Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP24: Lucy Beaumont (The Return)

Episode Date: October 1, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP24: Lucy Beaumont (The Return) Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant actress, writer and stand-up comedian - Lucy Beaumont. Lucy's fantastic new book 'Drinking Custard: Diary of a Confused Mum' is available now. We highly recommend it! Please rate and review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Well, Beckett. And Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin. Good boy. There we go. He patted his head at the end as well.

Congratulations on what I consider to be the best british podcast of all time slightly annoyed that he obviously has american ones that he likes more than us rob jesus thank you very much it's simply not as good as till you're better than cereal then come back to me my three-year-old son robin is trying to get in on the act by announcing your names he hears a lot of the podcast when he's with me in the car and always asks what is so funny daddy when i'm enjoying the podcast keep up the fantastic work and i'll be first in line when you take the podcast to ireland i think he means when you or has he written that in an irish we'll never know regards damien wiley we take it to the to ireland what do you mean like maybe a live show in Ireland. Oh, yeah, he says on tour. Sorry, I missed the words on tour

because I was so enthroned by ye. Oh, maybe he's got Irish podcasts he likes, Rob. He's from Ireland. Oh, yes, there'll be Irish ones that he prefers to us. Will it? Okay. Well, I'm glad you're enjoying Joanne McNally more than us. She's very good.

Hasn't got a kid, though. He can't get her on. Can't get her on. Just have a kid so we can book you, mate. How are you you Rob? yeah I'm good I'm not too bad actually enjoying a bit of time

had a nice day off with the kids on Sunday played water balloons oh yeah it was a bit sunny it was a bit sunny last week last Sunday I'll be honest with you

these water things I got from Costco they're dreadful for the environment so much plastic but what a lot of fun and I just think we're ruining the world for the kids let them have a lot of fun and i just think we're ruining the world for

the kids let them have a bit of fun while it lasts well i collected it all up and i'm going to put it in recycling the plastic so i'm not throwing it away but what you do is you get like a you get like 20 balloons yeah on sticks and then you literally just screw it's all connected together you screw it onto the tap outside tap or the hose and then it fills them all up and then you literally just screw, it's all connected together and you screw it onto the tap, outside tap or the hose, and then it fills them all up and all you have to do is just pull them off the stick and they're already tied up with a little bit of elastic band. Oh, wow. So you get like 50 water balloons in about 10 seconds.

Oh, my God. Water bomb things, yeah. What are the water bombs? Did your children enjoy it and did they throw them at you and it was all very playful in a lovely family manner? Yeah, they did. Right. But there was a couple of issues.

Well, what I did was I said, you have to tidy them up. So once we burst all the blue ones, we all went around together to find all the blue ones. Because obviously the balloon makes a mess, doesn't it? Yeah. So that was all on the floor. And then so I made them all pick it all up to put it in the recycling box thing we had. Yeah. And so we did that.

And then I went off and did other ones but the issue the issue was a water balloon is quite hard isn't it and i got a bit carried away and the first one i threw i threw half power but still pretty powerful right on my daughter's chest and it didn't burst. She just went, oh. Oh, no. And I was like, oh. And she went, oh.

You know when you win stuff, oh, dad. Like an old man. Oh, dad. And I was sorry that it means it. So in the end, I just threw them at their feet because it got them wet

and it was funny and that. And then they started squeezing them at me. But I've just sent them to you. They're great, Josh. Look, literally 265 water balloons and it takes like one minute to fill them up it's great fun but obviously awful for the environment but what you're gonna do there you go what you're gonna do mate let's not dwell on that you know we're all doing our best

in other areas rob you can't win them all look i've got an electric car so i'll still have water balloons i think it needs to be a trade system you can't just make everyone feel bad about themselves all the time you're not allowed a plastic straw but then they give you a plastic cover for a cup why not make that cut surely the cover needs to be cardboard but was anyone criticized you over the water balloons no but as i did it i was like this is bad okay i was thinking who's this person no but you know when you're doing something and you're like, I think I've made progress

where before I wouldn't even have thought about it. Now, I'll think about it and still do it and at some point I'll probably think about it and then not do it. Do you know what?

Whenever I buy one of those magazines with the plastic toys on the front, I think this is unbelievable. Here am I with my paper straw and now I'm trying

to buy a magazine that should be made out of fucking paper. Exactly. But they've got something made out of paper. But isn't paper killing the trees?

I don't know anymore, Rob. How do you live? What do I do? I want to play water bombs. I can't do it. I can't do it in cardboard.

Imagine that launching like a bucket of cardboard at each other with water. Do you know why they don't bring up water balloons a lot? Because they don't think it's probably cool. They don't think it's as big a part of people's lives as other things. I don't think that's the main issue, is it? No.

Just lobbing them. You see a turtle choking on a water balloon. Yeah, you need to keep your head down on this, Rob. You don't want it to become one of the big issues. You don't want it to become a hot topic. Well, yeah, because plastic straws are stopped. But why do they still do the plastic lid? Surely it should just both be cardboard.

Yeah, I agree. Because they do that all the time. Oh, it's a cardboard straw. It's like, great. And then they give me a plastic tub. I'm like, that's bigger, isn't it? I feel deep guilt about my plastic lids. Yeah.

Oh, I tell you, this is something, Rob. If you want to talk about the environment. Yeah. And my single-use plastics. You know I bought a soda stream. Yeah. It stopped working

within two months. Oh, here we go. Finally, we're going to give them some shit with all that free advertising. Let's get into them. And I've got through three different bottles of CO2.

