Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP20: Stephen Mangan

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP20: Stephen Mangan Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant actor, comedian, presenter and writer - Stephen Mangan. Stephen's fantastic children's book 'Escape the Rooms' is available now. Illustrated by his sister, Anita Mangan. Please rate and review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. No! No! Josh Widdicombe. Good.

And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Nice. Very strong. That was. That screaming in the background. I was having flashbacks of the kid's birthday party last week. PTSD.

Hi, Rob and Josh. Wondering if you could give a shout out to the partners of people deployed with the UK military. My husband is currently four months into a seven month deployment with the Royal Navy. I'm at home working part time as a palliative care nurse and raising our two boys dylan about to turn three and ruben 18 months bit of regretting the ptsd reference now i didn't know that was happening oh dear god i've actually got ptsd pre as well as post my husband has pulled a blinder and knocked me up before he left so i'm also seven months pregnant so please send me all your positive vibes to get me through and spare thought for all those with deployed partners yes so many out there that's from zoe big up all the uh deployed

guys and gals out there those are like soldier and homecoming videos on on on the internet they're they're good you've seen them when they come home from a tour and their kids haven't seen them for like eight months and they hug them and play sad music i cry to that sometimes yeah journeys that's what we that's what my life was like after the 12 episodes of The Last Leg during the Paralympics. Yeah, they cried

because you came home, not because... Oh my God, I've just got an email from nursery called chicken pox and hand, foot and mouth. Shoot me in the head, Rob.

I keep getting them emails going like, oh, there's a COVID case. Please not my kid. Please not my kid. Please not my kid. It's all clear in my room. I'm going to say it.

Is there a worse phone number to come up on your phone than nursery? Genuinely, I'd prefer to see the phone number of an ex than the phone number of the nursery at 11am. Yes. Yeah, that is the worst call you can get at 11am. About nine-ish, it might be. Oh, they forgot PE. Do you want to pop it in for later? You haven't got the kit or you haven't got this can get at 11am. About nine-ish, it might be. Oh, they forgot PE. Do you want to pop it in for later?

Like you haven't got the kit or you haven't got this. But at 11am. Yeah, I've not had that call recently, thank God. Yeah, what a life. What a life. We've got to be quick here. Instagram messages. One thing's annoying me.

Childless people that are on holiday in September because it's cheaper, splashing it all over Instagram can go fuck themselves. I can't deal with it. Just getting up by the pool day out on the piss. And it's actually, I've been muting people on Instagram because they've been happy, which is not, you know,

that's obviously more my problem. They're doing nothing wrong, but I just don't want to see it happening. Yeah. It's, it's, it's awful. Imagine going to Greece with Rose for a week with no children,

not even like, but like not no children, like your children don't exist, so there's no guilt. Yeah, yeah. You're not worried about quarantine, because what's the worst that could happen? You get two more weeks of holiday. Do you know what I mean? It's not like...

Anyway, fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off. Sorry, Josh. I just want a holiday so bad. That's the thing. It's like Max Rushton of the Guardian Football Weekly podcast, who I follow on Instagram, has just moved to Australia, and he was doing his 14th day.

Is he still... He's moved to Australia, yeah. Doesn't he do TalkSport? Yeah, he's doing it from days. Has he? He's moved to Australia, yeah. Doesn't he do TalkSport? Yeah, he's doing it from Australia. That's the life, isn't it? Yeah. That's terrible. What's his shift? His hours are going to be bad.

What time is he on the radio in the UK? 10am. Oh, the geezer's got problems, hasn't he? What time is that in Australia? Midnight? Midnight, yes. Who cares about Max Rushton's week? Anyway, my point is that he is doing his 14 days

in the hotel room and i was just looking at going this looks fucking great this looks absolutely what i need oh actually it's an absolute blinder apparently it's 7 p.m at night 10 a.m oh no wonder he's moved to australia that's the only reason he's done it anyway let's get on with our instagrams uh yes instagrams let's do let's do this okay joshs. Yes, Instagrams. Let's do this. Okay, Josh, tyre pressure. We've had a lot of messages about this for you, Josh. Oh, no. You know you panicked and didn't know what tyre pressure to do. Basically, it's on the door.

So if you open the driver door, there's a sticker label, and it'll tell you the correct pressure. Oh. Oh, thank you. That's Tracy and Deborah that's messaged in with that. I bought a tyre pressure thing now so I can do it in the street. Well, you can just pump it in the street. Yeah, but as you can imagine, if you listen to Tuesday's episode,

that is so far down on my to-do list. Oh, my fuel's not going to be quite efficient enough because my tyres aren't pumped up. I'll be fine for the next week. Yeah. Okay, now, thing, I have no opinion on. We asked for this the other day. I don't know what it was about.

Oh, yeah, that's good. I don't have it because everyone's got an opinion i said think some steve henry said pepsi or coke i don't care yes that's a good one things i don't have an opinion on it's a really good it's one of the great text topics because when you go into places what i think is there's a real market employer coke and pepsi yeah whenever you go oh can i get a can of coke or whatever somewhere and they go oh i'm really sorry we only do pepsi is that okay i think the messaging needs to be better where if you went oh we don't have coke we've got pepsi you think you get you always think you're getting something worse but actually it might be better but if it's always delivered to you you know is that okay it needs to be a bit more like no we've got pepsi this is the thing about Coke and Pepsi is like,

you might not have a favourite, but you go into a bar, you never get the option because they've just got the contract for one, haven't they? Yeah, it's almost like mafia controlled. It's like a racketeering. You go into one area, whatever you, if you want Coke, you don't get a choice. It's one or t'other.

I feel a bit like that with most of the lagers, Rob. When you're at the bar and people go, which one do you want? And I just have to kind of, I have to pretend that I care whether it's an Amstel. No, I care. I care.

It's just my taste buds aren't advanced enough, I don't know. Well, look, Foster's and Carlin, not for me. No, I understand that. I'll draw the line there.

