Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP28: Michael McIntyre

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

S03 EP28: Michael McIntyre Joining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian and presenter, Michael McIntyre. Michael's fantastic new book 'A Funny Life' is available now: http://smarturl.it/AFunnyLife In A Funny Life, Michael honestly and hilariously shares the highs and the lows of his rise to the top and desperate attempts to stay there. It’s all here, from his disastrous panel show appearances to his hit TV shows, from mistakenly thinking he’d be a good chat show host and talent judge, to finding fame and fortune beyond his wildest dreams and becoming the biggest-selling comedian in the world. Along the way he opens his man drawer, narrowly avoids disaster when his trousers fall down in front of three policemen and learns the hard way why he should always listen to his wife. Please rate and review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxx If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Harris, can you see Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittakin. Rob Beckett. Josh Whittakin. Not the best attempt at my name from Harris.

Go on, Harris. She sounded Scottish or American, that lady. She is Scottish, yeah. Her email is called Scottish Two-Year-Old's Intro for You. Hi, both. Here's a wee intro from my two-and-a-half-year-old called Harris, who's just found out he's going to be a big brother. Loving the podcast.

Ammy. Oh. Short for Harrison, do you imagine? I don't know, yeah. Harrison's a bit of an American name I think isn't it Harrison Oh No George have you read that book with your kids ever they'll be too old for it now yeah I think so we sort of

they read on their own now they don't really need me yeah they just read piss here don't they that's what they mainly read yeah just piss here in the book books out now hope you all bought it guys if you haven't bought it go and buy my book it's in a shop a class at Rob Beckett right Josh let's use some instagrams because people are sick of me talking about our books um i reckon you talked for about 6.5 seconds about your book there rob

yeah i know but i'm bored of my own voice i'm sick of it i'm on jonathan ross talking about it next week i think oh well there we go hi rob and josh yes we love the podcast i listen whilst on pram pushes around our village i've definitely raised a few eyebrows from laughing out loud to myself as I walk. Keep up the good work. Over the bank holiday, my husband and I were enjoying a rare moment of quiet whilst our children were building Brio train tracks together in another room. We sipped our drinks, awaiting the inevitable arguments to come. None came.

By now, you'd have thought we'd be wise to enjoying prolonged quiet. It is never a good thing. After ten minutes, an unexpected scream came. It's eating my hair. What? My husband and I looked at each other, wondering what new sibling rivalry this could be. To our surprise, the culprit was not our younger brother,

but a battery-powered Brio train. Oh, no. As our daughter entered the kitchen, we could see the train slowly climbing its way up a section of her hair to the top of her head. Oh no. Oh. He's eaten my hair. Oh no. Oh God.

No way. Of the hope that it would make the journey out of the hair the way it came. Of course it didn't. Oh, I thought it was going to. After a good hour of reversing tears and cries of pain, we concluded it was well and truly stuck. We had definitely made it worse trying to solve the problem. Our newly purchased lockdown hairdressing scissors along with supplies were required.

Oh, my God, they had to cut the hair she now has a large tuft of short hair right on top of her head oh the mangled train will now only go in small circles on the floor as it is missing two wheels on one side oh my god from katherine and ian oh katherine and ian in bedfordshire i mean i think there's lots of stories about, like kids cutting each other's hair and stuff. If you've got any hair-based stories of kids cutting their hair, getting their hair cut, let us know. And pictures as well, we'll stick on Instagram if you're happy for us to. It's eating my hair.

It's eating my hair, Mummy. That is an awful thing to hear, isn't it? Just the vision of the kid with the train coming up the hair, just slowly and slowly. It's like a horror film. Yeah, it is. Oh, my God, that's all all horrific um oh we've got some more things that don't have an opinion on i'll whip through these yeah go for it um how the

world begun just not that bothered thanks peggy things i don't have an opinion on whether a jaffa cake is a cake or a biscuit yes a great one don't give a shit really good one i don't have opinion i don't have an opinion on which way the toilet roll is on the holder how does it make any difference lynn from wigan this is my favorite feature ever things i don't have an opinion on whether it's cream or jam first on a scone couldn't give a shit just eat the bloody thing it all mixes together in your belly anyway charlotte oh god um yes they are excellent keep them coming i like their short jingle for that or something we could do with me but you know i don't really have an opinion on whether we need one or not couldn't give a shit if michael does it or not i'll never listen back i won't know so it

doesn't bother me zen in it um let us know if you have no opinion on things. Hello. What is it? Parenting hell.co.uk Something like that. Yeah, something like that. I don't know. It can't be my response all the time.

Don't really have an opinion on if there is a web... It's not really an opinion, is it? There is either an email or there isn't. Anyway, I've got another... I've had too much coffee. I'm talking so fast, Josh.

I've got to try and breathe. What are you doing with the rest of your day? I've got... Tell you what, I've got a day off today. I've got, well, this. Boxing. I'm doing some boxing and then I've got... Oh, that'll be fun. I'm going to try and breathe what are you doing with the rest of your day I've got tell you what I've got a day off today I've got well this boxing

I'm doing some boxing and then oh that'll be fun I'm going to go for a walk with Louise my wife and then pick the kids up from school

right I've got a good Instagram message here this is hi Rob and Josh I just listened to the episode about weird things people wear to bed and thought it was worth sharing

when I was 13 I went on a French exchange and went to a school different school in France and was partnered up with a girl this is from a girl called Eloise, by the way. It's not an odd pairing of teenagers. I had to share with her for a week. Horrific in brackets. Every night, she would put a full outfit on. We are talking jeans, a top and socks.

The full works. Get into bed, sleep and wear the clothes to school the next day. You what? So I think she was saving time in the morning by getting dressed in the evening. So she was getting dressed before bed? Yep. She didn't shower the whole week.

Oh my word. Almost definitely say she smelt worse than Josh's adrenaline sweats. To top it all off, her name was Hoda, pronounced Oda. It was the worst week of my life i'm over the adrenaline sweats now are you are you sweating normally or just no sweats because

you're calm i don't really sweat much unless i've drunk so i sweat at night if i for years i thought for about the first six or seven years of my relationship, the conclusion of me and Rose was that I was someone who just sweated loads at night. Yes. And then we had a child and I stopped drinking as much. It turned out I didn't sweat at night. It was just that I was drinking too much alcohol in my life. So would you have a couple of beers every night before bed type of thing or wine? No, I'd go out on the lash three times a week.

