Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP35: Iain Stirling

Episode Date: May 20, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' -S02 EP35: Iain Stirling Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant comedian, writer, presenter and Love Island voice-over star - Iain Stirling. Iain has a new-born baby with his wife and Love Island presenter Laura Whitmore. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and Parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's. At participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. Ricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. And Josh Widdicombe.

Josh Widdicombe Josh Widdicombe Oh, love that. There we go. Much better than that snide Max that was on earlier in the week. That is my new son. He's doing very well, Rob. He's very advanced for his age, actually.

He is very advanced. Hello, loving the podcast. It's been getting me through many of 4.30pm Lazy Parents Club. That is FaceTime with Grandparents very advanced hello loving the podcast it's been getting me through many a 4 30 p.m lazy parents club uh that is facetime with grandparents and roll toys in the general direction of my child while i try and finish a warm cup of tea so i thought i'd send in my sproggs attempt to your names this is evie great name age three from cardiff that is sarahattum. Evie Rattum. It is a nice name, isn't it? It is a nice name.

How's it going, Josh, in the house of a newborn? It's fine. It's fine. We've got quite a full house at the moment, Rob. Really? Pat Sharp and the twins? Yeah, exactly. That's a fun house, isn't it?

Yeah, but I enjoyed it. It's my wheelhouse. It's your world, isn't it, that? Yeah. There's nothing more I like than doing a very, sort of quite a shit joke to someone, but it's very much their wheelhouse and they love it. Exactly.

You know what I mean? It's like, it's when we do the Arsenal jokes on here, I always know this is going to be Rob's scene. I'm more than happy to bring up an analogy to, you know. Arteta. Yeah, exactly. Oh, don't actually, it's quite depressing. Yeah.

Now, we've got a full house. We've got the community midwife is here at the moment. Oh, is she? Checking that we aren't. Terrible parents? Terrible parents. And also a builder who's putting up shelves in my daughter's room because, obviously, I've got a new son. so he is and he's sleeping

on the shelf and he's sleeping on the shelf so he can't sleep on the floor forever space is at a premium in zone two we use zone three what use that what's on you two two yeah expensive on the street cheap on the tube well do you know what mate i'll be honest with you we live so far from a tube we might as well be in zone three, mate. Okay, let's not get bogged down by that. You love it? Let's not worry about the future or the past. We're in the moment.

I'll be honest with you, Rob. It's seven minutes on a bus to the tube and then into town. And the last time I did that, my life was very different. I miss it. I just miss people. You miss people. Your house is full. You've got the builder.

What's your builder's name? Adrian. Very nice man. Adrian? Adrian. He's Romanian. Your house is full. You've got the builder. What's your builder's name? Adrian. Very nice man. Adrian? Adrian. He's Romanian. His son is seven. Yeah.

He's playing for Crystal Palace under sevens. Ooh. Who knew that they could play? I said, what's it like? He said, the standard is unbelievable. Really? Yeah, and he was like,

I was like, oh, and so he said, my son did play up front, but he lacks pace. Lacks pace? He's seven. All seven. They're all as fast as Usain Bolt at seven.

Yeah. No, but you do notice it. Like, my youngest is so fast. And then my eldest isn't slow, but she's quite normal pace. But youngest is like, she's like a bit like, you know, the little blonde kid in Incredibles? It's like a bit like you know the little blonde kid in incredibles it's like mental and it's so weird and how different like the kids can be where my eldest right if i take school on the scooter sometimes if she's tired or can't be bothered she goes hold my hand and she

stands on the scooter and i drag her along yeah like i'm a i'm an ox or a horse cart right yeah and then the other one she's three comes out and she's about 50 metres ahead of me in the street. And I'm like, slow down, stop, stop. And she goes, she says, hold my hand. And then what she does is she holds my hand but also holds the scooter and pushes off and drags me along at pace because I'm going too slow. It's so weird that two kids can be so different like that.

People say this so much. So obviously it's difficult for me to tell four days in, Rob. But I'm fascinated because you just presume when you have your first kid, oh, well, that's what a kid that I create will be like. Do you know what I mean? That is those bits of my personality. But you realize when you've got two, some are more of you, and then some are ruined by your partner's genes.

And, you know, that is when you are breeding, it's something you need to take into consideration. Yeah, it is. It is wrong. Like, obviously, you know, with me and Lou, hopefully they get Lou's brains. But let's face facts, fingers crossed, athletically wise, they get some of me. And that's not a great statement, but what?

You are. I hate to do this. Go on. I think you're one of the sharpest people I know. You might not be what they would term, you know. Academic? Book smart? Book smart.

Yeah, but I would say, do you know what, Rob? I'm tired, but I'll say this. Come on, baby. I was once drunk and I said to my friend Will Briggs, who you know. Yes, I know Will. I said, I think there's only two geniuses in my comedy generation. And you were one of them, Rob.

And the other was Joe Lyson. You really missed an opportunity there to say, Ramesh Ranganathan and Paul Chowdhury. I'm tired, Rob. Oh, that's very kind of you, Josh. You're very intelligent, Rob. you're very intelligent rob you're very intelligent yes i i don't think but i i always struggled with academia for a number of reasons and studying and reading i think i was dyslexic or am i've not had a proper test so hopefully though they won't get

the dyslexia uh part of me now it's gone weirdly deep you've called me a genius and i'm talking about dyslexia but um no but i know what you mean it is weird with what you think your children will inherit off you do you know what i mean yes and seeing what part and it's weird because you sort of think they'll either be me or your partner but actually there are odd mix where they can be both at the same time where like i'm quite loud so my kids can also be very loud but also they can be very quiet and just sit like lew would and study or play with something but I could never imagine you could be both no no exactly it is weird isn't it and then you go what am I of my parents I'm on the loud thing Rob my new baby's very loud oh my god you've got a working class Londoner kid. He was born in London.

The sound of opals. The sound of opals. His cry is so loud that the midwives at the hospital were openly laughing about how loud he was. Oh no! If a midwife notices anything, you know it's mental. Yeah. What you want when your child is born is to a midwife to not even

batter an eyelid or anything that it does but instead they're like whoa listen to him that happened to us where they went oh god dev she's very alert and i was like oh god alert's not good is it what you want is them to go bloody hell he, he's laid back. You want a kid that's basically high on weed all the time, doesn't it? Exactly. They said he was really loud. He's got some fucking pipes on him, mate. He's like Adele, but without the tune. He's like Adele.

You won't hear from him for three years, but then you won't fucking shut up for a year. And then off again. So he is like Adele. We'll call him Adele. Okay, right. Let's get back on track. Oh, I need to talk about,

I've done bad parenting this week. Oh yes, please. Okay. So a couple of things. My kids are obsessed with Mamma Mia. I think I've spoken about this. They basically watch it three times a week. Oh wow.