But, so I'm a, like, Moretti. Moretti's probably my favourite or Heineken, Amstel, sometimes Stella. It'sel. Sometimes Stella. It's a bit lively, though. But then I can't get on board with...

This is the first day of a Stag Dude chat. I can't get on board with, like, John Smith's, or, like, you know, hoppy Brewdog stuff. It's too much for me. Camden's quite nice. Camden Town Lager's nice. That's a good one. This fails on the things we don't have an opinion on.

What other things do people not have opinions on? It was literally just that. Oh, fair enough. Do send in your things you don't have an opinion on what other things do people not have opinions on it was literally just that oh fair enough do send in your things you don't have an opinion on then we've got we've got another one this is a more tired than josh uh instagram here hi dear rob and josh i love your podcast please never stop i would like to regale you with an incident that took place many years ago when my son was around six months old normally a placid calm baby around this time he developed an intolerance to cow's milk he was eventually diagnosed we moved on to soya temporarily all salted but before that he had been crying almost non-stop for three days by this point i was basically a zombie my partner arrived home from work one evening and took over but i decided to

pop up to the village shop to get something it was only a five minute walk but on the way there i remember being really tempted to just lie down at the side of the road for a nap. I did do this and I went to the shop. Coming out of the shop, in my sleep deprived state, I did not question why on earth my partner had pulled up outside in our car, just grateful I didn't have to find the energy to trek home. I got in the car and sank into the passenger seat. It was quite a few seconds before I realised the driver wasn't my partner. And the car, of course, wasn't our car. I was just sat in a stranger's car.

However, it was so comfortable and I was so tired that I turned to this stranger next to me. And offered him my change, £2.50, for a lift home, giving him the address. It did cross my mind, as we pulled away from the shop that these could be my final moments on this. He took her up on it. Well, yeah. Luckily, a very nice man obliged and refused the offer of hard cash but just dropped her home.

But, yeah, she could have been kidnapped and killed, but that's up to her. Oh, wow. I must remain anonymous as my partner listens to and would not be amused even all these years later. That's anonymous there. Things you do when you're tired. I know.

I think falling asleep during a filling still wins, doesn't it? Yeah, I think falling asleep during a filling. Because that day you fell asleep during a C-section, but someone in your mouth. Falling asleep with someone in your mouth. Unbelievable. Even though it's numbedbed you still know someone's in your mouth don't you and you can feel the vibrations right i mean i've never had a c-section it's probably just as intrusive i'd say that's on a par c-section and dentist

are you good at the dentist because obviously your teeth are your one of your calling cards yes um i i don't like chatting at the dentist and I'm not a massive fan of the dentist. I sort of I always do go, but I sort of put it off slightly. But yeah, I'm not too bad. But my technique is ear headphones on while they're doing anything. And you just give them thumbs up or thumbs down if it's hurting or whatever or to stop, especially on a clean or if they're doing a fill in. Check up. Obviously, I speak to them because they're just looking. But if I'm getting any work done, those headphones, especially that like a the plug in and they're like a bit what's it called noise cancelling the ones that plug in a bit like air or you know that's really good because you can't hear the whirring of the machine is what gets on my nerves to a dentist and they

had glasses that you put on yeah they then show their tv glasses oh so tell you on your glasses tell you on your glasses so you can watch kir glasses, so you can watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. He put on Curb Your Enthusiasm and I just watched it with a pair of glasses. Yeah, I prefer a podcast or music. I like listening to really loud sort of like rap or dance music. Does anyone listen to this while

having a dental appointment? No, too dangerous if you laughed. Yes, I mean it's a real like slam on us if they do listen. And it was actually fine no movement at all didn't laugh once right another one before we bring on steven mangan i know you're in a bit you're a busy boy today joshua um here we go hi rob and josh love the podcast has kept me sane through all of this on the subject of swearing blaspheming in front of kids my three old son is still in nappies at night and has got into the routine of doingaring blaspheming in front of kids my three-year-old son is stealing

nappies at night and has got into the routine of doing a poo in them in the morning a few weeks ago he had run an absolute he had a run of absolute stinkers which apparently caused my partner to exclaim jesus christ each time he got him up and got him dressed for the day oh yeah because i've got a three-year-old's poo it's just like an adult's poo it's not like it's not a baby poo anymore that is just like near enough fully grown human shit in a in a little pair of pants anyway my son now seems to believe that the phrase is associated with shitting multiple times i've overheard him on the toilet straining and exclaiming jesus christ jesus christ like a sweaty man dealing with the consequences of a lager and curry binge we have tried to discourage him but he keeps doing it

he started at nursery school recently and i dread to think what his teachers think his home life is like thanks helen oh my word jesus christ jesus christ that's quite funny when your kid is doing a poo you go you're right because yeah i'm doing a poo and you go, you alright? Because yeah, I'm just on toilet and you know one's flying out. Daddy, what are we doing tomorrow? Mummy, what's for

dinner? Oh God. It's a strange array of impressions you've got, but that is one of your absolute crowd pleasers, isn't it? Oh yeah, the child shitting. Any situation you put me in. Daddy, what's the best... Legoland.

Right, OK. We'll do more Instagrams and emails next week. Sorry we haven't done that many this week. We could do another correspondence catch-up maybe in a couple of weeks. It was such a bad week on Tuesday. We'd had such bad weeks that we didn't have time for Instagrams. Right, OK. We've got Stephen Mangan now. Love Stephen.

Absolutely brilliant interview. Loved it. Hello, Stephen Mangan. Welcome to the podcast. How are you? Yeah, I'm all right. Thanks. I'm very good. It's a beautiful world. I'm very happy to be in it. Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah, that's how I'm feeling today. Yeah. Have you just done a Radio 4 interview for this book? You seem to be a bit different like headspace to us here oh really you're feeling a bit you're feeling a bit down about life well

not a bit down but not it's not gonna be that you know sort of considered and reasonable and positive it's normally you know two men having a breakdown well i mean there's three men having a breakdown but that's why as you'll know during a breakdown, your emotions veer wildly from one side to another. And at the moment, the pendulum has very much swung to hysteria and joy. At any minute, I'll be crying into my tea. That is the thing with a breakdown. It isn't all bad. Exactly.