All right, OK. So by the time you've recovered, you're pissed again. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. You were basically drunk or hungover all week. Rob, from the age of 18 to 34, I just presumed I was always tired. Because the thing is, you're a bit of a seshed

for such a, you know, what on paper is massive sort of virgin nerd. You're pretty cool. You're a bit of a sort of... I was saying this to rubbish the other day. Obviously now we're all parents and a bit boring, but back in the day at the start, you were a bit like a bit of a cool, edgy indie comic. You looked like the lead singer of an indie band

and you used to go out drinking and having a party and, like, you was in a band. Yeah, I did like a night out. You're a pretty cool, edgy guy. I wouldn't go that far. You were. Yeah, I did like a night out. You're a pretty cool edgy guy. I wouldn't go that far. You were. Well, thanks, mate. You were.

You looked really cool. You had cool clothes, cool air. I look better now. I've got cool glasses. No, no, no. You look nice now, but you don't look cool now. You look like you dress nicely. You look nice.

Then you looked a bit like, this guy could go and do anything. He's quite rock and roll. I used to wear bootcut jeans when I started doing comedy. No, no, but that was... Depressingly, this is how old we are. That was what was in fashion then. Looking back now, you don't look cool in those photos.

But for the time, you were cool. Josh, you were cool. You was our party guy. You was Chris Evans of the noughties. I had an edge. Of the tens. You was Chris Evans of the noughties. I had an edge. Of the tens. You was Chris Evans of the tens. God, man.

And look at me now. And also, you got on the telly first. You was all chatting with Blur. You'd go to gigs. Do you want to know? Well, I could still do that. I could still do that. No, you can't.

I bed at half nine. I look at my phone sometimes to text you. It's quarter past ten. I think it's not worth it. He's already lying at the foot of his bed like a fucking Alsatian. This is making me laugh. You know, Alan, you know Danny, our agent's mate Alan, who drives us sometimes.

He's driven you before, I think. Yeah, yeah. Lovely blokeke South East London proper geezer loves dogs really kind guy loves animals he was talking about dogs

he's got his staffy dog he was talking about his mate Shih Tzu you know when Turner Frazier's gets you he went yeah because they had this little Shih Tzu

and I tell you what they are game little fuckers he's talking about the craves hey don't mind it they are game little fuckers he's so old school right when he was driving me for these gigs his wife packed him out of the craze. They don't mind it. They are game little fuckers. He's so old school, right? When he was driving me for these gigs

and his wife packed him a wheelie case, right, with some clothes in. He went, oh, she's only packed me a wheelie case of clothes. I was like, we're away for three nights, mate.

I was like, what was you going to do? And I got me a coat and a pair of jeans. And I was like, was that going to be it? Anyway, she packed him this wheelie case

and he refused to wheel it. He carried it. What? Because he thought it was emasculating. I don't know what he thought. this wheelie case, and he refused to wheel it. He carried it. What? Because he thought it was emasculating. I don't know what he thought. He's just a geek. I can't wheel that. It's not that heavy.

I'll carry it. So old school. Lovely bloke, though. Big shout out to Alan for stepping in at the last minute for the driving. Do you want to hear how much I've lost my edge before Michael McIntyre? Oh, yeah, go on then.

So I've realised two 40th's in a row that we haven't been able to go to. Yeah. And you feel bad for not going. Yeah. Both times we just, we got like sent them a gift. Like, so it was my friend, it was Ben Clark's 40th, right? Yeah.

And we didn't go. So we sent them a bottle of champagne. Yeah, that's a nice thing to do. Yeah, it's a nice thing to do. Cause it's, you know, you feel bad. Yeah. And in your head you're going, actually we had this conversation where we're like, if anything, if you think about it, we've saved money. Because the cost of the night would have been more than the bottle of champagne.

Babysitting, taxis, drinks, food. Babysitting, taxis, drinks, exactly. So, so short. Yeah, having to talk to people you hate because, you know, there'll be people there you love, but like any do, there'll be annoying people. You've got to look at the social cost of interactions. Yeah, exactly. And then obviously tomorrow I'll be hungover,

so I'd probably eat badly. So that's another take. Knee deep in roulade. If anything, mate, we're making money. By not going. isn't that pathetic it is a bit pathetic but we're getting older we're losing our edge i've got this one really funny story to do before we bring out michael mcintyre okay here we go hi rob and josh i've recently started listening to your podcast and i'm loving it despite not having children my partner and i are planning on starting a family after our upcoming wedding in october um congratulations guys and my partner has had to have his sperm tested obviously this

is an awkward situation to be in anyway but you won't believe what he heard coming from one of the rooms so apparently was it someone going i hate my life by the way just i've realized some people have just listened to the Michael McIntyre episode. That is a callback to Tuesday's episode. Yeah, oh, if you've just come in for McIntyre. Yeah, if you've just come in for McIntyre, you need to listen to Tuesday for that to make sense. I think we should put some sort of wall on it. You can't just turn up for big dogs like McIntyre.

Where were you? Where were you at the start? If you're just here for McIntyre, get out. You little glory hunting rats. It's like Plymouth Hugga right atop of league one at the moment yeah and on the message boards rather than people being happy there's people complaining about where are all these fans when we weren't any good it's like just enjoy yourselves oh dear yeah so anyway so apparently she heard sounds coming from another room so basically you're sectioned off in some sort of like wanking prison,

aren't you? When you're doing the sperm test. Anyway, they do provide videos for people to watch whilst making their deposit. But for obvious reasons, they can't have the original audio on it because he can't have that pulling up pornos blasting in the corridors of the hospital. He said that he is,

he is 100% certain they had put the Lord of the Rings audio over the video. So it just sounded like a man was getting his jollies to a fight scene in Lord of the Rings. To say he's traumatised is an understatement. I'm assuming it was two people having sex with that over the top, or he was literally wanking to Lord of the Rings. They're the two options. Keep up the podcast, guys.

It's keeping a lot of people sane from Annie do you know what Rob one of the only ways to get through the boredom of that Lord of the Rings film I know but it's a trilogy

three wanks back to back it's a tough test over nine hours Jesus wept I hated those movies also it would be awful as well

if you did deposit and you just heard my precious right deposit and you just heard my precious right this is michael mcintyre enjoy it people hello michael mcintyre we're very excited to have you on i feel like a big moment in the podcast to have the big dog on hello my friends i insisted we had a Zoom together rather than an audio thing. Yeah. It's so that I can hover over your pictures

and know who you are. I'm sorry about that. I just really, I really don't like three-way audio call. I never know who's about to talk. At least when you can see someone, you get a sense, you know what I mean?

