Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP37: My back went holding the baby!

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

S03 EP37: My back went holding the baby! More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Hey, Joshua, can you say Josh Widdicombe? Oh, OK. Go on then. Josh Widdicombe. I think Josh Widdicombe. Yeah.

Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Well done, my love. Oh, that was a nice one. There we go, yeah. Yeah, who was that?

That was Hi Rob and Josh Love, capital letters, the podcast. I've been listening to it continuously as I only discovered it a month ago thanks to the Catherine Ryan podcast. Here's my two... Blimey, working from the start, right? Here's my two-year-old son Joshua saying your names. He was born... Oh, no, no, I think it was from her, Catherine Ryan's own podcast.

She rung me the other day for parenting advice about something, but she rung me and I didn't realise I was on the phone, so I was just letting loose like you normally do before you see the little red dot of recording. I was like, fucking hell, Catherine, you have to take that out, wouldn't you? But I think that's what she's referring to. Catherine Ryan's great podcast.

Oh, right. Here's my two-year-old son, Joshua, saying your names. He was born six and a half weeks early, which was very scary. But with the help and care of NHS, we all got through it together. He was eating raisins at the time. I presume they mean while doing the recording. Not while he was being born. He was eating raisins at the time I presume they mean while doing the recording, not while he was being

born, he was eating raisins at the time Jesus Christ how early was he? he didn't even come out in grape form and one of them wasn't to his liking in case you're wondering why he said yuck, take care Laura, there we go

I do find raisins a real mixed bag of a snack. Crap on there, crap. Strawberries as well. Outer season strawberries. Bitter bastards. Yeah. And they're all red.

They're all red like they're fucking juicy. And they're not. Growing up on Dartmoor, I just used to pick wild strawberries. Oh, you're a little feral child, aren't you? Little feral, little dirty knees. But you've still got dirty knees. You can't clean it off.

I mean, so running around in shorts in winter do I dirty knees do I come across as the kind of child that went outside you come across

as a dirty knee boy do I yeah my mum always thinks she looks scruffy and dirty we've spoke about this yeah we've spoken about this yeah because of my shoes

I've never had dirty knees in my life I like that Josh do you know what he needs do you know what he needs a good wash that's the kind of life I like that Josh Do you know what he needs? Do you know what he needs? A good wash That's the kind of thing she'd say Do you know what?

Never had dirty knees Except obviously when I fell over jogging About two months ago Yeah Scuffed knees Poor Josh How are you Josh? I'm alright

I mean we've done so many recordings of this This week Rob That I don't actually see it Feel like I've seen my kids Do you know what? I feel like you've done last many recordings of this this week, Rob, that I don't actually see it feel like I've seen my kids. Do you know what? I feel like you've done Last Leg as well last night. Yeah, I did. This is our Tuesday episode,

but we're having to record it on Saturday morning due to work commitments next week. And you've just woken up, and I've been awake for nearly six hours. So I'm flying. So I got back at 1. 1 a.m.? 1 a.m.

Oh, okay. Yeah, because the problem is... Actually, I got back at half. 1am? 1am. Oh, okay. Yeah, because the problem is... Actually, I got back at half 12, I think, because I was particularly tired. Problem is, I can't sleep straight away after the last night. No, you have a lonely pint and watch Blur documentaries. We know this. Well, last night I tried to have a glass of red wine,

but I was just too tired. I thought, what's this doing? What's the point? Did you watch anything or go straight to bed? Well, I stayed at the BBC and we had... I tried to have a chat, but I just didn't have anything to offer. I've got nothing to say to people. You've been there all week sorting out that show.

Last thing you need to do is talk to them about the show again. All I want to do is talk to them about the bloody show. I hate watching the show back and talking about the show. I know people involved didn't like it. That's why I like podcasts and a podcast and live stand-up and live TV because done, see you later,

slap you on the arse, I'm off home. Yeah, well that's the problem with the BBC, isn't it? Slap you on the arse. They have tried to eradicate that from the building but some of it still goes on.

Trousers down, slap me on the arse, see you next week. But you're a bit tired, Josh. Yeah, got to bed at one. No, then, no, all right. So we've had a bit of a break. Oh no, I don't want, I don't want to say tired, Josh. Yeah, got to bed at one. No, then, no, all right. So we've had a bit of a break. Oh, no, I don't want to say that, Rob.

What? You've had a breakthrough? You've had a breakthrough? Go on, talk about the breakthrough. So I told you last week about him listening to kind of musicalised nursery rhymes, like little musical nursery rhymes on Spotify. Yeah. It is, like, absolute.

It's like giving him a valium. It knocks him out, Rob. Really? So he goes back out now. You know he was waking up at five to feed and then not going back to sleep? Yep. Pop on a nursery rhyme,

he's going back down till 20 past six this morning, Rob. 20 past fucking six. So what am I, a fucking student, getting up at twenty past six? You big lazy layabout, bloody hell. You big swampy over it. No wonder I've got dirty knees.

I'm never out of bed. There's not like an ethical earth campaigner that you could take the piss out of now. Like Swampy you was allowed to. You can't say Greta Thunberg because she's got up and about and quite clean looking, isn't she? Yeah, exactly.

