Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP21: Jarred Christmas

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S02 EP21: Jarred Christmas Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant comedian, Jarred Christmas. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... April, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe.

So close. Yeah. Can I just say it? How the hell has April's dad got a clearer mic than both of us he sounds like a broadcut he sounds like a vo guy it was unbelievable is he doing it from under a duvet who is the guy richard sullivan i'm right he's getting googled uh this is april sullivan who's three and a half from portsmouth portsmouth he doesn't sound like he's from Portsmouth. How are you Josh? I'm good, I'm good. So yeah a big, I talked about it last time but I spent time away from the family home

for the first time in over a year. Oh how was it? Well Rob I got to the station, I was staying in the Hotel Duvan in Exeter and as you know my main fear was getting to sleep because I don't sleep well in hotels. You can't sleep in hotels, can you? It was a strange feeling. I've spent a year thinking how amazing it would be to have a night on your own. Yeah. Just an evening on your own. And I don't sleep very well when I'm in hotels.

So I got to the station. I thought I brought some Valium. And I thought to the station. I thought I'd brought some Valium. And I thought, what I'll do, I'll buy some alcohol. Yeah, cool. So I bought. Well, it seems quite a good plan so far. It's a short-term strategy, isn't it, Valium and alcohol to sleep, I'd say? It is.

I wouldn't advise it as a long-term solution. No. And I tell you what, you don't wake up fresh as a daisy. That's right. how was it? So, bought my beers and a bottle of wine, got to the hotel. I thought I'd go for a walk. I knocked on the door of my friend and had a chat with them on their doorstep. Mike and Lucy Wozniak.

I had a beer on the doorstep because I had beers with me. Yeah, of course, you're walking through Exeter on your own with a bag full of beers and Valium. Yeah, I'll be honest with you. I'd left the Valium in the hotel room. Okay, yeah. You don't want to be a drug mule. No. Got back to the hotel.

Well, the good news is, Rob, I didn't take any. Oh, well done. Because after all my worries about sleeping, I opened a beer when I got back to the hotel. Yep. 2.30 a.m., wake up fully fully clothed lying back on the bed holding the beer full dad mode full dad i just full absolutely holding the beer yeah didn't know how tired i was rob i didn't realize how tired i was you'd worked yourself up in your tears haven't you yeah and then the second night, I did it with...

I had another friend at Exeter. I had another doorstep drink. It's a lovely, sociable thing to do. Well, yeah. Also, you are allowed in the garden now as well, so it's fine. It was an hour and a half before the garden. An hour and a half before the... Oh, because it came in on the Monday.

Yeah. I don't think anyone would have judged you for a bit of Sunday night garden, Josh. No, exactly. So, anyway, they don't have a garden, Rob. I didn't want to bring it up. Tell you who doesn't have a garden. Yeah? Amir Khan.

Do you know what? You could have given me all day. There's a new show on BBC called... Called Who Doesn't Have a Garden? Yeah, yeah, it's called Who Doesn't Have a Garden? You go around the house, it's blindfolded, and you have to just guess on senses. A reality show on BBC Three about Am about amir khan and his wife

she's like an influencer and like that beautiful model thing and that medals clothes and then he's boxing but he's so funny he just absolutely loves bolton and she's from new york and you can tell she absolutely does not want to be bolton he loves he genuinely he doesn't fake love bolton like some you know some people people talk about their hometown. He loves Bolton. Anyway, he's got this massive house, right, of a long drive. And there's no garden. They've just tarmac'd it for all his cars.

And there's just a trampoline in the middle for the kids. Oh, my God. He's got no, he's worth about 30 million. The kids have chosen not to have a garden. I find that mental and it's a huge plot of land he's not even got a corner of astroturf oh my word that is bizarre

because they do a shot like a drone shot from up high of his house as he drives in and stuff but he hasn't got a garden he hasn't got a garden how much car park space has he got oh mate he's got so much car park that's what I'm saying it's not like he's got he's got a massive house No, but I don't know. How much car park space has he got? Oh, mate, he's got so much car park.

That's what I'm saying. It's not like he's got a massive house, but there's still land around it. And then he's built like a little house next to his big house. It's like a man cave. But he's got no garden. How can you have an house that big and no garden? He went. Has he got kids?

He's got three children, all young. He just hates the idea of grass stains. I tell you what, he will have a garden. The first time his kid bounces off that trampoline onto i tell you when he will have a garden the first time his kid bounces off that trampoline onto the tarmac he will get a garden it's too hard anyway but i don't know maybe if anyone out there knows about amir khan's garden arrangements let me know but from what i've seen on this show he's got no garden do email in if you know um so then the next morning after i'd woken up on the bed at 2.30, I woke up at like half six because obviously my body clock's completely fucked.

Yeah, and the clock's changed as well. Getting ready to do this filming and pick up my suitcase. You know that thing they put the suitcase shelf thing? Yeah, yeah. To put it on that. The bottle of wine, full bottle of wine, falls out of the suitcase onto my big toe. Genuinely, I have never felt a pain like it.

Like Mr Bean? And have you got a wheelie case or a carry case? Are you still carrying? No, I've got a wheelie case because it's 2021. Some people have more testosterone than us, Josh, and we'll carry a hold all to Spain. Yeah, unbelievable. Animals. Big, Josh, and we'll carry a hold all to Spain. Yeah, unbelievable. Animals.

Big, thick, forearm bastards. I just can't believe you would do that. They do. I've seen it on Stag Doods, mate. Some men are too hard to wheel a case. Oh, my God. They need to make peace with who they are. They've got to accept that wills help.

