Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP18: Game recognises game...

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP18: Game recognises game...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Parenting Hell with... Leanna, can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. There we go. Very cute.

Very nice. Didn't want to do that at all, did she? No. That is Leanna saying your names on her second birthday. Oh, it's good for two, to be fair. It is very good for two. Thanks for the show. It's given my amazing wife and I laughs

over the pandemic and over the past few months where we moved cities, jobs and had a new baby. Brutal. Can you imagine just moving to a new city? I just couldn't do it. Having to make friends. Yeah, but think

of the ones you'd lose. Do you know what I mean? Think of the ones you'd shake off. That's the way to look at it.

I'd never have to see them again. Dreaming off the Deadwood. Yeah. Good old clear out.

You know, like when a football manager comes in and starts selling all the old shit. Yeah. Scary for a bit. You know, like when a football manager comes in and starts selling all the old shit. Yeah. Scary for a bit. How's your week been, Rob? We didn't really cover it last week, did we?

On Tuesday. No, we've had a bit of, they're getting a bit better, but there's still that hangover. You know, they get a bit, well, you don't know that yet because yours don't have summer holidays, but they get a bit naughty at the end of summer holidays because they're sort of bored of you. Six weeks. Yeah. It's a mad amount of time, isn't it?

Especially after lockdown and the homeschooling stuff. No one needed it. So they got a bit bored of us. And also they get a bit naughty and they're all a bit cocky because they haven't got anyone of their age, especially the oldest. She's a bit of Queen Bee. So she got a bit naughty.

She was eating a sandwich. And this is before she went back to school. We said, like, you can't have a lolly until you finish your sandwich, right? You've got to finish your sandwich. Solid parenting. Yeah. So the five-year-old finished her sandwich. Three-year-old hadn't.

So we sort of said, three-year-old, you can't have a lolly. Five-year-old can. We went to look at the three-year-old sandwich. The five-year-old had stuffed her sandwich in the three-year-old sandwich. She got a sandwich sandwich? She had a sandwich sandwich. So the poor three-year-old was obviously not being able to finish it all because she's trying to eat two sandwiches.

Oh, my God. And the five-year-old's licking a lolly with an empty belly. Oh, my word. That is, what did you do? I wasn't there. So Lou confiscated the lolly and said, that's, you know, that's naughty. You shouldn't do that. And you lied.

And the three year old just taken it. Yeah, but I think the three year old wasn't really aware what was going on, but she wasn't really eating any of her sandwich. It wasn't like she was trying to get through it. She didn't have one bite. She wasn't going, God,

this sandwich is endless. It's like, it's like two sandwiches in one. It's so thick. It's like that, that prank where, when you play, when you,

in the change, at school PE, you keep squeezing shampoo on someone's head? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a never-ending washing. I've got a never-ending sandwich. What's going on? Exactly.

So, yeah, so Lou took the lolly off. He said, that's really naughty. You mustn't do that. You lied and you were sneaky and stuff. But I did respect the hustle to a certain degree. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you've got to admire that. Yeah. But then I went upstairs and I said to her, oh, look, mummy told me what you did. And I was like, it to a certain degree. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you've got to admire the hustle. Yeah.

But then I went upstairs and I said to her, oh, look, mummy told me what you did. And I was like, it's very cheeky. And then she automatically started crying and going, yeah. I was like, no, you don't have to cry. I'm not telling you off. I was like, look, that was, you know, that was, to be fair, that was quite clever, but a bit sneaky and you was lying.

So you're not allowed to do that. But game recognises game. Oh, game recognises game. I actually was quite happy with that. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want a prick kid but you don't you don't want one that's just gonna not you know think their way out of stuff yeah yeah of course because i don't know if i said it before she's got street smarts hasn't she street smart when we was driving me and lou were driving the kids in the back and they kept on wanting their music and they argue and they go no that song

this song it's like you basically just constantly switch between songs so we went that we just say no we just listen to the radio what comes on comes on and there's gone can't you put the music why don't you put our music on and then and lou was like we can't mommy and daddy are driving and then the three-year-old was like only daddy's driving what are you doing oh and then lou was absolutely skewered And then Lou was absolutely skewered. She had that Michael Portillo in the back. Ruining her. But the other thing, there's a lot of hands on hips in my house,

and I don't know where they get it from, where they just sort of like, and they tell you something, and you go, but I think they just need school. Where do you think that comes from? Do you think that comes from Lou, or do you think that comes from school? I think maybe all of the Netflix I watch. Are they watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Rob? They're watching Towie. It's all kicking off.

And then she turned around to me and said to me that I'm not going to eat that sandwich because it's got two sandwiches. And I turned around to her and turned around to her. And I'm not eating it. I'm not even taking it for a mug or nothing. You know what I mean? But this is the other thing. They've been they've been

telling people that daddy sleeps naked with his bum in the air what well because basically i do sleep naked but i was like well i was like no i don't do that because like they can't see me naked i'm under the covers i actually know but then sometimes you have a leg out of the cover over and then they walk in and you can just see your big ass hanging out the bed oh my god and i just thought what's a horrific image for a five-year-old girl to see. Oh, my God. She's not – I mean, also, Rob, that's with her forever. I know.

