Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP17: Dreams do come true...

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP17: Dreams do come true...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The clicker around the room! You guys just about finished?

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicam. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping.

Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello and you are listening to parenting hell with can you say rob beckett and josh Widdicombe. There we go. There we go. The very, very broad definition of good there. I'd say Beckett got nailed. It's an easier word for kids. But Widdicombe got lost a bit in the fury.

Yeah, exactly. But that's always that's like the, you know. It's a cross you have to bear as a Widdicombe. It is, mate. The other cross I used to have to bear as a Widdicombe it is mate the other cross I used to have to bear as a Widdicombe was always being at the end of the register oh

I bet your ego didn't like that it didn't mate occasionally you disappear off the end when you had the bloody when they'd print it out on a piece of paper and there'd only be 25 kids

you'd make the paper you'd be on the other side didn't even make the register mate oh and it's a tough tough name to spell at a young age. Whittaker. Very tough.

Very tough. You've had it hard. Do you want to hear another disappointing thing, Rob? What's that? I have literally no information on that. That's just a sound file that Michael sent me. Really? So no name, no location, nothing?

Nothing. That could be any child saying our names at any point. Have we got anything more on it, Michael? Let me just check. One second. It should have been on there. Oh, dear. Look, don't start throwing...

I quite like the mystery. You're throwing Michael under the bus here, Josh. I heard your belly rumbling. You just had a sip of tea at a point when it wasn't quick enough to have a sip of tea. Did you have a sip of tea? I didn't actually have a sip of tea. I am literally about to have a sip of tea. Oh, maybe I knew.

We're so in tune. But I genuinely thought it wasn't Michael's fault. I thought we'd just received an anonymous tip off. An anon. An anon. Maybe they don't want the fame. Maybe they don't want the fame. They can't deal with it.

And that's a good approach. I mean, it's not all what it's cracked up to be. You know, sometimes you just want to put a voice note on a podcast and not exactly it's like banksy isn't it she's like the banksy of the uh child saying the name thing exactly i'm putting moisturizer on my face can you hear that no no because that doesn't there's no such sound is there it must it's not silent is it moisturizer on a face let me do it near the mic yeah i can slightly hear that yeah why are you doing that have you got a chapped face um no i basically run out of moisturizer um in in the house but by my desk in the um the office shed

office i've got a little moisturizer pot because i'm a i'm a 21st century man josh what's your what's your routine rob what's your grooming routine i actually i didn't have a moisturizer routine but then i looked at my face and I looked so old and I thought, do you know what, Rob, let's fucking step it up. If you want to peak at 40, you've got to put the work in now.

So Lou set me up a skincare regime and I looked incredible for about three weeks. Then I sort of forgot to do it because it got busy. But now the kids are back at school. I'm going to get a regime on the, on the go, Josh. It's just when you're getting home late from a gig,

you're just not going to moisturise, Rob. You're not going to moisturise. You're barely going to brush your teeth. I know. It was a six-stage regime, Josh. Oh, mate. I don't know what was involved, but Lou labelled it all for me. And do you know what?

When I was into it, when I was into my regime, I was getting compliments on my skin josh i've never had yeah rob you look good what's that from just edit everyone with more women than men i really really appreciate the regime i've noticed they really they you know game recognizes game when it comes to it the effort being put in because sometimes i feel a bit you know like these love island people and oh, all they do is just look beautiful, all these Instagrammers. Do you know how hard it is to look beautiful? I try, Rob.

I try my best. The effort they go to. It's Botox, and it's regime, then it's getting their teeth done. It's hair straightening. The gym. What do you want to eat? The food. Oh, it's good on them.

They've earned that. Exactly, Rob. Thank God we've got smarts in our heads so we don't need to do that. I wouldn't mind being a bimbo for a bit. The thing about Rob is he's sexy, but he's got nothing else in the locker. I'd take that as a compliment. Here's a question. Do you think if you looked like someone from Love Island,

if you were one of Britain's handsomest men, do you think that would have adversely affected your stand-up career? Yeah, I think the odd look I've got helps get jokes across the line. And do you know what? I'd probably be so busy pulling birds, I wouldn't even bother doing gigs. Do you know what I mean? You've got a lot of spare time on your hands when you're an ugly teenager.

When you're fat and obese as a teenager, options are limited. And I think maybe I wouldn't have had this work ethic if I was getting some. Yes, of course. Do you know what I mean? Of course. Because, you know, when you're knee deep in it, the last thing you want to do is drive to Dundee for a free gig, isn't it?

This is the earliest we've gone on a tangent. We've not even said the name of the people who did this. So it is Megan Fleming. Oh, Flemo. How's she doing? She's good. That is Pip, who is age two and a little chatterbox. Megan Fleming. Oh, Flemo. How's she doing? She's good. That is Pip, who is age two and a little chatterbox. Pip Fleming.