If anything, she's got a lot of get up and go, hasn't she? You can shove your climate change up your ass. You can shove your climate change up your ass. I love that. That was fun, wasn't it? Do you know what? My son would probably go to sleep if he heard that.

I would love that. Get Greta in for a live performance. Does she do PAs? She's got her own money somehow. Yeah. The only problem is you book her, but it takes her six months to get here because she's sales. So you got up at half six.

So your breakthrough is that your child wakes up at 6.20 now? Yeah, it's insane. I don't think that's as great as you think it is. I think it is, Rob. Okay, all right, that's fine then. It does what you think. Because in my head... There's people without children listening to this, Josh.

And you sound mad. That's why they're listening to us. You sound insane. You're buzzing off getting up at 6.20am. After already being woken up at 5. But, yeah, exactly. So I then, all right, I got up at 6.20. I said to Rose, I'll go back to bed,

because she's been up since five. She got up feeding at five. I said, I'll do 45 minutes, let you have a bit of a lie in, and then I'll go back to bed until the podcast. Okay. So I did that. Also, another huge breakthrough, Rob. Go on.

And this is quite emotional, Rob. All right. We've got to the point now. It's just child two. Yeah. We've got to the point where we're losing items. They're no longer being needed. We're retiring items forever.

Oh, okay. I get it. So what's gone? The bounce chair. The little bounce chair you put them in. R.I.P. So what have you got? So you're ruling out a third completely? Yeah, I am, mate. Oh, I'll have to buy another bounce chair.

That's going to be the real low moment, isn't it? That you're celebrating the retirement. The problem is, Rose is publicly, and I think she is ruling out a third, but she is being resisted. Publicly? Like what she's like, to me. Footsie 100 combo. She's taking it to the board

and she spoke to the shareholders and she's ruling it out. I'm worried there's a rogue trader going on here Rob. But I'm I think there could be. She's resistant to getting rid of the bounce chair.

I said should we just put it on the street now? Let's just fucking do it. Oh. So you want to like fully get rid give it away to someone take it to a charity let's get it out of the kitchen put it on the street someone will want it just like as a

morale boost like look we've got rid of the bounce chair things are moving forward but she's resistant to the bounce chair i mean she said she wasn't emotionally ready to get rid of the bounce chair what the fuck does that mean what does that mean i'll tell you what that fucking means mate you're having a third and there's nothing you can do about it. Yes, it does, mate. She don't want to retire the bounce chair. It's the first sign. It's a red flag.

There's no fucking way. She's too emotionally attached to a bounce chair. Josh, you know what it means. You don't need me to tell you. You know what it means. Well, I'll update you next week. I'm going to push to get rid of this bounce chair because I need it. It's a symbol.

It's a symbol of my freedom. Why is she too emotionally attached to a bounce chair because i need it it's a symbol it's a symbol of my freedom but why is she too emotionally attached to a bounce chair i understand clothes there's little baby clothes that who doesn't want to get rid of i get that bounce chair and also we know rose she loves to trade furniture she needs space she needs knickknack room but that's being taken by bounce chair and she hates clutter she hates clutter why does she want to keep the bounce chair? No, she likes ordered clutter. She likes knick-knack clutter, not plastic bounce chair.

Yeah, but she does not like... Yeah, exactly. And I agree. But I'm just saying, if you don't need it and you're not having any more kids, why keep it? Right, Rob.

I can feel you're angry because of your dog. I'm not angry, mate. I'm not angry. I'm not angry, mate. I'm not angry. I'm happy now. Don't you dare accuse me of being angry. How can someone be angry when they've seen, you know, the sunset and rise in one day without sleeping?

How can someone that's taken in the beauty of the earth... Oh, yeah, I've seen the stars in the middle of the night whilst picking up shit. I'm not angry. I'm just, I'm enjoying life. I'm taking it all on my chin. Can I ask you a question? Do you need a bounce chair for your dog?

So anyway, I got up. I got up. Yeah. Did the time. So he's gone into the high chair, which is just brilliant. Yes. I mean, you're going to enjoy this,

but you know he won't be put down. Yeah. Or he wouldn't. Yeah, he just needs to be held, yep. He just needs to be held because he was teething. Yeah. My back went, Rob, holding the fucking baby. I screamed in pain.

How big's the baby? Dude, he's a normal-sized baby, but it was the repetition of carrying the baby. But you're losing weight at the moment. You're exercising and he's putting on weight. Are you nearing each other's same weight? He's like, I'm in the bounce chair. Rosie's going, Josh is wasting away.

I'll pop him in the bounce chair next time he gets anxious about a TV show. But your back went. So what's the score? It's just quite painful. I think it feels like it's getting better. He's got a bad back. Have you got a bad guy?

It's not, yeah, I have got a bad guy. You've got a bad guy? Yeah, I've got an osteopath. He visits your house. No way.

Yeah, he's great. Oh, mate, dear me, the bad guy's deets. He's great. He visits your house,

he talks to you about Tottenham, and then he does, he makes your back better. actually keep it to yourself. I don't want Tottenham around my house. I'd rather I have a bad back. So then I went back to bed at eight this morning. Yeah.

