Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP40: Three words... Rob Beckett's mum...

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP40: Three words... Rob Beckett's mum...More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick!

The click heard around the room. You guys just about finished? Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight-worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett.

Very good. And can you say Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin. Where's Josh going? Very good. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? He was. Josh Widdicombe. Where's Josh gone? Josh Widdicombe. Josh is at the door. Josh is at the door. Okay.

Well done, Harry. I wasn't at the door just to clear up any confusion there. That was very cute. This is my son Harry's attempt at an introduction. For some reason, when I said Josh Widdicombe, he thought Josh was at the door. His 12-week-old brother, Maxwell, who was delivered by my husband on our utility floor. Oh, God, you've got to rename that floor now, haven't you?

The birthing unit. Where's the clean pants? In the birthing unit. Oh, my God. Rob, chances that you could have delivered your second child? Slim to none. I mean, the thought of that, the panic. Lou already hates me.

The thought of her screaming at me and me being annoying. Go on, put a bit of welly into it, will you? Rose gets annoyed with me, you know, if I can't find my wallet. But if I was struggling to estimate how far she dilated, she'd be absolutely livid. You don't want the tape measure out there, do you? No. Oh, my word.

Okay, Lou, I think you're ready. I'm going to go for a sweep now. No, you're fucking not. Okay, I'm not. That's what's happening. No, you're fucking not. Okay, I'm not. That's what's happening. Josh, how have you been? You seem chipper. Have you had sleep? I'd say chipper is a relative concept.

Chipperer than last week. Well, yeah, because we did last leg together, which we should reference and apologise for. Should we start with that? Well, yeah, no stiff neck or loose... Because you were tired on last leg, but it seems like you've had sleep since then. But we didn't do any stiff neck or loose neck stuff or promote the book.

We were both very tired, Rob. Do you know what it was? I was full of beans and I was cocky, but I've done gig sites since I've come back. Because now I'm on early shifts with the kids and I've not done my evening job for months, nearly two years. I just cannot perform at 10 p.m. no it's insane it's so hard to be energetic when you're tight when you've been up since half five and then wait all day to try and have a laugh between 10

and 11 it's it's too late and get this Rob get this oh uh obviously uh i understand the situation but channel four not this friday the following friday rob yeah england we scotland you're aware of that obviously yes of course we have been moved to 11 p.m live i feel like i'm a fucking overnight dj on lbc right guys what do you think about cyclists mick lamborghini here yeah what are they hogs hog to the road yeah two wheels more like bloody no brain cells more like get your calls coming in now it's josh winnicombe you're good at that oh mate i tell you what i could earn a fortune as a prick on talk radio well you know you're the first stand-up comedian that's made that journey in the last six months yeah i bet you know like sometimes people are short of work i'll be you know, you're the first stand-up comedian that's made that journey in the last six months.

Yeah. You know, like sometimes people are short of work. I'll be a helmet for a bit. It's our new job now, isn't it? Being a dickhead on the radio or on Twitter. I'm going to say lots of things I don't believe in an attempt to feed my children. And to be honest with you, Rob, you know,

we've all got to feed our children. Lies. Feed them bloody lies unless you listen to me. I've got the truth here. I want to uncover the truth. I'm like Tony Robinson with a dusty bit of mud. If anyone was at home

having a wager on who'd do the time team reference, I don't think they'd have chosen you, Rob. Oh, God, I'm so stiff now. It's outrageous. No, basically, what happened was,

it goes, also, it's on so late, not so late, but it's late for two dads with young kids. But it goes so quick. As a guest, you're barely on it. I know. So I was a bit, and also, I was very aware that I didn't want to talk over everyone like I normally do. So I was trying to be polite and let Sarah Pascoe say something.

I thought you did a sterling job, but neither of us said the word stiff neck or loose neck. I do apologise. I'll try and say it this week. But I was tired. Also, do you know what's weird, though? It's because I think when I'm doing that, I feel like I'm performing. I'm being the Rob that goes on the telly. But when I'm doing this, it's literally like no holds barred.

And you're so like, you know, careers are saved in the edit by Michael of stuff we say that we have to bleep. But when you're live on Channel 4, you just remember, oh my god, this could end everything. And it doesn't take a lot anymore, does it? To say something. Well, Rob, do you want to know why I was a bit stressed in the build-up to that episode? Why was you stressed?

Well, Rob, earlier in the week, I'd got a text from Inka, who does wardrobe, and she said, is there any clothes you need this week? Or should we just work it out as we go through the series? And I said, I need some trainers, mate. And the reason is, three words, Rob Beckett's mum. Oh, really?

Yeah. You were stressed because you didn't want to have dirty trainers on? I was stressed because I thought Rob's on. I cannot be want to have dirty trainers on. I was stressed because I thought, Rob's on. I cannot be seen to have dirty trainers if Rob's on because his mum already sees me as the kind of person who has dirty trainers on TV. Well, if she didn't mention it, then you must have had nice ones on. Well, Rob, I get that. The new trainers, they're like canoes. They're huge.