I know. It's too late now. It's too late. It's too late. But I'm going to have to invest, I think, into some – as they grow older, like, you know, some big billowy sort of Marks & Spencer's dad pyjama shorts. I think top half out's fine. Why don't you go with

the bottom half, the tartan trouser? No, I can't do trouser. It'll have to be shorts. But I think Marks and Spencer, but I get so hot and sweaty, so it has to be really baggy and the thinnest cotton,

like it's almost floating. Rose bought me some pyjamas for Christmas. I've never had pyjamas before. Too hot. Simply too hot. No hot no i cannot i cannot sleep i cannot imagine how people can do that i'd rather sleep in the garden i just can't what is wrong with these people yeah but like proper ones that button up

yeah like i put them on and before i got in i was like this is luxury yeah this is so nice and then i got in i was like i'm fucking boiling luxury. Yeah. This is so nice. And then I got in and I was like, I'm fucking boiling because I'm sleeping in some clothes underneath a duvet. Exactly. But I just don't want my dick flapping about and my ass hanging out and my kids are coming in to wake me up in the morning. So I've got to invest in something. So if anyone's got any recommendations.

What about just a pair of boxer shorts? Too tight. I wear tight ones and I can't. It's hot and sweaty and too tight. But I don't like wearing baggy pants. So I need to find... Oh, look at these. These are premium cotton, super soft pajama shorts.

Send them over. Send me over a link. The only problem with these are... These are the problem with these kind of shorts. They look like the kind of shorts that if you have a little bit of spillage when you wee-wee, it looks like you've pissed yourself. Yeah. So what are you going to do, Rob? I'm'm gonna have to buy some of these weird short things you can't go light gray it's

just piss pant central yeah they look they've got an elastic waistband i do not want an elastic waistband oh my god these are just these are just rubbish rob they're so lame you can't the problem with pajama shorts you just wear short shorts like a pair of Adidas shorts. No, because they're nylon-y. What's wrong with that? No, it's all... No, it needs to be a cotton. I can't. It'll get sweaty.

I get a sweaty arse, mate. Oh, mate. So sometimes when I do gigs or I'm out and I get really hot, I have to go to the toilet just to wipe my bum because it's sweaty. Oh, my God. Do you ever have to do that? No, of course not. You never have to just give your bum a wipe to get rid of the sweat so you get is that your main area of sweat i'd say i sweat from my

back first down to my ass and then pit stirred have you thought about an antiperspirant on your ass i'm not rolling my ass with 48 hour protection i'm not rubbing a rollerball up my arse, mate. That's going to do severe skin damage. It's very delicate skin down there. Awful moment if you're doing that and then someone just comes in, you walk in and someone's borrowing your deodorant.

Lou's run out of deodorant, she's just borrowing your deodorant and you know it's the arse stick. Maybe I just need baggy pants, but the problem is with pants and shorts, you cannot try before you buy. You're just taking a punt on every time. I once did a gig

with a comedian. Yeah. And he bought some pants from TK Maxx. Yeah. And he tried them on in the dressing room, over his trousers. He didn't like them. And then he took them back to TK Maxx. Oh my, what a monster. That's not allowed. At least he didn't do it on his balls, but that's not allowed.

It's unacceptable. Anyway, let's move on from that. Oh, hang on, I've got a review here. I bought two pairs of these a couple of weeks ago. They are very comfortable, both wearing before bed and also when sleeping. They are lovely and soft to the touch. Can I ask how many pairs you're going to buy

and how many wears you're going to get out of them before you wash them? Oh, wash them. Because you're going to have to how many wears you're going to get out of them before you wash them oh wash them because you're gonna have to buy seven pairs because you're they're essentially pants yeah and you'll be wearing them for eight hours oh god it's such a commitment isn't it but i'm gonna have to buy practice pairs practice pairs well i'm not gonna go in they're 22 pounds 50 you'll look at the outline of 150 quid for your pajama pants no that's what i'm saying so like i'm not one i just picked these because they came up because they said super soft but

like 22 pound 50 is too much for a pair of pants you're gonna sleep in so i don't maybe what i should try and get is just a rather and sometimes it's better to go under i mean what are we talking but like maybe i just need to get some baggy dad pants that are cotton that are like four for a tenner or something yeah yeah i'm not doing that that are cotton that are like four for a tenner or something. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm not doing that. They look like shorts you're going to wear downstairs for breakfast.

This is not what I want. I don't want my children to see my arsehole. Is that the end of the sentence? Yeah. It sounded like the sentence was going to continue. I just panicked

and that came out. Anyway, but yeah, they've been telling people I've got to do something about my arse. You've got to do something about that because your children are old enough now.

I know. I've got a couple of little tips. Before we do the correspondence, I've got a couple of little tips. One is a genius loo method of, you know, when they always go, my shoe's the right way around. Does your daughter do this? Is this the right way? Yeah, it's really difficult to explain.

Yes, so this is what we do is, for example, their school shoes have got their name tags in them, which is like they've got their name next to like a little dinosaur or a little unicorn. And what we do is we put them on the furthest side away from each other. So it'll be like for the right shoe, it'll be on the right side of it. And for the left shoe, it'll be on the left side of it. So what we say is we go, oh, the dinosaurs aren't friends. So you keep them as far away from each other as possible. Oh, that that's nice or if there's a logo on the outside of the shoe if the dinosaurs were friends wouldn't it yeah i mean i think we've gone very negative with this yeah it's quite

negative just so you know these two dinosaurs on your feet they don't get on so do keep them away from and then they've got that weight hanging around with them all day at school going these poor dinosaurs should i get involved yeah so maybe you could put them on the inside of the shoe and then the dinosaurs are friends i mean that's maybe that's you know tells a lot about how lou was feeling at that point when she decided on the dinosaurs not being friends but yeah maybe they could be friends might be a better way but it still works as the same method yeah but that's really helped because then they stop asking if it's the right way and then they look out for the dinosaurs being friends or Or I could just teach them the left and right, but either way, it both works. It's just really difficult though, isn't it?

