Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP44: Ugo Monye

Episode Date: December 10, 2021

S03 EP44: Ugo MonyeJoining us this episode to discuss the highs and lows of parenting (and life) is the brilliant former rugby player and now sports pundit, presenter, and most recently Strictly Come Dancing contestant - Ugo Monye Thanks to everyone who bought tickets for the live show in January - we sold in less than 15 minutes! If you want to be first in line for any potential future live dates, merchandise, and any additional show info then sign up to the mailing list here;parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Thanks - Rob and Josh xxxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Ezra, can you say Rob Bucket? Bob Bucket. And can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Whittacombe. Say it a bit louder. Josh Whittacombe.

Well done. Very strong, very strong. That's where they come. Well done. Very strong. Very strong. Oh, that was great. Surrey? Are they from Surrey? They are. It doesn't say.

Do include where you're from so Rob can guess. That was very confident and loud. I like that. That was very, I think that was one of the best. I've been a listener to your podcast from the beginning of lockdown while looking after my now three and a half year old, very energetic little boy, Ezra, who was so excited to say your names

that he then continued to shout them around the house for the next hour. That screamy devil child in the background is Amelie, 5.5 months. Your podcasts are keeping me sane in our two to three hourly night feeds. Oh my God. What do they have here? A buffet? She still insists on. So huge thanks for the laughs.

Love what you're doing. Thanks for making the feeds bearable. I am catapulting into being a classic dad, and it's happening so fast. I can't even. It's ridiculous. I'm even giving up on clothes. I just wear whatever's nearest. It's awful.

I look terrible my sneezes are getting louder which is a real sign i'm becoming a dad what about your ears my ears furry oh how are you doing in terms of um trimming hair around your head rob let me take you through the areas and tell me whether you need to trim it okay go on ears uh no sometimes a random long one i'm not for earlobes that i have to trim no i don't trim my ears at all i get the occasional long one same with nose occasional nose i have to go big on my nose you're a little hobbit boy aren't you yeah my eyebrows yeah it's like a fucking full-time job rob keeping them in check i'm no gallagher yeah they're insane I'm trimming my eyebrows about once a week that's

you're you are gonna look like I'm a maid in Chelsea going for a weekly haircut I cannot wait to see you I you're gonna be such a funny little old man your big old eyebrows there he is shuffling about coughing sneezing trying to get to your car scratching your head working out how to put petrol in it you would have a bath with a door in it. I wouldn't say no now, Rob. I wouldn't say no now. I think you know some people are a bit belligerent, like, I'm not going to be old, I'll keep doing that,

I'm going to go to nightclubs with my son. You're going to be like, yeah, give me the pipe and slippers. Mate, I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm already going. I don't want any part of youth culture, thank you very much. I don't like going out anymore. My house is too nice to leave. Yeah, I don't want any part of youth culture thank you very much i don't like going out anymore my house is too nice to leave yeah i don't want to i don't want to go out that's what i found out in lockdown going out is shit it makes me stressed and sad yeah everything's better

indoors look mate is it better oh are you watching if you watch this i'm watching a documentary on netflix or amazon sorry about the chippendales and a murder at the top of the chippendales in the 80s and if you can tell me a pub that's better than that i will be very surprised magic mike you might like magic mike as a night out if you're into that chippendales but it's murder yeah i'm not into it for the chippendales element of it not that there'd be anything wrong with that. It's a really fun documentary. Well, not fun. That's the wrong word. If you get to see a couple of hot bods, you know. Do you know what, Rob?

It looks like your look when you're 40. Yeah. I keep thinking, bloody hell, it's going to be mad when Rob Beckett looks like this. They're going to have to rename Magic Mike or Beckett at 40. That's what they're going to do. Talking of old being old and older parents, we've got a great boomomer Parent Instagram message here. Oh, yeah, yeah.

We're doing Instagrams today. Let's do them. Let's do Instagrams. This is Boomer Parents talking about things that your Boomer Parents did that is totally unacceptable now. Boomer. Boomer Parent. I like this.

This is going to be a great feature, this. I've been a listener to the podcast since the start, and I love it so much. It makes me laugh out loud every episode. This is my Boomer Parent story. I was about seven or eight years old born in 83 so about 1990 i love the way they set this scene this is great yeah that's the year i was born i'd been asking for a rabbit for months and months around comes my birthday and my dad

who i can add is the most lovely placid man ever said to me come on i'm taking you to get a rabbit i was so excited it's all i had ever wanted so off we go to get a rabbit we go to the local market and my mum starts asking where are we gonna get a rabbit here we take a turn and we are stood in front of a butcher who has a row of dead rabbits in front of him oh my god with looking like a rabbit with fur on head legs ears a lot my dad proceeds to order a rabbit and make me watch it be skinned and shot oh my god to take it home to make a stew i was distraught my mom went mental i've never eaten rabbit and it's and i'm still traumatized by it that is insane why are boomer parents so psychopathic and yeah yet I'm worried about, you know, whether she wears an Elsa dress.

Do you know what I mean? What impact that's going to have. Well, we remind my dad of this quite often. He tries to make out it wasn't as dramatic as we all claim. However, me and my mum remember it the exact same way. It wasn't as dramatic as we all claim. From Joe. That is remarkable.

And the thing is, that isn't even out of the ordinary. That's just, that's what all good parents did. Yeah. The bad, let's not get down what the bad parents are doing. That was a good boomer parent.

