Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP42: You better tell your therapist about this...

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL'S02 EP42: You better tell your therapist about this...More misadventures in parenting and beyond...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @lockdownparent INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parentingA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The clicker around the room! You guys just about finished?

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback MasterCard. Want visibly glowing skin in 14 days? With new Olay Indulgent Moisture Body Wash, you can lather and glow. The 24-hour moisturizing body wash

is infused with vitamin B3 complex and has notes of rose and cherry creme for a rich, indulgent experience. Treat your senses with Nuolite Indulgent Moisture Body Wash. Buy it today at major retailers. Hello, I'm Josh Whitacombe. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Lockdown Parenting Hell. The show in which Rob and I discuss what it's like to be a parent during lockdown,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, in an effort to make some kind of sense of the current situation... And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills... Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to

Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Rob Beckett. Howard Beckett. And Josh Whittaker. Doc. What did we call you, Doc? Not the best effort we've had, is it?

Doc Whittaker. You've gone in today. Not the best we've had, is it? Sound Quiddicombe. You've gone in today. Not the best we've had, is it? Sound like you're in a script meeting for The Last Leg. Not the best we've had, is it, Alex and Adam? Come on. Ten years I've been doing this and they're sewing up this shit. Fuck's sake.

How are you, Joshua? I'm all right. You're all right. I'd say Saturday was a low day in my life. All right, okay. What happened? Yeah. Last Leg on Friday night, obviously. Yeah. all right you're all right i'd say saturday was a low day in my life all right okay what happened yeah last leg on friday night obviously yeah i i went into last leg feeling finishes late doesn't it they finished that was a late finish it you finish recording at probably five past 11 10 past

11 is it even later this week as well because i think next the one coming on this friday we finish recording at midnight fuck my life i did a uh a late show peter crouch's euro show right yeah and it started at 11 p.m and i sat there and tony adams had said nothing for the previous like two hours and live on telly he just didn't shut up and i just sort of sat there going i'm just gonna let tony adams talk when you're an arsehole fan i was like why all i could think tony Tony Adams was there talking about captain in England at the Euros on a Euro show. And I just thought, if I was watching on telly

and I saw a comedian that was me interrupt him, I'd be furious. So then I just listened to him, 600 caps, played with Kenny Sampson and Ashley Cole, just reeling off his CV. But yeah, it's too late to function. Too late to function, that sounds like an yeah, it's too late to function. Too late to function? That sounds like an album.

It is too late, though. It's too late. Twitch has got four kids to them sleeping in his fucking bed. He stayed for a drink after, though. I think he's tapped out of mornings while he's filming that show. But I stayed for a drink after the last leg. So I'm allowed to have a drink in my dressing room. There's no green room.

So Malika's... So you sit on your own drinking beer? No, because I can have a maximum of three people in my dressing room. So I kind of, I take guests like the queen. So, you know, I'll have a few people just pop in. Who's in your room then? Who makes the cut? Who makes the Widdicombe cut?

Well, it kind of is a rotating cast because it's a one-in, one-out system. It's like a nightclub. You're like Ocean Beach. Yeah, exactly. Apart from I'm open. Brutal. Slam.

Sorry. Sorry. It's just Wayne's Instagram. It does dominate my life sometimes. Yeah. So come off. Can I just ask? I did have a question.

Did you sit in silence with Tony Adams for two hours watching the football? Well, yeah. No, basically, no. He wasn't in silence, but he was quite... He's a bit deaf, so he wasn't really chatting much and stuff. And it was really awkward in the make-up room. I sort of said, oh, Tony, me and my brother had a massive fight once because of you. He went, oh, right. I went, went yeah because when you scored that goal against everton

and won us you know pathetic little arsenal fan like and when that's what you gotta do isn't it i know but it's just awful i did it when i met ian right now he said he's pathetic and i was like oh yeah when you scored that goal against everton and steve bold chipped it through you followed it in the corner and you can literally see him going what goal i'm trying to remember it and i'm like and then i was like, and then I recorded it. My brother recorded over the VHS and we had an argument. And he went, oh yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh no.

Oh God. He just couldn't hear me. He couldn't hear me. When you meet a footballer, I just go to, my brother told me yesterday that when he saw Alan Shearer in a hotel, went up to him, panicked, and just said, thanks for the goals. That's a pathetic thing to say to a footballer.

It sounds like, you know like California Man and you're trying to get someone to come into society again. It's like what an alien would panic say to a footballer. Or like if you asked me to go and say something to somebody, you know horse dancing was dressage. Dressage, yeah. Right, if you said to me that say something to somebody, you know, no horse dancing was dressage. Dressage. Yeah. Right. If you said to me,

that is the greatest ever dressage person, go and say how much you like them. I would just be like, oh, great horse movement. Yeah. Thanks for the, thanks for the great,

great movement of the horse. Yeah. Thanks for the dives, Tom Daley. But your brother's a big football fan. Yeah. But I just think when you say, say Shiri,

like I get overawed. Who have I got overawed? Like I once met Steve Coogan in the gym and my voice went because I was so intimidated. The worst one I've had, well, not the worst, but I was obsessed with Alan Davis growing up, right? I loved his standup. I loved Jonathan Creek.

And I remember when I first started doing a bit of telly and stuff and then I was going to the football and Alan Davis was next to me. He went, oh, hello, Rob. How's it going? I was like, oh, my God. I was like, Jennifer Creek's talking to me. He went, oh, what was you being funny on the other day?