Yeah, but you're not doing a lot of walking, are you? You sat down for an hour. No, I know. But, Rob, it's a show about feet. It's a show about feet. So, I was wearing slightly, I was wearing my slightly dirty trainers, my slightly old dirty trainers, and I thought,

and Inca said, well, no one notices on TV, and I was like, they fucking do, mate. Rob Beckett's mum's all over it like a rash. Do you know the mad thing is, she has got the worst eyes. She's had about eight detached retinas, glaucoma, cataracts, about 10 operations on them. I was actually in a hospital with her once where she was told

that she may lose her eye, okay, until she had an operation. And I sat across the waiting room and in front of people, she went to me, you've got some mayonnaise in your chin. I'm like, how fucking bad are these eyes? Because you are like a hawk, woman. She's all over it. Nothing gets past a mum when something's dirty or you've got food on your face. But yeah, she's got a bit of a hawk eye for your shoes.

But she didn't mention them, so they must have been all right. So I was worried about that. That wasn't my toughest professional engagement of the week, Rob. No, what else have you been up to? Earlier in the week, I was very tired, Rob. So during the week, I was on a three-hour per night strategy. Three hours per night. Which was really hammered home on the Tuesday night when I had to record a panel

show and the record was four hours and I thought the record is longer than the amount of sleep I'm going to get tonight. How am I spending more time with Claire Balding than I am asleep? How is that? She's a firecracker that's why. I love Claire Balding, don't get me wrong,

but we all love Claire Balding. Of course we do. But you'd rather go to sleep than have a bit of banter with Rod Gilbert and Claire Balding. Exactly, exactly. That sounds more harsh, but in context. Yeah, but in context. No one says, are you all right?

No, I haven't had enough banter with Rod Gilbert and Claire Balding last night. That's not it. No one said, how's life with the new baby? I'm not getting enough time with Rod Gilbert and Claire Balding. That's not how life works. Oh, God. Most people obviously do work like an eight-hour, ten-hour shift, yeah. And so four hours on panel show.

But the whole day of getting there and you've got to prepare stuff it's over eight hours it's over a long day but it's quite an intense period it's i'd say but doing it when i worked in office doing a panel show sort of like you know when you have to do a pitch meeting to someone say you've got like in a sales job and you have to go and do your pitch and you do your presentation it's like that for ages and then they're constantly having to laugh and if they don't you feel like shit totally totally and you only remember the bad bit in four hours there's gonna be bad bits but to do that and present basically and sell your soul with yourself for four hours and knowing that you only had three hours because you know the maths don't work even if i'm at my best i've not got enough in the tank

the petrol light would have been flashing as the show started in your head, going, you're running out of gas, you're running out of gas. Yeah, they said to me at the start, Rod was, I'm sure he doesn't mind me saying this, he had a whiskey, right, as his drink. And they said, do you want an alcoholic drink? I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I've ever had to, imagine what I'd be like an hour three if I had a whiskey now. Do you know what, also as well, it must be.

But thank you anyway, obviously. It must be impossible for women when you've had a kid, especially if you've like breastfeeding and like, you know, because you've got, the baby's got to be sort of near you or in the dressing room because you're breastfeeding. But even if you've like expressed there's some bottles at home and they've been left with your family or your partner or whatever, knowing in a four-hour call, do you go, my have to be you know they're just filling my breasts are filling with

milk because when lou was breastfeeding one of ours we went to a football match she had to express in the toilet of the emirates oh my god still game because they were getting too full and i think they get painful i don't know i don't know i've done i've done i've had my teeth for the milk before that is how it works i think yeah i think it gets quite painful anyway place to express so imagine need imagine how much worse it would have been josh if you needed to express me oh my god i can only imagine you could only imagine so that wasn't actually the trickiest day the next day i woke up i had three hours sleep yeah and uh i think it was a last leg writing day so i had to do a zoom in the day so it didn't have i mean writing's a strong word i had to you write that what not this week mate i'll tell you what

i had to do this week i had to sit in on the zoom thinking i am taking none of this in but it's episode one so it'd be really bad for me not to show up for the first ever zoom the first ever zoom imagine that the first ever zoom like gary zoom went look mate it's a bit weird but i'm gonna ring you on your computer with my face what here come the carrots making their way up field followed by the whole wheat bread over to the two dozen eggs sir do you do this every time sorry i've been a little excited ever since i got this bemo Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots are over the line!

What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply.

So then, I didn't have a nap in the day. I had to go to Bristol to do a gig. You saw the picture of me in Pratamonjay and how tired I looked. We're basically double glazing sales people. Yeah, exactly. You watch that episode of The Office, you know, when he becomes the travelling salesman. And you go, oh, he's got a bleak existence now.

And then you go, wait a minute, that's my life. Yeah. So then I thought I'd get the tube to Paddington because it's quicker. I don't want to have to sit in a car. There's lots of traffic. Don't get me started on the current traffic on the Hackney Road.

Okay, are we doing your full travel itinerary from East London to Bristol? No, but I just need to tell you this. Okay. So I was going mile end, change at Oxford Circus to Paddington. Get on a mile end. I'm reading and listening to music.

Reading? Reading and listening to music. Yeah, listening to music on my headphones and then reading a magazine about football. At the same time? At the same time. You're not doing either? Well, obviously I'm not doing either, Rob.

