Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP4: Ellie Taylor (The Return)

Episode Date: July 23, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP4: Ellie Taylor (The Return)Joining us in the studio this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant comedian, actor, presenter and writer - Ellie Taylor. Since her last appearance on the show Ellie has upped and left London for what she describes as 'the suburbs'....we're not convinced. If you've got deer in your garden and a badger problem, that's got to be the countryside, surely?! Ellie's fantastic new book 'My Child and Other Mistakes: How to ruin your life in the best way possible' is available now wherever you buy your books. We can't recommend it highly enough. Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittaker. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. where none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And Josh? Bud. Widdicombe. Widdicombe.

Yeah, something like that. I think he was better at your name than mine, wasn't he? Widdicombe's a hard surname. It's a difficult one for the two and a half year olds. It is, wasn't he? Whittacombe's a hard surname. It's a difficult one for the two and a half year olds. It is, isn't it? But you know, who was that? Who was that giving it a good old welly? So that was Solomon, son of

Ruth Andrews. I've been a listener since day one. This is my lovely little boy, Solomon, aged two and a half. He gets Rob's name spot on. Has a bit of trouble with Whittacombe. Your fault for having an awkward surname Josh anyway cheers keep up the fab work Ruth Solomon

what is that for sure Sol Sol Campbell or Solly Sol I think you'd end up calling Sol and a name can really change on your accent can't it yeah I mean some of the names like Chelsea

I remember a girl being called Chelsea at my school Chels can really change on your accent, can't it? Yeah. I mean, some of the names, like Chelsea, I remember a girl being called Chelsea at my school. Chels! Chels! It's hard when it's a football team or like Mercedes.

What were the big names at your school when you were growing up, Rob? A lot of Jacks. A lot of Jacks. A lot of Jacks. I went to school with a kid called Lawrence

and we just called him Logs or Logo. Why do you call him Logs? I don't know. We've always called him Logs for Lawrence. So it's not like a nickname, it's just short short for laurence logs i don't know if it is or not but logs yeah shout out to logo if you listen did you have many nicknames at your school we didn't really do that many nicknames i was called becks until david beckham existed oh and then no one

could give me that um no no real nicknames really apart from just like i think i mentioned before you and lou could be posh and becks couldn't you posh and becks yes we could i have i not thought of that joke before i've thought of that before rob there we go falling apart i've got nothing left um josh how are you times i'm excited there's a date in the diary for the big school dad's night out oh lock up your daughters oh kind of that's a weird thing to say really weird thing to say especially when you're talking about your children yeah that genuinely is the worst sentence i could have said yeah for the school dad's night out the school dad's night out that is the worst you know the worst thing you could have said but you didn't mean it so we'll just go over that

um but like lock up lock up your bloody pint taps yeah too right lock up your beer fridges the pint tap yeah are they called fonts no what pint are they called a tap it's a tap isn't it yeah it's a tap it's a draft

yeah it's a tap what you got on draft that is what I've missed saying on a Spanish holiday yeah what you got on draft that is

that is the best sentence of a holiday Australia that is the most exciting part of a holiday I've really been craving a proper holiday, Josh, because we've not allowed them, are we? Because normally, I don't know about you,

I go somewhere, I try and pretend I'm cultured and I want to visit places, but I normally find the bar I like and go there every night. That's kind of what I do. And that first day, when you sit down in the sun, you've just got there from the airport, maybe you're still in your travelling clothes, and you sit down, you don't know what they've got on draft yet and you go what you got on draft and then you

have whatever they've got on draft you're so excited because you you panic if they say john smith's but if they say the local estrella you're absolutely hard i want to be hard for a pint in the sun josh i'm very aware that i've been speaking about not drinking in the last episode could you just describe also the experience of having a pint i enjoyed that so much yeah just describe the feeling of having a pint in the airport it's a feeling right okay so you've got you've got off you've got in the hire car or the coach or whatever to your hotel or your apartment or your villa whatever and then you dump your bags you've either gone straight out or you've had a shower i'd say like we've had a shower you've got there we've jumped in the pool the kids because they're all hot and sweaty and then you go back and have a

quick shower and then you're going out because it's evening time now and you sit down at a bar and have a drink before you go out for dinner and you sit down there and you say what's on draft and you're wearing your brand new flip-flops your your new t-shirt that's out of the packet, and your new shorts. What's on your t-shirt? My t-shirt, it's just a little Adidas one. And I've gone for a white one because it's going to be really hot.

And I don't normally like wearing white in the UK because I've got milky fat tits. But in the holidays, I'm happy to forgive myself. Why not? Go for it, just to be cool, you know? And you sit there and you say, what's on draft? And then they say what's on draft and then they say what's on draft and they bring out a big cold tankard pint glass that's been in a freezer

your hands aren't so you're not actually touching the cold but you're keeping it cold and it's out of a freezer and it all goes cold and that misty on the outside. And the Spanish waiter goes, grande, grande, English, grande. You go, yeah, at this point in time, I fucking love that stereotype. Give me a big frothy bastard pint of beer and I'm going to down it in one. Actually, order me two. I'm down in the first one. I'll sip the second. I'm on fucking holiday.

That's where I'm at, Josh. Oh, mate. Oh, can you imagine it? Oh, God. I hate COVID. And then also, then you sit there and you go, Joe,

what should we just have a picky dinner? The kids like it here. Cause there's a little playground outside the bar. And then what happens is you sit there, they play for ages. You give them some euros to get a little toy out the machine. They keep running backwards and forwards. Then an entertainer turns up and entertains them for an hour,

doing some sort of shit song. You sit there, you get off cut and then you slowly wander over to the play area and that's when you realize you're pissed because you get it in the head by a swing that's the holiday i want and when will you have that 2022 oh fuck those mate well i'm supposed to be going to dubai for a gig in october and yeah that sounds like that's one of the if like, if that's what you're looking forward to, your life is shit. When are you going on holiday with your family?

