Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP43: The Laddy Special

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

S03 EP43: The Laddy Special**TRIGGER WARNING** This episode Rob and Josh go full lad mode. If you can't take the level of laddiness you should listen to lesser lad podcasts like Joe Rogan you bloody snowflake.... #lads lads lads Thanks to everyone who bought tickets for the live show in January - we sold in less than 15 minutes! If you want to be first in line for any potential future live dates, merchandise, and any additional show info then sign up to the mailing list here;parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's, at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Gotham Com.

And... Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett, but... That was naughty. But... That was. Hello, both. I've been listening to your podcast right from the start,

and you've kept me smiling throughout lockdown and beyond. Having three older brothers who like to teach him all manner of inappropriate things, here is my youngest, George, who, at only two, has the extraordinary ability to burp on command. Wow. Which causes me much embarrassment when out, but amuses the rest of the gang now. Keep up the good work.

Laura Hess from Hazelmere. That is a brutal skill for your kid to have in it that's instant humiliation massive laugh from the stranger but the fifth time you've heard it yeah do you know what rob i couldn't i couldn't make myself burp until i was an adult can you make yourself burp now i think i can but now now the pressure's on go on mate no i can't do it i just can't come go on did you hear that did you hear that no go on there you go i did it did you hear that little bot little borrower what do you mean little borrower i imagine that's how lulu burps

no she does it like well that that's how Lulu burps. No, you know when Dumbo gets drunk? Yeah. That was like that. Alright, alright. That's horrible. Sorry everyone, that's disgusting, isn't it? I prefer your little cute burps. Thanks, mate.

That's like when young people are in an early relationship it's just like the cutest way she burps and you're just thinking, that's fucking disgusting. Oh, by the way, just so you know, in. It's just like the cutest way she burps and you're just thinking, oh, it's fucking disgusting. Oh, by the way, just so you know, in two years you'll fucking hate the way she burps. That'll be the worst thing she does and it'll make your skin itch. But yeah, lap it up now, lapdog.

How are you, Rob? How are you? I'm all right. I'm very much looking forward to Christmas. I've got... There's so much juggling In December for me I know there is for everyone

You're doing circus skills On Rob and Romesh Circus skills I have been doing circus skills Well Well basically Bit of a joke I'm literally

Was that just a pun? It was just a joke About so much juggling It was just Oh no no I've literally been doing juggling Oh well there we go Like Well The Rob and Romesh Christmas special it was just oh no no I've literally been doing juggling oh well there we go like

well the Rob and Romesh Christmas special is the circus oh well there we go I performed at Zippo Circus on Sunday

and you'll see that on Sky Max or Sky One whatever it's called soon so yeah but no but for me obviously with kids

December's busy anyway isn't it because you have a lot of stuff planned if you're going panto and all that kind of Christmassy things. Plus, you need to see all the family. And luckily, a lot of my family are local,

but some people, you know, travel around the country. But also, it's both my daughter's birthdays in December. Oh, mate. Right slap bang in the middle. I love shagging in March. I love shagging in March. I just love it. I just sort of get a bit, you know,

a couple of the layers are coming off. It's warming up a bit. Once you see a bag of mini eggs. i'll see a cream egg it's time it's time i start creaming eggs that's what i'll say anyway i think that's the laddiest thing we've ever said i'll start creaming eggs but i think it's sort of following on from our burping competition what has this podcast become right let's get rid of it measure our dicks. Let's go. But yeah, so their birthdays are in the middle. So then we have,

I always try and like book off their birthdays from work. So I do that. But then if they have parties as well, it's hard to book that off as well because... Oh yeah, you're looking at four days. Exactly. And then on top of that, and we do a lot of our filming in December and stuff. And there's loads of, you know,

there's cool pretty Christmas parties. So it's really busy. I think we said this before, so I'm sort of not on a fucking whinge, but it's really busy. So I'm a bit all over the I'm not going to fucking whinge, but it's really busy. So I'm a bit all over the place. And also it's nativities as well. Of course.

So you've got, that's another day off or morning off. Yeah, you're doing that for Robin Romesh as well, aren't you? I'm not doing that for Robin Romesh.

But I went to my, so I missed my six-year-old's nativity, who's in year one now. Yeah. I missed hers last year. We actually watched it on Zoom and me and Lou both cried it was quite a bad day actually

but a lot worse things happened in the old Panny D but we missed that was really upset by it so I went to she's in year one now which means she was singing like a line of a poem

or speaking a line of a poem delivering how do you do a poem? performing performing I suppose performing a line of a poem with her class and also singing

with her class and singing in a big group right so you go and watch that i went in and watch that um you've got your masks on watching it which i understand they've got to do that but i think i would prefer everyone has to do a lateral flow test and then masks are optional because i do think because there's there was the year ones and year twos and reception. And I think if they're performing just to BDIs, it's really off-putting. So I did a couple of... BDI were there? Yeah, no Liam Gallagher, just the backing band. Just the backing band.

