Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP47: The one where Josh gets Covid...

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

S03 EP47: The one where Josh gets Covid...More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Thanks to everyone who bought tickets for the live shows in January - both the Hackney date and the warm up shows sold out in minutes! If you want to be first in line for any potential future live dates, merchandise, and any additional show info then sign up to the mailing list here;parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxSmall Business info this episode:@buggyparkuk (Insta)Buggypark.co.ukwww.playproltd.co.uk (Golf Simulation hire) If you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's, at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... You say Rob Beckett.

Rob Beckett. And you say Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe. You say Josh... Josh... Josh... Josh... Widdicombe.

Oh, come on. Come on now. Oh, dear. Well done, Eli. Well done. Well done. Well done. Oh. Can I guess where they're from?

Yeah, well, that's the game, isn't it, these days? Two, my two approach, I think they were like either, they hear me out before you tell me, Hackney or Clapham, but now they've got a kid called Eli, they've had to move to Walthamstow or Streatham for more space right do you know what

I'll give you the whole of London what was the answer you can have the whole of London I'm not I'm not going to restrict you to you know to suburbs yeah no

but that's what the vibe I'm getting I'm talking through my working out process sounds like it's a bit of a trendy name he sounds quite confident works in media

probably lived in zone 2 or 3 the carnival the big house in zone started to move out my working out process. Sounds like it's a bit of a trendy name. He sounds quite confident, works in media, probably lived in zone two or three, the carnival, the big house in zone, so I had to move out a couple of zones. I'm going to say to you, Rob. I'm wrong? Yeah.

I think when I gave you the whole of London, it was obvious that it wasn't in London. Okay. Dublin. Fuck. So wrong. So wrong. What fucking accent is that

they're in the bloody EU mate they're in the EU oh it's the European accent I couldn't get through yeah exactly so it sounded so European compared to me and you hello Rob

Josh and Michael this is my son Eli he's two years old I've been listening to the podcast for the last year and it's made lockdown and parenting that much easier hearing everyone else is in the same boat. I've now persuaded my wife, Lindsay, to listen.

She'll now go out regularly in the evening to walk our five-month-old to get some peace and quiet and listen to yourselves. Two-year-old and a five-month-old, Rob. That is intense. That is tough. And no wonder your accent's all over the place. He's not sleeping. He's lost his accent. He hasn't been Irish anymore. No. Well, that is Craig and intense. That is tough. And no wonder your accent's all over the place. He's not sleeping.

Exactly. He hasn't been Irish anymore. No. Well, that is Craig and Lindsay in Dublin. In Dublin. Thanks for being,

and he writes, in capital letters, so relatable. Unbelievable. Funny and sexy, please, next time. Yes. I don't want to be relatable.

We've said it. I fuck relatable. Exactly. Funny and sexy. That's what they call us. One of us is funny, one of us is sexy. One of us is sexy. Relatable.

Fucking hell. How are you, Josh? How relatable are you feeling today? Oh, mate. Well... Well, I know what's happened in your life. Are you going to share with the listeners? Yeah, fucking hell.

Yeah, of course. Not the divorce. Not the huge spike that we all hope one of us will have. We're not having any more kids. We need the spiking listeners to pay for the costs. The problem is, the worse our personal life gets, the better this podcast gets. But no divorce.

Well, I've got good news for you then, Rob. Oh, go on. Like 98% of people I know living in London, I am currently locked down with COVID. You've actually got it. You've actually got it. I've actually got it, Rob. Lots of tests. There's been lots of tests.

Confirmed with a normal, you're at home, whatever that one's called. LFT, lateral flow. Yeah, the LFT and the PCR. Oh, you've been double confirmed. Do you want to hear the story of my week? Yes, yeah, talk us through it.

Or should we have your nice week first? No, no, let's start with your shit. People are miserable. Let's make them feel a bit better. Do you know what, Rob? And we will come to this. Other people being locked in

is... You know when you're in a... You know when you're in a queue and you look back and there's loads of people that have joined since you did and it makes you feel so much better?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the people that have got COVID in the last four days has really given me a spring in my step as I walk around my house. So are you now looking at case numbers positively? Yes, another 90,000 fuckers locked in. Come on.

All I'm saying, Rob, is when I got COVID, it took me a day or two to come to terms with the fact that perhaps it was good news because I was one of the few people in the country that was definitely not going to be locked in for Christmas. Yeah, so when's your release day? I am out for Christmas. I am out for Christmas. So you can go, you can have your normal Christmas, Christmas day? We will be having, well, at the time of recording, Rob. Oh yeah, we don't know what the rules might be, guys. We don't know what the rules might be. We removed the word lockdown a little bit early.

