Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP13: Having two kids is an admin nightmare...

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP13: Having two kids is an admin nightmare...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello and welcome to Parenting Hell with... I am Maximus Johnson. It is just a little joke. Just a little joke. I'm Bob Beckett. Bob Beckett. Bye.

What's the preamble? That is him saying his name, Rob, which is a famous line from a film, I am Maximus. He's called Maximus? He's called Maximus, age three. Commander of the armies of the north, the true... Do you want to hear it again?

Does he do the full speech? No. Maximus Aurelius Decibus, the true leader of Marcus Aurelius, all that. Go on, give it to us Maxi I am Maximus Thompson and this is

I think he says I'm Maximus Thompson Maximus Thompson I think it's Tyson you can't go Maximus into Thompson Maximus Thompson it sounds like an insurance policy for your holiday travel Thompson with the Maximus Thompson.

Scared of being trapped with a PCR result? Don't worry. Just take out Maximus Thompson. You know what? I thought Maximus would provide you a lot of ground, Rob, but I didn't imagine it would be in the holiday insurance area. Yeah, I mean, I think we've both been – the summer holidays are killing me.

Oh, God, how many weeks in are you? I'm four weeks into a six stretch. No, yes, they go back. Oh, let me just finish this detail. Oh, sorry, Maximus. Yeah, yeah. He's three. He's from Oxfordshire.

He's full of energy from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He loves to question why. Sounds a bit like he's a pain in the arse. No offence, Maximus. Full of energy. Full of energy. that's the kind of thing at a nursery how was his day full of energy and uh very strong world knows what he wants he is i'm sure he's lovely i'm gonna love this he's confident and knows exactly what he wants he's a little shit and he's called maximus what are you creating he's gonna he's gonna that guy's i'm gonna Maximus. What are you creating? He's going to, he's going to, that guy is either going to go to prison

or rule the world. Good luck to you, Max. As you can tell from his confident introduction. Thank you so, so much for the hilarious podcast. It's helped me get through the parenting day-to-day stretch.

Yes. That is from his mum, Hannah. Hannah. How are you, Rob? Yeah, I'm good. A bit tired. It's just been a bit full on

and with work and stuff. You must be knackered as well. You're dying at the moment. Paralymp been a bit full on and with work and stuff. You must be knackered as well. Your diary at the moment, Paralympics. I know you're filming some overnight stuff. You've done the audio book. That take ages. I'll come to the audio book.

I'll come to the Paralympics. Yes, Rob, I will be honest with you. My diary, I've misjudged it. You know, all our discussions about how we'd really worked out work-life balance and how we knew what made us happy.

Yeah, and all that stuff. And all that, you know, talking about, you know, Denmark, living Danish. Do you need to do the overtime? Don't have the new thing. Just be at home more. Leisure time. Relax. Exactly.

And now you've got you. I have fucked up massively. It can't be worse than the Dudley, Oxford wedding, Zoe Ball, triple threat. I've spent a week trying to deal with... So, we'll come to the audio. What time did you finish work? You worked yesterday filming. Yeah, 5.20am, Rob.

And then I got into bed and my daughter came in at 6.10. Oh, nuts. 50 minutes sleep. 50 minutes sleep. And because I'd stayed up late working, the adrenaline was such that I was just up. I had to listen to a rival podcast to get to sleep, Rob. What was a rival podcast? I always listen to John and Ellis to get to sleep because I find them soothing.

That's a backhanded compliment, isn't it? Well, do you know what? You go in and out of it. So I then slept through the morning and I just left them on. I listened to about six episodes all morning. Nice. And occasionally you're like, I'd wake up and I'd go, this is good. And then I'd go back to sleep.

Because it's just chat. It doesn't feel like they're in bed with you. And I love it. So, yeah, so you must be exhausted. Oh, yeah. Let's start with the Paralympics situation, Rob. The Paralympics situation. You sound like an anchor on GB News. Let's talk about the Paralympics situation.

So, 12 days. 12 days. When does it start? Tuesday. Tuesday, although tomorrow's rehearsal day, so really. Yeah, we're recording this Sunday after 4 o'clock. What I like to call the perfect time to create. Exactly, although tomorrow's rehearsal day. So really. Yeah, we're recording this Sunday after four o'clock. What I like to call the perfect time to create.

Exactly. Exactly. Everyone else is having, you know, having family time that we've talked about how it means so much to us. We're hustling.

We're hustling while they're sleeping. Yeah, exactly. I was hustling while most people were sleeping last night. What was it? Just loads of encores? Yeah.

Yeah. Honestly, you just, it's an overnight shoot wasn't it that's why you start um i started at 7 p.m and the thing was i just felt sad for the last two hours i know it's a chemical imbalance but you like to talk about what you're doing oh i don't think so think so. Well, that's, well, you know, when I did a similar kind of show. Similar show, yeah. Yeah, about Hamleys at Christmas. Did you feel sad? I felt really sad. And it finished at 4.58am and I've never been more angry to be in a shop.

