Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S02 EP8: Wheelie Bin-gate

Episode Date: February 16, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S 'LOCKDOWN PARENTING HELL' S02 EP8: Wheelie Bin-gate More misadventures in parenting from Josh and Rob. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks. xxx  If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @lockdownparent  INSTAGRAM: @lockdown_parenting A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And to make me feel better about my increasingly terrible parenting skills. Each episode we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how well they're coping. Or hopefully not. And we will be hearing from you, the listener, with your tales of lockdown parenting woe. Because let's be honest, none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome, you are listening to Lockdown Parenting Hell with... Jasper, can you say Rob Beckett? Jasper.

And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Good boy. There you go. Go on, Jasper. There we go, Jasper. I bet you didn't know many Jaspers growing up, did you, Rob? I think we need to have some sort of diversity of people that do these clips.

They're all middle class. Rob, this is your new audience, mate. Deal with it. Stacey, stop it. Let the dog out for a shit and come and do this. Stacey. So it's Jasper and Hugo, isn't it? Jasper did well, though, there, Jasper, didn't he?

Yeah. Jasper is two. Last week, actually. Happy birthday, Jasper. It would be great if you could play this on your podcast as my husband and I have sent it in and we'll be listening to you whilst in the bath. Quite an image.

Yeah. May I add that the bath he will be laying in is secondhand bath water, first used by Jasper, that will no doubt be murky, full of sock fluff and consists of at least three weeds that Jasper purposely saves for the bath. Oh. Why is he getting in that?

Yeah, just run another one. Tell you what, Rob, you have got your working class list. They're working class in the 60s. Yeah, exactly. The eating's been turned off. They're in a bath in front of the fire in the front room. Sometimes I get in the bath with the girls, but then I have a shower straight after,

and that's me getting washed time. Yeah. No one gets clean in a kid's bath, do don't no one gets clean in a kid's bath no one gets clean in a kid's bath there's no there's no there's no actual uh you know i was gonna say it's purely for pleasure though and then i thought that is a very bad yes no no it's their pleasure not your pleasure which is still not great i still don't think that's ideal rob welcome to the show how are you yeah good i'm not too bad i'm happy that it's half term yeah of, of course. You're still in nursery stage.

But, like, my eldest was just getting knackered with, like, she was just so, like, Zoom fatigued and just over it. And, like, you know, we're not working as much as we normally would be and we can't go and do things. But she was, like, grinding every day, like, nine till three, doing different stuff. Like, she's exhausted and we're like floating around bored and i've got a five-year-old who's like frazzled like a new york accountant so we're quite enjoying just like bluey is on disney plus now so they're just watching that

in their 90s eating chocolates left over from valentine's basically so yeah you did you went valentine's big didn't you yes lou loves an event um also that was more extreme we basically lou did all this really it wasn't any of mine doing she got like teddies from chocolates and set up like it was a birthday but for valentine's but i think just we are doing anything we can just to make the days different so we just went let's just go matt if there's something you can cling on to we just went mad for valentine's in our in our house and katherine ryan put on a good thing where some people you know you know that thing about spoiling your kid and stuff like that she was just like i don't want my kid to be impressed by a packet of

crisps you know like i want them to be treated well you know i want them to have high expectations which i think is good isn't it so they know they're worth yeah um but yeah no we're all good um how are you josh how are you getting on i I've had some terrible news, Rob. I hope you're sitting down for this, Rob. Yeah, I don't normally stand up to do podcasts. That's mental. You're not Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross, funny Andrew Sachs, are you? Yeah, that worked out well, didn't it? Stood up. I tell you what, why don't we all just sit down and think about what we're saying, shall we? A bit too freewheely, isn't it, stand up?

So, Rob. Yes, go on. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do bad things happen to good people? Okay. You ready? Go on. I've had my bin stolen.

Okay, right. What bin? That's all you've got. That trip to do the bins once a week, you's your only trip out really, isn't it? Mate, it's a very, I need your advice. Okay, what bin is it? Is it a big wheelie bin? Yeah, so Hackney Council, a couple of weeks ago,

we all got new bins, mate. We all got bigger bins because Hackney Council are changing their pickups of the main bin, not the recycle bin, from one week to fortnightly. Yeah, we're on a fortnightly shift. It's a tough gig down in South East. It's a tough gig. You always got too much.

I'm going to shock you with how many bins I've got in a minute. I'm going to tell you. Yeah, well... I've had to buy extras. I hope you've double checked that you've got your initials on all of them, Rob.

You have to have. You have to have your name written on them. Yeah, well, I found that out the fucking halfway, mate. So you've just got a completely bare bin. We've got a new bin. So we've got a new bin. Everyone got new bins.

