Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP25: We're getting a dog, Josh!

Episode Date: October 5, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP25: We're getting a dog, Josh! More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The clicker around the room! You guys just about finished?

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicam. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping.

Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing you're right fucking hell mate that'll take ages sorry yeah i got my phone charged as well bloody hell you alright yeah I've just got to go to last leg in a fucking bit as well and I'm packed because I've got to go to Aberystwyth

from the last leg let's save it should we just I wonder actually I think we should just start the show with the I think we should

have started it with the recording we don't even need to do the normal intro this is it this is the show now. Oh, I was going to say, because we've not done loads of... We have been talking about parenting and stuff,

but we've been talking about work quite a lot, because as a comedian, I'd say September through to November time is the busiest period of the year. Yeah, like Santa's elves, mate. Genuinely. I'm just fucking... All I do is work in autumn. But it's... Right, Do we want to do the

little intro or not? We'll come back to it when I've vented. Okay. Josh, how's your week been? It's all right, Rob. It's been all right. What's happened? How's babies? How's children? You'll know that I had 11 minutes to myself on Wednesday. Well, yeah, I got a very excited text message from you, Josh, on Wednesday. And I thought, wow, this is the turning point. And Josh is going to be like full of beans for the rest of... Get his life back. Yeah, you text me.

You text me on Wednesday. Very excited message. You won't believe this. This is 2.57. You won't believe this. This is 2.57. You won't believe this. Daughter at nursery, baby asleep, no work in the diary. I think this is the first free time in six months where you had nothing to do.

Nothing to do. And you were right. You replied, you feel rudderless. You suddenly don't know what you do. What is it? What do I do? I don't know what it is. What is it? What do I do? I don't know what it is. What do I do when I want to enjoy myself?

And as we were having this discussion, you text me 11 minutes later, he's woken up anyway. Yeah. It's a fucking write-off, mate. So you had 11 minutes to yourself? 11 minutes. What did you do?

I watched 11 minutes of a documentary about the... You love documentaries. I love it. It's all I've got. That's who you are. The documentary guy. Yeah, about drugs and sprinting in the late 80s. Drugs and sprinting. So, like, what, performance enhancing or party drugs? Ben Johnson at the Seoul Olympics getting banned.

Carl Lewis. Yep. I watched 11 minutes of that documentary. How was it? Was that all right? Carl Lewis is a piece of work. I'll tell you that for free. He's got that mentality, a bit like Michael Jordan in The Last Dance, that kind of sociopath athlete mentality.

Yep, sociopath alpha. Yeah, sociopath alpha. Okay, fair enough. Like Romesh. Yeah, sociopath alpha. Okay, fair enough. Like Romesh. Anyway, shall we start the episode? Romesh. Romesh is the least alpha person

I've ever met. He's so chill. Imagine if he was a drug cheat. Imagine if he was just... Is this how he's so good? How he does 16 TV shows because he's on Drace Boosting. We need to start testing him.

There's no way he can keep that workload up and not lose his head. We're falling apart. We work at a quarter of his work rate. I'm going to text him and say you do realise

there's random testing on the weakest link and he'll absolutely panic. So. Yeah. I've got no parenting to report Rob. Actually I've got

little bits. I've got little bits. Okay. Because you've been working a lot then to get a tour. I heard your tour show, you've been touring and you... Yeah, it's fine, isn't it?

I mean, it's... Are they really pissed? I found my crowd really pissed. No, they're fine. Yeah, but Rob, you've got different crowds into the Euros, mate. Yeah, I know.

It has shifted. Fucking on beds now. How many bucket hats? What percentage of your audience are in bucket hats these days? There was quite a lot at the start when it was summertime now but the moment has gone now for the bucket how you still get the odd one which is always well received but um when i was gigging straight after the euros it was bucket hat central mate yeah i bet it was non-stop um i was going to say there was such a boring thing to say now now come on

it's not stopped us before i was gonna going to say it was like Spike Island, and then I thought Rob's not going to be. I know. The Stone Roses gig. I thought you'd call me a stiff neck for that kind of reference, Rob. No, that's not a stiff neck reference. That's a popular culture reference. That's quite cool for you, isn't it?

Spike Island. I mean, that is genuinely the most offensive thing you've ever said. What are they? The phrase, it's quite cool, dot, dot, dot, for you. It's an absolute hammer blow. Josh, you're watching documentaries about 80s drug cheats. That's cool, Rob. Is it?

Look, you think it's cool because it's 80s, but it's the equivalent when we were growing up of people watching documentaries of, like, the 1930s Olympics. Anyway, so what's your parenting, Siach? What's happening? Death's a big thing, Rob. Death? Yeah. Oh, so what's your parenting sitch? What's happening? Death's a big thing, Rob. Death? Yeah.

Oh, oh God. They're all finding out about death at nursery. Oh, they're finding out about, oh my God. What are they finding out? Well, there's lots of discussion of what death is. Not first hand. There's not been a terrible accident, has there? There's not.

No, no. It's all been fine. Yeah. But one of the girls' mums texted me and said, have you discussed death with your daughter yet? Oh, God. And I said, no, I've not really discussed it, but it's big news with another of the girls at nursery because I've spoken to her dad.

