Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP45: I'm entering a new phase of parenting...

Episode Date: December 14, 2021

S03 EP45: I'm entering a new phase of parenting...More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Thanks to everyone who bought tickets for the live show in January - we sold in less than 15 minutes! If you want to be first in line for any potential future live dates, merchandise, and any additional show info then sign up to the mailing list here - there might just be a few warm up live shows going on sale via the mailing list tomorrow morning... ;) parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Ada, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Willicam? Josh Willicam. There we go. She sounded quite emotional, your name.

That is. That is Ada. Hello from us. Gent, honestly, your pod has been a lifesaver in the last 18 months. Our two-year-old Ada thinks so too. Would love to hear on the pod. Thanks for many a laugh and being the most relatable parenting role. Relatable is worrying, isn't it, Rob?

Likeable. Relatable parenting role models ever. Funny and sexy. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to be relatable, do I? I think we are. No, Josh, we're going to have to accept that we are relatable. Are we relatable? Is that what we are? We're moaning about having kids.

I mean, I don't want to use the word hack. Is that what we've... I don't want to, you know, I remember when we were two sexy young hot shot five foot seven guys back in the day, we would be talking about them old comics. Do you know what, Rob? No, they used to call us T-shirt and jean comedians. Yeah, yeah.

The old ones. Miserable bald ones. I was watching a rubbish old comic who I dislike on a personal level on YouTube the other day. Because your mental health's great at the moment? Just because that's how I relax. And they were doing some stuff about being a parent.

I was thinking, this is hack rubbish. And then I thought it would slip perfectly into my set. Give the people what they want, Josh. Oh, God. I once did, this is well off topic, but we'll go back to parenting and that child's name in a sec. I once did a, you know, them Beat the Gong shows we used to do, where basically you get five minutes and people can boo you off

or put the card up and you get gonged off. And sometimes the person in charge of the gong is normally sort of quite an angry, not as successful as they like comedian, I normally find, don't you? And I was doing it once, very new, and he gonged me off unnecessarily. I was still going and the card hadn't gone off. And I remember walking off and my head just went, if I'm ever in a position to, I'm going to fucking end him.

Oh, my God, Rob. That's what I was... I know, and looking back, that's insane, but at the time, it meant everything, Josh. Oh, mate. That's all I had. I wanted to get... I wanted a five-minute spot at that club in nine months' time.

It meant the world. It meant the world. It was all you needed. Anyway, that's Ada, and she's two. Who was that? Ava and two. Was Ava any... Ada.

Where's she from? ADA. No location, I'm afraid. No information, just two. Ada. Just two. And her family are Johnny, Sarah, and Leo, four. I haven't got much to say today, Rob. Rob, just two. Ada. Just two. And her family are Johnny, Sarah and Leo, four. I haven't got much to say today, Rob.

Rob, I'm hungover. Yeah, you texted me. You said you was drunk at a Christmas market. I was drunk at a Christmas market, Rob. So is everything going all right in Cassidale-Widdicombe? What do you mean? Like, you're going out to places, getting drunk at markets. Are the kids all going well?

Yeah, the kids were there. I wasn't implying you're going for a places, getting drunk at markets. Are the kids all going well? Yeah, the kids were there. I wasn't implying you're going for a divorce. I was just saying. No, I was implying that actually it's all running smoothly. I'm sorry, I thought you were going, have you got a problem because you're drinking at Christmas markets? No, but the fact that you reacted like that implies that you have. Well, when I'm hungover, I'm very fragile emotionally.

I am all over the shop. Yeah, I'm a bit like that. I've been crying today. I went to the nat shop. Oh, yeah, I'm a bit. I've been crying today. I went to the nativity. I'll talk about it in a minute. And I've been as emotionally vulnerable as I get at the moment. I'm really open, Josh. And so are you.

This could be a real revealing episode. I didn't think I'd be that hungover. I probably had two mulled wines and three pints. And I feel fucking dreadful. And what? So you had that did you do did you have any dinner uh no that's quite a lot three mulled wines two mulled wines and three mulled ones three pints and um you are a bit of a lightweight anyway yeah i find it no you don't

need to you don't need to add that we both don't bring that yeah but it's just for people to get perspective on it yeah they know because there might be some geezers listening yeah there's no geezers listening rob we're too relatable really i think there might be a geezers listening. Yeah, there's no geezers listening, Rob. We're too relatable. Really? I think there might be a couple of secret geezers that listen to it on the building site being secret. They just pretend they listen to loads of laddy ones. Yeah. And they'll be like, oh, you're listening to Becca there.

You're a magic sponge, though. Talking about Lee Hendry. Lee Hendry, like, on holiday, shitting in a bucket. Yeah. Not like sensitive dad two blokes crying stuff. Do you know what I mean? No. It's a Steve Claridge episode, actually.

Still out there, Magic Sponge, if you want to give that a listen and give Dave some money. I won't receive any of it. Got paid a fee. Worst decision I've ever made. You got paid a fee. Ah, terrible, terrible.

Never do a podcast where you get paid a fee. Much better to be reading out adverts of things you don't understand. Which we don't do on this podcast. No, exactly. But I can imagine other people might. Anyway. I've listened to Off Menu.

