Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP38: Am I being a Karen?

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP38: Am I being a Karen?More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick!

The click heard around the room. You guys just about finished? Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight-worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you the listener with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? It's quiet.

Sorry, sorry. I'll be honest with you. Go Rob Beckett. It's quiet. Sorry. Sorry. I'll be honest with you. Go ahead, John. No, well, I'll be honest with you. Please. The sound was very low on my phone because at 2 a.m. I was trying to watch Instagram stories of people having a good time while my wife did a 2 a.m. feed.

This bank holiday has been absolutely wonderful for people without children. Oh, mate, I cannot believe... I mean, what is my life coming to? That I am sat... We will get to this. We need to do the intro, Josh. We will get to the intro. But it's 2am and I'm sat watching Diana Vickers

on her roof garden getting pissed on Rosé singing songs and I'm thinking, that's the life I want. I don't want that life, Rob. But Josh, do you know what we did on Saturday? We went to see a friend we haven't seen for ages because you're allowed to go to people's houses, aren't you? And you're allowed to stay over now as well, aren't you?

Oh, keys in the bowl, eh? No, it wasn't like that. But we weren't planning on staying over we took the kids we just date we had some snacks and their ipads for like the journey and stuff and if they got a bit bored at the house because our friends don't have kids and then we sat there had a little drink lou was going to drive back and then they went oh you can stay if you want so with no planning because our kids are older. We went, yeah, they'll be all right. So we popped them into bed at about seven with their iPads in the spare room, and we sat in the garden and got pissed.

Jeez, us, whapped. And then the next day we woke up and drove home, and it was fine, apart from there was a nightmare in the middle of the night, but we'll get on to that. Let's do the intro. Let's do the intro, and then I just need to talk to you about my hatred of bank holidays. This is not the contents of a book, is it? We've done the content. There's also a Lego emergency coming up and Am I a Karen, which has his new feature.

Oh, and Tongue Tie as well. Tongue Tie. Tongue Tie. Oh, wow. What a show. Actually, I'm going to say it. What I described to Rose Wednesday, Thursday, Friday last week as the three worst days of my life. Okay, right. Well, let's do the intro and start with that. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittakin?

Josh Whittakin. Goodbye. There you go. That is Oliver, who's three in July. Also find attached, this is from Vicky in Yorkshire, Oliver recording me doing the intro. You say, Robert. Rob Beckett.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Robert Beckett. There we go. She's got a lovely voice, the mum. When she was getting them to do it, because I think she actually outshone her son there. Yeah, Vicky Ranch.

Yeah, Vicky. Vicky, that was great. Great names, great delivery. And happy birthday in July, Oliver, when you're three. So, Rob. Yes, talk to me about the three. Well, let me talk about the bank holiday for a start. Yeah.

What is lovely weather, wasn't it? Yeah. Well well we're recording this on the monday morning and it's a bit gloomy but i think it's gonna brighten up yeah i'm not gonna brighten up but it's gonna brighten up um yes i found out on friday that it was a bank holiday rob because it was busy and everyone was happy and it's a fucking hammer blow to my life. Because really, bank holidays, when you're a self-employed comedian, they're awful.

They're awful. Because Monday's our Saturday. Yeah, exactly. Monday's our chill day, so then it's busy everywhere. So it's sort of like, because when you don't do a normal nine to five, a bank holiday does upset the sketch, and especially if you've got a newborn. As a newborn, as a parent of a newborn, I'd i'd say nursery oh josh can i just stop you there anyone i've ever heard say that i immediately hate okay as a parent of a new boy i know you don't know but i know you i know you're doing it and

i'd like you but that you know that thing because it slips into that thing that we don't do and you don't do you know as a parent speaking as a parent yeah yeah but you are speaking as a i think i let you off as a newborn but it's when they get to like eight months and they go you know with a newborn you know it's not a newborn anymore well let me let me rephrase it if you've got a newborn yeah right like you have i'd say and you're speaking nursery speaking as as the as that guardian the guardian of that newborn I'd say with my unique perspective that I've got through breeding

I'm superior to you I'm superior to you to you with your childless dick you've got over there I don't know about you mate but I've been spunking our babies exactly while you've got over there exactly about you mate but i've been spunking our babies yeah exactly right while you've been having lions um why you're still you see why you're happy you're not tired yeah well i'm not that okay and now i'm speaking oh man i'm tired sorry let me just

digress into how tired i am okay i had to do a uh google hang call to discuss the cover for my book. Yeah. Which is obviously pictures of me after I've crash dieted for six weeks and covered in makeup. I look great. Okay. All right. So you've had the photo shoot. You look good.

Yeah. I'd done this a while ago. Right. And also on my haircut, you know, I look like the best I could look. The best you could be. The best I could look. So you basically are in possession of our photo of the best Josh Whitcombe's ever looked. Because that was pre-baby as well, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was pre-baby. It was about March. I turned on the Google Hangout and my editor said, no offence, but you look terrible. That's why they work in books. You can't do that to a TV guy. This might be fine with John Grisham. But he said you look terrible. So, well, no, but he wasn't wrong because you could see he was sharing screen.

And you could see on the one hand, it was like a before and after. On the one side. Oh, because you was looking at the cover. Because it was the cover. Oh, no. And then at the other was this puffy guy with, like, hair that's got too long so it started curling at the back. And, like, I was sat in a cafe that was badly lit.

That wasn't helping it. Yeah, blame the cafe. Classic TV. Blame the cafe. Classic TV. Blame the cafe. And I just thought, yeah, bang to rights. I'm fucked. It's the first time in my life I've actually, I think, looked really tired.

