Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP34: The new baby is here!!

Episode Date: May 18, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP34: The new baby is here!! More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavorful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelized onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell.

The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing.

Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parents in Hell with Rob, Beckett, James you say it Acaster Ed Gamble unbelievable getting trolled who are those stiff necks oh what should we eat for dinner fuck off who cares

get yourself fed and shut up. Not having it. All right, Josh. Thanks for helping us, keeping us sane during the past year. Here is our son, Max, who will be two next month in his attempt at the intro. We think he might be trolling you. He? It was.

I'll tell you who it was. It was Harriet Batten from Worthing that was trolling us. Harriet Batten from Worthing. That's disgusting. Little Max didn't know what was going on. He was like a member of the Jackson Five. He was just forced to perform. Didn't want to do it.

Josh, congratulations. How's your week been, Rob? Well, come on. It's not about me, is it? Actually, yeah, I've got some things about the school run I want to chat about. No, you had a baby, Josh. Congratulations. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Well, I say you. Rose has done most of the work. Nine months ago, you put a shift in. But since then, it's been Rose. Congratulations, you two. How's it going? Well, should I take you through my week? Is it easier that way?

So, Rob, everything is good. We had the baby. Let's get all the details out. Let's get all the details out. Let's get all the details out. Tuesday evening. Tuesday evening. Yes. It's a boy,

which we knew in advance. Wait. Okay, why? What are you going to do? Just a bit of fun. Just a bit of fun. You can do jokes

when it's nice, sensitive things about the birth of a child. He's got to get used to these jokes. He's exactly. I'm a dad. I'm a two times dad now. That's my kind of humor these days. Imagine your dad being an observational comedian. The things he's going to be told. Have you

ever noticed that? Shut up, dad. But he's got to get used to it, hasn't he? Exactly. Exactly, mate. So wait, 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven, like the shop. Like the shop, exactly. That's quite, that's not small, not big. That's pretty decent. Standard baby. Decent wedge.

Standard baby. Then I forgot they lose weight for the first few days. Oh, do they? Yeah, they do. Because the milk's still coming in, so they lose weight for the first few days. Mine were really little. Mine were 5-11 and like 6-5 or something when they were born. But they were really skinny.

But 7'11, good weight. Yeah. Well, should I take you through the week, Rob? Yes, let's go through the week. Very nervous waiting on the Tuesday, wasn't it? Yeah, so I went a bit mad and did lots of house tasks. Okay. Because we needed to be in the hospital for 4pm.

And it's all downtime. I don't even like an afternoon flight, never mind an afternoon C-section. No, exactly. So I ended up doing loads of like stuff that we'd meant to do. And has your daughter gone to her nan's at this point? No, no, so my mother-in-law was

in our house but you know, everyone was hanging out and we didn't really need three of us man-marking the daughter. So I did stuff like... Man United against Barcelona in the Champions League final. Exactly, she's not Neymar. She's not Neymar, Rob.

Also, it would just make space. Anyway, so I got rid of some books. Okay. I just needed stuff to do. Do you know what I mean? Do you mean get rid of them? Throw them away?, charity shop bag? Well, unlike your wife's placenta, our bookshelves are at full capacity.

Oh, are they? At Stiffneck Villas. At Stiffneck. At number one Stiffneck Square. Number one Stiffneck Square. Send them around here, mate. It's just full of Lego. Lego and DVDs

that I haven't got anything to play on so I did that put some books on the wall just did lots of menial house tasks to kill the time do you know what I mean yes yes and other stuff like

go and buy snacks oh for the hospital yeah stuff like that stuff like that okay so then 4pm go to the hospital now ivory tower confession Rob oh yeah and I think I think I should just be honest stuff like that. Yeah. Okay. So then 4pm, go to the hospital. Now,

ivory tower confession, Rob. Oh yeah. And I think, I think I should just be honest about this. Okay. Due to the fact I wanted to stay in, we did,

stay in the hospital. Stay in the hospital. Yeah. We did pay to go private, Rob. Ooh. Yeah. But does that make me a bad person?

I think that's okay. Isn't it in this day and age? I'd say you're freeing up another bed for someone in the NHS. And also, Rob, I didn't want to be sent home at 6pm like my friend was, because I thought I can, if I want, I could stay. So I did it, Rob. Yeah, because once you've had the baby, it is a little bit, we had about 20 people in a little ward, and you just want to get out of there straight away. But yeah, no, there's nothing wrong with that. I won't judge you for that job good good because i tell you the reason people will just so you know yeah of course but they won't and also for me it's great because it just shows how much of a you know normal guy i am yeah of course of course or just that you

had your children before you'd really reached the levels that you've reached now i did propose to lou um before i started any work on telly that i knew i had booked in because when you do start working on telly your wife will expect a booked in. Because when you do start working on telly, your wife will expect a better engagement ring. So anyone out there that's starting a business or your apprentice or, you know, you're working your way up at a company, just at a junior level propose because there's less expectation on the ring. It's a little life lesson for you.

