Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP35: You can't put a nappy on a dog...

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

S03 EP35: You can't put a nappy on a dog...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say... Rob Beckett. Josh Whittakin. Josh Whittakin.

Very well done. There we go. I recognise those voices. Do you? They sound like our friends from our holiday that live in Whitley Bay. Oh, do they? Elisa, Michael and their kids. Well, that's not them, Rob.

Oh, isn't it? Shut up about your bloody holiday friends, mate. Oh, they sound like my bloody holiday mates. I made some mates on holiday. Well done. The guys that live down south came to my High Wycombe gig. Oh, did they? Why don't

you bloody marry them rob if you love them so much yeah we're just going to move to salt lake city and have one long holiday where we'll shag each other's wives and husbands and have loads of kids and go to the podcast good for the podcast yes we need to get a salt Laker on here. Hi, this is Harry, who just turned three. Three months ago, he received a little sister, Anna. He has still not quite come to terms with having a sister yet and much preferred being an only child. OK. We were asked...

Sounds difficult. Yeah, that sounds like an understatement. We were asked a good few times, when is Anna going back to her home during the first two months? Thank you for the podcast it really does brighten up the day I'm not alone in having no clue what I'm doing and winging it

thanks again Heather PS I've never met Rob Beckett on holiday so please don't make assumptions about that well yeah well it's you know what it's good it's good to have people listening that are raising serial killers because it must be difficult I think all kids struggle with a new kid it's good to have people listening that are raising serial killers because it must be difficult. I think all kids struggle with a new kid coming along.

Totally, totally. I'd say my daughter, she was very difficult in the two months prior to the arrival of the child. So at that point, I thought this is going to be an absolute disaster because I'd say that is by distance. She was like a different child for those two months to the other four years of her life. But when he was born, she was good with him. She's good with him.

But occasionally, she still doesn't like him feeding. She still feels jealous and wants a cuddle. Is it on the boob as well? Yeah, wants a cuddle when he's feeding on the boob. So with Rose, not you? Yeah, couldn't give a fuck about me, mate. No, that does happen, doesn't it? Yeah.

When do they care about your dads again? Oh, probably when she's about 18. Wants a couple of quid for reading. We'll be two washed up old comics, but we still know people that can get you a free weekend ticket. Then she comes crawling back. Oh, yeah. Okay, you want a favour of the big dog now, do you?

Boring old annoying comedy dad. Yeah, don't you worry. I'll put a call in. Oh, yeah. Okay, you want a favour of the big dog now, do you? Boring, old, annoying comedy dad. Yeah, don't you worry. I'll put a call in. Ring them up. They forgot my name. Can't get a ticket. Humiliating. I'll go, come on, come on.

Do an Instagram post with my bucket hat on. Please let me come. Oh, God. Jesus. Oh, my God. Talking about us being old. Yeah. Shall we talk about what Michael made? Oh, yes. Which I haven't got God. Talking about us being old. Yeah. Shall we talk about what Michael made?

Oh, yes. Which I haven't got to listen to yet because I've been parenting. Well, yeah. So people have been accidentally listening to us on half speed on podcasting. Yeah. And they said it sounds like we're two old granddads. And I'd add drunk granddads to that. And Michael slowed it down and put it out and also done some sort of face app filter

where we look older. And do you know what? I'm pretty pleased with the results. You look great. to that and Michael slowed it down and put it out and also done some sort of face app filter where we look older yeah and um do you know what I'm pretty pleased with the results you look great you look like the colonel it's fucking great oh I look like a cross between Kenny Rogers Father Christmas and Colonel Sanders you do you look a bit like Philip Schofield do you know what it's not a million miles off and there's work there's worse people to look like than Philip Schofield yeah I think Schofield looks all right you've kept your people to look like than philip scofield yeah i think scoff scoff looks all right you've kept your hair i look like it's receding a bit left hand corner yeah they've made a big call on that with you haven't they made a big call on that

i've never been that worried about my hair but now after seeing this a little snap from the future beard looks great though the beard looks phenomenal it does doesn't it so it's on our Instagrams if you want to have a full listen. Shall we play it out now? Yeah, give it a little burst. So, yeah, the clocks, yeah. The clocks have screwed you, Pacey. You're getting up between 3.45am. It's 4am this morning.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I don't have a piss. I needed a piss. Go on to our Instagram because that is phenomenal. Yeah, it's good stuff. Josh, how's your week been? Yeah.

It's happened. I've gotten through it. It can't be worse than mine. Why don't you start, Rob? Do you want to start? Do you know what I didn't tell you about last week? What's that? I haven't done an update on my

child's four year old party. Well yeah, tell us about your child's four year old party and I'll tell you about how horrific my life is. Because that's a positive. Let's start with a positive. Let's start with a positive. Get that out of the way. Start on a positive, end on a negative. Let's build to it. Start on a positive for three minutes and then 45 minutes of negative.

How's that sound to you? Pretty good. Sounds a bit like Manchester United's united some tactics so what we did do you know victoria park um yes i do yeah so there's a play park and then there's like a building attached to the play park i'll be honest with you i don't i don't know i said that that's i thought it was an odd thing for you to know about i just assumed a bit of grass and then a park in the corner. Yeah, them little helium things for laughing gas scattered about. Well, you say that, Rob. We went out for a

wholesome walk with my daughter and her three friends yesterday. Pied Piper. Not with the parents as well, obviously. Oh, okay, that's a lot to take on. Yeah, I was going to say. Lovely walk around the old waterworks in the marshes in Hackney, which is like a nice kind of...

