Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP28: "This is only going to get worse..."

Episode Date: April 27, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP28: "This is only going to get worse..."More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Middicombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping.

Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin. And can you say Rob Beckett?

Rob Beckett. There you go. Wow, look at that. That was exceptional. And also, it feels like the child has lost the Scouse accent. Yes, it does. Or hasn't learnt it yet. So that's Heidi.

And Yvonne describes herself as Heidi's very common ma. Hey, love the show. This is my three-year-old and three-month enunciating knives quite fritionally. I moved back to Liverpool a year ago during lockdown from middle-class organic munch in Cardiff to the sugar butties land of Liverpool. I mean, no offence to Cardiff. I was thinking that myself.

I love Cardiff. It's a great city. I would never call it sort of like a hippie utopia. No, no. I don't know if you've been out on a night out in Cardiff. I reckon if I'd said, how do you think this sentence ends? We would have fulfilled the podcast length before you'd glanced at the word Cardiff. I'd push Bristol if you wanted a city.

Yeah, no one leaves Bristol and saying, this is a little bit too mainstream for me. I'm going Cardiff. No, exactly. Yeah, but anyway, so she's moved from Cardiff back to Liverpool. Yes. I'm attempting to reverse My Fair Lady with Heidi and rewarding her dropped syllables. However, she continues to articulate like a well-bred aristocrat. How are you, Rob?

I'm good. I mean, I feel like I've had a pretty good week. You texted me before the episode and just said to me it's been one of the worst weeks of your life and your daughter's completely changed personality is that correct i would describe this as do you ever get to the end of the day and think thank god i will never have to live that again yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah but normally that's for things like funerals yes or you know like quite traumatic events that have happened.

I found myself, I went out to the shed on Sunday. And there's a shed which has got alcohol, garden equipment, tools. And I'd say this shed is the size of maybe a large lift. Okay. And I went into the shed. And I genuinely, I closed the door behind me and i for about a minute i just stood there and imagined what it'd be like if i just lived alone in the shed and how much happier i'd be i just thought you know you know stereotypes yeah and

everyone says like cliches stereotypes they're there for a reason i't know what it is, but men are drawn to a shed. I think it's just, it's the closest building that no one wants to go in. Yes, I'd say. So that's your escape. I was like, I could just, I could probably just sleep on the floor and then I'd wake up. Do you know what? I think that's quite a good thing because they say the wealthiest man is not the man with the most money or the man with the most. It's the man that needs the least

yes and i'd say all you need is the floor of a shed and a bit of some beer and you're happy you're happy with that i'd be so happy what's forcing you there why what's wrong in the house i'd say all of us in the house are not having a good time, Rob. There's no one in the house at the moment who is enjoying their life. Okay. So how pregnant is Rose? Two and a half weeks to go. She can't barely move. She's also.

Yeah, I saw a thing on Instagram. She's using the bumpers like a shelf now. She's at that level of pregnant. Yeah. If she lies in a certain way, she can't breathe using the bumpers like a shelf now she's at that level yeah yeah uh if she lies in a certain way she can't breathe that kind of thing being pregnant is so fucking horrible and it's hard to talk about because we never we can't obviously but we never have but like it's so shit and i do people say it's say how amazing is, and I just look them in the eye and think you're talking fucking bollocks.

Oh, my God. It can't be nice. Absolute crap. There is no way. It seems to me it's as shit as the worst hangover you've ever had combined with the worst injury you've ever had for nine months. It's like going to a music festival, but you have to carry your tent all weekend.

Oh, yeah. You know, you know, when you're like, you're leaving the festival on the Monday morning. Yeah. And you're feeling awful and you've got a fucking bag on your back and you're

carrying a tent. It's not on your back. It's in your stomach. And you know, it's got to come out of your body at some point. I mean, I don't know. Big up to all the preggos out there. Big up to all the preggos out there.

You're doing a wonderful thing. But, Jesus, it looks rubbish. It looks really rubbish. Because sometimes, it's weird, isn't it? There's some things my wife does that looks quite fun. You know when women come in after a long day and take off their bra and they go, oh, that's so good. I'm jealous of that feeling.

I've never experienced it. I look at that and think, oh, what? I mean, I could do that. I could wear a bra all day. The feeling of taking off heels must be amazing as well. Yes, exactly, right? But the feeling of being pregnant is something I don't, oh, fuck that. I can't imagine anything worse.

Fuck that. It looks awful. So Rose is having a terrible time. Yes. And also the whole world is having the best time ever at the moment, aren't they? Yeah. If you look on Instagram, everyone's in pubs, getting drunk, who cares? And also just sitting outside on a wooden stool.

That's hard to be... You can't do that pregnant. No. You can't jostle for a table pregnant along Compton Street. It's only going to get worse as well as the world opens up further. We'll deal with that absolute despair

when it happens, Rob. Yeah. So, yeah, no one's having a good time in your house. Rose is very pregnant. That's where we were at. And my daughter is. So she's very excited about having a younger brother. She keeps talking about it,

but she's really struggling with the fact that Rose can't pick her up. Okay. And can't physically do stuff. Yes. And has to have a nap and stuff like that. And she, it's making her lose her shit to a level. Like it must be very difficult for her.

