Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP32: The one where Rob gets a snack station...

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP32: The one where Rob gets a snack station...More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavorful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelized onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell.

The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.

Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whittaker? Josh Beckett. Sorry? Josh Whittaker. Josh Whittaker.

Now get away. What the hell's going on there? The kid tells her to go away at the end. And do you know what? Rightfully so. Because we've had some kids do much worse than that, and never has the parent gone, sorry? Yeah. What did you say?

That is totally unacceptable. Are we going to get sued in years to come for some sort of child labour where they were used in an entertainment format without any... You know, it was just sort of there was no pay, there was no contract, no holiday pay. In about 30 years, there'll be a TV show called It Was Alright in the 2020s, and there'll be, like, comics listening to our podcast going,

couldn't you believe they got away with this it's ridiculous because there are weird union things like acting unions are way more on it than comedian unions because i did fresh meat about 10 years ago in one scene and then occasionally i'll get like 70p holiday pay right what's going on mate i'm gonna read you actually on the hat i'm gonna read you my last statement yeah my last um your last statement sounds like you're about to end it all this is my last one i've had enough i can't cope with time passing whatever it was you said it was bleaker in retrospect than at the moment yeah down in an email what you said last week what was it i can't handle the passing of time yeah well do you know what uh my friend charlie charlie crosby um matthew

crosby in fact the the person who began crosby's law on this podcast she's such an avid listener on monday morning on the on the morning of release tuesday morning tuesday morning got a text from her to say she said i can't cope with the passing of time either. Oh, that's good to know. Yeah, so it's good that I'm not alone. Yeah, no, exactly. And it's, you know, is that a bird in the background? Rob, you can't call them that these days.

It is a bird because I've got the window open. On that, Rob. Yeah, your statement. Go on. Holiday pay. I'm going to read you my last statement. So we get a monthly statement of what we've earned, don't we, from our agent. Yeah, pay slip.

Pay slip. I got some royalties from the last leg. Oh, get you. So, for the fourth quarter of 2020. Yeah. Last leg, series two, royalties, 12p. Last leg, series three, royalties, 12p. Last leg, series three, royalties, 28p. Is it like the equation worked out on jokes per episode that get in?

Last leg, series six, 7p. What's that from? I don't know. Think how many people have been involved in that chain of that money getting to me. Do you know what I mean? How much paperwork has gone into that 7p arriving in my account? Well, and also as well, who's rounding up and who's rounding down the 15% agency? I should have a word with the agents, shouldn't I?

I haven't spoken to the accountant on that. Are they rounding up or down? Are you half a p up or down on that? That's what I want to know. The worst thing about that 7p, Rob, is 3 pea of that's going to the tax man for a start. Before you see any of the pea. Before I see any of it, I'm down to four pea. Oh, dear.

You pay your expenses out of that. You're looking at a pea of royalty, innit? I'm not going to. I got four quid because fresh meat was repeated in Argentina. And all I could think was, imagine what Whitehall's getting out of this. Jack Whitehall's got me looking at, what, a one-er? Under a quid on that? Yeah, under a quid.

He's got me under. If I'm getting four quid, he's getting under a quid at least, isn't he? Jack Whitehall. Yeah. Probably a better split than me for one episode. Anyway, Josh, how are you? How's your week been? What's happening?

We are... I'm fucking nervous, Rob. Sorry to swear. Sorry. We're slightly pre-recording this because the day this goes out it's c-section day so um how you feeling we're a few days away yes this is we're recording this early yes uh i'm nervous actually rob i am nervous well yeah it's it's horrible you said a lack of control isn't it you can't nothing you can do, is there, at all?

There's nothing I can do, Rob. I'll do some cliche reassurance. I'd love some cliche reassurance. Look, she'll be in the safest place possible. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's, you know, all the COVID cases are down, so hospitals aren't overwhelmed.

She'll have the best care, and you just being there will be enough. I mean, last time, it was an emergency C-section. Oh, no. So she was 10 days late last time. Classic classic howdy hell mate for bloody everything too busy bloody doing her hair i imagine am i right oh changing her outfit oh i don't know is that a bit sexist yeah i was being ironic oh okay so it just felt like you meant that. Yeah, I just thought this was the time to bring it up because she'll be listening to this podcast. I'm putting this podcast on during the cesarean to calm her down.

Yeah, I think it'll be good just to keep a bit of light relief while she's having the C-section. Light relief, exactly. We can all enjoy a laugh, can't we? Yeah, is that why you're sort of being quite unfunny so she doesn't laugh too much when they're making incision no rob it's because um because i'm only being paid 7p so that's how much yeah i mean if you ain't getting the p you ain't getting the lols yeah i mean i've always said that that's been my business strategy um so yes um yeah i'm

very no so last time we went in she was induced and then had to have an emergency c-section and um that's not fun for for time of birth 4 25 a.m um yeah that's not one or the other is it 4 25 it's not morning it's not night is it what is that yeah why would you be up at 4 25 do you know what i mean holiday it's the only reason early flight that week exactly and you i wouldn't have i wouldn't have slept if i was up at that if i had to get up at that time too much pressure you power on have a kip on the plane didn't you yeah exactly um it's 4 25 i was born at 5 p.m in the corridor of a hospital because i came too quick um and uh yeah so i, so there was nowhere to put me. People always say you're quick, Rob.

