Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP27: I hate my life...

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP27: I hate my life...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Josh. Josh? Who's Josh? Where are we going? What's Josh's name? The Reggae Tower.

Can't we say it louder? Josh Reggae Tower. And can you say Rob Beckett as well? Rob Beckett. And who do we like best? Josh. We like Josh best. Why do we like Josh best?

Because he's the best one to tell us beach. Oh, okay. And parks. He's the best one to tell us about beaches and parks. And rockets. And rockets. Okay. Well, thank you, Josh.

Thank you, Josh. Little stiff-necked dickhead. Oh, that Josh. He knows about beaches. Fucking pathetic. Who's that? Who's that dick? Too much?

Too much. I think that's fair. I think this is from Cassie, is the mum. Yeah. We thought you might enjoy this intro. Theo is three, and we have been really enjoying hearing you both go through the same things as us. I should explain. I don't think he really has a favourite.

Oh, okay. I'll take it back. He's listening to your podcast so often, he automatically calls any Josh, Josh Widdicombe. Oh. His new swimming teacher's called Josh, and he thinks they're the same person. Aww, that's nice. Which is ironic because I can't swim, Robert. No.

Honestly? Yeah. Why not? Because I was allergic to chlorine as a child, so I never learned. What happened? He used to give me itchy legs. He gives everyone itchy legs, your tart.

Oh, no, mate, my legs were then cut to ribbons with all the scratching. Oh, really itchy. Proper itchy. Also, can I call you a tart? Are you allowed to call someone a tart? No, I enjoyed it. I felt like I was Rodney and you were Doughboy. It's like we went back in time, you tart.

Is that allowed? Is it all right? I don't know. I'm sure we'll find out. It's fine, boy. It's like we went back in time, you tart. Is that allowed? Is it all right? I don't know. I'm sure we'll find out. It's fine, yeah. Do you know why we don't know if it's allowed? Because no one's done it in 20 years, so it's never been tested.

No one's actually heard it. It's so little used that young, woke people can't be offended by something they've never even heard of before you definitely can't call a woman a tart that's like that's bad that you can't say a tart for a woman but for for you i think you can call you i think i'll call a straight white guy a tart ah tart is an offensive word for a woman who dresses up haves in a way that suggests she wants to have sex with lots of people you look like a tart um so yeah but i think it's been in this context i'm quite i quite enjoyed it okay maybe a little aroused oh i've been flirting oh you're gonna get itchy legs after this you're dirty i can't

call you that's definitely not allowed definitely had a double shot of coffee today, Josh. Definitely. How are you, Josh? You seem quite stressed, yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, I just did the nursery run. Yeah, and we're starting half an hour late, and you also need to be finished at a certain time as well.

I don't want to say, you know, there's a diva in this double act, but it feels like it would be you at this point. Well, yeah, I'm later than, you know. You have got the youngest kid, though, so I think that's a get-out-of-jail-free card. Yeah, well, do you know what it was? It was purely... So I'm dropping my daughter off at nursery. Yep.

It's a nightmare to get taxis round in at the moment, Rob, for some reason. Wait, is it a bit of a rush on? Is it the school drop? The old taxi school rush? I don't understand what's going on. Ever since it came out of lockdown, the taxi industry has gone bad in East London. It used to be that I was in an absolute taxi hotspot because, as you know,

the main road in from Essex goes very near my house. Yes. Yep. And from South East Under. Whenever I go into town, I often drive past your little parade of shops. Oh, do you? Yes. If I'm getting a cab into town, I often drive past your little parade of shops. Oh, do you? Yes, if I'm getting a cab into town, we go up through the Blackwall Tunnel, Hooker Left, Victoria Park, Josh Whittacombe's house, London.

There we go. Yeah, don't give the specific address, but... Oh, well, Victoria Park's big, isn't it? Yeah, no, it's fine. It's fine. Totally fine. Oh, yeah, Josh lives in the house next to Victoria Park. Good luck. Go on. Come on, guys, you the house next to Victoria Park. Good luck. Go on. Come on, guys.

They're all going to know where I live now. So, no taxi. No, two of them cancelled on us. Can't you drive? Well, I'll come to that in another story, Rob. Okay. So, in the end, I had to get a taxi. Yeah.

Two cancelled. The third one, following on to get a taxi. Yeah. Two cancelled. The third one, following on my little map on my app. So do they go in a car seat then? How does it work? No, they're allowed in a black cab. So just rattle around in there if it crashes, like an egg cup in a box. Put a seatbelt on her.

All right, yeah, you square. Just give her a cigarette, put a seatbelt on her, she's fine. Oh, you can't do Ubers. Oh, that's against the rules because there's no car seat in there. I don't know. Yeah, I've just Googled it. You Googled it. Yeah.

I just Googled tarts meaning. We're all Googling, mate. Navigating our way through this crazy, messed up world. Anyway, we're watching him on my little map. Yeah. And he completely overshoots and misses the main road that runs through Victoria Park. Goes completely the other direction.

I phone him up. He's only dropping his kid off at school after taking the job, Rob. So he took the job. Took the job. Then took his kid to school. Dropped his kid to school school after taking the job, Rob. So he took the job. Took the job. Then took his kid to school. Dropped his kid to school and then came and picked me up. Is that like when you get a Deliveroo and they're dropping off someone else's pizza? Yeah, exactly.

And then they come and bring yours. But normally, you know when it's like an Uber and it's like, oh, just completing job. You can see it. But I didn't know he was going to go to a different school. Anyway. No, that's been... He can't be called free now. Free now unless I need to take my kid to school.

