Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP34: Harry Hill

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

S03 EP34: Harry HillJoining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian and presenter - Harry HillHarry's book 'FIGHT!' is published on the 11th November with a national tour to coincide. Please rate and review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Lily, can you say Robert Beckett? Robert Beckett. Robert Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Well done.

Well done. Very strong. Rob Beckett. I love it. It's so Scottish to go, it's Robert, it's Very strong. Robb Baker. I love it. It's so Scottish to go, it's Robert. It's not Robb. It's Robert Baker. Even a four-year-old.

Robbie Baker. Robbie Baker. Lily Kelly, age four. Lily Kelly, four. They've got such scary voices, even at four. They have. The Glaswegians are so intimidating. That child would terrify me

if she said, give me your money. Here we are, baby. Give me your fucking money. Really enjoy the podcast. Also, fair enjoy. Really enjoy the podcast.

Oh, this is Scottish again. I didn't know what this meant. Really enjoy the podcast. Also, fair enjoyed your books. Fair enjoyed? Is that a Scottish thing? I think it must be.

I hope it isn't Scottish for didn't. You bastard! Fair enjoyed. Because we got told off for Harris, not his name, not short for Harrison. Sorry, I just never met a Harris before. Harris was arse where I grew up. I fair enjoyed that.

It is a Scottish thing. It is a Scottish thing. It is a Scottish thing. That's good. That's good. Yeah. Good. Congratulations, Rob. You are a Sunday Times bestseller as well.

Oh, stop it. Both of us. Thank you very much. You know what? This is... It's a learned podcast. A couple of stiff-necked authors. Hi, you're listening to a podcast hosted by authors.

I listen to a podcast just to authors shooting the breeze about kids and shit. They're quite funny for authors. They do stuff like they go, Oh, what's that Scottish word? I'll Google it. I'm a motherf***ing bestseller, bitch. Stuff like that. Yeah, exactly.

But Josh, it's Princess Peach, not Princess Toadstool. I don't, I princess peach not princess toadstool i don't i must have referenced princess toadstool i do apologize i spent my childhood saving her from bowser and now my kids have a switch i'm saving her again although it makes me look like a pro when she's playing mario 3d all starts get stuck on a level i can help because i've already played the games and remember what the switch is The Switch is so good for kids. The games on it are brilliant. I really heartily recommend that. I love playing the Switch.

I play it all the time. But yeah, it is Princess Peach, not Princess Toadstool. Just in case you were worried this email isn't Scottish enough, she ends by saying... Oh, no, Princess Peach Toadstool. That is correct. First name Peach, second name Toadstool. But she had a tough upbringing.

I don't know where you know her. I think it's tough schooling that wasn't eaten. Wherever she was, I don't know where the girl one is. What's the girl one have eaten? I don't know. Who cares? Just so you know, to end the podcast, to end the most scottish email we've ever received,

just so you know, Billy Connolly has a book out and has kids, so can you get him on the podcast? All right, fair enough. Fair enough. Yep, Billy connolly and kevin bridges are on together next week with susan calman so that'll be a good episode but yeah i'd love to get billy connolly on what a legend to get billy connolly on also if you are a top performer

who wants to promote their book just get up the duff yeah performer sexually and comedically if you can perform sexually to the point of climax and conception, get on the show. Yeah. Is that a good call-out? Yeah, that is a good call-out. And I look forward to seeing... I don't think you have to perform well sexually.

It just needs... The mechanics need to work. Exactly. You could ejaculate immediately and still father a child. No child is the result of the best sex people have ever had, are they? No.

Imagine if it was. The pressure would be so intense. Oh, my God, yeah. Basically, the weaker the orgasm, the less functional the child. Was that good enough? people have ever had are they no imagine if it was the pressure would be so intense oh my god yeah basically the weaker the orgasm the less functional the child was that good enough we'll find out in two to three weeks yeah exactly just like if you absolutely just like proper kama sutra in it for an hour and a half they come out and just smash their 11 plus at seven just a super brain kid from massive long fucks rob anyway more dubai stuff rob um oh a couple of more bits i mentioned i'm told you have friends today rob's been to dubai on holiday with his children yes um oh we went for dinner for a tapas place took 90 minutes for the food the starter to arrive

okay the kids best holiday ever he said everything so far has been a tale of woe i know i know we were just so desperate to get away um anyway it was um 90 minutes so in the end we went look we and we were quite full by that but you know sometimes you go for dinner and once you have the start the rally is you don't really need three courses you're just gluttony isn't it as well isn't it yeah it took so long but they weren't really tapas just more spanish in bits and balls that's what i thought but it weren't coming anyway so the kids add their food plain pasta near enough all week yeah 15 quid ago fucking plain pasta anyway so playing the other ones just discovered salt on chips so now she's she's going to cardiac arrest next week the amount

of salt she's chugging down you can see her her... My daughter's diet is basically, is it beige? Then I'll eat it. Yeah, exactly. So they had their plate of plain pasta. And then, anyway, the food didn't come. And I said to the person, look, don't worry about the mains. It's been an hour and a half. The kids are tired. We're meeting people.

I had a 10.30 lobby meet. We're going to go. And she went, oh, we're really sorry. She went, look, just don't pay. It's been a nightmare. So there was nice about it. I'm not paying. Of course I'm not.

You haven't given me my fucking food. Exactly. Cheers for the favour. I'm a bit too tumbleweedy, I think. I was like, oh, God, that's nice of them. I've never even eaten it. I've really gone off complaining. I should complain more.