And even at birth, you were quick. Yeah. You were fast. I came too quick with a joke and, you know, in the bedroom. But that's something I've been working on, mainly just breathing techniques and visualising things. Think of Romesh, don't you? Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what I used to do. But that actually, weirdly, had a different reaction. But, yeah, no, I don't think just think yeah yeah well that's what i used to do but that actually weirdly had a different reaction um but yeah no i don't i don't think of romish i don't think anymore and i can last for ages um what i'm talking about i've had three coffees i feel a bit weird this is about you it's about you and rose it's about you and rose this is the big so i am nervous yeah i am nervous i think there's nothing you can do now you just try and um just forget about it until it happens because thinking about it will make you more stressed. And just have a bag packed, get some food and drink for when Rosie's allowed food and drink.

We've got a to-do list, Rob, between now and then. Well, top of the list, what's that? Have baby? Well, top of the list is... Between now and then, sorry. Between now and then, yeah, yeah. The C-section, I was like, sure, that's a pretty short list, isn't it? Just have baby.

Have baby. Any more on that, you're taking too much on. Yeah. Last time we had a C-section, Rob, have you... I don't know if you've ever been in a C-section room. No, no, no. I try and get in now and again, but they sort of don't like...

Do you know what, Rob? It is worth it. If you can get in and see one, it's a really... It's a good experience. It's a good afternoon. It's an afternoon out, isn't it? And do you know what? You won't forget it. It's like Ascot. You wouldn't want to go again, but it's fun really it's a good it's a good experience it's a good afternoon it's an afternoon out isn't it and you know what you won't forget it it's like ascot you wouldn't want to go again but it's fun to get dressed up exactly it's good to take it off the bucket list isn't it put scrubs on what i like i really want to really wash my hands like i mean casually

it really feels i know this sounds weird i was shocked by how much it feels like an operation if you know what i mean yes well it is isn't it yeah that's i feel much better now thank you it's no different from having your appendix out yeah yeah that's all right appendix is fine that's pretty normal on it round of the mill yeah appendix out rather than i couldn't do celebrity tipping point it was a really disappointing week that your appendix you couldn't do celebrity tipping point yeah absolutely never mind yeah i'm sure you get asked back not so far no i have been actually i have been but i was uh i was isolating due to another tv show i'll be honest with you celebrity ticking point um saga has been a real problem in my life well i you know i can't focus on ben shepherd on screen just because i can never know what he's doing. His waistcoat, his sleeves rolled up or full suit.

He's got two vibes, hasn't he? Like this, I'm Ben Shepard. I'm in with Kate Garroway on Good Morning Britain. I've gone full suit. Hold up. Is that Chris Kamara, Ninja Warrior? Here we go. Let's roll those sleeves up.

I look like I'm the manager of Mumford & Sons. I'm pretty chilled. Yeah, I do news. I do COVID stuff. But roll these sleeves up. Let's climb up a fucking wall. I'm pretty chilled. Yeah, I do news. I do COVID stuff, but roll these sleeves up. Let's climb up a fucking wall. I'm Ben Shepard. Let's do light end.

I love Ninja Warrior. It's great, isn't it? It is great. It's so good. I'd love to have a go if it wasn't televised. Yeah. Stagdew.

Great first thing. Imagine a Stagdew. Everyone. Stag do. Great first thing. Imagine a stag do. Everyone pissed on Ninja Warrior. I'd love to go on Total Wipeout as well, Rob. Yes. Yes, I would. That's Argentina. That is a bit of a...

That was a... Joe Swash did that and he broke his shoulder and his ass came out. I had to drag him on. Sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing. What are we talking about? They're two separate incidents, aren't they? His ass came out of his shoulder because he'd broken it.

He broke his shoulder when he fell in the water or something, like I dislocated it. And then they dragged him out. But as they dragged him out, all his trousers and pants come down. His arm was too sore and he couldn't move to pull his trousers up. He was just laying there. Oh, my God. The indignity.

Limp, holding his shoulder with his knob and arse out. Oh, my God. Poor old Swashy. Anyway, sorry, let's get back to C-section. But you've got your to-do list. the indignity limp holding his shoulder with his knob and arse out oh my god poor old Swashy anyway sorry let's get back let's get back to C-section but you've got your

to-do list what's on your to-do list between now and then we've got to sort the nursery out okay that's very generic sort it out isn't it yeah sort it out

sort it out sort the house out it's been on my to-do list for seven years just going to sort the house out do you know what we're going to finally

sort the house out after all these years I'm going to sort it I out this weekend. Do you know what? We're going to finally sort the house out after all these years. I'm going to sort it. I'm going to just go through stuff and make space. Yeah, it's quite a weird list because it's like sort the house out, buy some USB leads, and also choose a name.