Yeah. I'm not going to go into the politics of the fortnightly delivery. I know a lot of people are angry. I realise there's cuts in local government. I also realise people need to be encouraged to do the recycling. That is not the issue I have here. Yeah, because you've got a separate food bin, yeah? Yeah, separate food bin do the recycling. That is not the issue I have here. Yeah, because you've got a separate food bin, yeah?

Yeah, separate food bin, separate recycling. So, you know. And any other, which is basically, you know. Yeah, so it's the any other bin, which is probably a third bigger than your average wheelie bin. So I was excited to get this. I would argue the any other bin is the bin they want to be obsolete soon. But I would argue they're getting bigger. I'm not going to lie to you, Rob.

Mine is obsolete. It's disappeared. It's completely gone. I'm having to go full recycling. I've got no option. You're going to self-sustain. Basically going to be the good life at my house from now on, Rob. But there we go.

So talk me through. What's the situation currently? You didn't write anything on the bin? No, not in the first five days of having the bin. Yep. And then yesterday came out, no bin. But the bin men had been, so I presumed it had been delivered. You know when occasionally they'll put it back in the wrong place?

Yep, yep, that's happened to me before. Slight panic, then you go, of course, they popped it there. Fine. That's why you number them. Next door, they had four bins, Rob. This is when I found out for the first time. I was like, oh, right. They must have gone and taken one of my bins.

They've got four flats next door. I had no idea. I presumed it was two flats. Four flats? Four flats. That must be tight in there. You've seen the size of my house. That is not a four flat house.

You've got a lovely house, but it's not huge. It's not four flatter. No, it's a two flatter. Or a family home. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, they've all got theirs numbered, A, B, C, and D. I'm not going to throw out suspicions into who it was on the street, but one house have got two of the new big bins,

and they've written their number on both of them. Oh, my. Have you spoken to these people before? Well because i only realized this yesterday and i just i don't know what to do rob oh right okay and i thought if ever there's a forum to discuss it because obviously it's a difficult conversation to basically accuse someone of stealing your bin i don't i can't foresee them going it's a fair cop they probably maybe even think they have to rightfully have two bins like you seemingly think rob like no no no i i've we got given bins but i bought extra bins oh right so they may have bought an extra bin so that's the difficulty that's that this is all my worries

right so i don't know what to do would you confront them would you phone hackney council if you phoned hackney council would you let on your suspicions about uh the other the other house i personally i would let that bin go yeah and i would ring hackney council say i never got a bin yeah but that is lying that's what i'd say to you off the podcast. Well, it's particularly bad considering, you know, we've got quite a broad listenership, Rob. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if someone at Hackney Council listens to this. I mean, if you spoke to me privately, I'd say, just tell them you never got a bin, yeah?

And then, but now on the podcast, I'd say, just swallow it and buy one. Well, I don't know you can buy one, Rob. Guess how many bins I've got. How many bins? That's really come to this. Guess how many bins I've got. I've got loads of good stuff. How are we top of the podcast

charts with this kind of shit? I don't think, I can't imagine anyone's got more bins than me in a residential property. Okay. I think you've got five bins. Commercially. I think you've got five bins,

including recycling and others. No, no. In total? Yeah. Seven. Talk me through your bins, Rob. Okay. We've got... This feels like the end of an ITV game show. I'm going seven. I need you to talk me through your bins, Rob. Okay, we've got...

This feels like the end of an ITV game show. I'm going seven. I need you to talk me through your seven, otherwise we can't give you the star prize. I've got eight. I've got eight. I forgot about one. You know the little wicker ones in your house?

They don't count, right? No, right. I've got two brown wheelie bins for paper recycling, two green wheelie bins for plastic recycling, two black wheelie bins for any other business and I've got a food bin and then I've got the black bin that they gave me to put all my plastic and card in which is just and considering the current world we're in of deliveries is an absolute insult to even the prospect of recycling so I'm running an eight bin operation Rob I've

got to ask you, is that final black bin going begging? Because I could give it a great home. I'll be honest with you, sometimes that bin doesn't get used. But when it gets to Christmas and things like that, the bin's getting involved. I'd say it's a seasonal bin.

So I did phone up Hackney Council and I gave up. I can't believe you've got a seasonal bin. Well, no, but then sometimes, like today, they missed a pick-up when it was snowy last week. So I've pulled them back in full. And now the seasonal bin can be used as a sort of rescheduled bin. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's a rescheduled bin, yeah.

I'm running an eight-bin ship. If anyone's got more than eight bins, talk to me. Because I was dead against it when Lou suggested it. But since I've received the eight bins, talk to me because I was dead against it when Lou suggested it. But since I've received the eight bins and we've got a side alley they can all fit in,

I'm pro eight bins. Well, I'm not going to lie to you. There's someone on our street who's trying to get to eight bins. I can tell you that for free. Oh, well, I'm sorry that someone stole your bin. Yeah, well,

I phoned Hackney Council. I was 10th in the thing and I gave up. 10th in the queue? Who else is ringing? Well, I don't know. Council. I was 10th in the thing and I gave up. 10th in the queue? Who else is ringing? Well, I don't know. There's a bin thief on the loose. There's a bin thief.

