Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP41: Paul McCaffrey

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' -S02 EP41: Paul McCaffreyJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) during the lockdown and beyond is the brilliant comedian, Paul McCaffreyEnjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The 24-hour moisturizing body wash is infused with vitamin B3 complex and has notes of rose and cherry creme for a rich indulgent experience. Treat your senses with new Olay Indulgent Moisture Body Wash. Buy it today at major retailers. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell, the show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills...

Each episode, we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Margot, can you say Rob Beckett? And Josh Whittombe? No. Oh, that's a shame. Oh.

Bit of a slap in the face. No. Is she Australian? Hello. Margot turned two last week. Her new favourite word is no, so this intro is quite fitting. I've also discovered a great parenting hack this week. Wanted to share with all the mums out there just trying to get five to ten minutes to get ready in the morning.

When your little one starts pulling everything out of your drawers running off with your makeup brushes or digging their little fingers into your makeup i simply say come here and let me brush your hair teeth strike any kind of grooming this immediately prompts them to run off oh sorry i thought you meant hair what the fuck's hair tea feels like something i should have this immediately prompts them to run off and leave you for a good five to ten minutes so that you can get ready in peace. Is she Australian? Did she say?

No, she's from Portsmouth. But she sounds Australian. Do you want to hear her again? Yeah. Margot, can you say Rob Beckett? What was it? And Josh Willicombe? No.

That is a really Australian note, isn't it? She's been watching the Magmas. No, my, no. Josh Widdicombe. She's watching too much Heartbreak High, Rob. Heartbreak High. What a show. How are you, Joshua?

Yeah, I'm all right. I'm all right, Rob. Chugging on? How many weeks are you doing of The Last Leg? Seven. But then... Seven weeks? Seven weeks.

Is that including the Olympics? No, no, no, no, no. We've got seven weeks. And then what's that take us to middle of july and then we're back at the end of august for the paralympics lovely stuff but no tokyo for you you're doing it at home doing it from home i'm not gonna lie rob they've decided that's gotta be a record that's gotta be a record that's gotta be the quickest i am delighted though i am delighted i'm willing to pay the 1.50 tally it. Josh, you've got to be careful because there'll be someone out there

that's got a spare afternoon that will tally these up and send you a bill. No, no, no, no, no. I can't. I'm not posthumously paying the £1.50. I think you've got to backdate that. I think that you've got to. I'm not backdating my payments. Okay.

From this episode. Yeah. So that's £1.50. £1.50. So they've chosen a studio that is just a mile and a half from my house, and I am delighted. That's an absolute win, isn't it? It is glorious.

Right next to Westfield as well, so whatever takeaways I want every evening for 12 days. Oh, yeah, because it's every night, isn't it? Every night. Josh, we've got an important thing to talk about. We have big announcement. Name change. Yes, we have decided, due to the fact it is the end of lockdown,

more or less, we hope. We haven't talked about lockdown in so long on this show. And people keep asking us, are you going to continue this after lockdown? I think we need to just move into the next phase of this show. So we're going to drop the word lockdown. Yes, and the name. So what name So we're going to drop the word lockdown. Yes. And the name.

So what name are we going with? We're not sure. Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's parenting podcast. Is it that simple? Or do we want some suggestions? Should we say, that's the front runner? My voice is gone. That's the front runner.

I'm mad. I'm drunk in a betting office. Look at the money on the horse. That's the front runner. That mad old drunk in a betting office. I've got the money on the horse. That's the front runner. No, it's not pension day. It's next week. Oh, yeah, it's only one off my house. Twelve nights. Oh, that's the front

runner. So the front runner is Rob Beckett and Josh Whittaker. Or it could be Josh Whittaker and Rob Beckett. Wow, we don't need to make those kind of changes. Parenting podcast. Or it could be Josh Whitaker and Rob Beckett. Wow, we don't need to make those kind of changes. Parenting podcast. Or we could go, there's other ways we could try and tweak it. Parenting pod.

But that feels a bit like two old men trying to be cool, which isn't far from the truth. Yeah. And we could do a full Royal Mail rebrand when they were called like... Consignia. Yeah. Was it Insic?

What was it called? Consignia. Consignia. What the fuck? Would you change it from royal mail unbelievable um or we could do a marathon to a snickers couldn't we opal fruits to a starburst exactly so we've got that option but if people do want to what's the best call it the consignia podcast we could call it the consignia podcast um how what's the best way for people to suggest their names, Michael? They can email in or send us messages on social media. Yeah, just the usual ways.

Email in. Actually, for this one, pigeons. Another kick in the teeth for raw mail. Consignia are shaking in their boots. We've got the old pigeons back out. Yeah, so at the moment, the front row is Rob Beckett and Josh Whittacombe's parenting podcast. But do get in touch

because, you know, we'd like to spin this out. Well, yeah, exactly. What, the name change out? Yeah, why not? Kids arrive from school. One second, Josh. Oh, no.

Hello. You okay? Do you want to come and say hello? Say, hello, Josh. Hello, Josh. Hello, how are you? Right, do you want to see mummy? hello say hello josh hello josh hello how are you right do you want to see mommy not wearing headphones is she hi hi josh i'm back now no worries no worries that was a uh i'm gavin yeah i think i don't know i forget which one's which now um yeah so we're gonna change the name that's exciting though isn't it it's exciting quite a big moment i'm quite excited because it feels like we are nearly getting back to normal

because i know freedom day might get moved slightly from the 21st of june we should know by next monday or by monday i think they announce what they're doing don't they the week is that right yeah so the 14th they'll be telling them what's going to happen so people can prepare right but i still feel like it's inevitable because once everyone's properly vaccinated, they've got to just start opening up, haven't they? Yeah. We need to change it. We need to change this.

We need to change the project. I hate saying this because what we were saying is like, after about three weeks of the first lockdown, I listened to a podcast the other day, a Gabby Logan one, and she went, yeah, well, we're hoping hairdressers will be open by the beginning of February. That was this year. It was another, like, three months.