So there's different levels of importance on that. Okay, yeah, sure. My big concern there is, isn't USB-C the future? What's USB-C? Well it's a little smaller USB cable but that's what's going to replace USBs Is it? Yeah so I don't want you to go too heavy on the USB cables and then

USB come out of nowhere. Oh okay alright I'm glad you've told me I'll take that off my list Don't forget the little Android ones as well for Kindle fires they're a nightmare We're very lead heavy in our house Are you? Yeah it's like a News of the World editorial room floor. I don't know what I'm talking.

I'm just... I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. It's just falling out. I've had too many coffees, but too late in the day. So the caffeine's there, but the brain isn't. Yeah. No, the energy's there, but I'm not committing to it.

Yeah, fair enough. Which I mean, that's what's happening. Sorry, I'm talking too much. Carry on, Josh. No, honestly, it's fine, Rob. I've listened to a podcast. I enjoyed this,'m gonna just i'm just gonna say it yeah um yeah i listened to uh an episode of the hello baby podcast that's hosted by um the woman that did our nct class and it was all about having a second kid and that actually i found reassuring oh that's good yeah i would I would recommend that to anyone.

I did enjoy it. What episode was it? Episode six. It was about having a second kid. Oh, okay. There was a lot about the first 10 minutes about what you should do during the pregnancy was slightly too late for me. But the rest of it made sense.

The rest was very useful. I do feel like a lot of it really is really about the first kid, isn't it? Yeah, managing them. The second one, don't know what's going on. It's like an ornament that needs feeding, isn't it? Like in the first few weeks. But it's the first one that, well, that's the problem. What I hate is when you get advice or listen to a podcast and you go,

oh, yeah, that's what I should have done before I completely fucked my kid up in the end. Brilliant. Now I know. Great. That's yeah, that's what I should have done before I completely fucked my kid up in the end. Brilliant, now I know. Great. That's great, that is. Because before, ignorance was bliss and I could just assume that I did it right. But oh no, that's what I did wrong

and that's why that one's mental. I'm just going to listen to a podcast about how to do well in Edinburgh, Rob. And then... Can I tell you about my trip to Ikea? Oh, lovely, please. You know, I've never been to Ikea, Rob. Never?

No. Yeah, but your house is nicknamed. No, no, no. We've got Ikea stuff, but we've all done it on mail order. And now I've never been. I feel like. Oh, how? Josh Winnicombe, observational comedian.

How on earth have you not gone there? It's an absolute goldmine. I know, but i feel like i've gone there because i've seen so many comedians the arrows the meatballs the diagrams i think you could do an ikea observational routine that's quite a funny angle when you go look i'm an observational comedian but i've never been ikea but i've heard enough about it i'm going to give it a go and then you can sort of gauge the audience's reaction and then like if you're getting it a bit wrong,

they'll go, what? You know, Oh no, not that then. Not that. That's quite fun, isn't it?

I'd love to see you do that in a working program. I'm going to start, I'm going to do a whole set of things I've never done. Do you know, I've never had a Krispy Kreme donut. I don't think you're, I don't think you're enjoying life. Why are you worried about it passing?

You've done fuck all with it. You've had a Krispy Kreme and been on gear. Oh my life. Come on. Why not with it. You've had a Krispy Kreme and been on gear. Oh, my life. Come on. Why haven't you had a Krispy Kreme? They're outrageous. Do you know what? I just hadn't for a long time.

And then I've been in many situations in the last few years where I could have had a Krispy Kreme donut. All right, show off. It's all right for some, isn't it? You're just swimming through Krispy Kremes, aren't you? Just frying them on the floor. But, Rob, and this says a lot about me as a weird person. Every time I've thought, I would like a Krispy Kreme donut.

Yeah. But I do enjoy telling people I've never had a Krispy Kreme donut. Really? More than I enjoy the Krispy Kreme donut itself. So I'm going to keep my record of never having had a crispy cream donut i think you're really overplaying how impressive that is as a fact really you just saw you're right i don't i'm not like oh my god guys have you heard i'm a bit like oh that's a shame isn't it for his tongue i don't think you can angle the sugar i think you're too 90s

british you can't handle american flavors have you ever been costco uh no i haven't been to costco josh we you need to take i'll need to take you golf costco ikea and then for crispy cream what a day it would take about i think you need i think you need a weekend for that you could do that costco is a massive warehouse with all American food in it. Oh, yeah. And American things. And you have to be like self-employed to get membership. It's like a cash and carry.

Oh, it's like a cash and carry. It's like macro on steroids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, Ikea, right? So Ikea, as you know, even though you've never been there, it takes a long time, right? I went with my wife, Louise, the three-year-old, tom allen oh my word who's just moved i think we can tell what he's just as he's mentioned he's moved out he's got he's got a house now and he's told

me yeah he's told you he's told me anyway well i know it was in ikea so you need stuff for his house can i ask a question before you carry on which is what does tom allen wear to an ikea he wore um a pair of smart boots smart smart jeans, a polo shirt, and a big knitted cardigan. Yeah, okay. So he looked posh, but he was sort of not on stage posh. You know what I mean? That's sort of a bit like a Ralph Lauren advert for a middle-aged man on a yacht.