I can't concentrate on anything. Why are you doing both? I always do both. So you listen to music. So, okay, what was you listening to? I'm listening to music currently. No, what was I listening to? I don't know.

I've got no idea what I'm listening to. Yeah, okay, you're listening to a song. Well, we can guess. It's probably some sort of 90s indie band. No, to be honest with you, Rob, I've been listening to a lot of Kano recently. Have you? Hello?

What's your favourite Kano song? I'd say T-Shirt Weather and the Manor, my friend. Sorry, you've got Kano on and what you're reading? A preview of the Euros. A magazine pullout about the Euros. I'm trying to read about the other teams and stuff. Yeah, so to work out... Okay, because you're doing that, right?

Yeah, on the Paddington. Yeah, so I get on at mile end and then I get off and I'm walking up the tunnel. Yeah. And then I go, wait a minute, I've got no memory of getting off and I've got no idea what station I'm at. And then I look and I'm at Tottenham Court Road and I'm about to get out of Tottenham Court Road.

And I'm like, I've got no idea what's just happened. I've just got off this train and started walking in my own head, almost out to land, out onto the street level but yeah into sea level and i i have no memory of doing it or what happened it's a did you used to get off that station a lot for gigs or for last day you know any more than anyone else does do you know what i mean like it's not like i just something happened like i have no does. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's not... Like, I just... Something happened. Like, I have no memory of it.

You know when you're driving and you don't remember the last bit? That's like that, but... Yeah. Yeah, and then you just had to go back down. It was such a surreal experience where I was like, maybe I was enjoying the grime too much,

but, you know. I've done that... I've done that before when I used to... When I've moved house and I've finished work and out of just routine walk back to my old house. Have you ever done that before when I've moved house and I've finished work and out of just routine walked back to my old house. Have you ever done that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did it three times in a week. Oh, wow. How far away is your house? Well, no, it was basically like a 10-minute walk but like the opposite direction. I just kept on going back the old way. And on the third time, I just stood there and was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

It happens once. You're a bit like, oh, blimey, what am I like? Three times. Do you know what I mean? It's like I might need to get a scan or something. So then I get to Bristol eventually. Yeah, good gig. I get to Bristol.

Gig was, yeah, I mean, it was fine. You just... This isn't about parenting anymore, it's about Josh Whitacombe's survival. Yeah. And then, luckily, they told me that I'd come off stage too late to get the train back. So they organised a car to drive

me back. Ooh. Did you sleep in it? Well, Rob. Oh no. Can you imagine the issue I'd have with sleeping in the car, Rob? It's not good for my neck. No. What? Yeah, but it's good for your sleep. It's good for my...

I had to do a trade-off, and I had an hour's sleep, and I had a stiff neck for the next two days, Rob. It's been a tough week, Rob. Josh, the people are giving you loads of stick on Instagram for saying I'm not gonna lie have i said it already and i'm gonna say it rob they're your like catchphrases i've got to stop saying those i know i know i know this isn't the time okay to do a wholesale change of my vocabulary all right okay well let's you're aware of those and you're working on them and if there's i wasn't

aware of the second one i'm not going to lie i'm gonna say it i'm gonna say it right yeah okay um but if there's anything i do let me know and then i'll try and work on that as well so it's not just a pure josh bash every time i say one of those phrases i'll give uh one pound fifty to charity mate i think you'll be down for about 80 quid to be honest with you rob yeah no it's to be honest with you one of them i can't even remember anymore i'm gonna say it rob i'm going to say it, Rob. I'm happy to give that money to Cherry. I'm not going to lie. Fuck me.

Mate, I'm going to talk to you because I think you should hear this because I was getting a bit cocky about the kids and stuff. Yeah, talk to me about it. Because I've been getting sleep and they're three and five now. They're getting to the point that when they're stuffed, right, and there's crumbs, we've got a little handheld hoover thing they go and get it and hoover up their own crumbs oh my god which was a huge moment for the family yeah and i was to the point where me and luring one room and then in the other room we heard the hoover going and she was doing the

whole front room oh my god and i was like this is outright this is getting beyond the joke now this is absolutely insane however in half term they've been doing swimming lessons every day yeah in the morning every day uh yeah so they'll do half an hour every morning i mean going together because it's it's an absolute logistical nightmare getting two girls ready for swimming yeah because you take them into the changing rooms and they're constantly shouting bit bits wee wee, poo the whole time. And also, the problem with a men's changing room is there's just dicks everywhere. Yeah, there is a lot of dicks.

And even when there's kids in there, they're still like, I feel like, just put a towel on. You don't have to walk to the shower naked. No. In fact, it's not that you don't have to. You actively have chosen to. Do you know what I mean? And also, some of the dicks are so little to do you know what i mean and also like some of the dicks

are so little i mean if someone's a big knob be like right fair enough mate we've all seen it well done congratulations give him a handshake slap his ass off he goes but you see these little nuggets loving yeah it's pathetic mate i'd be ashamed i wouldn't i'd never i wouldn't even leave my own house never want to get it out so i'm trying to shield their eyes from all these little dicks right everywhere and anyway so we go and get changed and they're like they give me absolute shade because i got there a little bit early because i wasn't sure what i was doing and then one of them went to me when we come swimming with mummy we're actually on time and i was like you little bitch right so what happens is there's one at 10 a.m and one at 10 30 so i. So I go in at 10 a.m. into the changing room and get one in the costume

and then walk them to the side of the pool, holding up one who's fully dressed hand. And then you sort of drop them off and then you have to leave them in the pool and then go and wait in a cafe. And then you're in the cafe, but then I have to. How's that bit in the cafe, Rob? I took an iPad. It's lovely.