They have never. Oh, come on. Come on, boys. Well, it just matches their guests. They've heard of the guests. Never heard of the podcast. I listened to the Louis Theroux episode where I slagged him off. Did he, Acast?

I think me, you, Gamble and Acast should meet up and have a fight. And I reckon it'll be a good match. Do you know what? They would. I think they might be... I don't know. Gamble and Acaster are big. But he's got a great day and he's got a long reach

and he has got sick head mode, Acaster. He can lose it. Yeah. I've seen him lose it in front row. Not physically, but he's got a little bit of anger. He's from Kettering, so he can have a bit, I reckon. Ed Gamble, he's a, he's a big guy though, isn't he?

He's like what, six foot one? Yeah, he works out. He works out now, does he? Yeah. And he's got diabetes

and I don't know what the rule is about beating someone up with diabetes. Is it like someone with glasses? No, I think it's alright, as long as you don't attack them with a flump. Do you know what I mean?

While he's shooting up? Yeah, exactly. You can call it shooting up or injecting, what's the word? I've never seen him injecting. He normally just checks his blood sugar and it's always fine. Oh right, yeah, I've seen him do that. I think he's shooting up. You can call it shooting up or injecting. What's the word? I've never seen him injecting. He normally just checks his blood sugar.

It's always fine. Oh, right. Yeah, I've seen him do that. I think he's lying. It's always been fine. If anyone's seen Ed Gamble check his blood sugar levels, and they've been different, let us know. We do the salty non-salty, sugary non-sugary.

Let us know. If you've seen a non-sugary gamble. I think it will be an even fight. I think what it may end up in is me having to fight Acaster and Gamble. Yeah, I don't think I'm the strong link in our team. No, but I'm from South East London. I can't lose a fight to James Acaster or Gamble. I'll never be able to show my face.

They'll have to kill me. They'll have to nail me to the floor. With diabetes syringes. Boom, boom, boom. He's down. Anyway, sorry. What was he talking about? Christmas market.

Yes, you got a bit drunk. Jesus Christ. What is wrong with me? Okay, so you got a bit drunk at the Christmas market. Yeah, it was very nice. Took the kids. My daughter met up with her friends. She's got some friends. She's got one of them still at nursery with her

two of them are still at nursery and two others that are in the gang they've gone to school they're not in a gang, they're not like an E9 crew no no no they're not ghetto boys or anything no they're not the E9 crew but anyway

they all met up and it was very nice. And they basically just hugged each other for about 45 minutes and were really excited. And then we had a couple of drinks and then we went home. And then I went to bed at 10pm, Rob. And I'd had two pints of water and I still feel like a piece of shit. And then... What time did you get up?

What time did I get up? I did i get up i got up at um oh ten past five okay so that's the new waking up time now from half four well he'd already fed by that point with rose so he's so he's still getting up at half four well it's very erratic it's all over the shop at the moment anyway so i got up so when you say erratic what you mean is when you take him out for the day and put him to bed late, he wakes up about five minutes later, but if you go to bed normally, he still wakes up at half four for a thing. No, I'll be honest with you.

I've never known someone who's... Oh, sorry. It's all right. My phone's gone off. Are you answering it? No, no, no, no, I turned it off. All right. His daytime has...

I put it on mute. Sorry, this is not really flowing. I mean, we actually interrupt the podcast more than the noise this yeah yeah exactly we could have just rolled over that but bloody hell anyway i've never known someone whose daytime has less effect on their night. Like, it couldn't... It makes no difference what happens. No.

I think... You don't mean to ring Mum again, do you? No, I'd rather not. I'd rather you didn't. You don't need some more home truths coming at you? I don't need home truths. Do you know what? I'm enjoying these mornings.

I'm enjoying these mornings. What, the 5.10s? He's very chilled out so i go in put him down now i go yeah i go in at 10 past five turn on the light he's happy with the light for 20 minutes without me doing anything so i basically sit on my phone for 20 minutes and look on my phone okay so he's been fed been put back in his cot he's awake so why do you have to why do you have to sit why can't you just lay in bed and sleep while he's been fed, been put back in his cot, but he's awake. So why do you have to sit? Why can't you just lay in bed and sleep while he's laying there

and wait till he cries? Because he's crying out for someone to come in, but turning on the light is enough. Oh, okay, sorry. Yeah, and then you just sit there while he just rolls about. He's got a nice armchair in his room. So I sit there. He sleeps on that?

Oh, no, you're... Sorry. Maybe that's the problem. He's like Frasier's dad. But... Maybe that's the problem. He's like Frasier's dad. Me and Roger are in the front room in a bed, like the grandparents on Willy Wonka. So then, then we get up about half five, go downstairs, put him in his high chair. He just plays with the toys that I put on his high chair.

I put on a podcast, have a cup of tea, interact with him. It's genuinely, apart from the time... Interact with him. Interact with him. Lovely. You said that like a robot boy who's trying to learn how to be human. Interact with him.

