Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP27: Charlie Baker

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S02 EP27: Charlie Baker *TRIGGER WARNING*This episode contains some discussion of pregnancy issues and miscarriage.Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant comedian, actor, writer, singer and presenter - Charlie Baker. We hope you enjoy! Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx *TRIGGER WARNING*This episode contains some discussion of pregnancy issues and miscarriage.If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Leon, can you say Rob Beckett? We've had that. We've had that. We haven't got one. Okay, cool. Welcome to the show, guys.

Welcome to the show. It's a pleasure to be here on a Friday. We haven't got one. Boom. You can tell someone's expecting a baby in two weeks. Nope. Done. Move on. We have one, but I haven't forwarded one onto the right inbox.

And it's genuinely... Why don't you forward one to me and I'll do it? Well, do you know what, Rob? I'm going to say it. I reckon this is probably the most memorable intro we've had in a while. People are going to be absolutely lapping it up as it is send send one over and we'll do one anyway do you i mean also i want to ask you josh are you going to take paternity leave from the podcast yes i'm going to take the full six months rob if you took six months off this podcast to look after

your new fucking kid i would be furious this is theulp. This is what it's all been for. This is our Wembley. I promise. So what day is it due? Say it came on the due day. Yeah. Yeah, I promise that I'll be there for the next podcast, like God willing, with health of the baby, et cetera. Yeah, of course.

Yeah. Okay. Rob, if I've learned one thing in the last year, I am best at my job job if you consider this my job when I'm emotionally at my worst you're most effective to bring joy to others when you hate your own life exactly so I think I think the the six months coming up is potentially the funniest I'm ever going to be if you come on here and start telling me how magical it all is. We're ending it. I can't do it. Actually, you know, with a bit of foresight,

it's okay to just love it, is it? I've seen those people. Everyone just thinks it's so awful. But you know what? It's actually magical. Yeah, there are some great moments, yeah? And I'd say they are peppered between hell. What do you say?

It's sort of like little bright spots. It's sort of like the sun peeking out between the clouds as it pisses down for a two-week holiday. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But, you know, at the end of the two weeks, you're resting. But as long as you get the photo when the sun's out. Yeah, get the photo then to put on Instagram and then you can just sit and wallow in the shit.

So this is going to be a great opportunity to get it off your chest Josh so yeah I'm looking forward to it I'm looking forward to it Rob probably yeah you carry on well no no I was just gonna say I had a couple more things to talk to you about I was gonna ask you if you had any more things to talk about that's how good we are yeah well I have got something I'm gonna tell you about the bikes at Centre Parks yeah yeah so we I didn't my kids don kids can't ride a bike yet. They're too little and I can't be bothered to teach them yet, basically. Quite lazy.

Any advice on teaching kids to ride a bike? Let me know because I've got to do that soon. She's asking. She's five. So I don't think it's too early or too late really.

I think it's about right or just before. Anyway, we didn't get bikes but I got a bike with a trailer on the back so you could put them in it. Which is good fun. You feel so Scandinavianavian i felt danish

i've always wanted to go to copenhagen haven't i josh so you know basically copenhagen came to a forest near milton kings oh wow and i had the kids in the back right and you know what to start the week i was doing all right i was like they're quite heavy there's two of them there's some hills i'm getting through it i've been doing i've been on the exercise bike you know i've got an exercise bike thank you josh yeah i've been doing i. I've been on the exercise bike. You know I've got an exercise bike. Don't you, Josh? Yeah. I've been doing it. I'm all right. My thighs are pretty strong. They've had a workout and build up for this.

Ah, my thighs are like Chris Hoy has let himself go. They look like the thighs of a man that once had powerful legs. I've never had powerful legs, but it looks like I might have had them at some point. Anyway, I'm doing all right. And towards the end of the holiday, I'm fucked, mate. I can't get up the hills. I can't get any speed up. I'm like, what is it? I feel like I'm doing all right. And towards the end of the holiday, I'm fucked, mate. I can't get up the hills. I can't get any speed up. I'm like, what is it?

I feel like I'm falling apart. I start worrying if I've got lung COVID. I've never had COVID. I didn't know, but I've got the lung on it. Anyway, as I'm doing it, I keep being the gills. The worse I'm doing, the more they laugh. And I just thought they were laughing at me being crap at cycling. They weren't.

Do you know what they were doing? They were putting their feet on the wheel and on the tyre to slow. They were breaking me. Amazing. They were breaking me. You're giving them a physics lesson, Rob. I know, but they were loving it. And I went, have you been doing that all week?

They were like, yeah. I was like, you little shit. That's amazing. I know. Did you just think that your legs were going weaker and weaker yeah i thought maybe also i was drinking quite a lot do you know what i mean because i don't know about you if i can sit outside and watch my children on a park where i know all the things in there they can manage alone

i will sink four pints i do you know what rob Rob? Yeah. I went for my first pint outside. So I had Susie Ruffle and Alice came round, and we had them in the garden. Of course. And then me and Susie went to get lunch, went to get pizzas from the pub. Yeah. It was a 15-minute wait, Rob.

And there was a table outside. No way. And we just had a pint. On a bench? On a bench outside the pub. All allowed, not being naughty. And and you know what rob didn't even have to make up that you know we were from the same household or anything no you just was allowed socially distancing obviously yeah yeah of course yeah you know apart from you have one pint and it all falls apart yeah exactly you end up like sitting on someone's lap yeah we had one pint and we both had a straw in it, but they were long straws.

Exactly. And before you know it, you're having a banana on someone's roof and you're full of it all. Exactly. And I do hope people have listened to the last episode. Otherwise, that is... Like I said, start from the beginning or don't bother.

It's a soap opera. It's a soap opera. It's a rollercoaster, man. No one starts Sopranos 10 eps in, do they? Exactly. You've got to start from the beginning to know why we're so sad. This is like the wire for podcasts. Yeah, anyway, so that happened in Centre Parcs, Josh.