Is that nice? Better than it sounds. You lost me at Walt Works. It's now a nature reserve, right? You lost me at Walt Works and you buried me at Hackney. Waltworks, Hackney, Walt... You need to get out of the city, mate. That's no good, is it? I tell you what, Rob. If you think that, I haven't even got to to get out of the city mate that's not good i tell you what

rob if you think that i haven't even got to the crux of the story so it's like someone you bury a body well you say this rob yeah oh no you didn't find one did you no no it works that's good oh what you killed someone well we went so there was a big a lovely kind of uh load of trees for people to climb in yeah mate i've, I've just Googled it. It looks horrific. It's very nice, Rob. But I'm going to say this now and it's going to back up your story. Right, go on.

So we go into the trees and within the trees... The trees. There's a blanket, yeah? An inhaler, a packet of Parma Violets and a used condom wrapper. Was there anyone there? No. Parma Violets. Pack of Parma Violets, 18.

If I'm a crime scene detective, you're thinking old person. Yeah, exactly. No one's shagging having Parma Violets at 18. If I'm a crime scene detective, you're thinking old person. Yeah, exactly. No one's shagging having Parma Violets at 18, are they? That's an old person. Yeah, it's an old person's sweet. Yeah. Yeah.

So, what did you do with it? What did I do with it? Well, I took the inhaler, because I needed it, obviously. I was panicking. Had a quick puff. Well, you just left it as is. What are you meant to do with it? Would you have tidied up after them?

I think I would have rung the... Do you know what? I just think I would have gone home and sold my house and moved somewhere where kids can enjoy themselves. I've come round to Hackney Big Star recently, Rob. I think I'm staying for good. I'm loving it.

Really? Because you were toying with Zone 5, weren't you? But you're loving Hackney now. I'm loving Hackney now, apart from the Palmer Violet shagger. Yeah. Who's on the loose. In the trees.

Yeah, apart from the... Some would call it the woods. Some would call it the woods. Well, it's not big enough for the woods. No, it's just a few trees and a little sex canapé. With a kind of clearing for shagging. Would you have a Palmer Violet before sex,

during or after as a sort of celebration? I'd pass it between mouths, I think. That's how it would work. Oh, you dirty boy. That's why you're still in East London. Bit of filth to you. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? You're fucking dobbing the palma violets in each other's mouths.

They are shit sweet, let's be honest. I've never had one. Oh, they're so bland, Rob. They're so bland. Well, you can have a bland sweet if you've got a bit of a sexy sex life. Yeah, exactly. You'll be a sexism pedestrian, but your confectionery is.

Parmviolet flavour, I don't know. Do you know, someone, I talk about vaping in my tour shows, someone has a flavour called Energy Ice. Oh, wow. Do you know what that is? That's Red Bull flavour vape. Oh, fuck off.

What a life some people have, eh? Oh, my God. And does it give them caffeine? Or is it just the flavour? I just think it gives them some sort of hope in what is, I imagine, an awful life. Imagine waking up in the morning and you've charged your vape

and then you're puffing on a Red Bull flavoured vape. There's no way to live, Josh. It's weird the things you find out from audiences on tour shows because I've got a bit about driving tests. So I asked people how they failed their driving test. One person hit a lollipop, man. What? What way to fail your driving test?

Fuck. Imagine that. That'd make a big noise. A big fucking stick slapping on the roof. A stick slapping on the window. the big fucking stick slapping on the roof the stick slapping on the window

do you know what annoyed me the most in lockdown we used to do a lot of those zoom gigs zoom comedy gigs and sometimes I'd do them for companies

and they'd have a few comedians on and normally we'd go I'll get a sort of front row of people that we can interact with and the rest can sort of

laugh along so we can hear the reaction and I always used to say have you got any information about the people in the front row let us know like julia counts um once met frankie detore at a birthday party you know that kind of stuff right anyway so they normally send it over and they have this long list but then i was doing it once and i

was watching like these other comedians and there was one person said she met frankie detore at a birthday party and he rode her like a horse around the dance floor. And then the other one was, this bloke eats a lemon, can eat a lemon in three seconds, right? And I was like, oh, this is great stuff. That, for me, I could do 20 minutes. Frankie DeTore and then eating a lemon. That's me set, right?

And then I was watching this other comedian, a woman named Nameless, and they were just like, oh, yeah, so I hear you once met Frankie DeTore. And she went, oh, yeah, I did. She went, oh, cool. And you've had a lemon before and I was like you animal

what are you doing you're burning up the gold here save some for me fuck me you can't move on after Dottori you've not even mentioned the writing

go deeper I don't know whether it was the same comedian but I did one where I literally was sat with my research pack in front of me

and I was basically watching a comedian tick them all off before I came on like I was like come on leave tick them all off before I came on. Like, I was like, come on! Leave something for me! Leave me to shitting himself on his first day of work story.

Do you know what I used to do on those gigs? I'm sure I've said this before, but I'd go on beforehand and then I'd mute myself and put the picture down, because it was Zoom, change my name so they didn't know it was me. And then I'd just listen to them,

what they were chatting about, and write it all down. That's great. And then you just grass them up when you come on. You're like, I heard you all. Anyway, if you want to go back in time, there's a tip for doing a Zoom gig in a pandemic. Yeah, next pandemic comes up, just, you know, invade people's privacy and then repeat it back to them

in a workplace for humiliation and laughs. So is that allowed to sneakily listen? I suppose you're invited. It's an open forum. No, I was invited. I've been let in. You've been let to sneakily listen? I suppose you're invited. It's an open forum. No, I was invited. I've been let in. You've been let in. So anyway, I'm loving Hackney.