I'm doing a gig in Dubai. Not the same thing. No, not the same thing. And even then, also, drinking in Dubai is always a bit stressful because it's not allowed, but it is in a hotel, isn't it? A bit panicky.

I've been toying with never drinking again. And I think that's probably quite a good point of view mental health- wise and body wise two pints in on a Friday evening and sat in a bar two pints in and we haven't planned this but you're in the local area

and you just walk in and go Beckett and I'm like do you want a beer and you're like yeah I haven't got my own for an hour imagine that moment sober but two pints in is the greatest moment ever, isn't it? I'm going to say, judging by the last five minutes of this podcast, the not drinking thing, I don't think you're there yet. No, I don't either.

I don't think you've made your peace with it. I haven't. So, yeah, let's just keep the bucket hat. Don't put it in the National Museum yet, the National Football Museum. I don't know where my bucket hat is, actually. I think Lou washed it. I need to find it. Oh, my word.

Anyway, Josh, something's exciting. Tell me about the Dad's Night Out. Dad's Night Out. Because if you did that sober, that would be tough, wouldn't it, Rob? No, exactly.

You've got to have a couple of drinks to meet new people. We're British. We can't just be confident enough to talk to new people. We don't know, can we? Let's have a look. Let me try and find the little group.

Is there a WhatsApp group? Yeah, called Year One Dads. Year One Dads. And, yeah, they've booked tables at the local pub, which is basically the nearest pub to the school, because everyone's obviously local, from 6.30 p.m. Bloody hell. Some people are getting their kids in bed early, aren't they?

Well, no. Their partners will be at home, won't they? Oh, yeah. The mums will be at home, because the mums are going out on another night oh the mums right now they're going out the week before and we're going out the week after oh my word we've got we've got we've got it from 6 30 p.m for the whole night in the outdoor area under the canopy what time you turning up catching up over drinks and dinner dinner bit sounds like they're not boozes are they no that is disappointing isn't it also do

you know the problem with dinner what's the problem with dinner when you turn up rob yeah you the the first three minutes is the most important moment of the night because when you sit down that is where you are now there's no mingling not yet oh yes i don't think we should have booked tables i think it should have just been stood up at a bar chatty vibe because then you can meet us I think so you don't need a sit down dinner you're not Jesus and the disciples come on mate what's the food going to be?

it's just pub fair but what was quite exciting was because a lot of these dads work in office jobs and have been working from home and stuff but they're so much better at admin than me they went okay well and I got emailed a link that was like an availability check and this fucking spreadsheet like svengali when oh everyone's available on this day and we all were because if we put all the information in he basically market researched the dads

and now we're all going on a day that we can all make do you think rob yeah that they're quite excited that you're there considering your career's on the up well i'm a bit worried oh yeah the the uh the rebirth of me considering i wasn't a scrap heap according to that bloke last episode um i i just really hope it's not a uh excel spreadsheet dominated chat because i've got nothing on that. Have they circulated the topics that we discussed in a spreadsheet? I didn't even own a computer or Excel or Word

until I got my book deal. Is that true? Yeah. So how did you email? Off my phone. You didn't own a computer? No. So Lou had a...

I had an old one that didn't work from years ago. But Lou had a laptop which I an old one that didn't work from years ago, but Lou had a laptop, which I used to use if I needed it. Blimey, Rob. I know. It's mad, isn't it? Yeah.

But now I've got four. Do you know what? That'll blow their minds. You should open with that. Mate, I've got all sorts. I've got PowerPoint. I've got Keynote. What is Keynote? Don't know.

I've got OneNote. Don't know. I think you've got more than OneNote, Rob. I think that's unfair on you as a performer. Right, Josh, before we introduce Ellie Taylor, our returning guest who's moved to the countryside, which is quite interesting for more space and as a parenting decision, I think.

I've got a couple more Instagram messages. Do you want them? Hit me up. Okay, here we go. We will get back back to emails but my life is in flux I'm happy to take take Instagrams on for a couple of weeks while you survive for a child of acid refluxing um here we go but but right love the podcast completely relatable for parents this one I don't know if they want us to know who this is another anonymous when we went back to home schooling and they started doing Zoom lessons, I hadn't realised the kids had not muted it,

which all parents, teachers and kids can hear. Well, I had a busy morning. The kids had been fed and I got the last bourbon biscuit out of the packet and was looking forward to dipping it in my tea. So bleak. I put it on the table and went to get my tea and my French bulldog ate my biscuit oh my god sleep deprived and starving i lost my shit absolutely lost my shit rightfully or wrongfully

i shouted at the top of my voice and called the dog a greedy fat my kids my kids looked at me in shock and shortly after a whole school was emailed a polite reminder that everyone can hear what people are saying in their house no the only thing that made me feel better was i was talking to the dog and not the kids but none of them know that god none of them know that none of them know that they think it's for the kids they thought they were talking to the kids they thought that's no greedy fat i can really feel that it's a real energetic delivery as well that bourbon as well not even one of the good biscuits i know but that's all she had that is all she had alive That is all she had. Oh, man, alive.

Oh, here's a good one. This is about surprise pregnancy, right? This is a good one, Josh. On your subject of undiagnosed pregnancies, a girl I knew was suffering from suspected appendicitis symptoms. She was 16 going on 17 and with a steady boyfriend. He took her to hospital and they both got the surprise of their life when they were told she was in labour.

The pregnancy had gone completely undiagnosed and with missed periods being dismissed by her as stressed from school exams. I think she's in like doing A-levels. Whilst in hospital giving birth to their surprise baby, the girl's older sister, who was pregnant, which was planned, came... Oh God, is that the burglar alarm going in? Oh my God, that's the guy putting the locks on the windows, Rob. Okay, I'll be quick. Could I just say also, by the way, to burglars, we're recording this Friday one.

When we're recording Tuesday one, he hasn't been doing that job for three days. I've never had to do an appeal to burglars before. No. Oh, God, he's really got... Was he breaking in or breaking out, the geezer? Has he locked him in? How could this alarm?