I've got two other things. I've got some advice for you about the newborn. Do you want some of that? This is quite good advice, actually. Second baby advice for Josh. Hi, guys. I've just finished listening to Tuesday's episode. I wanted to message in some advice when josh brings a new baby home because there's a vice site you

bring a present to be like oh look your brother's but anyway this is i've not heard this this is very good when the baby arrives make sure on occasion sometimes say to the baby who obviously has no idea what you're saying hold on baby i need to help your sister this way instead of it always being the older child who has to wait while you're doing something with a baby they feel like sometimes the baby is having to wait so it's fair so no one's a priority that's excellent isn't it that is like the ultimate parenting hack that is i'd say that that is i'm getting like hairs on the back of my neck of life just feeling the excitement that you or a new parent is going to get to know that is an efficient tool.

Because then that way it's fair that the eldest has to wait because the youngest has to wait as well. And the perfect crime is the youngest hasn't got a fucking Scooby whilst happening. Perfect. Brilliant. Superb. Josh.

Oh, yeah. And I've got one more thing as well i'm over excited josh can you tell yeah i'm fucking vibing mate you ever get that you just get an absolute vibe on and then you meet someone who's fed up and it brings you down yeah you're not bringing me down by the way i'm just saying that oh no i'll go out full of beans and then i'll bump into someone that goes fucking shit in it what's happening in the football you know oh god here we go but at the moment i'm high on life and i've got a excellent tweet i'm going to read you this is um this is about old stuff found in the cupboard because

your wife was trying to send four-year-old out of date chocolate to someone for christmas this is from a guy called ian spark who um he's got the vibes of a sort of thinner goateed tony adams about him yeah it's quite a niche reference point yeah but you know i'm picturing him yep um anyway my 89 year old grandmother gave me some bacon ingredients she no longer used there isn't a best before date on it but the currency was pre-decimal yes please this is almond flavor. So I think pre-decimalisation was 1976. Right. Is that right?

Do you want to Google that? Have I done that off the top of my bones? 70s. Have you done that off the top of your bones? Give me a quick, get your Google up. Decimalisation. Here we go. Because this is what it is.

It's an exciting youth content. Oh, 71. You were just five years out. Hang on. Is this almond flavouring 50 years old, minimum? Yeah, it's 50 years old this year. 50 years old this year. I wonder what they're going to do for it.

You've got to bake a cake, haven't you? You have got to bake an almond cake with a 50-year-old flavouring. This is golden jubilee. It's golden jubilee of the almond flavouring. Yeah, it's unbelievable. 89-year-old grandmother, 50 years. No one's going to beat that. My God, for 50 years. No one's going to eat that. she bought that

ironically just before her 50th. So how does that work then? They've just found that and there's no price in it but it's in decimal.

Yeah, I'll send you the picture. Yeah, so it's got on it the same, even the packaging is old.

Oh wow, look at that. 9D. 9D. What's a D? What was D in old money? I don't know what a D is. I don't even know, Rob, what the decimal thing was. A shillings.

Shillings. I'm going to type in old money. What do I get? Oh, God, it's well confusing. So a 6D is a sixpence. Yeah. Why are we doing this? Oh, my God.

Is this mundane of the week? Oh, here you go. Old pence was abbreviated to a D. So nine pence. Which is one. Oh, I don't understand it, Rob. Nine D. She spunked nine D on this, this grandmother.

This one, nine D. Nine D's a lot for a woman. But do you know what? She's got her money's worth over 50 years. Right, nine D in current sterling. We're doing it. This is how mental old money is. But Google, I've put nine D in current sterling.

Do you know what Google's predicted? Two shillings and sixpence in today's money. Listen to this. How do people live like this? It's according to Wikipedia. So before this day in the United Kingdom, the British pound was made of 20 shillings. Yeah.

Each of which were made up of 12 pence. So it's a 12th of a 20th times nine is your 90. Jeez Louise, count me out. I still don't know why they don't just do seconds in hundreds as well. It'd be easier, wouldn't it? If a minute was 100 seconds and there was 100 minutes in an hour. Yeah. Surely.

Yeah, that would be easier. The sun does get involved. Do you know what? We need another referendum. That's what we need, Rob. And it should be like, it shouldn't be 24 hours in a day. It should be like 20 or 10. But then I don't know how that works.

I've not done the maths, but what I'm saying is, let's do decimalisation on time. Let's do decimalisation on time. Quarter past five. My mum used to say five and 20 to three. What the fuck is that? Not 25 to three. She would do five and 20 to 3, she'd say.

Why did she say that? Well, she used to say, better than Shanks' pony. Have you ever heard that? No. Better than walking. Hark at him. Hark at him. I've heard that.

You've heard that? All right, mate. God. I'm not accusing you of not being down with the youth. That's funny as well. We were talking about hype beasts weren't we with faye ripley and um someone thought we said height beasts and they were googling it to try and find out what it meant and they felt older even older than they did before do you know what rob yes mate we've got another one here someone's had some tabasco sauce priced in shillings as well i didn't think people liked it spicy in the old days listen to this, listen to this before we crack on, Josh.

Six D, so sixpence, known as a tanner or half a shilling. Two shillings or one florin, colloquially known as two bob bit. Two shillings and sixpence, usually said as two and six or half a crown. The value could also be spoken as half a crown, but the coin was always a half crown. What the fuck is that? Britain is such a, we are mad, pissed up village bastards. It's mental.

We just, we've all got wacky accents, but live about half a mile away from each other. It's so small. It's just so mental. It's like Lord of the Rings, isn't it? No wonder Americans think Harry Potter's real. Do you know the weirdest thing? You speak to an old person, Rob, occasionally.

You talk to them about old money. They totally get it. Yeah, and they go, it was easier back then. Was it? Fuck you, mad bastard. Yeah. Imagine being American and coming to the UK to get your shillings back and like you've given

a hundred dollars and it's like, here's your two, pop up your ass, sticky poo. Nine a crown, half a tum, off we go.

Just to get on the tube. What's the tube? It's an underground train, mate. Get on board, we're mad fuckers here. What do you drink? Pints. What's a fucking pint?

About half a litre, but we won't changeints! What's a fucking pint? About half a litre, but we won't change it. It's a fucking pint, mate. Oh, dear. I'm tired now. Right,

who have we got, Josh? Charlie Baker. Oh, another accent. He's near you, isn't he? He is.