Do you know what I mean? I used to. Yeah, well, speaking of someone that featured in The Guardian at his worst. I know how you feel. And luckily for you, that was a private hangout um because you know when the guardian picture went in i did get texts asking me if i had some sort of illness that i was covering yeah so um but i understand how you feel because if you get caught on the

wrong day it's a bit like i feel like the front cover of your book's going to be like on those weight loss dvds i should say the picture we went with was me wearing a big pair of jeans, holding it out to show. All the way. So what is it? What is the cover going to be? Well, I can't say I, we're going to,

we're going to, men will do like a cover reveal on Instagram. I totally get that. And I've got to do one of them, but the reality is who cares? No one gives a fuck. No, but the book people do,

but you can't just bang it out now. Do you know, have I said that? Uh, we will move on from the book. I'm sorry, but to, if. No, but the book people do. But you can't just bang it out now because that'll ruin it. Have I said that we will move on from the book? I'm sorry. But just, Bart, I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it, and then I'll move on. What were the Sunday Times yesterday? Was your neck getting a bit loose, was it?

Get it back into place. Drop it up. Cancel the osteopath. Because I'd already went the observer on the app, Rob. Okay? I was looking at the book charts, Rob. Oh, yeah? Oh, see, this is a problem.

You're very competitive, Josh. No, I just want to make it into the top ten so I can say, Ben, all you need to sell is 2,000, Rob. There's a book, the number seven non-fiction. The number seven non-fiction is just called The Anglo-Saxons. If I can't sell more than a book called The Anglo-Saxons. The thing is, in my world, Josh, with all this free content, please, just pre-order it now.

I want to beat The Anglo-Saxons. The funny thing is, the world I grew up in, if I told people I've got the Sunday Times bestsellers, they wouldn't really care or know what that was. But someone would go, oh, saw you in Morrison's on the shelf the other day. That's my nip, Wuff. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Anyway, do buy the book, please, guys.

I think it's because you're tired, you feel vulnerable, and you're knackered. You sound like my editor looking at a picture of me. Anyway, bank holiday. Fucking hell. So you found out it was a bank holiday on a Friday. How did you know? The nursery's the only thing keeping my head above water at this stage rob so you so they

obviously said you went i'll see you on monday and they went no you well they sent out an email they sent out an email um i'm gonna say it also having monday as one of your nursery days is a complete and utter ripoff yes you should never go for a monday never go for me you get about a third of them lost to bloody bank holidays or you know all kinds of nebulous kind of government approved days off that i don't get a day off so at least so she's back in on the tuesday she's back in on the tuesday yeah but today oh it's it's fine it just, it's very difficult to go two on one. As I found in the middle day of the three worst days of my life. Yeah.

So why were they so bad? So Wednesday. So Tuesday night, he was awake from. Do you know you're not making sense a lot of the time? Yeah, no. I was just saying. I don't know if I'm getting your head and picking up on it, but you went on Wednesday and then you went, it's a Tuesday night.

We don't know what happened on Wednesday. So we're going back from Tuesday night, okay. Tuesday night. But it all blurs into one, I suppose, because Tuesday night becomes Wednesday quite quick, doesn't it, Vanubal? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what happened, right? So Wednesday, it's on the Monday, right?

Sorry. Really tired. On the Monday, we had our appointment with the guy who said that my son had tongue tie. Yes. So we got the appointment, 8.30am on the wednesday is that on zoom or you're going you're going somewhere to add an a real feeling that it was an important it was a great ormond street of all places that's an early start out the house and then yeah yeah yeah so what about what you're doing the old old one is a you've got baby uh rose one was here okay that's so she was

going to take her to nursery but you're like like leaving the house at half seven to go to a doctor's appointment. Yeah. Set the alarm for half six. I've never done this before. I slept through the alarm. Oh, no. That's how tired I am. I've never done that in my life.

That's the worst thing about a normal. They're up all night and then they go to sleep. So you think, oh, I'll wake up because they'll be up. And then they go to sleep at five. You're going to sleep. Oh, God. So you slept through the alarm. Slept through the alarm.

Wake up at quarter past seven. Oh, fuck. Have to absolutely peg it to get everything together. Right? Awful stress. Awful, awful stress. If you start the day late, the day's done in my book. Rose, not delighted with me at this stage of the game. Because I suppose you're in charge of sort of getting up

and getting out because she's doing the feed. I must have in my sleep press snooze as well rob i just i i must have been pressing snooze without realizing so is this is this let me get is the sort of responsibility split up at the moment is she's obviously breastfeeding so getting up and doing the night feeds and you're sort of there and around but you're not really doing much so you're doing the night changes. I get you. So then we peg it to the car, right? You've got to arrive 15 to 20 minutes early.

Yeah. It's basically a race against the sat-nav across London. How long's the drive? It's 30 minutes. Oh, that's a bit in London. And it's one of those things where we were due there at 8.25, which I think would have been fine so you're in the car and they're sat there saying 8 25 and it's an 8 30 appointment it's an 8 30 which you have to be 15 to 20 minutes earlier and rose can jump yeah so you're already late already late right yeah and it's 20 miles an hour in it in

london yeah and i'll be honest with you rob because, because I'm boring. For the last two months, every time we've driven through it, I've been telling Rose how brilliant I think the new traffic flow system is on Old Street Roundabout. To the point where she's had to say, you've got to stop talking about this. Do you know, there's always a criticism to comedians that you always end up sounding like Alan Partridge. But I think all men end up sounding like Alan Partridge. That I think all men end up sounding like Alan Partridge. That's why he's such a good character.