To the point where I cannot go back to Hamleys now. You've never been more angry to be in a shop? Yeah, at 4am, after I've been in there for eight hours. Overnight. TV people have to make it real. I was like, can't we just pretend it? No. Can't we just put blackout blinds up? For God's sake. Well, the fucking shop was shut anyway because it was

locked down. We could have done it midday. Oh, mate. But we did it. We stayed there overnight and did it all properly for one night in Hamleys with Tom Allen and Romesh and I left really tired and sad. But the show was good. I didn't want to get in the car because I didn't want to be on my own. Do you know what I mean?

Why did you get depressed? Because... Invisible driver? Chat to the driver. You fucking... I did, I did. I was in going and he said it's my first job of the day

and I was like, oh, go on, fuck yourself. Oh, he's had a good sleep, the geezer. Nothing worse than when you're going, like whether you're working or you've been out all night and it's like 6am and the other person's had a good sleep, the geezer. Nothing worse than when you're going, like, whether you're working or you've been out all night and it's like 6 a.m. and the other person's had eight hours sleep and they've just got up.

Oh, my God, that's horrible. You can't talk to him. You've got nothing. You might as well be from different planets. Yeah. So I was driving back through London. I went past the Scala in King's Cross. Yeah.

And there was people, revelers, I'd call them, Rob, revelers on the street. And I was just like, these people have been up all night partying. Yeah. And they're still having a good time. And here's me sitting, feeling sad, trying to listen to John and Ellis to try and cheer myself up, to give myself some kind of like, to give myself a warmth of friendship in my ears

with a man who's been asleep for eight hours, having a lovely time in the front. On first coffee of the day yeah and at least i'm going into 12 days of the paralympics filming time 10 p.m yeah so that was saturday night sunday we're recording this tomorrow monday is a rehearsal and then so basically it's 13 days in a row of you hosting a live show essentially yeah yeah we're going at midday yeah you're going to be and um we film till 11 p.m and i'm not going to get to sleep till 1 a.m no i can't imagine and currently uh my baby he is waking up at 4 a.m and when i say waking up i mean up he's shitting himself awake he's shitting himself he's shitting himself awake he's shitting himself he's shitting himself awake

all over his baby grow so you have to change him by the time you've changed him he's up he's up he's ready he's driving cabs he was doing the 2 a.m wake-ups that was fine but by the time he's on the 4 a.m wake-ups that's close enough to the morning that he considers that his proper wake-up so he's got better at sleeping, but it's a worst case scenario. So how much parenting are you planning to do in this period? Is Rose taking a lot of the heat or have you got family members to come and help? We've got someone to come and help. Oh, I'll tell you that.

Yeah, because it's just untenable otherwise. I can't do it. I can't do three hours sleep a night for 12 days doing a live TV show. You need some babysitters in or nans and granddads picking. We've got a nanny coming in to help on some of the days. And Rose is going away for two days. She's going away for two days?

She's going to visit a friend in Folkestone with the kids. She's not leaving me with the kids. I know we need a break, Rose, but let Josh come on. There will be points where you'll literally run out of time to sleep. There'll be no time. Honestly, it's genuinely, having two kids is now, it's like an admin nightmare. Because if I had a normal set hours job, you could go, well, what we do each week is this.

That's the hardest thing, I think. Not to, like, world's tiniest violin. But if you don't have a regular schedule, that is what me and Lou find the most difficult thing. Because Lou never knows when she's got spare time. And then I can't. And then you get pulled from pillar to post. So having that routine does help, I think, keeping everyone happy. But every week it's like, so we need someone to help us on the Saturday

and the Thursday morning. And do you know what I mean? It's just like this absolute, oh, Rob, what a life. What a life, Josh. What a life. How was the audio book? Oh, mate. you're doing yours next week aren't you? I'll do it and I can't think

no offence, I think I just can't think of anything worse than reading back my own book out loud. Well I did yours and it was I don't remember any of these things happening to me but I'll put them on Oh gosh. So on the one hand,

three and a half days. How many words have you got? It was 80,000. I think I can bang it out in three. Yeah. My book's only 9,000 words. No, Jackie. I was thinking like... 970, I think. You know that we've got the audiobook of, like, Snail and the Whale? I mean, what's that? 200 words?

Like, Imelda Staunton's stealing a fucking living with that, isn't she? Yeah, it's about time Staunton got a bit of stick. Come on, Imelda. Stephen Mangan on bloody Mog and Meg. Meg and Mog. What's he doing there? 100 words?

Come on, Mangan, go put the effort in. He's getting a day rate for that, isn't he? But anyway, it's a really interesting experience doing the audiobook is there any parts of yours that are a bit emotional or sad that then a reading back made you upset um well i'm emotionally dead so that was fine um there are bits where obviously it's yeah i wouldn't say there's anything that was like heartbreaking but there's bits which are sadder and actually do you know what They're the easiest bits to read, Rob. Because you don't have to put much... You don't have to deliver it as a gag.

