Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP23: Jessica Knappett

Episode Date: April 8, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S02 EP23: Jessica KnappettJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant writer and actress, Jessica Knappett. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett! And Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin.

Very good. There we go go that was good wasn't it that was that is Dylan who's almost four and his sister Rosie

who's seven months in the background here in West Wales West Wales is lovely I've added that bit oh by the way

might not be true could be awful no it's genuinely it's a wonderful do you want to hear something funny Rob sorry to get distracted. Yeah, go on.

Does this make me a terrible human being, Rob? Yeah, I love these conversations. Go on. But when everyone starts that, it's never actually something that's terrible. Like, I've just murdered someone. Obviously, my wife is seven and a half. Dead now?

Oh, no, she's alive. Okay, cool. I just looked out the window, and it started to snow, astonishingly. And I just looked out the window. it started to snow, astonishingly. And I just looked out the window. I was like, oh, it's snowing. And I looked down into the garden and saw Rose desperately trying to manhandle the garden furniture into the shed. And then I pressed play on the voice memo and got on with the podcast.

Like a good guy does. Do you want to go and help or is she all right now? She's stopped now. What, like on purpose or has she just clapped? She's completely the top. She's just weirdly lying down in the snow. Why is it fucking snowing, Rob? It was 20 degrees last week. I know I got sunburned on sunday now it's

like snowing this week it's ridiculous um how you been josh um is your child on easter holidays or still in school oh mate yeah so my friend who goes to the same nursery as me on thursday turns up at nursery to pick up his son uh so i'll see you tomorrow guys and they're like no no it's good friday yeah he's like oh right, I'll see you tomorrow, guys. And they're like, no, no, it's Good Friday. And he's like, oh, right. Okay, yeah, well, see you on Tuesday then. And they're like, no, it's off next week. He had no idea about Easter.

He didn't know there was an Easter holiday, and neither did I. So your school. I've just got a text from Rose saying it's snowing. Yeah, it's like, hurry up before our fucking furniture breaks. So I thought that yours was just like a nursery preschool thing that was just all the time. So did I, mate. So he puts on the group.

Because you don't have half terms, do you? No. He puts on the group. You're not going to believe what's just happened. I've made a right pratt of myself. I've only just found out at the gate that next week's off. And we're like, what?

Next week's off? So how long are they off for? One week? One week. I'm away filming, Rob. The furniture's the least of Rose's problems to be honest with you.

So she'll have a three-year-old and be heavily pregnant and you'll be filming and sleeping in hotels. Yeah, I'm staying in a hotel on Tuesday night. Oh, only one night. Oh, that's all right.

At least you'll be back in the evenings to help. It's my birthday on Thursday. Oh, that's all right. At least you'll be back in the evenings to help. It's my birthday on Thursday. Oh, that's exciting. What are you doing? Well, I'm filming from 8.30 until 10, and then I'm wrapped for the day. So I've kind of got my birthday,

which I was thinking I was going to, you know. Because this is the Friday's episode, but we're recording it before Friday. Oh, yeah, so I'll have just had my birthday. You'll have just had your birthday. Okay, fair enough. So you can't really do anything. You can have some people in the garden that's it isn't it yeah exactly just leave wait well just wait a week and then we'll meet up we need to meet me you and michael need to meet up yes let's do that i've only seen michael once ever i think yeah well he sounds bad someone emailed in yeah they love i

mean his voice is so popular yeah so they emailed in and they said this rob we are getting sex messages from michael's voice aren't we yeah is it a sex message or we're not reading them out are we hi josh rob and the man who occasionally speaks unexpectedly in a deep baritone voice i think he'd prefer the word producer yeah to describe him but he'll take that do you want join this email anyway rob yes up yes please yeah it's not too saucy because there is a there is we've got a very strange demographic of people with kids people without kids like teenagers listen loads of grandparents and older people at the school gates have told me listen also there's a there's a very sort of um i'd say a group of horny single mums that are very very keen on Michael's voice

and I think lockdown's really fermenting that lust well do you know who else listens Ed Gamble's mother-in-law or mother-in-law to be because he texted me about his Easter lunch and he said

he's always eating Easter lunch classic what did he have? All right, man. What did he have for lunch? Let's drag that out for an hour. Fucking chances. I'm joking. I'm joking.

I can't find it. I can't fucking find it. Ed Gamble. I'll tell you this story about Ed Gamble's mother-in-law. I think it's still, he's still with the same partner, but is she the person that runs the studios? She used to run the dressing rooms.

She used to run ITV studios before they got rid of them. Yeah. So I remember complaining to Ed Gamble about how shit my dressing room studios before they um got rid of them yeah so i remember complaining to ed gamble about how shit my dressing room was in front of his girlfriend um and uh that basically i was just slagging off her mum oh my it was all right but to be fair it was a shit dresser and she knew it was like it's like a corridor they give you but also the dinners they used to do they used to do sweet at dinner but they would give you a lasagna as big as your head. And they weren't being tight there. They were very generous.

A lasagna as big as your head with, like, chips and garlic bread. 20 minutes before you did the show. Yeah, exhausted. And all you want to do after that is go to sleep. I couldn't get my head around it. It was mental. All I wanted to do, I'd have a lasagna, I'd have a garlic bread. All I wanted to do was rip the news to shreds, Rob.

That's all I wanted to do, I'd have a lasagna, have a garlic bread. All I want to do is rip the news to shreds, Rob. That's all I wanted to do. I couldn't go to Italian restaurants after that. I'd have to be at the main and then over, you know, an affragato. I'm just absolutely slamming Corbyn. Eat like Eric Pickles. Slag off Eric Pickles. Right. Which episode is she describing here?

A mad Brummie man. He stays up all night with the baby and has a fry up and goes to bed. Tom Parry. Yeah. Oh, dear. A mad Brummie man. Sorry, what was the message about Michael's voice?

Oh, yeah, okay. Everyone says this at the beginning of their emails, but I love the podcast, et cetera. Right, on the subject of my email, when you were discussing naming a baby that directly after it's born is probably not the best time to ask someone to make a decision that will affect the person for the rest of their life, it made me think of my two children. Rosie is 13, and Wilfred is, I'll end with an age.

