Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP22: I'm a parent, get me out of here...

Episode Date: April 6, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP22: I'm a parent, get me out of here...More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Leon, can you say Rob Beckett? Me! I know. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob.

Beckett. Beckett. And Josh? Josh. Whiddicombe There we go that was Leon, was that a real horse? I don't know, if it is it's well trained, on cue that was he just slapped its arse and it neighed for him

I love your podcast, I've been listening to it all through lockdown, when your feature with kids introducing you started, my son wasn't speaking yet, but he is now. And I tried to get him to say your names. It was a very good attempt. Sorry about the horsey interruption. We live in the mountains of Gran Canaria

and our neighbour has a horse. No way, real horse in Gran Canaria. Oh, wow. I didn't know they had horses in Gran Canaria. I thought it was a strictly Glaswegian holiday policy in Gran Canaria. Yeah, I don't know much about Gran Canaria. Oh, Glaswegians love the Canary Islands.

I went to Tenerife. I went to Tenerife. It was like an old firm derby. Leon is two today, Rob. Oh, happy birthday, Leon. Initially, we'd planned to keep him off nursery so we could all celebrate. We've just completed 10 days of isolation

after COVID case at his nursery, so we've sent him back. There we go. That is good anyway josh um i think we should set the scene of what we're doing here easter monday it's easter monday um it's 9 00 a.m i don't know any other podcast that records at 9 00 a.m i've never heard of a 9 00 a.m no but let's be honest a cast and gambler still in bed not that sounds not together oh no wonder they got that slick chemistry.

You can't talk to someone about what they want for dinner at 9am, can you? Like, you don't know them. No, exactly, exactly. You've got to do it after lunch. Buxton's not getting Paul McCartney on the phone at 9am, is he? Oh, I don't know what Buxton's up to. He's all over the gaff, Buxton. You never know when he's going to pop out an episode, do you?

No, is it quite random, the Buxton one? Say what you want about us, we are there for you. Tuesdays and Fridays. We're grafting on an Easter Monday here. And I've not got much sleep because I've got hay fever and my nose is blocked up, which I'm sure you can hear. And I had a coffee this morning, Josh. And this is how tired I am.

As soon as I finished drinking it, I made another one immediately, which I think is a sign of a long day. Rob, Rob, Rob, you are going to have a crap. I've told you that i can't drink coffee because it makes me depressed yeah but that yeah that happens to everyone but there's a great high before that i just last week i i lapsed back onto coffee so you weren't having any coffee before i was on tea because i can't i can't handle the highs and the lows of coffee is tea just a constant caffeine buzz then but but nothing too big? Tea's fine.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. What a boring thing to say, but you're right. I've just looked at Adam Buxton's podcast and those release dates are all over the shop, Rob. Two weeks and you get Tom Allen, three days later it's Torval and Dean. I mean, what's going on here?

There is a stiff neck, loose neck divide in the podcast charts. It's quite interesting, actually, because it's where the mainstream and alternative collide, where you don't really get that in any other charts. Do you know what I mean? If you look at the music single charts, it's all quite mainstream music and stuff.

But in podcast, I think podcast was a real stiff neck realm, but the loose necks are kicking down the door. I reckon Buxton's looked at the analytics and he thought, right, I've had that offer on that no one heard of. Let's get Torval and Dean out. Let's balance the books. Because you have to. Also, I should say, Josh, this week,

I've been accused of being a stiff neck by Lou. Have you? Yeah, I was doing an omelette in a pan and I said, oh, this is a great pan for an omelette and she went all right stiff neck and absolutely speared me oh wow skewered me it felt oh wow i know rob you're you're gonna be so middle class by the age of 50 i think as everyone as you get older you slowly get more stiff some people start stiffer and the irony is obviously as a man you do get less stiff but in the neck you get incredibly stiffer as you get older obviously as a man you do get less stiff but in the neck

you get incredibly stiffer as you get older and you're fighting that a whole time that's what i think we should be clear in case people are listening to this for the first time and it feels like we're talking code who is starting at this episode go get yourself back to episode one you lunatic i'm not explaining it fuck off back to episode one and then you've got to earn the references do we think do we think we should have a previously on lockdown parenting hell

at the start of it yeah that is quite a good idea actually they go through stuff like because like the trampoline would have been a series finale wouldn't it yeah yeah exactly

exactly that was a great end to the Christmas finale now I've got a story about my actual neck Rob all right go on so I went to the park.

With your daughter on your own? With my daughter. Of course you did. Of course I did. I don't go parks on my own anymore. No, you don't. Of course you don't. You've got an alibi now, Rob.

So, going to the park with other parents, which you can now do, can't you? Yes. Is so frustrating, isn't it? Because you just get snatches of conversation before your children head off in the different directions. Yeah, but sometimes it can be a saving grace. You cannot complain about that, Josh, because if you're trapped,

oh, I'm just going to go over there, you can, you know, or just say to kids, oh, do you want to go on the swings? And then you're away. So I think you've got to take the rough with the smooth, Josh. But you're more sociable, I think, than me. Yeah. Yeah, I went to the park for a social yeah and all you get is like you start a

conversation and then you're just dragged away yeah and you i mean and you think yeah i can't what age can you just let them run off in my head yeah in my head rob going to the park before i had a child was sitting on the bench with a latte talking to another parent while the children got on with it when does that happen Rob so Josh how old's your daughter by the way I can't drink a latte because I get too depressed so that that's never gonna happen yes he sat on the bench depressed of his child um so what what how old's your kid your eldest three and a half three and a half yeah so my yeah i've my that's about the same age as my daughter who's three and a half so she can sort of do the park

on her own apart we know she can we go to a park now i know she can deal with it all on her own but because she's got an older sister she sort of is semi-watched by her but what's weird is my youngest is better on climbing frames than my eldest, just naturally a bit more sort of flexible and agile. So she's fine where I couldn't have left my eldest until she was a bit older. So the truth is though, Josh, it doesn't matter now because you've got another one on the way. So you're looking at another three years minimum until you're not desperately stopping them from jumping off the top level of the climbing frame.