Do you know what I mean? So you're doing accents in yours? Yeah, and the holiday to China was a real problem. But no, I can't do any accents. It's just something I have no ability to do any accent at all. You must have to do a couple of that. I can't do any accents, Rob. Right there, mate.

What's that one? Is that Birmingham? Birmingham. Yeah, but just listen. So I'd go, you're right, mate. I can't do it. He didn't even try. Go right there, mate.

You're right there, mate. I can't do it. Okay, go. It panics me to try and do it. A can of Fanta. A can of Fanta. No, I can't do it. I can't do it. Okay, good. All right, Nuka. It panics me to try and do it. A can of Fanta. A can of Fanta. No, I can't do it. I can't do any accents.

It still really sounds like Josh Whittakin speaking. I know. I've just got... I've got... Rob, I have no range. You're aware other people isn't this? It's not like a casting director that wants you to be in something. Don't talk yourself out of a job.

I'm going to tell you now, right? If that person... Don't. I have no range. I have nothing. I have no range. You are doing well. You don't even have a disability and you're on the Paralympic coverage.

You think Imelda Staunton's stealing a living? Look at me, mate. I've got nothing. He's stealing a living off disabled people. That's what Josh Willicombe does. So, there was positives and negatives to it. Fair enough.

I think it'll be fun once again. I loved doing it in a way. You haven't done much voiceover though, have you? Have you done much voiceover? I was the voice of a talking car in a Churchill advert. Thank you very much, Rob.

Yes, I know, but that's a one, that's like a two hour gig and then he's done Churchill advert. Thank you very much, Rob. Yes, I know, but that's, that's a one that's like an art, like two hour gig. And then he's done in it. He's not waiting hours. When I do the steps,

go dating in a voiceover booth. I've worked out that I've spent two, four weeks of my life in that box. Yeah. Cause it's two and a half hours per show. And they've done like a hundred shows or something. Yeah. Oh no,

I'm sure I'll be fine, but I'm doing that next week. Yeah. So what I would say about it rob is so i had a lovely time doing it yeah i genuinely had a lovely time because you know you know how stiff my neck is rob oh yeah i i'm loving everything that is involved with like having a book out and feeling like i'm a proper author okay Okay. So I'm like absolutely getting off on this fact that I'm doing an audio book.

Like here I bloody am doing my audio book. Like Rob, I'm doing a small book tour just because I wanted to do it. Are you? Yeah. How much work are you doing? It was a misjudgment, Rob, but it's too late now. The tickets are available.

I'll Instagram them out. There's eight small dates and I'll be honest with you. It's it's me and ivo as well so ivo graham's doing it with me and it's going to be a lot of fun it'll be great it'll be great and i'm doing i'm doing all these things because i was like this is right i don't might not get to do this again i'm really like like the idea of doing it that's good yeah so i loved doing it right but you go fucking insane oh this is not good for me you do not try and do more than now the words don't mean anything more than an hour like without having a cup of tea or a break a little break all right and then you're like could there be you know at least it's just me on my own you know it's not like i'm going to be

in a booth and then in the next booth there's going to be someone who's on my own you know it's not like i'm going to be in a booth and then in the next booth there's going to be someone who's going to be you know have a much more successful and high profile book and then you look across and i was in the next booth to michael mcintyre did you see him yeah we hung out at lunch as you're doing it can you see him but just side no no no no there was a wall but he was in the next room yeah i wasn't looking across and he was absolutely smashing it you have a bigger room he's smashing it he's come out for an encore he's written another chapter i hadn't even thought about it he did he did have a bigger room actually rob of course he did he's the boss man isn't he he's a big dog and then my voice started going and then because my voice was going i had to redo

the first three chapters to keep the voice uniform because the first three chapters sounded like a different person rob like basically my voice started going they thought it sounded better so i had to go back and do the first three chapters again oh no i wouldn't do that i'd go i just sound different it sounds like that is that is me sorry if it's sorry if it sounds like someone else but it isn't That is just what my voice is like And I'm locked to a chair And forced to read it for four days Do you know the worst bit Rob? What the ending?

Did you run out of patience writing it? I got home and had to read to my daughter You've got to be joking mate I'm not sitting here and reading I've been doing this for six hours today. I think that, do you know what? I think the audio book could go one or two ways for people, but it's definitely worth a buy.

Because I'll either just be going for it or just livid. I can't wait to find out what you think of doing an audio book. Because I'll be honest with you. It is a game of patience. That is not my game. It's a game of patience. That's not my game. It's a game of patience. That's not my game at all. Oh, God.

Anyway, we should probably talk about kids, shouldn't we, for a bit? Yeah, sorry. Parents. No, it's all right. That's been my week. That's been your week. We went up to London to see Lion King. Oh, very nice.

How was it? It was good. Three-year-old's first ever theatre trip, which was exciting. Did she enjoy it? Yeah, she did love it. But after every song finished, she went, is that the end? Like, out loud. Yeah.