They put Rosie is 13 and Wilfred is. On the surface, these names... He's a philosopher. He just is. He's a human being, not a human doing, Josh. On the surface, these names seem quite normal and inoffensive. But I realised last year

that for short, I call them Fred and Rose. That in itself is not too bad but my surname is west mccott when i first realized this i suddenly declared oh my fucking god i've named my children after the two most notorious serial killers in british history she must have known rose my rose not the original rose west found it funny. So there we go. Wow, Fred and Rose West.

Josh, I've got a salty Josh Willicombe story. Oh. Well, he's not really that salty. This is an old school friend of Josh. Hi, Rob and Josh. Loved your recent podcast Friends of School Days. As a fellow classmate of Josh's, I can confirm school dinners were, in fact, delivered from another school,

which was luxurious enough to have its own kitchen. They arrived in big, bright orange hot locks, which are regularly late. Is that correct? I don't remember them arriving, so I presume so. This is Steph Martin and it's got Tilly or Tilly in a bracket. Yeah, Steph Tilly. Yeah, Steph Tilly.

So you know Steph Tilly. Anyway, the whole phone in the order number, though, reminded me of other aspects of the primary school. For example, our school was so small, it didn't require a full-time secretary. So basically, there was someone that come in twice a week, which meant due to the lack of school secretary, a child in year six was nominated to be the phone monitor.

Yeah, correct. Is this correct? So whenever the phone rang, this child would get, we've got to run out of their classroom and vomit down a corridor to answer a phone. That is absolutely 100% true. And I'd completely forgotten it. Okay, here we go. Oh, this sounds like that's a routine being written for you here, Josh, already.

Do you know what, Rob? Yeah. This kind of email is hugely, hugely helpful. If, for instance, you're writing a book about growing up in the middle of nowhere in the 90s, for instance, and you were slightly short of the word count, so keep reading. If you could forward the email on for me, Rob, so I just have to copy and paste, that would be ideal.

And you bombed, as phone monitors, to bomb it down that hallway like Fatima Whitbread, trying to find Medic Bob. That is mad. So if you phone the school, a year six would have to run and answer the phone. Yeah.

That is phenomenal. Anyway, Josh was the year above me in school, but as our school was so teeny, there was only two classes. Yeah. We were in the same class for years. There was one incident where we had a supply teacher coming twice a week to teach us science.

It's now concerning to think our standard teacher wasn't capable of this. One day she gave about 10 of us brand new glass thermometers, each for an experiment. She explained that to call them, we had to hold them in the air. She went on to explain that actual scientists waved them in the air to call them down quicker, but we wouldn't be doing this due to the risk of breakage. To this day, I still will not understand why you would give that information to a group of nine, 10 and 11 year olds. It's mental that nine, 10, 11 were all taught at the same level.

You know, following my very scientific temperature checking, I calmly held my thermometer in the air to cool. When I say calmly, there was a small amount of calm waving like the scientist I wanted to be. The item clearly ended up on the floor in pieces. My mum made me pay the 12 pounds to replace it out of my pocket money, which took me six weeks.

In the early 90s, the most annoying thing. She was on two quid a week? She was on two quid a week? The most annoying thing about this whole event is that I would have gotten away with my original statement of, I'm sorry, Miss, I was just holding it and it accidentally dropped, had Mr. Widdicombe not piped up with she shook it miss i saw her no i didn't do that dirty grass i have no memory of that i have no memory of that grass rat do you know i hate myself grass wanker job you salty grass bitch fucking what do you want in your glass of salt you big grass whore sorry josh i've got a bit carried away anyway i totally agree

with you on that one rob that is totally unacceptable behavior i think when you're young when you're a kid you do do stuff like that you know yeah but you know you're not grass anymore i'd say i'm pretty sure he was still angry with me because I was two questions ahead of him in our maths booklet. I mean, yeah, Stephanie was the only person better than me at maths. Oh,

wow. I can see. Oh, wow. Now there's a motive. Stephanie was so good at maths. It was insane. She was better than you at maths in a class of three.

Wow. Oh, come on. you'd have thought we got taught maths but no we pretty much just did booklets to work throughout our own pace in our classrooms because we were different ages this is not this is worse than if like i just this is worse than the homeschooling we did for our kids you just had a book turns out josh has a highly competitive street and you do josh don't you I'd say which I think is a good thing it's way more successful that said I was told at parents evening that it was

important to take my time and not everything was a competition with Josh they're having a freaking laugh surely of course it's a bloody competition we're 10 years old it feels like it's a bit of a chemistry with you and Stephanie I'm glad to hear Josh has settled down I'm thrilled to hear he has the little one on the way sounds like a jilted ex at the moment I'm so glad hear Josh has settled down. I'm thrilled to hear he has the little one on the way. Sounds like a jilted ex at the moment. I'm so glad he's settled down. I'm not going to lie. I think he's still trying to aim for the relationship Chris Campkin and I had through our primary school years. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Never going to happen, Josh. Josh, did you fancy Stephanie? Well, interesting you should say that, Rob. Yes. I did have a brief six-hour relationship with Stephanie that she's written out of history. Fucking stallion. Six hours. Yeah.

Wow, what a man. Was that just on a school day or something? No. So this is such a good story, Rob. Well, she says, Chris Kampkin, you described them as the Posh and Becks of primary school because they were together in primary they were i'm not going to lie to you rob yeah that would have been very prescient as we left in 1994 so i don't know how

i managed to do that yeah but i don't think you called them that at the time i think in retrospect you referred to the because obviously the rejection from stephanie has burnt quite deeply within you better i'd say if they were pososh and Becks then, Rob, I was Rebecca Luce. You wanked off a pig at school. How rural was this school? There's a reality reference I get, Rob. Exactly.

You know that one. Right. So what happened with the relationship with you and Stephanie? Well, essentially, you know how when you're a kid and you get, you know, suddenly a boyfriend and girlfriend with someone, it's not, you know, just because someone's decided that. You hold hands or just you're near them for a bit because you're angry. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

That happened after school. We were having a party one time, various people. And then Stephanie was stood on a sleeping bag. Yeah. Asked me to take the sleeping bag from under her feet, which I think I don't rush the blood to the head. I tried to do that trick with the tablecloth and the things. Yep.