Can I just say, I haven't got an issue with her wearing an Elsa dress. My main issue is that she's got four of them and it's all she wants to wear. Fair enough. It sounded like I had an issue

with people wearing else addresses i just wanted to be clear on that okay hi rob and josh this is listening to josh's daughter's trip to the tape modern and it reminded me of the time i took my then two-year-old to the national gallery obviously it was something i wanted to do and i was hoping that he'd fall asleep in his push chair as he wandered about oh good luck instead i ended up legging it out of there at full speed as my son began to joyfully shout boobies boobies boobies

at many many nude pages yeah there are so many dicks and tits in that gallery that is Lisa with her boobie shouting son that is brilliant

boobies and that's like funny for a bit but in those places it's so quiet everyone will listen won't they yeah

my wife took us to another gallery but it went a bit better yesterday because there was more colourful pictures basically let's be honest

she's not appreciating art no just take her Piccadilly Circus if she likes bright things she just likes bright colours they love lights just love lights oh advice for Josh here

advice for Josh dream feed Josh I don't think this means you need to dream oh tried it tried it tried it this is because your son he's getting better

but he's waking up at 5 o'clock now not 4.30 which is fine now I'm living the dream yep okay keep telling yourself that dream feed saved me

and my partner they're all sleeping you sneak in at about 11pm and they should sleep till 7ish it's not hunger it's just his body clock

we've tried it it's not hunger it's not hunger it's not hunger Sam it's not hunger it's a hunger. It's just his body clock. We've tried it. It's not hunger. It's not hunger. It's not hunger, Sam. It's not hunger. It's hunger to be awake. I tell you that. It's that.

But sadly, thank you for the advice. Thank you. I don't mean to be so dismissive, but fucking tried it, mate. Don't think that it's not my first rodeo. I've got another one for you. Tried it. Toot, toot, toot, moo. This is drop a nap josh have you tried it yeah at six months i dropped all naps dropped all naps what that two two that two two moot finish

at six months i dropped all naps apart from one if they needed it and i got seven to seven the holy grail how many naps is he on at the moment? He's pretty all over the shop, if I'm honest with you, Rob. You've got to control that, mate. But when he naps well, it makes no difference. When he naps badly, it makes no difference. From what I can tell, whatever happens in the day makes absolutely no

difference. Okay. But that's just some advice, mate, if you wanted to say. Thank you. Thank you for your advice, everyone. Ah, here's a good advice, mate, if you wanted to take it. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for your advice, everyone. Right, ah, here's a good one, Josh. This could be advice for everyone. Hi, Rob and Josh.

Just wanted to share a quick parenting trick that I've invented. My nearly two-and-a-half-year-old has started... Just say two-and-a-half. By the time we read this out, there'll probably be about four. I just wanted to share a quick parenting trick that I invented. My nearly two-and-a-half-year-old had started being really slow when i asked her to do things like put on her coat or go for a bath get in the car etc etc i've started to say shall i put the song on she says yes excitedly and i proceed to play as loud as i can the benny hill tv theme oh that's the one i don't know why but it works a

charm every time she seems to spring into life and does why I ask, no problem. Unfortunately, though, she does dress in a bikini and chase old men. And I'm joking, I've added that.

It's also really funny to watch. Looking forward to our Spotify roundup at the end of the year and the recommended list is going to offer up after this one. Love the podcast. Please never stop.

Oh, yeah. They just think you love Benny Hill. Yeah. How about this how about more tired than Josh oh yes please hi Rob and Josh

really enjoying the tiredness stories thought I'd share mine it happened in the weeks after the birth of our first child Matty the stage

when they're waking up every three hours for feeding and burping day and night and your life revolves around that relentless cycle one night I realised I'd fallen asleep

while feeding him and forgotten to burp him. I sat bolt upright, grabbed him off my lap and in the pitch dark started trying to burp him. It wasn't working and I realised it did feel a bit awkward so I thought in my rushed and tired state I might have faced him the wrong way. I turned him around but he was even more awkward.

At a loss, I put him back down and turned the light on to see what on earth was going on. It took me a few seconds to process that Matty had vanished, but standing on the bed next to me, looking wide-eyed, dishevelled and confused, was our cat. She must have been sleeping on my lap and got the fright of her life.

Did she burp? I've never heard a cat burp. Have you ever heard a cat burp? You know what the email address is. If anyone's got a cat that burps, record it and we'll put it on. Yeah, why not? And we'll know if you're cheating and it's you. That's Ben from West Moseley.

Oh, thanks, Ben from West Moseley. Right, we've got... This one's a bit serious but funny, but we'll read it out. It's a nice one. Hi, guys. I'm listening to Series 3, Episode 25, and you mentioned kids learning about death. Well, I lost my mum to COVID in January. Very sorry to hear that um nick in chelmsford essex um obviously an extremely hard time and this is also my children's first experience with

death so even though i was going through a lot i wanted to try and hand it in the right way with them i told them that though their nan was now gone she wasn't truly gone and that she will always be with us watching over us and keeping us safe. I told my youngest daughter, Penelope, age five, that we can still talk to her like she is here and that she will hear us. So every now and then, Penny would say something out loud to her or look at the clouds and wave a toy in the air for her to see. I think that's quite nice, isn't it?

Lovely. Then one day, as I'm bathing her, I walk out of the room to grab a towel and she starts shouting, Stop looking at me naked, n starts shouting stop looking at me naked nanny stop looking at me naked this is my body and you shouldn't look at it side note it was summer and the windows were open with the neighbors in their garden funny but not the best thing for them to hear. Especially as we only just moved in about four months beforehand and they didn't know that my mum had passed away. Oh, my God. Love the podcast.

Thanks for the laughter. You had a really crap time. Love, Mick from Chelmsford, Essex. Thanks, mate. Thank you very much. That is a lovely way to go into Hugo Monyo. It's a good episode, actually, of Ugo. He's a top bloke.

Really great guy. Really enjoyed it. Rugby, we should do the intro here, really, because we don't really give him one on the show. Ex-rugby legend, very fast at running as well, which we discuss on the pod. And he's kind of now becoming quite a... He's on Question of Sport,'s he was on Strictly

TV personality he is transcended rugby and by that I mean I've heard of him and I don't like rugby yeah I know

he's got good banter as well for rugby because normally their banter is weak if you're worried if you're worried about

if you're worried we've said rugby don't turn off don't turn off it's better than you think it's gonna be trust us he's more of the

crouch end of things. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Right. Here's Hugo Monnier. Okay, Josh, do you want to do the intro? Why not? I mean, intro is a big word. Hugo Monnier, hello.