Fuming with his new success. But no, so it's a bit BDI. I did break my mouth cover a couple of times to flash my daughter a smile to show her that I was thinking it was great. But also, that was really good. The teachers at the end at the end all said you know like you can give a quick smiles because i think i know obviously you've got to be covid safe but also you can't leave children wondering all day if they think they've been shit because all they can see is their parents eyes me and you know what that's like rob i know it's debilitated isn't it so i was really

happy they did that because as soon as they did that all the kids lit up and they enjoyed it and so that was good you didn't do anything that other people do after we've done a gig that would get in her head like go you know did you enjoy that do you think that went well how do you think that line of the poem went okay no i didn't yeah she was brilliant and it was great and she really enjoyed it and i think it's just good for kids to start performing in front of people just to get confidence so that was great a couple of things um the nativity so we saw my daughter singing songs and all that and the nativity came out and it was the reception class and the nativity is a long production if your kid's not in it oh mate yeah you're just some weird bloke watching other people's kids because the reality is five six seven

four five they're not really cute anymore unless they're yours are they they're just another living thing that's going to be in your way on the tube in about 10 15 years time could you could you leave i couldn't leave because my daughter what they do is they they sort of leave your children on the side like bait that you think oh they might pop up again and sing another song yeah yeah of course but they don't and you know they don't but you can't walk out yeah of a product it was a good one it was was Humph, the camel. So whoever played Humph got a few laughs. Oh, nice. Because basically Humph just goes, Humph. But it was really good.

It was lovely to see the kids doing that. I did lose it slightly, though, and this is probably tricky for me to say because I don't know if there's any tears of laughter. There was a girl in the performance, I'm not going to say what year she was in, but she looked exactly like josh whittaker aka you and i couldn't think of anything else as it was happening guilty as charged rob

let's let's just put it this way around 2014 i didn't i head down to uh to southeast london oh no i thought you said that you snuck in and performed it and you said that was your daughter oh yeah it could have been yeah i don't know I was trying to go back to our laddie podcast. Oh, yeah. Because we're the new Joe Rogans, really. We are, aren't we? Yeah. You know, apart from, you know, we're not muscly,

but we've got hair. It is weird, that other kids thing. Like, so my daughter's obviously, she was in a class with all the kids at nursery that I knew. And then you'd get... So I don't know, well, you'd get an email

where it'll be like the description of their day and there'll be loads of photos of what they've done so you get that every day and it used to be great because you're just like

Is that on Firefly or something like that? It's on Tapestry Tapestry we got Tapestry or something It's a good market to be in if you corner that

Tapestry you must be coining it in What have you got? I've got apps for schools to share photos of the kids with the parents. What a fucking goldmine. Oh, mate.

And here we are, plugging away with our stupid little podcast like a couple of losers. Doing little burps at 8am. Pair of pricks. Can I explain what the current schedule is in our house? Yeah. Afternoon chocolate not gone down as well as you thought.

I'm getting in. You felt very confident about that last time I spoke to you. I get in about midnight or 1am. Lou's done the long shift in her own shed. I think at the moment, Lou's having the harder end of the deal here because she's trying to sort Christmas out, run the house and look after the two kids and the dog. And I'm just going to work.

And you're fucking around in a circus tent. Yeah. Doing little burps in the shed on a podcast. So we're both at full pelt at the moment, right? But what we're doing at the moment is, because the dog normally gets up about six, but the dog's been getting up a little bit earlier for a piss, right? The dog's been getting up about five or five, right?

Lou gets up, takes the dog out for a piss, sometimes stays down there, sometimes comes up to to bed but normally he's up from six absolutely it's up with the dog right so the kids start waking up at six but we've been trying to even half five the kids been waking up so they've been going into my room because we've told them they're not allowed to go downstairs till seven i don't know why we invented this we're all just trying to get hoping that they'd sleep in longer so now what happens now so as soon as lou goes down at six the cat have i told have I told you this story about the cat? So the,

basically the cat comes in and sits on my head. Oh yeah. You've said the cat sits on your head. I didn't realise that was a long-term strategy from the cat. I thought it was a one-off. Well, no, yeah.

And I, I cannot be clearer with my views on the cat in the bed. Yeah. Essentially, it'd be the equivalent of you every morning coming to my front door and I scream, fuck off, Josh, in your face and push you off the doorstep.

But you continue to turn up every what is what is wrong with cats? So we know that we know that sort of morning stuff. But now the added bonus is I feel, oh, this is great. They get a little bit of Lego. So in the morning they can do a bit of Lego sort of like, you know, it's a puzzle. It's fun. It's good for their brains. You know, it's a puzzle. It's fun.