I think it was the bottles. I think you're having too much stream. Am I streaming too much? Am I sodaring too much? You're streaming too much. The bottle, it stopped fizzing my water. It just fires

useless air into the water. I don't understand how it works. So is it the canister or is it the machine? It's the machine because I've got so much CO2 in my house, Rob. I'm worried it's going to float away like up. Yeah, but you're buying those massive canisters. I know

I am. If you make sure you're better, I do healing balloons. Well, there we go. We're all killing the planet, but I'm trying not to kill it too much. Also, you're big on laughing gas. That's how you do most weekends, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. I might just, you know,

what can I have that's good for the, you know, okay, I'll have heroin. It's a naturally occurring drug. Just make sure, Rob, that you're... I'm melting it on a, not a plastic spoon. Yeah, that's good. I'll use fine're... I'm melting it on a... Not a plastic spoon. Yeah, that's good. I'll use fine silver when I'm melting my heroin up.

That's the main thing. Is it melting? I don't know. I've never done heroin. I wouldn't know where to start. I wouldn't know where to start. Wouldn't know where to begin on that one. Anyway, how's your week been?

All right? All good? You calming down a bit now? You're a bestseller? Yeah, it's a bit fraught at nursery because all the older kids have left. I've told you about this before. Yes, yes.

How's she getting on? So the most popular child has left, who they're all friends with. It's left a power vacuum, Rob, at the top. It's like the Big Brother house. You know, like when a dictator gets deposed and then the whole country goes to shit because actually that's what was keeping it.

What makes you popular in a nursery these days? What makes you popular in a nursery? Just force of personality alone, really. Yeah, fair enough. So they're all still finding their place. But I think she's getting there. I think she's getting there. But it's all a bit mean, girls.

They're only three and a half, but there's so much politics going on. Is it all girls or girls and boys? Well, her friends are girls. Okay, cool. Old school. It's amazing how early they decided to fit into gender roles going on is it all girls or girls and boys well her friends are girls okay cool old school it's amazing how early they decided to fit into gender roles that we're trying not to enforce i know it's really it's absolutely insane you're like you're three and a half how are you into unicorns fairies and elsa come on mate you're a cliche think outside the box for heaven's sake have a thought of your own

are you sheeple oh what's that you're like pink deer pathetic grow up but daddy i just like it oh yeah gammon you little gammon gender's a construct you little shit right now i could not lou as well lou is so into like all different issues like that about gender roles and also you know trans and all those things charity things she works for

and she could she made a real to the point of having arguments with family members asking them not to buy them like pink prams until they ask for it and stuff but they absolutely love it

it could not be more girly it's an absolute joke and it's mad and you're like I don't know what to do I'm trying my best here I've built them football kits I've taken them to football I. You're like, I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best here. I've built on football kits.

I've taken them to football. I try and watch more stereotypically boy things. Not interested at all. Hate boys. Love girls. Not a bloody sausage, mate. Nothing. Literally not a sausage.

Exactly. But yeah, so she's calming down now that it's settling or she's still a bit off. It's still a bit off. It's still a bit off. She's still struggling with it slightly. But I've spoken to other parents whose kids are struggling as well and that's cheered me right up. So that's good. As long as they're all miserable. As long as they're all miserable, that's the main thing.

I don't mind my kid being miserable with all the other kids at school miserable as well. Exactly. She just can't be miserable if they're happy, okay? Exactly. That's the main thing. Got any emails before we bring the bone one out? Yes. Hello, both.

I really enjoy the podcast. Not a parent myself, but an auntie. I listen while I'm attempting to run badly in the mornings before starting my working from home desk day. My most tragic stroke funny panic attack

was in the changing room in Karen Millen in the Glades Bromley. You must know the Glades in Bromley. I know the Glades, yes. And the Karen Millen. I know the Karen Millen. So is that panic in in Karen Millen in the Glades Bromley. You must know the Glades in Bromley. I know the Glades, yes. And the Karen Millen. I know the Karen Millen. So she's apparently in the Karen Millen.

I tried on a dress, open brackets, braless, closed brackets. I had to squeeze it over my boobs to get it on. It fitted like a glove at first. But I soon realised that it was a bit too tight to be a viable outfit. I was finding it hard to breathe deeply. I decided to get it off pronto. Unfortunately, the dress got wedged halfway over my boobs

in the most unattractive way. Clamped right down halfway over my nipples. I couldn't get my head around asking a shop assistant to help me as I'd not had a single ounce of dignity left. Oh no, tits out, head trapped. Suddenly, the panic set in. And I realised the dress was constricting my breathing further,

still in the newly wedged position. I couldn't get a breath and my chest was being compressed, trapped. I started to melt down, sweating. And then in a moment of sheer panic and fear, I hulked my way out of the dress, literally tore my way out of it with my bare hands. Oh, you ripped it? Like the Hulk.