Pip Fleming. Pip Fleming sounds like a weird sport they do in a village. You know, they go, oh, coming out is the Pip Fleming. The kind of thing you imagine I did when I was growing up in Devon. Basically, you get the Pip from something and gob it the furthest. Wouldn't say no to watching that. If I got home and it was on Sky Sports at 11.30pm. I imagine as well, it's a big bearded fat guy in a massive fleece,

really short denim shorts, skinniest legs you've ever seen, with the belly of a barrel and then massive boots, gobbing pips everywhere, fleming it up left, right and centre. But anyway, lovely name. Pippa Fleming. Pippa is a lovely name. And you can't do anything about Fleming. You're stuck with it.

Like I'm stuck with Widdicombe. Yeah, you're stuck with it. You've got to deal with that, mate. And also, you know, you've had a boy. So old school says the name goes on. Obviously, it's 2021 now. So you can double barrel it, can't you've had you've had a boy so old school says the name goes on obviously it's 2021 now so you can double barrel it can't you if you want so now the widower lives on if you're going old school i know look guys it's a modern world you don't have to take someone's surname anymore no that you know or you can go double barreled do you know what i mean because it's a

bit sexist isn't it well yeah there was a lot of talk of rose going double barrel but she's never really gone through with it no a lot of chat a lot of talk of Rose going double barrel, but she's never really gone through with it. No, a lot of chat early doors from Lou, but I think she realised my surname was better than hers, so she took it. Beckett, she's a Watts. I don't think it's weak, the surname Watts, isn't it? Watts. Well, Charlie Watts, obviously.

I don't think he was, you know, his name helped his drumming. No, no, exactly. That's why he was a drummer. Jaggerger lead man you know me richard's one step below what you're at the back of the queue um but that one thing i do find a bit sexist about weddings which is still a thing even you know a lot of the strongest feminists is your dad giving you away that's just the wording of it is so, Josh, let me get my neck stiff for a bit. I think it's problematic.

Oh, lovely, Rob. Do you like that? Do you know what, Rob? After, you know, you were heralded for being honest about mental health last week. You really are a renaissance man. You really are Britain's 21st century man, aren't you? You've come a long way since the Euros, Rob. I think I'm completing the full

circuit of a UK comedian. You start off funny, then you get stiff, and then you want to be taken seriously. But I'm going to shake that off. It's happened so quickly. It's literally happened in the space of a month. Do you know what? I might go on Question Time. Once I get some views, I haven't got any yet.

I got asked to go on Question Time. Are you going to do it? No, I'm not. I turned it over once, saw Romesh on it. I went, what the fuck are you doing here? I'm like, Romesh, come on, mate. We all know you like TV, but this is taking the biscuit, isn't it? You don't have to do this one. Come on, mate.

I'm not getting ritually destroyed on Twitter and in the room for 200 quid. I'd rather do a shift at the fucking market than go to Newpool and be shouted at at midnight. I genuinely can't imagine anything worse than turning up to question time. Oh, I'm getting itchy thinking about it. Nigel Farage is sat there and he's got all the fucking stats at his fingertips. And then, you know, there's like you. And then, and they come to you first on a topic. And it's the week.

I mean, imagine, Rob, you're booked for question time. First time goes up. What are we going to do about Afghanistan? This one goes to Rob Beckett. Are you fucking kidding me? Probably leave it for a bit. Just go to the Canary Islands this summer for another day. What?

Oh, I'm sorry. You mean politically? Okay, I've got nothing on it. I can't do question time. One, I don't really know anything. Two, I'm sorry. You mean politically? Okay, I've got nothing on it. I can't do question time. One, I don't really know anything. Two, I don't really care. And three, it's just a big long wank, isn't it, for clever people?

I'll tell you what, this is what, I'll talk about our kids and parenting in a minute, but that's why we can't do politics because we did this, we both separately went on This Week with Andrew Neil years ago. Do you remember that? Do I remember it, Rob?

I've started cold sweating thinking about it. Because I did it and I found it quite hard work. I was on with Alex Salmond and, you know, he was a bit more of a hot topic than I was. So I just sort of sat back and listened. But you went on it. And I do remember you getting a bit unstuck on that political debate show. I would say it's still the worst thing that's ever happened to me on TV.

The only good thing about it is... Is it still available online? Yeah, it's still on YouTube. Do seek it out. The only good thing about it is, Rob, occasionally, about once a year, you'll do something like a chat show or a panel show and they'll say, have you ever had a TV disaster? And you go, I'll wheel

this one out. I reckon I've got... The one positive about this week is i have got 15 separate tv appearances out of playing that video yeah because basically you you you get asked about going to school and you accuse michael portillo and diane abbott accuses a big word okay you implied that michael portillo and diane abbott went to private schools not diane abbott i was aware diane abbott didn't but i said michael portillo did yeah and the thing about you implied that Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott went to private schools. Not Diane Abbott. I was aware Diane Abbott didn't, but I said Michael Portillo did.