And I was sitting there going, no, you fucking won't, Gabby. Oh, God. I'm so bored of lockdown. Should we just bring on the guest? Bring on the guest. Bring on the guest. Should we just bring on the guest? My catchphrase.

Yeah, let's bring on the guest. And catchphrase. Yeah, let's bring on the guest. And we've got more Instagrams for next time. Oh, no. Do you want to quick Instagram before we bring on the guest? Go on, Rob. I know you're chomping at the bit to Instagram me. I'm always chomping at the bit. Hi, Rob and Josh at Love the Pod.

I had twins in March. It keeps me going through the tricky night feeds. On the subject of babies getting left behind, when I was 16, I worked in my local Sainsbury's. So did I. That was my first job. Where's your first job, Josh? job josh local pub local i did do safeway though one summer if we're if we're looking for supermarket anecdotes is that an anecdote well i can tell you what my job was go on worked in the petrol station it's good I don't know why it's good, but it's already good. My job was each day I had to go over to the main supermarket with a cage on wheels

and get all the food and drink for the petrol station and bring it back over to the petrol station. And put it in. And put it in. But the people in the main supermarket didn't like you to take their stock, so you had to kind of do it without them seeing. It was a shit summer. That is a bad summer job.

I once spilled eight pints of milk on the floor of the fridge section of the the you know the big fridges yeah and they were playing nothing compares to you over the stereo system and while i was cleaning it up and still whenever i hear that song i just get taken back to that awful moment of my life songs do that i can't think that the song jealous guy by john lennon i was violently sick listening to that in slovenia so now whenever it comes on radio i'm nearly sick and it was so awful basically i was on this bus trying to go from lubyana to lake bled we were traveling me and my mate and i was so hung over and I was going to be sick so I just

as the bus stopped it was like in the middle of nowhere one of them weird stops I got off and I just I didn't tell my mates I still had my eye

eye shuffle whatever they're called terrible eye eye puff stop saying the word eye Rob and I I'm not going to lie I said eye

and I went into the toilet and I was just this horrific sick oh my god and then my two mates had to get off with me and grab all our bags off so we were just like stuck in the middle of nowhere I said, hi. And I went into the toilet and I was just this horrific sick. And then my two mates had to get off with me and grab all our bags off. So it was just like stuck in the middle of nowhere. Then my other mate went in, did a poo, right? And then my other mate went in just for a wee.

And the smell was so bad. After we'd been in there, he was physically sick. Oh, my God. And whenever you hear jealous guy, that's how you feel. Yeah. That's not what John Lennon would have wanted. It's not, but there's other things that John Lennon didn't want as well that are probably worse, you know, that happened to him. Yeah, fair enough.

Sorry, yeah, here we go. So, worked in Sainsbury's. One day, a very confused lady walked into the store, pushing a trolley that had a baby sitting in it. She walked up to me, the first member of staff she'd seen, and said, someone's left their baby in this trolley that had a baby sitting in it. She walked up to me, the first member of staff she'd seen, and said, someone's left their baby in this trolley. That's right.

Someone had returned their trolley to the trolley park and had not taken the baby out. Oh, my God. The woman then gave me the trolley and walked off. I was completely shell-shocked. What the fuck was I sticking out with? What are you going to do with that? What does it do with a lost baby? I mean, I think even though she works at the shop,

I could not give a baby to a 16-year-old person in the first shop. I stood there frozen to the spot where it felt like three hours. It was probably only three minutes until a hysterical woman came running in shouting, my baby, my baby. Oh, my God. She took the trolley from me and promptly left the store. Two minutes later, another woman running going, who's took my baby? And I'm joking. I was frozen to the spot.

With hindsight, I probably should have done some due diligence before I let her take the baby. But as soon as I never saw it on the news, it can only be seen she was actually the baby's mother because she looked so upset. Keep up the great work. Love, Nick. Oh, wow.

That is a great story. Rob, can I see how this makes you feel? Yeah, go on. Oh, that's That is a great story. Rob, can I see how this makes you feel? Yeah, go on. Oh, that's... No, no. I think as I was doing it, I never made it hurt you or something. What's the line in it?

Yeah. So that hurt you and never thought that would make you cry, something like that? Yeah, and as he said that, my stomach was in pain and my eyes were watering. And I was just like, he just knows how you're feeling doesn't he he's got that he's such a he's such a genius that's the genius that's the genius of lennon um right let's um let's get our guest on this week joshua yeah um paul mccaffrey incredibly funny man um he's uh just had his first child um and uh yeah i think

he's been trying for a little while so it's quite interesting to to chat to him about it and he's uh because he's uh in his 40s now older mcafree so he's a bit of an older first time dad which is a good to hear from because my dad was older when he had us so he's an excellent interview really funny guy and um check out his stand-up he's live at the apollo performance he's great he's got some great films on his instagram he's uh he's brilliant at the Apollo performance. He's great. He's got some great pics on his Instagram. He's brilliant. But yeah, the brilliant Paul McCaffrey. Enjoy, people.

Welcome to the podcast, Paul McCaffrey. Hi. How are you doing, mate? I'm all right, thanks. Let me tell you, Paul, that I'm surprised that we've booked you. I didn't know you had a newborn. So when Rob told me i was like paul mccaffrey you two rock and roll to have a kid isn't he basically paul you text me that the baby had arrived yes um and i asked you to be on the

podcast within three minutes yeah of the congratulations i thought that was a good for me waiting um but so how old how old's your baby at this moment, Josh? Four weeks today. Four weeks today. Paul? So two weeks on Thursday. Okay, and this is your first one, isn't it, Paul? Twelve days. Yeah.

And how is it, Paul? It's brutal. You know, obviously, all the clichés, everything that anyone tells you is as bad, if not worse. All the cliches, everything that anyone tells you is as bad, if not worse, I would say a lot worse than you could ever have possibly imagined. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy this, mate. This is what I've been looking for.