We're all thinking it. But it was so hot in there, Josh. Hot? It was so warm in the theatre. In the theatre? It was really warm. You know, and, like, it's all a bit hot and sweaty, and the seats are all close.

And then I love the show, but I fell asleep every time they started talking. You what? You fell asleep? I fell asleep. When they're singing, I'm awake. But when they start talking, because it's all a bit, it's quite, Lion King's a great production, but it's quite magical and beautiful. But it's quite banter low.

It's not like, there's not a lot of opportunities for fun in Lion King. It's all like, it's all quite bleak about his dad and then the stampede and he gets out of court and it's all a bit like, oh, and the land and we're in a circle of light. There's not,

there's not much cheeky, chappy bantering. I know the Timon and Pumbaa come out, but they're carrying a lot. Would it kill them to put in a bit of Bradley Walsh? Do you know what I mean?

Exactly. They did do a little frozen joke throwing a few, throwing a bit of shade on Elsa. So did you actually fall asleep? Yeah, but you know, like when you sat up in my head, I could feel my head going, you know, and you feel like little frozen joke, throwing a bit of shade on Elsa. So did you actually fall asleep, Rob? Yeah, but you know, like, when you sat up, in my head,

I could feel my head going. You know, I had, like, and you feel like your head's about to snap off. Like that. And then I got into a nice little groove of snooze, right? And I was asleep. And I was just going. And then out of nowhere. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!! Ah! Ah!! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah I woke up like I was in a plane crash you know and like you could barely listen to John and

Ellis podcast could you I know but it is great and I loved it but I've seen it before and I was so tired because I played football the day earlier I just started my tour shows had started up again so I was just hot and tired and it was like you know when it gets so warm and you just sort of slip off a little bit and it was one of them ones where they're like, I don't know what to look at in Lion King because they've all got like animal helmets on above their head So are they, they're people

Oh yeah, I've seen the poster, so it's a guy with like a thing on top. Like a lion head on top of his head but his face is sort of painted to look like a lion sort of thing but then I don't know whether I should be looking at their head or the helmet head. Yeah I don't know whether I should be looking at their head or the helmet head. Yeah. It's like,

I went to see the X Factor musical, which was great. Did you see that? The Harry Hill X Factor? Oh no, is it good? Yeah, I really loved it.

And, but for the first half, there's a puppet in it and the guy obviously is walking around with a puppet. Yes. And for the first 20 minutes, I didn't realise whether,

I was like, is this guy part of the cast or are we meant to not know that he's there do you know what i mean yeah exactly it's like don't we know what i'm looking at because if you sort of squint a little bit it's sort of actually then it looks like an actual lion or like the way they move it's been like cats like that i think it'd be a better show if you've got glaucoma ultimately david's would enjoy it oh yeah if you if you have to wear wraparound goggles to play sport this is your this is your show on the train up though it's quite funny on the train up we went through hiver green where i used to live with lou and um we had like our first baby there for six

months and we moved out to zone five and um was going for hiver green went oh we used to live in hiver green and we said you used to live in hiver green didn't you and the five-year-old was like did i went yeah you lived there for six months and the three-year-old was like i lived here too and was like oh no no you didn't live in and then now she's screaming upset that we live somewhere without her but i cannot accept that she wasn't born and so she's getting really upset going but i want to live in hiver green Why did you not let me live in Hivergreen? And then the five-year-old starts going, yeah, I loved Hivergreen when I lived in Hivergreen.

Oh, that is that. I loved it. I was like, you were six months. Okay, what was your best bit about Hivergreen? Give me one good thing about living in Hivergreen. You've got nothing. You've got nothing. You're left after six months.

Oh, that is. They're getting a bit bored of each other. They play lovely, but because it's been summer holidays, it's just been them that they're getting a little bit like eggy with each other and a bit aggressive. So we're having to keep an eye on it and fewer timeouts. When you say something like that,

that then you, the instant you say it, you know, you said the wrong thing. Yeah. Matthew Crosby of this, of then, the instant you say it, you know you've said the wrong thing. Yeah. Matthew Crosby, of this parish, as they say,

he texted me that he, so he was going out on Friday night to watch Supergrass in Crystal Palace Park. Because it's 1997. Yeah, I was going to say, look at on him. Because that Shed 7 gig

got cancelled, didn't it? The ticket's been held for quite a while. A lot of cancellations. The levelers supporting. Big gig that was. And his daughter was up as he was leaving, his two-year-old daughter,

and she said, where are you going? And he said, he thought, I presumably thought he couldn't explain what a gig was. So he said the park. And the instant he said the park. Oh, she wants to go to the park. She burst into tears because her dad was going to the park without her.