Oh my God, Rob. So there's no good news here. So I went to the park. Yeah. And there's a new slide. There's the normal big slides, the ones that look like they're in the Soviet Union, which we've talked about before. Yes, yes, yes.

Where you have to climb up a kind of rope ladder maze thing to get to this tube slide. And one of the people I met met there his son who's a bit older than my daughter just did on his own yeah but my daughter wasn't there yet quite there yet so i had to go up with her rob through this rope maze and the thing is as well because we're about the same i know we i give you banter for being a bit short but we're about i'm five for eight you're about five seven or so it's not far off but it's quite degrading when you're sort of too big for it but actually you do fit up it quite nicely yeah it's fine it was totally do you know what the most painful bit was yeah i had to crawl on the ropes with my knees

the pain of the rope and the kids just jump on their knees yeah it reminds me of did you ever have a bunk bed and you had to go up in bare feet and the pain yeah rungs on the ladder of the bunk bed it was like that oh so i had to crawl up yeah but she was terrified right but addicted to it yes so it was so you had to crawl up every time or once you've done it once, she could be let off. Well, she did it four. No, she did it five times. Let's be honest. Five times we went up. And every time she hated it.

Okay. But insisted on going again as soon as we'd done the slide. She's got the buzz. She's got buzz. Adrenaline junkie. But it was like, honestly, the way she was reacting to it, it was like a celebrity on I'm a Celebrity going through like a tank of, you know,

when they have to do one of those things where they have to crawl through stuff. Yeah, yeah. It was like that. But she wanted stars for camp. Are you not feeding her? Does she have to do it five times for the yoghurt? But also there were so many other kids on it

and I was the only adult. It's hard, isn't it? Because you don't want to be the parent that just lets her go and be all like laissez-faire and she smashes her head. She would have just frozen. She'd have just gone into standby mode. You know when a child just goes into complete standby mode

and like stops in the middle of the park. You just have to not care what other parents think. But then also sometimes a little bit of judgment does force you into being a bit more relaxed, which you need to be. It's a balancing act, Josh. It's tough. It is. But there was other parents who were like saying to their kids that they were trying to direct their kids while their kids were on there and their kids were just losing their shit well yeah some parents are just idiots though where it's like this yeah and what

annoys me most is when you're up there with your kid and there's another kid that's like younger than yours that can't physically do it the parents go oh it'll be all right and you're like no the only reason he's all right it's because i'm fucking keeping him afloat up here and all of a sudden you're like shepherding three toddlers and keeping them alive doing everyone's own fucking child care i hate that i hate that when people go oh you've riled me up now josh when you invite people over right and they come around for a little play date and their kid's young and they just sit down have a drink and then you're having to watch their kid yeah yeah that's annoying that's annoying hate that josh because i can't bear to see a child hurt themselves and i'm too weak and i'll be up there looking after him and it does my nutting and i'd sort of hope for a slight injury

nothing bad a slight little trip and a grazed knee so that, you know, makes the parent get into action. A bit like a reducer in the opening minute of a football game. Just stick a quick two foot on them just so they know you're there kind of thing. And I'm not saying I injure them. No, let's just be very clear on that. You're not saying that. You're not saying that.

Yeah. I'm not sly tackling an 18 month old to force their parent into action. That's all I'm saying. But if they happen to trip over, you know, the hose that i've left in front of them and have raised slightly in order for their parents to be engaged then sure that's just life yeah this is um this is really bringing up some stuff for you it's like therapy this so what happened in the end josh is she well we got to the tube the tube slide yeah and obviously i've been bent over a lot, Rob. It wasn't good for the old stiff neck. No, not at all.

This tube slide, it knocked my neck right back into shape. It was unbelievable. Oh, so it was like an osteopath for you. It fixed your neck. It was like an osteopath appointment. Got on the tube slide, the G-forces or whatever it was, swinging around. I was as good as new. Really?

Yeah. Well, maybe you just need to relax a bit more and then it'll sort it out maybe it's tension maybe I need to get a tube slide installed from my bedroom down like a kind of Wallace and Gromit thing so that every morning I feel like a young man I definitely I know I'll give you a joke but I get like a my back gets all tight I hold all my tension in my back and I went to a chiropractor and that sort of helps but I do think it's because when your kids are doing stuff you like and they make a mistake although i do something or they you you the emotion you get emotion don't you get worried you get fear you you want to help and you don't want to express

that feeling so it so the kid doesn't get panicked you know i mean like if they if they run out in front of a road you want to go start but you have to stop going to come here but inside you're like anxious i think it's because we're bottling that up. It goes to your neck or your back or stuff like that. Totally. You can't let it out. You hold your shoulders. You hold your shoulders tight, Rob. I know.

I do it through my feet. When I do tour shows, I get really bad pains in my legs because I've got weird feet, like hands, spread out. And I have to look all relaxed. You've what? Sorry? Have you not seen my feet? Are we just skirting past that?