The first sort of 24 hours, she pretty much slept through. This is like, oh, this is a medical miracle. And then it turns out she was saving it all for when we were alone at home. And then, yeah, it's been pretty hard going, I have to say. What are you averaging sleep-wise? Well, I think the sort of last couple of days has been, I think I'm learning that just sort of like whatever is happening is just happening perhaps once. And you can't go like, oh, okay, we've cracked it.

I think we've got her into a routine now on day three no so sort of like then the second two nights which you got kind of two blocks of about three hours sleep so sort of managing to fashion almost a full night sorry i'm out of practice so is that a good that's good isn't it i think so yeah rob that's like that it's just a wonderland i can only see in the distance it's mad isn't it to think so yeah rob that's like that it's just a wonderland i can only see in the distance it's mad isn't it to think and even i've you know my three i've got a three-year-old now but even i forgot that a baby scene for three hours is a good thing i thought he was telling a negative story then but that was actually the only positive you've come with no it's not the it's not the only positive i've come with all right but one of the few there are moments of elation and it's it's

incredible but yeah well we'll edit that bit out yeah exactly and so and how was how was the the birth and stuff was that okay or was it stressful or how did it go we didn't we did an elective c section so i mean that was surprisingly quick actually i you know no one had told me how quick it would sort of happen and so we had an 80s playlist that my wife has been sort of listening to a lot whilst around the house recently. So it happened so quickly. She came out to Against All Odds by Phil Collins, which I wouldn't probably have chosen. And what was that for? Just the initial incision in your head was that the initial

incision or just for the drugs bit of the how long was your playlist well obviously the random nature of a playlist meant that they'd sort of like i hadn't kind of timed it so that i didn't have an opener a middle and a closer it was like you know it wasn't sort of it was just whatever whatever came on came on and it just so happened that I heard the beginning of the Phil Collins song. I heard I Can See Hair. I heard a scream. It happened that quickly. Oh, really?

Wow. And if I was to play Against All Odds by Phil Collins to you in a year. Do you reckon I'll have some sort of Pavlovian response? Well, do you think it would now, does it now hold a place in your heart where whenever you hear that song, it's going to mean a lot to you? Yeah, I would have thought so, yeah.

No, no. Phil Collins? Phil Collins. It was the song that was playing, you know, during the birth of my daughter. When your life fell apart. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I'm going to run for the hills every time every time i hear it the last song of freedom bit of wedding and it'll come on on

the dance floor where's mcafree gone he's crying in the corner um and have you have you been back to work since are you off on paternity leave because when you're self-employed it's hard to say no to work isn't it especially as you're not you know, like you didn't have the C-section, obviously. So my mother-in-law stayed with us for the first sort of 10 days. And so I kind of had a couple of gigs that I sort of went and did. How was that, Paul? How did you feel on stage? Yeah, I mean, I saw your Instagram post of your train journey

and that kind of, I could relate to that. It was just sort of driving i just feel absolutely brain dead at all times i'm kind of wandering around every time sort of yeah i think i tell i'm finding it very difficult to string coherent sentences together at the moment the beauty of this podcast is that is a selling point for the for the if you cannot speak, which isn't normally the case of a podcast. But is it just a lack of sleep then, or are you overwhelmed a little bit with all the stuff? Well, it may not surprise you to hear I'd never changed a nappy before.

Very much a baptism of fire. You know, sort of Alex obviously was out of action straight after the birth, so I kind of had to change the first few nappies, which I'd never done before. And that was pretty nerve wracking. Yeah. And did you get, did you get your baby dressed?

Like, or did you get the, did the nurse do that? Because they, as soon as the baby comes out, they go, yeah, do you want to put the baby girl on it?

I'm like, no, but you sort of have to, don't you? Because it's your kid. The first baby girl was a sort of, it was a bit like, do you remember Levi Twister jeans?

The zip was, the zip, the zip was at a slightly jaunty angle which made it very difficult to get the sort of feet in and then i was just oh god i'm never gonna you know yeah i'm gonna be a terrible father oh god yeah i think because it's such a confidence building thing it's like anything you can't practice being a parent you just sort of learn on the job so there's so many things that happen when you go oh god i can't do this now i can't do that and then i know what's how i find stressful. So there's so many things that happen when you go, oh God, I can't do this now, I can't do that.

And then what I find stressful sometimes is there's like your mom or dad or in-laws over your shoulder that have had kids and done it before. And you want to be like, no, I'm doing it because it's my kid, but you don't actually know what you're doing. But then you can be like too proud to say that. Help me. It's impossible to feel that the midwives

aren't judging your every mood. And I only know this because they're using a new program at the hospital called badger net. I don't know if that was, yeah. The woman that we saw told us that the average age of the midwife down there is 64. So they've seen everything.

They're old school. They're like screws at a prisoner cell block. Really sort of hard line. So it's a cycle. We were, I was sort of worried that we were perhaps being a bit too much of a soft touch

in terms of, you know, at the first sign of crying, getting her out and sort of letting us, Alex would have us, you know, sleeping on her.

And then she's like, no, no, no. If it gets too much, go out the garden, have a glass of wine, have a fag, calm down, back it.

What? Calm me. Is that what I said? Go and have a glass of wine. Have a fag. Just go and have a fag, calm down, back it. What? Calm down. Is that what I said? Go and have a glass of wine. Have a fag. Just go and have a breather. The NHS can't be saying have a fag. Look here, mate.

You're tired. Here's a line. Have a quick line. I'll sort you out. Get back in the cage. Cheeky half. Go dance it off down the bottom of the garden. That seems old, though, the average age.

64, doesn't it? I thought that. I mean, I didn't want to say anything at the time because they were all up in arms about badging it at the time. Are they all around that age? Or is there one really old woman who's bringing the average up? No, no, no. They're all kind of up that way.

To bring the average age up to 64, that'll have to be about 130. They're not employing The oldest living woman. Yeah, it's all trainees and Gandalf. Really messed up the average age. But badger net, though. I mean, obviously, people of an older age aren't great with new technology. But, you know, badger net sounds like the thing a nan would call the internet. Wouldn't it?