Oh, God. Oh, no. She said, yeah, we've had a lot of questions in the past few weeks. Today she asked me if we come alive again after we die because apparently, according to this text, apparently my daughter, as in Mick, my daughter, Josh's daughter, clarified to her daughter that you go to the North Pole with Father Christmas,

lie in the snow, melt, and then come back to life. I don't think I'd want to do that. That would be really horrible and cold. Yeah, it does. I'd go somewhere hot. To be honest, Rob, at the moment, death does sound quite appealing to me. But that's...

To be honest, Rob, at the moment, death does sound quite appealing to me. But that's... It'd just be nice to have a light down for a bit, wouldn't it, George? Just a bit of me time. Do you know what I mean? You've had 11 minutes this week. So are you still getting up at like 5.30 with the baby and then cracking on with your day? No, we've had a breakthrough.

We've had a breakthrough, Rob. Oh, talk to me about the breakthrough. We've had a breakthrough. We've had a breakthrough, Rob. Oh, talk to me about the breakthrough. We've had a bloody breakthrough. So when I was away doing a gig or something, it must have been a gig, I can't even remember why it was. It was like a week ago. I just, I don't even remember. Like my agent texted me and said,

this is what my mind's like at the moment. She was like, oh, that interview you did with the Times or the telegraph or something like you know one of those q a things that they do yeah she was like oh yeah it was she was like oh i really enjoyed that it was good and i was like i have no memory of doing this i literally don't believe that i've done this i don't remember saying any of these things when did you talk to them well i don't know but I think it must have been about two weeks ago.

I found it really hard balancing driving and travelling all around the country to these gigs and still getting up in the morning with the kids and all that. I'm finding it really tiring.

And also, an extra level of pressure is when you've got to drive to Sheffield, like I've got to do tonight, getting fucking petrol. Oh, mate. It's just an extra level of stress. You could do tonight, getting fucking petrol. Oh, mate. It's just an extra level of stress.

You could just either miss the show or not get home. Oh, Rob, what are you going to do? Get a train. Yeah, get a train. I was going to say. That's what I've done. I'm going to get a train to get there, and then we're driving.

The tour manager's meeting me up there, and then we're driving to Halifax. You hope he bloody is. Well, I hope so, anyway. If not, though, I can get to Halifax on my own from another train. Just do the whole thing on the train. I just didn't want to risk missing the first one. Anyway, sorry, you were saying you've had a breakthrough.

What's your breakthrough? So, he's still waking up at 5am on the dot. Okay. Yeah. Okay, I'm really struggling to see the breakthrough. I feel like, you know when you have an appraisal with your boss, and you... Oh, it's been going great, the sales.

Yeah, don't worry. They're the same as they were, minus, but we've had a breakthrough. No, no, no, no. But because I was away, Rose just let him lie on the bed and fall back to sleep and it took half an hour. So you just sort of left him and he went back to sleep? He went back to sleep and then he slept till late. I love experimental parenting.

Sometimes you've got to adapt, adapt or die. Exactly, Rob. She just freestyled that and it worked. I bet she was so happy. So he's got cushions to pen him in.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So he's on the bed from five till kind of eight, right? Yeah. From 5.30 till eight. Oh, so she gets him out of the car? Well, she gets him out of the car

to feed him because that's why he wakes up at five. Right, okay, yep. And then she puts till 8. Oh, so she gets him out of the cot? Well, she gets him out of the cot to feed him because that's why he wakes up at 5. Right, okay, yep. And then she puts him down. Back in the cot? No,

no, on the bed. On the bed with cushions around, yep. Yeah, yeah. And then he goes to sleep there. So then I get back the next night.

So she can even just be getting up, getting dressed, and having a shower and stuff and he's asleep till 8. That is, that is, oh my God. Wow,

she just slept. All right, yeah, you will do that. No, no, no, it's a magical time, isn't it, Josh? It's a magical time, my God. Wow, she just slept. All right, yeah, you will do that. Yeah, fair enough. No, no, no, it's a magical time, isn't it, Josh? It's a magical time, pop down. It's her loss if she wants to miss out on that beautiful time when the sun's coming up.

Oh, that is a breakthrough. And then what time does your daughter get up? She's been getting up about 7.30. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That is good. Not all good, not all good. Okay, what? So I get back the next 7.30. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That is good. Not all good. Not all good. Okay, what?

So I get back the next night. Okay. He's got my side of the bed from 5am, Rob. I'm turfed out. Okay, so where'd you go? So I went and slept on the floor

on a futon. In his nursery. So it's not all roses. It's not all roses, no. I wouldn't say to break foods a It's not all roses, no. I wouldn't say to break foods a full family affair. No, no. No.

But Rose is like, oh, you can sleep on this bed. There's not room for me. And I'm too panicked about like rolling over. I've just not got the mentality for it. Yeah, you haven't got

the mentality. You're not a big game player like that. You can't deal with it. I can't man mark a baby. You're not a big game player. You did the Roy Ke the roy keen there roy keen would have slept silently in one place all night exactly but i was like i can't do this so basically the breakthrough now is at 5am i go into a different room okay it's the little things that help isn't it exactly but i feel like we're going in the

right direction what what, separate rooms? It was inevitable at one day. It's quicker than I thought, but it was inevitable. You know what? I love Lou, and I love sharing a bed with Lou, but I think if it was socially acceptable and people didn't think your marriage was falling apart, your own bed does sound nice if you've got the space, doesn't it? Mate, I'm not going to lie.