Yeah, I've got my feet. I've got weird feet. You've got hands for feet? Yeah, basically. They spread out. Their toes spread out like fingers. They're not as long as fingers. They just look like toes, but they spread out.

Is that why your three-year-old daughter's so good at climbing? Has she inherited them? Genuinely, I think so. Jokes aside, I am. I can cling to the floor. I could, on a boat, barefoot, I can cling to it without moving like a Spider-Man. What do you mean on a boat? If I'm on a boat, right, and it's a bit wobbly,

I can take my shoes off and just be barefoot, but my toes will cling to the floor like I'm clinging to a wall. Whoa. And I can shake your hand, I can peel bananas. Anyway, I could do that with my feet. And what was I talking about? Why didn't you get on to this? I don't know.

I don't know. Why didn't we get on to this? It is worth it. Oh this oh yeah on stage so what i do is because i have to look loose and relax gigging but obviously you're a bit stressed sometimes my feet are clinging to the floor because you can't the audience can't see that but if your shoulders are all tense you can see that someone's tense and stuff so i oh my tension goes through my feet and my legs um yeah but let's get down your slide and knock the tension out but it's apparent tension i also realized something at the park i left my uh i've got a yo-yo pram have you got a yo-yo

rob is that the one that folds up and it can go into hand luggage so it's half broken it'll only half fold up oh no they're great though for traveling i left it unattended yeah and i haven't haven't bought a new one because i feel like it's still working so chuck it down the slide and see if it knocks it back into place oh yeah that's a good idea but when i went back to it because i'd left it in the in the park i realized that i was disappointed it hadn't been stolen i realized that in my head i've been thinking oh i've an excuse to justify buying a new one this gets stolen it's an excuse to buy a new one that is a classic sort of you don't want to look wasteful yeah the reality is you need a new buggy well you all know it but they're expensive

it's like when one of your headphones goes and you carry on for the last month just give it up you're buying new headphones The reality is you've got a new baby coming. That one is broken. Maybe put it on that Facebook marketplace or whatever and see if someone wants it to fix and buy a new one, Josh. You're going to need a new one for your new baby, aren't you? Yeah. So just treat yourself, Josh, to a new buggy.

I will. I will treat myself. Is this a desperate plea for a freebie on here? Is this what you're doing? It's absolutely not, no. But, you know. No. I'd rather just buy it, though, than have to do a little ad do you know we're very different people rob so anyway let's um you know um can i talk to you about something josh how have you been well

a couple of stories here i've got one that's not parenting that's disgusting but quite funny and i've got a couple of stories about um my uh daughters dabbling with drugs and cheating well let's go with that that sounds super let's start with that first um so basically my daughter has it been longer than i think since the last episode rob uh no no she's still she's still five now basically we went we i'll tell you what's been nice at easter socializing in people's gardens which has been lovely we went around to my brother's for a lovely easter egg hunt it was really nice um it's quite difficult to um explain to a child why they're not allowed in the house even though you have to walk through

the house to get to the garden it's quite a difficult thing anyway so we went there and it was all plain and lovely and it was nice you know i feel a bit awkward i don't know how to socialize anymore i don't know about you like being a guest at someone's house feels weird i just sort of sort of sit there and then sort of think i might just go and lie on a sofa and watch tiktok in a minute but you're not allowed to do that because you're supposed to be polite um anyway so we checked out doing hot dogs and burgers and my kids have got a bit of hay fever and a bit of snotty nose and and the five-year-old was eating a hot dog with tomato sauce on it and she basically did a line of branwell's tomato sauce where as she was eating the hot dog, she sniffed and just sniffed up,

I'd say a teaspoon's worth of sauce in her nose. And she went absolutely fucking mental. She was going, it's stinging, it's stinging. I was like, there's nothing you can do, is there? I was like, so I gave her a drink because sort of, if you drink it can sort of, but you can't, what's the option? Could you not block a nostril and get her to?

They don't know how to blow out their nose, especially not with tomato sauce. And it's red, so it looks like blood, so they're panicking. Oh, no. And you can't just, like, get the O's and squirt water up there, which is what you're supposed...

That's how they clear noses, isn't it? Squirting. Oh, yeah, yeah, you can't do that. No, so she... Oh, my God, she calmed down, but it was so funny. You're too busy using the hose to trip over another child, weren't you? Well, yeah, yeah, exactly,

just to keep everyone on track. We've got an email on a similar thing to that, Rob. What, sniffing a line of tomato sauce? Well, do you know what? I was going to read this out anyway, but it feels like it's very relevant to what's just happened to you. This is from Marty Coyle. Marty Coyle.

Marty Coyle. Have you got the Marty Coyle or have you got the Standard Coyle? The Marty one's great Marty coil right myself and my wife are parents to a boy and twin girls under the age of seven recently something so random happened at home with my son I questioned if it ever happened before

in the history of humanity right I like Marty coil my son was about to lose his first tooth and it was coming up to the last few wobbles before it fell out i reassured him it might feel a bit strange there'll be a slight bit of blood but it'll go away immediately and he could pop the tooth under his pillow and await a surprise from the tooth fairy so far so good the tooth came out with no real trouble a little blood and he took it all in stride i was massively proud of him he was all ready to pop it under his pillow and await his reward before this though as he'd

never seen a removed tooth before he wanted a closer inspection he held it between his thumb and forefinger and brought it close to his face for further examination he wanted to investigate in great detail visual examination was not enough, though, and for a reason unbeknownst to him, he had a sniff. Almost immediately, the tooth got hoovered up into his left nostril. Get out, that's awful. I know it's funny, but imagine that Marty Coyle's face. The recoil on his nose.