Oh, that's badger net. How long was you in for then, Paul? So we went in at half six and um i left at 11 so what did you do at 11 p.m that's so you because you're then released into the wild on your own what did you do i went straight to sleep actually i kind of got home had sort of a little bite to eat and then just yeah went to sleep and then you got to go the next day and bring them home yes exactly that how was the first drive home? Nervous? Just the first 24 hours,

everything I did, I was nervous about. Oh, totally. So I had to obviously bring the sort of car, the baby car seat in. And obviously you've just seen that sort of thing done so many times, but to actually do it with your baby in, you know, to carry the,

I'm like, Jesus Christ, the baby's not going to drop out the bottom or am'm holding this the right way round. You know. And obviously it's just that sense that everyone is watching you thinking what is that idiot doing over there? You don't carry it like that.

How were you carrying it? Were you swinging it above your head like a bucket? Balanced it on my head. I'd stick it on my hands. Between my legs like a kettlebell. balanced it on my head i'd stick my hands between my legs like a kettlebell and also you're a little bit older paul so a lot of your friends must have like had kids earlier yeah did you notice that so did you pick up any tips with that or was you just oblivious to their parenting when they had kids do you think it's helped you being a bit older yeah i said well there's certain things about it. Obviously, I'm a lot calmer. I feel like I've been able to sort of –

I was definitely someone that grew up late, let's put it that way. How old are you now, Paul? Are you happy to say? Well, 46. We're still trying to get work on E4. Yeah, yeah. I'm still hanging out for that CBeebies gig. Still wearing that bootcut jean with a hoodie sewn into a

blazer. Just in case Dick and Don don't show up for a shift. Just bought Stormzy's latest long player. I'm keeping my finger firmly on the pulse just in case the call comes in. And how do you feel about being a sort of older dad? Because 46 is a bit older than the norm, isn't

it? My dad was about 45 when he had us yeah um was it you just wanted kids later or were you trying um you know i mean if you're not comfortable talking about it it's fine but you know yeah it's been a it's been a long journey to get to this point let's put it that way so um yeah i think perhaps i left it a bit later and then um subsequently it was probably more difficult to achieve. God, I'm talking about it in such a weird way. Achieve?

It's like a sports pundit. You know, obviously I left it late in the day, which, you know, brought its own complications. And we did finally manage to get it over the line, but, you know, it was not straightforward. You know, McCaffrey likes to make life difficult for himself we've seen it again and again um yeah but I think the thing is though it is a bit awkward isn't it because as a friend you're like you know you're my I've known you years Paul and we've worked together and we're mates and been away as mates and stuff and I sort of knew sort of knew you

wanted kids when you would you were trying but it gets a bit awkward when like you know it's been like a year or a couple of years and you haven't had a baby and stuff and as a mate and as a bloke you don't know whether to ask or what to say no people stop asking really that's the thing you know it's sort of uh and is that easier than not asking than them asking you yeah it's it's sad isn't it it's it's a sort of sad situation but then i suppose it must be so exciting now that it sort of happens absolutely incredible it feels like a big build up to it though i imagine yeah you know what i mean because it's sort of you're seeing you especially with your mates you know when they've had the kids and now it must be weird though because you were out

drinking and having a laugh when we had little kids and now all your mates kids are getting older and going to school so they can go out drinking and stuff. And you're at the newborn stage. Yes. So does it feel like they've sort of like, it's almost like in a Formula One, isn't it? Where someone goes in the pit and then they can catch up on nights out. So how are you going to feel not with missing out on the nights out? I think I've had enough nights out to not feel like I'm missing out on anything. I have a list of varied regrets rob and i think

nights out is not one of them can i ask um are you feeling as a football fan that the birth of your child three weeks before the european championships is a positive or a negative for you watching the european championships i've got to be honest i haven't given it a huge amount of thought i haven't given anything a huge amount of thought for exactly 12 days um and what's some are you so are you getting up and doing night feeds or is alex doing that what's are you sort of how are you sort of splitting it at this stage is she breastfeeding or yeah so i'll be up when she's up because obviously the first couple of days she was very tired so there's sort of like you know worried about her nodding

off and stuff like that so yeah well you know when she's awake i'm awake but we've definitely sort of not got into the rhythm of kind of grabbing sleep during the day um you know yeah quite easy as well on the first couple of days when you know people wanted to come round and you're kind of running a bit on adrenaline, I think it's sort of very easy to just sort of, yeah, this is fine. And then you get to about two o'clock in the morning and she wouldn't go down and just being like, oh man, what have we done? Yeah. You just crash.

Visitors can absolutely do one. Yeah. Visitors are just the absolute nightmare, I think. And it's not their fault because when you have a visitor, at that moment, you're so pleased to see the world and you're so pleased with the human contact. But at 1am, you hate that visitor that came at 2pm so much. I know, and you don't really feel it then either.

It only really kicks in when you're unable to sleep. And you go, do you want another cup of tea? And tea and they go yeah i'll have another cup of tea and i will make it then why don't you make it you know how tea works i've been running around like a blue-arse fly for five days here why don't you make a cup of tea or just sit there thirsty so you going back to work full like are you easing back in paul are you going back to work full time how how do you feel about that i've yeah i've kind of eased back and obviously the other thing is we've just kind of the year that we've had i've also come off the back of the year where i've not been working a huge amount so it has all come at once yeah of course yeah yeah because

because i've noticed from our industry of what we do because of this uh 21st of june freedom day loads of gigs and events have all been sort of put on hold so like there's not been much work for anyone in the last couple of months especially because they don't want to have to do it with loads of restrictions if they can push it into the end of june so it has gone really quiet and all of a sudden now it's coming back to life so it's like and it's you know doing your job driving late at night and having to think on your feet is not what you put hand in hand with being the parent of a new ball is it you know when you're getting heckled and you just think i've got nothing here i'm so tired uh any any anything other than some like in terms of doing stand-up anything other than plain sailing is

going to be a real struggle for me i'd say say as well, your style is, you don't take any nonsense, like at the best of times, even when you're in a happy mood. Do you think so? If someone's been a, well, no, yeah, well, I remember when we did that gig in Leicester to all the students. That was a long time ago. I was a very different person then. I mean, I didn't think I was going to start digging up gigs

from 12 years ago. What did he do? No, right. So basically, I'm thinking, and in retrospect, I don't think you handled it particularly well yourself.