I was like, oh, my God, he's seen me on the telly. It was pathetic, and I panicked so hard because it was like the person that I loved the most growing up was talking to me, and then it was so funny that after he went, the bloke I was supposed to be meeting outside the training station was stood behind me and I was stood on his foot the whole time. And I went, well, why didn't you tell me I was stood on your foot? He went, I told you because you was panicking

and I didn't want to make it worse for you. Oh, it's sweet though, isn't it? That, you know, these things, Rob, one day someone will feel like that towards you. They should be salty and unsalty. And then we should have one where if you've met someone and you've absolutely panicked. Oh, yeah.

We need to have a word for it, maybe. What is the opposite of salt? Melted. Melted. Salty, unsalted or sweet. Sweet. It's sweet, isn't it? It's sweet.

It's sweet because you've melted. Yeah, so salty, unsalted. Do send in when you've absolutely panicked, when you've met someone famous. You've massively've absolutely panicked when you've met someone famous. You've massively sweeted it up when you've met someone famous. I don't know why. Anyway, sorry, I was telling you about last time. Yeah, your family.

I know it's going to be a stressful weekend because we've had to delay the record for this because your daughter was being difficult getting to nursery. Yeah, she wouldn't put on her shoes and socks. And in the end, I called her bluff and took her in bare feet. Oh, God. That is proper East London. You've just stoned her. I've just stoned her.

Full Diana Vickers, Circa X Factor. It was a comedian. Laura Lex, really good comedian. She used to, I don't know if she still does it, used to do gigs in bare feet. I don't know why, but a bit of an arty Edinburgh thing. But then I remember doing a gig of her in like Bournemouth and she went on and it was like one of them disgusting

like Bournemouth uni gigs. And it was like, you can actually hear her feet like sticking to the floor. I was like, you've got to wear shoes on the circuit. I don't, you know, it's your health and safety issue. It's the first rule of comedy. You've got to wear shoes on the circuit. Yeah, exactly. You can go barefoot in Edinburgh whenever you want,

but on the circuit, come on. Sorry, Josh, I'm overexcited. No, it's all right. It's all right. So we did Big Brother. Big Brother, what's it called? Why did I say that? Last leg.

I'm tired. So I left there at midnight. I'd had four bottles of beer, which isn't a lot of beer, but it's enough to affect you on when. So then I'm in the car. That's enough that you may have texted someone and forgot about it. Yeah, exactly. And then you panic in the morning.

What if I text you? But it took an hour to get home, which was way over what it should have taken. Yeah. Which when you know that you're heading into a sleep situation is disastrous. Yeah. Just caught in Shoreditch, which is now full of people having a great Friday night, which is far worse. You've got to move out of East London, Josh.

It must be so upsetting to watch such happiness in your current state. It's horrible to see such happiness, Rob. It's horrible. It must be awful to be so close to people loving life. It really is the last thing I need. Zone 5 is the best thing that's ever happened to my morale. When I do the school run,

I see someone who's about to embark on an hour and a half commute into London. And I just think, thank God I sit in my little shed and talk to Josh. Get home at one. Yep. Baby wakes up more or less, not because of of me but more or less as i come in so uh that so he feeds to 120 and then he uh wakes up again at three feeds till 320 yeah wakes up at five doesn't go back to sleep till six when my daughter wakes up and then it's into Saturday.

And then your day starts. And then my day begins. Well, welcome to the weekend. Welcome to the weekend. So you're just starting with no sleep, basically, aren't you, for the weekend? Three hours 20, but broken into two bits. Three hours 20.

So are you up when Rose is feeding then to sort of help with the... Well, I do the changes. Yeah. Which go before the feeding, don't they? Because you've got to do the help with the changes yeah which go before the feeding don't they because you can't do the change before the feeding if you if you want any hope of the feeding leaving just leading to sleep because you don't want to get more milk drunk and then you're banging on a nappy yeah exactly let's be honest between me and you you're both trying to justify not banging on the nappy in that situation you're both trying to make an argument for i'm sure he'll be fine you've got you've got to do the change first.

Otherwise, it's just a disaster. That would be my first tip as a parent. Probably my only one, the way it's going. Also, I think a baby's like, you know, when you've got a flight and you've got to be up, flight's at 7am, you know, you've got to be up at half four. When you know that a baby's going to wake up again, you can never get to, you know, you can't get to sleep.

Awful. Awful, yeah, you just can't't there's too much pressure on you um he's a loud baby rob he sleeps so loudly he sleeps loudly honestly mate how does he sleep loudly i reckon well he got used to it now but i reckon it feels like he's woken up every 10 minutes, but he's just making noise in his sleep. What kind of noise? Can you give us a blast? Like a, like a kind of,

like a, like a kind of, like the groans of a baby that's waking up, like a kind of, Oh, but then, but fully asleep. Yeah.

My youngest is like that. She, even now she'll sort of like talking asleep quite loud. I used to moan like a trapped boy in my sleep, and I think I still do sometimes. But I don't normally – I'm asleep, I can tell you, but Lucy's a moan. Yeah.