They don't carry their car around the city. Yeah, they're not Fred Flintstone. Sorry, so you've got your toe. Thoughts help they don't carry their car around the city they're not fred flintstone sorry so you broke my toe yeah yeah uh doing a documentary where i had to do lots of those walking shots and it was unbearable the pain and also you're thinking i can't be hobbling in this because and it's it'll be so distracting if i'm i was basically walking like kaiser soze oh josh and people will be watching it going to see i told you he was disabled that's why he's on last leg i knew it you've only ever seen him sat down that's why he's got a limp but you know what rob i'm I'm going to say it.

Go on. Careful what you wish for. You had this, that when you're away, the daytime is brilliant. The morning when you wake up, and because obviously we couldn't go down for breakfast, so they brought breakfast in the hotel room. Oh, breakfast in bed. What a life.

You wake up on your own volition, and that is unbelievable after a year of not that. But actually, the evening when you're in your hotel room is bleak as hell. Well, it is if you're just laying there pissed, holding a can of beer. Maybe it was my own mistake. What were you doing? Well, when I was in that flat though i think though it's bleak in the evening if you've not done anything in the day but if you've been out in the day

hobbling around it's probably a nice rest for you but i did my coloring in and listening to podcasts and yeah i'll play my zoo game i'm mate i have become part of a week six no i've still i've told you about my zoo game and i what do you run a zoo like in theme park? Yeah. Oh my word. On your phone? No, I've bought a gaming laptop for it. You bought a laptop to run a zoo?

Yeah, but it's such a big game, Josh. It's the only thing I can do on it. It's only powerful enough to run my zoo game. So I've got a computer

just for a zoo. What? How big? What's the zoo game called? Planet Zoo, mate. It's so impressive. impressive also it's kicked off on the forums josh because basically they've done a new pack a new downloadable a dlc it's

called downloadable contact pack i'm releasing new animals like you know the monkey that's got a knob for release animals that's the opposite of the zoo exactly but they're releasing new animals for you to look and there's one um you know the monkey of a knob nose they've brought that one out which is a viscous monkey yeah in that one and there's this animal called a bin to wrong yeah and they released went oh here's our new bin to wrong yeah and then had to redo it because it wasn't lifelike enough and people complained so that's it's all been going off on there mate i've been keeping an eye on that how's's your zoo going? Well, I'm not very good at making them, so I download other people's and just look around.

Oh, my God. So you bought a computer to download other people's zoos? Yeah, but their zoos are so impressive, Josh. People are amazing. You're one of our most gifted comics, Rob. We've all got to chill sometimes. You're the working class eric morgan man you're allowed working class nerds

you can't all be doing chang and watching the boxing i'll do that on a saturday in the week the two seconds of rob beckett racking up on top of my Hewlett-Packard PC? Can't be doing that. I'm printing off blueprints on my Epson. But you actually do that. And they say Rob Beckett's changed. Even in the period of this podcast, right? You didn't even have a computer when we started this.

Now you've got a zoo-specific computer. I know. I've got to have a run. I'm catching up with my bins, the amount of computers I've got. But do you know why I got into it? The girls were like like what you're doing dad and i showed it to them so now what we like to do is because they do weird zoos that love futuristic zoos or and they'll remake zoos and then i mean the girls sit there and i go right what animals do you want to see and the exhibits they make are amazing so we just explore the exhibits and stuff and then you can watch like

animals it's all computer done, obviously. Like they have little babies and like, oh, can we see the baby? And then I created a Lion King enclosure for them to make it like Lion King. So I'm sort of justifying it. Are the animals photorealistic or are they like cartoony? Mate, the quality is outrageous, but I just love it. I just, I find it really calming. And are you

learning about animals rob do you know what i am you know you can keep a african bull elephant in an enclosure alone you'd think it need more elephants as most elephants are torturing animals you can pop a gazelle in with a lion oh my god and it eats it oh my god and then but sometimes your animals inbreed so you've got to be on it because you breed them but then if you don't move them around or move them with other zoos before you know it you've got like double knob nose on the monkeys because they're inbred six knobs on their hands i've been struggling this week with tiredness josh i can't i think i'm struggling with the clocks changing more. Yeah, the clocks changed.

We spoke about this before, but I am not a morning person, and it's been a year now of being at home and not really working evenings or late and coming in at three in the morning. And I still, every morning, Josh, I wake up, and it's like it's a surprise I've got children. I'm so confused. And then they just, like, jump on me. I'm so confused. And then they just jump on me. I'm like, what is this?

Who are these? What have I got? And I do the school run half asleep. And I just sort of sit there in a bit of like a sort of like blind confusion of like, who are these little things in my house before I remember I've got kids again? Do you feel like that in the mornings? I just can't wake up.

Yeah, I do. Last night she woke up. She doesn't really wake up in the night i don't know really i know this isn't the podcast to say that on but she woke up at uh half two yeah for no reason i don't you're the storm's coming though josh don't worry about not moaning about it now yeah yeah exactly i'm enjoying it while i can went back i went back to bed and I couldn't get back to sleep because of the stress of her waking up in the middle of the night. And so this morning when she woke up, it was pure torture. Because this is another thing. She shouts for Rose every morning.