See what I mean? If you're a male comedian, it doesn't matter if you're a comedian or what, you will end up sounding like Alan Partridge anyway. So you're loving the traffic flows. They've reinvented the roundabout, Rob. They've literally reinvented the wheel, the road wheel, the roundabout.

They've reinvented the road wheel. Our roundabouts are good though, aren't they? You know, you look at it and you think, this. Our roundabouts are good though, aren't they? You know, you look at it and you think, this would have been an absolute fucking mess, wouldn't it, without this big circle

in the middle. Who would have thought taking up more space would have made it easier? Rob, have a go on Old Street. Basically, they've cut out one of the bits.

Anyway, it's not the time to enter this. Do you know what though? When my kids are at uni, that is something I'd probably do on a board Sunday. Go to Old Street roundabout? Yeah,

and then just pretend I'm going up there to go to brick lane bagels but we all know i'm there for the roundabout but i'm trying to justify the journey it's like the first time i used uh the thing where you can walk at a diagonal across oxford street that kind of thrill it's like being in tokyo isn't it yeah it is like being in tokyo it's an absolute human free-for-all we just go we just go we just all go it's green, we all go. The traffic has to stop for us. We all go. It's zigzag time, baby. Here come the carrots making their way upfield,

followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal!

How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. You're on the way. Your 825's on the set now. We're like, we've got to phone them, right?

On the hands-free, right? At that point I realise Great Ormond Street's actually quite a big hospital and I've got no idea which bit we're in. Yes. Oh, yeah. So it takes four separate phone calls as we're driving, as the time's going up,

to find the right wing to get in touch with her. The lack of sleep's an issue as well, isn't it? You're not thinking straight. The panic. The panic. And the time is now looking at about 8.32, 8.33. And then I give the phone to Rose so she can look to see whether there's an email, right?

At that point, it drops for 10 minutes for no reason, back to 8.23. I'm like finally the gods have turned it i don't know what's happened something's cleared up something's cleared up at that point she looks at the email and reads that it's i haven't read this obviously because i haven't read it properly that she needs to bring in uh photo id and proof of address oh god i mean to say that point was a low moment in my life was yeah but also why if the child's got tongue tie not stealing a baby to get a tongue ties cut we're not those kind of

people also if you did steal a baby you wouldn't take it back to the hospital would you exactly i'd let it have tongue tie if i'd stolen a baby yeah you do a bank job right i'm going back to that bank tomorrow just to pay it in. Yeah, can I stick it into that account, please? Thank you. I know you. You might do.

So eventually, we get there at 5... 8.25. Yeah. Get it in. It's fine. We've got Rose's mum to take a photo of her passport. She goes in. I park got Rose's mum to take a photo of her passport. She goes in. I park up.

I go to Starbucks and sit and wait. Because obviously I can't go in. Oh, you're not allowed in, are you? Not allowed in. Yeah, because my friend, she's overdue, and her husband had to sit outside the hospital while she was waiting for blood tests and stuff because she might be induced or it might have to be a C-section.

And I'm like, I've literally been drinking pints about eight people I don't even know, and he can't sit in a waiting room with his pregnant wife. It's mad, isn't it? I'll be honest, though, Rob, that 10 minutes in Starbucks was the most I've ever relaxed. Okay, all right, fair enough. You're in favour of it.

Because I texted you on Friday, and that was on the Tuesday, because I got trapped in traffic to Manchester for seven hours, and I was like, oh, this is a nightmare. I'm stuck in this car for seven hours. And then you just replied, don't pretend it's not amazing. And I was like, that is a man on the edge. You know you're fucked when you are jealous of someone being in traffic for seven hours on the M6. But you would have swapped for me.

But you enjoyed Starbucks. You're loving that Starbucks. I enjoyed Starbucks. And then they get the tongue tie cut. It was much worse. So it definitely was tongue tie and they got it done that straight away. He said it was much worse than we'd been told and it would have affected the speech. Oh, wow.

So that's a positive. Yeah. That's a huge positive. Get the tongue tie cut. Rose comes out. We then went to the chemist. We had to pick a prescription and Michael Portillo was in there, which was quite exciting. Really, didn't he? Was it a to the chemist. We had to pick a prescription, and Michael Portillo was in there, which was quite exciting. Really, didn't he?

Was it a train station chemist? No, it wasn't. It wasn't. And then, Rob, I realised on the way home. I like Portillo. I don't know why. He just absolutely slams everyone. I don't always agree with what he says, but he absolutely ruins people.

Have you watched Michael Portillo slamming people on This Week? It's so good. Even if you don't agree with it. He really goes in hard, doesn't he? But so gently. He sits quietly and listens to everyone. And then just absolutely destroys them. And it's like, well, you've got a big smiley head, like a lion.

You're probably nice. He savages them. But so politely. He's a monster. Yeah, come on, mate. Leave off. He's basically politely and poshly. And then at the end, he goes, you mug.

I've done you. You mug. But because he doesn't actually say that, you sort of think he's nice still. Anyway, was he nice in The Chemist? He seemed fine. I don't know if I'm allowed to like Portillo, and I'm not really up on politics. Do you know what I mean? You sort of like someone, and then someone mentions something they've done,

and you're like, oh, yeah. I think, you know. He's a Tory, isn't he? Yeah. I think the thing with him is, I think he was a very... I'm too tired. If you're too tired to have an opinion on Michael Portillo, that's okay. Well, I've got two different opinions on Michael Portillo.