I'm not bloody free now. Also, yeah, I tell you what. Anyway, I know you're tired. You can't be bothered to finish banter. No, I can't be bothered to finish banter. Eventually, get there. It's all fine. I had to make him wait, though.

Normally, I'd get an Uber back if I was in a panic to save money. So you just made him wait and then got in again. Mate, you're a lifestyle. You're like one of the Ecclestons. I couldn't believe what I was in a panic, to save money. So you just made him wait and then got in again? Mate, you're a lifestyle. You're like one of the Ecclestons. I couldn't believe what I was doing. I made a taxi wait. It's a quick drop-off at that point.

Don't care if you're nervous about me going. I've got to leave you here. In the end, time is money, yeah? Oh, God. We had to get back for this, didn't you? I haven't eaten in 18 hours, Rob. Why not? Well, because... What did you have't you? I haven't eaten in 18 hours, Rob. Why not? Well, because...

What did you have for dinner? I misjudged my food yesterday. Oh, you went to the Cheltenham Book Festival? I went to the Cheltenham Book Festival. Get out! What time did you get home? Um, half twelve. Because the M4 was shut, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was. How did you do it? I come back from Bristol, mate. Oh, right. We could have shut it off. We're all working. We're all working. So what time did you get back?

I get back at 1am oh mate M4 shutting two separate jacks what is this what is this

podcast what the fuck are we doing we've got good people that listen to this and me and you are talking about

the fucking M4 like a pair of silly old pricks get a pair of old tarts oh I really hope tarts is okay if it's just us pair of old tarts oh I really hope tarts is okay if it's

just us calling each other tarts now Michael's gonna have a terrible time editing this we'll just bleep it out and it

looks like we just keep calling each other c***s bit of an heavy morning for them two today

summing up at lockdown parenting I'll tell you that for free so yeah I got there yeah for them too, didn't I? Something's up at lockdown parenting, I'll tell you that for free. So, yeah, I got there.

Yeah. At five, they were like, it's great, there's free food. And then I, like, I just did,

I kept having to do things. Like, I was on at seven. Yeah. And then it got to like, 20 to seven and they were like, do you want a roast dinner? And I'm like,

no. Of course I don't want a roast dinner. So you had had to go and talk about your book for an hour basically yeah and so i'm like i don't want a fucking roast dinner and also like if you're imagine having a roast dinner and then performing yeah and if you're um like if you eat meat at least the roast dinner you could go i'll just have the meat because that's kind of lighter so it was a sweet potato roulade instead of the meat which is like the heaviest

what's a roulade it's a posh pasty Rob so you didn't eat the roast dinner and then I just got two large glasses of red wine while I was doing my book signing.

Oh, stop it. Yeah. And so, obviously I was buzzing by that. I was like, I don't need to eat. Get in the car back. How long, it's about a four hour drive, isn't it? No, three hours. Three hours.

And then went to bed and woke up and I'm like, I haven't eaten since yesterday lunchtime. What did you have? What was your last meal? Well, this is the even more embarrassing thing, Rob. You didn't have roulade again, did you? No, I didn't. I was just trying to eat well, right?

So I had tofu and asparagus, Rob. That's all I had. I don't think your life's very nice. It's shit. That's all I have. I don't think your life's very nice. It's shit. It's shit. All self-inflicted. I know. I'm an idiot.

Do you know what? I was thinking about this earlier. I think, out of the two of us, you have the sort of more extreme sort of meltdowns, where I fly off the handle quite quickly, but sometimes your life's like a puzzle that's been jumped on and just explodes

into a million pieces and you're on the floor trying to get the roulade the tofu the cab's waiting it's um but it's like that when the baby's young

because you've got no schedule to rely on no it's all over it's all over the shop yeah oh so it's got a bit better

than last time Rob you had a new technique where the baby gets in the bed and you go and sleep in a spare room and that was a positive wasn't it I now get to stay in the bed

oh you're in the bed you're back in the bed good news yeah so it's an astonishing thing that this baby can do right

because he goes to bed at 7pm yeah he manages to wake up at 5 past 5 on the fucking dot every morning. Like Mark Wahlberg. Yeah.

Quick gym session, protein shake, back to bed. But it's... I don't know how he does it. It's always 5 past. Basically, it's always within 10 minute range. And you're like, how are you doing this? You sleep for exactly 10 hours, whatever. Oh, that is a good 10 hours though, isn't it?

Oh, it's great. Because you get your evenings. Yeah, it's superb. As long as you get... I think it's better that they get up early if they're properly asleep. Oh, totally. That's good though. So how old's the baby?

Five months. Look, Josh, two months ago, your life was in pieces. This is an inspirational story. There's people listening here. Exactly. Right in the fucking front line of it. Three months and it's terrible waiting for the regression and they think how can this regress oh yes boy it can regress it will get worse but then it'll get better and before you know it you're having two glasses of red wine and not eating yeah exactly Like a student, like a posh student.

Yeah, so at 5am he wakes up and he feeds and then we put the things to keep him in the bed and then, but I've found I've got a space on the bed now, Rob, when he comes into the bed. Yeah. I now sleep at the bottom of the bed horizontally. Like a dog? Yeah. Like a little...

Like a dog in the bottom of the bed. He's dog yeah so they'll be at my they'll be about my knees and my my feet all go off the end of the bed because i mean i'm too i'm too long for the width of the bed how small's his bed mate oh come on now i don't want to do height banter, but you shouldn't be longer than your bed. What is it? It's a king. It's a big bed. You're a big man.

