Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP41: Do you want me to ring my mum?

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

S03 EP41: Do you want me to ring my mum? More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Thanks to everyone who bought tickets for the live show in January - we sold in less than 15 minutes! If you want to be first in line for any potential future live dates, merchandise, and any additional show info then sign up to the mailing list here;parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Behold the DQ Freezer! An extraordinary freezer holding all the Blizzard flavours of the past. It's opening to bring back Rolo and Brownie Batter. Grab them before the DQ Freezer closes. Only at DQ. Happy tastes good. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting,

each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Florence, can you say...

Pops! Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Pops! Josh Widdicombe. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Well done. Esme, can you say Josh Widdicombe?

Josh Widdicombe. Well done. And what about Rob Beckett? Beckett. Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Rob! Come on. And now, Theo, can you say Josh Widdicombe?

It's right there. Well done. And what about Rob Beckett? It's right there. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Well done. Yay!

Right, Rob, I'm going to ask you just some questions. Firstly, do you agree with me they need to get a PCR test? I mean, yeah, they're riddled with COVID. That is an advert for not having three kids. I got bored listening to it. I'm having to go through all of them and keep them happy. Did you find that stressful, mate? Yeah.

That's triplets. Oh, my God. I could sense the energy. Could you imagine, Rob? Oh triplets. Oh, my God. I could sense the energy. Could you imagine, Rob? Oh, just... Oh, my God. And having to go through all of them all the time

so they all felt like they were getting enough attention is exhausting. Fair play, triplets. What's her name, the lady? This is Linda from Somerset.

I'm the guest. Oh, too late. That was going to be a new game, wasn't it? Yeah. I was going to say Basingstoke anyway, so never mind.

Not a million miles. This is Florence. Nothing's a million miles, though, is it really? No. Nothing's ever. How far is it? A million miles. Even Australia's not a million miles, is it?

No. Depends on the route, doesn't it? What is it, 6,000? It's not worth it. This is Florence, Esme and Theo. They are triplets and are turning three in December. We are avid listeners to the podcast and have been meaning to get in touch for a while.

But I imagine you've been quite busy. I am often in stitches listening to the shit you pair get up to. But listening to how Rob is getting on with his new four-legged edition has confirmed to me that now is not the right time to get a dog. No, no.

I wait till they're six five or six six minimum six which is a combined age of 18 yeah um she's done 18 years of parenting already by the my god so congratulations well done linda on getting through it and well done on them it made me edgy listening to it yeah it was it did seem stressful and you know i don't think you need to add a dog into the mix at this stage no do you know what i mean i would what i would say about dogs is yeah dog shit um i think needs a new pr team it's not as bad as you're led to believe oh really yeah i think it's sort of it's almost been like a real sort of hate campaign towards dog shit well actually when it first comes out it's quite hard and don't smell if you're quick

with a bag yeah yeah you've got to get quick with the bag if you're quick with a bag. Yeah, yeah, you've got to get quick with a bag. If you're quick with a bag, and you have to keep it as one critical mass, like one mass. You break that up, you've got to go in, big strong hand, straight in, and if you gobble up a bit of soil or bark or grass with it, you know, that's just part of it. Yeah, exactly. I'd say big handful, get it in there,

don't break it up, whip it shut. Jobs are good and you don't even know you've had shit in your hand. This is like gardeners' world, it's lovely. I'd say human shit's worse from a child would you yeah because it's not it's outside so it doesn't smell in your house does it like and just one quick pick up job done see you later yeah exactly well i'm glad it's all going better i used to live in an area of london yeah that was so rough that um you could see like the dog shit was like worse well basically if you get a nicer food they

do less shits and they smell better yeah so if you get the cheapest food they do loads of shit because there's not much nutrition in the bit it's just sort of a lot of guff so the guff comes out but if it's all neutrally and nutritious then it actually it gets broken down and used as energy so it's less shit and less smelly so if you are living in a rougher area and there's less money to go around for the dog's dinner... Mate, these dogs basically had the shit. It was awful. They were eating their own shit.

Basically, that was their diet. They had to eat their own shit. It just kept them going round. Yeah, I wish they were because it would have got them off the bloody pavement, mate. Am I right? In a vicious cycle. How are you?

You know what? I'm all good. I've had an absolutely insanely busy few weeks of work. You know, this, in our industry, this is a very busy time. Yeah. Because you have lots of, like, tour shows, because they're very popular in autumn. People don't want to go to a theatre in summer.

You've got a lot of, like, award dues and Christmas parties that we host. Yeah. And a lot of any TV stuff sort of gets filmed just before Christmas. We've had our books released. So, like, January for us is dead time, really, isn't it? Do you know what, Rob? Yeah. I've got the first half of January I'm off,

and the second half is an absolute shitstorm of work. What are you doing? But you are getting two weeks off at the beginning almost. Do you know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. I'm not complaining. But do you know what, Rob? Yeah.

I finish on December the 12th this year. That is so early. I know. That's great. I can't believe it. December the 12th, Sunday, December the 12th this year. That is so early. I know. That's great. I can't believe it. December the 12th, Sunday, December the 12th, when we record a show that is live on News Eve for the last leg. Okay, that's your last thing, yeah.

So that's not live. Well, let's not go into that, Rob. You're not there. Let's not go into that, Rob. But you're pretending you're there. You all celebrate it's new. We never say explicitly whether we're there or not, Rob. But it looks like you're there. You all celebrate it's new. We never say explicitly whether we're there

or not, Rob. But it looks like you are. It does look like we are, doesn't it? Hashtag, is that okay? What is your hashtag again? Oh my God,

this is a kick in the fucking jaffers. Nine years? Nine years? Is that the hashtag now? Nine years? Nine years. Is it okay?