Maybe it's the fact that the burglars can no longer get in now. Those burglars trying to break in. Those burglars trying to get out. Try your best, guys. We've got locks now. You fucking losers. Anyway, so... Bring it on.

Anyway, this woman who did... This girl who didn't know she was pregnant had the baby, but on the exact same day, the girl's older sister... The girl's... The girl's older sister came in, who was due to give birth, and the two sisters gave birth to their babies on the exact same day, and they both had girls. What are the odds? That is insane. Right, needless to say, they were in shock. Lovely podcast.

Imagine! That is so mad. Yeah. What about Stealing Thunder? I know. That's like proposing at someone's wedding, isn't it? I know. Oh, my God.

Anyway, Josh, I think we should wrap this up before your burglar alarm goes in again. Oh, yeah. I'll just say, before we wrap up, that the older sister's going to be livid because her babysitting opportunities have been halved instantly. Oh, God, that is brutal.

You know, that does cause sibling rivalry. Exactly. Exactly. Right, Josh, we've got Ellie Taylor. She's moved to the countryside in Essex from cool London. Love Ellie Taylor. Also got, I'd say, the best discussion we've ever had about post-Caesarean shit. Oh yeah. If you've had a baby and you're struggling with a big shit, this is the podcast for you.

And if you're not, it's still pretty good. I wouldn't say rule yourself out if you're not waiting for a shit after giving birth. That really does narrow our audience. But it really was a learning experience for me and Rob, which I think we all enjoyed. Yeah. Enjoy, guys. Ellie Taylor. Hello. Hello. The return of Ellie Taylor.

The return. She's back. Country squire, Ellie Taylor. Well, yes, we always invite guests back. There's been a big change. Normally it's another child, but you've gone a different route, haven't you, Ellie? I keep hearing you say that I've moved to the country. You've moved to the country. We can tell by your internet reception. Oh, well, that is quite shit. But no, I'm not.

I'm really not. I mean, I'm properly in the burbs, man. I'm in the burbs. So what zone of, are you in London still? No. Well, very. The burbs of what then? I'm on an oyster, just about.

But in Essex. I'm in Essex, right on the front. So what zone? Oh, I think it's like nine. What's the point? What is the point? Rob, your zone five suddenly feels really central. God, I'm getting so stressed out in like midtown Manhattan where I live,

in zone five. We yell at cabs everywhere and hot dog stands. So last time we spoke to you, Ellie, you lived down the road from me to the point where you were once I mean we used to often see each other in the park we did and you used to get cocktails delivered door to door on some little mustache man's bike was that you was getting locked down yeah that was it oh yeah and I advised Josh to get some and then he nearly died because they were so strong yeah that was it that was correct I couldn't deal with them. So you move from the east end of London,

all the cool hip happening place, to full-on burbs. I think you are in the countryside and you're in denial and you're clinging on to the burbs. Well, it's a bit of both, but I did see a deer in the garden the other day. That is not the suburbs.

Come on, mate. That's the rule. You can't see a deer. Let's try at Centre Parcs, right? That That is not the suburbs. Come on, come on. That's the rule. You can't see a deer. Let's try at centre parks, right? That can't be the suburbs if you've got deer. It is.

It's kind of a weird mix. It's like I can see a deer but I can also get a pizza express within about seven minutes. It's, I'm walking a weird line here. Yeah.

I think that's just the future, isn't it? I want a Romana whilst looking at wildlife. What did you, what did you do when you saw a deer? Filmed it, obviously. Immediately.

A little movie. Townie. And we've seen a badger as well. We've got quite a lot of badgers. We've got a real badger problem, if I'm honest, in the back garden. What's the badger problem? Well, every night they just come in and have a party and they like snuffle up your lawn and they turn it all over.

It's like the soma. You can't get rid of them no you can't it's all loud no it turns up big time guitar solos in your garden until you leave them alone yeah they're a real issue around here so you know it's not it's not all the fun and games in the countryside no of course of course what what made you make the move um i think being in lockdown in our um little place in london we just wanted some more space for the kid um because you've still just got one haven't we just got one how old now she's two and a half she's two and a half i'm still young yeah still little and the people next door on one side were hausher and they smoked a lot of weed so oh it's such oh so awkward so it was so awkward um yeah and it would just yeah there was a lot of that there was a lot of like

i don't know it's a really fun area but it was a bit sort of dicey in places so it was time i take exception to this description of it thank you very much ellie uh no excuse me josh you lived in the nice bit that's why I lived in the shitty bit well yeah that is that is true you know oh it's Josh is a nice bit oh it's a lovely bit where Josh lives really good I don't think come on when you're from London who lives who Tommy Walsh from Ground Force I bet he bought it with about 10 10 grand a house i think sharon horgan lives quite near you josh she does yeah oh god this actually stinks of the guardian the little media liberal elite all just snuffling around with tommy walsh having a pint in the pot and arsehole with the

the problem is i've worked on columbia road flower market so i remember it just being horrendous around there that was like 20 years ago i worked at the market oh my god how old am I I just said I worked at market 20 years ago oh my god sorry anyway but it's not ideal for kids is it that's what we're getting yeah even but this is awkward now because Josh still lives there yeah but it's interesting because it's making weed I don't think so um Walsh, when he went on Celebrity Fit Club, he revealed that he drank a pint of Baileys a day. What a man. Oh my gosh.

Every day, at Christmas, I'd let you off. No, every day. Every day. Pint of Baileys. Ends the day with a pint of Baileys. Do you think he pours it into a pint glass? Or just has loads of little ones? Yeah, loads of little ones.

He's got to have loads of little ones, hasn't he? It's too bleak to pour into the pint glasses. You need a lot of ice as well then because you don't want to warm Bailey's. No. No, no, exactly. So, no, it's interesting because it's a conversation that me and my wife continually have because we love the area. But would we stay, you know, and when would we go, et cetera? So it's interesting to talk to someone

who's had the same experience yeah i do really miss it though to be honest i really miss being in town it doesn't take that long to get in it takes about half an hour on the train to get in but um yeah i just miss i miss i miss like walking around and just being part of london and being like oh my god i feel so alive and vibrant. And it's just really suburbs here. It's quite towwy. Like from my house, I can leave my house and I can walk past maybe five, six, seven places to get Botox and fillers.