Yeah. And the thing about Michael Portillo is he fucking skewers people. He is an absolute top level operator. You can't, there's no flies on him. He knows everything. You accused him of going to private school and he literally bent you over, pull your trousers down and slap your ass and sent you away which was what i imagined happened at his private school

he didn't go to and i got there and they said do you want uh we want you to talk about accents and whether it affects the workplace i was like what the fuck do i know about that here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line.

What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. Anyway, Josh, we talk about our weeks.

How's your week been? You are the busiest man in TV at the moment. Every time I turn the telly on, you're on it. The Paralympics. Well, look, I've got to deal with my work-life balance. I'm aware of that. I think the legacy of 2012 was your workload. Mate, genuinely. So I've only had little

bits of time off in the mornings, right? Because obviously we're going to... This is how tired I am. Normally after last leg, I can't get to sleep till one or two. Yeah, I'm the same. I've started doing gigs again and I'm not going to sleep until about two o'clock

because I come off stage about 20 past 10. I'm so tired, Rob, that I'm finishing Last Leg at 11pm, right? It was being filmed eight minutes from my house. I was asleep by half 11 most nights.

Okay, so how many days in a row did you do? It's done now, isn't it? 12 days in a row of live show at 10 to 11. But the worst thing that happened was I had a fall, Rob. You had a fall? No, you're too young for a fall.

You fell over. I fell over one morning, jogging. In the park. I thought, I'll go for a jog. Was the car following you? Did the chauffeur get out and pick you up? Like Richie Rich? Wipe your arse, did he?

Pop you in the high chair? So I was jogging in the park. Yep. And I went from the grass to the gravelly path. Yep. The gravelly tarmac-y path. And I caught my toe on the... Are you barefoot?

No, I caught the toe. All right. Yeah, I run like I'm Diana Vickers. Them little, like, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle socks. You know, those shoes people wear. Yeah, I've got to have them. Little toe pockets. They're creepy.

Oh, they scream nonce, don't they? Those sock shoes. So I had a fall, Rob. Yeah. I went down, I caught my toe of my shoe on the stone lip

around the grassy area. Do you know like, I can imagine it. I went down with such impact that the two people that were walking the other way on the path,

you know how you're not meant to react when a child falls? How you're meant to keep a straight face? They did not keep... They acted... They looked so concerned.

They kept asking me if I was okay. And when I said I was and I walked off, they said they were going to watch me walk off because they were worried that I had a concussion because I'd hit my head. Did you bang your head then? I banged my head. You banged your head then? I banged my head. I'll show you.

I'll send you some pictures now. Okay. So this is... Oh, Josh. This is my knee. Oh, God. Fucking hell. How did you...

You bang it in three different places. Yeah, because I skidded along the path. How fast can you run? I was surprised. It does look like I've been going about. You've fallen off a motorbike. This is my shoulder and my elbow. Oh, my God.

Also, a topless pic from Josh Willikin there. Yeah, enjoy that. Your shoulder and elbow. Yeah, you scratched that as well. Even my head, Rob. Fucking hell, Joe. You look like you've been kicked in. It was mad.

So then I was walking home. I'd gone, I'll go for 15, I've got 15 minutes before I need to get in the shower to go. So you walked home after the fall? Yeah, but by now I knew I was obviously going to be late because I was hobbling home. So I had to phone them and go, you're going to have to put the meeting back

because I've had a fall in the park. And then I hobbling home. So I had to phone them and go, you're going to have to put the meeting back, because I've had a fall in the park. And then I'm walking home. It's our last of the Summer Prime's production meeting. We're going to have to push it back. He's had a fall. A 70-year-old woman, or old woman, stopped me in the street to ask if I was okay, and asked whether she needed to go and get her first aid kit from her house.

Just because she saw you walking along? Just because she saw me walking along with blood coming out of my knee. Look at Shellshock Soldier. Shuffling back from the docks. Yeah. It was genuinely... I found it quite shocking to experience, to be honest. Also, you must be pumped how fast she can run.

Yeah, too right, mate. But you're all right now? Yeah, I'm fine. But that was, that was kind of the biggest moment of my week,

really. yeah, of course. Because everything else was work. So, I have hardly seen my children,

Rob. And you're what, you're on another job now, aren't you? I'm on another job now. I'm now, Rob. Yeah.

I'm filming at Alton Towers. Tough day at the office? Yeah, well, so I'm in a, obviously, I'm staying at Alton Towers. Tough day at the office. Yeah, well, so I'm in a, but obviously I'm staying in the Alton Towers hotel.

Yeah. But I haven't got any children, but I've got a bunk bed in my room and an Xbox. Oh, what? I'm just going to send you

my view now, currently, of my room. You're living the life, mate. Oh, yeah, that's a bit like the Legoland place we went to. Yeah. So, yeah so yeah then the bunk beds around the corner of a little telly that's exactly the same setup as the the lego land one anyway so you're in that hotel you're

filming yeah so i'm doing that and then i'm going home tomorrow and then um yeah and then um and then my tour starts on thursday rob And I've got a wedding in between. When's the wedding? Wednesday? Oh, no, my tour starts Friday. I've got a wedding on Thursday. Thursday wedding, and then Friday tour, and then is that Zoe Ball, Dudley Day?