But I go up every morning. And you're like, surely she's worked this one out by now, hasn't she? Give me a fucking shout out, mate. Come on. You know who's coming my five-year-old made a card for me that she put in an envelope and wrote my name in it and put a little message in there saying daddy i love you and i was like oh that's so sweet and opened it and i said to lou did you get one she went no but the five-year-old and lou now, because Lou's from a family of girls, and Lou will get annoyed quicker than I will from the five-year-old winding her up. And I know the five-year-old's trying to wind her up

on purpose a little bit. And I know it's more directed at Lou, but even if it was directed at me, I think I've got quite a bit of a longer fuse than Lou. Yes. They argue like the two popular girls in school. You know when you used to be at school and the two popular girls in school would argue with each other

and everyone else in the class would be like, oh my God, they're arguing again. And you're just watching it. But I find it hilarious. I know I can't laugh, but it's not like Mother and Dora. It's like two teenage girls bickering and it's so funny. It's so funny. Absolutely amazing. I don't know if that's happened with Rose yet.

No, she's not old enough, but I am looking forward to that. I think having a boy will hopefully slightly neutralise the mean girls aspect of your household. Yes, I think we're right in the middle of it and I think it's only going to get worse for us. But on the subject of having a baby, I've got a top tip for nappy changing, Josh. You've never changed a boy's nappy, have you?

No. So this is from ItsAbby, JustAbby is her Instagram name. Top tip for nappy changing boys. They will pee when you take it off. So don't remove the old nappy until you've seen them pee. So I think you have to undo it. Because I think when the air hits the knob, it will piss. I think that's fine.

That stops at some point in your life though, doesn't it? Not for me, mate. When a bit of cold air touches that, instant piss. Anyway, and then number two, baby boys get erections. Oh no. Are you ready for a baby's erect knob? Count me out of this. What?

You will be having to deal with or see an erect baby's penis. They don't. Are you pranking me i'm not pranking you mate baby boys get erections oh this is the day after april fool's day as well actually this yeah no this is not a prank google it now it is i'm not googling baby boy erection rob think about that's a good agenda oh i tell that Operation U-Tree would gobble that up. I do not need that on my CV. Let's get you to go.

Me using the recording of this podcast as evidence to clear my name. Well, don't Google Baby Boy Erections then, if you don't want to. That's totally fair. But just as a heads up, I think what you have to do is undo the nappy, open it,

and then when they piss again, put the nappy back over the penis. So give it some air. Give penis give it some air give it going and then put the nappy back on i'd say let nature give it air don't blow on it no i'm not going to blow on it no yeah no i'm not i'm not going to blow on it rob so just let the air of the room here's a tip yeah googling baby boy erections and blowing on a penis were not two of the things i was planning on doing don't do either of them but just be aware you are you will have to deal with an erection when changing a boy's nappy well i'll keep you informed it's all it's an awkward conversation but it's the truth josh what can i say i do like these tips and do keep them coming do you want one more message from instagram before yeah why not go on here we go so this is from

craig on your story about the family turned back home from a trip to devon if the kids played up my mate used to have a random empty boxes wrapped from a trip to Devon, if the kids played up, my mate used to have random empty boxes wrapped up under the Christmas tree. And if the kids misbehaved, one of the presents would be put in the bin in front of the kids. Oh my word. I think that's too harsh. Yeah, of course it is.

That is too brutal, isn't it? So they'd have boxes that they knew they were going to remove. Yes, they were used as like cannon fodder. Was it Orson Welles who would hire... Michael will know this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I might know this. All right. Don't drop Orson Welles.

Ask me first and then we can ask Michael. All right. Was it Orson Welles that used to, on the first day of shooting a movie, he'd hire someone with an actor whose role was just for him to sack them on day one so that everyone else knew that he meant business i'll be honest with you i've only just found out awesome wells did films i thought he did books it sounds like an awful yeah so i think that is right though

maybe i think there's an episode of friends about it that's what i know let's be honest there's an episode where monica does it to jerry That's what it was. Yes, there is, isn't it? Right, who have we got this week, George? Jared Christmas, who is an amazing comedian, Rob. Yes. He's a Kiwi. He's a Kiwi. He's a lovely man as well. Very nice man.

Lovely man. Really funny. I'll be honest. We got distracted and he told the best anecdote in the world, but it wasn't about parenting. Yeah, so we'll get him back on for more parenting stuff, but it's really funny. We just had a good time,'t we josh we just vibed that we just vibed it it was great it felt like bumping into a friend you've not seen for ages on a train somewhere

and knowing that they were getting off in eight stops time so it was an absolute banter assault and then he jumped off the train and you left all feeling good exactly enjoy was that a weird analogy no i think it's fine. That's never happened to me though. No, of course not. Jared, can you give the audience a rundown on your family kid setup? Okay. I have got a wife and me and her,

me and her did the Willie Fanny thing and we got a baby. And then two years later we did it again and got another baby. It would have been good to do it a few more times in between. Just Willie Fanny or other ones? Just Willie Fanny. That's how babies are made, mate. Oh, right.

The other way, I don't know what you're giving birth to there. Gerard, how old are your kids kids uh oldest is 11 and the youngest is nine okay oh so they're getting on a bit now you're back you're uk-based are you josh i am uk-based correct i'm i'm out near uh near bath spa and sunset countryside i would say jared i've i've not really had much interaction with your kids and you I've sort of met him a couple of times. But I think you are a great dad. And I imagine you are fun and they love you. And are you the best dad in the world, Jared, would you say?

To them, I certainly am, yeah. I mean, look, don't get me wrong. I have my moody moments. I can't imagine that. I've never seen you moody. What grinds your gears Jared with the kids when they don't bloody listen and you're just repeating the same thing over and over again and then you suddenly I find myself wanting to say uh stupid things like why aren't you listening to

me why aren't you respecting me in my own house just and i really have to bite back on that stuff yeah because then you would sound like victorian yeah exactly you will respect me and then i realize when i play with them and i put on silly voices and stuff i'm like there's no respect here yeah you can't go from voicing a barbie doll to give me respect. Can you? No. I think that's a whole comedian thing. And I'm glad you brought that up because I'm sick of seeing comedians like on a panel show getting electrocuted or gunged.