It was glorious. Had a podcast on to lull me to sleep. Straight back to sleep. Which one? Or is it too harsh to say? No, it was Guardian Football Weekly, the Guardian Football podcast. Yeah, okay.

Straight out, wake up, they're talking about the Caribou Cup, straight back out again. Absolutely lovely stuff. Isn't it Caribou? Is it Caribou? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, no, it's Caribou, isn't it? Caribou's a band, yeah. Caribou. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, no, it's Carabow, isn't it?

Caribou's a band, yeah. Caribou. Oh, that's good then. That's good news. Yeah, so that's positive parenting. Move forward. But you've got a busy day today. So it's Friday.

So you've seen a bit of the baby this morning. Yes. Got your daughter off to preschool. Yes, yeah. Saw the baby this morning. Got my daughter off to nursery. And then went on the exercise bike. Oh, Josh!

For 20 mins. Okay, panic attack or just flew through? No, fine. Lovely, well done. Protein shake. Protein shake, my man. Go on, Joshy. Protein shake, yeah.

Oh, man's getting hench in that, yeah? Man's getting hench with the protein. Look, mate. Deal with it Oh my god I can't wait until your last leg Just absolutely fucking loaded up in the shoulders and legs I'm wearing a vest tonight on the show

Do you think that's a mistake? No I think it's great I think you should You're sleeping on the spare bedroom floor You're wearing a vest And you're having protein shakes It sounds great Oh god I'm having a midlife crisis

Fucking hell I've just realised I'm having a midlife crisis. Fucking hell. I've just realised I'm having a midlife crisis. And then shower, pack, to go to Aberystwyth via the last leg. That's a pun. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time?

Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win

with the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. I'd say that's one of the worst journeys in a comedian's career of driving. Because you basically drive to Liverpool from London for you, which takes, what, a few hours? Oh, well, no. Do you know what? We're going to drive because it's 11pm.

I'm going to drive to Birmingham, stay over and then get the train across. Okay, that is still horrible, isn't it though? So you're leaving 11pm from London, driving to Birmingham,

crashing in a hotel and then you're getting... Oh, no, you're like this, Rob. Get up. Do an interview on Radio 4 about the fucking book. What time's that? 9.30 till 11.

Hour and a half. Fuck off. What are you doing? Reading it all out? Genuinely, 11. Hour and a half. Fuck off. What are you doing, reading it all out? Genuinely, mate, that took me by surprise as well. An hour and a half. They're on the train to Aberystwyth. Yeah. And I don't want...

You know, Rob, you know I'm a stiff neck. Yeah. So I don't mind admitting this, Rob. Yeah. Can you imagine how much my heart sank when I booked the train ticket? Yeah. There's no first class, Rob.orist to birmingham train yeah it's a two carriage classic isn't it like fucking thomas the tank engine it's one of those trains where nobody's actually going from

birmingham to aborist with no it's just that people get on for one or two stops yeah but you're on there for the long haul. Yeah. And it goes into a station and comes out backwards at one point. Yeah, exactly. The whole thing. And there's a buffet cart that will go down once in the three hours. More hours than carriages. And it's like a commuter train that you're normally on for 15 minutes, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly. It's like the bus I'd get with my daughter to nursery if I decided to get that to Bristol. And my little trick for Aberystwyth, train to Crewe takes about an hour. It doesn't take very long. And then from Crewe, you drive over. That's my little trick for North Wales.

If you ever go in there at midnight. Yeah, but I just, in a way, I'm quite excited about the train on my own because that is three hours to myself. Add that to the 11 minutes. Yeah, and what time's your train? It's at half 12. Half 12, that's not too bad.

Yeah, because it's three hours, get there at three. Yeah, so you're getting a bit of a line there. You can wake up at 9.25. Yeah. On Radio 4. Also, to stop me having to do radio interviews, I've put on a book event, Josh.

Oh, yeah? Where? Can I just say this? In Bromley, Bromley Churchill, near my house, 17th of October on a Sunday, where I get interviewed about the book for an hour, and then I'm going to go in the foyer and sign all the books and say hello to everyone. So if you want to come, Parenting Hell people,

I'll be there. It's only 15 quid, so it's cheaper than it, because it's not a tour show. Chat about the book and then you can bring your book who's interviewing you? Emily Dean from

oh nice she's got a great podcast as well Walking the Dog with Emily Dean and yeah she's interviewing me from 8 till 9 then 9 I'm going to be in the foyer bring your books

you've already bought or you can buy books there and I'll sign them and say hello and there's probably a Q&A a little bit in the event and if you want to ask questions

about the podcast and not the book, I don't mind. That's not on the official publication but if you've got a couple of questions about that... They can ask the questions. As long as they buy the book, they can ask what the fuck they want. Exactly, yeah.

So, yeah, come down, please, because I don't even know how many tickets that sold because it's a bit new for me, a book event, isn't it? I'm not really the book guy. So, yeah, come down. That would be helpful if we sell some tickets for that. Yeah, do come. Do go.

I'll be honest with you, Rob. Here's a little tip. Yeah? I've been selling them at tour shows. Oh, can you do that? Yeah. Just a local bookshop will go in the foyer and do it for you. Just sign them all.