Like nonstop. And it's only recently and i've been doing this about a year that i've realized at one point in the film meryl streep um calls someone a slut so they have heard the word slut on my calculations three times a week for a year which is about like 150 times yeah see i told you I told you he was smart. Well, yeah, 156 times, wouldn't it? You know. They take two weeks off for Christmas. They don't watch it on a Sunday sometimes.

Yeah. Out of, you know, God's day. So they've heard the word slut, but I've never heard them say it. But it's weird. It just sort of gets passed by. Slut is bad. Do you think they don't realise it's rude? So what you need to do is not flag it.

Yeah, so I've just ignored the slut. because they and they just sing the songs really it's normal the songs but they were singing super troop at the top of their voice in the car the other day like properly loud and then we said can you can you not sing so loud and then the five-year-old went my music teacher says i have to sing as loud as i can so everyone can hear and I just don't know if that's good teaching I think at some point they you've got to teach children about PA systems because Adele isn't the you know doing she's not the loudest she's just the best at singing yeah she's the best isn't she it's not like have you heard Adele? Oh, my God, it was so loud. I could barely hear anything. Yeah, I just, do you know what? I love going to see a band and just seeing how loud they can be.

It's not the Olympics. She started off in Slipknot. That's why she wore the mask. Because she wanted her own career after. Oh, the other thing is as well, Josh, I nearly, I nearly think, I think I nearly blew up the garden. Because I've got a gas barbecue, right? And it was running out of, I was running out of gas.

It said low on the side of it. So I did a thing my dad used to do that I thought was fine. I turned the gas upside down to get more gas out of it so that, you know, normally it sits on its base and then the tube's at the top. So I turned it upside down. So I thought, oh, that way. You're allowed to do that? Well, I don't know.

Well, I don't think so because I did do that and it was working. The flames went up higher, but when I went outside, the tube from the top of the gas canister to the barbecue had frosted. It had all frost and cold on it like it had been in a freezer. And I panicked and turned everything off. I don't know what that means. Oh, my word. What does that mean?

Do I have to just... It means stop, Rob. I stopped it, but now I don't know if I'm allowed to turn my barbecue back on. So if anyone's listening and understands what's happening do let me know do let rob know he looked like elsa had touched it the whole tube was frozen and i was like fuck and then i was so scared so i turned i flipped it back over turned it off at the gas tank thing and then turned the barbecue off and then nothing exploded but i was rid and it was so cold mate rob i don't know why why have you just invented something new i don't get why something something so cold could power something so hot yeah i don't understand how that's happened

because like an elon musk experiment i think it's how you mine bitcoin i didn't know they mind what the fuck is going on? I don't understand it. I don't understand it. I'm sick of teenage boys telling me they're multimillionaires on TikTok and telling me to invest and follow their portfolio. Can I say something about having a baby, Rob? Yeah, go on, mate. You're here.

If you're not going to do it here, where are you going to do it? I have no ability as a winder. A winder? You can't wind? I can't wind for love nor money and i don't believe anyone can i just believe it's i just don't know how to do it rob and i i had this last time and now it's back again and i don't know what i'm doing and i've got i just i don't believe can you do it i think with wind i think with winding is you need to, it's like each baby's difference.

You need to find your technique. So I think maybe let's put a call out for some winding techniques. Some winding techniques. And I tell you which one doesn't work. Lie them on the back, pedal their legs and then lift up their ass, which I found myself doing the other day. Someone had told me it doesn't work. Has no stroking worked.

So have you not needed to yet? The baby's too young. I haven't needed to yet. Okay. We'll keep us posted on the no stroke. Yeah. Yeah you not needed to yet the baby's too young needed to yeah okay we'll keep us posted on the no stroke yeah yeah um i've got some instagram messages if you want to do that before we go into our guests this week um here we go hi rob and josh and sexy voice mystery man michael oh i can't wait for tuesdays and fridays i have a parenting hack recommendation i discovered after struggling to get my two kids to eat anything they're remotely healthy or different for entire year my youngest refused to eat anything other

than lemon curd sandwiches oh my god is he an evacuee what is that good night mr tom sandwich where do you end up on lemon curd sandwiches oh god I don't know I think it's some sort of countryside thing in it um where are they from it doesn't say. Anyway, and my eldest used to treat anything that resembles vegetables as, like, kryptonite. But not any longer. Here is my life-changing tip. I now take a packet of stickers with me to the supermarket. Whenever I see something healthy or varied I want to purchase, I quickly distract them and stick a sticker of their favorite cartoon or show onto the product.

Oh, that is clever. I then trick them into thinking they discovered the item for themselves. And I put up a bit of resistance when they suggested it. Oh, yes. And they get a treat and they get their own way. Tonight we are having Moana broccoli and Paw Patrol pie. And for breakfast, we had Octonauts porridge. It's an absolute game changer.

This is a great tip, Kat. Thank you very much. Yeah, that is really good. It's an absolute game changer. This is a great tip, Kat. Thank you very much. Yeah, that is really good. That's really strong. And oh, another, and then I've got another one here. Just a quick message to say, I love the podcast. You have changed my life. Been listening since day one and you've helped me through the bad

and the awful times of lockdown, but even more so now. As last week, you really changed my life. We have a little boy called Ewan, age four, and his behavior had gotten worse and worse over lockdown. thought he rude the roost but a very embarrassing moment when we took him to see a new school all the other children were well behaved ours was running around crawling under the tables and we literally couldn't stop him even the head teacher said oh that's one to watch and my heart sank as this was my old primary school and the thought of bringing up a brat destroyed me well i thought of you guys and finally purchased some pom poms and a jar.

It's a game changer. Oh, there we go. He's loving it. We don't have a toddler who runs around and hides whilst we try and get him dressed or take him food shopping. He, he says,

please. And thank you. He tries hard at nursery and he's a pleasure to be with the pom pom jars given me new hope that you can be a lovely, kind and calm child. He stains it. He stays in his own bed at night night we know he no longer cries when going out food shopping or nursery or anywhere let's just hope this lasts any tips if the kid gets bored what i would say is josh you have to use it in in in uh fits and bursts you know you people kids get pom-pom jar fatigue it's like lockdowns you don lockdowns. You don't want to have to use a lockdown, but you know it's effective.

But keep them, yeah, I just think, yeah, keep it a bit separate. So stop it for a bit if he's not, you know, listening to it and then start up again, especially if there's something he wants in particular, and then you can use it as a goal, can't you? Yes. We're not on pom-pom jars at the moment. I find pom-pom jars are more needed when there's no structure in the day. It's like in the summer holidays or lockdown or half term.