Like genuinely. It's more convenient for me to get Botox than it is to buy a loaf of bread. Like it's mad. It's mad times around here. So it's so different. So like, what I would give to see a man with a little like, you know, selling me some kombucha with a little top knot.

Like, there's no hipsters around here. Oh, come on, you don't want, that's the worst bit of it, isn't it? No, I want it. I crave a hipster so bad. I really do. Did you know you'd miss that? Did I know I'd miss that? I don't, I don't know.

I hadn't really, I just didn't think it would be this sort of so different it's quite a culture shift kind of in a really weird way I'd moved um to zone five it's only Bromley so it's still it's not like miles away in the countryside but you do notice the quality of like restaurants drops off yeah compared to when you're in you guys were properly in town like right where it was all sort of happening and stuff. So then after a while, you do just want a piece of your express and go to bed. Yeah. I'm sort of bored of trying new things.

I know it's bad. Are you done, Rob? I think I'm done. Have you tried everything you want to do? Yeah. I was talking to my mate the other day. He went, oh, I've just had some really lovely Ethiopian food. And I was just like, I just don't think I can get in a headspace

to try that. Just because I just think I don't know what it is I've not had it before it's all I'm probably gonna order it wrong it's a lot of work that goes into it where even though you know a pizza express pizza isn't the best in the world but you know what you're gonna get oh what you get is so true consistency yeah and we were like we were looking at other places properly more in the in the sort of country where it sounds so shallow but there were places where you couldn't get Deliveroo and we were like it's an absolute no we're not we're not yeah we can't go back we can't go to a time where there isn't Deliveroo did you turn up at the house to view it and then turn the Deliveroo on to I did afterwards yeah I checked on all the places to see what what we could get and if they weren't if there wasn't

if they weren't on there I I even I think i emailed i messaged deliveroo and said are you going to be moving into this area oh my god oh my god ellie that is a desperate experience oh my god it is isn't it but it's fine and what about ubers can you get ubers where you are it's all fine for uber and stuff it's a bit of a wait for an u, but if you're lucky. Oh, what are we looking at? What are we looking at? Well, I mean, if I look now, I imagine there's probably one car and it will be maybe 15 minutes away.

Let's all do that now. Let's all do it now. And then we can work out how far everyone is away from things. Right? So 15 minutes is a long wait, isn't it? It does seem a long wait. Do you know, I can't even remember where Uber is on my phone because I just haven't used it for so long.

You just phone a taxi firm. Old you know, I can't even remember where Uber is on my phone because I just haven't used it for so long. You just phone a taxi firm. Old school. If I got an Uber now, it'd take five minutes. It's five minutes away. Five minutes away. I'm disappointed in that. That is bad for you. I'm four minutes. You want to move to zone five. I need to move to zone five. I'm on four mins, mate.

What's going on? There's not even a car. There's not even a car. Oh God, I'm on four mins, mate. What's going on? There's not even a car. Not even a car. Oh, God, I'm stranded. Just go on deer back. Just jump on a deer. Not even a car. You're stranded.

Oh, wow. The one Uber. He's doing a job. That's like, you know, going to a cottage in the countryside where you ring up to book and it's just one cab driver and they go i can't do that job so i'll pick mark up at nine i think i've still got saved in my phone from so many weddings in random places it'll be like john taxi hera yeah yeah because you have to book it about three weeks in advance. But obviously for you and your partner, it's not ideal on that kind of thing. But is it better for your daughter?

Yes. Is there more to do? Is she enjoying the garden and stuff like that? Yeah, she loves the garden. A bit more hyper without the weed, is she? Yeah, it's a bit annoying, really. She's eating less, though. She just can't get through the Pringles um no she actually loves it she goes now to a uh forest school which is great so um it's proper

in the middle of a forest uh we have to drive down like it's like a five minute drive through the forest to get there so proper potholes it of suburbsy stuff isn't it that five minute drive for a forest oh five minute drive um but then she comes home covered in mud um so she's delighted with that she loves having more space to run around seeing her grandparents more all that kind of stuff so yeah nursery and schools are they better where you are now than we were were before? Well, I don't know, really. We'll see about schools. It's not as clear cut. So I don't need to worry about that for another year or so. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know when you look into these things. I just follow my friend who has a kid the same age. So whatever she does, I follow her. Well, I think we've skipped over, Ellie. I think you've hinted at the real reason for your move. When you said she sees her grandparents a lot, are we talking a move to increase babysitting opportunities?

Is that what we're looking at here? I would say that was 80% of the reason that we moved. Yes. It's joyful. I'm going to tell you that. It's the best thing you've ever done. Yeah. It's great.

It's better to have 50 average nights out a year than one really good one and when they're around the corner just dump them and run away and then they love it and then but there'll be a stage though because you use them loads they'll be a bit like god okay can we we did have them last weekend and stuff like that and you go okay yeah don't worry and then basically give them the cold shoulder for a bit and then they come crawling back well do you know we moved at an interesting time so we moved like a few weeks after my sister and her family who also lived in this area they've emigrated to australia so so oh so they left they've left yeah they must my mom and dad have

like lost two grandchildren like they just don't have access to them anymore because they're locked in australia so we're the only we're the only grandchild so we now get a hundred percent of the grandparents which is amazing that because that is a thing that is a real like if you've got from a large family you've got loads of kids like it does it does cause a bit of conflict between the siblings if one put you know kids getting more babysitting time than the other so that is you've absolutely nailed that you're complete monopoly i mean obviously devastated that my sister's gone yada yada, but brilliant. My wife had always three.

They had her for two nights the other weekend. We went, we went for a long weekend to Soho Farmhouse. What a bunch of twats. Oh yeah, Sharon Organ and Tommy Walsher.