I dislike his politics, but I like his views on trains. Because you know what? I'm with you on that. Yeah. If it was the transport secretary, you might get a vote. You stick him on healthcare. Exactly. If it was the transport transport secretary that's what we

want all cars shut he's gonna fucking stick a train station in the middle of old street round about the flow is going to be ruined you regret your decision anyway sorry so you're in the camp you're gonna get i keep interrupting you josh get the get the prescription get in the car then i realize that um i'm not gonna lie rob i've misjudged. I've done it again. When you're tired, your I'm not going to lies go up to about 1,000%. I'm not going to lie. I've misjudged the amount of petrol in the tank. So while the way there was a race against the sat-nav.

All you've had to do is get them there and back. You've slept in. You've got the wrong sat-nav. You don't know where you're going. You've sat in Starbucks. And you could have got petrol in that time You don't know where you're going. You've sat in Starbucks. And you could have got petrol in that time. Yeah, I could have done that. Well, not in central London.

There's no bloody garages, is there, right? Tea with his garages, mate. Zone 5. So then the way home is sat-nav versus the amount of miles it says I've got on petrol. Oh, a nice little extra bit of stress. They're within a mile of each other for the whole journey. Oh, no. Yeah. extra bit of stress they're within a mile of each other for the whole journey oh no yeah the petrol one in the car is is swinging between six miles and eight miles every time you look at it and

you're like come on mate pick a team eventually make it to the garage yeah all fine get home i'd say the most stressed i've ever been that morning four and a half hour round trip all in oh god yeah once everything is considered because he was so yeah so they were in for a long time sorting out the tongue tie and stuff yeah thursday no nursery day very very stressful yep very very stressful friday we go out, close the door. I've forgotten the front door keys. Locked out. First time out with the baby.

All four of you. Who's at the house? Just all of you. Oh, my daughter's at nursery. We're going to meet friends for lunch. Can you describe Rosie's face when you tell her? How did you tell her? She didn't love the news.

And then our very nice neighbour Pauline came out and we talked to her about it. And Rose was in a much more positive mood. And the moment Pauline disappeared, Rose's mood changed again. I was like, well, can't you just be like when Pauline's here? Yes, the public facing attitude of a partner in a crisis when there's other people there is totally different than when it's one-on-one.

Yes. You should just get the conversation going, Pauline. Yeah, I should. I said, Pauline, what's your bin set up? Do you want to come for lunch, Pauline? Come for lunch, Pauline. Rose's calmer when you're there. Locksmith? Locksmith. I think I was done by the locksmith,ine. She's better. Rose is calmer when you're there. Locksmith? Locksmith.

I think I was done by the locksmith, Rob. Oh, God. What's your idiot facts act? A thousand pound a year you were allowed, didn't you? Yeah. You've done 500 quid last week. Yeah, well, 300 quid. I think that's a lot.

Because I had to get a new lock. Why did you need a new lock? Because he couldn't pick it, which I think was bullshit. I mean, well, that's not, you've not got a locksmith there. you've just got someone to kick your door in you should have called a raid you should have said someone was in there growing cannabis and the police could have done it for free you've probably been done there but idiot tax in it i've been done but at that point i was like what am i gonna do pay him for the call out and then call out another person and see whether they do you know what i mean you're just like i i don't know what i can do in this situation no i'm on your side i think i've you oh no josh so did you go for lunch did you wait for the locksmith well we

were going for lunch very nearby okay yeah is it nice lunch yeah it was nice enough i had to leave for half an hour to go and get ripped off by a locksmith. But apart from that, it was a very pleasant lunch. Actually, it was good because we were meeting our friends Tom and Claire, whose son is two and a half and still a bad sleeper. And that put me in a much better mood. Yes, the last thing you want is to meet people without kids at that point. Yes.

So that really helped matters because, you know, to think that they've been doing this two and a half years, and I'm complaining after two and a half weeks. Also well josh you you did a gig as well did you do your first gig back oh my god that was on the wednesday night that was the night that was the night of the fucking and it was two gigs rob i'd like to say the people that came to the first one they got really got their money's worth i was on flying form and by the second one which was at at 10 past nine i was absolutely exhausted because i was gonna say like i did the first one back and it's very stressful trying to remember how to do it and what your jokes are and all that because

it's like anything if you've not done it for ages you know like you have a week off work where you work in office you go back you can't remember your login can you bring it yeah exactly and what is it again? So that was very impressive you managed to do that, but I'm not surprised you were tired by the late one. No. And the late one was at ten past nine. Do you know what I mean?

This is how tired I was, Rob. Did you watch the UEFA Cup final? What's it called? The Europa League final? No. Oh, yes, I did. I watched that one. Yeah, the penalties.

Yeah. I actually went to bed just before the penalty. I. Yeah. I actually went to bed just before the... I love penalties, but I went to bed just before the penalties because I just was too tired, even for the penalties, Rob. Too tired for penalties? Too tired for penalties.

And you didn't even know that they were going to go on so long. No, exactly. I didn't even know that they were going to go on so long. The penalties is a 10-minute top. Five to 10 minutes. Yeah, and I was just like, I can't be bothered with this.

I'm too tired. I cannot cope with that. Too tired. So it's been a tough old week, Rob. It's been a tough old week. It to ten minutes. Yeah, and I was just like, I can't be bothered with this. I'm too tired. I cannot cope with that. Too tired. So it's been a tough old week, Rob. It's been a tough old week. It's been difficult. I mean, mine's not been as tough. No, I bet it hasn't.

Go on then. Go on then. I had a slight Lego emergency. I don't know what your views on this. That's why I was a bit late to come in to record this with you. Because my eldest has started doing Lego herself. Yeah. Right?

And like the six, five, six. She's on a six plus one because that's just what we had in the house and she's only five but she's doing it all right but she's obviously making mistakes along the way and with lego if you make mistakes halfway through it doesn't work you have to yes do it correctly so then it's like it's very difficult because i don't because she's really happy she's like look what i've done dad but part of me is going it's not it's not it's not stable it's not good it's gonna crumble you you're doing a cinder in a carriage as soon as one the wheels aren't in the wheels are not connected

so but you can't say that so it's like what i was doing was when she was going to bed i was redoing bits so that she felt like parenting well i don't know because i don't want to have false belief that she's a great builder yes you know what i mean you'll regret this you'll regret this when she gets her first building contract. Yeah, and I have to sneak into a building site at 3am to redo some pointing. But I just thought, I really wanted to get into it.

Lego's so good for kids, like problem solving and stuff. But I thought, let's just, if it's her first one, if I do that, and then today, that's why she was like, it's not working. not working she went oh no we need to redo some bits so

i redid some bits a bit trickier and then gave it back to her to do like the last 10 steps yeah then she could do it so i don't but i don't know whether the doing it for them when they're in bed is a good idea or not but then you don't know look at it that is not the right it's two bubbles not one bubble come on you know you don't want to be like, you know, like a mad Jackson five dad or one, you know, the Williams sisters dad who's just got on training every day on Lego.

But, um, yeah, so I was, I was redoing a Cinderella wheel. I think you've done the right thing. Yeah. That's what I was talking about.

When we went to our friends on the Saturday and we weren't planning to stay over anyways, we stayed over. Right. And what we did was they had two spare rooms. So I took the three year old and Lou had the five year old in a, in a in a bed right so that we're in separate rooms was in charge of one each and we weren't battered we just had a few drinks and just too many to drive home and then in the night the five-year-old was sick all over the bed she has not been sick in the night probably a couple

two years like two years and that was our bug she was sick all over the bed right and then poor lou was up for two hours with her because i was in another room like out of it and you know you can't only two people she dealt with it up the toilet had to bath her and strip the bed and put it all in the washing machine in the middle of the night and god you know that our friends had dogs and they were like what's going on not why and she's like going into the kitchen with all the sick oh my god and the dog's like growling at her she's like no i'm not an intruder i was here earlier you know that's talking to a dog and she's doing that on that kind of mid midnight hangover you get yeah so she's had a couple of drinks as well so it's all a bit you know a bit

a bit of a fuzzy head god let's and then she but then because i was half asleep and it takes me ages to wake up she'd come and told me and she went rob you Rob, you've been sick. And I've put all the stuff up. I was like, right. And she went, yeah. And I went, okay. And then she went, I don't know what I'm telling you. And I went, I don't know either. I mean, what do you want me to do?

She went, I just, I don't, I didn't want her to be sick. And I was like, I can't change it now. She's like worried about telling them in the morning. So is she ill or is it just a random sick? Well, so basically what happened was our friends are very generous and got all the kids lots of sweets. They had probably too many Percy pigs. Right.

And on top of that, the five-year-old, they've got a fridge that you put the cup under and the water comes out. Yeah. You know, them like built-in water things. And she found out how that worked and has never been more excited in my life. And I reckon she drank probably three or four gallons of water. Just because she kept, it was a hot dazzle well so she kept doing it so i think she had too many sweets too much excitement too much water and because she was fine and as soon as

she woke up next day she was hungry and ate load of breakfast but she was just oh it was awful poor lou but i was like what a roll of the dice because it would have been me if i'd if i'd taken the five-year-old and she took the three-year-old oh my word this is your starbucks that is that was my starbucks because that's happened before that's been before but do i ever tell you the time that um one of them choked on a penny no so i told you the time one swallowed a penny and it was in her stomach and we did the metal detector on it did i tell you that in the summer yeah and then before that one of them that found like 20p and was playing with it and it was really stressful and i'd been working loads and lou was going out for a first night out in

ages this is about two or three years ago and then i heard like this weird like choking up i was like oh what's going on and then i just got more to bed and then the four-year-old at the time i was playing with a coin in her mouth and swallowed it and then she was like being sick and then she like was sick on the floor and there was this big pile of sick and a 20p in it. Oh my God. Oh, it was so awful. And then I said, did you have that coin in your mouth?

And she went, no. And I was like, it's literally in the sink. Oh, it was awful. But yeah, it was, but poor Lou had to deal with it. So Lou and Rose

had really taken some bullets today. Talking of the mental load job, apparently we don't really understand what the mental load is oh we've got you want an email on that to set up what we don't understand that's so we mentioned the mental load and basically the mental load is in that way in our opinion is the division of duties but not just visible ones like the bins also invisible ones like when you know the kids need their vaccinations or when all different things that aren't sort of day-to-day so here's some examples from sarah steger yes okay whose birthdays are coming up

have your rsvp to the party who will sort cards gifts after washing who folds the clothes and who puts them away i do my own actually um who weeds out clothes and toys your kids don't use anymore? That is a shocker of a job, that one. Where do those things go next? Wall outside the house. Who packs the baby bag? Who packs and unpacks children's bags on holiday? Do you have enough milk and bread right now?

Do you, Rob? Yeah. Yes, we do, actually. Yeah. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So can I say my point on the mental load? Okay. Yes.

