Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP15: The Emotional Breakdown Special

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP15: The Emotional Breakdown Special More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Whittaker? Whittaker. There we go. Very excited, that crew.

Yeah. That is my three-year-old, Lila Rose, who found your names hilarious. Hopefully a fan of you guys when she grows up. Just to shout out to all the young dads and mums who, listen, I'm 25 with two kids, a seven-year-old and a three-year-old, and a third on the way. Woo!

Oh, so 18 when he had his first. Yeah. Good on him. Legend. My oldest has been asked if he was her brother on a few occasions. Other kids just don't expect me to be their dad. I know, but then you're going to be kids just don't expect me to be their dad. I know, but then you're going to be a really cool young dad when you get to go. Really cool young dad.

Yeah, so he's got a seven-year-old. So in 10 years' time, he'll be 35, like my age, with like a 17-year-old. Yes. Absolutely smashing it up at the Euros. Yeah. I personally have taken sacrifices being a young dad as I've missed out on doing many fun things with friends. Lockdown has really allowed me to drop out the people who don't seem to bother

with me and allow me to concentrate and work hard to support my family. You guys are amazing. And even though there is an age gap with me and you both parenting at the age of 15, don't start giving it a large one. You're 25. Do you know what I mean? I'm getting off this geezer.

He's writing in like we're fucking Ian McKellen and Dame Judy Dench. I'm 35, mate. I'm in my fucking prime. You mean that shit? I'm peaking at 40. Although I don't get a lot of the references you old relics put into the podcast. Did he say that?

Anyway, good on you for dropping out the deadwood you gotta do that that is ryan smith from milton keynes go on ryan how has your week been rob um well to be honest this week i've been working a lot and lou took the girls to sandy balls oh come on come on now so come on behave i now come on behave I feel like you should start I've got a few bits I need to talk about no I don't think you should dwell on Sandy Balls I think you should move on

no no I wasn't there no but just name the name Sandy Balls oh yeah I think the caravan park probably started that as a laugh for a bit of banter but then it took off as an actual legitimate place. Okay, as a legitimate business. Yeah, it's a legitimate business now.

So, yeah, it's called Sandy Balls. So, are you telling me you've not done much parenting? Because I've got some terrible news, Rob. I've not done much parenting either. Okay, right. We're up against the wall here. We're a minute in. Don't worry, I've got some Instagram.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hang on, let me go through my notes. Oh, I've got a couple of things I can talk about. He's paranoid. I've got a couple of things. I've got a couple of dusty anecdotes. Let's get them off. If you start telling an anecdote about weaning,

people are going to know. This is a... No, no, I've got something that's quite funny from The Lion King, people are going to know. This isn't... No, no. I've got something that's quite funny from The Lion King, when we went to see The Lion King. When we was in the little bar area, they had some music playing in the background before we went into the show,

when we was getting drinks and stuff. And it was all quite nice sort of songs. And all of a sudden, you know the Lily Allen song, Fuck You? Yep. Yep. And that came on. And I was like, it's so weird.

It's so weird. Obviously, someone's just got their iPod on shuffle. iPod. How old am I? Their phone, whatever it is, Spotify. Sonos. Something's on shuffle. And if you don't know that song, it is literally just fuck you,

the whole thing. Fuck you. Fuck you very, very much. Fuck. And it played for about two minutes. And there's just kids everywhere. And all the parents were looking around. And I was like, this must

be an accident. And then all of a sudden... Was anyone else clocked it? A couple of people, but you didn't want to make too much of it in case the... In case the... For example, here's some of the lyrics. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you very, very much. And that's you know, for example, we had, here's some of the lyrics, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you very, very much. And that's the chorus, basically.

Do you know I often argue with people? Because I think Lily Allen's one of our greatest pop stars and a superb lyricist. And I don't feel at this point that my... I often find myself caught in this argument because I'm such a kind of... I'm a big fan of Lily Allen. I didn't know you had such a strong opinion on Lily Allen.

I like Lily Allen. I think she's great. I think she's fucking amazing. Yeah. We should get her on this. Oh, man. Hopefully she's done some parenting. Help us out.

I just think she's... How have you been, Lily? Well, I'm in a theatre production at the moment, so I'm not doing any parenting. This should be a Rose and Lou podcast, really. They've taken a real hit this week. But no, no, so basically, this song was playing in the background,

and then all of a sudden, I saw like an absolutely panic-stricken 21-year-old, probably a drama student graduate that's working behind the bar, harrying through, pushing people out of the way, launching themselves at their you know cassette player

or whatever it is they've got them hooked into the system but yeah that really made me laugh all parents panic and fear middle class parents

going oh my god there's a swear word on the thing oh my god oh my god theatre closed back up after it reopened 18 months in

just Andrew Lloyd Webber kicking down the door ripping it out of people's ears but yeah so that's something that happened at Lion King so that's done a bit of parenting. That's one minute 40.

No, I'll tell you about my week, Rob. Fuck, fuck. I knew it'd run dry at some point, Josh, but not now. Not when they're five and three. So I'm going... So the reason I haven't been doing much parenting... Yeah, you've left Rose. Yes, I've left Rose.

And I didn't realise... Gives us a great angle though, doesn't it? It does. Access the court system. I think it'd be a bumpy few months, but eventually when I became a kind of Lawrence Fox figure, it would get awkward. Yeah, yeah, of course. So, when I... God, imagine that being your dad.