Is it okay that you pretend it's New Year's Eve? We don't pretend. You don't pretend. Is it okay that you pretend it's New Year's Eve? We don't pretend. You don't pretend. Is it okay that you record a show on the 12th of December that talks about it being New Year's Eve and you talk about New Year's resolutions

even though you've not had Christmas yet? Is that okay? Hashtag. I tell you, I don't think it is, but I'm fucked if I'm coming back on New Year's Eve. He's off on the 12th, yeah? I'm off on the 12th. We're doing a Christmas special as well.

I'll give you a clue. I'm not spending Christmas Eve at 10pm with Adam and Alex. Well, that's good, then, the 12th, because I think our job's quite a feast of family, isn't it? So I've been working all day, and I've been leaving the house about 8 in the morning, getting home about 1am for the last couple of weeks, five, six days a week.

So it's been quite full on, but then it does go quiet. But I cannot function in the morning with the kids i've been getting up with them lou let me have a line today right but this this is this is what constitutes a lie in now because basically i got in really late last night and i only had this at 10 30 i didn't have to go anywhere so this is what constitutes a lie in basically um i had to get up about half nine um to get ready to record this okay so that is not for without kids, that's not really a line, is it? Yeah. Okay.

And what time did you get up this morning? 4.15. Okay. Well, let's deal with that later. Well, really, Rob, because I've been dealing with it for six and a half hours. But, okay. So for normal people that haven't got an awful life like us, 9.30am is not a lot. If no one who hasn't got kids go, I had a right nice lie in the other day

what time did you get up 9.30 having gone to bed at 1 yeah going to bed at 1am 8 and a half hours is the required amount of sleep well I got in at 1 but then I had to take the dog

out for a shit at 1am in the frost of course which you love to be fair yeah and actually it wasn't that bad because it was really cold the shit almost froze

as it left its body that's the good thing about whippets their body temperatures are so low that also I hate also it's so far off the ground it has freezing time before it hits as it left its body. That's the good thing about whippets. Their body temperatures are so low. Also, I hate... Also, it's so far off the ground, it has freezing time before it hits.

I know. It's like someone having a shit off a goalpost. As it lands, it's like someone's frozen or boiling a pan of water in the air and it all just goes into vapour or whatever it goes into. But what I'd say also,

I need to retract, the amount of slagging off I give whippets for having coats on, you have to give them a coat. They are just too cold. Oh he is jimmy chipolata the chipolata will not that my dog won't go outside without a coat on yeah he refuses that sounds like the start of a joke are you really into your door just workshopping some stuff actually yeah anyway so yeah so 9 30 a.m right was when I got up today, right? Shall I tell you what happened between those hours?

What, 1 and 9.30? No, no, yeah. So 1.30 I went to bed. So basically at quarter to six, the dog cried, which woke me up and then Lou went down to deal with. I went back to sleep and then I heard Lou having an argument

with both kids and the dog for about half an hour at 7am. Oh my God. That was going on. Then at quarter past seven, the cat came and sat on my head yeah yeah so that woke me up yeah um and then the cat went off and then about quarter about a half seven quarter to eight uh my youngest came in and literally slapped me around the face and said

wakey wakey open the curtains and turn the light on oh my god okay so i sort of told her to go away and then um yeah so she went away so i got up at that point shut the curtains and then and turn the light off by the way the landing lights on the whole time here basically like the sun burning my retina yeah yeah

of course yeah Lou's left the door open oh I don't know but do you think I'm going to pull Lou up on that when she's dealing with a dog on a school run

absolutely not I'll lay there in silence in the bright light like you're being taken up into a spaceship yeah so that's good right so my youngest goes away

I get up shut the curtains and turn the light on. Anyway, and then I go to get my phone to see what time it is, and unbeknownst to me, a half-drunk open can of Coke Zeros next to the bed. Not mine. Who has Coke Zero open next to a bed? Next to a bed?

Yeah, I'll tell you who has it. Louise Watts, when she's absolutely shit-faced the day before with a hangover and has brought up a can of Coke while she's lying in bed and left it on my side i don't know it's there i've knocked it over so now i've got coke zero all over our light colored carpet that now i'm with a morning glory erection trying to clear up on the floor naked my ass in the air like someone's trying to park their bike oh come on now so i'm trying to clear that up right so i clear that up and then i get in there lou comes in she needs to stew her air. So that's quarter to nine.

And I go, oh, there was a can of unopened thing there. And I'm sort of, I've got the ump that that's there. Because that's been another thing that's woke me up. And then she went, oh, well, I actually haven't got the time to clear that up now. I'm sure we can do that later. So now it's my fault that I fucking spilt a drink I never even had in the first place. Oh, God, Rob. But that was my line.

That was between 6 and 9.30 of my lion. On any other day, I'd have pity for you. Little tip I've got for you on lions. Go on. So the other day, I didn't say a lion, but I went back to bed. A nap. A mid-morning nap.

8 a.m. Rested your eyes. Yeah, I'd been up three hours. I've started having my naps in the spare room, Rob. This is how it starts. It's nice, isn't it, your own bed? Fucking hell, Rob. Isn't it nice?

You know when you see those old couples that have got two single beds and you think, I will never turn into that? It's the same as when you're young and you start dating and you see couples with a book or their phone out and you go, that'll never be us. Give us two kids in ten years, it fucking will be. Do you know Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton, when they were married, they had separate adjoining houses?

No way. That's too far, isn't it? But what? That would be nice. It would be nice. Wouldn't it? You just sort of pop in and out. You swap the kids out.

It's sort of like being separated, but not just physically, but not emotionally. Yeah. That's the dream, I think, isn't it? Yeah, because do you know what, Rob? Not my biggest issue of the week, but when I haven't got much time in the evenings, I'm finding it difficult to push through with Rose

an eight-hour documentary about the making of Let It Be. What hour are you on? I'm 20 minutes in, Rob, and I've watched it all on my phone while I've been on the toilet so far. Oh, so you've only watched 20 minutes of it? I want to watch it on the screen, but I have no point when I watch television

except when Rose is there, Rob. Why not? Because you've got no time? When am I going to do it? What evenings? Well, from the 12th you can. From the 12th I can, Rob. What's on your to-do list from the 12th? Now you haven't got work. Because I imagine your daughter's going to be in preschool for a bit still one

week so you've got a week of just one child for two of you to look after so what are you going to do yesterday i did something very smug which i'm going to say i wasn't planning on revealing this as it is too smug yep but um had an eight hour round trip to do a book event at the Hay-On-Wire Festival, Rob. Oh, my God, why? I'm not going to lie. Hay-On, why did you go? Well, Hay-On, I agreed to it three months ago when I was worried about sales. Hay-On, the anxiety got me.

