Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP2: Mike Wozniak

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP2: Mike WozniakJoining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian, actor and writer and star of the latest series of Taskmaster - Mike WozniakEnjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Behold the DQ Freezer! An extraordinary freezer holding all the Blizzard flavors of the past. It's opening to bring back Rolo and Brownie Batter. Grab them before the DQ Freezer closes. Only at DQ. Happy tastes good. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match.

Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Josh Whitacamp. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, I'm Josh Whittaker. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. so to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully not and we'll also be hearing from the listeners with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know

what we're doing hello you are listening to parenting hell with i'm really um there we go efficient i like i like it four-year-old molly with some background from one-year-old evie for some reason this is the only podcast I'm allowed to listen to instead of yet more trolls music. That is from Will McGrath. And thank you to four-year-old Molly for letting him listen to our podcast. Oh, God, we do say some fruity things, though. I know.

Would a four-year-old understand it? Do we need to put a trigger warning on the finger up my arse bit from the last episode? I don't know. I think it's good for them to know. It's a medical finger. Yeah. I think that's the difference, isn't it?

Yeah, I think, yeah. You're not, like, talking about an awful experience that happened to you. Or a really good one. Yeah, if anything, you enjoyed it. Tell you what, I had a finger up my arse the other night. It's a medical finger. I think that's clear, isn't it?

Yeah, I think that's very clear. It was a medical finger. How are you, Josh? You all right? Yeah, I'm all right. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, you know, looking forward to life being three months down the line it's still yeah so it's still pretty tough at the moment isn't it that's that's not that's not lying still not sleeping you don't want to wish your life away do you but sometimes sometimes you

do you just want to skip through a couple of things. I do need to make a confession, though, Josh. I did some audio without you. Huh? I covered on Radio 2. What? For Claudia Winkleman. You covered for Claudia Winkleman? I did on my own.

How did it go? Well, I'd like to say thank you to all the Parenting Hell listeners that were very kind and got in touch and wished me well. However, it wasn't the ideal start to the show when I said, hello, you are listening to Rob Beckett on Absolute Radio. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no.

Yeah. Oh, I bet the blood drained from your feet at that point, Rob. Bright red. I felt hot. Whole body felt hot as I said that because I used to work on Absolute Radio. Yeah. And they they commercial radio radio they drill it into you to say that the name of the station all the time yeah it was

it was horrible I had that when I did uh I did Radio X or XFM as it was in those days and then I did Five Live and uh more than one occasion I gave out the uh Radio X phone number to get in touch because it was just drilled into me. Oh, no, that is... But did you catch yourself doing it or did you just do it? Well, the producer very much caught me doing it, Rob. Oh, it was so horrible. Yeah, that is great.

How was doing a Saturday morning radio on Radio 2? It was great fun. Do you get any picks, Rob, on the music? You get a few picks, but they do sort of... Also, I don't... Well, when you're doing cover, you don't really. I think if you're regular, you get more. What were your text topics?

I was doing a lot of Claudia's items, so it was little wins and little things like that. So I think you don't want to rock the boat early doors. You don't want to come in and go, right, let's get rid of all this shit that Claudia does. There's a new guy in town. There's a new sheriff. I've got a really good idea about, you know, times

things went wrong at work. Send them in. 889 and 912. The funny thing is, though, on Radio 2, the text number is basically the number of what it used to be. Oh, what, the frequency? Yeah, so what did it used to be? 88 to 90?

88 to 91, was it? 889, but it's 8891. And I was like, that's 88 to 90? 88 to 91, was it? But it's 8891. And I was like, that's not normally how you read numbers, is it? Do you know what I mean? It just spanned me out. Because it was like, you read the number. Let me find out what it is. What is it?

Radio 2 text in, Radio 2 text number. I mean, I should know. There should be Google in it. Also, the funny thing is, when you do get loads of texts in, because of the Radio 2 age bracket, it's like just your mum that keeps messaging you. Yeah. Because it's sort of for older crowds.

You just get loads of messages, text messages, that come through in caps with no grammar. So you sort of have to mark it before you read it out. Because I started trying to read it out. It's like, me, Gary Lynn to Cornwall on A556. I'm like, what? Going to shops to meet cousins. I'm like, okay.

Great message, guys. And I'm like, what is that? It's like a riddle, but you just have to put a comma in the full stop. But yeah, it's 88291. Oh, 88291. Yeah, so it's 88291. You have 88291. So text in 88291. Yeah, so it's 88291. You have 88291.

So text in 88291. Yeah. But it's so confusing because it's 88291. And for the oldies as well, that's not going to help. It's got to change at some point because FM will just sort of disappear. Like that's the old FM frequency and now it's all digital. So in 20 years' time, people didn't go, why do they read that number weird because you can't i got oh yeah i want i just bought a car the other day for 19 00 pounds

i mean i don't want to i mean this is probably peak me being nostalgic but yeah it used to be really tough to uh tune in the radio didn't it rob oh if your dad moved the toast of some reason it would change it as well like if anything metal went near it i remember once so you don't wear your watch near the radio come on don't watch in the radio um josh um i think rose is going to be angry with you oh no right you've appeared on Bumble what here we are

I'll send you a picture of it oh no Rob isn't the only one on dating apps luckily it isn't a fake account

someone we probably can't put this on Instagram because it's a ladies account someone screenshotted it it's you with a

girl called Laura she's obviously come and seen you at a show and you're on a front picture of me and Josh Whittaker on a Bumble page oh wow look at that

there we go see now like from a point of view Laura looks lovely in that photo as do you it's just you know Laura's a young woman trying to you know meet someone

would as if you're a bloke right and you're swiping through and you see Laura there through you see laura there she laura looks lovely but i don't know if widdicombe elks no i think she'd have a better success rate just a photo of her well do you think if you go on a date with someone that's got one of those photos you'd go so uh you met you met rob beckett then like do you think that

would be a topic for conversation also though she you though, I imagine you put loads of photos on, so I can't imagine this is her only photo. No, no, no, of course. It's just one of them. But I suppose if she's really into comedy and she wants to meet, it's quite a good conversation star, I imagine, isn't it? It is, yeah. So if it's just ones of you, like just sort of out in a pub,

I mean, I've never done online dating i'm old and i'm a dinosaur so i never know tinder didn't exist when i met lou do you think you would if we were single rob yeah do you think we'd be on online dating i mean it's hard it's hard to know isn't it because it looks a bit desperate if you sort of a bloke off the telly is now you know man it would be weird i don't know why i feel weird everywhere wouldn't it before you know it because i think online dating is everywhere, wouldn't it? Before you know it. Because I think online dating is absolutely fine. I think it's a really good way of meeting people. It makes way more sense than going to a nightclub.