It's a big bed. So your feet are off the edge. I'm going to say it, Rob. Go home and try it. Not go home. You're at home. Go upstairs and try it after this. Yeah. Go on. You probably have never lay horizontally across a bed. You'll be surprised how much longer you are than the width of a bed. No chance. If that's the case, Peter Crouch would be like a seesaw on the bed.

But he never has to do this. Because no bed is prepared for this because no one's ever done it before. No one ever sleeps horizontally across a bed. So your feet are hanging off and your head's by the baby but there's space around your head. So does Rose kick you in the knee? Let me just draw your diagram and I'll put it on the group. Okay, alright. I want to see the

heat map of your bed throughout the evening. There's Josh there, dominating the left-hand side. Oh, it's 5am. He's been relegated to the base as he snuggles up to the feet of Rose like a little dog. Talk about order in the pack and your pecking order, it's ridiculous. Yeah, I know. It's mad.

I'm very excited about seeing the... We'll have to post this onto Instagram to see your diagram. Let's have a look. I've done it on a post-it because that's all I've got. I mean, also, Josh, I can't imagine what's going to be on this diagram that I haven't already got on my head. You've not painted a complicated picture. No.

I mean, that's exactly what I thought it was going to be. That's the most pointless drawing in the history of pointless drawings. Also, you didn't need to draw the bed. The post-it note could have been the bed. That's a good point. Hang on, so let me just walk, talk through this photo. So which one's you? Small one.

Small one. God, he's a big boy, you're baby. Or Rosie's signing. Okay, yeah baby! Or Rosie's siding. OK, yeah, I've got the picture now, I can sort of see. In my head, though, in my head, you were on the other side of the bed. I don't know why. You know, nearest the door. Oh, right, yeah, no, I know.

I should be, shouldn't I? You should be. Isn't that a thing, nearest the door? I know, but we're always on these sides and it's kind of stuck now. It's a thing, isn't it? That is what it is. Well, that's good, so you get to sleep on the bed now not in the spare room yeah from five to five to about half seven it's mad isn't it that this is the best it's been for you in five months look at it

i can't stop looking at it no that's my life that's my life in a post-it note oh god oh good yeah good actually it's um i've been i've been away for the last four nights gigging i've had the most insane schedule um just because of you know the pandemic and things like that people at your gigs podcast listeners uh yes uh yeah some are yeah i got heckled with your name the other day in exeter you know your local a local one and they said, someone said they're from Dartmoor and they all just pissed themselves laughing. And I was like, why is that funny?

And they went, that's because where Josh is from. And I went, fuck that guy. Tonight's about me. I get the odd podcast heckle because everyone's bought their tickets before the lockdown. Yeah. So there's loads, most of's bought their tickets before the lockdown. Yeah.

So there's loads. Most of the people haven't heard the podcast. Yeah. And I've got a bit of material about having a stiff neck. And so I always shout out stiff neck. And then most of the people will be like, what the fuck is that person shouting now? Yeah. It's very difficult because then you have to explain.

When I did the Henley Book Festival, there was people asking me questions about the podcast that were quite specific and niche, and then I laughed. Then I had to go, so basically, then I had to try and remember all these scenes I'd come from. So basically, my daughter saw an elephant trunk and called it, you know, a gay, oh, God, and it just constantly happened to explain myself. But it's nice to have a committed audience, Josh.

It's good. Yeah, it's lovely. But if you guys could you know pass it on to people that were fans of me 18 months ago that'd be ideal they're really they're really struggling to keep up the narrative of the stiff neck uh loose neck stiffy mcgee and ben bucket but whatever i can't remember that's the thing because we sort of just turn up and just speak because we don't nothing's planned or organized i know shock who would have thought you know there's no planning meeting for our m4 chat but um so i'll say things and i forgot i've said them and people come up in in the street and just say something to me like socks in the bath you're like wait what is it what socks you're right mate do you need some help no socks in the bath your kid like

and because also people are at different stages are listening to it. For them, it feels really current. And then you're like, oh, my God, I can't remember what that was. So, yeah. So thanks for the heckles about the podcast. But sometimes it is a bit confusing to the rest of the room. But, yeah, you're a big deal down there. Exit away, Josh.

Too right, mate. I'll stop it. That's where I'm in sick form. Is it? Is it? I am. Well, yeah. So I was away for four nights's where I intersect form. Is it? Is it? I am, well, yeah, so I've did,

I was away for four nights this week, gigging, and I came back, got in at 1am last night. So I got up this morning at seven to do the school run, get them all ready, came downstairs, like the hero I thought I was,

to the two, two girls eating their cereal. I went, daddy's home. And they, one of them didn't look at me. The other one went, this is what she said.

Four nights I've been away, desperately, I'm finding it really difficult being away from them because I'm not used to it. And she said to me, don't look at me the other one went this is what she said four nights I've been away desperately I'm finding it really difficult being away from them because I'm not used to it and she said to me don't come near me oh mate brutal

absolutely skewered me don't come and then I go to Lou oh have they missed me and Lou goes do you want the truth when someone says do you want the truth

the answer's no so just say no don't try and build me up with what's the truth what When someone says, do you want the truth? The answer's no. So just say no. Don't try and build me up with what's the truth. What have they been up to without you? Well, to be fair, we've not done one for a little while, but they've just been at school, really, and they're getting tired now because half term is approaching. But we got a funny note back from my five-year-old teacher.