You're loving Hackney now. I love the network of like-minded parents. We went for a roast yesterday, Rob. Oh, okay. With four kids. Four kids, four sets of parents, after condom gate. We had a lovely roast.

Yeah. It was great. Oh, that's nice. It sounds like it's all coming together for you. It's genuinely, I love it. And we had the fourth birthday party. Yeah. So you're going to laugh at this.

But as I say, Hackney has a very nice area. But we rented the building that attaches to the play park in Victoria Park. Yeah. Unfortunately, Rob, we couldn't use the play park because it was being closed because it was being fumigated for rats. But don't hold that against Hackney. Right. That happens everywhere.

Okay. Really? So they were on the swings and stuff and there's a big queue. Stuff like that. Can't get down the slide. 15 rats just bombing it down. They were having the time of their life. Little did they know.

Fumigate for rats in the play park. Yeah, we didn't tell the kids. No, don't bring it up. But do you know what? In a way, it was good because it kept them all in the main party area rather than all dispersing. Yeah, it's better, actually,

if the only way the kids can play is closed because of rats being fumigated. Yeah, it's lovely. It's a really nice way to live. And after that, go and watch what is sort of evidence in a murder trial in the waterworks in Hackney. And that, for me, is parenting. They've got to know what life's really like, Rob.

Yeah, you can't sugarcoat it anymore. There's rats and there's people fucking with condoms on eating Parma Violets. Now get in there and enjoy your fucking birthday. You fucking rats. Stay out here any longer, you'll get fumigated. So we had a lovely, lovely birthday. Okay, sorry.

Yeah, it was great. It was brilliant. Entertainer, absolutely smashed it. Third time I've seen him, loved him. He's still as good as the first time.

You love this guy. He's just, he's got the X factor, Rob. Whatever it is. Give him a small business shout out at the end. I will. I'll give him a small business shout out at the end because. I will. I'll give him a small business shout-out at the end,

because he is very good. OK. So we had him, and then turfed out of five, and we still wanted to, you know, the kids to all hang out and play. You had an afters? We had an afters at our house. How many people came? Fourteen kids.

Fuck. It was bedlam, Rob. Oh, two words, knick-knacks. Well, do you know what? The knick-knacks were fine. Why is this? What spell? What sort of spell have been placed? Because children in Hackney are fully aware

that after the condom and the rat skate, you do not touch anything. You don't know what corpse has touched that little cup. But it was bedlam. There was kids in every fucking room. Was it quite liberating, though, that it was just like, fuck it? Yeah, do you know what? There's kids everywhere.

It was like, you just had to go. There was no point in trying to stop what was happening. You just had to go. Surrender to it. Yeah, exactly. It's like when you fall in choppy water, surrender to the current. Exactly, surrender to the current. So, like, Rose's's mum who was staying in

the spare room, the next day she was like wearing my shoes and they were two floors down. And my daughter was like, oh yeah, my friend was wearing them. He wore them downstairs. It was just like, oh absolute bedlam. Absolute madness. Absolute madness.

One couple left with their child. 20 minutes later we looked down. Their dog was still in our house. They left their dog? They left with their child. Yeah. 20 minutes later, we looked down, their dog was still in our house. They left their dog? They left their dog in our house. So you had a dog? They had to come back and get the dog. Who? Were they drunk? No, I don't know. I don't know. I wouldn't like to make that suggestion. I think it's just, they had two, I think when you've got two kids, you know, you never know what you're leaving, do you? What are you trying to say? If you've got two kids, you don two kids you don't need a dog what i'm saying what are you trying to tell me now what i'm saying are you trying to tell me no i'm not saying that because you'd be because you know

what you'd be right we're on our fucking knees over here are you take me through it let's talk about because i've been i've been like lou's instagram doesn't paint quite that picture it seems quite idyllic, judging by her Instagram. Oh, yeah. I mean, if you had the reality of that. Do you want to talk about your... Is there any more stories in the party before I bring this to a fucking crushing halt? I think the dog really feels like the segue we're looking for, doesn't it?

We're fucked. Completely fucked. Rob, is it too late to bring back the hamster? To quote BBC when they were recasting Top Gear. So, like, basically, even if you're really good at the toilet training and the dog's learning and going with it, your house will still be covered in piss and shit.

Yeah. Right? The cat started shitting and pissing as well. Does a dog not come toilet trained? No. Oh, right. Well, that's the problem with dogs. You know, like, the problem is you can't put a nappy on it.

So it's like having a baby. Because it's honestly, it's so much like having a baby. But I genuinely, and I've done both now, think it's worse. Do you? Because I've got a friend and she does listen to this podcast. Yeah. And I'll be honest with you she did call me out

because she was one of the people where I sent champagne rather than going to her event I didn't think she was listening to the podcast so you did the little oh sorry I can't be there sending a bottle of champagne and you saved money

and I don't have to go out and I was like why is she texting me at 8.30 in the morning oh right I see because she's listening to the podcast so what did she say about dogs she's got a because she's listening to the podcast what did you say what did you do so what'd you say about dog she got a dog she's got a dog and she was when she got the dog yeah it was waking her up every two hours at night and she was having to take it outside yes yes and i

couldn't help but go mate come on now it's a dog it's a dog but now are you telling me rob worse than a baby worse than a baby but that I... Worse than a baby. Worse than a baby. But I think it's worse than a baby for a small period, then it's fine. Yeah? Honestly, if you've got a dog... Yeah, sure, Rob. If you've got a dog before a kid...