Yeah, it is hard to get loose. You still don't know right and left. She's like 35. Rose is bad with right and left as well. No. Oh, the other thing that I would recommend watching, on ITV2, a reality show, Tommy and Georgia from TOWIE have got a show.

They've had a baby and a two-part show which was really good because there's a there's a few of those reality tv star people with kids there's the fern mccann one um and then there's the um sam fares and billy fares one but this one's really good because they're very normal people right sometimes on those shows it's like oh it's their first birthday so we can go to harrods and get them a full valentino out yeah what are these but like oh it's their birthday. Let's go to Zuma. That's a third birthday thing. Exactly.

And it's sort of bollocks as well, because I think people watch that and go, oh, if you're on the telly, you have to take your kid to Zuma for their birthday. Do you? Fuck. Do you know what I mean? You don't have to do that. There's nothing wrong with Pizza Express. No, the kids love it.

It's cheap. It's ridiculous. I just wasted that money on my kids not eating nothing, just so I can get an Instagram photo. I think it's fucking pathetic, to be honest. Anyway, that's my thing. But Tommy and Georgia, what's good about them is they're really nice, normal people, right? And Tommy's very successful outside of reality TV.

He's got his own footwear business that's mega successful. He's got like a turnover of like, he sold like $12 million worth of shoes last year. What were the shoes? A mallet. They're called mallet trainers and they're high end but not super expensive high end but they're an expensive nice designer trainer he's doing really well and he's absolutely minted but he still does normal stuff with his kid he's got a nice car and things like that but they go down the caravan to visit his parents and things

like that and georgia and tommy they're both really honest about parenting and the struggles and especially george talks about getting her body back after being pregnant. And I thought it was a really good show because it's one of those reality shows. It's quite interesting, but also it's quite realistic and not this sort of fake like, oh my God, it's their birthday. So there's like, you know. It sounds to me like you're recommending a rival. That's what it sounds to me like. No, they're not right.

They do their own thing. Unless you're going to start bringing out trainers. I don't think we can call them rivals. They do their thing. But they're a lovely couple. We should get them on the podcast. We should get them on the podcast, Rob. But they're very normal for reality TV stars,

where in reality, in those shows, sometimes it's a bit like, this is a load of bollocks, what you're doing here. Yeah. See through it. But yeah, it's a really good show. Just saying. For our listeners who might like that.

Who would normally as well, a couple of the stiff necks out, they might roll their eyes at a reality TV show and people from tavern but it's a really good one and um it's quite interesting seeing someone he's properly got to balance his work life because he's running a company so it's quite interesting how he's very nice you're full of parenting tips this week yeah i'm just trying to bridge the stiff and loose neck gap the stiff necks into itv2 exactly and then the stiff necks into ITV2. Exactly. Yeah, the loose necks to watch you on Question Time when you're on next week.

Yes, definitely. When I'm doing that. Oh, my mum's trying to ring me. She can wait. Do you know what we should do, Rob? What's that? We should announce that you're doing Question Time one week and really build it up. I will do it one week.

Should I do it and just try and just go mental? No, I don't think you should. No? Why not? Because I just don't know if it's the show for you. Imagine if they just went, I don't think you should. No? Why not? Because I just don't know if it's the show for you. Imagine if they just went, I just went, I don't really care or know. I was doing something the other day

and someone said, Rob, what about think about this, doing it this way or doing it that way? And I went, would you judge me if I said I didn't know or care? I think honesty is better sometimes. Just do what you want. Sometimes you don't have to have an opinion.

Sometimes. That's so true, Josh. Sometimes you're allowed to not know. Yeah. What do you think about that? I don't really know, actually, about that. Is that okay? I think social media, Rob, has meant everyone feels

they have to have an opinion on everything. Yeah. But we need to start the backlash of people who are quite happy not to have an opinion on some things. Yeah, I tell you what, email in, what don't you have an opinion on? And email in what it is, and then obviously leave the no opinion. Yeah. We can go, we've got Sarah from Dundalk here,

who hasn't got an opinion on paella. I think paella's overrated. There you go. I've got an opinion on it. It's just busy rice, isn't it? Hi, guys. So this is some correspondence. Yes, we should do

some correspondence. We have promised it for about three months. Go on, get an email out, Josh. Let's do this. Hi, guys. Love the show. Always brings a big smile

to my face. Congratulations to Josh on the arrival of your baby. We have had a lot of these emails for quite a while. How old's your baby now? Four months. Four months. Four months.

I thought I'd just share the experience my wife and I had at the birth of our eldest daughter, who was born via C-section. We had a wonderful obstetrician and a doctor with a huge personality. As you said the c-section is basically major abdominal surgery being in the theater with all the doctors and nurses hearing the chat was fascinating anyway our consultant had a junior a doctor assisting

him that day the birth went smoothly no problems and then it came for the tidy up that can't be the technical term the tidy up fucking hell that's under playing it. The tidy up. Fucking hell. That's underplaying it, isn't it? The tidy up. Is that the equivalent of your house being ripped apart by a tornado? I'll have a quick tidy up. Get this tidy now. The junior doctor was given instructions to remove the placenta. We're on the other side of the screen admiring our beautiful girl.