Hay-On, eight-hour round trip. Hay-On, hello, Motorway Services. Hay-On! Anyway, Hay, on. Yeah. Did all of my Christmas shopping on my phone in the eight hours in the car. You mad fucker. That's amazing. I couldn't believe I was doing it.

So you did it all? I did. I reckon I've done 80%. That's unbelievable. It's November. I know. You're unbelievable. I couldn't believe I was doing it.

I was like, I'm going to use this time. Do you know what it is? I wanted to write a film about this, about a man that never slept and what he could achieve. And I think you're doing it. Well, Rob, talking of never slept, should I let you into my sleep hell? So you've been up since 4.15am this morning.

Would you text Roman Kemp, Zoe Ball, check team of all the guys, Dave Barry? Well... Jamie Finkston you're right Rise and Shine guys let's go and get it big frosty morning

let's go let's cheer these commuters up let's cheer these commuters up so we've moved on to Christmas magic so it's it's Ronan Keating now

I love him great guy nice bloke lovely bloke I think his producer's great as well Brian Murphy used to produce me Absolute Radio

very good very good producer great show great guys over there I sound like a corporate man Nice bloke. Lovely bloke. I think his producer's great as well, Brian Murphy. He used to produce me Absolute Radio. Very good. Very good producer. Great show. Great guys over there. I sound like a corporate man. Have we gone Christmas early? We would have done our Christmas decorations this Saturday just gone,

but Lou went out on the piss. Oh, and she went out for a drag brunch in the afternoon. I got a text at 7pm from her mate saying, brace yourself, Rob. Oh, God. Is that the most worrying text you can get? Oh, no. Anyway, it turns out she had a tactical sick and then she stayed out till 11.

Legend. Good on her. Woman after my own heart. So 4.15, yep, you got up very early. So he's just waking up very early, Rob. Okay. What time's he going to bed? 7.

We've tried changing that. We've tried changing everything. I'm not criticising, just asking questions. Oh, okay. Don't get defensive. But if you did say, we put him down for the night at 2pm, We've tried changing that. We've tried changing everything. I'm not criticising, just asking questions. Oh, okay. Don't get defensive. But if you did say, we put him down for the night at 2pm,

I would go, reconsider. Have you tried 3.30? Is he still having a nap in a day? Three. Three naps in a day. Drop a nap? No, Rob. He's only six months, mate. Three naps in a day. Drop a nap? No, Rob. He's only six months, mate.

Russell Cain Flannel. So, normally, I can't complain because he's not a bad sleeper compared to a lot of other six-month-olds. Yeah, but that's like saying, you know, he weren't a bad Nazi compared to the other Nazis, you know?

There were worse ones. So, because I've got a friend who listens to this, and his wife listens to this, and she was like, have you heard Josh and Rosie's kiddie sleeping through? But yeah, but he's sleeping through to half fucking four, mate. That's not sleeping through, that's sleeping towards. Yeah, exactly.

And then he is fucking awake. Like, I was... So let me take you through what I've tried this week, right? 4.15 this morning. 4.45 yesterday morning. Yesterday morning, I was like, right. So you do the first shift because Rose does the breastfeeding in the night, basically. Rose breastfeeds. Then I do a shift.

So Rose is up at that point at 4.15. Rose gets up and then she goes back to bed oh god that is a brutal shift for women breastfeeding it's so hard isn't it oh mate

well think about me I know but you've got to remember because at least you're not she's up in the night as well breastfeeding no no no

because he doesn't wake up in the night he sleeps from 7 till 4.15 that is brilliant no it's not Rob it's not that is great you are so lucky.

Why didn't you shove it up your fucking arse, which is bare, while you're leaning over to get a Coke Zero, because I hate you. And you're finishing work on the 12th. I might have to get someone else on this show. Your life's too easy. You are... So 7 till 4, nothing. So basically, from 7 till 4, you could

just do whatever you wanted. No, I couldn't. Rose could get a part-time job in the evenings. Has she got that much time? Brilliant. You could drive to Hay on Wyandback. That's great. Gosh, brilliant sleeper. He's not.

Well, he is. But he's just... He's an hour off being the perfect sleeper. But that hour is killing me. Because when he... It's so tantalising. But you said you love getting up at five and watching documentaries.

Or is it four, though? Four is... No, this was the thing. So yesterday I was like, the problem is I've been getting him up. What I'm going to do, I'm just going to stay in the dark room, right? Okay.

And I'm just going to get him back to sleep. I genuinely... So I thought, I can't do this on my own. I'll have an ear in. I'll listen to a podcast. Fine. So you're trying to get him back to sleep at 4.15 after he's been breastfed?

Yeah. I reckon, I was thinking, if you said to me, you've got to go up to a man in the street today and get him to sleep, I'd have more chance. Who would you pick out of interest? If you had to do that challenge,

what would you go? I'd probably get a coca. Old man, right? I'd get on a bus and find somebody who's finishing a night shift. Yeah, exactly. Or a drunk. Let him down in the doorway of a betting office.

Stroke his nose. Yeah. Honestly, mate, I'd have more chance. I was in there an hour 15, right? Yeah. Honestly, mate, I'd have more chance. I was in there an hour 15, right? Yeah. Until 5.30. Still only 5.30. And I'm like, I can't do this anymore.