I just sat there for 20. But the problem is I was nearly. Can you see the pool from the cafe? No't right but then i got carried away and because i didn't judge it right because i always need a wing getting changed i was at the swimming pool and i was nearly late to pick up the first one and drop off the second one because then i had to take that because by the time you get out it's like five ten past you have to go back in about 20 25 past to get the other one ready and then walk them in and we've only got one pair of goggles we had to swap the goggles oh and then we had to so i have to i have to drop that one past to get the other one ready and then walk them in. And we've only got one pair of goggles. We had to swap the goggles.

And then we had to, so I have to drop that one off and then get the other one and get that, the first one cleaned and out of the, you know, the swimming costume and into normal clothes. And then you go and sit in the cafe again for another like eight minutes. And then you're back in again to pick up the second one. And the first one is dressed.

And now you've got to get the second one clean and dry. But the other one's just like running around. It's mental. I was just like, I the other one's just like running around. It's mental. I was just like, I was just stuck in this like swimming vortex of wet clothes, wet hair, stuff everywhere.

I was dropping stuff. And then all in that time as well, I have to constantly take my mask on and off to get, cause it's off in the cafe at the table, but then you have to wear it into the changing room and then on and off. Oh, it's carnage. I can't believe I was late. It's like just endless towels, swims changing room, and then on and on. Oh, it's carnage. I can't believe I was nearly late.

It's that just endless towel, swimsuit, cafe, towel, swimsuit, cafe. I want a snack. I want a drink. I couldn't deal with it. I thought it could be like quite a relaxing thing to do with them. I mean, there's only two. In my head, taking your kids swimming is meant to be one of the joys, isn't it?

And that sounds awful. Yeah, but it's only two of them. Imagine if you had like four. The woman who runs the cafe went oh yeah you're all right i've got nine kids and i went well you've got a problem i mean that's not that's not how you see you don't go oh god it's like easy for you just stop having kids nines men's how can you get nine ready for swimming that is unbelievable nine pairs of shoes and they're gonna have more than one pair yeah rob i can't imagine going over two to be honest with you well yeah i know i think the two's enough kids unless you know the content

dries up and you know me and lou have a chat yeah that's good that's good so did you do it again it was every morning you were every morning that was and then in the end lou tried to do it on her own and she come back all right but we both kept coming back like really like distressed because it was a constant. You had to think all the time. And also, they're a bit funny about being left in there. Like, they wasn't sure. So you have to go, yeah, I'll see you in a bit.

It's okay. And then they're clinging on to you and stuff. So you don't want to be late. You don't want to drop stuff. But in the end, we went together. And then one of us stayed in the cafe one, and the other one did the other one. But it was like, it was so hard.

And I was like, why is this so hard? It should be easy. Oh, Rob. That is just brutal brutal but they're better at swimming now so that's the main thing how was half term generally do you know what really it was really good to be fair like they had loads of things planned we went and saw friends and went to the park and and they went to the little farm and all that so it's good and because they're older they can keep themselves sort of entertained they went to went shopping and they got a bit of

lego and stuff like that so that was good but they'll get them they keep saying wee wee poo poo and bit bits right is that their thing and i just said why do why do you keep saying wee wee poo poo bit bits and they went because it's funny they're funny words and i said well yeah but there are other funny words what's another another words is funny then one of them just went, slug. And it really made me laugh. It's slug. What did you say? Slug. And I was like, it is a funny word, isn't it?

It's slug. I mean, that's one letter away with you having to give her a stern talking to, Rob. Yeah, well, exactly. But yeah, so I didn't see him on Sunday, a bit like yesterday, because we were doing this on a Monday. But I'm extremely hungover, Josh, because I went to the BAFTAs. Sorry you didn't win, Rob. Oh, yeah, I did.

I didn't win. Big, nasty one. How was the experience? It's weird when you can literally sit in a pub with five mates, but I can't sit two metres away from someone without a mask on. So you just sat on your own for the whole thing? No, I was sat next to Romesh, but I had to have a mask on. It was so hot. It was there for ages. There's so sat on your own for the whole thing? No, I was sat next to Romesh but I had to have a mask on and it was so hot

and it was there for ages and there's so many awards and do you know what? I sort of just realised I don't think I watch telly. Because I was like... I had that when I went. I don't know anyone.

There'd be things that were in like four BAFTAs. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I know. I don't like telly, clearly. Oh, and some of it was so like full on, like the speeches. There was one speech that went on for three minutes, clearly. Oh, and some of it was so, like, full on, like the speeches.

There was one speech that went on for three minutes, Josh. Three minutes? Three minutes. Casualty won Best Serial Drama, and the bloke who got the award was banging on about it, like Casualty was an actual NHS hospital. I was like, you are worried it's a TV. You haven't been in a pandemic, mate.