Get the engagement in the bag. Whatever your job is, just get the engagement in the bag, early doors, get the marriage done quick as, and in that way, when you do progress and start earning a bit more, you won't have to waste

so much money, spend so much money. Obviously it's a waste, is it, the wedding? It's not a waste, Rob. It's not a waste, is it? Those rings hold their value and as long as you get it

at the end of the marriage, it's yours to sell on. Yeah. Fingers crossed, she'll die first. Get your money back on the ring. That's how marriage works so the reason i tell you this rob yes you went private yeah but i wouldn't say it's something

that i wanted to bandy around but the reason i've decided to tell it in the in the podcast is that we had a bit of an error on the way oh no what happened so um we use the, you know, the black cab app free now. Oh yeah. And so quite often we end up with the same cab driver, a very nice man who lives on an adjacent road to us. Okay. Who always is in his house and then picks up the journey, right? Yeah.

So the day before my wife had gone somewhere and got in the cab. He'd asked her about it and he'd said, what hospital are you having it in? And she'd been too embarrassed to say. So she'd named a adjacent hospital to the one we were going to. Because she was a bit embarrassed that you were going private. So she gave a fake hospital to stop the embarrassment with a cab driver. Which I'm not going to lie to you.

I've done myself. I've done myself. Fair enough. Yes. It's best to be honest. It's best to be honest, okay. It's best to be honest. Yeah. On the day.

Oh no. Same cab driver? Yeah. Starts taking you to the fake hospital? Well, I'll tell you now. So you put your destination in. Now I thought there's a 10% chance we're going to get the same cab driver.

So I decided to put a nearby Pret-a-M a manger as our destination in case he picked us up okay so he just saw he was taking you and your heavily pregnant wife with an overnight bag for a quick sandwich well no what we did is we got in and we were like if you're all right to just drop us at the we're going to get some taters we're going to get some stuff for the birth. It's weird, though, that you're happy to tell all the listeners in private, but face-to-face it's more intense, isn't it? Well, I think, to be honest with you, I think the story is embarrassing enough to counteract

my willingness to tell the listeners. Also, I can't emphasise enough, Rob. Yeah. I got to stay over. That's a nice experience because at some, especially you can, you know, get a bit sidetracked, can't you? But if there's space for you to stay, then that's nice, isn't it? For you and Rose. Yeah.

With the baby. So you stayed, how long were you in there for? Two nights. Like a mini break. I'm not going to lie to you, Rob. It was the best holiday I've had in fucking years. And I'd say the best thing about it... Because they sleep a lot when they're first born, don't they?

They sleep a lot, but we did have some bad periods in there. But I would say the best moment, which at the time felt like a negative, but actually the no visitors due to COVID rule is a gift from God. Because you don't have to tell them no. You don't have to tell them no. You don't have to tell them no.

And no one can come and see you. No one can come near you for 48 hours, Rob. Yeah. So it's just you Rosie and the baby and it was it was quite so it was quite nice

it was very chill Rob apart from so we get there you've got two hours before the um caesarean

I'm very tired Rob you are you are it's a little I can actually see the cogs in your brain yeah so

the difference between a emergency caesarean and a planned cesarean yeah it's very different rob a bit more a bit calmer one of the most chilled out places i've ever been in my fucking life really was it sort of like like one of them weird fields at glastonbury it was unbelievable so they said do you want have you got a playlist we didn't have a playlist but they they had some chilled out beats don't worry about that no but was you tempted just to put on like really hardcore drill or drum and bass just to put off the search well i wonder what they've had i this was a problem with the playlist is even if i picked stuff i liked i'd be too

worried about other people not you know like how much pressure there is if you're like djing like do you know what i mean if someone says if you're at a friend's house they say put on an album you're like oh shit now i've got to choose everything everyone likes yeah and also there's pressure on you may put a bit of a wild card song on there but if that's the song that's playing as the baby's removed yes then that really defines that baby doesn't it like that's you know yeah exactly exactly so we didn't do that but right it was unbelievably chilled to the point where the guy doing the operation during the operation he was chatting to us oh no like a cabin you what jimmy car's like he probably knows mate um he's probably delivered a couple of his androids they just get sent by amazon i think

let's prime another one you must have been because basically as well because i don't know if you've spoken about it on here but first your first child was a very stressful traumatic and emergency c-section kind of thing. Well, we were induced. Yeah. Rose was induced, I should say. And you as well. Take one for the team. Yeah, but I didn't dilate at all, mate.

And I made her do it three or four times. I was saying, this stuff is not working, mate. Get it up there. Let's see what I can produce. And then, yeah, we didn't, it wasn't happening. So we had to have an emergency C-section at half four in the morning. Oh, God, yeah. Which we discussed.

So you must be so anxious about it. But actually, it was probably quite a relief that it was quite chilled. It was very bizarre. It was surreal. I, like, obviously you go in and you, I'm sure you had this. There's this unspoken worry of what could go wrong obviously yes yes but they're so obviously so confident because they do it every day millions of times that not millions the money you'd earn a million cesareans a day even a quid a cesarean you're doing well um so we did that yeah oh so yeah that's good and how's rose was rose all okay like yeah so obviously did you see what was happening

or was you just behind a sheet rob i've never seen you this do you want to see the photos they got me of the first cesarean we had oh yes take send those to me um can you so did you see anything cause you just said so there's a sheet like a kind of um you know like a barrier yeah i saw and then they bring it down when the baby's being pulled out yeah so did you see like inside rose's stomach um yeah no i i saw some the baby coming out of some kind of sack. Yeah. That's what I saw. Okay.