Because the thing with going downstairs is at least I'm getting some kind of connection with my son. Yeah. At least I can make a cup of tea. Yeah. At least I can put the radio on. At least I can, let's be honest, connection with my son. Yeah. At least I can make a cup of tea. Yeah. At least I can put the radio on. At least I can, let's be honest, look at my phone. Yeah.

You don't need to look at a six-month-old, do you? No, but you can at least go, oh, he's got a cheeky smile. That'll get me through. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, quick photo of that back on TikTok. Send it to your mum and Rose. Job done.

Yeah. He doesn't eat in the mornings as well because it's too early. Because he's not insane. He's Rose. Job done. Yeah. He doesn't eat in the mornings as well, because it's too early. Because he's not insane. He's not hungry at 4.30. Are you on food as well as breastfeeding? Yeah, yeah. He loves eating at any other time.

I forgot everything you have to do with a baby. Yeah, exactly, mate. It is just sort of like your brain deletes it. All control and delete on all of that. Exactly. So I'm up at 4.15. 4.15. It's insane.

It's insane. It's like getting a flight. But I'm not going anywhere. I know, mate. Tell me about it. We're just circuses, like, just repeat, repeat, repeat every day. It's never going to end. Will it get older? Yeah, but... I woke up until I was four at 4.30am

every day. Don't tell me that, right? Whatever my mum did, I woke up... I don't believe it. I don't believe this. I'll ring her now. Do you want me to ring her? No. I'll ring her now and ask her. No, but this is going to break my soul. Yeah, but sometimes it's just acceptance, isn't it, to the truth?

You know what I mean? She might still be in bed. I know this is sickening for you, but my mum and dad get up about midday. They go to bed at two in the morning and get up at midday. She's asleep. So she's still asleep, Josh. This is insane.

But she's catching up on when I used to be her kid. She's still in deficit. No, look, nothing. Anyway, well, she might ring me. Oh, hello, Mum. You're on the podcast with me and Josh. Hello, Mrs Beckett. Josh just said, like, you. You're on the podcast with me and Josh. Hello, Mrs Beckett. Josh has just said, like, you can't hear him because I've got headphones in.

But he's going to hear you. He won't be able to talk to you. What time did I used to wake up in the morning when I was a kid? About half past four. And how long did that go on for? Two years about. Well, she went to school, really. OK, cool.

That's all we needed, really. Thank you very much, Mum. OK, then, love. Bye. Love you. Bye, cool. That's all we needed, really. Thank you very much, Mum. OK, then, love. Bye. Love you. Bye. Bye. OK, so there's the evidence.

Your response? I just can't believe this is happening to me. School. Yeah. I tell you what, mate. He's going to school next week. Just drop him off. Just wheel him in with a uniform on.

Little elastic band tie. Well, yeah, because nothing would tie me out, but school tied me out, basically. I don't understand what's going on with my life. So, I think you've got a 430-er. No, I don't. I think you're enjoying that two weeks ago you were the guy with the dog. And I'll be honest with you now, I shouldn't have taken so much pleasure in it because it's coming back to bite me on the arse.

I'm just saying, you've tried everything. I haven't tried everything. You've tried everything. You can't push it back. He still wakes up at 4.30, okay? And basically, you know, he's a good sleeper. He's choosing to wake. This is when he wakes up.

I refuse to believe it. Well, my mum just, there was no coercing there. You were with me in the moment. I rung my mum and asked her, what time did I used to get up? She said 4.30. I went, when did that stop? She went, when I went to school.

That wasn't on FaceTime. That was a phone call. I wasn't giving her a wink. You've told me this live. This isn't set up. No, I know it's not right. I'm just telling you, you're going to have to start getting used to

waking up at 4.30. Okay. And you need a system in place to deal with the new time your day starts? I'm going to need to cancel every gig I've got until 2027. I know my agent listens to this. Please pull them out of my diary. Until he's at school.

Until he's at school. Actually, that would go like... Yeah, he's at boarding school, actually. Yeah, he started next week. He might as well get the education in early. He'll sleep... He can wake the master up early. 4.15 this morning.

So anyway, you're up. So to be fair, it will get better. It will be another 15 minutes going forward. Oh, Rob. It's not happening. I'm moving out. I'm going to do a hell of a bottom card. All I can give you is anecdotal evidence

from what I was like as a child. But at least in the long term, he's going to be a highly successful comedian. That is a positive. Yeah, I do think I'm very much an anomaly. Don't think I'm the rule. Do you want to hear more about how awful it is? Yes!

I've got some more positive nativity news to tell you after. If you keep telling me how awful it is yes so i've got some more positive nativity news to tell you if you keep telling me how awful it is i can bring that bring everyone up but actually i think everyone enjoys this and i don't think i'm winding you up here i think this is you know my mum always says show me the baby of the the child and i'll show you the man or the woman it's like they very much define who they are early doors. Yeah. I nearly left the Zoom during your mum's phone call, Rob, just so you know. So what else has been happening? Nothing. Nothing, Rob. Because nothing happens

at that time. I can't even WhatsApp people because no one's up. So when my daughter was waking up at 5.30. Yeah. What time does she wake up now? Eight. She was up this morning. She's at nursery though, isn't she?

Yeah. Going to school soon. So it does. Yeah. They will sleep longer then. Yeah. But it was the middle of summer. So I could take her out.

We'd go for a walk. You text me at five to 6am. Yeah. I'd been up for nearly two hours. 5.56am you text me.'d been up for nearly two hours. 5.56am you'd text me there, saying, been up since 4.15, today's podcast is looking like a classic.

It's just not possible. I feel depressed when I go to bed, Rob. Yeah, people say they wake up sad. You shouldn't go to bed sad. That's a red flag, mate. It's because... It's ever since the clock's changed. I don't... He's done his thing.

It's fine. He can't stop the clock. He can't play the clock. I know, but what's going on? It's been a month. That's... I know. But it's all gone to shit since then.