I understand that, you know, I'm not going to lie. It's a big deal in her life, what's going to happen. There's not much else going on, is there, really? No, no, exactly. To be honest, you know, watching an episode of My World Kitchen isn't really taking up her mind in the way it used to because she knows her life is about to be completely destroyed and and her mum's not cuddling her as much and picking her up in the night and all that yeah okay and so yeah she can't get her out the bath

do you know what can i just say so josh what's what's uh difficult for you this is only going Well, yeah. Well, I've only got one hope, Rob. What's the hope? Which is that when the baby comes, after Rose has recovered and she's able to pick up our daughter and stuff like that, that's my hope that this is going to turn around. Yeah, but then what happens when rose is holding the baby and or breastfeeding the baby well please don't do this i'm just saying but like now rose can't pick up your daughter because it's physically too heavy yeah but going

forward you won't be able to pick up. And that's annoying for your daughter. But when she sees another child being cuddled by Rose, now she's got, she actually, there's an actual physical reason that she can see. I think, I think the truth of the matter is Rob, we've made a mistake.

Yeah. Do you want to go into, do you want to stop here and go in the shed for a bit? Or are you okay to carry on? I would love to be in the shed. I'm broadcasting from the shed at the moment. I haven't been out for two days. Oh, yeah.

So has she been naughty then or is she just crying when she can't get her own way type of thing? She just flips out. Like, she just flips out like she never did before, really. Like, she'd always flip out because she's a child. Yeah. But, like, she's on a hair trigger, shall we say. But like, she's on a hair trigger, shall we say. And if we get through a day without her going absolutely, completely mental, it is a huge victory.

Do you do timeout step? Do you do timeout step? No, we started with no treats if she flips out. I'm not going to lie, Rob. Yeah. She hasn't had many treats this week. Well, we do sometimes, though, like my three-year-old, we stick on the timeout step because there can be a reason, obviously, she wants to be picked up. Take me through the timeout step, Rob.

Well, timeout step would be like, it's normally when they're just losing their shit and being bratty. So it's like, if you want some pudding, you need to eat your dinner. That's a classic one, isn't it, right? Eat some vegetables and you can have your dinner, right? And he goes, but I don't want no veg and just got you know starts just screaming i'm like the situation is if you want pudding you've got to eat that there's no more discussion to have and if you keep screaming let's go right if you keep screaming you're going on the

timeout step whether it's not like it's not punishment for not eating the vegetable but like her behavior just doesn't accept when she's screaming and then sometimes the timeout step is quite good because you put them on the step and they go fucking mental yeah they're on the step and it's contained and then when they quiet calm down then you go right look you need to say sorry this is what you've done this is why you've been here and then they sort of go back and it's sort of like they've been snapped out the situation because they sort of they're so stubborn they get the heels in and then it's just you two going back and forth with the time out step they don't want to go there but it's not it's only there for a couple of minutes,

but they will just scream and go mental there. And then you can let them get it out of the system. Because my oldest, you could distract. My youngest is a bit like me. It just has to scream or she goes mental. So you sort of let it, let it get out of the system. That's, that's what we've been doing. Yeah.

Because it gets to the point where you feel guilty because you feel guilty because, oh, look, Rose is pregnant, so she can't pick her up. We feel bad because it's not her fault. She's just a kid. But she's just got to realise that stuff like this does happen. If Rose had broke her ankle or broke her arm and couldn't pick her up, it'd be the same. And it's sort of like they just have to learn that stuff is a bit annoying,

but you can't scream about it. I'll be honest. You said a point there, and I thought, do I feel like like that when you said you feel sorry for them and you go you do maybe two hours afterwards when you think back you go at the time i'd say i don't feel that sorry for her i'd say at the time i feel sorry for myself i feel very sorry for myself you feel sorry for yourself in that situation i think this is really bad for me that's what i think at that point yeah okay fair enough yeah it's good to be honest isn't it afterwards i think oh god she's having a really tough time but i'd say in the eye of the storm my main concern is can't i just fucking get on with my life without this bullshit but then afterwards

i think poor little girl can't i just get on with my life without all this bullshit that is that that basically sums up parenting yeah it really does but do you know what rob yeah it's magical it's a magical time can i tell you about my saturday and i don't want to feel like i'm gloating but i'm this look at this as sort of like inspiration of like you're a couple years away from essentially a couple of years Right. So this is what happened. Yeah. I went out on Friday night for a few drinks, right? I can talk about that later, but on Saturday,

Lou had a baby shower for a friend in our garden. Yeah. It's rule of six. Don't panic. And I had to take the kids out all day so that she could do this and it just give her a bit of space. So I took the kids. I was going to take them down to my mum's in Marg a bit of space so I took the kids I was going to take them down to my mum's in Margate so I said to my mum I'm going to bring the kids down and she went oh cool yeah dad was saying he might go golf do you want to go golf I was like what she went yeah if you want and then just drop the kids with me I'll look after the kids then you go golf

so Josh on Saturday I had to look after the kids all day so I drove them to my mum's and then just went golf unbelievable and then after golf my dad went do you want to get something to eat we sat in the pub beer garden of the golf course and I had some sausage and eggs and a drink and just sat in the sun and I went back and got my kids picked him up chucked him in the car they fell asleep brought him home gave him to Lou because I'd had him all. And then I went to the pub again and she did bedtime. Oh my God, Rob. What a touch. That is unbelievable.