People think upside of breakdowns that people don't talk about. When you think you're Jesus for a bit, it's a good feeling, feeling that powerful for a bit. But obviously, you know. Just look at Kanye. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. He's a real talent to all of us.

Yeah, exactly. Stephen, before we crack on, can you let us know about your child setup? What's the kid situation in your life? The kid situation is I have three boys. I have Harry, who's the eldest. He's 13. And Harry Harry is just any day now will become taller than me which is a big moment I didn't realise this was

going to be a big moment when he emerged 13 years ago that just happened for Josh actually it's six months that's enough that's the kind of humour that we can enjoy it's that kind of stuff just pop that out quickly and then we can crack on that's going to contribute to the breakdown.

Harry is a big lad now. And there's lots of sort of coming up to me in the kitchen and just sort of checking his high against mine. It literally will be any day now. He also shoves me quite a lot. He's always asking for an arm wrestle. And it's a lot of play fighting which which we all know is just it's just like can you know who can kill who at this point it can yeah has it got to the point

now where he can beat me up well how tall how tall are you steven i'm six foot so he's quite he's a big lad at 13 you know it's really annoying i thought i'd have a few more years do you reckon he could beat you up i mean well when he shoves me around I obviously have to pretend that I'm not trying but I've given it everything I've given it I'm going to the gym I'm going running I'm working out to stay on top of this because the moment he knows he's got me physically it's all over that's it forget it oh wow I'll just have to do his bidding whenever he says like you know you know can you tidy your room Harry he'll be like can you tidy your room and I'll go all right sorry yeah can you tidy your room? And I'll go, all right, sorry, yeah, I will. And fingers, well, you've got to do this

with two more as well as they come up the ranks of trying to get alpha status. I can't bear it. I mean, I never thought I'd have boys because I've got two sisters and I just assumed I'd have girls for some reason. And I thought I could handle that. I know, you know, growing up around girls.

You understand women. I understand. I'm very understanding. I'm very understanding. I'm very sensitive. And I've got all these boys just kept appearing. How old are the other ones? Sorry. So that's Harry.

Frank is our middle one. He's 10. No, 11. Just turned 11 last week. He's 11. And he might well be shorter than Harry. That day may never come that he overtakes. I know you think I'm obsessed by whether they're shorter than me or not have you got one of those doors with the heights

marked on it and your your your height is on it i have to keep rubbing it out at night and putting it higher wearing little platform shoes uh so frank is 11 and then uh coming uh up age-wise at the back is little Jack, who is five. Oh, okay. And we're all dark-haired, my wife, me, Harry and Frank. But little Jack is a very – he's a strawberry blonde. He's a little sort of redhead. Oh, okay. What's wrong with that?

He's gorgeous. But he does look like we've kidnapped him when we're all out together. Well, yes. He's a bit younger as well because of that age gap. Because we've got two kids and, you know, I don't think he wanted three. Because now our youngest is three, nearly four. So it would be like a five, six-year age gap if he did go for another one. So did you always want three or was it a bit of a, oh, let's have one more?

I always wanted three and I thought we'd hung our boots up. We thought two was it. Yeah. And Jack just sort of, you know, I don't want to say he was a mistake. I just want to say. It wasn't as planned for? It was just a really, really pleasant surprise. Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah. I was filming a Victorian drama in Liverpool. You went Medford? No, Johnny? Fair play. You're an actor. The venereal disease wasn't very well received at home. Yeah.

And I remember just before a take, I get a little buzz in my pocket. A message comes through. I haven't turned off my phone, so I just quickly looked at it. That's ruining the scene, doesn't it, when you get a text halfway through the Victorian... It's embarrassing. In a Victorian shower.

It doesn't wash. He's not one of those actors that stays in character. In fact, he still has his phone in his pocket while filming a Victorian scene. Yeah, of course. But I do remember getting a text from my wife, just a picture of a positive pregnancy test with WTF on it. Oh, boy.

And they said, can we go for a take? And I said, can you just give me one second? And I went round the corner and I sort of, there i was in big mutton chops and a top hat just going what are we gonna do and if i look back and that scene that we then shot you can see the panic and terror in my eyes yeah it was there but you know he's he's the best thing that ever do you know it was the best it's the best performance mangan's ever given in that scene. I don't know what was happening. It was being tortured as a Victorian.

The pain in his eyes felt so real. Oh, God. He even screamed and cried back in his trailer. He really took the scene home with him. Did you know the pregnancy test was happening or was it completely no no i didn't i think uh uh no i had no idea i mean there was no there was no build-up it was just here's the news uh what we're going to call him wow we've run out of names when he came out ginger was he suspicious at all

i know i mean it is your kind of but luckily my mum and her dad he's got he's got two ginger grandparents so okay that does there's a bit of there's a bit of a link it is but you know you do feel you want to get a t-shirt printed up and put it on him as we wander around the streets and you know yeah 500 years of dark-haired mangan's chain. You do have a wonderful head of hair, Stephen. It's a mane, a mane on. You don't really realise how important hair is to men when you have it. Yeah.

And I think we're all quite blessed with hair, as Ben, you know, getting 30s and older, whereas a lot of lads our age, it is literally the bane of their life, trying to cover up the hair loss. How do you maintain your hair, Stephen? Because it's... Are you using a product?

I keep it in a box where it's out of my bed. I bathe it in milk every fortnight. I don't know. I mean, you know, I shampoo it, Josh. I don't know. I didn't think this was what this podcast was about. So when you say that your oldest is 13 and he's bullying you. Yeah, well, he's not bullying me.