Exactly. Of course. In fact, I've used the word nightclub shows how out of touch I am. Look, when I'm in a discotheque, I find it intimidating to talk to people. But I think that's what it is. And maybe that's a jumping off point. If she says interests of comedy and all that and she's met you, someone can go, oh, is that you with Josh

Willicombe? I saw him once. And then they can bond over trying to get a refund. Yes. That's lovely. It's all good fare. We can all enjoy it. It's all good fare. I wonder if anyone's ever hated my

tour show so much they've asked for a refund no no you're you're an excellent stand-up comedian josh but do you think we'd hear about it rob or do you think our agent would keep it a secret from you can't ask for a refund if you didn't find it funny that's just subjective if if you turn if we did a 20 minute show or turned up late or drunk drunk or, you know, but if you turn up and give your best, you don't get a refund at the football if you lose,

do you? Did I ever tell you that I, no. I fucking wish I did. Oh mate, I did a gig in Oxford.

It was the first, not this tour, the one before, the first night of the tour and they had a power cut and the gig got cancelled. Yeah. Everyone got a drink as a kind of thank you for you know sorry that your evening's been ruined and i was leaving and a guy saw me and he had a glass of red wine he was like you know mate got a free drink brilliant

night and i was like you're genuinely pleased that you've got a drink overseeing the show like have i told you when i was in a train crash oh yeah you got derailed oh yeah yeah in fact i saw you that day didn't i but um yeah we was in a new act competition and you won it yeah but i remember who won who won the real but who is the nation's sweetheart in the bucket hat not for long the tide will turn the tide will turn and we it took four hours and then we got moved away, and then a guy got a free drink, and he went to his wife. This is great, isn't it? You're like, no!

People will do anything for a free drink. This train crash has been excellent. Yeah, it's been brilliant, the way they've treated us during this train crash. I've really enjoyed it. Yeah, I've sprayed my ankle, I'm four hours late, but this warm... This warm Stella. It's gone down an absolute treat Here come the carrots making their way upfield

followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir?

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Buy it today at major retailers. Should we just do a quick email, Rob? Oh, well, we're here, aren't we? And emails are free. Exactly. Hey, Josh, Rob and Michael, thank you so, so much for the incredible podcast that kept me going in the last year. Recently, you've been talking about music

that children have been born to. And I thought my story might trump a few of the others. I had a planned C-section and had a Spotify playlist of relaxing classical music ready to go. Isn't that my love of a relaxing classical? Unfortunately, I'd forgotten about the adverts on Spotify. Oh, no. So my son was born to a Morrison's advert,

which focused on great cut price booze offers available just in time for Christmas. When I asked my husband about this, he kindly said our son was born to a lovely piece of classical music, but we both know the truth. Keep up the outstanding work, Lindsay. That's great. The Morrison's as well.

There could have been worse adverts though. Yes, there could have been far worse. There could have been far worse. Also, I'd say the... I can't even bother to go into this. That was one of the most boring things I've ever said. Go on, say it. Let's get it out. I'm just going to say it.

Paying to not have the adverts on Spotify is the best money that goes out of my account every month. Genuinely, that £10 is absolutely worth it. Am I the most boring man in the world? No, no, you're not. But on your day, you're up there. is absolutely worth it. Am I the most boring man in the world? No. No, you're not. But on your day, you're up there.

We should also put a shout out for music that kids were conceived to as well. Yes. That's quite funny. As well as born to. That's always a good one. Right. Let's bring on our guest, Josh.

We've got a great guest this week. Mr. Mike Wozniak star of Taskmaster he's been in a lot of sitcoms really funny bloke you've known him years haven't you I've not known him yet when I went through a big break up I once slept on his floor oh that's good to know he's a good guy he'll let you sleep on his floor

Andre Agassi always sleeps on his floor because of his bad back have I told you I'm reading an Andre Agassi book is it autobiography? Yeah, it's amazing. It's so good. It's so good.

I'm loving it. I'm halfway through, but yeah, I'm one of those people that if I'm reading a book, every time I talk to you, I'll bring up something about that book, and Lou hates it. Yeah.

Like with the Danish stuff. Like when you were reading the Bible. That was in the tense month, wasn't it? It was. You know, I was at the speaker's corner, actually going for it,

megaphone now. Just telling everyone they're going to burn in hell. Right, let's get wasn't it i got it was not wasn't it mike wasn't it thank you for joining us can you just explain to the listeners what happened there uh barking there was a bar i was barking um golly so i'm even slightly breathless from dealing with and this is the level of crisis, that's quite a high level of crisis for me these days. So I'm all, golly, all flustered. So yeah, there was barking, that was Pam, Pamela, who is a wire-haired Hungarian Vizsla,

who lives in my house. How are we spelling Vizsla? I want to see this, dog. How do you spell a Vizsla? How's that thing spelled? V-I-Z-S-L-A. Exactly how I would have done it on my own. It could be that I've got the Z and the S the wrong way around.

Beautiful dog. I was expecting an absolute mess, but it's like a gundog, isn't it? Yeah, but we've got the long hair type, which is like a gundog after a big night out. He's not safe to be handling firearms of any kind. for a big night out. He's not safe to be handling firearms of any kind. And what placated the barking, Vizsla?

I, at all times, carry with me a bag of dried bulls dicks. And what about for the dog? Lovely bit of business. My kind of humour. It's a bag of bulls dicks. I've never seen a dried bulls ball stick i've seen a wet one

obviously i'm no prude you prefer them wet and fresh um yeah the drying the the drying process definitely takes takes the edge off i would say yeah um they're long aren't they they're long they lose they lose some of their glory i would would say. They're not intimidating. Oddly, when chewed, they smell like sort of badly gone off fish as well. So there is a price to be paid. Yeah, for quiet. Yeah, yeah, very much so. But that seems, so it's bought us some time, I would say, for now.

Okay, fair enough. We'll crack on then. As well as the Hungarian Vizsla you've got, which is a lovely dog. Are they a good dog for families? Well, I don't know anything about dogs, so I think so. I don't really know. How did you end up with a Vizsla? There's no precedent for me in my life.

There's no yardstick for me to measure it by. This is your first experience of having a dog? Yeah, I've never had a dog before. How old is the dog? The dog is a lockdown dog. We jumped on that bandwagon. So as soon as it's all opened up again, we'll be sending

her back, obviously. To Budapest. Exactly. With a pride flag on its neck so exactly and she's going to join a right-wing militia yeah um mike what's your uh what's your family setup at home you've got the visitor how many kids you got we've got we've got two little girls uh So one has just this weekend turned 10. The other one is seven. Pam's about eight and a half months old. They're quite a tight unit.