And then on Sunday, Lou went to me, do you want me to take her little kickers? Because you had them all day yesterday. I went, yeah. Oh my God. Our lives are so different. And on paper, I did most of the parenting at the weekend. Yeah. Because I did All State Saturday. And did Lou know what happened? Yeah, but then she sort of, I mean,

they have said driving range and not an actual full round of golf to her. So I didn't lie. I was at the golf course. And did your mum just look after the two daughters, no questions asked? Yeah, she was fine. They just played in the garden. Oh, my God. For the entire time. And then they went to the park and then they were tired and i just popped him in the car and went

home was there a point in your life when it was like mine yes and i that's what this was the first time i was like oh my god i actually i felt like i was nearly getting out of the woods but at the end now and then once we get the youngest into primary school we're away yeah we're back in the game josh just think you're just five years away from that oh my effing god it's genuinely i can't i don't i don't even want to play golf oh my god and yeah i know that you got trashed on friday because ed gamble told me he said he had one pint with you. Yeah. And then you carried on and you texted him and you'd had like seven cocktails or something mad.

Yeah. Well, Friday day I did a photo shoot for the book cover. Right. And then I'd finished at one o'clock and Paul Sweeney, comedian and barber, he did my hair and he went, oh, I've got a tail book with veg, do you want to go for a beer? And I just feed off the sun and people, Josh. And I had a couple of pints with them.

And then my mate Darren and his mate Dan were like, oh, we're around drinking. I was out till midnight. I rang a gamble shit face and I don't know what I said to him, but I was on the phone for 20 minutes. I drunk. I drunk. They're putting I was on the phone for 20 minutes. I drunk. I drunk. They're putting it out on their food podcast.

Yeah. I drunk 10 pints and seven cocktails. Oh, my God. And then I managed to get to Margate the next day. A little bit worse for you, but I drunk in the day, not the night. So I wasn't over the limit, right? I was hung over at that point. Yeah.

Rule of six. Rule of six. Social distance, of course. Bob's your uncle. No laws were broken. And then I went out again on Saturday, so I was so hung over on Sunday. To the point of, like, if there was another lockdown, I'd be okay with it. Oh, my God.

Can't believe your life. Just to stay in for a bit. But that was my weekend. So, like, we've had a very different week. I feel like I'm hosting this with fucking bears. Where did you go out rob tell me about it so that i can try and live through it vicariously right so we were ed gamble and paul sweeney because they're a little bit media lovey and they had booked a table at exmouth market where it's all a bit fancy in it i was there until they kicked us out and then because basically you

spend the entire day chasing the sun when you're drinking outside i don't know if you've done it yet and then um me and my mate darren and dan were a little bit they're boxers so they're a bit more oi oi and laddy laddy we just went to um old compton street and because i just put tables and chairs out we just found a bench and i sat there for five hours we were so drunk josh at one point, I went to the barman, the waiter, where are those cocktails we ordered?

He went, you've had them. I went, pardon? We went, no, we wanted the sours one because he was working away through the menu. We want the sours one. He went, yeah, that's it. He looked at his iPad.

It came out 18 minutes ago. I went, what, this one? And he smelt my drink. He went, yeah, that's the one. So we drank them and then so it got really messy but it was i got overexcited because it was the first night out i've had from lockdown and stuff but then it was back to you know kids on sunday and stuff but you know last week was it impromptu like had it just you did you think you were doing this night no so

paul said you want a quick beer after the photo shoot? Best of all the nights out. Exactly. And then I went out Saturday, but that one was a planned night out, but I was so hungover. It was very difficult for me to cope, really, in that one. I do feel sorry for you in that situation, Rob. Do you know what time I went to bed on Saturday, Rob?

9.30. Why did you go up at 9.30? Because I just don't know. I just did. I've got parenting stuff to talk about, though though because i don't want all the parents getting annoyed that i'm the new you know i'm the new like party girl around town i'm still doing parenting um can i i've got a couple of things to about parenting before we do the correspondence josh yeah i was put into bed my three-year-old the other night and out of absolutely nowhere just as we were going to bed, I went, no, no, no. She went to me,

monkeys don't wear trousers. She's right. She went, no, monkeys don't need trousers. It was, they don't need trousers. I was like, okay. She'd been thinking about it all day and I just sort of went, okay. And then went downstairs and thought, what the fuck was that?

But she's right, Rob. They don't. Did you take it up with Eric the next day? Do you know what? I might ask her and just say, I'll ask if they need jumpers. Yeah. They don't need to be removing. Has she been reading a story about a monkey?