She went over. I was dumped game over. Well, she said she'd like to apologize for letting you down though. I just don't think the whole white blonde curly hair thing did it for me. Maybe I could have been a little straight. I had straight hair well maybe she said maybe i could have been friendlier than the no way she gave you when that note was passed across the classroom she has made that oh did you pass her a note i have no memory of that rob well maybe your brains

because she rejected you but your brain's got rid of that memory. Yeah. Brains look after themselves, don't they? Exactly. And she screams no way at you. That's absolutely fascinating. This Steph stuff, wow. I mean, I would love to know if she's still with Chris Campkin. I don't think so because they both went to my secondary school and they weren't together

at that point. Chris Campkin, I follow on Instagram and he works on those Davidid attenborough documentaries does he he's a catch he's a catch he's one of those posh blokes at the end let's show you how they made it it's not always posh in it it's never like never a geezer judging by his instagram yeah it's it's not it's not a hive of working class activity me and christopher and jasper we're here for seven weeks waiting for the reticulated giraffe to arrive. And what a sight it was. It's never just like, yeah, me and Steve got her about a week ago.

And yeah, it's fuck all in. We've been waiting ages. We're just waiting for Attenborough to text us what he wants. He has got a special camera, judging by his Instagram. He's got like a camera that he's always going on about. Well, that's maybe why, maybe, you know, to be fair, though, you know, she picked well, Stephanie. She got some that worked on Attenborough shows. She missed out on, you know, TV's second funniest blonde man. Do you know she she picked well stephanie she got some that worked on attenborough shows she missed out on you know tv's second funniest blonde man do you know what i mean

well there we go do you know what is interesting just how different you remember things do you know what i mean yeah i think genuinely though my brain is very good at deleting stuff that was traumatic and but what happens is you your consciousness is still aware of it and it still makes you behave in certain ways from it right it's a bit this is getting a bit deeper because that's why people go to therapy because you talk about things as you talk about it you go bloody hell that happened so that explains why i act like that in certain situations so like for example i did a corporate and I died on my ass. It was over in Celtic Manor in Wales, right?

I was told it was formal black tie event. I went like I was hosting a Royal Variety and it was for a mechanics and there was people there in shorts and flip-flops. It was like Butlin's function room like vibe. It was in the beautiful Celtic Manor and I walked on and I got the name of the company wrong, stood up there like Bob Monkhouse, as smart as you've ever walked on and I got the name of the company wrong stood up there like Bob Monkhouse as smart as you've ever seen and I got the name of the company

wrong someone's going fuck off and I died for 20 minutes to absolute silence and then it was awful and I run off and then there was a tour manager that went we just got to get in the car and drive immediately just drive just drive and then he drove and as soon as we got to a garage I went in and got six cans of Stella and downed three of them on the M4 just to escape. And then on the way home, some, I think we took the wrong turn. He took the wrong turn. He was driving, just to be clear.

Yeah, I drove me out. It was a hell of a time. We were driving home and then the tour manager guy took the wrong turn and it put another half an hour on the journey. It was horrible. The atmosphere was awful in the car and it was one of the worst nights of my life gigging.

And then like two days later, tour manager texted and said, oh, sorry about taking a wrong turn the other night i was like what i'd completely forgotten every aspect of that evening just because my brain was like alt control delete task manager get rid get rid end program and so i think that stuff like that might have happened but if the first time you get rejected by a girl at school even if you're like hey it is brutal, wasn't it? I just don't believe it happened, Rob. Fair enough.

By the way, I'm referring to you having a bad gig, obviously. I just don't believe it happened. No, that was bad also as well. I pride myself on smashing gigs for mechanics. I still think the best performance I ever gave was at the Air Conditioning and Refrigeration Awards. I've done that one. If you're going to give me a brand called Smeg. I'm going to deliver some fucking home runs. Anyway,

Josh, I've got, I've got one more. Should we do this one before we introduce our guest? I put out an appeal to anyone who's listening, who's got stories about going to primary school with either of us. Oh yes. Give us any memories of ourselves at primary school that we can then see

whether we remember. Yeah. Let's know. I mean, where I ourselves at primary school that we can then see whether we remember. Yeah, let's know. I mean, where I went to primary school, Josh, a couple of my mates from primary school didn't know what podcasts were until about 18 months ago. So I don't know, you know, I still think it's a stiff-necked dominated world, but I think a few loose-necked mates.

Most of my mates from school listened to The Magic Sponge I did with Jimmy Bullard. It's a bit more geezery, isn't it? You're less likely to get Philippa Perry on that one, aren't you? Well, I don't know. She did do, I think, trials at Northampton. She used to love her

pissing in people's shoes for banter. Anyway, right, here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. All the talk about how Josh's daughter will react to her new sibling remind me of this story.

Many years ago now, a friend of mine had a six-year-old boy and a newborn baby girl. She had left the children unattended together for five minutes while she went into the kitchen to make a brew.

The baby girl was strapped safely into a bouncy chair and the boy was playing quietly. I do love all these stories where it's obvious that the children are being cared for, but parents or friends of parents have to make it clear that it was safe in case the NSPCs here listening were like, yeah, they were fine. They were just playing with knives and starting the gas fire. Anyway, they were were safe they were strapped in the chair and the boy was playing quietly she heard him giggling while she was in the kitchen but thought nothing of it she came back into the

living room to her absolute horror discovered what a little boy had been doing he had only decorated his little sister's face with a black permanent sharpie marker pen. Oh, my fucking God. She rang the GP for advice and was told she could only wipe it daily with cotton wool and water and mild soap, and she could not scrub her daughter's delicate skin. She had to go about her daily life. How old was the daughter, sorry?

Newball. You're talking like strapped into his chair, though, she says. Oh, no, strapped into the b though she says so oh no chapped into the bouncer so she can probably support about so probably six months old or younger basically she had to go about her daily life and attend baby weighing clinics with a baby's face covered oh so slowly fading marker pen absolutely astonishing awful try because if you explain it's sort of quite funny but then there's the judgment comes doesn't it so where if you explain it, it's sort of quite funny, but then the judgment comes, doesn't it? So where were you?