Do the kids love the dog? The kids massively love the dog. The kids knew that they loved the dog before they met the dog. So my wife grew up with dogs. My wife had dogs in lieu of siblings. So I can't really tell the difference between dogs and people. I wouldn't want to go around Jairus for dinner then.

Yeah, so the children have been brainwashed from the get-go that they are dog people. So it was just a matter of time before we got a dog. You've held out a good period, ten years. I think one of us had promised the big one that years ago oh you're a bit too young you're a bit too young you're a bit too young you need

to be able to get involved with the dog and take it for walks and tidy up after the dog and when you're nine years old um but if you make a promise to a child involving an age yeah i mean they will remember that i mean it's completely verbatim. And this was, you know, they helped in remembering that by repeating the promise to you on a daily basis for four years' time. So once she did turn nine last summer, then the pressure

was really on. And we were in lockdown and we just waited long enough for the prices of a dog to soar to well above £34,000. And that's when we pounced. It's tough to get a dog. And dog walkers are in demand now.

Oh man, now is the time. Now is the time. They poodle about with their little vans, fill out with dogs. I mean, they're absolutely rolling in it. it's quite good as well but the big one wants to be a dog walker as well that's that's that's what she wants to do for her career yeah well i mean that's that's the main job she sees i think in the streets of people going about who are actually doing something and then how many dogs have they got a dog walker i think

it varies a lot there's a park we go to pam and i sort of in the middle of the day when the kids are at school where there's two dog walkers who team up and they they go bulk definitely so they've got they've got it's knocking on the door of double figures each bloody hell that's too many i thought it would be about and that is that is intense when for pam in particular who is i mean it freaks her out because they're all they're all loose and they want to see this young pup and have a sniff about and oh wow it's it's intense she basically crawls up my back and tries to pretend that she's just an unshaven backpack basically and so uh your children back at school now, presumably. They are, yeah. And your wife has a job where she leaves the house. She has an NHS job and is currently being worked to death, yes.

Yes. And then there's her layabout husband. But that means you're stuck with a dog. I'm stuck with a dog. I think I've come to terms with it. I think family life, a lot of the time, is just a slow chipping away of your self-resolve and your self-esteem. And she's very much the last nail.

My lovely little hairy last nail is what she is. So I've given in. First couple of weeks, I just thought, we've made a huge mistake. We've made a huge mistake. And, you know, you're ruining the inside of the house. And then I looked at the inside of the house, and the inside of the house is a mess anyway. And then thought about the impact that she's had on my day-to-day,

on my schedule. And even outside of lockdown, I'm mostly doing absolutely naff all anyway so to be fair she gets she gets me out for the odd airing she's doing you a favor she is she is yeah your girls obviously both in school and what are they are they are they quite easy now at 10 and 7 you, that you're beyond the sort of toddler baby years and you've not hit teenage years. Yeah, compared to Josh, where are you up to now? Is it seven weeks? Six? Seven weeks, yeah. Good grief.

Yeah, so I mean, it's not, you know, I mean, they're sort of fully sentient human beings and all that kind of stuff. I mean, they can go and get themselves a drink and all that kind of thing. Quite they can they can go and get themselves a drink and all that kind of yeah you know quite advanced at 10 pretty pretty advanced so i think yeah this is quite a nice age i think honestly i don't have a great deal of complaints about them specifically but what's

interesting some people go oh no it's just difficult in different ways it's just as difficult in different ways there's always something yeah i mean like the big one has all already begun to fathom the shortcomings of her parents for example you know it's dawning on her that actually maybe maybe we aren't world class do you know what i mean maybe we're not the finest minds in all of in all of christendom but they're still at an age where mostly at this point now that they're an age where they on the whole quite like that being with their family yeah so that is we're not getting the kickback of teenage or or tween age and you're scared of that i'm completely terrified yeah yeah because you i mean already at the age that you get you get you get little hints of it you get little moments you know during a little family spat or during an absolute humding

around whatever it might be you get particularly because the big one's got quite sort of sort of laser guided ability to to to break down your your total bullshit and and spit your own words back on you. So give me an example. Well, it might be over detail. I mean, it might be, for example, no, you're trying to be, no, we're going to talk about this, actually. We're going to sit down just for five minutes and we're going to talk about why, you know, what you did with your sister wasn't quite right.

Okay? And then there's a sort of, and she set a timer on her watch for precisely five minutes. And you said, you said after five minutes, we would stop. So I'm off. Goodbye. Thank you. That seems very officious. Rigorous.

But I think, yeah, I think so. These little moments when you have the detail of something you've said spat back at you or your own words thrown back in your face, those are the moments when you can sort of leap a few years forwards and think oh i'm gonna be out of my depth here quite badly quite soon what kind of like parent are you though because you're you know a bit more very standoff very standoff arm's length well no but like i can't take anything you say really that seriously you're always being quite silly and funny and messing about.

But then, like, that's great for a mate or a comedian. But then if you've got to, like, lay down the law. Yeah. Not for a father at all. No. Dreadful. Really unhelpful. How do you balance it?

Balance. Balance, he says. Balance. Oh, the golden chalice of balance. I don't know that I do necessarily balance it. I think on the whole I'm just sort of… Just like this. Well, maybe, but then sort of maybe occasionally just go completely apeshit.

You know. 0 to 60. So it's a sort of steady stream of likes you know slightly under the the level of what could be deemed as helpful and then in attempting to correct any of my failings uh just trying to correct them all in an intense bollocking and you live in exeter we do yeah and you do you move did you move to exeter before you had kids or did you have kids by by a matter of days basically really yeah so yeah my wife is as you know josh because you know her well is from this neck of the woods and i think always yearned to come back you know salmon swimming

back upstream thing when we had a family we taught and i've always loved devon we sort of imagined that we would i think i imagine i might we might do it when we'd we had made our fortunes in london and then you know we would return heroes to devon but we were completely skinned we just sort of did it anyway we also have the kicker that just around the corner are her parents, who I've been very, very lucky with them because they're genuinely delightful people and good fun. And to be honest, without them as our little support network, we would be completely stuffed.

Completely stuffed. And so, yeah, so we moved. Yeah. And then, yeah, not long, it was days or a couple of weeks maximum before the big one was born. So, yeah, so moving here has been like, yeah, the beginning of family life. Bosh, on you go. Get on with it.