Yeah, they were there. They were the East London lot. Got there and they said, you said, can I have a Bailey's? They said,

we've sold out. Tommy's been here. he's beaten me to it do you know who the first person I saw in Soho Farmhouse was riding past me on a bike Simon Cowell really

on a bike with his history and he was delighted was he wearing a life jacket like he does on his jet skis I've only ever seen him on a down jet ski I didn't know he did

have a holiday no yeah just knocking around he was having a lovely time was he worried he was going to get his boot cut jeans his jet skis. I've only ever seen him on holiday on jet skis. I didn't know he did have holidays. Yeah, just knocking around. He was having a lovely time. Was he worried he was going to get his boot cut jeans caught in the spokes? Imagine if he had little ankle clips on. No, I didn't look at his leg wear. Damn it! So you are

getting full... So that's two nights away from your child. Is that the longest you've ever spent away from her? No, I've ditched her for two weeks once for work when she was quite little. Yeah, that was lovely. Great. Wow. What work was it?

I was filming something in Bulgaria. I was filming plebs in Bulgaria. Oh, so a proper acting job. Oh, how was that though? Leaving her for two weeks? I was fine. I've never, ever had a problem with leaving her. Ever.

I think embrace that as well. Also you know also but I think as well it's more difficult if you're if your um kids don't see the grandparents or other family members very often and then you leave them that's awkward and because they're they don't know what's going on but they're so happy my kids at both sets of grandparents you can just leave them with them and they're happy and they don't care so you know there's not that that worry absolutely yeah you know they're just going to be spoiled and that yeah they're fine so yeah i've on it i've never ever i've always gone a bit weird for like just being like ladies and running off never been bothered no i think it's good i think you're refreshingly honest that's what i think you are okay few thanks i tried to because you have done a two-week holiday

but because it was work it made it easier no i don't think i'd i think that would be a bit a bit much i think five nights max if you're going to go away on holiday with your kid but like we me and lou do that where i'll have the kids and she goes away she looks like miami friends for five nights and she found that a little bit too long but i i don't think i could leave them like both of us go i don't mind if i go away with my mates because i went to watch the boxing and stuff for a few nights and she had them but yeah I don't think we could both leave them I think no I think I'd feel I think I'd feel bad especially now because they've got more grown up it's when it's different they're a baby but now like they're like my little mates I want I want to be on holiday with them you

know are they good fun how old are yours now Rob are they good five and three oh so is that that to me sounds like they're good fun on holidays yeah it is obviously they have their little strops and stuff but we haven't really done to be fair though the last holiday we did was like before lockdown when where the youngest was a little bit small still so it's a bit like oh is she gonna trip or whatever and that kind of stuff all the time but now when we can go on holiday like i cannot wait because they're gonna be just it'd be brilliant to like sitting on the beach and running around and playing so yeah they're like your little pals at this age yeah that we just came back from cornwall we went for a week with my parents and i have to say so we'll be living in in the same house as my parents um i think four adults

to one child is the perfect ratio i think it's the only humane ratio that exists yeah four to one and i just i you can totally see the benefit of multi-generational households why don't we all do it it's fantastic no one got bored of her because she was just running around like talking to different people yeah yeah yeah but then you've got actually lived yeah so it was your parents it was my parents yeah my husband how does he get on with oh he gets on he gets on well with him um yeah it gets on well with him i've spent he does no he does no it really sounds like he doesn't but it's good child care he yeah it's good child care he does but he's aussie and he's not into sport. So my dad loves sport.

To the point where you said it like you'd never even heard the word. Sport. Sport. Is it called sport? Running, jumping, kicky things. So we watched a lot of football, obviously, while we were away. And there's also Wimbledon on. So that was quite interesting to sort of see him navigate that.

Oh, that's good. So can I ask, we were recording this the day after England have swatted away Denmark in the semi-finals. Did you watch that? We did actually. My parents came around and we all got quite into it. I think dad was just annoyed because me and my mum have no knowledge but a lot of opinions.

I can't deal with that. I'm a bit like 1950s when it comes to the football, you know, sort of like an archaic attitude. I'm like, if you don't know about the football, I can't watch it with you. Back off. Get out of my house. I had to text my friends to apologise this morning because I told them off during the game for not taking it seriously.

Oh, did you? Yeah. I'm on your side, Josh. I can't watch a normal game, yeah, but the quarterfinals or the semifinals of the Euros, I can't have someone go, oh, well, do they normally wear red shorts and a red top? Who gives a fuck?

Oh, yeah, that's me. Oh, I had such a long conversation about what the, oh, how does the ref know what to wear? So he must have to decide after the other team. Oh, no, Elliot, I'd walk out. And then I talk about the advertising boards. Oh, get into that. It's so out. And then I'd talk about the advertising boards. Oh, getting to that is so interesting.

But they were playing in Rome. I was like, oh, the Italians won't know what Just Eat is. But it turns out they have Just Eat in Italia. In Italia? In Italy.

Oh, sorry. But you know what they do, which is really, it's off the point of parenting, but, you know, advertising boards, they've got this technology so that that's one, that's one lot of footage, but they change what's on the point of parenting, but, you know, advertising boards, they've got this technology so that that's one lot of footage,

but they change what's on the advertising board for the different countries. Yeah, I saw that. It blew my mind. So it's like a weird computer thing, and it just blew my mind. So they just change the advertising board for different countries and languages. This is why we're such a popular podcast, Rob. This is what we're doing that no one else is. I'm happy that I made the record time.

