Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP22: I think you need to go cold turkey from your life...

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP22: I think you need to go cold turkey from your life...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hill with... Say Josh Whittakin. Hi. Josh Whittakin. And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Oh, he really articulated Beckett.

Yeah, I'd say that was a standout name in all of those. I'd say the Whittaker needs work. Yeah, that is Felix. Great name. Giving his intro to your names. Little sister is an absolute troll, so had to get her word in too at the end. That's a bit harsh, isn't it?

I really think that's, I think there's problems there. Hence the unusual noise, Emily. Thank you, Emily, Felix, and the troll of a little sister. Didn't even give the name the kid just troll troll before name yeah but there we go thank you very much um how are you rob yeah i'm good not too bad kids kids are in school which is good and then um how's the school run these days the school run was stressful at the start but now it's better basically we because we're really close to the primary school,

but we can't really walk her anymore, because they've got this drop-off system. You drive in, and then a member of staff opens the door, and the kid jumps out and runs into the school, and then they shut the door, and then you drive off again, like you're delivering a celebrity to the red carpet. To stop people having to park. So however close you have to drive no no no but we're doing that because the other one goes to a school that is a drive right so it and they both have to be

in about 20 past eight so if i did walk there and walk back and then put the little one in the car yeah it there'll be too much traffic by the time i've done that. But at the moment, if we're both home, I've been dropping one and he's been dropping the other. But if you're on your own, you have to drive, drop them in and go back round and do a big loop. Yeah. And then the school traffic's bad. But people drive like lunatics.

I just feel like, do you know what? I feel like everything- You started six sentences in a row there. That was amazing. You started six different sentences in a row.. That was amazing. You started six different sentences. Just can't stop content. I, I think that there's people driving around like lunatics and the world's getting faster. Everything's like so automated in it.

Like you can order stuff off your phone, Amazon prime or whatever, this, that, that, and everything. But I just think that, I don't think we need to speed up technology. I think we need to slow people down. I think people are doing too much and it's ridiculous. People are driving. I'm preaching to the choir, mate. This is my first intervention with Josh Whitaker.

He's just squeezing this in between Five Live and Radio 6. Because they're driving in like a rally car race. And everyone's desperately trying to get in front of everyone. And I'm like like this is awful so and i know people have got meetings to get to and get trained to catch and stuff like that but it's just it can't be good for you do you know what i mean you know sometimes i'm in a rush too but i just accept that it might be late because you just you can't do you know that's my fear about the about the the step up to school next year is that we haven't got a deadline with the nursery drop

off so it's pretty stressful as is getting around so what's the time any time between nine and eight yeah but breakfast finishes at 9 30 so that's basically a deadline is 9 30 so you've got an hour and a half yeah and and even if you breakfast, it's not the end of the world. But with school, it does start at a certain time. And I'm kind of terrified about that. And the specific pickups. So the pickup is slightly more difficult because you have to get the youngest that comes out at three and then the eldest comes out at ten past three.

So you have to go and get them at three and then jump in the car and then try and get there. Because it's the same thing on the pickup, but you're waiting and then they open the car door and then jump in the car and then try and get there but but because it's the same thing on the pickup but you're waiting and then they open the car door and they jump in the car like you're trying to get someone who's up in the dock away before the press can take a photo so you do that over their head as they get in yeah newspaper covering them or just big umbrellas like jordan getting married and then so but if you get there at five past three and you're early you get sent away because you can't queue up because that's reception come out at five past ten past three so you get sent away if you're early but then if you're late you're not allowed to be in the queue because that's the other class because then they

come out 20 past so it's it's so stressful because you're like you have to time exactly perfectly and um yeah so that's quite it's quite it's it's challenging to do that when there's two people people have got four kids because also i'm i'm struggling to keep up with what they've got each day because some days they need to go in their pe kit some days it's like they've got funky jazz or whatever it is then you've got this and then swimming lessons it's just like i can't even keep up with my week never mind what they've got to do and i think that's when the mental load comes in i think that you know that we had that chat before i think that is more when the kids get older even though you sort of the stereotypical thing is one person works one person does the kids whether that be male or female but there are lots of extra little bits

when you're operating three people's lives essentially you become a pa for two children basically yeah yeah essentially and you they need the right equipment on this time and that. And then they need an extra snack because they're funky jazz until five. Have you got a color-coded thing on your fridge or anything like that? Well, it's hard because it keeps changing because it changes each term. So once you get into a rhythm of it, then it changes again. Oh, mate. So it is a bit brutal.

And at the moment, Lou's taking the brunt of that, to be fair, because she's at home more because I've got some filming coming up. But, yeah, it's carnage. It's good for me to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel, isn't it? That's the main thing. The admin gets worse. You're not as tired, but there's definitely more to do. Yeah.