Yeah, so it's all of that going on. Stuff like that. Obviously, the house is boiling hot. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because it's high, isn't it, it your house it's like a yeah house though we have moved the air con into i'll be honest yeah i had to get a builder to do it was too heavy for me he was in the house anyway he was putting a shower the glass in the shower oh that's humiliating did you help him well i said could you help me with this and then he just picked it up and did

it on his own as if to make a point. Oh, Josh. Oh, that's really horrible. Yeah. He was very polite about it, but he enjoyed the moment. So when that happens, do your bollocks completely disappear? Or are they still there? I wish they'd disappeared bloody 10 months ago, Rob. That's what I tell you.

Am I right? Oh. Oh. So. Oh, that is degrading, isn't it? It was very degrading. So Saturday was a real, it was a real challenge, a real test. I've, do you know what did cheer me up, Rob?

What's that? In my situation. I got a text from Alice James. Yeah. Oh, this is tasty. Oh. So I'll just read you some highlights of his, his attempts to get his son to sleep. How old is his son now?

Two and a half. Two and a half. Steph has needed someone to lie down next to him for two hours to get to sleep for about three weeks now. This is completely unsustainable. Also, he is obsessed with the Euro, Zelis, so he's just laying there going it's ukraine netherlands i said can you look at your phone he said no i count to 100 time and time again in my head

what is it surely headphoning at least it's a combination of the two-year sleep regression and his room being so fucking hot yeah i mean in the we've had we had to buy new fans for the girls and it is so hard to get a kid to sleep. One, when it's hot, but also when it's so bright. And it's like, it's bright till nine o'clock. They're like, it's morning. Yeah. Why would I go to sleep?

Are you insane? Well, one, they were really tired the other day, right? Because they'd been going to bed about half eight, nine, every night. And then they were knackered, and they went to sleep at like six right we bathed them because they were just exhausted and then one of them woke up at nine and thought it was the morning and she was like it's morning i was like it is look it's sunny i know it's sunny but it's not the morning it's the solstice oh my god it's so hot it's so the days are so long i've had to whip out the paddling pool yeah um we've got to buy a new paddling pool.

I've got an absolute blinder. I got it from Costco. It's only 30 quid and it's got a little slide on it. It's got a dinosaur. Oh, lovely. But I was pumping it up and as I was doing it, I was so hot. So I was pumping up on Saturday and as I was doing it, seven drops of sweat run off my nose at once

and I heard them hit the paddling pool. And both the girls just started pissing themselves, laughing at me. And I was getting so stressed. And at one point I said, when you're older, you better tell your therapist about this. Things I've done. I do do nice things. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread,

over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win

with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback MasterCard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavorful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelized onion and parmesan pinwheels Only at Tim's At participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time But I don't know what to do with the water though Josh

Because it's You empty it every night don't you The paddling pool Do you Rob I know you've got to say that Because people are listening But do you Well no that's what I've been doing

But if it's too heavy It's so heavy and it's a little plug thing. Emptying a paddling pool is just impossible. Because it's so heavy. And then once the water's going, it's going. And then you've just got a big wet patch in the middle of your lawn. Yeah. And then that's the only bit that's green and the rest is brown and beige from the sun. Yeah.

What are you like in the sun, Rob? Because I'm obviously absolutely... I was watching the England game yesterday just thinking, I wouldn't ever... If I was a top-level footballer, I wouldn't have an effing hope in this weather. Yeah, I know. I'd have to play...

I think I'd always just play... I think that's why Trippier played left-back, because it was in the shade. Do you know what? I said this myself, Rob. I said this myself. What, you'd play in the shade? I'm all right in the shade, but I'm not a sun... On holiday, I'll sit in the shade you know what i said this myself rob i said this myself well you play in the shade i'm all right in the shade but i'm not a sun work on holiday i'll sit in the sun because you just get

sweating horrible which is fine on holidays you get in the sea and just wash the sweat off yeah and then everyone leaves spain of a fungal infection because they've not actually properly cleaned themselves it's so sticky i'm i'm i'm a mess in the heat. Well, so we had to send our eldest. He was dressing up for farm day. So we're all going in his fancy dress. Fancy dress? Fancy dress. Fancy dress?

Fancy dress. Also, my youngest has garage instead of the garage. Is it in the garage? Oh, wow. Fancy dress in the garage. Fancy dress. So we sent her in, but it was a farming day and she's got to dress as a farmer for end of year assembly but she wanted to go to the fancy dress

day as a chick so lou made this amazing chick outfit as in a young chicken right yeah not a funky chick you're not using like street slang no just as a chick yeah no no she's not she's got as a chick that the animal yeah and but what i realized was fancy dress is when if anyone goes what's it like to be famous or known like recognizable just wear fancy dress that's what it's like because if you were i was walking to school with a fancy dress and goes oh look at you oh and i decided i was like oh this is just like wearing fancy dress every day people just looking at you you. That is true. Because it's like, if you go on the tube to a party, I mean, in fancy dress. Yeah.

There is that thing of, you do that thing that I would do now, where you think, if I just look down and I keep my headphones in, no one's going to talk to me. It's fine. But they will. They'll go, oh, vampire. Yeah. The same way as they go to, oh, last leg. Yeah, exactly.