Half term's not too bad because it's a week. But yeah, when they're in school or nursery, they come home quite tired after being engaged. So they're quite happy to chill. And I think, yeah, that's probably what it is, isn't it? He's four and he's only one of them and he's at home in lockdown. You're going to go mental, aren't you? It's mad, isn't it, when you realise the things that,

when there's a lack of structure to the day, it's so much more difficult, do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. For everyone concerned. And for the kids. Kids like rules. And they like to do stuff. The secret stiffnecks.

The secret stiffnecks rule. They give it a loose one, don't they? But, you know, if they're not getting their nap on time, they're fuming. Exactly. Oh, wow, we're back into napping these days in my life. Oh, you've got a nap master general. Yeah.

They like stuff like snacks. My daughter, if we go out, will never think about a snack because she's engaged in whatever we're doing. Yeah. But if we're at home, she'll always be thinking about snacks because it's just something to do. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.

Because they get bored and stuff like that. But yeah, pom-pom jar it up in the summer holidays, I think. Oh, the summer holidays. Oh my God. Is your daughter off for the whole summer holidays? No, but this will be the last one ever because she's still at nursery next year. She's just the oldest in her year, more or less.

She's October. So she's got one more year at nursery so no more no summer holidays this year oh yes oh yes oh yeah because she's the same year as my daughter isn't she so she's does she starts not this september next september next september yes so we start at the same time exciting josh right guess this week is mr ian sterling comedian uh voiceover guy, Twitch megastar, and married to Laura Whitmore, got a new baby a couple of months old, and good chat this, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was brilliant. Ian is such a nice man. And let's be honest, Rob, he didn't sound as fatigued as we thought he was going to, but then he always sounds fatigued, doesn't he? Yeah, he does. He's sort of a bit, you know, he does sound like he's just got in from a night out. So that, you know, is how people sound when they have children. Yeah, exactly. It makes no difference to his Scottish drawl.

Enjoy it, Ian Sterling, guys. Ian Sterling, thank you for coming on the podcast. New father. We hear that you listened to the Tom Parry one before coming on. I did. I immediately text him afterwards. Like the second it finished.

I said, I know you'll be asleep when you get this because it's two in the afternoon. Yeah, so how old's your baby? A month? Basically, we're right on the month mark, yeah. Oh, bloody hell. That's so soon. And I was talking to, when you were talking to Tom

and yourself, Rob and Josh, we don't really remember that period. I really just wanted something to sort of, as a memento, and I'm terrible at writing and keeping a journal and I'm not good at taking photos or anything, but I suppose I'm all right at chatting. So I thought this would be a nice way to, do you know what I mean? Just keep it forever.

Okay, well, I'm going to say it now. Happy 18th birthday to Ian's baby. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. You've already been drinking for 11 years. I haven't found that the last month, you sound pretty fresh, to be honest. I feel like, I don't know if you had this,

the first couple of weeks, me and Laura were like, because we sort of teed ourself up for this is going to be absolutely mad. And obviously it's absolutely mad. So for anyone that doesn't know, we should explain that your partner's Laura Whitmore, the TV presenter, Love Island and Celeb Juice and stuff. So yeah, it's us two, those people

that you've just described one of them and I'm the other one. And the first two weeks was like, do you know what? This isn't as bad as we thought. And like, when you hear someone else's child cry, it's horrific and the thought of it. And then when it's your own, it's sort of all right. And sometimes when she gets like really sad or whatever,

like, well, like, it like cries a lot. There's something quite sort of, I don't know if you should go mad, but it's like quite. Is this your daughter or Laura? Both, both. You just sort of find it quite endearing.

And then you just, you just think they're so great. You don't mind. So it's, but then I feel like I'm now getting to the stage where I'm like, oh, we're trying to go back to work slowly, little bits and whatnot.

And I'm starting to realize oh yeah this is it this is forever now yeah yeah i i remember that that feeling of going i've signed up to something here yeah i remember getting back from work one day about 6 p.m sitting on the sofa and thinking that's not my day that's it like that's not that's not my day. That's it. That's not done. I'm just beginning. This podcast, this bit of my day right now is the break. So what's your schedule at the moment? How are you splitting the shifts with Laura?

It's working out quite well at the minute. So at the minute, we're doing the old breastfeeding. Yeah. We. We's a bold statement. Yeah, the royal we there. The good old royal we. Every father's favourite we, the royal we.

Do you still like wake up and sort of sit near the breastfeeding encounter to look like you're helping when in reality you're doing nothing? Because I sort of did that for a bit at the start and then eventually you just go to sleep because you're not helping. The mornings are now very much I wake up at 10 and I go, have you fed her yet? Yep, twice. All right, OK, I apologise. So it's a quite good schedule.

So Laura pumps in the morning at night, which gives me enough milk to do this sort of nighttime feed. So we'll feed through to about midnight, sleep time. Then baby wakes up sort of three, half three. I do that feed. Laura can stay in bed. And then baby wakes up about half six, seven. Laura does that feed.

I stay in bed. So we're still getting sort of... That's a nice system. Do you know what's mental? That is actually pretty good, but it still sounds horrific said out loud, doesn't it? Yeah, if you're listening without children, you're going, what is wrong with these things?

That sounds like a nice system. Do you know how mad I've gone all day coming up to this podcast, right? I was genuinely thinking, Josh and Rob are going to be so impressed by how amazing mine and Laura's sleep patterns are. And then because it's lockdown and we've got a newborn baby, I've told you,

and you've gone, yeah, but that's still really bad. And I've just realised, oh yeah, that is still horrific. What's happening? Even at the best, you've nailed it, but it's still a horrific thing to go through. Yeah, so that's what we're doing at the minute. So I still, you know, we try, we optimistically try to watch

an episode of Line of Duty last night after last night's sort of midnight feed. And it's not until you're so tired you realise how many characters are in Line of Duty. Anagrams in people's names. You're like, I have honestly no fucking clue who shot who, who is who, who's related to who. And you're both too polite to say,

I'm exhausted, let's go to bed, because you're trying to create like a couples moment. But in reality, you're just trying to stay awake. Well, this is just like watching it. No, it's great. This is exactly like how we used to watch it midnight on four hours sleep let's watch a bit line of duty why not honestly honestly just going back to the stuff like we'll just we watch the recap three times that's all the important bits and we just take that in it'll be fine the tv we ended up watching at that point was just anything that didn't involve any

sort of mental engagement at all do you know what i mean so we that line of duty would have been completely out of the question oh yeah it was the apprentice it was master chef it was all that kind of stuff can i give you a suggestion um bargain brits abroad channel five i watched bargain brits abroad once and it was a guy that had gone over there to be an artist because, like, quote-unquote, his art wasn't appreciated in the UK. Yes, I remember him. And then do you remember,

it was him just walking about a sort of city centre pointing at different restaurants going, they don't do chips, they don't do chips. I quite like watching that, Shano show because it saves me having to do who do you think you are i get to see all my relations what's what's the plan at the moment because of lockdown and stuff and um you both work loads but you're both two of the busiest people um in telly so what's your sort of plan going forward just sort of working it out week by week with the babies it's sort of a 50 50 split of the

parenting is that is that the plan or have you not worked it out yet i think the plan will be to sort of like 50 50 and just sort of streamline what it is we do and whatnot are you heading to the love island ian well exactly yeah that's my next big thing so you're going to take the baby to the island of love well this is the thing going to take the baby to the island of love? Well, this is the thing. I don't know what... From the island of love to the island of love. What a ten months.