I would say your child, the baby one, at four, five and so on, he's probably the easiest he'll be now forever. Don't, don't, don't. He is pretty easy, actually, to to be fair he's what i'm saying now he's a chilled out little baby and now they're sleeping in a bit of a sleep pattern and you're getting that sleep it's when they stop mate that house when you're the knickknacks in that house when you've got two you've got no chance oh mate i tell you though he's got this rhythm going with his sleep he's almost i don't want to get cocky, but I think we might be through the four-month sleep regression a bit.

Well played. Good work. Took it like a champ. Exactly, exactly. So now we're just, it's still 5 a.m. Still, always 5. On the dot, 5 a.m. And we're still putting our heads at the wrong end of the bed.

Apart from that, it's great. Apart from that, it's great. Quick Bruno carriage. Quick Bruno carriage sleep Bruno carriage and sleep what's your have you picked a school have you done open days

have you seen any schools what's your school situation because you've got to sort that out you've got to apply we've got to apply haven't we God we have got to apply

haven't we Louise I've got to start so we're going to there's a school very near us that we was one of the reasons

we moved to where we moved. Yeah. And we just hope she gets into there. And if she doesn't, then I just, I just don't, I don't know what we'll do. But you should, she should get in if you're close. We're very close, but obviously there's things that take precedent understandably, like backhanders to the head.

Kids that are fosters and people who pretend they live in a flat above a chip shop that they're just renting for the location, that kind of thing. Do people who pretend they live in a flat above a chip shop that they're just renting for the location that kind of thing people do that no i don't know i'm just throwing that out there but you know i think they do there's rumors isn't there about these kind of things going on in the world people want their kids to go to good schools mate as i said anyway in other news rob i'm moving out for a few months and i'm moving above a chip shop so lovely do you get discount yeah i do is that just to mask the smell of your armpits he's gone from funky jazz pit to a battered sausage pit they've had to close down the chip shop because they think they might have some kind of rotting

problem in there this is a winner come upstairs sweating in too many layers yeah um but yeah you do need to do that yeah have you been have you been on a tour of the school? No, because of bloody COVID, mate. So we tried to go about six months ago. I got in touch with them. And they were like, obviously, we can't. So I've got to reorganize that now. Oh, no. Because they couldn't take people because of COVID.

Oh, nightmare. Yeah. They should be opening now, though. Fingers crossed she'll get in there. And if not, I suppose it'll just have to be ship her off to Eton. Yeah, off you go. Age of five. Oh, imagine.

See you at 18. Bye-bye. Oh, my God. I get people that may send their kids to boarding school when they're, like, secondary school or 13 or 11 or whatever, especially if they're playing up or whatever, or they might enjoy it or work reasons. Because, you know, it's young still,

but it's, you know, you're a bit more older and know what's going on. But I don't, anyone that sends a bit like five to a bowling squad, it feels just. Oh mate, I don't want to judge other people, but it's, it's not for me. Let's put it that way. No, no, not for me or anyone I trust, know and like. But I wouldn't want to judge, you know? Shall we do some emails?

Yes, please. Have you got any emails? Do you want me to do some of these Instas? Do some Instas, Rob. Okay. I'll be honest, the week I've had. This has gone on, Josh. I don't care.

I know. But the week you've had has sort of been your opening for, I have the odd bad one, but this has been regular now. It's been a terrible run of form, hasn't it? It's like when your mate goes, oh, I'm hungover again, and you think, why? Have you got problems? Why? I think you need to abstain from your family, Josh.

I think you need to go cold turkey from life. Oh, exciting, though. I've booked a Christmas trip. Oh, where are you going? We're going to Alton Towers for two nights to the, they've got like a Santa and a winter wonderland and all that kind of thing. Lovely. When's that?

December the, like five days before Christmas. No, that'd be great. Oh, that's good. Because you've not had any holidays with the kids at all really even with when you just had one are we we went to no we've been away a bit with the one we went we went to Canberra Sands last summer Rob oh you did sorry yeah I remember everyone's been to a little caravan bar but I'm well I'm being sneaky I'm doing gigs in Dubai but I'm taking the family to double it up a little work work pleasure trip so the kids will be coming um which will be fun but also i thought if it all kicks off again i can just still take them because it's work you know like all this you know like the

taoi lot pretended to have photo shoots in dubai so they could go to dubai in the lockdown remember that yeah so if it all kicks off again i can do that but i can literally just say yes it is work i've actually got a gig you've actually got a gig i've actually got a gig and then if they go but why do your kids need to come i'm like uh hello so i tried to bang on that to make it sound good but i didn't know what happened there no no no you know sometimes you tap on a mic for like effect i think i just ruined the recording anyway but i'll be like hello imagine me going tap tap tap tap tap hello i need content for the podcast it's work baby oh very nice do you think that'll get me through customs i think it will i don't have any issues with that i think there'll be backlash from the the newspapers