Does it say how long it took? No, it says my daughter's 16 now and her face is still coloured in. And now it just said a few weeks to disappear. Do you know what? That's quicker than I'd have thought. That's the only positive, is a few weeks. Well, there's only one way to find out how long it would take. When your baby arrives Josh

give it a quick colour draw a moustache on it maybe go for a blue a bit of a smurf vibe and see how long it takes why not why not wicked

okay well Josh we introduce our guest this week who have we got this week we have the brilliant Jess Knappett who has one child and she has moved back to the uk during lockdown from a certain place called la and now lives in a lovely yorkshire village

yeah what a culture shock where she grew up which is quite interesting because it always happens it's happened to me i'm not too far i'd like to go back to where I grew up and settle a few scores about lies that have been told about me at primary school, Rob. Oh, dear. We could get more info from Stephanie about that note being passed. Maybe you could sue her for slander. If you could forward on her email address, Rob. Oh, don't. You're happily married.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't go down that path. It's nostalgia. Right. Here's Jess Knappett, and enjoy, people, and we'll speak to you next week. Or after.

We speak after the episode. Hello, Jess Knappett. How are you? Hi, lads. Should we pretend that we haven't just had a 20-minute tech nightmare? Can we? Yeah, I mean, we could tell everyone all about it, but I think it would be as boring an intro

as the last 20 minutes would be. I think that's, you know, that's fair enough. But we should say you're in Yorkshire and your internet is patchy, correct? Yes, correct. Rob, are you putting those out as two separate facts or are you trying to relate them? No, I'm just saying, has it been a difficult online, at home, working pandemic with slower broadband? It honestly has only just happened in the last few weeks that it started getting this bad.

When I was in the beginning of the pandemic, I was in right at the beginning of of the pandemic I was in a much more remote cottage because my husband's American so we were living in we were living in LA which I can't say without sounding like a twat you can say America that sounds better but then when the more specific you get California living in California that sounds a bit wanky, and then you say, I was living in LA, and people are like, all right, fuck off, mate. The West Coast? Could you say the West Coast?

That's worse, isn't it? That is worse. Los Angeles, I think. Is that better? Los Angeles, I suppose is better, isn't it? How about the opposite side of America to New York? Could you say that? So I was living in the opposite side to America of New York. Oh, no, I can't say that. I got it wrong.

You can't say that physically. It sounds like someone writing a book that isn't hitting their word limit. You sound like you're speaking from experience, Rob. I don't know what you're talking about, Jess. But if I were to write a book, I would reference the show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here Now a lot because that really pumps through the word count. If I were to, but I'm not saying I am.

And so you were living in LA, Jess. Yeah. For the listeners, what's your child set up? My child is one child of three years old. Okay. Girl. And you had that child, that girl in LA, correct? I had her in London and then transported her back and forth

between London and LA for two years of the poor child's life. How was the life of you, presumably, if you're going between London and LA with a baby? It's a lot of long-haul flights. It's a lot of long-haul flights. It's a lot of just being tired and changing nappies on planes and getting told off by hostesses and you know what did you get told off for i changed a nappy on a seat once and apparently you're not allowed to do that what the pilots was it

do you think that's quite a harsh rule yeah is it it was a free seat wasn't it it wasn't someone who got up to go to the toilet and you'd use their seat while they were gone was it no but it wasn't it wasn't a dumb it was a it was just a wet nap and i was like all right i'm gonna put it in the bin but um i'm making myself sound i know what that looks like i've said it now that's my that was my opening gambit as well i think that's an acceptable thing to do so was it was it a seat you'd paid for or was it a rogue seat well it was a rogue seat and i because what had happened was my husband had bought a ticket but decided the last minute decided he wasn't coming so i was flying alone with her and then so that but i had bought her a seat because she was just at that age where

because i think it's at two isn't it where you have to buy a seat but she was like they don't sit in at all no they don't but she was just at that age where she couldn't sit on my knee yeah so you was operating a three seat system. So I did have a three seat system on the go and for some reason the air hostess just sort of took a disliking to me because I had three seats

and right from the off she was quite rude to me and then at one point she said we do have other people with children on this plane, you know. They're not the ones that hate me. It's the one without children that hate me. Yeah.

Actually, we got quite a good system going down. Because basically, if you're flying on a long-haul flight, you get TV screens, don't you? Yeah. I mean, I'm kind of like this anyway as a parent. My motto is whatever it takes. I think that is a great motto. I've given up. I've given up with any kind of rule.

It's pointless because I don't want to be having arguments with a three-year-old. So you're saying let them have whatever they want is your approach? My approach is honestly just, yeah, whatever they want. Actually, what was quite nice is I read Philippa Perry's book. I know she's been on the show. And she has a technique called love bombing. So what is love bombing?

It's when you do whatever they want all day and they're in charge. And so like if they want to play it being, you know, jungle animals, then you do that. And then whatever food they want to make, you make it with them. You do basically whatever they want to do all day. They have the best day ever.

And then they love you at the end of the day. That's the idea. Okay. And did you do basically whatever they want to do all day they have the best day ever and then they love you at the end of the day that's the idea okay and did you do it and so i did that and then i realized this is she's having a great time i'm happy i'm just going to do this all the time oh so is it supposed to be like every now and again yeah you're supposed to do it like one especially it's supposed to be like for a special bonding experience oh i see but you just do it but her life is a whole special bonding experience she's the happiest child in the world it's easier it's a bank holiday lifestyle i just do honestly whatever's easy what the last time you had to say no though and you had to go no that's not happening well usually i've there's a workaround. Like last night, there was a tantrum because she'd got a graze on her stomach from nursery. And when she got in the bath, it stung, obviously.

