Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP24: "H from Steps and the cockatoo..."

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP24: H from Steps and the cockatoo...More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Josh Whittacombe. Josh Whittacombe. Say Rob Beckett. Rug Fungle.

Rug Fungle. Rug Fungle. Rug Fungle. Nothing else, just a bit of Rug Fungle. A dog a dog rug fungal and what sounded like kerry godleman playing a little cockney character so this is my son albert great name albert he is three years old uh from mia fam in kent do you know that rob mia fam no but it sounds like somewhere that's fairly nondescript in Kent, so that's why they've gone heavy on the estuary, South East London, East London accent.

Yeah. How are you spelling that? M-E-O-P-H-A-M. Oh, Mepham! Mepham! Fucking Mepham, mate! Mia Fam, you fucking stiff-necked dick! I'm sorry, I don't know the exact pronunciation of every place in Kent.

You sound like an American, like Edinburgh in Birmingham, Alabama, Meppam, the graves end. You've, you've probably driven through it on the way to the gig. Meppam.

Yeah. Population 9,500. That was in 2011. People have been fucking probably more. The parish covers 615 square miles. Albert wasn't on that list so that's one.

No. That's one extra, isn't it? Yeah, Meppham. It's near Gravesend. I know Meppham, mate. Nice. It's all right, actually. Nice little village.

Chatham's a bit lively. I wouldn't go there but no, Meppham's nice. So that was Albert and their Whippet Macy. Oh, a Whippet. This is old school, isn't it? Meppham's nice. So that was Albert and their Whippet Macy. Oh, a Whippet. This is old school, isn't it? Meppham's like the 1970s.

He's a handful and I'm tired, she says. That's Steph Franz. Great surname, Franz. Steph Franz. R-F-R-A-N-S. No, Zed, like Franz Ferdinand. Oh, what a name. Steph Franz.

Great name. Feels like a German spy that just settled in Mia Pan. And that's how they give it away, because they'd say Mia Fan rather than Mepham. Exactly. Josh, I've got a confession. I'm slightly hungover. Oh, no, Rob. I'm parent hungover, though.

If I didn't have children, I would be absolutely fine. But when they woke you up at six, wanting stuff, you're just a bit foggy. But don't worry. I've got, did you drink? Um, I'm still on keto and I, so I've been drinking scotch and Coke zero, like a mad divorcee.

Oh, wow. Scotch and Coke is a hero. I've been on the old Chivas. I've been, I've been playing war zone and drinking it on my computer. And I, it's quite tragic,

really. I sort of, cause when I'm in playing war zone tragic really i sort of because when i'm in playing war zone it is sort of like what would happen if lou left me i'd just do that for hours and i actually now you'd be on the keto because obviously you'd be going back on the you know meat isn't it to be feel manly again yeah um well i get the coke zero can i drink some of it and then i pour the scotch directly into the can oh wow why is that save on washing up it's can't be bothered to get a glass i sort of quite like

the tragedy of it has she left you i'll be honest um well i don't know not yet but you know lockdown is getting lifted we'll see let's see what happens after easter because i tell you what parenting's hard in easter isn't it they're always there they're just always in your house i'll be honest i've been filming all week and the guilt is yes you so you've been you didn't know that your daughter was off you thought the nursery run all year but they're off for easter and i've been away filming every day you normally only do friday nights don't you also i need to before we properly crack on here josh i've got loads to talk about my children but i got a little cough i've not got covid i've had a test negative test it's basically

driving it was a little driving just turned up down around the corner quick up the nose in the throat bob's your uncle nothing wrong nice to get out of the house nice to get out of the house but i am i do i'm a bit coffee but it's a it's not a dry cough it's a wet cough combined with severe hay fever because i don't know if there's any hay fever guys out there there's been some the hay fever the last few weeks has been outrageous and i found out why basically when the weather goes from hot to cold which you've had we've had snow we've had sunburn faces the pollen panics josh the pollen panic it panics and releases because it thinks it's winter again get it out so your nose is like's get this pollen moving so your nose is like fucking hell what's going on here your chest gets involved before you know it you've got guardian

squint eye and you're sneezing and coughing everywhere and everyone thinks you're vidded up but i ain't got it i'm clean people do you know what i like about this podcast you're learning as well we're learning pollen panics who knew i know do you want some more learning do you want a quick bit of learning rob yeah load me up with uh this is from annie frith wet cardboard isn't recyclable oh fuck off annie frith all right i don't care anymore what do you mean it's not recyclable it clogs up the wet mashing machines the wet mashing machine so it's going to get wet and mashed anyway don't take this up with with me. Look, I'm fucking sick of this, Josh.

I try my best every week to do the recycling. Sundays, I separate it all. You separate it between your 14 bins? I've got 14 bins and they're going. Sometimes I swear the bin men, and I'd say bin men, bin,

well, bin person. I've never seen a female bin person. It can't say bin man. Can you say bin man? Am I going to get cancelled for this? You know what? I think you'd have got away with it

if you hadn't drawn attention to it. Right. When the bin people come, sometimes I don't always put it in the recycling thing. The bin people sounds like a children's story, doesn't it? The bin people,

like they come out of the bin. No, these are the people employed by the council. Right. It feels like I'm going to come on this show and go, I've just watched 14 episodes of the bin people so fucking bored of watching the bin people do you know what my mob do my council do i have to because the little black box they give me so small and i

can't get the cardboard in here i have to put it in a big bin yeah but they won't allow the cardboard to be put in a big bin that clips onto the bin lorry i have to put it in plastic bags so i'm going to put cardboard in plastic bags to recycle fuck knows what's going on down the recycling plant josh but if i can't give them wet cardboard what can i do i'm sick of it it's too hard to be good i'm with annie oh of course you are i'm trying my best did you i've stopped burning tires in my garden after listening to Greta Thunberg. She turned me off of that.