Anyway, but then as we went, we went to leave. And I went, OK, let's get up, everyone. And then the three-year-old, that it didn't eat anything all fucking week, went, I'm still eating my pasta. I'll tell you what. And then they come and put down a massive bowl of paella and then we'd already said we didn't want it and i was like i'll have it if you want you still don't have to pay and i was like oh no i don't want it start eating it and then they chucked me a massive bill for dinner so no gosh and then i went shall i still eat my pasta so i went this is what i went i went do you want secret daddy pasta right Right, which sounds so bad. That's one of the creepiest things that's ever happened.

Yeah, so what I did was, I just grabbed two handfuls of the plain pasta and held in my hand, and then we all left. And then as we walked back to the hotel, I just gave her a little bit of pasta like a dog treat. She loved it and ate so much pasta. She ate more out of my hand in the street than she had at every dinner table.

I just wish you'd met someone like a fan who wanted their photo with you. And there's a photo somewhere of you with your arm around someone with your hand full of pasta. Secret Danny Pasta. That's the media. So I wouldn't shake your hand. Why won't you?

COVID? No, because my hands are full of Secret Danny Pasta. Look at my kid's crying because she's hungry. Give me a break. Someone did want a photo, though, on the beach, right? And the absolute lunatic took it. It tries to do full length. I was in my trunks.

I was like, fucking hell, leave it out, will you? Get closer. Shoulders up. Come on, who wants full length photo on the beach? Jesus Christ. But yeah, so that was a secret daddy pasta was a bit intense. But it just took so long. They don't eat anything on holiday.

Once again, Rob, best holiday ever. Best holiday ever. Best holiday ever. I was feeding my child pasta from my hands walking along the street. I put a factor 50 on my face every day, still bright red. That's good to know if you ever go to Dubai. But that's because any English person in Dubai is bright red. That's just the way it works.

Exactly. Oh, we had another meltdown on the way back. All my fault on the flight back. They were exhausted. We had to get up really early. Our flight was at nine o'clock, so we woke up at five, which was actually 3 a.m. English time. My Roman camp's getting up.

Yeah, exactly. We passed a few. Emma Bunton was still asleep, but a few thieksdoms out on the road. If you haven't listened to Tuesday's episode, if you've just come for Harry Hill, I'd say about 80% of the stuff we've discussed

so far you've needed to listen to tuesday's episode i do apologize secret daddy pastors knew yeah secret daddy pastors knew

but anyone who's gone i'll start i've heard this is good i'll start with harry hill episode i like him well this was weird bit for 15 minutes

before where they were talking complete bullshit so they were talking complete bullshit. So they were talking about Emma Bunton getting up early. She doesn't. Love Emma Bunton. No one have a bad word said against her. No, she's great.

Mum Pauline's a big fan. Sent her a book, I did. Anyway, let's not get bogged down by that. Other things on the plane. On the way back, I said, for some reason, because I was like, they've been so good. And normally you take them and get a little toy or stuff on holiday, like a little present from the toy shop.

We never really left the hotel pool. So I went, I'll get you a little toy from like Duty Free. Eventually, I was in there and the five-year-old picked something and then the three-year-old just had a meltdown. Basically, she was overwhelmed by choice and she was so tired and she wanted these teddies and all that. And she just lost her mind. And I had to carry her kicking and screaming through the terminal because she wanted two teddies but i could only give her one because

she wanted the chocolates on one of them and that teddy wasn't soft enough and then in the end you know what she's teddy she's got she's got a camel with the irish bar written on it which is a famous place in dubai where all english people go and get pissed she's got like a stag do teddy bear but everyone was looking at me and she absolutely lost her mind and was crying for gold. Oh, God, Rob. It was horrible.

Actually, I think this was terrible this holiday. Yeah, it does sound like the worst holiday in history. Oh, I forgot to turn... I turned the air con off in the middle of the night. At night in Dubai, it gets to 30 degrees all night. I woke up in the middle of the night. My children had kicked the covers off and stripped naked because they were so hot because I had no windows open. of the night. My children had kicked the covers off and stripped naked

because they were so hot because I had no windows open. Just the air con had gone off and it had gone to like 26 degrees in the room. So they'd stripped naked to cool down. I woke up, you know, like in a film when someone gets shipwrecked and they land on the beach and they go, trying to get some air after nearly drowning. I woke up like that and then turned the air con off. But I basically cooked my entire family

for the first six hours of the holiday. But it was the best holiday I've ever had. That's the best thing. If you are listening to this as just a Harry Hill debutante, if you want 30 minutes more of hell in Dubai under the best holidays ever had, do go back and enjoy the Tuesday episode.

What I would say about Dubai is you are one decision away from the best holiday of your life you are one decision away from the best holiday of your life and then one decision away from the worst holiday of your life and there's not much in between those two things happening but you know make your own mind up that's what i felt like if you want to hear what roman kemp said to have sam allardyce as we say tuesday's show now do you know what rob i've got some things to say but i think i'll save them for tuesday's show because i'm so excited about harry hill he is yes my favorite comic he's show because I'm so excited about Harry Hill. He is my favourite comic. He's a brilliant man.

I'm excited to have him on, particularly because he doesn't really do many podcasts. No, I'm excited. Here's Harry Hill. Hello, Harry Hill. How are you? I'm very well, yes. Nice to talk to you, fellas.

We're very excited, Harry. I'm very excited, but I think Josh is a level above me. He sort of has not stopped talking about this booking for weeks. This is a great booking. This is the kind of booking we're looking for. Well, who else have you had on it? I'll fess up now, fellas. I haven't actually listened to your podcast.