How are you? Really good. Thank you. How are you, lads? Good. We should keep in the bit where Rob says, Josh, do you want to do the intro? Like, I'm going to give you a keep in the bit where Rob says, Josh, do you want to do the intro?

Like, I'm going to give you a huge kind of, you may recognise him from, but we've done all that bit beforehand. Rugby legend. Question of the sport. Strictly all that. But we've already done that, so they know that. But it just feels a bit underwhelming when we go,

all right, Ugo, how's it going? No, I prefer it. I've always, it's embarrassing. And actually, it's like, people know you from, they're like, no, they actually don't care. They actually don't. They're wondering why I'm on this podcast. They're like, oh, right, okay. They're on this podcast whilst Googling me.

Do you know what I mean? And they're like, okay, it's not Chris Akabusi. It's not Jon Fashlew. Who's the other one? No, I don't know. I don't know this lad. I don't know him. He sounds like he should be working in fashion.

Did someone forget to add the H to the U-go? I don't get who this fella is. Have you got a number for John Fashioner while you're there? Have you ever met John Fashioner out of interest? I met him a few years ago. He's quite intense. He's quite a serious person. I mean, I don't know him intimately or personally,

but I met him at an event. Intimately? I'm not suggesting you slept with him, Hugo Monyer. I met him on Soccer M, and he just kept on talking about how massive his house was. And he kept on, I think he's got a house in Nigeria or somewhere. That's right. And he was going, guess how many toilets I've got.

Guess how many toilets I've got. I was like, I don't know, like six? He went, 18. 18? He's got 18 toilets. He's got a massive house. How bad's his diet? What's going on there?

I don't know. I love how having numerous amounts of toilets is the barometer of success. Like, it's not bedrooms. It's over it with their bedrooms, but toilets, apparently. He's only got three bedrooms, but 18 toilets. Ugo, can you give us a rundown? What's your set up, kids-wise? How many kids you got?

What's going on? I've got two kids, two girls, a proper girl dad. I've got my eldest daughter's Phoenix. She's four and a half and just starting a big girl school. And I've got Ruby, who's one and a half. And they're awesome. I mean, one and a half and they're awesome I mean they're troublesome but they're absolutely amazing as well

You did a dance for them on Strictly, you did a Moana dance didn't you? Because you thought that would go down well with them from what I could tell Yeah obviously just trying to get that just putting people's heartstrings because that's what's really important

Getting to the next week because there is a bonus for Blackpool Yeah, obviously, just trying to get that. So, I mean, just pulling people's heartstrings because that's what's really important. Yeah. Getting to the next week. Because there is a bonus for Blackpool, isn't there? That's what people don't talk about. You get a bonus to go Blackpool. These celebs don't just want to dance in Blackpool. They want the extra bunts for staying in.

Everyone's gagging to get to Blackpool. I'm like, I've never been to Blackpool in my life. And all of a sudden, there's a bonus. And I'm like, I need to get to Blackpool. I need to get to Blackpool in my life. And all of a sudden there's a bonus and I'm like, I need to get to Blackpool. But what was hilarious, so the dance I did was Moana. I played Maui in it. And I spoke to their producers and everything. And I was like, do you know what?

It's Phoenix's favourite dance. She just, she loves it. And I've got so many good memories of like early mornings and late nights, just watching her in my lap. So she came to the dance studio one afternoon. They captured a little bit of like early mornings and late nights just watching of her in my lap so she came to the dance studio one afternoon they captured a little bit of like me with her and I was like oh Phoenix guess what um song daddy's dance to this week and we had a couple of clues and um she went I was at Moana I was like yeah I said because Phoenix that's your favorite film she's like used to be okay we'll have to cut this um phoenix i'm going to ask this question

and you need to be overly excited okay so and then she gave the right answer in inverted commas and then so we could use some of the audio from it i had to say oh the rock's a great singer and what a great actor um so i had to say that line, oh, what a wonderful performer the rock is. And Phoenix went, I don't like him. So yeah, to say that I danced the dance for my daughters, I did, that was the intention. But the reality is I just wanted to get to Blackpool. Yeah.

And I'm sorry you didn't get to Blackpool. People ask you a lot, are you going to carry on dancing? I don't know. I've been able to manage avoiding ballroom dance for 38 years. Now I've done it for all of five weeks and get slated on national telly that I'm crap at dancing. Yeah. Yeah.

Will I continue? Yeah, probably. If there was five beside football happening at the same time as there was salsa i'm probably gonna do five inside football did they did they enjoy seeing you on it though your kids or they not bothered they were too young a little bit they loved it genuinely they loved it Like, for me, I played rugby for 14 years and I had kids after I retired. And I was always a bit like, I wish I had kids so they could watch me play. And during the pandemic, they were like playing old rugby matches, which I played and all the rest of it on telly.

And I was like, oh, Phoenix, what's this? This is daddy. Not bothered. Just not bothered. Like, I was more bothered than she was but then strictly because like my daughter Phoenix like loves dance and gymnastics and all that stuff and she loved seeing daddy on telly and yeah spoke about it at school and they played videos of like me dancing at school so it was like quite cool and I think I don't know the perhaps the stereotypical like version of a dad is like he's just a practical guy he like carries 10 loads of shopping on one trip and all that kind of stuff to me and I've got such a I am just a human climbing frame for them like I just yeah yeah it's wicked so it was nice to see daddy being just having fun and

yeah having that kind of cool vibe about it. What are you like as a dad? I imagine you as a fun dad because you're a laugh. Do you know what I mean? I can't imagine you as a kind of stern disciplinarian. No, I kind of flip between the two. That's how to keep them in line. Make them just be disciplined some days, other days let them do any old shit.