I'm trying. I've not, I've not set fire to a fridge for about two or three months now. Well, we will come to, we will come to fridges. Sorry for telling Annie to fuck off.

I apologize, Annie, because you've only given us nice information. You were learning me, but I apologize for that. But I just, I'm just sick of it, Josh. I'm trying. You wouldn't've only given us nice information. You were learning me. But I apologise for that. But I'm just sick of it, Josh. I'm trying. You wouldn't apologise if you knew her views on reality TV, Rob.

Does she not like... She's agreed with me on I'm a celebrity, Rob. Well, that explains it, doesn't it? Anyone that knows that wet cardboard cannot be recyclable is not watching enough telly. They're doing too much reading. They're finding out too much stuff. This is the problem with stiff necks. You find out too

much stuff and it makes you worry. Ignorance is bliss. We're not here for a long time. Don't get worried about it. The way I look at the world, I know climate change is bad, but we're fucked. We're not here for a long time if you keep giving wet cardboard to the council, Rob. We've got to stop trying to save the world, Josh. It's dying, right? The world's dying. Let's just rag it like an old fiesta let's just fucking rinse it and just enjoy ourselves on the way to the scrapyard that's my that's not my approach i'm still trying to save the planet but it's hard and part of me just wants to rag it home to the scrapyard but we can't can we ask a question rob can i ask a question rob yeah go talk about reality

what she said about reality how many whiskeys did you have last night, Rob? I had a lot of whiskey, mate. Really wild. Whiskey really helps. Yeah, it does feel like that, mate. If you haven't got an opinion, have a whiskey. It really helps. I'm chivvazzed up, ready to go. How many coffees you had this morning, Rob?

Well, one big one and a bowl of strawberries. And I've not had that much sugar for ages. Strawberries and yogurt with a little bit of sugar-free maple syrup and a tiny bit of granola. Keto-friendly. I'm raring to go for the day, Josh. I want to know how your parenting's been this week, Rob. Well, first of all, before we get to that,

I've got another thing to bring up, Josh. The reality TV thing's kicked off. I've had... Oh, I thought we were going to come to it. Well, we have to get it done early before we talk about parenting. I've had at least 10 text messages about the fact that you don't know anything about

I'm a celebrity and people just cannot get their head around it. So you have never watched an episode? No, that's not true. No, I watched it when Joel was in it, obviously,

because I'm friends with Joel. Oh, because you want to see Joel. Yeah. So if I say to you, I'm going to watch Gillian McKee fainting. Well, ah, now. You know that one?

I'll tell you why I know that one because i listened to a podcast in which louis theroux interviewed rylan and louis theroux uh said that he'd been researching rylan and rylan had said that was his top reality moment oh yeah and so louis theroux talked to him about it that was the first i'd heard of julian mckeith fainting okay louis theroux said it was it's quite shocking but rylan said you need the context of Julian McKeith being kind of awful before it. Oh, yeah, that's hilarious. She fake faints to get out of doing a task.

Amazing. It's brilliant. Gino Di Campo rat. Do you know about this? Are you making... Why don't you put some false ones in, Rob, and see whether I could... Okay, well, Gino Di Campo rat's a real one. Do you know that one? Okay. No, I don't know Gino Di Campo rat., and see whether I could... Okay, well, Gino De Campo rats are real ones.

Do you know that one? Okay. No, I don't know Gino De Campo rats. Basically, they didn't get enough food for camp, so he found a rat that was running around the set and killed it and cooked it. No. Yeah. Oh, my God.

And did they eat it? Yeah, I think they did. Yeah, they were starving hungry. Wow. Paul Burrell's scream. Yeah, so I know that. I know that Paul Burrell, because that was a big deal, Paul Burrell. Yeahream yeah so I know that I know that Paul Burrell because that was a big deal Paul Burrell

yeah that was that was a huge Hatred from Steps and The Cockatoo no that's not true I've made that one up yeah Amir Khan and the Strawberries

now I know Amir Khan did it because he did the same one as Shappi didn't he yeah and you watch that you only watch it

when a comedian's on it okay so you've seen a bit of it so you're not too out the loop but just no Fatima Whitbread nose you didn't get. Well, I've got some info on Fatima Whitbread nose, Rob. Yeah, great. Okay, listening to series two, episode 21, about Fatima Whitbread's nostril cockroach.

And I thought you'd like this story. This is from Elizabeth Kane. I used to work in a hairdresser's where Fatima Whitbread would get her hair cut. I don't know why it's funny, Fatima Whitbread getting her hair cut, but it is, isn't it? When she came out of the jungle, she brought in the cockroach that had been lodged in her nose during the iconic TV moment. It was amazing. I mean, I'm a big reality TV fan, but I don't need to see it in a jar. She takes it with her.