I know, mate. God, stressful. What's your dad do I know, mate. God, stressful. What's your dad do? Stuff. He used to be an actor. Now he hates everyone. Have you heard of Lewis? Look, guys.

I think with that... How many shows are there on telly that someone's solving crimes with just one name? I know. Do you know what I mean? Like, Loohor, Lewis. There's so many crimes. Moss.

Frost. Frost. That's it. I think I've had Frost. No, what's the other one? Poirot. What's the lady one? There's a lady, Melda Staunton, and it's just, right, it's just called, like, Rose or something.

I don't know. Vera. Vera. Remember when Pauline Quirk from Birds of a Feather was in Broadchurch? I don't know. I'd never seen Broadchurch. Someone told me about Pauline Quirk. I don't know if this is true.

Go on. That she never stands up in a scene. Come on. That can't be true. Come on. Never stands up in a scene. Sorry, Rob. I wouldn't bring that up on normal weeks, but I know in the situation we're in.

Right. Don't worry. I've got a Cilla Black anecdote. Don wouldn't bring that. I'm on normal weeks, but I know in the situation we're in. Right, don't worry. I've got a Cilla Black anecdote. Don't worry about it. So Pauline Quirk. Let me do Pauline Quirk standing. Never stand. She's got to.

She can stand. I'm not saying she's like, I'm not an American president. If she can't stand, she would have been on your show. Yeah, of course. But, you know, since you've done the Paralympics and last leg for years. Yeah. If Pauline Quirk's got a disability and you don't know about it, you need to sack your researchers.

Oh, no, I wasn't saying she's got a disability. I think it was just that she... Oh, yeah, you're calling her lazy? Yeah. OK, interested. No, I think I've seen... There's loads of photos here of Pauline Quirk... Stood up.

Stood up. Yeah, look, there it is. How Pauline Quirk... Do email in if you've seen Pauline Quirk stood up. How Pauline Quirk conquered her dieting demons. What did you do, Pauline? Stand up. Sat down, not moving.

I think she's lost a bit of timber, to be fair, according to this. She's got a string of theatre schools in the Reading area that I always see adverts for when I'm on the train. Really? Yeah.

The Pauline Quirk School of Acting. Yeah. Anyway, should I tell you about my week? Apparently, Cilla Black demanded to be uplit all the time. What do you mean?

So, like, when she did TV filming, she didn't want to be lit from the top, she wanted to be lit from the bottom. What, like she's telling a ghost story? Yeah.

But, look, this could be absolute bollocks. This is a lit riot. But, apparently, she used to be uplit, which is fine

if you're on a tv set because you can design the lighting to like you in that way okay and people might go oh my god like i'm demanding how you're lit i've been out for dinner and i had selfies with a 40 year old blokes who go oh can we move here for the lighting what the fuck has happened to people fuck off mate you're 45 you've got a rugby top on from Toffs and now you're worried about the fucking lighting? He's bouncing off

your big bald head anyway. Can you believe about 20 years ago a 40-year-old bloke going, oh, can we move for the lighting? I don't even know

about the lighting and apparently I'm in the arts and telly. Apparently. But no, the reason why I've not done much parenting

is I recorded my audio book this week, Josh. How was it, Rob? I'm going to tell you what happened on the first day. We'll laugh about it. Then we'll unpack it. Right? Okay.

I went there. Yeah. And full of beans in really good space at the moment. Got there. It was a tiny audio booth. I sat down, had a panic attack, cried and had to go home. What? I know.

Rob? I've never. and had to go home. What? I know. I've never... I don't think I've had a panic attack probably ever or about 15 years ago.

Yeah. I don't really have... I suffer with a bit of anxiety, but I don't really get panic attacks. I'm sort of aware... Because also, there was no pre-nerves or anxiety at all.

Because I've done hundreds of hours of voiceover. Yeah. And I just got there and basically just all swelled up. And I think basically what it was, right? I don't know if you've got this. I didn't know these people.

They're lovely, but there's three people I've never met before. The room was tiny. Honestly, the audio box, it was like a box with no windows. It was about the size of, you know, where the bus driver sits. Yeah. It was that, but no windows and tiny where the walls were like touching my shoulders i'm not really that claustrophobic i've got a bit more claustrophobic lockdown somewhere in east london right so i went there and i think what happened was i sat down and

i so there were three trigger points right for this panic attack one was the tiny box it was too small and i i need to see a window of the producer to feed off them. So you couldn't even see them? No, I could see no one. It was just, there was a window. It looked like a kind of flat pack box that you could set up anywhere in the world and it will be perfect sound. But it was tiny.

I'm basically a chair in it. Like you were David Blaine. Smaller than that. Smaller than Blaine's box. Okay, we're talking. So anyway, I think it's good to talk about this because it happens and I think other people might feel they have similar situations.

So I'm going in bowling full of confidence. I haven't got the kids. You haven't even thought about, you haven't thought I'm stressed, you haven't? Feel good. Feel great, okay? Meeting people for drinks after, thinking I'm going to get loads of sleep,

blah, blah, blah. I know how to do voiceover. Anyway, so I think it was threefold. The tiny box, one was because I'm dyslexic and I had to go to speech therapy as a kid and I was terrible at reading out loud. I hadn't really comprehended it. You don't form an audio book, you just read it out loud.