My wife, obviously totally numb from the waist down, can't feel anything, but is aware of tugging and pulling going on pulling going on. Can I say something quickly? I know there needs to be junior doctors, but I don't want one anywhere near me when I'm ill. I want a senior. I want a senior if they're doing the tidy up. It's all right. I understand there needs to be a junior somewhere,

and they've got to learn somehow, but not on me, if that's okay. Is that fair? Is that bad? I've got the same feeling with training hairdressers rob how about you train somewhere else all right not on this bonce not on this this barnet is for professionals only right so my wife can't feel anything uh but he's aware of some tugging and pulling going on in the regions then quite quite unexpectedly, a loud, booming voice shouts out, no, no, that's the liver.

The colour drains from a wide face. I'm like, what? Then one of the theatre nurses comes up to us and says, don't worry, he's joking. Oh, no. Oh, my God. That is some prank to play from the obstetrician. Someone's nicking your liver.

Someone's doing a banner. It's like Annabelle Lecter and Christopher Biggins doing the procedure. He's having a laugh. He's eating your liver. So is he winding up the junior doctor then? I think he's winding up the junior doctor. No, not. Keep your banner.

I don't start fucking talking about, you know, the difference between the types of diabetes on stage. You stop doing jokes. All right? I think that's fair, isn't it? Exactly. Oh, you do not want banter in an operating theatre. One of the reasons is you weren't totally sure

what the different types of diabetes were. No, which actually bit me in the bum once when I tried to smuggle in a picnic into a music festival. A picnic? A full picnic or a chocolate bar? Massive full picnic, right? It was like a chilled music festival down in Canterbury. And they said, you're not allowed to bring it in. I said, I need to bring this food in because I'm diabetic.

And they went, what type? I went, the one where you need loads of food. Oh, no, Rob. And then they said, do you need 50 mini sausage rolls? And I said, yes. So... Were you going to get it in? Yeah, we got it in, mate.

Yeah, under duress. Sort of looked back ashamed really of that but a different time um yeah so yeah i'm not sure about this banter doctor no it's not my scene i think there's places for banter yeah and that is on it's not the womb no exactly it's on mock the week i like a laugh as much as the next junior doctor yeah but yeah also as well you imagine the junior doctor is so annoyed he must have known he must have known it wasn't the liver surely you know it's not the liver i don't know i've never been in there maybe it's confusing even the liver you've got to put her right you

gotta say her liver it's just so depersonalizing the tidy up in the liver do you know what i hate when people talk about babies they don't say the the baby. They go baby. Oh yeah, that does. Why does grammar fall away? When baby comes, how are you feeling about the arrival of baby? Oh man. Why can't I say the baby? Yeah, that is terrible. Why do they do that?

When baby comes, is up there with you, looking forward to meeting him. Fuck off. Meeting him. Yeah. In about nine years when he's got a fucking personality.

I'm not, I'm not looking forward to meeting him. No. I'm receiving him. Yeah, in about nine years when he's got a fucking personality. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to meeting him, no. I'm receiving him. I'm going to be up with him for three months. I'm not meeting him. We're not going to ZZ's. Do you know what I mean? It's like getting sent a bouquet of flowers. It's lovely, but then you've got to go,

I've got to cut the stem now, find some water for it. Do you know what I mean? It's not, you're not meeting it. I'm going to go green and then I'm going to have to wash it out in a week's time exactly and then you've got to remember to put the little flower food in it i'm not sure about flowers it feels a bit like a hospice did it aval do you not like roses big into flowers when we used to live near columbia road market every sunday oh i'm lost you used to work there. Yeah, I know. I remember seeing Graham Norton. I sold him some compost.

Did you? Martin Fowler from EastEnders, James Alexandru. Was I? Oh, no, no, Martin Fowler, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Martin Fowler. Yeah. James Alexandru.

Bloody hell. You've pulled that one out of nowhere, haven't you? I'd struggle to name the person that played Martin Fowler in EastEnders. James Alexandru, mate. Never forget a name. Did you say, are you James Alexandru? No, but he knew I knew. That was big boy shit

back in the day. I don't know what's happened to him. Did you ask if he was going to use it on Arthur's Allotment? How's Graham Norton? He was lovely. Fine. Really nice. Have you ever mentioned it to him? Yep. On his show. Obviously. Obviously. Research chat. Call that straight up. Rob, do you want to try and establish yourself as the everyman on a talk show? Yep, on his show, obviously. Obviously. Research chat. Pull that straight up. And Rob,

do you want to try and establish yourself as the everyman on a talk show? Yes, I will. Graham Norton, I sold you a bag of shit. Let's go.

Right in the middle of the Hollywood stars. Not the last time you sold Graham Norton a bag of shit. Right, another quick one. Yeah.

This is a quick one. I'll do some quick ones. A cheeky way to get our book sales up, Josh you've both got books out do you know what it's a big week rob do buy it now because it's pretty it's the last pre-sale week and that is big that's big i don't know what that means why is that big i don't know my publisher's told me that the first two weeks are key so please buy it in these just pre-order it now guys publisher people are so polite and kind and sensitive compared to comedian the comedians and stuff i did i was talking i was trying to find please buy it in these. Just pre-order it now, guys. Publisher people are so polite and kind and sensitive. Yeah, right. Compared to comedians and stuff. I was trying to find pictures of my book,

and I found a really nice one of my granddad, but unluckily it was too late to submit it because it had all gone to print. So I sent it. I went, I've got one of my granddad. It'll be nice to go in because he's dead. And she went, oh my God, I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you okay, Rob?

