Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP29: Faking a hamster's death...

Episode Date: October 19, 2021

S03 EP29: Faking a hamster's death...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghell Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's, at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell withosh with a gun and rob beckett good work there we go that's a nice one yes hi rob and josh hope you're both well i'm loving

the podcast and blame my other half that i was late to the party. He kept saying he listens to the dad's podcast. So I never thought much of it until my friend mentioned I should listen to Parenting Hell. And he then announced that's what he meant. Thanks, Felix. Oh, he got the name wrong. The dad's podcast. Do you know what? Originally, we did kind of see it as just dads, didn't we, Rob?

Well, because we were dads. We were dads. We were dads. We didn't realise. We still are. We didn't realise that, you know, that women would be interested in our boring, boring lives. When I look at the nurturing of a child, I don't see gender.

I just see parent. Do you know what, Rob? I would say the same, but my daughter, we haven't, you know, you try your best to not, you know, buy her pink clothes etc it is fucking insane it's like a compulsion it's like she's been brainwashed like kids and where is it it's mad sorry it is it is like and i like girls my daughters are just before they even really watched teddy or had ipads or went to school or anything like that immediately buggy and pink both of them you could just gotta let her express herself but

fucking hell how can you be that into unicorns and rainbows oh yeah come on you little cliche think for yourself if you were writing a script you'd go this is a bit on the nose this is a bit it's a bit route one this isn't it come on come when's this going out really unicorns and pink what's the boy like is it or cars it transformers and dinosaurs classic she's got three mates and we saw them on saturday more mates than you i know exactly mate exactly she's got a better social life than i have i'll tell you that for free we'll come to that i used to think when they go like oh so and so won't talk to anymore and i'd be really like you when you first worry about that don't you at school oh my god what if so and so's not going to talk to me they leave them out now that happens so much

with so many different people i just sort of like yeah i don't care i'm sure it'll sort itself out it always does well she tells me i'm not her best friend or coming to her party once every two days. So I'm sure that other people are getting the same treatment. I hope they are. If it's just me. That's brutal, isn't it? Just that. Yeah.

I'm bloody paying for it, mate. Right. So I'm up to series two and just listened to Jessica Knappett. Anyway, I regularly listen in the car with a toddler in tow and he started repeating your names on the intro. So here's our little recording. Recorded in the car at a at a standstill obviously at the end of my granddad's road enjoy from louise felix and sebastian cherry and then she's done a cherries emoji which is a real bonus of having the surname cherry i imagine having your own emoji yeah sebastian cherries are great

sebastian cherry sounds like when waitrose release a new cherry, but need to add another quid to the price. It's a Sebastian cherry. Have you had a Sebastian cherry? I have actually, Rob, and it was bitter. How are you this morning? I'm good. I'm very good. Kids are fine. I'm very busy. I don't want to book bore people because we do talk about having a book out. Thank you to all the people that bought it. It's doing pretty well. So thank you very much. But I feel a bit like a film star on a junket, Josh. I've never experienced this kind of full on, because it's not like a tour PR. You mocked me for my junket life, Rob, and now you're living it yourself.

It's nonstop, isn't it? Well, it will stop in about a week. Yeah, when no one cares about my book ever again. But at the moment, it's quite busy. in about a week. Yeah. When no one ever, no one cares about my book ever again, but at the moment it's quite busy. But what a week it was Rob. What a week it was going to Cheltenham and having a cold pizza before I did a gig. This is quite funny.

So I did last night, I did a book event in Bromley because basically the book's about class and it, so they keep sending me to Henley on Thames and Cheltenham. It's about class in it is the absolute perfect sound. And I. I thought well what's the point of writing a book about class and about sort of not having access to certain things in the

arts and in comedy and I the working class bloke keeps going to Henley and Cheltenham so I did a book event at Bromley in the Churchill Theatre because I don't think they do many book events there. Anyway I did that. I went out and went, give me a cheer if you've been to a book event before.

No one cheered. Give me a cheer if you know this is a book event. No one cheered. Give me a cheer if you've read my book. No one cheered. So I did have 500 people wanting a full stand-up gig, but they got a chat about my book. Did you at any point think,

fuck this, I'm just going to stand up and do some stand-up comedy? Yeah, I did, but I was being interviewed by Emily Dean and i just felt that would be very unfair on her to sort of just stand behind me yeah that would have been awful wouldn't it yeah oh sorry someone at my front door oh no do you want to go and answer it um they're in there i've got to open the side gate sorry mate one second it's all right yeah sorry about that i i got interrupted my window cleaner was here josh oh well don't clean my windows i know i've changed i mean have you changed i have changed i just yeah i don't clean my windows he's good actually he's got a long pole that gets to the top ones rather than

walking on the extension and breaking all the slats oh that's good what am i talking about yeah josh let's talk about your week for a bit. I've had too much coffee. My head hurts. Have you? Yeah, I've had a big one. I gulped it down when you were doing Felix's intro. When do you stop junketing, Rob?

Generally. Not completely. When do I stop junketing? I never. I'm always junketing, mate. Right, so I had last week, I had TalkSport, Chris Evans. I've done Zoe Ball. Who do you do on TalkSport?

Alan Brazil and Ray Parler. It was three seconds before they went, week i had talk sport chris evans i've done zoe ball who do you do on talk sport alan brazil and ray parla um it was three seconds before they went rob what do you think of our teta i felt like saying what do you think about my fucking book i'm not you know i'm not here promoting arsenal mate i hate it when that happens you should try doing who do you think you are mate then you fucking don't get to talk about your book that is an unbelievable turn of events in your interview so we're going to start by talking about who do you think you are? Really? Oh, I'm on The One Show tonight.