It's a parenting tip I got of Jimmy Carr. Russell Crane's still working on it. So, interact with him. Do my allotted interactions. But it's great. I just sit there, have a cup of tea. He's really happy. Apart from the fact no one else is up,

once you get past the 6am point, other people are awake, so you can what's up them. Yeah, exactly. I think if you've got kids, if the household wakes up at 6am, it ain't the end of the world, especially when they get older and got guys school. Not at all.

So, but it's horrible, isn't it? Waking up at 6am. So we're in a very good place with it at the moment. So horrible. Good place. So horrible. Well, I go back to bed as well, Rob, and I enjoy going back to bed.

Yeah, when do you go back to bed? I go back to bed at half six. Oh, so you're not actually up that long? No. Okay, okay, so then Rose gets up from half six. Okay, that's not too bad. Yeah. I just hate getting up early.

If there was no one else in my life, I'd be up at 10 a.m. every day. Yeah, it's panic-inducing when I have something in the evening, when I have the last nap. 2 a.m. bedtime, 10 a.m. wake up. That is perfect for me. Is it? Is that what your natural body clock is? That's what my natural body clock is, yeah. in the evening when I have the last nap 2am bedtime 10am wake up that is perfect for me is it is that what your natural body clock is

that's what my natural body clock is yeah 2am oh god I'd love that and what would you be doing between midnight and 2am anything I want

watching a bit of telly documentary probably playing computer games in your dream scenario where you can sleep when you want? What's her natural body clock? I don't know what she's doing in her house, in my dream scenario.

Of my house. No, yeah, she, no, no, Lou doesn't have to be there, but we'll stay up, have a couple of glasses of wine, watch something together. She normally would, her natural body clock's probably a midnight-ish till seven or eight. That's her vibe, which I think is more normal, isn't it? Anyway,

I sleep that. I'll prefer that. But no, at the moment, the dog wakes up at half five. Lou goes down, sorts it out, tries to get him back in his crate, doesn't, cries, wakes all the kids up. She's up. Who cries, the dog or Lou? Both. And we're just in each other's arms, so it's fine. It's all quite consoling. And then the kids get off back.

The dog doesn't have arms, but we'll carry on. They do, they're four, don't they? What's an arm and what's a leg? If they're set up, surely a leg's an arm, isn't it? If you walked around on all floors before... On all floors? Yeah, rather than levitating. I don't even know what I was going to say.

Oh, yeah, so... Oh! I don't even know what I was going to say oh yeah so oh what if we were single what would your sort of dating routine be I wouldn't go online

I think I'd just I'd be too worried about people screen grabbing it could you imagine if you became a meme your your my single friend became an ongoing meme around the world

well the thing is if that did happen, I wouldn't be able to move from this area because that's where my kids are, right? So I wouldn't want to date anyone around here because I went to school and grew up around here, so did Lou. We know everyone, so it'd be awkward. So I think what I would do is I would Google other divorce celebrities and find one about my age and message and go,

look, should we just, will this work? Okay, I'm just Googling divorced celebrities. To see what the options are. Mid-30s. Okay, these are the people. Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian. She's going to have a comedian with a big mouth.

Maybe I could be her next one. Who's the comedian? That's a lot of hassle, though, isn't it? Katie Holmes? You don't have to do a cruise on the pick-up, do you? Oh, God. Because, you know, it's like when you get remarried, there's a lot of kids moving about here and there,

and you all have to be there with the dad of your stepkids. Yeah, exactly. Angelina Jolie. I think it's come up with... I think it's too much for me. I should have put UK, really, shouldn't I? I'd say go UK. I was thinking more like Gemma Collins, really. Anyway, while we talk at John...

Anyway, anyway. Lou's going to love this episode. You're still with her, Rob? I'm still with her. Yeah, we're together. We love each other. We're just talking hypothetically. Why is there an article on Cosmopolitan

called the biggest celebrity breakups of 2021 so far? I don't know, but I'm into it. Who are they? Camila Cabello. Oh, yeah. I know her. She broke up with Shawn Mendes. She's in...

I don't know who any of these people are. She's in Cinderella. She's actually a work colleague. You couldn't have met her on set. I did meet her on set. She gave me her number. Whenever you're in Miami, come and hang out. And I was like, as if I'm going to be in Miami.

You've got her number? Yeah. So the number one celebrity breakup of 2021. And you've got her number? Oh, my God. Yeah, I do, yeah. What are you trying to suggest? That I text Camilla Cabello and say, look, hypothetically, if I was...

No, but she's too young. She's only about 22. Yeah, that's the issue, Rob. That's the problem. That's why it wouldn't work. Okay. I don't know. This is awful.

I don't know who any of these people are. I'm 400 years old. Tell me the other celebrity. The number two split up. I've never heard of either of these. Go on. Chase Stokes and Madeline Klein. I don't know.

They sound like two solicitors. American hotshot lawyers in a John Grisham. Stokes and Madeline Klein? I don't know. They sound like two solicitors. American hot shot lawyers in a John Grisham. I don't know who he is. He's in a Netflix thing. He's fit though. Kea Gerber. Gerber and Jacob Elordi. What?

Am I living on a different planet these days? I don't know who they are. Who are they? I thought it was going to be like Denise Ranautan. Like, what? No, she's happily married. She's on the other side. All right, that's not the problem. I've never heard of any of these people.