It collapsed on the floor in a sweaty, tearful heap. Oh, no. A few minutes later, I realised that I had to get out of the shop and there was no way I was going to pay for the damage. I scrambled myself together, took the dress on its hanger and put it back on the shop floor. Safe to say, I never returned to the shop and always took steps to avoid walking past it

in the future oh the shirt the dress ripper the dress ripper that is from Charlotte I'm trying to unclose this

dress for all it it's awful you know when you go in and they count what you got yeah even if I didn't

want any of it I find it really awkward to go I don't want any of these so I'd go oh yeah I'll take that

one and then you take a t-shirt and just hide it somewhere else later on. Like the kid who's working in Top Man gives a shit that you've rejected all of their clothes. But it would be easier for them if they took them all. Now they've got to try and hunt like missing clothes. They're hidden around the shop.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, poor lady. What was her name or she had on? Charlotte. Charlotte. Charlotte, you owe Karen Millen 40 quid, 60. Oh, poor lady. What was her name? Or she had on? Charlotte. Charlotte. Charlotte, you owe Karen Millen 40 quid, 60 quid, whatever her address is. Now, we have an interview with someone who gets into about eight of those style scrapes a day. Yeah, she's a walking sitcom.

It's a Lucy Bone one. Returning to the show, she was on very very early day so it's quite nice to speak to her when it's a bit more about day-to-day parenting rather than the horrendous nightmare of lockdown yeah she has a book out also you'll know her from uh meet the richardsons uh which you've been in rob yes i've been in that show i've been on that show as a uh lucy's fictional co-host of a radio show she's so funny she's brilliant she reminds me a bit she's very gives me real Victoria Wood vibes yes I think she'll she already has been but will go on to be one of the best sort of comic writers and performers we've got she's amazing

you say the word national treasure Rob in the interview and I almost just said it ahead of you there which would have been absurd so um should we just do the interview yes do that I don't say National Treasure. That's Charlotte Church. Oh, is it? Well, let's say it with Lucy Beaumont, then. It's been a long day of interview recording. This is Lucy Beaumont.

Who, and let me be the first to say it, is a National Treasure. Lucy Beaumont, welcome back to the show. How are you? Hello. Good, thank you. Yes, welcome back to the show. How are you? Hello. Good, thank you. Yes, thanks for having me back. I think you were the third ever episode, Lucy. Oh, was I?

Yeah. Yeah, John did one, didn't he? And then I did one. Yeah. Well, we owe you because no one listened to it then. And now they do. So it's only fair you come back and get something out of it after doing us a favour.

Do you know what I mean? Oh, no problem. You got better guests after us then, didn't you? I think it's been a mixed bag overall. I'd say you and John's episodes, the couple ones always do well because you get a bit of infighting. Well, we were right in the midst of it then, weren't we? It was lockdown parenting hell, wasn't it? Yes, and now we're out and about. You're in a hotel room, I hear, Lucy. I know, yeah, I am, yeah.

It's quite mediocre, actually, to be honest. I'm in the same hotel, Lucy. How far away are you? What room are you in? Why? This sounds a bit weird. I don't want to tell you, Josh. Why are you in the same hotel as Lucy?

We're working together tonight, and I was was like oh i'm interviewing lucy today oh we're going to be doing this from separate hotel rooms how's your hotel room it's fine yeah it's um you know i i i'm slightly annoyed that i've been put in a building that's across the road from the hotel so i'm i had to walk in the rain to breakfast but i don't think that's a big issue in my life. You know? No. At least when we first did this podcast, you would have dreamt of being able to walk

across a rainy car park. Oh, mate. I'd have killed. Exactly. It shows you how quickly it all changes back, doesn't it? I know. I don't like the other clientele. Do you not?

Yeah, yeah. I saw them all at breakfast. They're smug. Why are they smug? They're all entitled. They're all, they're the new money. They're actually quite working class,

but they think because they're in Windsor that they need to act up. They dress up for breakfast. I didn't like it. It annoyed me. I left, I left early. I was disgusted by them all,

to be honest. So Lucy, where's the baby? It's not a baby anymore, is it? You've got a proper five-year-old child, is it? She's at school. The government have taken her off me. How's she doing? I don't know.

I don't know. She doesn't want to go ever. She just wants to play Lego and watch TV. And that's sort of all I want her to do as well. Yeah, that's all anyone wants to do, isn't it? It's just, can you swear on this? It just really pisses me off. I finally got her to an age where she'll actually play on her own,

interrupted, and then she has to go five days a week. And about 16 months I needed them to take her off me for five days a week she's a joy now she's like she's cool she's a little like she's our little mate well i don't know i'd yours at school yeah yeah yeah mine's mine uh my eldest is at school and then the the younger ones in the preschool um so I know you mean though now you know it's just like I'm a little mate with you I find they're not they're not as difficult anymore like having to take nappies out and change them but I will be told everything I'm doing wrong on a day out almost immediately like I've got three wives now I'm more I feel like I'm like a

Mormon on the weekend just getting mad imagine that have you had to like when they speak in the tone of the teacher I was doing something in the kitchen and I left something out and she said choose it use it

then put it away fuck off was she talking about John yeah oh god yeah maybe she just got it from him. So has she been at school for, what, two, three weeks? Is that when she started?

Yeah, and I just, like, the level of, the pictures she's bringing back, they're just not good enough. Like, I was keeping the first, the first week I kept, like, three of them, and now I'm ending up, like, what's his name that artist Perry singing Perry judging all the pictures yeah like which one do I want to keep so I'm throwing them all away and I feel awful but they're not good enough yeah there is I do think there's a you need a sort of quality control method on your kids drawings and paintings

like scribbles on a bit of card they've've got to go. You can't keep that. I was just thinking, the amount we've got, and I'm thinking, when am I going to go back through this drawer and kind of tearfully remember these awful pictures? Do you know what I mean? Like, I think you need to do a kind of keep one, throw nine, maybe. That's about the ratio we're looking at. So what's your method, Lucy, at the moment?