And then the next minute they're like on Twitter talking about some massive political movement. I'm like, pick a lane. Just do one thing well. If you want to have your opinion and you can't take the sweet, sweet cash from ITV Celebrity Squares. That's what I think. You either take the cash and shut up

or you don't take the cash. I didn't take that cash and I don't like the Prime Minister. Oh, this is huge. I haven't taken the Celebrity Squares cash, Jared, so I can say that. And I would like to say Celebrity Squares is the easiest gig you'll ever do in your life. Yeah, I don't taken the Celebrity Squares cash, Jared, so I can say that. And I would like to say Celebrity Squares is the easiest gig

you'll ever do in your life. Yeah, I don't know, mate. Have you done The Dog Ate My Homework on CBBC? Yes, I have actually. Yeah, that is easy. That's a pretty easy gig. Talk me through The Dog Ate Your Homework, Jared, for someone that's too busy sticking it to the man

to do Dog Ate Your Homework. It's a kids' panel show. I absolutely love that show. I think I've done maybe nine or ten episodes now over the last few years and it's just you know you just have fun with it yeah it's great does ian sterling still host it no he moved on didn't he uh i think he was getting he was finding it hard to balance children's tv with voicing love island it's got quite yeah because he does do three weeks in the summer of Love Island, so it must be hard

to schedule in the rest of the panel shows. I think he was getting a real mixed bag showing up to his tour shows, you know? Yeah, exactly. Do your kids watch Dog 8 at my homework? Have they seen you on that? Yeah, yeah, they have. They love it. I mean, they've watched it without me on it,

and they've watched it with me on it, and it hurts when they make no comment about it. Oh. Like, the previous episode I've just been on, I had to ask them if they'd seen it, and they went, yeah. I was like, well. And they're like, yeah, it was good. I'm like good come on

are you quite a needy dad would you say jared because you like you know you're attention seeker you're a comedian do you need their attention do you find yourself like seeking it yeah i'm not i i've never been a guy to put my hand out for for compliments um i don't like doing that but you know since this whole uh pandemo uh hit us i just haven't been getting the praise that i uh that i'm used to so i'm seeking it from my children and they do not give a shit about my ego did that did you uh homeschool jarrett uh i did but i have to fully full confession my wife did the lion's share of that. And she nailed it.

She absolutely nailed it. I did not nail it. I found out some hard truths about my intelligence. What gaps have you got, Jared? A lot of gaps. Turns out I'm pretty rubbish at spelling, guys. And I don't know whether that's because of predictive text or I just was never good at spelling.

Maths, of course, not great. Creative stuff. You know, I helped them make a couple of home movies to submit for projects and stuff. Absolutely nailed them. Did a scene from The Tempest with spoons that we glued eyes onto and stuff like that. That was pretty awesome. And did

a stop motion. Oh, wow. That's good. You're the fun dad, aren't you, Jared? Look, mate. It took like three weeks. What, two weeks? Two hours a day. They were going, that'll do.

And I'm like, they are not the words you ever want to hear in tv production that'll do and so do you ever get involved in the disciplining or is that what your wife does or no it's team effort team effort but we if if one of us is disciplining, then the other one doesn't. It's a case-by-case basis. Yeah. So like the other day, it all kicked off, and I was having to try and put those flames out. I was doing okay, but internally I was thinking, I wish my wife Amelia was dealing with this.

You've got two daughters, is that right? Yeah. So I've got two daughters, that right yeah so i i've got two daughters and they're five and three but i'm already noticing that sometimes my wife telling them off turns into an argument on a between three women that i i cannot even understand what the argument's about anymore even though they're young so you noticing that now your kid's been a bit older that there's a sort of a female trait in this sort of bickering argument that you can't involve. I sound like a 70s dad, but there is a thing when three women argue,

I just panic and leave, even though they're my kids. You go for a bloody pint in the pub, don't you, Rob? Talk to your mates. I just go down, get me slippers on, go and have a pint. Yeah, and you keep saying, her at home. Yeah. Just throw some bloody darts yeah do they not they don't bicker then jared uh no they're they're a pretty united team if there's

any bickering it's it's kind of me um uh which in this moment i'm i'm realizing uh and i'll be honest i'm having quite an identity crisis right at this point, and what a place to have it in your own toilet. It's slightly like therapy this where you ask a couple of questions, you go, yeah, I do do that. Is that bad? Am I bad? Oh, my God. Yeah.

No, my wife is really good. She's so calm and all that, but I guess it works. You know, it is a team effort, right? And if one of us is losing it, the other one steps in and keeps calm. So if you had to do more parenting, how was it the parenting split 50-50 before the pandemic or obviously you being away touring and doing shows around the country, was your wife doing more of the parenting?

Yeah, she was doing more of the nitty-gritty and I'd swoop in for the big stuff. Okay. And then what is it like now you're at home more? It's a fucking drag. No, it's not. It is. No, it's not, isn't it?

It is a bit. In that first lockdown, I taught my youngest daughter to ride a bike. Yes. And it was long overdue and I just never had the time, you know. I'd be away and when I got back there'd be other things to do and she picked it up surprisingly quick but equally it was hang on this is this is quite incredible I wouldn't have been able to do this if if someone didn't lick out a bat so um has that been confirmed now did someone lick it out is that what is that I I just thought they

rimmed it but if they licked it out that you're asking for trouble aren't you yeah they probably went is that what you said to her when you were having this magical moment yeah yeah i said you need to thank whoever it was who looked at a bat because what a statue that was to wuhan And so you live in, when you say you live near Bath, is Bath Spa Bath? I don't. Yes, it is. Are you British? Are you British, Josh?