They're about to say something. And I always mistime it. And then I'm always talking over somebody else and it's just an absolute disaster. It's fine. Zoom's fine. I'm excited we did Zoom because I can see some Lego you've got in the background there.

The Hogwarts castle, is that? Well, actually, that's my house. That's a representation. This is my son's sort of office. He rules the roost here. Your son's office? Yeah, it sounds crazy, doesn't it? We had this spare room, and he collects all these...

You know, he's a collector. Oh, what do they call them? Little pop head things? Yeah, he's got too many of them. He's got a lot of them. Wow. Can I just say that you've got the ultimate parent thing in that your name on Zoom is your son's name.

You're absolutely right right i'm using his computer basically my i can't even say children anymore because they're like 16 and 13 but i don't know what to call them the young men that live with me that i produced as you can see already within the opening 30 seconds they rule my life i have to they've taken the computer i mean they make their own money now that's not something I've asked them to do. I've got no control over them at all. And yeah, so he took this room, which I suppose should have been my office,

and one day will be. But it's hard, though, isn't it, to sort of say you need an office when you're a stand-up comedian? Like in offices, they call it hot desking, don't they? Where you just sort of sit. I have that with my laptop, so I have to hot desk around my house. So I'll use use the kitchen table or i do a lot of work in bed is that is that something

that you do on your laptop is like depends on what you're doing on the laptop michael in bed what constitutes work well i've called it work but always lock the door that is really working so let him crack on and so you've got two boys 13 and 16 is that right yes they i don't know how it happened i mean i know how it happened because you know time goes very quickly and i and all the people say that all the time don't they about you know where did it all go but yeah i don't know whether to call them children they have become teenagers and i started doing gigs again. And I think it even ages the audience as well, because they know all my jokes about when they were babies and kids.

I was making jokes about, you know, my wife's pregnancy. And now, you know, they're no longer children. They're sort of teenagers. And, you know, they're not toddlers. We sort of sit around watching Love Island together. And my other son's just got into that age where, which we were hoping would happen where he, well, girls have come into his school. I mean, I haven't talked to him about it,

but he's definitely, you know, he's going to the gym and he started washing his hair without being asked repeatedly and, you know, brushing his teeth. So I think that he's making an effort because that's what girls do, don't they? They suddenly make you do all the things naturally that you've been shouted at to do. And do you find it easy to talk to them about stuff like that? I know I'm going to be very awkward around discussing stuff like that

when my children are teenagers. I've literally just, I haven't brought it up and I have no intention of bringing it up. No, I'm hoping he'll up and I have no intention of bringing it up Now I'm hoping he'll get all the information he needs online I mean I couldn't do it I know, isn't it, because some parents

are amazing aren't they? What about yourselves? Did you sit down, did your parents? No, no I mean even the expression the birds and the bees shows how anxious it is as subject to Tucker We have expression, the birds and the bees, shows how anxious it is as subject to Tucker. We have to talk about birds and bees,

who, as I've been saying, have never had a relationship with each other anyway. That's probably, that's definitely wrong. So birds are shagging bees. That doesn't seem right, Mum. That's terrible advice. I never had any birds and bees. I think my mum gave me a condom once

when I was going out on a night out and I think I was physically sick and cried the stress of that I can imagine so it must be difficult you've written your second book, Autobiography so we better give that a plug but also as well, did you find that you were

reflected in your time of your kids growing up do you talk about the birth of one of your children and you forgetting the car seat and things like that, which I'm sure we'll come on to. So now, writing that book, did you feel like you were like, oh, my God, they are like young men now? Well, it was nice to stop and reflect. You don't have a chance to do that.

You know, you remember the life as it used to be. Do you remember the life before? Yeah. It was all gung-ho and there were things and plans and diaries and then, of course, when everything stops and I think you both had the same solution.

You both wrote books, didn't you as well? Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. We both wrote books and the theatre's a shat. What else are we going to do? I thought it was only me.

I thought it was a great idea. Yeah. Literally every comedian is an author now. Yeah. There's so many books coming out. We shared an audio book recording, didn't we? Well, not an audio book recording, but we were in the same building.

Yeah, it sounded like we sort of read every other word of each other's books. It's your turn now. The morning of the... Yes, we were in the same recording place because I went in... I think this reflects on how sweet you are, Josh. So I went in for the recording and I didn't feel well. I had, you know, like a coffee, you know, all the, not all the symptoms, but a couple of the go-to symptoms.

When you start mentioning it, people like really back away. So I said, I'm not feeling so well. And, you know, the producer was like, you know, trying to open a window and somebody was cowering in the corner. So they got me a test, a lateral flow test, which i don't know how you're with but it's like i mean my my kids are amazing at it because they're used to it now they go to school they're in the throat in the nose and they're out the door for me as soon as i start unpeeling Anyway, so I'm doing all that. Anyway, it comes back and I get the one line,

the satisfying one line. And then they say, oh, Josh is in the next booth. Do you want to go and say hello? So I, for some reason, I took this result to him to show him that I didn't have COVID. But Josh is so sweet that he thought I was showing him that I did have COVID. And not only was I showing him, I was showing him in a sealed booth. And his first reaction was, oh, you poor thing.

Rather than get the hell out of this booth, there is no ventilation in here. You went, oh, no, you don't, do you? Do you remember this? Josh, what was you thinking? I was just thought, you can't throw someone out who's just had that news, can you? You can't twist the knife. Well, that's just very sweet of you not to completely panic.

Like, I think you almost said, come and give me a hug. Do you need a hug? Give me a kiss. Come on. Did you enjoy doing an audio book? Did you find that kind of, because I see you as someone who loves being in front of an audience. And so you're kind of performing to silence that. Well, to one person, to the producer.

As soon as I came to see you i watched a bit and i saw that your producer was laughing and made it a point to tell you she's laughing because you need to know that because you can't hear it it's you know whenever you record anything and no one's laughing because they're told to be quiet and you're always looking for the the crew and the state yeah everyone's giggling and if they're not you start to lose your mind and think you know i'm this is terrible i can't do this. So, yeah, for the first few chapters, I was really worried about this guy

because he wasn't really doing anything. He looked a bit annoyed. He had that, you know, that sort of pre-sneeze face, but he never sneezed. And I thought, oh, my God, this guy hates me. And then we got to a chapter when there was a story about, I think I mentioned a joke I made about herbs and spices in the cupboard. And he went, oh,

we labeled all our herbs and spices in a section of the cupboard called the Mackenshires because of your joke. And I was like, this guy loves me. So then we had to go back and rerecord all the first six chapters, me thinking that he loved me. And I did it a lot better, I think. It's amazing how that confidence really helps. Yeah, totally. Just also how vulnerable we all are as comics.