Well, I've bought these picture frames off Amazon, just four. So I'm only going to put up four pictures. I haven't put them up yet, but I just want four pictures from the ages of one to five that best depict her. That's a nice idea. Yeah, and I'm throwing all the rest. Do you know what you could do it like, Lucy? You could do it like, you know the, I don't know how many chairs it is,

but that five chair challenge or whatever it's called on x factor where you have the pictures in and then when she brings back a new one you go is this good enough to replace one of the ones in the frame like they say when you do the comedy store and they go which act would you do you think you should replace on the bill that so she knows that she's going to up our game if she wants to get in the frame yeah and that that's the slogan you can use up your game if you want to get in the frame i hated it when they said that to me when i did the comedy store like oh who do you think you can replace i was like fucking sit down i'll give you a list giving it a big one like did you i'm not gonna be too honest but at the time there was very questionable acts doing that gig, and I felt like, fucking cheek, what do you mean which one?

I was in a gig at the Comedy Store, and I actually contemplated getting run over outside before so I didn't have to go in. Why did you want to do it? I didn't want to get completely run over. I just wanted a little, a big bruise, you know, that I could show them. Yeah, to get off. It's quite rowdy.

The late show's quite rowdy there, I suppose. But yeah, you didn't actually get run over there, did you, Lucy? No, no, I just contemplated it. And how was your first day dropping her off then, starting school? Oh, it was awful. I mean... And have you moved house as well? Is that right?

Yeah, yeah. So it's a lot of change for her, isn't it? I know, I know. Preschool was harder harder that first day. I talk about preschool in my book in quite a lot of detail. It sort of leads up to that point. That was just, I mean, it's going to be one of them images that stays with John because I took her in and dropped her off

and she was just distraught. Yeah. And then they said, go, just leave. Like they had to prise her off me and they said, just go. Isn't it awful? And then I was like, I got. She peeled her fingers off you. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the worst bit. You can actually see them peeling them off you like that. Oh my God. It's horrible. Awful, isn't it? And I got back to the car and I said, I can't deal with this, John. And I marched back in.

But when I went back into the classroom, she was fine. And they were all getting in their weather gear to go down to this forest school in a park, like down the road. But because they were all busy, they didn't sort of notice me there. And there was this really cute little girl. And she had like an eye patch and a hair in her and she was like really like old for her age i can't we had the mirror was it a mirror we just had this sort of like bond and she asked me to help her get ready and before i knew it i was sort of walking down with them to the to the

forest school and the other teachers they didn't seem to mind you all have to like hold on to a rope and go down you know like convicts a bit so Lucy you dropped your dog trough who was crying and then you went back to car upset panicked and run back in to get her I assume and then you didn't get her because she didn't notice you and she was fine at this point anyway, but you befriended a small girl and went to Forestville. She, like, led me out with them. So I went with them and I held her hand. And could your daughter see you by this point?

She was really giving me daggers. She was so embarrassed. She was pretending I was... I don't understand why the other key workers didn't say, you're an adult. I don't know. But John's face when I walked past... You walked past the car?

You walked past him with the kids? Yeah. Nah. See, this is mental. Where was John? In the car? And he looked at me and said, what are you doing? And we went, like like all down the road and then into this like cut through this like forest area and you had to like hold your

hands up in the air so the nettles didn't get you and they did look you know like hostages coming out of a building they look like that and the little girl said don don't worry, I'll look after her. It was really sweet. And then we all sang songs together, so I stayed. You stayed? Yeah. And I tried to get Elsie to sit with me, but she wouldn't sit with me. Lucy, this is absolutely insane. I mean, I think if you had to write an example of the worst way to drop your kid off at preschool, I think that would be up there.

The only thing that beats that is you crying at the door. It's so dramatic. And then we went... How long was you there for? But then what we realised, this little girl, she'd used me. She'd completely manipulated me. So she asked me to help her put some shoes on, you know, to go down to forest school, which I did.

And the key worker said when we were, like, around the campfire, she said, they're not her shoes. She tries to put that other girl's shoes on every day. So isn't that clever? So she'd used you to kind of trick you into stealing some stolen goods with her? Yeah. So when did... I'm going to how did the whole thing end you sang songs what songs did you sing we sang songs and then they got some bread out to toast when it started getting heavy

when they started lighting fires that's when it started getting heavy, when they started lighting fires, that's when I... Started getting heavy. That's when I left then, at that point. And she, as I say, she was fine and she really didn't want me there and obviously I'd caused this problem with these giant shoes. So I'd overstayed my welcome. So I left and got in the car. Overstayed your welcome. What did John say to you when you got in the car?

He was really annoyed with me. He said, what were you doing? He was really annoyed. How long did the whole thing last? 45 minutes, something like that. An hour. And he was late for something as well. And the teachers didn't say what you're doing or...

They just let me get on with it? I don't remember that was a good thing. I think some parents at the school gates do have a look in their eye where it's just not worth

talking to them like that. You just sort of think they're obviously working through something. Just let her steal some shoes with the little girl and let her sit

by the fire for a bit and she'll slowly wander off. And how was the second day of the drop-off? Did you end up doing PE? John did it on his own. He did it. He wouldn't let me do it.

Really? He wouldn't let me do it the next day. Was you in the car or was you at home? Yeah, I was at home. Because, like, it's up a hill and I don't drive, so when I take her, it's... Well, when it was then, I used to take her up in her pram, even though she's too big for it.