I'm from New Zealand and I knew that. Yeah. Well, no, it's just I've never heard someone call it Bath Spa before. I just called it Bath. Well, it's a spa town, isn't it? It's a spa town. It's got a Roman spa in it. Bath?

Well, it's a spa town, isn't it? It's a spa town. It's got a Roman spa in it. I think the reason I say Bath Spa is because I panic that someone's going to try and do bath banter. Oh, okay. Sorry. Oh, yeah. I get it.

Okay, yeah. And I should have given you more credit, mate. I'm sorry. Rob told me that you live near Bath. I've written five minutes of jokes about it. When you said Bath Spa, I was fucking kicking myself, mate. Really? It's really thrown in.

All the bath stuff, bubble bath stuff, lavender crystals. Do you find it's too hot for you? When you drive home after a gig, do you have to go into bath a little bit and then slowly accelerate? Yeah, lovely. All of that. That is my life. But that's a lovely area of the country to live and to bring up children.

Did you move there for parenting reasons? Yeah, we really did. So my in-laws live in Bath, and we were in London, you know, and just wanted more space and couldn't afford anywhere else in London. So moved out, thinking we'd move to Bath, but it turns out Bath house prices are the same as London house prices. And so we kept, you know, but it turns out Bath house prices are the same as London house prices. We kept looking further out of Bath until we found this lovely

little village and bought a house that was built in the 1650s. Oh, wow. Yeah, I know. I'm living in a house that is older than white people in New Zealand, if that makes sense. That's how their estate agent sold it to you, isn't it?

Exactly, his exact words. And was there any consideration about moving back to New Zealand with the kids? Because obviously that's a great place to bring up kids. Yeah, it would be. No, not in the slightest. Not in the slightest. For one, you know, obviously from my perspective, you know,

I'd love to be down there but career wise it's hard to make a living just being a comic down there right you have to be you have to be one of those comics who gets on tv fuck that what i do guys i don't know if you guys have noticed my technique is yeah i'll go on these panel shows once, absolutely nail it, so they don't need to get me back. You know, he's done with it. Whereas the rest of you blokes, the rest of you blokes, you've got to keep going on and practising and practising, right? But one day, mate, you're going to be good enough on Dog Ate Your Homework

that you won't have to do that again. Exactly. That's the main thing. That's the one that I'm worst at. God, give them one more try. So are they having like this kind of, I'm picturing an idyllic kind of Wiltshire upbringing. It must be lovely.

Like are they going to like a village school and all that kind of thing? Yeah. So there's a, they were going to the village school, but it's one of these weird ones that doesn't do full primary it only goes up to like year four uh so my youngest is now going into going to a school in another village and uh my oldest is at secondary school so she's in the big smoke she's in the big she's in the big bath now mate so she does she have to go into actual bath to go to this secondary school is it a town nearby no actual actual real life grown-up pants bath because that's my worry about bringing up

children in a village is i don't want kids that panic on the tube i hate them kids you see them all on circle line which is additionally like come on what if i don't mind the gap yes exactly i want to see sort of you know smog smog-covered bogeys coming out my kid's nose to know that they're living a life. Do you know what I mean? Rob, you don't even live in London. You live in about Zone 6, mate. Don't give me that shit.

Gross enough, Josh. Only because you lot moved in and started gentrifying it, I had to move out. That's what happened. You and your TV money in 2012 brought up all of acne. I had to fuck off out to Zone 6. So don't give me that. Do you know what?

When I first went on the tube as an adult, so I'd obviously been to London a couple of times as a kid. And then I moved to Manchester and I came to London, I had to go on the tube. I'm not going to lie to you. Those escalators,

they are faster in London. I couldn't believe the speed of those escalators they are faster in london i couldn't believe the speed of those escalators you don't want a little nervous nerys at the top of the escalator shitting himself because it's going down too fast genuinely i was like this this isn't this is inhumane angel angel i bet angel put the shits up there that's the biggest one yeah you've actually got to live in london a year before you take on angel that's what i was told you got to build up to it you're going to take it it's the kind of escalator you need to take a book um jared what uh what was it like going back and forward from new zealand obviously you had family over there that want to see the kids you must have flown you know that is the longest flight before you start coming back home in it new zealand yeah

it's pretty huge uh we've taken them down twice um the first time my uh was where my oldest daughter was i think god she was only about four or five months oh my god um i know and there was we uh for our wedding we asked people to uh put money into a travel fund rather than buy presents yeah and so we were able to go down to new zealand business class oh yeah it felt pretty good and uh cathay pacific um and there was a beautiful moment where one of the flight attendants asked if she could take our daughter maggie while we ate our breakfast you know to give us some peace and quiet. It was lovely. And then she came back and Maggie had done an explosive shit that had leaked out of her nappy and all over the flight attendant's uniform. Oh, no. Oh, man.

It was great. What about the second time? Was that with both of them? Yeah, second time was with both of them. What ages? Maggie must have been, Maggie was about three and Edie was one, yeah. And then you had to have paid for a seat for the three-year-old. I'm assuming you didn't go business that time, or did you?

No, we went Air New Zealand. Top tip if you're doing that long journey, go Air New Zealand. They've got an economy. They've got something called a Sky C couch, which is designed for families. And all the armrests fold neatly into the chair. And then you can pull the footrest thing up and lean it back further than normal. And you've basically got a couch. Oh, that's good. Great tip. Yeah, so that's really good.