Yeah. That kind of vibe. That's what it was. Can Tom Allen do jeans? He can, but he wears them as a trouser right they're very very smart jeans yeah you're talking bright blue bright stitching fitted nice boot and then i think it was a shirt or a polo shirt with a big thick cardigan yeah um and then his coat anyway so how long does it take to go into IKEA anyway? But a three-year-old, my wife and Tom, I heard,

we were in there for four hours. Four hours? I hope you had some of their famous meatballs. I didn't have any of their meatballs, because there's no inside catering, is there? Of course there's not. Oh, my God, Rob. Four hours?

Josh, we were in there so long, I saw an IKEA employee come in for their shift and then leave after their shift. So what did you buy? What did you want? Were you there for specific or were you there for? Well, Tom Allen has moved into his place, but he's been working loads. So he had zero in his house.

So he needed everything. But anyway, we went out and we needed some sofas and stuff like that. So we need just some stuff in his house. So he sort of got a lot of cheap stuff to tide him over type thing. Yeah. Just, you know, and so he had a look at sofas, which he's going to order online. If you buy an expensive sofa, Rob. Yeah.

When I bought a sofa, I didn't know it takes six weeks. Exactly. Minimum. Minimum. Those are the longest six weeks of your life. I know. So we went and then he's found what he likes and he's managed to get some there

and we managed to order some. So he's getting it delivered and then Lou's going with him and I'm having the kids to Home Sense next week because I had to tap out. I couldn't do another go of it. But yeah, so that was... But the three-year-old was so well behaved.

Obviously, I spent a lot of time in the toy section and getting her teddies and stuff. Oh, was there a toy section as well? Yeah. Oh, it's i can't believe you've never been this is outrageous um but there was one purchase which i think i i've got to the point now i don't even argue with lou about ikea things yeah she wants something a snack station right which is like a little trolley on wheels i'm going to send it to you so we've got a snap drawer in our kitchen, yeah, that is a drawer, but it's a second-level-up drawer just below the worktop. So all the kids, the girls, literally open it

and lean on it to look in it, and it's going to snap. I can sense... Right, a snap drawer. Here he is. Here he bloody is. He don't mess about, does he? No. So they're obviously going to break it,

because that's what kids do. They lean on stuff. You tell them not to until it breaks, right? So I've been saying to them, we need to change that. So let's just put it in a box or a cupboard that's on the low level so that they open the cupboard and they don't snap the drawer. So she wants a snack station with this little trolley with snacks on it. Send me this picture.

There we go. Absolutely no need. So is this your snack drawer or is this an example of one? So this is our snack drawer at the moment, yeah. But what Lou's plan is to put in it, all the health fruit shoots need to go in place of water, but they're just left over from a party, so she put them in there.

Yeah. But what she wants to put in there is all healthy snacks that they can help themselves to whenever they're hungry, which I still don't think they should be in charge of this. There's a lot of, do you know what? Yeah. we we fall back on these a lot rob raisins there's a lot of oat cakes in there yes a lot of oat cakes but raisins are sugar they're nature's sugar plums yeah raisins are a way for me to give my daughter sweets but feel okay about yeah either way i do it regularly i don't think they should just have unlimited access

to a buffet cart at the age of three. They should still be asking. It does look like you're going through first class on a train saying, choose what you want. Yeah, exactly. So, but I mean, anyway, it's obviously going to break. The girls are going to find out that it moves. They're going to jump on it.

There's going to be food everywhere. And then we're just going to find crushed up biscuits everywhere where they've helped themselves but and how much use are you getting out of the wheels well i don't know i don't know why you'd need to wheel it yeah i've got no idea but i'm totally against this purchase but we've got it and it's in the house yeah and lou knows when a purchase is probably not really needed but she wants something to buy yeah as soon as we get home ikea for four hours and come home empty-handed as soon as we got home she she immediately put it up, almost to prove a point.

I was going to ask whether you put it up, Rob. No, I didn't. She did it herself because, one, she is better than me. Because the diagrams in those bloody Ikea things are so bloody confusing. How many guys could strap in for an oboe? I mean, I don't even know what a bloody different type of... I don't remember. Different length screws? Something about different length of screws? Yeah, I don't even know what a bloody different type of... I don't... Different length screws?

Something about different length of screws? Yeah, I don't know. If I wanted a long screw, I'd bloody well... Something about sex. See, the thing is, it takes a long time to get those slick routines together. It does. With Rusty, the circuit's shut. It doesn't come straight away.

It may look effortless sometimes, but it took a long time to get there. That'll be good by the tour, though. As well as your Fatma Whitbread stuff. I've basically written... Fatma Whitbread stuff, we're away. So that, Rob, can I ask you some questions about IKEA? Yep. Four hours?

Yeah. What four hours of the day was it? Got there about 10 a.m., 10 till 2, over lunchtime. Did you go for a lovely lunch afterwards? No, because you can't. Everything's locked. Everything's outside. So we went back to Tom's garden and sat in his garden and had ordered some food.