I was like, yeah, it's fucking, yeah, he's dead. But in comedy, it was like, yeah yeah he's dead but in common he's like yeah but they're just very sweet in tv they'd be like yeah we can't clear that because you need him to sign it off but he's dead unlucky mate your dead granddad can't sign it because his hand's dead and won't move right okay you're on set on set now hurry up stop crying you've got to talk to gram norton about your compost. So this is a good idea. This is from Rachel. She asked for this.

She went, here's a cheeky way to get the book sales up. She emailed Suffolk Libraries to order copies of our books. And they said yes. Dear Rebecca, thank you for your stock suggestions. We have ordered both Watch Your Neighbours by Josh Whittacombe and a class app by Rob Beckett. And they should appear on our catalogue in a few days. Do you have anything I can help with? So email your libraries.

Let's spend taxpayers' money on our books. Did I tell you this, Rob, about being polite with publishers? Because you find you're doing it yourself. What did you do? When I was doing the, what's it called, audiobook, I found some typos in my fucking book, and it was too late. Oh. I phoned them up. I was like, there's some typos. They're like, yeah, there found some typos in my fucking book and it was too late oh i phoned them up i was like there's some typos they're like yeah there's always typos and i was like oh fair enough and then i put the phone down i was like wait a minute have i just been fobbed off

you've been really fobbed off there josh anyway if you do buy my book and see the typos oh there's some competition or something they're definitely going to come in don't they'll hunt it down now hunt down the typos the first people to send me the typos I'll give you

something two tickets to a tour show what are you doing why are you panicking I just panicked is that what did you give us a price

no I don't know why are you asking for criticism and you're going to reward them well just to back up my feeling that people do see the typos, Rob. Yeah, but then you're making them look for it now.

Yeah, do read the book. Don't just go through it looking for the typos. Fair enough. While you're looking for the typos, you might as well take the words in. Right, I've got some quick ones here, Josh, right? Bathtime tip. Here we go. This is from

joey i haven't shared those tickets with my agent yeah let's just say that there is no competition just buy his book and read it that what josh winnicott does not need it's a million people emailing things he's done wrong in his book he's really proud of and then be forced to give away free tickets which is going to be an admin fucking nightmare and you'll probably be pulled up by some sort of the gaming commission police that go, that is not the gaming commission police. You know,

those proper, you get told off for not proper competitions. Do you? Yeah. You can't just go, Oh, fucking is a ticket. Well,

what's the rules? What's the system? What's the rules? Yeah. What is this? Las Vegas. Okay. All right.

Then all of a sudden, boom, I've read your book. Oh, and there's a type where you've put you, you are instead of your send it in. Bang. Do I get the tickets

what if everyone sends them in this is the first person okay so how are you going to know who's the first person I'll check it in my email inbox they're coming in order what if they Instagram it how do they apply

the competition's been cancelled right if you have emailed in in that brief period when the competition was live I will accept your answer yeah but the competition was live for everyone forever at a certain point because it's this is a podcast oh no at the time of recording so if you're listening to us now as we record if you're

in the next hotel room michael only michael or me can email in yeah and to be honest you're more than welcome to come to my tour. I don't expect you to, but I would probably sort you out free tickets anyway. Yeah, I probably won't. Okay, right, competition's cancelled. Right, I've got a bath time tip here. Gents, your podcast has kept me going for the last 18 months. Keep up the good work.

Something that's worked well for our nearly five-year-old at bath time is setting an Ava World record. Set a timer on your phone, start an entry into the out of the bath and into pajamas and then write it on a chart makes quick bath times fun and competitive when little ones try to beat their best time you're welcome joe from colchester that is good kid in the bath you do it wash them i think actually you need it from leaving the bath i suppose if they're going to be in the bath ages because you don't what you don't want is a world record, but a dirty child.

Yes, exactly. But you can manage that, but that will force them to get in their pajamas quick. I think that's the thing that is good. It is setting a child into quite competitive environment, early doors. And then they're so pumped up.

It does. It does sound like the kind of thing you read about in Andre Agassi's autobiography, which is an excellent book, I should say. Although it's got a couple of typos. It has got a couple of typos, hasn't it? He spells juice wrong. It's J-U-I-C-E.

He spells it with a D. What an idiot. Have you read it? Yeah, it's amazing. Unbelievable. Especially as a parent. The worst parenting I've ever... Oh, it's insane. Yeah. Completely fucked him up. Actually worst parenting I've ever... It's insane. Completely

fucked him up. Actually, I'd say worse than that, if you want books about bad parenting, do not go any further than Lily Allen's autobiography. Yes, that's a great one. Jesus Christ. We've got to get her on here. Oh, man. That was brutal.

Did you call her the greatest pop star ever or something? I think she's a national treasure. I think she's one of our greatest lyricists of the last 30 years. Oh, lovely. I've just picked a random time then. Yeah, so since 1990. Since 1990. All right, here we go.