I just need them to love me. That's why we do it. But, like, in lockdown, I mean, that's one of the things, I suppose, that I did struggle with, is that people don't find me funny in this house. I don't. me funny in this house. I don't. They're not fans. I mean, they've actually openly said they don't like stand up and they don't laugh at anything I particularly say. When it was deep into lockdown and I was really, you know, missing that. I mean, sure, everybody does this. It's sort of, you know, you make quick quips when you're on the telly. And sometimes, isn't that quite funny?

And you look around for a bit of a response. So that was going on for, you know, a couple of months in lockdown. I was getting up. And then I said something and my son laughed and then my wife laughed. And this was like after two months. And then they really got the giggles.

So you know how encouraging that is for a comedian. So I was on a roll. I was doing impressions. I actually felt like I was back. I'm at the O2 arena. All the old juices were flowing. And then I stopped telling jokes, but they carried on laughing. My wife kept

laughing and my son was giggling. To such an extent, I was like, why are they still laughing? What's going on? Anyway, it turned out my testicle was hanging out of my boxer shorts. That's what they were laughing at. My, it turned out my testicle was hanging out of my boxer shorts. That's what it was off of. My ball was hanging out. Oh, God, no.

My son just pointed to it, Dad, your ball's hanging out. It was nothing to do with the jokes. At least you got something for the new tour, though, Michael. You could open with that. No, you've got to close with a bollock. You can't open the show with a bollock. But at that point, that's the only material I had to reveal one testicle. That is also, though, the vision of you in full flow.

Because when you are in full flow, it's a force to be reckoned with. There's impressions, there's energy. You're skipping across the stage. Your fringe is flopping. Your ball's flapping. It must have been an amazing sight. But that was it.

That was the only thing they laughed at. Yeah. And then, you know, I had to take that one on the was the only thing they laughed at yeah and then you know i had to take that one of the jude and then we laughed at that but no um no not not a lot of laughs but i did miss that i did have this thing with the because outside of my family to make people laugh it's only deliveries that was my other opportunity to get a laugh was was the amazon guy and i didn't know the fuck you know they started doing that thing where you open the door was the Amazon guy. And I didn't know.

You know they started doing that thing where you open the door, they need a photo of the package with the door open. So this guy is on the other side of the door and he says, you're going to need to open the door and I need to get a photo. So I thought he wanted a selfie. I thought, of course he does. I'm a big star. I remember that. So I took one ball out just to make. I'm a big star. I remember that. You know?

So I took one ball out just to make sure I got a good laugh. And I walked out of the house and I stood behind him waving and he just took a photo of the package. And he went, oh, my God. Well, how is it with your kids, though? Obviously, you said that they don't you know they don't find you funny and they're teenagers now that you know that no teenager finds their dad funny but what about their friends at school and stuff do you still get attention like that and do they find

that frustrating or do they like it i think they throw that in every once in a while and i enjoy that they'll say you know some sort of which will make for a special i mean that that's me that's my son speaking there that's when you can understand all the words. A lot of the time, a whole sentence. It's a lot of grunting. And then you go, I'm sorry, I didn't get any of that. He'll go, whatever. And then just leave. So that's the extent of a lot of our conversations. But my youngest son, yeah, he'll say that, you know, his friends have seen stuff and I like that, but not so much. Although podcasts are very good because podcasts, you know, people love these. This is huge, this one. People love podcasts. I went to get my visa.

I don't want to mention another podcast. We're all friends. We're all on the same team. Alan Carr's podcast. Oh yes. Yeah. We love Alan. So I had to get a visa. I went yesterday to the American embassy and they give you an interview to see if they want to let you into the country. Basically, it's quite nerve wracking. And they give you a file of everything I've ever done. So it's like Wikipedia and terrible things like that. But, you know, he listened to the Alan Carrs. I heard you on the podcast.

So I was like, thank God I did that. I got you into America. People love these things, don't they? They do. Well, yeah, the embassy is quite stressful. I got you into America people love these things don't they they do well yeah the embassy is quite stressful me and Romesh

had to go there to get our visas for America and basically the form you have it used to be called like an alien form I think it's called

which means that you can go there because you do something that's a bit extra it was like a weird like overblown American thing it's like the alien visa like that

and as we queued up to get in the producer said no jokes no messing about. It's very serious. It's America. I was like, okay.

Then me and Romesh just stood there and she gives Romesh the form and she goes, oh, we used to call you guys aliens. I went, I think you'll find

the term's Asian. He doesn't really like that. And the glare I got from the producer and the zero laugh, I just put my, you know, like a dog's naughty.

They just put their head down and walk. When I went to America to do a gig, I didn't realise that they don't know the expression break America in America because, of course, they're from America. So it's meaningless to them. So when I

told the guy at Immigration I was here to break America, he thought, you know, it was like a threat. It was a big threat. And I made it worse. I was like, I'm going to give it my best shot. And then I had to explain it to him. I mean, even when we go to Disney, I mean, I know, I mean, when the kids were young, I mean, they're in, my son would wear like a big goofy hat and we love Disney t-shirts. We're obviously, we're in a queue full of other people

wearing the same things. And they ask you, it's terrifying. They ask you, what is the purpose of your visit? I'm like, are you serious? And it's the whole of Disney. There's no queue that's more stressful and longer than, this is the most frightening ride of going to Orlando is immigration at the airport.

Terrifying. How does it feel though as well? Because in in your book you write about when you first had your kids you weren't as successful as you are now and things haven't really properly kicked off and stuff so how is it now like do they do they remember that period when there wasn't like the success and money and stuff compared to like now and do you remind them or how does it work or they just they always just used to the lifestyle they have now well they're very grounded and like it's hard for me to say that they've got a normal lifestyle as you look at me sitting in my son's office on his desktop computer apple mac um yeah i don't know they're very grounded i'm just very lucky i think because they're just they're good boys i'm not just saying that they are i think that's the aim and i'm glad it's

happened and i've all credit to my wife who's just a really lovely person an amazing mum but they've just become kids and now they're just like they are like mates i mean they just they're nice i mean occasionally we'll have a flaming row, which I'm not very good at. No. What kind of things kick those off? What's the big, like, bugbear? A lot of it is to do with, you know, devices. There's a lot of the...