Zayn Malik, thank you. And Gigi Hadid. Oh, thank God. Right, thank God for that. I'm not 700. Finally, Malik. No. That's it.

Who the hell is Giovanni Pernice and Mara Higgins? Oh, Mara Higgins. She was on Love Island and Giovanni was in Strictly. Oh, he's the bloke from Strictly. Yeah, that's a good... You know that one. Oh, right, yeah. Grimes and Elon Musk.

Right, I understand that. Fine. Grimes? Yeah, you know Grimes. Oh, yeah, sorry. Isn't there a rapper called Grimes? Oh, my God. We are 600 years old.

Isn't there a rapper? I'm like, isn't there a rapper called Grimes? Oh, my God. We are 600 years old. Isn't there a rapper? I'm like, isn't there a rapper with that name? It's the worst, oldest thing anyone could ever say. In my defence, there's Getz and there's Giggs, and I said it was Grimes, but Grimes is Elon Musk's wife. But then there's a rapper called Dave, so I don't know where I am. I don't know.

This is pathetic. We are two of the most pathetic men who've ever lived, and Ed Gamble and James Acaster could beat the shit out of us, let's be honest. No way, I'd rather die. Right, Rob. Sorry, go on. I went on a school tour today.

Oh, did you? Yeah. Were you thinking about reading recent exams? I'm not going to even say it. I'm the one that's hungover. Go on. hung over go on yeah go on sorry

you went how was it alright alright yeah I didn't feel I had enough questions to ask so I started

trying to really I asked more questions than anyone else though I started to get a bit competitive unnecessary questions

yeah like what like do the after school clubs apply to the nursery? I wasn't even planning on spending much time at the nursery. No, so she's going into reception.

I was just looking for questions. So they said, well, those after-school clubs are reception class. You said, does that apply to the nursery? Why did you care? Because I felt like I needed to ask something because no one was asking any questions and I felt awkward. Yes, I find that. I don't know if it's because we're comedians,

but I find if everyone's quiet when someone's asked, I always ask questions to make them feel like it's not going badly. So she's used to children not answering questions, but part of me was going, she's dying on her arse here. Is it weird? I want to know the answer now.

There isn't after school clubs for nursery, but they are considering bringing it in. It's such a school. There's been a lot of interest. Shut up, you nerd. It ain't happening. We've had your kids till three. Fucking have an afternoon off,

is basically what they said. There's been a lot of interest, they said, people asking, but I didn't want to say, well, I'm only asking because I felt I should ask a question. So please don't mark me down as interested. Don't set it up on my behalf

yeah please don't feel like that's the tipping point that means you need to start it um but is this the one you're gonna think you're gonna go to this is the one you moved to the area to get to isn't it because it was very nice local school and um we very much enjoyed the tour um it was very nice i really enjoyed it no i You're eating a biscuit, aren't you? No, I wasn't. I just ate a crumb, actually. A crumb? How big was it? I don't know why I did it. I didn't even know I was doing it. Where was the crumb? There was a plate where I had toast on it

earlier during a last leg meeting. There was a crumb, and I thought... We get it, mate. You're on telly. Come on. You've got other stuff on. Don't rub it in my face. Yeah, because you're on a... Horn and cord in this. Yeah. I imagine James Corden's heard of all of those people, to be honest.

You've got to. That is a tough job, that. Well, then, come on. Because, you know, the thing is, right, you've got to know everyone if you're the presenter of a late-night talk show in America, right? But it does get to the point where your brain cannot fit in old Chase and Stephanie, whoever they were.

And all of a sudden, oh, my God, we got them, and he's got to like quickly wikipedia and pretend to be excited it is because it's like a 14 year old's favorite person i can't imagine a job in our industry i would want less than hosting a chat show where you get people coming on and promoting stuff because i just don't care josh we have pushed five different books. Yeah, but I care about these people. And let's be honest, Rob, we're not pushing the fucking books. We're just talking to them about parenting and mentioning their book. But to sit

there while some Hollywood person told me about their fucking film that I don't want to watch. I would go... I'm sorry, Ben Affleck. I couldn't give a shit, mate. Oh, I like Ben Affleck. No, I haven't got a problem with Ben Affleck.

Yeah, I know, but I would care about his film. Oh, mate, I don't want to hear about his film. Tell me about your life. I don't want to hear your pre-prepared anecdote about what life on set was like. Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross are fucking magicians, mate. They are incredible. It is tough.

And called and let them and all them. Especially in America, it's every night. Oh, fuck that. Imagine sitting up tonight, Josh, sit on your sofa at 11pm and just imagine now there was 300 people in that room and Chase and Stephanie, whoever, tonight, Josh, sit on your sofa at 11pm and just imagine now there was 300 people in that room and Chase and Stephanie, whoever they are, have turned up and you've got to talk to them.

Imagine the depth you'd have to go for that energy. Right, first things first, I don't know who you are. Who are you? That's my first question. Second question, do you support a football team? Because I'd be interested to talk to you about that. Oh, dear. Anyway, I don't think we need to worry that much about an American talk show.