How's it been with children and parenting as well as, you know, I suppose it's part of parenting, isn't it, looking after bins? Well, we put her in the bin and I'm not going to lie, we haven't seen her since, Rob. It's been a very quiet week. It's been a very quiet week, but she's had a lovely time at her new home. Do you know what? Big weekend.

Yep. Moved her bedroom. Oh, okay. Why is that? Because we've had the loft finally kind of more or less finished. So that's now a spare room. So she's moved up to the old spare room. Okay.

And then her old room's the new spare room. Yeah. I'm not going to lie to you. I have never felt like more of a man than I did this weekend. Oh, what happened? I dissembled two beds. Yeah. Assembled two beds.

Yeah. Made a wigwam. Do they call them that anymore? TP? TP, wigwam. Oh, God. I don't know why, but both of those words feels like they could cancel us. Yeah.

Mate. Assembled two beds. Got rid of two beds. Built a kind of conical tent. A kind of inside tent. I'm sure it's fine. No, wigwam camping holiday, unless that's a really racist company. I think we're all right.

I think we've shown enough worry about saying it, enough concern, that we've shown that we're not throwing it around willy-nilly. Yeah, okay. Just to be sure, a wigwam is more of a curved top. So a teepee is what I think, yeah, a teepee you've done, yeah. Yeah. I did love your attempt to try and re-edit yourself straight after and think of another word.

No, teepees, Argos sells teepees. If we're going down, Argos are coming with us. Well, the way the high street's going, Rob, I wouldn't be surprised if Argos are going with us. This podcast will be bought out by ASOS. So I did all that this weekend. It was absolutely one of those kind of... I felt just alive.

I felt like a proper... I used an electric screwdriver for the first time. A Bosch, a little Bosch one. It was one that was a drill that had a screwdriver bit that you could put in it. Mate, that does feel good. For someone who doesn't use them all the time, especially for you because you don't do it the same as me.

We're not DIY guys, are we, Josh? We're not DIY guys. It gets you out of parenting as well doesn't it well she likes to help she does like to help oh oh okay that is a bit annoying yeah but you know it's it's a lovely life-affirming moment but it did mean i couldn't finish my podcast we've spoken about the one in here the one in technique of a podcast but when you're putting a bed together i think you just have to sacrifice the podcast yeah yeah you do also because there's bits falling all over the shop you could crush a child at any moment with the new bed yeah exactly well that's good well done josh you had a good sense

of achievement yeah it did well it was and then i lost my bin and then i didn't know how to chase it up and suddenly i didn't feel like a man at all you feel weak then don't you especially and then part of you thinks how hard are they if went to a fight, could I take them over this bin? Well, also, imagine if it got into some kind of dispute, Rob, and then I kept seeing them, because I'm not going to move over this bin issue. I'd prefer to just never bring it up. Well, yeah, exactly.

I think you're best off just bury it. It's done. Oh, I forgot to tell you something, Rob. Go on. This was massive. Yeah. I was leaving nursery. Yeah.

And by the way, my daughter now prefers nursery to us. Okay. How often does she go? Three days a week. Yeah. But she's not in on, which day isn't she in? Thursdays. Wednesday night.

It's a mummy and daddy day tomorrow. The disappointment in her voice. In your defence, at your defense there's at nursery there's loads of other kids right playing okay and when it's just you two it's just you two and and in the house or the park they're bored of that yeah tell me about it mate well she thinks we're fucking rubbish we took um we took the both of them to the park the other day when it was really cold you know it's like minus six right and one of the youngest was being a bit ratty oh she's been really ratty what's wrong with her and i was like it's because we took her to the park the other day when it was really cold you know it's like minus six right and one of the youngest was being a bit ratty oh she's been really ratty what's wrong with her and i was like

it's because we took her to the fucking park and it's minus six what kind of kid if it weren't locked down and we did this social services would be involved go what are you doing you're taking your kid to the park it's minus six keep them inside this is dangerous it's dangerously cold for a child no wonder she's ratty so don't do yourself down josh it's that it's dangerously cold for a child no wonder she's ready so don't do yourself down josh it's that it's just because you can't do much with them you know no you can invent something to do but any anyway well i did we met we made four beds together anyway um i was leaving a nursery a guy stopped me yeah uh one of the other parents pointed at his legs do you know what he said rob what pointed his legs and Do you know what he said, Rob? What?