i don't think so no i think there's bigger shit going on really yeah like what um what's the big shit at the moment it doesn't feel like there's much big shit at the moment going on really yeah like what um what's the big shit at the moment it doesn't feel like there's much big shit at the moment going on doesn't actually yeah there might be backlash when was the last time you sat down and thought about covid the problem is all the news stories now it just seems to be they're just anti-vaxxers that get it oh the anti-vaxxers and then it doesn't really pull on the heartstrings as much, does it? It's like someone being in a running bath with the plug in

and then them drowning. Pull the plug out. One of the strangest analogies I've ever heard. Just pull the plug out. You could have pulled the plug out there. You could have pulled

the plug out. Nah, leave it in. I trust my immune system. I can hold my breath. Do you know what? I don't trust Trump. I do not trust my immune system. I can hold my breath. Do you know what I don't trust, Rob? I do not trust my immune system. Because currently, my immune system is pumping out an astonishing stench

in a reaction to doing too much PR. So I'm not sure it could deal with COVID. That's one of the new symptoms. You stink as shit. But you can't smell it because you've not got a sense of smell right okay here we go um out of the mouth of babes this is funny things people's kids have said which is sort of a route one topic but always delivers have just started listening to your hilarious podcast my daughter before her fifth birthday we were making a big

deal about it getting her excited a few days before to say you're gonna be a big girl you're gonna be five and then they went she went to bed and again we said you're gonna be a big girl and you're gonna be five tomorrow and in the morning she burst in our bedroom proudly announcing she was no longer in her four skin oh wow because she's she's in a five skin now that is a lovely uh coincidence that that's the way she's described it and what a terrible turn of events it did happen to fall on the fifth birthday any other skins would have been fine but the foreskin always really takes your mind off to another direction i'm no longer in my foreskin and thanks mckela. It's a shame it wasn't in public. Right, okay.

Hi, Rob and Josh. Just listening to this week's podcast and laughing at the kid who says, Jesus Christ, while shitting. My son Archie is six and he sits having a poo, trying to squeeze it out and will often shout, Mummy, my bum hole isn't big enough.

It's not coming out. It's too big to get out oh my god we've all been there he says it in a strained voice mommy my bum hole isn't big enough and then when he does poo he sits there and smiles and goes oh that was a good one that was nice and cracks up every time after doing a poo wow do you think do you think that's how we're all feeling about going for a poo but children are just more articulate about it and we're more buttoned up i think every time i have a shit i think to myself there must be a better way there's got to be a better way. There must be a better way to do it.

Just take a pill and it just comes out in like one cough or something. Do you know what I mean? It just feels like there's got to be a better way to get this out of me. You know what I mean? Yeah. Are you one of those on a certain time scale? Those people freak me out. What, exact poos times? Yeah uh like every same time every day yes well i i'm not normally but i did get into a bit of a rhythm

with it in lockdown because i was doing the same thing every day and i was eating like i was eating a better diet when i was trying to lose a bit of weight so i was knocking one out so i was having a purpose i was squeezing one out yeah normally around 8 a.m. every morning. And if I had a coffee, that would speed up the process. And if I didn't have a coffee, it could be anywhere between 7 and 9. A bit like your daughter's drop-off times. It was sort of varying. But if I had a coffee, that would bring it on.

But, yeah, I got into a rhythm with that. But now I'm working later and all over the place. It will sometimes be a surprise to me when I need a poo. This will blow your mind, Rob. You've been shitting out your armpits i know someone yeah who goes once every two weeks that can't that can't julia assange once every two weeks and they've been to a doctor the doctor said look there's nothing you can do that's just the way your body works is he a council binman really strong really strong better than the sange when it better than the sange it actually makes sense but um once every two weeks and what does the doctor say that's fine that's all that like

they were just like yeah we've checked you know there's nothing this is just you so is it one giant one i don't know i haven't spoken it's a woman rob oh it's a I don't know. I haven't spoken. It's a woman, Rob. Oh, it's a she. It's a she. I haven't spoken to her in depth about it. Do I know her? No, you wouldn't know.

She's not in comedy. I think she should be with that kind of source material. If I shit every two weeks, you'd know about it. I'd get a good 10 minutes out of that. I'd actually spend more time talking about it than doing it, mostly. Imagine the weight differential after when you... Oh, God, yeah. She couldn't be a boxer, could she? Imagine that.

You've got weight in. Give me half an hour. I need a coffee, stat. Yeah, so Kirstie says, as well as him saying the pole isn't big enough, he also likes to ask why his willy goes big when he pushes out a poo. Oh my word. Is this even normal? As the owner of a vagina,

I have no idea if the strain of pushing makes a willy go bigger. No, it doesn't. No? What do you, what? I don't know. I don't know.

I've never known my willy to go bigger through straining. No, that's not the thing. If someone said that happened to them, I think this person's turned on by shitting. Well, if there's any adults out there that does get an erection when they shit, let us know.