I used to try and make the pram like a taxi. I used to put a hood over it and have a hot water bottle and give her YouTube to watch. Try and make it like a home cinema. How long was the walk? Because this was obviously when she started preschool, so this was like two years. But as I say, it got us prepared for school.

So she didn't she didn't want to go but she's I've got all my neurotic behaviour out so that was your oh that was pre-school that wasn't

yeah oh that's good I think in a way because yeah they are young though pre-school they're so little

it is a bit different now that you know when they're five and they go after school they do feel like a little mini adult do you know what I mean a bit more so

but I still when every time I drop mine off and see them walking down that little path, I do just go, oh, look at my little baby wandering off. I hope she'll be okay. Oh, dear, I know. It's so hard, isn't it? I mean, the little uniform doesn't help either, does it? No, and it always looks like too many layers, massive backpack. The water bottle's so heavy.

Has she got friends at school? Like, are you asking her about stuff like that? Yeah, she's got one best mate and they've, like, become, like, the same person. They eat the same food. She just says, I'll have whatever a friend wants. It's really cute, actually. So she's all right like that she's not like john she's she's made friendships quickly how are you with like play dates and stuff oh god i've just

started having do you know so because it's all a new thing the play date thing because i used to meet up with mums who had like kids the same age and would all meet up together you know and that was more for us and now she's having like actual friends that I don't know come around and I've got to but I've been introduced badly with this because the first mum I met we went to the park and she brought cans of gin and tonic and it was only 10 o'clock in the morning did you have to have one out of politeness? Well, I thought that's what you do. So, like, when I've been having playdates,

I've always asked the other mum, do you want gin and tonic? And so when they've said water, I've just sort of vetted them and then they don't come back again. But now I know that's actually normal not to drink. I think it's more normal not to drink, isn't it, really? Yeah, I'd say so. No. Yeah, it, really? Yeah, I'd say so. No. Yeah, with kids in the morning, I'd say yeah.

But I had one recently, and the mother, it's a bit funny because you don't want to talk about people in case they listen and stuff. And I think it's okay to say she's a very timid mum, you know, really. That's coming from you and John as well. And from, you know, we were talking about Christianity. She's from a very,

you know, Christian family. And then it wasn't my daughter's fault. They were in the other room dancing. I don't know how they'd done it, but they were asking Alexa. They'd gone through like Gummy Bears, Crazy Frog, Ed Sheeran, you know, asking Alexa for stuff. And I don't know what they'd gone through like Gummy Bears, Crazy Frog, Ed Sheeran, you know, asking Alexa for stuff. And I don't know what they'd asked

for, but Alexa had misinterpreted it and it was like, put your on my, you know, work it, work it, work that ass. Work that ass. And we walked in and they were all dancing to this. And this poor woman, I think she thought it was like our playlist or something.

I was so apologetic. It sounds like it was WAP. That is probably the worst song. I think that was it. Why does Alexa let you put stuff like that? How can you go from Crazy Frog to that? So did you let the song play out out of awkwardness or did you go, Alexa, stop? I was trying to say, Alexa, stop.

I've got a whole accent and she doesn't listen to me. So what did you do, Lucy? Alexa, Alexa, stop. Oh, you do the posh voice? Well, she only understands me if I say posh. Alexa, stop. Stop. Stop, Alexa.

What did the mum say? She just wanted to get out of there. She was like, I was about out of there. We'd just been having such a wholesome conversation in the living room. Oh, wow. And then she walked into chaos. Oh, it was awful. It just wasn't nice.

They're dancing to it. They were dancing to it and stuff, you know. I don't even know how you dance to that song get down just get down and what did you ask your daughter what they were asking for i didn't find out they were just shouting stuff at alexa so i don't know do we think john's been at home listening to this while you've been out? That's so boring. This would be quite fun. If people are listening to this on an Alexa, if I say now, Alexa, Alexa, play my neck, my back. Do you think your daughter's got quite a, because obviously this is quite a shocking moment. Do you think you're quite wholesome parents in that sense then?

I get the feeling that like, it's quite a kind of, I don't want to say the word again, wholesome household. Do you know what I mean? There's not much car db going around john's very john's very moralistic as well very sensible isn't it you know oh yeah totally yeah but i mean childhood should should be magical well because i think some people might think though oh they're think oh if my kids are going around my house there's a comedian who might be a bit sweary he might be a bit you know

where I think are you a bit paranoid about that as you're both comedians they might think your house is a bit of a risk yeah yeah I just try to I'm wanting to live a normal life it just doesn't just doesn't seem to go that yeah but i am i am worried that they think oh you know the comedians and they're on telly and yeah i don't

i want to be like a step bride really but you're because your daughter your daughter is in your tv show and now she's getting older what because before she was like a toddler so what's it like now are you a bit wary of her being in it a lot? Because really, the more she talks, she's going to become a TV personality. Yeah, no, she's not. We've put her in less and less as the series. So you just see the back of her head now for this one. Grinding.

And was that a conscious decision then between you and John? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, especially like you say now she's older and she's got a life of her own yeah it's got such a yeah no it's really important yeah it freaked us out we've not been the type I mean I'm found people who are putting her on social media and stuff anyway but yeah no we we definitely our rule was like if you could recognize her in public then we've gone too far so had she been recognised for photos and stuff in public?