That's what you do. That's great for the kids, not knowing where to go what to do really keeps on their toes i guess if phoenix or ruby had to answer the question i think they'd say daddy was silly and daddy was fun like i am that human climbing frame i am like that portable um soft play that's what i am i just mess around want to have all the fun and everything else but then there's a part of me which I guess the household I was brought up in like mum and dad both Nigerian and stereotypically African households are pretty strict and I think I've definitely got that streak in me where I do want them to I guess just have all the kind of core

fundamental parts of a person you'd want anyone to have be respectful be disciplined all those kind of things so yeah in one sense I'm definitely that but more so so if I had to split it 80% I'm all the lulz all the fun I like to think and the other yeah I'm probably a bit sterner or a bit more disciplined focused than then Lucy their mum but like they're great kids not because of me because because lucy because she's been a phenomenal mum to them yeah and you was born here was your parents born here did they come come over here no they came over about 50 years ago um yeah so we got i got two brothers two sisters um so there's five of us now so all of us born

here yeah i've made it's mad did you did you ever get that threat of if you misbehaved and you go back with family in Nigeria? Because my wife taught in a school with a lot of Nigerian kids and that was the big thing of like, if you play up with your naughty, you go back to like your nan and granddad or your aunties back in Nigeria. That wasn't even the parents, was it?

That was the ultimate parent threat. That was what your wife implemented, Rob. The parents had no say in it. Your wife, Mrs Beckett, telling me I've got to go home to Nigeria. Yeah, exactly yeah i got sent out there for two months met some lovely people and came back a new boy just came back that was just your gap year do you mean it was quite a disciplined household we didn't mess around but then i guess my mum so mum and dad split up when I was like age 13 dad went back

to Nigeria and the only way my mum could have actually kept together a household was through discipline if she allowed us to do whatever we wanted mate it had been absolute carnage and chaos for her so she had to be strict yeah yeah like we we wouldn't step out of line and then I end up going to like boarding school which makes me sound like I'm one of these poshos I'm not like I went to boarding school private school but I'm not a private school boy so I guess discipline and conformity and all those kind of things has probably played quite a significant role in my life and I do see some of it like I guess come out in my parenting skills but not my day-to-day interaction with my kids no do you ever consider your kids going to boarding school oh one million percent see i've

like lived on both sides of the tracks i went to state school mate i've come from like council council house mate we moved about houses so much as like as kids that's just what i did and then i got an opportunity to go to private school not because we could afford it but there was a scholarship and that was um for dancing for dancing exactly yeah i just i just did a few steps a couple of roadblocks and i was in that's when you first picked up a rugby ball wasn't it in between salsa and foxtrot you was like what's this thing give this a launch about and before you knew it that was you was better at that so i did a tri celebration and it was the samba and they were like wow we should get you to arts and drama musical theater

like i can see you west end you know those hips didn't like so so what was it a proper posh boarding school and then proper like because there's private schools and there's the proper like the ones where they dress like monks and all that or was it why were they dressed like monks bro yeah i wore a bridgedale and a barber jacket age 13 to go to school wow that was uniform what that wasn't choice i take the nick out of adults for wearing that and it's fine like be whoever you want to be. But age 13, that was me. I was dressed like a cadet to go to school.

So what did all your brothers and sisters think of you? Because they obviously assume they weren't going there because they didn't get the scholarship or they did their own thing. But they must have thought you were ridiculous. They did get the scholarship eventually, but I was there first. And so you can imagine me like coming home,

getting washing done of a weekend. And they're like, why have you got so much army gear? And it's like, duh, it's a school uniform. You're waxing your barber jacket on a Sunday afternoon. Exactly. My brother's got puffer jacket Air Force Ones getting on a bus to go to school. I was like, the school didn't play football because they didn't play chav ball quote unquote oh really they call it chav ball yeah so i was like this is the world's biggest stitch up like i wanted to play

football and i've gone to a school there was like only there was only one other black kid at school I was like I'm a city boy I've moved to the country and I've got to dress up like I'm going to all ascot just to go to do like maths like what's going on so I was just like this I was like this is a stitch up but really it was it was the point in my life which changed my life was mad absolutely mad because i got i got to play rugby and i didn't want to play rugby but as a kid you just do things that other kids do because you want to fit in and have fun so i did so what was your scholarship for them was it for rugby or is it just no they had this thing called so um school's called lord wandsworth

college and they had this foundation scholarship, which was awarded to single parents. And I'll tell you what, they were way ahead of the time because only 7% of the population go to private school. Yes. So it really does speak to people with, you know, wealth, and that's it. And that's fine. You know, people have worked hard to earn money

to be able to support their kids. Unbelievable to do that, given the opportunity. But I also do wonder there'll be a lot of talented kids out there that don't have the wealth that denied the opportunity. And like the world isn't fair. That's fine. But I always tell the story. So when I played in the World Seven Series, I was like I was the fastest on the circuit. When I played in the premiership, I was the quickest in the premiership but at my state school i wasn't the quickest lad in my year oh really yeah but on the international circuit it was one like i was one of the quickest isn't it and i'm just like that so what happened to all those kids who had wicked

like talent and that's who just didn't get given a chance like that's that's a shame it's such a shame but i guess this scholarship spoke to people like me and my mum who couldn't afford it but just had unfortunate circumstance of being a single parent yeah created this avenue to be able to do it and i guess i took that responsibility not just to my, who were able to find the opportunity, but to the school who put their trust in me to someone like 95% of the school were fee paying people who could afford to be there. I wanted to work hard and I'm now proud. I'm still in touch with teachers and I go back and a generation of pupils have come through it. But I'm glad that they took a punt on me and things have worked OK. that they took a punt on me and things have worked okay and I can be an example to kids who might be in my situation and say like yeah someone's trusted you believe the new crack on that's amazing and does that inform like what you'd want your kids to do because obviously um they've got

