Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP12: Chris McCausland

Episode Date: August 20, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP12: Chris McCausland Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant stand-up comedian and actor (Rudi in the CBeebies show Me Too! ) - Chris McCausland. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, and you are listening to Parenting Hell with... Zofia, can you say Josh Whitcomb? Josh Whitcomb. And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Oh. That was cute.

There we go, there we go. There's, I think maybe maybe there's a second one. I don't know whether this is a different file. Should we try it? Give it a bash. Zafir. It's the same one. They've said the same one twice.

The French way. The French way. So that is Zafir and her dad Marcin from Corby. You can't have that accent in Corby. You ever been to Corby? I've been to Corby, Rob. Jesus Christ. It's a tough old gig.

It's all Glaswegians. It's all Glaswegians. Full of Scots. Full of Scots. Those are Scottish people who moved down there to work in the mines and the mines shut. Yeah. Here's a little tip. It's quite a niche tip.

If you're ever struggling on stage in Corby, just rip the shit out of Kettering. They hate Kettering. You could do an hour of Kettering. They hate Kettering. You could do an hour on Kettering. They'd love it. They'd lap it up. Yeah. A-Cast would have a bad gig in Corby. Oh, yeah.

Not just because he's from Kettering. I'm not going to lie to you. I love the podcast. It helped me through the night shifts during lockdown with a smile on my face. Here's a recording of my three-and-a-half-year-old. Today, she filled her pom-pom jar for the first time. Woo-hoo! It took a while. 53 pom-pom jar for the first time.

It took a while. 53 pom-poms in 10 weeks. Jesus! 10 weeks! That's a hard task, Master. God, 10 weeks. That's commitment.

So what's she getting? Huge thank you to Rob for inventing it. It's my only weapon against her. Keep up the good work. Love you guys. All the best.

Marcin and Zafir from Corby. I would say I cannot take credit for that. Lou invented it in our house. I imagine other people used a pom-pom jar. I would say I cannot take credit for that. Lou invented it in our house. I imagine other people use the pom-pom jar. I don't think she invented it,

but Lou brought it to me and then I'm just a messenger. You're just spreading the word. Lou's a parent in legend and I'm only half good because I listen to her. Basically, that's how it works. You promised us a voice memo from Lou Robb.

I'm still trying to get her. I'm going to try and see if she'll let me play it. Well, let's do it. And then we can always move it. This cat, big grey cat, the kid's called Fluffter, very friendly, comes up, Lou started feeding it, giving it dreams. Well, your own worst enemy there. Thank you.

That's what I said. They stroke Fluffter. They like Fluffter. Fluffter started coming in the house, eating Alan's food, our other cat. Well, our actual cat. So I've been going, no,

and shooing it out, right? Get out, get out, get out. And then he's been beating up Alan outside. Right? The other day,

very embarrassing. I needed my hair cut. My normal guy couldn't do it. And then my brother couldn't do it because he's, it was up in town because he works in a barber's now. So I got this new guy to do it and never met him before a little bit slightly awkward with a hairdresser and it came to me because i was really busy with work and lego land he comes in my front room giant lump of cat shit in the corner of the room oh my god i pick it up i'm sorry there's cat shit and the house is a mess you've come it's really bad right yeah

anyway sit down for the haircut after 10 minutes see another pile of cat shit oh my house is a mess. It's really bad, right? Yeah. Anyway, sit down for the haircut. After 10 minutes, see another pile of cat shit. Oh my God. So now we think Alan's got something wrong with him. He's never done this at all. He's got a cat flap. He can go out. We've always got the back door open as well. Is it because he's nervous? No, it's not because he's nervous, okay? Right? This is what we thought happened. Anyway, so I'm like,

oh God, poor Alan. And then we completely clear out the room, tidy it up. We can't find anymore. There's two big lumps of capture, right? And this is what I get this. I'm on Radio 2 at this point. And Lou sends me a message. And I open it up. And I'm on loud.

And this nearly gets played out on Radio 2. But I sort of stop it just before it does because I didn't know it was a voice message. But Lou sends me this. After that door's shut, cat flap's locked. I've got the upstairs windows open to get some air in. She climbed in through our fucking window and I was trapped in the house.

I think she's gone back out the window because I can't find her in the house, but I can't get the back door open in time. Like, you cheeky ****. Like, get out of my house. I might have to put, like, I don't know what the owners would do about it, but, like, put a picture of her on our road group and be like, whose cat is this? Because it's terrorising my house.

What's the road group? Stupid little cat. I think she'd definitely shout in the living room. I think it's her. It's not Alan. He doesn't do that. Oh, there's a lot to pick out of that, Rob. I know.

I know. I know. First of all, are we going to bleep the C-bomb? Well, I think it added a slight texture to it. I've never heard Lou say that word. Has she put it on the road group, Rob? Well, not that voice message. Not that word. I've never heard to say that,

right? But Lou is very house proud. And if there's two lumps of cat shit in your house, and strangers seen it. Alan doesn't do that, Rob. Alan doesn't do that. So what's been happening is the cat has been climbing in through the window,

and then not been able to get out in time to go to the toilet until we come back. So it's been doing shits in our front room. Yeah. You can get through the window, but not back out again because it slips down the anyway you've got to blame the person that fed it in the first place rob lose fault anyway in lose defense she's very angry then but i think she'd found another pile of poo yeah and that day right that day i was out working all day that was when i did the radio and i did this tv thing i was out from seven in the morning to like midnight

yeah the kids were playing and Lou wanted to sort the house out because we'd been in and out, back and forth, and the house was a mess. Guess what? She was in, she never left the house. She was indoors,

tidying up. Guess how many steps she did? What do you mean? So she never left the house? She never left the house. She didn't go for a walk, never went anywhere. There was indoors all day.

The kids were playing all day, having a lazy day. And Lou sorted the house out. She did all the, like all the washing, moving stuff, just did a proper, like almost spring clean of the house guess how many steps she did how many 14,000 14,000 in her own house and and and our house it's not like we live on a 10,000

meant to aim for isn't it yeah 10,000 is what you aim for when you're like commuting and walking around going to shops 14,000 in her own house and we've got and, and she didn't go up in, she wasn't in the garden. She was just in there. And the house is, it's a fair size. It's a four bedroom family house. So it's a fair size house, but it's not like one of these footballer mansions houses where you're

walking down a big entrance hall. It's just a normal house. No, exactly. It's not an airport. It's not, you've not got those travelators to cut down on steps. That is insane.

I know. It's true. I think she was quite stressed, but she's let me play that. But she does say the C word. Yeah, but let's be honest, Rob. This was during Radio 2. She was barely 3,000 steps in by that point.