You've just done TV about it. I was applauding every Thursday night for the cast of Casualty, Rob. I don't know about you. And the Hollyoaks, because some of them weren't there. Did the Hollyoaks win? No, the Hollyoaks was nominated. But it was really weird because there was like people in the Queen Vic freestanders, like eight to ten cast members all spread out.

And then the Hollyoaks won. It was in like a weird restaurant. And there was like tables at the back with just one bloke really at the front and i was like who's this guy mr holly oaks like was it tony tony oaks um i don't know who it was but no but it was it was an interesting uh setup but yeah it's just quite long in it and stiff but um i went out had a few drinks after oh yeah and stuff um but yeah that was good that's good Rob. Do you feel like you're getting back to normal? Do you feel like normality is returning? Yeah, I know.

It's weird because when we went for drinks after it was, you just sort of sat having a drink inside with no mask on. But then when you're like, it was so weird just being sat behind Claudia Winkleman with a mask on. And it just could be a wig. If Claudia Winkleman with a mask on, there's no face. She could have sent someone in her place. Couldn't it?

Couldn't it? Because you've got such a big fringe. Straight down to the top of the mask. But that was good. It was good fun. Well, next year, Rob. Next year. Also, I had a flashback to when I was tied with the newborn Josh

when we had our first child when me and lou had an argument about sleeping in a car because you know you've got your hour sleep back from bristol we actually had an argument but when i got a 90 minute car to west london to do filming because when our first one was six days old i filmed taskmaster the one where i rolled in goose shit and jumped over a fence that one um and i'd literally had any sleep and on the way back i slept for 90 minutes in the car and lou was we had this row about that was like because i was i haven't had any time to sort my head actually you had the car time and and that was like we were jealous over a 90 minute drive

to chiswick i'll be honest with you rob There's so many bits of my job that currently look like I'm the luckiest person in the world in this household. Yes. I mean, just having a prep at Paddington station. Oh my God. For Rose would be like incredible. Yeah,

exactly. I mean, I just took Rose to get her jab and obviously she went in to get her jab. What for? Um, we're going, we're going traveling for six weeks we're going backpacking the zika yeah we're hiking through the amazon um just thought why haven't been on holiday for two years let's just go for it how hard could it be exactly um so but

then i had i had like 45 minutes i just went and sat in cafe nero on my own and you are like this is now this is it for me this is that's peak josh widdicombe time this is my ultimate dream is to have some situation where i'm early or something and it means i have to sit in a cafe that's all i want from life is that so pathetic josh have you got any emails or um instagrams we're going to do the instagrams Is that so pathetic? Josh, have you got any emails or Instagrams? We're going to do the Instagrams.

You do the Instagrams, Rob. Oh, I should say, by the way, just one more thing on the tiredness. Oh yeah. Cause I've written it in my phone. I was so tired the other day.

I think we should have a tiredness competition. If you're more tired than Josh, let us know. Yeah. And then we can, we can do a tally of who, who's theness competition. If you're more tired than Josh, let us know. And then we can do a tally of who's most tired. Do you know what? In the last two nights, he has been putting together runs of two and a half hours without waking up. So I've really rallied since then. Oh, wow.

I mean, what are you even talking about being tired for, mate? Two and a half hours? Exactly. So I'm currently working on, you know, three blocks of two and a half hours of my sleep which isn't that bad no it's all right to be fair but yeah if you're more tired than josh let us know and also if you've got anything you want to send in any stories and stuff like that let us um send it into hello at lockdown parenting.co.uk um or you can dm us on instagram i've got a few uh messages j, congratulating for making the Daily Mail sidebar of shame. Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that. You are a celeb, Josh. They do care. I've had a baby. I can't sleep. The last thing Josh would come announce is he and wife Rose have welcomed their second child. Didn't announce it.

I've been talking about that for three weeks on this podcast. I know. They're not listening. But, you know, when you're on Channel 4, people listen. I talked about it on the bloody Ian Sterling episode that they fucking, well, used in the Daily Mail. They've skipped through my bit. Also, they've got comments.

I'll try and find the comments and read out the comments about your article. Would that be funny? Well, you know, I'm fragile. That's what I was going to say, Rob, actually. On Saturday, I was so tired, Rob, I burst into tears four times during the day without realising why. I just started crying. There must have been something that triggered it.

No, but it was always just like totally meaningless stuff. Like what? Ah, I'm trying to think of an example of something. By the looks of it, it might have been the Daily Mail comments. Oh, no. Go on, hit me with the Daily Mail comments then. Oh, this is quite fun. I guess Rose really liked Lord of the rings oh come on now

because you look like a hobbit yeah that's good hobbit that's fine isn't it since when has he been a comedian i wasn't told that's a classic really good i think the last leg is too leftist for dm readers yeah i think that's a fair comment, actually. This is quite funny. Thanks for letting me know. Oh, yes. He announced it on his podcast three weeks ago. Yes. Yes. Have that.