This woman's won gold medals, hasn't she? Yeah. Yeah. No, but she turns up with a cockroach. She don't leave the medals at home, but it's my cockroach.

Imagine going, I'm just going to nip to the hairdresser's. I should bring the cockroach. It must be awkward though. Does she know that they, because the thing is, I'd think everyone would know that reference, but she must go to some hairdressers and be like,

Oh, I've got it with me. And if they're like you, they'll be like, I've got no idea why she's got a cockroach in her jar. She hasn't brought it. She doesn't want that style, does she? Is that why she's brought it? She wants me to go for that style?

Just short round the back and sides and durable, please, like this little guy. So do you know what, Rob? I was thinking about reality TV. Yeah. And I loved the first four series of Big Brother. Yeah, Big Brother's great. That's very you.

In fact, the other day when I was bored, I, on my own, worked out that I could name every member of Big Brother one in the order they are evicted. Wow. That is unbelievable. That's a total waste of time. No, I think that could be... I think we should go Vegas.

I could take you with me. You could help me out. Remembering the order of stuff. That's got to be helpful somewhere, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. As long as it's real. And I loved Will Young versus Gareth Gates. I enjoyed that.

Yeah, that was good. That was good. Oh, yeah, so it's a bit. Fair enough. So what is it? As you've got older, you've just sort of... You've grown out of it. I've just lost touch, Rob. I've just lost touch.

You know, you're not really in with TikTok anymore. You don't know... I never was, Rob. I never was. Olly Ball. That doesn't ring any bells to you, does it, Olly Ball? I don't... No.

Olly Ball. No, that little catchphrase? No. One of those famous... No. I know Bobby Ball. It's not him. It's not him.

Right. How was your parenting week, Josh? What's that? You've been working all week. You've not seen... He's been working all week. Oh, interesting parenting moment, Rob. Yes. My daughter woke up at 3am having had a nightmare.

Oh, no. My daughter had that as well, but was shaking with fear. It's grim, isn't it? Yeah, and how did you set... Did you have to get him to bed with her and settle her or anything or what well we got her into our bed for the first time ever oh we've done it a couple of times when she was ill back in the day we'd go on the floor of her room when she was in the old bed but this she came into our bed she slept in our bed in the middle from 3 a.m and i know you're not you're told not to do stuff like that aren't you Rob it'll set a precedent

I loved it Rob well that's the thing it is nice when they're there and they're cute in the morning and stuff but you just don't want them being 9 and doing it when there's people that go like oh yeah they slept in bed with me until I was about 13 imagine having pubes and sleeping in your mum's bed Jesus Christ

do you know what I mean it's like pubed up. Jesus Christ. Do you know what I mean? It's like, oh, there you are, pubed up geezer next to you. You know? But it was lovely.

And it did make me go, God, I've been like, so, you know, these kind of parenting rules that you're like, you simply can't, you know what I mean? Like.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's fine that everything, in moderation, isn't it? And if she's not well or upset, that's fine. Like when, when my three-year-old was upset, Lou got in bed with her and it's fine that everything, in moderation, isn't it? And if she's not well or upset, that's fine. Like, when my three-year-old was upset,

Lou got in bed with her and stayed there for an hour or so until she told Lou to get out of her bed, which was quite funny, about an hour later. I'm like, go back to your bed, Mum. There's no room. But you have all these set rules. Yeah. Now, obviously, there but for the grace of God,

I don't want to be Tom Parry, Rob. Oh, no, the amount of people that ask me if Tom Perry's okay because of his schedule. And all they say is, I can't believe you're so happy about it. He almost felt giddy. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And I think why I think it's such a good podcast is because every parent had that moment where at the time you think what you're doing is absolutely fine, but you look back and go,

oh my God, I cannot believe that was my life for about four weeks. Yeah. is absolutely fine but you look back and go oh my god i cannot believe that was my life for about four weeks yeah uh i've seen i've since seen tom because i visited him in exeter uh when i was working there so they've moved out of the of his mother-in-law's house they've got their own house yeah he's no longer staying up all night with the baby on him okay so i was in his garden and he pointed through the kitchen window yeah to his office and it was the cupboard under the stairs. So he was working. A bit like Harry Potter.

Yeah, yeah. And Tom Barry's a big man. He's a big man. 6'2", 6'3", but solidly built, like a rugby player, isn't he? Yeah, exactly. Under the stairs. And he said, and I'm sure you've had this, Rob, this thing where, you know when you're working from home and you think, I can't go down and make a cup of tea

because I'll get caught. Yeah. I mean, he's got that, but he's under the stairs. So he's under the stairs. Trying to work. Trying to work, thinking, I can't leave under the stairs. He'll love it, though. You could invite him around for dinner and give him a bowl of dog shit

and he'll go, oh, lovely, Rob. Thank you very much. Very kind of you. Such a positive person. Gobble it up. Oh, yeah. Got any more of this? That was great.

I've never had anything like that before. Thanks, Rob. Oh, that's good that he's in a slightly better schedule because that was not a long-term policy. For those who... Go back and listen to it if you've not listened to it. He basically stayed up all night, didn't he, with a baby on him.