Oh, my word. For a minute, time stood still as we both looked at each other's eyes in shock. I'd never seen someone snort their own tooth before. I have once, McAloof Stag do. I can't even imagine what a tooth being lodged inside your nose must feel like. We both looked terrified. Then came immediate tears and panic. He went into a repetitive mantra of saying,

I don't want my tooth up my nose. Who does? Yeah, who does? As tears ran down his face, all of a sudden, I went into autopilot, reached my forefinger to his right nostril, pushed it in and screamed, blow your nose now. He complied with gusto and the tooth came shooting out of his other nostril onto the kitchen floor oh god let me like fat of a whip bread in the jungle i don't know what that means rob oh come on josh you can't i'm not interested in the jungle rob

you've got to sort your fucking priorities out mate stop watching blood it's brilliant fat my whip bread got a cockroach stuck stuck in her head right she had to blow a cockroach out of her nose you've got to remember rob how you started that sentence yeah with the words it's brilliant and then you followed it with fat and whip bread gosh how much joy you're getting uh of this story written on email about a child blowing out a tooth. Imagine watching Ant and Dec cheer on Fat Mutt Whitbread as she tries to snort and sniff out a cockroach. You're telling me that's not TV gold? I'm telling you...

How have you not seen that? You can't work in pop culture comedy with observations and references. I don't work in pop culture comedy. Oh, what do you do? When have you ever heard me give a pop culture reference in the last year? Josh, if you don't start learning about stuff that's happening now, you're just going to be like that weird comedian that just only dresses in 70s clothes and talks about 70s stuff,

but you'll be the 90s. Who's that guy? I don't know. I've just made him up. Oh, right. I thought it was an actual guy. I thought it was a bloke we were on the circuit with. But Josh, you've got to know this stuff. I don't think you do. You'll be on the news as that bloke who still lives in the 90s. Josh, how do you

not know about Fatima Whitbread? Because I'm not interested. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here, Rob. Go on YouTube now and watch Fatima Whitbread. I'm not going to do it, Rob. Go on YouTube now and type in Fatima Whitbread. I'll do it and I'll tell you what happens. You've already told me. You don't need to re-watch it, Rob.

You can see it when you close your eyes at night. Right. Why are you watching it? I genuinely mean this. I think you're one of the only people I know who watches I'm a Celebrity get me out of here. And I know a lot of comedians. Yeah, but you don't know normal ones.

You know the slip necks. Romesh doesn't watch it. Rob, does Romesh watch it? He watches it, but he just doesn't tell people about it. He does watch it. He doesn't like the way they treat animals. He don't give a shit about that, mate. Look, let me tell you about you.

He'll sit on a leather chair before anyone. I've never seen him refuse a seat. Anyway, well, Fat and the Whitbread sniffed out, snorted out, because Medic Bob had to come in and he had to use a syringe and put water in and it was horrific. Who did? Oh, fuck it. Do you not know who Medic Bob is?

How can you not watch The Jungle? How do you not know? Give a shit about it, Rob. It's so good. It's so boring. It's not boring. What do you watch then? Do you watch Love Island?

No. What do you watch in the evening? What's happening, Josh? Football. Documentaries. Documentaries. I can watch them as well. But you're still allowed a bit of fun. You're still allowed to enjoy yourself. I do enjoy myself. Fatima Whitbread. It's like the

Elephant that did a poo on Blue Peter. Yeah. Yeah, it's like that. It's a classic it's a classic tv moment josh i don't think it is 12 million people watch 30 i think 12 or 13 million people watched it it was 12 million it was 13 million within a second yeah that was like that was consolidated i did overnight right i thought my youtube watcher just ticked it over into i just can't believe it is it is astonishing. To be fair, I do agree with you at a certain point.

So many comedians and people that we work with don't watch it. Because when I first did the spinoff show, people were like, oh, my God, you're going on that? Are you having to pretend to like it? I was like, no, I fucking love it. It's my favourite show on telly. This is your USP, Rob. This is your USP.

You're the only comedian that likes this kind of stuff. Rob, I'm going to say this, right? Just to stay on it. Yes, go on. I think the only thing worse, well, not the only thing worse, because I don't think it, I think what would be far worse would be a comedian that was watching these things because they felt they had to and they were trying to lever in references to

Wes from Love Island. And I'm going to say it, I only know that name because he did a swim with Alex Brooker. You've got to be true to yourself, Rob. You've got to be true to yourself. You've got to be honest.

You've got to be honest and true to yourself. And that's probably why this podcast works. I was saying this to Tom Zanetti the other day, Rob. How do you know Tom Zanetti? Because my wife reckons

that we should get him on the podcast. Right. Did she watch Celebs Go Dating, Rose? I don't think she did. But I think we should get him on the podcast. Right. Does she watch celebs go dating Rose? Uh, I don't think she did, but I think we should get him on the podcast though.

She watched some of it, but she thinks he's amazing. And she said, you'll know him through celebs go dating. Yeah. Basically he had a kid when he was really young and, um, it was quite a tragic story actually.

But anyway, he's kids grown up with him and he's, he's toured the world as a DJ, but he had to take his son with him and stuff as a single dad yeah i think she follows him on instagram and thinks he's an inspirational figure yes he has also got the best six-pack he'll ever see in your life so i can imagine rose oh well here we go here we go he's telling this story um you know there's a juggling act of why you follow people on instagram and zanetti is motivational but he has also incredibly fit he's going out out with Sophie Herman from Made in Chelsea.