It's not an issue in my career. I don't think we're going to... For clarity, I haven't turned one down. Anyway, right, so I went on this school tour. The door's still open, essentially. The door is still open. Do you know what I'd love? You end up doing a talk show one day, a chat show,

and they play this back to you. Yeah. Well, to be honest, mate, it'd be the most entertaining bit of the show for me because at least it would break it up from what I'm having to listen to Ronona Ryder tell me about her new bloody Netflix series. Can I make a public statement

that I would love to host a chat show? Of course you would. And I very much separate myself. You'd be much better at it than me because you're interested in these things. I am interested in people a bit more than you. I'm interested in people, just not those people. Okay. If they allowed me to book it myself.

Oh, that's too much effort. I mean, it would get no one to come. No one would watch it. We've got Blur's Roadie on next week. Yeah. Who have you got? Snooker player Steve Davis. Again. Again.

Welcome to Burbank, California. Steve Davis. Anyway, right. What are we talking about? Pat Sharp doing four weeks in a row. He's got great energy, guys. He's got great energy. Always delivers. Exactly.

Right. What were we talking about? This is weird. I did a school trip. I did a school trip. Yeah, school trip. I went to school. You talked about me asking questions.

I think it went well. I mean, you kind of... The question you want to ask is, could we like... I know we've got to go through Hackney Council, but you'll let me in, won't you? Come on, mate. Come on. Yeah, but then they can't just do a live acceptance of pupils.

No, of course they can't. They've got no power. They've got no power to let you in. Imagine if they did and lined all the kids up and then read out they're allowed in or not. Oh, my God. That would be horrible. I'd watch it, though, if it weren't my kids. Would you? I would. I'd watch it if it was those horrible it was just those horrible people but if it was nice people

i feel sorry for them but if those are horrible people and horrible kids i'd watch that as a show yeah it's quite a hard show to get commissioned yeah it's the kind of show that you'd end up talking to you know the kind of ryan seagrave or whatever he's called because he's hosting it on seagrave i don't know what he's called because he's hosting it on Netflix. Seagrave? Seagrave. Seagrave? I don't know what he's called. I was pretty impressed that I got him from anywhere. I know.

I can really feel you searching for an American TV host. Wait, can we stop talking about the TV show you're not going to host? Okay, of course. Now. Go on. Do you want me to tell you what you've been up to? That's all I've got really, Rob. All I've got is I'm hungover.

Yeah. And I went on a school tour. Literally, I haven't done any... I've been working loads, so I haven't really done any other... Parenting. Parenting. Well, I've had a very busy week, actually. Parenting.

Don't want to rub it in. Because it's been birthdays, isn't it? So we had birthdays. Of course. And we went... And I've got to talk about Lapland. I went to Lapland in Ascot, Josh. It's like an immersive theatrical experience

of visiting Lapland and meeting Father Christmas. Right. And what I would say is, if you are listening to this with kids, maybe listen when they're not being able to hear it, so I can talk properly about it from parent to parent. Turn off. Now, if you don't want your kids to hear rob

talking about his trip to visit father christian experience that he had oh that beard tickled um but yeah so here's a little ones if you're listening so because i won't you know i'm not going to go into great detail but stuff might slip out as i'm chatting anyway we went to ascot to do this thing and it is the best thing i've ever done with my kids okay i'm not getting paid to say this even an advert we just paid ourselves to go and it is pricey um but basically it's in ascot you're in there for about four hours and it's like so but we you can pay in november i think it midweek it's like 59 pounds per person yeah obviously that goes up so we we paid because we went on a

saturday the only day i could go we ended up paying 135 pound per person and i think it might even be a little bit higher than that like christmas eve obviously because the closer you get to to christmas so it's very expensive i'm not trying to dispute that but if you box clever you can go november midweek for about 59 pounds i think per person but i genuinely think it's worth the money for what you get um and you may disagree but i thought it was amazing um especially if you've got what i would suggest it don't take any kids younger than three three years and older is good because they can understand what's going on you're wasting your money really i think if they're younger and free you know that's what i thought you know when boris johnson went

to peppa pig world yeah it. His kid's 18 months. What the fuck's that kid getting out of that? Yeah, but he don't see him very often. He's probably panicked, isn't he? He's just gone,

chuck him down Peppa Pig. I don't see him enough. Too busy at parties. Christmas parties, getting slammed. Too busy getting on it downstairs. In my own flat.

In my own flat. A party I didn't know about in my own flat. Oh, don't, don't. Oh, c***s. Sorry. Oh, you c***s. flat a party i didn't know about in my own flat sorry sorry i should get that out um back to christmas um so anyway but what you're doing if you've got a kid that hasn't started school yet you could take a midweek like the day they're not in nursery or if they're not in there anyway

so basically what you get you sort of go in and basically everyone, there's those elves everywhere and they commit to the part like Disney. It's like properly a bit too, and I won't ruin it for you, but you go in, honestly, it felt like you was in a magical world. And so what you get for, you go in and there's like a big performance

between these two elves. They set this story up. You get sent a beautiful invitation from Father Christmas that you give the kids. You put the letter in the freezer so it's all cold. So it feels like it's come from the, and they're all with the kids are all fully with this and then you get there and there's these elves and it's all so magical and it feels so real real and they've got these little hand signed wave things anyway and you go for it but for that