Which I know has a technical term, but you are aware how tired I am. I couldn't even think of the word caesarean. It was a brown sack used for spuds normally. Some reason it was in there. God knows why. It said swag on it. So... reason it was in there god knows why it said swag on it um but uh so you don't know what's going how much sleep have you had how much sleep i had last night about four hours broken oh god four hours broken okay which i was quite pleased with but now yeah that's good but it's still

terrible isn't it so the first one rob the first cesan, one of the midwives said, do you want me to take some photos? In an emergency one? Yeah, I know. If it's an emergency, I don't think someone should do photography as well as be a nurse. We don't get a fireman going, do you want a couple of pictures of this for insurance? I don't think that's a nice analogy for women, Rob.

Okay, okay. No, I think it was very funny. Let me find this picture because it really is worth it. But we can't put this on the Instagram. Oh, don't do it then because people just get jealous that I've seen it and they haven't. I wouldn't get jealous of seeing this. Oh, God. I had a couple of look back at some photos of when our kids were born.

And at the time, Lou was like, Oh my God, it looks so dreadful in these photos. I'm like, Hey, don't you look lovely? And B-Rose looked back and was like, Oh my God, Lou,

you look like you're about to fucking die. She looks like. So Rose isn't in this, Rob. Okay. I'm going to send you this and you feel, I want you just to describe. So this is more or less what I saw this time,

although I don't have photographic evidence. All right. Okay. I'm going to say it. I'm sending it via WhatsApp. I've double-checked the address three or four times. This would be a disastrous send to the wrong number. Well, you could send it directly to the Daily Mail.

Are they still... Sorry! I've just seen it. Oh my God! It's so weird because it's a brilliant photo. Because it's like actually, it's actually the baby sat up on a chair inside Rose's stomach. That is so weird, Josh. It's so intense, isn't it?

Oh my God, it's so weird. I don't like it. It looks like Alien. It does, doesn't it? It's just a baby sat up in your wife's stomach. Yeah, covered in blood. I don't think you should have sent me that. It's all right.

Is it? Yeah, I mean, you're not going to send it on. Don't send it on. Well, I have. I've sent it to them by the line, and they just said, who's Josh Whitaker? I'm going to delete it, Rob. You've seen it.

I've seen it now, yeah. But it's gone. It's gone. There you go. I can't have that on my phone. That's mental. Yeah, so there we go. So then first night was good.

So you stayed in first night and then your daughter's at the nans or at her home with your with your mother yeah uh second day great and then some pretty intense feeding what for you or her so feeding from 3 p.m till midnight oh and is breastfeeding breastfeeding it's from 3 p.m till midnight oh and breastfeeding breastfeeding it's from 3 p.m till midnight on the boob is that normal because we got we like we didn't do loads of breastfeeding they struggled to latch on mine and we did bottles after a few months yeah well there's a lot of the word tongue tied being thrown around oh okay and uh in the end we had to kind of we gave him a bottle uh of formula which finally got him to sleep um which I'd say was probably one of the greatest moments of my life because.

God. Yeah. Well, our youngest, she, I don't think she was tongue tied, but I definitely think she could, she just couldn't physically like Sean and Lou really took to heart and she

got really down about it because she, you saw when you, especially when it's your first, you sort of, I think Lou sort of felt like she wasn't, she was a failure because she couldn't do it because you're so told you have to do it. And, you know, obviously it is good for kids and its benefits, but if you physically can't and the kid physically can't latch on,

then what can you do? And I think you're better off sometimes just letting the baby have her bottles if you can't latch on and then just beat yourself up. That's what the midwife was like. You don't have to prove anything to anyone here. Do you know what I mean? Just let's get this baby happy and fed. And at that point you're going,

I could have some sleep now, or I could, you know, it's a bit like, not to use a football analogy, but let's use a football analogy. Yeah. Come on,

please. You know, when you're like, when you've got Arsene Wenger and you're like, just fucking shore up your defense, mate. You're not proving anything to anyone with this kind of purist football. I don't care if you're playing the beautiful game.

We're losing two nil-ons at Stoke. Let's get the bottle out and fucking live our life. Come on. Let's bring the morale back in this house. We've got the eldest kids crying. My wife's getting depressed. I'm not sleeping. Get a bottle down that fucking kid's throat and let's get some sleep.

Exactly. Exactly, Rob. Come on, let's do this, people. It's been like bodybuilders. Let's do some steroids. Let's stop fucking about with weights here. Let's get this shit moving. Come on.

I don't care if I'm going to have a tiny dick, mate. I'm going to get ripped. Oh, Rob, talking of that. Yeah? You've got two girls. I've got a girl. Yep. Baby's balls are weird.

Really? They're big. What way? They're big. In comparison. Like a hamster. Like a hamster. They've always got massive nuts, hamsters.

