Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP31: Have you taken magic mushrooms?...

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

S03 EP31: Have you taken magic mushrooms?...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittaker. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Lily, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh Whittakin. Rob Whittakin. Yeah, well done. There we go.

Oh, that was nice. Very pleased with themselves. Yeah, and rightly so. name is lulu look that was lulu not the lulu that was lulu yeah i was gonna do a really big well then and i thought i don't think i can pull it out i reckon you can go for it go big josh get back to the old you i don't think the old you would have done that though well how's that sounded like you were trapped i don a well? Where are you? Well!

I've met Lulu. Have you? Well, on Zoom. Does that count? You met Lulu on Zoom? Well, I interviewed her when I covered on Radio 2. Have I met someone if I've been on a TV show with them and they're on Zoom? I don't think I've met them.

No, I don't think so. That doesn't go down as a I've met someone so I mean you've talked to her though right but just down zoom would you say you've met someone if you spoke to them on the phone no no I wouldn't yeah and I wouldn't if you're on a tv show and someone rang in like they used to you used to ring in yeah I wouldn't say yeah so I've not met Lulu but I've interviewed her on zoom and I've not met Jamie Foxx he was just on zoom on the one show when you did the one show, did they give you makeup? No, but they gave me the option of having...

I got makeup at home and then got brought in. No, I didn't have that option, but I got there, and I was one of the only people in the studio, but Alex Scott and Jermaine Jenner's got makeup, so I'm just sat here like a little pasty-pale tired mess. Oh, mate. And then Matt Baker come in and he powdered himself. This doesn't even work there.

I know. It felt a bit like David Brent going back into the office. Because it just, it does, doesn't it? You sort of just. Oh, was he promoted as a guest? No, he came on as a guest because he was talking about, he's got a new farming show and he's got a book out and he's. Do you know what, Rob?

Yeah. I've met him. On Zoom or in life on zoom promoting his book yeah and we were both promoting our books on different zooms so i have have i met matt well i've met him on other occasions that's actually a bad example well he's got a new show and then he's got his book out and he's doing a pantomime arena tour and he was sat there on his rickshaw so what You know his children need rickshaw because he's raised 40... Do you take a magic mushroom? Baker's that.

He's talking about his Pantamount Marina tour and he's sat there on his rickshaw. No, he does a rickshaw thing, doesn't he? He's raised like 40 million for charity. Has he? Yeah, but he sat there, right? I went on and was like...

Ferrying people around London? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, charging them loads of money and giving it to charity. Wait, that's like the Lion King. Charge them 30 quid to get back to Trafalgar Square. It'll be 900 quid, but it's going to a youth club in Rotherham. Okay, you happy with that?

No, it did actually... I was there, and Matt Baker was there with his rickshaw, talking about 40 million raised for charity. Where did he park it? He was just at the back of the studio. Then they got Jamie Foxx on. In the studio? Yeah.

Jamie Foxx is talking about, you know, he's won an Oscar and all that. And old silly bollocks is sat there with a pasty face trying his best. Oh, God. Look, Josh, I'm going to stop doing television stuff. Yeah? For a bit.

I'm boring everyone. The nation needs it. The nation needs less of me, I think. But what you've got to remember is very few people are watching all of these things. Lorraine, I got up at 6 30 a.m i went there why she's on at nine i know but i live in southeast london and it's in shepherd's bush it took an hour and 45 minutes to get there i sat on a chair for 10 minutes i barely opened my eyes the conversation ended back in the car for an hour 45 oh my god i God. I came home. It felt like I dreamt it. She covers about 16 topics, Lorraine.

I can never believe it. So quickly. So quickly. I've basically given you my life story. I've done eight minutes, Lorraine. You've flashed up some photos of me that I didn't even know existed. I know. But I'm me.

She popped up. She played a video of me doing stand-up. It looked like I'd just come out the womb. I was so young. It's like fucking this is your life. It's unbelievable. But it's so fast. But then before you know it,

you're talking about chunky knit and ankle boots. Like big chunky knit jumpers and ankle boots with one of the pussycat dolls. It's non-stop. Anyway, let's stop talking about this. I was talking about kids. If someone said, what's it like when your life flashes before your eyes?

It's like going on Lorraine. I was off my head on Lorraine. Sounds like a party drug. The young kids are on Lorraine. The thing is with Lorraine, it's nice and easy, and the thing is it only lasts for 10 minutes. The come down is an hour and 45. No, Lorraine is lovely.

That was all lovely. But I'm very tired from getting up early. I've been getting up earlier than my children for book promo. Oh, that's worse. You must be more or less done by now, Rob. Yes, I'm done. Jonathan Ross is the last thing, and then I've got a few more bits and bobs, but I'm pretty much done now.

Tell you what, Rob. Yeah? I had 20 minutes to myself this morning. Did you? Yeah. What did you do? I read a book. You're not yours, out loud.

No, not me. I don't don't sorry and then we will move on but i've got to read you this absolutely insane instagram i got sorry and then we will move on from we could talk about this come on i went through a period where i read all the instagrams that i get in the extra messages but then yeah who do you think you are happened and it's completely fucked it because so many people are telling me who I just is. Like, it's overfilled it. Have you ever had one? I'm sure you had that after the bucket hat. I've had to turn it off because my Instagram messages,

because I've still got messages I've not read since the Euros. Oh, right. Yeah. So the Euros. I couldn't get through them all. So I just turned it off now. I don't read them. I think they come through.