It was going so well. I know we've laughed and taken the piss, but is there any way you can shorten the naps or drop a nap in the day? He barely naps. He's not a napper. He's not one of life's nappers. I didn't nap either.

Oh, come on now. Do you want me to ring my mum? Did you sleep through from 7 till 4.30? Do you want me to ring my mum? Yeah, with the following questions. Were you good at naps? Okay, I'll ring her back. And did you sleep through?

Did you sleep through or did I wake up in the night? Yeah. OK. Oh, hello, it's me again. You won't be able to talk to Josh, you can just hear you. Where are you? Where am I? It's so loud.

Oh, I've got the TV on. Oh, my God, you're such a nan. Anyway, can I ask you a couple questions about my sleeping as a child okay right did I nap and did I sleep through when I went to bed for the evening like 7ish or whatever did I sleep through or did I keep waking up perfect so that was slept through, but you just woke up really, really early, just ready for the day. Perfect. So that was great. Thanks, Mum.

Any advice? Because Josh's child's like me, really, and I think he's going to be like that. Is there any advice? What did you do to deal with it? Did you try anything? Well, I tried putting you to bed later, but you still woke up at the same time because everybody said... Been there, done that. You should go to bed at six because you were exhausted.

Yeah. And they said keep you up later, but you'd go to bed at eight and still get up at half past four. Yeah. So I just kept putting you to bed. The only thing I did, I didn't drive too much because it was dangerous because I was supposed to get up about two with Joe to feed him and then you got up at four.

And then I just used to strap you in the pram and walk. Yeah. She was safe and I wasn't... Because I didn't remember going places. I was so tired. It was exhausting. But they do grow up and go to school. Yeah, so...

And then they do leave home. So it's just that sort of four years. So what you'd say is just basically you have to plough through it. Don't drive due to the danger and just keep walking and you will forget where you've been, but you get through it eventually. Yeah, and everybody's safe. That's the main thing.

Yeah. So I've just got to keep it safe. So it's more of a sort of, you know, a public safety message. If that's their sleep pattern, that's their sleep pattern. Some people need more than others. Yeah, okay. Dan's needed more sleep than you and slept lovely. Yeah.

And that's just, I think they find their routine quite early on don't they with what they do that's a leading question in court that would be a leading question we used to do shifts one get up at half past four and then perhaps go back to bed at nine when the other one left

that weekend so just get your sleep when you can okay cool thanks mum all right love you bye bye thanks mrs beckett okay so um i think has that helped um leading question she brought up the fact that you shouldn't drive it's dangerous well does she know about my issues with with the battery on my car rob last time i didn't drive my mum you know old school she was getting up at two on her own with the other kid, my brother Joe, and then she was getting up with me at four and she weren't being driven to Hay-on-Wye.

No, I know. She was walking around the streets with her buggy crying. Poor woman. Rob, were people in the past tougher? Yes. My mum's old school, mate, though. She'd eat you up for breakfast. Why am I so weak?

I think... I don't think you're really weak. I think you were on telly quite early. I wasn't. You was on telly quite early and you had the good life on telly before you had kids. Yeah. So that's the thing. You was a bit pampered before you had kids. That's what I'd say. Rob, I've already told you, when I was on telly, I lived in an area that was so bad, the dog shit had the runs. Yeah, but you didn't have to clear it up. And you saw that from your chauffeur-driven car

that had your backpack in while you ran. No, you're not. No, Josh, I'm only messing. You're not. Oh, my mum is old school. She's like, she's old school, like, selfie something. So she's quite tough and hardy. You're not weak.

You are just dealing with a child that wakes up very early and you're tired and you're moaning about it which is absolutely fine and i think the best approach the best approach isn't to make my peace with it rob the best approach is acceptance surrender you are a twig you are a twig in a river you can't stop the water you can't stop the twig go with the flow 4 30 a.m is your new alarm clock and enjoy it embrace those early mornings see the sun come up that nice cold air down your lungs and you go for a walk in the morning to get some bread at 5 a.m rob this morning when i got up i was like why is it so cold i realized because our timed heating hadn't even come on yet exactly so start adjusting that this is when your house

wakes up it's a 4am household that's just if you accept it and readjust your lifestyles before you know it that's just your new life I'm going to phone Russell Kane as soon as we finish this get the flannel out

get the fucking flannel out this is happening Russell blackout blinds flannel get Russell Kane round to sleep train your kid do you know what this morning

when my daughter got up at 8 and she got up because I went up there because she wasn't up, so I presumed. See, my brother Dan was like that. He'd sleep till eight. Yeah. But I'm not reliving your childhood.

Well, that feels like you are. That's exactly the kind of thing someone in denial would say. Has this been helpful today for you? No. No. Okay. Fair enough. So the other day... Go on.

This will cheer you up. Yeah. Rose's mum walked into the sitting room. My daughter was sat in front of the TV. It had just been left on, on daytime TV. Yeah. And she was watching This Morning with Holly and Phil. Mm-hm.

And they were doing an interview. And on the screen, you know how it lists... It gives a strap line for the interview and it was the man with the biggest penis in the world. I've not been on it recently.

When was this? My kind of humour. My kind of humour. Even with a lack of sleep I can enjoy those kind of gags. The whole family can enjoy that humour. I keep doing loads of dad jokes.

I did a dad joke on the telly. I don't know if it'll make the edit of that big fat quiz of the year. I was talking about Hyde Park. When I've never been to Hyde Park, can never find it. Oh, yeah. Okay, I won't do it. It won't make it. I quite like that little dad joke.

Yeah, it was nice. Anyway, sorry, go on. The man with the biggest penis in the world. What are you looking at? Five inches? That was the end of the anecdote. Just that my daughter was watching the man with the biggest penis in the world. What are you looking at? Five inches? That was the end of the anecdote, just that my daughter was watching the man with the biggest penis in the world.

Did she read that? No, she can't read anything other than her own name at this stage, so luckily. I've got a question, because Christmas is coming up. Are you doing Elf on a Shelf? Oh, do you know what? My tour manager was telling me about Elf on a Shelf yesterday. I've never done it before.