This is it. This is your new existence. Take it away. And did you know anyone? this is it this is this is your new existence take it away and did you know anyone they're one or two people one or two people from sort of previous jobs and people who'd sort of moved around but not not really not well certainly no certainly didn't have any sort of mates mates who are sort of properly around the corner yeah god that must have been quite an isolating start to it all it was odd and yeah

most definitely pretty much anyone that i might at that time in my life you know have called up to see if they've hunted a pint or whatever they all in london everyone in london you know so that was curious although they're starting to scatter now to the four winds have you been forced to kind of make friends at the school gates then i I'm part of the community now, Josh. I'm fully ensconced. We got very lucky, actually, with our school gates here. I think, do you know how in actual school, there are good years and bad years, I find?

Like, for example, in my school where I went, two years above us, they were very cool but in quite a good way and very fun engaging interesting group of people the year above us at school 99 percent of them were toxic assholes and then our year was quite sort of dweeby and probably uninteresting which i say with affection because i've got some very good friends from that year so there's a sort of flavour. And I think there's a flavour of the school gates years as well. Oh, is there?

Our year, there's lots of quite fun people. Do you go on the lash with the people from the school gates? It's happened. It has happened. Yeah, we've now got some firm buddies. I'm tempted to do a, like, dad's pub the girl the girl's parents in my daughter's school nice and how was that first time because it's it's a bit it's hard to know isn't it that like how basically how fucked you can get in front of other people who go to your school it's basically what

it is then you've got to show up at the school gates knowing that like you've got oh you had a big one didn't you oh god we'll talk oh god so how was how are the drinks been with the other parents well i well i see i i i didn't take that approach rob i didn't i didn't just sort of kind of suggest it i went in quite it took quite a long time for me and my my wife is far more sociable than i am and she was more involved on the on the sort of tiny kid circuit when the kids were really small. So if I went to a playgroup, I'd go and I'd play with the kid and then I'd sort of leave again pretty much without talking to anyone else at all.

You'd just silently come and leave and they'd be like, who was that man with the baby and a moustache? Exactly, yeah. I think I've read about him in the news somewhere. I think you're supposed to alert this number. Don't approach him. Yeah, whereas my wife was much more engaged. So she developed a little sort of coterie of buddies

that then naturally became the same year as the School Gates people because we're all, you know, same school, same neck of the woods. And I very much, I sort of, you know, I'm a coat tailor really. I found that some of them had partners that a coat tailor really I sort of I found that some of them had partners that I liked and that I like them as well and so yeah it happened quite naturally really but through none of my own work really well yeah because I think you're a bit more standoffish I'd say with you in a social sense well I'm a bit more in your face a bit of mystique right that's what you're saying exactly and then some of the parents have got a bit of

Wozniak about them so I think I'm gonna have I've I've I've sized everyone up and I've looked at me and went I'm the one who's gonna be the cog here I'm the one that's organized you started a whatsapp group Rob no no I don't do that I hate whatsapp groups yeah I won't do whatsapp group I'll just I'm gonna go old school pub eight o'clock Friday and just see it turns up that's solid with trouble with the whatsapp you can't really leave. I've never left a WhatsApp group. I don't have the courage to do it. No.

I still find it a bit alarming when I see a notification that someone has left it. Yeah, that's heartbreaking. I wonder if it was something that I said. You don't want to be the final comment before the leave. That's the absolute hammer blow. Do you reckon Matt Hancock's still in the uh like the cabinet one the cabinet one i've just this week got added to my uh to the nursery whatsapp group i've made it in have you

and it took me so long composing my first message because i was like i don't want to feel like because i haven't been in that for a good 18 months. Why weren't you in it? They forgot me at the start, Rob. Oh, no, Josh. How did you compose it? Was it emoji heavy? What sort of tone? It's hard to convey tone, isn't it? It is, yeah, because you don't want to go at last.

You don't want to imply that you're being sarcastic. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You don't want to go too bawdy too early. No. Meme? Kick off of a meme? Kick off with a meme? Kick off with a meme.

Yeah, I did a text. It looked like it was the new lunchtime menu, but then you opened it and it was a guy with a huge dick. Yeah, you think it's just some more info about pick-up and drop-off time. And it's actually Homer Simpson going into a bush. It is awkward, that, isn't it? The parent stuff. on drop-off time. And it's actually Homer Simpson going into a bush. Well, it is awkward, that,

isn't it? The parent stuff. Because do they go to clubs and stuff? Because I think when they get to about seven and ten, it's just constant,

like, after-school clubs and weekend clubs. Is that what you're facing at the moment? There's a lot of that stuff, yeah,

but we, yeah, but we, I mean, we're not very good at the admin. So, particularly post,

kind of, pandemic and things, well, we're still in that, but obviously things starting to open up. So particularly post kind of pandemic and things, well, we're still in that, but obviously things starting to open up. So there's some stuff that they do. But sport, we've been very bad with. Because there were school clubs. There's no school clubs anymore.

So it's all you've got to find clubs elsewhere. So, I mean, there's literally no chance of our children getting an Olympic medal for anything. Yeah, there's going to be a really shit Olympics where no PBs are beat and there's literally no chance of our children getting an Olympic medal for anything. Yeah, there's going to be really shit Olympics where no PBs are beat and there's no new records. Someone wins 100 metres, a 30-second jog. Yeah, because we sort of forgot. I mean, they get out and about and everything,

but I mean, like cricket, for example, it doesn't occur to me that you might want to learn how to play cricket. They don't want to learn how to play cricket, Mike. That's what I would have thought. And then the small one comes back the other day, and that's all they're talking about is cricket, because one of her friends is in cricket club

and is teaching them all how to bowl and all this kind of stuff. You can't legislate for that, I don't think. You can't legislate for the game. She then tried to do the father-child thing of us going in the park and we're going to learn some cricket and daddy's going to teach me some his googly and all this kind of stuff and within five minutes it was the other way around she a seven-year-old child was teaching me how to bowl a cricket ball no well louisa says you do it like this you hold it up as if you're about to eat an apple. And then you, yes, that's right. No, no, no. Yeah, closer. And then you bring it down a second.

And then, yeah. Absolutely pathetic sight. Before you was a comedian, or you are a comedian, Mike, you was a doctor. Yeah, briefly. Do people still tap you up for info about their kids? Because when you've got people with massive sort of overpanickers, aren't they, for kids and illnesses illnesses do you still get that or not no no no mercifully the friends who know that about me they know what's good for them right

and I've been out of the game for 12 13 years yeah which means doesn't change though does it well the treatments might you know what I mean you don't hear many leeches being bandied around you know you don't we don't tend to amputate unless we really need to these days, Josh. Electric shock treatment for COVID. Exactly. That'll get you breathing. Fibing them up. Yeah.

