Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP3: "Dad, have you got milk in those big nipples?..."

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP3: "Dad, have you got milk in those big nipples?..."More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you are listening to Parenting Hell with... Izzy, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. And can you say, buy their books? Buy their books.

Well done, sweet pea. That was so cute that was amazing obviously fully behind it that is Kerry O'Gallagher she knows how to get on the bloody podcast doesn't she

Kerry O'Gallagher I mean it's the most Irish Scottish name the most Gaelic person I've ever heard of so this little voice our daughter Izzy

who has just turned two usually I'm not one for using my child's cuteness to bait people into making a purchase. But in the case of your books, I think it's entirely justified. Yeah, boy. My husband and I started listening to your podcast during a deep low in lockdown one. You've helped us survive this seemingly never ending lockdown since. This content is priceless, light relief for any parent out there, especially if they're having a rough time.

And since we can't pay you for the pleasure, we think buying your books is the least we could do. And Izzy agrees. Thanks again for everything, Kerry and Steve O'Gallagher. Oh, the O'Gallagher. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That's very kind of you.

Yes, if you don't mind buying the book. I'm glad to help. I feel like we owe the listenership an apology, Josh, for our low... So many apologies, Rob. So many. Where do we start? Well, first of all, we need to apologise

for how depressed and tired we were for the first episode back. I wouldn't say we came back with a bang. No. No, I wouldn't say we came back with a bang. We crawled out from under a rock, I'd say. I even forgot to say my lowest moment of the Euros, Rob, because it was the day after England had lost to...

Well, let's not talk about what the day after was. Yeah, let's not bring that up. What was your lowest moment of the Euros, Rob, because it was the day after England had lost to... Well, let's not talk about what the day was. Let's not bring that up. What was your lowest moment? I thought... When it happened, I was gutted for three seconds and then I thought, Rob is going to love this. So I almost got a ticket

to the final, Rob. Oh, no. It's good you didn't, in a way. Good I didn't. I had a lovely evening with my friends in the end. In a way, it worked out perfectly. But I was... Alex Brooker got a ticket and they said they could do him a plus one of me. Yeah.

And then they came back to him, Rob. Oh, yeah. And they'd given it to Kelly Brook. What's that? He took Kelly Brook? No, no no he was just sat there with Kelly Brook no he hadn't given it to Kelly Brook oh they'd gone actually Josh is second in line to the sexiest woman of 2001 she Kelly Brook I mean I cannot tell you what impact Kelly Brook had on my life as a teenager well I cannot tell you what impact Kelly Brook had on my life as a teenager. Well, I cannot tell you what impact she had on my life as a 38 year old, mate. She's hammering us at every turn.

I, um, let's not, let's not go back to what I was like as nineties teenagers, because I was about to say, I was about to talk about, uh, FHM in the 90s.

And I thought it's not for our listeners, Rob. It's not for our listeners. I've got, I bought an absolute job lot load of loaded in FHM from the 90s and early 90s. Because I wanted to do a YouTube channel of me just reading it out. And some of it is so awful, it cannot be read out. Now, Rob. Yeah. I feel better than I did last Monday.

Because basically coming out of the Euros, it feels like the first week of January. Do you know what I mean? It was a depressing week. But I feel like I've stopped drinking. I've been drunk since the final. And I'm enjoying not drinking. And I've been eating healthy. And I feel like a new person.

I was in a dark place. I was on a stag do for three weeks Josh genuinely Lou keeps mentioning things I forgot I did oh my word I was ordering takeaways and forgetting and falling asleep and she'd find them on the doorstep oh my god cold where they've just left it because no one answered and we need to apologize for this Josh we've had some feedback about obviously we've changed the name to parenting hell yeah um our big relaunch has been it's been a sticky start it's been a slightly gb news of a start i took the knee actually during one of the opening looks no so basically we we did we re-recorded the intro and we've had some feedback. This is on Instagram. Hey, guys, love the episode today as always, but please, please, please,

can you re-record the intro? I know you've had a tough time recently, but where has that slightly upbeat tone gone? You're doing yourself an injustice. This one's from your mum. This is from Amy Stevens on Insta, and it's been popped up with Leanne. I thought the same, Amy.

Sounds almost depressed. Is that maybe the point? The next one, I thought that too last week, but assumed it was a hangover basis as well. But we can't have this as the intro, so we are going to re-record the intro. Hopefully Michael will have put it at the beginning of this episode. What the people really want is Michael to record the intro. That's what the people at home really want.

Hey, guys. I actually sounded sexy like Michael between the Germany and Denmark game because my voice was so hoarse. Belting out sweet Caroline. Right, kids. Let's talk about kids. Let's stop talking about Euros. Let's move on.

We've apologised for that. We've apologised. Kids now, it's the start of the summer holidays, Josh. It is. It is the start of your summer holidays. How are you feeling? How's it going? Let's start with you.

Well, it doesn't affect me, Rob, because my daughter's at nursery. All summer? All summer. Okay. Apart from training days, which I'm going to be honest with you, Rob, I'd prefer them to just be slightly worse at their job and we and we get the fridays that's all i'm gonna say what you didn't that what when i was a kid they used to be called baker days yeah they used to be called baker days when i was a kid as

well so what what was that why were they called baker days i don't know was it something like bank holidays was it like a day when i don't know but now i also how much training you're doing you have an hour to look after exactly if they you don't, don't you? Exactly. If they're breathing, it's fine. Imagine that. Oh, good training. You can't hit them. Never knew. But how you've got six weeks, you know, family at home for six weeks.