Oh, it's great fun, but it's a little bit of a ball ache. Basically, do you know how it works? So you've got an elf, you put it on a shelf, and then each night it does something different. Yeah, so it's basically like, I think there's a book that comes with it, and I think, I don't know what the story is, but basically every morning you have to hide the elf somewhere. When they come downstairs, they've got to find their elf on a shelf.

Well, do you know what? I do need things to do in the morning. I've got six hours of it. Or I think if you're up early before your daughter, because the baby don't know or care, I think, if you're up early before your daughter, because, you know, the baby don't know or care, I think that's a fun thing to do. And we can put it on our

Parenting Help Instagram of what you've done with the, especially the, oh, the opportunities you've got in the, of knick-knacks to hide him or her.

Yeah. Also, because I'm up four hours before my daughter, I don't even need to do it before I go to bed, Rob. No, no, you can do it in the, that's the thing, embrace your new lifestyle. Because I'm looking for things to do in. I don't even need to do it before I go to bed, Rob. No, no, you can do it in the... That's the thing.

Embrace your new lifestyle. Because I'm looking for things to do in the morning. You are looking for things to do, yeah. I've written a novel, Rob. Just this morning. That's how much time I've got. It's called Too Sad to Sleep. Yeah, no, you can buy it online.

It's like a book. And you get the little teddy in a book. And then you can make them be in funny little positions and stuff. Great. I'm going to do it. It's good fun. We've done it before. Is it too late to have ordered it? No, I think you could get it.

Also, if you start it on the 3rd of December, she's not going to care, is she? Right. I'm going to get an elf on the shelf and I'll put it on each day. I'll put a picture on the Instagram. Yeah, I think we've got one somewhere. We might try and do it. Do you do Advent?

Well, we had a little bit of a head-butting exercise here with the Advent. I bought them Lego Advent calendar things because they get a little bit of a head-butting exercise here with the advent. I bought them Lego advent calendar things because they get a little bit of Lego and they build a scene and stuff. Yeah, you're getting a lot of kickback from that company these days, Rob, aren't you? I'm buying it all. They ain't giving it to me. Anyway, I'm not a big fan of just giving them a bit of chocolate first thing in the morning every day for a month.

It's just not very good for you, is it? Yeah, but you know, Rob, that horse has bolted with kids. Well, anyway anyway so lou's bought me a load of chocolate ones she's got one anyway so what i've said is they do the lego in the morning then they do the chocolate one after dinner but we both bought them separately about talking oh i loved my chocolate one when i was a kid i know that's the thing isn't gonna hate my lego one and now if i ever have chocolate first thing in the morning, it tastes like Christmas. Yes, it does a little bit, doesn't it?

But then what is first thing in the morning and what's late at night for you? When's it start? When's a big night feast? By the way, Rob, I'm still doing my intermittent fasting, which means that... Oh, my God, you can't do... That is impossible.

You can only do that if you're sleeping Josh Not eating till midday No don't do it Josh When I get up Rob it's 7 and a half hours till breakfast No you can't again you change your lifestyle You need to have a lovely little bit of toast in the morning To cheer coffee and toast at 5am Cheer yourself up mate

Be good to yourself Well I can't have caffeine when I get up Because I'm looking forward to my 8 a.m nap rob i don't want to ruin my 8 a.m nap so you're not having a coffee at 4 30 a.m i'm having a tea that is decaffeinated your life's so rubbish it's shit have a coffee have some toast get some sourdough down your mate you live in east london sure did you think your life would be more enjoyable at this stage? What? Yeah. Oh, two things.

People keep asking, did you get your French oven delivered? Do people keep asking that? They do, because you had to put an order in, but you weren't going to get it until, like, December. It was, like, five months. Well, it's up in the air whether it's going to be there for Christmas. How do you get stuff cooked? Why have you got it so high? Well, we've got... It's a bit of it's up in the air whether it's going to be there for Christmas how do you get stuff cooked why have you got it so high well we've got we've got it's a bit fun up in the air enjoyed that yeah um but do you know what Rob what you know like when

I don't know if you ever had anything delivered by for instance and I I had this experience John Lewis and they turn up and they say we can't deliver this because we you know these these stairs don't match the requirements or whatever. Oh, like with a sofa, you have to measure it and all that to get it. How big's this stove? Is it a corner stove? I'm not going to say that when we had something delivered by John Lewis, the guys were looking for a reason not to take it down to the basement,

but it did feel that way. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. Yeah, fair enough. Anyway, these guys are the opposite, Rob. Yeah? So they sent me a questionnaire about my house that I had to fill in. Maybe they're just going to rob me. I've just realised I'm going to be robbed by some French burglars.

The wet bandits. The wet bandits. So I had to do my questionnaire about my house to check the cooker could be brought in. Yeah, of course you did. You're middle class. That's lifestyle. That's just your life now. Yeah, they made me draw a diagram of the journey of the cooker.

The journey of the cooker. The journey of the cooker. So I had to draw a diagram with all the measurements of everything, of his whole journey from van to kitchen. Oh my God, surely they should do that.

We don't know what we're doing. We've never delivered a... No. It needs to be someone turns up that knows how they move and get them around corners

and they can judge it, surely. I felt like a real man though when I had my tape measure out when I was measuring the hallway. Look at it it 5am get it all measured get a job done

exactly get that done it's fine so yeah that's where we are with the French cooker was there another question oh the other thing was

yes I did get the air sorted in my tyres yes everyone's a bit worried about you Josh good news from the Beckett household yeah

my youngest in the nativity is playing Mary oh the big one yes it's probably only fair that i admit that she is the only girl in that preschool um this made me laugh though on instagram i saw let me read this out to you it's my friend of a friend um they know they give them a little slip to say what they're in the nativity yeah and

there's like little gaps so it says um your child, and then a little gap in whatever their name is, has been chosen to be in the nativity, blah, blah, blah. Let me read you out what my friend got. So they've written the name on it. Your child is a, and then you write in what it is, a door in the nativity. Please dress them in something black or brown. A door. Adore. Adore.