But preferably not, you know, not too graphically. I think, though, what it might do is, because he's straining so hard, I think it's... Yeah, all the blood's rushing to that area. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know.'t know but i've never i've never i've never had a erection while pooing um i do sometimes very difficult to go wee and then you know wake

up wake up with morning glory you've got an erection you need a wee that is a nightmare that is an absolute disaster it's just do you so what do you do hunch over and sort of bend it down about snapping yeah you have to basically use the wall as a kind of, as a thing to create, to make yourself more horizontal. I haven't got a wall. Behind the toilet. No, so I've got like a little shelf thing and then the window. So it's like I can't.

So do you know what I've been doing? So you can't get any purchase. Right, so do you know what I've been doing? What? So if I've got an erection when I need a wee, I go to the toilet, right? And then I lift the lid up and i and i sit on the toilet back to front like a boss like you know with a chair on your chair

like ac slater and so by the bell so i sat like that and then i get my willy and i pop it and i and i and i actually sort of like hook it underneath the rim of the toilet so it touches it yes oh and it keeps it in place and then I can, and then I just go for it. And it's sort of like, and also the bell end also like acts as an anchor. So I am touching it.

My dick is touching the toilet. But it's, but there's no other way because otherwise if you just sit on the toilet and wee, you're pissing on the ceiling. If you stand up,

you're just pissing straight vertical or pissing on your own face. So I straddle it and sit backwards and my arms on the on the cistern yeah and go like that and it's been a real game changer especially doesn't sound like the explanation you're giving when someone's caught you doing something in a hotel room and you've left the door open i'd stand by that loose see me do it it's the only way i do think sometimes though because of weight distribution i don't want to snap the toilet off

because there's so much weight on the front that wouldn't normally be there. Right, yeah. I don't need you to worry about that. Because it's impossible to piss. And also, if you do do it in the middle of the night, you can catch a little micro-sleep as you're pissing. So I've got through to the age of 38 without being one of those people that needs to get up for a piss in the middle of the night,

and I'm dreading it. Really? Never? Well, if I've been drinking, like alcohol or something. Oh, right. right but like on a normal night but you have a cut off of water before bed or would you drink a glass of water before bed i'd drink a glass of water before bed mate oh you cocky bastard my bladder must be in pieces but it's um it's genuinely uh it's it's quite a kind of um it's something i dread is that in the future that's going to be my life isn't it getting up in the night to go to the toilet in the middle of the night?

Yeah. I've got you down as a big, big middle of the night pisser, Josh. I'm surprised it's not happened yet. And then not being able to get back to sleep. And then, Oh God,

no, thank you very much. You just hooked your knob on the, just took my knob there and then I found falling asleep and people are like, why is he, why is he straddling the toilet? Yeah. He's 80.

What's wrong with him? Yeah, and then you just... I don't know what I was going to say. It's so awful. I got carried away. Worse than toilet duck on your balls? Yeah, I was going to say something about putting time up your ass. I don't know why.

I just thought it had to end there. I couldn't think of what. I was thinking about that. You get to the bed and you find the end of the bed. I've got to stop talking. Right, I've got another Instagram message here if you want this one. Yeah, go for it. Just listened to your podcast.

I wanted to say I've listened to your podcast in the dentist. It's difficult not to laugh, but it also acts as a distraction. The dentist even saw that I was listening to it and we had a conversation about the podcast. Keep up the work. I don't have kids, but I'm really enjoying listening to it. Emma. Thank you, Emma.

That's very nice. You yawned there, Josh. I did. have kids, but I'm really enjoying listening to it. Emma. Thank you, Emma. That's very nice. You yawned there, Josh. I did. Right, I've got another one. I think I've done well to get this far in life without. It's a bit like to cry. Yeah, I'm going to have some fizzy water. Oh, here we go.

My husband and I both love the podcast, and we listen to old episodes whilst falling asleep. Not the new ones, obviously, as they are A-star listening and worthy of long car journeys slash Tidy the House. This does mean, however, that some... Can you imagine Tidy in your house without a podcast on? Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Just silence and just the noise of you shuffling around moving things.

You're having to concentrate on it. I do almost everything now. I mean, it's bad, isn't it? But with a podcast on or with music on yes like this couple do as well if you listen to this josh oh no this does mean as we are listening to it when we're in bed sometimes we have accidentally had sex to your dulcet tones oh no accidentally come on accidentally um my husband has had to start asking me to turn it off about halfway through surely it should help in a way what because you know if anything halfway

through i need as much distraction as possible to not finish early and listening to me and you unless me and him are getting it me and you are getting him off and it's making him too good for him he's like i need i need less stimulus yeah you know you've had a good one when you can hear d on dublin dublin and you're still going my husband my husband has had to start asking me to turn it off about halfway through as it's not overly helping his performance although i secretly wonder if it's actually a pavlov's dog type thing and he's worried that your voices will trigger him on his train commute oh Oh, I see. Could you imagine being on the train to work and ejaculating because you hear our voices?