When I do Slaves Go Dating, I sort of make it up as a guide. Yeah, you're not reading 60,000 words. No, and i just improvise and it takes two hours or whatever it's yeah you can't read a book of seven hours so yeah so dyslexic even though i've written it i'm not very good at reading especially out loud and the speech therapy i had to do so that was like a childhood trigger and then on top of that i sort of basically realized because i'm quite honest in the book and there's some upsetting parts of it I was like oh my god this book's actually gonna everyone's gonna read this or hear this and I've got to say this now out loud and I'm gonna have to say stuff that's gonna make me upset in a box in front of strangers and I can't read or speak out loud right and all this just like blew up in my head and I just got hot went red couldn't just

couldn't calm down my breathing and got all upset and then I just I went so I went outside for a walk to try and calm down and then I just went back here I was you know a rung loo and I couldn't really calm down oh my god and then I was just like right and then I calmed down a bit and I was like I'm not in the right headspace to do this today but what I would have done is years ago suppressed all those feelings yeah and got through it a bit like an emotionless robot and then it would eventually blow up in a few weeks or a few months time so I was quite proud of myself because I went back in I'm really sorry I've had a panic attack I'm gonna have to go home I can't do this so I went home

and then awful awful thing to ask Rob yeah were they recording and will it make the book fuck those mate i don't know what they could make the look in their eye it was like i've been like possessed also if you don't know me yeah of course that's the first day they met you what's the first impression what's the first impression i know yeah so because i would have in the past been really like oh my god if i don't I don't do this, people will talk and I won't get employed again. And they'll go, oh, God. But I was just like, no, it's quite a big step for me to say and admit, I've had a panic attack.

Don't worry. I'm going home and then I'll be all right tomorrow. So I went home and sort of unpacked it and I sort of was thinking about it and worked out that, oh, it's because you're nervous about talking out loud from school. I can talk all day like this. Reading out loud. school. I can talk all day like this. Reading out loud.

It's so confronting. It's so confronting because you're, like I used to get that thing when I used to have to do presentations at school and stuff. Yeah. Where my voice would go, you know, so I'd go bright red and then my voice, and you can't regulate your breathing. And suddenly you've got all your breathing.

And when I did, I did the Ford for Acaster's book. Oh, yeah. And I did it for the audio book. And I only had to read two pages. But I couldn't get my breath when I was doing it. Yeah. And they had to keep telling me to kind of calm down. And it was really, it was a weird experience.

Especially when you're so confident. I'm so confident in my job and I know I can do it. And I'll go out. You could send me out on stage for an hour with no material in front of a thousand people I wouldn't just be fine I'd love it you know yeah but I just my head completely went because what was day two like well so I went home and dealt with it but then I went in day two and the basically they did move it to a new studio which made a huge difference because it was north yeah basically we just took over um television center and i just sat in the middle no like but it had like a proper

seat and you know there was space and stuff like that and um and then yeah and it was so one of the girls was what came back from the day before and then because it was a different studio obviously you have to use the producers that are in that studio. So it was two new people. Yeah, so Charlotte and Penny and Sean were so lovely. But those people are the first studio. I've got that one and I've never seen you again. I've got a couple of salty emails there. Yeah, so that will be the only time they've ever met me, having a full panic attack and never meet me ever again.

And then they'll turn on TV and you're being chirpy on League of Their Own and they're like, this guy's got a fucking cheek. Well, exactly. But that's why in the book i have been honest about that and other times i felt like that but so i've got you you know you because you do have two sides of you can only be all chirpy but then those sort of moments happen and i think me having to admit that and say out loud because i've never really admitted it before made me get upset but anyway we changed the studio there was charl Charlotte there Sean and Penny and they were so lovely and so kind and I went in and I basically said yep sorry about yesterday I

basically had a panic attack and then it nearly happened again but I did some breathing like regulating my breathing um and because I've done therapy in the past I've rung the bloke that I spoke to in the past going mate I've had a panic attack here help me out so I chatted to him for a bit and he helped me calm it down and regulate my breathing so I went in and then I got really upset doing parts of it but then I calmed down so I've done two days of it now I see you're not finished it no so I've got one more day next week but but now I'm over that mental yeah but it would have been so easy for me when I was going home upset to go ring mate you go just get Josh or Tom Allen to do it. Or whoever wants it,

we'll pay someone to do it. I'm not doing it. But I thought, no, you've got to go back and do it. But it was really hard, but I'm going to say, it wouldn't have been easy to get me to do it,

Rob. I'm never recording a fucking audio book again in my life. But also, so like when you're reading it out though, like you read it out. I did really enjoy it to be fair, but now speaking to you, my complaints about needing some Throat's Tweets

feel very, very weak. I had a full emotional breakdown. But I needed a tune. Yeah, but then when I went in the second day and I'd sorted it all out and dealt with it, I'm like, okay, Rob, you're going to just surrender to the emotion. At points, you'll be upset reading this book but that's part of the cathartic process of letting it all out and being honest and rather than suppressing it and

lying about your feelings I was like okay I got in there and then obviously at the start of a book there's always like the dedications and I was like follow and the girl oh god but I got it together so hopefully you'll enjoy the audio book. I mean, get it out of intrigue, because I don't know what's going to be in there. I didn't do the dedications, Rob. You didn't do the dedications? Not in the audio book. No?

No. I've rather given it to an emotionally vulnerable man to do first. Get me on the banter chapter. Yeah, yeah, get you on the mock the week chapter. Yeah. Oh, this is what I want to talk to you about rob oh yes that you phoned me up oh yeah uh to uh because because they were worried about a legal note in your book yes so i had a few notes in my book come back um one for a laugh in the book i've said that you're um talking about mock the week and how like it's sometimes competitive to get to the microphone for the end.