I don't know. They're still very high off monkey on the roof from the Centre Park trip. That's still a big thing going on. I want to be at that stage, Rob. I want to be at the monkeys don't need trousers stage. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you'll get there. Don't worry. You know, you've got to wait for the baby to be at the monkeys don't need trousers stage yeah i mean yeah that you'll get there don't worry you know we've got to wait for the baby to be born first but these i've got

a slight baby to be born oh a slight moan yeah about louise my wife you know the crosby's law where something that annoys you about your partner's parenting um well lou likes to bring up previous arguments she's had with the children when they're calm. With the children? Yeah. So, for example, I don't know if I've mentioned this to you, the other day I was getting out of the bath, so I got all the towels from the wash.

So it was this little towel that was probably too small to be used as a bath towel. No, for the girls. Right. So it was like a hand towel, but because it was so little, they could get away with it as a towel, right? Anyway, and then they started crying and kicking off going, it's small i'm cold i'm cold it's too small don't want it and anyway they had it but they moaned about it right the next night it's the same towel i'll give it to them and they've put it on no trouble and gone in their rooms and then lou went that's

the one you cried about yesterday kick off again i was like what are you doing why are you oh mate why are you bringing that up again? Absolute textbook. What's an error? It's so unnecessary, isn't it? Do you know what you're, Rob? Your house, when they're teenagers, is going to be, I am going to be fucking loving it.

Do you know what? I think, I mean, I'm in the eye of the storm. There's going to be some point scoring going on all, all ways between all four of you. The trifecta. Yeah, when it's, yeah, there's three. I'm in the eye of the storm. There's going to be some point scoring going on always between all four of you. The trifecta. Yeah, there's three. I was throwing you in, but I don't mean you, Rob.

I'm already slipping away from conversations. Like, I found myself becoming that sort of, like, husband that, like, has to pretend to care but doesn't really care anymore like we was having a conversation about moving something in the kitchen and doing the kitchen and we'll speak to the builder person about it and i and lou sometimes goes a bit quiet when we talk to builders so i went oh we would like the sink there wouldn't we lou i'm just so like pathetic like basically tell me again what you want so I can pass that message on to a geezer, please.

Oh, God. Anyone who has seen you on TV would know this is an astonishing thing to say. I think in about 15 years you're going to be one of those silent dads. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what? I think, yeah, I think I'm just going to exist and just float around. And, you know, because I am very gobby and loud on telly, but a lot of those repeats you see of me on those shows,

I literally had about eight quid in my bank account, so I was eager. I really, really needed to make an impact on that show. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes you see some other people make their debuts on panel shows and, you know, their parents have bought them a flat in London and they're just sort of floating around being comedians and they sort of say a couple of things but I was I was real like dance for me monkey boy I was and I still am to a point I don't think we've ever discussed this what is the worst I'm sure people would want to I know this isn't parenting there must be one what is the worst you've ever done on a panel show well there was one that i rescued and then one that was just awful so i was doing a cats

countdown very early doors i'll lee mac replace sean lock so i was on with lee mac and i look i'm wearing a red jumper i look about six i got asked to do it last minute so i flew in from austria where i was doing gigs had two hours sleep and then did countdown and I'm I'm terrible at countdown the best time and I was crap and then Lee Mack went oh why have I got to have him on my team and then the whole crowd like yeah who is he and I was oh no and then I clawed that back by going to be fair though I was promised Sean Locke to Lee Mack because he yeah so that was fine And I think that laugh saved me. It was like a little like, but when I did,

would I lie to you? That was probably the worst I've ever done on a panel show. Cause they spoke about Bananarama for so long. And I, I, I was too young. I was the youngest on the show by about 25 years. And once you've gone,

ooh, a Bananarama and then just been bullied for not being alive when banana Rama in the charts, there's not much else you can say, is there? Yeah. Yeah. What would you,

what's the worst you've ever done on a panel show? So now whenever I do a panel show, before I do it, I pack my bag. And that is because I can still remember how bad I felt having to pack up my bag after my one appearance on Nevermind the Buscocks. Who was hosting? The horn section.

Okay. Why was it so bad? Not their fault. So the other team was, I'd say, a more exciting proposition. I'd say a more exciting proposition than... So Phil had been given me and Lewis Smith, the gymnast. The other team I would describe as the quirkiest group of people I've ever seen in my life. Who was on the other side?

Noel Fielding, obviously, as captain. Tony Law, a comedian, who is... I'd say makes Noel Fielding look pretty straightforward. Oh,'d say, makes Noel Fielding look pretty straightforward. Oh yeah, he makes Noel Fielding look like Michael McIntyre. Yeah, to give you an idea, Tony Law had brought an array of hats, which he put on and off throughout the show,

and Paloma Faith. So their team made us look like the three biggest squares that had ever lived. And then, Rob, within five minutes, I'd upset Lewis Smith quite badly. Oh, no. What did you say?

He's a gymnast, Giza, isn't he, with a little moustache? Yeah. He'd won silver at the Olympics in gymnastics. Yeah. And he showed us that he could moonwalk early on. And it was very impressive. And I said, to nothing, I should have. It feels like a wedding between an accountant and an emo girl.

And it's just all got awkward on the dance floor. Some people are wearing really smart suits. Some people are just in jeans. They don't really get the vibe. Who's the more dominant partner? Well, not us. And then Lewis Smith did moonwalking. who's the more dominant partner? Well, not us. And then Lewis Smith did moonwalking.