Oh, okay. Well, I might do that. That's not been organised, I don't think. It might have. I don't know. My book's not out yet. We'll find out, won't we? You'll find out.

And we've got an event ourselves, haven't we? But we need to keep that under our hats. Oh, yes, that. I think that might be happening. Let's keep that quiet until it's confirmed. Yeah, that'll be fun. Yeah. Can I tell you my one last bit of parenting?

Yes. And then I've got nothing left to offer. All right, okay, because I've got a few bits I want to get off my chest. Good, good. Because I'm sorry, I'm empty this week. Well, it sounds like, Josh, you're not the only one having the death chat with their kids. This has been Instagrammed in, which is...

I'm really proud of myself for remembering this and weaving it into the show like this. Oh, mate, it's slick as fuck, this podcast. Oh, it's slicker than a buttered otter. Exactly. Now, here we go. Is that a phrase? That's one my... Well, phil kerr invented when i do

steps go dating phil kerr funny writer he puts those jokes in and then when i do it i put those jokes in and slicker than a butter dotter was his you just said it off the bat and i was like fucking hell beck it's good isn't it yeah that's why i pretend it's just slick and you know it's all a fucking big operation in my nut mate there's loads going on is it true during the podcast you've got ten writers behind you pitching ideas? Yeah, they're all behind me just peppering me stuff. I'm just really good at sitting under the post-it note. No, it is a good turn of phrase, though. But I've got to give big Philly Kerr the credit there.

Very funny man. He was working on Last Leg yesterday. Yeah, he's a brilliant writer. Yeah, so he gets the Slaps Go Dating, because the Slaps Go Dating script comes in and it's all quite like they go here, they go there. He puts it all sort of in my work. He's a working class geezer from Essex.

He's very funny. But he puts it all in my words and turn of phrases and then I add the jokes as I do it. So it's a good little system we've got there with old Philly Kerr. Do you want me to tell you a quick story about Phil Kerr? Yeah. It's not about him, it's about me. I come out of this badly.

Okay. You might know that I failed to get on Tipping Point twice. Oh, no. Once because I had my appendix out the day before. Yeah. And then once because... You wasn't famous enough? Unbelievable.

Sorry, I actually felt the knife going in then. I was thinking, how long can I leave this silent? Oh, God, it was really awkward. Oh, no. It felt like Badil and Newman towards the end, didn't it? Could you feel that? Oh, no. Sorry, Josh.

So, first one, I'm going on Tipping Point. Yeah. And appendix out. And I really want to go on Tipping Point. Ben Shepard, absolute legend, by the way. Really nice guy. Lovely, lovely guy. Second one.

From Essex. Did you know that? Mate, everyone, not everyone's from Essex, Sean. He is, actually, because he's a West Ham fan. Lovely, lovely guy. Second one. From Essex. Did you know that? Mate, everyone, not everyone's from Essex, surely. He is, actually, because he's a West Ham fan. Yeah, he's from Essex, but I think he got on telly before he was allowed to have an accent on telly. So he got that sort of bit posh accent, didn't he? He's very nice.

He's very nice. Lovely bloke. Powerful man. Ripped, shredded. Andy Peters level of buff. Oh, exactly. If he did the jungle, that shower scene, oh, my God. Can you imagine it? powerful man ripped shredded Andy Peters level of buff oh exactly he's got if he did the jungle

that shower scene oh my god can you imagine it what how is that now an image in my head what the shepherd the shepherd

lathering up under a waterfall yeah as Jeff Brazier and Chico giggle next to him anyway yeah

so I can't do it a second time because I have to lock down for seven days before a different TV record. So it gets cancelled for a second time. Then I get offered it for a third time. Okay. And the only time they can do is a morning of a last leg meeting.

Oh, yeah. So I just tell production that I've got a doctor's appointment. So you lie into last leg? I lie to's appointment. So you're lying to last leg? I lied to last leg. So you could do tipping point? So I could do tipping point for the third time.

Go down, do tipping point. That's in Bristol, isn't it? Yeah, it's in Bristol. Go down, do tipping. It's only an hour long meeting on the Thursday that I miss, right? Oh, so that you could do a whole record then come back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do tipping point. I can't give you the answer but let's be honest. Louise Minchin can barely look me in the eye after the way i destroyed her right anyway can't tell you the result it's not been on yeah but anyway um phil kerr's there because he's writing on it what tipping point yeah ben shepard good the kill kerman cool fair enough yeah i don't i don't know he's very good to phil i love yeah he's very good get back it's the perfect crime you've come back you've done tipping point you've missed the meeting yes next day friday going to

last leg everyone arrives who the fuck's sitting across the table it's fucking phil kerr oh no the alibi what does he say what does he do i texted brooker because he was writing with brooker that day i text him i said full, I skived off to do Tipping Point yesterday. Could you tell Phil Kerr not to tell anyone? Oh, so Brooker knew. And he kept my secret until now. Did he? He did.