Your daughter must be absolutely her first ever proper summer holiday. Well, yeah. Before we start that, I've just Googled it. An inset day or a training day used to be known as a td day teacher development day or a pd day professional development day or a baker day and that was because of kenneth baker was a conservative minister mp in ata and he introduced these sort of training days for teachers and it was known as a baker day oh there we go that's the kind of fact that i will use in conversation and people call me boring training days for teachers, and it was known as a baker day. Oh, there we go. You know what, Rob? That's the kind of fact that I will use in conversation and people call me boring.

Yeah, exactly, but except you're boring. I'm going to tell you I'm boring and I'm a dad now. I said to my daughters, that chair's for sitting on, not for jumping on. And as I said it, I aged 20 years. Tick it off on the iSpy. Let's do this as a new feature. age 20 years. Tick it off on the iSpy. We know, let's do this as a new feature. Send in

parent sayings that you've not said yet. I've got one. I've got one that I think every dad says to their child, but when their child's 17, which is about buying a new car, which is you lose £2, thousand pounds by driving off the

forecourt yes yes you will have to adjust that same for inflation at some point when your kids all cars are a million pounds and you have to get you lose 2.5 250 grand as you drive it off as you fly off the forecourt as you hover at home into your into your floating garage above your house. That's now allowed. But anyway, sorry, Josh, what was you saying about summer holidays? Oh, you're just, this is it really. This is your first kind of, when I was a child, and those six weeks stretched out in front of you, the freedom.

Yeah. It's gone. Basically, this is our technique, right? We've booked in lots of stuff for the summer we're having no summer holiday as such we're going to a caravan like a static caravan park in august and we're going to lego land and we've got a few like sort of day trips here and there i think that yeah little bits and bobs but lego land for two nights and a caravan park for four nights is the stuff we've got booked in and there's loads of other stuff with like family barbecues and kids birthday parties and all that so we quite rammed in august and like i said my youngest was getting all a bit nutty and screaming and stuff like that

and me and lou have had a little bit of back and forth where i think they're doing too much i think it's a when i was a kid um you basically just were at the back and forth. It's a great euphemism, Rob. Let's be honest. We normally compromise, which involves Lou making every single decision with or without me. And if I at any point go, I don't think that's a good idea. We'll have a slight argument until I apologize and we do what she wanted to do at the start. OK, that is solid. This is a solid setup.

It's a good system. However, I really, really had to stick my stake in the ground and go hard on this one but because i we had slightly different upbringings and slightly different lifestyles a bit more posher than me where when i was a kid you basically went to the local park or you was in your garden or in the street for six weeks and apart from occasionally a holiday you literally just did whatever you wanted in you you sort of just had to make your own fun didn't you my summer holidays was two weeks in Pembroke, which is West Wales,

which is lovely. And then the other four weeks, basically I was in charge of myself, Rob. Yeah. I was basically feral on the moor. Yeah. Feral on the moor.

So they're, they're feral in the garden now because they're too young to sort of, I haven't even got a moor near, I don't know where the nearest moor is. I don't even know what a moor is. What's the difference between a mo what's the difference between a more and just a bit of grass it's like a it's like a hilly bit of grass hilly bit of grass um so i was saying it's great and lou likes to be organized lou's got a spreadsheet for the summer holidays right oh my word and it's it's pretty good but it's almost like it's it's pretty non-stop and i was saying i think the kids are

are too are too engaged that there's too much plan for them we're doing too much for we're doing too much for our kids and i was saying i think sometimes just let them just do what they want and they can be creative they can mess about and i've got loads of activities for them to do but like basically what we've done is for the first week of summer holidays we've got nothing nothing booked in at all every morning we wake up and say what should we do we've got no clubs we've got no swimming we've got no holiday nothing and just see where we go and what we end up doing and let them sort of dictate what they want to do rather than us marching from place to place well at the moment they're absolutely loving it and they're just feral they're just in the

garden it's lovely weather just in there just basically that well they were just like naked in the paddling pool and we were putting cream we were putting cream on them but we had when they went for a bath they were very pink josh oh no very pink we kept on applying sun cream but they're very not too pink but a bit pink but they found it absolutely hilarious that they were a bit pink when me and lou thought we were the worst parents has ever lived but we did put cream on them loads but it's just a it's a harsh son it's a harsh son and um you're a blonde man as well rob do you know what i mean and lose a bit irish and welsh yeah and she they yeah they're very blonde i don't think either of our

kids stand much of a chance in hot climates oh no i mean if that if our kids went on to love island they'd be freckly hot and panicked as they walked in then i don't think we could breed adonises you know them sort of bronzed yeah yeah but you know so we've we're basically having a week of nothing and just sort of letting them choose what we do so at the moment they've built they've built a fall and they're just planning the paddling pool and drawing on cardboard. And we've got paints and loads of stuff for them to do and a plan of all Lego and all sorts. So they're really enjoying just sort of doing nothing kind of thing

and just resting. And you're excited about it. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I am. And like, because we need to catch up on sleep. So do the kids. And so that we're just sort of being, and I'm not working too much this week. So it's just a real nice week of just us.