That's the Dudley Day. Thankfully, Zoe Ball's been moved back a week, Rob. Oh, God. All the Dudley people are going to be annoyed now that you've had sleep. I know. It's a shame for the people at Dudley thinking that I was going to be absolutely insane on the night.

In fact, I'm just going to be quite pedestrian and a bit rusty. To be fair, I think you could stop the sentence at it's a shame for the people in Dudley. I don't think you need any more. I'm excited to go back on tour, though. It's great. I've been doing it, and I absolutely love it you need any more. I'm excited to go back on tour, though. It's great. I've been doing it, and I absolutely love it.

It's amazing. You do notice the different excitement levels of the days of the week, where Sundays are quite a vibe. Everyone's a bit hungover. But I'm being so grouchy in the morning because I'm not getting to sleep until about half one, two, because I can't calm down. The kids are up at seven. I'm just in another dimension.

Oh, God. So you've not really seen your kids? at seven. I'm just like in another dimension. Oh, God. So you've not really seen your kids? No. So I've seen them in the mornings, but that's it really. It's really weird. So you feel very disconnected, if I'm honest with you. Yeah. I don't like it at all.

And you are tired because you're working a lot, but you can never mention that or say it out loud, your partner with the children. No, exactly. Exactly. ever mention that or say it out loud your partner with the children no exactly exactly um it's it's been uh it's been a weird experience to be honest with you and and next week rob i've got to the books out next week so it's all pr oh yes it's constant so i'm so busy and that's really tiring because you're going from pillar to post all day, every day. Yeah, I'll be honest with you.

My work-life balance this month is absolutely shot. But luckily, because I'm sat in a nautical themed hotel room, I have got time to do a podcast. About the kids you've not seen? About the kids I've not seen, yeah. I think I've got too used to being at home during lockdown. Yeah, definitely. I now feel an insane guilt about being away. No, I don't think you should feel guilty because you've got to go to work.

That's what your job is. And you're, you know, the main breadwinner when it comes to that. So you have to go. But what I would say is, though, you just have to make sure you build in time. So that you and Rose can have a break. So I always make sure I build in time that I book off so that I can go away with some mates and have nights out. I stay with the kids so Lou can go out with her mates and have a good time.

And also stuff as a family of four and stuff for me and Lou together. So it's a balance of all of that. And also embracing doing nothing. So I had nothing on Sunday. And normally I'd go, all right, well, what we'll do is, because I hadn't really seen the kids that much because of the tour, I was like, well, what I'll do is, in this book, London Zoo, let's go and do a big day out, a big grand gesture.

But actually, we all had a much better time just lazing on the sofa and messing about watching the telly. Yeah. So, yeah, but the thing is, as well, you've not worked properly for, like, 18 months, so it's all coming at once. It's quite weird. It's quite weird.

But it's, you know, apart from the fall, it's been positive. And, yeah, it's been a weird experience. I'd say, well, what's interesting, mate, I got very nervous. I received my books, Rob. Oh, yes. Which is one of the most exciting things that's ever happened in my life. But the actual physical, it's become a thing.

Actually physically received the books. Nice. And it is an insane experience to go, Oh fucking hell, this exists. Yeah. And it's going to be in a shop. And it's going to be in a,

it's going to be in a bloody shop and people are going to buy it. Do you know what I mean? Well, you hope otherwise, or it'll be pulped. One of the two, either affect me really. Cause it's going to be in someone's house and they're going to go i've got this book here and they'll go what's it like and they might go it's brilliant

or they might go i thought it was shit but it's worth a read that's just what a book is isn't it and you know someone will use it to prop open a window and i'll have written that someone might get caught short and wipe their arse of it but we've supported that process exactly it genuinely uh so that was a thrilling chop down trees because we've had a couple of thoughts yeah there must be books written about the problems with deforestation that's a tough that's a tough book to get over the line and it does well on kindle it does very well on kindle it smashes it on kindle It smashes it on Kindle. It smashes it on Kindle.

Oh, that's exciting, though, but nerve-wracking. Like, it's very weird because on the one hand, like, I got the book and I was like, oh, my God, I'm so proud of this. And I, like, went through it and I was like, I really am so excited and proud of this. Yeah. And on the other, I'm so terrified

about it coming out. I've told you this before, have I? That every time I have something new coming out, Yeah. I feel, I go,

I don't know if I can deal with it. Like, I remember when this podcast first came out and every time I always go, I wish I was just a local radio DJ in Devon. That's why.

Give it time. Well, exactly, Rob. I just think you's why I just give it time. Well, exactly. I just think I just need to move to Devon. I think you'll get there. But I know you don't sweat it. Pirate FM. I love you.