And then she was kicking off because it really hurt. And so I said, I'll get you a Paw Patrol plaster because she loves. And then that calmed her down. And then I went downstairs and I was like, oh, I haven't got any a Paw Patrol plaster because she loves and then that calmed her down and then I went downstairs and I was like oh we haven't got any fucking Paw Patrol plaster oh that is a heartbreak when that happens never specify the plaster oh god what am I going to do but that was the only thing

that had calmed her down so then I had to and I was like what I should do now is just be like no we haven't got any deal with it that's what other parents do I'm quite excited about this now what did should do now is just be like no we haven't got any deal with it that's what that's what other parents do i'm quite excited about this now what did you do i rummaged through uh the sticker book collection found a sticker of sky from paul patrol stuck it on a plain adult plaster and then came in and said, here it is.

I think that's okay. I thought you'd gone to the shops in a pandemic. No. Basically, she's a spoiled brat, but I'm kind of packaging it as like something that I'm doing for myself. I think that's a nice thing you've done. I think that is creative. I mean, did she fall for it? Yes, of course she did. Three, she's an idiot.

Yes, of course she did. Three, she's an idiot. But what happens when she's not an idiot anymore and she gets older and she starts to be aware of this set-up? Have you planned for that or are you just going to continue love-bombing? No, I haven't planned for that. I don't know. She'll probably still keep getting stars from me for doing nothing. Have you got a star system then?

Yeah, we've got a star chart. But it's been absolutely destroyed because, well, obviously she figured out where the stars were and just gets them herself and puts them on the star chart. And I just let her do that because it makes her happy. What about your partner? Does he have to do more of the discipline or the rules or is he the same?

He's got a bus lip at the moment because she nutted him last night oh my god absolutely true i mean yeah i think he probably takes i don't know if we're like good cop and bad cop though i think there's just sort of it's just anarchy really he's like very very calm or is he just emotionless i don't know but i enjoy finding out do you i find i like i've become more into anarchy in the last six months yeah i i find it quite thrilling to have my kitchen turn into complete anarchy well i i've been thinking this that i quite like i quite like to just let's just what why does anyone care if things are messy or i i think this is just what this year has done to me it's just like

everything's pointless anyway i mean one of the things that I genuinely don't want her to be is, like, a good girl who obeys all the rules. Yeah. So I'm trying to, like, teach her... Yeah, that'd be terrible, wouldn't it? To do... I want her to do things my way, sure. But no-one likes the goody-two-shoes. And so when she... Because sometimes I can see her doing...

You want her to have a bit of edge. I want her to have some edge. And so I can see her being like i i put my toys away and i did this thing and like i want to start i'm like yeah all right but good girls turn into good women and then you know that's how the patriarchy control us forever i love the way you've turned into, just can't be arsed to tell my daughter no, into a big feminist movement. Whatever it takes, Rob. Actually, it's probably quite good if she just does whatever she wants, because then eventually she'll smash the patriarchy.

And then it cuts to when she's in, like, Youth Offenders, and you going, I shouldn't have let her nut him. It's good fun, though, isn't it? Yes, I know know what you mean you don't want a boring kid do you oh god no so let me tell you this i had a i've got a friend i'm gonna change the details although i know he doesn't listen to the podcast but he he's got like a two-year-old and he was like um yesterday she just got um she got a spoon out the drawer. Didn't ask for it. Started playing with it and that's not what we were doing. And I thought, should I stop her?

Because have I lost my authority? And I was like, what kind of fucking Nazi concentration camp are you running? Getting a spoon out the drawer is a problem. Also, a spoon is a good toy in my house yeah that does that i think some people get really panicked when their kids just mess about yeah well that's not that spoon's not a toy and you're like what is wrong with you if it keeps them quiet for 10 minutes anything's a fucking toy mate but i think i get what you're saying jess because you i want you i want my you know my kids to be polite nice, but you don't want them to be sort of, you know, shouted down

and they just do what everyone says at school and stuff. They need to be able to hold their own. But I'm a bit anti my kids having edge because of the sort of, you know, the family circles I moved in growing up. My cousins had a bit too much edge. Right. So I'm a bit anti the edge. So did you have quite a list to you too isn't it

yeah bit of fun just a bit of family fun that kind of joke did you did you have quite a sensible upbringing and stuff then was it quite serious and sensible in your house or was it silly and anarchy i know it was absolutely feral absolutely i mean it is no exaggeration to say that my brother and i nearly died several times how old was she when she let you left the uk then what age did you go to america oh well um i mean on and off for years we kept going and coming back and then the last time we went she would she just turned one one and two ish she was in america two and a half and then she yeah she was like two and a half last year when when we left on uh you know when things started kicking off is that why you left

yeah well we've been what i'm so delighted about this happening this year is um of aside from the global chaos is just that like my husband and i have been having this ongoing argument about which country to live in and i won and now and it was just so good because i because it just england made such a good case for itself because America is mental obviously and like I wasn't having a very good time because as as great as LA is it's like it's full of people who are sort of you know at the top of their game and successful and that's great and everything but like obviously the other 90% are just like Orlando Bloom's Times article they're just all sort of like brain

octane oil I'm a Capricorn you didn't like that kind of LA lifestyle I wasn't mad about it and I also really felt like they hated kids generally and they'd be like oh you you brought your daughter to a restaurant that's okay we'll see what we can do it's just not very kid friendly and you've got to drive on a motorway to get anywhere and that just made me scared basically so um anyway we came back because my my my mum who lives so we've moved back to where my where I grew up um my mum who brought me up in chaos as I've said phoned me drunk and said you've got to come back this was like before it all you know she was like I've been talking to the girls and um you've got to come back home because my life is you know dictated by a group of drunk, menopausal women.

And so she's been talking to the girls, and that means I have to do what the girls have said. Anyway, we arrived back in Leeds, and my mum picked us up from the airport and told us that she'd changed her mind and we couldn't stay with them. Oh, wow. We didn't have anywhere to stay. So we rented a cottage in Yorkshire Dales and it was absolutely lovely and then we had that really like nice time that every you know people

obviously were having an awful time but we were very lucky in the countryside but then also with a daughter who was potty training and doing that thing that they do where they drop their nap. But we didn't realise that was what was happening. But that's, you know, that's a nice place for it to happen. Yeah. And they were like chickens and lambs and it was kind of idyllic. But then we moved into a town and now we now we live in the town where I used to go out when I was a teenager. Oh, wow. What's that like to go back to where you were from? It's really weird because the first, when my husband first moved here, he was like,

oh my God, it's amazing. It's got a tennis club. And he went down to the tennis club and like booked in for a match. And the first person he booked in for a match with was my childhood boyfriend. Oh, wow. Wow. That's a real test, isn't it? Oh, boy. He got absolutely thrashed as well, did my husband.