Oh, it gives you so much. It's much more difficult to clean the shit off, Rob. Oh, is it? Of course. It's much more difficult to clean the shit off, Rob. Oh, is it? Of course. Because also, you're very worried that you're going to give him a hit in the balls by mistake.

Do you know what I mean? Yes. I think you, yeah, because I sort of think you've got to be, yeah, you don't want to be, if there's a stubborn stain, you don't want to rub too hard. No. Of course, you know. Such advertising terminology.

If there's some stubborn shit on your child's knob and balls, you do not want to rub them too hard. No. Do you know what I mean? Such advertising terminology. If there's some stubborn shit on your child's knob and balls, you do not want to rub them too hard. No. Do you know what? There we go. There's one for our lockdown parenting hell. No context Instagram feed. Well, has he had a boner yet?

No, he hasn't, Rob. No. Early days. Yeah. Well, not to my knowledge. Most of the time I'm not looking at it. Yeah, you've not got a ring doorbell on it. No, exactly.

But yeah, because that's just girls and I've never seen a baby's dick. No. So it's harder to clean, is it? It's just there's more, I'd say. Now, I'm going to go into extreme detail here, but I think it's a parent's podcast. Obviously, foreskins, do you have to clean behind a baby's foreskin? And at what age does that, or do you just leave it alone until?

I don't know. I don't know what the rules are. And to be honest with you, they didn't mention it at the hospital. And it wasn't one of my first questions. Obviously, I'm not saying it's what you've always thought. Because as a man, I haven't. Now I'm thinking, I don't know, Rob. What do you do?

What do you do with a baby's bellend? Do you leave it? Do you clean it? Because as a grown-up, I'm still hooded up to the max. No snippy snip for old Bobby Becks. And obviously, you do have to clean it in the shower. Yeah. Don't you?

You know, it's part and parcel of your hygiene regime. And I don't really know what. Sometimes the girls might need a bit of cream on their bits yeah if they're a bit dry or sore with a nappy that is very much lou territory yeah she deals with the vaginas in my house i don't get involved in that because i sort of feel like i'm i'm coming from a point of view of i don't understand that world yeah let lou do it do you know what i mean so i imagine that knob and bollocks is going to fall into your remit. Yeah, I suppose it is. So I suppose I've done,

I've done the, obviously I'm on nappy duty because Rose is basically bed bound at the moment. Yes, of course. Cause it's that proper surgery, isn't it? So she can't drive or anything. So we came home.

Yeah. Uh, luckily, uh, different taxi. Um, yes. Got home. Uh, I'll. Yes. Got home.

I'll be honest with you. The thing I was most worried about, as you know, was my daughter reaction. Yes. So two nights she'd been away. Two nights she'd been away. And she was really positive. I genuinely, I would say it went 1,000 times better than I thought it was going to. But that is classic anxiety, Josh.

It is. The reality is never as bad. No, when what I should have been worried about was the lack of sleep, Rob. But I hadn't even given that a fucking thought. That, you should have been anxious about that. I should have been anxious about that. And you wasn't. I wasn't, Rob.

So was she excited to see him and very gentle and friendly? Yeah, absolutely. So far, she's absolutely loved it. This is Friday morning. We got home yesterday afternoon, and she was very positive. She didn't go. We didn't want her to go to nurse. Well, we offered her the option of going to nursery today.

And three or four days old, your baby is at the moment. Yeah. Doing this, back at work back at the grindstone three days in whittaker exactly well i thought you know you've got to do this fresh haven't you yeah exactly you can't have six months paternity and tap out i'll be sat here on the own you'd be fucking livid and then i come back and go yeah it was all fine i haven't really got any stories i'd get ellis in 20 quid a show how does he get a raise that was really good and then last night did you get her a present yeah got presents both ways so she got him a present and he got her a present

oh what did he get uh he got her um some kind of uh mice doll house thing that she wanted okay fair enough you've got to remember rob i don't remember the word cesarean very much at the moment so the old mice doll thing the old doll mice thing well anyway so now you find me this morning yes so that's where that's really where we've got to um yeah i'd say he woke every hour and a half, two hours last night. Okay. And obviously your daughter's still in nursery. Well, she's not this morning. No.

Oh, why not? Because we only got back yesterday afternoon and we didn't want to just dispatch her straight to nursery. Good decision, Josh. Let's be honest. We did want to dispatch her straight to nursery, Rob. Dispatch? You can't say dispatch.

Dispatch. One night in a private hospital after you're dispatching your kids um yeah well no yeah i think that's a good idea because it's all exciting and you know so and then like obviously rose is uh in bed and stuff so she'll be worrying about her mom so do you know do you know what happened yesterday evening rob he slept in the evening and that never happened once with my first daughter with my daughter really oh you might have a sleeper so he slept from 8 p.m till 11 p.m we used to be up all evening for the first three or four months with my daughter she wouldn't sleep until kind of

that's quite nice because then if your daughter's asleep and then you get a bit of respite in the evening until you have to do night feed and stuff. I'm just crossing my fingers, Rob, because every time it goes wrong, I think back to that first three months or the last one. Don't do that. I know, but...