So you'll love this, right? So he said that, basically, she made the class sort of laugh by accident today because she couldn't remember the teaching assistant's name. Yeah. So, this, like, nice lady. So, she went to her, Oi, love.

To get her attention. Oi, love. You tart. No, she did not say that. She went, Oi, love, right? And then Lou was like, Oh, yeah, cuss at you, Rob. Because obviously anything that's a bit more like that, I get the blame. But it ain't me.

I don't know why she's got love. She gets it from Lou. I've never heard you say it. Lou says, oh, all the time. I've been down in Exeter too long. All the time, right? She says, oh, to get their attention all the time. So she gets that.

And then Lou says, all right, my love, like that. So it's from Lou. But I've been taking the heat from it. Because, yeah, if Lou says it, it's a very chilled out thing to say. Oi, oi, love is awful if I say that. It's like someone's not paid at the market. Oi, love, come here. Don't take the piss, will you?

And they obviously, that sounds like, so Beckett, isn't it? Exactly. And when you're, you know, they're never going to think that's Lou, is it? So I took a huge amount of heat for that. Did she get in trouble for it? Oi, love.

No, they just laughed and said, you know, you might know it's Mrs. Whatever her name is, you must say that. Mrs. Love. It's Mrs. Love to you. Or Ms. Love. Not I love, Ms. Love. But yeah,

they've been a bit like, they're getting a bit a little bit cheeky and naughty of each other, right? I got up from the other morning before I went away for work and I gave them both yoghurts

and I turned around and I heard giggling and this little weird noise and they'd got straws out the drawer. They got these straws out and I heard these noises like,

I turned around and they'd been getting yoghurt in their straws and just spitting at each other's faces. Oh, my word. They were covered in yoghurt. There was yoghurt all over the floor and all over their faces. And they were pissing themselves laughing.

And it's actually, you don't want to be like a boring dad and tell them off. No, you're on the square. You can't gob spit at each other with straws, like yoghurt straws. So I made them clear it all up. But it was just like, you know when you just saw, you have to tell them, like, off. But he's quite, it's quite funny, isn't it?

Yeah. And do you know what? I've already got that thing where I don't want to be the square, Rob. I don't, I want to, I want to be like, yeah, I get it. We all want to spit yoghurt.

Do you know what I mean? Like, like I'm, like a cool teacher. Yeah, I know, I'd love to. Yeah. If I could sit there with my mate and just gob yoghurt in his face and he'd do that to me, I'd have a great afternoon. I don't want to be the guy that's with my mate and just gob yoghurt in his face and he'd do that to me, I'd have a great afternoon.

I don't want to be the guy that's saying you can't spit yoghurt. Yeah, but then I sort of think, why can't we? We'll clear it up. It's just something we do. How many people need to do it before it's a cultural thing? You know what I mean? Going, oh, it's a bit disgusting. And I think you'll find in our culture that's just what we do.

But I don't know. Maybe I could invent that as a new thing, just gobbing yoghurt at each other's faces. Yeah, I don't think that's a bit disgusting. And I think you'll find in our culture that's just what we do. But I don't know. Maybe I could invent that as a new thing, just gobbing yoghurt at each other's faces. Yeah, I don't think that's a bad idea at all. No. Oh, Josh, I've got something to talk to you about here as well. Yeah. Oh, first of all, you'll love this.

Lou listens to the podcast, right? Yeah. Even though the other day she was so annoyed with me she had to leave the room because she was sick of my voice and she listens to the podcast. Yeah. And I went, how can you get the ump with me and then go in the other room after you've got the ump with me

and listen to the podcast? And she went, because it's the edited version of you. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. So, essentially I think I might need Michael to move in and just... Snip out your conversation. Yeah. Tap me on the shoulder and just like, dear, don't bother with

that one, Rob. Let's nip that one out. Don't bother with the M4 stuff. Pasco, yeah, she doesn't care about the M4, Rob. Just leave it. Just say she looks nice. Thanks, Michael. Also, you need to explain yourself, Josh. You're doing that who do you think you are and you're related to Henry VIII.

The ultimate stiff neck. Henry VIII the ultimate stiff neck Henry VIII and explains your terrible views on women and you've got a stiff neck you'd need a stiff neck

to survive it exactly do you know what I mean your great great man they tried to chop my head off but it wouldn't go old Sally Stiff Neck your great great man

couldn't get the blade through no that's exciting you're I've been sworn to secrecy obviously but it's in the paper isn't it yeah yeah great, great nan couldn't get the blade through. No. That's exciting. I've been sworn to secrecy, obviously. But it's in the paper, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. No, it was.

That's such a dad cop. That's such a little crime dad cop. I just had a nut go the wrong way down. Oh, you are eating then, are you? 18 hours? I'm having a protein shake, Rob. Are you? And a little nut in it?

Add a little bit of... Are you trying to bulk up? Put some peanut? No, it's just... I was so... I was... I'd love it if you got hench. Do you think? I'd love it if you just got absolutely...

Do you want to be like Joel Domet? No, not like Joel Domet, because he's sort of athletic and lean, but I think he's like massive arm, like a tiny strong man. But I'd love to use to get hench, Josh, but really big and muscly, just like a tiny strong man but i'd love to use to get hence josh but really big and muscly just like i just want to uh just not hate my body just hate your body did you hate say hate your body yeah do you hate your body i have done in the last month or so

you just put you should put on a little bit of weight from and yeah well yeah from takeaways and stuff like that yeah exactly the amount of takeaways we had in the first three months of having a baby was unacceptable. It was out of control. Yeah, but I think you can't judge yourself for that. That's fine. That's just life. And you can be fairly healthy with a takeaway.