Kerr, you legend. Shall I ring him and say, has Josh ever done Tipping Point? All right, so this is a story about death from the schools, right? Sorry. No, that was great. Great little veer off in another direction. Stuff your kid says. just listen to the podcast and i love it you're getting me through work at the moment when we were away the other week my husband and i were watching cruella with our three-year-old snuggled up in bed having a lovely family moment there's a bit of mild disney

peril and dead parent as per that really made me, yeah, you can't shuffle through it without a bit of dead parent, can you? At this point, our daughter says, I don't mind if one of you dies because I'll still have a spare one. Oh, wow. Good to hear she'll be fine. Thanks, Jamie. Oh, wow.

Brutal. That is amazing. Because when I was a kid, I was petrified of my parents dying. Yes, I think that is a thing. I was a kid I was petrified of my parents dying yes I think that is a thing I was I was as well and a bit more so because my old dad

was an older dad yeah you know that's a thing because my dad's 76 and I'm only 35 so he was like 40 odd yeah

when he had me and it was a little bit in the back of my mind and he's still knocking about he's like yeah exactly nothing to worry about nothing to bloody worry about

it's a classic anxiety worrying about stuff that's not happened about. It's a classic anxiety. Worrying about stuff that's not happened. Exactly. Right. How's your week been? Well, the week, very excitingly, I've booked tickets in half turn to take the kids to see Mamma Mia. What?

The ABBA play? Yeah. The musical theatre show. Oh, wow. They love Mamma Mia. Do they? And obsessed with Mamma Mia. And what's the age range of Mamma Mia?

I've never seen Mamma Mia, so I... Isn't it about a wedding in Greece? Yeah, it is, and I'm taking a three-year-old. Well, I can't hear you. Where have you gone? Sorry, I was just laughing away from the camera. The camera? The camera. Fucking hell.

God, I'm tired. The old camera. The old microphone camera. Yeah, I'm tired. The old camera. The old microphone camera. Yeah, I don't know what the... But I'm a bit worried because they sing out loud. I think they'll enjoy it. If I was at Mamma Mia... Yeah.

And a three-year-old sat next to me, I'd be like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. No, but so she's actually quite good. Because we told them you have to be quiet and they do shush. You mustn't talk. But they're a little bit to the point where they're like a little bit too into that

where they will just tell other people to shush but then their shushing is actually louder than anyone having a slight conversation is Mamma Mia a bit of a party vibe

I've not been have you been already it's very I went once years ago it's a bit like mum's girls night out so girls my mum would be like

get the girls together the girls and there's five of them combined age of 296 definitely women mum you're 67 the girls together, the girls, and there's five of them combined age of 296. Definitely women. Mum, you're 67. You've got to be a woman at some point, mum.

Or the girls. But he says, we recommend Mamma Mia for five plus as an advisory to adults who might bring young people. Children under three will not be admitted.

So she'll be, when we go, she'll just nearly be four and I think that'll be fine. And she's been before. She went and saw Lion King. She was all good. And it's a matinee in half term. If you've got a problem and you're an adult on your own go

fuck yourself and go also what kind of lunatics go in half term yeah exactly sorry i'm getting angry already you're getting angry at a hypothetical weird bloke on his own at mamma mia what are you doing here you nonce fuck off till next week oh billy no mates turns up after him on his own yeah likely story you fucking pedo get out you mug mama mia here we go again and who's in it are people in it or is it just like yeah i think that'd be a bit weird if they just if it was just you know the greek setting and just a cd played i think there's humans doing it but there's no there's no stars that no it's not like chicago's chicago's stars that... No, it's not like Chicago's. Chicago's one of those ones where it's like,

always like Denise Van Outen or someone. Kate Lawler or someone, won't it? Yeah. That's such a good shout. Melanie Sykes. But yeah, so I'm very excited about that. The kids are absolutely ecstatic. That'll be fun.

So that's fun. Are you thinking about going to Frozen? It's six plus. Oh. I don't know what to Frozen? It's six plus. Oh. I don't know what to do about it. I think maybe we might wait for, if it's six plus, I might wait for a bit then.

Yeah. It'll be there forever, won't it? But I think they're all right. It's just, as long as you tell them to be, as long as they're well behaved, you know,

like I just say, you've got to be, because if they sit there quietly, and if you buy an aisle, you can nip out, but it's very expensive for them to not enjoy it. That's the thing.

So I would wait until they, because we took Eldest to go and see Mary Poppins when she was about four and she loved it and then when you've got the older one the younger one sort of follows their lead slightly i found anyway but i'd wait proper probably yeah until they're a bit older four months is a bit young isn't it yeah yeah exactly yeah if there's a little little wake up he's not gonna get much out of it we went to me and rose went to matilda before we had kids yeah that's a good one yeah it was good but it was quite weird because it was all parents except us yeah that's fine you and your own no yeah no no of course no i think you're like that

i'm not saying you can't go and watch a theater show on your own i've seen loads of shows on my own i went to new york on my own uh for some work stuff and i went and saw loads of things man yeah what's the comedy cellar my own some theater shows lou New York on my own for some work stuff and I went and saw loads of things. Did you? Yeah, I went to Comedy Cell on my own, some theatre shows. Lou goes to Hamilton on her own. There's nothing wrong

with going on your own. Oh no. However, if you do go on your own and you tell children to shut up in half term on the matinee, you've got serious problems. Just go Tuesday evening

next week. Come on, mate. Yeah. But yeah, I actually enjoy going to the theatre on my own. I find sometimes having to go with someone, the chat's quite annoying.