So that's what we did we did that which meant that my wife and daughters could go to sleep and i stood in the aisle 24 hours yeah mate and also you've got it here's a top tip can i give you a top tip if you are with kids top tip night flights okay yeah get them in their pjs before they get on the flight they'll be excited initially but then the body clock kicks in they go to sleep for ages but then if you've got to stop over you've got to make sure you stay over for a couple of days to then get another night flight because pushing through is brutal but the first 12 hour flight when they're sleeping for most of it is bliss but that second one where they are wide awake for 12 hours straight and a capsule in the sky is tough

but how how was that second leg then um we we stopped over uh that second time we flew via los angeles um and we we stopped over for two nights in like an airport hotel. And not showing off, guys, but that first night in the airport hotel, I ordered room service. I just wanted a plate of chips, and that's what I ordered with ketchup, and they sent potato crisps because that's what chips are, right? I should have said fries. With ketchup?

Yeah. Can you imagine my level of anger? I said you have hungry children in the room. Yeah. Oh, man. Just the vision of your face receiving a plate of crisps. And they even put the, you know, when they have that cover on it, that metal cover.

Oh, yeah, the cloth. To keep the heat in. And didn't your daughters start picking up on what you were saying on the flight? Yeah, so that second journey, you know, it was pretty stressful because we went to Australia. My parents live in Australia, so we went to Australia and visited them, went to my cousin's wedding, and then we went on to New zealand we did a lot of flying a lot of moving around and me and my wife didn't

realize but we were saying which was appropriate for every scenario we were saying fucking hell a lot and we didn't realize but our oldest maggie was was locking that away she was being a sponge and soaking all of that up. And we had a couple of incidences on that journey where she, on a bus, she shouted fuck really loudly, and we found it hilarious. But it was when we got back to the United Kingdom and we were in the fine dining establishment called Pizza Express, and Maggie just, at the top of her lungs shouted fucking hell

and everyone was looking we were like okay we don't let's not say that she's like fucking hell please don't we're not they're not they're not nice words to say and so she stopped thought about it for a bit and then she went fuck and we're like no no no and she said why are you getting angry i'm not saying fucking hell i'm just saying fuck and uh my wife just picked her up and walked out of the restaurant with her you know not angrily just like i'm i'm gonna deal with this outside and i'm left sitting at that table with my uh youngest daughter who was eating crayons so she had no idea what was going on. And people were just glaring at me. And you know what?

I said fucking hell because it was the only thing appropriate to sum up that situation. I've got an off-topic question about restaurants, Jared. Oh, love it. Yeah, because that's just absolutely brought up something in my mind that I haven't thought about in years. I don't know if this is the forum. We'll soon find out. You once told me.

What the hell are you going to ask? You once told me about Priscilla Presley taking you to a restaurant. Yes. And it remains one of the best anecdotes I've ever heard in my life. And I know it's off topic. It is off topic. Can I just ask? Do you know what, let's set up normally. Jared, have you ever been to a restaurant with Priscilla Presley?

You should get a chat show, Josh. That was so slick. Well, funny you should say that, Josh. That's weird. That was my next question. Well, yeah, I did Panto with Priscilla Presley. What was she like? She was amazing.

She was genuinely amazing. Look, she's such a big celebrity that everyone was really, the first rehearsals, everyone was really nervous of what she's going to be like and stuff like that. And they're basically wanting us to you know tread on eggshells around her until we could figure out you know what she is like um i had to do a photo shoot with her and warwick davis at the savoy hotel and i am I'm aware that, like, I was third billed in this panto, but I'm aware there's a big drop from second billing to third billing.

You guys know me. I'm a realistic bloke, right? You know when a football team have spent all their money on Ronaldo? Yeah. And then there's some good players in the team, Jarrod. Thomas Graveson turns up. There's some good players in the team, Jared. Thomas Graveson turns up. There's some solid players in the team. Yeah. But Priscilla Presley's selling the shirts.

Big time, big time. And, you know, Warwick's selling a bit of merch too. Oh, yeah. So we're in the Savoy Hotel and they've got paparazzi there. I'm talking like 30 photographers. And, you know, I knew what was going to happen, and it happened exactly how I thought it would. And so Priscilla goes out, and they're all clicking away,

clicking away, shouting her name and stuff. Then Warwick goes out, clicking away, shouting her name. Then I walk out, one click, we're done now, right? One click's worse than zero. Mate. Is it though click's worse than zero. Mate. Is it though? I got a zero click at the NTAs.

I was behind Talisa and it was like every single flash of every comer went off when Talisa walked past. And then I stood there and they went, yep, keep going. I went, yeah, fair enough. So I've been no clicked. So one click. I'll take that, Jared. Mate, one click. And then I stood there and the PR person said, do you want to take any more?

And I said, no, no, I think I'm done. Thanks, guys, thanks. When I used to support Stephen Merchant on tour. Amazing. And we'd go out afterwards and there'd obviously be loads of people out the back of the theatre and they'd all queue for the photo with him and then occasionally someone would ask for a photo with me and you'd and it'd be embarrassing but worse was occasionally someone would say do you want me to get a photo with you

pity yeah pity they're offering me a pity photo is there anything worse oh so you've been one clicked you're in the savoy with warwick davis yeah one click um and then we go into this other room to have interviews with uh journalists and you know all the big papers are there and then i'm in the corner with the wimbledon Gazette. And the journalist guy says to me, do you think I'll get a chance to interview Priscilla? And I said, no, absolutely not. And he was like, well, can you just go in? And I was like, mate, there's a reason I'm having an interview with you.