Forget that. That's been and gone. Been and gone, Josh. Just now. You're in the moment and it's good. That's good. Just stick with that, yeah? Don't worry about what's going to happen

in a few weeks' time, yeah? Don't worry. Okay. Don't think about what's going to happen in a few weeks time yeah don't worry okay don't think about what happens with you know your your daughter gets a bit ill and he's up in the night screaming then and she ends up waking up the baby and then she he's up again and he wants feeding and you know rose can't get out of bed and you're doing both and you've got a cool day the next day you've got another writing deadline and that all builds up don't worry about that just just be chill. Just think about now. Why are you in such a good mood, Rob? I'm fucking flying, mate.

I didn't want to come in too heavy with excitement. But basically, I've had two coffees. I've had a little chocolate bar in the morning. Was it from the snack trolley? No, it wasn't. Lou went in on the snack trolley on Instagram. She had to go back at some of the commenters. But no, I've had a couple of coffees.

Lego sent me a new Lego that's not even out yet. It's an exclusive. It's the Friends Apartments from the TV show. What? Both their apartments, yeah. And it's got the canoe in it. It's got the chicken, the duck, and all that. Janice is in it.

So I'm very excited about that. I submitted my book off yesterday. It's all done. They're going to come back. is it all done though well yeah i think well no they've got to come back with like no little notes and stuff but it's all fully done and stuff essentially so i'm excited about that and i'm just loving life do you want to give do you want an example of your loose neck approach to life that i'd love to live versus my approach to life that I'd love to live versus my stiff neck approach to life. So I got my third draft changes back from the proofreader. And they were like, can we have these in a week? Obviously, that was last week.

You, I reckon, would have gone, no, we can't. Or you'd have gone, I'm sure it's fine. The way I look at it is I've written this book, right? And you can reword, rewrite a book forever and it will never get released because what happens is over time you think different things. So if you spend too long on a book, by the time you finish writing it, you've changed your opinion. But you just have to look at that as this is-

It's not about changing your opinion, Rob. It's just about making it funnier. Oh, no, mine's fucking quality. This is the thing, Rob. This is what I want is you work on instinct, whereas I... You overthink it. My book's funny. My book is really funny, but they might have a little structural thing come back,

and I'll go, yeah, right, I'll tweak that, but it's got enough jokes in it. And if not, I'll write a couple of more funny bits in. I'll never run out of funny, Josh. That's the way you've got to look at it. I know you won't, Rob. Anyway, I set the book off. I'm flying. So that's what I

was gonna say so yeah so while my baby was asleep I was doing a reread of my bloody book Rob that's no good for anyone mate you're not gonna be able to make it better that time I'll be honest with you glad I did it made some lovely changes added some great jokes but while I was doing it I was thinking me and Rob Beckett have very different attitudes. And this is why he is full of the joys of spring. And I'm worrying about a fucking semicolon. Well, you're further ahead in your book process than me of those little annoying tweets.

We've both written the books, but the little tweets. But there's nothing I can do now until they come back to me, which will be a week or two weeks. There is, Rob. I'll tell you what there is. What can I do now? Worry. That's what I do. Just worry about the things they might say.

Worry about the hypothetical changes they might say. Do you want to know? Do you want to know, Rob? Go on. Do you want to know what it's like being me? Yeah, I do do the first draft i sent off right yeah and then he uh it was over christmas so it was like a month or so to get it back right and then before we got it back i thought i'll just reread it and kind of note up any changes

that i would like to make before he comes back. He comes back and he's like, this is great. Really love it. Really happy with this. I'd make a few changes, these few things. But apart from that, genuinely, you know, great. And I go, I don't think you're being harsh enough. I think you've missed some really bad things that I've done. Why?

I need to change this. I need to change this. This is what it's like, Rob. So what did he say to that? He said, yeah, you can change that if you want, because I trust you, because you've written it, and I really like it, and it's really good. Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, I do want to change that, and I do want to change that. But you can change it forever. No, I know I can change it. Well, I can't, Rob, because there's deadlines deadlines but i had the time in my bag rob so he's come back he's basically gone his words were we could put this out now and i said we fucking couldn't mate this is 60 as good as i want it to be because i've got a fucking problem and my problem is i've got a stiff neck you've got you're being too my problem is I've got a stiff neck.

You've got, you're being too harsh on yourself. Do you think I'm being too harsh on myself? Do you think I was rereading a chapter about fucking you bet at 3am

two days into a baby's childhood and you think I'm being too harsh on myself? Right, Josh, if you was writing a serious book, right, that had to be spot on about economics or race or politics but no one's gonna go I don't think Josh has really

put his heart and soul into this chapter about you bet no one is not that bloody not gonna say that Rob because I've put my fucking arm Rob it's exhausting being me it's exhausting being me. It's exhausting. And you're having a great time. Your life is so much fun. You're out in Soho abusing a posh woman for having a go at you. Meanwhile, I'm at home double-checking the spelling for Andy Peters, whether it's an I or a Y. It's an I. I know. It was a bad example. I know that one off the top of my head.