He's just seeing if he can bully me, yeah. He's seeing if he can bully you. That sounds like someone who's being bullied. He's not actually bullying me. We're actually mates, but sometimes we fall out. I meant to fall over. Is it quite an alpha house with three boys in the house? No, I mean, it's a showbiz house.

I mean, both his parents are actors. I mean, there's a lot of leotard work and vocal warm-ups going on it's not it's not a butch a butch place to be at all which is where i think he spotted a gap in the market yeah right yeah i think you know he says we're easy targets you know uh the jazz shoes lined up by the front door and the ballet bar in the living room I think he thinks I can have this lot have you ever had a fight Stephen uh yeah I have I have at school yeah yeah I used to get into it so I was very small I mean unlike him which is also annoying because I was very very small yeah until I was 15 or 16 things happened very late for me height wise so uh I was small and I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but I was quite gobby. Yeah.

And I used to get into fights because of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut and then, but I couldn't back it up, you know, physically. So it was, it was a very, it was a very tiring time.

But now he's got that. He's got the size and the gobbiness. He could really do some damage. I mean, he's every man. He's every dad's worst nightmare in that respect. He's just learning to play rugby. He's gone to a new school and he's starting to play rugby,

which he's never done before. All right. That might get rid of some of his energy. Yeah, hopefully. Hopefully. I don't think I could deal with watching my child play rugby. I just don't like rugby, I suppose. That's the problem.

Yeah, no, I don't either. I'm just not going to go and watch him. I mean, you know, that's not what you really mean, though, is it? You're more worried about them. Yeah, I wasn't worried about the two hours out of my weekend. It was more the physical impact. Yeah. Oh, God, I can't watch anything we can't fright forwards.

Boring, defensive. Do you take your kids to Spurs, Stephen? I do, yeah. I mean, the eldest, Harry, he's absolutely obsessed by Spurs now. And so he goes along. I've got a couple of season tickets. We take him along. Annoyingly, my youngest is Jack, he's five.

And my wife, who's a scouser and has absolutely no interest in football, I mean, hates football. But just to annoy me, telling him he's a Liverpool fan since he was born. So now he will answer. He'll say, I'm a Liverpool fan. Which I find, I mean, he just gets Liverpool kits because my wife's just determined to annoy me by turning him into a Liverpool fan.

That's good trolling. That is, isn't it? I mean, she doesn't like football. I don't think that's on, really. It's not on. Because also, it's too far away. If you're going to have to take him to Liverpool. I'm not doing that.

You're not doing that. No, not when you've literally got a season ticket to Tottenham and they're around the corner. And they're a good, as much as it pains me to say as an Arsenal fan, they're a good club and an exciting club to support. It's not like you're trying to get into sport looting. No. You know what I mean?

Well, I think the problem I did was when Harry was eight days old, I said to Louise that I was, I said to Lou, I'm going to take him for a walk. And I bundled him into the car and I drove him to White Hart Lane. And I just, because I was terrified, because we lived sort of nearer to Arsenal than we do to Spurs. And I was worried that he would grow up

being an Arsenal fan. So I took him to Spurs and I have loads of pictures of him outside the ground. I'm holding him up like, you know, wafer cup next to a picture of Steve Perryman. And so I've got lots of pictures of him in the ground. I did the same with Frank when he was eight days old, but I didn't do it with Jack because I was busy.

So maybe that was my fault for not, you know. Yes, you didn't do it. Laying down a marker early enough. How was it with the new one coming along? Because was it a six-year age gap? Five and a half, yeah. Five and a half. Had you forgotten what, because five and a half,

they're like little adults, aren't they, really off to school and doing their own thing. How was it going back to the baby stage? I mean, you'd forgotten. It's amazing how much you forget when you've been through it. And we'd actually sort of given away or got rid of all the gear. So we had to just go right back to buying all that amazing amount of kit. Oh, God, it's so expensive.

I mean, there's a few things that you buy the first time around that you realise, you know, you don't need a changing table, for example. Yes. There's all this sort of... Just floor. You just need a floor. You just need any flat surface that's not by an open window. That's all you need.

The floor is safe. Are you all right, Josh? It is safe. You can't fall off the floor. That is the first rule of being a baby. You can't fall off the floor. First rule the first rule of being a baby. You can't fall off the floor. First rule of baby club. First rule of baby club.

So there was all that. But it was actually really lovely because you do know you've got rid of a few neurosis and sort of panicky stuff. You realize it's quite hard to break them, you know, having brought up two past the age of sort of four or five and you realize that you can be more relaxed and also you can sort of enjoy it again because you think oh well you know i get to do it all again i mean that that's the positive side i mean i was in a playground yesterday and i was thinking oh god i've spent nearly 13 years in playgrounds i mean that's that's even the most committed paedophile would struggle to match those stats. I mean,

but you know, pushing someone on the swings, you think, I've done this for so many years. We really should have thought this through. They never get bored of it. How are you not feeling sick? Can we all agree the playground is shit?

It is shit. It is shit. Absolutely. And also, you've got full of other people's children who are annoying, let's be honest. Yes. Annoying. I mean, he was coming down the slide yesterday, Jack,

and these kids are coming down the slide and then they're stopping, the two and three-year-olds, looking delighted with themselves, having gone down. I'm like, come on, up, move. The next one's waiting. I mean, you want to get a bit of a system going there. Exactly. They just don't have no idea about efficiency,

about getting things moving. Also, as well, the problem with kids is there's always new ones with parents that are really excited. That's the first time they've been down a slide. And you're like, I've seen kids go down a slide for 13 fucking years. Get out my way. He wants to go again. Stop filming his

slide it's a shit slide the ones that are up the top of the slide releasing their little eight month old kid and then trying to run down in time to catch it that is quite funny to watch just think don't worry mate they'll be fine they're just literally going to slide down and land at the bottom it's all okay i think it's that they never get bored. So theoretically, you could be in the park for eight hours. And so however much effort you put in, it's still going to be difficult to get them out of the park. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. There's no progress. It's not like going to the zoo when you go, we've done it all. Yeah. We've seen every animal. Yeah, we've ticked it all off. Let's home with the park it's just infinite but the beauty of having two older boys is you get to go uh frank to you know play with jack on the park while i do some very important looking at my phone on this bench okay and you just you just uh you sort of subcontract all of that stuff out to the other