money you get like an immersive theatrical experience the whole time you go into one like toy making department thing and you make this toy and then um you go into another room and you make gingerbread which you can eat and then there's they suck their singing and performances and then you go into this big village area where there's ice skating that's free and you know can go on it for as long as you want and there's all different shops where you can get food and drinks and stuff and then you go through and then visit father christmas and it was unbelievable it was in there for about 10 15 minutes it was like it was like being in a room with pacino really and that's all i'll say so we don't go too much detail but i was just even i was just like i felt like i was just in the moment

proper my kid i've never seen my kids faces do this the way they were just like it it was like they were actually in the middle middle of like magic honestly and i sounded i'm being a bit sort of thinking but honestly i was just i nearly cried about five times and they were so and it's so well done that when you're in this sort of forest thing you can't there's not even a gap in the in the trees at all you are in lapland as far as you're concerned and the kids are concerned and they've got reindeer and they've got huskies and you fill out a little form and he knows everything

about the kids and just before we went Father Christmas said also when you leave your mince pies out for me make sure you don't leave them downstairs shut the gate so Freddy can't get them and they were like he knows about Freddy my fucking dog Josh

also the toy that they made earlier in the day, they secretly give you at the end, which you then put under the tree. Oh, mate. So then it completes the full circle of magic. Oh, my word. Right, so... Is there still gaps for this year?

I think so, yeah, probably. It's probably very expensive. It's cheaper if you book it, like, it goes on sale in, like, January. It sells out every year. Oh, my God. And we actually bumped into the couple that run it and they are so lovely and they're so into it and it's such a passion project they're not you meet some people sometimes you go oh yeah you've

got a good business but they are just it's all about the experience and that they were they were lovely but i say i've none of this is i've paid all my way for this i'm not saying this as a as a favor i promoted my local primary school Rob I thought they were very good Exactly And they take photos And you get about 5 or 6 different photos of them The kids are in there 10-15 minutes

So you're paying a lot But I think What was it magical Rob? Mate honestly The kids We couldn't have had more fun It was incredible And you know

You can spend Sometimes 25 quid per person on Panto Another 10-15 quid on visiting Father Christmas. Ice skating can sometimes come to about 40, 60 quid for a family. We've got an ice skating next week. Exactly. So that's, I mean, that's probably 40 quid at least, isn't it? Maybe more.

Well, no, I've agreed that I'm not going to do any ice skating. Okay, well, 30 quid. But I did ice skate with my kids, actually. Can I let you know what? But when I was there, there was a couple of famous people there Josh Amelia Fox the actress from Silent Witness was there Anthony Joshua there ice skating

Russell Cain was there not ice skating so just let you know that you're going to be on the side of Russell Cain I was ice skating anyway but like I say it's very pricey but if you box clever and book an advance

you can get it cheaper but I can that was the best thing I've ever sent my kids to you sometimes spend a tenner taking them to like a gingerbread making class that's Christmassy. All this is in one place. We were there for about four hours. You could have stayed longer if you wanted,

but it was a proper full day out and they absolutely loved it. So I would massively recommend it. It was honestly incredible, but I'd definitely look it up. I'd say for you, though, you want to go this year because your boy still can be carried around and he's not going to get in the way I'd actually say

you might be better off waiting for him to be three because it might be more of a pain in the arse taking him when he's about a year or 80 months

just running around like a lunatic because I don't care where they are you know what I mean the great thing about me going this year Rob is you've done so much

promo for them that they'll probably give me mine free so they should if they want to get in touch that'd be ideal i did i paid for mine which is fine but um if they do want to get in touch well i always think it's fair to give you a lot of free promo so it's if i know but honestly i want because that's because i want listeners to go and enjoy it and and and it was brilliant

like we have a do have an agreement on here we don't we do not flog anything that we don't sort of believe in do you know what i mean we're not even getting paid for that that's just me having a good time but um one thing i would like to bring up if you're an adult at ice skating using a penguin you are a fucking disgrace get off the ice and give a kid a penguin as my three-year-old is falling arse over tear. And it's some 35-year-old geezer with a penguin. I was like, you fucking moron. Do one. And also, oh, God, was in the bauble shop buying baubles for the tree.

Someone instantly smashed theirs. I was like, oh, God, they've had a nightmare. My kid, they both dropped theirs. So I bought four, took two home. But they wouldn't even charge me for it. They wouldn't charge me for the dropped one. Oh, that's nice. They said that's just part of being a child.

That is part of being a child. It also shows quite how cheap a bauble is at cost price. Yeah. Oh, I was salty. I was salty on this trip. Oh, no. To a 17-year-old child or person. Yeah, they're children.