Josh, that's not your job. That's what the publisher's job is. No, I know. It was a bad example. I panicked. He panicked. He panicked. Well, my book is about not being too harsh on yourself, because I used to be like you, Josh, and everything used to be like that. And it was exhausting. And I've changed the way I'm operating and I'm enjoying it more.

And I still think the quality is high enough. I think it will be, Rob. And I think I'll read it and I'll love it and I'll hate you. Not only is his book good, he enjoyed writing it. And that's not how it should be. Do you know what the worst thing is, Rob? I've genuinely, I love the process of writing this. That's the dweeb in me.

I'm like, I'm having the time of my life. So as much as I'm going on worrying about it, it's because like, I'm like, oh my God, this is, I'll be honest with you, Rob. I used to enjoy, I used to enjoy work at school and stuff. I enjoy this stuff. You enjoy homework? You like homework?

I enjoy homework and I'm giving myself more and more. Right, but do you think though, you'll only pat yourself on the back and say that was a job done if at the end of it, you feel absolutely spent and exhausted to the point where you've absolutely rinsed every part of you to produce it? No, I think I'm genuinely, I'm very very proud of having done this um but and then I think in two years I'll hate it yeah but that's good that shows growth that shows growth if you write a book and then in 20 years time or five years time yeah I believe

everything I wrote there then you know it's wrong but anyway let's let's let's let's move on this has really fired you up this is a weird way to plug a book, one that you're making yourself depressed writing it. No, no, I'm not, mate. I'm absolutely loving burning myself out. Genuinely, I would say this, apart from, like, podcasts, this is the most fun I've ever had at work. No, it surprised me how much fun i enjoyed

writing it to be fair i thought i was going to sort of find it quite difficult but i actually really liked it but what i would say is maybe would it help your mental health if if once the book is published and people have bought it all our lovely listeners that they would like screenshot bits where they predict that you were tired and it doesn't really make sense would that be a good idea fuck off and just stuff like, Josh, I think you might have been on a night feed here. It was actually Matthew Kelly that presented you a bit. Dale went and did Supermarket Suite.

You got that wrong. It might have been when you were tired. Would that help or would that not help, Josh, do you reckon? I'll be honest with you, Rob. When we got the email a few weeks ago from the girl that went to my school who corrected me on a story that is actually in my book, I was fuming. You're a details man.

I'm a details man. And she was wrong, but I've had to change it now because her version's funnier. Because she was right. Well, no, because her version's funnier. So I print the myth, not the truth. You know, it's like the Miracle on 34th Street. You know, why tell the truth and draw a tear if you can tell a lie and draw a smile? Exactly, Rob.

Exactly. On that point, you have been wrong about something else. I've been messaged on Instagram, Josh. No, no, no. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the podcast. I've listened to every single one. However, I was upset to hear the anecdote about the baby at the gig misremembered by Josh.

Another classic sign of burnt out Josh getting stuff wrong. I did that bit there. I was at a gig and it was, I was at the gig and it was Fairfield Hall in Croydon. It wasn't. That was, do you know what? That was a different tour when someone else brought a baby. It's happened twice.

It's happened twice. It wasn't my baby, I hasten to add. How could he forget Croydon so easily? Quite upset by this. I can tell you why I remember that gig. The baby and also it was one of those gigs. It was in December and I was performing on the backdrop to Jack and the Beanstalk starring Stephen Mulhern.

Stephen weren't there though, was he? He wasn't still on stage. So I was just doing stand-up in front of a beanstalk. And obviously you come on and you explain it, but you do think for the first hour when people are filing into the room, they must be going, what the fucking hell is this stand-up show you're coming for? Because when you do a tour show in December, you have to accept to keep the stage with all the pantomime stuff on

because that can't be taken out no exactly so but the worst thing you can do is which i've done once before is you go oh quality look at this you can go up here and i can be the princess in the castle and you spend about 20 minutes climbing up there and go in there and then you realize there's nothing to do there yeah and then you just have to come down some stairs again and it's really awkward and kills the although i would say i once did a gig uh years ago now at the lowry in a uh set that was a kitchen with a fully working tap which was very exciting that is fun because it's a moving part it's a moving part it's a moving part so what did you speak at what was the story with that baby then uh croydon this was a long time that was a

long time ago that was like 2015 so i don't remember it brilliantly This was a long time. That was a long time ago. That was about 2015. So I don't remember it brilliantly. There was a baby. Yeah, there was another book. Wow. It's twice. It's almost like, it's like Back to the Future where the parenting podcast

becomes so successful that people are going back in time and taking babies to your gig like Martin McFly and meeting his dad at the prom. We've got a couple more Instagram messages I thought we could do, Josh,

before we wrap up today. Awful baby names. Okay, this is a good one. This one is from White Nest or White's Nest. I don't know what that is. Sounds a bit like some sort of far-right

radical movement, White's Nest. But I don't think it is. It might just be someone called White and they've got a family that's called White's Nest. Either way, it's got its great spell. Louie White and they've got a family that's called Whitesnest. Either way, he's got his family.