No, I didn't. All right, let each of you tell me what the other one did to the students in less. So basically, I didn't have a great time either. I got a bit angry.

Basically, it was like a gig for students, but they were all like, they just didn't care about comedy. It was part of their fresh freshest ticket they'd been on pub crawls and the next pub crawl was comedy for like two hours but they were just it was they were in a comedy club but they were just treating it like a pub like it was weatherspoons and was everyone was going on and dying and you know i was going on and i didn't have a very good time i think i've blocked that out of my mind but i'm sure paul remembers but i remember they were all chatting and being rude and then paul said look as long as you don't lose your cool just go on do your stuff and if

they're not listening they're not listening but you've done your time you'll get paid and just deliver your jokes don't get angry with them and then walk off right paul walked out and as he walked out so i went nice shirt mate and paul went what you fucking say immediately i know yes that i think that's about right yeah and it was the right it was the best laugh of the night to be fair what was the uh what was the shirt well no what it was was i said i was sort of you know kind of giving my stand-up guru advice which is like as long as you as long as you keep your sense of humor you can't fail yeah and it was basically like sort of doing stand-up at a football match when you did like no one had been told that there was stand-up happening it was like you sort of just turn around and started trying to do 15 minutes of stand-up so it was hard it

was hard work but i said you know as long as you don't lose your sense of humor, you can't fail. And then went on and lost my sense of humor in record time. The bloke shouted, why don't you tuck your shirt in? And I shouted, why don't you tuck your fucking shirt in? Was the, was the, oh,

that one is a great comeback. It's a great comeback. Why don't you tuck your fucking shirt in? What do you think you'll be like as a father, Paul? Like, do you, cause it's too early to tell, but do you think your role will be, you know,

a stern disciplinarian who says, why don't you take your fucking shirt in? Or do you think you'll be the fun guy who, you know, could be on CVBs? I hope that I will be a good father. I suspect I'll probably be, you know, fun dad, I would imagine. Would you let your child do the things you did? Because how old were you at Reading? Definitely not. You went to Reading,

what, really young? Yeah, I went to Reading when I was about 14, 14. The festival or just the city? Just went to the city. Just the Oracle.

Like Dick Whittington, ran away to Reading. Screw you, I'm off. Winchester can't contain me, stick a bamboo and a bandana, put some sandwiches and 20 Bensons in there and off I went.

Because you had quite a lot of freedom when you talk about when you were a kid. I don't know if you'd be comfortable with your kid going to Reading at 14. Well, I think, you know, that was freedom that I gave myself more so than anything else. I was quite a sort of rebellious

and naughty child. So I hope that, you know, I am not faced with that as a parent. But, you know, who knows? But yeah. It is scary, isn't it? It is scary, yeah. The thought of having teenagers.

Like, I'm terrified of the thought of reacting to teenagers. What were you like as a teenager, Josh? Were you a... Complete non-event. Really? you a... Complete non-event. Really? I was a complete non-event. I had lots of freedom because my parents were old hippies.

Right. But I took zero advantage of it, which is one of my great regrets. Well, I think sometimes if they are chilled, then you don't rebel. I don't know if your parents were strict, Paul. Yeah, I had nothing to kick against. Do you know what I mean? I had nothing to kick against. So I don't rebel. I don't know if your parents were strict, Paul. Yeah, I had nothing to kick against. Do you know what I mean? I had nothing to kick against. So I don't know.

But I went to Glastonbury when I was 16. Yeah. So I've got my war stories. Yep. I had some hash cake and started to hallucinate at the age of 16. Deal with it. Oh, Josh. You rebel.

Yeah, too right. Well, you were a rebellious teenager, Rob. No, I was a very good boy. Very good boy. Very nerdy. I wouldn't do anything wrong. Hated doing anything wrong. How much sleep did you have last night, Paul?

Talk me through last night. Last night was a particularly bad one. I reckon hour tops. Oh, God. What? Talk us through this from 6pm. I just think it's one of those sort of things like, you know, when you want something in life,

the more you want it, the kind of more it evades you. I think it got to the point at about three, we were like, oh, please just go to sleep. And I think she could pick up on that. And, you know, she'd fall asleep while feeding. And then, you know, you sort of put her down and she just wouldn't go down. Oh, have you have you been out anywhere with the baby yet we've been out for a couple of drives but that's it you know just kind of gone for a kind of drive

around town is she sleeping when they're driving she loves that yeah i think that's going to be a real kind of uh weapon yeah because what i used to do is drive to like a drive-thru mcdonald's or somewhere and get like a coffee and just leave the engine on. That is the most on-brand thing I've ever heard. School them early. Me too, drive for a bargain bucket from KFC. Hold her up so she can see the golden arches at the age of seven days. I'll swaddle her in the bucket and if she's cold, pop a gravy next to her.

No, but if you leave the engine running and then they sleep so pop a gravy next to her no but the uh no and then but if you leave the engine running and then they sleep so you're not having to drive then you can have a little sleep oh really so you're sat in the car park so if you get her off to sleep right say you're going for your drive and they're asleep if you get into the car but just leave the engine running and they're felicit they may just stay asleep so then i'd go asleep i mean has got quite a large carbon footprint as well. Oh, fuck the carbon footprint, mate. It's only a short period of time, Anubal.

You've got to do what you've got to do. If setting fire to a fridge and tyres got my baby to sleep, I'd burn them every night. And I don't give a shit what anyone says. Do you know what's going to be a game changer for parenting? The driverless car. Yes. That's going to change everything.