And how hard I find it being five foot eight to walk to the microphone when you're up against Hugh Dennis and Chris Addison. Because they're all over six foot two, aren't they? Massive geezers. Dara's massive. He doesn't even have to walk to the mic, but they've still got someone massive there. But in the book, I said... He's like Pauline Quirk.

Pauline Quirk. Our Oprah and Pauline quirk are basically birds of a feather they fly together they sit together anyway so in the book i've said as a joke obviously because this isn't your height but i say it semi semi seriously poor old josh widdicombe who's only five foot three has to employ a really fast leg shuffle to get there before the others so i picked five foot three because i think people might actually believe you're five foot three yeah and then that just could be the truth i don't think they would but yes that fair enough but but if i said you were three foot two yeah of course they wouldn't believe that so i said you're five foot three but they asked me i need you to say is it

okay do you give me permission to say that you're five foot three in my book they're worried i'll sue you that potentially uh yes i i do you i do give you permission rob i would quite like you to sue me though for pr i think it'd be great for pr because i said you're so pathetic and it came back with no legal notes you said my dick's three foot four didn't you yeah exactly no there's a bit where i'm talking about my gran who used to sit and watch tv and slag everyone off right yeah and i say that these days obviously if you don't like someone on tv you can change the channel but in those days they only have four channels but i put in these days if you don't like someone in brackets romesh ranganathan rob be Beckett, et cetera.

Nice, yep. And the lawyer has come back and gone, that is totally acceptable. Really? Yeah. People do hate them. People do hate these guys. And then he described all the shows he hates about us. Yeah, he actually got on board and said,

could you flesh this out a bit more? I just want to know, what is it you hate about them? What is it you hate about those two men? Let's get down to the nitty gritty of it. Anyway, we should stop talking about books. Sorry, let me tell you about my week. I think that was a fair thing to talk about, though, because whether it is going to audiobook or... We're talking about our weeks.

We're talking about our weeks and we do digress. Yes. I've got an actual parenting thing to talk about. Okay. So before they went to Sandy Balls, I took them down to my mum and dad's, right, to visit. Yeah.

So they had swimming lessons in the morning. And then, so Lou took them swimming lessons and she was going off to see Hamilton on opening night, right? Because she's obsessed with that. I've got some bad news for you, Robert. It's been on for years. Oh, what, Hamilton?

It's not opening night, mate. No, this is a musical by Andy Hamilton, the writer of Outnumbered. Oh, okay. And the Have I Got News For You panelist. Okay, yeah. Yeah, she's just a big fan of his. So Lou took them swimming and then gave them to me.

About midday, we drove down to my mum's, okay? So obviously we're getting there a bit later. We get there about one-ish, half one. And there you have a play. My mum and dad take them to the park and to the beach. I'm doing a little bit of work. I didn't even do much parenting there, to be honest. They just took them away.

So they took them to the park, took them to the beach, and they came back and we played at my mum and dad's with the toys and stuff like that and then um so we didn't leave till about eight eight o'clock ish about half seven eight o'clock because we got there late so i bathed them at my mum's and then which i loved just a different bath yeah put them in pajamas and chucked them in the car yeah and basically i chucked him in the car about half seven they've been going to bed probably about half nine ten p.m on average right so just because it was the heat wave ruined everything basically so um they've been going to bed late because it's the summer holidays anyway i put me in the car half seven drove them home they're asleep by about quarter to eight in the car in

their pajamas got home picked them both up put them in their beds went to bed and then i was indoors by half eight quarter to nine they went to bed earlier when i'd driven them from margate than they would have in our house you know don't know i can't come down to margate and i'd disturb their sleep pattern they their sleep patterns better if i'm driving them home from margate at 7 p.m you're gonna do that every night i think i might have have to. That's our new routine. Our new bedtime routine is driving to Margate. Driving to Margate about midday, drive them home in the evening,

bedtime. And actually, I got more of an evening by driving home from Margate at half seven than I was getting by being at home with our stupid routine that don't work anymore. Oh, mate. What are you going to do? What was the next night? Did it just click back into the old routine the next night yeah they're just out crying out loud this is something i want to talk about as well i think people will appreciate this as well josh i don't

know is your daughter got an ipad or a device or anything that she we've got an ipad yeah um right so what do you have iphone headphones for it when you're out and about like if you're on a train or uh you know on holiday at breakfast or something or lunch when you're out and about like if you're on a train or uh you know on holiday at breakfast or something or lunch where you just panic and get it out or what's your rule for the ipad when does she oh rob i'll be honest with you yeah we're very lax we're very lax indeed but she's not interested in it enough for it to be problematic yes well our the ipad usage got problematic in lockdown when we would just, you know, go mental.

But now they're only allowed it weekends, the iPad. They're not allowed it during the week, so they just have it on weekends. It's on a Saturday morning when we're getting up a bit slow and lazy. Like a divorced dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, yeah, I treat their iPads

like fathers for justice. They've got Superman and Batman. I have once more access to the child. And during the week, I take their iPads and put them on the top of St. Paul's Cathedral. Anyway, so what we do is they've started having the iPad quite loud, like in the car or in the house. So we've got some headphones.

And I think the rule should be, if they're out in public, in your house, it's up to you, but, like, if they're out in public or they're at, like, a dinner table or a lunch table near you at a theme park or a hotel, they should have their headphones in. They can't just have it loud. Yeah, yeah, I understand. That's not acceptable, don't you think?