a different kind of background financially and like you're in a different situation to your mum totally I guess you're right I remember going to private school age 13 speaking to kids and they'd been in private school since the age of four and I'm just like what that's so much lo and behold Phoenix has been in private school since the age of three and I'm not that person I like question what are you doing but during lockdown like it was nuts because everyone spent so much more time at home I properly got exposed to what it was to be like a full-time parent I was just like what you do this every day this is nuts like like what are you like I mean I know I work and like I'm working hard but this is mental like what honestly it's it's crazy but the statistics have really changed since lockdown and i guess co-parenting be far more equal people working

for like all the rest of yeah being like um a high percentage of like dads taking their taking their kids to school and all the rest of it i think it's got a greater sense of equilibrium but i do remember like it was one thursday night and it was the only day of the week we knew because it was the only day you did something different from every other day. You clap for the carers. So we stood at our doorstep and you clap for the carers and like Phoenix loved it. She's buzzing. Then I took her up to have a bath. And at that point, she loved the fact that we were like clapping for these people doing amazing things.

And she said she wanted to be a doctor or nurse. I was like, oh, love you love you Phoenix I'm so proud and then this one night I took her up for a bath and I was like Phoenix you still want to be a doctor or nurse she was like no and I said what do you want to be she went um I want to be the fastest girl in the world I was like oh mate I had a moment I'm not very emotional but like I was like what did you say and um she's like yeah I want to be the fastest girl in the world and it really kind of dawned on me that we can be so inspired by our kids and the reason I say that is no one's world I don't mean physically is bigger than a kid's world because no one's told them that they can't do anything. Yeah.

They believe they've not had stumbling blocks, not had to develop a sense of resilience and all these things, or had like, had the world negatively impact them. So in Phoenix's mind, she's like, yeah, why not? I'll just be the quickest girl on the planet.

And I was just like, yeah, I can like get her to believe that the world is a place of opportunity and she can be anything she wants to be whilst getting her to believe that the world is a place of opportunity and she can be anything she wants to be whilst getting her to nurture work ethic discipline all the rest of it and combine those two things then she can so for me I didn't have all the opportunities um right throughout like my youth I got them from age 13 but I'm hoping that Phoenix been exposed to that um and and live in a world where she can be anything that she wants to be that she really can be whatever that might be

like yeah she's crazy athletic like mate it's it's remarkable the things she can do like athletics wise like whether it's netball football rugby, rugby, gymnastics, dance, she's just obscenely good. I don't want to put a pressure on her to try and follow in my footsteps. I just want her to like create her own path and just do whatever and just know that mum and dad fully support her. But you can see that early doors with kids, can't you, if they're physically like that. And you don't want to put pressure on them,

but there are some kids that physically can just do everything before all the other kids. And it's just's just you know some have got that talent and some haven't you know i went to sports day and they did like a 60 meter race and phoenix is always really embarrassed when it comes to competing like she gets nervous but she doesn't quite understand the emotion of nerves so she thinks she's scared where i'm trying to tell her yeah it's nervous and it's okay to be nervous. So ready, steady, go, bang. She, like, legged it out but stayed in line with everyone, okay? She thought she got to the finish line,

but she was 30 metres short and just stopped. And I was like, Phoenix, wait, it's not finished. Honestly, I was having an absolute wet in there. I was like, Phoenix, go on. And then she sprinted, caught up, and overtook all of her classmates. My God. I mean, she doesn't realise it, but she mocked all of her classmates in front of her.

She hustled them, basically. Yeah, she hustled them. Yeah, but do you think, though, if she was in a state school, it might be a competitive race, like when you were there? Is it because she's gone private? Yeah, they didn't care. They all knew they had good jobs at PricewaterhouseCooper coming up when they were 18, so it's fine.

Yeah, half are already doing intern jobs at HSBC and JP Morgan. Don't think that's just what they'll do. How old's your youngest? One and a half. One and a half. Yeah, she's like me. She's mischievous. Like, she's...

Is she? You've got Phoenix, who's balletic and so graceful and, like, archetypal princess. Like, she is... Oh, my gosh.

She's dream. Absolute dream. Ruby's a dream, but she's mischievous in such a funny way. And like, you can definitely see that Phoenix is definitely like Lucy and Ruby's probably a little bit like me. Like she, like Phoenix never like drew on a wall or anything like that. It was just Ruby. She'll run across like drawing a wall and then with the crayons

in her hand, walk over to like me or lucy and just go oh no no no no like she shows every sense of remorse and you're like oh it's okay ruby three seconds later she's doing it again and then just coming back saying she's sorry and i'm just like oh babe like come on like she's um it's amazing like Like, I know you guys got kids and it's the second one developed so much quicker. So like Phoenix, like walking age, like 14 months, which is like on par. Ruby was nine months

because she just had someone to chase, to follow, to do everything. And she tries to do everything that Phoenix does, even though she might not be physically able. She just throws herself into everything she's way like phoenix was like by our side um always especially in social settings when we drop phoenix off at school like ruby she thinks those classmates are her mates and so she yeah we have that it's wicked though isn't it yeah no it's great but like when she gets my

eldest gets invited for a play date the youngest is like why can't i go you're like well you're not really a mate like a schoolmate because i am her mate i'm like oh god i'm going well i'll take you somewhere else to do that now i want to go to her house you're like oh for fuck's sake you can't say someone um yeah she's coming in as well that's how it invites work is it i know we take phoenix to gymnastics and so it's like age four till five, whatever. Ruby wants to go in. Like, they're working on the high bar,

and Ruby's just like, well, I can do that. Well, you can't. Like, you actually can't, but she just wants to get involved. She'll pretend, she'll try and do a forward roll, but she just ends up with her bum in the air, head on the floor, and she can't roll, and you're just like, oh, this neck.