And then a conversation starts. Yeah, exactly. But anyway, that's what I really like. How's your week been rob yeah it's been all right actually it's been pretty good the um we uh we went for a nice little um because the kids weren't going to sleep so we thought why don't we just go and take them out for like a bit of dinner or something so um we we went to that is pub beer garden it's perfect it's all in the shade and they've got it's like play area and we sat down and ordered a drink and our girls just ran off and they were both old enough and like capable enough to just be on the climbing thing and me and Lou sat there I was like oh my god is that

someone's giving you the key to the city we just sat there I was like oh so they're just gonna play there while the food comes and then they come and sit and eat it with us then run off and play again oh my god Rob what a life it was like a real like just liberating but then poor old malcolm she's the five-year-old right has lost the front two teeth and she's not had the front two teeth as in falling out yeah yeah but no but she knocked him out she fell off a scooter two years ago knocked out the front two teeth yeah and then two bottom teeth have fallen out naturally and then one at the bottom's growing but completely the wrong direction that you'd want the tooth like no like the back teeth of a shark because it hasn't got any friends to kind of keep it on the straight and narrow yeah friends that's um yeah yeah exactly

so i think when they all come through they all straighten up and then you you know but so i think they all come in funny angles so she's got one down the middle and then she was on this swing in the park thing and then i heard just this like, right? She fell off the swing and landed face down like starfish. And she was wearing a white school PE top, completely covered in black from like the bark, right? It looked like someone had tar and feathered her, right? And then she'd come over and another one in her front swobbly.

No. She got the mouth of a crack addict. Oh, mate. What age you meant to lose your teeth? It's very early, isn't it? Well, yeah. Just all accident-based.

Well, yeah. So she's lost three at the top accident-based and then two at the bottom just un-natural. Can she be trusted with the normal ones that are going to come through?

God knows, but we'll see what come through. And if she's got my genes, they'll be rock solid and she'll have to go some. Also, I think all baby teeth are because they are built to sort of fall out yeah they are they're not really as they don't take a lot to sort of fall out but yeah it's not it's not ideal though well yeah what else is happening in uh this week um not much yeah sort of the back of the swimming's

all good it's quite it's pretty good actually there's sort of um like being out there both being able to play in the paddling pool life's good life's pretty good i did have a my daughter does demand three different drinks at dinner oh yeah milk water and squash milk water and squash and i'm sort of just doing it um oh that was she's got a thing about my food being smelly the three-year-old so i had but just it was like a burger a burger with salad right trying Still trying to do no carbs, right? And she's like, oh, your dinner's stinky. She went, go away, sit somewhere else. I went, no.

I was like, I'm sitting here. If you don't like it, you move. She went, all right. She moved her entire, all her stuff to the other side of the table. You have got a daughter that hates you, Rob. She's just got a lot of sass about her. She's got the same size feet as the five-year-old. No.

Yeah. You've got a sassy little daughter, Rob. I've got a sassy, big footed daughter. Sassy, big foot. Yeah.

Sassy, big daughter. And they've been foot stamping when we're arguing, you know, like you say, you can't do that. Hands on hips and foot stamping. Oh, wow. And we've got now an immediate timeout foot stamp policy have you yeah so where do they go set on step yeah they're setting the timeout step because we're not having that but

also we've had to whip out the old um uh jar the pom-pom jar of destiny because the respect level from the three-year-old she's proper three three-nnager, always whinging, always moaning about absolutely everything. And this ain't right, that ain't right. So we're just sort of, we're laying the smack down a little bit. We've let her get off with all, she's tired because it's hot. But then it gets to a point where like, you're being a prick. Yeah. Get the pom-poms out.

I think we've been very lax, Rob. I think everyone is in the heat, Josh. And also, you don't want to be too harsh on her because you've got the new baby. You don't want her to feel like she's... It's not her fault. So why was she kicking off about her shoes? Because this is the war zone, Rob.

She's good with sleep. She's fine, okay with food, as long as it's one of about three foods she'll eat, which is fine. I don't care. Do you know what, Rob? If that's the only food she's offered. She eats good food at nursery.

That buys me the guilt of the shit food she eats at home. Right, exactly. So that's what we did because we waited for our eldest to go to school and then rather than trying to force her to be adventurous, they start being adventurous because they see other kids eating stuff. Yeah, totally. So you're better off letting them find their own way rather than going, you've got to eat this broccoli.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So she does that. As long as she's eating one good meal a day. Exactly, Rob. They have all three meals at nursery, mate. Oh. So she does that. As long as she's eating one good meal a day. Exactly, Rob. They have all three meals at nursery, mate. Oh, yeah, all three. Yeah, because they're in all that.

Yeah, exactly. So she's eating well. She's eating well at nursery. Even if she's eating shit at the weekend. She's eating better than you. She's eating far better than me, Rob. I haven't eaten yet today. Really?

Yeah, I'm not fasting. I just haven't got any food. It's that simple. It's old school fasting, though. The fridge is completely full, but there's nothing to eat. I'll really eat one of them. It's that simple. It's old school. Our fridge is completely full, but there's nothing to eat. I'll re-eat one of them. It's one of them, Rob.

I've got Froobs. Froobs. Kill for Froob, Rob. An innocent smoothie and a cheese stream. Oh, mate. What a start to the day. I'd absolutely kill for that. So what was I saying on this?

No, yeah, we fight over clothes. That's the... She's just very, very picky over clothes. Oh, right, okay. To the point where it's doing my head in. But what can I do, Rob? It's a power thing, isn't it? It's a power thing.