two and there's a fact there's a lot of that goes on. Harry will put Jack to bed a lot or, you know, give him a bath. Harry's like your dad. He's basically – Harry is – Harry – I'm still waiting for him to give me my pocket money this week, actually, because I want to go to the newsagents, but he's not giving me my money. So also, they must be like, you know, the 11-year-old on the way to and then 13 year old into puberty and stuff what's it like having a a teenage boy going through puberty in the house i mean it's the

there's a lot of don't ask don't tell of course they are i mean in fact i'm sitting in his room at the moment and i've just slightly i I'm looking at my hands to see. I mean, it's disgusting. It is disgusting. Because we were boys and we know, you know, we know what happens. Yeah. You know. Frenzied wankers.

It's just disgusting. And to think of your own son and, oh, God, I just don't want to know. No, exactly. I mean, just, you know, I mean, I would say to him, just, you know, keep it in the privacy of your own room. But, of course, he's going to do that anyway. Yeah. If you start doing it downstairs that'd be another issue wouldn't it leave it i'll check sure i have some cornflakes here harry your grandmother's here

have you had like a do you the talk or any of that kind of stuff are you kidding me no no my wife and i decided two haven't even had to talk. You didn't know what was going on when you was at Victorian. How did that work? You could have done with a talk. I thought we'd worked out what was causing that.

Yeah, no, and we decided, well, Lou decided, and I was very much in favour of it, that she said it would be good for her to discuss that sort of stuff with him because, you know, it would be good to hear it

coming from a woman. Yeah. And I was like, absolutely, absolutely, I'm right behind you on this one. So she had to chat about the... She just in general has those sort of chats I don't want to get involved I don't want to get involved I'm not looking forward to those chats I it makes me I my body language is awful at the moment Josh Rose has to do it you can't be in charge of that chat you'd be so panicked you'd be so well your kids would be like

it's okay dad i'll explain it to you i just kind of the way i'd approach it would give them a kind of complex about the stresses of the sex of sex and everything forever when you first started doing comedy because we started out together when josh first started steven you'd get we'd both get stressed and nervous but one of your tells was you'd clap your fingers onto the palm of your hand and you'd get you'd dip your fingers in water and put water behind your ears

and on your temples to calm you and cool you down do you remember that? I'd splash my face but then yeah and then you get on TV

I've just done that in front of this teenage girl going look the birds and the bees and you're clapping your hands and throwing water at your face the problem is you get on TV and you wear

makeup and suddenly you can't splash your face before you go on to 8 Out of 10 Cats. No, you can't. I think we've done a corporate or two together, Josh, haven't we? I do remember you being quite, sort of, a little bit on edge before you went on. Yeah. A little bit of pacing going on. You were talking to me

but you weren't really listening to me. Like now. Probably because I'm quite boring. I think that's just stand-up comedians in general it's very hard for them to listen they're just so self-obsessed but how you how do you split up the sort of parenting and stuff because you're both actors aren't you you and your wife yeah so is it what's to speak is it sort of 50 50 or whoever's working more how does it depends yeah it depends really because i do quite a lot of theater you know every and again. So that means you're out of the house six nights a week. And I used to get up in the morning after a show, but at the moment, I hope she's not listening,

I'm managing to get a lie in because I'm too tired. So there are periods when I'm away filming or she's away filming. I mean, you know, Lou is kind of in charge of what goes on and knows what goes on but i'm pretty hands-on i'm you know and and i uh you know for example i'll be taking them to school for the next few months um and i will i'm not so great at the cooking uh but i do bedtimes like a lot of dads probably i do story reading the stories although i've had some harsh reviews recently so I'm feeling my confidence is slightly shaken yeah well because you know I'm an actor and you think

you know the one thing they're going to remember about their childhood is their dad's reading stories in an incredible way I've got the audio book of you doing funny bones and I thought you did an excellent job well thank you very much but Jack said to me the other day, Jack said fewer voices. Dad, just calm it down. Just read it. Oh, really? You're giving all the voices? Because I was doing all sorts of voices.

I said, just read it, Dad. Just read it. So that was upsetting. Although, and Harry, when I was younger, because I think probably the finest work I've ever done in my whole career was recording Rumpelstiltskin for CD. work I've ever done in my whole career was recording Rumpelstiltskin for CD. And it's honestly, it's my high watermark of a very average career,

but it's my high watermark. And I'm afraid to say when Harry was younger, I would occasionally put him to bed and I'd slip the CD into a player and press play and then slowly back out of the room as he listened to me reading it on a tape yeah until he was four he thought every story ended with read by steven mangan you should start doing that whenever you read anything out loud like if you're reading out like the wine list at dinner just read by steven May. So, yeah, so I do that and, you know, because they're boys

I tend to be the one, you know, take them to the park, play football with them, you know, playgrounds. Yeah, but we're pretty 50-50. I think I'm alright. I do my bit. With the recording of the children's audiobooks, because me and Rob have just, we've been talking recently on the show about the stresses of recording

our audiobook books. But you're knocking out funny bones, right? Yeah, but Stephen's a proper trained actor. I know, exactly. I'm just a market trader that got a bit chippy. I don't think you ever got a bit chippy. I think you were born chippy. I was chippy somewhere else, but yeah.

How long are you taking to knock out Funny Bones? I read it twice, I think. And that was it. Yeah, I read it twice and I went home. Yeah, no, I stopped doing proper, you know, full length audio books. Although having said that, I've just done a couple of Douglas Adams books,

but the full length novels are tough going. But children's books, I love, absolutely love them. And I did the audio book for my book. Let's discuss that. Your book, Escape the Room, Stephen. What a segue. Did you hear that, the way I brought that into the conversation? It was so good.