Yeah. Do you know what I quite like? Have you ever been to the football on your own? I find sometimes having to go with someone, the chat's quite annoying. Yeah. Do you know what I quite like? Have you ever been to the football on your own? That's actually quite pleasant as well, Rob. Is it? I don't know, because then other people might want to talk to me. Where, like, at the theatre, no one talks, do they? No.

I hate a new friend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, holiday friends. And you're on the plane with you. I'm not interested in that, yeah. I'm not interested. Come on, mate. I've got my own mates I don't like.

I don't need new ones. Do you know, going to see a band on your own is not bad either. It's not bad either. Well, I think, yeah, I think there's certain things that are right. You can get chatting to people about the music and whatever it is you're doing. Do you know what? I don't mind just texting on my own in the breaks, Rob. No, it's quite nice.

Bit of time, just me and my fucking phone. Yes, please. Headphones in, bit of podcast halfway through. Pop on, Ellis and John. 20 winks. The other thing that's doing my nut in as well, Josh, is emails from the school. Oh.

The emails we get, I tell you, I get about five a day, and they all say important at the top. There's no way they're all important. No. No offence to the you know the the christmas or the harvest festival thing where we've got to bring a tin of something i don't think that's important three weeks out no that i've got you know i mean i think that i don't think that the level of importance of oh there's a christmas party happening you might want to bring something in two months you're like mate let me get through halloween oh halloween are you going trick or

treating no well no we're not actually but but I think Lou's friends having a party that the kids are going to in the day because we might be doing something in the day, mightn't we? Eh? Yeah. A little thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Having sex for the first time. First? Come on, Josh. But yeah, I don't know if it's just my kids' school or if it's a thing. Is anyone else getting too many emails? I'd like to know if i'm just being moany or you know and i find there's so many i can't read them all do you know the email

i can never believe is when you get one i don't know if you get these at school maybe it's a bit late nursery you'll get an email about someone's lost item yeah and you're like fucking write that off mate who's complaining about a lost sock? Have a word with yourself. You just have to file it under idiot tax. That sock's gone. I'd say the rule should be, if you're taking it to nursery, it's fair game. Yeah. Do you know?

Yeah. Yeah. In your mind, you've got to write off everything that goes to nursery. I'm happy to get my own child back. If they're naked or in someone else's clothes, that is fine. Exactly. As long as it's mine and not bleeding,

thank you very much. See you tomorrow. But sorry, guys. Someone's lost their Blue Peter badge. Come on, have a word with yourself. Josh, I'm a busy guy.

I can't deal with that email. Yeah, so the emails, I don't know if anyone else is getting that, but it's still my head in and I can't keep up. Do you reply? Are they reply ones?

Are they just like... No, not all of them. Parents' evening as well. He's fucking on Zoom again. Why? But apparently cases are rising in the school, so they don't want to be... I'm like, fuck off, mate.

You just want an early night. Parents' evening on Zoom. What time's parents' evening? You only get 10 minutes. That's not long enough, I don't think. Do you? I've never been to a parents' evening. Well, yeah, don't we do it in nursery

they start doing it in primary schools it's not as it's more involved obviously in secondary but primary but I think in their defence you don't really need long

because ultimately if there's something not right they'll let you know but it's sort of like oh yeah she's doing this she's doing that blah blah blah but 10 minutes

and you have to time her on the corner it's so stressful and then you don't have any time for questions I think 15 minutes should be min you know what I mean 15 minutes should be min.

Yeah. You know what I mean? 10 minutes is nothing. Because they just talk at you. They might as well do a video recording. Just do a voice note. Send it over. I know.

I do have some other big news, Josh. I need to tell you. It's good. It's good news. There's going to be a new arrival in the Beckett family. No way. Yes way. We're getting a dog.

Oh my fucking God. Oh my God. Did you think it was a baby? She're getting a dog. Oh my fucking God. Oh my God. Do you think it was a baby? She's broken. No. Do you know what, Rob? For a moment, my heart skipped a beat. And you just thought, oh, great content.

And then I thought, he's not, he's not, he's not. And then I thought, if it's any smaller than a dog, this is rubbish. Yeah, it's got to be dog minimum. If this is hamster, I'm getting this bit edited out. It's not good enough. It's got to be minimum dog. It's got to be minimum dog. Look at the dog, Josh.

I can't believe she's broken you. What did it take? Four months? Look, I was quite keen for a dog. Do you know what, Rob? The person that's reluctant to the dog is always the one that ends up loving the dog the most. You're going to be a dog bore. I know. I think I am going to be a dog.

Do you want to see the dog? Have you got it already? A picture of the dog? So listen to my thinking, yeah? We always wanted a dog. I mean, it's really nice to have a dog in the family for the kids, right? And it's like a good thing for them to have and something to look after and things like that.

And we was always like, oh, no, but when they're a bit older when they're a bit older or when i'm not so busy when i'm not so busy or when we've moved away and i thought there's always going to be a reason why you put it off and yeah but and then by chance well literally by chance my one of my mates he's got loads of dogs and he's um he's got about three or four dogs and he had a whippet and then they think they rescued another whippet and they thought the Whippet was like they'd been castrated or whatever it's called for both of them but they both weren't and they ended up calling the rescue Whippet the boy one chance

because it got Winnie, the girl the mum one pregnant so it was pregnant by chance so it was a bit of an accident so they're not like puppy breeders or anything like that so it was a bit of an accident and they've got these eight puppies and they're so cute oh here we go he He sent it over. He sent it over.