Imagine what the mood was like by the evening. I know. But yeah, so then I saw her when she came home. She'd calmed down. She had a glass of red wine. But yeah, this cat is ruining our life. So I'm going to have to sort it out. I've got two questions go on did lou follow through on putting a picture of it on the on the

road group i don't know i'll go and i'll ask her now and second question what kind of traffic no pun intended is the road group doing what what kind of whatsapp group is that it's a lockdown set up one that now very rarely gets used. And I'm not. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. On the group. Yeah.

But we can, we can, we can bleep the C word. I've never heard her say that. It's really a very out of character for her, but she, she, she had it out to here.

And has the cat been back since? Well, it tried to come in last night and I chased it. She, she tried to come in the house and say, go away. But if you say go away, I'll clap.

She will just walk past you. So I've just picked up. Have you thought about setting booby traps like home alone? Cause that does feel like the only way you're going to stop this. I've just, I've been putting grease on door handles anyway for a laugh just for me. But yeah, I'm potentially going to sort of set up some sort of trap.

No, I've just been sort of like banging like a pot in a pan just to scare it off a little bit, just so it's not, knows it's not welcome and go back to its home that's okay i'm not gonna get cat lovers giving me grief am i i don't think so sitting in my house josh i don't think you need to offer an open house to all neighborhood cats i was quite happy with it coming and sitting on the doorstep and we feeding it and we sit in the garden but this is there you go it's very it's very difficult you give a cat an inch, they'll take a mile, Rob.

Everyone knows that. That's what everyone says about cats, isn't it? Have you learned your lesson about feeding cats, Rob? I've never fed a fucking cat. She feeds a cat. With the kids, I've never fucking... I don't even like our cat.

I don't want another cat, Josh. Sick of it. Is it a stray? We had a stray. It's a fattish stray. I tell you what, if a stray shits like that, I wouldn't want to see it fed. We had a stray. It's a fattish stray. I tell you what, if a stray shits like that, I wouldn't want to see it fed.

We had a stray and I took it to the vet. Yeah. Because it was in our garden for about two months, right? Yeah. We'd started feeding it, Rob. Of course you had. And I thought I should just take it to, because I don't think it's got a home,

because it's there when we get up in the morning and it's there, you know. Yeah. Took it to the vet to see whether it was chipped. Was it's there when we get up in the morning and it's there, you know. Took it to the vet to see whether it was chipped. Was it chipped? It was chipped and they said, we're going to keep it and give it to the person. Yeah. And then they said, do you want to come in and

say goodbye? No. No. I don't want to stand in front of a vet and have an emotional scene with a cat. You should. You should have gone in and said, yeah, I do. And turned up and then looked it in the eye and said goodbye. And then just kissed it on the lips. Just to see what the vet would do.

Have we got some Instagrams? We have. We've got a load of Instagram messages here okay so um you know i had a terrible time with the basketball hoop a pepper pig world yeah because it was oval apparently allegedly yeah an oval which is harder to get in anyway so this is what they've got this one here hi guys just finished listening to the podcast i have some information that make rob feel a little better regarding the teddy basketball shoot fail basically i spent 15 quid and missed every one and my kid cried merry christmas this is a way to break the system without playing if you enter the theme parks early head to the stands first thing and simply ask how much to buy

usually this will cost you 20 25 quid but storeholders use this as a free marketing for the stand so so you go in early and buy it for 20 or 25 quid and walk around with it and people go, oh, it must be easy to win. Oh, wow. Just think of all those times you see mainly tired parents walking around theme parks clutching their winnings. I hate to break it to you, Rob, but most of them are a liar. Oh, no. I hope this makes you feel a little better

because it makes it look like it's easy to win. Oh, you fuckers. Unbelievable. Love the show. Thanks for keeping me sane while battling daily with a seven-year-old son with additional needs and a 15-month-old lockdown bubba keep up the good work thanks for the tip you made me feel a lot better well that is a great tip i wouldn't buy it though because what were you trying to win again a giant teddy is quite a teddy it's so massive you don't

want that the whole day it's so it's too big josh what would you do with it do you know what i mean to be fair mate wandering around a theme park with it, you do feel powerful. Yeah. There were alpha men walking around that. Yeah, I can see it. It's like having a Rolex on. Just like, yeah, mate, I've done it.

If you could get a giant teddy wearing a... What you want is a giant teddy wearing a Rolex, Rob. Yeah, that's the next step. The Rolex that you got out of one of those machines where you have to turn the claw down. I'm thinking about buying a fake Rolex. Are you? Because people might assume it's real because i'm on the telly and then you don't have to spend a load of money on it do it i don't think i'm gonna buy anything designer ever again i'm just i might just go to turkey what do you need again rob i don't i don't relate

you as a man who's covered in designer labels no i'm not really a designer guy what designer clothes are i still count like reese's designer but that's not really designer labels. No, I'm not really a designer guy. What designer clothes have I... I still count, like, Reese's designer, but that's not really designer. It's sort of high-end high street, isn't it? What designer stuff have I got? Next. Next.

No. What have I bought? What have I bought? I bought some Yeezys. Oh, did you? They're a bit pricey. They're like a couple of hundred quid. Yeah.

I look mental in them. No, really. Lou sometimes will at christmas i'll treat it to a designer bag or something like that but the problem is then i just get like and she wanted a pair of flashy trainers for christmas like balenciagas right i'll buy them for yeah i buy them for her i'm not a big balenciaga trainer fan i don't think they i just look mental mental, I think, but Lula. Anyway, now, because I bought them, now I get weird messages of like,

because I've got my details from Balenciaga emails, got a new drop of new trainers. I'm like, I literally bought a pair once for my wife. I am never going to buy them ever. I know more about the new Mulberry bags than anyone else in the country. The mailing list that you're still signed up to after one purchase is so annoying. I went to watch Nottingham Forest and I had to join some kind of Nottingham Forest mailing list.

I don't give a flying fuck about Nottingham Forest. I was just on tour in Nottingham and I had a day to kill. And every week I'm getting an email about tickets to Nottingham Forest games. But I never press unsubscribe. It's such an easy fix. No, I just need to unsubscribe. But when is that going to be my priority? I got offered a Burnley season ticket yesterday. Yeah.

I live in London. I don't like Burnley. I'm not going to buy it. Did I unsubscribe? No, I'm still getting it. Yeah, of course. It's like the thing that is currently in the top corner of my computer saying, do you want to do updates?

Remind me tomorrow. I am never fucking doing those updates, mate. If you did, you might be able to download the voice notes a bit quicker. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'm my own worst enemy. But there is never a point where I sit down to work and I think, I should do those updates. Yeah, I'm never at my computer killing time.

No. I'm never like, oh, I've not got much to do, actually. I might do an update. Yeah, to-do list. Tidy house, update computer. Absolutely never done it in my life. It's such an easy thing to do as well. It's so easy.