If you get, like, chicken shish, you can't have chicken, but just something shished. Yeah. Swim, take a real large shish. Real large. Swim, take a real large shish. What were we talking about that made us... I was saying something and then I choked on a nut,

but I can't remember what it is. I don't know. I don't know. I do want this. I've had sort of waves of parent panic recently. You know sometimes you feel all right and then all of a sudden you feel bad and you know it's mental.

I think this is a good place to talk about it. I was just like on TikTok and there was like a TikTok going, stardom early and then you never know what they can achieve. And it was like images of like this six month old on a climbing frame. And then it moved to like eight months old

and they're like doing pull-ups and then like 18 months old and they're like literally flying across this home gym climbing frame set up and it was like future gymn old. And they're like literally flying across this home gym climbing frame set up. And it was like future gymnast. And I was like, Oh my God, I never,

I never taught my kids how to be a gymnast at eight months. But like on this spiral of going, well, that's, you're a terrible parent, aren't you? You're not helping them have opportunities to be a gymnast. And then I was like,

I don't, I don't, I don't give a shit. Why am I beating myself up about not training my kid to be a mad gymnast at 80 knots? It's ridiculous, isn't it? It's so weird, all that kind of stuff. You don't want to be Richard Williams, the father of Venus and Serena. Do you know what I mean?

I know. Well, that's the thing. I just sort of think, but I think it's when you're tired, that's when you beat yourself up. And that's why parenting is so hard, is you're always tired. So you haven't got that sort of armour of confidence and self-worth to go, no, actually, it doesn't matter. They're very happy kids and doing their own thing. They don't have to be good at doing pull-ups at 18 months.

I'm 35 and still can't do one. I've had a nice life. But if I will be able to do one, if I keep drinking these protein shakes, Rob. If you want to read another book. Yeah, lovely. Vegan protein shake, pop a banana in, bit of oat milk,

bit of, oh, I forgot how boring myself. If you want to read another book that makes you feel good about being a parent, Rob. I'm boring myself. Out loud. Out loud. Do you know what what the other day so okay

you know when occasionally like you're just like you're on a bit of a low is that your belly rumbling yeah because it hasn't eaten in 18 months it's had a nut in it

18 weeks 18 months 18 hours god I'm so tired 18 weeks I can't I can't even say it out this is

the wheels have come off already on this one oh dear so one day it was before last leg I forgot I was mic'd up. You know, and I just said it boring myself. Yeah. It was like five minutes before our last leg.

And I just said to myself, I hate my life. And then I realised I was mic'd up. Did anyone say anything? No. I was literally just walking to the toilet. And I went, oh, God. Like, I was just, you know, toilet. And I went, oh, God. What? Like, I was just, you know.

You know those moments of self-doubt when you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah. This is absurd. A bit nervous. Yeah, exactly. You're basically like, I don't, I'm nervous. And I'm kicking out against my own life.

And I thought, there's someone in the gallery there that's just heard me go, I hate my life. And then they've got a director on live TV for an hour looking at you. Let's do this. Going, poor sod, look at him. Well, I think that's the thing, though, with that kind of thing. Everyone does feel like that. But you just want to make sure you don't feel like that all day, every day.

And the danger is, when you do feel like that, it's good to say it out loud and address it. Because that's just that feeling at that point. And feelings come and go. And then you'll feel good again later on but it's about if you don't acknowledge it and you try and suppress it and keep it down that's when it builds and gets horrible because you're not being honest and open about it so in a way it's good to say that out loud josh but you know broadcast it to the director and the commissioner of channel four so how's josh getting on with the new series and then she says i hate my life okay well Okay, well, coming up, Alex Brooker.

So in this part, Josh, you get cream-pied by Alex Brooker while Adam Hall's laughs. Okay. Sounds good. So who do you think you are? Yes. Oh, yes, sorry. Who do you think you are?

That's out soon, isn't it? I'm looking forward to that. It's out on Tuesday. Tonight, I suppose. Tonight? Well, as in the night that. It's out on Tuesday. Tonight, I suppose. Tonight? Well, as in the night of this podcast going out. Yeah, it was mad. Obviously, I didn't know any of these things.

You get to see my school, Rob, my primary school, where there was four kids in my year in the opening scene. Oh, yes, please. And then it goes all the way and a certain place local to you, Hever Castle. Hever? Oh, that's where he lived, didn't it? Anna Cleaves and all that.

Anna, no, what's it called? Anne Boleyn. Anne Boleyn. Which is my family home, Rob. Your family home was Hever Castle? Well, Anne Boleyn's sister, Mary Boleyn, is my 14 times great-grandma. And she had an illegitimate child with Henry VIII

when he was married to her sister so there was like secret and not part of the secret and that is my 13 times great grandma do you know what that it's what i did an itv one which is due to come out next year and he's not like that rob scum from scum From scum from scum As far back as you can find it Labouring in a field And you Little miss

It does explain your slightly Posh behaviour How has None of the money fucking came through Rob I know but None of the power came through Just the chip on my shoulder. The thought process of,

I'll get a cab to nursery and leave it running. That's what Henry VIII would have done. He wouldn't have done the fucking nursery run. Oh, God. Josh, I've got a little secret

as well I've been telling you. Basically, you know, there's been a petrol shortage basically only in South East London. You haven't got all the petrol, have you? I ain't got it all, but I'll tell you what I've got a little secret as well. I'll tell you. Basically, you know, there's been a petrol shortage, basically only in South East London. You haven't got all the petrol, have you? I ain't got it all, but I'll tell you what I've been doing. It's actually the petrol queue situation is quite good for a parent wanting a break.