I totally accept. I think in our relationship, mine and Lou, we're very happy with the setup of it and how it works. I think the mental load is more of an issue when the two parents are working full time because there isn't an obvious person that's around more, whether it be the man or the woman or whoever it is in the relationship. And so it falls on them more because they're at home

or whatever so what i'd say about the mental load is there's definitely things like that oh it's so-and-so's birthday coming up right but it'll be like just because like it has a great aunt's birthday that you know me and lou both hate and they'll be like oh we gotta get her a card i'm just like we both i wouldn't get her a card, but Lou would. And that's not me ducking out the mental load. That's your policy. Personally, I don't want to buy that person a card. So I'm not ducking out the duty.

I don't want to be doing it. So I do think sometimes the mental load, some people put more importance on things than others. And if you don't agree on that, for some people, that's not part of their mental load. I would my mental load is completely probably you know badly in a way free of other people's birthdays i've just made the decision rob as an adult i've got too much on yeah yeah so that they'll cut out that is something had to go and it was it was the remembering the birthdays of children of friends. Yeah, I don't give a shit.

But that's the thing. The problem is sometimes Lou will do more of the mental load because she's a nicer person than me and cares about what people think of her. Where I, I'm happy for people not to like me to start some sort of semi-cull. So if I'm not pulling my weight in the mental load, I'm actually working on a bigger operation called, you know, trim the herd. Let's get those people out of our life.

And if me not sending their kid a birthday card means I'm a wet out of their life, I'm all for that. But I do accept the point where I think sometimes the stereotypes mean that I think there's a lot of heterosexual men that don't really think about all that kind of stuff but they're not the one flip side of that is some of the stuff doesn't need to be worried about yeah I think and I'll probably get told off for this by the mental load lobbyists I would say though I've got a lot I've got I've got a lot of needless mental load that I've created myself for myself well I think anxiety can feed into your mental load because your mental load, we need to

do this because that's the right thing to do. Or we need to do this because that's what we have to do to be good parents or good partners and stuff. But sometimes that is true and it needs to happen. Which person in the house is worrying, Rob, about whether their book will sell more than one called Anglo-Saxons? Exactly. And just because Rose isn't on board with you there,

that doesn't mean she's not sharing the mental load. It means you're inventing stuff to make your mental load exceed the capacity of your mind. I must sell more than the Anglo-Saxons. You know, okay. But I think the best thing, I think, is just honesty with your partner and go, this is fucking me off.

Let's share it out. If you don't, you better just be up front with each other. And I will tell Lou and Lou will tell me, I think. I gave a very wise bit of advice by my dad about the thousand pounds you lose to idiocy last week. Yes. And I remember his mum, God rest her soul, she had a heavy mental load. She had a lot of worrying.

She was like one of those bright purple men on world's strongest man carrying a roman bull do you know those people when they're tensing yeah when they're tensing that was her with mental load doing the atlas stones she was doing the fucking atlas stones my dad would always quote her as saying, she said, well, someone's got to do the worrying. And he'd... Oh, words bleak. Yeah, and he'd always say, not to her face,

but he'd use that as an example of how you really shouldn't live your life. Yeah, someone's got to do the worrying. You just take too much on yourself but i think i think there's there's two angles here josh one talk to your partner to make sure everyone's being honest and upfront and you can say if you think you're doing too much and stuff and obviously it's up to them to sort of be accept be aware of that so you don't have to tell them but also secondly just i'd go through your mental load and double check if there could be a birthday you could just cross off yeah get rid of some of the birthdays you don't need if lockdown's taught you a lot

of things you don't need loads of mates you don't you don't exactly write them off get your child to throw up in their bed that kind of thing i genuinely think i could become half hermit do you do you think you'd enjoy that i've got this outlet i just shout in here all the time and that's enough really yeah and also the good thing is at a pub, you have to let other people speak, don't you? But with us, we just sort of,

it's why we take turns. Exactly. Do you know what, Rob? What this podcast has really done for me is when I'm stuck in traffic, it does make me go, thank God this is now my job. Because if I was doing this and not talking about it on a podcast,

I do not know how I would deal with this. What I was going to say as well, John, we've had the tongue tie thing. Does tongue tie stop breastfeeding then? Is that what the argument is or it doesn't help? It doesn't. Yeah, it means, well, it can mean various different things, but it makes it difficult for the child to breastfeed. Breastfeed.

Because I've been sent reams and reams of information about how great breastfeeding is. various different things like but it makes it difficult for the child to breastfeed because i've been i've been sent reams and reams of information about great breastfeeding is and i agree it is great but all i'm saying is everyone's a grown-up and allowed to do what they want to do and don't judge them they've all been well informed and let people do it i won't judge you for what you do don't judge me and it worked for us and the tommy tipping machine literally saved our marriage so all i'm saying is we went that route and did some bottle feeding and the tommy tipping machine literally saved our marriage so all i'm saying is we went that route and did some bottle feeding and the tommy tipping machine helped if anyone's listening to this because they were going oh you do a parenting podcast people take what you say

seriously more for them do not take advice from me on breastfeeding or bottle feeding all i can do is tell you what we did i'm not giving advice you're not giving advice i i would say if i've learned anything from this podcast it is don't live your lives like us yes exactly and if you think that i'm with some sort of courage you're fucking mental and this podcast is the least you worries who else you're going to be listening to yeah where else you're going to your advice for do you know what i mean can i start this new feature yeah called am i being a karen okay yes because you know i think sometimes the karen is the karen is a sort of normally it's a middle-aged woman isn't it uh that's sort of quite yeah if you get a definition of what a karen is what would you say a karen is a karen is that sort of like sort of short but permed haired,

