Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP26: "Who's rubbed banana on his roof?!...."

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP26: "Who's rubbed banana on his roof?!..."More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx��If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe.

Good job. That's a nice one. Yeah, it wasn't bad, was it? That is Caroline. I can tell you've had a tough week by the lack of praise you're giving that child. Couldn't give a fuck, Rob. I think this is why you're so funny to listen to and watch on telly. Because in three words, I can tell your mood.

You couldn't give a shit about that poor child that poor child's on on a podcast that their parents like and you just don't care you just went not bad fuck off whatever yeah no uh that is ryan he'll be three in june congratulations ryan he's in he's in melbourne oh so he's got 50 days with no cases there bloody hell have they according to this email rob that wasn't off the top of my head um you're really you're really across the covid rates yeah i'm really into it actually i am despite i reckon i haven't read a news story about COVID in three months. I don't think I've clicked through on a news story.

Do you know what I mean? Remember Cummings? I was just like refreshing Twitter every 25 minutes. Yeah, fucking hell, man. I tell you what. Yeah, you tell me. It's amazing, isn't it, today to have news that you actually click on and you're interested in reading. The Prince Philip situation.

There's now chat about... Can we discuss something with Prince Philip? You do know he's dead, Josh. Okay, cool, just checking. Matthew Crosby of this podcast was watching CBeebies with his daughter. Yeah. And they had a minute's silence for Prince Philip on the funeral day. Oh, yeah, because I'm sure all the viewers observed that.

Also, how many parents are having to explain the concept of death? Try explaining the concept of fucking silence, Josh. Can you imagine the telly stopping in your house? The noise. Oh, my God. How are you, though, Josh? You seem a bit more positive now. Just at the beginning, you seemed a little bit tense. I've just got some stuff. Yeah, I've just got some stuff off my God. How are you, though, Josh? You seem a bit more positive now. Just at the beginning, you seemed a little bit tense.

I've just got some stuff. Yeah, I've just got some stuff off my chest. But I'd like to apologise to Caroline and her son, Ryan, because I'm feeling in a better mood now. Yes, OK, good. Just takes a couple of minutes of the podcast. How's your week been? If I'd say the death of football was one of the positives, Rob.

People aren't aware this is the European Super League. If people aren't aware of that, they're not aware of what lockdown is, Rob. It's the biggest news story in the world. True. Lou did say to me, went, what's all this palaver with the football then? And I broke it down with her. And I think she regretted asking. Could I just say that we should dispel rumors um that we've been having

secret zoom calls with the ramses and off menu about setting up a separate podcast network i'll be honest with you josh i will be bought out i would love to be i would i'm hands up china the middle east come and get me i i would happily be owned by a shake and get paid a billion pounds a week. Probably a bit overpriced, isn't it? What does footballers get? 300 grand a week, and he just farms me out whenever he wants a podcast.

I'll do it for him. You'd happily do a podcast with some people in Madrid that you don't have any interest in podcasting with. Of course, on a Wednesday night, and I can never be sacked from a podcast.

That's the dream gig, isn't it? And then at the weekend, you can just send in some kind of reserve to do your other podcast. We really need to break China with this podcast, Josh. I think that's what's holding us back. Once you get China, the world's your oyster. Exactly. Exactly. Now, I can't remember what I was saying.

Oh, your week. How's your week been apart from the death of football? Right. So I've written down some things here, Rob. Oh, I know. It's a good saying. Oh, you're weak. How's your week been? Apart from the death of football. Right. So I've written down some things here, Rob. Oh, I know. It's a good one. He's written it down. I had a really bad evening, Rob.

I had a really bad evening. It's not too bad, is it? I've not gone in too happy. No, it was just stressful. Okay. How pregnant is Rose now, by the way, just to get an idea of this? Three and a half weeks to lift off. Oh, my God.

That is a stressful time, Josh. Yeah. So it all comes weeks to lift off. Oh my God. That is a stressful time, Josh. It's yeah. So it all comes down to that really. So our daughter, she's, it's kind of weird because you expect her to have issues with the brother. She's very excited about the baby brother. Yeah.

But the main issue is the inability of her mom to kind of be able to move very much or lift her out of the bath. Okay. That makes sense. I thought you was going for a personality character assassination. No, yeah, the inability of her mum to empathise. I thought that's where you were going, and I was like, holy fuck, this is big. She slammed Rose.

But, no, you mean physically she's a bit, you know, she can't get around as much. She can't lift her out of the bath. She's heavily pregnant, yep. What's quite difficult in the last couple of days is, so it takes Rose a while to be able to just, she can't just get up, like, from being asleep. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, she's tired and heavy and awkward and got a big bump. She can't get your daughter out of the bath. And you struggle with that, don't you? But you've been doing weights. Look, we've got a walking bath for a three-year-old. Just that he's never had biceps, have you, Josh? You're a distance man. Exactly.

I'm like Moses Kiptonui. Who the fuck was that? Who was that? Well, that's a great reference. Who's the distance? Oh, just someone from when sport was worth watching, mate. What was their name? Moses Kiptonui.