It's good for their brains. No, all that happens is at 6 a.m., two children, one after another, come to my room with a little plastic bag of Lego that looks like festival drugs. And they go, Daddy, help me build. In the pitch black without instructions. And then cry if I can't do it. Oh, God. And I'm half asleep. So now I've got 24 days in a row of building Lego at 6am.

Mate, is chocolate that bad? Is chocolate that bad after all, Rob? No, give them chocolate. Send them downstairs with a choccy. So yeah, it's been a disaster. And then Lou's fucking done me again. You know I was giving her shit for the chocolate in the afternoon, right? And she pulled me up on that, by the way.

She's got a book event, which is like... Different book each day? Well, basically, she did it last year, and she wrapped them all up. So you get 24 Christmas books. You wrap them all up. For the kids? Oh, right.

Sorry, I thought you meant for Lou. Sorry. No, no, no. For the kids. She's got a wine one, the sicko. 24 bottles of red wine. She's got a problem. Anyway, yeah, exactly.

But she's happy. She goes to sleep early, slurs a bit, and then she's up at five rearing to go. She's got a problem. Anyway, yeah, exactly, but she's happy. She goes to sleep early, slurs a bit, and then she's up at five rearing to go. She's functional. Anyway, so I've got,

she's got his book vent, so you open all the books and then you read a Christmas story to him every morning. Isn't that better? And they love it all before bed.

That's much better, isn't it? I'm thinking about releasing it as a product next Christmas. Yeah, that is good. The book vent.

The Lou Beckett book vent. Yeah, that is a good product, Rob. Yeah, I might do that next year, get Lou on it it but it comes in a little box with book vent written on it a little bit of ribbon or christmasy stuff and it sits on the side looks christmas one day it's your book one day they're reading yours what a class act yeah oh that's funny you know

talk if you like a bit of book plug in i did big fat quiz of everything yeah you know it's on channel four end of the year and then it was a bit where someone reads a chapter from it, or like a couple of lines from a book, you had to guess the book. Obviously, you just guessed mine every time, even though it was Lord of the Rings. Of course. Lovely. Great bit of PR.

And they can't cut that out. That's my answer. They can't cut it out, Rob. They can't cut it out. They can't cut it out, Josh. So, and are you doing Elf on the Shelf, Rob? No, I'm not doing Elf on the Shelf. Because it's a fucking pain in the ass.

That's why I tried to stitch you up with it. You've got to do it one year. When to order it, Rob? Yeah. Delivery, 21st of December. What is the fucking point in that? Absolute mad. Sort your stock levels out, you pricks.

Come on. They don't go off either, do they? 21st of December? Why not just say delivery next November? There's literally no need. Well, we're basing it on the delivery, on the orders we got in September and October. We didn't have this many, so...

Seems odd. Seems strange. How many of them are they getting out the door for 21st of December? What is the need? 21st of December... Oh, my God. We've probably got one in a box somewhere.

I can... But it is fun for a bit you've got to do one year I'm going to do it next year I'll tell you I'll have one Rob because it's arriving late December

you've got to do it for those last three days last three days look who's here we're going to go and get a tree tomorrow but we had a very oh by the way

what do you do about a tree fake or real have we had this discussion well we go real but we went too early one year, and it was a sad sight. Well, that's the thing. We like going early with decorations, but if you go early with a real one, you're screwed.

I love the smell of a real, Rob. Hate carrying the real. Hate carrying the real. And you're probably some sort of East London street litter, aren't you? Just throw it in the road at the end of the year. Is that what you do? Yeah, and also I buy it off a dealer down an alleyway as well, Rob, because sort of East London sort of street litterer, aren't you? Just throw it in the road at the end of the year. Is that what you do? Yeah, and also I buy it off a dealer down an alleyway as well, Rob,

because it's East London. But yeah, no, we've got actually, we went fake, but if you spend a bit of money on fake, apart from the smell, you can't tell the difference. Yeah, just pop a couple of those car air fresheners on it, no one can tell the difference. It's pre-lit. It's pre-lit.

No wrapping it with lights. Oh. It's good. Oh, that's good. I'm just saying, and I'd say it's expensive, but, you know, lights oh it's good oh that's good I'm just saying and I'd say it's expensive but you know

if you're buying a real one every year after about 8 years you get your money back I'm such a dad but I love there's a Christmas tree place in Victoria Park

and we go there and you feel like you're in a Hallmark movie oh I don't want to be in a Hallmark movie I want to be indoors lit pre-lit

Josh Josh by 2030 I'll be making a profit off that tree. I'll look at it like an investment. That'll be my Bitcoin. That's my Ethereum. Also, I imagine, Rob, the old Wokerati. I imagine it's probably better.

How have they not been called that? You've got to call them that on last leg. No, I think they are called that, aren't they? On the GB News or something. I think that. The bloody Wokerati. I'm sure that's a phrase that... Yeah.