And also they've been at school and preschool so much. They're excited to be indoors. Yeah. We couldn't have done this kind of week at the end of the summer holidays because they'd be bored of us, bored of the house. So our sort of plan is the first week of summer holidays, just let them run free in the house and do what they want to a point and then booking stuff from what's the headline activity of the summer holidays what's week six oh what's weeks what we got what we got weeks oh the final

the final week let me have holidays is me and Lou, I think, are going to – no, is we going to that? Oh, no, so they're going to a caravan park with their grandparents. Oh, mate. Yeah. Oh, mate. That's nice, isn't it? Yeah.

And then me and Lou have got a bit of time at home, and I've got to record the audio book. Oh, yeah. So I'm going to record the audio book. Oh, yeah. So I'm recording the audio book and stuff and they're going to the caravan park with the grandparents. That is a dream, isn't it? That is a dream. I'll quickly tell you, because for the audio book, I'm interviewing a few 90s people just

to shove it in the audio book. It's a bit of extra stuff. Oh, a bit of extra content. A bit of extra content. Go on. Who are you speaking to? Well, this week, Rob, I've been texting both Pat Sharp

and Jet from Gladiators. Oh, my God. And she saved my phone as Jet from Gladiators, which I really have enjoyed. How old is Pat Sharp and Jet from Gladiators now? Can they text? Is it all capitals and no grammar? Well, Pat Sharp's an absolute hoot, Rob.

Is he? Pat Sharp. He said, Friday's good for me, Josh. What time? I said 10 a. an absolute hoot, Rob. Is he? Pat Sharp. He said, Friday's good for me, Josh. What time? I said 10am. He replied, Sharp.

Sharp. Oh, I love it. And I said, very on brand. And he said, sadly, I've been doing that for 40 years. At least he can acknowledge it.

Exactly. That's the secret. When you're 63 and you are on this podcast and you go, I'm not going to lie, my grandkids are tiring. You know what you're doing. You are on this podcast and you go, I'm not going to lie, my grandkids are tiring. You know what you're doing.

You can't be judged for it. Well, do you know what? Someone tweeted me the other day about when I was doing all the stuff on Instagram at the Euros, really enjoying Rob Beckett's career revival renaissance at the Euros. And I was like, oh, was i in the wilderness and i didn't know i don't think so no well that's what i thought i thought i was still on the up yeah i feel like i'm on the second up yeah this is your jack d going into the big brother house

yeah exactly i'm in the big brother house but i'm in charge of the edit that's what social media is. There's no reality shows. Everyone makes their own one. Exactly. Oh, that's exciting then, Josh. I'm a bit worried about doing the audiobook because it's sort of like just reading it out, reading your own book. Do you think it's going to be boring, Rob?

Not your book, but do you think the experience of it is going to be? I don't think it'll be boring. I've done loads of VO, so I'm used to it. But I am worried that I'm going to read a bit and I think I want to change that. But I can't because it's gonna be i don't think it'd be boring i've done loads of vo so i'm used to it but i am worried that i'm gonna read a bit and i think i want to change that but i can't because it's been printed and now i'm just reading it out but that's like anything but you'll never be totally happy you'll always want to tweak things exactly exactly i heard a story about i won't name them but a celebrity who had their ghost uh their autobiography ghost written yes and the first time they read it was in the audiobook reading

yep and they just basically had a breakdown because they were like this is terrible this is awful i don't think they're alone no no that's the ghostwriter books i mean i look i just think if you're going to do a book you do it properly and i know some people aren't academic or whether i'm not academic i've never really been academic and I've got dyslexia and all sorts and I can't I've got ADHD probably I'm not at it confirmed but I can't really concentrate and I did it and I put effort in so just yeah just write a book if you're gonna write a book write a book yes it is hard so just work hard at it so I've got no sympathy you write a book exactly I've got no sympathy for ghostwriter people. I think just put the effort in. And if you don't, then stuff like that's going to happen.

You can't have a coffee with someone five times and they write your book and it'll be all right. Do you know what I mean? Just write your book. Anyway, let's stop talking about books. Let's talk about you, Josh. How's your parenting going? You're right. I'd say, Rob.

Yeah, because you've texted me a couple of times and I was a bit worried. Can I play this? Okay, I'll text you. Can I play this? This is you. You kept on delaying the start of the um which is fine i've done it plenty of times before but in this voice note you sound so panicked and stressed me and michael actually felt a bit sorry for you let me play it realistically so i'm not

late can we do uh 10 past 11 but i promise that's the last time change this morning has been a hilarious uh disaster i'm so sorry, guys. One day. One day. I don't even know what one day means. I have no idea what one day means. What does one day mean? You're so panicky and quick.

Also, I turned up at 11.15. I didn't even make it for my... One day. What does that mean? What does that mean? You're so panicky. At the beginning, Josh, I'm your friend. I was holding a baby as i was doing that right you sound pathetic at this point i'm gonna play it again at the beginning you sound like to a point where i'm like do i really

want to work with this bloke listen listen realistically so i'm not like can we do uh 10 past 11 i promise that's the last time. I promise. Pathetic, pathetic. I don't know if you need to work me again now, you're back on the up, Rob. I know now I'm on the up. You're back on the up. But I'll bless you, I know that feeling. You didn't even start, you were like, realistically, I just don't think, I'm just gonna,

like you're doing open heart surgery. Like, mate, it's me in my own house. I've got to walk to my desk, like, ten minutes later than laying on the sofa watching the love island oh mate my life so what's happening what's going you said you're not getting any sleep you texted me the other morning quite early acid reflux oh no did either of your kids have acid reflux they did they didn't have acid reflux i know i i was like if you're not

sure if they had acid reflux they didn't i think it's the rule isn't it yeah you know if they do but no i don't think so my first one was a bit more um harder didn't sleep as well as the second um but i don't think it was acid reflux yeah so basically you text me at 6 a.m quite normal time to text someone isn't it yeah i've been up for two hours yeah Yeah, you text me, fuck me. He woke up every hour to 90 minutes last night. Hilariously bad. I put hilariously, but I'm just doing that to kind of take the edge off.