But by the end of it, me and Lou were snappy, where I wanted to go to a toilet and theppy where i wanted to go to a toilet with and the three old needs to go to a toilet but because all the one-way systems they sort of try and force you to go to a toilet about a mile away and then i started walking to the one that was nearest and lou was like you can't because of the one-way system and i was like at that point i was a pandemic guy i was like i'm going to this fucking toilet i don't care what happens with covid i'm not letting a three-year-old piss on me because the area manager from Croydon's decided

that we've all got to go this way around a fucking shop to not get COVID. Do you know what I mean? Even though we've been arsehole to nose the whole way around the queue. So, and then we had a bottle of water and we all calmed down and it was fine. Should we do some emails and Instagrams?

Yeah. I've got some stuff here mate to be honest with you rob yeah i'm so stressed i haven't really looked okay well let me take control of this mate you've got your c-section well rose's c-section to worry about here we go yeah it'd be awful if i had a c-section calorie underscore counting underscore cas underscore 2021 catchy she got in early yeah she did she got in early on instagram didn, she got in early. Yeah, she did. She got in early on Instagram, didn't she? Early adopter. She got the name she wanted, didn't she?

Kaz, nothing gets past Kaz. Too busy counting calories to get on Instagram. Bloody Mark Zuckerberg over here. Okay. I'm starting to think of... Everyone chuck her a a follow we don't need to repeat the name you have you'll remember that catchy get on brand mate um here we go so hi loving the podcast just listening to today's and had to message after hearing josh suggest swapping sides of the bed might be a good thing because your cot doesn't fit on rose's side of the bed but it's likely

she'll be dealing with the baby more in the night with feeding and stuff. It absolutely won't be a good thing. I have tried swapping places with my husband before and it just did not work. I couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep. All our normal comfy sleeping positions were just not comfy anymore.

We didn't even last a full night. We had to swap back, so don't do it. Wow. Some real strong words there from calorie underscore counting underscore cas underscore 2021 she's not a fan i think it's a bad idea to be honest yeah i don't i rose is dead against it she won't even entertain it well i've got this one from martin um my wife is currently he really got in quick on instagram fucking martin ax martin jesus right mark few minutes didn't get just the m um my wife is currently pregnant we have been together seven

years and she has always randomly swapped what side of the bed she sleeps on with no concern what she just whatever side she fancies she goes goes on. That is phenomenal. Imagine living with a free spirit like that. God, it must be a nightmare. Yeah, she just decides on the night. It was exciting at first, but a bit of a wind up now. Martin is not happy with her. It was exciting at first. How exciting was it?

That honeymoon period of the relationship when you think that it's adorable that she'll sleep. I mean, I wonder whether she swaps ends as well. I think's too personal a question she's seven months pregnant josh give her a chance okay so hi guys first your podcast has helped me stay sane throughout my maternity leave and has got me through many a night of cheeky one-ear podcast listening whilst cuddling the wee man to sleep so thank you i want to share my things that wouldn't normally make me cry but did during lockdown a few days before before the first lockdown last march when everything felt weird and doomsday i saw a cow standing in a field on my way to work and i cried because i thought thank god that wee cow has no idea about this shit show that's

unfolding right now. Oh, wow. Cows have lived through their own things, you know, mad cow disease. I mean, they've had their own problems. Exactly, yeah, mad cow disease. They probably looked at you and thought that. Yeah, do you remember all those cows that had to wear masks and socially distance for a good year, didn't they? Couldn't go and watch the football, couldn't have a beer.

Actually, quite happily eating and drinking outside, though, so that didn't bother them. I also cried listening to the Spice Girls wannabe when they sing the line, friendship never ends. Oh, wow. It's safe to say the pandemic has made me an emotional wreck. Wow. But it's been a very, I do think,

I think this is quite important as well, that like when everyone's feeling a bit on edge and a bit stressed, like just because stuff's opening now and essentially oh yeah we're all getting back to normal we have all been through quite an ordeal it was it's i think there won't be slight ptsd for some people more than others but everyone is allowed to feel a bit nervous and awkward about all this stuff opening because we've been through quite a lot that we won't really process yet because you don't during it's always years later so if you are not feeling the best you've ever felt just because stuff's reopening that's fine you're allowed to still feel a bit fed up even though pubs are open maybe a holiday

and all that you know it's still all quite stressful and scary so don't you know too harshly yourself i went for drink socially distanced outside drink outside the pub last night and i'm slightly worried about this with work coming back yeah but like i felt like quite anxious and almost guilty to leave the house in the evening do you know what i mean i felt like a kind of i don't know it did when you saying that has made me go you were meeting another woman though yeah you thought that might be the problem? Well, you know. It was exciting at first.

It was exciting at first, but then she came in. Now I just feel guilty and sad. No, I know what you mean. And it is quite stressful now as well. You have to book a table. You've got to sit here. You've got to sit there and going out. And I think as well, though, we were out all the time doing our jobs.