And I'm not going to lie, I really considered, because I'd enjoyed it so much. Everyone just have a quick shot if you're playing the Josh Winnicombe drinking game. Because I've been really enjoying it. I toyed with putting the nursery rhymes on, because they are getting me off to sleep so well, Rob. Oh, so now you're benefiting from the nursery rhymes.

Yeah, it's so pleasant to have the nursery rhymes on at night. So you're starting to listen to it? Well, I didn't do it because i thought it's a bit weird it's like something you'd hear about michael jackson do you know what i mean like yeah but no i think that's fine as long as you're just not sleeping with a child actor next to you as you're as you're listening to it okay yeah i'm invited around hayley joel osmond yeah thomas thomas turgoose making him dress up in his England outfit. Big bulky DMs on. Come on, Tom.

Have a little lay down here with old Joshy. No, I didn't do that. No, yeah. But I did feel it was weird. No, I think that's okay. Okay, good. That's fine. What's the number I find weird when the kids go to school

and I realise Mr Tumble's been on for an hour. You're like, what am I doing? My daughter's got into some non-kids so on halloween yeah she wanted to watch a pumpkin being carved on tv right yeah yeah sure yeah so he put on a thing on youtube of a thing called dave hacks h-a-x right dave hacks yeah okay and he he's just uh he's like a dweeb but he does stuff like shows you the best ways to do things. Yeah. She's become fucking obsessed with Dave hacks.

Dave hacks. So it'll be stuff like different ways of cutting an apple or trying these kitchen equipment or how to build a little boat out of, you know, what are they called? Lolly sticks and stuff. Kitchen gadgets. Oh, how to cut a hot dog. Yeah, watch 30 seconds of Dave Hacks now, Ronk. Okay, right.

And this is what my daughter is watching for two hours a day. Okay. Oh, he is a nice little nerd, isn't he? Yeah. He's very gentle, isn't he? Yeah, she's obsessed with this. It's very kids TV, though. He's got the little jingly jangly music.

I'm quite enjoying it. I've never seen a potato be undressed that quick. No, it's amazing. He's very good at what he does. If you want a potato pill, Dave Hacks your man. The other day we finished a packet of wet wipes, and my daughter turned to me and she said, Dave Hacks wouldn't throw that away.

He'd use that for something. Would he? Okay. She does like Dave Hacks. She's become obsessed with, like, yeah, she loves Dave Hacks. No, the most adulty thing they like is sort of Simpsons. Not really any sort of YouTube. They're watching that weird Ryan kid on YouTube.

I don't even know how they're accessing it. They've just got their, like, Amazon Fire tablet things, which I hate. I can't work them. I prefer them to have Apple, but they're cheaper and they keep breaking them. What? It's that funny?

Just that I hate them, but they are cheaper. Yeah, I hate them. I can't work with them, but they're cheaper. Yeah, no, I'd love to give Dave... I'll see if my kids like Dave Hacks. We'll try and get him on. I mean, it's a very weird thing. I think she might be quite an eccentric child.

If she stays into Dave Hacks when she gets to school, it's going to cause all kinds of problems. He's got six million YouTube followers. He's doing well. Yeah, he's a millionaire, Rob. He's a millionaire, Dave Hacks. I watched to school it's going to cause all kinds of problems. He's got six million YouTube followers. He's doing well. Yeah, he's a millionaire. He's a millionaire, Dave Hacks. I watched this morning at half six with her

I watched a video about how to make a white chocolate milk bottle. Oh, really? A white... Do you know what? I bought my daughter the other day

from the gym cafe she wanted a strawberry milkshake I didn't realise I brought her a super boost protein shake. Oh, my word. She's going to be absolutely henched by next week. She's absolutely's absolutely ripped absolutely i'll do my back out picking her up

next week just picking up a little strong world's strongest woman how's your week been yeah do you know what it's got a lot better with a dog it is hard um a few things that basically the shift pattern we're on at the moment josh right right? It's got better. Last night was really good. But essentially, we put the dog in his little crate at about 11. Now he doesn't cry going in. He used to whimper a little bit, doesn't cry until he goes in. And then at the start of the week, he was waking up every hour and a half, two hours crying. I took him out for a wee, did a wee, went back, he went to sleep.

Two hours later, and I was doing the nighttime. So I was getting up at about 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and about 5 a.m. And then Lou would get up about half five for the day with the kids and the dog. Right. I did that for three nights. There's no nursery rhyme. No, I did that for three nights. On the fourth night, I had almost a severe mental breakdown.

And Lou had to do an intervention and send me to bed. And then now I'm doing the mornings and Lou's doing the night. But last night, the dog didn't even wake up. I woke up once at 3am for a wee. And that that was it and then he woke up when the kids woke up in the morning and that's only after you train them through the night just they will just get better basically their bladder gets bigger they literally can't hold the wee so they can hold the wool to they won't ever want to wee in their crate because it's where they sleep and they like they don't want to be they're not dirty like that so they'll be what do they whine yeah so

they whine going i can't hold it what we're hearing what's that. So they'll be, do they whine? Yeah, so they whine going, I can't hold it. Do an impression of what we're hearing. What's that? Do an impression of what you're waking up to, what sound. Oh, that's a good impression actually. Blimey, that's pretty good. That's pretty good, isn't it? I'm like the geezer out of Police Academy.