Just press it and leave it. But it's like we're going to have to turn the computer off and back on. You're like, I'm out. I prefer a slow computer forever, please. I'm getting involved in that witchcraft. Yeah. Well, maybe that's a good one. Any random mailing list you're still signed up to let

us know because i've got this penis extension one and i've already had it done how long do you want my dick to be you can't put extension extension exactly you don't want to do the full six inches do you oh it's a lot of fun this four and a half is enough dick i've always said it exactly exactly now oh we've got another one here oh hi rob and, Rob and Josh. This is from Katie Louise Haley. I don't know if that's a name or three people with one Instagram account. Katie Louise Haley there. I've just listened to your episode with Babatunde, and it reminded me of a strange way I used to comfort my son.

This was a Babatunde son likes to put his hand under his armpit. Yeah, of course. As a baby, he was a terrible sleeper and we struggled to settle him. For a few months, the only thing that worked was laying beside him and letting him scratch my teeth until he fell asleep. I'm pleased to say he's now two and has totally grown out of it. P.S. Love your podcast. Thanks for the laughs.

Katie Lewis Hayley with the teeth scratch. That is a weird one. That's really weird. Also as well, because I've got big teeth, but it still feels like there's not enough space for a scratch. No. That is an weird one. That's really weird. Also as well, because I've got big teeth, but it still feels like there's not enough space for a scratch. No. That is an odd one, isn't it? That's a jaw-raker thing, that one. Oh, the last thing you need when you can't get to sleep

and your baby's scratched. Imagine having to gurn with your teeth out trying to get your kid to sleep. Oh, God, he's almost there. I do want to have a drink, but I can't because he's scratched my teeth. We've got another tooth-related story, Jon. Yeah.

Hi, guys. This is from David Belfast. Hi guys, I have a tooth related story. My mum who's 73 was having chest infections for quite a long time and eventually got a scan done. They found a small black shadow and were feared the worst. Yeah. On a closer inspection, they decided on surgery to check it. They opened her up through the ribs, opening her lung to find a tooth lying inside oh my god

they said it had been there for when she was around nine no it must have fallen out when she stepped and went into her lung oh my god surgery she kept the tooth happy to send you a picture of this small black monstrosity no no thank you oh god that's the kind of thing that is the great anecdote your first time you hear it and when she tells everyone but when you're going around with your mom and she tells the tooth story and you're like oh god here we go mom but you know that is brutal a tooth in your lung do you get this is really random you people listen to the podcast sometimes say things back to you like you know sometimes people quote things from your stand-up or a thing you've said on telly but because it

you know we i don't really think about what i'm saying on here it's just a conversation i sort of forget i've said it some bloke come up to me in the street and went lime eye and i went what you're talking about went lime eye but no nothing else just lime eye pointed at me lime eye what are you talking about went lime eye and they went the podcast lime i went oh yeah the bloke who put lime in it but i i thought it was like an out-of-body experience just lime eye it's so weird stuff like that what we haven't really tried to do but have ended up is people know so much about our lives now i know it's so weird but they come in with like half a conversation like how was that you know pardon they'll go drag and ride backwards.

What? Oh yeah. Yep. Also, because people listen to podcasts like out of sync. Yeah. So people will reference something that you did a year ago. Like you go,

oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or like, they'll say like my daughter will, but they'll go, oh,

she potty trained now. Is she? I was like, yes, that was like a year ago. She's not just shitting on the floor. Right. Should we do one more? One more. One one more and then we'll um get christmas

causeland on okay hi guys i've listened to all your podcasts now they've saved my sanity through lockdown i'm a granny of two mum to three i thought you might like a hint to extend the pom-pom jar i let my angels pick something they really want within reason my oldest boy love brio for instance so a larger brio thing e.g an engine shed get either a picture or write words out then cut them into six or eight depending on the price and then every five to ten pom-poms they would get a piece of the picture when they earn all the money i would buy it for them sounds complicated but really focused their behavior yes so they can visually see it. That's good.

That's it. Oh my God. We are pimping up the, the, the pump jar. It's a pump, pump jar pimping. Yeah.

That's beautiful. It's like a jigsaw. It's like you're doing a jigsaw. Basically Kathy is saying, pimp your pump, pump jar. Yeah. You basically created a sticker album there.

That's what you've done. Yeah. So basically if you've got, say your kid wanted like a trampoline is quite a big thing, maybe it was a new a new playmobil set you take a photo of the playmobil set cut it up into sections and for every whatever you work out a system they get a piece of that picture and can put it on the wall behind the pom-pom jar or on the pom-pom jar i love it kathy love it great tip great tips today guys and right ch, Chris McCausland, Josh. Absolutely brilliant. I'm obsessed with this guy, Chris McCausland.

Brilliant comedian, lovely guy. And dad, ideal for this. Yeah, perfect. Really funny bloke. Really enjoyed the interview. Top fella as well, Chris McCausland. He's on tour. Go and see it.

He's brilliant at stand-up. Enjoy it, Mr. Chris McCausland. Hello, Chris McCausland, and welcome to the podcast. How are you doing? I'm good, mate. Plodding along. Plodding along. Thank you for doing it, Chris.

Nice one for asking us. I mean, you know, what episode was this going to be, mate? It's taken you a while, hasn't it, to ask? Oh, no, don't give me that shit, Chris. I've texted you loads of times. You keep fobbing me off. Don't make me read the messages. Who did you have on the other day whose kid was two weeks old?

Who was it? McCaffrey. McCaffrey. Seven, mate. Seven. No, look, don't you dare. Don't you dare do this. Here we go.

Look, I'm going back. This was ages ago. 26 for February. You asked me if I had a microphone. Thanks so much for coming on then, eventually. Can you explain to the listeners your setup, children-wise? This is where we find out you don't have any kids. I've got one daughter.

She's seven. She's at school right now, thank God. And that's it, mate. Do you know, sometimes you quite often hear of it when people have a second kid and the second child isn't as easy as a baby as the first one welcome to my world mate welcome to my world living it now yeah well they say literally living that experience as we speak yeah i do know what that's like actually mate thanks chris i'm sure you've said this just you've said you know chris this was my fucking break from that.

And now you've brought... Well, I'm sure you've said, if it had been the first one, I don't think we would have done it again. I'm sure that's come out of your mouth. Well, for us, it was the first one. Really? Oh, why was it so tough then with the first one? What was it, not sleeping?

Just, just, honestly, it was like living in Guantanamo Bay for a year, mate. It was horrific. I mean, she's a joy now. I mean, she's getting to the age when, you know, in not too long, she might be able to browse podcast libraries and find this. So she's a joy, mate. She's a joy mate but no as a as a baby she literally didn't sleep until i think it was two or three days before her first birthday and when i say didn't sleep i meant it was just horrific every night for a year

what did you do asking for a friend i found myself taking well i found myself taking gigs that just weren't financially viable i i found myself basing my uh my stand-up diary on what had a hotel so what was your wife working full-time or was she off on a year's maternity leave how was how was you splitting up the duties she had like 10 months off um and then as we got up to the um so my daughter was born the very beginning of september she was on that cusp you know do you know where you kind of um she was due at the end of august and if they're born at that time like the long-term kind of prospects are that they, they struggle in school a little bit more. You're right. You're a write off,

write those kids off. Absolutely mate. So we were like, oh, well, I hope she, I hope she kind of stays in that state, like hangs on till September just to give her a fighting chance in life.