I did it in that... Nothing that's happening in your house at the moment is hilarious. But I think for your own sanity, it's good to say it. Like, when I'm walking around the bedroom, trying to get him to sleep in the dark at about 9 p.m. I say phrases like I hate my life and I hate this. This is where you feel better. I think rubbish did a bit of stand up about it.

But when we was filming in South Africa, we'd been really busy and like been eating bad and drinking bad like that. And he got out the shower and there's a massive mirror in these, but in these hotel bedrooms. Right. And as he caught himself in the mirror, naked, he just said to himself, I hate your body. You are.

I hate your body. So you're walking around saying I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this. I started, you know, like, how you don't really remember much of the first bit. So I thought what I'll do this time is I'll just write, like, every now and again, I'll just write down stuff that's happening so that I've got it. Yeah.

Makes the second book easier, doesn't it? And Rob, it's too bleak i was like i can't show this to my son when he's grown up oh so is it sort of like a diary just like oh this is just like this is what we're jeez louis i think you're logging enough of it on here yeah i'll be honest with you yeah no i know i i just it was just like an outlet. And Oh God, it was so, so let me take you through the kind of evening we had on Thursday. Yep. So bear in mind,

I haven't had a proper evening since May the 11th, which was the day he was born because he just doesn't sleep in the evenings. So I've never sat down on watch TV. Like, do you know what I mean? So basically what will happen is you'll feel the evening approaching and the dread begins. You know, like if you've got a terrible corporate in the diary or something, you've got something in the diary you really don't want to do.

Or job interview or a funeral or something horrible like that. So the evening approaches. Then do you remember, I don't know if you remember this, or something horrible like that. So the evening approaches. Do you remember? I don't know if you remember this. I might have said before he was born that my main concern was how my daughter would react. Yes. That is one of the most, frankly, fucking naive.

Absolutely the least of my problems, Rob. How is she reacting, by the way? She's totally fine with it. It's not an issue at all. And the thing is as well, you was getting really anxious about that as well yeah i know it's really stressing you out but it's so true we're like you can't worry about something that's coming up just to sort of react to it in the moment and it's fine why did that that was such a small it's not even doesn't make any difference to my life although did i tell you what she said to him the other day? No.

She said, I love you, but I wouldn't mind if you weren't here. Oh, my God. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind if you weren't here. It's so funny, little subtle turns of phrases are so brutal, isn't it? Yeah. I might start saying that to people. So then you spend the evening walking around with him in pain and then you get him down and once he's down he's down for about an hour and

a half in the evening obviously yeah uh one of us will go and you'll go down separately to eat your dinner yeah um which is obviously 10 minutes of absolutely wonderful alone time but also while hearing the crying coming from upstairs luckily my daughter's a heavy sleeper yeah oh god imagine if you weren't imagine and then he wakes up every hour to an hour and a half and to the point that's brutal man it is but it's just to the point where you're like you're just wishing when you wake up at three and it's the fourth time you've woken up or whatever. Yeah. You just, it's not even that you want any more sleep.

You just want the night to be over. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And then at least you can have a coffee. Yeah. So. Do you ever go to sleep going, oh, I can't wait to wake up so I can have a coffee?

That's bad. I think I drink too much. No, I think that's, I think that's oh, I can't wait to wake up so I can have a coffee? That's bad. I think I drink too much. No, I think that's quite, I think that's good. I think that's, you know, it's much better than, you know, other stimulants that you could be dreaming of when you're asleep. Smashing a big line of Coke and a pint of Jack Daniels.

Yeah, you could be that guy with a flare up his arse. He did three grams of Coke and 20 cans. What do you mean I could be that guy? I just don't film that stuff. I can't believe he's back on the up, that guy. He's back on the up.

He got front page of the sun, didn't he? Yeah. He didn't care either. No, he couldn't give a shit. Couldn't give a shit. Anyway. Yeah.

Woke up by half five. It's game over. He's up. Yeah. So I was like, I'll just take him downstairs. I just, I do the early shift

which is actually quite pleasant because you're just downstairs and so but so what time was you up on friday morning 5 30 and then but and then you're doing last leg that evening yeah so now i know people like either because i was on i was watching telly on friday right yeah and um i was flicking over and you were on you were on last last leg and then it didn't finish till 10 past 11. Was it a longer episode or something? No, I think it's start. I think realistically it starts at five past 10 and finishes.

I was sat on the sofa at half 10 going, I am exhausted. I'd got up at seven, right? With the kids. And they were watching. I did nothing really. I was like,

I am absolutely fucked. And I flicked over and I saw you and I thought, that guy must be absolutely rude. And I know, and I totally get people work like six days a week doing night shifts and they've still got kids and all that. So I'm not saying, you know, in actual fact, it's easier just to do that once a week. However, the threat of live TV and cancelled culture,

to be doing that, that tired. You wouldn't be allowed to use heavy machinery in that state. Never mind hold your career in your hand, talking about like sort of racism in football and the Paralympics. Come on, guys. I don't need to talk about this now, please. Can't we go back to the guy with the flower up his ass for another five minutes how are you doing that then if you're up if you're not getting any sleep in

the night you're up at three hours sleep then i got up and i was like i'm gonna have a cup of tea great the one good thing is he will in the morning he happily just sit on you so i could just i actually got downstairs i was like he'll sit on me. I'm going to sit on the sofa and watch TV for the first time since May, since the beginning of May. I used to be able to play FIFA by when they're really little, hold them in one arm and then you can still hold the controller. Cause they'd still just sit still.

That was a good pick. That was a great three weeks. Oh, I bet. So you'll, you'll think this is very on brand Rob. Yeah. I went on to, I went on to Netflix. This is the first time you've sat down and watched telly yeah i went to netflix and i was like i'll

just go on you know like there's a like what's popular on netflix the top 10 things on netflix i i ended up at 6 00 a.m and it's probably the happiest i've been in six weeks excluding football related uh joy i uh i just watched a documentary about boys to men. Oh, wow. That seems very, that seems like an odd choice. It was. And I was about 20 minutes in when I thought, what am I doing with my life?

It's Friday morning. It's 6 a.m. I'm watching a documentary about boys to men because it was one of the most popular things on Netflix and I just clicked on it. And to be honest, this is the happiest I've been in days. Was it a good documentary? Not particularly,

Rob. Is there a big story about boys to men? Not really, no. They were much more successful than I'd realised, but I could have just gone on their Wikipedia page to find that out, Rob. Is it called This Is Pop? Yeah, it's This Is Pop, yeah. The boys to men effect.

Also, they do one about each one. So the one's about boys to men. There's one about boys to men. That's like the first episode of the series. Yeah, and there's one about auto-tune. I mean, I didn't want to watch one about that. I didn't want to watch a documentary about auto-tune. There's a Britpop episode.

Yeah, but I thought I know all about this. Okay, yeah. I'll be honest. A series that starts with Boyz II Men is not going to deliver Josh Whitaker anything new about Britpop, is it? No, exactly, exactly. Well, you start it and go, Oasis are a band from Manchester. Fuck off. Come on, mate, ain't my first rodeo.

But that's what my life's come to now. Yes. Just watching documentaries about Boyz II Men on my own. Oh,'s what my life's come to now. Yes. Just watching documentaries about boys to men on my own. Oh, this is how tired I am, Rob. Yep. Got my house insurance. I got new house insurance. Yep.

They were like, you need a burger alarm. Yep. For this house insurance. Fine. I'll get a burger alarm installed. You've got 30 days to install the burger alarm. Finally saw the guy come around yesterday. He walks him uh to kind of wrecky the place about installing this burger alarm and he looks on the

wall and he goes oh this is useful because you've already got a burger alarm so we can just use the wiring and i was like what and there's a burger arm on the door on the wall next to the door that i've had for three years that I hadn't noticed was there. We've got a burger alarm and I didn't know we... There's a box on the wall with numbers for code and I just... I'm so unobservant. I haven't noticed it's there in my hallway. So what is the bloke installing then?

A new burger alarm using the wires of the old burger alarm. Oh, that's good, yeah. So it's probably better than... Yeah, it's all in the right place. But I didn't even know we old burglar alarm. Oh, that's good, yeah. So it's probably better than, yeah, it's all in the right place. But I didn't even know we had a burglar alarm. There's a thing flashing in the corner of each room. We've got a burglar alarm. Oh, right, so all that's installed as well.

All of that's installed as well. It's all there. So he's just basically put a new box on the wall and all the wires work. And I was like, how do I? I've been so tired for the last three years. I haven't even noticed we've got a burger alarm. Oh, this is not good for you. You're an observational comedian, mate.

I know. I can't even observe my own house. To be fair, if you could, that'd be a terrible routine. Just people that don't live in your house hearing about things in your house. Yeah. No one needs to hear that. No, but maybe when you're indoors, you just calm down. And then when you go out, that's when you turn on the observant part of your brain. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. When you're out, that's when you turn on the observant part of your brain. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

When you're out and about shopping and you see a Fanta twist. Oh, exactly. And then I've got five minutes for the tour show, Rob. And that's that sorted. I've got a gig tomorrow night, Rob, in Brighton. Oh, yeah. Oh, so are you getting there? Train, driving? I'm driving there with Ed Gamble, who's also on.

Is he driving or are you driving? I'm driving. Do you think that's unsafe? Yeah, why doesn't he drive? I don't think he drives, does he? I don't know if or are you driving? I'm driving. Do you think that's unsafe? Yeah, why doesn't he drive? I don't think he drives, does he? I don't know if he drives. One of them. One of them.

He grew up in London. He doesn't need to, Rob. I grew up in London. I don't need to because I can afford a fucking Uber. I'll get you. I'll get you, mate. Yeah. I've got your car, Mark Gamble.

West London posh boy. Doesn't need a car. You wait until he's got two kids in the back and he's still going to learn to drive. If this will make you feel better, Josh, about your situation,

my daughter said to me, they saw me getting out of the shower the other day, I had a towel around my waist and they said to me, have you got milk in those big nipples? Oh my God.

Not ideal. Not great for morale, is it? Do you know what? That's actually more bleak than the Romesh story have you got milk in those big nipples and also i knew my nipples got a bit bigger because i've been drinking and eating badly and i put on a bit away and got a bit puffy after a few weeks of doing quite well so i was a little bit insecure about it and then they just pointed out my big milky tits so do they mean just your nipples

have got bigger or your your milky tits i just i think a bit of both i do have large nipples anyway and i just my milky tits looks a bit milkier than normal because i haven't been doing much exercise because i mean what did you say i said no i just said no no i haven't got milk in those big nipples. Oh, my word. Let's think about the other day, though. I tried to, working from home, you know, people still are to a point. I don't know when that's going to change on Freedom Day or whatever.

But it's like when you're trying to get from your, like, the kitchen to, like, wherever your office is, if it's in the spare room or if it's in the kitchen or if it's in the front room or wherever it's in the kitchen or if it's in the front room wherever you got it or in the shed or whatever like when it's summer holidays it's so messy everywhere because you can't keep on top of the cleaning like normally you get them off to school have a quick tidy up or whatever and then you you know they're not actually in the house that much but when they're in the house all the time it's carnage it's a bit like you know the that scene in dunkirk when he's running yeah can you hear that sorry what's happening down there you got people in the house j Can you hear that? Sorry. What's happening down there?

You got people in the house, Josh? Hello? Oh, hello. You all right? What's happening down there? Burglar man? Burglar on? He's installing the window locks that we also need, Rob. Oh, yes, of course, for the insurance. Well, you're nice and secure there now. Yes, yes. Don't you bloody try anything, burglars. We're absolutely

ready for you. Yeah, so what I was saying is, like, when it's a summer holiday the house is so messy and there's just kids everywhere it's like you can't when you're trying to get to do like get to like a meeting or whatever it is a zoom like you it's like can i have an ice cream can i have this kind of it's like you know that dunkirk when he's running and there's all the bombs going off and just people knocking into it you're sort of like trying to get for everyone just to get to your roof it's carnage and then one of them starts screaming it must be impossible if you're like a single parent and you're still trying to work and the kids are at home it must be absolutely impossible

i totally agree like this is the thing we have slightly at the moment is that if you go to do something the biggest mistake you can do is to then go back having not completely finished all of your tasks because the moment you go back into the room the other one's going to try and escape to do something you have to make the most of every second like when i finish this podcast rob yeah what's your plan i'm going to i've got like all this admin emails and texts and stuff i'm going to just sit here and do that. Cause if I go, I'll go downstairs and then I'll do that. I'm not going to get it done. No.

Okay. You're done then. Are you? No, not really. Cause if I don't pay our tax, we're going to be in lots of trouble. Exactly.

The bird's alarm is going to be the least of our worries. Exactly. Right. Josh, you want some Instagram messages? I do. I've got some more people that will help you out from, and anyone else that's feeling tired listening.

There's, I've got some more, more tired than Josh messages here. here um hi rob and josh i really enjoy your podcast it's been helpful to put a smile on my face in the darker days of lockdown lately a few parents have been sharing their stories about being tired with newborns my son is five now but it brought a flashback of being a new mum and one night in particular i breastfed my son exclusively and as you'll know that meant doing most of the waking up at night being a new mum and one night in particular. I breastfed my son exclusively, and as you'll know, that meant doing most of the waking up at night. Being a new mum, I did everything by the book.

So when the midwife told me to feed the baby every four hours, I set an alarm in case he didn't naturally wake up. First mistake. Come on, mate. Imagine just setting an alarm for four hours so you can wake your child. I'll have done two or three wake-ups in that time anyway i don't think this message is actually making you feel better but anyway one night the alarm went off totally exhausted i picked up the baby to feed him keeping the

light soft as not to wake my husband i spent at least two minutes trying to get him to latch and it just wasn't working eventually i turned on the light and looked down. I realised I'd been trying to breastfeed my own pillow. And my son was sound asleep in his cot. Anyway, Josh, remember, eventually it does get better. She only had four hours sleep. How could she? Don't get salty about the four hours sleep. Imagine being jealous of someone getting four hours sleep.

I feel for you, Josh. It does get better, Josh. gets better don't worry well wow rob yeah acid reflux oh god he had an appointment uh about uh just a general checkup yeah on wednesday like the how's it going thing and um rose said how long could it last they said up to the age of six to eight months oh my god so what's in that moment two of six to eight months. Oh, my God. So what's in that moment? Two, three months? Two months. My God, it feels like so long, Josh.

I can't believe it's only two months. I mean, what? Six to eight months? The age of six to eight months? Yeah, but that's just, it could be, that's a ballpark. That's a ballpark. I was expecting like two or three more weeks. It could be four months or it could be 10 months.

No, it couldn't be 10. Apparently, we can start weaning early. That's one thing we can do. Right, okay. So we're normally six months of weaning, isn't it? Yeah, we can bring it forward to four months apparently. I hated weaning my kids. I hated every second of it.

And I was just like, just give them fucking porridge until they've got teeth. So boring, weaning. I hate it. It's so rubbish. I just feel like they're going to choke on everything. And that noise of a kid choking. I've had some terrible experiences of them choking. It's so frustrating trying to spoon Ella's pouches into a mouth that doesn't want an Ella's pouch.

Don't spoon it in. Let them hold it. Just squeeze it in, mate. Why are you spoon an Ella's pouch. Don't spoon it in. Let them hold it. Just squeeze it in, mate. Why are you spooning it? Hold the nose and squeeze it in. Hold the nose, turn the mouth. No, no,

but you don't need to spoon it. You just literally, I treated my kids up foie gras, basically. You just shove the little hole in the mouth and squeeze it in gently. There's no need for a spoon. Keep it tidy. Keep it neat.

Okay. I had fat geese as kids. Just squeeze that. I'm not saying don't force it in. If they don don't want it don't give it to them at all i'm not absolutely not saying hold their nose and force it in but what i'm saying is if they're hungry and they want it rather than messing about with a spoon just put that little just squeeze it a little bit into their mouth okay from the pouch directly from pouch to mouth in two months time probably telling me off for that yeah well don't write him we know we're wrong on all these things we know we know we're wrong and we don't

don't listen to anything we say yeah don't do not folks trying right here we go here's another one keep me anonymous this is this is keep me anonymous this sounds good good good a good message hi josh and rob never listened to a podcast in my life until lockdown uh then a colleague recommended your podcast for a brilliant wind down after a crazy shift so i've been listening to every podcast and have tears of laughter so after friday's podcast of ian sterling this was from a few weeks ago before the break i really felt the need to email okay so the baby belly button thing ian framed his you know the little belly button clip that falls off ian's got his frame, doesn't he, on the wall.

Ian Sterling, this is. Anyway, so we thought that was a bit strange, but it isn't. This lady here kept her child's one in a little trinket box on the cabinet beside the cot. When my first daughter was born, so it's been on the cabinet by the cot. At 10 months old, I went into her room

and she was sitting in the cot saying, yum, yum. Oh, on something oh my god oh no i quickly put my fingers in her mouth in a panic nothing there the panic subsided as she was breathing and wasn't choking and there was nothing in her mouth i noticed a trinket box in her car the white belly button clip had nothing attached oh my god she had eaten her own belly button oh my god that is oh my word that's cannibalism it's like when you see a pigeon eating kfc off the floor oh my god you know when there's a bit of chicken on the floor oh god in a panic i phoned a and e and explained to the doctor what happened i heard a giggle then put it on hold and then i was put on hold at this point i actually laughed knowing it wasn't a bad thing

but first baby you freak out. Of course. Anyway, the doctor came back on the line and said, if she develops a temperature or you think she is unwell, bring her to A&E. I said, okay, thank you. No, and I was stressing for nothing. And I should add, I freaked out completely and totally lost my head.

And my job is a midwife. No. Oh, my God. That is amazing so even midwives yeah don't know what the right thing to do is and some midwives let their children eat their own skin so you know next time a midwife's giving you shit yeah remember that can we just ponder on the madness of putting it in a trinket box yeah also can i just say I've got nothing against midwives. I think they do an amazing job.

Yes, yes. However, it's just proof that nobody's perfect and we all can make mistakes. But we should say this, keeping the rotting flesh belly button in your house, in a trinket box,

or in a frame, or anywhere that isn't a bin is fucking disgusting. And you may disagree with me and i accept your apology in the future when you realize it's fucking disgusting as well all right we're all a bit sentimental and overly emotional when they're young but after a while you'll realize what you're going to do with that belly button what would you do rob if your parents said do you want to see your belly button i would get it and immediately put my own belly button in the bin and no one could say anything because it's my belly button

when are you gonna whip it out i don't want to see that placenta right if you cook a placenta and eat it in sweets i'm okay with that right i think if you're into that and there's been studies that you can get loads of vitamins or it's something you want to do fine it's it's been put into something else and you've got keeping hold of it like in the freezer without doing anything it's weird and keeping hold of the belly button it's so fucking weird josh it's it's it's like like imagine like like if i said i've kept all my toenail clippings do you know what i mean yeah like you'd go what is wrong with you there's no memory you're not going to look at it and be taken back to the day of the birth no and also look I feel like we're throwing shade here and we didn't really bring this up when I was chatting to Ian Sterling which now looks disingenuous but I agree but I don't want but what I that's not me being disingenuous I just don't

want to rain on someone's parade because in that moment in time when you framed the rotting flesh belly button and put it on your wall you're loving that i don't want to ruin it for you but i am aware that in about a year's time you'll go let's take that fucking horrific satan worshiping weird bit of belly button off the wall and put it in a drawer or better still throw it away and that will happen no one's still got it when the kids are 18. No. The lock of hair is weird as well. Yeah. A bit better than it's brought in skin. Yeah.

I take the look because hair stays as hair, right? Why doesn't it die? It must just disintegrate. How long can it last? Is this a thing? I remember this. I don't remember doing it myself, but there'd be kids that would, when they'd go to the barbers, they'd keep the hair.

Do you remember that? No. You can donate hair. Oh, yeah. You can donate hair oh yeah you can donate hair yeah my mate um he bought us that anonymous had a when we sort of shared a house he was like no i think or it was his parents or whatever he had a girlfriend and was obviously having sex with her using a condom but didn't know what to do with a condom so just had a little tin full of used oh my god because he didn't know how to get rid of them oh my word and then when we would take the piss out of him would fucking he's got a little spunk tin and all that he's got loads of condoms and a tin he went well i'm not embarrassed i've had sex with a girl fair enough yeah fair enough one nil um one nil i want to tell someone who uh it was too far to go to the toilet. So they'd go in a juice carton,

if there was a juice carton next to their bed, and they woke up in the middle of the night needing a piss. And then the inevitable... Juice carton? How do you piss down the straw? No, no, like a litre one. Oh, right, them old big orange juices. Which we all thought were healthy yeah sugar bastards the

ones that we drank throughout our childhood and 20s not realizing that that wasn't the way to be healthy no thinking oh i'll have a big pint of that orange juice it was basically like drinking a pint of coca coca-cola yeah those ones anyway the inevitable happened he woke up in the middle of night and drank his own piss. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's a saying here and I've the same colour. Especially if it was an apple juice colour. Oh my God. I've done that before,

hung over and had a big swig of straight vodka thinking it was water. Oh my God. At uni. Oh my God, that was awful. It's all got disgust in this, Josh. It really has, hasn't it?

I've got some more great Instagrams, but I can do them on Friday before our interview. Should we do some shout outs for small businesses? Rob, I've got a business that will be very helpful for you. Go on. So this is from Danielle. Bit of background. I was made redundant last year because of COVID

and my husband was furloughed for a year due to shielding. And when he could finally return to work, he had to drop his hours by half it's been a difficult year financially but all made more bearable by our four girls to earn some more money their daughters are five and one and nine and eleven to earn some more money my husband has set up a flat packing business. He puts together flat pack furniture for people, including trampolines. Oh, legend. Yes.

That is good because if you haven't got time and they are hard, and if you get someone that knows what they're doing, they do it in about 10 minutes. Yeah, that's an invaluable service. Unfortunately, I was late listening to the Christmas episode. Otherwise, I would have offered his services. I was sceptical about whether his business would work,

but I'm surprised by how many people actually want this service that's very nice of you danielle i mean that is the greatest compliment you could ever get from your wife yeah i'm surprised people want it but they do so actually well done i thought your business was going to be shit but actually it's great it's great what's the business called and where's he located bjd flat pack assembly based in and around hampshire bjd flat pack assembly and the website is i mean i'm gonna say it i bet danielle said this website's not gonna work for you bjd hyphen flat hyphen pack hyphen assembly dot business dot site i felt like that pete tong recording then bjd mate get on insta is he on insta uh i don't know if he's on what would you put on insta some flatback furniture

yeah you do before and after swipe to swipe to build tap to build fucking that'd be quite a satisfying uh instagram to follow tap to build and he show you it all laid out the floor and you tap it and then it's fully built like stacy sol Solomon does Tap to Clean. Come on, mate. That website is a fucking mess. There we go. New website, please, mate. And get on Instagram and do that. A bit like the pool guy. Tidy up your website like you tidy up your bloody flat packs. Am I right? And the pool guy on

TikTok. Nick their ideas. Do it that way, basically. I think that would be a very relaxing account to follow. www. I'll just do it again BJD see if you can remember it Rob go

hyphen flat hyphen pack hyphen assembly dot business dot site do you want to repeat that for me Rob? I'll actually type that in to the internet and see if it comes up www. BJD yeah hyphen yeah

flat yeah hyphen pack yeah hyphen assembly yeah i mean there's no way you need assembly in this no one's no one's already got bjd hyphen flat hyphen pack i feel like we've given you too much shit now it's the most advertising you'll ever get in his life to be fair dot pack so hyphen assembly dot business okay dot site by the way i guess i'm in the document i can see michael's just uh he's just uh he's just selected the whole thing so he's obviously searching for it online as well let me do this again how do you spell

ww dot bjd hyphen hyphen. I can't find it. Anyone that thinks this is the driest bit of the show is an idiot. www.assembly.business.site. Yeah. This doesn't exist. Oh, no. How do we get people in contact with this guy? Oh, God.

Where is it? Is there any other information on this website bjd flat i'm googling that bjd flat pack assembly he has done let's be honest by having a fake website he's done very well out of us we've given him more air time than any business has ever even the ones that pay us andrex and boots are furious oh i've got it i've got it you found it bjd flat pack assembly so it is come on he's got https oh leave it out he's got longer https colon forward slash forward slash yep and then it's bjd hyphen flat hyphen pack hyphen assembly dot business dot site so the

www he's not on the world wide web how does that work oh god he's he's marching to his own tune this guy yeah website like i'm still not in there oh it's good actually yeah it's fine yeah he's got testimonials on there still can't find it mate excellent work terrible website jackie art no i literally cannot even get onto his website. Let me Google it. BJD. This has gone on for too long. Flat pack, ham shit. This even comes up on Google. We got to 45 minutes and I thought this would be a lovely edit.

Eight minutes later, I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. What do you mean you're going to edit this bit? This bit's gold. Here he is. Four years in business. Right, anyway, yeah, we found him. Fucking Billy Joe D, whatever, BJD. Is it Billy Joe D? God knows.

Right, I still can't find his website, but apparently he exists. Good luck with the business. Yeah. Right, we haven't really got time for another big shout-out. I'll tell you what, let's give Broccoli Barbara another shout-out. My brother Joe is fully trained up, so you can book him now. He's based in Farringdon, London, but I think he also does other home visits in his spare time, Broccoli Barber, another shout out. My brother Joe is fully trained up, so you can book him now. He's based in Farringdon, London, but I think he also does other home visits in his spare time if you're not near Farringdon and Angel in London.

It's Broccoli Barber on Instagram. I think that's right, isn't it? Or his website is www.broccoli-barber-haircuts-topbusiness.site. Hyphen trim, hyphen frame, fade, hyphen cut hair, dot business, dot site. Oh, dear. That's really tickled me. Get on Instagram, BJD. Yeah, he's called thebroccolibarber on Instagram. And, yeah, get your hair cut, please, people.

Right, Josh, I think that's us done, isn't it? See you Friday. See you on Friday.