Oh, a nighttime park seems so exciting to a kid. Oh, no. He basically left his wife dealing with a crying child while he went to watch a band that hadn't had a hit since 1998. Yeah. Lou did some of the greatest clutch pressure performance parenting I've ever seen Josh yeah okay so I'll set the scene basically um the three-year-old's in a nursery a really good nursery around the corner however it just does um like nine till three and Lou's starting to do a bit more voluntary work and teaching work so we need a bit more flexibility now i need a bit more flexibility with the because it's this nursery you can do like nine eight till

six or something oh that's what we've got rob if lou has to work in the afternoon or if i get stuck so we've got a bit more flexibility you just sort of leave them there anyway boring boring boring but we're changing the nursery so i was a bit worried about that because it's a new thing and yeah anyway um when the nurse we took her there to have a little show around because she hasn't got like a stay and play until a couple of weeks or something just to sort of introduce the idea of mini school before she goes to proper school anyway so we're doing it they're playing in the garden we get shown like the garden

area of a Wendy house and then we get shown like the room and all that we're like oh yeah it's great chat chat chat we're chatting to them anyway we go okay well thanks very much we're going to go now and the girls go no we don't want to go we're having so much fun and they go and hide the wendy house and in front of like the nursery people right who are gonna be looking after the kids and also at this stage they can always really go like oh actually we don't want them to come do you know i mean they don't have to have the gear you're on you're on a

probation yeah of course you're on best behavior it's like meeting in-laws isn't it when it's a new school nursery so anyway and also what louis doesn't realize is I've just been talking to him in the Wendy house. He's going, get out now. Don't embarrass me. And they go, no, Dad. So they're absolutely mugging me off. And I'm going, I'm going to count to three. Oh, this is my worst nightmare.

My hands are going wrong. My hands are going. So I'm doing this, but the nursery people can't see me, right? And then I just leave it. I basically just walk away. I'm like, you know, I just panned it like a captain of a ship jumping off into the first lifeboat, right? So I just leave it.

And then we sort of say goodbye to them. And Lou goes, oh, I'll just get them then. And in front of like three people from the nursery and me, Lou just goes to Wendy's house and goes, come on, girls, we're going. And they go, no. And then Lou just gets bitch. It was like, come on girls we're going and they go no and then Lou just oh my gosh it was like you know like the Stig

on Top Gear when he just does a handbrake turn and just like parks something and it's just like and they have the music playing they just went we're going now I'm going to count to three

one on one they came out and then Lou was swaggering like Conor McGregor and even I how did she do that role? No idea.

I've never seen anything. It was like a spell. It was like Jedi shit. That is amazing. But the pressure on that, it was next level pressure. What would have happened if that was me is I'd have gone, counting to three, one, two, three. You've got to be out by 10, okay?

Four, five. Yeah've got to be out by ten, okay? So it's four, five. Yeah, ten three times. I'll count to three times and then we're out of here. Sorry about this. It's a thing we do. But they don't listen and I panic and cry. They're really good at counting, aren't they?

Because look at the numbers they gave me up to. Yeah, look. 150 are on there. Look at this. You've got kids in your nursery that didn't count this time. But it was unbelievable. I was just like this isn't going to happen. Lou's going to get very stressed at the end of this.

But yeah, that was funny. Really funny. Shall we do some Instagrams? Let's have some Instagrams, Rob. Okay, let's have some Instagrams. I've got some great Instagram messages. We'll do some shout-outs as well. Also, I'll mention Sean Lock as well. Unfortunately, poor old Sean passed away this week.

Very sad in the world of comedy. And also cut through into sort of the mainstream as well, really. I know he was on the mainstream, but you sort of forget how popular he was to a point because he wasn't on social media as such. He was genuinely i thought obviously it was it was really beautiful how much of a response it got yeah um there's very few comics who you're excited to hear what they are going to say on everything do you know what i

mean yeah exactly and i think it almost felt like you know he like we on a panel show and he was like the master and we was all just apprentices just fully aware of he knows exactly what to say, when to say, how to say it. And he's not really on his level. It's the way, you know, Arsenal footballers talk about playing with Dennis Bergkamp. It's like he was just a different level and he was just doing something that you couldn't really replicate.

I remember when I had a black eye after playing football and I was backstage and I was trying to cover it up with makeup, but it wouldn't work and it was a boring story. And he went, oh, what happened to you? I went, I got it playing football, but I don't know what to say because I've only got a funny story. I went, but I could probably make something up, couldn't I? And then he went, oh, someone's learning.

It really could be. And the other story I remember of Sean, which is less backstage, a comedy type of story was, did you go to that Prince Coco gig? No, I didn't. Why didn't I go to that? He was even with Nick Clagg. Of course he did. Right.

So we're at Coco and Prince is on. And then I turn the corner and then Sean just turns up with his wife, Anushka, so happy and dancing, like properly dancing. Oh, wow. Because he was a decent dancer as well and loved dancing. And they were properly going for it. To be fair, I don't know how good he was, quality was. He seemed good to me. But he was just loving life, dancing with his wife.

And I thought, Sean Lock, don't dance. What's going on? But I think that's what made him so good. You thought on paper he's a bit of a Mickey Flanagan geezery type guy, but he was so surreal and into different things. And it was so sad. He was absolutely amazing.