This neck, I don't know if you can take this straight. Your daughter's four and she's doing the high bar. Mate, honestly. I wouldn't fancy myself doing that, and I'm 38. But get you a step ladder to get out there, John. It's insane. Like, it's insane. And everyone thinks their kids are great but yeah i don't know how

you feel about you know yours is is that what you're saying everyone thinks their kids great but i know i've seen the spring you lot are bullshitters yeah exactly but like as a parent there's nothing prouder of like overhearing someone compliment your kid yeah in any setting whether it's at school like we had a parent's evening and like we thought everyone did bullshit because like um her teacher was like she's awesome she's this she's that and you're just like oh yeah whatever right he says that to everyone's kid and then yeah one of the other kids mums ring up lucy having a wetty down the phone saying they said my kid's behind and you're like oh gosh like you're sad

for them but you're like that means my kid's awesome I'm sorry but I'm not sorry like I'm not comparing but what did the teacher say about your kid it's like oh I don't want to talk about it so go on he says well

yours might be behind, but they actually said ours is ahead. It's a bit embarrassing, but they actually said she probably should be taken at A levels like next week. But whatever. Well, yeah, that is because even the kids come back a little bit like so-and-so is on this level of reading.

I'm only on this level of reading. You have to be like quite chill about it. But some parents really do care. It does get quite competitive. You lock on a WhatsApp group or do you see the dads and the mums like outside of school or anything yeah like my drop-off is mate it's just peacocking isn't it it's literally just peacocking like i just i just love just seeing the dynamic of like seeing the parents just what kind of peacocking you get in there see it's it's kind of like, well, by the way, the uniform at school,

I don't know, how much did you reckon you spent on a year's worth of uniform when you went to school? You only had to buy a tie and a jumper from the school. Everything else you could just buy from Debenhams, couldn't you? Yeah, Debenhams. When I was in school. We charity shopped it, everything. I reckon for a year we didn't spend

100 quid didn't Phoenix 720 pounds whoa what's she wearing mate I don't know must be Chanel

like it's Canadian no wonder you wanted to get to Blackpool I'm going to re-watch that series. That passion in your eyes isn't the samba. It's school uniforms. I reckon I'll pay off a school uniform by 2026.

So what is it then? What is the school uniform? Just regular gear. I actually have a proper beer in my bonnet about school uniform. She rocks up like she's something out of the flipping tudors like she's obviously one of them ones like sort of like like dress up with your private schools yeah mate she wears a straw hat in the summer do you know what i mean absolutely pointless yeah i love tradition and all the rest of it and you can't knock it but

i think universally across this country like kids should be kids and i don't see her wearing half the stuff which actually allows kids to be kids yeah when it comes to playtime can they fully play around in like some pinafore or a dress she wears wears a blazer. She wears a blazer to school. I'm just like... Mate, at nursery, you see some... I mean, I'm not going to name and shame, but there's some kids at my daughter's nursery and their clothes are more expensive than my clothes.

Yes. And you're like, you're going to fucking... You're doing forest school and then you're painting. What are you doing? Yeah, I don't get... I understand if a school's got a uniform and stuff, but I don't agree. I think, school's got a uniform and stuff and i but i don't agree i think understand private schools are good if you want to send your kid and they

get a more broader education or there's more basically more people there and less kids in the classroom so they get more time to develop and stuff but there's no need for those outfits i personally think it's got nothing to do with the kids but i know when i've got phoenix outside of school time she's not wearing a blazer to go to soft play or to go to gymnastics. She's not because it's just not appropriate. But I honestly think school uniforms in private schools, they do it and it's advertising and it's status. So when they're walking to school or I don't know, whatever they're doing, they have a badge on their chest and they're like, and parents are like, look how smart that girl is. Like that must be a really good girl.

It's like an advert, isn't it? That's all it is. But forget the adverts, put the kids at the centre of it. Because if kids had to, I mean, you don't want kids making too many decisions, but in terms of comfort and adaptability, considering they're in and out of class, going from gymnastics to play to lunchtime to everything, they would not say, I'd wear a dress, some tights, a straw hat and a blazer to school.

They just never, they wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do it. No kid when you're trying to get them out of the house is going, where the hell's, I'm not going without my straw hat. Unless I can find my straw hat. I'm not going. What I would say, Hugo, though, is there's one quick fix to this, send them to a state school. where the hell's, I'm not going without my straw hat. Unless I can find my straw hat. I'm not going. Well,

what I would say, Hugo, though, is there's one quick fix to this. Send them to a state school. Oh no, oh no. I can't winch because they're,

they're so. I know, you can't. There's been people listening, imagining the world's tiniest violin, that they're in there. Oh no, oh no.

Which you can actually buy in the school shop for 80 quid. The world's tiniest violin. It's actually what they need in the spring term. I know, I'm whinging and I do apologise for whinging because they'll be like, oh, mate, forget your roots. Don't forget your roots. One last question on it. How much, I want a specific,

how much are you knocking out for Straw Hat? Because if it's 700 quid for the whole thing, what's the Straw Hat specifically? I genuinely don't know. I don't know, but I reckon the straw hat would have been 60, 70 quid. Jeez, no way. I promise you. You're fucking winding me up.

I swear, but you can't go onto eBay and buy it. You have to go to the school shop. Get a second-hand one, second-hand one. There's got to be some kids leaving the school that have got a straw hat they never want to use again, hasn't there? Probably, but the parents

probably want to keep it as some kind of, I don't know, memory of them. But, like, don't, like, I'm whinging, but it was my option to send her to this school, so... I know, yeah,

you're fully taking the flag. Do you know what I mean? But also, like, I support Arsenal. I don't like all their kids, but I have to still support them. Do you know what I mean? But also, like, I support Arsenal. I don't like all their kits, but I have to still support them. Do you know what I mean? Yeah,

you still don't have to buy, they don't, as an Arsenal fan, you don't buy a season ticket and then they force you to buy the full training kit to wear to a match. I would love it

if Arsenal had a straw hat next season. It's two grand for the season ticket and a grand for all the clothes. That's it. I turn up to North London Derby

and they have to check that you've bought all the merch before you're allowed into the army. Have you got the socks? The away socks? No, you haven't? Okay, well, back home and think about what you've done.