I think calling her bluff with barefoot to school's a good one. Yeah, called her bluff earlier, said I was going to throw her socks in the bin. Shouldn't have done that. Yeah, well, I think sometimes they want to wear more clothes. You can't explain to a child that it's 8am and it's it's cloudy but it's gonna be 30 degrees so get this fucking dress on or you'll be sweaty and you'll come home hot and tired exactly rob she said she wouldn't wear socks i said well we don't need them anymore i'll throw them in the bin then she flipped out about that

i'll be honest rob i didn't show myself in the best light this morning but there we go did you lose it no i didn't lose it but i wouldn't say i was a laugh so what's how did you what did you watch the england game what's your setup with the kids in the england game and the euros because this is quite key i was holding a baby as england scored rob right it's not ideal is it it was awful because baby because you just have to stay silent you just have to come it's like you have to just just maintain a dignified silence when you want to just shout that we're going to win the european championships you want to scream it's coming home but the baby's sleeping exactly so we booked in a uh babysitter to come because we were having people around and we were like we'll book in a babysitter then she can sort

of be on top of the baby so you can enjoy your afternoon that's a nice idea yeah so she couldn't come with an hour's notice you panicked and tried to text her an hour before the england girl oh no no no so she she'd agreed to come the morning oh but she had something else come up so basically then i was i was colouring with my daughter during the first half, Rob. Oh, no, no, no. It was painful. You've got to take a stronger line on this, Josh. I need to take a stronger line.

You can't do it. You can't. What are you doing for the Scotland-England game? Oh, you're on telly. Last night. And then Czech Republic's in the evening. Yep, so the kids should be at bed or something. Yeah, the final's in the evening, so I'll be fine for England in the final. Yeah, don the kids should be at bed or something. Yeah. The final's in the evening.

So I'll be fine for England in the final. Yeah. Yeah. They're fine. Yeah. Don't worry about the final. That's absolutely fine. Can I tell you my setup?

Oh, do I want to hear this? No. Right. See you in a hot tub. No, it was too hot for the hot tub. Oh, for God's sake. This is right. So Lou, Lou went, oh, what are you doing on Sunday?

This was early in the week, right? And Lou's not really a bit oblivious when the Euros are on. What are you doing on Sunday this was early in the week right and Lou's not really a bit oblivious when the euros are on what you're doing on Sunday I went um why she went well um my family so basically her sister and her sister's boyfriend live near Brockwell Park in South London really nice park um but it's a bit of a mission to get to because it's about a 45 minute drive from where we are park is a nightmare or you drive to a train station get on a 10 minute train and then you've got to walk to the park which is still a bit of a nightmare with kids when it's hot right so she went we're gonna go to the picnic with my sister or her boyfriend my mum and dad and my other sister and their baby and the two kids and i said off the bat i'm not going right yeah i'm not going

should why not i went because i think it's going to be too hot for the kids. It's a nightmare. They don't really care. It's going to be 30 degrees. Just let them play in the paddling pool. England are on. I'm going to sit and watch the England game. And I don't want to be driving for two hours across London on a hot day.

And then she went, okay, well, I'll take it on my own then. Oh, my God, Rob, you lucky bastard. Have worked out better. You've got to be kidding me. So, at 11 a.m., Lou's mum and dad come and picked up Lou and the two kids and drove them to a station. They got the train and went to the park, and they were there till, like, 5 o'clock.

Oh. Why is your life so good? Mainly because the kids are easier. Yeah. Because if the kids were your kids' age, that would not have happened. And Lou, I would have been sat in my garden holding a baby. So that's more of what it is. And also, Lou, I've got this thing.

So also on the Saturday, so Lou had the kids all day. But on Saturday, I had the kids all day. I took them around to my brother's in the morning to play in the paddling pool with their cousins. And then I came back and my mate come around and we watched the Wales game in the garden. I put the paddling pool up. I had the kids came back and my mate come around we watched the wales game in the garden i put the paddling pool up i had the kids all day luke come back about six right so this i think is what keeps us sane yeah is that as much as we do family time we do lots of family time we also do your like time alone with the kids so that the other parent you have there it's hard for you guys because the new baby's so young and we didn't do it that much

when we had young kids but in two two years, my relationship will be back, back to normal. Yeah, exactly. But by Lou having that whole day on her own with her friends going out for a bit of lunch and getting her nails done and me having the kids all day, when she had them on the Sunday, she wasn't like annoyed or resentful on Saturday.

I'll be like, right, I can have a chill Sunday. And rather than us both being exhausted all weekend. You chilled on Sunday, Rob, like Craig David. I chilled on, I pulled, I pulled a Craig David. I chilled on, I pulled a Craig David.

I went, you go for a picnic with your family. And also the truth is like, as much as I love my in-laws, they don't care if I go or not. They want to see their grandkids and their daughter. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? So, and I get on with them and they're nice.

And the same with my family, you know, you don't have, I think sometimes that pressure of keeping up expectations of or it'll be rude or impolite for me not to go you said well yeah but then you've got to balance up enjoying your weekend yeah do you know i mean because having your own time is you need that i totally agree rob let me let me put that in perspective with what my existence is like okay i just looked across the room and saw a half-eaten bag of mini cheddars and thought i don't know how long that's been there but could i just eat that for breakfast i think you can yeah i'm not gonna judge you josh that's that's the way well i'm gonna have one now

that's the way i'm feeling i like saturday morning three and a half hours sleep rob yeah i had to unblock a toilet we've got a toilet. Did you ask the builder or did you do it? Did it myself. Yeah. Failed. I tried to do it once and then I broke it. Plumber came this morning. Yeah. Plumber came.