Michelle Obama, Elton John, and now you. Michelle Obama's very good, isn't she? Yeah, she's great. She's very good. She's really insightful about stuff. Yeah. All the stuff she knows. Really funny stories.

One cannot use because of the sensitive nature of the material. She wasn't even on promo. She did it because she loved the podcast. I was really impressed. What is your setup at home? What is your, how many kids have you got? I've got three kids. Yeah, three girls.

Yeah, I was denied a son. And heir, unfortunately. And heir. But so one is 23, one is 24. So we had those very close together. Yep. And I said, no more children that's it okay i remember um dominic collins used to have this you know dom you should get him spider-man's

dad spider-man's dad spider-man senior spider spider granddad yeah spider granddad. I'm just repeating what you're saying. Oh, so I said no more children because we had two so close together and it was that double pram thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. You know, the double pram is just too wide to go through. Yeah. And the thing actually that really got to me was was actually pushing this double pram with these two babies in and we had two dogs as well and i would i would push this

walking the dogs and pushing this pram around the park and the thing that got to me most was old lady saying you look like you've got your hands full oh thanks a Oh, you spotted that, didn't you? There you go. Come on, guys. What dogs did you have? Because that does make a difference, doesn't it? The size of the dog. Well, fox terriers. Fox terriers.

Small but willful. Small but willful. Like me and Josh. That was going to be the original name of this podcast. I'm going to Google a fox terrier so I can get my head around it. It's the tin tin. It's the tin tin dog. You didn't want any,

you didn't want any more. I said, that's it. And we were quite rigid about that. Oh, they look like a sort of Jack Russell with a big jumper on. Yeah, and a moustache. Yeah. A Jack Russell in witness on. Yeah. And a moustache. Yeah. A Jack Russell in witness protection. Yeah.

Those dogs have seen some things. And we were quite rigid. My wife was quite rigid about it. It's your turn, it's my turn. You know, it was like that alternate thing at night. Your turn to get up, my turn to get up. Yeah. And I was like, around that time, this is is what 97 we had the first one this 98 was

the second one that was when i was making that channel 4 show so it was a lot of i had to do turn over a lot of stand up so i would have to do it. Back on tour. So it would be tour, and then it would be record, write and record the show. And I wrote it on my own. So I was really under the caution. So I would get back from tour, you know, two in the morning, and you know the thing, you know, creep into bed,

and the baby wakes up. Your turn. Your turn. So I was just completely knackered. And so I said no, but I could tell that my wife was going to hold it against me for the rest of my life. So seven years later.

Seven? Yeah, seven years later. Seven, yeah. In a moment of weakness. We've conceived a third child, another girl, and it was the best thing we ever did. Oh. Because, you know what it's like, you have the first one,

you don't know what the hell you're doing. Yeah. You don't realise that everything is a phase. Yeah. You know, and you get the baby back from the hospital and you have that sort of, I don't know, it's about a week or something where it just sleeps and doesn't do anything.

You're thinking, what's all the fuss about? Why is everyone saying it's going to ruin your life? And then they wake up and they start screaming and you think that's going to go on forever. And then that goes and then, you know, something else happens. You know, they start teething or they start falling over. Well, because you say it's the best thing you ever did gavin the third but then how long until you thought that because obviously at the beginning it was a lot easier because the kids were so much older as well

they're like grown-ups at seven and eight aren't they really yeah yeah well yeah it was fine because you know we knew what we were doing with the baby. And we were able to enjoy it. And maybe I wasn't so busy. I don't know. But it was a really good time. And actually, you know, I think she said the best. Talking of parenting, she said the best out of us. I think the first two got a bit of a rough deal.

Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. I'm lucky that things happen. So does your third Unlucky, but things happen. So does your third daughter still live with you? Yeah. She's at school now. How old is she? 17.

So what's it like having teenage daughters and young women as daughters? Is it scary? You lose the control a bit, don't you? So they're out and about doing whatever. I think the thing with girls is that they're easier when they're little and then when they become teenagers, you know, then it starts to get difficult. And, you know, I used to do this, I had this weird thing where I would scream at them or they would come down

and they would be in like, they used to roll up the top of their school skirt. So in this sort of jailbait kind of look with thick makeup on. All right. And I, and I would just, you know, turn into my dad. I'd say,

you're not going out like that. Come here. You know, silly, you know, really silly. So I bought this book. I sent off for this book called something like

Talking to Your Teens So Your Teens Can Talk to You, which is a book about, you know, obviously understanding. Anyway, I get this book through and I get it. And I'm sitting on the stairs reading this book and daughter number two comes home from school. She goes, what's that book, Dad? I said, it's called Talking to your teens so teens can talk to you i said it's just you know so we can um hopefully not have so many arguments she goes loser

so i never bothered reading it my own theory about parenting is it doesn't matter what you do, they are basically who they are pretty much from the start, unless you sort of do something terrible. Are you? I can't. I mean, no disrespect. I can't see you as a figure of authority.

Oh, yeah. No, I am. Yeah. Are you? Sorry. Stop that now. Get you out there. Get into your room.

Yeah. Are you the good cop or the bad cop? Well, I think we're both bad cops, to be honest. We're both quite strict. You know, we are quite strict, I think, yeah. I mean, you know, with the third, we've been a lot more... You know, it's a cliche, isn't it? But we've been a lot more relaxed with her because, you know,

I think the first one gets the roughest deal and they were so close together. They both did about kind of boundaries and rules and all that. Yeah. I mean, I keep saying to her, I keep saying to her, it's a bit mean, I keep saying to her, she keeps saying like, what are we doing today, dad? She's 17, you know, the weekends. What are we going to do today? Can we go to see an art gallery or something?