But it's hard to discipline your child when you're also doing the thing you're telling them not to do. Yeah. Yeah, of course. We've got this thing where we shout. When someone's on their phone, we'll shout, phony! And then it sort of, like, startles them um or if everyone's on their phone at the table and one person notices they go full

house i mean you tried it in a good game that's a great game the only time i don't look at my phone is on a monday when i get my weekly screen time report that's the only time i can't bear to look oh my god i'm up 17 i mean my son teenager, he goes to sleep looking at his phone. And in a way, I think it's bad. But then, you know, I always used to go to sleep. I don't know if he needs the radio when I was younger or watching TV. I mean, it's just what young people do. But then he'll actually fall asleep.

I don't know if you do this, but I wear my phone so much that sometimes at night I'm scrolling through my phone in bed and then I'll fall asleep and I'll drop the phone on my face, which then wakes me up and I just carry on scrolling. And the same thing happens to my son. We know

he's asleep when we hear a clunk on the ceiling because he drops his phone out of the bed and I'll turn to my wife and go, oh, that's Lucas. He must have nodded off. He's got the phone out of it now. Bang onto the thing. So we argue a lot about that, get off the phone, get off the computer.

It's always on, you know. I mean, we lie to ourselves, don't we, as parents. I don't know if yours do any of this stuff now with the gaming. Ours are a little bit young. I've got a five and a three-year-old. Josh is three and a one. You convince yourself that it's, you know, that it's social because they're talking to each other whilst they're shooting people.

Is it Fortnite and stuff like that? Yeah, Fortnite, I think, luckily he's gone off Fortnite. For a bit, he was completely addicted to Fortnite and that was quite intense. And you can't, because apparently you can't pause it. it so i would say to them you've got to pause the game at dinner pause it i can't pause it i can't it won't pause yeah you can't pause it and then he explained the only way to come out the game is to kill yourself and then there was a period of time when every dinner time my wife and i would shout up the stairs and go ozzy kill yourself it's dinner

what kind of a life is this shoot yourself i've been in your family home and it's a proper family home as well that's kind of you know when you imagine like kind of a big comedian who plays the o2 you imagine like it could be a soulless kind of existence do you know what i mean whereas but it's a proper lovely family home and you try and keep them grounded like that and did you try and create that because it seems just so nice and so your life seems very pleasant michael no it does and i'm sorry to tell you we've now moved into a vast soulless house.

Let me just call my wife on the intercom and see when lunch is ready. Yes, it's the same for everybody, isn't it? I mean, we're living our family lives. This is why we can do what we do because we are thankfully all living the same lives. And when I go and talk about my life and you talk about your lives, the audience relate to it. And I've been asked that question a lot ever since you get you become successful

it's like can you think of anything funny to say that people can relate to I mean obviously there are certain things that I experience that I don't you know I don't have a lot of private jet material for example um I mean I do but I can't share it it's quite a niche quite a niche crowd that one but no those days are over yeah it's just normal stuff isn't it

everyone's doing normal stuff and I suppose the only slither of positivity of this terrible 18 months that we've been

going through is that you know when we properly come out of it I'm quite excited about properly gigging and reflecting humorously on such a shared experience because i've always liked it when

people are going through the same thing i mean even if it's just like a heat wave or you know an election you just drill into that and um you know we're all on the same page or the euros or whatever it might be that's always where I've enjoyed sort of making jokes. Are you going to be all right with the petrol shortage or can the jet fuel up abroad? We talk about panic buying of petrol. I've spent years of my life panic buying inappropriate snacks in petrol stations. I mean, there are things in there that I don't see. I don't see pepper army in shops.

Wheat crunchies. That's not in normal shops I don't see. I don't see pepperami in shops. Wheat crunchies. That's not in normal shops, is it? Wheat crunchy. What even is that? The worst one for me is the scampi fries. Scampi fries are so bad for your breath. Have you had a scampi fry in your life?

Yes, I'm a fan, to be fair, but the breath situation. They taste amazing. Everybody knows that. But it's one of those foods where you have to think about your relationship and whether there's any immediate intimacy in your life. You know, is there any chance of any action over the next few days? Because I'm basically ruling myself out here.

It's a tour snack. That's why it's there for when you're on tour. It's an eight nighter. I don't care. I'm just hungry. And I'm not going home to my wife. I'm going to have a scampi fry. But you sort of have to go into isolation.

The NHS should ping you after you have a scampi fry and tell you to stay on your own for 14 days. I mean, have you ever tried to buy something when you're trying to be healthy or lose weight or anything in a petrol station? Because it's quite hard to know what to go for. Oh, you're better off with a pint of petrol. There's nothing in that shot that's going to be good for you.

Screenwash. With the kids being older now, Michael, do you miss them, the little fun toddler age or are you sort of happy that's over because it was so tiring? You know, all the sleepless nights as babies and stuff. I love the evolution of parenting. I like the fact that

now now we're up early we wake them up i can't imagine that feels like a parallel universe when does that happen teenagers they're crazy i mean they'll just sleep and sleep and sleep so yeah it's an it's not a look at your face just so exciting isn't it that's gonna happen but how long have i got i'm three and one so what 10 years Yeah, it's going to be a bit of a wait. But as I said earlier, it goes really quickly. Just like that, they'll be having a lion. I can start to see why you were touring so much back then and it's sort of eased off now that you get a lion.

Yeah. It's not easy. In the book, you talk about the birth of your son and it doesn't paint you as the most kind of together father, I suppose, would be the way I'd talk about it. Is that a fair summation of it? I'm not a together person. No.

No, I'm a mess of a person. That's always been the case. You know, it's all been completely haphazard. So you're referring to when I was talking about the two jobs that I had, the cord cutting and then to put the car seat in. But I don't know, you, you, so you're at the car seat sort of stage. Yeah. Have they got easier car seat? No. They're so heavy. It's insane. It's like the Atlas stones in World's Strongest Man. They're so heavy. I don't know how they're so heavy. The problem I had was that, well, first

of all, getting the seatbelt in it was one of the hardest things. Also, I never really, I've not ever in my life had enough respect for instructions. I don't know when it happened, but do you remember when the quick start guide came into effect a few years ago? That was a great, that was a great day for me. Who doesn't go for quick start when it comes to this? Who sits there with literally a book this big

in every language in the world and like a two-pager that goes, quick start guide. Who goes, do you know what? I'm going to settle in and do this. I'm going to do it in Japanese. I'm going to go through the hard thing. So yeah, I like to rush.