That's the ultimate stiff neck, loose neck, isn't it, Rob? Yours was ruined by getting drunk at the Euros euros mine by who do you think you are well yeah exactly what do we need to talk about that i've not seen it yet but i know you're uh you're basically royalty in your family home's heaver castle yeah that's the nub of it and i've told you about the groom of the stall haven't i the grooming stall oh was it one of your ancestors used to just help the king have a shit yeah so you don't need to see it now anyway so i looked today right yeah and then we'll move on away from work i will but just this is from someone i don't know i won't say the name hey was surprised to find an audio version of your book read by

james acaster now nothing wrong with james but i want you as the narrator as discussed on the parenting podcast please advise what's he listened to oh so there's no more info no you used to do things with James didn't you on your radio show where he used to read stuff out James Acaster hasn't done a rip-off of my book has he well I don't I think I've not seen much of James he doesn't do much tell anymore maybe he is got a black market in reading other people's books out loud for cashing a hand I would happily listen to Michelle Obama's book read by James Acaster, quite happily. Oh, 100%.

What a career that would be. James Acaster reads the classics. James Acaster reads the Bible. That just sounds like a description of his day. Right, how's your week been? How are your kids? Yeah, they're very good, Rob. They're very good.

I didn't tell you about my four-year-old's birthday day. So what happened on the day of your daughter's birthday? Okay, so it's all been a bit fraught to get it all ready. Yeah. We didn't make the mistake of Christmas and go too many presents because she's too young to know how many presents you're meant to get. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, ignorance is bliss at this stage.

Exactly. You don't want to give them too many anyway. It gets overwhelming for them. No, exactly. So the night before, we basically hadn't got anything ready Do you know what I mean? Yeah, ignorance is bliss at this stage. Exactly. You don't want to give them too many anyway. It gets overwhelming for them. No, exactly. So the night before, we basically hadn't got anything ready because we'd been parenting and working, parenting and working. And I was going to Woking to do a tour show. Yeah.

And I bought her a birthday cake from the M&S in Waterloo Station. Okay. Underwhelming. Cutting the cat a bit there? No. There was a nice stars one, actually. It was quite nice. Because she's getting a proper nice rainbow birthday cake at a party, yeah?

At a party, but just a little one for the day. Yeah, just for the day, right? And then my wife texted me at 5pm and said, can you get any balloons? And you're like, on the way to Woking to do a tour show. Right, so her birthday's the next day? Yeah, next morning. So it's 5pm, your show's at 8pm,

you've got to be there for six to do the soundcheck, you've got to eat at some point, and you've bought a cake, now you've got to try and find balloons. Balloons. Okay, go. There's WH Smith of Waterloo. No, that was my only hope.

The stationers. The stations. The stationers. I mean, it was a long shot. Okay. But Smith's does do some weird shit,

right? Yeah, they do. Yeah, you'll get birthday. You might get a little pack of shit balloons in the corner if you're lucky. But no. I'm not proud of this, Rob.

McDonald's? Texted my tour manager and said, you couldn't pop out and get some balloons, could you? Is that all you said? No more details?

No, it was like, it's my daughter's birthday tomorrow. Okay. Not that you want a little party laughing gas balloons. No, no. You can go out and get some balloons

because I think Woking's going to be a bit tough so I need to get through it. I've got Jack Greenish in. Have you got any Lorraine for telling me through this? So what did he do? Did he go?

Yeah, I arrived at my... There you go. This is what I arrived to, Rob. Genuinely, fair play. But is this a bit beyond the call of duty for this guy? Yeah, it really is. Oh God,

I'm struggling to get it off my phone. Sorry. Josh, I was saying this the other day to my mate. I think you are going to be such a funny old person. Obviously, you're funny now. You're a funny comedian. You're funny in person. You're a funny person.

But I'll suit being old, won't I? You're going to look great. I can just imagine you being wheeled out on some young buck's new panel show in like 40 years' time, and you're just a little old guy. He's got big glasses, big grey curly hair. You're like... Just sort of grumbling along. Like little Widdicombe shuffling in.

Struggling to deal with the new bloody hoverboard. The thing was... Unbelievable! in struggling to deal with the new bloody bloody hoverboard and i think i could look really odd and old i think you'll look good old i'm gonna get saggy no you're gonna look great i think you i think you'll maintain what you've got now just with gray hair and more wrinkles i think there's a danger of me i think i could grow old gracefully or turn into some sort of mad Gary Bucci, you know, sort of big mad, because I've got my big mad teeth and or I'll go the other way and keep dying my hair blonde

you know when Chris Evans did Top Gear and he went too orange again, didn't he? He dyed his hair orange rather than just letting it go grey there's two ways to go about it for me whereas you, I think you're just going to turn into the man from up i'm gonna love it talking of balloons rob i'm just we're on fucking fire here we go this is it isn't it that is some good lorraine