And then, and so she held on to the 3rd of September. And then obviously when you get four years into the whole thing, you find yourself thinking, I've got a whole nother year of childcare to pay for. Why couldn't you just come out when you're meant to? So she was born at the beginning of September. And then my wife went back to work.

I don't know when, maybe beginning of August. So maybe she had 11, 10 and a half, 11 months off. So we found ourselves doing this. My wife found this sleep trainer. Now, I guess I'm like you a little bit, Rob, you know. Where are you from? You're from Essex, aren't you?

South Eastland. It's basically the same. Ah, there you go. I'm from Liverpool, mate. I reckon we're kind of the same level of riffraff, right? Yeah. Excuse me, how dare you not? I'm salt of the earth, mate. He just spat out his

oat milk tea. Devon and then East London. Josh, I don't think I could put anyone that probably had proper fresh clotted cream on a donut before they were ten in the same bracket as myself. A donut.

A donut. He's so scarce. He can't even bring himself to say scone. Scone, mate. Scone. Scone. Fucking scone. So she found a sleep trainer.

What a load of bollocks, mate. I was so set up for this. What a load of shite. I'm not paying money. I thought this woman was going to have to come and stay in the house and train the – I was like, how do you teach a kid how to – it's like having a horse whisperer or something, isn't it? I was furious, right?

And then my wife goes, no, she doesn't do it. She doesn't come around. She does it over Skype. So I was like, okay, so I don't have to have her in the house. And that was making it cheaper, wasn't it, right? So it was like 400 quid for this woman to do these regular skype things and she told like she said the baby doesn't know how to lie down how to put themselves to sleep so when they wake up they call for you to do it for them i was like well it makes sense but like i

can't see how you teach a baby to do that it's a baby it's basically just like an ornament that needs feeding isn't it and um i mean they're not you know what i mean you don't interact with them much beyond just keeping them alive um anyway so we went through this whole thing with this uh with this with this woman and teaching this um trying to teach this baby how to put itself to sleep. And it fucking worked, mate. Did it? I was both so happy and also furious that I had to acknowledge that this load of woo might have... What was your plan? You were just going to see it out? Well, maybe we'd last it a year.

You prefer 400 quid to sleeping at night. That is an astonishing decision. No, no, no. I just didn't think it would work, mate. I mean, if you just said to me, 400 quid and your baby will sleep, I'd have gone, I'll pay you 1,000. It doesn't, you know what I mean?

But to say, oh, there's going to be some woman on Skype who's going to teach your baby how to sleep and all she wants is 400 quid. Piss off. I'm not giving a crazy old woman 400 quid to talk to the baby over Skype. And how quickly did it sort it? Oh, mate, it took like a few weeks of just, you start off doing these little things

and then slowly you have to work your way further away from the cot. It got to the point where like you're kind of sat in the doorway to the bedroom. I know people have done that thing where the chairs further and further and it works, doesn't it? It does work. I mean, there was one I remember one night I was lying half in the bedroom, half out. So my head was just inside shouting, there, there, go to sleep. shouting there there go to sleep um and it and it and it worked and i was kind of like because you know the game plan when you get to that length in doesn't really become about how how are we legitimately gonna get this baby to start sleeping the priority is we we need to not kill each other that's you know what i mean because you're losing your patience and your

temper with each other all the time because you're just sleep deprived. And because I work away as well, as you guys know, you're going away to work, but every time you leave or every time you come back, she acts like you've just been on holiday. Straight away, you get handed the baby. Well, you've been away for three nights sleep it's your turn now i've been working i know it's a problem isn't it we all know that our work is

20 minutes a night do you know what i mean or an hour a night it's very difficult to say you've been working it is we can't help what it is mate we can't help that this is the only kind of skill that we've developed over an entire lifetime. I do remember saying to Lou once, would you prefer it if I hated my job? Is it annoying to you that I enjoy it? I often think if I was an accountant, it'd be much easier for me to go upstairs now.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Because I'd be able to properly sell it. Like, oh oh i'm so annoyed that i've got to go up and do these bloody spreadsheets yeah but instead i'm like yeah i'm just going upstairs and i'm going to uh loosely talk about parenting for 45 minutes to a couple of comedians well you are learning though because you need your you need your your baby to sleep so what were there any major tips you can share with the audience chris from from the sleep trainer when they get to the

point where they can sit up yeah in they they get to a point where they can sit up but they're unable to lie themselves back down right i remember this i mean we're going back seven years when it's on his back yeah so you have to kind of go and put them back into bed and every time they want you to do that. But the trick is to teach them to lie down themselves. And it involves a lot of patting on the mattress to encourage them to lie themselves down. I'm going to say it, Chris. Has she said she's refusing for you to give the secrets out?

Because if she has, that's fine. Because the way you're doing this, I'm going straight to give her 400 quid. there's no way i'm going downstairs to my wife and go don't worry got this sorted have you thought about patting the mattress do you know what though there was no i remember one um one more one like about three in the morning and then she woke herself up and i had to wake up and start crying. And I just kind of gave it a couple of minutes. And I had this kind of flop as she flung herself. It was the most joyous noise I've ever heard.

It was just the flop of a baby. Kind of, you know, just putting themselves back to sleep. I don't think there's any more joyous noise I've ever heard, except for the sound of your own child falling out of bed you can't beat that I think that's the funniest noise that's ever been it's brilliant isn't it

it's like every different part of their body hits the floor at a slightly different time it's like they land on the floor five times they don't even wake up because it's a low bed and like we've got carpet and there's always normally teddies or stuff on the floor i've sort of stopped tidying up now i think i'll out break their fall they'll just roll out yeah yeah yeah um but no it worked mate but it

was her for the first year so we were traumatized oh blimey and but she's she's she like a well behaved kid now or she's still difficult Was it just a sleeping at the beginning? She's defiant, mate. It's weird because, I mean, how old are your kids? Five and three. Right. And Josh? Three and zero.

Right. So, Josh, I don't know if you're there at the minute, but you kind of get to this point when they're about three where they start exhibiting all of the kind of behaviours that you would normally have associated with what you thought a teenager was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, how are you acting like this now? And you kind of think, well, surely they'll just grow out of it.

And they kind of grow out of the tantrums, where they get themselves too tired and you have to try and placate them. And they grow out of it. And they kind of grow out of the tantrums, you know, where they get themselves too tired and, you know, you have to try and placate them. And they grow out of that. But the kind of defiance kind of stays. They just become more articulate with it and more able to kind of verbalize their opposition. What are you like as a dad?