I was already five minutes late. I've got a croaky voice and I'm still pissed. So I'm just enjoying the chat, guys. So does your daughter notice the difference in her life now, Ellie? I don't know. She is genuinely more happy, I think. I think it's really beneficial to her being uh closer to my parents to have that you know there's extra grown-ups in their life i think it really makes them feel secure it makes your life easier and then it's

more if it's if you've got more flexibility then you're more chilled rather than stressing about getting to and from child care yeah yeah yeah so yeah it's i'm glad we've done it but we're still sort of getting used to it all you know and hashtag badgers so we'll get there we'll get there we'll get there they're quick as well are they are they yeah they can move my mate got chased by one he said he's never been most petrified in his life because he didn't know what it was and he just and they went he's like and he just saw this thing and they're quite like bulky and really fast and he just gives himself a run away. And then he was like, but on paper,

you wouldn't think you'd be scared of a badger. Badger, no. But they are, they're lumpy old things. They've got claws as well, haven't they, badgers? They're really clawy. It's like a stripy wombat, isn't it? So Ellie, you've written a book about about what period of parenting does it cover yes well the whole all of it all of it made all of it yeah so the book's called my child and other mistakes

so it has a great title i know but it does have to sell well so i can afford the therapy my child will need when she can read you know what it's a similar situation to us here, isn't it, Rob? What's that? Well, there's a slight kind of, do you go, oh, is the title kind of saying that parenting's tough and I don't enjoy it kind of thing? Is that going to be problematic when my child's older? Oh, no, fuck off.

It'll be fine. Do you know what? I'll go, yeah, right, I have a problem with me. And then as soon as I have a kid, I'll go, told you. Now you understand. It is hell, but, you know, i'll go yeah i have a problem with me and then as soon as i have a kid i'll go told you now yeah it is hell but you know life is hell we just navigate through it i mean that's basically it and the subtitle of it is how to ruin your life in the best way possible see so there's positivity in there yeah yeah so yeah it's about about sort of deciding to have a kid when I didn't really like children, getting pregnant, pregnancy, birth, newborn and life after. So it's like the whole thing.

And it's kind of it's basically the book I wish I could have read when I was pregnant or thinking about having kids. Oh, that's good. Because was you not sort of like you're not really that maternal? You're not bothered about having kids? No. Or did you always want them? No, didn't always want them.

Wasn't sure. Kind of, I basically decided to have them because I didn't, I couldn't imagine dying not being a mum. Bleak. Whoa. Right? That is. Isn't it?

It's bleak. But I think that's an interesting kind of way to go into it go it's one feeling that well this is a thing I kind of almost have to do yeah

yeah yeah but that's quite if you use that for all all things you could get in a lot of trouble with that you know like if I don't want to be the guy

that died and didn't eat that pizza because I really want to eat that pizza I don't want to be that guy that you know you sort of you could put it about everything

yeah well it's the same reason I've been to like I went on the London pizza. I don't want to be that guy that, you know, you can put it about everything. Yeah. Well, it's the same reason I've been to, like, I went on the London Eye because I felt I had to. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know what? I've stopped doing going up stuff to look down.

I went up the Burj, you know, the biggest building in the world in Dubai. And I got up there and it's just the floor, but further away, isn't it? It's terrible. Oh, God. Yeah. I mean mean maybe i should have thought more more carefully about my uh sort of philosophy i don't think no i think it's true that's if that's how you fell well no you know it does give your i think because like you sort of think oh you know if i didn't have kids we could have done this could have done that but then all the things what we've done from

having kids and then it is a pain in the ass it's a pain in the ass but there's some amazing moments you know and stuff which make it all worthwhile it's sort of it's almost like following the England football team isn't it

you just sort of think what is the point of this and then one semi-final and you're like yes please it was worth it oh my god no I don't

me and my friends we had a chat the other day we were like we love our children but sometimes it is like but why do people have children because it's awful like yeah but what we just follow we just like lemmings and

we've just done it because everyone else does it but really it is quite awful a lot of the time yeah yeah i think that's fair i think there's but it's at the worst moments when you find yourself thinking about your friends that don't have children and what they're up to oh yeah yeah no but no but but what i'd say is though you guys uh like are in the um like that you've got a newborn basically josh and she's still only two and a half but like now five and three like i've been out on the smash at the football last two and three weeks lou don't give a shit and then she'll go out of her mates it's sort of like it's so much more manageable when they get that bit older you do get that freedom back so it's only I'd say two it's only three years of your life you'll lose and then you can

enjoy yourself again I mean I say all that I mean obviously she's joyous and she's actually talking now and stuff and she's so funny and I I'm loving this bit way more than the newborn stuff so it does feel like this definitely feels like there's way more sunshine than there has been um but yeah it was I just wanted yeah I wanted to write a book about the whole sort of experience and it is it's very honest and um I talk very very candidly about how how hard I found the newborn stuff which I was awful um but yeah and I and I'm really glad with how it's come out. I should fess up that I've read your book, Ellie, and I loved it. You sent it to me, didn't you?

You did. As a PDF, which isn't a nice way to read a book. It's really not. It was an awful ask, so thank you for that. Yeah. And it's brilliantly written and it's really great. There's a really great bit about kind of um you wanted to do live at the Apollo you did live at the Apollo uh very very kind of noticeably pregnant and you thought that that was

kind of an important thing to do didn't you yeah I just I loved like being pregnant and gigging was my favorite time of being a comic because I just I just felt so and strap in for a cliche, empowered, but I really did like to be like this massive wall of woman and just so visibly pregnant. And I think pregnant women are funny as well. Like to look at, ridiculous, like absolute clowns. I'm glad you said it, but it's so mental having a baby in your belly. It's weird. It's so weird.

You are the punchline. You are the banana skin being slipped on like to look at so to be up there visually funny um and i also wore like a like a really tight dress really short massive heels i just looked like i was i was an image right like you'd notice me sort of thing and to be in a position of power where you're on stage where you know you're commanding an audience i just, I just think you so rarely see a pregnant woman, women anyway, but a pregnant woman in that sort of elevated status. And I just loved it.

I just absolutely loved it. I really, I just really enjoyed it. It felt really powerful. And it was, yeah, my favourite period of being a comic. Also, it's great for BBC's diversity because there were two women on stage at once. Yeah. I was absolutely loving that we're the

new mel and sue um yeah it's quite exciting though to go like you were on stage with me inside me i know when i did the when i did the gig my little sidekick yeah it's wicked i can't wait to show her um yeah she'll she'll hate it all i'm sure did you have loads of material about being pregnant and then when you gigged again afterwards you're, this is really annoying now I'm not pregnant, that I've lost a load of material. Yeah, but then I just got a circular cushion, shoved it up there in a way. Yeah, it was a bit, it was quite annoying because I had loads.