But I think you won't realise it. But each day it will get easier. we were out all the time doing our jobs, but I think, I think you won't realize it, but you just, well, one step each day, it'll get easier. And like, I remember cause when Lou was shielding, she was quite anxious and a bit overwhelmed going back into like a big supermarket,

but now she's fine. But it's that, and it's that kind of thing. I don't know. I mentioned it last week, but you can't worry about that. You can't worry about today. And then,

and then you'll slowly get better as it, as time goes on, but it's fine to feel a bit stressed about it. I think. And what is amazing is what you suddenly appreciate as well. So we went to Westfield two weeks ago. Yeah. And I just had the time of my life, Rob.

Really? We went to Arquette to buy some children's clothing. Oh, yeah, that's nice, Arquette. It's nice, Arquette, isn't it? Yeah. And they are between seasons, so the children's clothes are on sale. Fair enough. So I was delighted at that. She hardly worn any

of them but there we go. Went to Arquette, went and bought her a book in the bookshop and we went to some other shop that I can't remember, John Lewis. And then we had pasta sitting in the car in the car park and genuinely I felt like i was on holiday rob

i know it doesn't take a lot does it it doesn't take a lot does it have you have you gone out on a big piss up yet well i got quite pissed last so last night rob last night yeah 8 p.m table great it rained for the first hour yeah and i'd say the atmosphere was similar to you know when you're at a festival and it's raining and all you're doing is looking at the sky trying to work out how much longer it's going to rain yes and just trying to see it through uh but we had pizza and uh beer legend legends all right excuse me are you straight yeah i think you are absolutely straight i think there's a couple of straight honkies gone for a bit of dinner and drink legends. Excuse me, are you straight? Yeah, I think you are. Absolutely straight. I think there's a couple

of straight honkies gone for a bit of dinner and drinks. Let's put it this way, Rob. Tom Allen was not invited. A couple of straighties out on the beer and pizza. Didn't share

all your own portions. Three of us, Rob. Three of us. Three bloody lads talking about football. Now I'm the Smashfest. More ear in one hand, tinder in other. Let lads. Talking about football. Now I'm the Smashfest. Moriti in one hand, Tinder in other.

Let's go. Could see the rain splashing up off our pizzas, which was a low one. Sorry, that got me. Oh, it's so bleak. Oh, it's so bleak. The first hour was hard, and then did it get better?

So they're closing at 10. Yeah. They called last orders at 10 past 9. 10 past 9? What? 50-minute last orders. Yep. So they were closing.

It wasn't that they were closing at 9. I thought, oh, well, they'll have to be closing at 9.30. No, no. Closing at 10. So I had to do a double parked second. I had to do, can we have a round of six beers, please, for the final round? That felt good. I bet that felt good.

It did feel good, Rob. Were you not tempted to go for three, down one immediately, and then have the other two? Well, I was already kind of half parked as it was. So I was looking at two and a half points. Fair enough. I am drinking faster than I used to. This pandemic, I'm blaming.

Yeah, I think so. I think we, you know. And can I just say, I'm sure someone's said this before. I'm sure this has been said by a better comedian than me, but fucking hell, those heaters outside a pub are not a solution. I don't think your body being cold and your head being too hot is what you need it's like it's like trying to grill a lasagna

it looks like it's doing something but it's doing nothing underneath exactly it's exactly like the trick to outside drinking is long johns yeah long johns and a warm shoe yeah that's what you want because what i end up having rob it's like i'll go to the toilet i'll look in the mirror and i'm like why have i got one red cheek no jokes so how many drinks did you have when you say under the heater four four pints right i've just got a message from michael the producer who you was out with is that right yeah um it's you being sick in the sink. Yeah, well, we did come home and drank in my garden.

Oh, so you had some more. What did you have in the garden? Red wine. How much? Probably three bottles between the three of us. So you've had four pints and a bottle of wine, and you're being sick in the sink. Also, as well, you look really pathetic,

the way you're being sick in the sink. Your legs are rigid. Your legs are completely rigid and you're just bending from the waist do you know the worst thing about this rob yeah this wasn't a social event it was a planning meeting for my other podcast it was we were planning our what we were going to do for the euros on the other so basically i was i think that's what you're going to do, isn't it? Get pissed for the Euro. Also, what can you do about the Euros? It's in the 90s football.

Well, exactly, Rob. That's the problem. I'll be honest with you, Rob. When everyone said they were going to stop liking current football due to the European Super League, I thought I'm going to fucking clean up here. Beautiful kitchen. Your house is so amazing.

Oh, thank you, Rob. How is it so nice? My house always looks like it's just been burgled. I'll be honest with you, Rob. Out of shot. Do you know what we have done? What's that? When our daughter was at nursery,

we got rid of, I'd say, 70% of the toys that are in the kitchen. And it's been a complete game changer. Really? So where are all her toys then? A little place called Oxford. Also, I think as well, we are moving away from having toys in the front room and kitchen now to like,

if you want to play that toy, you can play in your bedroom, bring it, bring it down from your room. No, you don't have to be exiled up there, like frozen, but you can bring a toy down,

but it's, it lives in your bedroom because the front room, I spent half an hour tidying the front room. When it gets to summer, the garden's like, oh, fuck, is that a boot sale?