You're basing that on nothing. Yeah. Yeah, I am, actually. You're basing that purely. That's how I've lived my entire fucking life, Josh. Base it on nothing, yeah? Do you know what you're basing it on? And it's fair enough. You're basing it on and it's fair enough

you're basing it on the desperate need for hope the desperate need that's my whole career is based on nothing i shouldn't be here i shouldn't be doing this i shouldn't be a comedian i had no reason at all to suggest that i should do this as a job i'm basing it all on hope the dog right basically it shits and pisses every hour and that goes through the night no right i've been working i've done five gigs in seven days in the evening right i was in wolverhampton last night lou is on the fucking brink yeah she's taking it full pelt i've got to take over from tonight because she's been doing the mornings and the nights she's up every two hours and we've got two kids to get off to school fuck me rob so like but So, like, with a baby, at least you can put a nappy on it.

Can I just thank you for getting this dog? It's really good for this podcast. Right, so, this is what happens. The dog is fun. We love the dog. Yeah, it sounds like it. I'll be honest with you, though. You know when people go, oh, my God, it's just like a media,

I just love this dog, man's best friend. At the moment, it's still very much beast and human for me. I'm not at that stage but i had to drive to and from wolverhampton last night okay so me and me and canines aren't getting on the kids like the dog kids love the dog that honestly and seeing them play with it is amazing the issue is right i don't it's peeing and pooing outside most of the time occasionally it gets caught short if we're not paying attention because it's going to the back door now a little bit we've only had it three days, right?

But what you've got to do is take it outside for a piss and a shit, yeah? But we couldn't for three nights because of fucking fireworks. Oh, mate. The upshot of this, the upshot of it is

I found out what Diwali is and when it is. Because that was Friday and they love a firework as well to the Diwali festival Festival of Light and Noise. So the captain's trying to take it out for a piss in the shit. But every time it goes out, he thinks it's landed in the Blitz. As far as that dog's concerned, he's Nicholas Lindhurst.

And this is goodnight, sweetheart. Every time he goes in that garden, it's 1940s London. Yeah, that was just around the corner from me. That was filmed, Rob. Yes, well, exactly. Palmer Violets is the given one. Maybe Nicholas Lindus left it there when he was shagging. Lindus is there having an affair back in time,

dirty, lanky bastard. Anyway. So you can't take the dog out because he's scared of the fireworks. How do you train a dog to shit in... What do you do? What you do is, every time it wakes up from a nap,

you take it straight outside and you ignore it. And it went to the garden. And it doesn't wee or poo. You give it a treat and you go really high-pitched. Good boy, good boy. And then you say one word, toilet. So that toilet, they know that toilet means doing a wee or poo. So you always use the same word, right?

Yeah. So I had to get up at 5am the other day and I've been ill all week with this sore throat thing. I woke up and I was so confused. I went out there, I had a go up at 5am the other day and I've been ill all week with this sore throat thing. I woke up and I was so confused. I went out there, I had a pair of pants on, loose coat, slippers, a full erection and the dog. Oh my God. Full morning glory, stood outside.

There's an image. Now the dog's pissing. Do send in your artist's impression of that one, guys. The dog's pissing, so now I've got the treat out. I'm trying to say good boy. When you say you've got the treat out, that's not a reference. But I can't praise him with a high voice because my voice i'm like you know because when you're ill and you breathe through your mouth and i'm going goodbye and he's looking at me like what the fuck is this but anyway we put him in his crate the first two nights we got cocky put

him in his crate he whined a bit and he got a cock. We put him in his crate. He whined a bit, and he slept all the way through, and then was like, this is great. We just take him out at half five in the morning when he wakes up, which is bad, but not that bad because the kids wake up at six, so it's not the end of the world. If you get a dog before you've had a kid, you're fucking mental. You are fucking nuts.

Just, like, honestly, it's not, just bang out a couple of kids and you're in the groove, all right, because it's like having a child. Anyway, so, but the last couple of nights, he's been crying going into the crate, and it's a bit upsetting. Oh, no, oh, no. But you just have to, I think you just have to ignore it.

He's going to be on the end of your bed by the end of the month, mate. No, fuck off, no. He's eyed up. Fuck off, leave it at, no. I've checked out Lou's Instagram. The feeling she has towards that dog, he is on your bed by the end of the month, mate. She fucking loves that dog.

She loves that dog so much, mate. She loves it so much. You're going to be in the crate, Rob. You're going to be in the fucking crate. I'd fucking, I'd go in the crate. I'd curl up in there after a game of Wolverhampton as long as I don't have to get involved in all the... So basically, what annoying thing is,

it cries a bit and then you ignore it and it goes to sleep. After about 10, 15 minutes, it whinges for a bit then goes to sleep like a baby, yeah? But because it is a baby, it cries again in the middle of the night and you have to go down and take it out for a piss. Lou has been doing all of it, basically, because I've been working loads. She's done it for the last four nights.