Yeah, I imagine it's much better to have a fake tree. Do you know what I mean? Because I am sacrificing a tree every year. Well, yeah, it can't be good for the environment, can it? Chopping down a tree. But then, you know, and then I am reusing a plastic tree. Exactly. You're getting the most out of the plastic.

And I'll tell you what, Rob. With a fake one, I bet it's easier at the base. I'm already dreading the fucking base. Oh, there's no sloppy, wet, smelly base. Oh.

You don't want a smelly bottom. And our cats drink from the base. Oh, they'll have horrible poos as well. Oh, no, you don't want that. But yeah, and also, we didn't want a real one with a dog licking it out. I'm sorry, a kid licking the wall.

Look, Rob, there's some things we don't share on. But yeah, and also we didn't want a real one of the dog licking it out. Sorry, what? Look, Rob, there's some things we don't share on this, okay? Oh, God. I feel so sexy all of a sudden. I'm like, I'm in March. It's a horny near April 4th. Bloody hell. Is it Lent? Because I've got hard on. Block out

December. There's a new baby in town. So, I put up a message on my Instagram stories. I can't even remember what it was, but it was very early in the day. Yeah. And no one engaged with the content of the message, but... Oh, no one's engaging with your content, Josh. All I got was, what time did you wake up this morning? 4.15?

Did you wake up at 4.15? You're up at 4.30 this morning? People really tapped into that being my life now, Rob. Because we went to the Christmas lights in Kew Gardens. Oh, yeah? At Kew Gardens? That's a bit of a stretch from you, isn't it? Yeah, it's where Rose's mum lives.

She lives in southwest London. So we went... Oh, that's an hour drive in it or train it's an hour and a half with traffic or an hour without so you drove and it's a long drive and so what time did you go well me and there's a antiques market near rose's mum's house so me and rose we drove down at like seven in the morning dropped our daughter off with rose's mum then we went to the market oh that's nice yeah nice. Yeah, had a lovely day at the market. And so you've got the baby with you?

Got the baby with us. Yeah, and that's nice. She gets a bit of nan time and all that. Yeah, lovely. So you've got... Oh, that's nice. Yeah, very nice. And then...

7am's an early... So pre-Rush Hour you drove to South West London. Well, it was Rush Hour by the time we got in because we left at 7am. We were meant to leave at 6.30, Rob. 6.30? For a day out? Yeah, you've got to remember, we've been up two hours by that point, so it's fine. You arrived for a bit of lunch? What did you have for lunch at 8am?

Ploughmans. Nice ploughmans, yes. Nice ploughmans. Right, yeah, so you've dropped the daughter off. Yeah, Rose's mum took her around the park, which was a very good... She gets a lot of park trips, didn't she, your daughter? Yeah. Which was a very good thing for her to do.

Although, there's an argument before a 75-minute walk around Christmas lights where you can only go in one direction. She was putting a lot of miles in her legs, should we say. Pre-marathon 5K. Yeah. Pre-marathon 5K. Yeah, pre-marathon 5K. Just get loose, get loose. Yeah.

You love, you love taking her outside near grass. Chuck her in a soft play, mate. There isn't a soft play near me. Has she ever been soft play? Yeah, she's been to soft play.

Has she been to soft play? I don't know. She could be like Mowgli, she's only ever been to soft play. Has she been to soft play? I don't know. She could be like Mowgli. She's only ever been in a park. She doesn't understand heating. I'll be honest with you, Rob. She's not got that much interest in the park. We take her out

because we feel we should take her outside the house. She's mainly interested in pepper pig and drawing. Yeah, for sure. Okay, so she's gone to the park while you're at the Antiques Market. Yeah. So then afternoon passes by, comes to do the Christmas lights. for sure okay so she's gone to the park while you're at the antiques market yeah so then afternoon passes by comes to do the christmas lights we go there obviously we're late so what

times of christmas because it's obviously got to be dark so what book for five you book they're 20 minutes 20 minute arrival slots yep and it says if you don't make your slot you're not coming in and let's be honest we all know that's bullshit. They're not turning people away at the Kew Gardens Christmas lights. Oh, no. There's no one there that's going to enforce that.

It's not O'Neill's at midnight. Exactly. So we turn up. Some little National Trust nerd with glasses on. Excuse me, you've missed your slot. Have I?

Fucking stop me. Bowl through, innit? That's what I do. Yeah, of course. You don't even have a ticket. It's like, you're like that guy with the flare up his arse

at Wembley, aren't you? I'll show you a Christmas light, mate. Excuse me, sir, have you got a flare up your arse? Yeah, yeah, where's yours? Is it Christmas or not? What are we doing here?

We're just walking around here without a flare up my arse, come on. That should be a new phrase. I'll pull your socks up, stick a flare up your arse, mate on. That should be a new phrase. I'll pull your socks up, stick a flare up your arse, mate. Come on. Let's get going.