50-year-old woman that's sort of got a bit of money and there isn't much, she hasn't got many problems in her life because it's all going quite well. A little thing that no one really should care about makes them kick off. Like if you park in front of the house slightly or something like that. And then they have to speak to a manager and it's all quite privileged. And it's sort of like a big caricature of that kind of person right so like an alan partridge for women almost isn't it really and but also being a karen now i think any gender can be a karen if you're being a bit moany

or being a bit oh i don't think that's right okay so this is the feature am i being a karen because sometimes things cross my mind and i go am i right to be annoyed by that or am i being over the top so am i being a karen i think it's a pretty good yes yes good new feature right so there's this on my walk to school there's this lady that has a big sort of like bike with a massive box on the front of it that you can get like four kids in with helmets and like seat belts and it's a bit like a swedish or scandinavian big bike right transport kids so it's huge this thing it's probably about as wide as like probably wider than a motorbike right because it comes out the front um it's having a sidecar on the front of this bike yeah so she takes her kids to nursery with her kids strapped in it of

a helmet all good but on the pavement oh so right and she's going slow to be fair and very steady and she rings her bell and people get out of her way but she takes over the whole pavement right and there's it's a very busy bit of road because a bit of busy payment because people are coming and going from the school all the time because there's a nursery and a school and she's lovely and she's very smiley and people sort of smile back because ring ring excuse me please and i'm just like you've got to be on the road haven't you you've got to be on the bikes on the pavement i i didn't care as much when i wasn't have it didn't have a three-year-old that could you know you feel like the pavement is your safe place for your child yes um do you have people on electric scooters on the pavement

um no not really they've been on the road but there's not as many around here as their own yeah they are all over the pavement around me. No, that's bad. It's bad. It's bad. It's got an engine. But I don't think, yeah, I don't think you're being a Karen, Rob.

No, but I just think it's a bit, but I think maybe mention it to her because it doesn't really impact me. Oh, it's difficult to mention that, Rob. I don't even walk on that side of the road. It's difficult to mention. But I'm just like, get on the road, you lunatic. It's massive.

Yeah. Yeah, you can't be going down the pavement in a juggernaut. No, it's huge. It's like a sofa on the front of a bike. That sounds lovely. In London, she can do tuk-tuk rides. It sounds like Mr. Bean would drive. Yeah, exactly.

With his bear in it with a helmet on. And everyone is just like, smiling along. But anyway, if you've got any more Am I Being a Karen's, let us know. We'll judge. I'm not a bad person. I'm quite a chilled out guy. smiling along. But anyway, if you've got any more am I being a Karen's, let us know and we'll, because you know, I'm not a bad person. I'm quite a chilled out guy, but some things you think,

oh, am I being, am I being a bit of a Karen there? But so I'm not being a Karen, that's fair, but maybe mention it to a Woodrover Step the Mark because it doesn't actually impact my life. No, and it's difficult

to mention, isn't it? Well, it's just going too quick. Exactly. You're too busy diving into the hedge. What was your email, Josh? I love this one. Hello, Rob and Josh.

I need help. I'm a new first-time dad of identical triplet girls. Oh, boy. Can you imagine? What would you do? I'd nail varnish to differentiate which one's which. You've got to work out which one's which. The lack of sleep isn't my worst flaw.

I feel terrible as I cannot tell them apart my wife can her mom can my stepdaughter the midwife even my sister who lives in australia and has only seen them on facetime that's a killer that one's an absolute that's a real boot in it the others yeah okay so he can't as he told his family yeah yeah wait for this. I secretly put their name with what I thought was washable marker on their feet. This did not go down well. I was told that they aren't animals that need to be tagged. Worse, it then transpired that it was permanent marker.

Oh, he sharpied them. He sharpied them. He's autographed his kids. It's like a toy story, like Andy on the foot. I feel terrible. I cannot tell which baby's which. So when I'm told Fleur has been winded and fed and it's Willow and Ruby's turn, it's a true guessing game. Any ideas?

I feel like the world's worst dad. Fleur, Willow and Ruby, they're beautiful names. The three of them, it sounds like gifts, doesn't it, from the three wise men? Visiting Jesus with Fleur, Ruby and Willow. My friend growing up, his mum had some more kids, he had twin boys, and what they used to do was a little bit of nail varnish, different colours on each one of their nails.

That's true. So a little blue one and a pink one and they could differentiate which one was which. Yeah, that's good. Mainly for in the middle of the night when you're tired they need feeding oh my god can you imagine the feeding with three triplets oh my god can i tell you about someone who grew up in a very rural school rob yes i love these ones yeah these are we're a big fan of these on the topic of rural schooling um my sister and i went to primary school in a nearby village our school didn't have

a kitchen for hot lunches so each day of the week a different class would walk in a line to the village pub and have a pub lunch parents would place orders in advance and included all the pub classics like pies and fish and chips we would all sit next to the local old men who were drinking in the day while we ate. Thanks for the great podcast, Alice. Was that every day? No, she says a different class every day. So I don't know what they were doing for the other four days of the week. Presumably you were on packed four days of the week,

and then each class got the treat of going to the pub once a week. That feels like a bit of insider trading from the pub, doesn't it? Yeah, it does feel like... Imagine, Rob, you're going through a messy breakup and you think, I'm just going to go for a drink at lunchtime today. Drown my sorrows. You sit down in the pub with your pint and then 10 children walk in to eat their lunch.

Oh, God. Or imagine it was you and Starbucks. You had your 10 minutes of quiet. My 10 minutes of Starbucks. Are you going to do any baby classes, Josh? Maybe. I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.