If it has happened, email him. That is interesting, though. I can't have sex to a podcast. No. What if you had to have sex to a podcast? What would it be? Oh, well, I'd actually go for something quite bleak and boring to stop me from uh finishing early i'd say like what like a one about the war yeah like dan snow's

history hits or something like that yeah yeah exactly what you don't know about the normans me you and the roman empire with me, Matt Billings. Right, do you want another one? Yeah, go on. I've got loads of good ones here. Hi, R&J. We've never had R&J before. We've never had R&J.

I had quite an interesting phone call last week from my kid's school, which I think may be on par with the worst weekend. After a missed call, I had a voicemail which urged me to call back as soon as possible due to my son's medical problem. Oh, no. To my knowledge, my son doesn't have a medical problem, so panicking, I phoned back immediately. The school's wellbeing officer answered, and they said they had to ask me a few questions

due to something my son had told his teacher. My son had apparently hurt himself and was crying, but also wriggling and writhing around like he needed the toilet so the teacher asked if he needed to go my son then proceeded to tell her that he was just itchy and he always gets an itchy bum at night i had to confirm he did not have worms and this had not happened in quite some time she then went on to say my son had told his teacher that his grandma's dog bit his willy and it now has scabs on it. Oh, my God.

Hence the main purpose of the phone call. I had to assure the wellbeing officer, while trying not to laugh, that the dog had never bitten anyone, let alone my son's penis. Luckily, they saw the funny side and my son later confirmed he was joking. Joking? And I was was explaining often tells these elaborate stories he's 18 and i'm hoping that these stories now i'm joking i fell for that completely yeah he's he's a good one um he's five and i'm hoping that the story soon stopped we we tried to tell him the story of the boy who cried wolf, but he had a nightmare

about a wolf and eating him for a week solid. Anyway, I love the podcast. It cheers me up no end. Thank you, Faye. Yes,

that is intense, isn't it? That is something else. But that's a weird thing to lie about, isn't it? That a dog bit my willy and gave me scabs.

Where has he got that from? They should give him like a short, sharp shock and tell him the dog's been put down so that he knows that, you know, the power his words have. Yeah, I think I might be a short, sharp shock and tell him the dog's been put down so that he knows the power his words have. Don't put the dog down.

I think I might be too short and sharp. Okay. The dog's dead because you lied. I've got another one here. This one's from Kylie. Listening to today's episode, I too had a C-section a year ago yesterday. Junior doctor attending, and when during the tidy up, they were asked by the surgeon what they thought of the procedure.

The junior doctor's response was, it's disgusting, not what I expected, and I don't think I want to do this again. There was zero banter, and they moved on. That is amazing. That sounds like a terrible TripAdvisor review. I wouldn't come back. Very unwelcoming. I wouldn't come back. Very unwelcome in.

One star. Messy. Not been cleaned in weeks. She heard her own cesarean, the most important moment of her life, described as disgusting. Oh, I expected I wouldn't come back again. I know, awful. Some people are mean.

That is amazing. Disgusting. But surely, what did you expect what did you expect a cesarean to be well yeah like yeah i mean also as well what did you expect you know being a doctor would involve yeah exactly you're a doctor you're not like data input and then you've been brought in to look at cesarean like if you want something simple with clean cut lines be a swedish architect exactly and i've always said that to junior doctors um right have you got have you got any emails or do you want some more go on let me let me let me

go for this have a little look come on i trust you here we bloody go here we go josh you ready for this the old computer cranking in and yeah i have tried to buy a new computer rob by the way what's happening they've well they there's none available do you know what that is basically there's these certain components that are in everything and there's only a few factories that make them and one burnt down and because of like covid um and factories being shut down for now and again and brexit with the um shipping of stuff you can't get stuff i had to wait ages for vlux normally you can get them in a week sometimes on the shelf josh vlux you had to wait ages for yeah those little vlux windows yeah yeah for like a slanty roof yeah yeah i had to wait ages but they're normally fine because i this was the thing i went into

apple and i was like they had them all out yeah for V-Lux? Yeah, for V-Lux. An iWindow. Other slanty windows are available, but I don't know what they're called. So you went into the computer shop and they didn't have a computer? They had the computers out, but they then said, well, we just don't have any. It's like, don't have them out then, mate. Right, ready? Always.