Look, Judge, we've got... Obviously in the 80s, she wouldn't have had a fucking chance. There were so many good lyricists. Right. I've got some really funny panic attack stories off the back of our oh yes please so this was worst place to have a panic attack yeah no well just funny panic attack stories basically because we spoke about having panic attack thank you for all your emails we've had loads of emails a lot of them are very sort of heartfelt and we've read them all and we really appreciate them and a

couple from like mental health nurses that said it's been helpful so thank you very much for uh emailing in we can't go back to all of you but we have read them and we really appreciate them. And a couple from like mental health nurses that said it's been helpful. So thank you very much for emailing in. We can't go back to all of you, but we have read them and we appreciate you. There's so many emails that Rob's had another panic attack. Yeah, exactly. Not how it was held. That's because of the guilt of not replying. But we're reading out the funny ones

as well as the heartfelt ones about stuff like that. So this is a good one. This one's from Jenny. All right. Okay. No, actually, let's do this one first. Hetty, then Jenny. Hi guys, this is from Hetty here. Hetty, then Jenny. Hi, guys.

This is from Hetty here. Hi, guys. Wanted to say I've really enjoyed the podcast and listened since day one. After listening to Friday's podcast and hearing of Josh's toilet ordeal, I thought it was only fair I shared the numerous times I have panicked in a less than appropriate environment. Whilst I could go on to name a whole list of events, I would like to discuss the time I was eating a roast dinner

and fainted into my dinner at the dinner table because i was so stressed oh god after my parents rang an ambulance in panic and managed to move me onto the sofa it transpired i ate so much food the blood had rushed from my head causing me to hypervent like and panic about this oh my word you've got the good work and podcast and making everyone laugh. Oh, wow. It's proper slapstick falling in your dinner, isn't it? Absolute gravy face. What would be your dream dinner to fall into, Rob? What would be the ideal? Mashed potato?

Nothing too hard. Mashed potato. No, mashed potato would be a good one. Jelly. Cushion the blow. Jelly. You could drown in jelly. Do you know what?

No, I'd say that turned pie mash pie. Yeah. It's like a pillow. Yeah. Like a memory foam pillow. It'll remember your face had been there. That's poor old headache. This is Jenny.

Yeah. This one is real. This one. Hi, Rob and Josh. Before I started my medication, I used to have at least one panic attack every day for years. Jeez, mate. So luckily she's gone to the doctor and got the right medication.

Basically, I was fucking riddled with panic. No shit. Really? My boyfriend at the time was sleeping on his mom's sofa in her tiny one-bedroom flat. I was there one night. She had gone off to bed and things got a bit heated, like in a sexy way, not an angry way. We somehow ended up having sex on the floor of the living room oh my one minute i was loving life and the next i was absolutely overwhelmed with panic i'm gonna say loving life is a great euphemism yeah i was loving

life and the next on the next minute i was absolutely overwhelmed with panic because he was doing it in the front room near his mum. I literally had to kick him off and crawl across the floor to the front door where I reached up, ripped it open and just lied on the doorway completely naked, hyperventilating, whilst my boyfriend just stared at me in horror. Good times, Jenny. Do you think at one point he went, damn, I'm good? Before he realised it was a panic attack. God damn, my man's got skills.

Poor Jenny. Wow, poor Jenny. But that is a gamble, isn't it? The living room floor in a one bed flat with the mum in the bedroom. I'd say if you do suffer with a bit of panic now and again, that is not the place to shag. No.

You need a calmer environment for a boning. Exactly. Have you got any emails, Josh? Yes. Hi, Rob and Josh. Love the podcast. Look forward to them every week. Got a little story about my seven-year-old at bedtime.

After story time, she showed me a picture of a puppy that had been left out in the rain and abandoned. There were two houses in the background, one with a closed door and the other the door was closing. Harper got really upset and started to cry about the poor abandoned puppy. Both myself

and my dad tried to console her, but she couldn't get it out of her head and kept saying, I just keep imagining how sad it must be. After 15 minutes of tears, she decided she wanted to throw away the picture. She tore it from the book, binned it,

gave myself, my husband, my sister, our two dogs a cuddle and reluctantly went to bed. On the face of this, this doesn't sound too unusual. Here is the kicker though. Harper had drawn the picture herself only five minutes

before the drama had ensued. Her parents must be looking at each other going, what the fuck have we bred? Seven-year-old who's drawn a picture of a sad dog that's too sad for her to deal with. Oh no. That's horrible. It's unbelievable. Isn't that unbelievable?

I do sometimes think maybe a Disney film's too dark. Yeah. There's always something dead in there, isn't it? Yeah. Is death a thing? Are your daughters aware of death now, then? Yes, yes. Yeah, so the nans, my mother-in-law's cat died.

Yeah. And they were like, oh, where's Harry? mother-in-law's cat died. Yeah. And they was like, oh, where's Harry? And she said, oh, Harry died.

And she went, oh, what, why? When she, when she got old and she died. And then they're like, oh,

you're going to die, aren't you? To the nans. Yes. At some point, but they're very matter of fact of like, yeah, they'll die. You'll just die at some point.

So they don't quite realize what the kind of... Implications are of dying. They're not worried about the infinite darkness of the afterlife. No, they sort of think of death as like, oh, yeah, we'll go to Spain one day. And stuff. But yeah, I don't think anyone really gets around it. I think it's something that's always there, isn't it?