This is Monday recording this. Oh, yeah. And Josh was on Who Do You Think You Are? And he's related to King Henry VIII. Do you want to talk about that? No, I fucking don't. Oh, come on, Rob. Give me a fucking shout.

I need it. I'm not talking about him. It's about me. I'll say that on the telly as well. Anyway, so I've got The One Show and I've got Lorraine and I've got Jonathan Ross and a about him. It's about me. I'll say that on the telly as well. Anyway, so I've got The One Show, and I've got Lorraine, and I've got Jonathan Ross, and a few interviews. It's all good. It's all good.

I'm not complaining. It's quite busy. But, yeah, the kids. I'm still up with the kids early in the morning, though. That's why I'm really coffeed off my nuts at the moment, John. Oh, really? You don't drink coffee. You just have tea, don't you?

Just have tea. Keep it on an even keel. I'm trying to look at my notes. I've got loads to talk about here, but I can't read any. You know, eager eyes don't work. All right, well, shall I start? Yeah, go on. I was on Who Do You Think You Are?

What happened? You just go for your week, then mine. Oh, God. I don't feel like you're in a mood for listening, Rob. I feel like you need to get some of your chest. I feel like it'd be performing to one of those awful coked-up audiences that you get in a mood for listening rob i feel like you need to get some of your i feel like it'd be performing to like one of those awful coked up audiences that you get like a late show and you're like oh god they're edgy right okay look we know each other well now

let me burn myself out then i'll ask you yeah exactly okay here we go you're like a dog that needs walking i'm a dog that needs walking let me run and then i'll sleep oh let's talk to you about a dog that needs walking well yeah first run and then I'll sleep. Oh, let's talk to you about a dog that needs walking. Well, yeah, first things first. I'm getting this whipping out. And this dog, Chad. Have you not got it? No, I get it in two weeks.

Your bloody wife's putting up pictures on her Instagram of it. Yeah, I know. Do you have meetings with it, like when you're adopting? We go in once a week so the girls get used to it because it's only 10 minutes away. Right. So that's what we're doing. Because normally a puppy's always four hours. I don't know what it is. Everyone wants to get a puppy. It's always it's always staffordshire in it we had to go and get the puppy four hours

anyway so what is annoying me josh is people thinking that i've got a connection with them now because i'm going to own a whippet and they love whippets i am a man with a dog my personality is not whippet okay no i just want to make that clear if you've got a whip it good for you i've got a whip it as well we won't be friends we might be but it's not going to be because of a whip it will you acknowledge you know like when beetle drivers go past each other and they acknowledge each other are you aware of this phenomenon look i feel like i've got myself in a whole weird world of new rules socially because i've got to have a whip it so i think yeah if you've got a whip it i'll give of new rules socially because I've got to have a whippet.

So I think if you've got a whippet, I'll give you a nod. Maybe have a quick chat. But when people go, oh, yeah, you've joined the whippet gang. No, I haven't. You have joined the whippet gang. You are a man. I'm not part of a gang. I hate being part of something, Josh.

I'm a free spirit. I'm a lone ranger. I'm a rebel without a cause. Yeah, you're a man with a whippet. That's rebel without calls yeah you're a man with a whippet that's what you are i'm a man with a whippet and then people are messaging me as whippets that their owners have created on instagram talking to me as a whippet you sure that's not the whippets no no it's as a whippet type the claws are too long for the speed no the like this is an example of it would a whip its feet work on an iphone i mean

i'll find out when i get my whip it yeah if you could just check that one for us check that with the president of your club this is on look just drop in and say hello i have three golden rules for my hooms for my what my hooms this is a dog that's got an instagram account and and i think it's a person pretending to be their dog right and now they're talking as the dog to me i reckon there's two months until your whip it's got an instagram account rob let's just all be honest about it now well i was thinking actually maybe i could monetize the whip here the same way joey essex did with his cat that looked like a cheater joey essex said right obviously i don't know about that okay joey essex right who i think is a genius yeah he had a shop

right um selling clothes Fusey I think it was called and then he'd been the shop and people used to go to the shop to have a selfie with Joey Essex and meet Joey Essex right however that meant he couldn't go and do other things and people would be disappointed at the shop so what he did was he had this pet cat that looked like a you know them like really pretty cats look a bit like a cheetah the amazing markings right yeah yeah're expensive, right? They get kidnapped a lot. Right. Well, not kidnapped, stolen. Catnapped.

Yeah, catnapped. And anyway, he used to put that on Instagram and it had its own account. And then people would go and have a photo with the cat. Oh, wow. So maybe I could make the dog a celebrity dog. The dog could do your tour for you. Yeah. Or that could be the encore.

The dog comes out anyway. And they were like, we're here for stand-up, not a fucking book talking a dog come on mate it'll be the dog talking about my book by the end of the year i'll just be at home with my feet up um but yeah so that's i'm a little bit stressed by that i don't really want my personality to be dictated by what dog i've got no of course you don't i don't want to be a dog but i don't want to be a dog but i'm a person with a dog yeah i don't think you're a whippet person anyway rob no I mean I don't think whippet is your personality no also whippets are quite good because it's not I'm not a big fan of Great Danes I think if you've got a Great Dane your banter's weak right yeah let me just google a great I'm so bad with dogs that whenever anyone

mentions them I don't really know which one they're talking about what Great Dane a big massive dog oh that's a big dog it's too big i just sort of think it's a personality dog in it i don't like a big dog rob who are you oh i've got a great dane that's my life do you know what i mean because if you've got a great dane that's your life yeah and it don't you think yeah when do you get the dog two weeks yeah a couple of weeks just in time for firework night that'll sell it in nice wouldn't't it? Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely. Another thing. I'm burning myself out here, Josh.