You'll just be able to pop your baby in for four hours, tell it to drive to Liverpool and back. So you're not even getting in the car with it in the passenger seat. Not even getting in the car. Have some fun. But, yeah, that's a good technique, Paul. And also just walking around a park, the fresh air gets him off to sleep. I don't know if you've done much of that because um josh has got a plan for the euros to put an ipad on the buggy yeah and headphones

once they're asleep because what you can do is you go for a walk to get him to sleep and sit on the bench then rock the pram with one arm and watch the euros with the other arm do not feel guilty about earphones in at this point because you'll regret it if you get to one and you haven't had that sweet sweet time when you had earphones in yeah 100 they can't they can't notice it there's someone who said i was walking with my baby was asleep like four weeks old with headphones in and someone's like oh i've got headphones in you won't be able to connect with the baby i was like he's fucking asleep i'm not gonna connect with it now yeah i'm connecting with adam boxton thank you very much i actually don't think I've listened to any music since.

Oh, God, you tapped out on Collins. I think Phil Collins was like, yeah, I know. I'm going to get hit by a bus tonight. That would be a... But walking, because I had a similar situation, which our firstborn just wouldn't sleep. But what I'll do is I'll just take the baby out for like two-hour walks. They're either entertained by the fresh air and and and and looking around sort of thing with the light and if not that like

they're you know the movement makes them go to sleep and then lou could chill out and have a sleep or whatever and if you're just doing sort of laps near your house if they do need feeding you can just duck in because the danger is you go too far and then if you go too far in one direction you've got to run back with a crying baby for milk it's like jaws you don't want to get caught too far from shore do you um can i ask you some newborn questions that would have been things that took you by surprise yeah how do you feel about the weird belly button thing oh my god but they left the cord sort of slightly long i don't know who sort of i mean there was one of the midwives there she was younger actually it's been the ones that we've seen bring the average down thing yeah i don't think she was sort of in the mix when they

kind of were handing out the average age but she would just kept sort of appearing every hour and then promising shit that she just didn't deliver she was like oh yeah you've still not had that cord cut i'll be back in a minute with, you know, not a pair of scissors, whatever it is that they use. And then just never, never coming back. So... How long is the cord? What, 30 centimetres? No, no, no. Has it still

got that freezer bag thing on it? Freezer bag? You know, like the clamp thing that goes on the end of it? The clamp thing on it? Yes. No, well, not anymore, but it did initially, yeah. I mean, obviously, it's all come off now. Oh, right. I was going to say, Jesus,

I have to ring an ambulance if there's no... It's just going to stay on there forever. I mean, we didn't get discharged from the hospital. They just handed me the baby and I got in the motor. I'm not entirely sure if there was a few sort of forms we needed to sign. It was actually the car door that cut off the umbilical cord on the way out. I just held her out the window and hoped it would blow off.

But yeah, it's horrible when it falls off, isn't it? That is freaking me out. It's like something from Alien. Yeah, weird. And then it sort of went kind of, obviously, a few weird colours. We thought maybe it was infected initially, but then we phoned up and they said that that was perfectly normal so um yeah that happens every 10 minutes yellow green then black oh yeah um and then eventually sort of comes off i i hate that feeling right because

you're new to it obviously you think shit is this in fact that's a totally natural thing but then when they go yeah that's totally normal you're like you just feel a bit like oh come on at least make it sound like i had a reason to phone you up do you know what i mean yeah go oh yeah we understand now that's totally normal well how am i gonna know i've only had a baby for 12 days yeah how how slow does time feel at the moment how long ago does that 13th day feel paul does it feel like a long time ago? Has it flown by? Sort of a bit of both, really, yeah. And looking back at it, it was sort of slightly surreal being in the hospital because it's sort of something that's so, you know, it's happening all the time.

People are always having babies. But when it's happening to you, it just felt sort of surreal. So kind of I think when we were actually in there for the birth, it was kind of a bit like of a dreamlike state so yeah um to look back on it now i don't really remember although i do remember it perfectly clearly it's sort of i also don't really remember what it was like being there but have you had any moments of like oh i actually feel quite chilled and relaxed we've got a handle on this now or at any point and then it went went sideways again yes for pretty much the whole of that first 24 hours, like an idiot.

I was just like, of course, we've got the perfect baby. You know, it's just. But no, not since then. I'd say as the days have gone, I've felt less and less in control. And without us giving you a clue clue at what point have you got you must because everyone who has a new baby does it feels like oh i certainly did you have a a time frame in your head when you think it'll probably be all right by then i've got six weeks in my head for some reason which again is probably i just sort of do you know what it's that kind of thing where and and she does feel like now she's her eyes look a lot clearer so i i feel like she's

seeing me in a way that she wasn't for good or for bad she's probably thinking oh jesus christ but like you know it's this guy but um you know i i think certainly for the first week there was no sense that she could even sort of you weren't registering whereas now i was just holding her before she started crying so i sort of picked her up and was was holding her in it does feel like she can see you so i suppose once you know you're able to get a kind of reaction yeah i don't know i think to be able to reason with her is probably a little bit ambitious but you know like but yeah i know what you mean though it just feels like you're getting something back rather than just you know this inanimate object just crying you know when when they're hungry the the crying is just like the worst thing in the world has happened

yeah or is happening it's just well i mean you've heard a baby crying what does that sound like paul i don't know i don't know what's going wrong with you paul because my baby's never cried what's that crying what's that mean when does that happen is that happened once or does it keep happening um and what are your kind of um like how much of a laugh are you having between the two of you? Because I'd say I have made Rose laugh zero times in the last month. Yeah, I'd say like twice a day is really good going. And actually, do you know what? The whole way through the pregnancy, that was not the case.

Like, you know, there was a, we had a good time. That's not to say that we're not having a good time now, but it's. It's just busy. It's challenging. Yeah. It's just shift work, isn't it, essentially? Yeah. You're basically working the night shift with one other colleague.

Yeah. And it's nonstop. And it's unpaid. And there's no holidays. Have you had a moment yet where, because I vividly remember having a moment about a weekend. Yeah. Where I thought, oh my God, this is forever. Where, because I vividly remember having a moment about a week in. Yeah. Where I thought, oh my God, this is forever.