Okay. Are you ready? Do you want me to do an instagram no let me do this sorry my mind is fucked i'm just completely lost it what's what's on your mind now what have you got i'm just burned out i'm just completely burned out okay i'm right is this is this is this fun content now is this actually a cry for help no no this is actually cry for help um so what have you got is what can you drop out why don't we go for your diary live on the podcast no no it's fine it's fine i've just got to get to the end of the day i've just got to advice for rob stroke paddling pool hi guys been listening to you guys making me laugh out loud for a while walking the dog

which makes me look like some crazy dog lady was listening about paddling pools and have a small hack for you both. Chlorine tablets that you can buy for hot tubs. Oh. You can buy a floating device that you put the tablets in, leave it in the pool after use. It keeps the water clean, meaning not having to change the water every time. Oh. Isn't that a useful thing to find out in the last week of summer, Rob? You know, seeing as I've just literally dragged my old paddling pool to the dump,

it's good to know that... Have you? Well, yeah, it got ruined. I know it's bad, but it only costs about 35 quid, and I just sort of... The amount of space it takes up, and it's normally always ripped, and I sort of buy one for the summer and then get rid. I know.

I know we've talked about it before, but if I could get rid of one invention, it would be paddling pool i'd say the sprinkler is more fun than the paddling pool love the sprinkler there's so much fun when i was a kid running over the top of a sprinkler is and the one have you got the sprinkler that moves left and right and then you can go under it like it's like a tunnel yeah that's yeah i genuinely think if you left me on my own with a sprinkler on the lawn now for an afternoon i'd still have a great time yeah because you could have your headphones in and still do interviews lying underneath it you can't get burnt out when you're wet okay this is another tip yeah i really enjoyed the latest podcast particularly the story

of the kid being left in the sweet shop due to parenting responsibility mix-up i have no memory of that yeah it's that bloody she left and they went off and the dad she thought the dad had the kid and then it ate all the sweets and then she got charged for the sweet yeah yeah that was a good day my wife and i read some read somewhere about the process of pilots handing over controls to their co-pilot through a verbal acknowledgement of your plane, my plane. We have adopted this for our son of 24 months. A bit young to fly a plane. That's good stuff. That is really strong.

Do you know what I mean? Like, you know, it's not stand-up podcasting, but you can still throw a few zingers in there when you need to, just to keep it going. His name is Harris. Harris? Harris. First name Harris?

First name Harris. That's what people call their arse, isn't it? You Harris? Where's he from? Not everyone lives in South East London. These people live in Nottingham. Oh, I was going to say, Mottingham. in Nottingham?

Oh, I was going to say, Mottingham? Look, Aris. Yeah, Aris. Cockney rhyming slang is Aris from Aristotle Bottle. Boot the fucking... Boot up the fucking Aris. What's Bottle got to do with...

I don't know. Aristotle Bottle. I know, because Aris... That's even... That's more confusing. Aris is already rhyming slang and then they've got rhyming slang for the rhyming slang. Are you from South East London?

Yeah. Aris, up the Aris. Your arse becomes, oh, arse becomes bottle and glass, which becomes bottle, normally leaves out a rhyme word. So it's basically a bottle becomes Aristotle. What a culture. That is not easier. No, it wasn't supposed to be easier.

It's so that the police didn't know what he was talking about. Why did the police need to know whether you were talking about apples and pears and stairs? Because everyone in East London and Southeast London near the docks was a criminal, and they were all buying and selling stolen goods, and they're doing this kind of stuff. There you go. I don't know who's buying an arse. No, who's buying an arse?

So, Aris. Aris stole a dog. I want Aris some apples and pears and a dog on bone. I suppose you could buy a dog on bone. Look, I've got 200 dog on bones. Yeah. And then the police are like, why has he got a big box of telephones next to him

while he's selling dogs? I just don't get this. So, yeah, Aris is rhyming slang for arse. Right. So, it'll be all right in Nottingham. Yeah, I, Harris is rhyming slang for arse. Right. So, it'll be all right in Nottingham. Yeah, I'll be fine in Nottingham. Is Harris a name?

It's a boy. Harrison. It must be Harrison. Yeah. His name is Harris. Right. Sorry, Harris. It does make some strange jokes in public.

So, what they'll do is they'll say, you're Harris, my Harris. So, they never get the situation. It sounds like they're doing a drug deal in South East London. So, you're Harris, my Harris. So they never get the situation. It sounds like they're doing a drug deal in South East London. So you're Harris, my Harris. God, I don't want to be wandering around East London doing this. No, but you do it with your own kid. So say you and Lou go out, right?

Yeah. And we go, yeah, you're Harris. So say my kid's called Gavin. You're Gavin, my Gavin. Yeah. So that's the way you do it so that you never leave a kid in a sweet shop. Your ass, my ass. Your face or mine. Basically, I've been really sidetracked by the name.