We're getting to your week. Harris is a name. It's not short for Harrison. I've had a number of angry Scottish people approach me in the street. Right. About this. Harris is a name. It's a first name, apparently.

I've never heard of it, and I think they're lying. How much walking around the street do you do, Rob? Loads. You're constantly being approached by people taking up issues with the podcast. I know. It's non-stop. Someone in the Q&A last night asked me a question. And I've got a question.

Just to let you know, we actually love the podcast. And Josh is our favourite. And everyone cheered. What? And then expected an answer. Oh, wait, that's not a question. Well, I got in stoke. I got bring on Beckett at one point.

That was unbelievable. Oh, that's brutal, isn't it? What did you respond to that? Got the phone out. Because it was when someone had shouted out something from the podcast, no one understood what it was. And then I had to explain what the podcast

was. Oh, God. In my supposedly very successful podcast, I'm explaining to my own fucking audience in a theatre what it is. It looks so needy. But if the next time they say bring on Beckett, do an impression of me, be like, oh, in a theatre what it is. It looks so needy. Oh, dear. But if the next time they say,

bring on Beckett, do an impression of me, be like, oh, call Blimey fucking hell, or might get out of jail free card. If they shout for you or Romesh, I always go, they go, where's Romesh?

Where's Josh? I go, you don't get Josh and me for this price on a Saturday night in Halifax. Oh, well, there we go. Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's a good, it's a good, it gets a laugh.

Particularly if you're in Halifax, it really works. Yeah, I did that in Stoke last night. It didn't Oh, well, there we go. Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's a good, it's a good, it gets a laugh. Particularly from Halifax, it really works. Yeah, I did that in Stoke last night. It didn't go down well, but, you know, I'm working,

I'm working. It's always a working process. Right, Josh, I've got big issues. I've had an absolute howler with the kids. Yeah. This is what's happening.

You know, we've got a hamster. No. I panic bought a hamster. So you, what the, you've got, you've got a cat and a dog and a hamster now.

And sea monkeys. And sea monkeys. And sea monkeys. No, I haven't got sea monkeys, but I do want sea monkeys. Yeah, yeah. They are banter, aren't they? I've got a hamster. I bought a panic bought a hamster in lockdown one. Oh, yes, I do remember this.

And I got it out. It bit me. It hasn't been a big narrative on this podcast. No, because I got it out to play with. It nearly took my whole finger off. Then I popped it back in the cage. And he's been there for two years. Oh, what's he called?

Woody. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so we need space in the front room to put the dog cage in, right? So really, we could do with this hamster. Hamster cage. Fucking hell, dogs are an effort, aren't they? Jesus. Oh, they call it a crate.

It's a fucking cage, right, with a cushion in it. Right, so we're getting the dog crate and i need to put it somewhere and we've got this big hamster cage i was chatting to my mate i was i don't know what to do my mate luckily jack uh hopefully his daughter's not listening to this he's he wanted to get hamsters with daughter and i went why don't you can have our hamster if you want the hamster's probably got about two months left but when he dies you get a new one you can have the cage and all the stuff because we don't we need to get rid of it perfect he wants that we want that i'm cleaning it up and i'm giving it to him now i've got to tell the kids we're getting rid

of the hamster so i'm contemplating faking a hamster's death no kids have got to learn about death how are you going to fake it rob i'm just going to say oh sad news girls the hamster because we've got to tell them this in about three months time because he's he's so old now he'd only lived for two years right do that yeah don't you. Don't you? Oh, what a life. So I think I'm going to have to fake his death and just go, look, the hamster's dead. And then we're going to have to do a fake burial. I don't know if that's more traumatic. Won't they ask to see the body

to pay their respects? What kind of sicko kid do you think I've got? It's not a fucking true crime drama. See the body? What do you want, the post-mortem? What was it, Dad? Bollocks. Their bollocks get massive though and they do crush them. Do they? Yeah, it's disgusting whatortem? What was it, Dad? Bollocks. Their bollocks get massive, though, and they do crush them. Do they? It's disgusting what he's got there.

I'm going to be opening it. He's not far off the size of my balls. Really? Yeah. And how big's he compared to his balls? I'd say... What percentage is the hamster his ball? 30.

Fuck it, Al. What an image. And 12% is his teeth. He's basically me. You can't fake a hamster's death. Exactly. That's the opposite of what people do with their pets. Everyone else has a story about their child

when their pet died and they were lied to that hadn't died. You're the only one who's inserting a harrowing death into your children's lives. It's absolutely insane. So then that was the plan. But then this morning I said, oh, girls, you know, the dog's coming soon. So, you know, when you start.

Just let the dog kill the hamster. Let him chase it. Get the speed up. So then I was like, sometimes being married and having kids is like being part of a political party isn't it you're going to be challenged at all points but you need to have a strategy and you know you need to work out what the party line is don't you yeah stick to it so that's we were chatting about the party line and i for no reason i was tired this morning just went solo and freestyled hey girls just so you know um because we need space for freddie's crate you know the

hamster needs to go somewhere so we're gonna let the hamster go and live with jack and chloe yeah the youngest sort of laughed i went oh going on holiday i was like yeah if you want to call it that and then the eldest broke down in tears and got distraught and then lou came down what's going on i went oh i've sort of mentioned that the hamster's gonna go what have you said i went i don't really know. I just sort of said we're just going to give it away. She went, why did you say that? We hadn't worked out what we were going to tell him.