I would be lying if I had, you know, was to say that I had not had that thought. Yeah. It's just sort of like, oh, wow. This, you know, the reality of it. It was so easy to give something like this lip service, I think, without fully engaging in the kind of yeah so yes I have had that thought in answer to your question Josh poor Paul's so tired

his questions are too deep I think he's going to love to have counselling after this is there life after death Paul? I think would you like would you like fries and coke with that would be too deep at this well mate ease up with the philosophy I just came in here for a burger just stop getting in my head yeah what's this a third degree mate

how are you well let's let's ask on food how are you eating like are you not not at all well, actually, which is not right for me. I keep forgetting to eat. Yeah, I did that the other day. I did 18 hours without realising. Yeah, it's really bad. I sort of like, and I'm usually, you know, someone with a healthy appetite,

and I keep getting to sort of dinner time and going like, shit, I haven't actually had anything to eat today. Yeah. Are you getting takeaways? Are you like eating junk food? My mum's been sort of bringing, she brought a lasagna up and then she brought a fish pie up. So we've had that kind of thing. And then we went and got takeout pizzas last night.

Do you know you can do a thing? I've not seen it where you set up a website and you send it all to your friends and then there's a schedule of people can deliver food to you. You what? Like a spreadsheet? Like a wedding list. A meal train, like a spreadsheet.

You send it and go, hi, guys. Obviously, we're going to need help with food when the baby comes. It's a little bit presumptuous. And you basically all fit in a slot to go, oh, I'll drop around a chicken chow mein on that day. Amazing. Oh, wow. Imagine being on the phone to your friend who's forgotten.

Where the fuck is my chicken chow mein, mate? I ordered it for 7 p.m. Tuesday. You picked that slot eight months ago. Come on. Where's my chicken chow mein, mate. I ordered it for 7pm Tuesday. You picked that slot eight months ago. Come on. Where's my chicken chow mein? You need to have good friends in order to do that because I'll be honest with you,

I don't think I'd do that for someone. Yeah, I'm struggling to think of any friends that would cook me a dinner. Half of them won't even get a round in. Do you know what?

If someone said to me on Thursday, I'm going to need you to cook me a dinner, I would say, can I get you a Deliveroo ordered to your house? There's no way. I'm barely cooking myself dinner. I'm almost tempted to set up a WhatsApp group just to see what the response would be from some people.

Hi guys. As you may know, I've recently had a baby. Just wanted to put this out there. I was if uh you got you guys between you and mine sorting out a road to where you yeah no that would not it's a bit too much isn't it i mean i don't know how to do that but uh yeah so that's a bit of a full-on setup you must have had a lot of gifts yeah how have you done with the i'd say I lost track of who to thank or how to thank them within seconds. Immediately I thought, oh, yeah, all those people who I've bought stuff for

when they had babies and I never got thanked. Of course they didn't thank me. They've got bigger stuff going on. Or are you all over it? Well, Alex, my wife is good at keeping a list. The mental load. That's part of the mental load. A lot of knitted stuff as well, actually, from sort of elderly relatives.

There's been a lot of... And the midwives. It looks like World War II in our front room. Should we stick a bonnet on? Might as well. Garments that you've not seen for about sort of 40 years. Yeah. I don't even know how you'd wear this one.

Bloomers. They've got it, bloomers. Can I ask whether you think, because i can't make this decision and rob i don't know the difference between your children's birthdays but do you think this would be easier uh in winter when there's less going on outside and it's dark in the evenings or do you think the sun the sun is giving you some kind of hope when you're waking up in the morning after your hour's sleep? Would you prefer a winter or a summer baby? That was one of the longest questions I've ever...

I can't even speak. I'm so tired as well. You're falling apart here. Would you prefer a winter... Would you have preferred a winter baby? Why are you saying that again? Why are you saying that again? Because I don't...

I'm hoping they'll edit that bit out, Rob. I know. We're leaving it in, yeah? Okay, okay. okay this is the truth and one quick question do you want me to recap the question or does it make sense i even fucked up the recap i even fucked up the recap rob hold it together mate paul um do you think it's good having a baby in the summer or would it be better in the winter when everyone's wrapped up indoors uh i think it's good actually particularly at the moment because it means that

yeah it's nice to be able to go out kind of with ease isn't it sit in the garden yeah and less mess indoors then isn't it if your house is a mess you can just take them to the garden but yeah winter babies are a bit bleak like if you go for a nice stroll now in the park but when i was taking them out in january it was that was hardcore because you can never judge the layers when they're really small because you don't want them to get too because in the summer it's obvious they're not going to get too too cold are they really like in the garden like even if they just had a little baby growth thing on but in the winter you're so worried about being cold and i definitely you definitely over layer them and it's so hard trying to get the layers on a kid it's ridiculous yeah it's much easier also if they do a shit in the summer because it

then you can just get to the shit much easier if they do a shit in the summer because you can just get to the shit much easier. If they do a shit in the winter, you've got to get in there, haven't you? It's an effort. Yeah, and they can destroy about 15 different levels of clothes. Yeah, exactly. Have you had their massive punamis? Oh, my God. It's hard not to take that personally, isn't it?

When you sort of... You sort of... I'll change this one and when you sort of you sort of uh that's all right i'll change this one and then you sort of take it off and then it's like what's that your cue to start shitting like three in a row as well so you just go like oh i might as well i don't know i don't know what i don't know what you do in that scenario i suppose just sort of letting them literally get it out of their system. Have you, have you been good with the, like that?

Obviously you said never changed a nappy before. No. Have you adapted to the, like, are you now fine with the shit and all that? Oh yes. Yeah. Yeah.

He loves it. I don't love it. I mean, if I had to sort of add to something else, I'd say I'd rather not, but like, but no, I think it's just the first, it's first one it's like doing a you know like a duck pancake isn't it but yeah i've got i've got i've got into the swing of it and obviously also when the cord was still on there you're having to sort

of like do it around that to make sure that didn't get caught underneath it and stuff like that yeah it's all those little things i think that's the problem the difficulty of kids is the fact that at every point you think oh i sort of know what i'm doing now but it constantly changes and evolves it's like it's like the baby goes okay they've got a handle on this it's a new variant of my behavior i'm gonna bang out now i'm just gonna decide just to cry all day and go sleep all night and swap it up but that's the thing you the thing, you don't ever get a handle on it. It's constantly evolving, isn't it? That's good to hear. I'm really glad I did this. It does get easier, Paul.