Imagine being adore. Adorable, more like, yeah? If that was my... Oh, here he goes. He's up early, but he's ready to go. Exactly. Fucking hell. On fumes.

Do you want to hear a good friend of a friend story? Oh, yeah, go on. This rumour going round in Scotland. Yeah. He's being paid 100 quid a time to uh take people's jabs for them and he's had 200 jabs no i mean it can't be true can it rob it can't be so people that don't want the jab oh my god he's got so many antibodies it's like a new avengers film he's had 200 200 doses of covid he's Omicron imagine the after effects

anyway it's not true and anyone that doesn't want the jab's an idiot etc we cover ourselves on that his arm must be fucking massive well how do you go in

they must go but you've got 199 punctures already in here mate he looks like a colander old sieve arms turned up again for another going over

right do you want a couple of Instagrams before we wrap up? Yeah, bloody hell. Oh, we should say, Rob. Oh, yes, the live show. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. We had a couple of technical difficulties with the mailing list due to,

well, basically, the demand for tickets for the show has been absolutely massive. Yeah. So we're doing the show in end of January, Hackney Empire. It's all sold out. it's sold out straight away um but if you please sign up to the mailing list and we're looking at maybe doing more yeah so um but thank you very much we really appreciate it and sign up to the mailing list because we will and go on to the insta follow us on instagram as well and we are looking at maybe putting more on and you'll be the first to find out with a code because it all went on it didn't even go on General Sale at all.

It all went to the proper listeners. So if you sign up, we're going to hopefully do more all around the country so that you can all be seen to. How do they sign up? It's in the Instagram bio. It's also in the episode description of this show if you sign up to the mailing list there.

And also if we end up doing merch and stuff like that, it'll go through on there as well. Everything we do. Everything we do. Everywhere everywhere we go but we won't spam you but yeah thank you so much buying the tickets we're gonna make sure it's a really good show um and we'll hopefully do some more but right let's do some instagrams um before we uh before we go josh um oh i want to go to bed rob yes we can't i'm afraid i'll tell you who's in bed though the listeners in tokyo oh hey guys on tuesday episode in bed, though. The listeners in Tokyo. Oh. Hey, guys. On Tuesday episode, you did

a call-out for listeners in Japan. I'm actually from Orpington, South East London, and now live in Tokyo. You're neck of the woods, Rob. Yes, and she actually said that she taught my nephew when he was in reception. Small world, hey? Love the podcast. Keep up the glorious work. Beth. Thank you very much, Beth, in Tokyo. Thank you very much,

Beth. Exciting, isn't it? It beth exciting isn't it it is exciting isn't it you know people around the world listening at different times in different places just someone in eating some fucking sushi listening to us blabber on about josh not sleeping oh god i've just realized i've left some sushi in my bag oh well carry on i bought it on the way to hay on wine iWine. I didn't eat it. Eight-hour round trip, Christmas presents done, rotting fish carcass. Right, here we go. Another one. I've got a more tired than Josh story.

I bet you haven't. Okay, well, let's hear it, Josh. This is from Dov LaSim, which is the Instagram name, so I hope I got that right. There's no spaces. It's just all one, isn't it, for those handles. Hi, guys. Still loving the podcast. Okay, that's quite loaded. What, are you one, isn't it? For those handles. Hi, guys. Still loving the podcast.

Okay, that's quite loaded. What, you're waiting for it to go shit, are you? It's still going. You've still got it, guys. We're still here. Hi, guys. Still loving the podcast. Got on more tired than Josh story.

We have an 11-month-old twins and a two-year-old. I've just gone back to work from my maternity leave and I'm bloody knackered. The cat's got an ear infection, so I got his tablets ready to give to him tonight and put them on the worktop. Looked down 30 seconds later and they were gone

and then realised I had taken them myself. Oh my God. Oh my God. But she said she's never had clearer hearing. Sorting her ears right out. Hopefully I'll still be alive

to tell the tale in the morning. Look, she doesn't grow her tail, am I right? Oh, very nice. Gosh, yeah, I've got ties as well, actually. Yeah, that's a good... She's taking feline medication. Well, do you want some more animal-based correspondence?

Yes, please. Dog training tip for Rob. OK. Hi, guys, love the podcast. I listen to an episode every day on my drive to and from work just listen to the episode about rob's dog and toilet training we got a lockdown puppy in december 2020 and we taught her to ring a bell when she needs to go to the toilet oh yes really best thing we ever did it's a floor bell like in a hotel reception she hits it for the door to be

opened that's good. Lou's heard about this and she's brought these weird little jingle sleigh bells on the door handle. It's just really annoying. Oh festive. The dog don't really touch them so maybe we'll go to a hotel reception bell. Yeah. Tip for stopping a dog crying at night? Put a ticking clock under a blanket

in the dog's crate. And this sounds like it's mother's heartbeat. Yeah but I just think the dog's got to fucking grow up. When you take that out, I can't imagine an adult dog still sleeping with a ticking heartbeat. Come on. You don't want some sort of little weird Norman Bates dog. Do you know what I mean?

There's two... What I've learned is, Josh, if you get a dog, you have to have a chat in the park. There's two types of dog owners. There's people with dogs and there's dog parents. Yeah. I'm a man of a dog. Yeah. And I'm not dealing with that. I give it three dogs and there's dog parents. Yeah. I'm a man of a dog. Yeah.

And I'm not dealing with that. I give it three months and you will be a dog parent. I'm not. It's not. You pick early. It's like sleep patterns. You find out early. And what's Lou?