And I'm saying, look, I'm not your friend. I'm your dad. I'm not your friend. You need to get some friends to do this stuff with. Because like when I was a kid growing up in the 70s we you know you didn't you kind of parented yourself you just wanted to get out and the idea of hanging around with you you know i think this is the great difference uh between these uh generations is that you know your parents weren't your friends you you kind of loved them but they were those kind of annoying people or

you know it's a very different you couldn't my kids say to me now when i talk to my mum that why are you like that when you talk to your mum because i'm sort of like i'm like a but like a little boy or you know i talked to her and i can't talk to her in a straightforward way like they talk to me do you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah you're still that you're still that teenage guy well you you revert you revert to some sort of i Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're still that teenage guy. Well, you revert to some sort of, I don't know what it is. It's not quite that, is it? But it's a... But some parents would be desperate for their teenagers

to want to do stuff with them on a weekend. Yeah, yeah, and I do half the time. Yeah. It's not all the time. I do do a lot with her, you know. I'm on the pedalo with her on the serpentine. 57 years old. She's a great kid, actually.

She's a good girl. Did you, what did they make of your career? Because you're such a kind of different person. You have people like, I don't know who we've interviewed, who say Jack D, and you're like, Jack D at home isn't dissimilar to Jack D at work, I imagine. Yeah.

But were they a fan of the Harry, were they a fan of TV Burp or You've Been Framed or the Harry Hill Show or stuff like that? Well, they, when I gave up TV Burp, I said to them, I'm giving up that show. And they said, yay! Right? And I said, I thought you liked it. Because, you know, we'd all watch it together.

And they said, no, we liked the show, Dad, but you're always so grumpy when you're making it. And that was the thing. Yeah, that was the thing. Because that's what they see the other side of it. Yeah, of course. Which is sort of, you know, grinding the worry and the work of it. Yeah.

You know, and also they don't like being, they never liked me being recognized. Really? Didn't they? Yeah. And in fact, only recently they were sort of talking about that to me, saying, oh, you know, they're very wary about people. I mean, Jesus, I'm not Paul McCartney.

But they're saying, oh, people, you know, treat us differently or they want to get, you know, they want to know about you and all this. Yeah. And I would never, they would prefer if I didn't go sometimes to the school to pick them up or all that stuff because it was a kind of, you know, you just want to fit in, don't you, when you're a kid.

Yeah, yeah, of course. So, you know, you just want to fit in, don't you, when you're a kid? Yeah, yeah, of course. So, you know, they like, I think they like the shows. I mean, my Winnie is kind of the second daughter. She says she prefers the live stuff. She says that's, she thinks I'm funniest when I'm doing that, but I don't know. But none of them are doing it. None of them are interested in doing it.

I never kind of, they never came to any recordings, always kept them away from it because I always thought that with showbiz, you've got to really want to succeed in it. You've got to really, really want to love it and want it to work, haven't you? If you've just got a little bit of talent and you're the daughter of X, Y, X, Y, or Z, you can probably get a little bit down the line. But inevitably, you're going to be disappointed. And it's a really mean business. You know, it can be a really mean business.

And you've got to be so motivated that you just let that wash over you. So I thought I'm not going to show them the glamorous side, you know, turning up and the people, you know, giving. They used to give me a chocolate eclair about half past four wow oh it is great it's so good different in the 90s though we don't get that these days you don't get that on channel four do you josh yeah if you want to you have to go and eat it in like leeds or somewhere like that you can't have it in lond But what you didn't realise, Harry, is you were billed for those chocolate eclairs throughout the 90s and 2000s. Yeah, yeah, my eclair bill. But actually the third one, Freddie, you know, the 17-year-old,

she is much more interested in it. Is she? Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. She's sort of, she's desperate. I mean, I don't really get invited any of that stuff anymore you know but she she's desperate for me to get invited to this that or the other you know some sort of do you think you're more relaxed about it now so you'll guard

down a bit more to like let her talk about it or be interested in it where before you was very much like no no no we don't do that we just i'll go i'll come home and work yeah yeah maybe yeah you think you're right a bit bit over the top, perhaps. Because actually, I think it was a shame they didn't come to some of those recordings because they were, you know, it might have been quite good fun for them. I don't know.

Yeah, but you only think you're doing the best at the time, aren't you? Yeah, that's it. If you went back of experience and nostalgia, it's always a slightly different decision, isn't it? Absolutely. But with the being recognised at the school gates and things, have you ever been tempted to sort of, because you've got such a striking look of the big collars and the suit and the glasses and stuff it would i imagine be fairly easy for you to if you didn't have your

glasses on and not a different outfit can you go a bit incognito yeah yeah i mean yeah absolutely i mean some people wear it really well don't they like david walliams we went to we went to a restaurant and david walliams is in the restaurant, right? And he comes over, you know, he's such a tall bloke anyway. And he just looks exactly like, I don't know if he was wearing makeup, but he looked like David Walliams, you know, on TV. Just exactly the same. And he's tall and he's walking through the restaurant.