He's on his home court, isn't he? Home court advantage. I mean, yeah. It's weird sort of walking around being like, yeah, I got chucked out of that bar. I don't think I'm actually technically allowed to go in there. Do you see people from your school then a lot and stuff like that? I do a bit, yeah.

Basically, there's a few people who've lingered. And then, yeah, some people who've come back. Will your daughter go to the same school you went to? No, that would be weird, wouldn't it? But, I mean, she could. And have you, out of being crass, have you bought a house so this is it yeah i've completely won how does he feel about this it was his idea and does he love it yeah he honestly does like it he's enjoying it if i moved to apply so he doesn't know anyone except presumably your family

yeah no i know but and it is weird because at the moment we're not obviously missing that because you can't see anyone anyway yeah but i am i'm worried about what's going to happen when we come out of all this are you going to have to kind of make friends make new friends yeah and he he keeps being like my husband keeps being like all right so what you know where should we go on holiday where should we do you know what let's go let's book a staycation and i'm a bit like i've seen you i mean yeah it would be nice for me to go and see some of my other friends it's hard now isn't it because what are you what are we gonna do is i feel like this is a new end of lockdown dilemma it's like who are going to go and spend your time with first?

And can you bring your children? There's six people in a garden thing's really limiting in a weird way. Under fives don't count, apparently. Under fives don't count. Yeah, so I'm going to have a hundred under fives over for my birthday. And five adults. Well, this is fine because we don't have six friends yet yeah yeah i mean so how's she getting how often is she at nursery your daughter full-time five days five days a week

like nine to five yeah pretty much i mean she it did um yeah it did close for a few weeks because they had eight cases of covid and then that was when it was like, wow, I really am. I really, you know, and I kind of felt like I'm a mum now. Like I just, that's all I can do is just be a mum. I can't do any other work. And I'm kind of glad that I had that time so that I can realise that I do like being a mum. I just don't want to do it ever again.

Would you imagine that her childhood's going to be like your childhood then in yorkshire yeah i guess so except she's going to be like the weirdo that's got a slightly american accent well has she still got even at year three she's still got a bit of a twang yeah they didn't they thought she nursery the teacher said to me that they thought that she was asking for a party the other day and she was going i want i want a party i want a party and they relayed the story to me and then they realized as she was pissing on the floor that she was saying that she wanted a potty i mean the thing is with your daughter obviously her asking for a party at home

she'd get a party oh yeah I mean we had we had a party at the weekend we had a Mexican themed fiesta oh wow

that's nice I actually really recommend doing this inventing parties to have with the kids yeah I'm a big fan of that do you do it

yeah I invented Lego day and kept on saying it's Lego day in six days and all we did was do a bit of lego and watch the lego film but i delivered the info like it was christmas yeah but what are you getting see mexican fiesta basically i got really excited about it because we're gonna have fajitas and then yeah we just call that tuesday in our house but yeah but then

you get put some music on have a little we had a little dance, did some karaoke. We all got dressed up, not like those Mexican people, just got dressed up. A bit of cultural appropriation. It must be hard to get a sombrero in the middle of Yorkshire in a pandemic. Are they doing them at Tesco? Is that an essential item? Oh God. But it basically just involved me making margaritas and getting quite drunk

and then my husband having to put her to bed and get her up in the morning because I was too hungover. But that's why I really like having parties. How do you split the parenting with your partner? Because you've both got sort of quite strange jobs that aren't sort of regular. You're an actor and is he an air guitar champion? I mean, that's not his job.

I thought he went round the world doing air guitar. I think we've done well, Rob. 26 minutes to not mention that. We both wanted to ask about the air guitar. Well, no, but I thought that was his full-time job, the air guitar. What's his full-time job? Can you imagine? No, he's a documentary producer he works for documents i've spent the last three years thinking you're going out with

a full-time air guitarist jess i mean there was a time when he did actually do that mostly for a living because he wrote a book about it and he was making he was making a documentary about how good is it yeah air guitar oh. Yeah. He's actually... Or just at Life. At Life. Well, we'll take Air Guitar first, but then we'll come to Life afterwards. Because I've always wondered,

is he really good at Air Guitar or are other people just not bothering? Do you know what I mean? I don't know exactly what you mean. It was... I mean, it... The truth is, he... It was in the world... I mean, the documentary is, he was in the world...

I mean, the documentary that was made about him is all about his failing at it. Yeah, but didn't he get to number two in the world? Yeah, he's like the runner-up. He was a runner-up in America, and then he was the runner-up globally. So he's not even the best air guitarist in the world. Oh, OK, so that's not his full-time job. I was mistaken. I'm sorry about that. I'm just saying the gigs must have dried up. I don't know if you can air guitarist in the world. Oh, OK. So that's not his full-time job. I was mistaken.

I'm sorry about that. I just say the gigs must have dried up. I don't know if you can air guitar on Zoom, if there's a market for that. Well, you laugh, but the most recent World Air Guitar Championships did take place over Zoom. And they will...

And he normally hosts them. And I think he is hosting it again over Zoom. Because they're in Finland, of course. Yeah, of course. Good thing about it as well, if your internet's patchy, it doesn't matter if the sound cuts out, does it? You can still shred.

But then if your sound is out of sync with your image, then you're the worst air guitarist there could be, right? Oh my God, yeah. And then you might look stupid. Exactly. Or if it freezes on one massive note, they won't know if you're just like really rinsing it or if it's frozen.