But I'm just lucky to have worked with him, really. I met him. Yeah, it's amazing. I remember the first time. So the first thing I ever did on TV was the Edinburgh Gala in 2010. Yep. And someone dropped out on the day so i got put in i remember turning up and i'd been put it was me and sean lock in a dressing room oh yeah and it was a very quick like to me it was the most scary kind of day in the world and it was a very quick kind of introduction into how quickly you kind of

adjust to these things. He just swanned in. Didn't he? I was like, you're not even going to get changed. He was like, no, I'm just going in.

This can care less. Didn't even. And he was like, scribbled a couple of things on his notepad. And that was his set. And he walked out and I was watching the set the other day. And it's just him. He like, and I mean this in the best possible way.

One of the things I loved about Sean Lock, he didn't seem to give a shit if anyone laughed. No. If it made him laugh. And he's doing this act, which is just where he's doing impressions of Bernard Manning, where he does old school jokes and then breaks into song. And he just, he did things that no other comedian would do.

And he didn't give a shit in the best possible way. Yeah. And he did it. And he did it with no, yet no, like, Oh, look at me actually.

I'm doing something quite different here where some people like the idea of what kind of comedian they are rather than just doing comedy. And he would just go out and do something mental where other people build such a whole sort of career and thinking of like, Oh, that's the person that does that thing. He'd do about 50 different things in a week of shows. And yeah,

he's one of the, he had a real genius, like one of a kind type of comedy mind where obviously, you know, like the people are funny and do stuff, but you, you do start to notice people that think in a similar way of how comedians think.

But I don't mean there's many people that has a brain like his or had a brain like his that could just think like he's mad mad stuff there's loads of clips going around obviously lots of countdown but one of the ones that i always remember and i've watched quite a load is there's a one ways on big fat quiz of the year yeah and they do you know that thing where the kids act out the news store yeah and they're crap at acting and he just goes into this rant about how shit the kids are at acting. And it's one of the funniest things. It's just like, the bravery of him was unbelievable.

Well, I think he did. You know what everyone does in the sort of slight private, but you think, well, I can't actually say that on telly, I'll say that on stage. He'd just do it.

But in a way that wasn't really offensive. It was, there'll be those kids that watch that, that will go, I was one of the kids that he slagged off. Like in a way that wasn't really offensive it was there'll be those kids that watch that that were like i was one of the kids he slagged off like in a positive way as if it was like a lame drop type thing of like you know those kids he said they were shit acting i was one of them oh it's amazing yeah it's so sad uh so um you know our thoughts with his family yeah of course so that's kind of what you think about a lot as well, isn't it, when these things happen? Yeah, it's so sad, isn't it?

But, you know, yeah, it's really horrible. Bless him. Right, now I've got to do a gear change into Instagram messages. Now you've got to do a real gear change. This is a classic one-show situation, Rob. Okay, and now, you know I was talking in the week about having a shit in front of your partner? I think that's a tribute Sean would want.

Yeah, exactly. Or, yeah, we can go from that. This is good, actually. This is really funny. I think that's the tribute Sean would want Yeah exactly Or yeah We can go from that This is good actually This is really funny They're keeping it anonymous Hi Rob and Josh Huge fan of the podcast

Have both your books on order Good man Yes Or woman It's anon You know why not I regularly listen While I walk up and down the high street

To get my 12 week old to sleep After listening to the Ellie Taylor episode I thought I'd get in touch. My wife and I have been together 10 years and married for two. Much like Ellie, we keep the mystique in the relationship and have never discussed toileted habits in front of each other for a decade.

Earlier this week, I let out a fart. Quite a horrendous one, to be honest. My wife asked if it was me, to which I quickly denied and blamed it on our newborn. Classic. Classic. Yeah. The next day, my wife informs me she was so concerned about the smell of our newborn's fart that she had already spoken to the doctor and had a blood test booked to check everything was okay.

This has got, I think this is a, I think the wife's playing a game here, right? Surely. No, she's booked it. No, because if it's genuinely awful, like sewerage, and it's from a newborn, you're going to think, this baby must be allergic to the milk. Oh, my God. Have I given it something that it's allergic to?

Oh, my God. Something is compromising the stomach of this child if that smell came from it. Oh, my God. This is a situation. This is a proper Larry David Cobra infusion situation. This is great, but it isn't. I feel horrendous and now I have to come clean,

destroy the mystique in our relationship to avoid my 12-week-old having an unnecessary blood test. I hope you are listening. I think they may be coming clean now. What? No. That is unbelievable. I think that might have happened. No. no well there's only one way for the

wife to respond and that is next week via email yes yes that'd be great um i've got loads more i'll do a couple more and then um that is so has that person done it anonymously yeah anonymously but then you'd know if you if you know if you listen to this and you've booked a blood test for your baby after an awful fart but do double check that it's definitely that person because what we don't want is a cancelled blood test from a baby that does have a bad stomach look if you if your baby's shit stinks just get a blood test just in case yeah all right i'll give you another one um before we do small business shout outs there's a couple of good ones here um oh this this is good you know we asked for um things that you've said that um like make

you sound like your parents so i said to my kids that that that chairs chairs are for sitting on not for standing on you know like this is a great one we got here so this is from nicholas hi robin josh as a child of the 80s i'm sure that my parents would make up things not to do as it would affect me in later life here are some things i've nearly said to my children from my childhood don't sit too close to the tv you'll get square eyes yeah that's not true is it no it's not true um don't sit too close to the fire or you'll get chill blains i think this is a little hard you're a big deal when i was a kid yeah i've not heard of chill blains since brian connelly used to do it in his set and i chill blains for children oh right well inolly used to do it in his set? I like chillblains for children. Oh, right.

Well, I... Yeah, I don't... I haven't thought about a chillblain since kind of the 90s. Well, you've not been set in front of fires, have you? No, I haven't, no.

But I thought it was cold, I thought it was like cold then hot and you used to get them on your toes and I liked them, Rob. You like chill... I mean, you're from Devon,

it was probably like a high. I enjoyed a chillblain, Rob. You've got to get your thrills where you can. I love the chillblain. You like chill? I mean, you're from Devon. It was probably like a high. I enjoyed a chill blame, Rob. You've got to get your thrills where you can. I love the chill blame. Chill blame. I've not heard of chill blames. Have you heard of chill blame recently? Do email in.

So chill blames are small itchy swellings in the skin that occur as a reaction to cold temperatures. But it was that pleasure pain thing, Rob. It was nice to see it as a chill blame. But then if you're by the fire, is it the most often affect the body's extremities? It was the toes, wasn't it? It was the toes.

The little toe being a chill blade. Oh, glorious. Don't come running to me if you break your leg. Absolute classic. Yeah, nice. Stop crying or I'll give you something else to cry about. Oh, that's a bit much. A bit harsh now.

Yeah. You're right, Nicholas. Is this a cry for help? You better wipe that look off your face oh my god where did you grow up nicholas oh you grew up in borstal by the way it's like a nunnery in ireland 100 years ago if the wind changes your face will stay like that that's it yeah and do you think you are jesus no we'll shut the door you were not born in a barn right he's born in a stable it's a stable it's a stable he's

got his he's got his lines mixed up do you think of jesus is a real strong opening conversational gambit actually yes yes i do and watch this and he just walk across the bar my friend's parents used to say um when we go out out to the town nearby, if you didn't hold their hand at the road, she'd say, hold my hand if you don't want me to take you home to your parents in a paper bag, which always felt quite vivid. Yeah, that's quite brutal. Yeah. I don't think it's how it would have played out, obviously.

My mum always used to go, if you were playing in the garden with no pants on, we'd go, put that away, put your willy away, or the dicky bird will come and get it. Like, what a horrific thing to tell a child that there's these pedo nonce birds swooping in to bite off a kid's dick. That's horrendous. When you think about what you're suggesting exists in your street, is that this bird's going to come down and nibble your knob off?

Peck the pecker. This one's a good one. This one, Susie, two little birdies. I can't believe it. Why is it two little birds? That's weird. I must have half seen that while I did my little pecker line. Now, parents saying, my seven-year-old was walking home from school

with her jacket hanging off one shoulder. And I somehow found myself saying, I didn't pay full price for that jacket for you to wear half of it. Oh, that is a, that's a proper bit of parenting. How cold's that shoulder? Why do they get involved? Parents like that's the kind of thing that you get involved in.

And then you think, is this really an issue? Is this some problem I've got myself? Do you know what I mean? Yes. It's like me making my peace with my daughter doesn't like wearing trainers. Yes.

That's just it. So what does she wear? She likes boots and sandals. She wears wellies or the jellies. The jelly sandals. Wellies or the jellies. In the morning, is it a wellies day or a jellies day? So, yeah.

So she wore wellies all the time. But wellies are easy and comfortable. She might not want them tight. She wears a dress and wellies. She mainly looks like she's just passed her GCSEs and she's going to festivals wellies to nursery yeah

does she yeah Rob I've lost I just can't I can't you really want her to wear a pair of Converse

didn't you I can tell yeah do you know what Rob I bought her a pair of Nikes she didn't give a fucking shit mate oh no I've sat her through the last dance

to try and get it through to her, but she doesn't care. That's a long watch for a four-year-old. Yeah, she thought Scotty Pippin deserved a better contract, but apart from that, she didn't come out with any interest in those trainers.

Right. Okay, let me find this. I've got a real hipster small business here. Hi, Josh and Rob. First up, thanks a ton for the moral support we had our first baby imogen immy at the beginning of the original lockdown and your last kept us going through the seemingly endless park walks we absolutely would love a shout out for our small business me and my husband tom we're the first uk saki brewery

oh yes we're based in peckham so i'd love to pour you and your thirsty parent-listers a glass of the fresh stuff and you can follow them. I've never had sake. It's sort of like Japanese. It's a Japanese spirit. It's like rice, isn't it? Rice spirit. Oh, is it a rice spirit?