Basically, I'm on the ice, and it's so painful on your back being hunched over a penguin with your kid on the penguin trying to help them with the penguin right my back was gone and the ice skates were hurting my feet it was you know it's like ice game it's horrible isn't it it's painful right kids love it anyway i'm doing that and i'm going around the ice right and as i'm going around the ice i'm slipping and push my kid on a penguin and someone goes and someone off the ice says excuse me can you come here and i have a photo and i shouted are you fucking mental i mean i'm the one ice skating and they want me to go over there

oh god but yeah you can't do that on the not on the ice no you can't do that on the ice you can't do that on the ice you can't do that on the... Not on the ice. No. No, you can't do that on the ice. You can't do that on the ice. You can't do that on the ice. How excited are your kids for Christmas, Rob? Very excited. I mean, we've had one birthday. Yeah. Which is... I was under a bit of pressure, though,

because I'm a classic dad with a recycling. They're opening their birthday presents 7am and the bin man comes 7.20. Oh. So I'm just... I've got a bag out for paper, I've recycled. Yeah, just want to have another present, because recycling is coming. If you want to just fucking hurry up, please.

You don't want that hanging around for a week. Oh, naughty Christmas coming up, it never ends. Oh, don't talk to me about recycling around Christmas, mate. My bin situation's getting out of hand. We are considering a further bin. What, a ninth? We need, but we don't need it all year. We need a ninth over the festive period.

Festive bin? We need a festive bin. You've already got eight bins. And that's not enough. I think Lou's got a problem. So where are you going to get your new bin? Well, probably should probably get it delivered. Like everything else in our fucking house.

The phone doesn't stop, the doorbell thing, when you see someone at your door, it doesn't stop all day. Me, just buzzing in strangers, holding boxes. Yeah, of course. Of course, Rob. Deliveries now, it's insane. It's absolutely incredible how much stuff can get bought and delivered. I think what they should do is I think

going forward they deal with the cardboard. What do you mean? The guy that delivers it? Yep. What, so you unwrap it there and then? And give it to him back.

That's my plan for the future. Oh, that's not a bad idea. And then they can recycle it properly. Because, you know, we get told off it gets wet, there's no way to storage.

Some people burn it. I know people burn it. You're not allowed to burn cardboard. But people burn it. People just let it get wet and you can't recycle it when it's when it's wet some stiff net told us that i think you take it out give it to them see you later i think that's a great idea do you agree i totally agree i i don't know if i totally trust amazon to do the right thing what makes you say that there's something about their track record that worries me. But apart from that, you know...

They might do. They might. I'll give Bezos a text. Give Bezos a text. He's in my celebrity divorcee phone book. Actually, I don't want to marry Jeff Bezos. I might marry his ex-wife. Half the money, but half the issues.

Half the problems. You don't want to have to go into space with your husband, do you, Rob? That's the issues. Half the problems. You don't want to have to go into space with your husband, do you, Rob? That's the last thing you bloody need. Last thing you want. Right, shall we do some Instagrams and then some small business shout-outs? Yes. More tired than Josh. I've got more tired than Josh.

Oh, yeah. Go on. Hit me. Hi, Rob and Josh. I listen to you from rural upstate New York, about 200 miles north of New York City, baby. How many? 20? 200 miles north of new york city baby how many 20 200 miles that's quite far that's that's not rural new york i live in rural north london in the midlands just by villa park yeah that's the video yeah when my eldest was about two months old i rocked him to sleep in my arms in his bedroom i decided to clip his fingernails while he slept first four fingers went fine also sorry i just had a text there oh god

yes you're going to deliver to my house i get it sorry but it beeped into my ears i'm getting trolled by delivery men i first the first four fingers went fine but i clipped his thumbnail too short i instantly started bleeding and he woke up and had that silent wide-eyed look that comes just before a big scream. Oh, my God. I jumped out of the rocker. I didn't know where I planned to go. I just leapt.

In that moment, I forgot my surroundings and managed to bolt my baby's head on the shelf that was beside me. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. In reaction to hitting his head, I tried to sit back down but misjudged and sat on the arm of the rocker instead of the seat. The rocker tipped over and we tumbled to the floor. What is this? Frank Spencer, what's going on?

I stayed on the floor, both of us crying as my husband rushed upstairs. Oh, my God. That is amazing. That's incredible. The baby was fine. His thumb stopped bleeding quickly and he didn't even get a bruise from the shelf i can laugh at it now but in the moment sleep deprived and hormonal i was sure i was the worst mom ever those days are rough those early days are rough shannon they are rough they are rough see that what that's the stage we're at now we're actually we've got it quite easy. The kids go to school.

My youngest isn't in school a week, but she starts all week from September. So we're over that horrible early start of it. But in the mornings, Josh, my house is just screaming. I feel like I'm moving into a new territory of parenting now, which is like children. With no babies, I've got children. And a dog. And a dog.

And I don't know if it's girls and Lou, but all we do in the morning, it's just like a massive row. It's so dysfunctional. I don't know if it's normal or not. It's just screaming at each other. I don't... She's got my toys.

I don't want to wear that. Row! I'm like... Or is it a triangular scream-a-thon with Lou? Or is it all four of you? What I would say is, I bring a little bit of composure to the party because

the three of them can get to quite a heated escalation of just arguing. I find I'm chilled and then I totally lose it where Lou will lose it. Not as bad as I'd totally lose it. Constant level of lose it. And I get that she's

with them more as well and in the mornings and stuff. So maybe that's what it is, the familiarity and stuff. But they just bicker. And then it'd be like, I'm not wearing them shoes. Go get them shoes. And then I'm like, no, you go and get the shoes. And Lou goes and has got the shoes because she didn't hear me say that the kid had to get the shoes.