But yeah, so that's good, right? So that's fine. But, and now I'm sort of doing the mornings, we're shifting up. So actually it's not as bad as it was. Lou actually told me off after listening to the last week's episode for slagging off the dog

and making people think that we can't cope with the dog. And I was like, are you aware that I've slagged off our kids for two years on this podcast? But the dog's the line apparently. I was like, okay, that's fine. But I've not, I've spoke about the dog the same way I've spoken about it.

The dog's never going to listen to this when it's grown up and need therapy. Well, we never know. Do you know what I mean? We don't know what technology

we'll be able to do in the future, Josh. Yes. You know, we can't, we can't, we can't say that for certain.

In the metaverse, old Freddy will be going, he'll be in therapy, he'll be in dog therapy talking about the time that his dad slagged him off. One thing annoying about the dog josh because i want to do loads of instagrams of other people because you've heard enough from us the last couple of weeks i've worked out the

whip it yeah classically a working class northern dog yeah in south london in certain parts yeah it's a hipster dog so now i'm having fucking hipsters come up to me saying like, cool dog, yeah? And I want to kill them. Oh no, Rob. And I actually... There's always a space for you in Hackney, mate. If you want to come and see us all in Hackney.

I went and met my mates in a pub in Lewisham, right? And we're a little bit half hipster, half not my mates, to be fair, because we're from South London. And then we were quite excited when it got a bit gentrified and new stuff come in. But then it got to the point where even when i was on the telly i couldn't afford a flat in new cross or brockley and i had to move out no you can't even afford an ipad exactly so i went to this pub in lewisham and a whippet came in with his owners lovely couple hipstery couple absolutely fine they'll come in with a coat on even though it was indoors

like a jumper and also you know them little sort of lamb rugs yeah they get from ikea those little not actually lamb they're fake fur but look like big furry white polar bear type rug things right a little one of them from ikea put on the floor of the pub for the dog to lie on and i like my dog right but i'm not a dog i some people treat the dog like child i'm very much i treat this dog a bit like a pissed up stag on a stag do yeah yeah and i come down and says like you're all right mate you need a piss or what that's my attitude not oh my little baby yeah i want a dog he runs fast take him for a walk i can get pissed with him and i don't feel like i'm alone that's what i want a dog for yeah is that fair right

yeah i think that's fair but these people treat this dog like a baby and then i was chatting about a dog and i was pissed and i was like yeah they're nice little dogs aren't they and then i was off and i went yeah and i couldn't speak oh you're a bit pissed you can't speak properly yeah they run they run about 30 miles per hour and it was like looking at me funny i went yeah because they're like half cat half dog they don't do much and they looked at me with actual disgust but that's just because i think it's their sort of special little dog. But I'm a bit annoyed. Are you getting a whippet? Is that going to adversely affect the reputation of whippets?

Look, I've got a feeling whipsters... Whipsters? That's what they'll call us. That's what they'll be calling them, whipsters. They'll be called whipsters. You're a whipster, mate. Oh, shit. Well, look, let it be that. I think Lou is more of a whipster than you are, Rob.

Lou's more of a whipster than me. I'm just there by proxy. What I'm saying here is, when they take off as Dot, I don't want to be accused of starting the whipster, hipster, whip it trend. Sure, I brought back the bucket hat. I'm not bringing back the whip it. I'm doing it on my own accord, and don't drag me down with the hipsters. No, I don't think that.

I think it's two separate areas of whip it. I'm going to keep my eyes out for whipsters in Hackney because obviously you'd think... Yes. You'd think this was an absolute haven of whipsters. There are. Look, trust me. Once you see them, hipsters with Whippets,

there's whipsters all over the gaff. Do you know what? Any whipster photos, please send them in. My friend Magalie, she's a whipster. She is the aunt of the sexy skateboarder. Oh, right. Okay, yeah, Magalie and the sexy skateboarder. It's all fallen into place.

But I just don't think you should take a rug to a pub for a dog. No, I don't think so. Whippets, in their defence, are skinny and do need jumpers and sometimes coats because they've got really thin fur and thin skin. Oh, here we go. This is Rob telling me that he's bought his dog a jumper. I haven't, Luaz, but they do get cold.

She's a whipster. I refuse to put the jumper on the dog, but Lou sometimes does. How easy is it to put a jumper on a dog? Do they care? Do they button up or do you have to put it over the head? It's all different combos. Some's got a bit elastic and sometimes I just bite it off. Sometimes you lose a leg and sometimes I whip out a leg.