So she's distraught. I went, oh, sorry. And I went, I've got to go now because I've got to do the podcast. And she went, oh, brilliant. Oh, my God. Amazing. She was taking them to the creche. Oh, my God.

They haven't been to the creche for ages. And they do like it, but they get a bit funny going in. So now she's got a crying child. She needs to drop at the creche. She's just been told I'm giving her hamster away. And I sat there going, what the fuck have you done oh my god i tell you should have backtracked and go all right we're not gonna give him away but if he dies in two weeks oh god on your head be it but then if he does die i don't think i've faked it but even

though it is dead oh god they're not they're not gonna spot these i'm gonna have to find another one to give away do you think you're gonna keep the hamster no he's coming next friday he's going he's going he's out we just go we need space the hamster will get a bit but then i didn't want to go the hamster would be scared he's coming next Friday. He's going. He's going. He's out. We need space. The hamster will get a bit scared. And I didn't want to go, oh, the hamster will be scared of the dog, because then I think the kids will be scared of the dog then. I don't want to feel like this dog's going to come in, like, racking up stuff, like some sort of terror.

You say hamsters and dogs don't get on, like, historically. They've always hated each other. Yeah, or no, the hamsters eat dogs. Yes, exactly. Hamsters eat dogs. Exactly. Maybe I'll do that. But basically, I'm having a bit of a crisis. That isn't ideal, Rob. Hamsters eat dogs. Exactly. Maybe I'll do that. But basically, I'm having a bit of a crisis.

That isn't ideal, Rob. That isn't ideal. It's not ideal. I've got other stuff if you want it. Do you want other stuff? Go on, go on, go on. Tell me about your week. Parents' evening.

Oh, yeah. Via Zoom. Via Zoom, this was. Ten minutes. You only get ten minutes. And then it cuts off. It's like the Hunger Games. You get beans.

Do they just hang up on you? Yeah, it's all set on a computer. And it's basically going, oh, it's on a countdown. Yes, it's horrible it's like it's the hunger games you get beans they just hang up on you yeah it's all set on a computer and it's basically oh it's on a countdown yes it's horrible that is insane and also in 10 minutes it's just enough time for the teacher to tell you what's going on right yeah then you just need two minutes to ask a question each and then get an answer and anything and they are very responsive on email and in person so any reservations you have it's fine but i think if you've just done it to 12 minutes then that way you get the 10 minutes information then there's two minutes of questions and then that's fine i think but because you never get any questions in anyway it's so funny though because we've gone yeah um she's doing really well like socially she's you know friendly with

everyone plays with everyone's really good and academically she's doing well this is all good this is all good and it was all positive you know when he's building up to negative right yeah and also this is like the first because year reception they just sort of get him in and just make him stop like shitting themselves and crying basically year one's when they start teaching him stuff right yeah so i'm a bit worried because this is when you sort of start to know what they'll be like i think with schooling anyway but there's one thing i do need to bring up that is is becoming an issue and you're like, oh, God. I'd love it if that's when the 10 minutes are kicked in. And doom, power down. That's what, if I was a teacher, I would do that.

At 9.55 on everyone, I'd go, oh, also, I've got to mention this huge issue. Yeah, exactly. Well, luckily we had time. See you in 2022, loser. Yeah, see you. And you never find out each year. We're on Zoom again. Why? Why um do you think if you go to the live parents evening they're like bring down a curtain or something at exactly 10 minutes to get you to move on that'd be fun or what i might

do is when in person at 10 minutes i'm just gonna stand up and walk off whatever's happening yeah i'm gonna put the clock in front of him and then just stare at him and then just get up and walk off whatever's happening yeah i'm gonna put the clock in front of him and then just stare at him and then just get up and walk off just put your finger softly on his lips rob shh you said you said enough it's okay she's okay it's okay she's okay um anyway so it was all sort of good but it was building up to a negative when i've got to speak to you about this and i think it is quite important i think it's something that needs to be resolved and it is becoming an issue i was like oh god oh when he said that my stomach oh god how did you feel at that point stomach dropped through the floor yeah it's an issue that needs to be resolved and it's affecting her every week and she's getting

a little bit upset it's something that really needs to be resolved to improve her schooling her dad is slagging her off on the podcast yeah It was that, right? The thing is, she went, funky jazz on a Monday. Pardon? She went, she doesn't enjoy funky jazz on a Monday. What? Fine. Yes, funky jazz is gone. I thought you was going to tell me she can't read all right.

All that build up. So she told her to do funky jazz. What is funky jazz and after school class? Yeah. She does basically school and then she does ballet and then straight into Funky Jazz. And I went, I wouldn't want to do Funky Jazz at 4 o'clock on a Monday either. So she's just doing ballet now and not Funky Jazz.

But I thought that I was going to have to take her out to school and find somewhere else. That's absolutely brilliant. What does that mean? Did you just pick her up an hour earlier? Yeah, which is fine. It's no drama at all. Not the end of the world.

No Funky Jazz at all. Do you think the teacher was genuinely nervous about telling you no i just think because i had such terrible parents evening right i am going in there with pain memories of my own childhood so i will jump to the worst case scenario ever but all he said is yeah it needs to be resolved basically you can take those words in two ways and if you're coming from a negative point of view you'll take it as the worst but like you say a classic anxiety i'm anxious and the reality is always not as bad as the anxiety tells you and it was fine but it was i was there going oh and i was like fine yeah funky jazz don't worry about it mate gone it's gone and lou was like but we bought the shoes i was like

she did not because you were doing Parents' Evening via Zoom, did that mean you could have a glass of wine while you did it? Yeah, you could, but I think you drink too much, Josh. I can barely drink, but I just thought that'd be a nice... People at the Cheltenham Festival said you were pissed signing all those books.