If they ask you and John, do they try and get her in as well because they're fans of the show? It's weird that, isn't it? Have you had that? I once recognised Harper Beckham when she was a baby. I was walking down the street and I was like, oh, I recognise that baby. And then I realised it was Victoria Beckham holding the baby

with her back to me. Oh oh my god well so people ask her for a photo then when you've been out together as a family i do what like once or twice and i found it obviously i said no it's really weird yeah photo of my child yeah for less than a tenner at least yeah but that's a new thing having pictures like because I used to be quite nice because no one used to ask me

for pictures I used to take the pictures of John and now they want pictures of us both and it feels a bit more like oh

when we're out as a family yeah because normally I'd have walked on you know if they want a picture with John

I'd have walked on well you have to leave you have to leave your kids to the side while you're still yeah and then she's like mommy's working darling yeah and then it feels bad because they're like if someone was imagine you know forgetting that you're on the telly it's because you're famous if you're just a child and everyone's having a photo and they go you're not allowed in it even though you're doing it for like oh we don't want that person you know it's hard to explain but they just think you don't want to be in pictures

what's the impact of that you know yeah either way we're gonna fuck her up so what what can we do well yeah because it's a it's a bit different with me and lou that you know people don't really ask lou for photos because you know but then so lou will go after the girls and i'll do it but people have been coming up to us and going oh are you lou from the podcast because i talk about lou. Oh, heck. At Legoland, they were chatting to Lou more than me. If you're out and about

and you see Rob and his family, go up and just ask Lou for a photo. I do fucking hate that. Do you want to have a photo with me? Are you Lou Beckett? Can I get a photo, please? It sometimes happens. There's a certain type of man

who comes up to me and John and just asks for a photo with me. And they always, basically they live with their mothers. Have you got a slightly sort of, an aspect of your audience is a sort of odd demographic of lonely man? Yeah, well you get the audience you deserve, don't you? Men all need a lot of support well you might go well she married john so she might like me so you talk about uh kind of the perils of sharing your life lucy you your new book drinking custard diary of a confused mom which as we should say, is brilliant. But it also, let's be honest, you talk brilliantly,

but primarily, I'd say, you're a very gifted writer, Lucy. Oh, thanks, Josh. You are. It's good both of you are. Stop it. Michael, definitely leave this bit in. Okay? Definitely leave this bit in.

I mean, none of us are Richard Osman, are we? No, none of us are Richard Osman, exactly. That is something that keeps us awake at night. Do you worry about how much you share about your family life? Like in this book, when you're writing it, you're thinking in 10 years she might read this. Yeah, I did get really worried about that but I was already about halfway through when it dawned on me I was like heart's in back now heart's in back now but

I've accepted the advance and I've spent it it's too late I know well I thought I was the only person in lockdown that I thought when lockdown hit I thought I'm going to be really canny here and I'm going to write a book because no one else will have thought about doing that and then and so I got a meeting with a publisher and I wanted to write a book a short story about a woman who has an invisible frog and is a borderline alcoholic so the autobiography is quite early for that. And he said, no. You're mean, but you're quick, so you get away with it, don't you? Sorry.

You're not an alcoholic, are you? You don't have that frog anymore, do you? I did used to collect frogs. I never thought of it like that. Did you? Yeah. I used to go to car boot sales as a 12-year-old. Well, to sell them or to collect them? I used to go to car boot sales and go,

people say, have you got any frogs? I'll buy them off you if you've got anything froggy. Oh, so like not actual frogs, but frog things? Oh, no, yeah, yeah. Like a frog fight? Okay. Yeah. How many did you end up with?

Oh, loads. I had, you know up with oh loads i had you know like a what you call them a dado shelf you know that goes around the whole bedroom higher i just put them all up there yeah anyway uh but yeah but he was like no that's a terrible idea yeah um but why don't you write a book about parenting and I think he said you can put your weird frog story in your book so I did yeah that's a little treat yeah but I I had a lot I wanted to say and I wanted to make it obviously make it funny I had I'd collected all these anecdotes that I enjoy telling people you know know, all these ridiculous things. Because, I mean, you both know me now.

I mean, I am a walking sitcom every day. We've worked together and it's almost like you're a magnet for it. You know when some people just attract people or situations and you're with them? It's like being on a roller coaster. It must be exhausting, this being their day. All these little pot or pot you know like the stuff that happens in a sitcom it does sort of be attracted towards you lucy do you feel that yeah yeah but they're all in the book but i also want you know i had a difficult time as well you know and then you know the the birth was like horrendous you know and we're i'm pretty

sure we both had post-traumatic like actually actually seriously had post-traumatic, you know, shock from it. So I want it to be just, there is a lot of bare feet, sorry, but I think it is really important just, you know, telling your perspective on it because it is a mental time. So I've tried to just be truthful really with how I'm feeling. And I think you do see how like we both come out, you know, we come out the other end. And I think you do see how, like, we both come out, you know, we come out the other end. And I tried to, going back to your question,

there is a lot about Elsie, obviously, but I tried to make it more about me and my perspective on things and tried to, hopefully, the reader knows when I'm lying to myself. You know what I mean? Yeah. And you've got John. John does interruptions in it as footnotes. Because he'll recall things slightly different. So every now and again, you've got his voice interrupting.

Did he read it and then just do what he wanted or? Yeah. Did you vet what he wrote? No, I just let him do what he wanted. He was you know he was good at you know the past where they are maybe a bit more uh emotional really he would maybe not he wasn't chipping him with a gag yeah look she's banging on about it but her labor didn't seem too hard to me anyway that's my five that's my five cents worth next chapter but But yeah, yeah. So no, so yeah, I'm proud of it.