Everyone's looking at him and he's just sort of taking it like, almost like he owns the restaurant, you know, walking through and he comes over to us. Oh, you know, would you come and say hello to my son and all this stuff again? And I'm walking with him and everyone's staring at me because I'm with David Walliams. But, I mean, let's face it, I'm talking about the time

when I was doing TV, but when it was like a, you know, I was... Biggest show on telly, basically, really when it was like a, you know, I was biggest show on telly basically really on a Saturday night. One of you're very kind. I'd say so. I'd say it's a cultural big show, you know, obviously you had the X factors and stuff, but every family would sit down and watch that on that, on that evening. Yeah.

And I remember this in the, you know, in this book I've got out is that I talk about me getting a bit paranoid about it, right? Because there were some photographs in one of the, you know, Hello or something of me walking the dogs, the same fox terriers in the park. Anyway, I was in the park and I saw a photographer, right? And as I saw him, he appeared to me to duck behind a tree, right? I thought, oh, right.

So I walk over to him. I think it's a paparazzi. And he walks off and I follow him like I'm really right. So was you annoyed that he was taking photos? Yeah, yeah, I was annoyed. And he starts to walk a bit faster. I walk a bit faster. And then I come around a corner and he's crouched taking

photographs of um like crocuses or you know in the in the park and i say to him in a very testy way i say um you get any nice photos today then he goes he goes oh yeah yeah um i said yeah you know okay well you know what have you taken photographs of then? And he gets his cameras, one of those digital cameras, and he's showing me the back of it, and it's a photograph of a swan and a crocus in the lake, right? No photographs of me at all, because he wasn't a paparazzi. I said, you've got a real talent for that, haven't you? He said, oh, thanks very much.

And that was it. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. That's so awkward. I was the creep. I was the creep. He's got another story. Never guess.

Harry will come up to me aggressively with these two little weird Jack Russells. I had to show him a photo of a swan and then he left. Yeah, I felt like a real idiot. But worse than that. W worse than that, right? I come home. I come home one day and my car, I used to have an old 1954 A30. It doesn't mean anything to you. And it appeared to be the windscreen was shattered

and there appeared to be a bullet hole in in the driver's side right right over where my head would have been so i run into the house and i said darling you know someone's tried to assassinate me i didn't really think that i did but i'll tell you why it was only a couple of weeks after jill dan you know jill dandle murdered i know it's, you know, ridiculous. Like there was a, like someone had a list. So she goes, oh, she said, well, if you really think that, you ought to phone the police. Right. So I phoned the police.

I mean, I'm really embarrassed. I phoned up the police. I said, hello. I said, someone's tried to, there's a bullet hole in my car. I said, someone's tried to shoot. I think someone's tried to, there's a bullet hole in my car, someone's tried to shoot, I think someone's tried to shoot me. Not that I was in the car. And he goes, okay, sir, did you hear a gunshot? And I thought, I didn't actually.

I thought probably, you know, but you would have, someone would have heard a gunshot. I said, no. I said, then I, and he wasn't really interested. And I said, and this is really poor of me because it's not really my, you know, my name isn't Harry Hill. I said, oh, it's Harry Hill, I said.

And he pauses for a moment. He goes, soon as I can get you, it'll be about midnight, right? Yeah. So he's thinking he could make, this could be a nice career move for him if he solves that, right? the triangle, the mysterious assassination triangle. Anyway, sure enough, doorbell rings about midnight.

I'm staying up. The great big copper in the doorway. He goes, is that your, I take it that's your car out there, you know, 1954, whatever it is. I said, yes. He said, well, first things first, that is not a bullet hole. That has been caused by someone kicking a stone or something,

kids kicking stones in the street. Right. Okay. He said, and notice that you haven't got a current tax disc. He said, so you need to do that or get a car off the road. And that was it. Like a real telling off. In your book, it's like a proper sort of honest autobiography of you, not sort of a fictional Harry Hill autobiography. Yeah, no, it's a real thing.

It's really me, Matthew Hall, Matthew Keith Hall. Has it been nice going back over your career? Not really, no. So it's not been cathartic, just brought up stuff that embarrassed you and made you feel bad. Enjoyed, you know, the bits I enjoyed, and I don't know if you're the same. I love the way you look through it and it's not your book. It's just the monk one.

Just sitting looking through a couple of chapters. Harry, look, there's a character called Harry. Harry sneered at him. I don't believe that you don't know what happened to Swifty. You know you're just not telling me, Harry. Whatever happened to Swifty isn't the issue, said Bacon. So basically, Harry hasn't got, for the listeners, Harry hasn't got a copy of his book yet. He's just got the sleeve that he's put round another book for promo.

It's supposed to be out next week. He better write it. Last thing they said, they said, oh, there's problems with distribution due to Brexit. 10,000 copies of your book in France at the port. You'd be able to do an arena in Calais by the end of next year. Oh, my God! What I enjoyed was, and I don't know if you're the same, is the early days of the stand-up. Oh, yeah.

I enjoyed revisiting because that's the most exciting bit for me. Yeah, I bet. Yeah, because, you know, I gave up medicine, so it was all this yeah because you know i gave up you know i gave up medicine so it was all this whole you know dilemma and uh and obviously you know when how old was you when you gave up the medicine and i think i was 20 1990s i was 26 26 yeah and what was and so would that have been late 80s when you were first on the stand-up circuit 1990 1990 i i basically got the i don't know how you how did you get gigs i i would get time out and phone up the numbers in the back of time out is that what you yeah a lot of emails to the kind

of like people people just pass emails around that's's what I found. Yeah, or Facebook and a combination of phone numbers. The first open spot I did, I was doing a locum as a doctor down in Southampton Hospital. Yeah. And I left, I drove up the M3 to get to the comedy store. It was me and there were two other open spots. And Mickey Hutton, you know Mickey Hutton? Oh, yeah.