He was a distance runner in the 90s. Gabriel Selassie. Yes, exactly. Let's do your niche distance runners, guys. We know Mo Farah, mainstream bastard. Once we take the bloody billionaire billionaire pounds to form a super league well they'll force us they'll force us to say mo farah because we won't be able to do these references let's enjoy it now i've got to work on my chinese athletes as well i've got some reference points anyway

yes sorry so each morning she'll wake up and now she's started demanding Rose every morning. Oh no. It's just, which, oh, it's just, anyway, it's stressful, but it's fun.

So then you go in cause you're physically able to, and then she cries cause she wants a mum. Yeah. I think they know as well. Cries is a strong word. Shouts. Just screams. Get away from me. I want mummy.

Go away. Stuff like that. Okay. Yeah. That's annoying. Cause it'd be annoying not annoying but it'd be difficult if you had to do all this a lot of more stuff because you're the one who's not pregnant because that's tiring you know obviously you have to do it and you're happy

to do it but the fact that when you are trying to do it they refuse your help that's that's double pain isn't it so your heavily pregnant wife is having to deal with the child while you're just i don't know what I can do, Rob. So you're actually not doing much. So now... No, I am. Your daughter hates you and your wife. It's terrible. No fault of your own.

You're trying to help, but there's nothing you can do. I'm trying to help, Rob. You're trying to help. I just... Yeah, Alex Brooker sent me two really good memes. I do need to send them on to a couple of other people. Well, yeah. You're behind on your WhatsApp banter.

Yeah. So it's just been a bit difficult. Anything else that's been kicking off? Yeah. So there was one particular evening, Rob. Okay. One particular evening. Now, this was maybe last Tuesday.

And in the day I'd had, you know, some annoying work news. I won't go into this, but but something that you thought was going to happen that maybe isn't going to happen, that kind of work news. Okay, so a bit of bad news. A bit of bad news, but that kind of news which isn't the confirmed bad news, but is maybe the bad news. So Alex Brooker and Adam Hill splintering off into a last-leg Super League. They're forming a last-leg Super League.

The only people with disabilities are allowed. You've had it too good for too long, Josh, with all your limbs. They said they would still be happy to occasionally do a Zoom call with me once a weekend so that I get some of the drip down money. Yeah, you've been sat there for 10 years with all your limbs, giving it the large one. Now it's time for Brooker and Hilsey to take over. Anyway, sorry, you've had bad news.

I shouldn't really... I'm not being very empathetic here as a friend, am I? No, no, that's fine. Actually, it wasn't that bad that it wasn't bad until other things were laid on top of it. You know, that kind of bad news. So I was actually walking to nursery in the sun thinking, do you know what?

I think I'm quite enjoying life at the moment. Do you know what? I think I'm quite enjoying life for the moment. Do you know what? It's fine. It's, you know, four weeks to go. This is all going very well. Are you all right, Rob? You died. He was making me laugh.

Sorry. Yeah. Yeah, just so bleak but positive at the same time. It's hard to process. And then I pick up my daughter and I'm walking home and I got a email from um from a an unnamed promoter rob we won't go into it so this is the reason i'm stumbling is i'm trying to work out how to tell this story okay but say for instance i had written a book

that hadn't yet been announced rob yeah for example yeah for example yeah and you would yeah and it wouldn't be that because you wouldn't be allowed to mention that book until you're officially announced that yeah but maybe i would be allowed to mention it if say for instance he had texted me with the heading of the text being the working title of the book that i submitted when i submitted the pitch two and a half years ago yeah okay right yeah i'm confused now. So, yeah, I was confused. Okay. And he said... So he said... He had a semi-text and it contained the working title

I'd submitted to the publisher two and a half years ago. A book that you hypothetically might be writing. A book I might hypothetically be writing. Okay, I'm sort of with you, yep. Yeah. Social distancing, of course. I don't know why I said that. It feels like...

Social distancing, of course, in the bubble. I feel like i should say that anyway just to calm everyone down you've had an email okay you've had an email okay getting it yeah okay um josh can i say so this is the anecdote of a tired man yeah it's more stress than tired bro okay it's more so stumbling over what i'm allowed to say you know you know what I mean? If I hypothetically had... But anyway, it's not my fault, this. Okay, go on. So then,

I was like, he asked me whether I'd do a gig for the launch of this hypothetical book which he'd got the old title for. I was like,

why have you got the old title? And he was like, it's a news story on Chortle. Oh. What's Chortle's the comedy website?

Yeah. And it turned out, hypothetically, by mistake, the Kindle version of the book had been launched on Amazon containing the old title. Oh. And the description was the paragraphs that I'd written when I'd pitched the book that had just been put in as dummy text. So I was very stressed.

Can you imagine how stressed that is? Also, as well, could we just be clear to this, that you have written a book that's going to be launched soon? Next week. been put in as dummy text so i was very stressed could you imagine how stressed that is yeah also as well could we just be clear to this that you have written a book that's going to be launched soon next week yeah i don't know why you cannot tell this story about just saying you've written a book yeah yeah i think that's fine because you know this this has been it's still a new story on short tool because they won't take it down rob they won't take it down and get this the story on short tool the dummy you know you have to write these paragraphs if you pitch a book or pitch a tv show whatever yeah they've put them as my quotes i've never even said these things in my life i just put them in a pitch doc three years ago they

don't even describe the book rob so how would they how have they got this because they've got a google alert on my name so when it came up. Oh, so it's just something's gone wrong in the Amazon system. It's just been pumped out. Okay, I get you. As a pre-order. So there's no book there yet. Well, it's just a Kindle thing. Yeah, the book's not even there.