Are you, are you, are you the good guy? You're the bad guy. Are you, are you stern? I'm quite laid back, mate.

I try and be the good guy. And I, do you know what? I think I've just added kind of, I think partly I'm quite laid back anyway, but also my wife's a psychologist. And I think I just went through this really long period of just, I got sick of being told after I was telling the kid off wrong,

you know? Right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. You know, when you, when you,

you, you kind of, you know, well, you know, if you don't eat your dinner, you can't watch the telly and you should go, well,

actually, according to the evidence that, that, that threat doesn't really work with children because there's no direct cause and effect between the act of eating and the act of... I was like, can I just not tell her she can't watch the telly? I mean, can I just not?

It's a nightmare, just everything you say, they know best. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because, obviously, she's read this shit she's read papers and books she's got big fat books that you know

that like you know it'd be like if every time my wife made a joke I said well actually I think you'll find that your punchline's

quite ambiguous and it isn't really directly related to the setup which I'm sure you do at some point so yeah I think quite a long period of erm I just got a long period of,

I just got a little bit sick of maybe, I just had it drilled out of me. You know, I wasn't being academically accurate in my parenting. So I've just become quite lethargic over it, I think, mate. You just let her take the lead. Yeah, and I think I'm the good cop now.

So when your daughter was like a baby, how hands-on could you be? Because for the listeners that don't know, you're blind. So how much could you do or not do with the baby? There's always been loads I haven't been able to do. I mean, as you know, the baby shits its pants, and it can get anywhere. Can't I, you know,

I mean, I changed the nappy and it was, it was like a fucking neck, you know? I mean, so like you can do, you can do a lot of things, but, but most of it's kind of guesswork.

Uh, sometimes you can make more of a mess than there was in the first place. You know, you can end up just spreading it around more. Oh, God. Didn't she used to hide from you as well? Was that a game she used to play? I swear you used to mention it on stage. Do you know what?

There was a thing when she got to that point where she was mobile but not vocal, where they kind of shuffle around on their ass and crawl around. You know, I'd be, like, washing the dishes or something, and she'd be somewhere. And she seemed to go through a period where she had this one noise, and it was the noise of a baby choking to death on something. So she'd, like, be in the room. Oh, God.

She'd be in the room, and she'd just go, like, like that and I'd like quickly drop what I was doing leg it over to where the noise had come from by the time I got there

she'd fucked off somewhere and I and I was I was on my hands and knees looking for this possibly choking baby who was now sat over the other side

of the room just watching me on my bloody hands and knees swiping around the floor going what the room, just watching me on my bloody hands and knees on the floor. What the hell is he doing? So, yeah, it was,

it was very hit and miss, you know, it was, it was, I mean, I remember when she was, when she was, she must've been about that same age and,

and I broke my foot and I had my foot in a cast. I know. I felt so sorry for her. It never rains, but it pours for you, does it, Chris? Hey. You did a bit of rubbing the green, didn't you? I needed a little bit of extra benefit money, you know, so I... Absolutely weighed in.

But no, I mean, she... Because, you know, she's already a baby crawling around on the floor with a bloke who can't see where he's going, but all of a sudden he has this big bloody pendulum on the bottom of one leg now that he's swinging around the living room. So it's always been very hit and miss, mate. It's always been making the best and blundering me way through, you know, blundering me way through shit.

But we're all still here. That's what parenting is, isn't it? Trying your best. Yeah. It's carnage. Absolutely. And how was lockdown?

Did you do the homeschooling and stuff like that? Yeah, mate. Well, that's the end of that one then. Any other questions, Rob?

Was it carnage? It was, yeah, yeah, it was. So you was probably doing the most of it while your wife was still working i was mate and it's so it's so frustrating i mean i don't want to go on about being blind but it is you know it's a pain in the ass it is a pain in the ass you know i try and make out that like you know i'm i'm doing quite well for me like for a blind fella but you know it's a fucking asshole mate you can only be so put so much of a positive spin on it can't you but there's like so there's there's you know kids get frustrated my daughter is um you know she's good with it. She's known nothing else, so she's good with it. But she still gets frustrated.

So, like, for example, to put it into, like, a context, when she was younger, right, she'd watch the telly, right? So she'd start off with the iPad. She was really good on the iPad. Kids can swipe an iPad before they can talk properly, right? So she could open Netflix and she could pick like Peppa Pig. And, you know, I'm a bit of a geek as well. She's a genius.

She's a genius. Brilliant. I've got the Apple TV, right, which is like the little box plugs into the telly, gives you the same interface, right? So one day she'd get up and she'd try and swipe the telly because it's the same and you're like, oh, God, she's an idiot. Fucking idiot, right? So you've got to use the remote. So she wants me to do it. I always had to do it for her. and swipe the telly because it's the same and you're like oh god she's an idiot right so she's

getting you've got to use the remote so she she wants me to do she well i always had to do it for her so she's like i want the bear because she can see the icons on netflix i want the bear so i don't know what the bear is right so i'm i've got the remote and i'm moving around and it reads things out in like a bloody um you know semi all right robot-y kind of alexa voice kind of thing oh yeah it's gonna pipe up now i've said his name um and um and so i'm moving around trying to find something that sounds like a bear but she's losing her temper with me right because i'm not going where she wants me to go pointing at it going the bear i want the bear right and then she she knows that like if i if she's learned that like if something's on the floor, she can put my hand on it

or she can show me a dress or something like that with the frills looked at. She's kind of learned that. So she gets me and she puts it where the bear is on the telly, which doesn't help, right? It really doesn't help. Because I don't know where the cursor is. She doesn't know – she doesn't understand the concept

of left, right, up and down. So I'm just, like, moving around this street. How old moving around this street oh she must have been about three or four right so she's losing her temper with me because i'm going around trying to find a bear and after a while she goes that one that one daddy that one and i press on it and she watches it and i'll tell you it had nothing to do with a bear so either she thought something else was a bear on the icon or she just gave up and thought just that one i'll do that one i'll pretend he got it right just for his own right so it's always been a thing where like the frustration like she can get frustrated with me right because i can't see what she wants me to see even though though she's no, no different. So you, you, you jump forward to homeschooling and,

and the school is sending back these, you know, things that she's got to do, which are all on handouts. And I don't know what's on the handouts and I'm trying to picture in my head what I think there, and she's trying to describe to me, and then she's doing things on the paper that I can't see she's doing. And I'm going, well, have you done it there? And she's going, no, you're not meant to do it there. You're meant to do it under there.

I said, what do you mean under there? Describe to me what you've done on the paper. And she's going, Daddy, I've done it right. Just take my word for it. And I'm like, but I can't take your word for it because you've done it wrong. I've been teaching you to do, you know. And we're going through this.