She's got like a roll neck jumper for this dog. Looks like a fucking fisherman ridiculous but anyway there's keep your eye out for whipsters but i'm a bit worried about being a whipster but um parenting wise one thing that's annoying about the dog is the kids always want the dog on the lap but their laps a bit too small so the dog always comes and sits on my lap and then they go but i want doggy in my lap i don't i'm like it's not i can't it's not a toy i can't make the dog sit on her lap and then yeah go but i want doggy in my lap i don't i'm like it's not i can't it's not a toy i can't make the dog sit on a lap and then yeah what they start doing is they go dad do you need to go somewhere do you need to get up so that i get up so that then the whip it then sits on the next

yeah yeah also i don't even call the dog by its name i just call it the dog is that bad well you are using his name here, Freddie. It's not like with your kids. It's not like... Yeah, I know. I'm not trying to protect his identity. Look, I like the dog. But I think if you're trying to bond with anything, if your main bonding time is 3am picking up at shit,

it's a tough bonding session. Exactly. But I do love having the dog, and I really like the dog. I didn't read it, Rob, until you said that. Some people really love their dog, but I don't... I feel like I don't love the dog enough. You'll get there. You'll get there. I love having the dog.

But my mate, I felt guilty the other night. I was talking about why it's so nice when you have a dog. They're so friendly and you get home. We went to the pub, and when he got back, he sent a text to the WhatsApp group going, yeah, this is my dog, and look how lovely she is. And he was stroking her and sent a video of her stroking her. I was in bed

and I realised I didn't even say hello to the dog I just went straight to bed that's alright Rob it's a dog is that alright it's a dog also

think how cold a lot of whipsters are with their dogs they're too cool to say they love their dogs do you know what I mean and I'm around with the dog all day too bloody post modern and ironic

to love their dogs so I love I love spending time with the dog but I don't but I still don't see it as like a child. You're not in love with the dog. You're like Ross Geller. I love the dog, but I'm not in love with the dog yet. But I think I'll get there.

Good. Yeah? Is that fair? Yeah, that's good. And I look forward to tracking your journey with the dog and your inevitable second and third dogs. Do you love your cat? cat no let's do some correspondence right okay let's do something i've got some brilliant instagram messages yeah right hit me with your instagrams i like hearing from the listeners i've been blabbering on about this fucking dog too much okay josh you remember the fast forward um name you know the

name for the fast forwarding on sky plus oh yeah yeah yeah oh yeah lovely what are we call it you got any juice yeah fast forward up to speed what do you call it in your house well rob oh sorry just as an aside so it's just reminding me of something of how little time i have in my evening so this is how little time I have in my evening. So, this is how little time we have to watch TV in the evening, sorry. We're trying to watch a documentary about Suge Knight. Do you know Suge Knight of Death Row Records? Yes, the hip-hop producer that's now in prison.

Spoiler alert. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what? We've done two nights, and we're only two-thirds of the way through it, Rob. It's an hour and a half we don't have time to fucking fast forward through adverts we only get to sit down for half an hour a night before we're going to fucking bed mate but i spend too long trying to pick do you know what i watched this morning 5 a.m what danny dyer and danny dyer celebrity auction house wherever it's

called antiques road trip road trip that's it and they get a classic car and it's Danny Dyer and Danny Dyer big Danny Dyer little Danny Dyer yeah oh wow did you find that or was it just on do you know what it was

I just felt like such a sheep I went to catch up on Sky Plus it was the first thing they suggested oh mate pathetic

little robot boy little sheeple spoon fed spoon fed entertainment which I'm too tired and weak I didn't even watch it A little sheeple. Spoonfed. Spoonfed entertainment. How did they do? I'm too tired and weak. I didn't even watch it. I started playing FIFA on my Switch.

I don't think we've got a word for skipping adverts. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to start implementing the best one that we hear on this podcast. Okay. I've got some options. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh and Mikey boy. I had a message in a long time listener

and lover of the podcast, Zero Sproggs But One Dog. Just listen to the latest episode where Rob mentioned, have you got any juice? I'm 22, still living with my dad. His biggest issue in life is sitting through adverts. We say, is there any in the bag?

Oh, that's nice. And if the answer is no no he will sit and repeatedly chant dead time dead time dead time until i've changed the channel so the advert torture ends dead time dead time dead time wow yeah i think that's he's sort of like almost like going you need to make sure that we start this later or get some juice in the bag there's something in the bag and thank you this is from a media thank you so much for the amazing content that keep us going through lockdown.

I tell all my childless friends to listen, best form of contraception. Okay, that was immediate. We've got another one here. The fast forward to thing. My mummy says,

sorry, my little girl says, mummy, can you do the magic? Oh. Do the magic. Do the magic, yeah.

Should we do the magic? Should we do the magic? You can't say that to Rose at nine at night, Josh. No, not again. Or Yeah, shall we do the magic? Shall we do the magic? You can't say that to Rose at nine at night, Josh. No, it doesn't. She'll go, not again. Or maybe we've kept the bouncer.

I'd prefer to buy a new bouncer, Rob. I'd prefer just to buy a new bouncer and for a year believe that I'm not going to need one. I cannot wait. I'm going to write this down. What time is it? November 13th, 2021. And then I'm going to write this down. What time is it? November 13th, 2021. And then I'm going to find this and then reply it back to you

when you buy that second bouncer for your fifth kid. I remind you of the money you wasted. They're expensive kids, mate. They're expensive. Mate, it's a joke. Here we go. I was catching up with a pod in the van on my way to work and I heard Rob and Lou use the term juice

when you have to do some fast forwarding. The term me and my girlfriend use for some unknown reason is pausiness. Pausiness. I find that a bit cutesy for my taste. I have no idea where it came from, but we know exactly what the other is referring to when we say, babe, have you got any pausiness?