Mickey Hutton, yeah. Yeah, he comes in and he looks at us. me and there were two other open spots and Mickey Hutton, you know, Mickey Hutton. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He, um, he comes in and he looks at us. Such a geezer name, isn't it? Mickey Hutton.

He looks at us, he points at us and he goes, um, you'll be shit. You'll die. And you'll, you'll be crap. Or,

you know, he just going off to the other comics. Joe, I don't think he's had greater predictions, though, to be honest. I don't want to take him to Grand National. One of the most successful comedians of his generation. You'll be shit. I don't think he will, actually, Mickey.

I think he will. He did say, I mean, I didn't get booked because Kim Kinney wasn't there to see it. So it was sort of a waste of time. But he did say to me afterwards, he said, oh, you know, no, it's all right. You know, you've got some good jokes. You'll be fine sort of thing.

Which, you know, you really grasp onto those little bits, don't you? When you started out as a stand-up and you were Harry Hill, which is, it's an alternative kind of thing. Well, I was a deadpan. But when I started, because my heroes were deadpan comics. So, you know, Jack D, Stuart Lee. I mean, I remember sitting in the Chuckle Club.

It was a pub in Carnaby Street, Shakespeare's Head. It was upstairs there, a tiny function room. And I was on, uh, I was in the front row watching, right. I bought a ticket with my mate and Jack D was on and, uh,

Lee Evans, right. Fantastic bill. And I remember when Jack was on look, everyone was just like laughing and laughing, you know, just like really kind of throwing the heads back. I remember looking around at everyone and thinking,

because, you know, at that time I thought I would like to do it. I remember looking at people laughing and I thought, no matter how funny I am, I will never, ever be as funny as this. Do you know what I mean? I will never get this reaction. And you were good at predictions, you know, so some people can do predictions. I wanted to be... I'm joking.

I wanted to be a deadpan, so I would come on. And my opening line used to be, because I was Harry Hall when I first started, I would say, my name's Harry Hall, and here are the jokes. Like that. That's OK. It's a great opener. And actually, Stuart said to me,

oh, you know, you should try doing your act sitting down. You know, you should do it at a table or something and be like a newsreader, right? Because I was such a fan of his. So I did it one night at the Banana Club. Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Hall, right? And I walk on, I'm carrying a table and a chair. It took me like three minutes to set up. Hello, I'm Harry Hall and here are the jokes.

Don't ever do that again. Thanks for that tip. It worked on TV, though, didn't it, behind a desk? Yeah. When did you change to Hill? Well, then, in those days, this whole thing was about equity. You had to get an equity and get your equity card. Okay.

Right. I mean, so you had to have a name that wasn't already in equity and there was a woman called harry hall harriet hall h-a-r-i harry hall and um so i said uh i had to write to her and ask her permission to use the name she said no so then i was in a quandary so i was going to be harry horn i was going to be harry carnegie at one time hello it's harry carnegie um i just settled on hill yeah i mean not what i wanted daniel all right first time i ever saw you on tv um i don't know if i've talked to you about this before you were hosting top of the pops oh yeah you did yeah when did you always talk about

so there was this period in the 90s where it was all like loads of comedians were hosting Top of the Pops. And every time they came back to you, you had more cotton wool in your ears. That's great. You had so much cotton wool. Yeah, it was like a running gag.

Well, there was a guy that took, the bloke that took over as executive producer of Top of the Pops, Rick Blacksill. He was a big fan of comedy. And so he just, he booked a load of comics to, to host it, to try and, I don't know. Yeah. Cause I say, cause the opening thing is I go, welcome to Top of the Pops. And it was really weird doing it because I was screaming over the top of

these kids. Just, they were all just making so much noise. I couldn't hear myself think. And I was going, welcome to Top of the Pops. Always engaging skunk and Nancy. It was that, you know, because in timeout, they would call you, you'd have a little word to describe your act when you were unknown.

And one of the ones that I i got uh saddled with was always engaging like that's gonna sell tickets yeah i'm a cheeky cheeky chappy likable smiley that was mine sort of thing experienced was the worst one experience experienced comic iver dembina that was the one that he used to do i play i'm playing football with him later, Ivor Dembina. Oh, I'll give him my best. He gave me the best advice, actually, I ever got. He said, if you're going badly, get off.

And if it's going well, get off. That is great advice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you write about your wife and kids in the book or is it more just a career stuff and and and the shows well i tried to initially i tried to write an autobiography that was in no way personal i can actually some people have achieved that i can send it over to so i tried to make it about my about just like the funny things that have happened to me you know and a lot of it is about things that went wrong

you know like for instance there's a whole uh really funny chapter i think it's funny anyway about um you know the i can't sing music or the x- Factor musical. Oh, yeah. You know, working with Simon Cowell and all that. And, yeah, I don't know. How was that? I went to that and it was great. Yeah, it was a good show and it was absolutely the best fun. It was really great fun. And actually we got on fine, me and Simon.

Do you still stay in touch? I wasn't allowed to have his email address. Oh. No, I would get an to have his email address. Oh. No, I would get an email via his, because two weeks before it opened, you saw it, Josh. So it was quite, it was, you know, it was a big, basically a big piss take of the X Factor. Yeah, yeah. You know, and my favourite bit in the middle of it was where they go,

they decide that they're going to write the song. It's Louis and Cheryl and Simon. They decide they're going to write the single for the winner. And they go, but we're the judges of the X Factor. We don't know anything about music. Anyway, I get this email from him via his representative saying, there was lots of good stuff about the show and about the lighting and all this, because he's actually a very good producer, Simon.