Yeah. Yeah, it's one of our best episodes in many ways. How's your parenting been, Rob? Parenting? Well, it's one it's one of our best episodes in many ways uh how's your parenting been rob uh parenting well it's been pretty good actually we sent the the eldest to super camp in easter so basically we um because she's not really had much chance to socialize with her new school friends because she's either at school or at home and because of lockdown they can't really see each other so we put them in put her into super camp for three days over the easter holiday so that she could just play with them.

There was a few of her friends, because all kids from different schools and different ages go, but she had a few of her classmates going. And what happens in Supercamp? How is Tom Allen? Supercamp, they all come out in feather boas and just sort of just slay. Do you know what I mean?

They just come out and just slay. They don't take no shit. She's been a lot more catty since she got back hasn't she the eye roll is on point the whole afternoon

on eye roll super cat so they basically go in like groups of like five or six I think and there's like a person that leads

that group all of the same age and they do like Lego or plays and sports all different fun stuff so there's no real

like educational stuff it's more fun so I think it's all like Ofsted and they're all CR fun stuff. So there's no real educational stuff. It's more fun. So I think it's all at Ofsted and they're all CRB'd up. Everything's learning at that age, Rob. Everything's learning, but it's a bit more relaxed and they can wear their own clothes. The only thing was we didn't have a packed lunchbox for her because she gets school lunches,

so she doesn't have to take a packed lunchbox to school. But we had to make her a packed lunch, so we had nothing for her to take. So I was panicked. So I found, I bought a lunchbox from Costco. It was about 25 quid, but it's like, you could put a leg of lamb in there and it wouldn't defrost, right, for five days.

It is the coldest, like it's, it's like a trucker's, a long distance lorry driver's lunchbox, yeah. And it's gray and black and it's got zips and you put these freezer things in it. Would she not have wanted just something with a a picture of Peppa Pig on it? Yeah, I'm sure she would. But this was 11pm when we remembered she needed a fucking lunchbox. So I'll send you a photo of what I had to do.

So I gave her this lorry driver lunchbox, but we had some Lego key rings left from when we went Legoland. Oh, nice. So I attached them to the lunchbox as a pathetic attempt to try and make it look like a fun lunchbox. You're such a good dad. Look at this thing. It's called Titan Deep Freeze.

And it's got a watermelon head Lego man. And I'll put it on Instagram. Oh, my God. That is the bleakest thing. It was so heavy. And then when she got back from school, I said, how was your lunch? And she went, my sandwich was so cold.

How is it making it colder? This product, if you want a cold lunch, Jesus Christ. I don't know where you need to be going to keep it that cold. Also, it was on the day that it snowed a bit, and I was like, oh, poor lunch. What was in the sandwich, Rob?

Just a ham sandwich, mate. Just a ham sandwich. But I tried to make it more Lego, but all the other kids had like sparkly unicorn ones and all that. But she was good at, oh, I was like, oh, no. And then I was like, did you like your lunchbox? She went, no, it's ugly and so big. She was like dragging her down. And there we'll go. And look at the celebrity with his did you like your lunchbox? She went, no, it's ugly and so big. She was like dragging her down.

And there we'll go. And look at the celebrity with his tight and deep freeze lunchbox. He won't have a normal lunchbox like the rest of us, will he? Coming over here with his cold sandwiches. I won't eat a hot sandwich, will he? Daughter of a celeb. But yeah, so anyway, we had to go to like Sangeries to buy it. Because, you know, shops are only open for essential items.

So we went to Sangeries to buy a unicorn lunchbox at the end, which she got. But yeah, that was, you know, that panic late at night. We was like, shit, we've got, she's got a lunchbox. And I didn't want to give it to her in a plastic bag anyway. But yeah, so that was quite funny. And I've got a new game I play game i play with uh the girls oh yeah when uh they want an ice cream yeah lou does this role play thing with the girls where she goes coming to mommy's ice cream shop it sounds sounds rude but when i've said it like that it's not um she where she

goes to the freezer and says who would like an ice cream and then she goes right would you like one from that drawer that drawer how much money have got? And does a bit of maths with them. So she says, it's £15 for an ice cream. How much have you got? And they go, 20. She's absolutely cleaning up. She's marked that ice cream right up. I know. It's ridiculous.

It's like being in Norway. It's absolute joke. So then she goes, right, how much have you got? And it's 20. And then they work out what the change is. So she tries to do it educationally, right? So then she's got a bit bored of doing it though, because she does it, they love it.

She has to do it all the time. So she went, well, let dad do it. So I did it and I thought, I'll just do it badly so that I don't have to do it again. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, the classic. So I went in for that angry ice cream man. Well, what do you want?

Come here, you want ice cream? Hurry up, hurry up, get out, like that. They absolutely love it, Josh. I am, it do you want? Come here, you want ice cream? Hurry up, hurry up, get out, like that. They absolutely love it, Josh. I am. It's quite cathartic because I am being horrible. I'm just shouting at my kids, get out, hurry up. And then I open the ice cream and lick it all and then give it to them like a lubricant that runs the shop.