And then when she brings back the shoes, she's like, see, I told you I was going to get my shoes. And it's all that. They're getting bright. They're getting cleverer. And that they're, I'm not physically tired now. I'm moving into mentally tired and it's a different time.

I'm getting enough before. I always used to think it was the sleep, but now it's the mental games. Yeah. So if anyone else has got kids that are at school going age, let me know. Do you, is your,

are your mornings just a massive row and then some days they're fine but some days it's like geordie shaw like you know when they get in from a night out in geordie shaw that's what my mornings are like at the moment so let me know hopefully i'm we're not i'm not the only one that's happening too but yeah let us know because it's carnage josh oh mate i actually think it would be quite nice just to have be able to put a baby in a high chair but which you'll rebuke and say you're a madman. But at this stage, it actually feels like it would be easier. No, do you know what?

I do think I'm at quite an easy stage with him because he's not crawling yet. Yes, when they run about, that's tough. But he's not needing to be carried around. So you're at a stage where that 45 minutes to an hour I spend downstairs with him in the morning is actually pretty chilled out time. Okay. That's good. But when they start walking.

I know. That's your death sentence, isn't it? The worst bit of parenting for me in terms of sheer boredom is the stage where they drag stuff up and down stairs. When they're about two and they've got like a pram or something and they're just dragging it up and down some steps and then they're going up and they're going down. Yeah, and they're safe on the stairs

and they can play up to them. Yeah, and they're going up and down. You have to be there because you're worried about them falling, but it's the most boring game in the world to you. That's the most boring stage. Yeah, because there's no danger anymore. You haven't got to be on it.

You've just got to be on it no no pretend to care about this stupid buggy up and down the stairs yeah i'd say they're great from at this stage about now and both my kids are at a great stage at the moment and i'm trying to enjoy that yeah you should well that's the thing as well because i've had a really busy week it's been stressful but then today in the nativity i was like you had a stressful morning you've got a stressful week but in this moment now you are having one of those magical memories of just it's just you in a room watching your daughter or son in this nativity so just batten down the other parents turned up but no but like it's almost like you have to nuclear bunker your brain and go we are now here and this is my entire world is in here forget my you know everything

else it's just this and then when i move out of here i'll be somewhere else but let's just enjoy this bit and not worry about the rest which is what i've been trying to do as well which i think is quite quite important isn't it or otherwise you're just it's a constant roller coaster on friday why don't you tell me about the nativity oh yeah i've not even told you about nativity probably have i okay well let's do that um Let's do a small business shout-out. Small business shout-out. Yes, here we go, what we've got here. Hello, I heard you talking about real Christmas trees

and them not being too environmentally friendly in a recent episode. Who are you going to tell me about getting a Christmas tree? I'll tell you that on Friday. Sorry, carry on. You should write... It's the maybe thing. I should write in for a small business shout-out.

I work for a charity and we collect and recycle real Christmas trees in January. All the trees we collect are chipped and used in our local community and the donations made in return raise money for our charity, the Kirkwood, a hospice in Kirklees. We use a website, which is also a charity itself and works with the charities across the country who collect the Christmas trees. If you visit www.charityxmas, X-M-A-S, treecollection.com, and type in your postcode, it will show you the charities collecting and recycling Christmas trees in your area. Good for the environment and your local community, Katie. Because this is the thing, something like the council say,

I'll take it to this local park, but you can't get your tree in your car with your kids and your dog and whatever. So if you go on the charity christmas tree collection.com website you literally just put it in and it helps all different local charities around the country brilliant look this collection is currently ongoing 63 hospices are involved there's been 5 400 christmas trees collected and 92 000 pounds raised i assume that's over the last years and than some people are getting rid of their tree already seems quite yes yeah anti christmas yeah come on guys let's enjoy that's a really good shout out so that is good and raise some money and another good one rob i recently started a charity called magic bricks

with an x b-r-i-x www.magicbricks.org we basically source pre-loved lego and create our own mixed gift boxes which we'll be distributing through a food bank this christmas to help families in crisis in We basically source pre-loved Lego and create our own mixed gift boxes, which we'll be distributing through a food bank this Christmas to help families in crisis in the UK. Oh, that's good. I know Rob is a huge Lego fan and just wanted to reach out to him and Josh and see if we'd get a mention on their podcast to help spread awareness, help us reach our goal of 100 boxes. All the best, Martin Sands.

That is a brilliant charity. That's www.magicbricks.org Also, we should say, Rob, do sign up to the mailing list because we're just doing a couple of small warm-up shows for the big show at Hackney Empire.

They're in tiny rooms, though, so those tickets will go on sale through the mailing list. So sign up there if you want to get those last few tickets available for those warm-up shows. They'll be a bit shambolic, I'm sure, but, you know, it'll be a fun hour or two of your lives. Yeah, just go to the Parenting Hell Instagram page, and in the bio is a link to the email mailing list. Brilliant. See you on Friday. See you on Friday.

Bye.