Honestly, mate, I mean, I'd say I got to the point of like, I think she got to the point of killing me. I think it was the other way around. It was, it was, you know, it was hard work. I mean,

we decided that like, she'd do the English and the reading because like my daughter could have just made up any old shite with me, couldn't she? And, and she'd do the art as well. Because I draw with my daughter, but, you know, I mean, her drawing's better than mine.

I can't stay in the lines. So she does, my wife would do the art with her, the English. I do the maths. I was doing the maths and the kind of, you know, go out and do pogo and stuff like that in the garden. So I was in charge of PE and maths. But the maths, even, like like when you're trying to do things on the paper with little drawings and, you know,

kids these days are learning things so much. I don't remember being that age and having homework, right? I mean, because even now she's back in school, she's got homework. I don't remember doing homework at the age of seven. And then she's doing fractions. I don't remember doing fractions at the age of seven. I don't know whether things have changed since I was a kid,

but it seems to be that they're learning harder things than I did in Liverpool in the 80s. Oh, there was a lot of hard learning in Liverpool in the 80s though, Chris. But that was mainly from Maggie Thatcher. Well, what's it like having a Southerner, though, as a kid? I always ask. I always find this interesting because you're a very proud Scouser, Liverpool fan.

You've got a little posh English kid. Always correcting me, mate. Always correcting me English. You know, it's time for you to get your bath. It's not a bath, Daddy. It's a bath. Oh, I thought you said... I mean, I thought you said bats then. like so i don't i'd have had problems with

that one um yeah do you want a glass of water it's a glass daddy it's a it's a glass um oh what was the thing she said to me um oh she goes uh she goes um she was really excited when i came on one day and she'd been out with me wife. And she goes, look what I look what I buyed in the shop, daddy. And I said, it's not buyed, sweetheart, it's bought. And she goes,

it might be bought in Liverpool, but it's buyed in London, daddy. I really appreciate your confidence in that, but it's honestly not. It's honestly not. Have you taken her back to Liverpool? Yes, mate. And what does she make of it?

I mean, it's a lovely city now, Liverpool, isn't it? Yeah, Liverpool, Sam. It's vastly different to what I remember. So much development work and all up there and it sounds, yeah, so we go back. We didn't go back, obviously, through the whole lockdown. We went back at the beginning of June for the first time since

February before. So we hadn't been up there for a while. But, you know, whenever we go back up with me, I'll tell you this, actually, whenever we go back up with my wife, we go in the car. And my wife obviously has to do everything. I do the packing, the packing the car, right?

That's my domain, right? You don't drive? Well, this is the thing. Obviously, my wife drives. Yeah, it's actually very modern now. Women drive, Josh. Okay, so Chris has just taken a really sort of chilled approach i walk in front of the car with a flag um no so me um she she drives but whenever we stop along the way my

wife has to do everything so like if we if we go to the uh the petrol station to you know to get food or we've got to stop for the toilet, she's in charge of everything, right? Because I can't. So it's a lot on my wife. So I try and control what I can control. So the pack in the car, that's my domain. If anyone comes near when I'm packing that, you know, because I used to be able to see, right?

And when I was a kid, brilliant at Tetris, and those skills really come into the home when you're packing a car I'm very good at it right so um that's the bit I do and that's where my responsibility kind of but my daughter doesn't see me doing that right but I feel like I've done me bit so we went to Liverpool she must have been about four at this point and we drove up and it was horrific right the roads were closed it took us eight hours to get to Liverpool should have been about four and we had to stop a couple of times along the way, get food that we didn't have because it was longer than we thought,

toilet breaks. My daughter lost the plot as we got up to Liverpool. It literally melted down, which is fair enough. It was eight hours. And we arrived in Liverpool and she was missing a shoe. No idea what happened to the shoe. We don't know if that went out the window or whether it was dropped on a verge. Because there was a point when my wife had to pull over on a verge,

get her out and, you know, let her do a wee on the verge. So it's all down to my wife. So we got to Liverpool. And when we'd all calmed down, I said to my daughter, I goes, well done. I said, you were very good. It was a horrible journey. All the roads were closed and you did really, really well.

So well done you. And I said, and she goes, well done mummy for driving i said yeah well done mummy for driving because she you know she did all the driving and she did she got the dinner and she she did everything so well done mummy for driving and she goes to me and and well done daddy for sitting down oh god it's made a four-year-old to make you feel like a piece of shit you said i did the packing you didn't see that did you you said that um you used to be able to see so in your head do you have an image of what your daughter looks like and like how does that work sorry is that a weird question no it's weird mate

it's um it's it's it's weird so like yeah i do but it's not like a photo you know it's more like a an idea you know it's it's hard to it's like even people have seen i can't really i don't know whether i remember what they look like or what i think i remember they look like it's it's quite complicated to explain do you know what i mean yeah like yeah your memories kind of fade over time as well and it'd be you know i don't know whether i remember my dad looking like my dad or whether i'm just kind of remembering what i think he looked like you know yeah red face scouse fella with a mustache he hasn't had the mustache since the 80s. That's stereotypical, actually, Chris. I think that's a bit unfair. You can't just stereotype scouses like that these days, right?

I'm not stereotyping scouses, but my dad definitely does have a red face in all photographs. There's something about the flash of an old camera that brings out the redness in my dad's face. that brings out the redness in my dad's face. So, yeah, it's hard to say, but you kind of have an idea in your head, don't you? I remember when I first met you on the comedy circuit, Chris,

and I had an opening joke where I listed all the people I looked like. Yeah, I loved it, mate. You used to say your favourite joke, just because you imagined trying to work out what it was I looked like. I imagine it being almost like that episode of Red Dwarf with the fella that all the different people combined and the face flickers between them all. Legion, I think it was.

It was cold. The only one I remember is Willow. I've got a very large mouth, Chris. Willow from Buffy the Vamp the vampire slayer wasn't it no no willow from willow yeah from willow or i was the wrong willow all this time you've got the joke wrong all this time i only remember one person in the list and it was the wrong willow there's only two willows in the list and it was the wrong Willow. There's only two Willows in the world. Oh, three. The three. The Wisp. Oh, yeah, Willow, the girl.

Oh, dear. And when your daughter grows up, do you want her to be a comedian, psychologist? What would you prefer? Are we not bothered? Certainly not a comedian, mate. It's soul-destroying, isn't it?

I think, if you're a comedian, you're broken. And then over time as a comedian, you either learn how to heal or it all gets worse. I think that's... Yeah. I've met a lot of comedians that, wow, you go, it got worse for you. And a lot of them, Rob, a lot of them are very successful people.

Oh, yeah. But, you know, personally, the life's an absolute mess. But on stage, they're ripping it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, my wife says, like, my wife's from Brazil, and she's kind of Latin-blooded, very emotional, in touch with her emotions, and, you know, very open with all that kind of stuff.