Louis Theroux spends a week with Whitesnest. Whitesnest, yeah. It's in Alabama at their headquarters. Anyway, no, I don't know what it is, but they're called Whitesnest on Insta. Awful baby names. Hi, funny boys of my Fav podcast. We'll keep it short. You're not lying, are you, with Fav?

But must tell you of the names of my mum's friend who named her twin girls in the early 80s. She wanted to invent new names. So, sadly, my mum has lost touch. So I'd love to know what they call themselves now because they were named, and I believe christened, Morpia, M-O-R-P-I-A, Morpia and Chloridia. Chloridia. Oh, that is close to a bad name. It's a H away from an itchy crotch, isn't it?

Chloridia. It is. It is. C-L-A-R-Y-D-I-A. So Morpia and Chloridia. They grew up in Bromley. So they, I may know them. If anyone listening from Bromley knows a Morpia and Chloridia,

in the early 80s they were born. So they're probably about 40 now. In their 40s. Any Morpia, let us know. They must have changed their name. You can't. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah.

That's a tough name. That is. What would you go with? Morp and Clary? Cloridia. It sounds a bit like a company that's invented a COVID vaccine. We've got Morp here and Cloridia arriving from South Asia this week, so we should be able to surge vaccine.

This is a good one about outdated references. This reminded me of something that happened to a friend of mine a while ago. This was from Mrs. Welshie. Her and her boyfriend were moving to Australia and invited friends and family to a party as a leaving do in a nice posh hotel. About two hours into the party, it turns into a surprise wedding. The bride and the groom and her mum knew, but that was it. It was a very exciting, magnificent time. Her mum knew, but that was it.

It was a very exciting, magnificent time. And shortly after the ceremony, I went and found her mum to exclaim my surprise and to have a little catch-up about the surprise wedding. She was very distracted, in fact, a bit frantic. She said, I'm so sorry, I can't chat. I'm trying to sort out these bloody cakes. Turns out, as part of the Australian theme, they'd ordered lots of little cupcakes, all decorated with Australian things. Koalas, kangaroos, Kylie Minogue,

and disgraced TV personality, Rolf Harris. Oh, no. The wedding was literally the day after Rolf Harris's crimes were reported in the press. Oh, wow. And they hadn't been able to stop the cake mixer from including them. Oh, no.

Her poor mum was running around shouting, no one wants to eat a sex offender. Wow, what a wedding. I'll be honest with you, Rob. If I was at that wedding, I'd have 100% wanted the Rolf one, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah, of course. It's a collector's item.

It's a collector's item. It's going to be obsolete soon. It's going to be discontinued on the day of release. Also, Josh, you're getting a bit of trolling on Wikipedia. Someone's changed your middle name. Too tired for this. Your birth name. Because let's see if this is right.

Born in Hammersmith, is that correct? Yeah. And went to Devon. 8th of April, 83? Yeah. Oh, that's all right. My birthday on Wikipedia for some reason is November. So sometimes people say happy birthday to me in November.

Oh, they've got the wrong birthday for you. Mine's 2nd of January, the worst day in the world. Yeah, the worst day in the world. Years active, 2008 to present. Is that correct? Is that when you started? A bit unfair on the first 25 years of my life, but there we go. It was all right.

It was inactive. Ruled out my work at Waterstones. Birth name, Josh Salty Michael Widdicombe. Unbelievable. On Wikipedia, so it must be true. Unbelievable. Do you know, these people, Rob. Yeah.

I can't respond to them. I'm too tired. I've really hit a wall in the last two minutes. I think you peaked at the anger about your book notes. Well, it's not even my book notes. It's my own. I just tire I just, I tire myself out,

Rob. We've got a long old day ahead of you now, haven't you? So what work have you got on? Is it just podcasts you're doing? Are you still doing telly? I'm not doing, no.

All right, Rob, it's not going that badly. No, you've got Last Leg coming. I'm on Last Leg with you soon. Oh, are you?

That's nice. Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah. It'd be nice to see you in the flesh. We'll have a you're gonna have a little pint well no you'll probably have to get home wouldn't you i'll be out in the smash when i my toddlers they're not even toddlers i've got actual children now actual children um no uh so i'm doing um uh this and i've i'm just finishing off that reread through of my book which i should say is really good please buy it because

if you don't come on guys the way i look at it is do you really need to reread it because most people read it once and if they haven't noticed it the first time rob yeah all i can say is i do for my own peace of mind i get lou lou rereads mine for me yeah well there you go because i she tells me if I'm being a prick and she's very harsh when you can't say like a prick yeah Lou has never was talking about this to my mate the other day whatever I do the only bit Lou has never hyped me she's not very good like hype woman so very much doesn't want me to get too big-headed where anything I've ever done she went yeah that's good whatever I've done she'll be, that's good. Whatever I've done. She'll be, yeah, it's good. Yeah. I think, I can't remember the last time Rose, Rose listens to this.

I can't remember the last time she watched anything I've done. Well, Lou, she didn't come and see me do a live show for three years, Lou. Yeah. But why would you? Get us at home. She gets us at home unfiltered, unedited. Not the shackles of the man, a.k.a. Michael, who edits it. Exactly.