Yeah, I was. I had a great time. Partly because I hadn't eaten because the roulade was too heavy. Right, what's been up with you, Josh? Oh, you know, life, life, etc. So it's birthday season again. My daughter's birthday. She's only just had her birthday, hasn't she?

No, she had a party in the summer because her birthday was in lockdown. So we said she could have a party, Rob. Oh, sorry. Yeah, because she had it in the park. Yeah, I get you. So she's got another one coming up for her actual birthday. Yeah, but there's two other kids, two of her friends who've got the exact same birthday as her, so it's absolute birthday season.

That's horrible. Right, it's great, Rob. Oh, is it? I love a child's birthday. Do you not love them? They're genuinely the best social events of my life. Okay, right. They're the best social events of my life okay right they're the only social events of my life okay josh come back to me when they're in a full primary class and you have to invite everyone in the class yeah but rob there's an entertainer there they do the gig for

you at the moment you're cultivating her birthday party what do you mean you do have everyone from her preschool well we did in the summer yeah we had everyone from our class okay we don't do it our house i'm gonna throw out there i hate children's birthdays and if i could avoid them forever i like mine see my kids i love it i am a fan of a drop off drop and go drop them at their house they sort them out you pick them up two hours later that's my dream afternoon going in and experience the party. Kill me. Maybe you don't like the other parents, Rob.

That's the problem. I don't mind them. Sometimes I go with them to a pub around the corner. I like that. Well, that's nice. But the actual 20 kids running about going mental, not for me.

Not for you. Sorry, Josh. Well, I, I'm not going to lie. I had the time of my life again, as always on Saturday. It wasn't even my daughter's birthday. It was one of her friend's birthdays to lie. I had the time of my life again, as always, on Saturday.

It wasn't even my daughter's birthday. It was one of her friend's birthdays. Okay. I mean, it was the third time I'd seen that entertainer in six months. Still enjoying it? It's still good gear. It's still good gear, even when you've seen it three times. The kids don't even notice.

She absolutely smashed it, as per always. Well, what is her vibe? Like her own thing, or she dresses up? Dressed as a kind of generic, colourful entertainer. So, spotty dress. Colourful entertainer sounds like Jim Davidson. Yeah, there was a lot of blue. But do you know what, Rob?

She's saying what we're thinking. That's what I like about it. She's speaking truth to the situation. I'm sorry it doesn't fit in with your stiff neck agenda, but, you know, there's things that people want to hear and she's happy to say the situation i'm sorry exactly in with your stiff neck agenda but you know there's things that people want to hear and she's happy to say them oh totally mate and i it's just some of these things that she was talking about she's right they're not natural but and she's doing accents in a light-hearted way and the kids love it if anything it's a it's a it's a sign of respect

oh it's this poor entertainer. For the record, this entertainer is not racist or sexist. No, not at all. No, no, no. By colourful, I mean colourful dress. A laugh. Like a kind of Mad Hatter style hat. Yes.

Okay, fair enough. Lots of playing music, lots of games, lots of balloon modelling. Bish bash bosh, job done. Yes, because sometimes you can just get a divorcee in an Elsa costume and that's not what you want yeah exactly no it wasn't that

she wasn't in an Elsa costume she doesn't get booked for three children's parties in six months on the Clapton birthday scene without doing a good job does she she's dominating the scene

Josh she's dominating it well the one we've got next week he's on his third appearance of the year as well to be honest I've got a feeling there's only two children's entertainers in the Hackney area.

What do they do? Beat poetry and hemp. Sew hemp bags. Well, that's what you think. But they're not old school. But actually, when it comes to your children's parties, you have to go with what they want rather than yourselves. And that is really disappointing. I've never seen a kid be a hipster.

Let me send you this. This is what my daughters keep drawing and putting in our room. Can you see that? It's a cock and... Is it a penis and bum? Yep. They've written bum and drawn a bum. And they've written bits, but got the S and the T around the way.

So it's pissed. They've written bits and they've drawn a knob. Yeah. She's drawn an actual knob, but the little hole drawn a knob yeah she's drawn an actual knob but the little hole on the end she's drawn an actual knob yeah she's it's quite graphic it's really graphic and she's done it on a post-it so it looks like things she needs to remember the oldest draws them and gives them to youngest and they go i've got a delivery so she's dropped she's walked in with two post-it notes one of a dick with a hole in which is too graphic but they're obsessed if i

go away they're obsessed with seeing the we where the we comes from kind of thing oh really yeah but i'm like go away so i've been locking the door but they find it so they find bits so funny but they can't draw that she's only five she's drawing a dick she's drawing a dick rob i had this through as well the other day you know when they um they saw that piss written in my book? Yeah. Someone on Instagram messaged me. Their daughter was playing on a tree, right? Yeah. And there was a naughty word that sort of scraped into the tree. They scraped into it, come.

Someone had scraped come into the tree, and their daughter was reading it. So let me try and find this for you. Where is it? I'll change it to the photo, and I'll play this. Listen. Come. Pardon? Come.

Did you just ask what it's spelled? Yeah. It's like, come here. Did you hear that? Yeah. Come. It's awful, isn't it? Amazing. The kids learn to read. I'll show you what was carved into the tree that that young child was climbing Come. It's awful, isn't it? Amazing. The kids learn to read.