Here we go. Oh, best rated, all these. Hugely underrated comic. You're getting positives. I'd say that's not true. I'd say I'm rated at about the right level. I think you're adequately rated. Yeah, I'd say I've reached my level and I'm fine with it

and the people are fine with it. Do you know what? Richard Pryor's got nothing to worry about, but I'm giving it a good go. I'm making a lovely living from it, but I'm not going to go down in history. Unless you do something awful.

Yeah, exactly. Do you reckon they'll put a picture of you up when you die at the end of the BAFTAs? This man sat through four separate BAFTAs without winning. That's how he caused a death, that was. Cause of death, boredom. It's so funny because the BAFTA Awards is literally stiff a face of a stiff neck you hold isn't it if you add up oh all right each of those BAFTAs by the way each of those ceremonies is longer than the sleep I get each night by the way just so you know I'm excited to hear about people that

are more tired than you this is I think it's going to be a great because we and Lou had these arguments where you mustn't make it a competition and we always said we will never make tiredness a competition and who's the most tired and she went to me but if it was a competition I'd win which was the funniest most petty things ever um here we go uh this is just a um oh it should be called the left leg um that's classic do you get that because Alex doesn't got a right leg yeah so it's uh yeah it's actually quite fairly positive for the man online oh that's classic do you get that because Alex hasn't got a right leg yeah so it's actually quite fairly positive

for the Mail Online oh that's a shame yeah and people saying they like the podcast so yeah oh that's good I mean there is

some awful stuff but you don't want to hear that yeah I don't want to hear that Dallard who calls someone a Dallard

I'll take Dallard you'll take Dallard I mean you've got to remember that these people are commenting on a Daily Mail article so I have absolutely no respect for them even the ones that say they like the podcast I mean, you've got to remember that these people are commenting on a Daily Mail article,

so I have absolutely no respect for them, even the ones that say they like the podcast. Right, let's do the Instagram messages. Here we go. Dear Josh and Rob, I was listening to the Helen Russell podcast episode. I can relate. I'm an Australian who moved to Denmark around the same time as Helen. I have two daughters, seven and nine. Strange names. Hey!

Hey! Lovely bit of business. When the eldest was around five years old, her kindy cars visited the fire station to see the trucks, etc. When she came home, she told me she'd also seen the frozen animals. She went on to explain... If you haven't listened to the Helen Russell

episode, they do a lot of dead animals. Dissections? Yeah, they're a lot of like just dead animals. What's it called when you cut open a... Dissections? Dissection. Yeah, they're quite gruesome but they're interesting. Anyway, she saw the frozen animals and then went on to explain they had freezers full of dead dogs and cats and deers which they could look at. Apparently it's where they store any dead animals

picked up off the road. So it's essentially a roadkill morgue. Why would you keep them? Oh my god. She recently slept over at a large aquarium with her class and had the fun of seeing an octopus being chopped up and could play with its guts. Oh, my God.

And got to write things with its ink. This is also normal for Danish schools. Wow. And then when my youngest was six, the teacher thought it would be lovely to each week walk to a different child's house and visit their garden, eat their morning snack and walk back to school. This is in an area where most of the kids live in a one kilometre radius. When it came to our daughter's turn, we warned the teacher that we were in fact 2.5 kilometres away through a thick forest.

Needless to say, 25 six-year-olds were very tired after a five-day round trip. Keep up the good work. I love listening, Jane. Thanks, Jane, from Australia, now Denmark. Thanks, Jane. Oh, here we go. These people struggling with Euros. Also, I've just found out it's Lou's birthday on the England-Scotland game.

Oh, mate. I've just said to her I'm watching the football. Yeah. And we'll do something today. Euros does start this week, Rob. Yeah, I know. This week. But I can't. yeah i know this week but i can't if it was croatia i'd but i can't lose having a little get together anyway can't you do something

in the day with lou no she can't because she by accident signed up to do a little play a thing where you go and help with the kids at their school but she didn't realize it was her birthday oh she's had a howler She's having the worst birthday ever. And it's not even started yet. Out of 10, how into the Euros will Lou be? Well, not out of 10. Just tell me. You don't need to put a number on it. It's eight.

End of conversation. No. Happy now? Do you want digits or do you want to chat? Good. I've got a spreadsheet. I'm going to plot it in. How was your week out of 10?

Seven. Thanks for listening. She'll watch England games and would be up for loads of people coming around to watch and things like that. But she'll probably watch it with me. But I feel guilty. But I might have to do something for her. I don't know what to do, though.

Oh, God. I'll have to think. I'm panicking now. Right, let's concentrate on this and I'll sort that out later. This is from Emma. I'm still catching up, having listened to episode 38, series one. I decided to send you a It Worked For Me suggestion. I've thought about telling you this before when you mentioned kids squabbling over things.

I have three children, boy 18, boy 16, girl 14. And when they were small, they used to fight about others taking their things. And so I decided to color code my children. Go on. My oldest was blue. Then the middle one was green and the youngest was red. It's important to choose colours that are easy to get in everything. When I say everything, I mean coats, bags, plates, cups, sweets, toys, etc.

Even Christmas wrapping paper. That's going to affect them in the long term, isn't it? Well, they're 18, 16 and 14. So I'd love to know, this is Emma, I'd love to know what they think of their colour now. Even Christmas wrapping paper is a proper colour. When one of them would say, he has my insert name of item, it was easy for me to see if it was true or not.