oh so he got two balloons two four-year-old balloons just waiting there in my dressing room when i got that i couldn't believe my eyes do you know what as well though that so you've got two fours in your dressing room like helium floating around but i do think people at the venue must have thought oh my god what a pathetic birthday josh is having he's 44 but that's perfect yeah what a legend your tour manager is obviously uh we can give the tour support lift home because the balloons are in the back so that was uh yeah the tour support blew them up it's got a full you've got a full team working for you now josh you've got a team i've got a team you've got that you've got a team now haven't you got your team that you're my people speak to your people that kind of stuff i've got a balloon guy if you need balloon sourcing i can

get you balloons very quickly mate and then how was the birthday did she like the balloons she loved it she had a good morning we bought her a slide nice which she'd experienced at her friend's house what kind of sheltered life is your she experienced a slide at a friend she must have been down a slide before at four no no she's been on lots of slides but all right okay i didn't know which slide to get and then i'd be like oh she liked that one we'll get the exact same one yep tom allen's still got a slide in his garden i'm supposed to be picking up because his house he got was off people that had kids so he's got a trampoline and a slide and swings how often do you think he goes on there more often than you think you know what he don't go near the swings he don't go on the slide.

The trampoline gets a going over. Yeah, I bet it does. I bet it does. Yeah, he's had a couple of Proseccos. Yeah. He's on there. So we had a lovely morning. Oh, good.

And then we wanted to do something. There's a lot of debate about what we're going to do. We ruled out anything that involved driving because I still haven't pumped up the tyres. Anything that involved driving. What can we walk to up the tyres. Anything that involved driving. What can we walk to with a newborn and a four-year-old?

So we're going to go to the aquarium. Taxi into town. Taxi into town. Fair enough. It's birthday, Rob. Treat yourselves. Right.

We had a lovely meal in Oaxaca. Yeah. She changed her mind on the way and decided she wanted to go on the London Eye, which I don't think

is a four-year-old's entertainment. I'm going to no i i think the london eye looks a lot i i'm have you been on say this uh yes i am it's boring yeah i'm bored of being higher up i don't know if i've mentioned this before i've done the burj khalifa i know you have yeah jack d we did it with jack d didn't you i did how did you know that um he mentioned it on a really funny podcast what's upset you now paul mccaffrey and sean walsh oh yeah what did he say about it he listened to that it's well good no but i will basically what's up he set you now they just moan for 15 minutes and you know paul and sean yeah they're very good at moaning and then they've got jack d on it it's an absolute moan fest but he mentioned going up the burj khalifa with you and he's got a photo of you

two at the burj khalifa which again is boring it's just higher up and when you've already been on a plane I've been as high as I can get yeah so now I've landed why go up a bit higher but not as high as already was two days ago totally so that's my view on being up high and I was dreading I was thinking being stuck in a pod can you imagine like if she doesn't like this early doors and you've got the baby in there. We're in trouble here. What if someone proposes in your pod? Oh my god can you imagine? I'd hate that. I'd hate to be near that. Even if they said yes.

It'd be my worst nightmare. When I went up the Eiffel Tower people were proposing all over the fucking shop. It was a nightmare. You couldn't even get to see Paris. Get to tripping over people. People bloody down on their knee on left, right and centre. Me and Lou did that cringe thing where we put a padlock on a bridge.

Did you? When we were young. About 25, I think. Oh, that's nice. I like that. Have you been back to see it? We went back two years later and what they do is they basically

every six months cut off the metal because it weighs down the bridge and then melt it down and sell it. Oh's nice and that in a way is what love is it soon becomes a business transaction it does oh that's because you had a nice birthday we didn't go up the thing no she got there and she decided the wheel was too big fair enough so uh there was a carousel love it got on that then the guy already on, he said, you've got to go on the same horse. And I said, why have you got to go on the same horse?

And he said, because this is the fastest carousel in the United Kingdom. Okay, so why do you have to stand on the same horse? Is that horse quicker than the others? Because she couldn't be trusted to be on a horse on her own. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant the second time round. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You really staked it.

Got to go on the same horse because they get used to you. Because it's the fastest one in, was it Europe? Yeah, United Kingdom, I think he said. Or maybe you're right, I can't even remember. He just, the fastest one. At that point, I was like, I wish we weren't on this now. Because I hadn't moved by this point. I was like, she's going to fucking hate this.

Somehow. Does she tap her hands like you do when she's nervous no she hasn't picked that up luckily it was fast rob but it wasn't it was fast but he was he was making claims really that he shouldn't have been because it was fine yeah yeah but like who's gonna go back and go i want a refund i can i can send this to you now if you want to put it to me on the faster. Josh on the fastest carousel in the UK. Does that look fast enough? I mean, it's

got a pace to it. It's not as fast as that mad little dragon ride I went to at Pepper. Oh, there you go in your little yellow anorak. Yeah, yellow anorak. Spot the widdow cum. That is too fast for a child on their own, though. I know what you mean. Exactly.

And then she didn't even want to go to the aquarium. There was just a park there. So we basically ended up going to a fucking park on the South Bank. She just ended up climbing on some ropes and going down a slide. We'd literally bought you one. And now we've travelled to the South Bank. Well, that's the thing. That's what they'll enjoy more.