That must have been implemented in the early stages of their relationship. Yeah. Oh, I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't deal with paesiness. That must have been implemented in the early stages of their relationship. Yeah. Oh, I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't deal with bawesiness. No. Do you want some more Instagram messages? Oh, Josh.

Josh is limp. This is from Troughton Jenny. I've just listened to the episode where Josh stayed in Exeter by himself and dropped a bottle of wine on his foot. Yeah. He then said he was filming for something and he was trying not to limp. Yeah. I need to know, what was he filming?

Was it Who Do You Think You Are? It was. Can you see the limp? Yes. Also, she said, as when I was watching it, he appeared to be walking with a limp and I actually Googled, is Josh Whitacombe disabled? Oh, for God's sake, that's going to help.

And thought to myself, maybe that's why he's on the last leg. No, I'm not. But yeah, that was... And do you know what? When I watched it back... It's a to help. And thought to myself, maybe that's why he's on the last leg. No, I'm not. But yeah, that was... And do you know what? When I watched it back... It's a funny walk. I watched that and I thought, he's got a weird little walk. But do you know what the worst part is, Josh?

Oh, no. Because you're a strange little fella. I just thought that's how it was. That first day when I had to do the walking shots outside the school, and you watch it and you're like, all I can remember is is the pain all i can remember is the pain of my foot what's psychological at the school or just in the foot exactly if having no friends oh it's hard having no friends when there's only six kids in the class that is brutal um but yeah no i watched that and i thought he has got a funny little walk in him but i just assumed that's how you walked no mate i walked

that's bad sorry like floating on air you walk well you glide elegance yeah exactly you strike me as somebody's quite like sort of lean and so you could be quite a good athlete like a runner no i'm so heavy-footed rob oh you're big sloppy hobbit feet when i was uh going through my period about you're getting chased by an orc yeah exactly of being obsessed with the Ben Johnson 1988 Seoul Olympics final. I was reading a book about it. Yeah, of course, yeah. Your life's great.

Yeah, exactly. But it said in that it was describing like running as an athlete and you've got to like float over the ground. It's almost about not touching the ground. Do you know what I mean? It's like your feet are just kind of kissing the tarmac as you're running, if that makes sense. Really?

And that is the opposite. That is the opposite. I went if that makes really and it's that is the opposite that is the opposite i went running the other day and it's like you know i'm properly padding down the road yeah and and then i got a text from my personal trainer who i go to occasionally yeah i said keep the noise down i'm trying to sleep they'd driven past and they said lift your feet up oh that's brutal couldn't believe it lift your feet up oh no well because i met dina asher smith uh i think britain's fastest woman ever wasn't she yeah she's great dina asher smith and she was on jonathan ross show and she walked into the room and you know like you know it's just like me and you but we are sort of semi-born to be comedians we look a bit funny the way we just sit and they talk we sound funny look and so she

just walked in it was like it was like sort of like a cheetah or a leopard the way she just walked in like every part of her body sort of moved in the right way and and she was like i didn't even know she was in the room she was just sort of like it was actually just floated in yeah under like her arms and her legs which all that he's like perfect muscles all in the right place and i was just like that's that that's an athlete look at it's unbelievable just like athletes bodies are how perfectly fine-tuned they are i remember i'm totally i filmed a thing for last leg where hilsey had to race against johnny peacock the 100 meter runner Hilsey's like, he's a jock. Do you know what I mean?

He's a really sporty guy. Maybe to you. But he was a tennis coach, like, before he was a comedian. Oh, Hilsey. Yeah, again, that's not a jock, a tennis coach, is it? Just a rich boy with no outgoings. Isn't it? Tennis coaches are always like posh rich kids

that just still live at their mum and dad's massive house in Surrey you know I've actually started in tennis coaching yeah of course you have you fucking helmet I don't know what it's like in Australia but that's what

I've discovered it's pretty alpha in Australia the tennis world look at come on mate get in your fucking backhand

get down the fucking line come on juice come on you drongo work on your serve but he's It is alpha Australian tennis actually

That Nick guy Is it Nick Curious Nick Curious Yeah he's a bit alpha Leighton Hewitt Pat Cash Is he Australian He's Australian isn't he

Anyway That's not him You're right mate Pat Cash He's quite sporty That's the word I should have used Sportier than you and Alex Yeah

And he But the moment you saw him running Next to Johnny Peacock Cash. Heelsie's quite sporty. That's the word I should have used. Sportier than you and Alex. Yeah. And he... But the moment you saw him running next to Johnny Peacock, he looked like... Like, he was flailing. Do you know what I mean? Because Johnny Peacock's body is like a machine. It's like pistons. Do you know what I mean?