Yeah, I totally, totally buy that. Because it's not like it's expensive for headphones, is it? No, exactly, although I've just lost mine. But yes. Oh, no. Really? Yeah. Where'd you lose them? Oh, well, I'll tell you all about it.

It's probably been my tough old week. But carry on. So what's the situation? Well, the situation is, I don't think... Can I say... Yeah, of course. Get him some headphones or turn that... That's rude, isn't it?

I think you can say get the headphones. I think there needs to be a movement. What, in the world? I think there needs to be an acknowledgement. If your child's out at the table. Oh, with other children? Yeah, not mine. Oh, sorry.

I'll either make them have it really low so they can't hear it at all. I don't want to be listening to Bing when I'm in Pizza Express. No, exactly. At least bluey. Something I like. But I just think that is really rude but i think as a parent sometimes you forget that your kid's doing that and it's because it's like yeah you know i remember being in a restaurant on holiday and before i had kids

and a parent just getting the ipad out for their kid at dinner. And I remember vividly thinking, I would never do that. That is bad parenting. Engage, chat, let your child be in the moment. And I have changed. I just can't believe I was ever such a twat. Also as well, you go like, no, you're not allowed your iPad. And then me and Lou once said that to him

and we sat back in our chairs and got our phones out and looked at it. And exactly you're like what the fuck's going on it's just because it's smaller don't mean it's all right yeah yeah i've got some texts i've got to look at instagram but you you you need to engage in doing that coloring please because your brain is forming i just need to make sure if anyone's liked my photo of me at a beach from yesterday actually so i am tired oh yeah let's talk about your week and then i've got From yesterday, actually. So, I am tired. Oh, yeah.

Let's talk about your week. And then I've got Instagram messages, Josh. Okay, cool. We can go through. Why are you tired, Josh? You've been busy, haven't you? Well, I'm working every night, Rob. Until 11pm. Right?

And then I'm not getting to sleep till 1pm. So, hang on. Talk me through your day. Because this started on Tuesday. So, this is going out a week. So, you're a week into this. Getting into midday. So, how many days in a row is this you're doing?

This is 12, 13. 13, so you're halfway through now. No, I'm not. This is day four that we're recording on. Oh, we're recording on day four, but when people hear this, you'll have been about a week into it, another week to go. Yeah. Okay. So this is your day, every day.

So getting at midday, live 10 to 11, then I'm not able to sleep for a good two hours. So get to sleep at one yeah and then my son wakes himself up by shitting himself awake at 5 a.m like all the best do like all the best do i'm looking at four hours a night rob so okay i've had to implement can you not sleep in and rose it looks like oh is it just they'll wake you up because it's in the room with you he's in the room with me okay yeah's in the room with me. Okay, yeah. So you can't really sleep through the sort of shit and the screaming.

I'm ending up using the morning to do stuff because I haven't got any time in the day. Like this podcast or meetings. Like this podcast. Exactly. Admin.

Exactly. Life admin. So I had to ask the production at Last Leg because we're at a different studio. Normally there's a sofa in my dressing room but the dressing room at this studio which is a sports studio is tiny because apparently

retired footballers never go in their own dressing rooms they don't like their own company so they go straight to the green room i noticed that on like league of their own and things like freddie and jamie you know they're always like a load of them all together they don't like sitting on their own they don't like to be left with their own thought they would not enjoy recording an audiobook let's put it that way no exactly sorry as well for a lot of them that's the first time they've they know what's in it exactly exactly they're finding out as the reader is a lot of them get alistair mcgowan to do it as them um so i had to ask for a um i've had to ask for a temporary bed to be put in my dressing room, Rob.

Oh, so you can, I've seen the photo. It's like, so I'll just send you the photo. So it's an inflatable single mattress. Yeah. So this is my bedding now.

This is my bedroom. How often are you getting to lie on this mattress? I had half an hour's nap yesterday afternoon. Okay. So it's not like you get there at midday and sleep till six. No, because then I might as well not turn up to work. But whenever you get 20, so on your lunch break, you basically go to sleep on the floor. I go to sleep on the floor of my dressing room.

Oh, mate, there's that fridge above your head. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. No, well, exactly. Imagine Roy Keane sitting in there. Bear in mind, Rob, my dressing room is so small that the mattress is pressed up against both walls at either end. Like there's no room. Josh, you look like you've been sex trafficked. So that's what I do in my life now.

I live basically in this small room where I sleep in the afternoons. So you could have been in Tokyo in a lovely hotel room. I know they have small rooms in Tokyo, but this is a new level. And I'm so tired, Rob. And so you're not doing much parenting in the morning? So I'm getting up, yeah, because I want to see my children. School run? That's the thing.

I haven't done the school run. No. No. But this morning I did help my daughter. Her two best friends are leaving nursery today, Rob, to go to school. Yeah, because she's not going to. No, she's not going to next year. She's just the wrong side of the September cutoff.

Oh, so she's going to be really old when she goes to school, isn't she? Yeah, she's 24. You know what you are? You're like damp. You just sneak up on me with jokes you think it's out of nowhere no it's funny it's really good stuff josh great delivery out and over i can't see it coming but you don't think it's coming and then it's there again it's there again just when you least expect it you come out of nowhere exhausted, croaky voice. I don't know, I'm doing it myself.