Do you know her? I've met her, Rob. On 8 Out of 10 Cats? No, on Would I Lie To You? Did you? Are you sure? It was weird because I met her on one episode, then the next episode I had so little that my lie was,

I've met Sophie Herman on this show. I think what I find astonishing is that I never thought I'd see a situation where you're the one arguing that we should talk more about Fatima Whitbread and I'm the one saying I'm not interested because that's my kind of reference, Fatima Whitbread. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. All I'm saying is if like, you don't have to know that scene or have watched that. I love the fact I'm calling it a scene in I'm a Celebrity,

but it's a great turn of phrase. If you ever get anything stuck up your nose, you go, I feel like Fatima Whitbread in the jungle. That'll still get a laugh, Josh. Not in the circles I'm moving, Rob. It'll just end up in a conversation where people are like, I don't know what you're talking about. Can we do a deal, right?

Next time you go on tour, at some point, do a reference to I feel like Fatima Whitbread when you're trying to get something out your nose, for whatever it is, right next time you go on tour at some point do a reference to i feel like fat my whip bread when you're trying to get something out your nose okay whatever it is and you're going to experience a whoosh and rush of recognition like you haven't felt you know what rob i'm going to do it but i'm going to say it we had this on the last leg well do you remember the summer when love island was big news yes yes that 2018 the russian world cup the greatest summer of our lives heat wave oh my god what time that was i was the fattest i Heat wave. Oh, my God. What a time that was.

I was the fattest I've ever been, but also the happiest. I broke a chair that summer. Did you? Yeah. It was a shit chair, but I was a big lad. How big were you? I don't remember this. About 15 and a half stone.

No. I really enjoyed that summer. It was mainly foot, wasn't it? I was pissed every night and had about four pizzas a week. I was just loving life, Josh. Oh, those were the days. If I was on Gogglebox, I'd be the... Do you know what, Rob? I've heard of that one. You don't know, do you? pissed every night and had about four pizzas a week i was just loving life josh oh those if you if i was on goggle box i'll be the you know that you know what i've heard you don't know do you

do you watch goggle box uh i can't because it's on directly before the last legs i'm working oh yeah it's a shame you can't record anything at home and watch it when you get in oh i think let's be honest with you rob imagine what your life would come to if you were recording goggle box to watch it on a different time. It's the kind of thing... I do. I do. Come on, Rob. It's my favourite show.

How is it your favourite show? It's so good because I like normal people. I like hearing people. Also, on Gogglebox, they can say whatever they want. They're so brutal. Some of the stuff they say, if I said that in 8 out of 10 cats, they'd go, Oh, it's a bit harsh, isn't it, Rob? Because it's just like Karen from Doncaster.

She can do whatever the fuck she wants. I'm not saying Gogglebox is a bad show. I'm saying it's the kind of show you watch because you turn the TV on and it's on. Leave it out, mate. It's appointment viewing. It's appointment viewing. Josh, I'll tell you what.

People watch Last Leg because of Gogglebox. Oh, I'm not going to lie to you, Rob. I'm fully aware of the stats. I am across the inheritance figures comparison between Gogglebox and 8 Out of 10 Catsters Countdown.

Do you reckon pissed people are sat at home going, fucking hell, their living room's big when you come on? God,

look at these three. Do they all live together? What kind of size are their front room? It's like a spaceship. People do think we live together, Rob. That's how they think TV works. Right, right josh well should i tell you this disgusting story before we do some

emails it is disgusting so if you're eating something i'd i'd stop eating right basically i sleep naked is that the end of the story no it's not that's disgusting than that um do you sleep it wasn't 2018 it was absolutely i just think I couldn't find pyjamas that fit. Just lay a sheet over me. Yeah, where do you sleep, Josh? Pants? Pants. Shorts or pants, right?

I sleep naked, right? And anyway, and sometimes before I go to bed, if I can't, if I'm still a bit awake, I've got, I've got like wireless headphones. Also, I've got some wired ones for the side of the bed so that I can just plug in and if I want to watch out my phone before I go to sleep or listen to some music, yeah?

Anyway, so I got into bed and I grabbed my headphones, right? This is what gets disgusting. And they were sort of like fell in front of me. And as I pulled them up from the bottom of the bed where they'd landed, I pulled them up and one of the earphones went up my ass. What? The little ear...

What, like this tooth? Did your ass inhale the earphones went up my arse. What? The little ear... What, like this tooth? Did your arse inhale the earphone? Yeah. My arse was like a hungry Fatima whipbread nostril. It gobbled up the earphone, right? And I was like, ooh, like that. You didn't have to fart it out, did you? I didn't have to fart it out.

No, I pulled it out because it was on a string. It was like I was fishing up my arse, right? It's disgusting, isn't it? I pulled it out and then I had to just immediately throw the headphones away. Did you? Yeah, I couldn't even wash them. The freebie ones you get with the phone. If it had been an Apple earpod one.

It is what I would have done. I would have baby wiped it, anti-bat wiped it, and put it in the airing cupboard for a week. In the airing cupboard? Just in case there's any moisture in there. Oh, I see. And then I would have reused it,

because they're too expensive. That, you know, when it starts to get to about 150 quid, I will allow it up my arse. Do you know what I'd have done if it had been an earbud? Yeah. Right. Just kept it. Waited until everyone was back in the office for something

and then identified someone else that's got a pair. Oh, you'd swap the bud. Do the quick bud swap straight away. You can't do the bud swap with an arse bud. That's like a hate crime. Would they have started? But I don't know how the technology works then. Would they have started hearing my music?