Oh, yes, please. It reminds me of when, I don't know if I mentioned it here, where I used to go to the dump and that was quite good. Yeah, I love the dump. Yeah, but there's a CCTV camera at the dump. And I always say to Lou, I'm going to check the CCTV to see what it looks like. And she thinks I'm checking to see if it's clear.

I'm checking to see a cue. Because I know I'm getting like 40 minutes of a podcast in the queue for the dump. Same with petrol. It's a sneaky little avoid parenting way. And also, you're doing something. Babe, do you want me to go and get the petrol? Yeah, shall I? Yeah, you stay here. I'll do it. Don't worry'll go and go thanks rob you're a hero no worries it's all

right i'll be back in two hours with a meal deal um but yes i did do that but it looks like the petrol situation is sorting itself out now so that's that's that gone but if it crops up again you dealt with it better than me because this was my disaster driving wise i don't know what's happened so saturday, we were like, we've got to get more things in at the weekends. That's the problem. We've made this decision. What, activities?

Yeah. We've made, twice this week, we made the mistake of going two-on-two rather than one-on-one. First one, two-on-two at Westfield was very tough. Because when the baby's that small, the older one don't enjoy it. No one enjoys it.

No, they don't. It's the same thing. Because one of you could go for lunch with the baby to see a friend. Exactly. And then it's only for like six months or so. And then it's mummy day, daddy day. Yeah, totally.

Maybe if you do that in the days and then, you know, mummy day, daddy day, and then you two can see each other in the evening, then that way everyone's enjoying themselves. You get a break with the baby. I know the baby's still difficult but you can't as difficult as no because it's your activity isn't it you can go for lunch or visit a friend and the baby's there whereas with the older one you've got to do like trampoline in the park or something that they want to do yes so i then um saturday we decided to go to Epping Forest.

Classic. Nice. It was so difficult to get out of the house, Rob, that we eventually got into the car at ten past three. Well, yeah, it had been up since what? Half seven? Five? Yeah, it's half seven. I'd achieved basically nothing in the day.

Got in the car at ten past three. I find this is sometimes just like a shit in the pants, keep washing, changing clothes, little cycle. Oh, I need a feed now. Oh, now it's nap time. You can't get out. So you get out ten past three Sunday. Or Saturday.

Saturday, yep. Drive to Epping Forest, which is half an hour. Lovely. Now, I haven't driven the car in a month because of the petrol crisis. I was just like, I'm not going to... I'm only going to use it in emergencies. And I was like, well, I'm just going to go to Epping Forest. Half a tank of petrol.

Lovely. Get in. Still not done the fucking tyres, mate. Unbelievable. Get the warning about the tyres. The warning now is it says, your tyres need pumping up. Don't go over 80. I'm like, pumping up. Don't go over 80.

I'm like, I'm not allowed to go over 80. Anyway. That's the law. Yeah. And also, don't kill your wife. Yeah. Don't smoke heroin. All right, fine.

Yeah, don't rob a bank as well while you're at it, OK? Oh, thanks, sir. Thanks for all these rules you're giving me just so I know what I'm up to. Fuck's sake, I'm going to ring the garage. I'm doing 90 miles an hour down the motorway

and the tyre blows out and it was too flat. What are you going to do about it? Ring the police. You're doing that against the law. So I get there, drive there,

find a parking space. Lovely. It's only 20 to 4. We've still got a good hour before the sun goes down pull up as i turn the engine off yeah get the warning that the battery is very low i wish i could see your face and it says at the moment you're dealing with three warning lights low petrol low battery no no air in the tank.

No, the petrol's fine. Astonishingly, petrol is the only thing that's fine. The actual crisis is just Josh Widdicombe. The Josh Widdicombe crisis, not the petrol crisis. It says a battery is dangerously low or something, very low. It then recommends that I just immediately drive around to to you know yeah you charge it up going a long run recharge it i've just driven for half an hour it's not long enough josh you've sat idle for a month i know so i find my dad who knows all about cars he's like

it's it'll be fine just you don't need to drive straight away just go to the forest it's he said i would get back in your car before you need to use the lights, though. That's a worrying... Yeah, that's a worrying thing. But obviously, it overshadows the walk around the forest. This knowledge that there's a chance we're going to get stuck. There's no way of relaxing in a forest. Yeah yeah you might as well just carry on driving because

there's no there's no fun to be had now it's a pure anxiety will the car start walk yeah and then on top of that when i'm in the forest i realized due to the battery situation i've forgotten to pay and display as well so so that's hanging over me as well. Oh, God. It was... No, I should say, disappointingly, the car did start and we did drive home. So don't... That's not going to be... But it's the most stressful half-hour walk through a forest I've ever had in my life. Also, as well, like, in a way, it's weird doing this podcast,

because if it didn't start, you're upset, but you're also going, this is going to be so good for the podcast. I'm going to start doing some voice notes now while the kids are crying. But yeah, you can't relax when you think that might happen. You're walking around a forest thinking, am I stuck here? So you drove it home and it was fine. It was fine. Now I don't know what I do now.