And I said, maybe if you'd done moonwalking, you would have won gold. That's fair. That's a fair bit. That's fair. No laugh. Plus, Lewis Smith goes, that's not on. Not on! Come on, mate.

And then little did we know that at the end we were going to be surprised by a horn section song yeah and you won't believe it it was about me and lewis smith and it was called something like best of friends oh no and he hates you we had to put our arms around each other and dance to this song this sounds this doesn't just sound like your worst performance on a panel show it sounds like the worst panel show of all time it was it was no fault of the horn section obviously because they couldn't have anticipated what would happen five minutes into the show i had you get a feeling when you're doing badly on a panel show did you get red did you go red no but my legs had that you know that feeling where you like your legs feel like you're being told off and like like when you were being bollocked as a child but two and a half

hours yeah yeah you know it's coming yeah oh when i did never mind the buzzcocks you know when they perform the intro at you and you have to guess the song? Yeah. I had nothing, right? And then they went, oh, you got it wrong. That was Clean Bandit. I went, Clean Bandit? Who the fuck are you? I'm a Clean Bandit. And the girl was from Clean Bandit.

Oh, no. Oh, wrong. Oh, it was awful. Oh, God. So I did all right on the show that I did last night, but I told an anecdote that played to complete silence oh so you did you did a panel show last night you can say what it is can't you oh yeah i did there's something about movies yeah last night you did an anecdote to

nothing to the point where there was a look alan carr who i consider a friend and a lovely man, he had a look on his face that said, that can't be it. And he is a generous guy. He's a generous laugh. He will laugh at almost anything to help out a friend. Yeah, exactly. It must have been bad then, Josh.

He had a look on his face of like, that isn't it, is it? Could I say one more thing? and I promise we'll get back to parenting, one more thing on doing badly on a panel show. It's worrying how much ammo we've got on our own terrible performances. Is there anything

worse than saying something shit on a panel show and then someone saying something funny off it, and then you watching it build into a really funny bit. And you know that your unfunny bit at the start now has to make the edit to make all of the other things make sense. And you're sitting there going, don't get another laugh. Whatever you're going to say next, don't get a laugh out of it.

It's building. Can we move on here, guys? What are you doing to me? This is building into a moment that was sparked by my failure. Let's not build it, guys. Let's keep it down. Let's not make this a running joke throughout the show. Let's not make me being shit at comedy the laugh.

That can't be the joke. Sorry, we digress. We digress. Right, look, I've got some Instagram messages and you've got some. Let's do some parenting stuff before this turns into just two old men moment. But can I just quickly say a parenting thing? Yes, please. i mistakenly i this should be uh uh what's it called not crystal castle what's it called the thing where we're where we complain about something posh glass houses ivory tower thanks michael michael said it's so furious he's got ready this fucking mess it's so furious. He's got to edit this fucking mess. It's all over the place today.

Michael said that like we've made that mistake 16 times. Absolutely furious. You know how long he spent on that jingle? Is there a jingle? I don't know. I don't listen back. I think if you listen back to your own podcast, you've got real mental health problems.

I've got some absolute beauties here, which you'll enjoy considering the other podcast you do about 90s football. This is from Lizzie Crane. Was just listening to you guys chatting about Rob's Oregano from 2011. Was reminded of around Christmastime 2019 at my granddad's house. He offered my husband and cousins beers, which I happily accepted. However, my husband turned down another one as the first was cloudier and lumpier than lager normally is.

Oh, my God. Normally, I don't know, it's slightly lumpy, some of the lager, but it was cloudy and lumpy. They'd all drunk them anyway out of politeness and thirst. When recycling the cans, we discovered the beers were covered in advertising for the World Cup in France 1998 and went out of date in the same year. Absolutely amazing. Oh, and also, that would have,

it probably would have, unopened, would have been worth so much. Oh. I'd have bought that off eBay. I can hear, I mean, I know he's muted,

but I know that Michael would do anything to own that can. Yeah, I know. What a can. The little, little chicken, it was a little chicken mascot, little chicken mascot wasn't it right this is actual parenting one not about my organo here we go so this is we you know i mentioned what you might be taking the kids to australia to do a tour yeah how's that going absolutely not going to happen i've looked at the numbers i've looked at the dates there's no way i'm doing that i'm going on my own for 10 days it's do you know how far away everything is Rose if you're listening just bear that in mind yeah so what we're doing is I'm going

to go out there and do a bunch of dates and then just leave them at home and then it's better that way I think Josh for everyone involved yeah I think I think I can see why you've done that Rob it's like taking loads of tour managers and tours of, but all they do is make it harder for the gig to go well. And the other way it is, is like going on a family holiday in which every evening your wife has to sit in a hotel room with sleeping children. Yeah, on and off. Or you have to do a gig you're very stressed about. Yeah, because I don't know about you.