So I've been out of the game a long time, and it's long enough that I still have, like there's the confidence and the swagger, but none of the detail from any of the information is still there. So I would be more dangerous than either of you at this point. But they also know that my wife is in the trade. Yeah. She's a doctor as well? Yeah, she's a GP.

My dad is a retired, fairly recently retired pediatrician. So my dad is the one who gets the is has the hot phone yes basically so it could be that's it could even be friends of friends who sometimes it's friends of friends who've like never even met him and they're like i hear you've got a i hear you've got a dad who's a retired pediatrician mind if i you know and so i mean he i mean yeah since we us and our friends started having kids yeah he's the phone's been ringing off the hook especially in the phase when everyone's kids were very small yeah yeah but that's such a sort of power play being related or knowing someone that is a pediatrician or a gp it's like the middle class equivalent of working class people

knowing someone that can get you coke in it you're up be at a party you're fine with the gp they can as well rob you know i mean it's like it's only two with you know i'm i could get coke quicker than a gp appointment i reckon in my phone book where you could obviously get you know doctor advice much quicker and i use that i use that as, yeah, as a bargaining chip. As currency. I use that as leverage with all of my friends. And I, yeah, I get what I want. And then, yeah, after a few days, yeah, they send me a picture of their kid's dick and I show it to my dad.

So what do you think about this? Just a rash. What do you think about this, Dad? Stop touching it. It'll get better. Yeah. Dry it and give it to my dog. Exactly.

Yeah, there's always a solution. Well, have we got a time limit on the bull's dry dick? Or how long does it take for him to my dog exactly yeah there's always a solution well have we got a time limit on the bull's dry dick or how long does it take for him to go through a bull's dick she please sorry can i say something i don't believe that all dogs to me are just dogs i don't believe that they're boy ones or girl ones and i get obviously they do have different genitalia you know and they are biologically male or female but if you look at a dog there is no way you can tell if a dog is male or female just from looking you look at a dog, there is no way you can tell if a dog is male or female just from looking at it.

I mean, you've got to get your angles right. I've got mirrors. I'm not upskirting Pam, Mike. But from a dog's face, can you tell? Well, you're not a dog player. You don't know dogs, do you? But I can never tell from a dog's face. No, that's true.

That's true. Do you have much involvement with the school? Like, you say you're part of the community. Like, are you a governor? Are you doing any of that kind of stuff? Because you're quite a kind of, you know, you've got an air of authority about you, I'd say. I've definitely got the time, right? You've got the time on your hands. I haven't done any of that.

There'll be the odd, I mean, apart from just being a bit of muscle now and again, so the people who do that, you know, in the old days when there were things like sports days or you know some some big event and some people just needed to put a gazebo up you know do you ever do the barbecue on a jumble sale not trusted with the barbecue not trusted making not trusted with that was briefly trusted to have a go at doing face paints. Oh, wow. Was sent away with a flea in my ear after about two subjects. I think that's a tough gig, face painting.

It's extremely tough. And I did not cover myself with glory. And it had gone from being three of us doing it with even-sized queues to my queue suddenly just vanishing into thin air. Queues of the people on either side of me suddenly became unmanageably large. What did you do? I was just sent away. They're like, oh, Mike, thanks.

I think there's a gazebo that needs putting up over there. I don't think there is yet. Just have a look. Just have a look and see if you can find a gazebo. I'm third in the queue. I'm third in the queue, Mike, right? What have I just seen you do? And what are my options to have?

You've seen someone ask for a panda. Oh, that's easy, isn't it? White and black. Very quickly, they look like they've been subjected to a very serious gang beating there are debates as to whether or not the white and the black is the wrong way around in the eye patches there is smearing down the side of the neck there's complaints from the subject that they're having difficulty seeing now there's the eye is stinging and so on funny taste of mouth

probably shouldn't be in the mouth or eyes or nose yeah and then the next one were you confident going into it no no not at all i'm not very good at anything arts and crafts at all it was just you know these things that they're fast that they're fluid you react if you're part of the general cache of of general helpers you know and someone says oh michael we're a person down on the you know on face paints could you go and do that for a minute i don't think that's it sorry uh joe said i don't think that's a great idea because just just do it just please okay okay and then yeah never again never again never again called on your because they must be like you're the person that should do the speaking or the – you know.

That happened once. Did it? Yeah, and that was in a general sort of school and community event in a nearby park where there were a couple of live things going on. Like there was a little band and there was a little kids' theatre troupe that did manage to corral the attention of the crowd and they asked me to to do stuff in in between and do some you're a stand-up mike maybe you could do some bits in there oh oh no i don't know it's a guess not might not be a good idea because there's loads of stuff and there's people dunking apples and there's

i don't necessarily know that everyone's going to listen and it's probably not really one for sort of gangs or i tend to do quite long winded stories. That's what shaggy dogs tells. Might miss bits of it. Oh, I could just do it. I just help. Okay.

And then just, yeah, absolute toe curling me speaking to a microphone, a couple of penches looking at me quite confused. Should he really have the microphone? Who is this man? Oh, man alive. Welcome to the community fair, everybody.

A round of applause for purest agony. So again, that wasn't suggested next time around. So I'm slowly whittling down my community duties by saying yes and then executing them so poorly that I'm not arsed back.

How was you at the baby stage with all the sort of night feeds and the sort of getting up and the nappies and stuff like that? Was that almost easier in a way? I'm a very, I've talked about this before elsewhere, but I'm a very heavy sleeper

and arguably a danger very heavy sleeper and arguably a dangerously heavy sleeper and also I can go to sleep anywhere and will fall asleep very quickly so for example things weren't looking good when I found myself

being woken up by a midwife about an hour before my first child was born in the seat next to my screaming wife. And the look of disgust on her face of sympathy where she thought, oh, this poor woman. And the look of disgust on her face.

And of sympathy where she thought, oh, this poor woman. This woman might as well be a widow. She might as well be alone. And she was in full-blown labour. She was in full-blown labour. And I had succeeded in catching a few of these. How many hours in? I mean, it was a long labour. I mean, I was tired.

It was a long time, to be fair to me. You know, it's 24 hours plus. Yeah. It had been a bloody gruelling day. I was knackered. That's the weird thing about labour. If you'd had that day, right, and you weren't giving birth

and your partner wasn't giving birth and you come home, everyone would go, you must be knackered. But because someone's had such a worse day, it's almost like that didn't happen to you, but you can't mention it. So you have to be like,

yeah, I've not slept for two days, but that's normal, isn't it? That's fine. Everyone gives two shits. Yeah, you just know instinctively, I can't complain about this to anybody. Yeah. I've got to keep this to myself.