Pirate FM. Fucking picture of a parrot but yeah no i think that's totally that i always think i wish i just had a a much lower pressure job and i just went in and did it and then came home and for some reason it's it's like mid-morning dj on radio devon is the one i always think about that'll be the nice little work now you get bored you get too comfortable i I know. I, I, I both enjoy the, I really enjoy the being exposed thing. I'm really don't enjoy it.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But that's like anything you don't like enjoy everything to the absolute max. Do you just have to make sure that when you're like, do more of the stuff you do enjoy, but don't allow it to affect you too much. You know what I mean? It's a balance,

isn't it? It's like being that, you know, a thin, is it a thin ambulance? You know what I mean? It's a balance, isn't it? It's like being that, you know, a thin ambulance, is it a thin ambulance? You know, what's the people that walk on the tightrope? It's a thin,

I can't say the word, but you know, tightrope walkers. Yeah, there's a word for it. Thin ambulance, I think they're called. So basically it's like that.

You're walking along that. And in some days you'll do stuff that you hate and you don't really enjoy. However, it pays well, or you sort of need to do it to get that promotion or get that thing or that networking thing but then on other days you'll do stuff that you know it doesn't pay that well but you love it and it's really good fun but you just can't go too far either way and if you don't do too much of one you'll balance out and it'll be all right it's just making sure that you've got that balance you're not just doing stuff you don't enjoy just for the sake of it you

know yes i know i know what you mean i enjoy that's that's the weird thing is i've got too much on at the moment yeah that's what it is every day i do look for i do enjoy everything i'm doing i'm just doing too much of it if you yeah exactly and it always comes once because the you know we didn't know this we might not have been touring again the paralympics might have even happened so you could i'll be honest rob When I put this tour in for autumn, I was like, yeah, I'll do it in autumn, fine. And I was thinking, look forward to doing that in spring. You'll be all right, mate. You're in the middle of it all,

and then once it all calms down, but just don't book too much stuff in or overwork. You've got to balance, or you won't do anything of it properly, will you? If you stretch yourself too thin. I'll let you know next week how many hilariously, you know, how it goes through the PR period. It's going to be a...

Yeah, and also you're not a natural seller, are you? You get stressed. Rob? Yeah. If you want to see someone who's not a natural seller, get ready for two weeks of the least natural salesman on tour of radio and television studios well maybe that's what our listeners could do get keep an ear out for the for the unnatural salesman in flow and see you when you sort of way go so josh

do you want me to practice now with you let's practice now so josh um you've got this new book out what yeah it's shit yeah i think you need what i think you might need a workshop he's shit and i just sort of did it for a laugh thinking it'll be a third spike and i've got to go to duffley in a minute and i don't know i don't know what's going on but end of the day fun house was a great show and some great jokes about it you know what do you want to know something really depressing what What's that? So we had the wrap party for Last Lag, right? Yeah. I got so drunk that when I got home... That's a good way to deal with it.

I think if you're overworked, overstressed, just get shit-faced. So the only three... I've only got three memories of it, right? How was you really drunk? The first one is waking up... Because I don't want to be that smug guy. I've had a week off drinking. I'm going to do another three weeks, so whatever.

Well, I've hardly drunk. That's not how it works, mate. I've literally not drunk for a week. You can't say I've hardly drunk because you have drunk. It's competition, but I'm better at not drinking than you at the moment, all right? Because I've not hardly drunk. I've not drunk, okay? And I'm fine with it.

Just a little bit touchy. Let me tell you what I did on the final day of the last leg. See, as I've said, it was eight minutes from my house. Yes. Um, by,

by the last three episodes, we had so many Paralympians on the show. Yeah. That I basically had nothing to say. So normally we'd have four hours where we'd like work on what we're going to say. I reckon I was getting it done in 20 minutes. I was down to half. No one wants to hear from you at this stage.

No one cares. I was down to half a cue card for all of the stuff that I needed to say in an hour. Okay, right. So by the end, you were taking your foot off the pedal. Yeah. But I was still producing the two times I spoke.

Yeah, okay. And so then on the last day there was the leavers picnic for the children that were leaving my daughter's nursery oh yeah and it was in the park nearby so i was like well just nip out there in the afternoon all right when you're supposed to be preparing for the show you're just looking to the park that's nice it's fine everyone's allowed lunch hour yeah i had three aperol sp, Rob. Joshua. Absolutely. You bougie bitch. Unacceptable stuff. I was doing Aperol Spritz in the park for a kid's party,

and then you bowled back to TV land. I bowled back to TV land. Let's be honest, silently through the rehearsal. Hardly drinking? You're fucking shit-faced in the day, mate. This was my day of drinking, right? Sobered up, right yeah did the show the two things i said went well at 5 p.m i texted the producer to say can we have a parole spritz at

the wrap party which must have looked suspicious it's a it's a niche you i've heard can we have a couple of cold beers at the end yeah not a neat yeah actually because that's involves an orange involves a spirit involves mixer so. So I got quite drunk. So the next morning I woke up. So after the show you got drunk. Yeah, I woke up in bed the next morning. And I've never had this before. I still had my trousers on, but not in the way where I was fully dressed.