I don't remember saying it. No, it's just muscle. It's just falling out of you. You've got nothing left to give. You're like an old retired boxer that's still got a haymaker. It comes at you slow but it's still got the power. So I, um, this morning I was making cards for

friends. It was their last day. She was fine emotionally and I started crying, Rob. I just started crying because they were leaving. They're not my friends. Do you know them? I'm not to go for a pint with, but I know them. Come on, they're 24. They know their way around the Lambrini.

I know them. Come on, they're 24. They know their way around the Lambrini. I know them. Yeah. They're very nice young girls, but they're four. That sounds weird. I don't know what to say. They're very lovely girls. You cannot say that young girls are nice. That sounds like an absolute pervert. No, they're very

lovely young women. They're very good friends to my daughter. Right? Oh, that's a good friends to my daughter right oh that's a good way yeah um but i just burst into tears because they were leaving nursery what did what did your daughter say was she guy she didn't even really notice i don't think because she was too kind of interested in sticking this stuff to the card yeah i'm just crying away about the sands of time slipping between my fingers so basically what we're saying is we've done no parenting this week, really, because of work. We've done bits of it, but we've both emotionally had a breakdown.

Yeah, you've broken down in a sound booth, and I'm sleeping on a floor and bursting into tears about two four-year-olds. And I thought my life turned out well. This is success, Rob. This is what success tastes like. It tastes like 22. There is going to be a recording of me having a panic attack.

There's going to be a recording of you having a panic attack. And there's CCTV of me on a fucking lilo that doesn't fit in a room listening to a John and Ellis podcast so that I can go to sleep. It looks like prison for teenagers, where it's not as bad as prison. But you haven't got... Prisoners would have more in their cell than that, at least an Xbox and a telly. I didn't think that being in TV would involve,

if needing to work in your dressing room, having to stand up your Lilo so that you could pull your chair out to sit at the desk. The Lilo. And then a bit into production, I was like, are they going to, can I leave my lilo in my dressing room overnight? There's no one else.

Because I don't want like tomorrow, Steve McManaman. You're not pumping it up every day, are you? No, but what if they move my dressing room? Steve McManaman walks in, he's got my lilo. Do you know what I mean? He'd love that.

He'd love it, yeah. He'd probably have to go and try and find John Barnes to share it with. Can't lay on his own. Oh, so is she all right about the kids moving, though? But you just, it's just you. She doesn't seem to give a shit. No.

The thing is, that is, I think Paloma Faith said it on this show. The kids are much more hardy than the parents. We're the problem. Yeah, of course. They don't care. They can't give a fuck. And I'm crying away as we make a picture with pressed flowers. I think this is normal, though,

but I just don't think people normally talk about it. Yeah. I hope so. If you go to the pub, you know, how was your week? You were, you know, like, oh, I burst into tears making a card for my daughter's friends. Okay. All right. But then I toughened up after I'd had my nap on the floor of a dressing room.

How's the audio book going, Rob? Yep. Up and down. Getting some words done, getting crunching through those pages. Jesus Christ. What are we doing? All right, some Instagrams. Should we do some Instagrams?

Yeah, I think so, yeah. And then we'll do small business shout outs and then we'll rack up for this. I did have something else to tell you, but I can't remember what it is. You can save it for Friday. I don't know if I'll still be with us on Friday, Rob. Oh, I've got some Japanese children stories here.

Have you? We're talking about Tokyo and the Paralympics. Here we go. This is from Eleanor. My youngest son's dad is Japanese. We are separated but very good mates. He has insisted that I must keep our little boy Ken's umbilical cord in a special box.

Oh, no. If Ken ever goes to war, question question mark he must take a piece of it with him for protection as a connection to his mother and the other piece must be buried with me when i die oh my god apparently this is in tradition in japan yeah well fair enough i'm not gonna obviously have a go at the japanese tradition but that is it do you know actually i am that's insane that's too much admin he's gone to war make sure you've got a gun not an umbilical cord going to war with an umbilical cord i know that is literally the last thing you need right i've got my water bottle backpack gun bit of my mum's body and my body i don't know where the car is that thing when you're going to war

and you're chopping the umbilical cord into two and deciding which bit to keep. Well, basically, this is Eleanor says, periodically when he comes to see the kids, he does a cord check to make sure I still have got it, just in case there's a war. Why doesn't he keep hold of it? And then if Ken Jr. goes to war, then he'll be able he'll be able to know if his dad's called ken as

well well who's ken ken's the kid i'm sorry i thought yeah obviously i didn't want to bring it up but ken for a ken for a baby is funny in it right anyway so what they've said is so eleanor said so as if a couple of years is a big deal i have to keep it for eternity the umbilical cord is literally going to be buried with me. But surely the dad can't vet that. That's Japan. The dad can't vet that. The mum dies.

The dad, who they've since split up, can't go. You're going to have to bury that umbilical cord. I do think if you get separated, maybe some of the traditions, because that's a tradition for the mum and the son. Yeah. You can't start bowling. I mean, I don't want to get involved. I don't know.

I mean, I'm wading into a big Japanese patriarchy. Yeah. Do you know in Japan, I think it's Japan, that if you get a cab home from work after a work night out, they drop off the most senior person first, and it goes down in hierarchy, not where everyone lives.

Yeah. I don't know whether I should have implemented that on my tour. Definitely, yeah. I think that implemented that on my tour. Definitely. Yeah. I think that's allowed on the tour, isn't it? Well, yeah,

but I was just too polite, Rob. Or just get someone who lives near you. But I do. Yeah. No, no. If you go past the house,

that's fine. Don't go out their way. You're just a Japanese guy when it comes to touring. Well, I'm not, I want to be, but I'm too polite. That's the problem.