Pointed at his legs and said, I'm wearing tracksuit trousers because of your podcast. I can't believe. I just can't believe that you're not on your own of someone who never wears tracksuit trousers. I'm loving the fact that we're bringing more sort of middle-class uptight people into the world of Tracky B's. It's a great world honestly mate it was like i'd opened a door into a new world for him he he was you know very nice

man and he was absolutely delighted that we'd introduced the idea of tracksuit trousers to his life i do think that the style of people i've you know i've been looking at going you know going to the shops and things like that when you you see people coming to the shops, everyone is dressed slightly at the moment. And the tracksuit bottoms are getting a little bit more scraggly and older because we're wearing them a lot. Everyone slightly looks like sort of a Russian alcoholic just walking around the street. Well, I'm going to say it, Rob.

This is how much I've lost kind of interest in dressing to even leave the house yeah i've thought about buying some t-shirts that i don't like because i fear that i'm using t-shirts that i like on pointless days because you know you only get so many washes out of a t-shirt yes so i was like i'm wearing t-shirts that i like but i'm only wearing them around the house i need to buy five supplementary crap t-shirts that I can wear for the rest of life you know what I think that's a good decision you know you get get like from next do quite good ones where they're like five quid and then you can you know you could just wear them until we're allowed out again and then you're worrying a bit more about nicest nicer fitting stuff Jesus

have I just given up have I just No, I think you're right. I mean, I think you can only get a year out of a T-shirt, really. Max. Properly. And you can keep wearing it, but it's ill-fitting. And then you just think

you're getting fat. You're like, this don't fit anymore. It's because you've washed it at 80 degrees. Sleeves get so short. You look like you're rollerblading on a Miami beach.

And then you try and reach something from a top cupboard, belly's out. Little hairy belly says hello. And that isn't your fault. You know, it's your T-shirt's fault. So T-shirts, I think, have outstayed their welcome too long and they need to be taken to a charity shop for someone else

that's smaller than you and they may fit them. Yeah. That's part of my personal opinion anyway. I totally agree. I totally agree, Rob. Do you want one more question? Yes, one more question, please. Do you want a want a quiz uh okay yeah i'll have a quiz did the old box of uh stuff you wanted to get rid of outside the front of the house oh you love that yep love it should

i give you the items you can tell me which one wasn't taken you didn't put it all on the bin did you and then they just took the bin with it in so you've got you put a list of items i've got a list of items i put outside the list of items that I put outside the house only one of them wasn't taken by the residents of Hackney okay okay

talk me through okay a mirror okay a framed poster for Italia 90 oh my god wait

I'd have had that no it's a very bad print Rob oh okay it's a very I got done on eBay oh you got Etsy'd yeah absolutely

wished yeah and still framed it even though I knew in my heart it was bullshit. Right, so mirror of Italian ID. Then a toilet seat. Okay. A work-in-order toilet seat. Yeah, brand new. Oh, okay.

In the packaging? In the packaging. Okay. A sun canopy for a Bugaboo B5. Love the detail. Yep. And a white towel a white a white towel like a a child some kind of towel you'd give to a baby okay right all right so i think the toilet seat and packaging is gone immediately yeah yeah that's good yeah it doesn't want a fucking toilet seat mate especially

a new one if it was old product i think italian 90s gone yeah oh something like that so what we got left mirror bug bugaboo i think bugaboo umbrella's gone yeah it has gone yeah i was surprised at that because who the fuck needs that on a bugaboo beef like that is a niche item someone will readapt it to use somewhere else okay cool so uh what we got left mirror and white towel i think the mirror i think the mirror got left. No, the white towel got left, Rob. Did it? Oh, see, I felt like it was too obvious, the white towel. Oh, yeah.

A towel's a weird thing to pick up, isn't it? Because it's something to clean you, isn't it? But yeah, white towel. That was it, yeah. At least you got rid of the heavy stuff. Exactly, mate. Do you know what? I enjoyed that game and we'll play it again next week. Also, can I say, because Rose sells a lot of stuff, doesn't she?

Buys and sells antique things. Beautiful it's on her instagram um what i a personal highlight of mine is when she's sending a light fitting your arm comes into shot to help sell it because you have to hold the light fitting up and some of them look so heavy i can see the the veins in your arms popping with strain honestly that um that kind of small chandelier thing, I was having to lift it up. And then because we only had probably about seven or eight seconds, the bits were still swinging on it. It was like taking a moving shot of a kind of animal in its wild,

in its natural habitat. Oh, my God. Well, we'll put them on the Instagram page. But yeah, it really made me laugh. I was like, I know that arm. That is the arm of the bigot. Do you know what? The arm was looking good because it was so tense.

The arm looks great. There's no, there's no comedy in the arm looking weak or it just looks like a big, strong arm. Well, I tell you what, where there is the comedy. Next time you look at it, Rob, when you go to screen grab it, look at the colour of those fingers as they grip on for dear life. They are as purple as an aubergine.

I've only just seen that. Because there's one of them. One, you're like holding the top. Looks easy. Looks very easy. The second one, you've got two purple fingers. It looks like you're holding on to someone's hand as you fall off a cliff.

Oh, my God. The first scene in Cliffhanger. Yeah, the first scene in Cliffhanger, yeah. OK, we'll post that up, but, yeah, we'll put both up because one looks a lot lighter than the other. Hello, everyone. It's Alan here. I just wanted to tell you about my brand new podcast coming next week. Lights of Beach.

This podcast is the escapism we all need right now. I sat down and chatted with some of my famous friends about everything travel. From caravanning in Rio to private jetting to the Maldives, my guests spill the beans on their holiday horrors and dream destinations. And let's face it, we might not have the sun on our faces, but after a listen to this, you'll definitely have a smile.

First episode is the very funny Romesh Ranganathan. And coming up, we've got Robbie Williams, Jessie Ware and her mum Lenny, Michael McIntyre, Rufus Wainwright, Rob Rinder, James Blunt, Dustin Lance Black. Oh, fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a fantastic ride. We've had some good stuff, right, from our listeners. Oh, the correspondence. Let's shut up a bit and get this correspondence out because you guys, they've really gone up a notch.

Oh, that's it. Well, let's do this one first because it comes off the back. I would say I did string out the bin anecdote too long. I know. There's a lot of people going through that kind of stuff and it needs a voice. And I think the bin stuff's great. Don't get cautious about the bin stuff, all right?

Don't get worried about it. We've got plenty of time in this episode to talk through stuff this the stuff about leaving stuff outside to go right this this really made me laugh um this is from sophie on instagram he said hi guys i love the podcast this isn't about the dummy fairy but instead the buggy fairy my daughter is eight now but when she was due to start school i decided it was time for the buggy fairy to come and take her push chair i dropped the buggy off outside oxfam on reflection i think it could be classed as fly tipping um but i left it there for them to take in and resell and gave my daughter a gift in place of the buggy and said here's your gift we're giving the buggy to the buggy fairy um i explained

she was a big girl and the fairy had taken it to give to another child she was distraught but got over it after a few hours on her way to nurseryraught, but got over it. After a few hours, on her way to nursery, a few days later, she was over it after a few hours. Oh, no. And on her way to nursery a few days later, we have to walk past Oxfam. Imagine my horror to see that the buggy was still set outside. Oh, no.

I tried to hurry her past, but she spotted it and cried. I was half tempted to grab it back, but it looked even grottier than it did when it was in our house. And I didn't think... I didn't want anyone to think I was stealing a buggy from a charity shop. Why hadn't they taken

it in? Oh, I don't know. Have you got any tips of getting older and wanting toys? Keep up the great work. I think outside your house, if you live in a built-up area, is the best way. And with a sign on it that says, please, free, please take. I think that's the best.

I love giving stuff outside the house. I don't know if it's illegal. I hope it's not. But it's thrilling because it just goes. You can get obsessed with watching people take it. Oh, yeah. Or some people knock and go, you really getting rid of that? And it's that and it's sort of like yeah i'm actually you know it's just a bit too big for a house so yeah it's quite a nice compliment just take it yeah it's lovely actually

isn't it yeah i thought so um yeah that that made me giggle um i've got an do you want um i've got i've got loads do you want me to do a bit of an instagram special josh have you got someone okay do you know what on friday before uh Jamelia, we'll do a surprise birth special. A surprise birth special before Jamelia. Okay, perfect. Right, here we go. But until then, here we go. This is hi, Rob and Josh.

Please let me start off saying I absolutely love you. This is weird. Rob a bit more because he's slightly cooler. I mean, that is a real low threshold. Unbelievable. I'm seen as the cooler one,osh i don't think i'm cooler you live in east london you're cool you have like trendy stuff well the problem with east london mate it's as much as it's cool it's a kind of edgy place where someone could steal your bin willy nilly so yeah i mean also if you're cool you don't say willy nilly you don't say willy nilly anyway so she loves both of us so that's that's the main thing here yeah please keep my name anonymous i have tried to

hide this embarrassing moment from anyone for two years now in case the people who heard the moment may actually know me i've only ever told one person due to trauma this is a real confessional from your podcast with michael sheen and stories of trying to use toilets when your children are of a different gender, let me assure you, when they are the same sex, it's still a nightmare. Let me elaborate. My daughter was about three years old. We were having a relatively crack day Christmas shopping.

As you can imagine, with a three-year-old, naturally she needed a toilet while we stood waiting to pay. When else could she need a piss, obviously? It's a bit of resentment, like it's a kid's fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we rushed through and went to the toilets in john lewis um also let me mention i was there to buy a present for the in-laws a yearly treat i'm a poundland kind of girl so it's very out of my depth in the store luckily though the toilets were right next to the tills so we could keep our place in the queue and

didn't have to go far anyway she went to the toilet no drama what are you gonna do aim it from a distance no i think they sort of just left the stuff the queue and didn't have to go far. Anyway, she went to the toilet, no drama. Place the queue? What are you going to do? Aim it from a distance? No, I think they sort of just left the basket and said, oh, I'm just going to take my daughter to the toilet and I'll be back. So that was because, anyway. So anyway, she went to the toilet, no drama. So I thought I'd do the same while there before the long drive home. It was the awful time of the month for a lady.

So there I am trying to distract her while I sort my tampon out. As she turns around and shouts at the top of her lungs, oh my gosh, mummy, why did you pull a dead mouse out of your nunny? Oh my God. Oh my God. I died. Amazon did the rest of my Christmas shop and I didn't leave the house for two months. Don't worry, kids hate all adults, not just dads.

That is, you know, and everyone would have heard that because I feel like I'm better at listening in a queue. I'm always earwigging what people are buying and doing, isn't it? Because there's nothing else going on. I'd written off the shopping. There's no way I'm coming back to that. Oh, God.

Also, you don't need to be anonymous for that. I don't think you've done it. You know, you haven't done anything wrong. And you're not around. You're not around. No, no, no. She actually uses dead mice as. Oh, OK.

Fair enough. Yeah, you do need to be anonymous for that. No, no. She obviously doesn't for legal reasons. Yeah, just to be very clear on that. We don't know that. It was a standard issue. I don't want to get involved in what this lady is doing.

What's the next one, Rob? OK. Here we go. Pom-pom jar of destiny. Oh, yeah, we're doing the pom-pom jar now. Is it going all right? Yeah, great. We've gone too big. Yes, I said that to you.

You sent me a picture of the pom-pom jar. But she doesn't seem to have noticed. Oh, so she's happy with that. We're ploughing on. Okay. We're doing a slide in the summer. That's what it's leading to. That's good.

It's almost like a sort of midpoint Father Christmas threat, isn't it? Exactly. The summer pom-pom jar payoff. Well, well done with that then because ours is a bit more of a weekly thing because my kids are insane like me. Dear Rob and Josh, I just need to tell you, you've absolutely saved my evenings. The pom-pom jar of destiny, the PPJOD, has been revolutionary.

My four-year-old has flat out refused to let anyone put him to sleep for four years. In complete desperation, I thought, fuck it, I'll give it a go. I negotiated a five-pom-pom exchange to let his dad put him to sleep. Oh, my word, that exchange rate is appalling. It's a terrible exchange rate, but it got resolved. Five pom-poms for a sleep? It feels like the Brexit deal.

She's out. She's out of it. She will have to pay dividends later. So it was the first time in four years I was able to have a glass of wine in front of the telly without having to do bedtime. I could cry.

It's been that much of a game changer. Five pom-poms though, mate. He's got you. He knows exactly where he's got you. Five a night, that is, without anything else happening. Five a night? Bloody hell.

Be slide by March. Robbie, this is something else I've got clear up. Robbie, you deserve a knighthood for that tip. Thanks for saving the time, and thanks for an epic podcast, keeping us going through such bleak times. What would Rob Beckett do feature on the show?

First of all, people are giving me shit saying I'm not an expert in child. This is just my tips. But what I need to say is anything with a good hit rate that works is a Louise Beckett ideology. So you didn't come up with the P-P-O-J-D? No, Lou comes up with the P-P-O- a d it was a no lou comes up with a p p o the p p o j p p o j d o o d i don't know anyway p p p p p p j o d hi have you been affected by p p o j o d have you been offered five pom-poms in exchange for

something that wasn't your fault anyway no so i think it needs to be like what would rob rename it maybe what would rob and lou do or what would rob beckett do under the instruction of louise watts it's not as catchy a title but it's only fair that lou gets the respect she deserves because a lot of it is her but i'm glad the pom-pom jar works that's a great do you think amazon are going we're selling a lot of pom-poms and jars in the last week what the hell's going on i think we're influencers now josh you know yeah um you know i don't I think we're influencers now, Josh. You know? Yeah. You know, I don't know what we're advertising

this episode as you listen, but if it's not pom-poms, then the pom-pom industry needs to fucking cough up. Do you reckon it's like there's an industry for pom-poms or just loads of individuals knocking out pom-poms? Yeah, I don't know if there's a pom-pom ombudsman. What's mad is, because when we do like company company awards as comedians they get