Is that how they'd have tracked me down? Well, the worst part about the earbud is, I could have played my arse some music if I wanted. You could have played your arse some music. But also, what would have happened, obviously... Or took a phone call and literally spoke out my arse. But the way they work as well is they think they can feel if they're up against your ear, can't they?

So they would just start working. Yeah, that would be the worst. It would have just started. I'm surprised it wouldn't have just started playing, Rob. If you'd lost it and you'd had to play it to find it. No, just working its way through the worst. It would have just started. I'm surprised it wouldn't have just started playing, Rob. If you'd lost it and you'd have to play it to find it. Oh, no. Just working its way through the system. But I remember when the phone, I can't really do it now with iPhones

because they're too big. But I remember when you used to have like Nokias and that. If I was trying to open the front door and I'd know it's my phone, I'd put the phone in my mouth. Have you ever done that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I always, because old phones as well, when they rang, they really fucking rang.

You'd hear the vibration on it. It was like a rampant rabbit. And the noise, that polyphonic ringtone of a beep, beep, beep, beep, I always would panic. What if someone rings me while it's in my mouth? I think it would, like, shatter your jaw. And that was, I used to get a bit of a buzz out of that. Never felt so alive.

That, if I put my phone in my mouth and needed a piss as I opened the front door, it was like being at Alton Towers. I thought there was going to be an I'm a Celebrity reference there. I'm now just looking for I'm a Celebrity references. You used to have an I'm a Celebrity reference, I swear. It's like a Bush Tucker trial. I remember you saying it. Yeah, but being aware of the Bush Tucker trial is very different from

remembering the ups and downs of Fatima Whitbread's time in camp. But you did say earlier, I'm not going to learn reference points just to be a comedian. You've got to talk about what you know and love. The Bush Tucker trial is a reference that I know. I didn't research that. Learn it. Okay, but you like. I did watch one series.

But what's the difference between researching it? What's the difference between researching it and just broadening your mind? Oh, when you see a comedian and they've you know when they've like they've updated their references that you know when a comedian or reference fucking i'll bleep bleep the comedian's name here michael but it'll give you an idea of the kind of person i'm talking about yeah you'll see like reference stormzy and you're like oh fuck off fuck off, mate. Do you know what I mean? It was Dizzy Rascal up until about a year ago. Yeah,

exactly. That was Vanilla Ice 20 years ago, that joke, when you wrote it. When you wrote that joke? That joke was fucking Vera Lynn,

wasn't it? Let's be honest. Bait over, that was, originally. So that's what I don't want to be, Rob. I don't want to be. Yeah what I don't want to be Rob I don't want to be I don't want to be 50 and referencing

because you get two schools of thought you get the people that actually know the people and it feels casual the people that literally go right guys time for a reference update let me type in UK rapper and they find someone and then you get the people that i sort of

enjoy the most where they just stick with the reference and just no holds barred we'll just deliver someone from you sugar hill gang just still deliver the oldest reference possible anyway have you seen that woman that put the cat in the bin rob because what a bitch what a bitch what a bitch who does that to a cat? Right, let's do it. I've got some really good Instagram messages we should do before.

So I've got some emails. Let's get through them. This one says, regarding the guy who disappeared in the canoe pretending he was dead, what are your thoughts? Oh, my God.

I'm trying to think of really old references now, but I can't. You're so good at them. But that's still funny. You should do a routine on that. But sometimes I get criticised for old reference points, but I think it's unfair. I was just speaking to my friend the other day,

and they just do luck. It's funny because they're so old, and it's out of context. I've got phone notes for the next tour, Rob. It's going in there along with some really, really... And Fatima Whitbread knows. If you saw these phone notes, Rob, you would absolutely have a field day. And if you go to Josh's tour, when he does the Fatima Whitbread bit,

I'm going to do Fatima Whitbread and I'm going to do Canoe Man. Because do you know what? We're both halfway through a tour right and people keep saying to me you know when you start your tour again are you gonna like update it and i think i'll do one joke at the top about thingy and i'm not gonna update the rest because all of my stuff is still relevant right because it wasn't relevant in the first place if neil b Buchanan is suddenly, we can't talk about him,

then I'm in trouble. But COVID has had no impact on my set. Oh, you wait till Buchanan comes out as an anti-vaxxer and you can't use him as a reference. Exactly. All my Right Said Fred stuff's been ruined. Do you know what?

On that, I've got a framed Annie Hall poster that's suddenly looking like I need to get rid of it as well. Yeah, but you only put that up this week, didn't you, weirdly? You take quite an odd approach. You sort of adopt certain memorabilia after the fact. Sorry, let's do this email.

Yeah, let's do this. This is from Odowd09 on Instagram. Hi, Rob and Josh. Just wanted to say thanks. No kids at home this afternoon, so I thought it would be safe to just have the podcast on speaker in my pocket while I potted about. I love that. I love a podcast and as a potter don't you dishwasher on a podcast fucking hell what i like getting i love the pocket podcast as well because you can like if you're

doing so a job where you're carrying stuff yeah top pocket top pocket the radio with you the podcast week the whole way um here we go i stepped outside to put something in the bin still with the podcast on. The phrase licked out a bat was uttered loud and proud just as I came face to face

with my elderly neighbour. Oh. Not something you hear every day on speaker outside in my little street. Luckily, Rob repeated it louder just in case

she missed it. I don't even remember us saying it but I'm pleased that we're putting out that kind of content jared christmas he said he said you know because i was talking about covid he went apparently someone licked out a bat or whatever but now we've said it again there's a lot of bat licking out um have you got one there i've got more if you need it i'm gonna send you a picture rob oh how many bins you got rob how many bins i'm on an eight bin

policy i nearly um adopted a ninth bin because it was outside my house and people are using it more as a rescue mission, but in the end someone took it. So I'm on my eight-bin rota. Yeah. Someone sent me this picture, sent us this picture. Hi, guys. I'm in my 20s and don't have any kids but thoroughly enjoy your podcast.

Playing catch-up at the moment, I've just heard the episode about Rob's abundance of wheelie bins. When hearing of the numerous bins Rob owned on the podcast, I didn't really think anything of it until today when I walked past a Pizza Express and they only have seven bins. In my defence, two of my bins are small bins. I've got a small food one and a little box so there's seven wheelie bins there i've only got six wheelie bins right because this led led me to the conclusion

that rob's house must be turning at the same pace as an 80 seater restaurant do you know what it ain't far off but commercial waste is it collected weekly i'm on a two-week rotor so a lot of my bins for storage they're not always full but i've got the space there if i need it you know yeah but yeah it is it is a bit worrying that i'm working at the same pace as pizza express also there's a foxton's for sale sign so i imagine it's in quite a bougie area and it looks like a lovely pizza express we'll be operating a huge takeaway turnover so um yeah maybe i need to yeah but Lou orders so much stuff, mate. I cannot express to you

how much shit turns up at my house. Just constant cardboard boxes. It's all I do. Mate, cardboard is doing my head in. The folding of the cardboard. When it's Tuesday night and I realise I've got cardboard before bed, it's a...

It's a cardboard before bed. It sounds like a lesson at school. Cardboard before break. You do the leave it outside to get wet trick don't you what do you mean just put it outside to get wet and it's easier to fold once it's wet so it's rainy oh is that right oh it feels a bit unfair on the cardboard collectors though doesn't it rob fuck those guys rob yeah these are the guys that got me my new bin my mom was stolen okay fair enough no but you're putting it in but it's fine because they don't care it'll go in easier it's softer and more malleable isn't it so leave it outside to get wet because it's so hard

also some cardboard is pathetic some of it is i swear it's stronger than my walls it's got like staples in it what is that like what what was in there i would i would send my children the post in less structured cardboard this car is ridiculous that metal safe oh my god we've gone into mundane chat we're talking about cardboard quality well let's do it while we're here if we're talking about postman i'm not a postal worker but I deliver groceries for Sainsbury's yeah this is on the subject of why do postal workers wear shorts Rob yes

most of us also wear shorts to work as skin is a lot easier to dry than trousers in case it rains yes

it is isn't it it's good skin isn't it you don't realise it's great skin isn't it it's what skin is Gore-Tex skin's human Gore-Tex I've always said it

that's why it's good to wear shorts to a festival. Shorts and wellies is actually better than jeans and wellies. Because if you get a wet jean, oh, my God, a wet jean from the knee down, you're like wading home. But yeah, shorts at a festival with a hoodie if it gets cold. You can always tie your hoodie. I would fundamentally not be friends with someone that tied a hoodie around their waist normally.

But at a festival, I can swallow it. At a festival, you can get away with it. How do you feel about the festival bum bag, Rob? I'm pro bum bag. Sometimes I've adopted a bro bag just day to day with the kids. Have you? Across the shoulder like a road man, though. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Right, I've got another message. Yeah. Oh, this is, I do this and I think Lou gets annoyed and someone else is getting annoyed. This is Ben who's getting annoyed by this. Love the show. Keeps me occupied on so many early morning get ups

with my two-year-old. I wanted to get in contact to find out if I'm the only one who experiences this from their other half. Rather than directly being told to do something,

for example, put the little into bed or get dinner, bath time, et cetera. My wife insists on doing this through our little girl, Sienna. Sienna,

it's time to go to bed now. Daddy's going to take you. Or maybe daddy will take you to the park if you ask nicely. I'm like, hang on a minute. No one told me this. And by saying this through my daughter, it makes it much harder to get out of saying no.

There must be others out there with this experience. And are there any ways to fight back other than revert to the same dirty tactics what's your approach it's you know what it's a thing you find yourself doing isn't it without even thinking it i just think it's fair game it's just back and forth fair game you've got you know you give a bit take a bit and just make sure that no one's giving it or taking it too much yeah yeah you know i mean i think it's just part and parcel parenting. And Ben, I just think stick it on your wife a bit more.

Yeah. You know, just be like, oh, mummy's going to do that. It's like the nuclear arms race. There's no way of stopping it. Mummy said she wanted to wipe your ass. Mummy was the best at wiping your ass. Stuff like that. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh, no. Should I quickly do a present, Rob? Oh, let's do a present and then the small business stuff and then I've got a nice message to end on. There's almost like a structure to this now. Yeah.

We're in. We fucking know what we're doing, boy. So these are the presents that we found in the basement that my wife hasn't sent since Christmas 2018. Yeah. What have we got now? So let's go with this. This is

two. This feels like sweets. It's probably gone off. Cousin Matthew. Yeah, this could have gone off, couldn't it? Oh my god. It's worse. Oh, what is it? It's chocolates, Rob. Oh no, when do they go off? Oh, it doesn't say. Do you think you can still eat

them? Oh my god. I think they might have been out of date before. Rob, it says used by the 8th of March 2016. Fuck off! So these went off before the Brexit vote.

Those chocolates still think the NHS is going to get 350 million a week. Look at that. Do you reckon they've been in your house ages and Rose just

wrapped them up as a panic prison? I don't know. That is astonishing. Do you know what? Imagine sending them and Matthew getting that.