He said, I'm a little bit worried that my character is made to look ridiculous. And the idea that I am the father of the hunchback. It's too far-fetched. In answer to your question, your first question, they made me insert a chapter about my wife. Mate, who consists of that? The publishers, because I had her chipping in along the way, sort of in a kind of scathing way, which she is very good at.

For instance, when I left for the, when we were nominated for, Bert was nominated for a BAFTA. As I'm leaving for the BAFTAs, very excited, you know, in my dinner suit. She says, awards are for people with big egos and low self-esteem. She's not wrong. She's absolutely wrong.'s absolutely on the nail right timing

oh wow yeah so she's very good at keeping my feet on the ground so to speak do you talk about your children in the book

I talk about having the kids and I talk about you know that early kind of parenting stuff am I right in saying I might be wrong on this but my wife just said that one of your daughters is an artist so she

has followed two of them on day two of them are so they have followed what your wife does yeah yeah they are and the other ones are not uh scholarship so they are very arty i mean part of it i think is they're not very academic and so that was you know they have dyslexia the two older ones have dyslexia and you know quite badly and uh they're arty one is a ceramicist and the other one's a fine artist yeah and which i've always really encouraged because i kind of felt like that was something i might have liked to have done yeah yeah um you know in another life and you know my this friend I formed a double act with, he was at art school and obviously my wife was at, that's how I met my wife, through that connection.

And art school just seemed to be a lot more fun than medical school, frankly. Well, yeah, I imagine. You once told me a story about you trying to get your daughter to identify Switzerland on a map. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So we made a lot of mistakes with the first two kids

about schooling you know put my hands up to that we we were skittish and we didn't know what we were doing and you know i was state school educated so i went i lived in kent and i went in the 70s i went to a you know a comprehensive and then you got sort of creamed off to be on the um to go to the grammar school right yeah if you were and um and that was all free and obviously it was a completely different time but um so i was quite keen for them to go to state school but my wife instead of kids oh they'll be recognized as your kids and it'll be you know they'll be bullied and all this so we went through various things one of which was going to this isn't the same story but we'll come back to that yeah um was going to church we thought we'll get in with the

we're getting with the religious yeah you know the church of england thing say what you want about religious people they're good at maths so i go we're so we start going, you know, a bit. And the vicar, and I think I should make a donation. This is the way to secure a place is to make a donation. So I say to the vicar, because we had our kids christened there, I said, so I'd like to make a donation. Is there anything that the church needs? He said, well, he said, we do need a, a cooker for the, for the parish rooms. He says, we do need it.

I said, great. Yeah. It was, you know, 300, was that 300, 400 quid or something? I thought, yeah. All right. I said, yeah, great. And anyway, he gets to buy this, he sends his bill for this cooker. It's a range cooker, 3000 pounds. Anyway, he gets to buy this. He sends his bill for this cooker. It's a range cooker, 3,000 pounds. I'm thinking, what are you cooking in this parish room?

You know, I was thinking like a few sausage rolls. Yeah. A few sausage rolls. Yeah, it's only one fish, one loaf, isn't it? Yeah. So then we went to this, they went to this sort of ultra posh kind of private school with this sort of bizarre uniform. And we're going to start fancy dress.

And then one day she, the second oldest said. Coming from Ariel. She was about. Bit mad, wasn't it, that outfit? Yeah, collars a bit small on it. Tiny collar on that outfit, stupid, stupid uniform. She said her homework was to identify the countries of Europe. Yeah.

So I'll test you. I said, what's that? France. What's that one? Germany. Point to Switzerland. I said, what's that one? She said, oh, I don't know.

I said, I'll give you a clue. It's famous for its cuckoo clocks and chocolate. And she said, Harrods? At which point I realised that we were perhaps spoiling her. Harrods. My father-in-law said to me, the best way to choose a school is to go to the Harrods uniform department and choose the nicest uniform find out what

that school is so yeah we made a lot of we tried all different kind of schools we'd like ultra liberal ones so they went to lots of different schools in those first two, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a mistake, big mistake. Rather than just picking on one and making a decision, do you think? Yeah, we should have stuck with it. We should have stuck with one.

Because you weren't moving around then. You was in the same place. No, we weren't moving around. You weren't in the army. How many schools did they go to? Five or six. There was one really liberal one they go to? Five or six. There was... Sorry, I shouldn't have meant that. There was one really liberal one they went to.

And the only reason they got into that one was because two children had been expelled for having sex in the long jump pit. Oh, that's a messy place. Oh, my God. Yeah, that was a big mistake. Anyway, I've got to write this third one. We didn't want to bring up your mistakes.

We're really excited about reading the book, and I'm sure there's really happy stories in the book. That's not in the book. That's not in the book. I see an exclusive. Stop looking at it. It's not your book. Sorry, it's not my book.

It's not my book. The book is out November the 11th. Next. Yes, Armistice Day. Buy it with your poppy. Don't forget to buy a copy of autobiography silence to read it if you want if you're gonna remember something on that day i'm doing a little tour oh yeah yeah it's funny little places so where are you touring is this a

book tour or a stand-up show it's book it's's a book tour. So what happens in your book tours? Cause I did one in Bromley and no one knew what was going on. Well, I know it's a difficult thing cause they come with expectations. I mean, I'll do, obviously I'll try and be funny for a bit and then I'll get into the book. I've got,

well, what I've done is I've gone through some of my old videos, uh, home videos. And I'm so. It's a good way to sell a book, isn't it? Shams' videos. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

So, like, because in the 90s, I used to carry a camcorder around with me a lot. Gigs and stuff. 250 quid's a lot of money if someone falls over, isn't it? And so I've got lots of videos of, you know the old days basically that'd be a great documentary uh yeah i mean i don't know if it would or not but i think it's i mean i don't know if it's of interest to people but um there's a really great bit uh i think anyway backstage it was like a benefit of the Comedy Store and just the whole of the 90s scene is there.