I'll have one out of my mouth in a minute as well. Let's go, double end me. Yeah, double end me. That's too far. This is the laddiest episode we've ever got. Oh, mate, I'm going to do it. Michael, just don't choose double end me as the title of the podcast, ideally.

Just call it two top shaggers having a catch up. Yeah, two top shaggers having a catch-up. Yeah, two top shaggers burping and having a catch-up. Oh, sorry, Josh. So you got there, what time did you get there, then? Well, the parking. There's no parking, but we were driving there. So you have to park a car park that they've got,

which is a 15-minute walk from the place. You've already got 75-minute walks, haven't you? I'm putting more miles in her fucking legs. She's at the exact age where she's too old, she won't go to the pram anymore. Too heavy to carry. But too heavy to carry. So she's walking. Guy directs us, we get lost on the way there,

walking around this pond that's outside outside the National Archives for some reason. You've got to do these things first thing in the morning. I know you can't do Christmas lights up. You can't. Or get in really early before it's come up. Lights come up. You should have got up there at five. Wait a week. You know, obviously better waiting around since

breakfast, but then you're there at five. Oh God, Christmas lights panic me. I hate Christmas lights for the kids. Go on. So she's really getting aggro now, my daughter, as we're walking there. Rose is panicking. Rose is saying, they're not going to let us in. Which is the eternal discussion me and Rose have.

If we're ever late for anything, like a doctor's appointment, she'll go, well, they're not going to see us. And I use my phrase, my always phrase, we're not the first people that have ever been late it'll be fine, I reckon we've had this discussion 200 times Lou does that to me and she panics a little bit about that and do you know what Lou does that really annoys me

if we go somewhere that we've both never been. I'm looking forward to next week when you go, I've had a bit of blowback from Lou on that comment I made about what annoys me. No, she knows this annoys me and it's a fair one to be fair, this is not me just being laddy and moaning No, no, she knows this annoys me and it's a fair one, to be fair. This is not me just being laddy and moaning about my wife because it's the laddy episode

and she's got plenty of things. The laddy episode. The laddy special. We'll go to a restaurant or a pub or somewhere we've never been before and she'll go to me, Rob, where are the toilets?

And I go, it's not a bank job. I've not had the fucking plans for a week. What do you think? I don't know. Just smell shit and walk towards it. Like, just ask. I don't. I've not had the fucking plans for a week. What do you think? I don't know. Just smell shit and walk towards it. Like, just ask.

I don't, I've not been here. Sorry, guys. So you're walking around, so you're going to be late. Yeah. And you're upset and tired before the walk. My daughter is. I'm keeping, trying to keep an even keel. Is your mother-in-law there as well?

Yeah, she's keeping an even keel. Perfect, great. Rose is saying that we're not going to be allowed in that's great i love having a row my wife in front of her mum i don't know about you that's my that's my favorite time to have a row with my wife it's actually quite helpful because her mum always takes my side now oh really no not in front of rose but once she's gone we can pull you and go yeah yeah you're right you're right the best thing about that is I know Rose is listening. So I'm just saying that to annoy her.

That's the beauty of it. It doesn't even happen. I'm just saying it to annoy her. Or does it happen? We'll never know. We'll never know. So then there's another couple with pushing two kids in buggies. And then I'm like, are you going there?

We'll follow you. So we're walking with them. And my daughter's really kicking off by this point. She's got too many miles in her legs. She already wants to go home. I take a chance. I think I'll just go on the black cab app, see if there's a black cab.

One is two minutes away and he's on his way to us. And so I say to this couple... To drive through Kew Gardens? No, just get us there. It's a 10 minute walk.... To drive through Kew Gardens. No, just get us there. It's a 10-minute walk. No, not to drive through the gardens. Get the hell, mate. It's a bit bougie there. Kids diving out the way, like Colin McRae Rally.

We've got the 75-minute walk done in 10 minutes. Exactly. Did you see the lights? Not really. Looked like blood. Never mind. Off we go. So anyway, I have to say to this couple, you go on ahead.

I don't want to tell them I've got a black cab obviously oh you rat you little beggar you go on ahead guys we're just dealing with my daughter yeah

black cab turns up we get in and you know like on an app when you get in and that's the first time they see where the destination is yeah

and he's like that's the destination mate you can award that he's absolutely eff that's the destination. Mate, you can award that. He's absolutely effing livid, Rob. Really? Yeah. Come on, it's a fair. I mean, it's £4, but it's a fair.

Well, they have to have card machines and apps now, and they have to start paying tax. I know, but I tipped him 15%, Rob. I tipped him a bit more out of guilt, but he was fuming. Livid. Absolutely livid. But it was our only option anyway we pull up outside the thing get out the black cab and there's the couple just crossing

the road in front of us see us getting out of the black cab absolute absolute humiliation at the same time at the same time yeah oh god but that annoys me about cab drivers because i'm like okay it isn't a long journey but it doesn't mean you're not allowed another job for an hour no exactly and i've just taken you back to a hub of people who are trying to leave Kew Gardens. Yeah. You get another job. Yeah, anyway, how much was a cab journey then? £4.