It was meant to make things simpler. And if anything, I feel that that ship has sailed. I think you've really complicated the issue to someone that knows Aris as rhyming slang. Yeah, I think that's the problem. Because you haven't heard of Shanks' pony? What's Shanks' pony? It's better than shanks's pony means like better than walking right and then ark him you've heard of ark him haven't you

i've heard of ark him yeah why would you say better than shanks's pony i don't know really i i moaned at my mom about our car being rubbish when i was a kid when he's better than shanks's pony and what is that um it used to refer to one's own legs and the action of walking um so you could you can use the chairless cable cars or even the trusty shanks's pony i'd say your mom's saying well it's better than walking is it's not a big sell for a car um well shanks or shanks derives from the name of the lower part of the leg between the knee and the ankle the shank but anyway thank you very much email in and i hope you have a lovely long life for your children shank and harris you got any uh instagrams rob um i'll have an instagram for you mate let's finish on this one that oh this is a good little tip this one let's finish on a tip

this is from tom heachum from norfolk hey rob and. Love the podcast, although four episodes a week would suit me better if that could be arranged. I think you could end, Josh. I don't know if that would be what I need at this moment. No, two's a stretch for Widdicombe at the moment, to be fair. My reason for emailing is I believe my genius hack could help others and I'd like to share. Not modest, is he, this guy?

I recently took my four-year-old son to Legoland. He's obsessed with Lego. As we all know, when setting up these treats treats they also become the blackmail for said child being good by use of reward charts for instance or in your case the pom-pom jar yeah this worked for a while but he soon started to ignore the chart this is why i came up with the lego elf the lego elf the lego elf or whatever your child is into so it could be a pepper pig elf or whatever it's like the dummy fairy yes the lego elf watches what we do all day but here's the good bit i changed the name of my phone on alexa announcement to lego elf now when i want him to

be good i just get lego elf to tell him through Alexa. Oh, my word. This also works when the Elf take toys away for being naughty, as then it's not your responsibility. You don't know where the toys have gone, so you can't get them back until the Lego Elf or Elf decides that they have been good enough to bring them back. I think that is the work of a fucking serial killer. Tom Hedgham, I think you're raising a monster.

You cannot have a robot in your house punishing your child. I can't get on board with that. The robot Lego elf in the corner that takes your toys away. Because what he's suggesting is you just nick the toys and hide them. And when the kid goes, Daddy, where's my toy? You go, the Lego elf took them. So now they think there's this actual thing walking around the house, stealing toys, then hiding in a little metal box

and talking to him all the time whilst always watching. Imagine when he gets to 14 and wants to have a wank. Fucking Lego elf's on his case. Put it away, will you, mate? I'd say that's one of the most terrifying oh but i'm getting stressed thinking about it it's terrifying but i reckon there's going to be a third of our listeners going that is awful but we're going to use that now oh yeah i'm definitely going to try later i'm not gonna laugh oh dear they say that alexa makes people

talk to like bad, bad manners. Like, and especially because it's Syrian, it's normally, like, female voices. It makes people, like, be rude, especially to, like, female people. Really? When you go, like, Alexa, stop. Because there's no, like, excuse me, please, do you mind turning the music off?

It's just stop. Shut up. Oh, I see. There's not enough manners. Exactly. That's what people are like. Alexa should go, do not talk to me like that. They go, pardon?

Pardon? Do you want your Lego back? Yeah. Do you? What's the magic word? What's the magic word? Upgrade to prime. Spend more on the store.

I'm the Lego elf. Have you got Alexa? Lou bought these little Alexa things in their bedrooms that they play music on, but I don't really understand how it works. I feel like a bit of a granddad. Yeah, we've got it. I never use it.

I never use it. Be careful, mate. We'll have an advert in a couple of weeks. Yeah, yeah, it's very good, actually. I do like it. All right, he's up for it. Just edit out the bit we don't need. Yeah, I don't think I would employ that strategy, on the alexa to be honest no uh but if anyone does employ it and you know you can

make it really edgy do you know what i mean well yeah well they go yeah we have been using it and um you can see what uh what impact it had on on crime watch next week um the results of my child's case will be on there um but yeah no that is that i think that's too i like the idea but i can't see it working i think it might freak the kids out too much personally each to their own each to their own what i thought it'd be nice to end with rob yeah is uh it'd be nice to end with some uh some nice emails about um particularly about jeff norcott who i thought did an amazing thing to come on here and talk about what he did

he talked about a late miscarriage and so I thought it would be nice to read out some emails from people who were affected by that there's also some lovely emails about you Rob but I don't think we should read those out hi guys I just want

to send a huge thank you to you both for this podcast i've been listening for four to five months now and for three of those months my husband has been deployed he's a pilot in the raf he's been super busy and i've been at home with our 18 month old daughter your podcast massively helped with the loneliness the days were the only time i had to myself was listening to this whilst cooking dinner i even had you playing at breakfast time sometimes just to hear adults or to drown out our thoughts when worrying about my husband. On the days when I felt guilty about finding solo parenting hard, I felt normal thanks to the stories you share. It was so helpful to hear other people find parenting difficult and it's okay to want to have time to yourself. I've recommended your podcast to literally all my parenting friends

and also those that don't have kids just because i love it so much i'm just listening to the jeff norcott episode where you guys talk about panic attacks and i felt like i had to message you're both so fantastic about normalizing important struggles and i'm so grateful that i stumbled across the episode thank you so much for helping me get through my second stint of solo parenting during the pandemic. I'll be forever grateful, Hannah. That's a nice message.