But I'm really tired. I'm really tired. I want someone to make me a sandwich. I just want to sit down and have a drink. Put me to bed. During the nights in that first year or two then, were you useless or were you... I sort of worked out that once I was asleep,

so I had to kind of like, to be helpful, I had to be awake and I had to be on my feet. If I was on my feet, I was all right. I was also very, very good at physically putting the babies down. The first one in particular, I'm quite a clumsy man. So sort of jiggle, jiggle out of sleep. And the big one did require jiggling, a sort of squat. Legs, there was a very specific position that I discovered,

sort of legs quite far apart, sort of bouncing. It looked like, sort of looking like you're trying to gently shake something off your ass, but something fragile. And then she would make the noise of a sort of creaky door, and then you'd know you were there. But if I stopped doing that jiggling and tried to put her down, basically they would just be sort of, hey, whoopsie-daisy, and then back to square one.

So I just had to stay like that sometimes for hours. So my quads. Oh, let me tell you. I would say, I think you have got quite a powerful arse and quads, Mike. That's where it comes from. Is that what it is? Yeah, powerful arse and quads. But that's it.

But if I then went to sleep, they're also breast feeders, both of these kids. And my wife wasn't very keen on kind of squeezing the breast milk into bottles or anything like that. Although she said that, Christ, now I'm thinking about it. Maybe it's just because she thought there was no chance of me actually waking up to, oh, no. Oh, no. She was just selling me a line.

Yeah. I've never heard breast feeders be kids because that before I know that the kids were breastfed, but breastfeeders sound like people that still do it in their adulthood. It's like a weird kid breastfeeders or they're a couple of breastfeeders. They are, but they continue to do it. There's a scene that Tom S not far from where I live.

I think there's quite a, it's quite a big scene of, uh, of your, of your older breastfeeder, the elder breastfeeding. Yeah. Your a big scene of your older breastfeeder. The elder breastfeeder. Yeah, your double figures in age breastfeeder. I mean, whatever suits you guys.

I've been reading the Andre Agassi book, right? And his upbringing was insane. It's an incredible book. And I think you get more out of it, like now I've had kids because it's all about his upbringing and you're always worried about how you're treating your kids and stuff.

And he said that his mom and grandmother never got on because once when he was a baby his mom found his grandmother breastfeeding him in the kitchen oh my god could you imagine that happening with your wife and your mom just like how does she manage that though she she must have she got it because you've got to keep your you've got to keep your hand in right so she's yeah she's just been going about nursing sort of brats all over the place just so that she's ready for the big day when she's got a grand grandkid of her own now i i this is a kind of sensitive question mike but i'm gonna throw it out there because i think we're friends are you worried that i think if if I was to describe you, I'd say you'd be a really fun parent to have until you're about 12 or 13.

And then you might be quite embarrassing. Oh, no. What you've done is you've absolutely hit the bullseye on one of my greatest fears. Gosh. You've expressed in words down my down my ears something i've been been dreading and i'm concerned about for for 10 years yeah i don't apologize that's okay that's okay yeah yeah like because i i i i would say mike that you are you know your whole you don't mind embarrassing yourself on tv you don't mind making yourself a butt of the butt of the joke so to

speak yes yeah do you think having teenage daughters would make you change your kind of approach to life in that sense i don't know you would hope so right you would hope if you were causing them swinging embarrassment at every turn that you might try and prevent them from experiencing that agony. I mean, I don't know. I mean, let's keep an eye on it, shall we?

I mean, I'll watch myself. But you can't, wherever you go, there you are, right? And I think sometimes if you're if you embarrass people sometimes you do that not because of something you've said or you've done just because you're just because you're standing there with a big red puffy face and you've got a big mustache in the middle of it and you don't don't really know what to do with your hands or something you know what would you do if your daughter said dad this mustache has got to go we're teenagers give us a chance but i but i've got a but i've got a guest part in uh in horrible histories coming up where i get to play a

1940s scientist so please please i don't like to use the false ones because they're all sticky and they feel gross do you have you done any kids tv well i have done a bit of horrible histories have you and did your daughters love it they did actually and again i think that because it's so they saw that when they were small i think where they did it doesn't it doesn't occur to them that it might be odd that dad's on the telly or whatever yeah novelty just because it's been the job yeah or they're not impressed by it or anything like that yeah thank goodness yeah but that was just i did a couple i mean i bloody love that job i'd have loved to do more but it's anything like that yeah thank goodness yeah but that was just i did a couple i mean i

bloody love that job i'd have loved to do more but it's yeah so that was fun and also that's quite a nice thing for them to have seen me in for the first time because it's such a good show rather than you know rather than you're like an embarrassing neighbor and waffle or something like that exactly exactly yeah. Or someone one day... No offense to Hobbobs, by the way. Someone one day gives me my own sitcom and I make an absolute fucking pig's ear of it. And it's famously the worst piece of television ever made.

And then that's what they see. You know, that's the fear. You've always got horrible histories. Exactly. You've always... Yeah, I had a strong start. I auditioned for Waffle the Dog. Oh, you auditioned...

What? You auditioned to be Waffle auditioned for Waffle the dog. Oh, you auditioned for what? You auditioned to be Waffle? To be Waffle. Did you? It's quite an extensive audition as well. The voice? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just checking.

But you were not interested in dogs at all at that point. No, I know. I had to really deploy my incredible powers of acting for that one. I had to pretend to be a man pretending to be into dogs who was trying to pretend to be a dog it was complex it was too many levels for me how far did you get did you get close to it there's only one audition all right quite long you know i mean normally in auditions i'm in there for about three minutes you know max and they're like yes thanks that'll do you know these days it's all kind of casting tapes you have to send in little videos

of yourself yeah and you can tell on video how many times they've been they've been watched or in my case often not watched and you can also tell how many people completed the video you know and that is that is a crushing statistic what's been your best numbers and worst numbers do you want to share i did something quite recently oh it's something i can't even say what it is because they the levels of secrecy were similar to that of the nuclear codes right there were ndas everywhere watermark things but it was basically a kind of a sort of epic fantasy thing. Yeah. And it's a tiny, tiny part. And there were two views,

one of which was complete, one of which finished after, I think, about 16 seconds. And then I worked out later that the one that was complete was me checking that the video was all right. was me checking that the video was all right the brutal realities of the industry like yeah and are they proud of like are they aware of what you do now like and does it make sense to them then yeah it makes sense they're not proud no there's no there's this possibly discussed what hang on so hang on you've got a perfectly good job before and then you. So, hang on. You had a perfectly good job before,

and then you... Sorry, take me through this again. You had a perfectly good job, with a sort of decent pension, and then you... No, I don't get it at all. Sorry. Sorry, Dad.