And I'm just closed off. I'm like some kind of Chernobyl site that's been concreted over, you know. And I partly put it down to a life of, you know, I try and play on the, you know, the hardship of my life kind of thing, a lifetime of losing my eyesight. I've learned to just brush things under the carpet and, you know and take a deep breath and carry on in the face of frustration. But also, half of it, I think, is just being a comedian and just dying on your arse horrifically in front of rooms.

You know what I mean? Seven Edinburgh festivals of just being in a porter cabin in front of five people on a Tuesday night dying on your arse and you just learn to put a lid on it don't you 100% well the thing I'd say about you Chris I've seen your sort of stand up shows and stuff and obviously you do you talk about being blind

in parts but I'd say you're a comedian before that comedian that can't see do you know what I mean 100% where there's a lot of people that would that could just be their one joke or their one angle whatever but you're a comedian that's part the same way as i'm a comedian that's from southeast london that forms part of what i'll talk about or it's sort of a part of who you are not the whole act if you know what i mean yeah i've seen this stuff you've got you're back on touring is it april yes you've got um

it's a great tell us the tour title it's a great title yeah okay well the tour title is Speaky Blinder right now obviously it's Peaky Blinders with the s off the end and stick it on the beginning now I'll be honest I fucking hate the title mate oh I can't stand it I can't stand it right and and the reason being is first of all I didn't want a pun um I I can't stand it. I can't stand it, right? And the reason being is, first of all, I didn't want a pun. I didn't want something off a film or a TV thing. And Justin Morehouse, comedian Justin Morehouse, who's from Manchester, he's great, isn't he? He phoned me up one day and he goes,

Hey, I've got a title for you, for your new show. I said, what is it? He goes, you're not going to like it. And he told me. And I said, oh, okay. And I made the mistake of telling my agent and the tour producer, and they loved it. I think it's good.

And they said, well, if you can come up with something better, then you can change it. I think it's good. And they said, well, if you can come up with something better, then you can change it. And I came up with loads, mate. What ones got rejected? Oh, I wanted to call it donuts. Donuts?

Are you going out, Seth? I wanted to call it donuts. Big photo over scone. I had some, I had some, I had some, I had some standup.

That would be the subtle blind reference, wouldn't it, mate? Oh, bless him, bless him. The post would be you eating loads of scones and then they'd say donuts below it. I mean, that would be extremely clever. I'm not sure how many people would get it. Yeah, that is funny.

Do you know what? I thought donuts, because it's just a fun word. I had a huge bit of material about donuts. Right. And, and as it turns out that material never made the cut. Oh, the classic.

It was a good job. Yeah. But, but yeah, no, we ended up sticking with the title. But as you say, like when I started off doing standup,

I, I'm a standup fan. And, and as you say, people, you know, there's nothing more boring than listening to the fat fella doing fat jokes for 20 minutes or whatever it is. Do you know what I mean?

The one thing. It becomes boring. It becomes predictable. And so I never wanted to do that. And when I first started off, I'd make a joke at the beginning because I had to. And then I literally wouldn't mention it again for 20 minutes. And not at all. for 20 minutes and not at all.

And I was so defiant in that because I think the idea was I wanted to make people forget and challenge people's preconceptions by not talking about it at all. But also I didn't really have anything original to say apart from the obvious didn't see it kind of joke. But as I've got older and maybe a little bit more comfortable in myself, and I think especially with, you know, becoming a dad, I've ended up with a few more original things to talk about because everyone can relate to being a parent.

I always swore I wouldn't be the parent comedian on stage just doing parent shit. Me too, Chris. Me too. Look at us now. Literally. What's become of the three of us? It's pathetic

I used to have a line I'd say when my daughter was about two I'd be talking about being a dad and I'd say I always swore I wouldn't be that comedian on stage just talking about being a dad but I've realised that I either tell you about this now or we talk about

stuff that happened three years ago when i was happy so but as i you know as i as i talk about this stuff i i do have more original things to say but things that everyone can relate to but um but that have maybe just got a little bit of a twist on them do you know what i mean so you're i'd say you're you're you know it's an anecdote to an observational comedian that happens to be blind that obviously comes up in it because in all your in all your stories you're still blind you can't change that but you know what i used to love you know what i used to love is eddie is hard right and the first time i saw eddie is hard i saw i was in um woolworths and he had a it was definite article and he was all i could i could see he was still a bit by then,

and he was dressed all flamboyant on the front and it was like the number one selling video and I'd never heard of him and I bought it and I put it on and he came out dressed all up and I thought, I had an image, an idea of what I thought it was going to be and it wasn't. And he talked about being a transvestite for five or ten minutes and it left you wanting to know more and it left you interested and it it kind of

defied what i what i thought it was going to be and i think that's kind of like what i try and do i think that's what i mean it's summed up perfectly exactly that and then you're wearing a dress now mate yeah but yeah you're all over the place you can get tickets on chrismccorsman.com starting from Milton Keynes next April it goes through got all up to Edinburgh, Crewe, Warrington then in Guildford, London, Leicester Square, Fiat, Southend everywhere twicking them all over the place so definitely go and see Chris he's a brilliant stand-up. How does that work with your family and stuff when you're on tour do you stay away a lot like has it affected your the way you approach going away to work no do you know um i mean as i'm sure you you know the circus changed a lot you know over the last

10 years and so whereas part of being on the circuit would have been you know you're away three weekends a month thursday through sunday or whatever um there's a lot more piecing together weekends these days of a night here a night there do you know what i mean so there's just naturally on the circuit these days a lot more going and doing a gig and coming home than they used to be um but when i'm on tour you know if it's within three hours um i'll i'll get home i have so many drives who i pay to do the drive and so if it's in three hours, I'll get home. I have so many drives who I pay to do the drive. And so if it's in three hours, and I'm not working further the other way the next day,

we tend to go and do it and come back and start again the next day. And they get woke up at 6 a.m. by your daughter screaming at your face. That's normally what happens to me. Absolutely, mate. And the least people that know me that come and see me on tour, the better because I can't stand having people in the room that I know I don't mean strangers that have seen me on the telly

if you've seen me on the telly come and see me but if I know you personally from my past please don't tell me you've got tickets and you're coming to see me come and watch but don't tell you in advance because all I can think of is your big stupid face in my head while I'm on.