She woke up this morning, Josh, she looked like she was dead. She looked like she was dead she looked like she was dead like a zombie she'd gone her head had gone she was just like all over the place

and I was just like no babe you've got to get some sleep and she was like I know but it keeps needing pisses and it was we had the same look

in our eyes as when we had our first newborn at three months old oh mate but to be fair we've had the kids we've had firework night he's getting better we put him in the crate when we went to the school

run this morning so it's just it'll get better yeah i've got nothing to base this on can you take him out for walks and stuff yet is that allowed not not yet but he can run around the garden which ties him out but we can't take him for walks because he needs his next lot of jabs and he can't meet an unvaccinated jab i mean i didn't know there was a big anti-vaxxer movement in the dog world as well i didn't realize dogs were doing their own research got a dog yeah it's based on some word in lee erst and his dogs and a few other people online um but anyway it is it is absolute carnage and with but i'm taking the reins, quite literally, from tonight. So I'm going to do the night shift tonight.

But it is like a baby every two hours. Do you know, because with a baby, certainly the second time around, you know kind of what the time frame you're looking at is in terms of what the milestones are. What are we, how much content are we looking at here, Rob? How many weeks? How many weeks do I not have to have any anecdotes? don't know i mean i don't know i think i think really at the moment we're gonna this is peak no sleep because even if you get the dog to sleep in the crate which is good and

they're happy they do just need a piss every couple of hours and i think as they grow older and their bladders get bigger they learn to hold it and i think as well baby because the baby's in your room right there's no leaving the room. It's just change it on a mat or feed it, but it's all in this same dark room. And I've got to go outside. And when I wake up, I've got to try and get clothes. It's so cold. In winter.

In winter, it's so cold. I tell you what, though. My woolly hat with a light on the top is coming in handy. Because you've got to hunt out the piss. I thought you said your woolly hat. No, my woolly hat. My woolly hat. My woolly hat. I've got to hunt out the piss I thought you said your woolly hat no my woolly my woolly hat right my woolly hat

I've got a light on it my woolly hat I've got a light on like a miner and that's good because you need to praise him when he pisses but sometimes you can't

see the piss because it's dark and I've not even done it when it's raining yet what happens when it rains oh man alive does he like you yeah I don't know

he's not said anything. Lou got praised today. Yeah? From the dog? No, from the nursery school. They went, oh, we've read your book, Rob. And I was like, thank you. No biggie.

And they went, yeah, because Lou writes a bit in it about how she felt about a certain situation. And they went, oh, your bit, Lou, was hysterical. It was so funny. Best bit of the book. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. But to be fair, Lou is a better writer than me, but she just hasn't written anything.

I said she should write a little blog each week about her experiences of the week. And then I said all the podcast listeners will love that because then they can sort of like detective match it up to see if my version of events are the same as Lou's. To be honest, I don't think she'll write it this week because I think she's on the edge. No, no, no, exactly.

It would read more like a cry for help if she started writing it this week. Yeah. Oh, wow. So that's been your week. And you think that's basically next week as well, really? Yeah, but I think we're going to start, I reckon this week we'll get an handle on it

next couple of weeks. Because if you do it right, they are quite responsive dogs, quite quickly. But we were doing the toilet training completely wrong, trying to use training pads and stuff like that. But basically, you just have to take them outside every hour. And as soon as they do it, praise them and give them treats. And then they just get used to that. In three months' time, how often are you having to take them out?

Well, I don't think it'll be as often because their bladders get bigger and they can hold it longer and stuff and what'll happen is they'll go to the back door probably and just make little noise and then you let them out

and then they do it and then they just come back in but at this stage we're training them that it's a fun thing to do because they forget and they'll just

wander off because they're a kid aren't they like potty training a kid essentially yeah bloody hell mate so much dog shit mate and then the cat

started pissing and shitting oh what in a kind of solidarity or as a kind of dirty protest i don't know just in a sort of panics kind of because also you know a cat ain't good for a fucking whip it whip it's love chasing them the cat must be absolutely livid well no they're sitting next to each other on the sofa and chilling but then when the dog wakes up the dog wants to play and then the cat runs off. Right. Because it's a pretty sweet deal for a cat. And then a dog turns up and suddenly your life's turned into flux, really, isn't it?

Oh, mate, it's carnage. But the thing is, though, what I would like to say is the kids are absolutely loving it. And they're playing with him. They're really cuddling him and getting cosy with him. And he's really fun and he's lovely. And I think in the day, it's really nice for Lou and us. It's really a nice, calming presence in the house. It's just getting that evening sorted.

But I look at other dogs. Most people with dogs aren't getting up every hour. People wouldn't have dogs if you got up with them every hour. It's just because they're young. No, exactly, exactly. Anyway, that's my week. And kids-wise, oh, yeah, this is the problem, though. The kids go, Fred isn't playing with me,

as if I can convince him to play with them. Oh, yeah, you've just got to let them go. It's like David Attenborough, isn't it? You've just got to let nature take its course with those kind of things, right? Yeah, exactly. And they go, oh, Freddy won't lay on my lap. I'm like, there's nothing...

I'll be honest, during the day, the dog ain't the problem, it's the kids. Yeah. In the night, the dog's the problem. Well, it's good that you've got all 24 hours covered but also i'm getting old now josh the other night i couldn't sleep because i trapped wind because i ate an apple too quickly bloody hell rob i had to go down and have a deflatin like them weird little renny things because you ate an apple too quickly yeah how quickly did you eat it you're one of to call people i didn't eat the core i'm not

you get a tree in your belly then but i'm getting getting old oh me too rob do you know what i had a curry last night rob yeah now um i don't want to talk too much about i'm on a fatty diet rob oh what you on i'm on the intermittent fasting. Yeah, I do that sometimes. I basically won't eat till like midday and have all the morning off. It's really good because it lets your cells regenerate and body rest, yeah. Anyway, the problem is, in the eight hours that I'm

eating, I'm like fucking Augustus Gloop. It's unbelievable. I just go for it. So this is where you basically only eat for eight hours in a day. So you stop eating at 6pm and then you can't eat again until about 10 the next day. Last night, got a curry. It's hard getting a curry down before six, isn't it? I know.