It was masterful, yeah? It was very good, but also I found it a little disrespectful that you couldn't see where I was going. I was just two seconds from doing the very same thing and then you showed me up. It's like three-dimensional chess and I'm going, talk about my book. So, Escape the Rooms, which is illustrated by your sister.

Yeah. I mean, who'd have seen that coming? Well, not you two because you never met her. She's an illustrator though. You've not just sort of gone cheap. She knows what she's doing. She can draw. Can I keep the illustration money and just get my sister to do it can i keep half of myself

don't tell her we got paid yeah uh she uh yeah she's been a successful illustrator for a long time and done uh a lot of great i mean all like leon cookbooks if you've got one of those in your house they'll have been done by her and in fact all those books have a lot of pictures of family pictures in the back and you'll there's a lot of me aged three and four what leon which what leon leon yeah the first sort of four or five cookbooks they did and yeah we just got this idea of doing a book and uh you know i i mean i really don't think i'd have done it without her because as you both will know writing a book is ridiculously difficult and takes takes like well it felt like it took half my adult life to do it i mean it just it's a long process um yeah because i think people think kids book does not

one of them out bit of money but no you have to really put a lot of effort in for it to be decent and it's a proper kids book it's a grown-up one it's like yeah oh it's a proper novel yeah it's for like eight to twelve year olds and i mean i was when I was sort of seven, eight, I was a real bookworm. I always had my head in a book. I used to love reading. And so I wanted to write a book that I would have wanted to read at that age, you know, that was funny and that was exciting

and you didn't know where it was going to go and it was a bit mad. And so, yeah, my sister and I ended up working together, which was a joy because you don't know how it's going to go, really. I mean, we get on very well. Working with a family member is obviously, you know, it's a bit of a gamble. But her illustrations make the book.

They are absolutely amazing. Yeah, because they look sort of like, I'm looking at it now, they're like, it's a compliment. They sort of look completely original, but also decent. You know, sometimes someone tries to be so like, have character in what they do and make it different. They say like, that don't look like a fucking dog, mate. I know you're trying to be mental and put your own stamp on it,

but let's try and get the message across. But hey, she's done. It's amazing. You can tell what every sort of animal is and what they're all up to, but it's sort of, you can definitely, it's got her own style to it.

I don't know why she's drawn a picture of gluten-free chicken nuggets though. Is that a hangover from Leon? Did she run out of time and just copy and pasted? But I'm in trouble with the book because when I started it, Jack was a baby and I named the main character Jack. Just because it was a name on my mind. Oh, the kids are going to hate you.

That's therapy. All the money from this book is going to go on their therapy now. It's going to go on their therapy. Well, no, what's happened rather than that is that I've promised Frank and Harry that i will write them a book as well so i'm now in the middle of frank's book that is the most the most bougie promise i've ever heard in my life i promise you

all right i'll write you a book darling imagine when he's older well my dad wrote two books and one of them didn't have me as the main character. He's a bit annoyed because the working title of the next book is The Fart That Changed the World. So he's like, Dad, maybe don't write me a book. Anyway, so Frank's the hero of the next one. And I'm halfway through that at the moment. I'm loving it. And have your kids read it?

Yeah, they have. Frank's read it four times. Why? Yeah, which is either that or he's trying to butter me up because he wants something. But he says he's read it four times. Aw. And he absolutely loved it. And he quotes bits from it.

Yeah, I mean, it's really daft. It's really silly. I try to make it as funny as possible. It's got a sort of serious undertone. Like the two main characters are both suffering a bereavement. But I wanted to write about that kind of thing. Was it a member of a hurling team that had died? Escape the curse, this new book.

I'm going to get the curse into the next book, actually. Yeah, so I wanted to write about it. It's a very heavy topic, but, you know, with as light a touch as possible and to try and write about it and make it fun and, you know. Well, yeah, because it's about the two characters in it. They're sort of siblings. And then obviously you've done this with your sibling and, you know, you both lost your parents and stuff.

So have you channeled that through this and how you dealt with it in a sort of approachable way for kids to read? Yeah, I mean, I did an interview with Mariella Frostrup who said oh well of course your first book I can't do a voice her first book is always autobiographical I was like what I mean this book's about talking animals and uh you know lots of people falling off cliffs and stuff it's really mad but um but yeah I suppose it's just obviously in the back of my mind yeah and for me all the best stuff uh you know i like comedy obviously i like things that are funny and i like things to have a bit of depth you know because i think you can soften up an audience with with laughter and then and then hopefully

sort of you know uh hit them with something more moving and uh so anyway that was the plan to try and um try and write something that it was an ambitious you know thing to try and do for a first book so uh but obviously death and all that stuff is it has been part of my life my parents did die young and uh so it's obviously part of my psyche and it just sort of came out do you have like when you're writing for a certain age group is there like lots of rules in the publisher like you can't can't say that or you just kind of left your own devices on that kind of thing. Yeah. I mean, I got told that I should take out a few bits because they were just too upsetting or violent. Too raunchy.

I mean, because when you write, you can only write. When you write. Too raunchy. Jack and Callie, two siblings, dealing with grief, getting off of each other. It's got a bit weird here, Steve. People deal with grief in different ways. Yeah. You wait until the third book.

No, you can only write to make yourself laugh. You can't sit down and pretend you're a 10-year-old. You just write stuff that entertains yourself yourself and then the publisher will put a gentle hand on your shoulder and go that's way too weird yeah for a 10 year old uh that might be upsetting that might give them nightmares and they'll uh you know thank goodness for editors because they come along and they just put that that experienced eye over it would you always quite like an academic kid then growing up steven you'd say like you you end up going to Cambridge and stuff like that, which is very impressive.

So would you always like really into academia and do, are your kids following that suit or are they a little bit like sort of, Oh God, dad did that. I've got to live up to that kind of thing. I wasn't, I, I wasn't until I was about 11 or 12.