Oh, mate, toys in the garden can absolutely do one. Teddy's in the garden, it starts to rain. Oh, my God, it's a supermarket sweep trying to save Simba

from a downpour. It's a joke. Now, Rob. Yes. Do you know what? We'll save it for next time. I was going to say, and it's not like we're ever going to need content

in the next three months because I'm going to be honest with you. I think I'm going to have some pretty long grumbles. But at some point, we do need to discuss you telling me how to promote my book because I am very, very bad at self-promotion. Because you're very good at self-promotion, aren't you?

You just have to have no shame. What, Tom Allen's book? Yeah, just have his book. Just put your cover on it and it'll go quite as a good book. It'll sell really well. I do think you just have to don't be unapologetic. You don't have to be arrogant about it, but just keep telling people about it and just be proud of it as you are.

It's a really funny book. You've worked really hard on it and you're proud and you want people to read it because you think they'll have a good time there's nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with that josh no there's nothing wrong with that you've worked hard on something you think people will really enjoy it you're not taking it to an old people's home and just you know going here they are 50 quid each i think you should buy it like you're doing them for double glazing you know i mean you're speaking to people you've provided free content for for a year and said i've got a book here I think you might like. Give it a go.

And you don't even have to read it. Just buy it to get the publishers off our back. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Get the publishers off our back. They're very laid back in the publishing industry, Rob. They're very laid back in the publishing industry. It's very chilled, isn't it? You're like, oh, I don't think I'm going to make that deadline.

They're like, yeah, yeah, fine. And you're like, bloody hell, mate, you need to work in TV. They're fucking edgy as hell. Well, I think it's because if you work in TV, last leg, one of the most successful brands on telly of the last sort of 20 years is getting 7p per royalties. Imagine a published one that knocked out the Bible. What do you do?

Do I do the Bible? Also, as well, my kids are obsessed with saying poo-poo, wee-wee, bum-bum, and bit-bits. Yeah. And I don't know what to do. Poo-poo's huge in this house. I think it's fine, isn't it? They're just into it.

Yeah, but my three-year-old keeps getting her arse out and shouting bum-bum. When do they stop doing that? Well, I don't know. If we base it on her mother, the last hen-do she was on, I think. Malia, 2014. The other day, we were, so what I do with my daughter during bedtime, one of the many distractions is she'll stand on the radiator

and look out of the, it's a first floor window. Yeah. So she's kind of framed by the window and I'll hold her up there, right? The radiator's off, obviously, the it's a first floor window yeah so she's kind of framed by the window and i'll hold her up there right the radiator is off obviously because it's summer i'm not like torturing her um but the other day she was stark naked and i was thinking this must look very bizarre yeah there's just a completely naked person just stood absentmindedly trying to spot a bus in the window. Yeah, I think he put some knickers on her, mate.

Well, she doesn't give a shit, mate. Even Michael Jackson had his kid dressed when he hung her out the window. I'm not hanging her out the window, just to be very clear. Well, it's a bit cold out here, Dad. The window is closed. Bit breezy.

Yeah, a bit breezy, bit breezy. Have you got any more emails? Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh, loving the podcast. Listening from New Zealand. I'm a 44-year-old mum of four kids, age 22, 20, 16 and 14. The stories bring back lots of memories when my kids were small. I thought I'd tell you a more recent story so you can feel better about your parenting.

In 2019, I travelled to the UK to see my family and friends with my ex-husband and two youngest children. Towards the end of the visit, we went to see some friends in Wiltshire before heading to see my family and friends with my ex-husband and two youngest children. Towards the end of the visit, we went to see some friends in Wiltshire before heading to see my uncle in Devon. I have known these friends. I love it when people come from, like, countries that are, like, I know New Zealand's smaller, but, like, when they've travelled far, they'll just, like, jump in the car for six hours. But in this country, we're like, fuck off.

Going to see a completely beautiful place four hours away. Leave it out. I'll just go to my local. Anyway. I'm not going through the Blackwall Tunnel. That'll take me half an hour. This time and I don't care how big the gorge is in cheddar. I'm not driving that far for a fucking cheese.

Anyway. So towards the end of the visit, I went to see some friends in Wiltshire before heading to my uncle in Devon. I have known these friends since we were babies and may have got a little overexcited. We had a few drinks and ended up staying up until 2 a.m. The next morning, we were due to leave mid-morning. I woke up feeling very average.

I hoped a shower might fix it, but I started to feel worse. I vomited, hoping that was it. Unless I was wrong. I then vomited outside my friend's house, and their dogs licked it up. Oh, my God. My ex decided we should go to Avebury. That's a classic tourist idea, isn't it? You're hungover.

Let's go to fucking Avebury. Anyway, after a windy five-kilometre drive, I jumped out the car and discreetly vomited in the car park by covering my face with my hand. I waited, lying down in the back of the car, for my family to walk around Avebury. She's completely tapped out the walk. She's lying in the back of the car.

Oh, my God. Then started the mama three-hour drive to Devon. The long, straight roads of the motorway with the window down should have eased my churning stomach. Unfortunately, only another 20 minutes into her drive, I started to feel very unwell again. Oh, my God. My husband was driving in the outside lane.