Lou's half and half, but she's basically, because I don't love the dog like Lou loves the dog, it don't listen to me. And we have to do recall in the park and it don't want any part of me, Josh. Oh, Rob. I'm sorry that the dog hates you. Lou had to formally apologise to me today, Josh what she had to formally apologize to you you know when that you have a bit of a round it goes a bit quiet you sort of it just peters off but like

when you have to get an apology out something the other person knows they need to apologize yeah we're in the park we're doing recall it keeps going to lou keeps ignoring me and i'm stood there in the park and i feel a bit conscious anyway about screaming for a dog in a park and obviously when you have if you're off the telly people sort of look at you a little bit and i feel a bit self-conscious and stuff like that so when you are in a pug and freddy freddy fred come here boy freddy freddy and you're like as loud as you can and the dogs just sat on the floor next to your wife 100 meters away you're going freddy freddy freddy and the dog completely ignored me and walked off and lou said out out loud, well, that's embarrassing.

And strangers in the park laughed. And I got home and I was so sad. And I just said, and Lou went, I'm sorry about that. I was like, that was out of order, wasn't it? She went, yeah. And I went, because if I did that to you, what would you do? She said, I'd probably run away and cry and not talk to you. Oh, my word.

So she had to apologise, which she did, which is fair. But, yeah, I've got to get a bit of a recall. Do you want another chip into the dog debate? Go on. This is from Schmodap. Oh, Schmodap. Hi. Here's my hot take on Rob's dog situation.

It's not a situation. Nobody really truly likes their dog until the dog is at least two years old. Okay. And anyone who says otherwise is lying. Everyone regrets getting a dog is at least two years old okay and anyone who says otherwise is lying everyone regrets getting a dog for at least two years he's true isn't he this is true you just gotta make your peace with this i've got to make my peace with it two of us two men trying to make my peace with it. Two of us, two men, trying to make their peace.

Oh, God. So you just basically have got, yeah, okay, well, that's good to know. Well, how am I ending this show on a downer? I was laughing

like a minute ago talking to my mum about your kid. Jesus Christ. Anything else or just that? That's literally all they've sent

and to be honest, it's so cutting. It doesn't need anything else. They haven't even signed it or put their real name. It just says Schmodap.

Schmodap, spitting truth. Oh, God. Right, small business shout-out. Yeah, why not? I'm going to spin down, and I'm going to pick one at random. Rob, you ready? Go for it. Say when.

When. Okay. Hi, Rob and Josh. Firstly, thank you for the podcast. Our daughter is nine months old, and you've been with us every step of the way. Not from conceiving, was it? Yeah. Secondly, we wanted to say it was the Judy Love episode

that was playing as we conceived. Good one. Good one, actually. It gets a bit sexy halfway through that, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly. We shouldn't have put that slap bass on it. Right, secondly, we wanted to mention our company for your small business shout-outs.

This is hopefully one for Izzy Sooty as well, since it might help with her squash habits. Do you remember she drinks lots of squash? Yes. Spruce water is a natural fruit powder that is used to flavour water. It's a grown-up squash. Grown-up squash. No sugar.

I'm going to send this to Ellis and Izzy. No sugar, additives or preservatives. Just natural ingredients, real fruits and vitamins. We've also spent the past two years on the packaging to ensure it's entirely plastic free.

The first of its kind in the UK. Our Instagram is, this is a really good idea, at spruce, S-P-R-U-C-E, dot water. And the website is

www.spruce-water.com. Any new followers or sign-ups or orders would be amazing, not to mention a massive help to morale. We're due to launch in two weeks. No idea when this was sent to us, and all your support is hugely appreciated. Thanks so much, Johnny and Katie. Spruce.water on Instagram.

We've got one here as well. This is from Karen. She's had a tough year. Let's help her out with that name. She said, I'm not normally one to complain but no she didn't really i've made that up um because she's a karen we have fun don't we i'm a new listener to your hilarious podcast after my cousin claire recommended that i listen to you she also said you did shout outs for new small businesses and being that it was relevant to parenting dilemmas i thought you may not mind mentioning my business go goosey g-o and then g-o-o-s-e-y is a unisex kids quick drying onesie that i came up with after taking my daughter swimming for the first time and realized what a

nightmare the whole drying and dressing experience was i've struggled with this this might help me out josh not only did she have a meltdown but i stood there cold and wet too trying to get her in clothes as quickly as i could and so i could get dressed too i thought surely there must be a solution to make things easier for us already stressed out parents who after six years of finding the right material deliberating for a while and then getting it designed and manufactured finally launched in september of this year we do five different sizes age two to 11 years, and can buy, I mean, 11 years is bold, isn't it?

Trying to get a year seven in a fucking onesie in front of all their mates at the time. It's a kid pubing up with a fucking onesie. But anyway, they do,

they do, leave it out, mum, fucking hell. You caught me bollocks in the zip. We do five different sizes, age two to 11 years.

And you can buy it on our website, gogoosey.co.uk. We are also on Instagram and Facebook, gogoosey.co.uk. Next step is to make them for us parents too. Thank you so much and keep up the good work of making us realise we're not the only ones struggling with parenthood. Best wishes, Karen, gogoosey.co.uk. There we go. Thank you very much for listening Best wishes, Karen. GoGoosey.co.uk. There we go. Thank you very much for listening.

Thanks, guys. Next week, I'll speak to you and my sleep problems will probably be solved. Yes, yeah, surely. So I look forward to talking about that, Rob. Yeah, if not, we do know we've got four years if you're talking about getting up at 4.30am. That'll last a few months whilst you accept it. Do you know what, Rob, though?

He's the perfect baby from about 8 a.m to about 4 a.m it's those four hours in the middle well no baby's a perfect baby josh you've got a brilliant brilliant sleeper and you should count your lucky stars i wish he was just bad at eating that would be much easier um right we've got back my issue with my daughter not being fussy about clothes, really feels like a drop in the ocean now, Rob. It does, doesn't it? She wouldn't put a coat on.

Yeah. In the daytime. Yeah, give a shit. That was the glory days, Josh. See you on Friday. See you on Friday, bye!