I'll show you what was carved into the tree that that young child was climbing on. Let's have a look. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Horrible, isn't it? People are awful. Why? That's obviously a teenager.

Why are people so awful? I understand why you'd carve a cock into a tree. It looks funny, doesn't it? Yeah. And I'd even argue, funny, doesn't it? Yeah. And I'd even argue, yeah, do it spanking. Do a couple of little divots in the wood. Maybe there was meant to be more to it, Rob. Maybe they were disturbed while they were doing it.

Or they were bloody disturbed. Maybe they were, like, disturbed. But why would you carve cum into a tree? Well, maybe they were going to do some more stuff. Like, maybe it was part of a bigger piece, but then someone turned up and they had to run. So it's half finished. It does feel like they need to return to finish the job because the penis

isn't even as graphic as the one your daughter drew. What's really horrifying about the penis my daughter's drawn is the little hole at the end. And she's done the bell end. Yeah. That's really, that's too much. I think,

I don't know if I need to go take her to a doctor's or something. What's interesting about it is you say that obviously they're interested in your penis. So now... Stop with that. You can't say that. They're interested. I know they are, but it sounds horrible out loud, doesn't it? Yeah, it doesn't sound ideal.

They're interested in my penis. It doesn't sound like the top ranking podcast that any country would be saying that, does it, Rob? That's a great headline. Doesn't look great on an email. No, it's not ideal. When Danny phones you up and says the Daily Mail have jumped on something

that you said in the podcast. Oh no, what have they run with? What's the headline? Beckett's children interested in his penis. But what I find interesting about them being interested in your penis

is that now that poster is exactly how I imagine your penis looks. It doesn't look like that. I mean... Well, they're only going off what they've seen, mate. And let's be honest,

she's a very talented artist. Have you seen her moo cow? Exactly. And let's be honest, is that your bum? I wish that was my bum. Look at it. That is bunda.

It is peachy, isn't it? It's wonderful. Peachy bunda, that is. Yeah. I just, I just loved kids parties,

Rob. They're the only bit of socialising I can deal with at all. Why don't you go out? Well, because I've been working so much yeah I've completely lost the ability to socialize is that because every time you go out and speak to someone you have to sell them your book do you just sort of panic and just start doing a PR on people in the street genuinely I'm either selling them my book or I'm riffing about the news and no one wants either of those things you've not yeah you basically need to be rehabilitated back into society it's a genuine problem that I feel like I've got at the moment which is that I can't have

conversations with my friends I've lost the ability to do it so I went for lunch with some friends the other day yeah and I just couldn't do it I just thought I've got nothing to offer I you know when people like when they came out of lockdown they'd kind of yeah some people really And I just couldn't do it. I just thought, I've got nothing to offer him. You know when people, like, when they came out of lockdown, some people really struggled with readapting. You think you've got that from having a kid and being on a PR junket tour? Exactly. I genuinely think that. So what was so good about the kids' party then? I don't know. For some reason, I can do that, right?

But I went for lunch with some friends and I was like, in my head, Rob, and this is no reflection on my friends, but I just wanted to not be there. Because I was just, I wasn't myself at all. I felt like. Were you tired? I was, but I'm always tired. What time was it? Daytime, lunch?

Yeah, lunch. And how many friends? Four, three. Don't even know. Don't even care. I think you're just tired. You are having no time to yourself because you're at home. And how many friends? Four, three. Don't even know. Don't even care. I think you're just tired. You are having no time to yourself because you're at home.

I've got no time to myself. I don't want to spend my time to myself talking to my friends. I can deal with WhatsApp. I think that's very important because I think it's that kind of thing. I know it is. And I'm normally the most social. I love, I'm so sociable. You hate being on your own.

You always, if we ever did a TV show, you're the first person to leave your dressing room and go in someone else's for a chat. Of course, of course. Because I've got nothing to offer. But like, as company. You have got stuff to offer, but not at the moment. No, I mean to myself. Oh, to yourself.

But now you have got something to offer to yourself, which is quiet. I genuinely, I feel like I've, I don't know what it is it is but i just like i someone asked me to go to their birthday this i felt affronted that i even had to reply and say i didn't want to go josh i think you're burnt out you need to rest and i'd say what's good to listen to that um you know helen russell who was on the podcast talking about moving to denmark she's got a podcast called how to be sad which is really good and i've just bought the book of the guy she interviewed about rest it's the episode rest but he's talking about how important rest is and then like sort of

recharging at the moment you're depleted because when you go home you've got you know your your wife and children that you know you need to look after the kids and want stuff from you then you go to work and you've got a camera in front of your face wanting all your energy then on top of that you go to your tour show you have to give out loads of energy and then you've been interviewed by your book so you're constantly giving out giving out giving out so you just need to sit at home and recharge and not talk to anyone basically and about certain rest isn't rest or is rest for example you're not really resting going to your friends because you're chatting and you're talking and you've got to be interested you've got to be polite and stuff like that whereas you've got to do stuff that's your own your own thing it's not

always like just sit in line in the dark resting you know totally great i couldn't even i couldn't maintain a conversation rob yeah you need to relax and chill i felt like i was like making polite conversation but with friends do you know what i mean? So I felt like I, I couldn't escape small talk. You couldn't get beyond small talk. Couldn't get to my usual level of big talk. I was, I was stuck on small talk. You couldn't even see medium talk. I couldn't even see medium talk.

Big talk was a pipe dream. Exactly. So what's an example of you with big talk kind of stuff? Well, like you talk about like, Oh, have you heard? And there's a bit of gossip.