Because you don't know whether they've got Marmite over there. Yeah, because I don't know about you. On holiday, once you've been on the beach all day with the kids you come home you get everyone bathed and washed and then you have something to eat and then you do bedtime what you really want to do is go on stage for an hour and a half that i think that's when you're at peak performance because that happened once i took them down to devon when i was doing loads of warm-up shows right and then we were doing stuff in the day and then lou hadn't seen me do a gig for like two years and she was going to come to the show in the evening and she went, I'm not,

because we were there with the grandparents and she went, I don't feel I'm going to come tonight actually to watch the show. I was like, oh, okay, why not? She went, I'm just a bit knackered to watch a show. I was like, we've done the same things and I've got to fucking do the show. You can't even sit and watch it.

Fucking hell. That's mental. Like we've literally had the exact same schedule today. And you can't watch it. I've got to fucking do it. And then all I get is, oh, you just go around talking anyway, didn't you? You're too tired to watch it. Anyway, this is a story about someone that flew with children from Australia.

This sort of prompted me not to want to do it. Hi, Rob and Josh, listening from Melbourne, Australia, and love the podcast. In light of Rob's recent thoughts about flying to Australia with the kids, I thought I'd tell you guys about our flight from Australia to the UK back in 2012 with my 20-month-old daughter and six-year-old son. We were traveling to London for a family wedding. My brother-in-law was getting married in London during the 2012 Olympics and finding reasonably priced airfares and accommodation was impossible. The only way we could afford the trip was to go with the most budget airline we could find. Biggest mistake of our lives. As our daughter was under two, she was still classed as an infant, which meant she didn't have a seat instead. She would sit on her laps and sleep in a bassinet.

Looking back, I now know a 20-month-old is really a toddler and not an infant, so we should have just paid full price for her own seat. Within the first half hour of the flight, she refused to sit on either of our laps or lie in the bassinet and screamed every time we tried to make her do either. For the next day and a half. Oh, my. For the next day and a half in the air.

All I was trying to do was keep her screaming at bay. We also had no idea until they handed out the first meals that the infant ticket meant no meal for the infant. What? That meant... What? What? No.

Yeah. That meant in order for her to eat anything, we had to share our three meals between the four of us. Oh, my effing gee. Meaning we were all hungry the entire time. Oh, my God. Because they've gone pure budget. When I asked in desperation if a snack could be found for us,

they came out of a small bag of peanuts, which my daughter is allergic to, and they had no other options. I think at at that point i had a little cry i was still breastfeeding her at the time and it quickly became clear to us that the only way to keep her fed quiet and still would be to feed her so i pretty much had her attached to my boobs the entire way to england by the way this is we were so hungry by the time our plane landed for a stop in dubai that we found a mcdonald's and ordered the biggest feast of our lives which took so long to be made and eaten we almost missed our connecting flight and had to run through the airport all four of us completely delirious by that point did i mention the cheap flights included two stopovers which

meant the entire journey was 40 hours. Oh, my God. We're not finished there, Josh. Anyway, a few more things before I go. Sorry, can I just check? Yeah. Are they Australian? Sorry, I missed it at the start. Are they English people coming home or are they Australian?

I think they're Australian visiting for a wedding. Just for a wedding? Yep. Oh. Brother-in-law as well. She doesn't even want to go. This lady doesn't even want to be there. God. Anyway. This is making me even want to be there. God.

Anyway, Elvato. This is making me feel so much better about my life. Before I finish, only two of our three screens worked, which meant my husband and I had to watch movies in shifts. And the worst bit of all, no alcohol was served on the plane. What? When I asked for a glass of wine at one desperate point to take the edge off and was told there was no alcohol served on the flight,

I truly think it was one of the lowest points of my priority life. By the way, I never breastfed again. Literally, the flight killed all the joy I'd previously experienced while breastfeeding and we weaned her cold turkey as soon as we arrived in the UK. Wow. Anyway, the kids are 10 and 14 now and we survived the flight, but it was a fucking nightmare and I've learned the hard way. Never fly budget with kids.

Did they have to go back? Yep, they had to fly back. Oh, that is, that's the worst story of just the anxiety. 40 hours, and when you get tired, you can't think. Brutal. Oh, my God, it was awful. But, yeah, so that makes you feel a bit better, doesn't it, mate? Oh, I do feel better about my own life.

I do feel better about my own life. I'll tell you what, this will cheer you up. I've got another 90s football in the theme of cheering you up. This is someone from Instagram, Rizard. Rizard, I think that is. It's hard to tell with all these wacky Insta names. You know when people have like different, there's like a capital letter in the middle just to be wacky.

Anyway. Yeah. Oh, no, so it's rizzled rizzled on instagram but my name is rizzy r-h-i-z-z-i hello rizzy and i'm an avid lph-er i just listened on today's podcast about children interrupting sporting events and had to get in touch my birthday is the 30th of june 1998 as my dad rang his mom my nan to announce she had become a grandmother for the first time she answered the phone with beckham's just been sent off it's 22 years old and my dad still won't let me forget that i made him miss the england artentina game in that year's welcome your podcast

has get me through trying to teach online in these crazy times. Keep up the great work. Thanks, Rizzy. I am so relieved that this baby is coming before the Euros. Genuinely, I think you are going to have one of the best Euros of your life. Okay? Yeah, I think I am. Because you're not working. You're going to win it. You're going to win it. You're not working much because of the baby.