That and tax. If you have if you have got your head around death, do email in. It'd be good to know, actually. If you sorted it out, if you could explain it to us. Yeah, I think our listeners

will be quite interested in the topic, actually. If anyone out there has got their head around death, let us know. If you've made your peace with it. If you've made your peace with it if you made your peace with life and death just you'd be really i'd quite like to know what the sort of vibe is just sort of what to wear how to deal with it do you believe in ghosts rob um no i don't believe in ghosts but i do believe in giving off

different energy without saying too much like a twat that like if you're positive good good things will happen and it helps and because i think i think enthusiasm is contagious so if you're positive about an idea you can bring people together but a bad negative energy can sort of pull people apart so i'm very aware of different people coming into a room and the energy they bring to that room will have an impact and i think sometimes misplace that for spirituality or like ghosts, but I think it's like... Or like a Victorian with a head under their arm. No, none of that kind of stuff, or Casper. But what about you? Do you believe in ghosts?

No, but not enough where I would be confident of sleeping in a creaky room. Do you know what I mean? Really? Yeah, so I don't... I know in my... Logically, I'm like, well, there's no ghosts. But if you said,

do you want to walk through that creepy wood at night that is apparently haunted? I'd shit myself. You know, but I wouldn't be worried about that. I'd be worried about getting jumped by some lunatic or a bear. Yeah, but Rob, you live in Southeast London. Yeah, and that's the thing. It ain't the ghosts I'm worried about.

It's the five teenagers on dirt bikes smoking a spliff. Exactly. Whereas when you grew up on Dartmoor, there's much more likely of being attacked by a ghost than a scally. Are you near Bodmin? The Beast of Bodmin? That's north. The Beast of Bodmin's a real thing, Rob. Is it actually a real animal? Yes,

it's like a lynx or a puma or something that's been let... Someone's just had, like, you know those people that keep those big cats? Well, why don't we ever see it? Well, it occasionally pops up, doesn't it? It gets filmed. Yeah, I know, but not for... I feel like it's been filmed since about 2003. Maybe it's dead. It's probably died. Yeah, why don't we ever see it? Well, it occasionally pops up, doesn't it? It gets filmed. Yeah, I know, but not for, I don't feel like it's been filmed since about 2003.

Maybe it's dead. It's probably died. Yeah, so it was a big, yeah, like a big panther or something. Explain that to your daughter. You know the Beast of Bodmin? Yeah. It's dead. There's not been a,

there's not been a news story about the Beast of Bodmin for ages. No. Oh, two weeks ago, big cat appears in front of cyclist in Cornwall Woodland. There we go. There's a photo next to the the paw print it's fucking huge well there we go oh my god it's nearly as big as ray stubbs his face in that photo you tried to make um but you know i don't believe i don't

believe in ghosts but i do believe in a in a people's energy having an impact on their lives yeah yeah 100 um have you seen the Beast of Bodmin? All these emails you will accept. I think there are, because people must've got like, you know, because there's like, there's alligators in the sewers in New York.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's exciting. And there's turtles and a little rat. Little rat who can do Kung Fu. Have you got another email? Yeah.

Do you want to do an Instagram instagram then i'll do an email yes um okay here we go hi rob and josh i'm a big fan of your podcast and probably your only listener from egypt this is um kamal nesim i've listened to all 100 plus episodes in less than one and a half months also known as six weeks my name's kamal and i'm 26 years old and i haven't got any kids. However, I'm reaching out as I've really fucked up my friend's three-year-old. When I stubbed my toe, big up, Ray, and yelled out fuck in Arabic, obviously, and now the kid yells it out of the top of his lungs every time he sees me.

And it's going to get me in trouble with my friends, his parents, and they'll probably make me stop seeing him and playing football with him. What would Rebecca do? I'd love a bit of advice, please was my relationship with a kid these parents is at stake um love the podcast hope it goes on forever thanks for the great laughs come out well i i think you've got to ride it out come out and just laugh it off don't you think yeah a bit of fun you it's not like you've just been swearing for the sake of it you hurt yourself my daughter said oh my god the other day oh yeah and i'm i was like And I was like, I don't see that as a bad, you know, like slightly religious stuff.

I say Jesus Christ a lot. Yeah, exactly. You know, that's fine. It's just a turn of phrase. Is that all right? Well, I can give a shit, mate. Yeah, but I don't know. Yeah, but everyone can get the umpire something.

I know. I know. I try not to swear in front of her, but occasionally you do. My parents would swear in front of me. And I've turned out fine. Yeah. I swear loads, though. I do swear loads.

My parents swear. But I think as well. I don't even think about swearing. No, that's because our place of work, it doesn't matter. Yeah. That we can say whatever we want. My daughter says OMG. Does she?

Yeah, or oh my gosh. But then that's more offensive because she sounds or oh my gosh but then that that's more offensive because she sounds so posh yeah that oh my gosh daddy very different child yeah very very different being but i think that's fine come out i think as well sometimes they're going to hear it at some point they might as well hear it from their legend you don't you don't want a child that's like innocent to these things i remember when i was in year seven of school and i didn't know what 69er was and someone had to draw it on a bit of paper for me

and everyone laughed. I'm going to say it, Rob. And this is why when your daughter turned three and five, you told them what 69 was. No, somebody would say that's bad parenting. No, they're not aware of what that is. To be honest, I don't think their mum knows what that is yet. Hey, it's a lovely bit of business.

It's a bit of business. 69, there's a lot of hassle in it when you're married up. It's just one of the most overrated things in the world. It feels like it's going to be so much fun. It's a lot of admin. And no one's really on their A game. It's neither one thing nor the other, is it? If you're doing your job well, if you're doing your job well,

they're not concentrating on their job. It's a combined average effort on both ends, literally. I completely agree with you, Rob. And I think, to be honest, the nation will. And it's good. Do you know when you're like, someone needed to say this? Yes. Someone did say the 69er is overrated.