Exactly. You go, it's her day. It's her day. They drag their kids somewhere for a photo. Yeah, I'm not a massive fan's the thing. That's what they'll enjoy more. Exactly. You go, it's her day. It's her day. They drag their kids on there for a photo. Yeah, I'm not a massive fan of the aquarium. It's all right. Yeah. No biggie.

It's fine. But I would prefer a carousel and a park. Yeah, of course. That's a nice little birthday. It was lovely. It was very pleasant. Very pleasant. Oh, nice.

You seem a lot more chilled. I am. A bit more calmer. I went to the gym this morning, had 20 minutes on my own reading a book and well as of this morning i've cut out caffeine oh really i just decided to rob how's that going well fine i've just had two decaf teas i've just had two lines of charlie two lines of lorraine and i'm fine that was a bit of the rain on the gums and i'm i don't even notice it i don't even miss it. Exactly.

No, I've just had two decaf teas and I've realised what I like about tea is drinking tea rather than the actual non-existent hit that I get off it. And I'm feeling better for that. I've got to calm down my coffee. I'm going to have a little break from coffee. Because at the moment I'm working evenings because I'm doing book events and tour shows and telly stuff. And then I'm also working early doing all these radio appearances. So that's going to be my little thing once the book's done. No caffeine for me.

Well, I'm definitely going to drink caffeine every day. I don't know what. I always do this. Someone tells me something they're doing that's good. And I go, yeah, I'll do that as well. No, I'm not going to. I'm going to have one coffee every day. Going from coffee to nothing is much more difficult than going from tea to nothing, I think.

Yes, exactly. So I'll go to one a day and then I'll work backwards from there because they're not getting up as early in there. I tell you what's quite good as well. Half term is quite nice because they sleep. You don't have to be up and out. You know,

the kids might be up early. Oh yeah. Morning. It's just relaxed. Exactly. Let her watch a bit of telly. You know, I've got to give Lou some respect.

Okay. We went to the gym to the little, they've got a little like soft play bit in the gym cafe right and by the way can i still use the mother and baby space or the parent and baby space i don't know what the the term for it is you know there's the little buggy sign on the floor yeah so you can park near the shop so disabled and there's the family parking yeah can i still park in the parent and baby space i've got a four-year-old and a six-year-old yeah i think so so what when's when do we stop when do you stop when's the i think it's when the kid can't clip themselves in and out the the car seat oh but my daughter's started going she can clip out she can't clip in yeah exactly

because really you need the door open wide so you can lean in to do it don't you so is that the cut off if they can and can't do it oh is that why you get that for car seat it's for the clipping well i think it's just more space because you've got to get the buggy in and out also with a baby you've got a big thing that comes in and out that they and you need the space to wiggle them in and out and stuff where when it's close together you can't really get out can you no so i just don't know when the cutoff is that's that if anyone knows if we can try and get a common consensus can we get a view on this is there a law is there a law has anyone ever been challenged on it has anyone ever challenged on it have you been fined yeah have you been fined for it are you in prison for it

listening to this now oh the other thing is well lou, me and Lou combined did a good deed in the gym cafe. Oh, yeah. Because me and Lou, I like to think it's like synergy with us. We're very different, but then we come together for good. Right, yeah. We're a bit like the Power Rangers. Yeah, of course. No, Captain Planet, remember that?

Yeah, of course I remember Captain Planet, yeah. It's sort of like loud, confident and then sensible, good at decision making. You know, that kind of stuff. And there was a lady that had a baby strapped to her in like a papoose thing, little four-month-old baby.

She just dropped her like older kid off in swimming and then her two-year-old was going absolutely fucking bananas, right? And you know when a kid is just having a meltdown but it was like

every single person in that cafe knew that a kid was going mental and she couldn't really properly sort the kid out because she had this baby on her chest because you know what they're like then they're sort of kicking and screaming a little bit you have to sort of grab them and go no stop it but you can't when you've got a baby so in the end we was like i said oh do you want us to have the baby while you sort out oh the toddler and then she went yeah sure and then i don't really like holding babies josh especially someone else's it's too tense it's too tense lou loves it straight to lou lou's lovely but would sometimes be a bit too shy to say

look let's face it your kid's lost his head do you want a hand because the kid had gone nuts right so we did that and then lou looked after the baby and just sort of looked after baby while the mum calmed down the two and the two i weren't being that bad you know a classic two-year-old having a little strop but if you've got a kid struck to you you can't do it can you so we did that and it was our little good deed oh that's nice and i just felt like that should be done more if you you see someone doing that, then offer. Because they might not want you to go. But I remember when I had kids going mental, if one could take the baby off you, it's so much easier, isn't it?

Totally. But Lou was an absolute legend with it, though. Because, you know, babies can get a bit funny. How long did it take for it all to settle down? Well, we've still got the baby. I'm having to get rid of the dog. No, it's only like 10 minutes or so. Yeah.

Like five, 10 minutes. Oh, the other thing that happened as well, which made me laugh. Right, so we've got little electric toothbrushes for the girls. They're sort of like buzzed for how long you need to do it. Oh, yeah. And we're doing it, but they need to start doing it themselves. There's like a little app you can get for it or whatever. Anyway, Lou's not very good at charging the toothbrushes and had been basically at one

point all the toothbrushes were dead apart from my one and i literally three days in a row couldn't brush my teeth before i left the house because i didn't know where my toothbrush was because lou's grabbing it doing everyone's teeth all the whole everyone's mouth at once like we've got one disgusting i know we're all family but that can't be right yeah and then just putting it down Lou's grabbing it, doing everyone's teeth. The whole, everyone's mouth at once. Like, we've got one. Disgusting. I know we're all family, but that can't be right. And then just putting it down wherever she did the kid's teeth. So every morning was like some sort of hunt to find my toothbrush. And then I just went, Lou, I know it's busy in the morning,

but I need, you keep hiding my toothbrush. And I don't want, because you don't have to be sensitive. You don't want to cause an argument. I just need to know where my toothbrush is going to be be so i don't mind if you use it but i just have to know or you have to tell me because i can't i haven't got time to hunt a toothbrush every day like that and then she said to me it was so funny like this conversation she just went sorry she was really sorry i've just i've just totally lost control of the toothbrush situation. She really made me laugh.

It was so sincere and apologetic. She was like, I'll just tell you, I've lost control. And I said, just... She really made me laugh. Shall we do some Instagram messages, unless you've got anything else to talk about? Or we've got loads of people messaging about the word they use

when they've got time left to fast forward through on Sky Plus or Virgin Plus whatever it's called whatever you have at home where you've recorded a show and you're

fast forwarding through it Simon calls it pause credits pause credits so when you've paused it and then obviously time's elapsed when you've gone to the toilet

have we got any pause credits yeah that's nice we've got this one from ali willett is there anything in the bank yeah nice because me and lou's call it juice we got any juice yeah right we got any juice um me and my girlfriend used the simple term wind on yeah nice because that's retro isn't it wind on wind on like a vhs isn't it and then for example have we got any wind on left this bit's shit this bit so they do it during bits oh here's a variant on it you're watching a football match and say you're five minutes behind yeah but you you want to catch up so you slowly like you try and catch up in bits of dead football match yeah like if it's going out for a throw or an injury like oh yeah you're like oh that's i can't 20 seconds back here yeah that's like the yeah the opposite isn't it i'm trying because you

want to get it live so you can talk about it with your mates yeah so you're trying to do catch up because there's nothing worse than being 10 minutes behind a football match that's nil nil and all of a sudden your little football whatsapp group starts buzzing off you know oh no something's happened oh yeah what has happened oh zappage have we got any zappage left oh zappage that's pretty cool pretty happening bit edgy yeah that one was from joely cole this one's from goldie ball the fast forwarding credit thing to skip to the ads we refer to it as gumption have we got any gumption have we run out of gumption gumption that's a lovely word to use lovely gumption yeah so i'll make a point of saying

their names because people get get the um don't say their names. I need to find the cum woman's name. You know the woman who sent the cum video? Oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah, you do need to find her name and send it to police. No, the woman that sent the video of her kid seeing cum had been carved in. Yeah, carved in a tree. The word cum.

The word cum had been carved into a tree before. Yeah, the cum woman. And here she is, Emma Clark, carved into a tree Before Yeah The cum woman Here she is Emma Clark A.K.A The cum woman There we go She's not got anything

To complain about now Have you got anything else To talk about from your week Josh No I'd like to hear From our listeners Because we don't get To do that enough Do we

No we've been bad recently We've been blabbering on I've got a couple here Oh this is a good one. Hello, Rob and Josh. Hearing Rob's recollection of how song lyrics in a foreign language sent him into a spiral of confusion reminded me of something I used to do to annoy my children. I'm a father of two boys, now age seven and nine, as well as a daughter who's almost one.

When my boys were younger, I discovered that I could annoy them by changing their language choice on Netflix to their favourite programmes. When my boys were younger, I discovered that I could annoy them by changing their language choice on Netflix to their favourite programmes. After a particularly challenging day, it was always a small victory to change the language to dubbed Spanish or Urdu on Peppa Pig and watch my sons go through complete confusion, often saying, I can't understand Peppa anymore or Peppa's doing that thing again. Peppa's speaking Urdu. Where's Urdu from? What language is Urdu? It's from India.

Sorry. It's from India. God. You've got loads of energy today, have you? I was up at five. Up at five, Rob. What, with the babies? Or just you want to catch up on that magical time

to watch another documentary? I didn't even get to do that. What did I do? Just time passed and then it was normal time. Do you know what? It's so funny because I've been doing loads of PR interviews for stuff and there was one where it was a quick fire one. It was like, if you had 20 minutes to live, what would you do?

And I just said, I'd just sit there and wait. And it was like a young sort of like 20 like 22 year old journalist who was like yeah and i was like yeah they just looked at me it just looked so sad like you just sit there and wait for like the end of the world i was like yeah i'll just sit and wait uh just to correct myself on urdu it's spoken in pakistan and india there we go also you weren't wrong it was you know so i wasn't wrong yeah but it is you know. So I wasn't wrong. But it is the official state language of Pakistan. It's the official language of Pakistan. Okay, cool.

Fair enough. Right. Hi, Rob and Josh. I feel obliged to put your hamster guilt in perspective. If it makes you feel even slightly better, when my mum, auntie and uncle were children, they were midway through their tea. They were having a stew.

Oh, by the way, the hamster guilt obviously is that um you have uh told your children that your hamster's leaving and you're considering faking his death yes but what we've decided on is having a grown-up conversation with them and we've said he's going on holiday at someone else's house because we've got lots of pets and it's nice to share yeah because you were gonna kill it say gone canoeing and then uh got lost yeah i'm gonna claim back some pet insurance i'm gonna do a bit of fraud let's get insurance for hamster can you insure hamster hello uh hello at the parenting hell what's wrong what's wrong with the hamster it's a it's either he'll be fine or he's going to die. Okay. Is there any life savings?

Do people do operations on hamsters? Do people do operations on hamsters? Hello, at Lockdown Parenting or whatever it is. You know how to get in touch. Do you? It'll be in the description. If it makes you feel slightly better, when my mum, auntie and uncle were children,

they were midway through their tea having a stew. When my grandad began to tell the tale about how their pet rabbit had passed away. But it wasn't all bad news because at least it had made a delicious evening meal. Oh no, is that true? Not satisfied with the already psychotic bit of fun, he'd gone to the effort of hiding the rabbit so that his distraught children

found an empty cage when they ran to check oh what a sicko classic deranged boomer parenting i feel the need to stress this wasn't part of a pattern of abuse and everyone involved enjoys the joke in hindsight oh yeah tell that to your therapist of course they do yeah yeah i hope this provides some sort of scale of parental trauma that's reassuring to rob thanks for for the content, Kelby. We've come a long way, haven't we, since the boom apparent? We really have, haven't we? Some would say too far. Some would say that is a bit too much, wouldn't they?

Yeah, like, you know, it's a bit of banter. It's like when I didn't want to go swimming in the Irish Sea, my dad just picked me up and threw me in the sea. You know, it was just old school parenting. Exactly, and it made you the man you are today. Yeah! Just listening to today's episode, It was just old school parenting. Exactly. And it made you the man you are today. Yeah. Just listening to today's episode,

talking about Alexa playing WAP. And Rob talking about, it has just turned on my Alexa in the other room. And WAP has started playing loud and clear for my three-year-old. Oh, oh no. From Sarah. Also, you played my neck, my back for Claire. My neck, my back for Em.

No worries. Do you want to do another one now, Rob? Just say something inappropriate for Alexa to do? Why don't we do that as a regular feature? Alexa, play a speech by Adolf Hitler. Alexa, play the YouTube clip of Vanessa Feltz getting angry on Big Brother and writing on the table in chalk. It's quite niche. I think that's going to be a tough one to get through.

Yeah. I mean, but, you know, it's better than the other option we had. Yeah. Do you want to hear something awful? Yeah, always. From Ed Schwartz. Ed Schwartz. He does the guys the spices.

Yeah, he is the guy. Alf, our 15-month-year-old, is now mobile and can now reach into low cupboards. I actually think this is too horrible to read out, but we'll see how it goes. He took out my beard trimmer from the bottom shelf in the bathroom, and my wife found him pulling at her face

and pulling hair out of his mouth. Oh. The only thing is it wasn't my beard hair. I had decided, you're correct where your mind has gone, Rob. The kid's eating pubes. The kid's eating pubes. I'll cut out the description,

but the email ends, understandably, my wife was fuming. Why, did she like a big bush? Oh, you haven't got bald dick again. You know I don't like it too short. I like a bit of purchase uh i've got i've got a little insta here from hayley hi josh and rob love the podcast as a new parent it's great to listen to other parents experience the same sort of things really hayley

how many pubes have your children eaten i've just listened to the episode where someone placed an online shopping order and random bits in the basket and forgot to amend it well i've had numerous online shopping errors. It's not even funny. I usually order 10 individual bananas. However, one week I actually ordered 10 bags of seven, meaning 70 bananas arrived. The worst thing is my husband accepted the order,

not even thinking to question the large number of bananas. Another time we had gone away to a holiday park and I did an online shop order. The next week I did my usual shop. The delivery driver rang to see if I was in. Oh, no. Oh, God. Safe to say I'm no longer allowed to do the online shopping. Keep up the good work from Hayley. Rose once was ordering an Indian takeaway for herself. Yeah.

And she ordered five poppadoms, which I think is too many for one person anyway. Oh, you're all just shaming your wife, are you, on the podcast? How many poppadoms would you order, Rob? For me, I would go two or three. Three or three. Yeah, she ordered five poppadoms. And then it turned out that each, it was five portions of poppadoms, and each portion was five poppadoms. So she ended up with 25 poppadoms and then it turned out that each, it was five portions of poppadoms and each portion was five poppadoms. So she ended up with 25 poppadoms.

Why have they brought it? Why have they not said? Come on, guys. Someone's made an error here. It's a weird order. They had 25 poppadoms and one biryani. But that's the thing. They never make it clear.

I never know what to get. Because I never know. I always would go two or three. And then, yeah, because you don't know if it's going to be five. I'm going to have a curry tonight. What is wrong with me? I'm so susceptible. You've mentioned.

The moment I started talking about poppadoms, I thought, do you know what? On my way to my gig, I might get some of those mini poppadoms from M&S. You'll eat them when you're old as well when you're shuffling on those TV shows in your pocket you'll whip out

a little mini poppadom because you get hungry halfway through do you want to know something terrible Rob about the crisps in your pocket go on

yesterday I picked up my daughter from nursery yeah and the bus was like oh so this was a disaster this bus journey so the bus was like nine minutes away

I could see so I was like I will go to the shop yeah and then there was a disaster this bus journey so the bus was like nine minutes away I could see so I was like I will go to the shop and then there was a carved pumpkin outside and there was another one and she was like I was like

oh I'll get you a pumpkin nice thing to do fuck me a pumpkin is heavy like a big pumpkin and when you're getting on a bus as well and you've got all your stuff

in your pocket and you're carrying a large pumpkin so as well and you've got all your stuff in your pockets and you can't bring another pumpkin so I've got this huge pumpkin that's the size of a beach ball right

and then we go into the shop I get a drink and she gets a drink and then she's like can I have some crisps and normally they have normal sized

hula hoops which I'd get her but they only had the grab bag the big ones oh no so i bought them but i was like i can't ever eat the whole of them all of them yeah the whole's fine am i right a bit bit fun you still are enjoying yourself exactly so managed to get the pumpkin and the crisps on the bus. Yeah. And then I basically start asking if I can share her hula hoops to try and eat into the amount of hula hoops that she's eating,

if you know what I mean. Oh, because you don't want her to have too many hula hoops? Yeah. Okay. I'm on a diet at the moment, so I don't want to eat the hula hoops. So I end up asking if I can share her hula hoops, and when she's not looking, pocketing the hula hoops she gives me so that I can throw them away later, like I'm in The Great Escape.

What? While holding a fucking massive pumpkin. How many arms have you got? It was on my lap, like a kind of heavy baby. In my head, you're just using your nose to press the bell. Just put some air in your tyres. Just put some air in your tyres. Just put some air. No, no, no.

Well, normally it is actually quicker to get the bus back than drive there and back. Oh, because you're parking? Because of parking. Yeah. Oh, I suppose your car.

No, because of parking and because also the bus can obviously cut through traffic, can't it? Oh, yes, it can. The bus lanes, as they're also known. Bloody bus lanes,

am I right? I've got a good story here we can end on then do small business shout out yeah yeah okay hi josh and rob love your podcast it's therapies it's from claire park i don't know if she wanted to be anonymous but too late claire we can always bleep that out heard the one today about the train eating hair story this was a girl that was playing with a train set and the train started sort of driving up her hair and all the hair got caught in the wheels and had to cut cut it out and she had a big uh bald patch in the side of her head and this poor kid anyway it reminded me of a story of someone i know anyway oh so it's not it's not her it's a friend okay claire yeah sure anyway i think

she's been very protective over her partner the dad was having a bath with his little boy with all the bath toys. One of them was a submarine which had a mini propeller of the elastic band wind-up type. So a little wind-up propeller. The little boy set it off under the water. The submarine managed to find its way to dad's penis. And the propeller got caught up in his foreskin. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Like a manatee being mauled in Florida. He couldn't get it off his foreskin. No. How? What?

He couldn't get it off his foreskin, so he had to put on some jogging bottoms and go to A and E. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God. With the absolute embarrassment of having to say on arrival, I have a submarine stuck on my penis. After some microsurgery,

a bit harsh on the size of his dick, isn't it? Microsurgery. Just call it surgery. Even if it is microsurgery, if you't it? Micro surgery. Just call it surgery. Even if it is micro surgery, if you're operating on my cock, just call it surgery. Major surgery. We had to build a nightingale hospital

to get this cock in to operate on it. Anyway, it was micro surgery and they were able to successfully remove it. I think so. If they hadn't't we'd have heard about it by now the bloke who's still got a submarine on his dick so they had to do some surgery to remove it no more wind-up toys in the bath love the podcast so much my kids are all grown up 21 23 and 26 but i still laugh and laugh claire park that oh that poor bloke's car oh my

word what i mean did they remove anything apart from the submarine? Microsurgery is such a broad term. Did he go under? Like, minor surgery, they should call it, not microsurgery, shouldn't they? Pathetic little acorn in a bird's nest surgery. Poor bloke. Poor bloke. Oh, that's the last thing you want to happen to your foreskin, isn't it, Josh?

It's quite literally the last thing you want to happen to your foreskin. Or dipping it, Josh? It's quite literally the last thing you want to happen to your foreskin. Or dipping it in something not nice. Dipping it in boiling water. Oh, my God. That'd be worse, wouldn't it? Yeah, I don't think I've... Oh, right, no, I'm not going to tempt fate, but I don't think I've ever had any foreskin-based accidents.

Or just sort of dabbing it on an upturned snail. That'd be a horrible feeling, wouldn't it? Oh, my God, yeah. Could you imagine? Do you know what? There'll be some people that find that a turn on, Rob. There's some sickos at home that are just being turned on by what you've just said. Little upside down snail dick sicko.

They didn't know until you said it and now that's all they can think about. You dirty bastards. Get out that garden. Those poor little snails. They can't even escape. They're so slow. You'll grab them, turn them over, dab your dick on it and get on with your day. Not thinking for a second about that poor snail.

Right, shall we do a small business shout out? Micro business shout out. Yeah, I've got Steve the snail here. Oh, he runs a rescue centre for snails. Of course you dig, you big pervert. An absolute fuck farm. That's what it is. Right, let's do a small business shout out. Here we go. I can't do a small business shout out here we go i can't do a

small business shout out for whippets oh my god the whippet the people the whippet correspondence i'm getting is getting out of hand oh mate you're so deep in you're like a mason now i'm a whippet guy here we go i've got one here hello i've got a small business shout out for you with an easy website address, I promise. Whilst not parents ourselves, we absolutely love the podcast. Before COVID, my partner set up a home bakery specialising in weddings and kids' birthdays.

Obviously locked down here and she had to adapt to start doing care boxes, brownies through the post. She found out that early on, she created a real niche for people sending these to new parents that needed a sugary fix to help them through the sleepless months you can check them out at and it's at slice of yorkshire and www.sliceofyorkshire.com slice of yorkshire good people good slice yorkshire yeah you do something like the kind

of yorkshireman that's looking for a snail. Yeah, good counter, good snails. Yorkshire. I love it in country me, and they love me in their country. Yorkshire. That sounded disgusting. It sounded like the end of a serial killer drama. Yeah, that was too much, wasn't it?

Yeah, sorry about that. That was too much. Yorkshire, where I get snails and drop my dick on them. There we go. Is that a better way to be a Yorkshire pervert? Yeah, I think that's nice. Yeah, that's nice. Okay.

Okay, I'm just going to choose one at random, Rob. So, hi, just listened to the episode where Rob announces he's getting a Whippet. There's actually a lot of Whippet-related small businesses. Oh, my God, I'm the Whippet guy. But I would like to give a shout-out to ray design wear who started their sighthound clothing and accessory business during the first lockdown and all the items have been tried and tested on their seven whippets i'm a motherfucking sat dog i'm a sat dog i'm a street oh wow a side they're called side they're called side i'm a sat down design I'm a street dog. Oh, wow. A side dog. They're called side dogs. They're called side dogs.

I'm a side dog. Speedway Design, where? I'll let you do it. Sorry. Are they going to come close to Jimmy Sausage or whatever it was called? Jimmy Chibbolat. I'm a side dog. I see things, yeah.

I've seen things you've not seen before. I'm a side dog. Your array of impressions is phenomenal today. This is a great business based, Rob, in Lancashire. Oh, Northern. Even more North. No, no. Yorkshire's more North. business based, Rob, in Lancashire. Oh, Northern. Even more North. No, no, Yorkshire's more North. Anything you got on that?

Lancashire. Lancashire. Like no man born from his mother. Like Tyson Fury's Lancaster, isn't he? Yeah. Lancaster with a traveller twang. John Richardson. John Richardson.

He's a bit more gentle, isn't he, John Richardson? Than Tyson Fury, slightly. John Richardson looks like Tyson Fury keeps John Richardson as a pet. Speed Ray Design where you can use our discount code DOBBY10 D-O-B-B-Y 10 all in capitals

apart from the 10 which is in numbers www.speedraydesignware.com And they do g-lays g-lays for whippets of course it's fucking g-lays they ain't got arms they don't need sleeves it's not gonna put their arms on a table all dog wears g-lay in it yeah they don't need their legs covered do they well no i don't suppose they don't. By the way, I haven't got anything off this company.

Don't think this is some sort of dodgy deal in shady business. The way it's going, I don't think you are going to. No,

I'm not getting involved in any of that. Lou's buying it separately. I'm not doing all that shit. She's up to her eyeballs and whip at G-Lays.

Oh, man, she's just buying sleeves. She's just buying sleeves? She ain't doing the middle. Just pure sleeves. Oh, man, she knows. She's just buying sleeves. She's just buying sleeves. She ain't doing the middle. Just pure sleeves. Oh, my word. What's happened? I'm just looking at the website.

Oh, no. What is it? One of them's got a roll neck. What? I thought they were skinny dogs. It's a good laugh, isn't it, this show? The whole family can enjoy it, apart from the snails. Oh, fat Whippet neck.

Big Whippet. Big, fat, wobbly whippet necks. Let's have a look at this. They are funny. They have ugly looking dogs, don't they? Oh, my word. These ones look like they're football hooligans. One's on an away day.

The little anorak. One's got a razor blade in his collar. Oh, look. There you go. Look, gilets. Look at that. Oh, wow. Look, they're all gilets. None of them have got leg things. Oh. Oh, dear. Well, there you go look at that oh wow no they're all g-lays none of them have got

leg things oh oh dear well there we go i can't wait to see what you get yours oh jesus christ we'll be back on friday with jimmy carr yes he's got a child he's got a child he's kept it quiet yeah but he wanted to get on the show so he had to come out as a dad we'll see you on friday yeah you can only you can only go so long before you monetize your children remember that exactly um wicked all right thanks guys see you then