Lovely, really good. They love it. But now I'm like, come here, get away. Who's got my ice cream? Leave. What I love, Rob, about you is your range. they love it but now I'm like come here get away who's got my ice cream leave what I love Rob about you is your range

I know I'm just but I'm like this is at the start I was like I felt mean for doing it but they are just like

ha ha ha because they're like they know it's safe because obviously I'm their dad and I'm not horrible but they think it's so funny that I'm being mean

brilliant but to the point now where it's quite a good way to release energy yeah because when they're frustrating you i can just go i'll just say who wants an ice cream and i shout at them and i get it out and they love it little shit yeah exactly everyone try this at home and let us know if it goes really badly that's what i want to know it's hard to role play angry but not swear because most people of course

if you're gonna get out my shot fuck you you want to be swearing but you can't do that so i'm so i sort of like panic improvised i was like get leave off you little rat you can't call your kid a little rat can you it's like an episode of the bill yeah you know oh you oh you you silly boy get out of here you absolute knucklehead leave off copper so on that maths thing rob that lee does with her kids when we were about my dad would be about 10 or 11 or whatever we'd go on holiday right a similar but much higher stakes thing that my dad would do with us so we'd go to a cafe you know the cafe you have to go up and tell them what you've had and then you'll pay at the end, right? Yeah.

So he'd look at more or less what we'd had and then he'd go, I reckon it's about 20 quid. I'm going to give you 20 quid. Who wants 20 quid? You go up and pay. If it's less, you can keep the difference. If it's more, you've got to pay the difference.

Oh, so you've got a bit of pocket money at that age type of thing. Yeah. So it's a very exciting've got to pay the difference. Oh, so you've got a bit of pocket money at that age type of thing. Yeah. So it's a very exciting game, Rob. Yeah. Do you take the gamble? Also, as well, it's good to be good at maths because... Exactly.

Because then you can earn. Because if you're not good at maths, it's just a 50-50, isn't it? Exactly. But also, you always knew he was never going to make you pay the difference. Oh. Really? Yeah. Do you know what?

He never went through with the punishment. That was the problem, Rob. That was the problem. But it was a very exciting game. Well, my dad always used to forget his wallet. If my mum wasn't there, he used to leave the house like the queen. He'd never have his wallet on. And my mum always was in charge of the money.

I remember once my dad took us to the cinema when I was about 15, 16. Yeah. And he didn't have any money. So what did you do? Well, I think I was working at a savings. So I just paid. Yeah. I was like like i'm paying

for my dad i'm 16 i should be paying for my dad to go to the cinema but then when we got home he gave me the money obviously but i'm at the time and also was only ever allowed to go on a tuesday no to be fair that is unfair we did go other times but he used to love taking us on a tuesday afternoon to bexley eve because it was like three quid each it was a cheap day but we did go other times i'm not i'm not having to go my here because they do listen in bed weirdly um but I remember that moment where he just didn't have his wallet on him I was like all right okay well just I'll just pay that tomorrow I did that this week Rob I had a nightmare well not a nightmare no wallet I did when was the last I'd never have cash do you ever have cash well there's a there's a kebab shop near

me that only takes cash which i find so annoying yeah like come on who's only taking cash that's the wrong way around to do it i know and then i know he's got a card machine underneath the thing and then sometimes he lets me pay card and then sometimes he's like no cash only i'm like what's going on here mate he's filing his accounts he sold three kebabs all year exactly three keb kebabs. But yeah, for some reason, 20 people queuing up outside to share them. Yeah. So I borrowed 20 quid off the researcher on this show. Oh, that's a low moment.

Well, I didn't know what to do. I needed to buy something. Okay, you needed to buy something. So you had no money on you at all? No money. I was in a village. I had no money. Where was your wallet?

No card? Who just needs cash? It was a... Well, you're not going to believe what it was rob what was it what'd you buy me it was a um it was this sounds so lame it was a commemorative mug from a church that we were filming in oh come on mate josh mate you're not 40 yet like i'm close you're a mug away i'm a mug a commemorative mug from a church okay but did you want the mug or did you do it because you're the bloke off the telly and you're

in the church and you feel like you had to do something i did i did want the mug because the mug has i just gave you an opportunity to get out of this no i don't want what if the church warden's listening rob they don't have't have podcasts, mate, do they? Does God listen to podcasts? There's no rule in the Bible against podcasts. All I'm saying is if you listen back to this, you know, in reverse, there's some really dodgy messages from Satan. But do do that because it still counts as a listen.

Yeah, exactly. It still counts as a listen. It doesn't take it off, does it? Like reversing a car takes off the miles it's not like that anyway so you got the mug you got you had to borrow 20 quid for a mug was it 20 quid for the mug or was it like donation for a mug uh well i thought i'll give them the the 20 quid well yeah it's not your money it's not my money and then the producer texted me the day before the final day i was like just to remind you you haven't paid back that 20 quid oh my god

that is an awful awful text message yeah how many days had it been it had only been two days oh tell that producer to get his fucking nose out I suppose they'd probably

protect you well no because it was the last day wasn't it oh so you're not going to see him oh yeah because you may have forgot and you don't want to

send 20 quid in the post like a nan gave him the 20 quid back and I was honest. I said, I'll be honest. I've been reminded about this. And he looked disappointed. He said, I was sitting on a really good anecdote there if you hadn't paid me back.

That's the thing. The anecdote is better than the money. The anecdote is better than the money. We could have both won. Who have you met in telly that's a wanker? Well. I wouldn't call him a wanker. Oh, he had a salty story and a half he was sitting on.