To be honest, I can't imagine getting beyond this period, which is every two-hour wake-up at the moment. Oh, my God. When does this bit end? I think it's ages. Oh, gee, no. I think it's months. No, it's not. But then if you get a bad sleeper

they're just like that for about eight years yeah i know mine are sleeping through the night now like they have done for a little while because they're five and three when will i get to four hours i think to get to like a eight hour like you know like you know you may not get out of sleep because you don't go to sleep as soon as they go to sleep but if you go a bit about 10 11 ish and they wake up at six or seven yeah i think you're looking at two more years until that point no i think so no so so you'll have a two-year-old six-year-old this is not the you're you're absolutely playing no for a proper because i've only just started doing that now where i put them down no no no probably maybe last six months to a year because she's three and our youngest.

It's about, yeah, about two to three years. We can put them down and be loud and not worrying about, shoo, wake the baby, and then we'll go to sleep and get a good unbroken six, seven hours or whatever. What about? All right. Yeah. I'm going to set my sights lower.

Four hours in a chunk. I reckon you're looking at probably four to six months old. No. Really? How old. No. Really? How old's your baby now? Three weeks. I feel like we're in prison and you've not accepted the fact you've got a six-year stretch. And you're like, no, probably surely the parole.

There'll be some sort of, you know, don't politicians sometimes release people? Can I not appeal against this, Rob? Have you got any more emails or anything, Josh? No, you go for it. Hi, guys. Just watching Sunday brunch on Channel 4. Tom Allen is on and chatting about his lack of furniture and his wait for sofas.

It was suggested that he should get a chaise lounge, to which he agreed and said, where would I get a chaise lounge? I immediately thought of Josh, Rose, and their cot-filled bedroom. You need to hook them up, Rob. Love, love, love. The podcast from Lisa. Yeah, Tom Allen's got no furniture in his house you can have the shows if he wants it he'd absolutely fucking love it text him and sell

it to him yeah i will he's really polite you could sell him anything it will just do it absolutely effing loaded rob and he's got nothing to he's got nothing to spend his money on i went around his house and his options were go to sleep or stand up. That is his furniture situation. Hi, Rob and Josh. First, you love the podcast. It's definitely helped me through a tough year. This one's from LJ. In regards to Josh requesting help with winding,

you said you're struggling to wind. You're a three-week-old. I'm shocked he's still struggling as a stiff neck is key. Keeping the baby's neck back straight and elevated, I've always found helpful. I love this is what a nice person does you can't you have to constantly quantify it by going in my experience because everyone's got an opinion on parenting but i like the way lj's done that um i've always found it helpful so keep the neck and back straight and elevated also a lot of time and persistence my

daughter now 11 was an absolute nightmare to win we We had to sit with her on our knee, which was raised up, have a hand holding her head up and arms slightly raising at the same time. A ball late to stay in the lead. So it was on the knee slightly raised, arm up and head up. So I feel it feels like it's almost like picking a lock, Josh. You've just got to work out what works for you. But keeping the neck and back straight. You're intentionally twisting the knife on the guy that couldn't pick my lock there, Rob.

Yeah, the man that broke into your house and charged you 300 quid. Yeah, yeah, of course. The man that broke your door and charged you 300 quid to fix it. Unbelievable. Still livid. Still livid. Still livid. It's all right, mate.

Just it's part of the idiot tax. Part of the idiot tax. Isn't it? There we go. Right. We've got small business. So we are doing the small business shout outs um feel free to send your suggestions in to hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk and we'll read you out um so this

one is hi guys i love the podcast and i've listened to every single episode it's the only podcast i listen to and i'm hooked please could you give my small business or rather charity a big shout out embracing arts is a theater company that is dedicated to creating work for children with special educational needs and or life limiting conditions. We believe that every child should be able to enjoy the magic of theatre and have created a range of theatrical experiences that can be brought to them wherever they are. Over lockdown, we have expanded our work and offering parties and school workshops for children with complex needs or life limiting conditions. We hope we'll be able to visit in person very soon. At the moment, we are operating over Zoom, so please book a sensory party adventure with us and let us spread some joy and happiness for our very unique and diverse audiences.

Please look at our website for more information, www.embracingarts.org.uk. Many thanks from Claire. There you go. It's hard netbooking kids' parties. And I imagine as well, if your kids do have special educational needs or different conditions, that's great. Yeah, that looks lovely. That's very, very, very positive. That's embracingarts.org.uk.

Embracingarts.org.uk. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the podcast. I run a small business selling kids' vintage clothing. I source kids' vintage clothing, so dead stock, never worn, from the 1930s to the 1980s for both boys and girls. I think Rose would absolutely be all over this. Your kids are going to look like little ghosts.

Yes. I would love to dress... I mean, if you got some 80s kids clothes now, they would absolutely go down a storm. Oh, was it 1980s? Yeah.

Sorry, I misheard that as 1880s. It's like, Jesus. No, but like, I was thinking like little Victorians. Tom Allens.

Little Tom Allens's I misheard you 1930s to 1980s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle tops Littlelegsvintage.com www.littlelegsvintage.com Instagram Littlelegsvintage That is from Lucy

I am going to go and have a look at that If you've got a small business you want us to shout out Hello at lockdownparenting.com. Wicked. Okay, well, there's a small business shout out. Josh, good luck this week. Well done. That was a stressful, busy week for you.

Yes. I hope it gets a bit calmer, and it will. You'll get some sleep soon. Yeah. Are you going away to work at any point that you can sleep? I've got to get to Bristol on Wednesday. So you're staying over in Bristol? No, because I've got to get you to Bristol on Wednesday. So you're staying over in Bristol?

No. Because I've got Last Leg the next day. Oh yeah, we're doing Last Leg on Friday, aren't we, together? Oh yeah. Let's talk about that

on Friday morning's episode. Let's do it. Alright, see you then. Bye.