And then I, I, uh, you know, it was too, I sort of got more into other things and the sort of work side of it went. And then I just put a really, you know it was too I sort of got more into other things and the sort of work side of it went and then I just put a really you know burst in a levels for the last minute and it worked so dipped the line yeah I mean I think they're all they're all pretty you know I mean what you want

them is to be interested about the world you know you want them to have curiosity about everything and and you don't want the kid who is um you know a brilliant academic achiever and has no mates or any interest outside of his work you know so you try and encourage them to get into music and into you know all the arts and sport and everything because uh you know they're i think kids especially nowadays they have to take their school life so much more seriously than when I was a kid. There seems to be so much pressure on children to do well. And I don't think the lockdown helped at all. So, yeah, my parents were much more into me working hard at school because they were immigrants and they both had to leave school at 14.

And they didn't really have much. It was smart, but they had no education at all. my dad came over and was a laborer my mom was a you know barmaid and so for them like getting an education was a really big deal um but i sort of a bit more relaxed about it i think so did you go to did you go to like an independent school and so did you get like yeah i did yeah my sisters went to the local state school and I went to, I got a scholarship to a private school. Oh, well done, mate. And then I ended up going to a boarding school,

which my parents didn't want me to do at all. They were very against it. But I thought it would be like, you know, going to an Enid Blyton story or something. It'd be all... Was it? No. I mean, it was horrible. It was horrible.

What age? I was 13, so I wasn't was horrible. It was horrible. What age? I was 13, so I wasn't that young. Bloody hell, there must have been some wanking going on there, mate. Well, I mean, there were 50 kids in one room. There was like stalls. It was like a stable. So you had a little stall. There was 25 beds down each side of the room.

So 50 boys in one massive room. mean it was if you could you could have powered the local town off the kinetic energy god that poor sewage pipe uh you know so that i just oh what was it like being away at boarding school it was miserable the first two years i hated it i absolutely hated it. And because it was my idea, because I thought this would have sounded like a laugh. I don't know why I thought it sounded like a laugh. I couldn't tell my parents. I didn't tell my parents that I was upset and unhappy.

So I sort of dealt with it all. And then the last few years, because then it was all boys and girls in the sixth form. So that transformed it. And by then I got used to it. And then when you're 16 17 it's a bit of a different story yeah um but those early years yeah miserable miserable and so you would you wouldn't you wouldn't want your kids going to balding school then well no i said that but if harry gets any more gobby then

lou and i do threaten all of them with board that's our go-to threat if any of them are misbehaving and it does shut them up. Really? That Dara O'Brien's threat is that he'll go on Strictly. Do you think that was Bill Bailey's threat and he had to go through with it? Yeah. He nailed it. I don't know what's worse.

Should that be really bad at it or absolutely nailing it and just walking around like the king of Strictly. I think my kids will find that. The shaved chest and the fake tan. Tight trousers. Just loving it. And then every wedding you go to, they're like, oh, get on the dance floor. You're like, oh, I might as well.

And they're all being sick in the bush. Yeah. And you've got a spread of ages of kids. Do they get on well together then? I mean, they do. I mean, you'll know that there is nothing quite as joyful in the world as one of your children making the other kid really laugh i mean it's a lovely but it's as beautiful as them fighting and arguing is awful because you know that when they know each other

oh god i just tried to dements you doesn't it so So they are, I mean, they both love Jack-Jack because he's the little one. He's like a little, I mean, we all just pour love and affection. Yeah. He's never left alone. He's cuddled. He's kissed. They love playing with him. They tickle him. It's a joy.

The two older ones can get on very well, and they can also rub each other out the wrong way. You know, but that's brothers, isn't it? Yeah. They fight all the time. I've got four brothers. They're just learning, can't they? Right.

Exactly. So they get on pretty well. I mean, like you say, it's quite a spread. I think if you're born one year after another, it's probably a different deal. But what they're going through at any one time is so different from each other. I mean, you know, the annoying thing is I'm the eldest in my family.

The annoying thing is the oldest one is always like, every time the middle child, the youngest one, does something and is excited about it, old one they're going yeah I did that yeah I've already done that and we'll tell them what's going to happen and it's that I find really irritating I'm always trying to let them I'm trying to find out like Harry's a good guitar he plays the guitar he's really into the guitar so I bought Frank a little drum kit because I thought he's got to do something different that is his thing I'm constantly trying to find things that he can own and you know that Harry hasn't already been there and done it yeah well I think it's what do you recognize do you find it it's hard trying to be like sort of laddy

because you grew up with sisters eventually when they grow up as well and they're all teenagers four blokes knocking about together that you're a part of you know what I mean so it's like it's been on a stack though a little mini stack them stack, though, all the time. My wife, I mean, Lou had three brothers and now she's got three sons. So she knows. I mean, she's like, oh, this is exactly like it was when I was growing up. You know, everyone's scrapping and fighting and throwing each other around the place. But then, you know, I had my cousin John live around the corner and his dad, my uncle Paddy, was I mean, he would pick us up and throw us against the wall on a regular basis. So I sort of I wasn't totally without masculine. That really lovely male influence.