Oh, absolute mug full of salt. Mug full of commemorative church salt. Holy salt, that would have been. Holy salt. Holy salt. What I want you to do, Rob, is when we're both back in our normal jobs of being on TV, the first one that can get the phrase holy salt into a TV show as a kind of holy salt.

Well, next time I come on Last Leg, we need to have a competition who can say it the most. Okay. Not the first. Not the first, the most. But if you get called out on it, it's over. Yeah. Okay. That's what's going to happen next series. series right or we do a double interview on something yeah lorraine absolutely sort her off a poor old

lorraine she's gonna get seasoned mate do you want rob yeah uh now last week you told us about your oregano oh my old oregano yeah old oregano from 2011 yeah i asked for some old things we have got some astonishing emails rob what of old stuff they found in cupboards yeah because that chocolate wasn't it the present you was gonna send for christmas 2018 from us from 2016 the chocolate went off in march 2016 okay what we got okay rob, Rob, I'm going to send you this image first. You can see that? Here we go. Yes, it's Superfood's natural almond essential oil, is it?

Is it not oil? It's almond essence for baking. Almond essence. Okay, for baking. Yeah, what are we talking? I don't have kids yet and I'm only 23. However, enjoy listening to both of your stories of parenting trials and tribulations.

Amidst the recent Easter baking, we discovered that my mum has some almond essence in the cupboard with the best before date of 1995. Jesus! Which was before I was born. Oh my god, that's like an antique.

It looks old as well, doesn't it? It does. We later found out that this is the same almond essence she's been using for all her almond flavoured bakes since. No. Yeah. Her cakes taste like the 90s. Yeah. I love it,

Rob. I bloody love it. Okay. 95. That's so funny. What's the feature? So this is from... How the fuck are we managing to do this as a feature

on a parenting podcast? I'm not going to lie, Rob, it's going to run more than one week the way it's going. The irony is this feature will become out of date and we will carry on. Rob's 2011 Oregano. Well, I think I can safely say my mum and dad can beat that.

They're currently having their kitchen refurbished again in the house they moved into in 1998 my dad decided it was time for a cupboard clean out he sent me some pictures of a couple of items first we have red colored quick gel mix which is jelly best before date may 1999 it was actually after 95 vanilla essence doesn't feel that bad, does it, Rob? Well, the thing is, you've got to escalate up. Yeah, well... You've slightly...

We should have gone jelly then, haven't we? Well, have I? Because they found a second item. Okay, sorry to judge. Sorry to... If you'd like to just read out this item. Okay, we have got... Oh, so Sainsbury's Red Quick Setting Gel Mix,

June 1993. It, June 1993. It's June 1993. And it's still got like pre, is that like pre-European Union measurements? It's now come back in because it's post-Brexit, pre-Brexit. Look at that. Look at that. So also, I'm 41. Why is it not called jelly?

Red quick setting gel mix. What the fuck is that? What was going on in the 90s? I'm sure it was called Jelly when I was a kid, wasn't it? I'm 41, meaning I was 14 when the gel mix went out of date. Because I've never seen it before. They've got two different gel mixes. Simon adds, as mentioned previously, we moved into the house in 1998.

So the gel mix was five years out of date when it was packed for the move. I just got a vision of an early 90s mum with massive hair, big bright-headed jeans. Should we pop the jelly in? We like jelly, don't we? Yeah. Pop it in. Jelly doesn't go off. Jelly takes ages to go off. It's just

sugar, isn't it yeah I think that's alright I mean I can't I can't endorse that obviously I'd eat it my dad would eat it

my dad takes pride in eating out of date stuff to show how strong his gut is yeah totally wow this is an email email title

that maybe you wouldn't want to google 25 year old Baps it's a bit of harmless fun that kind of humour isn't it Rob could have been Maybe you wouldn't want to Google. 25-year-old BAPS. It's a bit of harmless fun, that kind of humour, isn't it, Rob? Could have been a worse number before that. Yeah, exactly. Me and my wife bought a chest freezer from Facebook Marketplace from an older gent in the village.

Oh, I just, a chest freezer, it's definitely, I just, I would worry that a body had been in it at some point. A chest freezer. Any other fridge or freezer I'd buy off Marketplace, but a deep freeze. A chest at some point. A chest freezer. Any other fridge or freezer I'd buy off Marketplace, but a deep freeze. A chest freezer, yeah. A chest freezer. Who's ever used that other than to store a body?

Unless you're selling ice creams in a kind of convenience store. A lot of people have them in the garage, don't they? Like preppers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Preppers. When we arrived to pick it up, he said, just have whatever's inside for free. Whoa, no. Clear it out, you said, just have whatever's inside for free. Whoa, no.

Clear it out, you doddery old bastard. Fucking hell. How heavy is that freezer? Not one to turn down a freebie. I happily accepted and looked forward to seeing what treats we had in store. Come on. You can't come on, people. Just, they didn't eat it, did they?

After finding some classics, chicken dippers, potato waffles. Doesn't say if he did or didn't eat it. That sounds like the 80s. An unopened bag I probably would have a go at. Anything half open, no. But I'm not above eating a chicken dipper I've bought off Facebook Marketplace. I saw some bread popping out from through the bottom. On closer inspection, they were from Safeway.