a comedian in they do some stand-up and then you give out the awards of best salesperson stuff like that um it's happening on zoom now we used to go to hotels all around the country and what i've realized is there's a jeff bezos of everything there is a pom-pom guy there'll be one person that makes the most pom-poms and is the best at pom-poms and there'll be like sort of imitations but you that's what i've realized there's always someone doing a matt there was a bloke i did a car sales awards this guy sold 564 cars in a year 564 nearly two a day bloody hell exactly so um there is probably a pom-pom guy out there uh i don't know i'm just on the wikipedia page for pom-poms rob yeah and they're pretty

it's pretty slim pickings here actually is it there's no big guy there's no mention of who invented the pom-pom there's a lot of cheerleader stuff that is not going in the jar where does a furry ball start and a pom-pom finish well exactly Rob

just a bit of fun here he is. He's on fire, this guy. This one's from Cheryl Johnson. Hi, Rob and Josh. Just listening to how Rob makes the girls laugh by putting them in the bath with their socks on. If you want another bath time idea.

Oh, yeah, we've done this. Disco bath. We've done disco bath. We've mentioned it before. Glow sticks in the bath. Oh, no, we've got a ball that lights up, and then we turn the – you know, it flashes, and then we turn the lights off and do – we call it rave bath.

We all take E as well, which I think – We're all smashing MDMAs. Yeah. We meet in a field illegally for it as well. Yeah. B&Q car park most nights. Yeah. Glow sticks can take that upper level josh yeah

you can have glow sticks just in the bath bobbing around in the dark yeah that keeps it light um i've got um some of these i've gone i've gone on a deep dive for some of these what do you want i've got school trip macy gray or ibf i'm not made of stone mate okay hi i love the podcast i've been imagine that hi i hate the podcast but i love getting my name read out i hate the podcast but i've got a story about macy gray that the ramses aren't taking so um if you would read it out yeah not a problem our time anyway so love the podcast i've been trying to catch up as i'm late to the party currently on episode 52 i hope you are still doing macy gray stories what What was Macy Gray about?

I can't even remember. She had children very closely. Yeah, that was it. Sorry. We'll always take a Macy Gray story. We'll always take a Macy Gray. A friend of mine told me that he works for a guy who broke up with his girlfriend and within a month started seeing someone.

He soon found out his ex-girlfriend was pregnant. And then not long after he started seeing this new girl, he had a one-night stand cheating on the new girlfriend and got the one-night stand pregnant what all the while also impregnating the current girlfriend no so ended up having three children by three different women all born within five months of each other oh my fucking god okay so presumably dumped by the new girl as well. I mean, we haven't got that. We haven't got that.

So what we have here is, though, she says, the Otto here, says, a tale I called bullshit on immediately when my friend told me this. Surely no one is that stupid. But the person telling me, we've got an insider. It's like Watergate. We've got evidence. It's one of them web sleuths, right? So the person telling the story does the payroll at the company and knows his child

maintenance situation oh my god no that is unbelievable oh my god oh my god imagine that bloke looking at his payslip that month after the third was born obviously this is not a comparable situation but i looked at my payslip that month after the third was born. Obviously, this is not a comparable situation, but I looked at my payslip last month. They do like repeats of last leg or something somewhere. Yeah. I got 13p for these repeats of last leg. Did you have a shit one, did you, in the episode?

Is it based on jokes for a minute? 13p yeah and imagine how many people have processed that for it to get to me what country did you get the 13p what i don't know it just said like last leg remuneration series 12 or something and it was like 13p and i just thought fuck me the amount of people that have dealt with the fact that I'm getting this 13p, and I'm going to have to pay fucking tax on it. And also your agent needs 20%. Yeah, exactly. My agent, Channel 4,

the people who sent the money to Channel 4, just, and then it comes to me, and then I've got to pay HMRC, which I totally understand. Oh, no, you're not ruling out. You're not angry about the amount of tax you've got to pay. I'm not angry about losing that 4p.

I'm not angry. You understand it's for the greater good, but it's just more the admin of it. The dustpills have got to be built. Kids can't go to school if I don't pay my tax. Oh, God. I think I probably ate 13p's worth of glue at school by accident, just being on my fingers.

Talking of school, Josh, I've got an excellent school trip experience. I've got a couple. Let's do two school trip ones to finish, okay? Yeah. Okay, I think our school trip, this is from Samantha. I think our school trip... Pop the Grange Hill theme tune behind it, Michael. Let's have a bit of production on this.

All right, I've got three school stories. Let's do it. Let's get the production on it. Okay. So talking of school trips, circa 1986, the school trip was to a local farm okay um we thought oh this would be great and we'll learn about being farmers and you know see the animals and stuff anyway it was it was to a local farm to watch lambs having small elastic bands applied to their tails and genitals so they would eventually drop off. Oh, my God.

This has to be up there with not only the worst school trip, but also the most mentally scarring. What science teacher ever thought it was going to be either educational or deemed a nice day out of the classroom? That is absolute madness. Are they insane? Are you sure they didn't just turn up on a day and then it happened to be that day?