It was like a silverback. I mean, he'd pick me up and hurl me and we'd love it. I don't know why we thought it was hilarious. Yeah, my mate's dad used to go around there for sleepovers and he'd hang you over the banisters and punch you on the back. And it was a laugh.'d like hang you by your legs he'd go hang you by your legs

like he was dangling you out of a window like Michael Jackson with that blanket he made me blanket wow I know

blanket looking back that's mental actually but yeah they are so different aren't they some are very sensitive and some are tougher and you know

so my boys they're great I love them do you know what that's the absolute perfect way to end isn't it with some positivity well no the question i always ask is is there one thing that your wife or partner does and nor do you parenting wise that you saw parenting wise yeah not actually as a person but parenting up a long way yeah she got off of that bloke six months before we got together that always would come before well apparently you may have like bumped heads over in the past or you haven't brought it up

because it's just not worth the row but a way they do it compared to you and it's more of just an approach thing that's different well she's quite she's annoyingly good at being a parent but she does they all can i say her family it's the quickest anyone's ever had something really yeah i didn't even finish the question and you were on it most people pretend to think no i'm going straight in there uh she she her family all have this sort of uh they run out of energy they they're like computers that are just suddenly run out of power they all they they they need to be fed on a regular basis or they kind of yeah you have some sort of sugar crash but they all i mean her elder brother martin will just sort

of stare blankly at the wall you'll have to kind of go and shove a twinkie into his mouth do you have twinkies over here anyway you're in south london not yet they cross the river no no they hold up in blackwall tunnel brexit hdv shortage so the kids like 20 minutes before dinner they'll go i'm really hungry and i'll be like yeah that's because we're 20 minutes away from dinner you're supposed to be hungry this is great the loo will always give them a snack uh 20 minutes so she'll give them and i that drives me absolutely nuts because then 20 minutes later they're like you won't eat your dinner oh will it must still be hungry and 20 minutes later they don't yeah now i'm saying it out loud it doesn't sound no i can get it i can get that that would annoy me but i yeah i i i mean

i think i think i don't know i i'm worse at spotting. I mean, you know, she's much better at planning ahead. I will start getting the dinner ready when they start complaining they're hungry. So then it takes an hour. There's an hour of pain while they're screaming and punching each other because they're so wound up and hungry. Whereas she will think of that ahead of time. So I can't really complain about that. What time are you having dinner with that range of ages of ages six we have dinner at six yeah it's just and you

eating at six as well yeah I am yeah I am I've been back in boarding school I know but they're not hungry as soon as they come out of school well they get a snack when they come out of school yeah they get a they get a snack and then they wait till dinner later. Yeah. I mean, but they do. I mean, you do find you need lorry loads of food. I mean, it's like a plague of locusts every day moving through the house. It's incredible. Cheers, Stephen. Thank you so much. Absolutely brilliant torches.

My pleasure. And we'll make sure we read Escape the Rooms. Yes. Lovely. Escape the Rooms, Stephen Mangan, illustrated by Anita Mangan. Out 10th of June, 2021. It's already out. It's already out?

You can literally go to the shop now and get it. It's a bestseller. Oh, it's a bestseller. Oh, yeah. Not in adult gambling like your book, Josh. Oh, no, I know. Tell me about it. Why is it adult gambling?

Well, it's the people buying it. You know, it's a risk involved, isn't there? I like him out loud. Do I like him off the page? Let's find out. I should say that I've been filming the split recently and we were filming, I won't say the location because it's for obvious reasons,

but and then a rumour went round like wildfire one day on set. We were out on location that Josh Whittacombe had just been seen leaving the nursery next to where we were filming on location that josh widdicom uh had just been seen leaving the nursery uh next to where we were filming with a child sorry that makes it sound like his child your child oh you're still nonsense josh you said you'd knock that on the head um but yeah i did walk past uh them filming and I was like, I mean, where were you at that point? I was inside crying with Nicola Walker. Are you inside?

Got another text of his wife, WTF, baby scan. Well, if you're back on that location, do nip into the nursery, Stephen. I'm not sure they let me, Josh. They lack security. If I could just hop in. Hi, Stephen Mangan here. My friend's kid goes in.

Just thought I'd pop in. Hi, Stephen Mangan here. My friend's kid goes in. Just thought I'd pop in. Cheers, Stephen. And good luck with the book. Well, you don't need good luck. It's already a bestseller. Escape the Rooms out now. Get it, people. Thank you. Cheers. Bye. Bye. Stephen Mangan. I love Stephen Mangan. I've never really spoke to him properly because I've only met him on TV shows

like here and there. But he's a really nice bloke, isn't he? Lovely bloke. Really nice. To think of like that thing of like having three boys and the thought of that third one just popping out at the end. Oh, mate. It could be. Could be. Could be us soon.

I'll tell you what though. Could be us soon. You know, it might be some pain, but it's the podcast game. Yeah, exactly. That's my new catchphrase when I'm out and about and having a terrible time with my family. I'd say that is the single best thing about this podcast is monetizing my sadness every time something's going really badly i think well there's a positive in this so if anyone ever sees you like in a posh restaurant or driving a fancy car

you go look what he's got but look how sad his eyes are. Anyway, we'll be back to monetise more sadness on Tuesday. It's not just to monetise, is it? It's good to get it off your chest, Josh. It was a joke. It was a little joke. It's good to get it off your chest. Is that your villa in Portugal?

You're in. For the record, you haven't got a villa in Portugal, have you? No. It's technically Spain. It's right on the border. Exactly. It depends which room you're in. It spans the coast.

It really does, yeah. One kitchen in Portugal, one in Spain. Don't need two kitchens, but why not? Why not? I'll do Spanish food in one Portuguese in the other do you want tapas

or do you want Nando's there is a little TV showbiz world in Portugal though isn't there do you know about this is there well I think in Decca

got like villas in Portugal instead of Holly Willoughby and Philip Schofield there's a little like wow ITV Portugal crew Bradley Walsh is over there oh my word

it's like a little gang of them I saw Jason Manford went there on holiday and he was with Dion Dublin but I think they were renting the Portugal crew. Bradley Walsh is over there. Oh, my word. It's that little gang of them. I saw Jason Manford went there on holiday and he was with Dion Dublin, but I think they were renting. Dion Dublin. Dion Dublin's BBC, mate. You should get Dion on.

Dion Dublin. I'd love to get Dion on. Has he got kids? Yeah, yeah. It's a problem with his kids, though. They keep doubling and doubling and doubling. Oh, it doesn't work.

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who's still listening at this point? Be honest. Are you still listening? Do write in.

No one's still listening. If you're still listening to this, just message us, Dion Dublin, Dublin, Dublin, and we'll find out if people listen. Right, see you next week. Bye. Hello, I'm Tom Crane.

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