So they live around the corner. You've just sent me 15 photos of it, Rob. Yeah, I know, but I just forwarded it on from Lou. Oh, my God. Look at that tiny little bastard. Oh, my God. He's cute, isn't he? He is too much, isn't he?

So he's like... And look how Lou loves it so much. And how big is he going to get? Whippets get up to about your knee, but they're really, they're quite, they're quite big, but really skinny. I'll send you a photo of the mum. So you know what they look like when they're finished. The mum and dad around the corner and like the dog.

So she will like, you get to see both parents, which is quite important with a dog to see the parents of the dog. And then it's my mate. And he was like, well, whenever you can drop him around when you like go on holiday and things like that because we quite yeah it'd be quite nice for the mum to have the dog together and they love dogs and they can help us and give us advice and teach us how to do it and actually whip it's a really good like really easy sort of first dogs because they're quite um

they're quite they don't they don't need much walking it's like one walk in the morning oh lovely and that's the mum it's a they pretty little dog. Oh, that's going to be nice. And I tell you what, I've already googled flat cat whippets, so I tell you what's coming your way at Christmas. Oh no, Jimmy Chippalatta! Jimmy Chippalatta, mate. Do they do ones for whippets? Well, I'm going to have to direct

message Jimmy Chippalatta and say, could you do a... We've done you a lot of favours. Could you do a one-off reign for whippets, please? Well, have you seen... They do, like, football hooligan clothes for whippets. Have you seen this? Have they?

What? Like Stone Island? Yeah, I'll show you. Look. Look at this one. Look at this whippet in a... Oh, my word. In a yellow anorak.

Do you know what, Robbie? It doesn't look a million miles from Spike Island, one of the coolest references I've ever made. I know. But, yeah, so we're all very excited. We get the dog in November and we might be moving house next year, so we're all very excited. We get the dog in November, and we might be moving house next year, so I thought it would be good to get the dog in a house that we don't mind that it roughs up a little bit, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just knock Underground off the value of the house. Actually, no, actually, we're not getting it. It won't be in the house. The house will be absolutely fine if we do sell the house. Don't you worry about the old dog in the house. But, yeah, we're really excited, But I think it's a good decision. And we can't wait, to be honest.

And Lou's not going back to work. So we'll be at home with the dog and stuff. But yeah, we're getting a little dog. A little family dog dog. How do you feel? I'm excited about it. But I said to Lou, I was like... When does he move in?

Beginning of middle of November, I think. I think it's actually five at night, which is quite a stressful move day for a dog. Oh, my word. The worst day for the dog. Oh, fucker. We we've bought this dog he's a fucking mess this dog just like welcome to your new home fucking kathryn will up his ass yeah so that's the news in our family we're getting a dog so we i've now i've got i've got i've got a dog i'm getting a dog i've got a dog i'm still a bit surprised oh my word you i mean you i i'd say saying the sentence six times in a row is a strange sign and i keep going it doesn't need much walking because actually you

just walk them for 45 minutes in the morning and they they're fast they're very fast 35 miles an hour but they don't have much stamina so they will be tired um and stuff so i think they're a good dog for a family i've i heard. If anyone's got any whippet advice, please let me know. I think this might actually crash Michael's emails because the one thing

I've realised about people with dogs, people love talking about their dogs. Yes. But yeah, so we're getting a dog, Josh. But I'm sure that might

bring its own problems for me to discuss on it. Because I'm being a parent, it is parenting still, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I'd be slightly annoyed if for the next year

we just talk about your dog rather than your children but um but is this almost like the show is developing now it's becoming like blue peter we talk about kids we've got a resident dog getting an elephant um but yeah so we're very excited about the old whip it that's good rob i'm excited and it's good content do you want the name of the dog are you going to give the real name or you're worried about it's identity it's identity going forward you're worried it'll hate you when you it grows up well i do i need to think about that because i might just give out the girls names but i don't know if i should anyway i mean looney to talk about that um as they get older um the dog is

called um the full name is freddie yeah glitter Glitter Rock Twinkle Star Beckett. Oh, wow. So your daughters didn't get a say in it. Yeah, they chose Freddie. They're a huge fan of Lungberg. Yeah, exactly. They just love the Invincibles. But yeah, Fred, I think Fred's quite good when you're sort of telling it,

just do not do something, one syllable thing. I like a dog with a person's name. Yeah, Freddie's little freddie the dog um we'll stick those pictures up on instagram so you can have a little look and stuff but uh yeah no we're very excited in the beckett house that is good do you want one email yes and then we do small business shout out yes great idea i'll i've got one quick instagram so one email one instagram sbs small business sbs sbs hi rob josh freddy i'm a little late to this podcast and have only just listened to the grey trunk episode with rob's daughter i cried with laughter at this it reminded me of when my daughter was two years old whenever we sat down to watch a movie i would give her a little handful of popcorn as a treat

one day as we were settling down on the sofa to decide on a movie to watch i turned to her to ask what she would like to watch when my little blonde haired angel who could barely enunciate most words replied cock porn mummy i looked at her with utter shock and dismay and she repeated cock porn please mummy to say i was relieved when I realised she was actually asking me for popcorn could legitimately be the biggest understatement ever known. We found out when I showed her some cock porn, and she was like, not this, mummy. She was very displeased. Why are you showing me this? This is disgusting.