It's just, like, astonishing. And what this leads us to, Rob... Wait, it wasn't leading us anywhere, but I'm going to say it. Email in. Are you shit at running? Send us a video i am terrible i hate it so much running so bad send us a video if you or your partner is really really shit at running and what's the worst things anyone said to you when you've been running because that happened to me i was trying to i was running around my block just

sort of build up a bit of like distance and stamina and I started off like running half of it and walking the rest and I built up to like running the whole thing and I did two laps and all that I was doing it and one of my neighbours

comes like yeah we do a running club and they do amateur to like beginner level for you and I was like there's no way to build my

don't you come out here and go I'm better than you at this you're shit but if you come with me you're a beginner runner Rob and you've been doing it 30 years

you've been running for 30 years and you're still a beginner. But I run. I'm all right. I'm fairly... I just don't... For me, running, I don't mind running if there's a reason to run. Yeah. If I'm playing football, I'll run.

Bus, run. Physically attacked, run. And all these people that run marathons, right? I'd love to see the ratio of people going for divorces and running marathons because do you know what it's quite easy to run for four hours when you hate your life isn't it when you don't want to go home i quite like going home so i don't want to run for three hours but if your life's shit i can totally understand why you're running from it do you know what i did start doing a lot of running in lockdown because it was just the time on my own but maybe i'm just because can't run, I'm getting rid of it.

I know there's a lot of people running listening to this. Yeah. Keep going. Keep going. If you share it, video it and send it to us. Because I really want to see some people that make me feel better about my running. Yeah, okay. If you're bad at running, send it to Josh.

He'll like to see that. Tag us in on Instagram or something. I've got an email. I've got an email for you, Rob. Oh, hello. Go on then hi josh stroke rob my husband listens to you no no no why are you stroking me it's a weird weird request my husband listens to you every morning on the way to work oh my god what's that your belly that was a firework um a firework 10 41 in the morning oh my god hackney what is happening josh

as a dog owner it's absolutely unacceptable how long firework goes on for okay it starts about bloody mid-october goes on to december we get it my husband listens to you every morning on the way to work he kept saying how much i would love your podcast i'm starting from the beginning just listen to the episode with ellie taylor the first one with the breastfeeding story i also had breastfeeding support sadly no elmo in sight instead the health visitor so do you remember ellie uh got shown with a elmo dog elmo puppet yeah instead the health visitor used my husband on her own boob. Well, hang on. She got... The lady who's emailed in got... Her husband had to suckle from the instructor's tear. She was dressed, of course,

but it was the most traumatic moment of his life. Hearing her say, nose to nipple, they smell the milk and open their mouth. He had to do that on the person teaching? No, the person teaching had to demonstrate with him as the baby. Oh, so he was to be in the baby onto his wife's breasts. No, onto the health worker's breasts. That's not accepted.

That's a matter for the police. Even him on his own wife, there needs to be a level of consent from the wife there for that and from the man. But to force the man to put his nose and mouth on the health workers breasts that cannot be okay no hearing her say nose to nipple they smell the milk and open their mouth i can picture so clearly with my husband looking at me with sheer horror in his eyes laid on a pillow which he put on her lap his nose touching her ginormous boobs whilst she cradled him like a baby.

That is the most disgusting thing I've ever... Why had he, that bloke, taken that? This gets better, Rob. If you don't think this is already a sitcom moment, to make matters worse, a family friend of ours was renovating our kitchen at the time. The door from the kitchen to the lounge was shut, but he heard everything.

Once she left, he came out and said, what the fuck happened in here? Needless to say, that was the end of our breastfeeding journey. My husband has no idea I'm sending this, but he never misses an episode. And then she's added, please say hi to Scott from Toowoomba, Australia.

I don't know if that is her husband, Scott, or if that's just getting a joke. Toowoomba. From Toowoomba, Australia. I don't know if she's her husband Scott from Toowoomba Australia I don't know if she's just getting a shower I think he's had enough of Toowoombas I think from that

alright there Scott mate get in here nose to nipple mouth open let's go suckle me dry boy wow god that's not ok

that's against the law well I don't know what it's like in Australia but it's I'd say it would be so... To be fair, they don't serve pints. It's schooners, so this may be okay there. Exactly.

They're a strange place. It's a strange place, Australia. Right, do you want some more Instagrams? Here we go. Okay, this is a great one. Just want to say thank you for creating this podcast. I started listening in October last year, and I found out my partner's preggers.

He's now four and a half months old, and this content helps massively since he sleeps less than I did at 21 in someone's kitchen. I drove from Loughborough to Sussex last night, and the Stephen Mangan episode made me laugh so much, I had to pull over due to tears in my eyes. Oh, wow. Thank you.

Police pulled up behind me and asked me to explain why I had to pull over due to tears in my eyes. Oh, wow. Thank you. Police pulled up behind me and asked me to explain why I was on the hard shoulder. What? And then they said, what seems to be the issue, sir? He said, this Parenting Hell podcast

made me laugh too much and I could no longer drive or be safe for other drivers. Oh, my word. He went, yeah, all right, pal. And he wanted to run some checks, took his details and made him do a breathalyser. Amazing.

Amazing. That's so good. He blew clear, no alcohol in the system, and then he got sent on his way. But he blames us solely for this trauma. That's funny, Nick. I love that, Nick. That is amazing.