But I tipped him 15% as well. That's sweet, sweet 15% something. Yeah, which was another 50p. £4. It's about three quid just on the meter getting in. That's it. But anyway, on the meter getting in. Cheers. But anyway, we then get into the Christmas lights. I've never known a family to be this upset before entry.

Yeah. So we start walking around. My daughter is flagging badly early on. Sugar? Go for sugar? Yeah, we buy her some churros. Yeah, yeah. A big old carb coma. She says she wants to eat them sitting down oh there's no seats rob anywhere and the problem is she's then going i

want to go home i want to go home but you're locked in it it's as as my mother-in-law said it's like ikea it's a one-way system so So you've got to... So the only way through is to walk... Is to finish it. Oh, God. What do you do, shoulders? She wouldn't do any of it. She wouldn't be picked up. She's just complaining.

She's been awake for 14 hours at this point. Yeah, exactly. Out of nowhere, we come to a place that's selling chips. A chip shop. A chip... Well, I wanted to say a chip shop, but it was like a stall selling chips. Yeah, a Christmas market stall. A chip... Well, I wanted to say a chip shop, but it was like a stall selling chips. Yeah, a Christmas market stall.

A Christmas market stall selling chips. Because I think a Christmas market is basically normal food that you'd buy, but two quid more expensive. Exactly. Two quid. Two quid's generous. So I paid five quid for a fucking hot chocolate, mate.

Five quid. Five quid. That's more than the taxi. He needs to jack it in and start selling hot chocolate. Come on, Matt. You're in the wrong game. I said to him, you're in the wrong game. Get some marshmallows.

Get a bit of squirty cream. Clean up. So you got the chips? The transformative effect of the chips was like nothing I've ever seen. Suddenly, everything was right with the world. Blimey. And that night was like parenting, because then the next half hour was completely magical. Oh, really?

Yeah, I know. Disappointing for this podcast. This is a story of hope. Yeah. And then it was amazing. But that's what parenting's like, isn't it? Like, is it hell or it's amazing? Like, there's no... no like so you're having

these magical moments and you suddenly forget all the awful bit or when you're having an awful bit you forget the magical moments you never you can never get perspective

on both of them and it can turn on a sixpence it just instantly on a portion of chips exactly that 15 pound portion of chips

has changed your day yeah and we had this amazing time, and I'd highly recommend the Kew Gardens Christmas lights. It was brilliant. And then we left, and then the moment we started the walk back to the car, it was back to her legs hurting. Of course.

Of course. No taxis this time. And instantly, I forgot the magic. Instantly, it was the worst night of my life again what so another hour and a half drive home so what time did you get in well this is the beauty rob we got in at 9 p.m it's a late one it's a late one she got nursery the next day yeah but that wasn't that wasn't the that wasn't the uh one. Got in at 9pm. It only bloody knocked my baby's sleep. No way.

Yeah. If you've got a baby that's waking up at 4am, get to the fucking Christmas lights. So what time did he wake up? Six. Wow. Okay, that is mega. And yesterday he did 5.15, Rob.

5.15? Now that's good. No, he's going back. No, he did 5.15 again today. He's knocked into the fives, Rob. 5.15. Now that's good. No, he did 5.15 again today. He's knocked into the fives, Rob. The glorious fives. I thought it was only a dream, but I'm living

in a world where I'm getting up after 5am now. I'm living it. You know it's 8 minutes past and you're rounding up. It was 10 past today, yeah. But I'm living a post 5am world. Okay, so you're rounding up it was 10 past today yeah but like but i'm living a post 5 a.m world so you okay so you're in a post 5 a.m because i think you know 7 a.m is the ultimate dream yeah right but you know but six i think everyone will happily accept you take a six i don't think anyone

should be complaining in the sixes no you're not're not complaining. If you're in the sevens, I think you should feel guilty. Yes, I think you should. And shame. Yeah. And if you're at eight o'clock, pull yourself together. You've got to go to school. Sort your life out. Eight o'clock, you mad bastard.

Seven o'clock is the ideal. Six, you can moan a little bit, but you know you're living on an easy street. Five is awful, but acceptable. 4.30 is the end of your life yeah I'd say that is perfect and I look forward to that t-shirt being made with the descriptions of the wake up times and what they mean

because that absolutely sums up the experience of every parent but so now the pressure's on you need him to hold that 5.10am I don't want to have to go to the Christmas lights once a week to reset them. It might be worth it.

It was hell on earth for 80% of the time. But 20% of it was the most magical Christmas moments of my life. Well, we're going to that Lapland place in Ascot, the Christmasy place.