You say because of the baby. That's what I'm trying to tell myself. Is it worth investing in some sort of google glasses that you can just put on and you just what and it sort of beams a football into your head or like i think you need to be looking at ipad ipad stand something that is flexible and movable a clip that you could just click your leg or something so that i can take it with me. Can I suggest something? Yeah. I think you should get some sort of like gilet that's utility belted up. And I, you know, like one man bands

that have a harmonica chain, like, you know, like a metal thing that goes over their head and in front of them. And then you can just take it off. And then you have like a phone holder with a football on. So if you're feeding, if you're holding, if you're going for a walk, your hand's free.

Do you know what? I've earned this, Rob. You've earned it, Josh. No one will judge you for that. Anyone that sees you do that will go, fucking legend. Yeah. That's all they'll be thinking. And do you know what?

They'll be right. They'll be absolutely right. You know, something in your shed, put something in your shed. Attach a clip for the buggy so you when you're walking through the park you can have the football on and then your headphones in and then you can run a hot spot off your phone yes i can't wait to go back to the truck to having a child who i don't feel guilty about looking at my phone in front of. Do you know what I mean? A child who I can push around the park and I can put my headphones in and that's not a bad thing to do because they're three weeks old. It's not.

And in a way, what I would do is maybe stick them like funny colour things or like weird shapes onto the back of the ipad or phone so that as you move and look it moves and engages with the kid oh there we go that's and then that's a good parent you know because really the beauty of parenting is not having to engage with children that that young the infant stage when you don't have to actually engage with them you know because with the first one you try and pretend that they go oh look they're looking at me aren't they oh, look, they're looking at me, aren't they? No, they're not.

They're looking at fuck all for about eight months. Absolutely not. They don't care. They just want milk and sleep. Do you know what I'm going to say, Rob, about young children?

Yeah, go on. About babies. Yeah. I'm going to come out and say it. I don't want to hold your baby. I've got no interest. You're not saying that to Rose, are you?

No, I'm not saying that to Rose. I like holding my baby. No, I'm 100% the same. I do not want to hold your baby. That's why I've never really run for office or to be prime minister. The thought of having to hold a random baby. It's more than you'd say. Like some sort of personal appearance.

No, I'm 100%. I do not want to hold anyone's baby. Couldn't give a shit. I couldn't give a shit. But you have to. And there's so much more to lose than there is to gain by holding someone's baby. I don't even like holding a dog, a little dog, just in case you drop it. Never mind a baby.

Do you want to hold my baby? Of course I don't. In the same way, I don't want to hold your vase. Do you know what I mean? Also, as well, there's a bit of like annoying attention-seeking power play and like taking someone's kid and getting them to sleep to be like look i can do it because that's not helpful because all you do is you make the parent feel like shit exactly i mean it's quite helpful like if you're something like oh do you mind i'm knackered and you try and do it if you're like the grandparent or something

like that or you are literally helping them but like when people go oh let me have a hold i've got them to sleep you know that's what showy offy kind of person you sort of yeah absolutely f right hi josh and rob this is from anna vigors so my son was around one and a half when this took place i want to make it clear he is absolutely fine and healthy and i'm now a more vigilant parent i love i love this email already. Yeah. It's a good start, isn't it? Because now I've got free reign to laugh at the horrific thing that's going to

be explained, but we now know he's safe and it's fine. He's safe and fine. It was a warm spring day and I was rushing about trying to prepare to leave the house to take myself and two kids to the local breastfeeding support club, AKA boob club. We went for the banter and the biscuits and the occasional bit of child support advice in my haste to get the drinks sorted and into tommy tippy cups for

our journey i grabbed and filled my son's cup with organic apple juice concentrate i then filled it up with water and off we went on arrival at boob club. My son got out of the push chair, started laughing like a nutter and walking into a wall. One of the moms said he looks like an old drunk. We laughed. Because he did look wrecked to be fair. It was only when I was refilling his cup that he had absolutely necked. But I smelled, it was not apple juice,

but vodka. The vodka and blackberry stuff we'd recently made and decanted into the exact same bottles, but forgotten to label. I know he's fine now, but this still seems bad. Yeah, it is bad. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. He's fine. How far can that caveat get you if that had been a problem?

He's fine now He's fine. How far can that caveat get you if that had been a problem? He's fine now. Don't worry. I was absolutely mortified, but my sense of humour took over and I announced to everyone that I thought he may indeed be pissed up on homemade vodka and blackberry. The reception was lukewarm. The laughs turned to straight faces. Yeah.

I was a terrible mum. I gave him water, milk, and any kind of carb I could find to try and sober him up. Oh, no. Oh, my God. He was thankfully absolutely fine. Slept well that night, but I didn't. What a palaver.

Oh, my God. You'd feel so bad. And it's such like a quick error. See, you know what, though? It makes me feel really good about me being a parent. Yeah, that kind of thing is an absolute win, isn't it? Really, let's be honest, that kind of email is exactly what this podcast is for.