Trying to remember all the people's names and the voiceover booth. What is going on? Craig's coupled up with... What's her name again? With the baby crying in the background. You can make a thing of it, though, on the voiceover. Is the plan, because obviously I imagine Laura's be hosting it,

so you're all going to go to the, like wherever you're filming it together then. Well, this is the thing about COVID as well, though, isn't it? Like we don't actually know where we'll be for it. You might just do it remotely. It's a lovely mixture of COVID and Brexit means that going abroad has become all the more... You've got a lot of forms to fill in and a load of jabs to get.

Who would have thought politics would have an impact on Love Island? Who would have thought? It reminds me, the Brexit vote happened during Series 2 of Love Island. And a guy called Terry... Don't feel like you have to take responsibility for it though Ian don't blame yourself I didn't get my postal vote in time

I was absolutely gutted Terry Terry said amazing man he said it didn't because we offered them the postal votes I don't know how many

of them took it Terry said doesn't bother me that much because I spend six months of the year in Ibiza I had a mate I had a mate

who voted to leave and they had a place in Spain and I went yeah but you've got a place in Spain mate so it's much better for us to be in the EU so you can get back and forth and he went nah I went and also you know the exchange rates can be affected but I've already changed all my money up as if like he'll never need any more

that's him sort of I've got a load of pesetas under the bed i'll be fine so you've got no idea what's going on yet then i imagine yeah you might just be at home with the baby little microphone in the corner of the nursery yeah i think they'll definitely put me into some sort of booth because i mean you know it feels too official to record. It's TV. It's not this kind of shit, is it? It's proper. I don't know. I've done some... I've recorded some TV from my house.

You don't need to... I've always thought it's so, Ian. No offence, but you don't need to be in Spain, do you, to do the video? Oh, no, no, no. Every time I tell someone I'm going to Spain to do the voiceover, they're like, well, what, those ones, why are they in their sentence together

it is mad isn't it it is absolutely mad yeah oh they've not got any they've not got any microphones in central London sadly yeah

so you can't record anything I stay in a hotel for eight weeks why just so I can speak into a microphone in defence though Ian because when I worked

on I'm a Celebrity which is a similar turnaround of like record it the day before and then the next day, stuff does get dropped and changed at the last minute. So you're sort of like, you're like a fireman for VO. You're on call at any point. You can be rushed in.

That is exactly, and actually I do have a pole installed that I do sort of fly down. But it is that thing of, in a way, it's sort of, the best thing about it, the first two series, it was definitely better being in Spain because I'm not a huge reality TV fan. At least I wasn't. So when you're in Spain and we stay in a sort of,

it's a very like, it's an old people part. It's basically German pensioners that are there exclusively, that's it. So there's not a lot to do. So you sort of find yourself engrossed in this TV show or just there's what else is there to do really. So it meant that I got well into it, which I suppose was quite good.

And like, do you know what I mean? It became my world, which is quite good when you're working on it. And then, yeah, like you said, things do change fairly quick. So we all know what I mean? It became my world, which is quite good when you're working on it. And then, yeah, like you said, things do change fairly quick. So we all know what it's like turning on a Zoom call for something to tell you, oh, can you record that word again?

And you're just there for seven minutes. Go and click the microphone. But I mean, that's quite stressful though, because I've got jobs coming up work-wise where I don't really know where I'm going to be or how to do it, but I'm not sort of transporting my wife and child there and one of you is doing one thing or the other. So you can't get too strict, but you just, at this point, it could be like, you just don't know what's going to happen and how it's going to work. So you just

have to sort of improvise a bit, I suppose. Exactly. Pre-COVID, this would have been, this would have been, and rightfully so, driven us absolutely mad. But now you have, haven't we all just got to that stage where we're like, oh, do you know what? It'll all work out in the end. What'll happen, will happen. Or if it doesn't, if it doesn't, I've got a day off. Have you been on your own with the baby yet? Or Laura been on her own with the baby?

Like, have you had sole charge of the baby yet, Ian? I've had, well, again, because of the whole breastfeeding situ, I can get get i once looked after the baby for three hours okay it was a fabulous time you put her in that bouncy chair thing have you got one of them a bouncy chair oh i've not not the one on the door i was like she's a bit young for that no no no come on the beyond Bjorn? Not Bjorn Borg. It's not Bjorn Borg. What is it? Baby Bjorn.

But we've gone maxi cozy. Oh, classic. You can't go wrong with a cozy maxi maxi cozy, can you? No. So I put her in that. And then you could just sort of... And I've also worked out how to... You put them in the pram.

Yeah. And then you can put your feet on the back two wheels and sort of get a sort of left to right motion i've got for an entire half a football with them in there a little rocking a little bit of rocking love movement i used to love take they do love moving i just love taking them for walks and listening to podcasts because the fresh air keeps them quiet and stuff it's so counterintuitive isn't it like you just think don't move them don't make any noise and they actually love a bit of noise and they love a bit of a yeah well sometimes when our baby starts crying we go from the pavement

onto like we go off road onto like the grass she's out like a light we off-road it can i just check you mean in the pram not when you're driving oh yeah no no i'm not like calling mccray rallying it about how do you feel, I was very nervous changing them when they're that small. And obviously I did it and I did the nappies and put them in different clothes. But like Lou would love like getting them in. Oh, let's put them in that outfit.

I was like, they're in an outfit. Let's not risk it again. That arm is so little. I've had it so hard. I'm quite good at nappies. I'm very good at socks. I'm all right at trousers. I fall apart.

It's anything that has to go over their head and put their arms in. I'm like, I am going to pull, I'm going to dislocate their shoulder here. Yeah, I just feel like you're going to hold up like a turkey drumstick. Like, oh no, I've pulled too hard. That's exactly that.

I don't know how people do it. My main fear was the soft bit on top of the head. Yeah, it's like an avocado. It's rank. And support the neck. You are in peak support the neck territory. We, and then that's all we do. We sort of ruin the fun of anyone else.

Obviously, COVID is very rarely happens. Yeah. Anyone else that holds our baby just gets... Support the neck. Yeah, but some people don't, do they? And even parents of other kids, they pick them up, their head's rolling around like a bowling ball and you're like what are they doing i hate someone that's got i not i mean hate no do you know what fuck it i

hate people that have got like six seven year olds so they think there's still no babies and they've completely forgotten everything and they pick up yeah pick up your kid like it's an Ikea shopping bag. And they just think they know everything. I'm like, you're six. At least if they're like, if your kid's like 10, 11, they're like, oh, I've not done this for a while. And they take some advice. The owner of a five-year-old throws your kid about like a bowling ball.

Have you had many visitors, Ian? We've the old um six people in the garden that was nice and one of the couples expecting them one of the couples has got a two-year-old so it's this nice sort of like rites of passage moment and all the all the dads had a little beer in the garden discussed where they were at which is really nice and i've noticed that every parent says to me because we're like oh it's all right apart from the sleep it's actually not too bad it's really like she's just so such a brilliant baby and like i mean you think they're so beautiful and i have such a lovely time you know it's not as bad as i thought and they're like wait till this everyone's like wait till they start moving yeah i know but you've got everyone is so pessimistic and it is a

bit harder when they're running about but you can't live in fear like that just if they're good at the moment just just blank that out because you'll always find some miserable bastard and then they'll be like oh i think they're all right or you wait till they start school and then they start school and it's fine or wait till they're a teenager why don't you fuck off i can't wait for you to shut your mouth mate you're not helping my kid's fine give me a break yeah it's mad well Well, you know what it is? It's no one ever wants to hear that someone else is having a good time with their children. Yeah,

that's the problem. No one wants that. I find, honestly, I find that we've been, we've been, I think we've been really lucky. They took to the,

like, boob really well and took to the bottle really well. And I think that's, that's a big, those are the two of the big, big ones, aren't they? When they're small. And then sleep, none of them sleep. No, that's the thing. I think the two, the big, big ones, aren't they? When they're small.

And then sleep, none of them sleep. No, that's the thing. I think as well, it depends how stressful, like what else is going on at the time. If you,

if it's, you know, I think you get in a role, if it's going quite well, it sort of carries on going well. But like out of your friendship group, are you one of the last ones to have kids or one of the first or about the middle? Cause it does change.

Like I had groups of friends that I just stopped seeing when they didn't have kids and then now they started having kids you see them more but have you found that your friendship groups and stuff i find and a lot of people i know agree notice this my friends from back home i'm sort of the last one yeah they're all babied up two three you name it little house outside slow cooker chat all that the whole shebang right how old are you i'm 33 years old which is like you know that's got that's like 50 in scotland isn't it i'm nearly done man people say things like this iphone's been in our gender been in through our family for five generations and um so scotland i'm quite far not far behind but i'm the back end of the curve and then london my mates some of whom are older than me look at me with my baby like i am an absolute maniac and

they can't believe i've made this decision and why am i not waiting till i'm 50 like everyone else but they'll be the 45 year old on a skateboard in but there'll be the 45-year-old on a skateboard in Finsbury Park with a two-year-old going, come on, mate. That's the one thing when you have a baby, when you have a baby,

I'm like, with the sleep and all that, I'm like, I don't think I'd be able to, like, I mean, again, now I'm being negative. You absolutely could. If you're an older dad here,

of course you can. Maybe I just don't look after myself enough, but there is a thought of like doing night feeds when you're in your 40s or something, I'd be like,

oh, I'd be, I don't know if I'd manage it. Yeah, like your your back going as you get up oh god and all that trying to take your son to like five a size when you're like in your 60s yeah i mean i'm 35 and i make a noise putting socks on it's certainly gonna get worse yeah but rob let's be honest you make a noise doing anything, don't you? No, I know what you mean. It's weird, isn't it, that kind of age of... Because, like, I always think that footballers have the children of any type of people. Footballers have kids.

They're always like, yeah, I've got three kids and I'm 22. It's always like that, isn't it? Like, Jamie Vihardi's got about 100. Yeah, I know. Do you think it's just that they've got nothing to do? I think they've got nothing to do. Because they work two hours a day and they've got millions of pounds.

We once saw Ross Barkley at a sushi restaurant midweek and he looked... I know you move in celebrity circles, Ian, but you don't have to hammer it into our face with these kind of anecdotes. He was sat at a table across from us. He just looked so bored, man. Because, like, it's... I think... across from us. He just looked so bored, man.

Because, like, I think... Was he on his own? He was with... It looked like he was with his agent. He was with his agent or a friend that, you know,

they hadn't had a lot to say in a long time. How do you know it was his agent? Did he keep giving him 15% of his sushi? Yeah. It's the last bit of his sushi? Yeah.

It's the last bit of his miso soup. It's that thing. I think I've heard you guys talk about this before. It's like, if I were to be a footballer, it's like you've got all this money and all this time, but you're not allowed to do anything with it. I'd rather not have the money or time. It's like when you have a baby. Having a baby in lockdown is great

because I'm not missing out on anything at the minute. It's when my WhatsApp groups start going like, when you have a baby and lockdown's great because I'm not missing out on anything at the minute. No. It's when my WhatsApp groups start going like, oh, do you want to just pop to the pub on Sunday and they give you like an hour's notice

and you're like, what am I going to do with this information? I actually find that quite offensive. It's so rude. Just don't invite me. You know that I'm not going

to be able to come to the pub with an hour's notice. My mate texts me saying, oh, by the way, I've got a last minute consultation. A rooftop bar, like this nice rooftop bar in London. The day pub's open. I've just had a cancellation.

Do you want to come? It was like in 40 minutes. I'm like, that's awful what you've done to me. And also he's got a four-year-old kid and I had a two-week-old. I'm like, you know. Yeah. I need a month anyway for the baby to be old enough for me to leave.

How are you feeling about June the 21st? Do you think you'll go out for June the 21st? Absolutely not. Phone off. I'm going to throw my internet router in the sea, I think. No Instagram. I'm going to pretend it's not happening. Yeah. Because what I found was, because when your babies are young, I think no Instagram I'm going to pretend it's not happening yeah

yeah because it's what I found was because when your babies are young you actually if you go to work that's seen as a treat

I remember you know so it's like well you went out yesterday I was like yeah to work went yeah but I've not been out yet

this week like oh so I just baby or work that's life now yeah I know and it is quite lucky

that our work is like this is work now yes true and to be fair i have noticed you've started streaming and playing computer games as well which i've do that as well i've tried to do that on youtube a little bit and it is a good way just to get to play computer games isn't it but i just i'll be honest with you i do not earn enough to warrant i don't earn it i'll say enough. I earn zero pounds streaming on YouTube, so it's hard to tell Lou. No, but you need to use phrases like the long game, Rob,

when you're talking to Lou about the long game. I'm breaking into a new fan base. No-one's earning money on YouTube yet. It's just going to take off soon. KSI's all not bollocks. He's earning nothing. Logan Paul, fuck off. No one's earning.