This is very stressful. You would be stressed at this point. Yeah, you're on the walk to inertia as well. You know you can't be doing it. I'm on the walk back. So I've got my daughter. So I can't even just go, I need to be on my phone for the next half an hour. I've got to do this kind of stressed walk home thinking because someone else has brought you the information it's not

your management or the publisher it's other guys going oh i've seen you've got a book out you're like what i've seen you've got a book out with a very old title yeah can you imagine how stressed i am at this point yeah very stressed so then i get. I'm trying to sort this out. And then I'd say the most extreme meltdown our daughter has had in ages at bedtime happens. And it might be because I was exuding stress, maybe, but I don't know. I think sometimes I pick up on it, but yeah. I don't know. This lasts two hours. Yeah.

You know, like a full... Yeah, the story's still up there. Yeah. It's unbelievable, Rob. It's unbelievable, Rob. And they're refusing to take it down. Yeah. Do you want to know something, Rob?

Yeah. Do you want to know something? I might have said to the publisher, and they will not be getting sent a review copy, so they can... Oh! He's only gone and done it. He's only gone and done it?

Are you blacklisting a website? Because it won't take down a PR release. It was an admin error on Amazon. I'm not blacklisting them, Rob. I'm just not giving them a bloody freebie. Yeah, they can buy it, can't they? They can bloody well buy it. And they can buy it, Rob,

because it's already available by mistake. Just two paragraphs. Just two paragraphs. It's a very expensive book. It works at a pound a word. But what words they are. That is weird they won't take it down, though, because it's obviously very expensive book it works a pound a word but what words they are um that is weird they won't take it down though because it's obviously an admin error and then you're going to send a proper press release next oh that is stressful and then your daughter kicked off then

my daughter kicked off and then rob a different provider who i will not name okay my phone started vibrating massively and i looked and it was nine consecutive whatsapps from a promoter asking me to do four gigs I thought I can't do these this is the last thing I need at this stage yeah I will deal with this later yeah okay yeah also as well they should be going to your agent who does your bookings rather than you directly is normally the rule isn't it yeah of course I would I would have said that as well in case my agent's listening. Yeah, it's just he's cashing in, which I like to do on WhatsApp.

The middle man, mate. So can you imagine what my mental state is like at this point? Yeah, you're stressed. Yeah. And then 45 minutes passes. We manage to get the meltdown more or less under control. Rose is reading my daughter a story. My phone vibrates again three more times.

Oh, no. It's the same promoter that messages read. I can see you've read the WhatsApp messages. Just say yes or no. Don't ignore me. Oh! Can you imagine my mental state at this point, Rob? Yeah, because you do not like confrontation either, do you?

I do not like confrontation at the best of times, Rob. You hate... Because I will have a row with someone that you will not... And you're very placid and a nice guy and fair, but this, for you, I know what you're doing, right? You are getting stressed and you're pacing and you're clapping your fingers on your palms. Yeah, but I can't because I'm sitting on my daughter's bed, Rob.

That's what I want to do. Do you want to dip your fingers in water and put it on your ears in your do that little practice. Yeah, but I can't because I'm sitting on my daughter's bed, Rob. That's what I want to do. And do you want to dip your fingers in water and put it on your ears in your temple like you used to do when you got stressed? I want to dip my fingers in an electronic socket at this moment, Rob. So at the moment, a book's been released that's completely wrong

and the website telling everyone in the comedy world won't take it down. Your daughter's kicking off, your wife's pregnant in three weeks to birth and cannot move and now you're getting bullied by a promoter. Yeah, that's the long and short of it. And you started off going,

I like life. About an hour earlier, I was walking in the sun thinking everything's going to be A-OK. So did it get sorted? Well, you've been on short all, Rob. Are you doing the gigs? Are you doing the gigs?

No, I'm not doing the gigs. I did manage to somehow apologise for not replying to the text. What the fuck is wrong with me? You apologise for not replying? Oh, Josh. I'm really sorry, mate. Josh, this might make you feel better, okay, because I'm going to drop the hypothetically stuff.

I actually have written a book that's coming out. Oh, originally? I knew. You knew. Don't have to pretend. You told me you were expecting a baby, and I had to pretend on the podcast. I didn't know already.

But I am writing a book. Oh, congratulations. Thanks, Josh. It's called A Class Act, and it's about the class system really it's funny it's funny book but about class and being a working class in a middle class world that's basically it i'm not gonna hard sell it you all owe me a copy for the year do hard sell it rob yeah well is my hard sell buy my fucking book it's took ages and all this is free it's fair yeah even if you buy it and don't read it i think it's a fair swap don't you for this amount of content.

Yeah. And do you know what, Rob? Yeah. I'm so inspired by you. I might write a book. Oh, hypothetically,

of course. Rob, I can't wait to read your book. I just say that. And I do agree that if you do listen to this podcast, yeah, it would be a wonderful, wonderful thing to pre-order.

Yeah. And yours as well. And what? I don't know what you're talking about, Rob. And Josh's. Buy mine and buy Josh's when he's sorted out. And what I'd like to say to the listener is I love you very much and thank you so much for being committed to this podcast,

but it wouldn't be a nice gesture for you to buy our books. It's expected. And if you're listening to this and you've listened to it for a year and you won't spaff 20 quid on a book or whatever it is i don't know cheaper than that these days rob not mine mate mine's quality but anyway this is forget that right that by the book please buy the book you can get just google it it's called a class act but the thing is right this will make you feel better about your week when they asked me um because we haven't done the photo shoot for the cover oh yeah right i haven't done the photo shoot for the cover. Oh, yeah. Right? I haven't done a photo shoot for my book.

I said to them, they went, oh, what photo do you want to use for the draft cover? Yeah. And I, for a laugh, said, use the one from the Guardian interview. Right? As a joke, and it's only the fucking draft cover. Oh, right.

Look, I've just sent it. The worst part is, the one I've sent you hasn't got it on board. Oh, my God god can I just say the thing I would like to take back that stuff about people buying a book I don't think they should

because of the photo but the worst part is well I'm just saying Rob you should judge a book by the cover and this looks is this one of those misery memoirs Rob

I look like I look like it's a book about somebody tried plastic surgery and it went wrong but the problem is right this is my issue with it like because i said it as a laugh and they took me seriously and they've put it on and i thought that won't matter because it was just like a little photo but it's not it's on amazon and all the websites now so it comes up when you search for it. And the worst part is on the thumbnail on the website, it says draft cover, which doesn't say the photo's going to change.

It might imply that it might change from orange to blue. I do think a lot of people will be looking at that going, yeah, I don't like the font. There you go, Rob. The Kindle edition is available already. I've just checked that on Amazon, so you'll be pleased about that. Oh, perfect, the Kindle edition. Luckily, mine's got the right name.

I do look forward to reading your book, Rob. And I also look forward to us levering our books, if I had a book, into every episode until Christmas. Oh, yeah, please. Come on, just get it. Just buy it. Guys, the only way to stop us doing that would be to buy the fucking book. Yeah, and get the publishers off my back.

Do you know what we should do is we should do a little thing called spot rob and josh's pr commitments with the publisher when we like pop up on like random shows like you know gardeners world and i'm like yeah i do love flowers actually anyway i've got a book and they'll go the thing about you and flowers rob is i've looked at the draft cover of your book, and you do have hay fever. Well, there's a thing I... I'm happy I'm here, actually. I want to talk about pollen bombs,

because I got absolutely pollen bombed, and it's a draft cover. Don't worry, we're going to do a photo shoot. It's a draft cover. Anyway, let's stop talking about books and talk about kids. Okay, Rob. But what I do want you to do in weeks to come is, as you know, I'm overly nervous about uh confrontation

or and that that moves into promotion yeah yeah so maybe next week you could uh give me some tips on promoing that's a good idea i'll do that we'll do that next week and also i've got an idea should we set up a market stall somewhere and sell our books together yes please yes please just get a pitch somewhere at the end of maybe Columbia Road Market where I used to work and just get a little pitch and flog our books for the day. That would be fun, wouldn't it? It would be lovely as a Christmas gift.

We'd be getting both in the same package, wouldn't it? Do you know what? I'm going to tell you a story. I've got to be careful here because the person – you know musical comedians, or I like to call musicians? Yeah. No, no. Some musical comedians are good

but there was this one musical comedian i did a gig with him right and he had cds of his stuff and at the end he just sort of stood by cds yeah and i went come on mate you gotta sell them better than that like anyway i started flogging i sold about 30 cds right of him like five or eight quid a pop he went cheers mate didn't give a tenner. He just stood there watching me sell them. Oh, my God. I was fuming. But, well, we can sell books together, Josh. That'd be fun.

Yeah, that'd be good. You could take me through this. You could take me through this. Rob, I've got some bin issues. Oh, you've got bin issues? Talk me through the bin issues. Okay. I can't believe how bad my terrible day was.

When I went back through it, I was like, it was bad. So this is more than the same day? No, no, no, no. But I did get some this is how much so you know I've got I've gone to bi-weekly bit is that what it's called

every two fortnightly fortnightly yeah bin collection yeah what we're talking about green bin bags oh I'm just reading what I've written down

it's not like this is this episode's carnage isn't it yeah we're both a bit manic yeah can you believe how little energy I brought to the first minute and now it's going like this episode's carnage, isn't it? Yeah, we're both a bit manic. Can you believe how little energy I brought to the first minute,

and now it's going like this? You're off the fucking Richter, boy. So I need to order a second bin, Rob. I'm more than a bin every two weeks, but I'm terrified about applying to Hackney Council in case my application is rejected. Why don't you just buy a wheelie bin? Can you do that?

I don't think you can just buy a second wheelie bin, can you? Mate, do you think Bromley Council let me have seven extra bins? I've bought them all. Have you? Yeah. Where are you buying your bins? Lou got them off Amazon. Did she?

And do they take them? Yeah. Right, I'm going to show you the cardboard above our fridge. I don't think she bought them. I don't know where she got them off. I don't think it was Amazon. It was somewhere. There's cardboard above your fridge.

This is the kind of house we're living in at the moment. Oh, mate, that is... I've got more. If you give me two minutes, I'll take a photo of the cardboard down the side of my house. Yes, please. It's the kind of shit we're running. See you in a second. I'll just fill in while Rob does that. If you are listening,

don't buy his book. No one actually really wants to read that shit, do they? But say if someone else was coming out with a book that, that someone you're also a fan of, you could buy that one, for instance, I'd say. Oh,

he sent the photo. I'll shut up. I've sent it. Yeah, I've seen it. I think, I think you've got a lot of cardboard, Rob.

Yeah. It's nice to see that we use the same brand of ethical toilet paper that's very nice exactly very stiff neck of me isn't it very stiff neck um i would say you've got to flatten as you go rob no but that's i'm building up there we'll put it all on instagram i'm building up an afternoon an afternoon of flattening i can flatten it with a podcast in for a couple of hours oh tidy up a bit then trip to the dump oh i'm creating a job for myself yes yes that's nice it's like when you're a temp in an office yeah you've got to look busy oh mate when i did uh

when i did work experience at 442 one of the worst weeks of being ignored in my life just trying to look busy nothing to do i'm offering people tea them getting annoyed because you're offering them too much tea oh well why didn't they get you to do something but you know what i did do rob what did you do i wrote in they asked me to write a letter for the letters page yeah i wrote a letter for the letters page. Suggesting the European Super League. Was it a manifesto? It was.

I haven't seen a fucking penny. Open up 442 the next month. I'd only one letter of the month. Yeah, I'd one letter of the month, Rob. Free, I win a football-shaped alarm clock. Email them up. Can I have my football-shaped alarm clock? No, up. Can I have my football-shaped alarm clock? No, sorry.

You're on work experience. You don't qualify. Well, that is not what it said on the page, mate. That is corruption at the highest. That is corruption. They didn't want to give out an alarm clock, did they? They didn't want to give out an alarm clock, Rob. Oh, bastards.

Awful bastards. Do you want to hear about my trip to Centre Parcs? Yes. It was a dream. 50% capacity. 50% capacity. 50% capacity? Yeah. I don't know if they did that on purpose as they bed back in, because some of the stuff's shut.

Obviously, you can't eat and drink inside. It must be on purpose. Swimming pool was shut, but we got a bit of a refund. But it was quality. And we went. I'll tell you what's great. We went to – have you ever been to Woburn Safari Park? Oh, no, but I'd like that.

So tell me about your your day your week rob what did you do with your days well the days at first day we got there and just chilled out and they just love playing on the park and stuff oh my five-year-old got a splinter i'm talking right underneath her nail oh to the base of the nail my hand's going rob my hand's going you're clapping you're. I've never seen. I was like, that can't be a splinter. It must be. You know when you get a bruise and it's on a line,

if you get your thumbs trapped in the door, right? I was like, that must be a bruise. If she had a splinter like that, she'd be going mad. Anyway, they take it. Centre Park's first aid centre. I cannot. I'm not getting paid. I paid for my trip.

This is not like an advert for Centre Park. I paid for it all and no one's asked me to say anything that absolutely top level it felt like it felt like the what i imagine the hospital was like in a truman show just absolutely dedicated to one person and you went in there and there's a proper fully qualified nurse that used a proper implement on it and it was a it was a one inch splinter under the nail that she used like a sucking out device and tweezers oh my god rob how is your daughter screaming no because she was so good than her she was really upset before she went there but they gave her a break a bear for being brave with a sticker drew a little mouse on the plaster but honestly mate i couldn't believe how awful the splinter was. But that's no criticism on Centre Parks.

In a bark-based park, there's going to be some wood trouble. Exactly. That makes my hand go, mate. Mate, I can't do nails. It was awful. It was horrific. But she dealt with it like a trooper. And that's the Safari Park.

So this, right? What do you see? Mate, we saw a baby bear. We saw lions. We saw tigers. But properly up close, right? There's a bit. There's giraffes.

There's elephants. It's great. Honestly, really good. Did you just sit in the car? Yeah, you just sit in the car, but seatbelts off for the kids. And they sat on my lap and drove the car. Probably illegal, but we loved it, Josh. It's not illegal on private land, is it?

No. Going at two miles an hour. Do you know what, Rob? No one's listening. We'll get away with it. Actually, I didn't do that. I just lied. Yeah, exactly.'t do that. I just lied. Yeah, exactly.

And I don't have a book. No, we don't know what we're doing anymore. But all I know is when we was in that car, we were social distancing, of course. Yes, of course. Anyway, so we're driving around, but there's a monkey area, Josh, where monkeys jump on your car. No.

I didn't know that happened in real life yeah that happens in real life yeah so they jump on the car and we've got like a window so you can see through it yeah on the roof for a panoramic window roofing i don't know i don't know what it is anyway but we was like this is so exciting last time we went they jumped on the roof this time we went round they didn't jump on the roof josh and then we was disappointed be able to get to go around again if you want and then the second time we had i'd say nearly 10 monkeys on our roof bloody hell and are you not worried about your paint work well it's an old cash car i don't really care to be honest with you um this is my this is like yeah that's your monkey car isn't it it's my monkey car it's a monkey car but no it's we've had it about six

years and the kids have just ruined it with crisps, so we're not really bothered. But anyway, it jumped to the roof. But I've got a slight confession, Josh. Oh, no. You got aroused. No. I'm sorry.

Carry on. Carry on. I don't know why I said that. No, that was the rhinos. The horn just does something. There is an animal there called a wild Somali ass, which is great fun to say. Hey, kids, who wants to see a wild Somali ass, which is great fun to say. Like, hey kids, we want to see some wild Somali ass.

Anyway, we had 10 monkeys on the roof of the car because before we ran it a second time, I rubbed some banana on the roof. Oh, mate. Look, the rules are you're not allowed to feed the monkeys. You are not allowed. I would not recommend it, but they do jump on your roof. I would not recommend it because you're not allowed to feed the monkeys. You are not allowed. I would not recommend it, but they do jump on your roof. I would not recommend it because you're not allowed to feed the monkeys.

Licking your roof. I didn't feed a monkey. I, at two o'clock every day, rub a banana on my roof. Always done it. Always done it. And it just so happens that that was- It's for luck, isn't it? It's just a little banana rub for luck.

And didn't it pay off? Didn't it pay off? Yes. So the only problem with that was I did get caught on Twitter. Some people messaged me saying, Oi, Beckett, I saw the monkeys on the roof of your car and I saw some banana that you'd smashed into your roof. No.

But it got monkeys, that's what I'm saying. But I wouldn't recommend doing it. Do it. I wouldn't recommend doing it because you're not allowed to feed them. And to be fair, it was a minuscule amount of banana, but just the smell got on there, Josh. There's nothing more exciting than a monkey jumping on your car, than them not damaging it,

jumping off it onto your friend's car who's got a nicer car. I think that is the greatest feeling in the world. A couple of other things happened. Basically, in Centre Park, I had my first beer outside, obviously, because it had been the 12th of April. So we sat outside the sports bar, had a little beer whilst the kids played in the park, right? So that was great.

We could watch them in the park. And then afterwards, we went to the park market. It's like a little supermarket, and they've got, like, little trolleys that the kids can use. Anyway, I'd not been drinking for ages i had two pints i was off my face you are absolutely smashed i spent 150 pounds in the park market one of my daughters bought seven kinder eggs whoa rob that's one a day yeah but i didn't realize they were going through i was so overexcited and drunk they absolutely i

felt like you know like a tourist getting mugged in the middle. And they just absolutely, one of them picked up a DVD of Captain Corelli's Mandolin. I nearly put that in. I was just so high on life. And then because we was all giddy and overexcited, my youngest now does a thing called Moony Bum Bum, where she just gets her arse out.

Wow. And shouts Moony Bum Bum. And she was doing her arse out. Wow. And shouts Moony Bum Bum. And she was doing it in the shop. They're young. They're fine. They're enjoying life, Rob. As long as you don't join them, that is completely fine. Basically, I pulled my trousers down, wiped some banana on my arse

and screamed, come and get me. You know what? It's one of the best holidays I've ever had. Rob, I've got a bit of a parenting conundrum for you yeah go on so we had some flowers some flowers on the table right and they they're coming to come to the natural end so my daughter likes to kind of chop them up play with the petals yeah and then she was like I'm gonna plant my flowers oh no yeah and we've been watering the garden all week and we've also planted chilies and um tomatoes and she's really excited about this all so

she's like i'm gonna plant my petals and she was so excited and i thought i should just say and i said just so you know they might you know there's a chance they won't grow into flowers and she looked so sad so sad rob oh that i could i said but you never know right yeah you need your thing of course you would we haven't we've planted but you've got you just deal with it later just a bit later just let her have the dream we've watered them rob yeah so what should i do i'm toying with going to buy some plants rob that's exactly what i was gonna say just get something like a little pansy and just plant it when she's at school and then when she comes home you can be like look what you've created do you think she'll fall for it suddenly being there yes she's three mate

if she's got a problem with what's she gonna say well that grew quick Well, that grew quick. Yeah, you're really good, aren't you? Yeah. We've picked up some tips listening to Rob Beckett on Gardener's World flogging his fucking book. Yeah, I think do that. Go out and buy some wine. There'll be people arguing and going, no, but you're lying to them.

It's not true. Who cares? Life's hard. Let her have her pansy. Exactly. We've got so many good emails this week, Rob. Perfect. Okay, well, let's do some emails.

Okay, Rob. So let's start with this. Firstly, I've got good news. Oh, yeah? I'm just going to send you something. You said something last week? No, a couple of weeks ago. If anyone was doubting whether you were being honest about it,

here is proof. It's the Right Move page for amir khan's house oh yes please send it no garden no garden not not only is it no garden yeah but uh point seven on the key features is all blocked paved gardens oh it's listed as a fee it's a feature howard brazier thank you for that by the way thanks Howard how much 1.5 million I mean also like no offence but

who wants to spend that much money on a house in Bolton I mean I can't say no offence and say that but it's ok some offence but all I'm saying is if you're going to spend that much money on a house I'd argue that the countryside around Bolton is a lot

prettier than central Bolton. It's lovely inside, though. If you are going to buy that house, I'm not sure grass is what you're into, Rob. Hey, Rob and Josh, this is David Braddock. Go on, Braddos. I love the podcast. I've been listening since day one. Thank you. After listening to the Nadia Hussain episode

where she tells how it got her daughters to do mundane tasks, such as unsubscribe from her emails, it brought back a memory from when I was younger. During the summer holidays, me and my sister would spend a few days each week with my auntie. She was the manager of a petrol station

in Formby near Southport. Sounds like a Peter Kay pitch. Yeah. Also, I'd say near Southport isn't as helpful as he thinks it is. Oh, I did a gig in Southport and the hotel that I went to, oh my God, it was like a, you know, like a house, a hotel they put people in between prison and a council flat. Halfway house.

Yeah, that's the one. That's where all the footballers live though, Southport, isn't it? Not in the centre. Not in the one. That's where all the footballers live though, Southport, isn't it? Not in the centre. No, not in the centre. Yeah, Stephen Gerrard lives above Ladbrokes. Look, the rule is, in central city areas, you live in a penthouse

or you get a big house in the country. That's what footballers do. Certainly bloody no. The rich bastards are all right. Aunty Marion would pick us up in the morning and take us to work with her we both loved it because she would get her would get us doing loads of mundane tasks like restocking the shelves picking up the litter around the forecourt and restocking the little plastic gloves near the pumps now you may laugh at that rob but i used to have that job once

as well at a safeway petrol station in top nest what just filling up the gloves that was your whole job no so i work no but i worked at the petrol station but the best job was the litter pick because you got one of those little picker things yeah and then you would end it they'd give you a ticket for the jet wash and you'd get to wash the jet wash with the jet wash yeah well that yeah that is better than working on a checkout. Yeah, it was better. Fresh air, power in your hands. Exactly. Felt like a real man.

I used to love doing the cardboard crusher machine at the supermarket I worked in. Barrel them up. Oh, I loved it. Just really not much different to my life now. Just sort of cardboard it. Yeah, you're just doing it without the crusher now. Just doing it in the alleyway on the side of my house, rather than the alleyway behind St. James' Chiseler.

To everyone else, these were tedious jobs, but we enjoyed them because it made us feel grown up. I was 10 and my sister was 13. One day, we were in the back office. On the wall, I saw a large red button. When my sister went to the toilet, I did what every 10-year-old would do, and I pushed it.

Oh, no. Nothing happened, so I pressed it again. Still nothing. I repeatedly pressed it for a good minute, waiting for some sort of light to come on or a secret door to open, but nothing happened. Five minutes later, I heard multiple police sirens coming from somewhere very close.

I went out of the office to have a look, and to my surprise, I saw two riot vans and three police cars I mean, I'd get fire engines All on the petrol station forecourt That's a bit extreme for a petrol station Is it because there's lots of robberies in petrol stations? Liquid gold Liquid gold

It's liquid gold No, but I thought that would be if there's a fire Because surely a fire at a petrol station is a bigger risk than someone robbing it. You'd think, wouldn't you? Also, I don't know how much money Southport, Formby petrol stations take in. There's a lot of footballers around there with their people. Those big guzzling Range Rovers. Exactly.

The police were everywhere. The people on the forecourt filling up their cars all had a look of panic on their faces. My auntie was in complete shock. I suddenly realised what I'd done. I'd pressed the panic button, not once, but several times in quick succession. Caused a massive police response.

I decided to hide in the stockroom until the police left. Oh, no. My auntie never asked me if I pressed the button. It was only years later at a family get-together that I came clean to her. She told me that she knew it was me all along, but was waiting for me to own up.

Oh. She also said that the petrol station company got a very large fine for wasting police time, and she got serious warning. Oh, Auntie Marion. I tell you what, Auntie Marion, stop taking children to work well exactly you know why she couldn't she couldn't say it was him who would have thought allowing a child

in a petrol station running around cleaning it that they might press a button all i'm saying is auntie marion you know you took a risk and it didn't fully pay off exactly exactly sounds like a nice lady though auntie Marion, if work shy. She sounds lovely, doesn't she? She does. Why don't we do this? I'll open a present.

Open a present? Last present. Then we'll do the small business shout out. Yes, mate. Let's do that. What is this? It is for Louise.

These are presents that my wife hasn't sent since 2018 to our relatives. They've been sitting. Oh, dear, Rob. Oh, no. What is it?

More chocolates. More out-of-date chocolate. More out-of-date chocolate. Oh, my God. It looks terrible. Used by date, 28th of April, 2016. Oh, my God. They're getting older.

What is going on? I'm going to send you a photo of that now. Yes, please. That looks absolutely awful. Should I try one? You sound like a YouTuber that's run out of ideas. Yeah, let's do the haunted house and then I'll do a fake fight. There it is.

Oh yeah, I've got it. Oh, they look like a bag of shit. They look appalling. They look yeah, I've got it. Oh, they look like a bag of shit. They look appalling. They look like a dog shit. Looks like dog shit in a bag. Rose is so lucky you didn't send it. Yeah. Well, that could have arrived in someone's house.

It's fine. Oh, Merry Christmas. Do you know what? Next week, Rob, that is five years out of date. That is... Where did Rose find it? We need answers. We need to... I'm going to get to the bottom of that. That is... Where did Rose find it? We need answers. We need to...

I'm going to get to the bottom of that. Okay, right. We saw that out. Rob, now, we like to... We're trying to give some shout-outs to small businesses, Rob. Yeah. Well, I've got one. It's two young and up-and-coming comedians that have got books out.

Oh, yeah. I'll start. You start. Hi, guys. Please give my wife, Jill,, small business a shout out. She's a very hardworking nurse on the neonatal intensive care unit at Milton Keynes Hospital. Close to Woburn.

Exactly. Fancy rubbing a banana on your roof after a shift? Thank me later. That genuinely, Rob, sounds like something that you'd end up having to defend saying in a sexual harassment case. Sounds like a kinky dog in here, doesn't it? He wants three men in there. He's just rubbed banana on his roof.

That's a sign. That's a sign for it. Sorry, Josh. This is a real... Do you want to know the ultimate gear change that we've ever had? I'd say it's that banana riff into this next sentence. Oh, God, sorry. Okay. ever had i'd say it's that banana riff into this next sentence oh god sorry okay she's very hard

working nurse in the neonatal intensive care unit and milton keene's hospital after seeing so many parents despondent are the limited choice of clothes available for their premature baby seeing babies often in clothes that are too big or not suitable for babies connected to monitors or tubes she's decided to do something about it. She's rubbing banana on the roof. Apologies to everyone. We didn't know. She's basically a nurse in a neonatal intensive care

that is designing sort of small and adaptable clothing for children that are in intensive care. I mean, Jesus Christ, why did I do the banana? Three men in a car car fucking someone senseless because he's rubbed banana on his roof let's hear about what normal nice people do do you know what rob how is that her job and this is mine if people want to show a distaste for your behavior they should go on www.little-mouse.co.uk because she sourced premature baby clothes from across the world,

had some designed and manufactured herself by a small British factory. So that is www.little-mouse.co.uk Little Mouse has clothes and gifts for babies as small as

one and a half pounds in weight. Aww, what a woman. Do you know what? That is good because I've had friends that have had premature babies and it's a bit awkward cause you've normally buy the present in advance and you don't want to give someone outfit that won't fit them and say,

this will be when they're bigger. So it's nice to be able to get them something that they can put them in early doors. And do you know, Tyson Fury was premature. Was he? He weighed a pound. No.

Six foot nine, heavyweight champion of the world now. Bloody hell. I know, it's mad, isn't it't it um and but you know but little mouse went around then so he was probably knickered for ages but um that's great what a great little hyphen mouse.co.uk i've got such banana roof regret i think it's all right do you know what other podcasts would have edited that out but we keep it in i tell you what while we're on, I also wiped banana all over my genitalia and under my window and flashed it at the monkeys. Is that okay?

Do you have a small business? I do have a very small business covered in banana. Okay, hi, guys. Long-time listener, first-time emailing. I had to get in touch to mention my business in the hopes you'll give me a much-needed shout-out. I am an illustrator, artist, and all-round maker, a mum of a well two-year-old boy. My business is called Dorkface and I can be found on Instagram at Dorkface Creates. I create colourful and quirky art,

make enamel pins, t-shirts, stationery, and all sorts. Anything I can put an illustration on, I do. I've struggled through lockdown trying to work on my business while looking after a little boy as my husband is training to be a nurse he decided to completely change his profession last year as he wanted to help the nhs and do so really important to help people amazing is he making little clothes though no he's not so he needs to push more okay being a nurse is not enough anymore that's right josh isn't it no that's very good congratulations and that's very impressive well done and this is uh this is great uh it's great that he's becoming a nurse but it's been a lot of nights working and just trying to work on my product to make some sales whilst looking after my child has been really hard any

help would be amazing we love the podcast i want to say thank you for making me laugh through some bleak and lonely times well jemma um here's your shout out at dork face creative and look 17 000 followers you're doing well, Gem. Keep going. And have a look there. And I'm sure she does sort of request designs and stuff. It's a really good illustration. It's really fun and quirky. I think my daughters would love stuff like that in their rooms and things.

But yeah, dorkfacecreative and Little Mouse are our business shout-outs this week. Good luck, people. Good luck. Thank you to everyone for listening. Genuinely, Rob, this has been superb for my mood. Do you you know what i've done i've rubbed banana on your roof you've rubbed banana on my bloody roof so who's rubbing on his roof that should be the new saying you know when they someone's like oh who's rubbing on his roof you know what's gonna happen rob i'm gonna be walking to nursery after this with a spring in my step and then I'm going to get a text giving me

some absolutely appalling news about a DVD that I didn't know I was releasing that's been leaked to the Times and it was written in like 2001 things that were okay then but not okay now

anyway well good luck with your hypothetical book launch next week, Josh. Cheers, and congratulations on your book. Do go out and pre-order it, people. It is called something about class sake. It's called a class act, and it's a human sloth on the cover. There will be a proper cover, though.

Don't worry about that. Right, speak to you on Friday. Bye.