That's something I'm going to, you know. Right. Finally, we're going to get to do this merch because. The 69's overrated and four skins are funny. I think I might have stole a bit of your routine. I think I stole a bit of your routine by accident last night, Josh. Oh, no. What did you do?

Well, I didn't. Well, I did. I did. I did an observation I thought oh I think Josh has done this I was talking about how foreskins disappear

can I just say yeah if you I'm going to say I've done it anyway and if it's good I'm going to start using it okay well

this is what I said I was talking about foreskins being funny I don't think I've got any foreskin stuff no no no wait you wait wait wait it's not about the foreskin

I was saying foreskins are funny they look like they've been told off right and they look a bit sad and I do an impression of a foreskin because that's the kind of stuff I do and it's not about the foreskin i was saying foreskins are funny they look like they've been told off right yeah they look a bit sad and i'll do an impression before skin because that's the kind of stuff i do yeah and it's really great actually when you know you did impressions i do and um foreskins it's actually the first night i did that and um my impression of a foreskin and i was quite rude actually i went a bit more crass than normal and then this morning on the school run the um new preschool teacher that i haven't actually met yet said i saw your show last night at bromley so that was good to know that she's seen me do an

impression of a foreskin before i've actually got her name um so that's cool um anyway so i do that and then i say that the foreskin's weird because it disappears when you've got an erection it only exists on a flaccid penis yeah point doesn't it and that's a bit like a lap yeah i used to talk about that yeah so a lap only exists when you sat down when you And that's a bit like a lap. Yeah, I used to talk about that, yeah. So a lap only exists when you're sat down. When you're stood up, you don't have a lap anymore. So I said that when it's like a lap. I used to have a bit on that, didn't I?

Back in the day. So I feel like I've nicked that off you. Do you know what, Rob? You're welcome to it because I haven't spoken about laps in a good 10 years. Really? So could I start taking on the laps? Is that all right to use the laps? Do you know what, rob go for it because that that was in my first edinburgh show here's a question

about stand-up yeah so i've got some new stuff about amusement arcades okay but i've got some old stuff about amusement arcades from ages ago yeah i'm like well i could just drop that bit back into the new stuff about amusement arcades but i shouldn't should i because i was just like oh it would go really well just to just drop that one minute extra bit in there well i'd say if it's a one minute bit that helps all the other stuff and it links in and makes it a really good bit you probably can because there'll be people that if they did see it 10 years ago in edinburgh in an hour and a half show i don't think they're gonna be angry if one minute of it is no exactly i was just like, this would really like

add an extra bit. And it feels like if you're going to do a bit about amusement arcades, you can't ignore the dance machines. Do you know what I mean? No, exactly.

I think, you know what? Let the audience decide. Let the audience decide. Let the man in the street make the decision. Right. One more email and then wrap up.

Things you say as a parent that you can't believe you find yourself saying. There you go. From Zoe, please close the door. I'm not heating the street. That is an absolute. Love it. That is a real classic.

Love that. I'm not heating. Or, you know, I'll ball in a barn is the other option in it. But I think heat in the street adds another layer of I have to pay for you. Yeah. That real venom that, you know, you're actually quite of, I have to pay for you. Yeah. That real venom that, you know, you're actually quite annoyed how much this kid is costing you. Yes.

Yeah, exactly. Not only do I have to heat you, I've got to heat the street as well now. Claire from London has submitted, it's like Blackpool Illuminations in here. That's a great one. That is an absolute classic. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Rachel has submitted that. Rachel has submitted, it's like Blackpool Illuminations in here. What's Claire done? Claire has gone with, on the topic of things your parents used to say when you were a kid, if my brother or I went out of my parents' sight, we were told,

there might be a man in this lorry who would take you away that's a bit bleak isn't it that is really bleak that's nearly as bad as these dinosaurs aren't friends yeah i therefore grew up with a deep distrust of all lorry drivers and worrying about the sociology of dinosaurs why don't they get on well i suppose dinosaurs don't get on do they often no you're right actually quite lone beasts. If Jurassic Park... Well, I'm only going on whatever I've seen in Jurassic Park. I'm going on Jurassic Park and that alone. Yeah.

And they don't mind eating the top of toilets if they can get to pray. Exactly. Rob, it's been an absolute pleasure catching up on Correspondence. Yes, lovely stuff. Once again, haven't got through as much as we'd aim to. No, but that's because you guys send so much great stuff in. Keep it up. We'll do another one.

You know, we'll do these occasionally to catch up. We'll try and do more on Monday. Yes. Once our lives get a bit more boring. Yes, exactly. Back into the routine of school now. The kids are starting loads of activities after school and clubs are back in.

I'm allowed to go into the school to be shown around the new classroom. So I'm very excited about that, Josh. Once our children are old enough that they won't allow us to talk about them in a podcast we're really going to catch up on this correspondence big time yeah also I think we've got when we move house I think we might buy some chickens oh my it's exciting isn't it it is exciting when are you moving house maybe next year well look forward to that Do keep listening to the podcast because in a year's time, we'll be discussing some chickens. Pencil it in.

Pencil it in. Don't unsubscribe when you know that's around the corner. I'd say August 2022, we'll be looking at purchasing them. Hopefully that should give you enough lead time to get ready for this red hot chicken anecdote. But until then, let's get some emails in.

Cheers, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye.