Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP33: Can we start with the f**king clocks....

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

S03 EP33: Can we start with the f**king clocks....More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL:��[e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parents in Hell with... OK, can you say Rob Beckett and Josh Whittacombe? Rob Beckett and Josh Whittacombe. Can I have the car keys now? Yes, home before ten. What is that? Are we an American sitcom now?

That is. Emily Byrne, I am a big, big fan of your show. Listening to your struggles makes me relive my early days with her son Cormac. Cormac? Like Cormac McCarthy. You guys keep me laughing. The little ones trying to say your names are lovely. Such a shock when my son's voice changed from when he was a little angel to who is this man in the house.

When Cormac was little, my friend advised me to enjoy every stage of his growing up. I'm still having fun with this kid. This is such an American attitude. I'm still having fun with this kid. Come on already. Get off the sidewalk, you schmuckle. Cormac already. Sorry, it's Rob there

because we seem to have crossed lines with them. I'm in such a fucking weird mood, mate. My head's all over the gaff. Is that because you've been working as a New York taxi driver? Yep, just finished a shift on Broadway. Hakuna Matata. They're from Brooklyn, aren't they? The water hog and the meerkat from the Lion King.

Yeah, they are, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I made sure he got his driver's license as soon as he could. The car keys are my best leverage these days. Pittsburgh. No. Ever been? Never been to Pittsburgh.

So someone's listening to us with a son called Cormac in Pittsburgh, America. Too bloody right, mate. Too bloody right. What state's Pittsburgh? Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Is that right? That's near Philadelphia. I just said that.

Like, you know when you're like, is that right? Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh sounds a bit like, you know when you're like is that right pittsburgh um pittsburgh sounds a bit like you know when you're like you're sweating a bit and it'll be like absolutely pittsburgh pittsburgh tennessee under your arm it is it is pennsylvania i'm absolutely delighted with that rob what a start i love an american city the most excited i'll ever be is when i land in american city and then you just get in a cab and you drive to the center of it philadelphia is amazing because you fly over their um you fly over their sports stadiums i've told you about this before haven't i you love a sports mate i love a sports stadium from a train imagine i take it from the fucking train man a stadium from the air so basically they've got i swear i don't know if i've told you this but they have their baseball

hockey NBA and NFL stadiums all together like a giant industrial estate like an Ikea and a Costco

type vibe and in the middle of it is a massive bar that all of the fans go in and get pissed then they go to the games it sounds

absolutely awful Rob it's oh shut up you love it stop trying to be all stiff you love getting pissed and watching sport.

I do enjoy getting pissed. This is why we get on. Do you... Because if you bore me, I'll just sling a beer down your neck. I know. That's weird, isn't it? Because you have been drinking

through these podcasts. That's the worst thing. I've come back from Dubai. I got pissed every night, Josh. Did you? I'm exhausted. Yeah. So tell me about Dubai.

Anyway, let's talk about Cormac. No, we don't need... We don't need to talk anymore about Cormac. We've talked enough about Cormac. No, no, no. Let's knuckle it down. Where's Cormac going? Why do you need the car?

Can't he get an Uber? Let me send you this picture of Philadelphia from the sky. It's great. You'll love it. It's really exciting. Just look at... I flew over that, Josh. How many coffees you had today, Rob?

Two. Two too many. Yeah, you can feel it. You can fucking feel it. I've been up so early. The clock's fucked me. I've been up since half four. Can we start with the fucking clocks? Yes let's start with the fucking clocks.

It's the worst thing in the world. It's horrible. Whoever came up with it needs to be tried for war crimes at the Hague because it is fucking genuinely it is the worst thing anyone has ever done is I don't know if it works better in spring.

I can't remember because I never know which way it's going. Whatever the way the clocks go, if you've got kids, your week's fucked. Yeah, completely fucked. That's basically what it is. Awful. I woke up at 5am and then my kids come and say, I'm hungry. And I was like, I'm hungry. I was like, you can't be, it's 5am.

But it wasn't, it was 6 six in their head oh my god and also i was in dubai that's three hours ahead i'm four hours back oh mate i went to bed at half eight last night we went to a halloween party everyone was exhausted because you have to wait till it's dark to do a trick-or-treating and with a free halloween is not for young children i don't think you can't go fucking changing the clocks the night before trick-or-treating, because then when you're meeting up at six, it's really seven. Exactly, your whole bath time's ruined, and I'm walking along the street with the kids crying,

carrying them because they're tired, and then there's like teenagers, like 13-year-olds, dressed as aliens, spraying squirty, squirty foam, green squirty foam, and I literally said to my head, if one of those kids sprays it in my face, I'm going to punch him. Even though he's 14. That's what I decided on in my head.

Trick or salt? The ultimate salt. The ultimate salt when Rob Beckett punched a teenager. Have you seen the photo of the sports stadiums from the sky? Oh, no. Let's have a look. Imagine flying over that, Josh. Oh, wow. Look at that.

Lots of parking. Lots of parking. Tailgate, mate. Basically, Americans flying over that, Josh. Oh, wow. Look at that. Lots of parking. Lots of parking. Tailgate, mate. Basically, Americans go to sport, get absolutely off their face, watch the sport, then drive home.

Must be over the limit. Can't believe it. I don't really like drinking when I go to the football because you go to the football and then you meet someone for a drink and you have two pints beforehand and then you can't drink in the stadium. So basically you're just sobering up at a football match.

You just have to sneak it in. When Grimsby played Palace, in Palace, obviously because Lloyd's a Grimsby fan, he got his tickets, but in the way end. So I had to go in the away end, even though Palace is probably my closest club. And then it's all quite laddy in the away end. And I went to the bar, ordered 25 bottles of lager. Why? Because there was loads of us.

There was about 10 of us. And then we all hid it in our clothes and then took it out and drank. I got absolutely battered in 45 minutes. Oh, Rob. It was one of the greatest 45 minutes of my life. Grimsby versus Palace. One of the greatest 45 minutes of my life. What would be the best 45 minutes of your life?

Well, I illegally drank two bottles of beer at groomsbury versus palace and that was one of the best 45 minutes of my life well not maybe top 10 no no no let's be kind to my life top 25 okay oh god so how are you with the clocks? You screwed... It's shit. Let's talk about clocks first and then Dubai. It's shit. It's shit. It's shit. It's shitty, shitty shit. So my son has been waking up between 4.45 and 5.30. But when that becomes between 3.45 and 4.30, that is off the scale unfair.

How do breakfast DJs do it? I think you have to be slightly insane. I did a week on XFM Breakfast once. Yeah. And I would say the opposite end of my life scale to Grimsby versus Crystal Palace. It was the worst week. Not because the shows were perfectly acceptable

because that's the bit when you're kind of engaged. And then at 10 a.m you're like well what the fuck do i do in my life now i'm jet lagged yeah your pace i think you have to accept your jet lags for your life working in radio right where the best job you can get is the worst job like it's just insane that that's the way it works you know i've got a lot of respect for it because four hours at a radio show is too long, I think. You know, Justin Morales used to do a radio show on Radio Manchester or something. It was a two-hour show.

And then because it all changed to four hours during COVID because it was less people in the studio and, you know, everyone doing their bit. Anyway, they've stuck with that now. And Justin Morales has gone, no, leave it. I can't be arsed. be asked absolute legend four hours is a long time on your own playing songs that let's face it you normally don't get to pick and pretending to love life like five days a week four hours i know it's not like a long shift in a in a proper job but four hours is a long time isn't't it? Just talking to yourself. And Rob. Yeah. I've been spending far too much time with the guy that does the 3am till 7am on Six Music when I'm up.

And I just feel for him. Who's the guy doing... So someone's doing 3am till 7am? I think that must be his shift. Because Lauren... Oh no, it's 7.30 he finishes because that's when Lauren Laverne starts. Oh. Also, you know, Lauren Laverne starts oh also you know

Lauren Laverne she does a bit of Radio 4 doesn't she does a bit of Desert Island diss now she's gone look guys I'm busy

I'm a big dog now I want to come in at 7.30 oh 7.30am is an absolute power play I know all that happens is that poor bastard who's been there since 3

is like oh fucking hell Laverne would you have if I told you this before that when when Jamie Theakston and Emma Bunton used to co-host Oh, fucking hell, Laverne. If I told you this before, when Jamie Theakston and Emma Bunton used to co-host The Heart Breakfast, he'd start half an hour before her. I'm opening up the shop.

Yeah, I'm opening up the shop. Well, actually, it's good I get paid extra as a keyholder. As a keyholder for Heart FM, I actually get a little bit more money than the Spice Girl. Oh, my gosh. Really? Imagine that first half hour on your own. So, who does art, though?

Because Amanda Holden's knocking about. Kelly Brook. It's Amanda Holden and Jamie Theakston, isn't it? Ashley Roberts and Kelly Brook are knocking about as well. Are they cover? I'm not across the Heart Radio schedule. I only know the Thiexton and Holden because I went on. Let me have a look at the Heart Radio schedule.

Heart Radio schedule. Breakfast, 6.30 till 10am. Oh, that's three and a half hours. Thiexton and Holden. I can't imagine Holden getting up early. It doesn't say in the description, MB. Please note, Amanda Holden doesn I can't imagine Holden getting up early. It doesn't say in the description MB, please note Amanda Holden

doesn't arrive till 7. Mark Wright does 7pm till 10pm or would you prefer you've got to do one Rob. Yeah, alright. 7pm till 10pm

Every day? Or 6am every day or 6am till 10am. I think I'd have to take 7 till 10. Yeah?

I did Radio 2. Do you know there's a bloke actually called Paul Gambaccini? Yeah, I know Paul Gambaccini. Of course. He's a very famous bloke. I didn't know him. I thought he was like,

I thought that Paul Gambaccini was just like a funny name. Like, you know, what's he called? Who's the bloke who's got, Inglebert Umberdink. He's a geezer. Yeah, of course he is, Rob.

I didn't, I just thought it was like a funny name people put together like Joe Bloggs. Oh, I know. But they're real blokes. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, I didn't know. Do send in your people that you didn't know were real until you found out. Monty Don, Paul Gambaccini, Engelberg Humperdinck are mine. Yeah. People that you didn't think were real that actually are real. Send them in. So, yeah, the clocks, yeah. The clocks. The clocks have screwed you, mate. that actually are real. Send them in.

So, yeah, the clocks, yeah. The clocks have screwed you. So you're getting up between 3.45am. It was 4am this morning that he woke up. 4am, okay. That is very early, isn't it? Yeah, we tried to set... No, no, it was 4.30. It was 4.30, sorry.

It was 4.30. Oh, actually, what are you moaning about? Come on, mate. This is supposed to be people feeling sorry for you, right? You're like, you wake up at 4 30 you think it's only two hours to the jamie theakston amanda holden breakfast show ian wright always used to be late when i used to do rock and roll football on absolute radio did he i've told have i told you the embarrassing rock and roll football story right so i was doing

rock and roll football on a sunday right it was just me for four hours on my own and then eventually they paired me up with someone because I was slowly going insane. Now I've realised why you're so angry at the four-hour radio show. You've lived it. I have lived it. I did two years of four hours on a Sunday afternoon.

Anyway, basically, originally I used to do it on my own without guests, just four hours, two till six. Eventually they let me have guests and then Matt Dyson, I did it with Matt Dyson. Yeah, yeah. Does it with 40?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, he does it with 40 now. Then I moved to the Doesn't he afford it? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, he doesn't afford it now. Then I moved to the Saturday, but originally the Saturday was like a bit more like Soccer Saturday. They had like Russ Williams hosting and about four Premier League,

ex-Premier League players, Perry Groves and Ian Wright would come in and almost commentate on the games like they do on Soccer Saturday. But then I think they were trying to save money or whatever.

Then eventually I got, they stopped doing that show. I got moved to the Saturday and then they got another guy in to do the Sunday. So it was a bit awkward because essentially I was replacing a team of like about six on my own with Matt Dyson. And anyway, on the final day of the season, because the final games were on a Sunday, you always do the Saturday if you do the Sunday, if that makes sense.

Is this a logic problem, Rob? No, no, it's not. It's amazing. Was the doctor the mum? Is that what it was? It's worth it when you... Let me explain again. They did every Saturday.

I did every Sunday. End of the season, I was going to replace them on a Saturday. They were moving on, and then there was a new guy coming in on the Sunday, right? That's what's happening. However, in the football season, normally there's games on a Saturday and a Sunday. It ends on a Sunday,

and every game's on a Sunday at three o'clock. So the main Saturday show switches, and then I would cover their Saturday with no football on, right, basically. Anyway, so essentially I got the day off on the Sunday, the final one of the season before. Next season, I'll move to Saturdays. So I've got the day off.

So I'm out for dinner and drinks with my friends in London, right? Anyway, I'm walking through Soho and I go, oh, I need a wee. I go into a bar for a wee. I walk into the goodbye party for the Absolute Radio Soccer Saturday show. Oh, my word.

All the people that are going in and out, I'm doing that Saturday. Oh, my God. I walk in for a piss. Take your dick out. Start pissing everywhere. I've pissed all over. No, no. That's what I think of you guys.

I love it. I walk in. So, you're right, Perry Groves. Who else are we thinking of? Russ Williams was there. A few other, like, ex-footballers. I can't remember who it was, but it was like So Ian Wright, Perry Groves, who else are we thinking? Russ Williams was there. A few other like ex football. I can't remember who it was, but it was like a little, Perry Groves and Russ Williams, Ian Wright and all that.

Anyway, so I walk in and it is so awkward because they all think I've just turned up to the leaving party. Oh God. But the person who's taking over. Oh no. And I was like, oh, hi guys. You're right. Yeah.

You come for a drink. Were they in the main bit of the bar? Yeah. Or had you walked into a function room? It was just like a pub. No, it was a pub in Soho, but quite quiet. And they had about eight of them in a corner. It was fucking quiet.

It was a wake-on, Rob. They were mourning the death of their radio show. Of course it was quiet. So thanks for listening today to the Radio Hell podcast, where we just talk about experiences on the radio. Right, kids. Let's talk about kids, Josh. You're getting up at 4.30am, correct?

So Rose gets up to feed at 4.30, and then we try and push through. The horizontal sleeping at the bottom of the bed's not working anymore, Rob. So where are you? Well, I just kind of hang around until we realise he's definitely not going back to sleep. And then I take him downstairs. So I went down.

It was only quarter to six that I went down this morning, Rob. But you've been hovering since 4.30? I've been, yeah, in and out of sleep since 4.30. It's just, the day is so long. The day is so fucking... And also, I want to talk about how i like to withdraw every complaint i made in the first year of this podcast because anyone with one kid who fucking complains i knew i was waiting i didn't want to get it out of you but i was waiting for this moment for the penny to drop go on it's

a piece of fucking piss. One kid is a piece of piss. Is that what you're saying to our poor listeners that are struggling with their firstborn, Josh? No, what I'm saying is, if you're struggling with your firstborn, don't double down. Don't go all in. I've been thinking a lot about this.

So in one way, obviously, it's much easier to go from one to two. Yes. Which is that you've already lost your life. Your life is already over. Your life is already over. So it's much easier. The ship is sinking.

What is a few more gallons of water on it? Exactly. So on that front, I don't ever think I wish I was in a bar on a Saturday night. I never think that. No, no. It hasn't entered my mind. However, it's

so difficult. Even doing an hour in the morning with a five-month-old and a four-year-old. It's insane, Rob. How are all the knick-knacks going? Because your youngest isn't walking yet. Oh, so this is the thing.

He's going to a phase he doesn't want to be put down. It's unbearable. You can't put him down. Like an old dog that keeps coming back. Taking him to the bed. He doesn't want to be put down. He's turned a corner again. Old Ruggva.

But he constantly wants to be held he so constantly wants to be held constantly wants to be held so it's like a kind of it's like a task in big brother where they can't put the baby down does the bouncer work 10 minutes max he's teething this is a thing he's teething oh no yeah and my daughter teething wasn't a big deal. Can I say something, Josh? Yeah. Your daughter is a very calm, chilled, measured child. She's not. Very, very chilled, right? A bit like my eldest, right?

My youngest is slightly demented. I think this is all the hallmarks of a very busy mad second one and I'm going to predict I don't need this I don't need this chat I'm going to predict I don't need the predictions

I'm going to predict this is a fucking mystic mag about 12 months when he's walking about your knickknacks are fucked they are going

you're going to have to you're going to have to put high shelves up. There's no way the knick-knacks around your coffee table will survive the second one.

That's my prediction. Okay, we'll see. Because I still can't believe they survived your firstborn. They've easily survived our firstborn because she's just not interested in...

But I think boys are different. Boys have this mad-eyed energy that my youngest daughter's got somehow, so it's not all boys. But she punches me, Jack. Jack.

Why do you call me Jack? Why have you called me Jack? She punches me, Jack. You're a confession. Why did I say Jack? She punches me, Jack. You're right, Rob. She does punch me, though.

She keeps headbutting me and, like, punching me. What, your daughter? Yeah, and though she keeps headbutting me and like punching me what your daughter yeah and then goes and puts her head on my head and goes and growls and i go like like a kind of razor roddick one in a kind of melee after someone's fouled him you're like that kind of yeah like the oh like you know the beginning bit of like danny dyer's deadliest men when they're doing a bit to the camera to show how hard they are right so like lenny mclean will lean on my head and growl she growls at me

and I go stop fighting do you know what she said to me she went I'll never stop fighting that's something out of a Martina Cole book that is amazing

so yeah I mean maybe it's a second born or it's just personality but I think what you've got in your hands here is a he was more chilled

than her up until we've had the the basic the absolute shit storm of will not be put down combined with the clocks going back and teething and teething but i think will not being being put down is seemingly related to teething yes i'm telling myself that have you tried have you tried for teething cold things like put stuff in the fridge and give it to them. That's quite good for their teething. Yeah. If you mean cow pole, there, yes.

You mean cow pole every 45 minutes? No, it's every four hours, guys. We've put him on a cow pole drip. Do you think that's a mistake? You could, look, it's every four hours a cow pole. It's every four hours. And read the label. We're not giving anyone advice.

And you can slip in a little Nurofen on the two-hour swap. Nurofen and Calpol are fine on two hours each. Apparently. I wouldn't say that to make your own mind up. I've been told that by a respected Backstreet GP. No, by a respected... That's what they tell you at the chemist.

I've done my own reading, actually. Also, here's a few facts about climate change for you, Rob. I've done my own reading on the here's a few facts about climate change for you rob i've done my own reading on the vaccination guys actually so i've done my own reading on the cow poll i've done my own research on facebook so you know i'm pretty well informed on the old counterpole rose's panic on the cow poll early doors with her first child the feeling that were you to give 2.6 that's it it felt like if you were to give them 2.6 millilitres in Rose's world, dead. Like, she's really on it.

Yeah, I'm a bit more relaxed. It's three hours 50. She'd be like, yeah, we can't do it. And you're like, come on. They're going to give you a fucking buffer zone in case anyone fucks it up. It's not like 2.5 stops your headache 2.6 kills you that's not how it works but do read the cow and follow all the instructions on the cow poll

yeah yeah of course absolutely um oh no because we we needed cow poll when we were abroad um so we went into just like dubai chemist and i was a cow poll and they gave me like arabic cow poll which had a different name but it was cow poll but it was it felt quite exotic really felt like being abroad how was dubai rob okay so dubai i went out for people don't know i went out let's do a gig but um some people take a tour support and tour manager i took my entire family um so you eat to holiday out of it we was there for seven days i'd say josh um it was probably the best holiday we've ever had as a family oh wow however when i tell you what actually happened on it you'll think i'm lying okay you know you don't really relax on a holiday with your kids like you're exhausted however it was the first time we've took them

on holiday and they we could sit on the edge of the pool or on a lounger and just watch them in the kids pool and they were sort of safe and they could like stand up in it all the way around they're both swimming now and obviously we had to watch them the whole time but yeah we're not hovering over them yeah you're not you're not doing the lean over and it was an amazing no lean over burnt back central it was it was such a relief and it was so lovely however there was it's never easy with kids and about a million things went wrong for going backwards on that we had a lovely trip on the way home um the three-year-old was sick in the back of the cab 20 minutes from our house travel sick oh my word absolutely everywhere

it was horrific and like all in her hair all over her face it was just all because traveling's hard isn't it the flight back judge the the ear popping have you ever taken your kids on a plane yet i've taken my daughter on a plane did she have ear popping problems no she was all right actually do you know what she was all right that was the least of our issues they were pretty well behaved the kids but on the ear popping thing on the plane um it was that was quite funny getting on the plane back there was a few broken parents there was a couple in front of us i had like a four-year-old and a four-month-old we got in the lift to go to go down to like the departures and she just went how did you find it it was like oh pardon she went

your holiday went oh yeah it was good she went too young that's all she said too young bless her she looked like she'd been so looking forward to this holiday she just went too young that's all she said but anyway the hours were kicking off on the way back because their ears were popping and because i think they had water in their ears from the pool so we tried all sorts chewing like people parents were so lovely they're going to pass and stuff like chewing gum earplugs lollipops and all that and my kids just kept going i just want to go home now as if like that that had been an option. I was like, oh yeah, we've just done the seven hour flight.

Yeah, let's just teleport now, shall we? Seems silly to do the rest of the flight. But it's weird when their ears pop in. There's nothing you can really do. You want to help them, but it's a bit like, I imagine watching them get their heart broken when they're about 17. It's just part of the course.

Basically, your ears pop, they hurt a bit, then it stops. But there's nothing you can do or say. You can try and be supportive. What I would say is, though, other people's kids kicking off really help my morale. Oh, it's nothing better. I think they should put one on each flight, really, just to cheer up parents.

I was going to say that. They should just do that. They should be employed by the airline. One kid just kicking off, so you feel better. Because when my kids were screaming a little bit about their ears, there was another kid that just screamed in his mum's face

I'm going to kill you over and over again how old was it? two and a half fucking hell I'm going to kill you I'm going to kill you this poor woman

was so embarrassed oh my god that is awful we had stress on the way out, Josh. What time do you like to get to an airport when you're flying solo and when you're flying with kids? Talk me through it.

Well, I've only flown with kids once. Yeah. So solo, well, probably I like to allow time because I don't mind the departure lounge. No, no judgment here. I like to get to an airport two two hours before even on my own but do you know what i wouldn't i certainly wouldn't um be that stressed if it was cutting it a bit finer because i always think it'll always work out i'm not too bad with airport

departure times but okay with kids and two kids yeah that's a different game i want to get there i'd say maybe even two and a half hours. Just drop the bags. What are you planning on doing in your two and a half hours? Drop the bags. Drop the bags. And then we're going to go and maybe have some sit-down food and properly feed them when they get on the plane

because they never really like the plane food. So try and find something they're definitely going to eat and there's more options. Sit down, have that properly. Maybe have a walk around the shops, get the kids a magazine. Let them run around the airport so they're tired before the flight. Maybe if there's a soft play, let them do that.

And if they're just running at the airport, when they get on the plane, they're not, you know, as antsy. You know what I mean? If you sit in a car for an hour and a half, get straight to the airport, sit straight on the plane for seven hours, they've not had a runabout.

Do you know what? Listening to you describe that makes me realise just how shit it is travelling with kids. Because think what you would normally do on the departure lounge how much pleasure it normally is just to go i'm just gonna gonna go and have some food i'm maybe gonna have a beer i'm gonna go and i'm gonna usually buy some toothpaste because i've forgotten it or buy buy it buy a neck pillow obviously i'm you love a neck

pillow i love a neck pillow but do you know what a neck pillow. I love a neck pillow. But do you know what I mean? Normally, and then I'm going to amble to the departure gate 45 minutes before, and fucking hell, you're trying to run these kids tired. We tell you, and then you're in a cab home, and they're physically sick. Oh, mate.

It was worth it, but it is hard work. Anyway, so our flight was at 2.20 p.m., right? Heathrow. It's about an hour and a half to Heathrow. It can sometimes be like an hour and ten minutes with like zero traffic in the middle of the night. Or it can be up to two hours on a busy day. Anyway, right? So our flight was at 2.20.

So it takes an hour and a half. They wanted to pick us up, right? We tried to book a cab, right, through the travel agent. And they said, oh, yeah, they'll come about half 11. I was like, pardon? But that means we get there at, like, if there's no delay, 1 o'clock. An hour and 20 minutes before the flight. Fuck that, Rob.

That's with no delay, right, at all. I was like, that is mental. I went, no, let's book it for 10 a.m. And that way, we get there at half 11, two hours before job done, right? Anyway, we're waiting for the cab. Cab doesn't come. Oh, God. Cab doesn't come. Gets to half 10. half 10 cab doesn't come half an hour late so i'm ringing about apparently the travel agent people are told them but the cab company didn't change the pickup time so now i'm downloading every app to try and get a cab to the airport but we need oh god but

i've got two kids so we need the cab needs to have car seats in and space in the back for the baggage. Do you know what? Don't go. Right, so now 20 to 11. Oh, God. My hand's going. You're capping like that. Eventually, we had to ring Lou's dad, who luckily was in and lived around the corner and came and got us. If we didn't live near our in-laws, we wouldn't have gone.

We would have missed a flight because he never would have made it. And then got in the cab. That is mad. Got in the cab. I'm sorry, the father-in-law's car. Yeah. Two hours it took, right? And he saved our holiday, but it and then got in the cab got in the cab sorry the father-in-law's car yeah two hours it took right and he saved our holiday but it took two hours in the cab there was a car sorry his car loads of traffic because of that but also when there wasn't traffic he loves a 60 mile an hour motorway drive and i don't want anyone to speed but i'm just like we're running late for a flight. Hit the limit, Mick. Hit the limit.

You've got to be hitting the limit. And I love hearing about your tulips that you planted, but don't regrow. You have to dig them up again and replant them in order for them to grow again. But I don't need it an hour and a half away from my flight time. Do you know what I mean, Josh? Fuck, you know.

You front seat. I was front seat. Just kept on Google mapping how long it was. Just kept on Google, just kept on Google mapping how long it was. Oh, when you're Google mapping. Google mapping. It was horrible. It was terrible.

And then we kept on getting stopped in traffic. We made it and it, Lou's dad's an absolute lifesaver and thank you very much. But, and he was driving

at sort of semi-fast but you know when you're looking like, I'm just like, just put your toe down. Please just put your toe down. But he drives quite sensibly which is the right thing to do and we did make the time know when you're looking, like, I'm just like, just put your toe down, please just put your toe down, but he drives quite sensibly, which is the right thing to do,

and we did make the time, but when you're a bit anxious like me, I'd happily just... Oh, I would not have enjoyed that, Rob. I would have just said, unlimited speeding fines and points

that I'll take, just get us there. I'll take the wrap, Mick. I'll take the wrap, Mick, but he literally saved the holiday, but that was,

and that's so stressful, because then we got there there and then we still got there sort of about an hour and 45 minutes before the flight but he's still that it's quite stressful and then they board the plane earlier for a long haul you're also you're thinking if if there's fucking queues all that and we've got to go through like the security and there's queue and last time went to heathrow it was mad busy anyway we made it and it was so but that that was a stressful start to be fair um and then um yes we made it and then well i did the gig that was fun oh you'll love this josh right i did the gig in dubai right guess sometimes you know people message you for tickets or the promoter says so-and-so wants to come to a show try you know well i'll let you try and guess but i don't think

you'll ever guess who I had on my guest list for this gig. It was the most random collection of people of all time. Well, I did Dubai, I supported Jack D in Dubai

years ago. Oh yeah? That's the only time I've gigged in Dubai. Did he have any guests? Yeah, well, yeah.

Sadly, I passed away, but the chef Gary Rhodes. Oh really? Yeah, he used to live out there and had restaurants out there yeah

yeah but that was as you would imagine a random name you didn't expect to see and was it just Rhodes or any people with him or just Rhodes

the reason I remember Rhodes is because he was at the after show drinks yes and I talked to Gary Rhodes about his restaurant at the after show drinks oh

that's exciting isn't it you were really in Dubai. It was exciting. I was like, I was looking out over the Dubai skyline talking to Gary Rhodes and I was thinking, how did this happen? What have I done with my life here? Well, I'll go up through the ranks of who I had. I had four

sort of names. Would you describe them as the kind of people you'd imagine to go to a Rob Beckett show? Yes and no, but certainly not all together. So there was Laura Anderson from Love Island, people you'd imagine to go to a Rob Beckett show? Yes and no, but certainly not altogether. So there was Laura Anderson from Love Island, which feels like quite a Dubai-y kind of... I don't know who that is. That's like Paul Gambaccini to you, Rob. Yeah, she was on Love Island, okay?

Which is sort of, you know, fair enough. Roman Kemp. I know Roman Kemp. I know who he is. Capital DJ. Yeah. What's Schiff's CEO, actually? Do you know what time he starts Rob?

Did he talk to him? Does he do it from Dubai so that he's on the correct time? Oh, he's going to be all over the place. He's a few hours ahead. He must be exhausted. So are all these people on holiday? I don't know what was going on. Right, mate.

You wait till you hear the next two. Anyway, Roman Kemp's there. Laura from Love Island. Laura from Love Island, yeah. Big Sam Allardyce, ex-England football manager. Pint of wine, please. Pipe of wine. The best one, last one, Dane Bowers.

Oh, wow. Do you know what? Genuinely, the last two I'd be so excited to meet. Did they come back afterwards? So, no, well... That last one, Rob, and I'm going to say it, is another level. Well, Big Sam came back, a Roman Kemp, but they were like more of the... Sorry, I didn't to say it is another level. Well, Big Sam came back, and Roman Kemp, but they were like

more of the... Sorry, I didn't laugh at your another level joke. Sorry. Come on, mate. I'm a bad son. I'm going out of my mind. So, Big Sam came back. So, Big Sam and Roman Kemp came back, but I think that was because they saw... Were they together? No, they weren't together.

They were a new gay power couple. Big and roman kemp they would have thought it so which two of those four would were together so it was so dame bowers and laura anderson from love on are a couple oh right anyway so she messaged me on instagram i said i'll get some tickets but i think it got lost in translation because the other two got tickets through the promoter and then the promoter was organizing the after drinks but i i only stayed for one and then left because it was i wanted to get back to doing the kids so it i didn't really know there was a drinks thing but i wish that laura and dane did come back because then i could have had a photo with roman kemp big sam dane bowers and laura from love island

but i've just got one of roman kemp and big sam do you know what's sad what big sam one game as england manager sacked oh god Goes to see Rob Beckett. One drink. See you later, Sam. Absolutely history repeating himself. Can't get past one. Just stood there on his own. Well, Roman Kent was talking to him about XG,

which is Expected Goals, that book. Expected Goals, yeah. I don't think Sam had read the book. I think he thought the book was about expected games. Anyway, I love Big Sam and his wife Lynn. Absolutely lovely couple.

Lynn Allardyce. Big fans of Dubai. Big fans of Dubai. Of course. Of course Big Sam is a big fan of Dubai. And Spain. He's got a place in Spain

and they were getting on like a house on fire but Roman Kemp kept on talking about Big Sam and his wife. No, Roman Kemp and Big Sam. And they were talking,

he kept on talking to them about England at the Euros and I thought it was a, Roman, Kemp and Big Sam. And he kept talking to them about England at the Euros and I thought it was a bit awkward. Oh, God. I was like, don't talk to them about that. Do you know what I mean? It's like going and talking to Laura Anderson about Posh Spice in front of Dane Bowers.

He's got history there. God, poor old Big Sam. Oh, Big Sam. He had a good night. Goes out to Dubai. He had a free ticket and a couple of sahis on me. Don't you worry about that. Of course, he enjoyed himself.

And then he got stuck talking to Roman Kemp about XXG and someone else who's got his job. And then the best bit was Roman Kemp, he's obsessed with football. He's a lovely lad, but he was talking about football. You could tell he was really excited to meet Big Sam, as you would be. But then he went,

Sam, I've always wanted to ask But then he went, why Sam? I've always wanted to ask a football person this. Why do they do out swinging corners? Oh my God. And I was just like, I don't think he wants this,

Roman. And you know when you're stood in the middle of two people and you think, how is my life this? I'm listening to Roman Kemp. He must be exhausted

from his shift, six till 10. To Big Sam, who's now in Dubai. I've just played the opera house. Front row's full of, like, you know, shakes. And then I've got Big Sam talking to him about in-swinging, out-swinging corners. That is...

Oh, it's brilliant. Genuinely. How soon after the words out-swinging corner did you go, anyway, let me stay in for one. Guys, I think I'm going to nip off actually I've got to tell you this kids club thing

before we finish in Dubai the hotel and the kids club right I'm not a massive fan of leaving them in the kids club I just like seeing

them on holiday I just love being with them yeah it sounds like it Rob from what you say I do maybe I should have put them in the kids club I'd being with them. Yeah, it sounds like it, Rob, from what you say. I do. Maybe I should have put them in a kids' club

when I've had more of a chill time. Anyway, because it's like a bit, there's loads of social distancing in Dubai still. They're only allowed to go in an hour per day because there's a limit on kids. Only like 25 kids can go in there. Anyway, so there was a kid. I went in.

There was a big soft play area. My kids wanted to go in. So I went in and read a book, sat there with them while they were in there. Anyway, this guy, though, this dad was going, what do you mean it's only an hour? I want to put them in for four hours. And he stood there with his kid.

And they're going, oh, well, we can't because of social distancing. It's a point of an hour. I want to go for a few drinks. I can't do anything in an hour. I've got to come back. Can't you just get you? And then the kid went, but dad, I can just come with you. Oh, God.

I know. And he was going, no, it's not the point, is it? I'm like, oh, my God, just take your kid to the fucking beach, you animal. Oh, that is awful. I know. It was, oh, it's just that poor kid. Imagine here. Good to see Big Sam again, though, isn't it?

Twice in two days. He was trying to put linen, actually, so he could go for a brunch. He's meeting Roman Kent. He just goes pressing. Look, mate, let's chat. Let's sort out throw-ins, set pieces, and corners. Let's get it nailed down. Early doors. he's meeting Roman Kemp he's just pressing look mate let's chat let's sort out throw-ins

set pieces and corners let's get it nailed down early doors well I'm glad you had fun that is just an amazing line-up of people well I've got so much more to talk about as well

but we're running out of time I don't know when we're going to do it Rob we could do it on Friday I'll do a couple of things one never go to the outdoor theme park

in Dubai I've been it's so hot genuinely do you know what I the outdoor theme park in Dubai. I've been. It's so hot. Genuinely. Do you know what? I've done two gigs in Dubai. I've just realised I did another gig in Dubai. Right?

And I hate theme parks. Yeah. Did you go on the Smurf ride? I don't know. It was so fast. It was awful because normally I don't want to do the rides at theme parks if I do them. But then I get to enjoy the queue to calm down oh god

that was too hot for the queue mate outdoors but there was no one there yeah so we had the run of the theme park so there was no queuing

all day yeah and everyone else went to do the fucking rides so I was just on these fucking rides all day long it was genuinely

awful hated it but that's what happened to us i paid for q jump right q pass thing yeah because i'm one of those twice i didn't need to i've never spent so much money in my life we went on the smurf ride twice my kids are pale you know you can literally the sun is so strong i can literally see their skin burning like but like in a sped up video on their skin like just by watching it because it was so hot and i was like we need to get out of here and then i hired a little buggy thing that you could only have in the park but

then i had another 15 minute walk in 35 degrees back to where the car park was oh my god the kids went mental i had to carry both of them because it was too hot for them to walk and i had sweat dripping off my nose and i had to wear a mask outside still even though there's no one fucking there how was this the best holiday of your life i don't know it shouldn't have been but somehow i'll tell you why it was this is why it was your life? I don't know. It shouldn't have been, but somehow... I'll tell you why it was. This is why it was, OK? And these are all the mistakes I made.

We have to buy. Keep it simple. What you've got to do is just be submerged in water all day in a kid's pool with your kids. And it's very key if your kids make friends. My kids made friends with these two other girls and another boy and a girl. Lovely, lovely, two lovely couples and their kids.

And they literally just played in the pool with them all day and then josh me and lou made holiday friends in dubai i've got was it sam and lynn no it wasn't i've got two guys that are my mates now called mike and andy oh you're gonna go on are you gonna go on like post holiday meetups what i yes i think we are i think that's going to happen oh that is exciting so they're coming to gigs they're going to come to some gigs and i'm going to see them after my gig but what happened not the lineup you're normally used to at your gig no it's got mike andy and then we've got fabio capello and vanilla rice so what we did was we went out for dinner and then about eight o'clock with the kids and that

and then afterwards me and the guys because we wanted to watch the football we watched the caribou cup there's a really like oi oi little bar next door to the hotel and we met at 10 30 in the lobby i didn't know their names or have a phone number they were just the kids around the pool's parents and i said lads do you watch the football later they went yeah i went meet at 10 30 in the lobby i met two men in the lobby of a hotel. I didn't know their names. And then we went and drunk six pints of lager and stayed out till 2am with my new friends.

And it was incredible. Wow, you've got some new friends. I've got some new friends. Holiday department friends. Well done, Rob. Where do they live? I don't need to... But I mean, do they live in an easy place

for you to be friends with them? So the one couple live like Ascot way, sort of an hour away. It's not too far. And then the other ones live in Whitley Bay, much further. But they're going to come to a show up north. That's near Newcastle. And we've got holiday friends now, Josh. We've made friends.

Well done, Rob. But what was more key was the kids got on. Because I'll be honest, I don't really care what the parents are like if my kids are entertained all day. I will suffer a terrible parent if my kids got on. Because I'll be honest, I don't really care what the parents are like if my kids are entertained all day. I mean, I will suffer a terrible parent if my kids are happy. Luckily, these guys were great. We'll be checking back in a year.

I'll put that in my diary to check back in to see how much you've seen your holiday friends in a year's time. Well, no, let me show you this. And this was bleak. You know, I've done a few rough gigs in my time, Josh, as you have. But this bar had the Carabao Cup on on a big screen,

but they also had a live band. Fuck that. So the live band were having to play while just loads of, like, drunk English people tried to watch Leeds Arsenal. Oh, my God. Let me send it to you. It's great.

These poor bastards. Look at them. Oh, my God. It's great. These poor bastards. Look at them. Oh my god. That is brutal. I mean, that is unbelievable. You know when James Acaster was in a band, they did a before he was a comedian, they did a gig and they

just had a big screen up like that in the pub with the news channel on. And he did a gig on the day of 9-11. And he was playing in front of the day of 9-11 and he was playing in front of the footage of 9-11 rob oh jesus i mean not as bad as that but similar experience i once got booked for a corporate in the executive boxes of a cricket ground and it was the day andy murray was in the final for um yeah that isn't as bad as 9-11, you're right. Well, no, they won, didn't they? Good news. But still distracting for a sports crowd.

Still distracting. I did that one at Edgbaston. Yeah. And I was the surprise host. And they announced me and they were like, you may recognise him from Dara O'Briain's Mock the Week and Dara O'Briain's School of Hard Sums and QI featuring Dara O'Briain. No way!

They must have mentioned him three or four times in my intro. The disappointment. Right, we've gone over again already. Shall I do some more Dubai on Friday? Well, I've got some stuff as well on Friday, Rob. We should be honest with people, we've had a little break of recordings. The last one

was recorded early, so we've come back and we've got extra stuff. So we'll probably do correspondence next week. Yes, yeah, we'll do correspondence. We'll get the stuff out. We'll do catch up and get a bit more on Friday. Because otherwise, we're going to be talking about Dubai into the middle of December. We need to get this all out of you, Rob.

Yeah, exactly. I've got a few more bits I've done Friday, then we'll get your Friday, and then we'll be back to correspondence the week later. All right, small business, and then we'll wrap up shall we yes um i've got a small business shout out here this was actually some people that come and saw the show in dubai and they handed me this so i said i'll do it for them um this is dan and natalie um basically they in lockdown um set up a new company because i wasn't working as much and it's a clothing well more swimming shorts at the moment

and it's called Doobs Apparel and that's on Instagram at D O O B S Apparel and they do swim shorts as in doobs as in joints as in bifters no not doobs I don't know people call Dubai doobs so I think as in doobs Dubai

so it's D O O B S Apparel as in smoking doobs it's not like D-O-O-B-S Apparel. As in smoking a doob. It's not like the sort of cartoons of people smoking massive spliffs that are like, you know, it's just swimming trunks. But yeah, so Dan and Natalie, and they gave me loads of good advice for kids in Dubai. So thank you very much, Dan and Natalie. And they went through the nightmare known as two under two.

Been there, Dan and Natalie. Yeah, so Doobs, you can email them at info at doobsapparel.com or dm them at doobsapparel on instagram so yeah good luck with that new venture okay rob please can you give my little business a shout out i started it in lockdown making bracelets and knitting chunky snoods oh yeah are you excited yet rob because? Because, strap in. Oh no, what's it for? Greyhounds and whippets. Why does a dog need a bracelet? Why does he need a bracelet? Oh mate, I just, the problem is Christmas can't come soon enough for me.

Because I am sending you a bracelet for your new dog. Why does a dog need a bracelet? You'll see. Just heard the last, you'll find out on Christmas Day, Rob. Just heard the last podcast. Your daughters will love the dog bracelet. I'm not giving my dog a bracelet. Call on something and trap it.

I just heard the last podcast and was so happy to hear Rob's getting a whippet. Oh, fuck off, you whippet lot. I'm sick of it. They're lovely, but stop talking to me about whippets. I'm more than a whippet. I shall be sending Freddie a snood. They're lovely, but stop talking to me about whippets. I'm more than a whippet. I shall be sending

Freddie a snood. They are the best family dog. I don't have a website, but I sell on Depop at K-O-O-K-Y-L-U or DM me on Instagram. Kooky Lou, just for you. Right, Kooky Lou, from me to you, good luck with the business, but I'm not putting a snood

on my fucking dog. Send him a snood, Kooky Lou. Everyone, go out, if you've got a whippet not putting a snood on my fucking dog send him a snood Kooky Lou everyone go out if you've got a whippet buy a snood look at the demographics how many people have got a whippet listening to this

I was talking to Michael he said our whippet listeners have gone up 15% in the last two weeks they're really quick to download always download in the first 15 minutes

and then you lose them for the rest of the day oh god we're getting it soon really soon we'll talk about that another time right let's oh god i'm panicking about the dog now right see you on friday see you on friday see you on friday shit everywhere in it bye