It's just free ends. Obviously, it's so ripe for material as well. So it's a bit annoying. Might have to get up the duff just to use some of that again. People have done a lot there. There's a lot more to get an old bit going. Did you write it as you went because i struggle to remember stuff do you know what i mean like from that first period it's it's really like really blurry and people it's like the cliche isn't it if you don't really remember that first those few months you blank them out so

did you know you were writing this as you were going through no I think um I actually I found it really cathartic writing about the birth and the newborn bit actually because I don't know it sort of ordered my thoughts and it made me really think about it and reflect on how it was and I've said to my friends I was like you all need to do it just write down what happened and how you felt because it yeah it's just sort of I don't know sort of cleared things up for me now and I'm like that was my experience and i can sort of put it in a box um yeah uh so yeah i really i really enjoyed writing about the newborn bit even though it was quite bleak and i think i think in hindsight i probably had some postnatal

depression but even through that there's so many like i remember last time i came when i spoke to you about the ridiculous um lactation expert that made me pretend to breastfeed a puppet of elmo yeah yeah so that i mean that stuff happened i mean there's the lovely horrific story about um about me taking my first poo after i've had a kid which is oh yeah because that's quite a big deal isn't it yeah this is the experience i mean blokes have, dads have their own experience, but women, it's a different kettle of fish. It was, yeah, more traumatic than the birth, I'll be honest. But the equivalent of that is if you've been out on a bender

on a stag do and you've just been drinking grosh and you have to have a shit, that's as close as men can get to it. For you, it must have been a much more horrific experience. That, but also recovering from major surgery and having a child breastfeeding the whole time. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

At the same time. So you did a poo breastfeeding? I felt, yeah, in a way, I feel quite proud of that. That's too much stuff going in and out, isn't it? It was a confusing time. But I was like, I feel really proud. She never broke latch. Never broke latch.

Oh, wow. Even afterwards, when I had a lot of drugs going through my system after a cesarean, your digestive system goes a bit sluggish anyway when you've had a baby. So it was like a few days and I'd been warned that it's going to be a full on experience. So I basically had to hypnobirth this giant shit out. And then I was like, oh, thank God it's out. And I was like sweating. And oh my God, the relief.

Oh my God, it's all done. Baby's still on my boob. Baby's on my boob. Flush the loo. It didn't go down. Oh no. And at this point, me and my husband still have the kind of relationship where we don't talk about poo. Like that's the one sort of mystique bit that we still have.

Not anymore. That's ruined. I love the mystique. Mystique. We can't talk about poo. That's the one sort of mystique bit that we still have. Not anymore, that's ruined. A lovely mystique. Mystique. We can't all go and keep it sexy. Keep it sexy, right? So I didn't want to be like, hey, can you come and help me shift this giant shit?

So I decided when I was like, I was like five days after giving birth, I barely slept, just off. I'm just sort of unhinged. What I decided to do, the most reasonable thing, is while my child's still feeding, I find a little hotel cap um put it over my hand and i bend down with my still breastfeeding you're breastfeeding the whole time still breastfeeding and i physically break up my own poo in a physical movement uh and then finally flush it down and i stood back up everything was

fine baby did not break latch. Thank you very much. Oh, thank you very much. Unbelievable. I'm a hero. Thank you. Also, I would like to mention the mystique in your relationship. I'd argue that, sure, you didn't ask him to break up your poo, but you have told it on a podcast and in a book.

So surely he will hear about this. Oh, now he will. I'd say that mystique is gone, isn't it? It's well and truly gone by now. But at that point, it was still intact. But yeah, I think the first time he heard about it was reading the book. So lovely little treat for him. Oh, wow.

Would you say that was your lowest moment then? I mean... It's got to be. It's got to be, hasn't it? It was one of them. Yeah. You can't get lower than a U-bend. Literally, you come back up again.

Can I ask what happened to the shower cap? Oh, that's R.I.P. R.I.P. Although I met a lady who'd also had a caes that's R.I.P. Got to be. Although I met a lady who'd also had a caesarean and a traumatic first poo. She also blocked the loo. She decided to put her poo in a plastic bag, which she then wrapped in more plastic bags, like an awful pass the parcel.

Oh, no. And then she gave it to her husband and said, just put this in the outside bin. Don't ask me what it is. Oh, wow. And he did it. I've done that before. He did it. Street bin. You know you've had a bad one using a street bin not even your own side bin in the street one by a bus stop but so so is that because basically is that all cesarean births then going to the toilet or is it just all after birth i think all births in general but i think cesareans

there's more drugs in your system so is it always basically constipation it's just a big one to get out it's constipation yeah and it's just your whole system's like just been so traumatized and had the most you know yeah dramatic few days so everything's sort of slowed down um so yeah i mean that's yeah it's just not working at its full capacity because you've basically been through trauma hasn't it exactly giving birth but you just don't get... What there needs to be is some moon pig cards saying, well done on your first shit. Because you get a lot for the baby. Yeah. That should be the push

present. Exactly. Also, would you recommend maybe some stool softeners after giving birth to help? I think in my case... Let's get Dr. Hillary on this. Just like a saw or something would have helped things happen. It's like that scene in Shallow Grave where they have to break up the body.

Yeah. It's a bit like World's Strongest Man, you know, when they're pulling a plane along with a rope. Just pull the belly, get rid of this. Oh, well, it won't. But that's the thing. It's good, though, to talk about that kind of stuff because I didn't even know that was a thing. And there'll be other people that have gone through that and go, oh, God, you know, and they've had to break up.

I would hate to talk out of turn about my wife with all the mystique, et cetera. But the first child, she had an Ellie Taylor style, you know. Issue. And then the second time, it was such a big thing that she knew this was coming. And then it was all right. And it was like she'd won the lottery.