But obviously, whether he's the air guitar champion or not, documentary making and acting are both sort of jobs where you could be doing nothing for a month or away filming and not at home at all. So is it just sort of whatever work comes in you work out the child care yeah I mean I I do do a lot of um screenwriting as well so I'm mainly doing that's what I'm mainly doing in the day but I also uh when I'm filming I just was filming something for a few weeks and yeah I mean he just basically has to deal with it because I can't bring her to set can

I so I mean we did like yeah just sort of leave it up to him and then he just has to work I mean he starts because he's on LA time so he starts most of his work at about eight o'clock at night so when I was filming what he was doing was just looking after and the nursery was closed he was looking after our daughter all day and then starting work at eight o'clock at night. Is he on LA time because of work or he just couldn't be bothered to deal with the jet lag? He should have adapted by now, shouldn't he?

No wonder he lost that tennis match. He was in the middle of the fucking night for it. He's very stubborn. He's a stubborn man. I mean, it's just a lot isn't it being with the same person all the time same two people all the time I mean it has been

in many ways it has been nice I'm just ready to go out again what's your first night out going to be? disappointingly what we're looking at is a meal it's just going to be me and him oh mate mate no no I, it's just going to be me and him. Oh, mate.

Mate. No, no, I mean, it's fine. Middle of May. What have you done today? Nothing again. Oh, look, that waiter. I used to go out with him. I've actually copped off of four of the waiting staff in here.

Enjoy your meal. God, don't. Because we haven't had the full experience of actually going out around town yet. Well, what happens if, because it's quite a small place, if your kid makes friends with your ex's children and then you've got to hang out as parent friends because you don't get to choose who your kids are friends with? No, I mean, it's a very real possibility. But then that is any small town, isn't it?

I just see it as like, you know on Made in Chelsea, where they all just get off with each other and then they're just mates again. And then they'll just like swap. No, I'm not going to do that. It feels like you're going to start some sort of swingers-based society in Yorkshire from the tennis club. Yeah, as I was saying it, I realised that it sounded sounded that way i think there is a bit of that around here

yeah well it's like any it's like any small town isn't it yeah yeah you're right um i don't know anyone that's played tennis with their girlfriend or wife's ex-partner immediately on arrival to a country. I know, it's weird. It is weird, isn't it? Yeah, and it's just going to get weirder. But the good thing is that I can just go... I've got so many good excuses to just go down to London to work and stuff.

So I get to have my own little... I highly recommend living in a town that's quite far away from where you are required to work. I was filming something recently. I was staying in a hotel and it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. What did you do with your evenings? There was one day where I wasn't required.

I didn't even have any filming to do. I just had to wait the day out in a hotel. Oh my God, that must have been amazing. It was absolutely amazing. require i didn't even have any filming to do i just had to wait the day out in a hotel oh my god that must have been amazing it was absolutely amazing how long what's the longest you've been away from your daughter um filming or uh well i was just away for like 10 days actually oh it's quite that's quite a time it was a long time and i did did you miss her i did miss her a lot yeah and she missed me because obviously she gets what she wants when she absolutely couldn't believe what was going on do you have arguments with your partner about parenting and things that you've given or her or not done or

you know yeah i mean yeah we were we're. We're always arguing about ways of doing things. I mean, mostly it is just like, I, he gets upset that I give her whatever she wants, but then he, he succumbs. She woke us up the other day because she couldn't find, I mean, the waking up thing is just ridiculous at the moment. Like there's no need for her to wake us up in the morning like she can just play on her own what time is she waking up sometimes it's half five it's usually it's usually six but i i really do think she can just get herself out of bed and

play with her paw patrol thing and And do you tell her that? Yeah. I've lost the ability to. We had the moon and the sun thing. Oh, right. You know, have you got one of those moon and sun machines? The sleep clock thing. So it tells her when it's night and when it's day.

Yeah, clocky, clocky. Clocky, yeah. Clocky. And then I went up and one day and it was the moon and she was like is it all right and i couldn't go no see you in 20 minutes bye well no but it wouldn't work if you did anyway would it no exactly it wouldn't have worked anyway but now i've seen that moon every morning for the last four weeks i reckon oh yeah just though we just tell them to go back to bed well we used to say no wait till the the sun comes up and they did go back to bed but now they've learned how to make it go into the sun oh they've tricked it

yeah no i mean the sun is never up on clocky in our house okay that's what we're aiming for in life but she like she came into our room this morning and she she was like i I can't. We told her, go and play. And she was like, I can't. I need my other cone. What's a cone? A little traffic cone that she was playing with. It's like so specific. It's always like something so weird and specific, isn't it? That they really, really need.

Yeah. So we had to go. That was the thing that got us out of bed, was going to look for the other cone. I'll be honest with you. I think they know that, mate. That's was going to look for the other cone i'll be honest with you i think i think they know that mate that's what happens to me yeah when i'm looking for something that i know i i know i'm not going to find and i know if i fail to find it it's going to absolutely kick off yeah i'd say that is the unhappiest i ever am and i'm just delaying the inevitable while we're looking for this glitter that's in this drawer

that I know isn't in the drawer. You'll soon find the glitter once I've used it absolutely everywhere. Glitter can fucking do one. Glitter really can fuck off. I'll tell you what I have seen an adult do before. We went to look at a few houses in South East London

and some people have diamantes on the wallpaper. Oh's classy have you ever seen that oh that's tasteful little gems like a like a vajazzle but on your walls and does that add to the value of the house rob Rob? To a certain demographic. Did you say, do I get to keep the wallpaper? But that is the house of a bloke who does not give a shit about what it looks like on the inside,

isn't it? If you've allowed a diamante wallpaper. Yeah, I mean, you're either cheating or you're an absolute walkover. You're having an affair. That's the sign

that you're having an affair. Yeah, of course, love. Yeah, if you want. Yeah, wherever you want. Don't worry. Yeah, it's fine. Just take it out of the joint account. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about me. You're just walking into the house going, oh, diamante wallpaper. Is he having an affair? Almost definitely. Oh, some flowers have arrived for no reason.

Oh, I wonder what he's up to. Working late again. The wallpaper shop when they get the call from the wife ordering the Diamante wallpaper thinking the poor woman doesn't even know. You and your husband going to come down to pick it up? Oh no, he's on a business trip, is he?

Of course he is. How many bedrooms are we doing? Four? Okay. Get the Diamantes out. The divorcee to be Diamante order is in. Yeah. Poor cow doesn't even know it's coming. Oh, boy.