How would you feel if they, you know, went studying to become doctors or lawyers and had those sort of jobs, and then wanted to stop it all to go and do comedy? Would you support it? I would be able to tell them, from experience,

that it's a huge mistake. They must go back to the job they didn't like. Who else in Exeter is kind of, who are the leading lights of the Exeter cultural scene? Well, Katie Hopkins is number one, I'd say. Oh, is Hopkins there? Oh, yeah. And have you bumped into Hopkins?

She used to live very, very close to where we live until, was it Jack Munro? Yeah. Did for her, legally. Yeah. I once did a pilot. I'm not very into prank stuff, generally, but I did once take a job as a, it was supposed to be like a prank thing, but it was supposed to be satirical. So I thought it'd be all right yeah i think it was okay generally but i got involved in this prank show years ago where i had to pretend to be a host of a tv discussion panel at which

various kind of sort of falsely enraged pundits were invited to talk about what was it it was something about that the eating some some sort of completely falsified eating endangered animals scene or various things like a kind of brass eye style exactly that that's what they were going for and she was one of the panelists and i didn't know at the time that she was a a neighbor and i've been an extra for a couple of years at this point and then less than a week later I was walking up the street from my house and my wife, who had no idea who she was, I said, oh, look, there's that,

oh, there's that, what's her name? She's just moved up from the big house over there. She's just staying on our street for a couple of weeks while I have a bit of work to do. Hello, hi. Oh, Katie. Katie, hi. I just met her the other day, actually.

We should be friendly because she's going to be on our street for a couple of weeks. And yeah, it was Katie bloody Hopkins hopkins oh what was she like was then presented with with me a man who just tried to humiliate her oh god show her for being a sort of yeah oh god did you have you seen tom parry because tom parry is a kind of legendary guest on this because he um well he's pretty fresh into the whole scene we interviewed him about six months in was it how far in was it

rob do you reckon six weeks i think was it three months yeah it's quite soon he was living an insane existence yeah of staying up all night with his child yeah asleep on him have you have you seen him i've seen him yeah but he's the thing is with tom when you see the man physically he's sort of he's always beaming such positive energy you could never believe that his life's so bad that he's exactly that he's he's living a nightmare you wouldn't you know i mean those are the people who end up eventually of course committing a spree people who end up eventually of course committing a spree topless just going mental exactly um mike does your wife work full-time as a gp like how do you split up the like parenting she's got she's fallen into the the trap of of many a working mother where she's kind of part-time full-time

so she's got a sort of a sort of part-time contract but if you totted up the hours that she does it's just it's just a full-time job there's-time contract but if you totted up the hours that she does it's just just a full-time job there's no two ways around it you know it's quite it's a very busy full-time job with long hours and so do you do a lot of the pick up a drop off and all the dinner after school and all of that is that somehow it's a mixed bag because their hours are funny as well that day we sort of we find a way because she doesn't want me to do all of that because she doesn't you know so she'll sometimes if she's got some paperwork and stuff to catch up with, then sometimes she'll go in very late when the kids are asleep or something. Do you know what I mean?

So she might have a fun bit of day where they're back from school. And so she actually gets to see them and enjoy a bit of life. And then the time that she could just spend having one on one time with me, she chooses. She chooses that is the expendable time. That's the time she could probably do without. Yeah, which is very wise. And also there's the in-laws as well, who are pivotal. Especially if I have to disappear off somewhere for a gig or a little acting

job or something. I mean, they are completely vital to our existence. That makes a massive difference. It's the same for us because huge with uh lose parents are nearby my parents aren't far either but they're literally around the corner lose yeah and they're both sets of parents really help but like it's like literally if i had someone rung me up for me a gig now i can get childcare i couldn't do it just to go to the pub obviously you could pretend that you've got a gig and go to the pub. Well, yeah, I could, but I'd never do that. Because, you know, around the corner,

you've got that baby boomer slave labour ready to go. Exactly. And yeah, sure, I might go and do an unpaid gig for five minutes just so I can get pissed after, but I was working. And you get on really well with them, do you? Yeah, thank God. I mean, mean i've yeah really landed on my feet there it's amazing i've got no complaints yeah zero i mean they're up point because i'm so useless in the house as well like diy for example that kind of stuff very very bad and

it's a bit like the face paints you know if i if i do rarely i will be allowed to do something and then it will go catastrophically wrong the last time i put up a shelf was about 15 years ago and then my wife and i were working up in the middle of the night because the shelf that was stuffed with quite heavy medical textbooks collapsed onto our heads in the middle of the night you know and so so i mean there was an occasion just before the pandemic started where i i realized that my father had come into the house because lucy was working really hard and he had come into the house uh while i was out to change a light bulb and at that point i thought okay mike you're not pulling your weight diy wise. That is bad.

This is something you could have got around to. And also, looking at my notebook, did not need to go on a to-do list at all. Did not need to be written down. No. Just needed to be done. I worry about this because is it that our generation is just shit?

I think we might just be shit. They need the at. It's just, yeah, I think we might be. Because in 20 years, are we going to be able to help our children with practical tasks? Basically, I think the problem is we've got too old and had it too easy. We haven't had any major hardships. We haven't had a major hardships like we haven't we haven't had

a ruddy good war you know with uh conscription for example to to give us to thin out the people like me you were wrong exactly and we we haven't had to deal with a pandemic in our formative years and therefore deal with not not being able to have everything that we might've wanted at the drop of a hat. I think it also is to do with like what we do as jobs though, because we are just pathetic, like needy attention seekers that go out and talk for a living where other people do have proper jobs where they learn, you know,

the kind of stuff where like it all feeds into it. Do you know what I mean? Or they've got a bit of resilience and all that kind of thing. Yeah. Or they've got a mate that they cannot say. If you don't say if you did do this job, like if you've got mates that are plumbers and carpenters and stuff like that,

you can say, show us how that works. But like, if you haven't got any of those people, you just sort of go, Oh no. And just rely on dads or fathers. Oh,

show me how you operate that marionette puppet, please. Yeah. It's not. Yeah, exactly. It's not coming in handy. If you want to know how to locally record on QuickTime and send it on a zip file, sure. We always end with the same question, Mike.

And you've been very positive about your wife. But, Rob, what is the final question? Well, it's Crosby's Law, introduced by Matt Crosby, where what is the one thing that your partner does parenting-wise that annoys you but you can't bring it up without there being a bit of an argument? But if she did listen to this, she would think, yeah, Mike, you've got a point there, fair enough.