I don't even want to be, you know, I'm not looking over at the Guardian going, I wonder if I'll get a shot at getting an interview with you. I don't even want to be, you know, I'm not looking over at the Guardian going, I wonder if I'll get a shot at getting an interview with the Guardian. Let's do the interview and let's go and get some lunch, mate. It doesn't matter. I really want to talk to Priscilla Presley. And I'm like, yeah, I want to be in the Telegraph. Come on, mate. Just realize where you are in the world, all right? just realize where you are in the world all right and they priscilla presley had a fake apple and she says do you want me to bite it do you she said something like do you want me to actually bite it and i said before without even thinking only if you want to fucking die and there was silence and then priscilla started laughing and everybody did that really

annoying sycophantic sort of once she started laughing everyone was like oh oh that's spoken like a real comedian i've felt that feeling before oh but those that silence for a couple of seconds where everyone's like oh my god i can't believe you've just said that so she was great skill she was awesome um and this is just this has taken me a long time to get to the story you wanted me to tell you i loved i loved the story on the way i didn't know there was more oh there's been a hell of a journey with her um in in the panto i used to uh uh i was her henchman i was the uh woodcutter or whatever it is i was the one who was meant to murder snow white but i didn't uh so every time i went on stage i would improvise a new uh a new name for her hello my queen of

delayed tubes you know hello my queen of anything negative that was in the story in the news i would try and spin it in each time um and there was one time where i went on and called her the queen of awkward family photos do you remember that website yeah yeah that was big at the time yeah it was massive in 2013 it was popping off on Bebo. And MySpace. It was all over MySpace. Yeah. And so I said that, and she, on stage, just turns to me and says, what did you say? Whoa.

And I went, queen of awkward family photos? And she said, what photos have you seen? And in my head I'm going, oh, man, she has taken this. She doesn't know about the website awkward family photos so i'm just panicking on stage right looking at her thinking um i thought this was a pretty safe bet this line but it has gone into murky waters and then i said i haven't seen any photos and she said we'll talk said, we'll talk about this. We'll talk about this off stage. Whoa.

The audience are wetting themselves, right? Because I am. I was shitting myself, but I was aware I was on stage, so I was really playing up the panic as well. Yeah. And in panto, if things like that happen, people just think it's part of the show. So they're just laughing and going with it.

And we walk off stage after that scene, and she says'm not talking to you and just walks off i was like oh man oh man and then i had like 30 minutes until my next scene with her where she's in a harness and she's being hoisted up to fly across the stage right and i think i'm gonna i'm gonna talk to her before we go on for this scene oh god so she's getting hooked up in the harness could i just say this isn't even the story i asked for either i'm sorry this is this isn't what the podcast is about this is this is unbelievable i i genuinely i'm in a spinny chair and i've had to turn away from my mic because I'm too awkward. So she's getting hooked up in this harness to fly and I go up to her and,

you know, I just say, look, Priscilla, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to offend you about that awkward family photo. There's a website called Awkward Family Photos and it's, you it's people just putting in their own family photos on it. And a lot of them are from the 80s, and it's all about their hairstyles. And some people dress up in the same jumper, and it's just, and I'm just rattling on. She's just staring at me, and then she slowly starts getting lifted up, slowly starts getting lifted up.

And then she just says to me, yeah, I know what it was. I was just winding you up. And then just gets taken on stage. And I was like, I cannot believe she just played me for 30 minutes. I was sweating, man. Oh, my God. She actually went on stage giggling. Oh, wow.

Actually went on stage giggling. So she was a lot of fun. And she came to Nando's with us a few times. Turns out her favorite drink is Red Bull and vodka. I know. Awesome. But the story you wanted me to tell, the story you wanted me to tell,

she invited me to lunch with her and her assistant in between shows, and she said, we found this great French restaurant in Wimbledon Village. And she said, I just love it. The ambiance, it's just genuine French. It's so good. So we get in the car and we rock up to Cafe Rouge. And I'm kind of getting out of the car thinking, oh, I can't believe this.

And we sit down and I say to her, what is it about this place that you really like? And she said, it's just so authentically French. And she said, you know, we ate here the other day and I had quite an incredible beef boujouin. And I'm staring out the window at the Carluccio's across the road thinking, why couldn't she have gone there? And so we eat the meal. And I didn't want to be the guy who popped the bubble about it because she was genuinely delighted about it.

You can't in that situation. You can't. She was dropping French to the waiter. She was dropping French to the waiter. And we get back to the theatre and, you know, I said, thanks for lunch. And she was like, oh, that's great. We should go back. We should take some other people back there.

I'm sure they'd love it. And she said, it looks, you know, maybe if we take a big group of us there, though, you know, as it's an independent restaurant, they were really – and it was at that point I said to her, look, Priscilla, it's a chain restaurant. There's loads of them. And she said, I don't believe you. I don't believe you. And then I just dropped it.

I dropped it. And then probably three weeks later we were standing in the wings about to go on stage. And she hears her queue line and then just turns and looks at me and she says, Café Rouge is a chain restaurant. I'm so disappointed. And then walks on stage and does the scene.

Gosh, she's incredible. Rob, I think we've been doing this wrong. We've been asking people about their kids, what we should do, get them on and go, you know that anecdote you told me? Can you just add five more anecdotes to that one anecdote you wanted? Oh, God. That actually happened to me and Lou when we went to Venice for our honeymoon and we went to Venice for our honeymoon.

And we went to this Italian restaurant and we thought it was authentic. It's called Rosso Pomodoro. Right. I loved it. We were buying all the sauces. Oh, my God. What a great authentic. And then I was walking through Sour.