So I'm failing to unblock a toilet at 10 a.m. on three and a half hours sleep. I then took my daughter out to the park where I met friends, right? Yeah. And to give Rose some break, just to chill out. How many people did you see just sat on picnic blankets drinking cider?

Yeah, just everyone's having a great time in Victoria Park. It's a party park. That's one of the problems. It's a party park. Laughing gas. Laughing gas all over the bloody shop, mate. Kicking through the canisters on

the floor honestly mate there's some people smoking weed in that park i don't want to i don't want to point fingers but i've smelled it bloody woodstock it's like bloody woodstock mate um and so then went for lunch with my friends to just get my daughter out of the house as long as possible. When I got home, our baby had refused to go down and sleep without being on Rose. So Rose had spent four hours basically holding a hot water bottle, unable to go for the shower that she wanted to have and was the reason I'd gone out. Oh, and she was going to get it when he was asleep.

Yeah, and he just wouldn't go to sleep except on her and then well did you try and then but still crying for her no no he so he'd go to sleep on a human but she was the only human in the house so actually me going out meant that she was absolutely stuck with the baby yeah the whole morning oh no and you think like you've done a favor by not being at being there and giving her some chill time but no in fact you made it worse i've given her a complete hospital pass that's what i've given her then i'm being trolled by the way rob oh who's trolling you a historian i'm ready for some of the most stiff-necked beef I've ever heard. Why are they trolling you? I get a letter in the post, Rob.

It's a jiffy bag. Yeah? Yeah. I can see it's from Off the Curb, which is my agent, right? Yeah. So it's been sent to them, and they forwarded it on. Do you remember a couple of weeks ago when I was sounding off about seeing the top 10 Sunday Times bestseller list?

Yeah. And I said, there's even a book in there just called The Anglo-Saxons. So I opened the jiffy bag. It's only the fucking Anglo-Saxons I'll back book. He's going to stay in that list now

that we've been plugging in. So mark morris he sent me a letter oh that's great from mark morris great bands from mark morris uh dear josh i wanted to call it reading bear wolf twice a day because my book's called watching neighbors twice a day nice yeah but the publishers insisted on a more prosaic title. Good luck with your own book in September. Number six is the position to beat. All the best, Mark. Oh, that's lovely. Fair play to him.

You've got to beat the Anglo-Saxons. Well, I was absolutely, you know, up for that. I'm up for that, right? I would be confident of this, Rob. My publisher, my editor, he listens to our podcast, Rob. Occasionally. occasionally yeah as does your editor who's his friend right yours listens more than he does because he always says my mate said that said this from the podcast it's your duty as well mate anyway

he's due diligence mate due diligence at least till september then you can let me run free exactly mate i'm trying to celebrate i'm so excited about the mental stiff neck events I'm going to have to go to to talk about my book. Because I'm worried because they'll go like, oh, pick your favourite book and then we'll talk about your book. I'm like, I can't, you know, talk Bring Hard Bastards by Kate Cray. Just because you write a book, that means you read them. You know what I mean?

So Mark Morris obviously is trolling me. He said you need to be number six, right? So my publisher, he said, I listened to your podcast a couple of weeks ago. I've got some bad news for you. Yeah.

You're not going to make the top 10. I'm like, what? Wow. He's like, I should warn you. I don't think you're going to make the top 10 because you're out in September. All of the books are out at that point.

If you wanted to make the top 10, you need to go out now. I'm like, well, you made the bloody decision when to release it, mate. I didn't go, I want to be out in September, when it's basically fucking, you know, like competing. Holly Willoughby's there. Yeah. He was like, you know, what's going to happen? The Hinches are going to...

The Hinches? Yeah, he was like, you know, what's going to happen? The hinges are going to... The hinges? How are the hinges a bigger meal ticket than I am? Mate, the hinges are so much bigger than you. I don't even know who the fucking hinges are, mate. They are mega. First they beat us in the podcast charts,

and now they're knocking me out of the Sunday Times bestseller list with their book that he doesn't even know if it existed. He was just using it as an example. But isn't the process of writing a book and, you know, the people that read it, and it connects with the bigger prize. You have to be in the top ten, Josh. Just if anyone's thinking it, please don't send me any more copies of the Anglo-Saxons. I don't need them.

Is your voice all right? I haven't eaten or had anything to drink today, and I ran back from nursery. You're on fumes, boy. I am on fumes. You're living on fumes. I've got somebody who's more tired than you, Josh, because we asked other people that are more tired. I thought it was quite a good one to read.

This one's from Hannah Dawkins on Instagram. Tired in capitals. Oh, I feel for you, Josh, but I'm going to try and top you. I have a 16-month-old who people have referred to as very fast and inquisitive and having good lungs um she still gets up one to two times a night to play and will be up at 5 a.m on the dot i'm also 26 weeks pregnant and i work three twelve and a half hours a week as a midwife i I currently have sinusitis, low iron levels, and I cry at a good cup of TV. But on the escaping front, I often leave early to go to work so I can have a cup of breakfast quietly before I shift. So she's working the system to her advantage. But yeah,

Hannah's very tired. Midwife, pregnant, and a 16-month-old keep waking up. So you're not on your own, Josh. There's other tired people out there it's weird isn't it because i've realized in the last few weeks how much tiredness is the key to if you're not tired anything anything if you're trying to be a parent you're trying to diet you're trying to do exercise you're trying to do well at work go have a meeting sleep's so important it's so do you know what it's underrated if anything it's so good sleeping you know what? It's underrated, if anything. It's so good, sleeping. It is. It's really good. And I miss it.