Oh, wow. I'm definitely interested in this. So, you know, Mark Thomas and Joe Brand, Lee Hurst, Alan Davis, Eddie Izzard, they're all just crammed into that little room. Yeah, so lots of stuff like that. You talk about the video. I've just remembered, I was like, why do I know about it?

It's because when you wrote that, you wrote a really lovely article about Sean Locke when he passed away. Yeah. I've got some nice bits of Sean. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what? I'm going to,

I'm going to try and come to that because that sounds amazing. Where can we watch this show? Do you know what? I'm going to read out the dates. Like I'm Steve Wright on radio too. All right, go on. You know, like when you go on Steve Wright and I read that every place.

You need to look hotter. It's the hottest interview I've ever had. The guy looks so hot every time he talks. But you know what? Give him his due. I've never said anything he hasn't laughed at. Absolutely. He's a great audience.

What a guy. He's brilliant. He's the only one that's basically survived, isn't he? Yeah. Still in that job. And this is the reason, because your Fight Book Tour is calling at London, Brighton, Tring, Cambridge, Nottingham, Maidenhead, Bristol, Birmingham, Milton Keynes, Cardiff, Glasgow,

back to London for the British Library, and ending in Manchester on the 29th of November. There's a good video I've got of when I did the pub band gigs with Al Murray. You know, me and Al used to do a show together. Yeah, yeah. And we did the Hazlet in Maidstone, and Vic Reeves came along, and he was hanging out at Backstation.

He got really drunk. He drank our rider, basically. And he got a hold of my video camera and filmed himself and then invited us back to his place because he lived in Kent. And then he sets up his guitar, electric guitar. And my mate sets up his keyboard. And it's like this sort of terrible jam session, drunken jam session in his house.

So, yeah, stuff like that. Me playing snooker with Joe Brand in Amsterdam. I don't know if it's really of any interest. There's some really sweet bits of Bill and Sean in Glastonbury. Oh, lovely.

Oh, that'll be great. So all those things together, I've definitely seen that make a great show. Once you've done the book tour, we should edit that together. Harry, it's been an absolute pleasure. No, it'll be great. So all those things put together, I've definitely seen that make a great show. Once you've done the book tour, we should edit that together. Harry, it's been an absolute pleasure. No, it's been great talking to you. It's been one of my favourites. I'm throwing it out there, Josh.

Josh likes to throw that out willy-nilly, but I need to save it for some of the best ones. But it's been absolutely amazing, Harry. It's been great. You don't want to hear it from me because basically that's like getting a laugh off Steve Wright. You know, it's worth nothing to hear it from me. You're dealing with Ken Bruce here, and I mean it.

Right. Oh, there's one question we always ask, Harry. One question before you go. We've loved this. Is there one thing parenting-wise that your wife's done with the kids or still does or used to really annoy you or winds you up, but you don't really bring it up because it causes an argument? Just the way that she, you know, it's something that she...

She'd take their side sometimes. Okay. Which is the worst. I mean, and I would do it with them against her, which is the worst sort of parenting, is to take the side. What she'd say is, they'd say, you're a bit grumpy today, Dad. And I'd say, no, no, no.

Yeah, Mum says you are. She's noticed it. I am yet to work out how you react to that. Because it just makes you more grumpy, even if you weren't grumpy. Harry, that's amazing. Thank you. See you later, mate. Brilliant. Thanks so much, man. Nice to see you, fellas.

Good luck. Harry Hill, what a legend. I'm so excited. That was good. I was worried he was just going to do the full Harry Hill act, but he's got a good middle ground, doesn't he? He's such a nice bloke. And I also found it really interesting to,

you'd never hear him talk about his family. As he said, he was forced to put it into his book. And it is really, what I love about this show, doing it, is you get to talk to people about things that we never talk to normally. Well, yeah, exactly. And I think we did go a bit comedy, comedy there,

but I can't help it. I'm so obsessed with comedy that sometimes you've just got to go, I've got an hour with Harry earlier. And I'll be honest, I don't give a fuck when his daughter learned to swim. I want to find out about, you know,

Joe Brown in Amsterdam. I know I'm a good parent, but I'm, I'm a, I'm a comedian before a parent when it comes to information. That was amazing. He's so funny. And it's,

I hope it comes across as well in the podcast, but his face is so, he's so, when he's saying all these things, it's like a second laugh just by looking at his face. Maybe we'll ask him and see if he minds putting a little clip of it online or something from the Zoom. He's so funny. He's got a gleeful little chipmunky face when he's laughing. Yeah, he's so happy.

He's just so physical. But he is quite deadpan, but moves around a lot. And, yeah, it's interesting what he's so happy he's just so physical but he is quite deadpan but moves around a lot and uh yeah it's interesting what he's saying about the kids as well what was it who cares it's harry hill talking about comedy right fight is published fight being his book is published on november the 11th and there is a national tour to coincide going from everywhere from london to tring to manchester um that was harry hill absolute legend i hope you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed recording it and we'll be back on tuesday see you then bye