Cock porn feels like a teenager discovering their sexuality and not really sure how to search for gay porn. It's like, oh, I think I'm into this, but I'm trying to explore how I feel. Cock porn? What's your Instagram, Robert? Well, this one, and you'll be a fan of this, we asked for people to spot spelling mistakes in your book. Oh, yeah, fine. Spotted the first spelling error, page 18 of Josh's book.

Yeah, but they didn't say what it was, though. I think you want the spelling. I've actually got one here. Have a look at page 18. Page 18. Is it where it says in, in? Oh, do you know it already? Someone sent me one where it says in, in.

Page 18 of Josh's book. Do I get free tickets to his tour now? I'll settle for a shout-out or producer Michael reading my name in a nice way. Thanks, Rachel. Let's have producer Michael reading our name in a nice way. Say, Rachel. Let's have producer Michael reading her name in a nice way. Say thank you, Rachel. Thank you, Rachel. We really appreciate your input.

Input. Input was charged. Yeah. Unbelievable. I don't know what it is. Can you find it, Josh? Or you'll have to find it later. I can't.

I'm reading through the page and I can't find it. So maybe it's page 18, was it? That's what she reckons, yeah. I can't see it off the top of my head. No't find it. So maybe it's page 18, was it? That's what she reckons, yeah. I can't see it off the top of my head. No. No worries. Right, shall we do small business shout out? Yeah.

It's never going to be Jimmy Cipollato. That was genuinely... Well, I might need to tap him up for a coat. Because with whippets, they get cold. They actually need a coat. You're not being a wanker. No, exactly. And they don't smell.

They don't smell that much because they've got short fur. God, just convince yourself,anker. No, exactly. And they don't smell. They don't smell that much because they've got short fur. God, just convince yourself, Rob. Just convince yourself. Great PR for Jimmy Cipollata to do you a special one-off coat, isn't it? Oh, well, yeah. I mean, they owe us some money. The amount of people that shout Jimmy Cipollata at me. Here we go.

This looks bad, this one. Hi, Rob and Josh. We're a small family-run alpaca walking business. Yes. Based in Chester called Rack and Ruin Alpacas. We opened in the November before the first lockdown, and as you can imagine, our first year has been extremely difficult. We currently have 16 alpacas,

and with three of the girls pregnant, all being well, we will soon have 19. Oh. I might have an alpaca if you've got one going spare. Why not, Rob? Okay, add it to the add it to the the rest of the animals in my house be like you'll be like noah's ark you'll be like dr doolittle lou does lou does want an alpaca but we've got nowhere to put it unfortunately we've

got the garden we haven't got big enough yeah we offer alpaca walking experiences in the cheshire countryside where you lead spend time with and feed your own alpaca oh that would be lovely that would be genuinely pleasant. Love the show and it's really kept us going and given us much needed laughter and enjoyment over the past 18 months. Rob, we have just booked tickets to your tour at Storyhouse in Chester next year.

If you'd like to come and visit us and walk an alpaca while you're here, we'd love to. Oh, yes, please. I'll tell you what, guys, at the Rack and Ruin Alpacas, if I've got time, I would love to come and walk an alpaca with you.

That's very kind of you. Thank you. Hi, Rob and Josh. Small business shout out for my daughter, Charlotte Axford, who got made redundant in lockdown, started making Disney-inspired candles and wax melts. So proud of her achievements. We both love your podcast.

She is on Instagram as happilyevercandle. H-A-P-P-I-L-Y, evercandle. Thanks, proud dad guy. There we go. Very nice. Lovely guy. Guy, guy. Brilliant. H-A-P-P-I-L-Y Ever Candle Thanks Proud Dad Guy There we go Very nice Lovely Guy Guy Guy Brilliant

Well good luck with those businesses people Keep going It's always nice Starting your own thing It's quite scary Doing your own thing And I bet you found The same Josh

When you did comedy It's exposing It's brutally exposing And what I found The hardest part Was to just try And do something different To all your friends

A little bit, because what's worse than never making it is trying to and then fucking it up, isn't it? That's the worst thing, but you can't let that hold you back. And good luck and well done to all these businesses. And we've both had our share of absolutely humiliating failures. Yeah, I lost to you at the Leicester Mercury New Comedian of the Year. That was quite brutalising for me.

We've all had our setbacks, haven't we? Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. And the good news is, one day, you know, you'll go to the North Pole, melt down,

and rejuvenate as a new human being. But until then, we'll be back. We'll be back on Friday with Jessie Ware. Absolutely brilliant episode. Long episode.

She was great, wasn't she? Yeah, Jessie Ware on Friday. I do a dramatic reading of Harry and Maclary as well, so do join in. It's great. And yeah, we'll have another guest

on Friday from the world of Celeb Showbiz Life. Exactly. Don't worry, you'll, you know,

you'll like them. We did. Unless it's the one we didn't like. But we will put that out at one point, but we'll pretend we like them. See you then.

Bye. Unless it's the one we didn't like. But we will put that out at one point, but we'll pretend we like them. See you then. Bye.