Well, it's not going to start now because you should have taken it for a longer drive at that point. Well, I drove it home and it didn't give me the warning when I got home. So I don't know whether that's done, but it's slowly going down now. Is it? Yeah. Do I need to get in now? It's probably gone. Oh, for God's sake.

So what do I do now? Have I not got a car anymore? Well, yeah, it won't start now because there's no batteries to power it. So I can just sit in it? You can sit in it if you want and you could push it. But you will have to ring probably the AARACac to come out to crying out loud charge it or just because i haven't used it in a month yeah or you can remove i mean i'm going to suggest this to you but you're never going to do this and you won't know how remove the battery take it indoors and get a battery

charger and charge it up yourself yeah i wouldn't know which bit the battery is so yeah but it might start, but the longer you leave it, the more likely it won't. So what do I need to do? During a petrol crisis, I need to drive around for two hours using petrol to charge up my battery. Yeah, but the battery isn't aware that there's a crisis.

It's not sort of just chosen this point. It's not like, well, it's very considerate of you, battery, to decide now to run out. It's just an unfortunate set of circumstances. So how often do i need to be using my car i mean i i don't i'm not saying that you need to polish it twice a day and do detailing on it but i would i would suggest giving the tires some air and having a battery charged but i mean how to stop my back this happening again i'd probably use the car like

twice a week minimum i thought i was doing a good thing by not using the car, Rob, and now look at me. I just think the message I think they're trying to get out is drive more using petrol. I think that's the vibe. I think that's what we're heading for. Diesel's bad, keep driving with petrol. Okay, good.

Oh, Josh, this is funny though. I've got to say this. Book's out this week. My book is out this week. Yeah, Josh, this is funny though. I've got to say this. Book's out this week. My book is out this week. Yeah, so book's out this week. But this isn't just a shameless plug. Are you going to Cheltenham Festival? Yes, I am going to Cheltenham Festival

to do a book talk on Friday. The absolute stiff neck central. I cannot wait to hear how Rob Beckett gets on at Cheltenham Literature Festival. You'll love the gig. Oh, mate, I'm going to have a rock-hard stiff neck and a rock-hard roulade, down a couple of bottles of wine and let rip.

What is it, just talking about the book, innit? Just like... It's great. You sit there, you talk about the book, you have a couple of glasses of red wine, and then you sign loads of books for people. I don't know, but it does feel a bit self-involved, innit? Do you know what I mean?

I know I'm doing it, and I've agreed to it. You go around every night and do stand-up about yourself. i know but that's me being that's jokes in it me just going actually i decided to write the book fuck off mate no one cares you don't do that you just you just know that yeah there's none of like what was your it's all just like just do the best funniest bits in the book as if it were a conversation yeah just have a laugh and then take some questions anyway it's not about the book the book's coming out on thursday a class act is in shops but the reason i'm bringing it up is one because the publishers asked me to but secondly more importantly my kids have seen the book right i gave them the book

they haven't got the book yet it should be coming there should be a box arriving all right okay cool there's a book there's a book coming for you um yeah because i sent out a little gift box to people which got a bucket out in it and some drinks oh yes and you choose if you're middle class or uh working class and you put the problem is now on royalty i know you need a new hat i think they call it a crown um crown hat that's what they call it oh anyway so the book there's loads of photos in the books and the girls were looking at it laughing because there's loads of photos me as a kid blah blah blah there's a photo of me at a festival um i think it was a b festival and i'm sat next to like a holding and on it someone has graffitied piss here and an arrow pointing down i'm sat underneath it a quirky comedy pic anyway i'm sat there and then

as we're reading it my five-year-old goes oh my five-year-old reads it, goes, oh, piss here. I was like, pardon? It says piss here. I went, and then she was like, what's piss? What's piss? And I was like, no, you can't say that. You know, I should have left it,

but I panicked. She lost her mind. Piss here? So what? I went, oh, piss is like a rude word for pee-pee and wee-wee. She went, someone wee-wee'd, someone pissed on the floor. I'm like, oh God. She's going god piss here piss here piss here piss it and just shouting piss here right and absolutely she

giggles so and i can't really tell her because it's written in a book that i've shown her yeah i mean and so it says piss here she keeps saying piss and i was like no you mustn't say that right and then she was in the corner once you're saying you mustn't say that it's game over yeah she kept game over she's gonna go no no piss here no you can't say that now we've settled on you're allowed to say in the house but not out the house oh she's absolutely she's out she's struck a deal yeah so now every time anyone comes in she gets the book runs runs to the door, anyone. Like if it's the delivery driver, the postman, anyone, she opens it up on that page and goes, piss here.

And just points at the word piss here. And now the three-year-old knows it because I came home and she was laughing, giggling, going, piss here. And Lulu was going, no, you can't say that. You can't say that. And then the three-year-old just looked at me and went, piss. Just she knows the word piss now and i heard him and one of them said daddy i need a piss oh no so they're fully pissed so i've said they're not allowed to say at school

it's gonna be the least of your problems by this time i love piss i love i need a piss where's the where's the bog? I'm going for a slash. Is that right with you, darling? Your house is a building site, Rob. Your house is like... Oi, darling, oi, love, I'm going for a piss. Is that right? I need a slash.

I'll be back in five, yeah? Do you have to make your daughter tea with six sugars in it? Yeah, cup of tea won't go a mistreatal. All right, darling, see you in a bit. Now, girls, stop it. You're being very rude. You're embarrassing Mummy and Dad, dude.