So I'll report back on that. But that's a daytime thing. We're going on a Saturday morning. Oh, lovely. So I'll let you know what that's like. That's supposed to be nice. Right, we should have some Instagrams before we do Small Business Shower.

Let's do. I think, I don't know if we covered this, the vulva and vagina debate we had. We had lots of messages when we was talking about vaginas. Basically, lots of messages, but short and swift. Vulva outside, vagina inside. Right. Which sort of feels like some sort of discriminatory sort of pub policy. Yes.

Vulvas outside, vaginas in. Off you go. I think this is a tired story, Josh. You like these? Oh, these are my favourite. Hi, Rob and Josh. Before Pay Up Pump, when my kids were smaller, they all fell asleep coming home from school slash nursery, and I needed needed petrol so I thought it was the perfect time to get it as I didn't need to

get them all out of their car seats yet this is a nightmare when you need to get petrol but your kids are awake in the car it's a nightmare getting them in and out and you but you can't leave them so I'll get out of the car and by habit I locked it and went to get the pump and put the petrol in and the cover wouldn't pop oh that's what i see the other day isn't it yeah i stood looking bewildered pushing the cover and starting to panic as i was on fumes very embarrassingly i was so tired i started to cry and a very frightened looking bloke asked if i was okay i blubbed out some i blabbered out some sort of reply and he said shall i force it open for you i said yes he went to his van and got

some sort of tool and snapped the lock part of the cover oh no oh no just as he did it literally as he snipped it i realized it wouldn't open as the car was locked so josh you're not the only one oh god at the time oh my god i at the time i had twins aged 18 months and a five and a half year old so my only excuse was tiredness. Imagine going home to tell your partner that as well. Oh, yeah, we need a new petrol cap. What happened? I don't know, probably just hooligans.

Local thugs. Do you know, I've had to move my car. Oh, this is so boring. I've had to move my car off my road, Rob. Oh, why? Because they're installing extra fast broadband oh I can't wait extra fast

they were trumpeting some fibry cable do you know what I mean trumpeting well BT I know there's BT because my holiday mate works at BT oh there we go yeah yeah still in touch yeah actually I'm seeing him next week

oh yeah I'm going to drink in London because the other one's down from Newcomen Hawaii the lads you meet up all three of you yeah

he's in London he went do you want to go for a drink I was like yeah go on it's quite nice meeting sort of like holiday mates

because there's no baggage you sort of just talk about excuse me so you sort of just chat about oh I want a holiday fun where sometimes you meet up with your own mates oh god you've got to wait your divorce again have we fucking yeah do you know i mean it's just also quite free and easy holiday banter what topics do you think

you'll cover how much do you think you'll cover i think it's gonna be a huge nostalgia trip of the holiday do you think yeah remember that few in jokes from the lads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're called the 10.30 club. Because that's what time we used to meet in the lobby to go for drinks. Yeah. I'm called the 4.15 club. Me and my baby are in it. Anyway, so I don't know what I was saying. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, BT

have promised the government that they're going to install super fast broadband to every home in the country by a certain date. Oh, well, they're doing me at the moment, Rob. They're doing me at the moment. They're doing you. So where's the car? I had to park it. I'm not actually that far away. It's not that bad.

As soon as I brought it up, I thought I shouldn't have brought this up. Even for this podcast, this is slight. How far is it? What's the walk? Do you get a cab? Four quid cab to it? I would say it is a minute walk. Okay, that's not too far. It's not good enough. It's not good enough as an anecdote. Not good enough as an anecdote, Josh.

It's not. It's simply not good enough. Simply not good enough. You wouldn't get that on bloody, you know. What? I was going to say off-menu. I don't know why. Yeah, go on.

What do you want me to start? They'd be too busy asking whether someone likes a fucking crouton or whatever they do. Too busy Ed Gable trying to work out who the weird sort of culty person James has booked. So which American sitcom, Ian? Ed Gable just desperate for Gordon Ramsay. Um, right. I listened to an episode.

I was slagged off in it three times. Was you, pair of c***s? What did they say about you? They described my Who Do You Think You Are episode as boring. Well, that's all of those shows, isn't it, really? I'm joking. That was interesting, Josh. No, no.

I know it's Bantz. I know it's Bantz. I know it's Bantz, but they didn't know I was going to hear the Bantz. That's what's weird about it. They've been doing this the whole time. What else they been sad about you? I listened to it because I heard Jack D slagged off Ivo, so I wanted to hear it.

Oh, what did he say about Ivo? A bunch of little bitches, aren't you, you lot? He told me... You must have heard the story about when Ivo supported Jack D. No, I haven't. You heard this. Well, so Ivo was supporting Jack D. Yeah.