I decide to do 8pm till midday, right? Yeah, I think 8pm till midday is more sensible. Well, I do it different. I do it different on each day. Do you know what? When I was doing the last leg... If you can't do that, then it's never the right... No, no, because it's still 16 hours each time.

16 hours gap each time. Okay, fair enough. Yeah. Last leg, Rob. Yeah. Dinner was at six. It was an hour late. I wasn't even that hungry.

But I was annoyed because I was worried about where my breakfast was going to be. I was like, the longer this meal takes to come, my breakfast's being pushed back. They don't realize this is affecting what i eat tomorrow yeah you gotta have eggs at 11 exactly you'll be stirring up in a meeting sorry guys i've got some eggs now because papa john's was slow with delivery last night also papa john's in wolverhampton last night absolute disgrace took an hour i put the address in i rung them up it was a certain street for stage door.

I rung them. Took an hour. Turned up cold. Wrong drinks. And you know, you're just like, there's nothing I can do now. I'm going to say it, Rob. That is a heavy meal before a gig. Do you know what?

I was very tired and I didn't feel very well. And I said, I'm going to eat shit all day. I'm going to have pizza. I'm going to have crisps. I'm going to have chocolate bar because it's going to make me feel better in the short term. And then on Monday, I'm back to have pizza. I'm going to have crisps. I'm going to have chocolate bar because it's going to make me feel better in the short term. And then on Monday, I'm back to eggs 11. I'm back on the grind. So, yeah.

So that's what happened with me. I had the curry last night. And I think through the week, my ability to eat and my stomach's got smaller or something. I couldn't. I've never experienced it. I basically couldn't fit the curry in, basically. I could feel it. It was, I've never experienced it. I basically couldn't fit the curry in, basically. I could feel it. It was, I've never felt so full in my life.

And then I was also thirsty because I'd had a couple of pints in the afternoon. What a life you're having. Well, it was the day of the roast. Yeah, it was the day of the roast. And then I could feel the water. I've never had this before. The water I was drinking,

I felt like it was coming up into my mouth because I was so full, Rob. It was like I'd... It was only being held in my stomach by surface tension at the top of my throat. I'd never had this before. I had my body just going, there is literally no more room now. Stop. What did you eat?

Did you have a roast? What took you? Breakfast. I had... What did you have? I'll hours? Did you have a roast? What took you? Breakfast. I had... What did you have? I'll be honest, I was very hungry at breakfast, Rob. I had five slices of toast. And a crumpet.

And a crumpet as well. Yeah, so five slices of toast and a crumpet. But if you'd had that at 9am, the whole thing's off. Exactly. Totally ruined. But five slices of toast and a crumpet. What you'd had that at 9am the whole thing's off exactly totally ruined but five slices of toasted crumpet and five what's on the toast

just butter well you can mix it up if you're having flour five I've had some with marmalade some with honey and just enjoyed myself

you greedy bastard fucking baddington bear having a bit of brekkie then you know that then what else did you have roast what roast

do you know what I actually ended up having the veggie burger and chips because it was the better option than the veggie roast not a light lunch

though that is it no no exactly okay yep and then for dinner a curry and three pints all in eight hours

all in eight hours and you're wondering why you're full I just don't know what happened to me no I'm not wondering why I'm full I'm fully aware why you're full. I just don't know what happened to me. No, I'm not wondering why I'm full. I'm fully aware why I'm full. Because I'll be honest with you,

the problem with this diet, while it works, and actually you feel great because it allows your body to rejuvenate. Yeah, I'd feel great as well after three pints of curry, a roast dinner, and five slices of salad stew. It does affect your relationship with food. It does become slightly like the food is a reward

like a dog yeah like a dog a dog that's got the fucking keys to the cupboard but have you lost any weight yeah yeah yeah I'm looking great oh alright I'm feeling good feeling good oh that's good yeah I do find it makes your stomach feel better

if you have that break for me yeah yeah exactly so anyway what was I going to tell you about my week oh I had a bit of a nightmare Oh, that's good. Yeah, I do find it makes your stomach feel better if you have that break for me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So anyway, what was I going to tell you about my week? Oh, I had a bit of a nightmare. Oh, go on. So when I went to get the curry, Rob, Rose was putting our baby down,

and I went to get the curry. You go and get it. That's old school. Yeah, well, it's just around the corner. Fair enough. It would be mad not to. Also, I quite enjoy the kind of, it feels nostalgic. Do you know what I mean? I think you just want to get away from your family for a bit. Yeah, I quite enjoy the kind of... It feels nostalgic.

Do you know what I mean? I think you just want to get away from your family for a bit. Yeah, I do enjoy that, yeah. But also, you get there... If you get there early, Rob, do you remember this from the olden days when you used to get a curry? There'd be a table with a tabloid, and you'd just sit there and you'd just read the Daily Mirror. It's great.