Surely, whacking an elastic band on a lamb's knob could be done the next day. I don't think it has to be done on a day and then it happened to be that day surely whacking elastic band on a lamb's knob could be done the next day sure i don't i don't mean i don't think it has to be done on a survey that's like that is not the knob rob it's the balls the lamb's balls not the knobs i don't i don't think it can be specific that it's not like laying resin on your drive where it needs to be the right temperature wow i mean that that is a horrible... Normally on those school trips, you get a go, don't you? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. This one's good.

This one is from Paris Di Matteo. Oh, wow. Di Matteo, Di Matteo. Anyway, I literally love the podcast. Only found it last week, so I've desperately been binge listening since then. You had an episode where you mentioned the most ridiculous things a child has made you do. This is a story about a ridiculous thing I did for my nephew.

A couple of years ago, I was looking after my nephew for the night and take him to school the next day. My nephew told me that he likes his grapes in his lunchbox at school and that his mum pills them for him because he doesn't like the skin. Oh, holy crap. I thought this is a bit extreme, but it's for one night. I'll do it just so he goes to bed happy. So there I am spending an hour peeling 10 grapes. I mean, I think you must have got the numbers wrong there because that is...

Six minutes a grape? I mean, how big are these grapes? So spending an hour peeling grapes for my five-year-old, only for my sister to tell me the next day that she has never peeled a grape for him in his life. Amazing. What a legend.

That is great. That is excellent trolling from a nephew to an aunt. How old was he? Five? Five. I think they would have done that on purpose. My five-year-old's getting like that. She keeps nicking her iPad and taking it into bed with her.

So we go, right, go into bed. And then the other night I went up there about midnight to go to bed, and I saw that she sneaked her iPadad into her room oh wow cheeky yeah she hasn't got a bin on her has she right last one josh before we wrap up another school trip one this is from r underscore roofie 14 hi as a, my worst school trip experience was to Hunstanton a couple of years ago. Our coach driver took the wrong turn onto the A14, so we ended up going the wrong way. There were some wide glances exchanged between staff, but we assumed that the driver knew what he was doing. 45 minutes later, we realised that we were in fact driving in a huge loop,

a huge loop, which had brought us right back to the school where we had started our journey. At this point, the children started to notice and shout to us, haven't we already driven through here? Started coming from the back of the bus. The head teacher, this is sad, but so funny. The head teacher then asked the coach driver if he did in fact know the way to the

seaside, at which point the driver burst into tears. What? He continued to cry until Peter Preservicis another teacher bought him a coffee and calmed him down. Having left school at 9am, we arrived in Hunstanton mid-afternoon

and just about had time for some chips before getting back on the bus and heading out. Poor Sod. He's had a howl at the bloke and he's gone the wrong way. He's too scared to say anything and he's broken down. I mean, bless him. I've been there before. I've got lost.

This was probably before SatNavs. Oh, bless him. How was been there before I've got lost. This was probably before Sat Navs. He's at... Oh, bless him. How was the bus trip? We had a breakdown. Not in the way you'd expect. Yeah, emotional. Emotional rather than puncture.

Poor sod. Oh, my word. But I still don't think... Maybe I... Maybe something else is going on. Yeah, it's got to be something going on at home, hasn't there? I mean, if there isn't, good luck when something is. Poor sod.

Well, I got lost in Croydon once and cried and punched my steering wheel and called myself all the swear words. I got trapped on a ring road. I get angry rather than sad in those situations, though. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, angry must never. I'm crying and angry, which I think is the worst combo, isn't it? Yeah, I'd love to pull up alongside someone I'm crying and angry, which I think is the worst combo, isn't it? Yeah, I'd love to pull up alongside

someone who's crying and angry. I've really enjoyed this, Josh. It's been nice to catch up. Yeah, it's been an absolute pleasure, hasn't it? Nice. Feels like it's been ages. Yeah, it does feel like that. And we've got Jamelia on Friday.

Great episode. She's a big fan of the podcast, which was nice to have someone on that's been listening and enjoying it. So it was a great one. It was a brilliant one. I'm really excited for people to hear it. She was great.

And she was, you know, really open and really funny. And also, it's great when you talk to someone who's, like, talking about other episodes. And you're like, bloody hell, you know more about this than I do, man. Yeah, and also her set-up's great as well. She's got, like, a young baby, like a two-, three-year-old. She's got a stepchild and she's got two, like, teenage daughters. So she claims to have had the worst,

the worst top trump, the hardest top trump of parenting in lockdown. Yes. Which I think, I think, do you know what? Give it a listen and I think I'll make a right. That is a tough combo. Yeah. Do you know what? Ellis James needs to buck his bloody ideas up.

Exactly. Wicked, right then, Josh. I'll see you on Friday. See you then, mate. Bye. Bye.