I'm one of those people who thinks, I can do this myself. I don't need the advice of diagrams. Have you tried the YouTube tutorials? That's an absolute lifesaver isn't it everything somebody it's so nice of them but let's be honest they're they're quite odd people everything in life i mean because really basic i bought something the other day and i couldn't i just couldn't get it out of the package let alone assemble it so i went on youtube and somebody showed me how to just open the packet to everything it's amazing those things isn't it yeah it's so good unboxing is a massive industry

on youtube where they just actually get like like a pack of cards or playing cards and not playing cards but you know like baseball ones or basketball ones and just open the packet and then they just all scream and go ah you know i've got so messy what is that i go i go well that's what my sons do they watch other people opening things it's it's crazy the youtube thing but also they make so much money these youtubers they're actually i've because i've had youtubers on the show and you you know you hear about them and they're just in fact my son the other day wasn't doing his homework he had spanish homework and he was watching youtube i said come off YouTube.

Your life would amount to nothing. You need to do your own work. He said, I could be a YouTuber. I make loads of money as a YouTuber. What do you want me to be, Dad? A Spanish person? And it was a really good point. I don't think Spanish is as important as picking up tips on YouTube.

How are you with children's TV? Have you had the opportunity to meet people you found yourself watching when you were a... I did meet... He's blanked me for many years, but I've got Mr Tumble's phone number. No way! But he's blanked me a lot.

Is he saved as Mr Tumble or Justin Edwards? Of course it's Mr Tumble. Hold on. I believe it. No, there's a few because I went through a phase of whenever I met anyone remotely famous I'd get their number

just because I found it quite fun. Yeah. And some people just never get back to me. Have you text Tumble? Well, yeah, over the years. Go through the correspondence.

What's his name? Maybe it's under Justin Edwards. Oh, Justin Fletcher. You're right. Justin Fletcher, sorry. Justin Edwards is an actor. No, there's a bit of green on his, I'm afraid.

The worst one was Andy Murray. Never, never got back to any of my texts. I mean, there was so much green. It was just endless. But then you surprised him in his bed at midnight. Well, yeah, because I texted him loads and loads of times. He never got back to me. I said, I'm never doing it again.

I don't know how the subject came up. I think with Jonathan Ross. And he went, oh, Andy never texts back anyone. And then Andy Murray won Wimbledon. And Jonathan Ross said, I texted Andy Murray. I was like, oh, you didn't. You didn't fall into that trap again. He texted me back.

I was like, okay, this is my chance. So I texted him back and went, you won Wimbledon. And he still didn't get back to me. You'd think he'd be good at returns, wouldn't you? Yes, then I woke him up in the middle of the night. We had a lot of fun. It was in that place at George's Park, you know, where the footballers go.

He was recovering from an injury. We burst into his room with Ricky Hatton and Jerry Halliwell. He took it brilliantly. He was hilarious. Texted him afterwards. You're such a great sport, Andy. Nothing. Nothing. You were the number. Have you got the wrong number? No, I checked it. texted him afterwards you're such a great sport Andy nothing nothing you're doing fine even then

have you got the wrong number no I checked it I checked it I checked it with his mum when she came on the wheel I was like that's Jelandi's number I checked it with the mum

do you know Joe Swash always when he meets everyone from doing the jungle always gives his mum's landline number because his phone

he's always losing his mobile and it's just easier. So his mum always finds it and goes, Joe, I've got fat on my whip bread on the phone. Are you going around for dinner on Sunday or not? That's so funny. But now you see it when they've read it. That's a different thing.

Yes, that's brutal. It is brutal, isn't it? Murray must have that turned off, hasn't he? His first rule of being Andy Murray is to turn off your red reports if you're blanking everyone. I think athletes give their phone to someone. They're like someone...

Because you don't really look at your phone when you're doing sport, do you? No, you're right. If you go to the gym for an hour, you don't look at your phone really, kind of thing, or if you're playing football, whatever. So if you're doing tennis all day...

If you were watching Wimbledon at the change of ends, they were literally just checking their phones. I mean, I don't think we're looking at a champion here. Michael, you could watch him ignore your text live on TV. If you texted him between games, you saw him look at his phone and go... And where did the bubbles start when you can see that they're thinking?

Yeah, about typing. Because the whole thing is, I don't know if it's just for us as computers, you want people to think that you're quick. You're not just playing that you're quick. You're not just running. You're late. And if there's too many bubbles and the typing goes on for too long, you're like, I'm getting less funny every second. It even takes like a day.

They're like, oh, a day. There's a lot of pressure on the bubbles of the typing and the written. And sometimes when you know you're watching their bubbles, you suddenly realise, oh, my God, that means they can see my bubbles, and then you go off so they can't see yours. The whole thing is very, very stressful. Don't beat yourself up about Andy Murray. Anthony Joshua has given me the same treatment.

He never replies to me. I've had nothing from Ben Stokes, and that's only DM in Twitter as well. He didn't even give me his number. He just followed me on Twitter, and I went straight into his DMs and got nothing twice. It's a hard one.

And it sort of sits with you until you have to realise it's just not going to happen. Because you're still like, you know, when you send someone a text, it's like that sort of like you're opening something until it's replied to. Even if it's just a I do this thing where you go out for dinner with somebody and then it has to follow the system of then you send a text saying wasn't that great fun and until they

say yes it was it's like it just closes off the dinner as a success and sometimes it's like a day and it's like have you texted back and it's like are they thinking was it fun yes you start to question everything that happened maybe i was a bit of a dick. Because you've got all this access to all these celebrities you meet doing your shows, the big show, The Will, for example, every episode there's loads of celebs on there. Have you had to put any favours for your kids, people that they love or want to meet? Have you had to do that where you've not really wanted to?

Well, I'll be honest with you. I don't know if you've noticed these things behind me, but these are the Funkoko pops that my son collects and the holy grail of a funko pop is a signed funko pop so basically we do sometimes you know he'll come to me with like a wish list of like pops he wants to get because i'm doing the show in america if i get this visa today so that's very good for him so we're having like wrestlers on the show and they've all got their pops. Yeah, so you're hosting the American version of The Will,

is that correct, with American celebs? American celebs. So, oh, that's a Funko Pop goldmine. It's basically, yes, everyone's going to have a Funko Pop. He's been rehearsing with me how to go into the dressing room and get them to sign them. Are you going to go pre or post show? I think it'll definitely be pre,

because I think it puts people in a good mood, doesn't it? I'm such a big fan. Can you sign this? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but do you walk in holding it, or do you get it out? So you go in the room, because I've done the World Review, and you come in and you say hello to everyone, and it really puts you at ease and it's exciting, but...

You what? That didn't happen with me. If I open the door and you're holding a Funko Pop of me yeah I think you need to get it out halfway through the chat that's interesting actually because this is the exact discussion I had with my son I said they would be flattered but you're you think it might be creepy especially because they don't know me no I don't think it'd be creepy I just think I would be flattered but I think you need to produce the Funko Pop, not have it on display like a Bible, sort of Salvation Army, sort of Jehovah's Witness.