And they'd have, like, the little nuts out. Yeah, oh, man, it's... Everyone would go, don't eat them, because someone's probably pissed on their hand and eaten them. Yeah, exactly. That's what my dad used to say. Yeah, of course, of course. So what I used to do is just piss on the nuts,

and then it's, you know, I know it's my piss then. Do you want to go to curry? What is your curry order, by the way? What is my curry order? Is it just a curry and rice, or are you having extras as well? I think rice is a waste of time, mate. Me too, don't bother with it. Bullshit, it's total bullshit.

It's a curry order. There was four of us because Rose's mum and sister are staying. Vegetable Danzac. Vegetable Jalfrezi. Tarkadal. Sagaloo. Rice for the idiots. And garlic naan.

Poppadoms. Oh, nice. Onion bargees. And did you have a bit of all of that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fucking hell, mate. It's great. I too much of anything wrong. You're choking on your own dinner. Exactly. Oh nice Onion bar juice And did you have a bit of all of that? Yeah Oh yeah It's great Too much of anything wrong

Choking on your own dinner Exactly I had to get I've never had this before Rob I had to get up for a shit Two hours into my sleep Was it a definite shit? Or did you properly go?

Or was it just the little ones? No I was like Oh no That is a No. I was like... Oh, no. That is a terrible routine. I'm like your dog. So what time did you go to bed?

I went to bed... Well, I'll be honest, because we're getting up so early. Went to bed at half nine. Got up at half eleven. Damn it, shit. What a life. Was you half asleep or did you fully wake up

do it in the dark or did you pop the light on pop the light on yeah treat yourself yeah looked at my phone for a bit read an article on the athletic about Olig and the social security

and then went back to bed fair enough wow and have you had one this morning or is that just your new time no no no that's terrible that's not my new time I hope

well it might be I'll let you know I'll let you know next week you changed your diet to this that's going to be the new time you have a shit no

no no it's purely related to the problem with the curry no no no whenever no oh no don't you're twisted

I know you're angry about the dog but you don't need to twist the knife on someone else no I'm just saying when I was really strict with what don't need to twist the knife on someone else. No, I'm just saying, when I was really strict with what I was eating earlier in the year, I was really strict with what I was eating.

I was eating between specific times. I've discovered that I literally had to have a shit at 7.30am every day. And that would wake me up. And that would be the first thing I'd do was have a shit. Or, you know, if I got up early, then I'd look at my watch and be like, oh, five minutes until the shit. And literally on cue, bang.

That's what happens because you get used to eating at certain times. So I think 11.30 is going to be the new time you have a poo. Well, do you know what, Rob? Next time I have a poo, I'll text you. How does that sound? Yeah, that'd be great. I'll send you a voice memo. With the dog?

I won't send you a voice memo. You're right there, mate. I'll let you know that you were right about the toilet time oh I was just going to tell you about walking to the curry house and um put my headphones in

to listen to some music so I was listening to this song I'll talk you through what happened so I put on my song right and it's playing as you're walking to the thing as I'm walking to the thing i'm like this is

nice and then out of nowhere it just does that all right it's uh it's a lullaby and i'm like oh there's something wrong with my phone and my screen's a bit dodgy anyway so it's probably just pressed a button so so i put my song back on, right? And then about five seconds later, it defaults back to that. And I'm like, what's wrong with my phone? So I put my song back on. And then I get a message from Rose. And she's like, your phone is linked to the Spotify in our son's room. Can you stop changing the music, please?

She's playing. She's in the other room. Can you stop changing the music, please? She's playing. She's in the other room. Playing a lullaby. Playing a lullaby. And you keep turning on your music. I keep turning on my music. So you can't even listen to music. I couldn't even listen to my music on Spotify

because it's linked to his room. Oh, thank God you weren't watching something naughty. Yeah, thank God I wasn't watching porn on the way to the curry house. Thank God I wasn't watching something naughty. Yeah, thank God I wasn't watching porn on the way to the curry house. Thank God I wasn't listening to the audio track of pornography on the way to get a DanSac. DanSac back and crack. Oh, that's annoying, isn't it?

Yeah. But you don't have to be near. You could be playing it from anywhere in the world, the music. Well, he's on my Spotify account, isn't he? He hasn't got his own account. Because he hasn't got a debit card yet to link up so um oh so you can have it on a different device so you basically had it on like it was on the ipad in his room because he's normally been white noise but he's got into lullabies which are on spotify he's got into he's got into yeah he went to a few gigs and just saw a couple of bands supporting and liked it

do you know what also he's been into lullabies since to a few gigs and just saw a couple of bands supporting and liked it. Do you know what? Also, he's been into Lollabye since they were quite small, so now they're massive. Yeah, exactly. He's a bit over there. He's looking for something new, probably maybe a couple of Mr. Tumble songs or something like that.

Get into some new shit. Have you got any Instagrams, Rob? Yeah, I've got a couple of Instagrams. We haven't got much. I tell you what, we'll do some more on Friday, but we can do things I don't have an opinion on. Oh, love it. Quickly, this is from Ellie. The correct way to pronounce GIF, you know, the G-I't have an opinion on. Oh, love it. Quickly, this is from Ellie.

The correct way to pronounce gif. You know, the G-I-F. Oh, yeah. Gif, gif, gif, gif. Totally, yeah. Totally. Don't care about that. No opinion on it.

The outcome of the bake-off. In the grand scheme of things, I have energy to carry about. They are fucking cakes. I appreciate that a pie is more serious than a cake, but even then, nope. Couldn't give a shit.