But they were around my ankles. So I'd halfway got undressed. So also, because it was a BT Sport, Rob. Yeah. I'm not proud of this. Oh, no, what did you do? I'm not proud of any of these things. I stole something off the wall, Rob.

What, did you steal? But they then forced me to put back. Let me find it for you. Josh, you got really drunk. I did get really drunk. You started stealing and you had your trousers around your ankles. No, you can't, Nick. It's a giant photo that's nearly as big as you.

Is that Ray Stubbs? Ray Stubbs, the former host of Football Focus. Ray Stubbs? Why have they got Ray Stubbs on the wall? I don't know. Does he do work for BT Sport now? He must present stuff for BT Sport. I've not seen him on the telly for ages.

I'm literally trying to see if he's still alive. It's the world's biggest picture of Ray Stubbs. It's got to be the biggest picture in existence of Ray Stubbs. There's no bigger photo of Ray Stubbs than that. It's monstrous. Yeah. It's actually bigger than Ray Stubbs. Yes.

It's bigger than him as a human. I don't know what, maybe ESPN is he working for now? He must. He's working for something like that. Anyway, I was forced to put it back. But my only memory is a photo of me holding a large picture of Ray Stubbs, my trousers around my ankles, and then this is mortifying, Rob. What else has happened?

This is a low. This is a real low. You didn't prank call Des Lynam, did you? No, I didn't. So the producer, the two producers had asked for a copy of my book, so I'd given them a copy of my book. So you're bowling around telly, shit-facing up for old spirits, stealing things, giving out copies of your book. Who the fuck do you think you are?

Awful, Rob. Awful. Then I found myself, all I can remember is being pissed. And I was reading the producer bits of my book that I liked. Oh, no. And it's the worst thing I've ever done, Rob. Oh, my God, Josh. Awful.

That is awful. You're reading a book out loud to the producers. Well, also, I remember I was too drunk to articulate any of the words, so I had to stop. Also, they've been producing you for 12 days in a row. Do you really think they want to hear from you again? No, of course they don't, Rob. Of course they don't.

What did they say? Did they know? Did they not just go, shut up, Josh, what from you again? Of course they don't, Rob. What did they say? Did they say, are they new? Did they not just go, shut up, Josh, what are you doing? Yeah, they knew. That as well. That's got to be their top anecdote. What's it like working with Josh Whitaker? An absolute joy.

Absolute joy. An absolute joy. So you're reading out bits of your book. Well, it's good that you're proud. See, this is you're proud of your book. Genuinely, I'm going to say it. It's the thing I'm most proud of that I've done in my life, work-wise. Yeah, but the thing is, you're too oppressed to really say that to people.

So what you do is you wait to get shit-faced and then force them to listen to it. Exactly, Rob. It comes out when I'm drunk. I'm too bashful in real life about embarrassment of that kind of stuff. But then when I'm drunk, I go too far the other way, Rob. You need a middle ground. Oh, God. Am I going to have to get drunk for Zoe Ball

so that I can be positive about my book? All I'm saying is the funniest I am is drunk. Yeah. But it's a terrible way to live your life. Imagine that, though, Rob. I turn up at Radio 2. Before you know it, I've nicked a huge photo of Steve Wright off the wall. Do it. Me and you, we could be the new Gazza and Jimmy Fivebellies know it, I've nicked a huge photo of Steve Wright off the wall. Do it.

Me and you. We could be the new Gazza and Jimmy Fivebellies. Well, I wouldn't. Yeah. I don't know. I want to know which one's which. Danny Baker and Chris Evans. You what?

Danny Baker and Chris Evans in the 90s. That'll be it. Exactly. Exactly. Well, look, I'm glad you're letting your hair down. Enjoy yourself, Josh. Yes. Do you want to hear about my week?

I mean, we've done the episode, basically. Oh, have we? Well, should we do your week on Friday? Sorry, I've babbled on. No, to hear about my week i mean we've done the episode basically but i have to do your week on friday sorry i've babbled on no it's all right no we got look i'll do it we'll do it i'll do a couple of bits that talk about i'm going to talk about the kids going back to school because i went back to school um we had to drop them off and there were tears josh oh okay so basically because there's a new preschool right we've got a new drop off where we have to sort of do them all in one go before i could take the five-year-old walk in and then come back and walk the other one but the second one needs to be driven and parked and dropped off but we haven't got time to walk the five-year-old to school walk back then drive the three-year-old so we're having to do a drive drop off at the car then drive and