I fucking saw one. Yeah. I know Priscilla's paint. Oh, Jared, we might have to get you back on to talk about your kids another time. Because you've got to go in a second. I was going to say, Jared, I thought you were good enough that we're not going to have to put you again. I think we're going to have to put you again, Jared, we might have to get you back on to talk about your kids another time. I was going to say, Jared, I thought you were good enough that we're not going to have to put you again. I think we're going to have to put you again, Jared, so we can talk about your kids. Before we go, can we quickly do this one?

It's the Crosby's Law question. What annoys you about your partner's parenting that you haven't told her, but you think is a fair point? And if she listened back to this once you've said it, she would go, fair enough. Is there anything that she does that winds you up that you want to share, Jared? I mean, this is really putting me on the spot, isn't it? What I've got to weigh up is will she listen to this podcast? Probably not. Yeah.

Oh, if she does, she's heard that Priscilla Presley story four hundred times. She's heard that every dinner party you've ever been to, I'm sure, Jared. She would have switched off by now. For God's sake. Why don't you just move in with her? I did meet up

with her in Los Angeles. Oh, did you? It was weird. Would you go prep for a nicer French coffee? Actually, we just had a drink in the hotel bar that I was staying at and she had a red bull and vodka and my wife and kids were asleep upstairs jet lagged and i i went down

and had a drink with priscilla for about 15 minutes she came to your hotel yeah because she was she said i said to her that i was going through uh los angeles and she said well email me when you get here and we'll see if we can meet up. And she was on her way to some big charity function thing and happened to be near Santa Monica, so swung by and had a 15-minute drink with me. I've got two questions on Priscilla Presley. Do you need to go, Jared?

I do. I've literally got a gig in nine minutes. Okay, do you know what? I'll hold them when we get you back on i don't have to be at a house it's another gig from a toilet you're only going to do the priscilla story again aren't you anywhere on the zoom can you just do that and have us on in the background recording it can i leave you with the questions and then can you record them on a voice note we'll just play them in on the podcast yeah all right you're giving me homework i love it okay number one how much have you talked to her about elvis number two how many vodka red balls uh is

she knocking back of an evening okay um i'll answer them both now actually okay um uh not much about elvis at all um i didn't really ask although mike bubb Bubbins showed up to the Panto and messaged me saying, do you think I can meet Priscilla? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll see what I can do. I'll meet you out at the stage door. I rock up to the stage door, and he's only bloody dressed like Elvis. Oh, fuck off. You know, he wasn't full Elvis.

He wasn't full Elvis. He had a hot collar, and this is when he had his big sideburns and his quip. And he's a comedian, we all know, that does it. Does he do an Elvis impression or just loves it? He used to. He used to be an Elvis impersonator. All right.

And a very good one. That's exactly what you need, isn't it, after that work, seeing someone impersonate your dead husband? Yeah, exactly, right? And I just said to him, no, she's not available, mate. She's not available. I think that's the right decision. Get out. And I just said to him, no, she's not available, mate. She's not available. I think that's the right decision. And on New Year's Eve, I wasn't with her,

but when we all got back from New Year's Eve for the next show, everyone was asking how New Year's went. And she said, I think I had too many Red Bull and vodkas. And I asked how many that was. And she said, I lost count after seven. I think they were just singles though, guys. I think they were just singles.

Yeah, but it's the Red Bull that's the problem there. I think it's the Red Bull that's the problem. Absolutely wired. Jared, well, you'll have to come back on and you can answer. Have you got an answer

about the parenting problem with your partner? I'll think on it. I'll think on it and I'll run it past her no you can't do that we'll get you back on to talk about your kids and not just Priscilla Presley Jared it's been a pleasure having you

thank you so much for having me cheers mate Jared Christmas there Josh I love Jared Christmas such a lovely bloke. Really funny guy as well. Really funny. I did loads of gigs.

I still gig with him now a lot, but when we first started out, me and him used to gig a lot. We would have to Inverness to do a show, and he was watching Homeland on his laptop on the plane. But you know, Homeland had a lot of sex in it in the first couple of episodes because he'd come back from being a prisoner.

And it was so funny because I was behind him and everyone could just see him just basically watching. What's his name, the actor? Damien Lewis. Just banging, but with all scars on his back and all shy and weird and sleeping on the floor because he'd been a prisoner. But yeah, that cracks me up.

But yeah, that was a good episode, wasn't it? Yeah, great. He's just fun. He's just got great energy. I'd love him to be my dad. Yeah. He'd be a great dad. Yeah, he's a brilliant dad.

He's a lovely man. And I'd like to listen from our listeners, hear from our listeners. For you, was that a good episode because we went off on weird tangents or were you going, I'm here for the parenting? Let us know because we're happy to go off on tangents if you prefer because rob wouldn't

like the question to be loaded but he did give one of the answers in a funny voice yeah it's like if i did the eu referendum stay or leave to get back what we love just a mark across in the box thank you to Jared well we are we should say we're now doing we're getting people

back because we realised you know everyone's parenting situations I mean we've got new stuff to talk about every week

so everyone's parenting situations change so we'll be getting back on like our well not our favourite guests the audience's

favourite guests so do tweet us your requests as well yes or email who you'd like to change so we'll be getting back on like our well not our favorite guests the audience's favorite guests so do tweet us your requests as well yes or email who you'd like to see back on because you know some of our guests have had children since uh since you spoke or or people tom allen's had two hasn't he tom allen's had two children yeah he's he's turned into an absolute you know fuck monster in lockdown um yeah so let us know who you want us to interview right see you later