That's from Karina. Do you know what? I would agree, but I do care about Strictly this year like an absolute loser. Oh, really? Yeah, nope, couldn't give a shit. That's from Karina. Do you know what? I would agree, but I do care about Strictly this year like an absolute loser. Oh, really? Yeah. Other people's dreams don't care.

That's from Louisa. Do you know what? Rose said that one as well to me. That's bang on. Couldn't care less. But she does then tell me about her dreams. Also, guys, I do have things I don't have an opinion on. Separating lights and darks in the wash.

Elliot. Ooh. That's interesting. Do you know what? I've never separated lights and darks in the wash. Elliot. That's interesting. Do you know what? I've never separated lights and darks. Really? I've never done it. Okay. Just bang it all in. I used to bang it all in and now do you know what? Me and Rose have struck a bit

of a deal. A bit of a silent deal in that she seems to in the last, since we got together really, she's taken on washing and I've taken on bins right um if pluto is a planet or not don't care jessica couldn't care less couldn't care less this one from steve all right you slags just just want you to know i don't have an opinion on if the clocks should go back or not okay i'm sorry steve i do have an opinion on that i think it's the worst

thing that's ever happened um this one's from millie the john lewis christmas song or how to pronounce quinoa don't care whether we landed on the moon or not could not give a shit from I think it's the worst thing that's ever happened. This one's from Millie. The John Lewis Christmas song, or how to pronounce, Quinoa, Quinoa, don't care. Whether we landed on the moon or not, could not give a shit, from Mossy1985. Love the opinions there. We'll have some more longer correspondence on Friday.

Time for a small business shout-out now. Small business shout-out. Oh, shall I find my... Oh, find your guy. I've got a good one here. Hey, guys. As a single lady with zero kids, but a fun aunt and nieces and nephews, I'm obsessed with how funny and entertaining your podcast is

and regularly laugh out loud while listening and also recommend it to anyone that will listen. Thank you very much, Steph. However, I want to send you a message about my friend's small business. He started up a golf club cover business for fun and to subsidise him whilst he was off on furlough. Turns out he has quite the

flair for it and is aspiring to do it full time it's called hell for leather and that's on instagram at hell for leather golf check it out and see what you think i've had a look and steph is absolutely quality they're really nice stuff golf stuff can be a bit old manny and tragic but this stuff's really cool actually um so if you want some stuff they do bobble hats and stuff as well because it does get um a bit cold when you're playing golf but yeah loads of really cool bobble hats um covers for golf and really cool christmas presents and if you get in before november 14th you can actually order a custom one so you can get like your dad or partners or your mom or sister's name written on the golf club and a little illustration pick the color and you can have a customized one but you've got to order it before november 14th so

go to hell for leather on instagram and order some stuff and let's get this guy full time there we go uh now i've seen him three times and he's absolutely superb Puppet It Entertainers. It's Puppet with the word it on the end. P-U-P-P-E-T-I-T. And I don't think they're on Instagram or any of that stuff. They don't need to be, Rob. It's word of mouth. Word of mouth. But if you want to email them, puppetit.entertainers at gmail.com.

Absolutely superb stuff. Great act, shitty email address. Great act, shitty email. but you know great act shitty email doesn't need it doesn't need it I did the whole thing on whatsapp with him people just come up to him

in Victoria Park and go look mate when those rats have cleared out do you want to come back next weekend I'll pay you cash in hand he's like yes please see you there

see you by the fumigator I'll meet you by the palmer violets and the used condom let's entertain the used condom was not in how used was it Victoria Park it wasn't the condom let's entertain the used condom was not in how used was it

Victoria Park it wasn't the condom it was just the wrapper oh okay so they took that yeah they've a bit of dignity yeah

I'm a bit worried about when I take my dog for walks I'm out of like I just I just don't want to find a dead body it's always dog

finders that find them isn't it be a weird news story as well wouldn't it Rob Beckett's dog finds a dead body again third time in a week

that picture of you in the that picture library picture of you in the bucket hat story as well wouldn't it? Rob Beckett's dog finds a dead body again third time in a week. That picture of you in the library picture of you in the bucket hat really inappropriate. They see me, there's a police turn up interview me, I'm in my dressing gown, full erection dog treats in my pocket bobble out on this light on the top finding dead bodies left right and centre but hopefully that doesn't

happen. Right, we'll do more correspondence sorry we've had a busy couple of weeks with Dubai and the dog. We'll get back to normal operations and get you guys involved. Will never happen. We say that every week. We've had a couple of busy weeks. We've never gone,

it's quite an easy week this week, so we'll throw it over to you. Actually, not much to mention. So, yeah. Yeah, we might actually knock it on the head. The podcast seems like the kids aren't... Everything's going fine. Oh, God. There's loads of shit that happened with the kids I didn't even talk about. Anyway, we'll actually knock it on the head. The podcast seems like the kids aren't... Everything's going fine. Oh, God.

There's loads of shit that happened with the kids I didn't even talk about. Anyway, we'll see you on Friday and we'll have another interview with a top guest from the world of entertainment. Bye. Bye-bye. Hello, I'm Tom Crane.

And I'm Simran Shah. And we're the hosts of the new food and comedy podcast, My Favourite Takeaway, where each week we're invited into the home of a celebrity guest to share their favourite takeaway exactly as they normally have it. We'll be trying it all from Peruvian street food slouched on James Acaster's L-shaped sofa to an Antiguan feast huddled around Andy Oliver's dinner table via an alfresco Indian takeaway sat in Tom Allen's garden. And we also want to hear from you, the listener.

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