I had two options. Tell him I was going to be sick and pull over. I knew this option would make him angry, too discreetly vomit out the window. I chose two options. Tell him I was going to be sick and pull over. I knew this option would make him angry. Two, discreetly vomit out the window. I chose option two. Oh, no. As I vomited out of the window at 70 miles an hour, my 15-year-old son started screaming.

His window was open, and now my watery bowl had covered him. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Needless to say, my husband wasn't happy with option two, and neither were my kids. Definitely not my finest parenting moment, but sadly, probably not my worst. Thank you, Rochelle.

Rochelle, wow. Oh, my God, imagine that stage when your kids can actively judge you like that. When they just go, Mum, you've drunk too much. This is pathetic. Yeah, my daughter, when I got drunk, we had some friends around maybe a month ago in the garden, socially distanced, et cetera, et cetera. That's what annoys me, right?

Before we do this, about that thing of like safety. Like I saw, one of my biggest annoyances is someone when they've got a kid that's about two or three that is running about in a car park and they're not watching them properly when they're getting stuff out of the car and the kid's running around the car park. So I'm like, oh my God, just get that kid.

Get all the stuff out before you get the kid out. I saw this kid literally weaving in between traffic, right? Wearing a fucking face mask. And I'm like, if you're that worried about your kid's safety, how about you keep your fucking eyes on it in a car park? You silly cunt. A car park is a terrifying place to have a child put a mask on the kid in an outside car park when they're three right i'm not anti-mask but

no i'd say stopping your kid getting run over in a car park's probably higher on the list than a fucking bit of covid that's my edit sorry josh sorry you're using the garden socially distanced yeah so we all got a bit pissed, right? A couple of days later, my daughter, who's three, says, Daddy, you drink too much beer when your friends are here. And I thought, there's no way she's come to that conclusion herself. That's been planted by my wife, hasn't it? She's had a word.

She's had a word. There's no way my daughter's gone. Do you know what? These guys should at least, they should have a water between each alcoholic drink to pace themselves about. Get off the Stella, Dad. Have a four percenter. Break it up. Come on.

So I think that was planted by my wife, but we'll see. We'll find out, yeah. She won't listen to this. But she's got a planned C-section, so let's leave it for the moment. Bring it up later. Leave it for the moment. Well, we come to the last episode before that rob yes the end of it um small business shout outs yes let's do it hi there rob and josh please let me start i'm a massive fan of you both and find you absolutely excellent and i'm a strong follower and giggler less of the fucking ass licking we're

gonna say the shower anyway don't need to do that um secondly i'm currently pregnant with my third baby and your podcast got me through lockdowns and traveling to work thirdly please can give my business some love and give me a shout out i run a business called mummy massage i specialize in pregnancy postnatal and swedish massage across farmbrachislers bromley beckinham and bexley Heath, probably further afield as well, but southeast and Kent. I also have a downloadable baby massage course online for caregivers to access and purchase. This is Alex Mummy Massage. Mummymassageuk.co.uk or Facebook, it's Mummy Massage, and Instagram, it's Mummy Massage.

So if you want a massage, go and speak to Mummy Massage. And that's Alex. It would be funny if that was like, I specialise in pregnant women's massages. My name's Ian from Telford 53. But that's Alex. Hey, Rob and Josh. Firstly, we're all super mega fans of the podcast.

So a huge thank you. Secondly, we've launched a business. It's called That Works For Me. We launched it just over a year ago, six weeks before COVID ruined our lives. Something like 75% of women drop or change their careers after having children because businesses aren't able to flex around family life.

And we think that's shit. Particularly as all these women have spent all their pre-children lives establishing brilliant careers. Our website connects all these amazing parents and carers with growing businesses that need help but not on a full-time basis the business gets someone brilliant and the children get to see their parents a win-win for everyone uh our website is thatworksforme.co.uk takes a minute to sign up then they can start looking for flexible work or if you run a business of your own and you need some expert help then think of us first we're super affordable

and our talented members are bloody brilliant from jess nick jem charlotte roxy and the two emily's that is a great idea rob yes it is it is very difficult for instance tv is a very difficult industry for women who've just had children to go back into because it's so the hours are so long and it's kind of not very flexible so i think that is a great idea that works for me.co.uk give it a check it out and mummy massage right that's our small business shout outs um josh good luck. And let's speak on Friday. And that'll be pre-recorded as well, won't it? We'll pre-record that.

And then we'll show the first baby update next Tuesday. And in real life, Rob, we're going for my final drink tomorrow night. Yes. We're having a business meetup, aren't we, Josh?

Yes, but it is outside. It is outside. Social distance, et cetera, et cetera. Because it's a business meetup we could do it inside although we wouldn't be able to consume any alcohol is that the rule i don't know okay um but yeah business but i don't know what we're gonna talk about um merch maybe some merch

maybe some merch would you buy some merch what would you want in the merch that'd be good what merch would you want i think we need to get sort of Baby Grows with something on. Yeah. Any quotes from the show that you would buy on a mug? I think... Keep it simple, babe. Right, see you next week. See you later. Friday, Friday. See you on Friday.

Friday. Oh, my word.