You may remember Rob's Safeway. Yes. Ended in the early 2000s they got bought out by Morrison's they did the BAPS had the use by date August 1994 this was 2016 and I don't have the heart to throw them away so they're still proudly frozen at the bottom of the freezer 25 year old BAPS Jesus wet but I suppose once you had them that long it's quite What? 25-year-old paps. Jesus. But I suppose once you've had them that long, it's quite funny.

How long can you keep it? Exactly. Exactly. I've got a magazine, an Arsenal official monthly magazine with David Platt on the cover from 1995 that I've just kept because I just convinced myself at some point it would be worth a million pounds. It's never going to be worth that, one magazine. Probably worth about eight quid on eBay. Yeah.

Never look at those old sticker albums you've you've completed on ebay rob because they're a lot cheaper than you think they're gonna be i know without the sadness of taking your swaps on the circuit with you um that was great have you got any more i've got some more rob yes have we got the one that michael sent straight away i will finish on that one okay yeah because that is amazing we have to finish on that one um there's Yeah, because that is amazing. We have to finish on that one. There's a couple more, but they're so good. Let's just... Right, so my parents, who shall remain nameless,

okay, I decided to announce proudly that they'd made mince pies in 2019. This was unusual, as they barely cook in the oven, as they've needed a new one for years. After chatting to them, they were telling us through tears

how delicious they tasted and that they used a ready-made jar of Robertson's mincemeat. They then discovered, to our horror, the date on the jar of mincemeat was 1996. Oh, my God. This jar was 23 years old and they'd eaten it. Oh. Honestly, we're used to meeting jars of cans

that are two or three years out of date. They even decided to write to Robertson's customer service to let them know they'd eaten the mincemeat and how delicious it was after 23 years. Oh, so I think they should change the advice. Robertson's wrote back and said they were glad they enjoyed it, but wouldn't recommend eating anything out of date. Oh, boomers are built different, aren't they? 23 years.

They will eat stuff out of date as a matter of pride, talk about rationing, and then sit in the sun until their body resembles a fake Louis Vuitton boat. They love it. They love being brown and being proved right. One more, Rob. Yeah, mate. Thank you for getting us through various lockdowns

with your brilliant podcast. I'm a mum of two boys aged five and seven. Sorry, I know what it is. I'm already laughing. No, this isn't the one for Michael. Oh, okay. This is one more before Michael. All right, let's do it.

I don't know this one. This is quite a poignant one. Oh, okay. Not sure if you were serious when you suggested we send photos of our old cupboard contents. Couldn't resist sending you the attached. My grandfather passed away in 2005. Whilst we were clearing out his larder, we found a half-used jar of Bovril, best before 1993. That jar now lives in the back of my kitchen cupboard.

Oh. I'm not sure why I didn't throw it away. It's moved house with us twice. Looking forward to celebrating his 30th birthday in two years' time. Oh, that's quite nice. It's nice, isn't it? You sort of think, why not wash it out and then have it as like a jug? But's quite nice it's nice isn't it you sort of think why not wash it out and then have it as like a jut like but then i suppose that's weird i thought you were gonna say and put the ashes in there oh no i wasn't gonna say that but the problem is you will have to that will be passed down to someone yeah you're just passing the problem on to someone because then when when you get to like old, and then you pass on, and then your grandkids find that Bovril from 93,

it becomes the fucking Bovril heirloom. And then when they marry someone, when they're older, and they go, why is this fucking old Bovril in here? You go, can't, it's me dead granddad's and mum's. Fuck's sake. Yeah, just leave it in the corner. To let the end of the world's ended, because of all the white cardboard,

and all that's left is a jar of Bovril. Before you know it, another lockdown. Now you might be scooping that onto a bit of bread. Exactly. Grandad's Bovril's coming to his own. Grandad's Bovril sounds disgusting. A fucking bowl of Grandad's Bovril. Do you want to describe what Michael sent to us?

Yes, I'll describe that. So Michael has sent an old product that's been found in the fridge. It's Velcro. And it doesn't look that old, really, does it? Old Velcro. It doesn't. Because Velcro doesn't really go off, does it? No, not to my knowledge.

It goes a bit, if you use it too much, it goes a bit fluffy, doesn't it? Yeah, but if you've never used it, I think it would be fine for first use. It's got a 15- 15 kilogram weight limit on it this velcro anyway the thing that ages it quite badly is in the corner there's a celebrity endorsement with sir jimmy saville i don't think you need to give him sir rob well they've given him sir i'm only reading what's on the packaging josh i think that's been rescinded but that horrible old nonce says win a real real fix-it, sponsoring Velcro. Oh, my word.

That is an out-of-date product, isn't it? Yes, isn't it? Can you imagine? Details inside. Purchase required. Oh, my God, yeah. Do you know what it reminds me of? Do you remember Jimmel Mix-It?

Yeah, they had to change their name, didn't they? They had to change their name. The cement mixing company. They stuck with it quite a long time before they... Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, yeah,

that should have just been called mix it. It's not going to blow over guys. It's not going to blow over. Don't change it. What did they change it to? I think it's just called mix it now. Yeah. Not,

you can't go Tim. No, you can't go Tim or mix it. It still has implications. The phrase. Oh God. Yeah. But they,

they had it a long time. They did change it though. So good on them. But yeah. And Velcrocro i imagine velcro want to distance themselves from that campaign and good on them do you know what rob i'm gonna say though as a protester haven't used velcro since do you know what i i have because they didn't know at that point that was pre the information being released and as far as i can said velcro is a great product okay well it's good to have balance between us isn't it yeah exactly, I don't endorse anything that their celebrity endorsement endorses, but as a product, forget the celebrity endorsement aside,

the criminal endorsement, I should say, aside, it does stick well. It's no Grandad's Bovril, but... No, but if you want a pair of shoes holding on to someone who can't do up their laces, I wouldn't recommend anything else. It's AP, I wouldn't recommend anything else. It's hay fever, don't panic. Do you want a quick present from one of the last presents, Rob?