Do you know what I mean? Like, the second time was fine. And she was like, it was like the biggest weight off her shoulders I've ever. Oh, I'm so pleased. But can I just also say, can we not make saying, like, it's an Ellie Taylor thing, like, I don't want that to be. Oh, sorry, sorry. You guys coined it. The casual, oh, it's it's Lily Taylor a massive shit

let me find that and ask Lou Lou how's your shit after the baby no she's just shaking her head she doesn't engage Ellie did you have an Ellie Taylor or was it alright did you have an Ellie Taylor or a Rose

second one oh dear an Ellie Taylor or a Rose second one? Oh, dear. An Ellie Taylor. Oh, dear. Ellie, what I was going to say, is there anything else people should know about the change from city to suburbs country life with kids? Any tips you could give someone? Do you think it's a good thing to do?

Go back on that subject? Yeah, why not? Yeah, I think you can never regret space. I think that's a good thing to do? I mean... Go back on that subject. Yeah, why not? Yeah, I think you can never regret space. I think that's the thing for a kid. But also, they don't know the opposite. So if they haven't got space, do you know what I mean? It doesn't matter. They don't know what they're missing out on.

Without being crass, could you describe the size of your house in London and the size of your equivalent house in the country? Because I remember when Miles Jupp moved from peckham to monmouth he basically moved from a small flat into a mansion at the same price have you had that kind of experience ellie uh it's definitely a lot bigger than the other than the london one like a hundred percent but um yeah did you have a garden in london oh you did because it was for the weed wasn't it yeah? Yeah, the weed one. But it was absolutely tiny. And our garden now is, well, you know, there's room for deer and badgers. So it's definitely, it's a bit of an upgrade.

It certainly is. So yeah, I mean, you do get more for your money, Josh, when you leave. But is the babysitting the best bit? That's pretty good. Yeah, I would say. Yeah, it's free childcare. Being able to just outsource, that's pretty good yeah i would say yeah it's free free child care being able to just outsource that's great so my next question is in in 15 and a half years when your child leaves home

will you maintain your house where it is or will you go i miss i miss the city i don't think you can move back into the city can you i don't know if that's even allowed you can't go there's rules on that pretty patel stood there going no no you made you made your choice i can't imagine going back into london unless i had like some cool little like bachelorette pad somewhere um so if so if you get divorced, basically you're saying. Fingers crossed. So, yeah. If I see you in the playground in Victoria Park, I'm so sorry to hear

that you've split up. I can only presume that. Do you want some top-notch cocktails delivered to your door? Another guy. I think we always end with the same question, don't we, Rob? Yeah, but I don't know if we asked you it last time, because I think you might have come on before it cropped up.

It's basically Crosby's Law, where is there one thing that annoys you about the way your partner does parenting that you haven't told them because it might start a fight, but you think is justified? And if they heard this, they would go, yeah, that is fair. Is there something that frustrates you about your husband his husband husband yeah what annoys me about him what annoys me is that he seems to have the ability to she listens to him way more than she listens to me which i do find quite irritating like i have to call i have to call him in for backup, and I hate that.

I hate that I can't go to sleep. Oh, yeah, that's undermining. It's so undermining. The little pricks is making me like an idiot. I hate that about him. What else do I hate? So give me an example. So she wouldn't go to sleep unless he told her.

Yeah, she's in a funny mood, and then she'll, like, cry and go, Mommy, Mommy, lay down. And I'll end up laying on the floor all night, and he's like, No, I'll sort it out, and goes in. I don't know he's like the baby whisperer whispers or something and then comes out

and she's like ah my work is done oh he's a bit more stern is he yeah I think so she just respects him more I think so what you don't like

about the way he parents is that she she respects him more than you yeah basically I don't like how good he is at parenting what

you sound like the fact he is at parenting. You don't like the fact he's a really good dad? Yeah, God. You really undermine him to you as a mum, that he's good at being a dad. Yeah, it's basically that. What a tool. Yeah.

Well, he sounds dreadful. Hopefully he hears this and he sorts that right out. I'll feed him to the badgers, don't worry. Yeah. I just had a look at what badgers do to a lawn and they really ruin it, don't they? Oh, you can't even imagine, Rob. I'll send you some pics. Yeah, don't worry. Thanks, Ellie.

Is there anything you can do? Do email in, guys, if you've got any badger solutions. No, you don't. You keep them. It's their countryside. We moved into their patch. That's the reality of the lawn. Exactly that.

We share with them. Yeah, exactly. And also, pellet gun. That is a joke. I don't mean that. I do not mean that. Brian, yeah, exactly. And also pellet gun. That is a joke. I don't mean that. I do not mean that. Either that or dynamite. You want to ruin a lawn, mate?

Shut that down, it's set. Right. Thank you so much, Ellie. It was a pleasure to talk to you. When's the book out? 22nd of July. But you can pre-order. You can pre-order.

Ellie, thanks so much. Thanks, guys. Thanks so much so much. Thanks, guys. Thanks so much, Ellie. Bye. Bye. Ellie Taylor. I love Ellie Taylor. She's so nice, isn't she?

Very funny. Good at writing books. Good at comedy. Not as good at parenting as a partner. Not as good at parenting, but, you know, you can't be good at everything, can you? Yeah, exactly. If you've got a massive shit that needs sorting out she'll pop a exactly buy a book or alternatively if you need someone to sort out you ben she'll turn up with a shower cap um that was it's interesting though that i think a lot of

people have you make that decision that's what you you're thinking about at the moment isn't it whether you stay or go somewhere a bit more space i think the way we would just i think what we're doing is uh we've got a nice little local school and if she gets in there then that'll buy us a few more years do you know what i mean oh yeah i get you so if hackney council are listening come on guys chuck us a fucking bone here give us our first choice also on that Hackney Council, could I get some more food waste bags? No badgers, though.

You don't want badgers. Don't want badgers. Absolutely not. Right, we'll be back next week with some more episodes. See you then. Bye.