Yeah, but you'll get it back, Josh. I will. It's just a blip. Anyway, well, we're going to, this is a great time to talk about it. We're having a little break from the podcast, aren't we, Josh? For you and Rose to try and recover. We're having a little end of series break. We're going to put out some best of episodes.

So we won't be away. There will be, to be honest, content that is funnier than all the normal episodes. Yes. We're going to have some best of episodes that are going to be coming out for the next couple of weeks. And we'll,

we'll be back after the Euros. Yes. We're just going to have a little break to get my life in order. I need it. Yes. We're going to come back with a new name. We are going to come back with a new name. So where to come back with a new name so where do we stand with the new name rob no so basically the plan was to call it rob beckett and josh riddickham's parenting podcast but everyone was quite anti that yeah

a little bit too stiff neck so a little bit dry we're thinking about the common consensus is we've had a few choices everyday parenting hell the parenting podcast with rob and josh the pod fathers parental misguidance parenting unlocked stiff neck loose neck josh and rob's parenting podcast featuring sexy michael's voice to please the mothers i think michael's just put that in i don't think anyone's asked for that um but i think we're just gonna drop the lock down and keep the hell yeah we'll drop so it's rob beckett josh widdicombe's parenting hell yes and so when we come back we'll have dropped the lockdown and um hopefully as well i think they're i think now postponing freedom day but hopefully shouldn't be for too long so lockdown i fit hopefully should be a thing of the past and we can just be parenting hell isn't that exciting josh we'll be coming back

with more great guests we just we just needed a mid-year break didn't we rob yes basically that's and then we'll's loads more guests let us know please request guests because we're going to try and do a lot of um block recording in the time off so we can get loads of guests if you've got any contact details for them that'd be great yeah any people you want on the show let us know those suggestions we can try and track them down yeah uh right josh i've got more people that are more tired than you here. Go on. This is Sarah on the shit sleep competition. My kid is just about to turn three. Never slept through.

Still wakes three times a night. This is what terrifies me, Rob. Well, poor Sarah's. I'm on my own with him. I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time for 3.5 years, as I couldn't sleep when I was pregnant as I had to pee constantly. Do I win? I mean, Sarah, I think you're winning at the moment, Sarah.

That is full on. Like this is, people get so used to it. Yeah. So I take our friends. They've got a child. He's two and a half. He's not, he's never been a good sleeper. Yeah.

And he's been ill this weekend so we texted them this morning said um how was last night and they said not bad actually um he woke up at 4 40 and uh didn't go back to sleep but not bad and you're like imagine getting to the point where that is not bad imagine in your life waking up at 4 40 and that being the start of your day and thinking i'd take that i mean yeah well yeah it's it is brutal but it's temporary josh it is temporary it is temporary and i've got an idiot tax message here yeah idiot taxes your dad said a thousand pounds a year you can put aside for being an idiot so you're not too harsh on yourself when you do make mistakes, which I think is a very good self-care method.

Hi, Josh and Rob. Obsessed with the podcast. It's had me howling and laughing every week, and I just wish it was around when I was in the newborn trenches, as it would have made those long nights more bearable. Anyway, yeah, I do think that this is a great podcast for those horrible middle-of-the-night feeds. Anyway, just wanted to say the acceptance of idiots.

Baby's too loud. We can't listen to podcasts. The one with headphones in. Is baby still too loud? He's just... Rob. We just don't. We just sit in silence.

Rose, I'd say, when Rose is feeding at 3 a.m., she has the eyes of someone who's come back from Vietnam. Just looking straight ahead. Who's that Paul McCaffrey one last week? He had to edit out so much stuff when he was so tired. He was just going, yeah. And then just stopped, didn't he? Yeah.

You're up, Paul. Yeah. Anyway, this is Idiot Tags. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No. I just wanted to say the acceptance of Idiot Tax has changed my life. Today, I got a Tesco delivery of a full crate of Prosecco and six packs of floor wipes from Tesco.

Confused, I then realized I'd booked a slot and stuck some random items on I did not need with the intention to change it later. Because you have to put stuff in there to keep your slot but I never did change the order due to toddler tiredness and general

high mental load at the moment anyway whilst usually I would have been really pissed off myself for wasting 50 quid I found myself smiling and saying oh well idiot tax game changer thank you Frances it is a great one send your idiot tax emails in I found myself smiling and saying, oh, well, Idiot Tax. Game changer. Yes. Thank you, Francesca. It is a great one.

Send your Idiot Tax emails in. I love Idiot Tax. It's such a liberating thing because you can be so hard on yourself unnecessarily, you know? Yeah. Also, you know, that Prosecco, you'll drink it over the summer at some point, put it in the fridge. Do you know what I mean? Exactly. Whereas the plunger I bought on Amazon that didn't unplug the toilet is a complete waste of time oh right do you want another uh instagram

yeah and then we'll uh do small business shout out uh okay rob rob rob rob rob rob an easy win for swimming i enjoyed that i don't know this is from slightly annoyed i'd say i'd be slightly annoyed if every email started like that yeah there's There's no Josh involved here at all, but it is about me and my kids swimming. This is from Pasty Man Dan. Pasty Man Dan. Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, dot, dot, dot, dot, Rob. As an easy win for swimming, get both girls changed at home in their swimsuits,