He's from Newton Abbott, which is probably about eight miles from me. Is it? I thought he's quite a bit more Cornish than you. Is he Cornish? No,

Devon. No, he's Devon. I'm Devon, but he puts it on a bit more Cornish than you. Is he Cornish? No, Devon. No, he's Devon. I'm Devon. But he puts it on a bit more. He's got a stronger accent. Yeah, but you're trying to fit in with the metropolitan East London media elite. You've got to remember, I spent the first three years of my life in London, Rob.

You did? Oh, yeah, you did. Oh, no, well, actually, I spent some in London, some in Bristol. But, yeah. Fruppney bits all over the place, wasn't it? Exactly. Fruppney bit, too, Bob Arford, uncle. See you later.

Isn't the Fruppney Bit as well a euphemism? Yeah, I don't know if that's money or some sort of misogynistic sex crime. Yeah. Anyway, here's Charlie Baker. Charlie Baker, come on down. Hello. Hello. That was such a nice intro.

Did you like come on down? Are you off to the Price is Right job? Is that what it is? It's gone. Alan Carr's got it, Josh. You can't do it. Well, also as well, you invited Charlie. Like you introduced him at the beginning of like an ITV quiz show

and now it's his turn to walk up. So come on down. But we should have a better intro. Charlie Baker, comedian, singer. quiz show and now it's his turn to walk up so come on down but we should have a better intro charlie baker so comedian singer you do jazz actor radio host you've got it you've got it all yeah very average and lukewarm at all of those people like that and they like that and it's just stay warm someone early on in my career said never be hot just stay warm just stay warm yeah because being hot implies you will cool down and that could really you know yes that's a great good advice philosophy it's a really good advice i'd say you're i'd say you've got funny bones

though charlie you're a funny person thanks which sometimes you don't have some people manage to get away without having that, but you're a very funny man. And you've got two children. Is that correct? I've got two children. Yes. With a nine year gap in the middle.

Oh, how old are they now? My son is 14, which is like, it's like living. He's can probably hear me. So I have to be, cause I'm not really allowed to talk to him or about him.

So that this is going out as well, Charlie. So even if you do keep your voice down, hear me so i have to be because i'm not really allowed to talk to him or about him right so that this is going out as well charlie so even if you do keep your voice down there is an opportunity for him to hear yeah for the rest of all time um the internet's forever isn't it yeah i know it's like living at the moment with the staff of a french restaurant in Paris, right? Have you ever been to Paris? Everyone's so amazingly rude that you have to admire it. You have to absolutely go, that is some unbelievable rudeness there.

But you also get like the maitre d' at the front who is amazingly charming. So some days he'll come down and it'll be like the maitre d at the front who is amazingly charming um so some days he'll come down and it'll be like the maitre d will be here like the most charming person you've met in your life is an absolute joy to have him in the house absolutely beautiful and then he'll ask for like 20 quid or something and it'll be fine but you know like and then sometimes it's like having that rude waiter who doesn't speak to you, just looks at you like you're an absolute idiot, just does not want to speak to you ever again. Don't embarrass me in front of my friends.

You know, all those things. And then sometimes- It's peak hating Danver mode. And then you get the like executive chef, full Gordon Ramsay. You are a bastard. I hate you. Just absolute, absolute.

And then at the end of it, just a beautiful, sometimes a great big cuddle or, you know, I'm sorry, dad. And we have a big cuddle and I love you. And,

you know, then we sit and watch the football, you know, and then it's all lovely again. Then I have cheese on toast. I will have cheese on toast, you know, but that's what it's like living with a teenager.

Can I just say that the highlight of your relationship with your son is you have cheese on toast, you know, but that's what it's like living with a teenager. Can I just say that the highlight of your relationship with your son is you have cheese on toast sometimes. Do you have anything special on the cheese on toast? I like, I just like your classic cheese on toast, strong cheddar, six, six, because they do it in numbers now.

Your six strong cheddar. Six strength. They love a bit of strong cheese down south, don't they? With a little bit of Marmite on the bread. Oh, so you did say classic, but then actually you've absolutely ripped off the rule book. Yeasty wild card.

Mad yeast inspired bastard. Bit of Heinz on there, but a little bit of Heinz tomato sauce as well. Can I ask a question that is a dispute in my house? Do you toast the toast on both sides before putting the cheese on?

I am lazy, right? We haven't got a microwave anymore. You don't do it in the microwave. I'll tell you what I used to do. Oh, you animal. Bread in the toaster, put the cheese on, in the microwave for 20 seconds seconds bang but it isn't you've lost all the toast it isn't as good it isn't as good but if you're like me and just

like an emotional eater and just need to shove something just shove something in your face to stop the feelings. So far, the entire chat, the Spokesman Back Kids has been off a restaurant analogy and now on to cheese on toast. But you've lost loads of weight. Are you still ripped or did you hammer yourself

in lockdown? His son's been away so he's been eating less cheese on toast. I'm gluten-free and I've discovered that... How are you having cheese on toast? Not through choice. Gluten-free bread, Rob. But I've discovered that... Are you having cheese on toast? Not through choice. Gluten-free bread, Rob.

But I've discovered that... Sorry for your loss. Corona lager. Corona lager. They don't advertise it. Is gluten-free. Oh, is it? That's been a disastrous thing to find out.

Finally some good corona news. Am I right, guys? Ah, a bit of fun. I love it. Just a bit of fun. I can see why you're on that weekly topical show. But everyone warns you about teenagers, right?

Everyone warns you and you think I can cope with that. I know moody people. You know, I've been in the arts my whole life. I've seen, you know, moody people. It's unbelievable because you can't,

first few times, you can't believe't first few times you can't believe the rudeness and you can't believe the speed of it it's like a sort of shark attack i've never been attacked by a shark by a mat i imagine it's quite fast um yeah i can't help but feel that you'd be having cheese on toast for the shark afterwards exactly do you take it to heart i take it to heart if it's at my wife or our five-year-old daughter if it's at me if it's at me i can sort of just just take it and go okay that's all right yeah that's all right but if it's if it's rude my one rule is don't be rude to mum you know do not be rude to mum and it's like if it's and then i will i will suddenly go you know and i'm a pretty i would say i'm a 50 50 parent 50 percent you go, you know, and I'm a pretty, I would say I'm a 50-50 parent.