I've just come away with a new set of worries. No, I'm going to say it now, Paul. I'm going to say it. In the last two or three days, my, what's he, son? God, fucking hell. What is he? What is he? I'm going to say it. In the last two or three days, my son has started doing three-hour sleeps a night. And I feel like I'm a new man. And so I can't believe I'm saying this, but the fact he's doing three hours in a sitting, it does get better.

And I can say that four weeks in, you might be looking at three hours straight sleep sitting it does get better and I can say that four weeks in you might be looking at three hours straight sleep how does that feel Paul on an hour's sleep it's a sort of small consolation it has to be said you're gonna you're gonna treble your sleep I I had a night where I had two bits of three hour sleep and I woke up in the morning and I found myself thinking why am I not like fresh again because I just had that and then I thought oh no that's still shit sleep but in my head I was like I've just had two blocks of three hours I should be absolutely buzzing at this point I've lost all perspective yeah well two more weeks Paul I think no but

this is you are at the hardest part now, and it does get easier. Really? Yeah. It never, ever is as hard as the first few weeks. And also, it does constantly evolve, and you can never get a handle on it. But over time, you will care less. Yes. Which is quite an important thing, because at the moment, everything's so intense, and everyone keeps asking you so many questions, and you don't know what you're doing, really.

Yeah. Because you're just learning. It's just a bit overwhelming. But it gets a lot lot easier and you just get more sleep and it before you know it you go oh i actually feel all right but it feels like you'll never feel like that but you will it'll be all right paul thanks rob cheers mate yeah i genuinely believe paul that if you listen to this in a year you'll go you won't even remember this that's the best bit about this we'll have to get you back on after when the baby's about six months old paul like yeah and then if we have the same conversation

then a really tragic follow-up episode yeah it's gone down to 45 minutes a night actually i could i know exactly how you feel because exactly how every uh new parent feels but it's good though, Paul, because there'll be other people listening to this in the same situation as you go, fuck, it's not only me. Good. Well, I'm not going to lie, one of those people's me. One last question, Paul, which you may be too early at this point because it's such early days for you and Alex, but is there something that Alex does parenting-wise that annoys you

but you can't mention because it will turn into a massive row? Or is it too early for that? And she's been amazing and she's still recovering from a C-section. It feels too mean. Yeah, absolutely. I feel if I was listening to my husband on one hour's sleep and he started laying into my parenting style 12 days in, I would have every right to never speak to him again.

If they say it on the catch-up episode, you'd be like, how's it going, Paul? I'd go, well, I'm speaking to you from a new home. I'm settling in quite nicely. I am getting the full eight hours sleep. I haven't seen my wife or my daughter. Fair enough Paul thanks so much

that's been brilliant but we'll get you back on when the baby's a bit older but you will get to sleep don't worry keep the faith Paul you will you will

you'll be fine believe alright mate speak to you later that was great Paul cheers Paul bye bye Paul McCaffrey

Josh I feel I really feel sorry for him I feel four weeks in like I'm an old hand I feel like weeks in like I'm an old hand. I feel like I'm like, oh, remember that two weeks ago? Genuinely, that made me feel like my child at university. It was unbelievable. But you're also, as well, it's your second time round,

so you're a bit more used to it. It's such a shock and such a stressful thing. It's insane. And he's so blessed because i know paul and he just he was so tired yeah he's had an hour's sleep why did he he should have done this another time bless him i know but do you know what i'm glad he didn't because it was perfect for our podcast oh but poor sod we'll get him back on after a few weeks but he's yeah that is tough when they just don't sleep that is the thing if they don sleep, your whole life is just put on hold, isn't it?

Well, I think you also, you know, he's lived 46 years of his life without ever having one hour's sleep a night, without it being a night out. Do you know what I mean? There's never been a point before in his life where he's had the situation where he needs to only have one hour's sleep. And suddenly, that's what you're existing on poor bastard yeah i mean that that podcast there is for anyone that has got newborns that are struggling

so if you're not on your own everyone is struggling and also the people that had newborns have got older kids now we all remember that time but you know what we don't in a way do you know what i mean it's so extreme that you don't the amount of people who i've described what i'm going through in the last few weeks and they're like oh yeah maybe it was like that for us and you're like how do you not properly vividly remember this i think you just sort of block it out don't you it's like ptsd um anyway it's paul mccaffrey um check out his stuff online he's on instagram he's got loads of funny clips also on YouTube. Really funny guy. And we'll get him back on when he's had some sleep

because he couldn't really speak, could he? Bless him at points. No, it did feel at some points like, should I be asking you about something else completely? Is this the worst topic to ask you about? Yeah, exactly. If you just talk about Matt Letizia, his glory is at Southampton for 10 minutes.

You're a big Southampton fan. I tried to ask him about the Euros, and he was like, I haven't thought about it. I'm like, well, what are you doing, mate? Oh, bless. Anyway, that was Paul McCaffrey, people, and we'll be chatting with you on Tuesday.

Don't forget to send in any of your stories, any of your Am I Being a Karens, and any – if anyone's more tired than Paul McCaffrey, let us know. I can't imagine it. Can you? No. No, they can't be. If you are, do write in. If you're like.

If you can, if you've got the energy. What's that film with Christian Bale in where he's got insomnia? The Machinist. The Machinist. If you're the Machinist, perhaps, but beyond that. No chance. You can get in contact.

Hello at lockdownparenting.co.uk. Right. Speak to you later, people. See you later. Bye. Bye-bye. Hello, Alan Davis here. in.co.uk right speak to you later people see you later bye hello alan davis here inviting you to join me by listening to a new podcast seven pillars each episode i'll be talking to a famous guest to discuss seven significant cultural influences inspirations or experiences seven things that help shape them that they loved or that they

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