hats and goggles. Then chuck on a onesie and easy slip on and off shoes. I do this and it makes swimming drop off so much easier. Arrive, no need for a cubicle. Shoesie us pass them to the teacher you are welcome my fellow gooner love the pod chaps keep up the good work thank you pasty man dan speaking as a swimmer a parent swimming parent rob does that sound like a realistic thing that you'll be implementing into your life yes it does and i think as well you if we got like a sort of onesie that was like a towel type of material so that then rather you know like so that then you could put them in it when they get out and it almost like dries them off do you know what i

mean yeah i think i'm going to try and find a toweling type um onesie because i've got them little towels like the hoods that wraps around them they don't really cover them up enough um yeah that is a good that's a good shout. I'll try that. Any more, any more? This one, never mind Danish schools and frozen animals, I was in Russia's Imperial War Museum

in the Kalashnikov room. Yeah, oh bloody hell. A whole class of Russian school kids watching a man strip down and reassemble a Kalashnikov.

They were about nine, ten years old and totally taking it in their stride. Mad Russian bastards. I'm going to say it, Rob. Yeah. We're in trouble.

Western democracy is in trouble. Well, yeah, especially like ten-year-olds can strip back an AK-47. Right, Josh, small business shout-outs. Let's go. Let's do this. Right, shall I go first, Rob? Yes, please. Hello, Josh and Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob. Firstly. Oh, I like it. You're still on fire. let's let's do this right shall i go first rob yes please hello josh and rob rob rob rob

firstly oh i like it you're still on fire you've not eaten a drink you're nil by a mouth but you're firing on all cylinders oh god mate i am i am all right firstly thank you so much for the podcast you lost it a bit there i think you should just have just take it. Just take it. I'm up and down. Firstly, thank you. Not Dodge coin this guy. Firstly, thank you so much for the podcast. It's genuinely made this year a lot less shit for me and is high on my lockdown survival list. I wanted to let you know about the small business

my cousin Katie started last year whilst on furlough. It's called Baby Eats Out and is a service that helps parents find baby-friendly places to eat out. Oh, that's good. That is useful. Yep. The symbol scoring system lets people find out if the eatery has changing facilities, high chairs, and kids' menus, as well as showing that staff are happy to support breastfeeding and bottle feeding.

It's bloody brilliant, and it's on Instagram, at underscore baby eats out. That's underscore baby eats out. That's underscore baby eats out. Lots of restaurants have already signed up, have their baby eats out stickers up in their windows. She's worked so hard on this. I'd love it to be a real success. Thanks for making me laugh at a time when laughs can be hard to come by. Anna Farmer.

Nice. That is a great idea because I'm going to be honest with you. I think that's another one of my phrases, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. That and death to the West. Death to the West. Yeah, I know. But I am winning on that one.

Underscore baby eats out. Yeah, that is good because the amount of time you go to somewhere that's a bit cool and trendy and they haven't got any baby seats or no baby food. Oh, in East London, mate. Chai chairs, that's what they're called, baby seats. Yeah, it's very oh in east london mate kai chairs that's what they're called baby seats yeah it's very difficult so not my scene anymore they can sit on chairs my kids anyway here we go hi guys great podcast thanks for your help in getting us all through this

ruddy nightmare if you don't they're so british this ruddy nightmare ruddy nightmare if you don't have any other requests from people trying to pedal cufflinks in a time when no one is even wearing a suit let alone fancy shirt that requires cufflinks. And here I am. Oh, that is a great start to the email. Oh, let me get that. In a time when no one is wearing a suit, let alone a fancy shirt that requires cufflinks. Here I am.

Good on you, mate. Anyway, I sell slash make cufflinks and badges featuring micro machines, posh Monopoly pieces, and other board games items on my Etsy shop, Call Car Cuffs, and that's C-U-F-F-S for cuffs,.etsy.com. If you guys ever need any fancy, unique cufflinks for your stand-up shows, awards ceremonies, weddings, bar vitimals, funerals, court appearance, et cetera, then I would gladly send you some for free. No, we don't do them for free. You sell them, mate. Anyway, these are really cool cufflinks.

And you can see on his Etsy shop. Did he leave a name? He didn't leave a name. He didn't leave a name. I tell you what, he's written the funniest email we've had. That's a lovely piece of writing. Also, Father's Day coming up. Cufflinks, great present for a dad.

Father's Day coming up. So, yeah, they're really cool. He's got that yeah nice little like minis and but the uh the batmobile and stuff like that little cufflinks and star wars ones those are really cool great businesses to end the series they look really cool yeah so that is who are you in the monopoly rob who'd you play us dot etsy.com i like the dog yeah i like the dog as well i like the dog i'm the dog um thanks very much people and we'll be back after euros um end of june beginning of july we'll announce on

instagram exactly when but also between now and then we will be uh yeah putting out some best ofs for you to enjoy also they're quite a good thing to maybe send to people that you want to get on board you know and become it's a great way to start listening to the show is the best. I'd say. So that'd be very helpful. If you could share those best of episodes with your friends and family to get them on board for when we come back with series three. Anyway,

well, Josh, have a nice rest and enjoy some lovely time. This is your technically your paternity leave with your child and your children. And we'll see you and we'll see. Oh God. I've run out of steam. The perfect end.

This is what happens to me. I'm on or off. It's the perfect end. See you soon for Series 3. And we'll drop the lockdown. Bye. Bye.