then drop off oh my but the drop the first drop-offs a drive-by drop-off not parking the road nearby yeah so that's tricky um so what we did today was we drove but in the little drop-off queue Lou jumped out with her and walked her in because she was a bit nervous about going into year one and then we got back in the car which I parked around the corner and then drove to the preschool and then because the preschool one went in last week and was happy we thought she's chill but we were we were we made a crucial error josh yeah started chatting about the stressful parking where can we park oh it was good that the five-year-old didn't cry oh yeah because she won't get upset about going in but we're saying all this and the three-year-olds in the back here and it josh oh we got cocky because we thought she was all right and then lou was gone and i was

going oh i don't know if we can park where can we park we were getting stressed they feed off your stress josh oh my anyway we get to the front of school four tears bedlam horrendous crying and to the point where can't reason with her she's hiding behind me holding on to me and then in the end the nursery people oh let me take her they picked her up and she was clawing at me oh my god like holding onto my fingers to her and i was like i'm gonna go in those situations staying will only make it worse so i was okay i'll see you after lunch i'm gonna go and get some lunch and i'll come back i'll see you in a bit i love you bye and i went like that and then and then it was awful she i could hear her screaming as i walked off she was grabbing for me and then it was just so upsetting i could

have cried right it was horrible yeah but i was like no i know that's the best place for her she really enjoys it she likes it which she can't come home with us because we've both got work to do today so she can't she can't she can't and she's got to get used to it we can't just keep taking her home and then so i felt horrible and then they the school the preschool called 20 minutes later. And that is a stressful call. That's the worst number you can see on your phone. It's awful. She never just wanted to let you know they're having a fucking great time.

Well, no, the thing is, that's the thing. It was. Oh, was it? She just went to the end. Oh, because it would have been such a bad drop off. She went, I'm just letting you know. But basically what she said was, I'm just letting you know, she's completely stopped crying now, having a great time playing in the kitchen with all the

other kids not not even close to being a bit upset she's fine so that was nice but when when you first get the call that's a high pressure phone call i think from the teacher in it yeah because it's like she basically goes hello it's just a courtesy call just to say that she's fine they have to get the fine bit in so fast because of the parents getting all anxious. Oh God. But it was straight. It was stressful.

Oh mate. Are they back in the groove now? Well, it's only, it was only the first day. So hopefully she'll be fine. And then she's fine now. Yeah,

she's fine. But, but yeah, it was, it was, it was stressful. Can I ask what time it was on your watch when you said, I'm just going to go get some lunch?

I dropped off at 20 past 8 a.m. She knows I'm a hungry guy. I like an early lunch, late dinner. I've always done it that way. Absolute panic. I need these keys. I'm going to go get some lunch. Well, no, because I think when they,

I say that because it's sort of like, they know you're sort of coming back a little bit. Like when I normally use that one is when they're trying to get settled at like a kid's birthday. I'm just going to get some lunch and come back. And I do, because you are coming back. Not like, I'm going to leave you now for six hours. It's a bit more of an intense delivery.

Yes. Oh, and oh yeah. Oh, one other thing. And then I'll save some stuff for Friday. We're doing a correspondent special yes friday because we've got so much to get through um because we've not really done many of your um your emails and stuff i've got this um this will make you make you laugh um josh i thought i was being attacked by a dog in the week um i pulled up to park the car with

the kids in the back and i opened the door it's a bit of a rough back street bit of parking in a brumley and um i got out and as i got out i heard that is like the loudest i would hate that aggressive barking ever and i went oh fuck and i just slammed the door shut because i couldn't really see where the dog was but just because it felt like one it felt like a mad kujo like rabid dog right because it was just like wasn't it wasn't even changing its bark. It was like, all that. So I shut the door and went, turn around. And one of my kids had got their toy dog that barks

and put it as close to my ear as you possibly could without touching my ear and squeezed it. So it did the bark. How did you fall for that it was so loud jock it was get a get a dog that makes a bark and put it by your ear and then imagine that you're opening a door in a rough area and you don't know there's a toy dog barking it was like absolutely shit myself like sweating immediately like nearly just drove off but it was a toy dog oh my god that is that is emasculating.

It is emasculating, but dogs can be scary, Josh. I never had dogs as a kid. No, I find dogs scary. Yeah, I know you shouldn't. Oh, they're lovely, but they are a bit scary, Josh. Can I ask you a question from one emasculated man to another, Rob? Go on. I had quite an emasculating experience this week.

All right. I got a message from my car saying that I needed to pump up the tyres, Rob. Oh, on the screen, on the car? On the screen. Yeah. I had no idea how to pump up the tyres. Oh, come on. I know that, Josh, at least.