Ivo Graham, this is, it's been on the show. Yeah, yeah. Ivo went on and then he came off and it was the break and he said to the guy at the theatre, I want to get some dinner and then I'm going to watch Jack. What's, what are the takeaways around it? And the guy said, the only thing around it is an Indian. And he's like, oh, well, do you know what? I'm going to watch Jack. What's the takeaways around it? And the guy said, the only thing around it is an Indian. And he's like, oh, do you know what? I'm going to treat myself.

So he went out, didn't tell Jack, bought like a full Indian. So like curry, rice, naan, poppadoms, the works. Yeah. Came back. Jack went on. Ira set up a table at the side of the stage with his chair, had his full Indian while he listened to the show in the wings. So he sat and had an Indian takeaway in the wings of a theatre?

Yeah. Not in the dressing room? No. That is mental. Halfway through, Jack stops the show and goes, can anyone smell copper soup? And loads of people in the audience were like, yeah, we can smell it. And Ivo's Indian had... he's heckling him with smell

yeah his smell had infected into the whole theatre anyway Jack D was slagging off Ivo based on that story so I listened because I wanted to hear what Jack D said and they just slagged me off

what else did they say about you mate I can't even remember. It was all good fun, isn't it? It was all good fun. It was all good podcasting bants, isn't it? It's all good laughing when your mates slag you off. Anyway, I've got another Instagram, then we'll do small business shout.

We need to do a catch-up special of Instagrams. Well, let's do purely who we got on Friday. We got Ugo Monyo on Friday. Beforehand, I'm going to tell you, the well is dry of anecdotes with me. We'll do pure Instagrams and emails. One last exotic location one. Here we go. Last week you asked about where people are listening from.

Well, I live in a small village under Mount Etna in Sicily. Oh. Called Sant'Alfeo. A population of 1,400 people and me, the crazy English lady, who is giggling listening to your podcast in the car. I have two children but much older now, a 20-year-old daughter who's at university in Kent studying law

and a 14-year-old son who's just started high school here in Sicily. Oh, wow. Listening to you both makes me laugh. As children get older, the problems just get different. Oh, fuck off, Jane. Sorry, Jane. Don't drop that on me from your mountainside villa. Fuck's sake.

I need hope. Sorry. That really just came out. No, it's fine, Rob. It's fine. It's totally fine. I'm a tired boy. I'm a tired boy.

Right. Anyway, small business shout out. As it's been such a laddy episode, shall we redress the balance and go with the most stiff neck thing we've ever received? Let's go. Yeah, let's go a bit more hipstery and woke karate. Let's do that.

Hi, guys. Just wondered if you can give my awesome mate, small business, a shout out. At Boo-cha-cha. That's B-double-O-cha-cha-cha-A, C-H-A, Boo-Cha-Cha, is a service which supplies all the necessities to brew your own kombucha at home. Oh, yeah, because I've been waiting to do that. I knew you were the target market, Rob.

Yeah, I just had to work out what it was first, but now I know, I think. I want to brew it. Do you know what? There'll be a lot of people around my way who want buchacha it's so fun and healthy for mind and body find her on www.buchacha.co.uk and order yours thanks dean go on dean how many of them are they selling in southeast london kombucha i'm kombucha enough my nut as i speak mate i can barely pull a string sentence together what is kombucha? Is that the healthy gut stuff?

So it's a bit like it's got stuff in it that makes your stomach good. Yeah, I think so. Fermented. Rose's mum's big into it and Rose's mum's big into the gut. Okay, it's fermented and basically it's good for gut health. Yeah, yeah. Because it's big into the gut. Over Christmas, my guts are all over the place.

Get yourself some Boo-Cha-Cha at Boo-Cha-Cha, www.boocharchar.co.uk. What have you got for me? Right, I've got another shout out. This is a clothing company. This guy, I haven't got his name, actually. I can't remember his name. What's his name? His name's gone.

But anyway, he's this who um wasn't working much during the lockdown and started up a clove company called the third monkey the third monkey and his fitness clothes and i mean i mean he's a friend of a friend so actually i did get given one of the t-shirts this is why not i'm sharing this i don't want some sort of matt hancock abuse by giving contracts to pub landlords but no he gave me a t-shirt and it wanted to be fair i wear it quite a lot and it's a really good really good clothes and it's www.the the and then the the the number three rd for third monkey.com and you go on instagram and it's three rd full stop monkey and um yeah loads of stuff there's bubble hats there's t-shirts jumpers hoodies and stuff but it's all it's quite good i've got a couple and they're quite thin so they're quite good for exercise because they

look quite cool but they're not really heavy you know and i know i wear them on holiday as well actually it's quite it's good stuff to be fair are they helping you get ripped yeah it's great for my nips i just look so i just so tonking it but yeah third monkey clothes um yeah and go on their website there's loads of nice stuff stuff for Christmas presents and things like that. Right. Ooga Moony on Friday. It's a great one. Talking to people that are ripped. See you then.

Bye.