We do a thing on the show called Crosby's Law where there's something that annoys you about the way your partner parents, but you can't really bring it up in case there's a massive row. Is there something that annoys you about the way your partner parents, that you would like to say on here just to get out into the open? Oh, wow. That's good, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, I'm already noticing that he, because he's quite like, because of his sort of LA therapy, he sort of, of i suppose he's very good at talking about emotions in a way in that like he'll say when something has upset him and it but he'll say it like in a sort of sensible way like that actually is quite hurtful when you say things like this instead of like getting annoyed and like throwing throwing something which is what I do. So what will he say? I just say, you know, like, well, have an argument and I'll storm off or whatever. And then he'll come over and say,

by the way, when you said that thing, it was quite upsetting. And I'll just be like, oh, for fuck's sake. It annoys me. It doesn't sound like a parenting problem. It sounds like you're in trouble with your husband. The reason it affects us as parents is because my daughter now thinks

that she can say at any time, that hurt my feelings. So basically, if I do actually do some real parenting and ask her to do something obviously this is probably now I'm saying it out loud making me realize that it's my fault but if I say like you know I'm going to turn the tv off and I turn it off then she cries and says that hurt my feelings and it's like that's not yeah but that's not and then she'll go off and cry and have a sort of sulk about it it's like what i've done to you isn't a thing that's hurt your feelings and having

to explain to her there's a difference between me hurting your feelings and you just not being allowed to watch television is my husband's fault yes fair enough your husband is is too emotionally um he's too emotionally intelligent yeah and so she's got all this language around emotions now that makes it so that she can just sort of uh manipulate me yes fair enough you need a good old- British suppression of emotions. Yes. Thank you, Josh. Yeah. And hopefully in Yorkshire you'll get that. Oh, I think so. Are you being sarcastic?

Do you think Yorkshire people are... I actually don't think Yorkshire people are repressed. I think they're quite fiery, but quite stiff upper lip. Do you? Yeah. Don't you think? There's a toughness to Yorkshire, people from Yorkshire. It's tough, yeah. There's only one emotion that's allowed and that is anger, I would say. And pride.

Yeah. Yorkshire. And just, innit? Yorkshire bank. Help. Yorkshire. I forgot you did that voiceover Rob. That was a really good job you had. I can do a great Yorkshire. It was good, that, Rob. Say some more things in your Yorkshire accent. It's really impressive. Was that a good one?

Yeah, it was good. Yorkshire bank. I can't do it now. You've put me under pressure. Oh, sorry. So I've got two mates from Yorkshire, Dom and Tom, who did a Bradford Bantams podcast. And I hang about with them when I go up to Yorkshire quite a lot.

So I pick it up off them. But yeah, but it's a trustworthy accent. But I i can imagine like this and i i don't think they're actually i think they're emotionally repressed as a group yorkshire men in particular but on their own there's a sort of humble pride to be in from yorkshire that will like evoke a tear as they look over the dales and i can just imagine the yorkshire bank advert they just pan out on a drone and there's an old man that's sort of his, you know, assets to his family. Yeah. Yorkshire Bank.

But it's undercut. He's looking at it and he's thinking it's absolutely beautiful and there's a tear. But then he goes, not bad, that. Yeah, not bad. Because he can't say it's beautiful. Great bank, great people, great county, Yorkshire. Lovely, Rob. You've absolutely nailed it.

I've nailed that, haven't I? Yeah, I'll take that. You sound like my ex-boyfriend. Do you play tennis? Jess, thank you so much. It's been great. I really appreciate you coming on the show. It's been an absolute pleasure.

I'll be honest with you. I thought three minutes into this, there's no way the internet's going to hold for the full interview. But it's absolutely done it. Yorkshire broadband. Great connection. Great ping, Yorkshire. Thanks, Jess.

Thanks for having me. Cheers, bye. Brilliant. Thanks, mate. Bye. Jessica Knappett. I never No, brilliant. Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye. Jess Icker-Nappet. I never know if it's Jess or Jessica. You panicked.

You really panicked. You robot panicked. Jess Icker-Nappet. Sounds like a pirate radio station. She has had a busy couple of years. LA to Yorkshire. Then she was in a little cottage. Arrived back in the UK.

Couldn't stay at her mum's. And now they've bought somewhere. That's a pretty full-on couple of years isn't it it's a full-on way to live the lockdown isn't it because I've lived the lockdown in a complete kind of stasis I suppose my life isn't any different to the start of it really stasis is that that's a good word a stasis yeah is that the right use of that word I said it and then I thought like like kind of suspended situation oh yeah I don't know I'm it and then I thought like, like a kind of suspended situation. Oh. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm learning, aren't I? That's why some people think I'm thick. I don't know if you're learning from the right person, Rob. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Because some people think I'm a bit thick because I will ask that, like on telly, where a lot of people would pretend to know what someone else was saying. Yeah.

So what may sound like... I've been on QI. Oh, exactly. But then I'm learning, aren't I then? Yeah. I still haven't been on QI. They don't want me do you know what Rob do you know what

what I don't know if you'd love it well why wouldn't I like it because they get to the end of the recording and they say you've said the word stiff neck

48 times and then they keep buzzing me for obvious answers and then they and then someone says something else and they go

do you know what that isn't interesting never mind quiet that's just true anyway i won't keep getting booked on it now will i oh i don't know if they listen to our podcast i don't know i can't imagine so not this point they've all tapped out by now they've all tapped out is it is something do you listen to the bit after the interview do email in if you listen to the bit after the interview

I could really knock this bit on the head our reaction what are we saying because we've decided to do it but we don't no one cares at this point

you've all tapped out it's just us rambling and all we go is oh they were nice it's a weird bit we do because if I was interviewed and then they said,

also, we've done two minutes at the end where we talk about you once you've gone. What? That's not how it works, is it? And then what we do is we finish this recording and then I message Josh

what I really think. Anyway, Jess Knappett, what an absolute wanker. Cheers, guys. Jess is lovely. We all like Jess. Right, speak to you later. Bye. Bye-bye. Cheers, guys. No, Jess is lovely. We all like Jess. Right, speak to you later. Bye.

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.