She doesn't want to see the mask, does she? But, yes, in conclusion, do buy it because I have, you know, put a lot of effort in. Buy his book, will you? And I'm very proud of it. And don't, when you see him in person, tell him things you think are a little bit rushed. Rob, next week I'll tell you about how many pieces of paper

I've agreed to sign. For the book? Yeah, and they arrived on the day of the birth as I was leaving the house. I was like, oh, Jesus effing. How many? 3,000. I'm doing 2,000.

Yeah, but they know they can push me around, Rob. Bear in mind, I'm a man that goes to them and goes, you're not being harsh enough. Well, I think you should do 5,000 then, if you really want to put effort into this book. I'm going to tell you next week about the instructions that are enclosed because someone did it all wrong. Anyway.

Okay, well, we'll talk about that. Should we do the small business shout outs? And I've got a couple of Instagram messages we could do on Friday. Yeah, here's a small business. I've got a taxi driver who lives on the road next to me um right i'm so tired rob i know okay well let's speed this up um right small business shout here we go my husband is a huge fan of your podcast and told me about your new business shout out oh so you're just using us are you you don't listen oh anyway i'll give you a shout anyway hi my husband is huge fan of the podcast um my mum and i started at the house butlers on

instagram we go into people's houses and clear out kitchens bedrooms wardrobes and make them all beautiful and aesthetically pleasing yes please then if they have any items they no longer want we take them and my nan does a boot sale and all proceeds go to a street dog charity. People love those street dogs. Street dogs. People love a street dog. People love a street dog. That is our audience.

It's street dog lovers. Yeah, they fucking love a street dog. They don't listen to this. Only her husband, but she fucking loves a street dog. Anyway, so anything they don't want goes to a boot sale and the nan donates all proceeds to a street dog charity called At SOI Dog Foundation. Again, I think that's on Instagram.

From Alex, wife of your number one fan, also called Rob. P.S. We had tickets booked for your tour in Brentwood, Rob. Gutted, it got cancelled. Yeah, it did get cancelled. And P.P.P.S. Hi, Josh. What? No mention of your book or tour there.

Oh, come on. That's the House butlers on Instagram do you know what uh we had someone uh Rose had someone come around and do a similar thing with all of her clothes and it is the best that she absolutely loved it what she said you saw out all your stuff you could you say they actually make you they go do you ever and then they sell this other stuff yeah yeah and it just means that you you've got so much rubbish kicking around that you never know what you've got and actually having less stuff rob yes makes you use it more yes exactly and i think sometimes you need that third party to go you're never gonna wear this or they go you look shit in that throw

it away i'd quite like to do that business but be really brutal like it's like it's called like house tidy roast and i go in and go right shower your wardrobe you fucking peasant come here oh when did you fit into that you fat fuck get it in the bin you fucking loser oh what's this running trainers oh yeah good luck with that you idiot fuck off i i maybe i could i could manage how harsh i am but i think i'd like to do that as a business i think it'd be great but until that comes along it's uh at the house butlers yeah let the house butlers do it before i um get into that world because there's a restaurant that does that where they're really rude in america it's called like the worst customer service restaurant and they go what do you want your pieces of shit and then they'll be like

what no really at your weight you be, oh, that's cream. All right, good luck. And stuff like that. That sounds fun, doesn't it? Yeah, I'd enjoy that. People just leave. You sit down and go, I've read your book.

It's shit. And then you run away. I'd go, a sale's a sale. I'll have that. Okay, right. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh and the man with the sexy voice.

Greetings from Sydney. I love what you're doing. I'm very much enjoying hearing about everyone's small businesses i just had to shout out to my mum and sister have started a prop hire company for birthdays weddings and baby showers etc they started this during covid as you can manage not many events have happened as of yet so any help you can give them would be much appreciated they are based in Yeovil Somerset oh the website is www.propandgander.co.uk instagram prop and gander events on a side note I very much enjoyed Josh's shout out to Trago Mills on Mock the Week big up the southwest thanks again there we go this is Rose a primary school teacher with no children of her own, but 30 surrogates.

There are small business shout outs this week. That is a way of seeing your pupils. It's been a pleasure, Rob. It's been, I'm sorry if I've been a bit tired. Do you know what, Josh? I think you're doing excellently. Stop interharming yourself. The book's really good.

I've read an advanced copy of it. It's very funny. You don't need to be keeping, you know, that one, that bootlegleg one no but i've read of it and you're a very talented writer and it's gonna be an excellent book i just need to be more rob beckett well yeah not too much you know i'd say more more rob beckett 2.0 the first incarnation of rob beckett that you met on the open mic circuit was an absolute fucking animal you do not want to be like him he wasn't on the open mic circuit for very long, was he? I'm getting paid, mother f***er. I'm a street dog.

I'll see you on Friday. Who have we got on Friday? Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling. Yes, he's got a newborn baby. He's just had a child as well, hasn't he? About two months old. Yeah.

Yeah, he's married to Laura Whitmore off telly, off Love Island. Off telly. And yeah, very funny comedian very funny man and dad so we'll be speaking to him on Friday

see you then bye