They're last season socks. Sorry, mate, you can't come in. You can't come in. Sorry. I got Phoenix a football kit and then like went out onto the green or something i think it's during lockdown i was like right you're getting your football kit i'm getting my football kit and um she she don't like football kit but and he went out on instagram and i'm like like dad of the year so the kid's crying brilliant yeah just get let's just have one picture just kick the ball out on Instagram and I'm like dad of the year so I guess exactly the kids crying

brilliant yeah let's just have one picture just kick the ball look at me just going to put in portrait mode

probably put a little filter on it stop crying stop crying and have the photo please fucking hell how much do you

how much do you care if she supports Arsenal no I don't think I can be too sensitive over this because my dad supported Tottenham. Oh, right. Yeah.

So you let him down? Yeah, I don't know. I think he let me down by supporting Tottenham is how I see it. But he also was on the planet first. So I guess he gets first dibs at that. So I'll let him off. But he loved Tottenham

and I loved Ian Wright I love Ian Wright I think yeah and so I was like this is tough and it was I guess it was a choice between Les Ferdinand and Ian Wright and Ian Wright was a bit more of a boy about town I was like oh I like this but my dad remember remember Les Ferdinand used to have a little tuft at the top of his head. It was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my dad used to go and get me to get my haircut like Les Ferdinand in order to accept the fact that I sported Arsenal.

So I had a Scotland haircut. I was so confused. I was so confused. I was like heading balls thinking I was Les, but two foot and people thinking I was Ian Wright. It was great. I can't imagine that, Oswell, if they get into sport

properly, it feels like your eldest is going to, it's inevitable. Obviously you've got good genes and stuff like that, but I think you might be overly competitive dad on the side. I don't know if you can contain it. No. So, sports day. I don't know whether this was coincidence or COVID, but they actually cancelled

the dad's race. Did that? Okay. Mate, I turned up with starting blocks, full lycra, ready to go. So is there anyone that you think could beat you in that school then? What's your speed over 100 metres? 10.6. 10.6?

10.6. You can't. There's no way how fast those kids are your fucking school then i know i know i know so like i can move or i used to be able to move until the third lockdown and then i just ate my body weight in in chocolate um but yeah i'd have backed myself in a dad's race but like genuinely there's i say this messing around but like realistically there's pressure on me to win like i can't be turning up of course to sports day as an ex-athlete and getting mugged off by um david in I can't. Oh, my. Imagine losing to someone in finance. Oh, my God. Mate, Nigel in HR cannot be doing a number on me.

So what's your approach? Are you going to go as fast as you possibly can, like you're in a real race against other rugby players, or are you going to go... Rob's knowledge of other sports kicking in there. Yeah, but get them 75%. Other rugby players, he panicked, he tried to name one all the big ones, you know, Will Carlin

Johnny Wilkinson yeah, all those all the guys all the boys that big lanky one with the funny ears, he's a good one loved him, that little fat short one yeah, all of them, all great guys are you, so

we've been in accounts or whatever the people are that you're up against, the other dads The little fat short one? Yeah, all of them. All great guys. Are you, so with like, you know, Ben in accounts or whatever the people are that you're up against, the other dads, are you going at 75% but then know you've got an extra level? Because it may look muggy if you absolutely destroy them. I can't be going out the blocks like, I don't know, Carl Lewis, can I? I mean, I'm not going to be their three-point stance.

I can't. It's got to be a standing start. Fair enough. I think I've just got to come out gently just like banter banter banter but while expressing and then cancer cancer cancer exactly if it's 100 meters and at 50 i feel someone's trying to mug me off i'm just going to have to go into another gear aren't i yes yeah i also want to be i'm i'm just a chilled out dad here just to support my daughter yes obviously not but that's fine if

that's your what you're what you think it is but i'm also not 95 meters out accelerating and ducking from the line for photo finish because i'm not going to get given the benefit out so i want to do a job on them but not destroy them like if if that's an option to feel like they've got a chance next year yeah and this sounds like well arrogant but i would back myself in a race like i just i just would over anyone um it's funny actually because a couple of years ago i i did a podcast uh funny enough not as good as this one obviously um what podcast it's a rugby one called Rugby in a Weekly. Give it a shout out.

Yes, it's called Rugby in a Weekly. You can download it on BBC Sounds. It's out every Monday. If you like rugby, if you don't, give it a wide berth. If you like all the lads, like Will Carlin and the Lanky one. Billy Fingers and Gary the Lank. But yeah, so I went to the Premiership Rugby launch and there was one of the lads there.

He just came off playing a World Cup and he was like, I get on really well with him. And I was like, man, I reckon I still do you in a race. And he was like, what? And I was like, no, genuine. And I was just there in skinny jeans and trainers. He was there in full kit. And I was like, man, I'll do you.

I will do you. Banter it. And he was like, go on then. And it's like, what? Excuse me? And he was like, go do you i will do you banter and he's like go on then and it's like what excuse me let's have a race now and i had a race with him and i just lost like just like he had to duck at the line so i was like yeah i was like hang on i reckon i've still got it but i don't but i don't like my honestly make the lactic acid my hamstring my back all in pieces by the end of it.

He's like, we had to finish off the podcast. And I was sweating, honestly, because I was so heavy. Heart rate must have been 200. I could barely string a sentence. So the first half of the podcast, I'm like, well, chatty. The next half, I'm just like, just nodding and just with the occasional, mm-hmm, just because I couldn't actually talk. But do you think he might have been treating you like Ben in accounts? Do you know what I mean?

He might have banter, banter, canter, cantered you. Exactly. I think he was doing what I would do at a Dan Thomas on sports day. So he's allowed me to go away thinking I came close to him. But really, he's going back to his club and saying, I absolutely rinsed you guys over the second year. A quick question. How has retiring from rugby affected you and your view of yourself? Do you feel that sometimes you've got a bit to prove and you're worried about getting older?