That's nice. That's more about us than Jeff though. I know. I saw his name in the email and then I started reading it and I realised

halfway through I fucked up here. I wouldn't be surprised if you just edited in the Jeff bit because there are actual Jeff emails. Yeah. Do you want a Jeff Norcott one Jeff bit because there are actual Jeff emails. Yeah.

Do you want a Jeff Norcott one? Yes, as you promised, please. Yeah. We're getting enough compliments here. Give it, sling on to Jeff. All right, guys. First of all, cracking podcast. Been listening since the beginning

and you will not believe how much this has helped me through the proper lockdown. I was furloughed from my job and was stuck at home with an angry ginger wife and three children under the age of seven. Lockdown hell. Strange detail he's thrown in there. Gingers never stops for the gingers, even married.

No, it does, even if you're married and you've given the man three children and, you know, I'm a little bit happier. She's still getting ginged off. I've just listened to the Jeff Norka episode and felt this instant need to pull over and message you guys. My wife and I went through a miscarriage before the birth of our first child. And as mentioned on the podcast,

words cannot explain how unbelievably tough and hard it is on the woman, both physically and mentally. It really affected my wife, and she sadly sunk into a dark hole of depression. Thankfully she's such a fighter, she's worked incredibly hard to battle this. So refreshing to hear Jeff normalize the fact that men hurt too. I've never really spoken about the hurt and heartache I went through as I thought it was not the done thing and honestly no one ever asked how I was which I just accepted. Fast forward eight years after listening

to the episode I finally spoke to my wife about the hurt and emotion I was feeling. Fuck me there were tears but we managed to have the most amazing conversation about it and now we can actually talk about the little one we lost and not feel like we have to tread on eggshells. This sort of thing really does need to be talked about more, especially among men, and men need to learn that crying is not a sign of weakness, but strength. Wow, that was a lot of waffle of a message. He's put that in.

Just to be clear, that was him. Fucking hell, Josh, you're brutal. I know you're on a tight schedule, but poor guy's pouring his heart out. He's put that in. Anyway, keep up the cracking work on this epic podcast. Hands down the best out there, even better than Chris and Rosie Ramsey. Once again, he has put that in himself.

It's not the time to throw shade, okay? It's a serious message. That's him. Also, what about those two anchors on off-menu? No, that one was me. Oh, bless you. What was his name? Chris from Norfolk.

Thank you so much, Chris. And we'll forward that on to Jeff as well, because that is an amazing thing to hear. And I thought what Jeff did was brilliant on this show. Yeah, it's so impressive that you had that conversation because you could have still just been affected by it, but still sort of remained closed off. So the talking always helps.

And I think subconsciously your behavior may be different and not very positive because of stuff deep down like that you're not talking about so it's great to be able to be open and things like that so well done mate and well done jeff norcott thank you to everyone for listening for emailing and uh for you know appearing on the show if they're on the show it's been an absolute pleasure next week we'll be back with guests and we'll be back with our normal episode on Tuesday. We'll see you then. Cheers. Bye. Hello, I'm Tom Crane. And I'm Simran Shah. And we're the hosts of the new food and comedy podcast,

My Favourite Takeaway, where each week we're invited into the home of a celebrity guest to share their favourite takeaway exactly as as they'd normally have it. We'll be trying it all, from Peruvian street food slouched on James Acaster's L-shaped sofa, to an Antiguan feast huddled around Andy Oliver's dinner table, via an alfresco Indian takeaway sat in Tom Allen's garden. And we also want to hear from you, the listener. Your takeaway disasters.

Your weird habits. And your personal takeaway recommendations. You can follow us on Insta, My Favourite Takeaway Podcast. On Twitter, at Fave Takeaway Pod. Or you can email us, hello, at myfavouritetakeawaypodcast.com. And don't forget to subscribe, like and share. My Favourite Takeaway, the podcast for anyone who loves food but can't always be bothered to cook it. Available on all podcast platforms now.

All podcast platforms now. Hello, I'm John Richardson, and I'm here to tell you about the Comedians Playing Fantasy Premier League podcast. I'm Matt Ford, and I'm here to tell you that although our podcast is about Fantasy Premier League, it's not just for saddos, losers and virgins. Yeah, it's for cool people like us and you. You're listening to this, so you must be cool.

Each week, we follow the highs and lows of the fantasy football teams of some of the country's funniest people. The great thing is you don't really need to be into fantasy Premier League or even football to enjoy it. That's because each week Matt and I compete with each other, the lowest scorer in FPL having to do a humiliating forfeit each week. Spoiler alert, every week so far it's been Matthew. I'll be honest, it's not the start I'd hoped for. Already I've had

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