I've got no idea. So I'd gone to the thing to pump up my tyres. I had no idea what number they needed to go to. So I just drove off again. I got the little coin. I've still got the little coin, Rob. No, yeah, so basically what it is, is if you put the

thing on the tyre, you know the little valve on the tyre. You don't want to burst the tyre. When you put it on there, it registers and if you put the um the thing on the on the tire you know the little valve that on the tire no but you won't you but when you put it on there it registers and tells you how much is in it on the little screen up there and then you just fill it until what it has to be at and normally what it has to be at it normally is normally says on your little car screen or if not you can google it or look in the little handbook right i just panicked went in got the coin looked at all the numbers and just drove off again so what did you think was gonna happen though i don't know i thought it would say like

hi josh like with a petrol gauge or something it would just tell you where you were meant to put it up to well just stop when it's full yeah something like that and then i was like imagine if i exploded my tire like there'd be so many injuries. Yeah, it's nearly as dangerous as going running in a park. But yeah, no, you can just Google it and find out. You've got BMW, have you? I've bought a thing off the internet now. I've bought a home pump so that I could do it

without the pressure of other men being around. Yeah, but you don't have a drive. You street park, so there'll be people, there'll be black cab drivers driving past shouting at you yeah but there's my fear was getting in a queue someone else needing to pump up their tires while i'm trying to pump up my tires oh yeah that is the worst so i was like i just can't deal with this can't fair enough mate you've had a busy week yeah do you know i bet you joe knows how much you need in your tires. Race Stubbs. I bet Race Stubbs never thinks twice about getting his tyres.

I bet he's also checked his oil. Something I haven't done in a year. Volvo Estate all day long, Race Stubbs. He could afford more, but he's a sensible guy. He likes safety and security in the Volvo. Exactly.

Should we do some small business shout outs? And then I'll tell you a bit more about my week. And we will have all the correspondence on Friday. Lovely. Oh, this one's a bit different. Not really a small business shout out, but a good cause. So let's give this a shout out. Josh.

Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm 26 and I don't have kids, but hearing all your stories has really helped me through the last year. And it's reminded me it could be worse. On the back of all the stories of unusual ways people have treasured their baby's umbilical cords i thought i would message and let you know of an alternative use for them if framing it isn't your thing um you could donate your baby's cord to an umbilical cord bank the blood in the umbilical cord is rich in stem cells these stem cells can be used to treat people with blood cancer and could save someone's life.

At the moment, there are five hospitals in the UK which collect cords from parents who are willing to donate. King's College Hospital, London, St Mary's Hospital, Oxford Road, Manchester, St Mary's Hospital, Withenshaw, Manchester. Oh, that's confusing, isn't it, Manchester? Sort it out. Just change it. It's on a different road. Same name. Leicester Royal Infirmary, Leicester General Hospital.

If any of your listeners are planning to give birth at one of these hospitals, it is really straightforward for them to register or donate online at, now here it is, it's https. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. It's TikTok all over again. Strap in.

H-T-T-P-S, double dot, what'saked on all over again. Strap in. HTTPS double dot. What's that even called? Colon. Colon. Forward slash, forward slash. www. You sound like me reading out my book when I'm drunk. What's that?

It's anthonynolan.org forward slash help dash save dash a dash life forward slash donate dash your umbilical. Oh, fuck's sake. Let's go again. Just go on AnthonyNolan.org, help save a life, donate your umbilical cord, you'll find it. Why don't we Instagram out the address? I think that's for the best. Yeah.

Let's do that. We'll do that on Tuesday. We'll put that, yeah. Anthony Nolan, though, help save a life. Anthony Nolan. Let me just Google Anthony Nolan. Umbilical cord. Oh, you can find it straight away.

Look, it's basically first result. Anthony Nolan. Okay. Google Anthony Nolan.org. There we go. What we do, help save a life and donate your umbilical cord. You just go to Anthony Nolan's website, help save a life, donate your umbilical cord.

That's easy. No one's typing that shit in. Also, it's less weird. It's less weird to donate it. Let's be honest. It's not even less weird. It's a brilliant cause and great things to do. It's not less weird.

It's fucking weird keeping it. Get rid. Chuck it in the fucking bin. Or better, donate it to help save someone's fucking life, you nutter. Don't frame it, you fucking freaks. Sick of it. Oh, keep that fuck off give it someone else who needs it um just watching stem cells that could be put to use drying on your on your

counter unbelievable hello i absolutely love your podcast i've been telling my parents friends listen i don't have kids so take great pleasure in enjoying my eight hours sleep a night being able to go to the pub whenever i want anyway my friend i've recommended your podcast to has a lovely little business making hair scrunchies out of their daughter's old clothes that they're now too small for her it's eco-friendly sustainable business she also gives a percentage of the profits to a charity oh lovely her instagram handle is at humble dot mains m-a-n-e-s humble dot mains m-a-n-e-s she even makes mini scrunchies for kids too thanks so much and so happy you're back after the euros bloody hell we've had this this one sitting here for a while she's probably folded the business is folded sorry that you're worried about the third spike ruining your tour be careful with running it can be dangerous out there exactly um right uh thank you very much

for listening everyone we'll be back with a correspondent special on um friday and then a guest the week after um thank you very much and we'll see you next week cheers bye