Oh, yes, you're right. It's a bit of a chat, and it's like, oh, I hope you don't mind. But my son and I love you. We're big fans of yours. Yes. You know, we've got, would you sign? Yes, that's the strategy. What I would suggest is if it's quite a niche Funko Pop

that's a collector's item and you're not really aware of the celeb, don't quickly look at the box to get the name. What's this one? I'm halfway through the conversation. When I worked briefly with a man called David Hasselhoff, he had a pocket full of signed photos of himself and he would hand them to everybody whether they asked or not. Just by walking past, he would just hand them out like he was flyering.

It was just the most absurd thing I've ever seen. He would just, anybody who walked past, he'd go, hey, take one. And they would go, oh, thank you, whoever you are. Thank you, man from 1983. That's strong. Well, that's American confidence, isn't it? Yes. Bravado.

Well, maybe in America it would be good just to go straight to the Funko Pop. But is there a top of the list one that he wants or needs your son? Well, I don't know, really. I mean, he likes, yeah, big actors. I mean, you'd have to ask him. Yeah. I've got a few good ones for him.

I got him Daniel Radcliffe from Harry Potter. That's a big one. Big. I found out that my accountant is the accountant of Tom Hardy, the amazing Hollywood actor who is actually three different Funko Pops. He's Venom, he's Mad Max. Who else would he have?

Oh, and Babe. They should bring out the Tom Hardy from The Big Breakfast Funko Pop. I like that one. So I said to my accountant, look, I'm sorry, but my Aussie collects these things. I'd really like to get it signed. It would be amazing for him for his birthday. So yes, he texted Tom.

Tom was very generous and said, you know, come and meet me. So I sent someone to meet him. He was in a martial arts gym all day. Just exactly what he'd explained. Oh, and you're shuffling in with a Funko Pop. Yeah, I'm shuffling. Oh, and you're shuffling in with a Funko Pop. Yeah, I'm shuffling.

So I didn't go too embarrassed. So I sent somebody to go and get it. But then I wanted to say thank you to Bane, Tom Hardy, who was also like the craze. He was both of the craze. He wasn't just one craze. I think it wasn't both. He was both, yeah.

He was both, yeah. He had a fight with himself huge huge discussions with my wife over what do you give Tom Hardy because you can't I mean we can

discuss it for herself my wife Lou would have offered herself up I think to say thank you I'll go round

Rob don't worry we'll say thanks for the fun because you can't you can't sort of give you can't give flowers you don't give

flowers to a man to Tom Hardy, to the craze, walking out of a martial arts gym, get some flowers. Yeah. So I did actually get chocolates. I think that's right.

That's nice. Who eats chocolates coming out of a gym for eight hours? But think how many cows he's burning. He can eat those chocolates. It's fine if he's... I suppose he's earned it. He's earned it, exactly. I can't imagine him eating chocolate, though.

He looks too serious for chocolate. No, I know. Well, this is the discussion we had. That's why we went round and round in circles. We found it very, very difficult. Because you can't just... I don't know if he drinks. The drinking thing is weird.

You give someone alcohol. I think he likes dogs. He's got a dog. He likes dogs. This is too late, Rob. You can't send a dog toy. He's already got a dog. Oh, right.

No, but like an accessory for a dog, not another dog. That'd be a nightmare You can't send a dog toy. He's already got a dog. Oh, right. He gets him an accessory for a dog, not another dog. That'd be a nightmare. I've got a dog now. Rob, I feel that's quite bad advice. Thank you, Tom. Here's a chewy for your dog. It's dog chocolate. We've got you dog chocolate, Tom.

That is weird. So do you have a dog? No. No, I've got cats. Because I've got your dog chocolate That is weird So do you have a dog? No No No I've got cats Because I've got a dog now And I didn't know about The chocolate does kill dogs

I mean it's really really dangerous What dog did you have? I'm joking Well You mean up until Easter morning? How dangerous is an Easter hunt? That would have been The shortest bubble Typing ever That Easter morning jump You would have been the shortest bubble typing ever, that Easter morning jump.

You would have been proud of that on text. I would hardly have seen the typing. It was so quick. You're right. That wouldn't have got to the second bubble. What dog have you got? I've got a crazy dog. He's officially a Norfolk Terrier,

but he's had some, it's kind of like a recessive gene thing. So he's popped out looking like no other dog there is. He's an exceptionally fluffy dog. So he's a beautiful dog that everyone stops and says, what kind of a dog is that? And then I have to tell this whole, I say the word recessive gene a lot. Every time I go for a walk, I have to say the word recessive gene.

That sounds like one of your characters. Recessive gene. Stay away from recessive gene. She's had a dark past. And where did you get the dog? Were the kids older or were they younger? Have you had the dog a little while? Well, a couple of years ago, I think, maybe coming up for three years. Was it sort of like, rather than a third kid, you get the dog to put you off being tempted for a third? Well, we never wanted a dog. I didn't think I was a dog person.

You know, when you're not a dog person, you just can't see yourself having to be a dog guy with that dog smell, you know, because sometimes my dog will run up to a person and they'll say, oh, you know, he must smell Beverly on me. It's basically you stink of dog. He's smelling your dog all over you. I don't want to smell like a dog. So I didn't like it.

But now, obviously, that's what happens. You get a dog completely fell in love with him. And he's just a very sweet person. And he loves you all day. And he's very fluffy. And yeah, it's going really well. And the kids love him. And he's a great addition, old Mac. He's called McFluffintire, I should tell you his name. Oh, Fluffuffentire that is. So do you just call him Muck for sure? We call him Mac

but he doesn't answer to us because there's a problem he's got a lot of allergies so with dogs the key to their heart is treats so you want them to do something they do it you give them a treat and they think I'll do that again because Cause I get a treat in my house. They never, he doesn't get the treat because he's got allergies. So whenever we go for a walk, he just basically tries to join other families because they have treats. Cause he's like, well, why stay with these guys? They don't give me anything. The poor dog eats this like dry thing called kibble.