I'm just putting the groundwork in. Yeah, it's just paper talk, isn't it? That kind of, all those figures that are being thrown around. It's imaginary money. How many views are you getting, Rob? I don't think that's the point, Louise. Yeah, it was 80. Yes, you're right.

I would have been better off just to shout in the street. You're sure? But no, I'm doing my best. How are you feeling about the Euros, Ian? Oh, yes. Scotland in the Euros for the first time. Since 1996. Yeah, and 98 World Cup was the last time we were in anything.

98 World Cup was the last time we were in anything. The other day I looked up who was the last person to score for Scotland. It's amazing who it is. I can't remember now, I'm so annoyed Do you feel like the fact you've got a baby means you're going to get to watch loads of the Euros and it's not like I'm just asking

this because that's exactly what's happening in my own head or do you think this is really going to cramp my style when it comes to Scotland games what if the baby's not going down and it's England v Scotland at 8pm on a Friday night? Yeah, what's your plan?

Right, this is at the minute and this is genuinely true. This is a podcast and exclusive. Scotland are going to have three games there. Scotland have got three games, guaranteed. Right? Yeah, guaranteed maximum of three games, yeah. Was it Craig Burley? Craig Burley Craig Burley yeah

against Norway in a 1-0 draw it was 1-0 draw it was we nearly didn't lose to Brazil do you remember that I remember when you

nearly didn't lose to Brazil yeah oh what a day Tommy Boyd scored an own goal yeah he did and then John Collins

used to wink down the camera at his babies his kids at home it was such a lovely touch and I thought it was pathetic and now I think, oh, I'd love to be able to do that. So what's your strategy about this? Love Island, contract negotiations.

You hear about them all the time. I wonder what demands people make. Genuinely true. I said that I need to leave early on June the 18th. That was the only thing I told my agent to negotiate with Love Island this year. That is hand on my heart, the honest truth. Because that's Scotland, England.

Oh yeah, you've got to see that. So that one's in the bag. That has always been, between me and Laura, like that'll be my first proper, I'm out the house. You are properly out watching it somewhere. But you might be out watching it with some German tourists in Spain. Who knows? I'm hoping by about 10pm, I won't care.

So you don't really care where you are if you have to be in Spain for it, but you have got a pass that day to watch that game. Okay. That's good to get that back. Gordon Smart, the radio DJ, great man. He's all over it. He'll organise something, I hope,

where there's just going to be just every single Scottish celebrity you can imagine in a room together. Oh, wow. I want Lorraine Kelly on Martin Compton's shoulders. Lorraine Kelly. Ian Sterling, Kevin Bridges, Nicola Sturgeon.

Nicola Sturgeon. Nicola Sturgeon will be there. I think you've done well there because there's no point doing some of it half-hearted. You know you've got one day that you go mental for and that's it.

Yeah, that's my big day. I'm so excited about that. I think, yeah, we'll try and make something work. Because also, you're from Scotland and Laura's from Ireland. You've done your research, Rob.

Well, you know, I'd like to, you know, leave no stone unturned. But, so, you know, I'd like to, you know, leave no stone unturned. But so, you know, you're away from sort of like parents and help. So have you got a support network? Have you had family come down and stuff? We've had, yeah, we've had people come down.

Again, it's sort of like my parents came down, but again, because of COVID, this is for me so lovely, because obviously they weren't allowed in the house my mum was looking for something to do and ended up getting like an old brush that we didn't even know we had and just brushed all the patio in our back garden because she just wanted to do like housework or anything she could do to help out it's so sweet because she do i mean she was just staring in at the dishwasher going, I should probably get, I can't believe I can't do that.

Oh, bless her. Oh, that's so sweet. If the dice didn't have the long enough wire, she'd have ended up hoovering the lawn, I reckon. Well,

you know, because I know you've got a pub in a shed at the end of your garden. Is she allowed in there? It's hard to know the rules. She's not even allowed in there, just in the garden bit. We've got loads of windows open. We've got loads of windows open.

She can go in there. She might buff a few glasses for me. You know what I or whatever that sounds like you were leaving a dog in a car rather than letting your mum go into a building that we'll crack the window open she'll be fine she won't get hot in there um and obviously like i said with irish and scottish combining and now you've got this child that's been born in london so what's what what's the vibe have you settled on born in London so what's what what's the vibe have you settled on an English is it your child English what's the how you feel the accent's going to be different I think I think she'll have a strong Irish heritage I imagine like Laura's got much more family than me the Irish people have got loads of family yeah I mean I know and it's

a bit of a generalization but it's sort of true and as a scottish person all your family are like well dead okay don't worry about it a bit of a generalization but like yeah we've just not i've not got any family really mom and dad and my sister but then that's it so that you go to i remember going to like a wedding laws or you'll meet the family i was like oh brilliant there's about 90 of them i was like you want to meet my family? Well, there's my sister. Done. Yeah. Go home.

Yeah, I think she'll have a lot of Irish heritage in her. And I love Ireland myself. So we're trying to get out there as much as we can. We're trying to get her up. I just find it mad that I'm going to, I've made someone that's going to have like, this sort of like little posh English accent. Yeah.

Yeah, that is odd. Do yours speak posh? Well, mine have started correcting my speech. No, have they actually? Because I say Walter and they'll be like, no, daddy, it's Walter. Does it ever like, have they got a bit older but look like you like work for them?

It does feel a little bit like I'm like the little oik that the rich fathers got to look after to ferry these little kids around why is there a mechanic bringing them to school I know but that's the thing it'd be so funny when they're like um like bye-bye to all their friends see you next week and then you turn up with your accent going come here like that's your dad do you know what I mean I can't imagine my kids having a Scottish accent do you know what I mean I know well that's what I'm saying it feels like it's someone else's kids yeah yeah yeah I don't I don't know how I'll feel about, that's what I'm saying. It feels like they're someone else's kids. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how I'll deal with it.

Do you know what? Again. But do you think that for the first, the main voices she'll hear for the first couple of years will be you and Laura, right? Yeah. Oh, my God. So she'll have quite a nice kind of Celtic twang,

but then she'll totally lose it. But it's one of those things where before you have a kid, it's so cliche, but it's genuinely true. Before you have a kid, you're like, Oh, I want a wee Scottish babyish baby he's gonna wear tartan every day get the english and the nuts and that and then yeah i'm not she just did whatever she likes i do find that you ever find that mad thing where someone's from like like yorkshire or something and they just say oh yeah i went to school and i just started speaking posh. And they've got this, like, mad posh accent.

You're like, that blows my mind. Yeah. Well, do you know, I know this is very, Andy Leitch, who works for Off The Curve, is very niche. Yeah. He's Scottish. So this is a person, yeah.

But he grew up in Leicester. He doesn't sound like that at all. Did he? He's got a Scottish accent from his family, but he grew up in Leicester. I thought he grew up in Scotland. I've known Andy for years. No, he grew up in Leicester. He doesn't sound like that at all. Did he? He's got a Scottish accent from his family, but he grew up in Leicester. I thought he grew up in Scotland. I've known Andy for years. No, he grew up in Leicester.

Leicester? He sounds like he's so Scottish. Yeah. I mean, this means absolutely nothing to anyone else. I know. I thought I was worried. I was genuinely at the start of this podcast, and I hope Rob doesn't ask too much about Twitch,

because I just don't think enough people know what it is. And then we talked about Andy Leitch for seven minutes. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't say he's He's a lovely bloke. Famous enough. He used to

I think everyone will remember when he was the live booker for the Leicester Comedy Festival in 2012 actually. If you wanted to get into the cookie he was your man. He brought some big names

to the cookie formerly known as the crumbling cookie but I'm probably teaching all the listeners how to suck eggs at this point can we get into something you know we've i feel like we've gone over this before on other episodes i think we did this on the robbie williams episode we covered this i've got i've got a parenting question um ian is your baby still got the umbilical cord thing? Has it fallen off yet? It fell off. It fell off. A week in, early doors.

Oh, really? Yeah. But we got it... What did you do with it? Well, we kept that little bit for a book, but we got the actual umbilical cord framed. Oh. Really?

Yeah. I'm not going to lie to you, Ian. Where... Where'd you hang that? I'm not going to lie to you, Ian. Where? Where do you hang that? Where the fuck are you putting that, mate? In her room, which now that I think about it. I know, I know.

Oh, absolute nightmare territory that is. There's a bit of you that fell off anyway, couldn't there? And do you know what's next to it? What? The scissors that I used to cut the umbilical cord. Did you take your own scissors or did you steal them from the hospital? The doctor gave me the scissors and then let me keep the scissors, sort of like how, you know,

you get a lolly once you've come out of the doctor's. Yeah. The guy sort of looked at me and thought, you can have these scissors if you want. No wonder the NHS is underfunded. They keep giving out scissors, Willie, nearly. In my head, you've got a big pair of scissors like you're opening a supermarket.

That kind of... They were were cardboard it took fucking ages and the glitter got everywhere i streamed it on you i streamed it on youtube there's only 70 people watching i'm scared um so how do you preserve it then because obviously it's flesh isn't it essentially i don't i didn't do it myself we gave it to someone we gave it to our umbilical cord basically we gave the placenta to someone

and they turned the placenta into gummy bears Have you eaten it? I've ate it yeah And was it nice? Yeah well it is it's gummy bears isn't it? So is it supposed to be

good for you then to eat placenta? Yeah I think so so they take the good bits from the placenta and put it into these gummy bears What they've done there

is they've taken the placenta, put it in the bin and given you a pack of gummy bears. And charged me a hundred quid for a pair of gummy bears. And charged you a hundred quid for the gummy bears. And then they felt so badly going, well, we've bunged the umbilical cord in a frame. That's a better way of doing that because some people keep it like in the freezer. But if you are going to eat it, I think the gummy bear is how I'd want to take it. What shape's it in?

Because I've Googled it and some people do them in like hearts or write love with it, but it just sort of, it looks a bit like beef jerky. It looks like a set of headphones. I'll send you a picture. I will send you a picture. Yeah. But yeah, it's in a little frame and it looks like headphones,

but it has dried up loads now. Yeah. So what happened to the little bit that fell off? Because we had a nightmare where we lost it. I think it was loose and it came off when we were retrieving her from our those slings

the front facing slings oh yeah it was just caught in Laura's clothes yeah so we managed to get it and it still had the little yellow

the little did yours get clipped shut with like do you know those little clips you used to like seal pasta yeah like a freezer clip

like you couldn't do a whole bag of kettle chips do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah it felt like you could open like if you undone it and you turned't do a whole bag of kettle chips. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it felt like you could open, like if you hadn't done it, and you turned it on a side,

the rice would come out. But yeah, that's where that freaked me out, that little thing. I was desperate for that to come off. Yeah, it happened quite fast for us. Yeah, yeah, that is, normally it stays on for ages. I felt like it was haunting me.

Yeah, no, we were glad, and then she had an, I thought she'd have an out, I thought that's how haunting me. Yeah, no, we were glad. And then she had an... I thought she'd have an out. I thought that's how you got an outie, just by getting pulled out too fast. Oh, there was loads of myths about how you got an outie, wasn't there? Like the way it was cut initially and all that kind of stuff.

Yeah, I don't know. How did you get an outie? I just think it is what it is, right? I don't know. I don't think it's... Bodies are just a body, yeah. Do you know who's got an outie? Who's got an outie? Who's got an outie?

Andy Leach. Famously. Famously. That's the great thing about you. You talk about someone no one's heard of. Yeah, go on, then he has. What are you going to do? You can't even Google it.

He'll probably get someone to ask him, going, have you got an outie? Have you got an outie or not? I would love that. I would love that I would love that if just a few people off the cab just started asking him

and he didn't know why he'll listen to this doesn't he yeah I think he does well there's one way of testing when they listen to this there you go

leave this in that is a good way to find out agents and managers do you know what I think we lose the earlier bit and the first reference

is you saying that Andy Leitch has got an outie that's it out of nowhere and he'll go what the fuck is going on here? Let's talk about how was the birth and how did you feel? Because I felt such a spare part at the birth

because just Lou was amazing and just did everything, obviously. You just sort of stand there not knowing what to do. How did you find it? All I remember really is Laura was, like, amazing. And then all my job was, I was to getura i was to get laura look is there that was the one thing to get her through and then she went to me i need my look is aid now but i'd got her actual look is aid which is too sugary and i'm meant to get a sort of isotonic look is it oh okay so not the actual like medical medicine orangey one like the yellowy that is the most

working class thing you've said so far today is the medical you know thezade. You know the one that you get when you're ill? That one, not that one, the sports one. The one that you used to get when you had the flu in the 90s. You get a colouring book and then the orange Lucozade and you drink that and you'd feel like Iron Man. And I've got really bad wine gums. So I needed isotonic because apparently that's got all this stuff for getting fluid back in the system.

Yeah, that's the one. We're at about four centimetres dilated. I've got bags of time. We? We. There we are. The dad's royal we. To be fair, I was so scared.

I think my arsehole had dilated by about one centimetre. Well, I said to Laura, are you sure you want me walking about? Because we are four centimetres dilated. It's quite dangerous for me to go anywhere so i went i went down and it was i remember there was a lift to get the front of the hospital so we get the lift down and then i go and pick up my isotonic drink from a little tesco metro or something then i get a text from laura saying i am now nine centimeters dilated.

Whoa, you were holding her back. I know. I was literally getting in the way. Well, do you know when you're more relaxed? So when there wasn't a nervous man with a pair of scissors, she really eased into it. Yeah. So I run back.

And all I remember is I got into the lift and it was the seventh floor. And then three doctors get in the lift. And they also having a conversation about what floor they want to go into and i just went none of you press a fucking button on that because i'm going up to seven my wife's nine centimeters dilated here and then an actual doctor turned around to me went oh i'm only one floor up i went well you you're gonna be six floors up because there's no way and then i got there sweating and then we waited for about another hour but it's fine

were you sweating tired drunk the lucas aid back in the game ready to go yeah i had the actual one yeah the proper look is it but yeah nothing makes you feel more useless than someone having a baby in front of you yeah especially because the midwives are so amazing as well yeah i remember just I got the playlist wrong. Didn't I? I played the same playlist twice and then Laura was going, I've heard this song before

and I'm trying to like find another playlist and it just got, it was an absolute nightmare. So you got the wrong Lucas, the wrong playlist. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot.

The thing is, you've got to remember with me is I'm an idiot. You've got to remember that. Yeah. Do you know what, Ian? Your daughter's heading for an LT. There's no way

you've come back correctly I feel honestly terrible about it but there will be at least one time in our lives where Laura goes where's the baby and it'll just be me going oh shit and I'll just run out the house like I sort of know that's going to happen and it's a bit gutting really

because I don't want to be that person but I am the only thing that consoled me when I was in when I was in the delivery room and I was doing nothing all I was thinking was

about 50 years ago I would have been in the pub so I'm doing well to be here we were all changing my dad when his first kid was born

he was in the pub how many imagine the thought imagine the thought well done mate congratulations cheers yeah she's alright imagine not being there imagine going to a pub how many well done mate congratulations cheers yeah she's all right

imagine not being there imagine going to a pub you know I think I'd be more stressed at the pub no I don't know um um

Ian one more question yeah well this is a it's called Crosby's law if there's one thing it's difficult because you've only been

into it a month but if there's one thing that your partner does parenting-wise that annoys you a little bit, but you can't really say, but you think it's a fair point, because if you do bring it up, it will be an argument that you probably will lose. Is there something that frustrates you

about the way your partner parents? And, you know, it's difficult at this stage. I don't know if it's about necessarily parenting, but the other day right we've got a we've got a nursery for the child who keep the baby stuff in

Laura purchased a toy hammock a hammock for toys okay oh okay while she was away I'm glad you explained that

because it was a very different thing in my head before you said yeah I know like a sex swing for a furby or something and it was when I was looking after the thing in my head before you said it. Yeah, I know. Like a sex swing for a furby or something. And it was when I was looking after the, it's my first time, three hours on my own with a baby, right?

Now, when I was well, I'm going to hang this hammock for you. So I put my fingers on the wall and I said, do you want it about here? She said, yes. I hung the hammock. She came back and said, that's too low. And I said, that's exactly what you told me. That's what I said.

And that's where I put the screws. And she said, no, I didn't think you were going to mark where you were putting the screws. I thought you were marking where the bottom of the hammock was going to be. Oh, no, no, no, no. Now, come on.

And that is, we've had, it was one of those days where we hadn't had much sleep. That is the nearest we've come to a proper, proper argument. And we just had 20 minutes on. Well, obviously I meant that's where the screws go. And she went, that's where I meant the bottom of the hammock went. But also even a hammock, you can't predict the hang on a hammock.

Your other one said that you cannot predict the hang of a hammock. It's just pot luck. Maybe that was more me asking you, if you put your hand on a wall... Where were you stood? Were you touching the wall, Ian? I was touching the wall with one finger in a sort of screw-like fashion.

Yeah, well, I think that's... I'd argue, though, but then, yeah, it would be hard to know where the hammock would hang, though, wouldn't it, from there? Exactly. It's a tricky one ian um and the real question is we're gonna fall out i i think i'm on laura's side i don't i don't want to be that guy but i think it's because if you say you would never know how the hang it would how it would hang

if you pick where the screw goes but if you know where the bottom of the hammock is gonna go then it doesn't matter where the screw goes because you know where the hammock needs to end up. Do you know what? I'm sorry. No, no, I think, I genuinely think I've got to end this podcast, go downstairs and apologise to my wife.

I'm sorry. I really wanted to be on your side, Ian. We go way back. And also, it was about a week ago and she'll be like, what are you talking about

about that hammock thing? Have you heard of Andy Leitch? Ian, thanks so much much it's been a pleasure we'd have to get you back on when you're a bit further in and you're welcome back anytime

I'd love to come back on at some point yeah yeah and also maybe it would be nice to come back on when I've like done stand up

and like talked to like another I've really struggled to talk to you two today I'm not going to lie brilliant I've enjoyed it Ian it to talk to you two today you've been brilliant i've enjoyed it ian it's been great funnest you've ever been mate thank you very much i i wish i wish i was i wish i was more awake to have a comeback to that you need to be doing this on four hours sleep here and this is when you're at your best

you put it's great in thank you very much mate appreciate it thank thank you very much cheers Ian well done to all the parents listening to this you're all doing a great job oh that's a nice message Ian look at you you're on fire today well I did I doubt Ian Sterling

good man Ian isn't he I love Ian really funny really good fun really funny you kind of forget how funny Ian Sterling is

because you just remember that he's the guy who does the kind of wry voiceover to Love Island. You know what I mean? Yeah, because also... It's a proper comic. Yeah, no, it's a great comic. And also as well, he's just like... Him day to day, like, he's so...

Something's always just happened or about to happen. It's a bit of a nightmare. Yeah. Like, before we started recording, he was talking about Twitch. But he's got great energy and i think he'll be such a great dad but i know he is already a dad but like as the kid gets older and stuff because he's so positive and so energetic and and keen which i think is always a great thing for a dad isn't it to sort of be interested in that but um yeah that's interesting now because when when i do notice

when a child's breastfed the dad doesn't you, it's hard for them to get involved and do stuff. And I think there's a real difference in the early stages between a breastfed baby and a bottle-fed baby for the dad, because they can't get involved, do you know what I mean? So it's interesting to hear him, and it'll be interesting when he comes back on. Oh, Rob. Oh, it just all makes it feel so like it's about to happen again. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You'll be fine, Josh. You's about to happen again. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You'll be fine, Josh. You'll be fine. Anyway. Oh, my God. We'll be back on. I've got to go to nursery, Rob. Pick your daughter up from nursery.

All right. I'm pretty just going to kick back with a beer and watch a telly because mine two are playing on a trampoline together and I don't have to look after babies anymore. Unbelievable. Wow. Christmas Eve was worth it after all. It was worth it. Right. See you on Tuesday.

Cheers. Bye.