Yes, exactly. Thank God for the caveat. Thank God for the caveat. Now, Rob, shall we end with some shout outs to small businesses? Yes, I've got one for you, brother. This one, it's not a new business, but it's a family run local business. And also, I only just found out they did this and I like this.

I think I'm going to spread the word. OK, so this Manzi's Pie Mass Shop, Josh. You have Manzi's Pie Mass Shop in South London, South East London? No, I don't. So it's a pie mass shop. It was opened 119 years ago and we are now on the fourth generation still the same family yep so emma and her husband tom um are running it now with emma's dad rick and they were hopefully passed down the business to their two little boys one day they're big fans

of the podcast we offer chilled because obviously pie mash shop has been shut with a lot of hospitality venues but now and they this this is quite a new thing, because Pie Mash Shop is so old school and traditional, they don't always, some of them shut at 2pm, because that's just what they used to do. But now they offer chilled deliveries all over mainland UK at www.manzee.co.uk for people missing their pie and mash that may have moved out of

London. Instagram is at Manzi pie and mash. Thanks so much. Take care. Look forward to, uh, coming to the coming to us on tour. Um,

yeah. And we are welcome to come down and learn to be pie makers one day if you want, Josh. Oh, well, there we go. Something to fall back on.

I don't know how it's going on panel shows. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, 120 years have been going and you can order. And they do liquor and ills. So if you've never had it, it's a good way to try it. I definitely not have the jelly dills.

They're horrific. Not Manzi's ones, just in general. But the stewed ones are nice. But yeah, so if you want pie mash, you can get it now. Anywhere in the UK. There we go. Okay, here is one. This is from Honeyborn Jewelry.

So we love your podcast and listen to it in our jewelry shop and workshop on the sunny Isle of Wight. We're a small independent family run business amongst lots of things we make and create these pieces, which make the perfect father's day gift. Your child's drawing translated onto key rings, pictures, and pendant charms.

It would make our day if you could give us a shout out. Honey born jewelry, that kind of thing is absolutely a winner. And I wish I'd thought of that about 20 years ago. This feature is not for you to steal the ideas of small businesses, Josh. We're supposed to be promoting them not go yeah that website is joshwiddicombe.com what's their have they got an instagram uh they've got a website that's all i've got h-o-n-e-y honey honey yeah born b-o-u-r-n-e jewelry which is jewelry.com i think it'd be i think it'd be really unfair to steal the ideas.

I think we should just promote it, you know. We'd do like Beckett and Widdicombe's pie mash. Yeah, if you've got any good, if you've got a small business that's a good idea, do send them in and we won't read them out, but we might start a very similar business. This would be like a very like low-level Dragon's Den where we just basically steal the idea

without offering any money. Exactly. I'm in and I'm having 100% for free. Thank you very much. So Honeyborn and Manzies are our shout-outs this week. Sending you small business shout-outs, and we'll do our best. We get a lot in, but we try and read out as many as we can, don't we, Josh? Yeah.

Particularly, we've had a very slow week. We'll read out more. So that's how it works. If nothing's happened to us, there'll be about 70 of those. Also, as well, I should say say thank you very much to Charlie Baker. There's been such a big positive response to him talking about miscarriage and trying for babies and stuff. And, yeah, if you go and follow Charlie Baker's Instagram,

he's got links if you are interested in that kind of thing with the Miscarriage Association. And I think it's called Silver Star Babies, which is the charity that he was using when he was trying. And it's Charlie Baker Comedian is his name on Instagram. Go and follow. And he's got links on there to the Silver Star Babies and Miscarriage Association for anyone that maybe wants

a bit more help and guidance on the matter. But yeah, thank you, Charlie, for being so honest. And also he texted me to say how nice, you know, how much the response is meant to him. Yeah, he said that in the Insta feed. He said it was really, you know, I think a bit choked up about the Insta feed. Everyone was so positive and it was obviously quite difficult

for him to talk about. So thank you very much, Charlie. Well done on you because I think it's a good thing to talk about. Yeah. So Josh, Friday is a big day for us. It's episode 100. The 1-0-0, the old century. The old ton up, the old 1-2-0s.

Raising our bats to the pavilion, Rob. Ah, the old one more than 99, one less than 101. The old big 100. The old sign that the idea is running out of steam. The old get a letter from the queen. Hundy, the old 50 that the idea is running out of steam yo get a letter from the queen hundy the old 50 times two anyway we've got ellish james to celebrate the big 100 returning we thought because the thing with this show is obviously parenthood changes and people's experiences change and so we thought it'd be nice over the coming months to occasionally revisit favourite friends

to see how they're getting on. Yes. Well, maybe tag us on Instagram and tag us on Twitter and tag in the guest you want to return and we'll try and tap them up that way. We've had loads, haven't we? 100 episodes, Josh. Doesn't time fly?

Doesn't time fly. I tell you what we should maybe play on Friday't we? 100 episodes, Josh. Doesn't time fly? Doesn't time fly. I tell you what we should maybe play on Friday before the Ellis interview is, I've got the voice note of you coming up with the idea for this podcast, which is quite funny. We'll try and find that and play it out. Look forward to it. We will see you later.

Bye.