He doesn't get the treats and the treats is really not. I mean, I do, I give give them but don't tell my wife but that's i give him a lot of cheese and chicken well i think i just wanted to ask you about the book a bit more michael because i feel like i feel like we just talked there we go you've got a copy of it a funny life i'm really enjoying it it's also what i'm enjoying i'm watching reading in pdf which is not an enjoyable way to read a book no you're right it's also what i'm enjoying i'm watching reading in pdf which is not an enjoyable way to read a book no you're right it's not i've got the actual book it's a fun book both of your books can we plug each other's books your books are amazing guys thank you thank you michael

we are mentioned in your book as well you were very uh you were very excited about telling me that me and rob and romesh get a mention well I was actually in the, when we were in the audio book and I said, oh, you must be in the book. So I searched it up. And then I did offer you, you're in a list form, I think, of comedians who are performing at one of my charity shows. And I did give you the option.

I said, if you would like me to bump you up the list. I couldn't do it. I couldn't live with it. I said, I'm here what was the list? it was who'd done Michael's Christmas charity show

and me you and Romesh were in it yeah so who was it was I above Josh Josh above me

I don't know what order it was in look I've got to be honest it wasn't alphabetised it was the natural order that came from my mind oh no this is exciting

oh god but do you know what there's nothing wrong with bronze there's nothing wrong with bronze I would have asked It was the natural order that came from my mind. Oh, no. This is exciting. Oh, God. But do you know what? There's nothing wrong with bronze. There's nothing wrong with bronze. I would have asked to go to the top if you'd asked me that. Yeah, I mean that. Of course you would. I would have asked you to put Rob Beckett and some others.

Yeah. Rob Beckett et al. The bit in there though That made me laugh Was the chicken pox The chicken pox When you was on a holiday In paradise And your kid got chicken pox

Yeah he did You know we were in the In Mauritius Doesn't matter who you are Or where you are Chicken pox will get you With kids Yeah we got stuck on holiday

And he just came out In a terrible All over him Spots And yeah And then of course You're on Google and you're looking up and apparently if you bathe in porridge, in oatmeal, it's very soothing because he was very

itchy and he was crying. So I had an argument with my wife about, I wanted to wait till breakfast because it was part of the, you know, breakfast was included in the meal plan. And I thought I could get some at breakfast, but if we order now, it's going to be on the bill. Meanwhile, he's crying in the corner, covered in spots. They very kindly bought us a baby bath and the oatmeal. And it was a lovely moment. And he got into the baby bath and he stopped crying and spots all over his face, poor little thing. Anyway, after a period of time, took him out the bath

and I just threw it over the balcony without even thinking. I just threw the infused with chicken pox, baby bath, literally on top of some, uh, honeymooning couple on the rocks. I mean, I could, it was like, when you do something bad, you see it in slow motion. I was like, if I'd aimed, oh, fuck. If I'd aimed, I couldn't have got them any better. Oh, God.

Anyway, they never saw me. I sort of hid. Of course. I hid for the rest of the holiday. Oh, no. When's the book out, Michael? A Funny Life. I love the picture on the front.

I don't know how you've contorted your face. I've never seen your face go like that. I know. I've got a slight secret about that picture. I don't know. What's the form? Do you tell secrets on a podcast? Yeah, this is the place to do it. I love this photo.

They sent me this photo. And they mocked it up on different colours. And I was like, we love it. And my wife liked it, which is always the key. And then when I was looking at the credits for the photo, there's two photographers. And I was like, I had two photographers? Apparently it's two different photos, they told me.

Oh, pushed together. What, a cut and shot? I know, it's too much to bear. But I can make that face. I mean, I don't know. Oh yeah, you can do it. But that's from two separate photo shoots. How can it be?

I don't understand. And maybe it's more than two. I think the hair is from another one there's wow you're like one of those things where you draw a bit of the face and then you fold it over and then someone else draws a different bit it's like one of those things i don't think i think it's quite interesting about it because it doesn't matter that it's you're not you're not tricking anyone you're not like no it's definitely me it's just me on two two different i can't believe it could be me on two different i don't know what's going on i'll

look into it but anyway i think you can say that i think that's quite interesting because then you'll see you'll look for it in the shop then it's really good marketing also michael everyone who's listening to this has just googled the cover of your book it's the perfect marketing amazing and i have to say the best way to see the join is to buy it and read it in its entirety. That's the ultimate marketing trick. Oh, look, you must buy it. No, thank you for turning that into a positive. And I look forward to, after this, texting you to say that that was fun

and then waiting for a day while you don't reply. Having said that, I might do an Andy Murray and never reply. How do you feel about that? We'll see how it goes. We've got one last question, Michael, we always end on, which is, is there one thing that your partner does, parenting-wise, that annoys

you, but you don't really bring it up because you don't want to row? Is there a way that you sort of clash on a parenting approach? Is there one little thing Kitty does? As Red, she's an amazing mum and has done an incredible job. However, is there one thing that you always go, oh, don't do that one? I suppose it annoys me, but it annoys her.

It annoys us both. We aren't very good at following through. We're big on the threats. It's a threat-based parenting lifestyle. Yes, me too. You know, we're the kind of people that when they were young and you go, you start counting to five and like one, two. But in my head, I'm thinking if if I reach five, I'm fucked.

Because I have no plan. I have no plan for five. Three. And then of course there's four and one, ten. Because you're just waiting. I have nothing. Michael, thank you so much. Good luck with the book, A Funny Life.

When's it out? Is it out now or October? The 14th of October. 14th of October. Yeah. And. When's it out? Is it out now or October? The 14th of October. 14th of October. Yeah. And when are your books out? Mine was out last week. Mine's out the 14th of October as well.

Head to head, Michael. Whoa. Whoa. It's a big week for Danny Julian. Thank you so much, Michael. It's been a pleasure, Michael. All right. Bye.

Bye. Thanks. Good luck. Cheers, mate. Cheers, Michael. It's been a pleasure, Michael. All right. Bye. Thanks. Good luck. Cheers, mate. Cheers, mate. Bye. Michael McIntyre. Always good value on McIntyre, isn't he?

Yeah. There's a reason why he's where he is, because he's just funny. He's a very funny guy. He would be in America as we speak. Yes. Good luck with the will, McIntyre. He does really well over there. He's played Radio City Music Hall and stuff like that and uh yeah i know he's a he's a brilliant act you can imagine they

love him in america right because so it is exactly how they imagine english people yeah do you know i'm always thinking like how i'd get on over there because it's very much i don't think they're very they've had like russell brand they've got mary poppins do you know what i mean so they imagine yeah but i'm a chimney sweep. Also, you know, go and live in LA. It's quite nice and warm, isn't it? I hated it.

Four days. Worst place I've ever been. I don't want to have to drive everywhere. As proven by Tuesday's episode. Not with the state of your car. Not with the state of my car. It's a lot of driving in LA. Anyway, good luck, Michael.

And yeah, we'll be back on Tuesday with another episode. Bye.