I do think dropping someone off when they live in Walthamstow and you live in East London, I would do that. Yeah. And drop them off first. Yeah. I think that is fair, and I think you're a good man for that. Thanks, mate. I needed that.

I think burying your child with an umbilical cord or burying yourself. That's a different level. I think a mum gets the umbilical cord when, yeah. Imagine forgetting it at the funeral. Oh, my God. I'm just going'm sending someone back up to pop the umbilical cord what drawer is that i think it's in i think it's in the spare key drawer where is it it's by the batteries i just don't understand why she's got to keep i suppose you

don't want to hand over your umbilical cord to your ex i don't think that's top of your list no there's other things going on there isn't it like the dog who gets the car cds the house yeah the cds was a bad example the CDs but when you got divorced in 97 right here we go

we've got who's going to get the copy of Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette so your references are mental that's such a

I forgot that existed but I knew you said 1997 no but I know I'm saying it's a good one how you can go to 1997 pick out an album I forgot existed and not only do I remember it I know it is a good one. How you can go to 1997, pick out an album I forgot existed,

and not only do I remember it, I know it is a huge album, and it's got a mental name. That is peak Widdicombe. You don't get better than that. Do you know what I mean? That's like Beckham curling one in straight on someone's nut. That is vintage Widdicombe. Thanks, mate.

Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Peel. He's on fire, the guy. He's so tired. the guy he's so tired right he's so tired here we go just want to back up Rob's story about how hot it was at the Lion King, I was at the same performance as Rob and I'm 8 months pregnant

and had to climb to the cheap seats at the top needless to say I was a sweaty mess well I think they're stairs yeah, she might have a bit of a pooling quirk about her had to climb to the cheap seats at the top and to be fair it is steep so if you're 8 months pregnant well I think they're stairs yeah she might have a bit of a pooling quirk about her yeah and to climb to the cheap seats

at the top and to be fair it is steep so if you're eight months pregnant that is a climb I'd say I'm backtracking did you see that Josh

completely backtracking oh yeah she's eight months pregnant I'd forgotten she was eight months pregnant I take it all back if she's eight months pregnant that is a climb if you're not pregnant get over it

get exercising stop whinging but I'm going to let Laura from Worthing off here she's pregos need it need us to say i was a sweaty mess before the show even started i've been a fan of the podcast from the very beginning and loved every episode please keep us all parenting keep all parents laughing and on the edge of sanity talking i've been hot josh i had another terrible experience when i went to the view cinema in eltham. I love the View Cinema.

You're such a celeb, aren't you, Rob? The View Cinema in Eltham. The View in Bromley has got the best seats ever. They're like lazy boys, right? The ones in Eltham isn't as good, right? I'll be honest with you, the View. I don't want to throw this about. Also, it's very steep and it was very hot.

Yeah. I went on a summer's evening to watch Avengers and it was complete. I forgot how full cinemas are on a weekend in the evening because normally I go you know midday in an industrial estate in Cardiff on tour yeah I'm glad you added on tour it just sounded like go there that's one of your things yeah also I really enjoyed that yawn mid anecdote don't worry about it I'm so fucked Rob anyway let me let me finish this right so he went to elton view my mate jackal vouch for this yeah it was full and it was steep and i had a coat on me right and then i bought some ice cream okay like ben and jerry's little ice cream tub and i walked up and i had literally

as i walked into the the uh the cinema i'd sweat on my forehead you know it immediately starts beating up yeah and then i got there and then as i sat down my my ice cream was already melting right and i couldn't get my coat off because the seats were so so tight i was sweating to put it dripped off my nose into my ice cream and i was speed eating because it was basically turning into a drink anyway i got at the end i had to drink it before the film even started and then eventually i couldn't get my coat off so i sat there sweating and just slept through the whole thing woke up and i looked like i've been to the gym i had to wring my shirt out and i missed the whole film have i ever told you about the first time i went to the cinema

what they were down in devon me yeah stop me if i've told you i went to see ghostbusters 2 right classic yeah i was very excited i bought a ghostbusters 2 jumper to go to seeing ghostbusters 2, right? Classic. Yeah, I was very excited. I bought a Ghostbusters 2 jumper to go to see in Ghostbusters 2. I love merch. Keep talking. And then, so we went to the Alexandra Cinema in Newton Abbott, which is a shithole. Is it a shithole? Or is it cute now? Newton Abbott's where Charlie Baker's

from. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. I didn't know he lived in downtown Tokyo. Newton Abbott, I wouldn't describe as the nicest town in Devon, but I wouldn't describe it as the worst. But it's got a great cinema. Newton Abbot, Alexandra Theatre. Cinema, is it? Yeah.

Let's have a little look at it. I don't think it's still there. It looks like a church. Yeah, it's a one screen. It's a one screener and it's tiny. It's got Paw Patrol on at midday then candy man at five yeah and at eight if you'd said it's still got ghostbusters 2 on i wouldn't have been completely surprised let's put it that way it doesn't look it's not really a cinema in the sense of like

a multiplex it's basically an old church that they've converted isn't it yes but it's all red and velvety though it must have been exciting to go as a child it looks like a cinema the problem was rob it doesn't look like a cinema. The problem was, Rob. It doesn't look like a cinema, Josh. No, I didn't know what a cinema looked like. I'd never been to a cinema. It's a church. It's a cinema.