And I think, I hope it's for anybody, but I think you do see how I come out of it okay. Because at one point, I mean, the height of sleep deprivation at about six months was just, I was mental. And I had these like mum friends from a play group that I went, we went to Manchester clubbing and I hadn't slept for weeks. And I was so upset because everyone was 18.

And it was the first time I'd been in a nightclub for years. And, like, it was so weird that, without sounding a bit odd, when I was sort of younger, you know, in my early 20s, I would maybe get a little bit of attention in a nightclub. It was so weird seeing the same sort of guys, you know, younger, who were like, you're invisible. You know, as soon as like you turn 30, you're like invisible to men. And it was like quite freeing, but it annoyed me in this nightclub.

We were all dancing and we all felt so old. And there was this lad, right? You know when they don't have socks on with shoes? And he had like really tight, those really tight trousers and a pink shirt on you could see like he's bald it was like it was disgusting and what he was flirting with all these young girls and he was shimmying over to us farting and going back to them he would use useless to fat. He did it three times. And honestly, I could have killed him. I'm not sure of it.

And I said, you need a poo, go to the toilet. What did he say? He just walked off. It was so embarrassing. I mean, I was sleep deprived. I can imagine you doing that as everyone was. Because you're quite quiet and stuff, but when you want to be heard, you are heard.

Do you know what I mean? So I imagine it was very authoritative. I'm from a long line of fish waves. That's what I mean. You've got two personalities where you sort of are quite quiet and stuff and will shuffle off, you know, on preschool down to forest school. But then you will scream at someone in the nightclub, you need a shit.

I could have dragged him there. I could have dragged him to the toilet and stood with him whilst he had a poo. It was the injustice of it. Injustice. So you were like the height of sleep deprivation. What kind of sleep patterns were happening then at six months? I'm kind of...

I'm always obsessed with the lowest points of sleep deprivation. Because I breastfed till 16 16 till she was 16 months and so that particular point what was annoying was that obviously she didn't need it anymore yeah it was she was just taking the piss she was waking like four or five times a night and like sometimes she'd wake up and cry for milk and i'd go in and she'd already fall back asleep. And I'd be like, you know, and I'd be awake. So it was, it was just, she was in such a disturbance. So it was like four or five times, but she wasn't napping in her, I couldn't, we couldn't get a napping.

Like in a car. So napping would only be, she had to be, you know, in a pram. We had to be moving. Oh no. Oh mate. So it wasn't like you could chill out, you know in a in a pram we had to be moving oh no oh my so it wasn't like you could chill out you know while she was napping so it wasn't it was mental oh god what um what did you do did it just change or did you do sleep training or did you do anything it yeah after and i already told you about the screen the the milk in the Peppa Pig bowl. That was the climax where it was like, right,

we're going to have to do Cry It Out. You might have told us, but it was 18 months ago. It bears repeating if so. Well, that was the final point where I was like, enough is enough. She'd had, I'd taken her out and she'd had, you know, a nap in a pram and she'd fallen asleep. And so I had a nap and I woke up and I needed to I mean obviously it's not sometimes people don't like these sort of graphic images but I needed to

express you know I had a lot of milk and I got a pepper pig bowl out um because it was the only thing I could find because it was leaking and all I did was just that lightly tap on my chest and it squirted out quite far so I thought wow you know like there's guns you know at theme parks there's water guns so I put the pepper pig bowl a bit further away on the table so I wonder how far I can aim it and I did it again and it was like about honestly Honestly, the complete truth, I could squirt it about a metre. But then our electrician that was doing work on our house walked in. Oh, God. On me.

That is another one of those sitcom moments for you, isn't it? I know. It sounds like I'm making this up. I'm not. What did making this up I'm not I'm not making it up the really unfortunate thing was that after I well no after I woke up

for a nap I was a bit cold so I put this shirt on that was next to me and sadly that was his shirt that I was wearing and I didn't know until John got back in and I found a little bit of gaffer tape in the pocket

because John said who's shirt are you wearing so you was wearing his shirt and spraying milk a metre across the kitchen and you walked in yeah did he say anything or did you say sorry and walk out well I said you've seen it all before, haven't you?

You've got to be right. No! And I said, the bra's from Max and Spencer's. Oh, my God. I know, this all sounds weird, but basically, like, obviously, like, and John came back and I was like, this can't carry on, this is like, I knew it was just all mental. I was like, this is ridiculous, look at me, like, I can't. But you're so like, I knew it was just all mental. I was like, this is ridiculous.

Look at me. Like, I can't. But you're so sleep deprived. You're not even sort of functioning properly. Like, you're just, it's all mental, isn't it? Because you're not thinking things through. Yeah. And that's when I had to get strict.

And we did cry it out. We did the cry it out method. Because I'd read all the stuff. I was saying how, like, awful it is. We had to do that. We tried, but we had to do that. We did it about after a few months or whatever, but sometimes you just sort of have to

or it just never ends and they're not happy. They're not resting. It's better to have those few nights of crying rather than every night. Totally. Controlled cry out. If you go through like a method

and stick to it. Yeah. Oh yeah. It changed our life. I totally understand people that, like Russell Cain, for example, did it like about 10 minutes after the baby being born

and shutting all the windows. Joking. But he maintains it was great for him. I personally wouldn't do quite out straight away without trying all the other methods. Me and Lou didn't want to do that. But eventually we just had to and it was the best thing we ever did.