Yeah, slightly unfulfilled. I think I'm in a period of discovery, actually. I'm trying to work out who I am I think that's the conclusion I've come to, but mate, if it's grass I'll probably wear mouldies, if it's tartan probably tugs If it's a bit wet in the morning you've got a real slip hazard there

you can't be going just with a pair of Converse or something slappy You should run the race in a straw hat just to show them who's boss. Yeah, but it's too expensive for it to fall off my head and get busted. Get trampled on. I just couldn't allow it to happen. How was it starting school? Because she started proper school this year.

Was she nervous or was she quite excited? Was she all right with it? Tough, mate. Tough. Really? I'd say for the first two or three weeks she found it hard one because she was just used to being at home during the pandemic and just got so used to like mum and dad just being around and then all of a sudden um she's not there like she's going to school and i reckon she had a sense of first day

at school she came she come out and she was like I've done school now like I've completed it yeah like you've actually got to go every day for 14 years yeah exactly but she loves it she loves it and it's really cool and this is where I think it's tough as a parent because you drop them off at school and they cry because they want to be at home but it's really nice that they want to be at home but it's tough to see them crying going to school and you're like oh maybe I should just homeschool them and no you're doing the right thing but then they get used to school there's no tears and they don't even look back to say goodbye they just leg it into school and you're like well i'm happy she's settled but she doesn't give a crap that i'm here like i want her to want me but you also don't want them to be

crying so it's this like contradiction of emotions but she loves it like her back you know she has proper good best mates at school and she probably loves it loves being there as much as she loves being at home which is exactly what you want for your kids. That's good. Oh, it's been an absolute pleasure, Ugo. Oh, yeah, thanks, mate. Oh, thank you for having me. It's very rare that we say, could you come back and bring documentary evidence of something. It's very rare an interview ends with a request

that you give us a video of a school sports day. I would put on a GoPro, but I just worry about the aerodynamics because you have one of those secret cameras in your straw hat like so when you're running along like like you're doing an investigation i know but definitely if you can film it get someone to film it on an iphone then that would love to see that and post it out we just want to see how you how the how it went with you know we've got you what you're doing your little bit of banter and then you really hit the afterburners but we want to see we want to see how it went. We've got what you're doing, your little bit of banter, and then you really hit the afterburners.

But we want to see you destroy those stiff necks in there, little suits in between meetings. Preferably a morning diary where you go through your shoes, which you're going to wear, what food you've been taking on board so that you're in peak condition. A real eye of what it takes to be a top-level athlete. Do you know what? This has inspired me.

I'm going to get fucking ripped for next summer, and I'm going to do it. You've been saying you're going to get ripped for the last two years. This hasn't inspired you. No, but I'm working on strength at the moment, but I think I'm going to work on speed so I can win the race. I mean, we're effectively in the off-season, so we're just going into warm-weather training now. But I'm glad I've marked it because i've got a good five six months just to get into like peak condition to batter some accountants and hr gurus rob's gonna spend two months at high altitude aren't you that's

what you're gonna do yeah i'm gonna go big bear running i'm going to kenya next week now honestly well can you um if like this is i think it's quite interesting actually because there'll be a lot of dads and mums and mums racing the dad's race listening that would like to win and you may not be a natural sprinter but you want to get you know maybe finish eighth last year you want to try and get top three for people that aren't ex-athletes like yourself um who go what what is a good way to get better at sprinting like what would you suggest number one thing is coordinating your arms and your legs the amount of people who want to get fast at running but your arms move or your your arms move as fast as your legs and vice versa so if they're not coordinated you just won't

be able to you'll be running with passion but with no technique so the people see like running with their heart but not their legs i'm just like no just just chill out so try and get yourself coordinated and it's like anything in any pressure situations if you went to sprint up the street just now on your own you'd be able to do it but with six people to left and right of you you panic and all coordination goes so i would just say work and coordination first. Once you've nailed that, then you give yourself a better chance of winning. We want to create a group of winners.

That's what we want, isn't it? A group of winners from this podcast. Yeah, and it'd be great if all Parenting Hell listeners won every mum and dad's sprint race. Yeah, we'd be like Jamaica. They're like, there's this crop of sprinters. These crop of parents. They're all better than everyone else.

Ugo, thank you so much. Really appreciate it, mate. Nice one. Take it easy, lads. Thanks, mate. I loved that. I'm going to say it. I'd be fucking shit at the dad's race,

but I'm going to go for it next year. It'll be so funny to watch, though. Well, you need to check what the race is, because what you don't want to do is practice for sprint and then it's a tug-of-war or something like that. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I know. I think tug-of-war's a bit medieval.

I think it's a sprint. I think... I'm just sort of thinking in my head about the other guys. If I could get a top five finish, I think I'd be happy. Yeah, I'm trying to think of the Dad's at nursery, whether I could beat them. There's one guy who would definitely beat me. You do a bit of running, don't you? Yeah, but I'm

very heavy-footed, Rob. I'm very heavy-footed. You've heard about this. Yeah, you've heard about this. I've probably heard about this. Yeah, but he just ran the Hackney Half Marathon, just because he does stuff like that. Oh, no. Yeah, he's got the beating of me. Anyway, that was Ugo. I love Ugo. Watch him on The Question of Sport. Listen to his podcast. Oh, no. Yeah, he's got the beating of me. Anyway, that was Hugo.

I love Hugo. Watch him on The Question of Sport. Listen to his podcast. Lovely bloke. And now I'm going to go back and watch Strictly and see his face when he gets told he doesn't get the bonus in Blackpool. I didn't want to say it, Rob.

He missed Blackpool by a fucking mile. But anyway. Oh, dear. That interview implied he was a week off it. Come on, mate. but anyway oh dear that interview implied he was a week off it come on mate oh dear right well we'll be back

next Tuesday with another episode we'll see you then people cheers guys bye bye