It's a cinema. It's a church of a telly. It's the church of Hollywood. A cinema. Right. Okay, yes, of course. So you went there. Yeah.

And I was going with my friend, Thomas Bosons, and his family, the Bosonses, right? Oh, the old Bosos. The Bosos. And they'd all been to the cinema there. Yeah. And I was going with my friend, Thomas Bosons and his family, the Bosons is right. Oh, the old Bosos, the Bosos. And, um, they'd all been to the cinema before.

Yeah. I'd never been to the cinema. I was embarrassed. I'd never been to the cinema before. So about, well, whenever that came out about seven or eight, maybe.

Okay. So I lied and said, I'd been to the cinema before. Would you think you could get away with, right? Yeah. But I gave it away. away uh when we all sat down and i was a foot higher than everyone else because i hadn't realized that the seats folded down

with your massive blonde afro just way above everybody else on top of the seat so you're sat there and are you thinking oh oh, I'm a bit high. What's going on here? Yeah. Did they tell you or did you work it out? Well, no. Due to the balancing, it then just flipped down. You just took your balance.

I was balanced on top. Like watching a film on a skateboard. Yeah. It just flipped down. Yeah. And amazingly, it flipped down and I was then sat on the seat in a normal manner. It was not... It looked like you was doing a kickflip exactly oh josh but you managed to style it out i styled it out i don't know whether they ever realized

that i'd never been to the cinema before but that stayed with you should never lie rob never lie always be honest always be honest um i think we've been honest and i think to be fair we've done pretty well here considering we've done very little parenting because of work commitments this week um we've i think we've done a good episode josh yeah i think it's been excellent i've got a um small business shout out should we do some of those yeah let's do a small business shout out this is from chloe cockett that's a tough name it's called chloe cockett literally spelt cock with an e double t oh at least it's e double t rather than it true it could have been worse it could have been a lot worse um okay to rob and josh um i would love you to give my boyfriend small business a shout

it's just my boyfriend's small cockett a small i would love you to give my boyfriend small business a shout out. He has a wet fish shop slash fishmongers called cod and lobster located in scarborough the shop sells a wide range of fresh fish and lots of shellfish live lobsters live crab dress crab oysters and more people can check us out on both instagram at cod and lobster on facebook at cod and lobster scarborough he opened the shop at the end of april 2021 he did the majority of work himself and he has worked so hard on it. I'm so proud of him. If you ever both venture up north, be sure to pop in,

and I'm sure we can sort you both out with amazing fresh seafood. Thank you, Chloe Cockett. Big shout-out to Cod and Lobster on Instagram and Facebook. There we go. And do you know what, Rob? Yeah? I think we can all say you read that out very well. Some of us were worried about how it was going to turn out.

Yeah, that was okay. I read it out. See, I'm not good at reading out, am I? I thought you did a good job. Yeah, but that was one paragraph about fishmongers. Imagine 70,000 words about your life. I'm going to say it, Rob. I was definitely going to get the audio book.

After listening to that last 30 seconds, I'm less sure. I might just read the hard copy. Just read it unless you want a crying man talking at you i don't think they'll put the crying in oh i'm on cod and lobster instagram looks blinding well done is it a way i didn't know they now called a wet wet fish shop what's a wet fish shop well she said wet fish shop slash uh fishmong. Is wetfish stop trying to be like posh rather than fishmonger? I don't know. You're absolutely fishmonger. No one's ever called anything else a monger, are they?

Iron monger, fishmonger. Iron monger. Banta monger. Yeah. That's you. Laugh monger. I'm a laugh monger. Are you a laugh monger?

I'm a panic monger. I'm a crying monger. I'm a panic cry go home monger but it happens to the best of us people it's all about the comeback do you know what i'll tell you about a funny panic on friday rob i'll tell you about where i had a panic attack once and you'll enjoy that go on hi rob and josh love your podcast yep i pre-ordered both your books today after listening to the episode where josh read the top 10 list in the sunday times josh i am committed to helping you keep your stiff neck and beat the anglo-saxons yes i wanted to ask if you give my mom's business a shout out she's a retired family chiropractor based in

maidstone kent recently launched her company baby support group it does what it says on the tin really provide support to parents or babies or parents of babies specifically nought to six months five pounds a session for two hours of talking bonding and her answering your questions that would be very helpful at that stage i think oh nice these topics are guided by the parents and the atmosphere is so relaxed and supportive any kids are welcome to her mission is to pass on 30 years of experience working with families to parents who are maybe a bit scared at the reality of parenthood

and how little they know. She has so much knowledge, so much to give and is honestly amazing. I would love to see lots of love directed her way. The website is www.babysupportgroup.com

Lovely. And she's a retired chiropractor. A chiropractor will sort your stiff neck out. Mate, i need that yeah and so it's worrying that amanda said i'm committed to helping you keep your stiff neck that's the absolute opposite of what her mom is wanting to do next time you're down in bromley you go and see my man adil and he'll sort your neck out mate chiropractor extraordinaire there

we go um you'll sort your neck out um right thank you very much for listening people we'll be back on friday with another episode until then um just sort of you know live your life basically yeah and if you're having a panic attack don't worry you can come back again the next day it's all right exactly if there's no enemy within the eminent enemy outside can do you no harm that's the same yeah yeah also if you go to a cinema do do put the seats down that'd be my tip and unfortunately i had lots of enemy within that day which is yeah for that quiet um see you on friday bye