Yeah. I mean, I tried it on John a couple of weeks ago and felt like that was the best time for him, 39. Also, do you know what? It would be good to know if anyone listening can actually go further than a metre. Maybe we could do a world record of breast milk into a Peppa Pig bowl and try and find some. We're not going to ask for proof.

I think that would be too far. Yeah, we don't need it. We'll take your word for it. Up to three metres. Anything beyond that, we will need. Yeah, we don't need it. We'll take your word for it. Up to three metres. Anything beyond that, we will need. We will need some kind of drink. We'll have to send someone. Michael will come round the couple

just to double-check it like the Guinness World Record. You've got to miss a feed. You've got to miss a feed, and then it really shoots out, you know. Stop giving away your secrets. Imagine in the build-up to the World Championship missing eight feet wow it's an olympic year i've got i've got a really

hello i'm tom crane and i'm simran shah and we're the hosts of the new food and comedy podcast my favorite takeaway where each week we're invited into the home of a celebrity guest to share their favourite takeaway exactly as they normally have it. We'll be trying it all from Peruvian street food slouched on James Acaster's L-shaped sofa, to an Antiguan feast huddled around Andy Oliver's dinner table, via an alfresco Indian takeaway sat in Tom Allen's garden. And we also want to hear from you, the listener. Your takeaway disasters. Your weird habits. And your personal takeaway recommendations. You can follow us on Insta, My Favourite Takeaway Podcast. On Twitter, at favetakeawaypod.

Or you can email us, hello, at myfavouritetakeawaypodcast.com. And don't forget to subscribe, like and share. My Favourite Takeaway, the podcast for anyone who loves food, but can't always be bothered to cook it. Available on all podcast platforms now lucy thank you so much it's been amazing and what's your book called again just to remind our listeners i can't remember no i'm joking i can tell you it's called gin and frost confused mom yeah drinking custard there in the country with mum lucy when you type lucy beaumont b into um google the first thing that comes up is big breakfast oh yeah i know it's hilarious that

what what is that that was quite that's been quite good for me actually because obviously like i have so many stories don't i and I honestly think people think I'm making them up and I think that's been quite good because I used to do that story on stage and no one believed me and then someone found a clip of it on YouTube that it was um I basically came home from primary school one day and my mum said you've won a competition and we're going on TV and you need to keep your mouth shut and what she'd done with it was big breakfast've won a competition and we're going on TV and you need to keep your mouth shut. And what she'd done, it was Big Breakfast had done a competition for kids to design a fountain. You know, it feeds into your 90s book really well,

which I'm reading at the moment, Josh. I think it's absolutely brilliant because that was like such 90s viewing, wasn't it? And my mum, because my mum went to art college and she was sat at home bored so she drew this amazing picture of this fountain and we won and i had to pretend it was my drawing it was like only fools and what was the prize they actually made the fountain and i had to unveil it oh my god they God. They had, like, a brass band playing.

And, you know, Paula Yates, Gabby Roslin was there. I had to, like, lie to their face. Oh, wow. But the clip's on YouTube. And then right at the last minute, because, like, my mum was, like, squeezing my hand on telly so tight. And then right at the last minute, she said, I did give her a bit of help with it.

Oh. That is amazing. Oh my God. Well, I'm definitely reading the book if it's full of stuff like that. Your life's a walk in. Anyway,

Lucy, thank you so much for coming on. It's been an absolute pleasure, as always. See you soon, Lucy. Thanks so much. Thanks,

Lucy. Drinking Cust drinking custard diary of a confused mother cheers lucy bye lucy beaumont there um josh i know for a fact that everything she said there was true and that's how chaotic her life is how is is Lucy Beaumont not like on every episode of What I Lie To You? Yeah. It's absolutely amazing. It's unbelievable. Her story, the thing she, like, there's certain people you imagine,

like comedians will tell stories like that. You think, oh, they must be punching Alpaville. That probably can't be fully true. I know for a fact, I can literally picture John sitting there in the car watching her walk past with a kid that's not even hers I get it if she went in like because plausibly she went back in and her kids saw her again and got upset and Lucy was like oh god I'm here now so I'll stay for an hour that's that's something that's happened but you don't just start holding hands with another child wow it's amazing isn't it

what a life thank you to Lucy it's uh pleasure to have her back it feels it's kind of a weird marker isn't it it feels like the first time we talked to her i know this was a different i know it was a different time but it feels so different do you know what i mean yeah and stuff with the kids in school and things like that but bless yeah it's true though you need them to be taken by the government at like 80 months not not five. They're fine now. That's yelp. Mine did the washing up the other day. Really? Why are you taking them now?

Yeah, they love washing up. They do a washing up factory. But we've got a dishwasher anyway, so it's sort of pointless. Put the word factory on it. Kids are involved, right? Ice cream factory. You're going to, what is this? It's an asbestos factory.

Happy now, kids. See you on Tuesday, Josh. See you on Tuesday, Josh. See you on Tuesday. Hello, I'm John Richardson, and I'm here to tell you about the Comedians Playing Fantasy Premier League podcast. I'm Matt Ford, and I'm here to tell you that although our podcast is about Fantasy Premier League,

it's not just for saddos, losers and virgins. Yeah, it's for cool people like us and you. You're listening to this, so you must be cool. Each week we follow the highs and lows of the fantasy football teams of some of the country's funniest people. The great thing is you don't really need to be into fantasy Premier League or even football to enjoy it. That's because each week Matt and I compete with each other,

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