This was an absolute game changer in my life. I think even now, if I buy them all something, I will buy it in their colours. I think this is easy but it's got to have some sort of psychological impact yeah what are the three options sorry run me through them again green red and then blue you want blue don't you yeah like red yeah red is not a color your whole life is like red especially in these different shades it doesn't all aren't in my head it's all a big red bright

red yeah i don't think that's a good idea emma no i'm not sure about it i mean i like the idea emma but i do worry about the psychological impact of a child only ever seeing one color it is an issue but it is a good way of working she says the 18 yearyear-old, whose colour was blue, now lives on a boat in the Seags. And we've got green here now, camps. And then the red one. I'd love to know how they feel about it. Because it's obviously great for the parent because it makes things easy. But, Emma, if you listen, I'd love to hear how they feel about it.

And if they want to get in contact. Or if anyone else has done this. that is yeah i think too extreme can't be good for you can it well we'll see hi rob and josh i've got an email here rob you two have kept me company on my dog walks for the past year you've given me some proper laugh out loud moments bin gate being one of them good to get a shout out isn't it i'm a mum with a 25 and 17 year old so i've had it easy i've just been scrolling through the crazy dating site plenty of fish and i'm going to can you hear my baby crying oh god by the way i should say just before I was recording this,

I was about to come upstairs and Rose said, you all right to take him for a bit? And I thought, oh, gosh, she's forgotten that I've said I'm recording this. Just, this is an absolute disaster. But I haven't got an option. So, no, I'm not all right. See you later. Right, how do I copy this image?

God, I'm tired. They are right. Whatever that person said, I was boring or whatever they said God, I'm tired. They are right. Whatever that person said, I was boring or whatever they said on the Daily Mail. You're not boring. You're just a dad doing his best. I'm going to take a photo of my computer screen on the phone. Okay. Send it to you.

Oh, someone said on the comments, sorry to be so bored by your sob story because you said you're tired. Sob story? Your voice is enough, mate. My voice is enough? Thank you very much. Just takes my voice to make them laugh that is an absolute win i'll stop writing material rob that's from plenty of fish right shall we oh has it come through you spent in it whoa oh hello look what naughty boy i won't give him his full name but it does look like it's naughty boy followed by number right i've got a lot of one um what what the hell have i got on my face a lot like edgar davids what are those glasses

i don't even remember owning them with his arm around you yes i've met him somewhere that looks like probably about 10 years ago you look so young i've got some issues here he says he's five foot ten there is no way he's five foot ten". I'm 5'8", right? And he's about my height, isn't he? Yeah, yeah. There's no way he's 5'10". There's no way he's 5'10". Unless I'm talking to him on a step.

He is from Kent, so that does check out that he would know you're off. He looks good for 54. He does look good for 54, doesn't he? Incredible for 54. But if you consider how long ago that was that you looked like that, he's probably 44 in that picture. The thing is, I don't realise how stupid I look until I see myself next to a normal person.

My mouth is so big. They've got them stupid glasses on. My hair's like a big blonde bird's nest. I just look into... I don't look like a normal human, do I? I look like a cartoon boy that's alive. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yes.

You really do. I don't ever remember you wearing those glasses. No, neither do I. They are absolutely insane. Has he put them on me? Or am I wearing his glasses? I don't know. Yeah, can I have a photo with you?

Can you put my glasses on? Yeah, let me try your glasses on, can't I? So there we go. Bit of fun, isn't it? Bit of fun. Bit of fun. Do you know what? Is he the son of Ann Widdicombe?

Sorry, just a few more comments. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is he the son of Ann Widdicombe? Do some research. It's spelled differently, you fucking idiots. Oh, love this sitcom someone said there. That's nice. Oh, I don't have any belief in any of these Daily Mail people.

Do they have those things where they have thumbs up and thumbs down? This one from Pontifact Pat, who now lives in South Africa. Yeah. Funniness. And Josh Whittacombe is like the Pope and a course on brothel management. Just not connected. Wow. That is phenomenal.

What the fuck is that? Ponder fact, Pat. You fucking loaded. Can I reply to that? Go and you click on the profile and see what other things Ponder fact. Good. Well, I'm just going to write good one, Pat. Yeah, go on.

With your name. I've got to log in. I've got to set up a daily mail account. You don't need to do that. How many comments has this fucking article got? Who's commenting on it? It's not exactly like it's a juicy gossip one. Who's got to the end of it?

Also, if someone announces they've got a kid, all you say, if you have to say anything, is, oh, congratulations. I've never, as a postman, if my postman went to me and I had a kid the other day I'd go, oh, you and delivering letters it's like the Pope and an avocado it's just not cricket

you know, fuck off man, I'm just doing letters here what's that got to do with anything? I've just had a kid, why are you slagging me off? it doesn't happen anywhere else, does it? if you're at a supermarket, I've just had a kid who have you, where's the fucking beans? you're a disgrace, can't even get the beans out what um give me a um a percentage breakdown on negativity rob right okay so if i go to what's the most popular comment the most popular comment is you someone's saying

a hugely underrated comedian 240 up arrows 67 down arrows but it's still 67 down arrows. Still 67 down arrows? And that's the best I've done. Yeah, but a lot of people are, no, no. So, and then people reply to that message saying, oh, I think he's unfunny. But then a lot of people say, I do think he's funny. Oh, no. I love Joshua Winnicombe's and Robert Bairbeck's podcast.