Yeah, let's have a present and then... This one's to someone called Rob. Oh! What have I got? Uncle Rob. Let's say this is for you, Rob.

Let's say it's for you. Okay. And it is. It's Rose's cousin, isn't it? Rose's uncle, yeah. Uncle Rob. What's Uncle Rob called? Uncle Rob. It. And it is. It's Rose's cousin, isn't it? Rose's uncle, yeah. Uncle Rob. What's Uncle Rob called? Uncle Rob.

It's chocolates, Rob. No, when from? Oh no, they don't look good, Rob. Best before 2016 as well. No way. Poor old Uncle Rob.

Rose. See, that's two out of dirty boxes of chocolates. I didn't think this could get any worse for Rose. Not only has she not sent them, what she was sending

was an absolute pile of chocolates. I didn't think this could get any worse for Rose. Not only has she not sent them, what she was sending was an absolute pile of shit. No offence, Rose, but come on. Because what you know is, not only has she not cared about the chocolates and looked at when they're from, they are obviously something that you guys have been given that she didn't want to eat. Well, Hotel Chocolat isn't even open anymore, is it?

I think they were one of the business... No, the Chocolat, I think the place... But this was bought years ago. This was bought years ago. She's not bought them out of date. She's found them and wrapped them up. I'm going to say it, Rob. You know when chocolates get that kind of pale old look.

Pale white colour on it. Yeah. They're self-dusting. They're self-dusting. They are self-dusting. You've got yourself a packet of self-dusting chocolates, Josh. Exactly. If you have any,

we won't do as many each week, but we could do a couple each week, couldn't we? Yeah, a couple of good ones, can't we? I don't think you hit a seam this rich and just leave it like that. Never quit the hit, Rob.

Now, Rob. Yes. I suppose we've more or less come to the end, haven't we? Yeah, I think so. We could do some shout-outs to businesses and then we'll...

We'll see you on Friday with Faye Ripley. Faye Ripley on Friday. You call her Ripples? The Ripley? The talented Mrs. Ripley? The talented Mrs. Ripley. My opposing captain

on Paul Sinha's TV showdown. She's so... Do you know what I get with Faye Ripley every time? I can't believe that she hasn't got a Mancunian accent. Do you know what?

She's an actress. I know, right? And she's a bloody good one. And every time I see you, I can't believe you're hasn't got a Mancunian accent. Do you know what? She's an actress. I know, Rob. And she's a bloody good one. And every time I see you, I can't believe you're not an angry ice cream man. Well, you know, give it a few years, I might be. Okay, Josh, we've got some small business shout outs. Yeah.

Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm such a big fan of the show. I listen every week on my way to my gluten-free and vegan sourdough bakery. Yes, count me in. This is stiff neck central. Yeah, absolutely. They actually can't use the walls on the sides to display products

because people's necks are so stiff as they go in, Rob. It has to be eye level's my level, mate, and that's the only way around it. To be fair, I've actually had bread from this place. It's good because I can't eat wheat. I get a massive bloated stomach. i don't know you're free rob um i like yeah no wheat i can eat gluten so it's not that severe but if i if i have if i had a wheat baguette right my stomach will go absolutely massive like i'm pregnant and then when i go to a toilet i'm there for ages and it's disgusting that's what i'm saying on the matter yeah and i think there's a lot of blokes that have that but are oblivious because it's the lager.

Anyway, so I'd love to give a shout out to my small business. Our amazing team have been working so hard through all of lockdown to bake and deliver gluten-free sourdough bread all over the UK. Our zero-waste bakery has been supporting local schools with free breakfast for the many children from struggling families that unfortunately come to school having no breakfast. Our website is www.mygfbakery.com. Mygfbakery.com.

I can't wait until our 22-month-old has their own pom-pom jar. That's Rana from My Gluten-Free Bakery. Mygfbakery.com. It's actually pretty good, that stuff. I've had to have it before, so I can endorse that one. You can endorse it. For my little wheat belly. And what have you got, Josh?

Hello. Could you give me. For my little wheat belly. And what have you got, Josh? Hello. Could you give me a shout out? Yes. I have a business making furniture out of reclaimed wood. It's all eco-friendly. Finishes that are pet friendly and child friendly. It's made from scaffold boards and pallet wood. www.recut.co.

He's put not co.uk or.com. www.recut.co he's put not co.uk or.com www.recut.co facebook and instagram at recut co good luck to the small businesses out there it's hard work but you know keep keep chugging along we will put them all on the instagram we will do that at some point but you know come on we're busy people i've got pictures of Saville to put up on the Instagram exactly we won't put them up on the same day

as the Saville one we don't guilt by association yeah right Josh let's speak on Friday before

Favourably episode cheers guys bye bye