I think so. Okay, well, they're doing it, mate. And it's called Kanpai, K-A-N-P-A-I. So it's Kanpai London, at Kanpai London, K-A-N-P-A-I. So it's Kanpai London, at Kanpai London, K-A-N-P-A-I London, and Kanpai.London. Is that a website? Dot London?

Dot London? That can't be it. They've got a taproom, bar and kitchen, opening Wednesday and Thursday, 5 till 10, Friday 5. Yeah.

Oh, so it's a proper shop. I thought they were just busting it out. I just thought they were just making a bit of sarky in their living room. Yeah. Well done. Good on you. I mean, it is still a small business, but they've got a proper... You can actually go to Peckham and have some sarky.

I mean... Oh, mate. This is talking my stiff, like, hipster language, mate. Oh, you're so stiff. Your neck's so stiff. Look, of course he's got long hair and a beard, Tom. I've seen Tom on his Insta. He's an hipster.

Oh, yes, please. You can't... I'll tell you what. Go on. Went through the presents my daughter got at her party last week, Rob. Oh, yeah. It was the most, I mean. Can I guess?

She loved them. She loved them. I would say. Canvas. How much canvas? I loved them, Rob. But it was, well, it was a stiff neck bunch of East London presents. Was it?

And no mistake. All wood, no plastic. Well, yeah. Do you want to have a guess? There was one plastic present, which was Frozen based. Was it the microphone that sings? No, it was a series.

It was a Frozen hairbrush, hair bands, all the hair stuff for Frozen. Fair enough. And what were the other ones? Just lovely like art boxes, gardening stuff. um those uh slug pellets like pellets yeah mate don't talk about slugs it's all half let's not go into it about slugs i want to know about your slugs well it's just the weather for it isn't it all this

slight rain the slugs fucking love it you got a lot of slugs in we've got a few i'll be honest with you rob yeah i about a month ago i said to myself you know i've made the peace with the trainers yeah i said i'm too busy i've made the pit my peace this summer the garden is going to shit i don't care anymore i'm not doing any more towards the garden this summer it's too late just let it go let the slugs have it for a year and then come in hard next year the slugs have taken it rob it's like it's like i've left the garden it's like afghanistan the slugs have come and taken it really it's unbelievable you just can't my retreat has absolutely led to the bad guys taking over again you've had a howler i've done a joe biden mate too fast too early exactly i should have left some. Leave it and then go back for it next year.

Yeah, exactly. What's your school business? Please, come on. Okay. I always try not to do the top one, but it's a good one. Okay. So, hi, Rob and Josh. I run a very unique charity here in the UK

where we send pens and pencils to kids in Africa that can't afford them. We've sent over a million in the UK where we send pens and pencils to kids in Africa that can't afford them. We've sent over a million in the last 10 years and hopefully long may that pause I did there, Rob. And then I retook it. That's in there because I know any fuck

up of reading now and I will just go back and retake it. I won't accept a stumble anymore, Rob. You will not accept a stumble. You are clean. Clean for the edit. So, do they send paper as well to Africa? Or just the pens?

They've already got paper, Rob. They've already got paper. That's a different charity. This is www.pensforkids.co.uk. I thought they should join up. Yeah, you should. Paper for kids and pens for kids. But pensforkids.co.uk.

Take care. Cheers, Chris. Thank you for listening, everyone. kids but uh pens for kids.co.uk take care cheers chris thank you for listening everyone no thank you very much and you enjoy take care cheers chris really really enjoyed it i thought you were delivering that to the audience i didn't know you were still reading the email i thought that was the end thank you that's how i was ending yeah and then chris threw me if you'd said josh there i would have just shut up and assumed that we'd stopped. Imagine if I just decided to end. It's pencilkids.co.uk. Take care.

Cheers, Josh. Bye. God, he's so ruthless after the audio book. Let's not piss around. He's had 50 minutes sleep.

We've spent longer talking about our fucking kids than you have sleeping today. Oh, God. I'll see you on Friday. I've got loads of good Instagrams. We'll go through them on Friday. All have sleeping today. Oh, God. I'll see you on Friday. I've got loads of good Instagrams. We'll go through them on Friday. All right, good.

See you then. Bye. Bye. Hello, I'm Sean Walsh. And I'm Paul McCaffrey. And we're here to tell you that our podcast, What's Upset You Now? is back for a brand new series.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Do I have time in my life for another comedian-hosted podcast with my busy schedule? podcast what's upset you now is back for a brand new series now i know what you're thinking do i have time in my life for another comedian hosted podcast with my busy schedule well in most cases no but here's why what's upset you now is different each week we ask ourselves and a guest what's upset you now and we spend exactly 15 minutes discussing and ranting about the frustrations and idiocies of everyday life anything from a bus driver wanting the exact change... To those people doing yoga in the park. And quite often, just simply each other.

Yeah, it's basically anything and everyone. It's the podcast equivalent of being in the pub with your two funny mates, putting the world to rights. Yeah, at 2am, so do expect shouting. Listen to What's Upset You Now, available on all podcast platforms.