Thank you. Okay, hi, guys. This is from Julaba. Hi, guys. I just listened to Rob talking about the racket that is the school photos business. And I had to let you know how my kids' school have taken it even further. This is the cost of all the school photos you have to get.

Stupid mugs, you can get one. This year, my youngest has started reception, joining his older brother in the same school. Finally, I thought I can get the sibling photo and pay it out only once for the grandparent photo bundle. His nursery did photos too but now i can get one sibling photo at the school they are both at um i even went so far as to prepare my eldest kid but offer him a bribe um as he usually refuses to be in photos with his brother so the bribe was offered he said yes sent them off to school hoping they could do the

sibling photo all sorted oh. Oh, no. Despite the classes no longer being bubbles, playground mixing is okay, and year six acting as reading buddies to the reception class, we received an email stating they would not be allowing sibling photos because, if you guessed it, COVID. Oh, my word. Come on now. Fuck off.

They're siblings. They're in the same house. Unbelievable. Dirty bastards. Come on now. Fuck off. They're siblings. They're in the same house. Unbelievable. Dirty bastards. That is unbelievable. Scum. Look at them. That's got to be some sort of racket with the photographer in the school.

Yeah, just say because of COVID. Arseholes. Well, we can't put these on our Instagram because it's a photo of a friend's child. So I'm going to show you what I, my friend, well, it's Pearl's friend. She had her first school photo, right?

Yeah. So I'm going to show you what she looks like. So you get a feeling for... So we can't put this up to you? No, because it's someone's child. But I just want to hear

your reaction to the school photo. So this is her with Pearl. She's in the pink. So that's what she looks like. She's in the pink, yeah. Oh, a very pretty blonde girl the pink. So that's what she looks like. She's in the pink, yeah. Oh, yeah, very pretty blonde girl. Yeah.

So this is what was returned from the school as her school photo. Oh, fuck off. That's, that's, I mean, that is, just take a second photo. It's unacceptably, it's an unacceptably bad photo of that child. Okay, right. Compare the look of the child. We can't show this because it's your friend and they don't want their child on the internet, which is fair enough.

However, if you have a similar before and after photo, a beautiful photo of your child of what they look like normally and then what the school took and tried to charge you 30 quid for, please send them in if you're happy for us to put them on the instagram page and we'll put the best ones up because that that i think you need to go to some sort of court of human rights for that because you can't that's gonna psychologically damage the kid if that's her school photo because it's like gaslighting her that's she doesn't look like that no she doesn't she doesn't have a double chin at the age of five.

No, it's because she's gone backwards because she's probably felt a bit awkward and her chin's gone down, her teeth have come all out and she's not quite opened her eyes. She's done a smile, which a lot of kids do at this stage. Like, you know that episode of Friends where Chandler can't smile in a photo? Yeah, it's our hostage photo. Right, oh, okay, we've done ages. Should we do small business show? And I'll do these ones on Friday. smile and a photo. Yeah, it's our hostage photo. Right.

Oh, OK, we've done ages. Should we do small business shout out and I'll do these ones on Friday? Oh, and it's a good one on Friday as well, Rob, because it's Paris Fury. Six kids. Yeah, six kids. Paris Fury.

Off the back of Sophie Ellis Baxter. We're doing 11 kids in two episodes. 11 kids in two eps. Right, yeah, we've got Paris Fury on Friday. Here's my small business shout out, Josh. Hi, Rob and Josh. I've been an avid listener since day one i have two kids holly eight and harry 13 and your podcast is hilarious i only wish you made more i own a small local cleaning business and your podcast get me through the day scrubbing kitchens if you could give me a small business

shout out that'd be amazing i started the business three years ago with just myself, but decided to grow it. And since March, 2021, I've taken on six part-time employees. Well done. Congratulations. That's amazing. I love stories like that. Going out on your own, taking a risk for it,

paying off. We are called shiny and new cleaning services. And we are based in Bolton. We do house cleaning, office cleaning, and pretty much any premises cleaning. Our website is www.shinyandnewcleaningservices.com if i can give you some advice get an instagram page up do before and after oven cleaning

hob cleaning toilet cleaning whatever is your cleaning that's dirty well show it dirty show it's clean so people can see you working because people go oh i live in bolton i've got a great cleaner what are they called shiny a new cleaning service this is their instagram they'll find you on it and they'll book you through it so do that i promise you it will help um josh hello we are two sisters sam and max and we created a small business in lockdown making handmade vegan non-toxic candles these candles are insane rob they're so good. In beautiful, unique designs. We donate a percentage of our profit each month to a charity supporting women.

It is called Beatrice's Bedroom because that was our band name when we were teenagers. That is at, this is on Instagram, Beatrice's, B-E-A-T-R-I-C-E-S underscore bedroom. That's bedroom. Fair enough. And these are superb looking candles. If you like candles, which I'm not going to lie to you,

you won't be surprised to know my wife does. She loves a candle. She loves a candle. We will be back on Friday with Paris Fury. It's an absolute cracker. It's brilliant, isn't it? Enjoy it. Bye.