Yeah. Gossip or in jokes. Or did you see what this person instagram what an absolute wanker that kind of stuff yeah so let's practice this i'm your friend right let's get into character i'll try and get method for this i'm your friend all right let's do what you are doing okay all right josh how's it going yeah good good good so um how are you oh yeah yeah not bad just saying like nice to be out it's lovely you and it's fresh on you've been here before no no oh it's not what you what you gonna have i don't know how's the family yeah oh yeah oh good oh we have some great i went to the park they'll be so lovely spending time with them and stuff like that works a bit quiet be nice to

pick up a little bit but uh yeah how about you has a book yeah fine yeah yeah okay yeah i don't really want to talk about it i talk about it all the fucking time yeah okay yeah this is this is small talk josh okay right now let's get you back in let's move you up right let's let's okay just remember just enjoy it just go for it just enjoy myself okay yeah okay all right josh how's it going have you seen instagram jesus christ what is wrong with that i don't know but he's great isn't i think i really think she needs help yeah totally i can't stop watching the stories. And I went into the live the other day and I was the only person there and I had to leave instantly.

Oh, that's the worst, isn't it? When you're in the live and you know you're watching just to see what they're doing, but then they see you and there's no one else there. That is the worst. The tension of clicking on a live Instagram is fucking insane. Oh, what if they request you to join and you're in? Oh, God, no. Winner comes back! That's big talk, mate. That's fucking big talk. That's what I'm're in. Oh, God, no. Winner comes back.

That's big talk, mate. That's fucking big talk. That's what I'm interested in. That's what I want to talk about. Yes. Oh, so when you're going back to work, maternity leave must be fun. Oh, I don't give a shit about your wife's maternity leave. What is wrong with me?

Why am I asking this? We all have kids. We all go back to work. Fucking get over it. Right, let's slag some people off. But it's my own fault. Why am I asking people this? They don't even want to talk to me about it.

No! You've got to take control of the table, Josh. You're a big dog, mate. Fucking slam down some banner. Slag some people off. If you're not leaving that restaurant guilty about the things you've said about other people, you've not had a night out with your mates.

That's how it works. Genuinely. I can't do that anymore. Hopefully, Rob'm back i'm back it's good i think you're back josh i think you just need a little bit of a rest have a quiet weekend and then get back on the horse you know josh before we do a couple of instagrams i've got a question that i want to ask you and the listeners okay yeah you know have you got sky plus where you fast forward it and stuff yeah i've got sky so you record stuff and then you fast forward through the adverts to catch up yeah so if you recall yeah you know we've recorded off the telly you fast forward it and stuff. Yeah, I've got Sky Plus. So you record stuff and then you fast forward through the adverts to catch up.

Yeah. So if you record, yeah, you know, you've recorded off the telly and there's adverts and stuff. Or you record the Strictly Results show and you fast forward through the musical performance. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or you start 15 minutes late. So if a show starts at nine, you start at quarter past nine

so you can fast forward the adverts, that kind of stuff, yeah? Yeah. So when you do it, right, when the adverts are on, sometimes you catch up, don't you? But if there's still some fast forwarding to do me and lou say to each other have you got any juice right as in have we got any fast forwarding so we can do yeah yeah to get through these adverts or have we caught up what word do you have you got a word for that no but i like it and i'm gonna start using it have we got any to that but i don't know if anyone else because i

was like have you got any juice and what a weird thing to say but me and her both know what that means no but it's a good turn of phrase yeah it's good i like it we've got any juice to get through this rather than sitting through these adverts are we got some catching up to do i don't know if anyone else has got a word for it let me know because yeah i didn't know if that's just something that we do but i was quite intrigued that is good but i like that rob any juice yeah because i like phrases that only people have and then they kind of catch on because it works i like that rob any juice yeah because i like phrases that only people have and then they kind of catch on because it works yeah well you got any juice but that's the thing though we always disappointment when you run out of juice halfway through an advert break

oh my god it's awful isn't it because if there's a show me and lou want to watch we'll say right i tell you what i'm a little guy i'm having a bath i'll come down at 9 25 to watch that show that starts at 9 we can fast forward the adverts and we still finish it at, like, 10 o'clock. Yeah. You know, we're claiming back time. But, yeah, any juice, that's what we say. But I don't know if you guys say anything different. But, yeah, email in or message.

I know I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me. Go on. But I went to watch something on 4OD the other day. Oh, yeah, FOD. FOD. Fuck me. The experience of the two and a half minutes of adverts before the show is, like, the slowest time ever goes.

Because you can't fast. And you're like, I don't know if I can do this. I genuinely don't think I'm going to make it to the show. Two and a half minutes. Two and a half minutes of a car advert. Because I was watching on my phone and you're like, I can't even look at other stuff on my phone while these adverts are on. Because I've got to watch the adverts on my fucking phone. And you try and skip it. And then you just, it there and you can't you can't skip it you're just

watching adverts like it's the old days and i can't deal with it at least on here you can fast forward them yeah exactly and you know what don't though because they're great yeah listen to all of them and buy it all please immediately or anything, rewind and re-listen. That would be my tip. Do you know what I tend to do with podcasts, Rob? What's that? Is I'll wait and then I'll listen to the adverts and then I'll fast-forward through the actual podcast.

Yeah, I'll fast-forward and just listen to the adverts. Sometimes they're better. They're better. They're good stuff. We haven't done any Instagrams. Oh, God, sorry. I've blabbered on for so long. Well, I'll tell you on that.

Rose woke up when she was up feeding our son at half four this morning. Yeah. She said she couldn't get back to sleep because she was thinking of things that she doesn't care about. Oh, that's great. We've got loads of those things you don't have an opinion on. Yeah. I was just kept thinking about things I don't have an opinion on. Okay.

She doesn't have an opinion on what is trending on Twitter. Yes, she doesn't have an opinion. Doesn't care. That's trending. Don't care. Does not give a flying fuck. Also, my friend Joe texted me with some things she doesn't care about. The next James Bond.

She doesn't care. I don't care who it is either. No. And if it is, you know, a female James Bond, I'll watch it and then make a decision if I like it or not after. Exactly. And then I probably won't even watch it. I've not even seen this one.

No. Do you know what, Rob? I won't watch it. Let's be honest. I'll read a review, think, oh yeah, they're taking it a bit more seriously than they used to.

I probably won't see that. It's three hours long. It's like EastEnders Omnibus. It's too much Bond. I don't have enough time in my life to watch James Bond. I think TikTok has ruined my brain. I can't watch anything that

lasts more than about five minutes. Boring, all this bloody set up. Give us some more things that people don't care about. And we'll do your Instagram messages on Friday before our episode. Here we go. Things I don't have an opinion on, whether you keep ketchup in the fridge or not. Yes, totally agree. If pineapple belongs on pizza people star signs couldn't care less thank you laura simmons yeah who was the best member of the beatles no one cares no one cares no one cares about that i do care about the pizza don't have an opinion on what came first the chicken or the egg rachel in rembury yeah perfect we'll do proper instagram messages next let me throw in a couple of things people don't have an opinion on. Who's this from? Jasmine, the squid game.

Or whether you should put water on a toothbrush before you put toothpaste on. I don't care about that. Couldn't care less. You want to go in dry? Go in dry. Oh, that's Mark. Mark adds window or aisle seat on a plane. Who cares?

Oh, I care. Each to their own on that. We're not saying no one should have an opinion on these. I've got an opinion on that. I care. I care. It depends what mood I'm in. If I'm getting pissed i'll so i can get to the toilet if i'm having a sleep window sorry mark i care yes is that okay fair enough is that okay it's

fine these are things that you you don't have an opinion on other people might perfect steve's gone with israel and palestine okay fair enough ste That's up to you, but some people do care about that. It's quite a big issue. Yeah. You know, say what you want, Steve. If you don't care about it, fair enough. But people are affected. Now, is that Steve with a V or a PH?

It's a Steve with a V. Classic Steve with a V, that is. Yeah, classic Steve with a V. Always a little bit on the bone, they are. PH, a bit more class about them. Yeah. Well, we'll get more from Steve as they come in. We'll have one from steve each week right here we go let's do some small business shout outs and we'll do your emails messages blimey o'reilly we've got to that point already i've blabbered fucking on sorry i can't even do conversation at the moment okay here we go i just don't want to

talk to people sorry did I say that out loud? Yeah, yeah, you hate your life still. Okay. I don't hate my life. I just hate other people's lives and hearing about them. That's better. You're making progress. You hate your life.

You just hate other people now. Yeah. You don't hate your life. That's good. Let's not internalize it. Hate the outside, not the inside. Hi, Rob and Josh. I wondered if you might think about giving us a mention on your small business shout out.

Hi, Rob and Josh. I wondered if you might think about giving us a mention on your small business shout out. My friend and I have set up a business selling play mats, which are child focused one side with a nice adult design on the other. They look great, baby safe and easy to maintain. It's a big leap for both of us. So we're keen to try and make a success. We'd be really grateful if you could share our business with your listeners. You can check us out www.mattaplay.co.uk that's m-a-t-a-play.co.uk sounds like a very committed one matter fan who really wants him to play for man united even though he's old so that's m-a-t-a-play keep up the good work with the podcast you helped many of us keep smiling through last 18 months thanks in anticipation i found them online and they are matter play official or they're pretty mattes they look quite sort of like

bathroom tiles kind of thing and then kid designs on the front as well matterplay.co.uk good luck with it guys okay this is from steph jones all right tarts um yes fucking right it's a good start isn't it yeah silly old tarts all right tarts please may i have a small business shout out yeah uh she says it's absolutely okay by the way at least it is here in near dudley good i was diagnosed with oh sorry oh god i've just done a good lie i've been diagnosed jesus okay sorry sorry guys the tone shifted mid-impression. But did you know what? The tone very much shifted mid-email because she's the one who's trying to write tarts. You can't tart me off and then hit me with a diagnosis halfway through the chat. Come on. All right, tarts. Please may I have a small business shout out. I was diagnosed

with breast cancer four years ago at the age of 31, a mum of two very young children. I've just recently set up my business providing care packages designed for those in mind who have received a cancer diagnosis and about to embark on treatment. The package is inspired by my own personal experiences of chemo, surgeries, hospital stays, medical menopause, etc. And with a donation from each box being made to Copperfield. Any help you can give to spread the word would be wonderful. Thank you so much. I'm providing so many lols on darker days. Steph Jones,

Instagram and Facebook is practically that's P R a C T I C A L L Y underscore perfect underscore packages. There we go. Lovely. Good one. That is a great one. Don't lie. There we go. It was Good one. That is a great one. Dudley! There we go.

It was worth it in the end. Oh, God. Do you know what, though? If ever I get diagnosed with something bad like that, my brain will go, Dudley. That's going to be in my head forever now. Whatever I hear that word. Anyway, good on you. Well done. That's a very nice, positive thing to be doing. We'll be back on Friday with another interview.

I think it might be Jesse Ware. We keep threatening it. It is Jesse Ware, yes. Yes. It's bloody Jesse Ware. It's Jesse Ware on Friday. Enjoy. See you then.

Bye. Bye.