Well, that must be difficult because when I'm doing gigs, and if there's one person I can see that isn't enjoying it and has the ump, I focus on them massively, even if everyone else is enjoying it. But if you can't see anyone in your own head, it must be really difficult to fight that sort of negativity that everyone has about their own performance do you find that tough the swings and roundabouts made so i can't see the grumpy fella in the front staring at me um but also if you're smiling you are literally no use to me you know what i mean yeah unless you are verbally laughing out loud i

think you hate me so i've done gigs where like i've come off and gone god that was hard and someone said to me they were all smiling well that doesn't have you done that have you done that in your show chris you've got to mention that i've done it i kind of use it as a um whenever i'm previewing so whenever i'm doing something where i know that half of the show is going to be shit yeah right i i say to the audience like some of this won't be funny don't feel you've got to laugh at it but if you do find it funny please laugh out loud because smilers are no good to me i'll try and guilt them into laughing at the bits oh yeah a funny has your daughter come to see you no i'll tell you this right she um she's only seen me do one bit of stand-up and um so Apollo, the first time I'd done Apollo,

I told this story on there about my daughter doing a poo in the bath and handing it to me out of the bath, right? So, oh, God, I can't barely remember how it goes. But the gist is she hands me this poo and she goes, what's this, Daddy? Ice cream, right? And I had to give it a sniff what it was right and and so the joke then is i kind of play it through in her head about how

what what her game plan was did she know like she's like she said to one of her toys hey watch this watch this i bet you i can get him to sniff it right right so that that's kind of how i played a bit of material so my wife showed me daughter that bit of material and it's the only bit of my stand-up she's ever seen but she thinks that that's all i do right so whenever i go to a gig she's like you're going to tell them i want me doing the poo in the bath daddy that's that's what that's all she thinks i do is i go to work and i tell people that she did a shit in the bath you know and so and she knows now she's getting to the age where she equates me working with earning money to pay for us to do things and and so she must be thinking do you know what thank god i did that shit in the bath otherwise we'd be fucked you know

you know if i hadn't done that poo in the bath like we'd be on the bones of our ass at the moment because he literally he wouldn't have a job he wouldn't have a job. He wouldn't have a job. Should just do another one. Right, I think you need some new materials. I'm going to piss on you now. But that's the only bit she's seen anyway. No, bless. Well, Chris, we always finish with the same question.

Is Crosby's Law in honour of Matt Crosby when he's sort of ranting about his partner and the way they parent? Is there something that your wife does with your child that frustrates you a little bit and you don't think is the best bit of parenting, but you can't say anything or it'll turn into a row, and this is your opportunity to get it off your chest in case she listened and would think, that's a fair point, Chris.

Okay, well, first of all, she won't listen. That means this marriage is going to last a long time in my experience. She's not anywhere near the point in our relationship where she seeks out extra me. I don't think she's ever sat there and gone, Oh, he's been out of the house all day. I need to find something with him to listen to. One of the things I mentioned earlier, all day, I need to find something with him to listen to. You know what I mean? One of the things I mentioned earlier,

it's the over-academicisation, if that's even a word, of the whole process. The removal of being able to just try and parent instinctively on your gut feeling without it having to equate to... I studied it. Higgs and

Dyson did in 1978 about the effects of the naughty step on children between the ages. You know what I mean? That's all of that crap. Also, on a very simple level, she lets her watch films. She lets her start a film

too late in the evening, mate. Oh. And when you work evenings, right, when you're out of an evening and you get back, or like when you're out of an evening, you've got a night off, right? If I've got a night off on a Sunday or a Saturday

and I get to like seven o'clock and I'm like, well, you can watch an episode or something and then, you know, get your bath and go to bed. And my wife's like, well, it depends. What film do you want to watch? And I'm like, but she won't be finished. That's a half eight. By the time I get her in bed, it's going to be half past nine.

I'll be tired at 10. I get tired at 10 these days. I've got no evening left. And I can just see my only kind of weekend night off in a month just drifting away from me. And I start trying to like edge my daughter towards, well, watch Tinkerbell because it's like an hour five. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And then when my wife starts looking through the Pixar films, I'm like, there isn't a Pixar film that's under an hour 40. You can't be there. So, yeah, I'd say that because my wife, you know, she doesn't work evenings, so the evenings aren't as precious to her. Yeah, fair enough. When I see her just flogging mine down the river.

Lord of the Rings porn. You like boats about Titanic? You want to watch that? Yeah. Chris, thank you so much. It's been excellent. And we'll definitely make sure all our listeners follow you on Instagram and Twitter

and come and see your show Speaky Blind Art starting in Milton Keynes next April cheers mate you've been brilliant you guys have absolutely smashed it man

and I'll catch you soon alright cheers thank you bye bye Chris McCausland there absolutely brilliant

love that such a good comedian I love Chris McCausland he's one of the most underrated Such a good comedian. I love Chris McCausland. He's brilliant. I think he's one of the most underrated comedians in the country, you know? Yeah. I think he's amazing. He's so good.

He's so naturally funny. He's a laugh. His stuff about, he's just a funny bloke, isn't he? The stuff about him going to Brazil to visit his in-laws is so funny. I've heard that. It's got a really funny routine when you say it. It's about how hot it was because he's quite fair and a bit like, you know, a a very fair bit irishy isn't he i think he's got irish and irish roots and um he said how hot it was when he got there and she went what how hot is it and he went she

was like oh it's 28 degrees and oh god okay i think i can manage this and then he then he didn't realize he got there it was 1am because he couldn't see it was dark he's so good he's definitely worth going to watch yeah he's brilliant absolutely brilliant thank you to him also really interesting like just to get different viewpoints on things people you know viewpoints was a bad choice of words yeah you know i i stumbled through the sentence he panicked joshua after 12 years or whatever it is i think you'd be able to talk about someone's disability, wouldn't you, after the last day? I think so, wouldn't you?

I thought it was interesting when Chris McCausland said that, you know, he tries not to make that central to his act. And I thought, I can think of a couple of people you could have a word with Chris, give a few tips to. Yeah, there's a show I think you should go and watch, guys. No, but do you know what's good about that as well if you are like you know people want to have children have got disabilities and i know i'm messing about with alex but i think it's so inspiring people like alex and chris to share their stories of you know it isn't perfect

it is difficult and it's sometimes tougher in certain regards when you you've got different disabilities looking after kids and that but it is possible it's just it's more tricky you need a good sort of support network iranian stuff but you know it's um he loves his daughter so much he's always talking about and stuff at gigs and that and so yeah it's lovely to see that because don't assume you know he lost his sight when he was a bit older as well so some people you know listen to this that you know are losing their sight I have lost their sight and maybe think oh could I be a parent could I do this could I do that definitely can. And Chris is a great example of that, of someone who's sort of really sort of succeeding in all that,

even though it's got its challenges. I think it's great people talking about that kind of stuff, you know, because people can be a bit British and awkward about it. Totally agree. You know, while you've got your sight, do check out how much Rob looks like Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Every time he used to do that, he'd go, I don't know what the fuck you look like,

mate, but that cracks me up, all those lookalikes. Right, well, we'll be back on Tuesday with another catch-up episode and then more guests next week.

We'll see you then. Bye. Hello, I'm Sean Walsh. And I'm Paul McCaffrey. And we're here to tell you that our podcast, What's Upset You Now, is back for a brand new series. Now, I know what you're thinking.

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