But, yeah, so, yes, if you get the book, piss here, I'll be there. But be careful reading it in front of children because they can read now, kids, these days. They can. It's getting out of hand. It's getting out of hand. Right, Josh, we spoke for ages. We'll do some Instagrams maybe on Friday. I've got some good emails.

And, yeah, let's do some Instagrams Friday. Small business shout out now. Okay, I'll do this one. I'm going to do this one. Oh, because I don't know if you've seen it on Instagram. I had to put an Instagram post out. In my book, Josh, I talk about having slight mental health issues in the past, which I was at a very low point, but I'm absolutely fine now

because I sort of told people. It's all detailed in the book, and it's a very small part of the of the book most of the books those are silly stories about my massive nipples during puberty and drunkenly talking to steven orkin however there is a small bit that the press have jumped on so for this small business shout out i'm going to give a shout out to this charity the matt palmer trust and it's a mental health charity you can go to mattpalmertrust.org.uk and um it's a charity set up in honor of my friend who sadly um took his own life through mental health problems and it's all about um raising awareness of mental health especially in in men and how you can donate and they're very good matt palmatrust

because they're like a um they send you to places out of already existing um courses and access to help and stuff so you can go on the matt palmer trust.org.uk or matt palmer trust on instagram and if you want to donate you can text palmer p-a-l-m-e-r and five pounds so you just text p-a-l-m-e-r and then the five five pound a little pound sign and five two seven oh four seven oh to support this mental health charity. And yeah, all the info's on themattpalmertrust.org.uk. So that's my small business shout out this week. That is a good one. Do you know what?

I'm just going to grab... I've had a good idea for what would work off that small business wise. Yeah. Because let me just go and grab it. One sec. I'll be 30 seconds. Okay. 30 seconds is a long time for old Bobby Beckles to fill, but I'll give it a go.

Actually, I can't be bothered. Michael, just edit this bit. God, I'm out of breath, Rob. Where did you go? I ran downstairs. Where do you live, Eiffel Tower? It bloody feels like that sometimes. No, the house is too thin,

so it's taller than it should be for the amount of rooms it's got. You're fat! I feel like my bed's too thin. It sounds like you've just done Strictly and you're waiting for the judges' comments. Yeah, thank you. You've been training really hard on this. Foxtrot doesn't come easy, but OT's been brilliant with me. If I hear one more person on Strictly say they've been training hard.

Anyway. They've all been training too hard this year. They're too good. I'd strictly say they've been training hard anyway they've all been training too hard this year they're too good I'd love it if someone would go do you know what thanks for that

because I've done fuck all this week I just thought I'd freestyle it as I come out you know I mean Judy Love's

fucking amazing anyway I've not seen any of it I've been away yeah keep Judy Love we're a big fan of Judy Love

from this podcast we love Judy Love her episode's great if you big fan of judy love from this podcast she's her episode's great if not listen to it very funny but also she's had a very tricky route to the to the top of her of her chosen career so she's she's smashing it good luck judy keep voting for her well on that right bizarrely she talked about her postnatal depression and i wanted to just uh for small business shout out when i was at Cheltenham Book Festival yesterday yep a woman who listens to the podcast

came up to us and she was an author and she gave me her book which is called Something to Live For My Postnatal Depression and How the NHS Saved Us and it's a book

about her dealing with her postnatal depression which she said was very very bad I've leafed through it when I'd had a couple of glasses of red wine and I enjoyed, well enjoyed it's a strong word

obviously it's the wrong, is that the wrong word? No I think You can say enjoyed it You enjoyed the impact the book had on you It's very good, let's put it that way Yeah you wasn't happy that the situation occurred I think that's fair I don't know how many glasses of wine you have to have

to enjoy that, some sort of sick fuck. But it's good, right? Something to live for. Love that book. Great read. Great read. An absolute page turner. Most I've laughed in years.

Josh Winnicombe, you sick bastard. No, it's a very interesting book about a serious topic that had a great impact on you. Also, what was really nice, I said, how are you now? And she's pregnant again now. So that was very nice. Oh, that's nice. Oh, lovely. how are you now? And she's pregnant again now.

So that was very nice. Oh, that's nice. So thank you for listening to the podcast, Laura. She said she really appreciates how much we talk about mental health on it. So that is Laura Canty's Something to Live For. Perfect. We'll do some more business-y stuff next week. This was a charity spesh.

Charity spesh. Okay, well, I'll see you on Friday. Apologies last week. It wasn't Jesse Ware. It was Charlotte Church due to a technical issue. So we will be having Jesse Ware. We have done Jesse Ware. It wasn't that we've confused Jesse Ware and Charlotte Church.

Yeah, they're both two birds that can sing in it. No, there was a technical issue, okay? And I shouldn't say birds. That was bad. But I was doing it in an ironic character. Exactly. That sounds a little bit like me. You've been doing that ironic character for 10 years and it's doing you well for you.

It's doing all right. But yeah, so Jesse Ware is not... We've got Michael McIntyre this week and Jesse Ware next week. That's the line-up. Charge. That's the line-up. McIntyre.

Ware. That's the situation, isn't it? You've got so many stars on the bench. It's difficult to get them in the right order. It's like Man City. It's going to be them in the right order. It's like Man City. It's going to be like Newcastle next season. Just feed him through. Mbappe, Haaland, you know, Joe Willock.

Right, see you on Friday with the Michael McIntyre episode. Bye. Bye.