Definitely. I don't dislike him by any means. He's not a clever comedian and definitely not underrated. He's very average. I think worse than the proper height. Why are so many South Africans commenting on this? They do like a divisive opinion. You say what you like about South Africans,

it normally does go right down the middle surely there's bigger shit going on right come on guys i tell you what why don't you have a little look at yourself south africa poor old josh is banging out a kid why don't you sort out what's going on there yeah oh wow yeah and people saying they like the podcast and then other people saying they do like you and they don't like it. It's very split down the middle to me. You're like Brexit, mate. Well, it's amazing. It really is. Do you know what?

After all these months of wanting to get in the Daily Mail, I'm not sure it was for everything it was cracked up to be after all. I think you've swerved it, to be fair. Like the Ian Stirling ones have about 3,000 comments. You've done all right, mate. You've done all right. Shall we do a small business shout out? Sure, more business and then shall we go to bed?

Yeah, let's do this. Right. You must be tired, Rob. I've got a small business shout out? Sure, more business. And then shall we go to bed? Yeah, let's do this. Right. You must be tired, Rob. I've got a gig tonight as well. Oh, where are you gigging? In West London. It's miles away. Hi, Rob and Josh.

Sean here from Planet Play Indoor Play Centre. Myself and my wife, Nicola, opened our Indoor Play Centre, a.k.a. Softplay, in Honiton, Devon, on the 2nd of March. Yes, keep talking. Keep talking in honiton devon on the second of the heart keep talking honiton know it they opened it on the 2nd of march 2020 21 days after opening we were closed due to lockdown since then we've been shut for 11 months we are reopening on the 17th of may and can't wait i have been working for a window cleaning up while we've been closed and i've had to been able to spend way more time

with my wife and three boys, which was a huge bonus. However, please can we have a shout out as we are reopening and we would love people to come and enjoy our play centre.

Me and the wife listen to LPH constantly. Keep doing what you're doing. Awesome stuff. So that's Sean at the Planet Play Indoor Play Centre, Honiton, Devon.

There we go. What have you got, Josh? This is a serious one, but this is a really nice one. Hi, I have a small business to promote. It's not my own, but in light of the episode with Charlie Baker, I thought it was a good one to shout out.

It's called Little Leo Jewellery Company and it's run by a lovely lady called Beth in memory of her little boy, Leo, who was born sleeping and his brother, Bear, who she lost through miscarriage. She creates handmade pieces of jewelry in memory of babies who didn't make it to earth, whether through miscarriage or stillbirth.

She sells a variety of jewelry with small wish bands to encourage fertility wishes to sterling silver necklaces and bracelets in memory of your child. I bought my husband a small wish band with a beautiful poem printed on the card about how we'll always be a daddy after we miscarried our first baby and it brought him

so much comfort. Beth is lovely and amazing and it's a brave thing to do to continue her son's legacy. The website is https colon

I don't need that bit surely do I Rob? I'm not Pete Tong. Worldwideweb. World wide web dot web just click on internet explorer 56k make sure no one needs to make a phone call is your phone wap enabled because you're in luck these guys have got an online site The website is www.thelittleleojewelleryco.com. That's thelittleleojewelleryco.com. She's also on Facebook at Little Leo Jewellery Co.

Well, good luck, guys, with your businesses. Good luck, everyone. Josh, we've got... Except those people who read the Daily Mail online and leave comments. Look, mate, you're not a dullard. Look, you're not overrated. You're not underrated. You're rated, mate.

You're just a rated guy. You're fully rated. Perfectly rated. Yeah, thanks for listening. We've got Paul McCaffrey, who's just had a baby, like a one or two week old. So he's fresh. He's fresh for it. He's on the episode on Friday.

A very funny comedian. Always the best ones when someone's in a worse position than you. Exactly. Also, don't forget to tell us how tied you are if you're more tied than Josh. And we'll do a little competition. And you can get in contact. Hello at lockdownparent.co.uk. And also your small business shout outs.

And please rate and review on the app if you can. That would be very helpful. Oh, yeah, do rate and review. Do rate and review because it makes a difference. Thank you. See you on Friday. Bye. Hello, Alan Davis here,

inviting you to join me by listening to a new podcast, Seven Pillars. Each episode, I'll be talking to a famous guest to discuss seven significant cultural influences, inspirations, or experiences. Seven things that helped shape them, that they loved, or that they returned to again and again, and hold a special place in their life. From films and music, books, food, places, and memories, the podcast asks seven questions that will spark stories for the guests and give the listener an insight into the minds and passions of some of the most interesting comedians actors writers philosophers and raconteurs around starting with comedian

romish ranganathan in episode one which is out now and in the coming weeks we have hollywood actor walton goggins comedy legend joe, author and intellectual heavyweight Jay Parini and many more. You can find the show by searching Seven Pillars on all podcast platforms.