Oh. I'd be, for a start, I'd be reaching for it. And also, it's probably clear from this, our chat, and it's certainly very clear to anyone who knows us, that if either of us got picked off, what would happen to the children would be very different. It was me as opposed to her. Do you know what I mean?

I mean, if I got squashed under a grand piano immediately after this, that would probably be a few days before anyone noticed, necessarily. Dog's barking at it. What is it barking at that piano? It's probably a bull's dick under there. She's quite a chaotic creature, I would say. But that's kind of part of the fun.

But I don't... These are not things that i would change necessarily for example i mean it might be that i might like were i to sort of rewire her brain so that she did know where her phone or her keys or her wallet was or where she parked the car you know all that kind of stuff or any of that then then you'd lose quite a lot of the other stuff as well i think i mean in homeschooling for example there i was with my grammar school education trying and failing to sort of you know drill in verb tables and long division into children who had no idea what the fuck i was talking about was just making their education worse just stressing them out,

and not really understanding anything I was telling them either. And she, for example, she had them for a homeschool day. They spent the whole day just painting the front wall of the house in a giant rainbow. It was awesome. That's what she did on her homeschool day? Yeah, and they had a great time, and they were very happy. And instead of going through the probably educationally damaging process

of being left with me for a day and a book of geography facts, you know, sort of 41-year-old man trying to make you memorize the capital of Slovenia for some fucking reason. Ljubljana. Very good. And spell it correctly take it away Rob I actually just had a really nice

time and we're just happy and then slept well and then just caught up when school started again we might have to check in when they're 15 and 13 Mike I think your life could be in a very different way school starters again. Yeah. We might have to check in when they're 15 and 13, Mike. Okay. I think your life could be in a very different way. This is the final,

enjoy this last year or so before it all changes, Mike. I've still got the small one though, right? The small one, they've got a bit more time in the small one. Although maybe she'll be, perhaps she'll become, do they, do they become teenage when the other one, when the older one though, right? The small one. They've got a bit more time in the small one. Although maybe she'll become,

do they become teenage when the other one, when the older one becomes teenage? They become teenager quicker, don't they? Do they? Because they just follow their older sister. Precocious adolescence kind of thing. So the thought of you sitting your daughters down to tell them about the birds and the bees. Ah, yes.

Well, I've already written that speech out. That's ready to go. It's a two-hour monologue with hand-drawn illustrations this is mummy this is me and this is pam she's not involved that's just for a little bit of fun what pam's doing with that bull's dick that's not how you do it uh mike it's been an absolute joy. I wouldn't find

you embarrassing at all. On the embarrassing thing, before you go, Mike, have they seen you on Taskmaster shitting yourself? They have. And what do I think? They have. Well, they I mean, obviously for the record, you know,

I mean, it was a hemorrhoid, right? So that was number one, was what's that? So we had to pause. It's quite hard to explain about the architecture of the anal cushion to a seven and a ten-year-old, particularly when you can't quite remember it very well yourself. But they took that surprisingly well, I don't think. And also I was slightly dreading that episode school gates-wise

because I knew that lots of other kids were watching it. I thought they might get a bit of a hard time or there'd be lots of kids going, ah, your fucking dad's arse has fallen out of itself. For context, if you haven't seen Sarce Master, this is where you had to fart. I was given a cast to fart, which ordinarily is not an issue. It's something I'm known for in the house.

It is the trumpet with which the beginning of each day is started. Yeah, but for some reason, it took me literally hours, and I was pumping and straining to the point where, yeah, literally a hemorrhoid popped out of my bum. Well, you know, it's nothing to be ashamed of. When you're over 40, men's arseholes just fall to pieces. I think it's okay to be a little bit ashamed of it. I think it's okay.

You know, I'm in my 40s. I'm trying to do a fart for a living and developing a cute hemorrhoid. I think a bit of shame is probably a good idea on this occasion. A little bit of shame. They took that surprisingly well, which I, at the time,

I thought I was quite proud of them because I thought, oh, okay, yeah, you realize, you know,

life isn't perfect, you know, and, you know, if wishes were horses and so on, but after this discussion and wondering,

maybe it's just because they think Fitz is a pattern of quite an embarrassing father, and it's just, they expect nothing more of us. They won't find you embarrassing at all, Mike.

You promise? I promise. Yeah, we've got that. You can have that. You can have that for a month. That's 100% guaranteed for us. Okay, great. Thanks so much, Mike.

Really appreciate it. Cheers, Mike. Thank you. Cheerio. Mike Wozniak. There we go. I love Mike Wozniak. Yeah. i love mark wozniak yeah i mean absolutely unique human being but you imagine that like he had that conversation with us but i just imagine he sits in a chair

on his own and having that conversation anyway yeah just with the dog yeah i can picture his wife now where he just sort of says what we got to do this and he just goes well and she just does it and goes oh fuck it i'll just do it um do you worry you'll be an embarrassing dad rob well i'm hoping really that i'm gonna do all the most embarrassing things in my career in the next five years and then when they get to 10 i might get a little bit more precious with what i do and don't do and then all that stuff will be in the past so it'll be like archive stuff which is but yeah you don't want them at 14 at the school gates and you're having a colonic on sky one that's already happened exactly you want that so it'll be like archive stuff which is but yeah you don't want them at 14 at the school gates and you're having a colonic on sky one that's already happened exactly you want that to just

be on youtube don't you yeah because the kids don't watch that kids teenagers won't see you don't they're not on youtube they famously just watch scheduled tv children that's how it works one two three and four they don't involve with five no no exactly a bit too modern for them exactly but no i don't worry too what about you do you worry uh a bit yeah i think so i mean it feels so far off at the moment you know what i mean josh we comedians the things that ruin all comedians is one they want to be taken seriously two they get into politics or three they want to be a singer those three things will ruin a comedian's career. Well, good news, Rob.

I can't sing. I've got no interest in politics. And no one's going to take me seriously. So it's fine. I will bring out a swing album. I think that's okay. It's just if you're trying to do a cool singing thing. Yeah, I can imagine you doing a swing album.

I'll do some Christmas classics. It'll go to number one. And then you'll tour. And it'll actually sell better than any of our stand-up has sold on tour. And suddenly you'll be, you know, Bradley Walsh. Hated by the whole circuit. That's the dream. Hated by the whole circuit.

That's what you want as a comic. Absolutely. If everyone hates you, you're doing it wrong. You're building a swimming pool off the back of your cover of Mac the Knife. And heating it up with my way. Right. See you later. You've got to go and pick up those kids, haven't you my way. Right. See you later. You've got to go and pick up those kids, haven't you?

Bye. Bye.