50%. You know, do you know that? You haven't got full custody. Sorry to go to football again. Have you ever seen that quote that sometimes may be good, sometimes may be shit? You ever seen that?

Who's that? I don't know. An Italian footballer. It's Gattuso. It's Gattuso. Yeah, yeah. He's a manager. They go, and they ask him, what do you think of his defence? And he goes, I don't know. It's an Italian. It's Gattuso. It's Gattuso. Yeah. Yeah. He's a manager. They go,

what? And they ask him, what do you think of his defense? And he goes, I don't know. Sometimes maybe good. Sometimes maybe shit. And that is basically my parenting style.

I will sometimes go, Oh, that was awful. That was a really bad bit of parenting. And then my wife would give me like a little tip of how to deal with something. And I'll do that tip. And I'll go, I am brilliant at this. I am absolutely brilliant. wife will give me like a little tip like of how to deal with something and i'll do that tip and i'll go i am brilliant at this i am absolutely brilliant at this well have you got examples of when it's

gone wrong and then when you've now um well it's it's always she's really good at just saying pick your battles that is the key with a teenager pick your battles and just don't try and be their friend. It's just letting a lot of stuff go. You just have to let a lot of stuff go, take the frozen amendment and just let it go. Cause it's like, you're not going to win because the argument is, is not lucid.

It's not, they don't mean it. It's pure emotion. It's just pure emotion. And hormones as well. Oh yeah, yeah, exactly. And he's grown. He's nearly emotion it's just pure emotions as well oh yeah yeah exactly and he's grown he's nearly he's nearly taller than me now what five five kids are bigger though aren't they they are bigger now aren't they i think we're getting smaller i am getting i am i am getting smaller but but they are massive now.

These kids walk, because we live on a high street. And so the kids walk home from school and they are all six foot plus. It is unbelievable. They are massive now. I think, you know, like a hard nut from school. I think a hard nut year eight could beat me up. Oh, definitely. Yeah.

Well, actually, sometimes like Stan plays in a football team. He's a keeper, isn't he? Goalkeeper. He's a goalkeeper. Yeah. Well, actually, sometimes Stan plays in a football team. He's a keeper, isn't he? Goalkeeper? He's a goalkeeper, yeah. But one of the hard lads in his year plays in this team, right? And I like him, right? I like him. But sometimes...

You don't have to be scared of him. No, no, no. But this is the thing. I'm just trying to temper what I say. I like him, but not when he takes my cheese on tail. No, but the thing is, right, it is the thing. You know he's like the hard lad in the ear, right? And if he turns up in your house, it's a bit like,

yeah, hello, yeah, all right, um. Sort of feel a bit like, oh, God, oh, no. Because he's just genuinely hard, you know. It's like when you go to the pub and someone introduced you to their really hard mate and you have to you're a bit scared even though they're being nice you just know yeah yeah you're like embarrassed that you put marmite he goes have you put marmite on this cheese on the sauce you take him with some sort of mud charlie i can legally buy beer um if you want some ever smoked ever smoked

have you got to that point though Charlie so is beer a thing yeah he's 14 so we're pretty open it's cider at 7 isn't it yeah I thought it was we're pretty open we have no bad words

just bad intentions we have that with swearing what's that no bad words, just bad intentions. We have that with swearing. What's that? No bad words, just bad intentions. So with swearing, it's like it is just words, isn't it? It is just words. But if you call me a c***, then that's a bad intention, isn't it? Yeah, that is bad.

But the word itself is like, well, you know, maybe don't say it. So would you allow him to use it in a positive way? Maybe not. What the hell, you old c***? I mean, if my mum comes around and he says that, I think it's going to go badly. Yeah, it is bad, isn't it? Hard kid comes around, he's like, suck your mum.

You're like, okay, yeah, sit there if you want. No, no, no. But do you think it's hard for him because he's got this cute, like, younger sister that, you know. Yeah, it's really hard. It's really hard for him, Rob, yeah. Was he jealous a bit? Is he not jealous, but is it, you know.

He's always been as good as gold, you know. He's always been, he's a really lovely, you've met him, he's a lovely boy. Yeah, he's a really good kid. He's an absolutely lovely, lovely lad. Always has been been he is really good with people you know he's like a natural host and he's funny and he makes up good jokes and he's you know and he's he's he's a really lovely lovely lad um like and when we because

we struggled to have our second child we had we had a few problems having our second child so much so i'd given up having a second child um completely become at peace with it and written a show for Edinburgh called Just The One about how great it was having one child and how only children were the future and how we should all have only children and also the terrible thing of calling kids only children like they're the only one oh only you oh bad luck. You know? So I wrote a show about that.

And of course, the moment I'd written that show and paid my Edinburgh money, we got pregnant with another child. So straight away. So. But you're a lazy comic. So you went through with the show anyway. I did do it anyway.

Yeah. I did do it anyway. And I just. Those audiences don't know, do they? There'll be someone listening to this going, cheeky bastard. I saw that. He did a big sad bit at the end.

What a wanker. So was it, so with the second, did you try IVF and stuff like that? Or was it just, it wasn't happening and then it did? So we had three miscarriages, which one was about 20 weeks. Oh, man. And at the scan as well. We were at the scan. Oh, that's brutal.

Sorry, Charlie. No, it's fine. It was just no heartbeat. And you go and you then realize no one ever talks about that. And that's actually why we should talk about it. I think it's good. It's one, it's something like one in two or one in three pregnancies and ends in

miscarriage. And it is really hard. A on you as a, as a couple, very, very tough on women. Really, really pretty brutal.

I think the physical, the physicality of it. And the first time it happens, you're like, oh, that's sad. Because with Stan, we got pregnant straight away. It wasn't even an issue. And then a couple of years later, we went, oh, we tried again. And it sort of happened pretty quickly. And then we had the miscarriage and you go, oh, that's sad.

That's really sad. And I didn't expect it. But, you know, as they say in football, we go again. You know, you try and move forward and make it a positive. And then after the second one, it's like, oh, that's really hard. Actually, that's hard again. And then we stopped trying again for a bit. Yeah, emotionally it must be so's like oh that's really hard actually that's that's hard again and then we stop trying again for a bit yeah emotionally it must be so just too hard yeah just too hard on you you know you know and also then it starts to affect your relationships relationship with your

with your with our son you know and and you sort of think well he's enough this is enough you know you know we're not a happy family this is enough and Did he know what was going on, Charlie? No, no, not at all. No, not at all. And then the third one, we were, you know, you get a bit of hope, you know. You get a bit of hope. And that was the one we went, that's it, we'll stop now. Because it was just too hard. Yeah.

For that one, Sam had to go into hospital to have a dnc and all those things and sorry what's it just a dnc is where they have to actually remove the the fetus you know and and also when you're in hospital things didn't need to ask for clarification no it's fine no it's fine mate no no look this is good because people listen to this and they don't know how it and and and people who go through it it is really really difficult but there are a lot of people we sat there waiting for that and it was christmas time and you know you've got uh it's christmas on the on the radio you know and you and you're surrounded by like there was like a 16 year old girl like sitting in the corner like sobbing

waiting to to go in and have her scan and um and like there was one woman came out the scan with her husband fucking hell darren another fucking boy right all this sort of stuff and you're sitting there you're just surround you're just surrounded by life because it's what it is it's life and then we went in for the scan and there was nothing and And it was really, that was a hard one. That was a hard one to take. And then we went, right, we'll stop. I think we'll stop. Where we live in Oxford,

there's a brilliant charity called the Silver Star Charity, which helps women before, during and post pregnancy. And they spoke to us and said, look, you now qualify for our help. If you want our help, you can speak to the specialists. We thought, well, let's take it to the end because we're not getting it. I'm 44. You know, Sam was 40 when we had our daughter. So you're not getting any younger.

We thought, let's take it to the end. Let's just, let's just see. They said, let's take it to the end. Let's just, let's just see. They said, there is no reason you can't have another child. You've just been pretty unlucky. So we went, right,

we'll have. And then when we got pregnant again, that charity just gave us scans whenever we wanted them. So whenever we felt so, so, so really, really amazing charity. And then she turned up.

Got annoyed with you twice a day, weren't you, Charlie? Yeah, I was in there. Camp Dell. Bringing in other women and charging them. I'll consult you a scan. A little backstreet service. And then, of course, that pregnancy was. Were you ever, can I ask, were you ever comfortable in that pregnancy?

Never, never, never, ever. Were you ever, can I ask, were you ever comfortable in that pregnancy? Never, never, never, ever. And so you're in that, you know, I know people who've lost children and lost and had stillbirth. And I know people who've had miscarriages. And it has been in our life, that conversation. And A, the first thing that happens when it happens to you is you want to get pregnant.

You know, people get pregnant and they want to get pregnant. And so they want to, they want to have a child. That urge, the animal instinct takes over. But those pregnancies just feel so long. That, that, that, that nine months just felt you are day in, day out, every hour. You are just sort of ticking it off, ticking each day off. And you, we just went for walks and walks and walks and talked and talked and talked the whole thing i mean you know me and

my wife we really get on we we absolutely love each other and and we really get on it's such a great way of describing it well you know no but you know some people don't believe some people absolutely hate each other. We really get on. Just calm down until they're 18 and then we can go our separate ways. But we didn't tell anybody until quite late on, like, past the second scan, you know, like a month past the second scan. But we told Stanley first.

We got him home from school. And, of course, we thought he was so big. You know, he's nine. He's massive. He can cope with this, you know. But he's nine. Look at it now. Oh, my God.

It's just a little boy. You know, he's just a tiny little boy. But we sat him down after school and we've got some news. And he went, all right. And he went, is mum okay? That was his first thing, yeah. And then he. The kick in the jam was for you, Sean. No, no, no. Exactly. Um, and then he, I mean, the kick in the jam was for you.

You know, exactly. It's fine. Look after your mom. Uh, and I, and we said, we're going to have a baby.

And he just, he, his eyes filled with tears and he put his arm, he put his arms around Sam's neck and he just, and my, and then my neck. And he said, I'm just so happy for the two of you. Oh, what i mean what a great what a grown-up response what an empathetic response and i was i've never been

proud of him and that is just what he's like and he's never been jealous of her he's never is of course it's difficult and and also you want them to be siblings you know you want them to have that yeah but yeah that was his instant reaction and it was just so joyous when she was born you know holding her because he's big enough to hold her yeah yeah that's that's that's our story so it's a bit much yeah oh wow well i think that's really good of you to share with people so i think a lot of people that listen to this away so funny aren't i so naturally funny darling little tip. If you're going to do that in Edinburgh, you're going to need to gag

it up a little bit. Just a little bit. Do a bit of naughty holder stuff around the It's Christmas bit. What's going on with his bloody sideboards? Needs a little callback to the toast or something, you know. I don't think the description of the DNC is needed

in the stage show. But apart from that, great know. Yeah. I don't think the description of the DNC is needed in the stage show. But apart from that, great show all around. Really funny. So how was it, though, as a parent, when you've got like a grown-up, I know he's nine, but not a baby, and you're straight back to nappies again. Had it all changed? No, you really regret it, yeah. You really regret it.

Well, there must have been slight guilt though, like because you've wanted this second child for so long and been through so much that when it is hard and you're going, oh, for God's sake, you sort of have to switch back in and be sort of like, you know, so happy that it's happened. It's a weird, it must be a weird feeling. You're out of the woods. You know that, you know, you've got kids and josh is about to have another little one uh and you're out of the woods and you

go oh good we don't we don't think you know when they're nine it's like oh they get themselves up and you know you you can they can sort of put themselves to bed and you can go on holiday and have a beer and they can just mess about in the park. You know, you are like, you're free again, you know, and then to get ourselves back in that locked in situation. I'm like, Oh no. But she, but she, she,

bad luck, Josh. Well, I'm not out of the woods though. No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

that's the thing. I am. I am out of the woods. You're out of the woods. Tie a knot in it, Rob. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Tie a knot in it. I am. I am out of the woods. You're out of the woods. Tie a knot in it, Rob. Oh, absolutely. Tie a knot in it. I might get it all snipped off,

but someone said your balls are forever, but I think that might be the urban myth. Well, this sounds like a bit of material. This isn't a bit of material. I went to the doctors. Tell you what didn't sound like a bit of material, the last 10 minutes of this podcast, Charlie. Is it Charlie Bacon live in the Apollo.

A bit heavy. I went to the doctor and I said, I want a vasectomy. And they went, oh, we don't do it on the NHS anymore in Oxfordshire. I was like, oh, right. I said, do you have any idea how much it costs? And she went, well, ballpark figure.

I went, ballpark? Nothing. Not a thing. Not a thing from the doctor. I thought this is a good bit. I've smashed this. Nothing. I got nothing from her.

Anyway, 700 quid is the answer. 700 quid. But you know what? It's a big saving. Oh, yes. Cheaper than a kid. So did you go through with it, Charlie? No, no.

I haven't had it done yet. No, because lockdown hit. Yes, is the thing. Lockdown hit. But I am definitely going to do it because I do not want any more. Tell you what, the arrogance, Charlie. A while ago, you were like, not, I do not want any more. Tell you what, the arrogance, Charlie, a while ago,

you were like, Oh, I really want a second kid. Now you're like, Oh, I don't know. I'm so desperate not to have a kid. I am done.

I am done. Even if my, when Sam eventually kicks me out and she's had enough of me and, and I am like never having any, I'm not going to be one of these 55 year old men who like as a, you know, 21 year old, it looks exhausting.

Oh God. It's just such a huge mistake. It's just such a huge mistake. Imagine, imagine, imagine if you were divorced and you've got, you know, them young girlfriends and they're like,

oh, you're in a pub having a drink. They're like, I'm just going to meet my mates over in, over in North London. You're like, oh, fuck off.

You've only just sat down. Unbelievable. We're not getting a cab over to a house party. Fuck me. Must be. But also, when you see me

in like little trendy jeans trying to keep up. Super dry cap. It's not, I don't feel, I don't, I don't like envy them or I just feel,

I feel sorry for them. Not because like, oh, that's sad. You've had a midlife crisis. It's just like, you just must be knackered, mate. You must be absolutely exhausted. Are you ever allowed to just sit in your pants and like just watch Jeff Stellin? Do you? So now, Charlie, at five and 14.

Yeah. Do you feel like you're through the toughest period then? Yeah, nearly. Yeah, yeah. Well, so let me say, it's been very different. Stanley is very like me, full of energy, like nonstop. When I was growing up, I just could not stop moving, full of energy all the time. Do you mean when you were growing up?

No, no, pretty similar now. You know, it's pretty nonstop. And it's just something inside me that cannot sort of stop and i have to tire it out i have to tire myself out uh and i see that in stanley as well stanley's got that it's just constantly like needs something to do so needs attention needs this you know whatever um whereas um our daughter betty she's very like Sam and Sam's very calm, very thoughtful, has real insight into things. And, and, and, and Betty's very like that. And she can live in her head a bit more and she'll, she'll come up with little stories and songs and stuff like that. Just very, very, quite a peaceful presence, you know? Um, and, uh, it's

really difficult to have this conversation without going and and my my i absolutely adore my son but my daughter really is a dream come true i think it's just at the age the age you're at i imagine if we spoke to you in 10 years time oh and she's 15 it's a very different story. Do you think that's a second child thing? Because. I think, yes. I think, you know, do you know what? You know, I think I'm sure you know more.

No, I disagree. My second one is a lunatic. But do you know what? That's Rob. But Rob, that's because you're more relaxed because you've done it once. You've learned. You've learned how to do it. It's your difference between your first gig and your hundredth gig. more relaxed because you've done it once you've learned you've learned how to do it it's just

it's your difference between your first gig and your 100th gig you know it's still you doing jokes but you're a lot more relaxed on your 100th gig than you are on your first that's why she's got eyes she's got our eyes are mental you just you just look at she's she's she's a mirror what exactly she's basically, what exactly? She's basically me. Or a teeth like. That's it. But, what's your, what's your boy into though?

Is he like a 14? Is he, is he picked a style? Oh, scootering. Big scoot, yeah, big,

he's, he's, look, he's, it's really difficult to talk about him without. Is his hard mate round? Are you worried? No,

no, no, he is, he is, I absolutely. Imagine if Charlie gets wedged. Love his podcast. It's really difficult to talk about him without... Is his hard mate round? Are you worried? No, no, no. He is absolutely... Imagine if Charlie gets wedged halfway through the podcast. Just see if I'm getting weighed in. I love his bones. No, I love his bones.

We know you love your kid, but... Yeah, I know, yeah. No, no, no. He's really into scootering. He loves scootering and skate parks and that sort of stuff. All right. And also, he's started to choose his own style and stuff. And he looks really cool.

And now I'm like, oh, you look really good. You look really good. He wears this all at the moment. They all wear, all the scooters and skaters wear Dickie's clothes. You know, the work wear. We had some work done in the house the other day. And this carpenter turned up in Dickie's trousers and a Dickie's jacket. And I'm like, oh, Stan, look, he dresses like you.

See, that's the sort of thing that winds up. Oh, yeah, he would hate that. You see, that's it. I can see you being an annoying dad, though, because you've got the energy and just jokes all the time. Sam says, I chuck bombs in. She's like, you fall to yourself. You go in there, you'll chuck a hand grenade in.

You'll say something like, and you don't know you're doing it, but you'll do it. And then it's your own fault. And then I have to deal with it. And it's like, yeah, you're absolutely right. Do you show off?

Do you, do you, do you show off in front of his mates when they come on? No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, to see it rob you probably can can you juggle i can juggle of course he could juggle i had a very lonely childhood um but no uh five year old daughter as well though you're seeing all the you're seeing all films and stuff again you get i like i like watching all the disney stuff with them and that sort of stuff as well so you really see it when you see a good film that's the other thing with stan now showing him like know, all the old school films. I like that. Indiana Jones and like Planes, Trains and Automobiles and all those sorts of things.

How different is your childhood to your childhood in Devon? Not that different because we live pretty, really. You know, we live in a little market town. It's not actually that different, I would suggest. What's he like on like devices and stuff like that oh yeah oh yeah that's been but that's been brilliant you know that's been brilliant no it has because it gives him i don't know what i'd have done in the in a year-long pandemic yeah you know just sat on my own they can go and sit and talk to each other you know online gaming i think it's really sociable unless you know they're sort of

safe we're in especially for a lockdown what is he playing fortnight fortnight yeah which is brilliant isn't it i haven't played that i play warzone oh don't play it rob because you'll get addicted um this is the trouble i said i have to sit there going don't play this is no good for you at all absolutely no good for you at all what let's see this is awful for you shoot and then right get my go now right give me a go and then and then and then call of duty of course he plays as well and he loves that yeah i've got that i've now got that on my phone because i'm like yeah because i'm like this is brilliant this is exactly the game i wanted as a child he just like i think he likes the social element of it and i was gonna say that because i got into

it in lockdown and it's just the way it's the same way as my wife will whatsapp voice note her friends all night whilst something's on on the background and telly and i just sit there and i'd sometimes i'm not even playing a game just chatting to my mates i quite like it when i get shot and i get to watch them yeah he's taking the pressure off like that's the thing and that for him is like oh that that has been a bit of a godsend really because it's like, oh, you're not on your own. You're not alone. I mean, it can be awful as well.

Some of the stuff. If I ever put his headphones on and hear what they're all saying to each other, I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah. Well, when you're like on days out, because I've got two kids that are quite close together and two girls and they're quite into the same stuff. So if you're on holiday on a day out or going to like a theme park or something,

obviously at that age they can't go on the same rides. They might be into different things. Do you find yourself just sort of pairing off with each of them? A bit, but he's old enough actually to sort of go off on his own a bit. That is the tricky thing. They are at different ages. So you end up sort of trying not to just fall between two stools. You sort of have to go, right, this is for you, this bit,

and this bit is for you, you know. Because you don't want to take him on Dunbar Ride, but then you can't take the five-year-old on Space Mountain. Well, he quite likes it. We all enjoyed Peppa Pig World. I did, didn't you? Well, you know. I want to go in there.

I might be going in the summer, actually. I'm going down to a caravan park. Who's your favourite? I absolutely hate Peppa Pig, but I quite like how it engages my kids. Yeah, good. We like Bluey. They're a big fan of Bluey.

Oh, that's brilliant. That Australian one, that's great. Yeah, it is great. But the other day, Betty said, Dad's not as fun as Bluey's dad. And I'm like, oh, this isn't good. Oh, wow. I said, they only film Bluey's dad i said when he's not

on his phone and stuff you know when he's being fun you know that's that you tweet that's one of the worst defenses i've ever heard no it's like because blue bluey's dad is like he's got real you know when you were are either of you an uncle yes yes yeah and did you have a lot more energy when you were an uncle than when you were a parent? Oh, yeah. And yeah, as an uncle, if you're an uncle without kids, you are like Superman. When you're an uncle with kids, I'm just like, I've got my own. You deal with it.

Yeah, exactly that. Your kids are lovely. They're lovely kids. I've got no time for them whatsoever because I'm sick of my own ones. Can I have 10 minutes off the kids now? Yeah, exactly. Do you want a sleepover? Should we bring them over?

No, why double the number in my house? So I think Bluey has got real uncle energy as a parent. It's like, I don't think, I don't reckon he's like that all the time. They should do an episode where Bluey's really cross, just wants to sit on his phone on Twitter for a couple of hours. Maybe he's got a hangover from the night before. All those things, you know. Normal dad stuff.

Just normal dad stuff. It's like Instagram bodies. You've got to have a realistic body on Instagram so that people don't feel like they're letting themselves down. We need realistic dad figures on the telly so we don't look shit. Because they took Peppa Pig the other way. Daddy Pig in Peppa Pig is just like constantly lazy and rubbish. figures on the telly so we don't look shit because they took pepper pig the other way daddy pig and pepper pig is just like the just like constantly lazy and rubbish you know no you need the happy

medium in the middle but no one would watch it with their no yeah exactly and mr bull mr bull is my favorite in pepper pig anyway have you done any like kids because you're i could imagine you doing like kids tv or stuff like that charlie you've got that kind of that energy about you have you done anything like that i can't i know you say i can't remember um i don't think you've got the right energy for it though because you are happy and smiley but you're funny and quite cynical and a bit angry about stuff but you do what i do which is on paper with a happy-go-lucky one, but actually we are ranting through a smile on stage. Yeah, I could imagine, though, Charlie,

I could imagine you hosting Down on the Farm. Oh, I'd do Down on the Farm. Oh, no, I'd love that. That's easy. Me and Charlie are built for that. Well, that would be, Rob, is like town and country, wouldn't it? Yeah. Town and country.

Come on, come and look at the countryside, Rob. Alright, here we go. Let's go and have a little look. Oi, oi, I got me new wellies on. I've stepped in some cow poo. Oh no. Oh shit. Sounds shitty.

It's gone on my new Reebok classic. Let's go back to the city. Alright then, what's going on here? Charlie, classic. Let's go back to the city. All right, then. What's going on here? Charlie, you don't need to do an impression of yourself. Jeffro's lawyers are inside. Yeah. I've had to dandle. I've had to dandle.

Well, that's quite a good idea for a kids' TV show. Isn't it? Town and country. Town and country. Yeah, that'd be good. Lovely stuff. Lovely stuff. We've got that on record now if they see it. That't it? Town and country. Yeah, that'd be good. Lovely stuff. We've got that on record now if they see it. That's it now, we've pitched that. Yeah, when Julia Donaldson nicks it, she loves it.

Oh yeah, that's the thing, I'll tell you what books are shit, the David Walliams books. Oh my God. I've not read them, are they? Oh my God, they are utterly shit. They spoil reading they make people they honestly he's one of them's good like one of which is there's like one good one and like the rest are utter shit there was a point when that was the only children's book that was

like advertised or on sale or whatever and they're always like you know john and the jumping granddad plane or something you know and it's oh god and they are so badly written they're offensive oh i can't bear i can't bear the book i think think they, then you read something good. You read like a good book, like, cause they're, they're, they're like,

they, to me, they're like rolled dial ripoffs basically. Right. No, but you read like bed knobs and broomsticks or something, or like, uh,

the borrowers and they're amazing. They make you clever. They're brilliant stories. Look, to be, to be positive, the boy in the dress is good. There we are.

I'll tell you that. We'll snip that bit out. Um, Charlie, your son, Rob said earlier, is a goalkeeper with a football team. Yes, yes. What's it like? I think this might be the first person we've spoken to who must stand on the sidelines. Yeah, yeah. How is that emotionally?

Because particularly a goalkeeper, where really the role of the goalkeeper is often to shoulder the blame if things go wrong. Yeah, that happens a lot. Yeah, yeah. I just stand up. I stand up his end. Does he play at quite a good level, or is it just a so-and-so? He plays in a Sunday morning league in Oxfordshire, and his team, although they're only 12 boys from the same village,

they're really good, and they same village, they're really good. And they've played together since they were seven. And a lot of these teams, as they get older, they just become like Frankenstein teams, like the best players from other teams will join a team. But his team have stayed together. So they are like a true- They're in the class of 92.

Yeah, they are. They are. That's what they're like. And where they live and the area where they live, they're good. They're really good. But that football, it's utterly, utterly ridiculous. I mean, it's brilliant.

It's brilliant to watch it when they're playing well and everybody's happy and it's all going along nicely. But the amount you have to stand behind a line, because people, you do get cross. I mean, for the first, this isn't a COVID thing. No, no,

no, no, no, no. It's a behavior. You've got a technical area as a parent. The parents behavior issue, right?

Oh, wow. And where do you come on the scale of problematic parents? well, this is the thing I am right into it. You know, I'm right into it. I love,

I love sport and I'm an enthusiastic, loud person. And I would say in the first 10 games, I probably got a bit too into it a couple of times. Out of 10, a problematic parent scale. Not problematic, just noisy, loud, never aggressive, but just noisy. Would all the things you shout be positive towards the team? I have always been positive. I have always been positive. What about the referee? Sometimes, early on, when you start out, you go, oh God,

because you take the terraces onto it. So I'm talking a long time ago now, but as you go on, you go, you look utterly ridiculous. Or you see someone else lose it, you know, or you see another dad lose it or whatever. And you go, oh my God. So you just stop it. It just stops because you just go, you look utterly ridiculous.

But it's, I don't know, there's something about it. It does get inside you. And it's really exciting when they're playing and it's your lads and it's your boy. It's really exciting, you know, when they win and when they score and they're in tournaments. And it's very unlike watching sport in any other way. So what is like if you're Wayne Rooney's dad or whoever's dad? Yeah, Judy Murray. If you're Judy Murray, it must be.

I mean, I've met Judy Murray and she's a very calm woman and very, very even in her place. Judy Murray, it must be. I mean, I've met Judy Murray and she's a very calm woman and very, very even in her praise. Judy Murray, why do you know his mum? Is that why she looks so confused at Wimbledon? If you're at that level, it must be so difficult. But you must have watched hours and hours and hours of them playing sport, driven them. This is what you realise as well, that the sacrifice that sports people's parents make is just unbelievable the one you don't want them to get in what you don't want your kids to get into is swimming

you don't want them to be good at swimming i thought you said women no no no no swimming no swimming's horrible it's hot and sweaty yeah yeah and they're inside for hours and then you watch them and they're underwater for most of it and it's like hours and hours of you have to get up really early to go and to go and practice and stuff you know it's too much but also i've got a friend whose daughter is a um almost olympic level pistol shooter and he says that i said i said oh that must be unbelievable must be brilliant and brilliant. And he went, it's awful, right? Because you're just in some leisure center somewhere. And you're not next to them.

They're like the other side of the hall, just on their bit. They shoot twice, like doof, doof. And then that's it. And it's just quiet. It's no excitement. I was like, oh, God. Oh, God. So there's loads of stuff. Did he say excitement. I was like, oh, God. Oh, God. So there's loads of stuff.

Did you say how she got into that? Yeah, yeah. She turned up with like a Cubs evening at this shooting range for like a Cubs night out. And she got very close on her second go to breaking the club record. Brilliant at it. Like an absolute natural at it. What a strange thing to be brilliant at. Yeah.

Charlie, we're going to have to wrap up. We've got one last question. Thank you as well for being so honest earlier. I think a lot of people will really appreciate that and it will help a lot of people. So thanks for that. Either parents of girls that are into shooting. Yeah, exactly.

We have an Olympic level shooting kid. The question was, it's called Crosby's Law and it's the thing that annoys you girls that are into shooting yeah exactly the other olympic level shooting kid um the question was um it's called crosby's law and it's a the thing that annoys you about your partner's parenting that you've never had the guts to tell her that frustrates you slightly and this is your you know moment um to say if you did listen back you could maybe trouble is trouble is rob and this is genuinely the answer and josh will back me up as well on this is i i genuinely can't find anything ever wrong with my wife's parenting she's a really really brilliant i know this isn't the answer you want no no it's funny if it is the answer what would she say about you oh just

too over overly emotional uh dropping bombs all the time and then sort of expecting for it to be cleared up not holding myself together enough you know not parenting enough perhaps yeah you know being too fun trying to not even that just trying to be like i want to do this basically stop being an attention-seeking comedian yeah yeah but at the same time you know i'm full of love and i love my kids. Of course you do. You're a brilliant dad. I've seen you with Stan up in Edinburgh and that, and he absolutely adores you. So I'm sure it's just a 14-year-old being annoying at this stage.

Give it four years, Charlie. You'll be back in the good books. Exactly. You can buy me a pint in four years. Yeah. Four years, you can buy me a pint. Imagine that. Lovely stuff. Oh, cheers, Charlie. Thanks so much, mate. Thanks, Charlie. Yes, lads.