Oh my God. You've done Rose a favour. Yeah, because that is, that's a lawsuit on your hands waiting. That's actually rows of favour. Yeah, because that is, that's a lawsuit on your hands waiting. That's actually offensive.

Yeah. 2016. That's mental, mate. So they were for Christmas 2018. Well, I look forward to seeing what's in next week's. Do you know what I found in my cupboard the other day? What? Dried oregano from 2011.

Oh yeah, that's kind of, that's 11. I'm not an Oregano guy. That's moved house as well, hasn't it, that Oregano? About three times. I've had that longer than Lou. I've had a longer relationship with that Oregano than Louise. Did you get rid

or did you keep it as a keepsake? No, I'm keeping Lou. She's fine. She's lovely. She has got the up with me though because I said that she's listening to the podcast and she said, or I said that she gets into petty rows with the kids. She went, I want you to retract that. And I went, okay, well, I will, but am I telling the truth? And she went, yeah, you are telling the truth.

I went, well, I should retract it then. And she went, yeah, but you should because I just don't want people to know. I was like, oh, this actually feels quite petty, Lou, which is point proven. But, yeah, so I should, because I just don't want people to know. I was like, oh, this actually feels quite petty, Lou, which is point proven. But yeah, so I'm going to track that statement. She isn't petty with the girls and argue with them, even though she is and she does. Is that a fair attraction? Yeah, I'd say that her saying that has actually drawn more attention to something that I'd forgotten about. Well, exactly. And so that's up to her, isn't it?

But that's how we're moving forward with this. Right, Josh, what small businesses are we going to give a shout out to? I was going to say, do email in with the oldest things you've found in your food cupboard. Can you beat Rob's 2011 Oregano? And have you got anything that's fronted by someone who's been cancelled since? A Bill Cosby tin of biscuits. Exactly. Things like that.

That would be a great double up. Yeah, exactly. So. Right, go on. Small business shout a great double up. Yeah, exactly. So. Right, go on. Small business shout out. What you got there, bruv? So we just thought it'd be nice to shout out small businesses at the end of Tuesday's episode that our listeners have, you know, maybe set up in lockdown or have been struggling to get through lockdown, as many people have, you know, for obvious reasons.

And we thought we've got a platform here. So, Rob, what have you got? I've got one here. I've got this one from Michael Chaplow. I would love to give a shout out for Andy's Man Club. Andy's Man Club is a national men's peer-to-peer suicide prevention charity with over 40 groups around the UK. Please check out andysmanclub.co.uk

and search Andy's Man Club on social media platform. If anyone's suffering with mental health, log into there and there'll be plenty of clubs to help you out. Well, what have you got, Josh? Okay, so this is from Sarah Pennington. Hello, hope you're both well. I'd love the opportunity for my dad's family business

to be promoted. I'm a 16-year-old who has been listening to the podcast since the Ramesh episode. After quitting a job that made him unhappy, my dad started a coffee roasting and tea merchant business. This is a family run business based in the Lake District, goes by the name of Pennington's Tea and Coffee. The only employees are my aunt, uncle and cousin and the business is owned by my parents. So it's very much a family affair. As you can imagine, lockdown has been very tough for the hospitality industry. So the only sales that they can make right now are through home orders. They do brilliant subscription boxes.

Selected items of your choice get delivered monthly to your door. As well as standard orders of huge range of teas, coffees and other delectables, hampers, baskets, et cetera. All the coffees are roasted by my uncle and cousin. The beans are sourced at environmentally sustainable farms. So the website is penningtonscoffee.co.uk. That's P-E-N-N-I-N-G-T-O-N-S, coffee. The Instagram is penningtonsteecoffee.

That's the same, but with the word tea in between. Thanks for clearing that up, Josh. Also, how well written is that? Sarah Pennington. I was just thinking that. Fuck me. I only learned grammar at 24. She is.

She is a superb writer. It's great, isn't it? Well done. And that's such a lovely thing to do to help your dad's business out. So well done, Sarah. Josh, let's finish on a positive message now, as well as those small businesses. This is from Chloe J Cox.

I just want to say a massive thank you to Gabby Logan and you guys for the discussion about IVF. Whilst I was growing up, my parents went through countless IVF to have another baby. None of them worked, but I remember them explaining the process just like Gabby did to her kids. It's always been such a taboo subject and no one would ever talk about it when I was growing up. I've just turned 30 and trying for a baby and it looks like we'll need to go through the IVF route ourselves.

And I've been feeling a bit down about it. But Gabby's episode has really made me feel so much better. Top tier podcast. So that's nice. Good luck the IVF. I'd like to add as well. Obviously, Gabby was talking about IVF and how it worked for her. And unfortunately, sometimes it doesn't work for everyone.

And we didn't want to sort of leave that out. But we are aware of that. A few people sort of messaged and stuff. But hopefully IVF does work for some people. And good luck with it. And yeah, it's just nice. I think it's nice to be open and chat about these things because that's something I remember growing up. I used to always be told, oh, no, I can't talk about that.

I think it's much better to talk about stuff. And hopefully it helps other people like it helped you chloe so good luck with the ivf and uh fingers crossed you uh get a bubba soon um josh what what's that what's an episode we've had headphones up the ass that was genuinely a i'd say a roller coaster rob and it was such a roller coaster it's not my neck right back into shape honestly Honestly, I think it's absolutely superb. Just like the metal slide, your neck's on fire. Wicked. All right, then, guys, we'll see you on Friday. See you on Friday.

For another chat. Bye. Bye.