Oh, I can't wait to see my family at Christmas. Yes, children, keep saying that out loud and I'll nod and cry inside. Just in case. Fucking hell. Anyway, I will be out and about. I'll be walking around the park on Christmas Day enjoying myself, Rob. I mean, it's weird being locked in. I haven't worn shoes in six days. Do you reckon you'd be able to get, you know, be like the

people that go and shipwreck to like go and live on a desert island? You'd just be able to cope? I don't know. I feel like I don't know what's going to happen. Like, I just don't wear shoes. So you're not allowed out at all, are you? No. Full lockdown, isn't it? Yeah, you're not allowed out. So, I you? No. Full lockdown, Nick. So I'll take you back. What's the rules? If, say, you're in a flat on your own, right, and you've got COVID, and your mate's got COVID in another flat around the corner, are you allowed to just have a COVID Christmas?

I don't think so, Rob, but... But why not? I don't know. Everyone's already infected. I know. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Can you meet up for a big COVID party? I'm sure there's a reason why not.

They might make a new variant. Exactly. For the love of God, that is the last thing I need to do. Omicron and Delta shagged on Christmas Day because they're the only ones left in the student residence. They fucked each other's head off, shit-faced on Baileys,

because the world's about to end Oh, God Merry Christmas Merry Christmas, one and all So, let me take you back to last weekend When everything felt fine in my life Talk us through it So, last weekend, everything felt fine

Went to watch Stickman on Saturday morning. Thoroughly enjoyed myself. Lovely. Did you take the kids or just solo? Yeah, no, just solo because I didn't, you know, I didn't want them to go to a super spreader event. Of course. The afternoon, we met up with three of my daughter's friends

and their parents, and we went for a walk, and then we had lunch, right? Yeah. And then Sunday did last leg a New Year's special. Oh, lovely. Well, but it wasn't the New Year. No, Rob, but let's be honest.

Everyone's going to realise that was pre-recorded when they see the audience and everyone on New Year's Eve as the show goes out. Let's be honest, it's going to look fucking mental when that goes out on New Year's Eve as the show goes out. Let's be honest, it's going to look fucking mental when that goes out on New Year's Eve. What about Brooker? Brooker's clean as a fucking whistle.

Maybe it's the no leg. Exactly. Maybe it's passed by the toes. Look, I'm doing my own research here and there's a big correlation to people with one leg and not having COVID. Exactly. Do you know what I'm saying? Maybe there's a conspiracy I'm unravelling here. Yeah.

All right. If there's any people out there that's got one leg and got COVID, let me know so I can draw a line through this. Okay. But if you've got one leg and you're listening and you haven't had COVID, let me know because I'm building a case. Yeah. Because I don't know if that's the natural immunity people are looking for.

Do you know what? I'd take the COVID. I'd chop my own leg off to get rid of covid all right then off you go here's your chance enjoy your christmas by the way rob bear in mind and i'm not sure if you just remember what you've said to track and trace when you're saying all this out loud sadly the good thing about track and trace mate it was just an online filling form have they oh they won't stop texting me to say stay in the house i'm in the fucking house i'm telling you something now rob i'm in the fucking house stop telling me doing what i'm doing tell you something that's good rob yeah when you're ordering

Christmas presents I've had no worries about being in for them being delivered every time I get a text from DHL I bought a Christmas present earlier

it said do you want to pay extra for a one hour delivery slot no I'll take the full day couldn't give a shit mate then it turns up at 9am I go that's my day gone

been waiting to twitch and look out the window all day for that. Yeah. Oh, mate, I haven't missed a delivery all week. Have you had loads of football?

Have you been watching the football? Not really, no. Oh, right, okay. Why not? Why not? Yeah. The Liverpool game was on during bedtime, wasn't it?

Yeah, sort of 4.30 through to... Yeah, I forget you've got young ones still i don't really at christmas i've just written it off bedtime yeah they sort of put themselves to bed they they're having sleepovers in the in the um eldest one's room so i've i dragged the mattress in so they could have a mattress seat to sleep on the mattress on the floor together oh well there it's really cute but it's just it's all off they're basically squatters now aren't they i've got two squatters swampy up there we need a new i need a new squatter reference other than fucking swampy

which is from like what 97 yeah if anything rob it's the exact reference i like so keep going okay okay if anyone's got because you can't use greta thunberg or what's your famous i think swampy's fine i think swampy's fine. Swampy's fine. Do you remember when he went on Have I Got News For You in the 90s? Absolutely incredible. Was he good on it? Was he on it or was he just squatting?

Yeah, they didn't want him on, he just tunnelled in. I think that's what Ian Hitslop and Paul Merton have done. Fucking hell. He tunnelled up next to Paul Merton. He's been there 35 years. Anyway. Anyway, sorry, Swampy. Oh yeah, on the topic of sleep, Rob. Yeah, go on.

Our jump ahead decided to use our time in lockdown to do some sleep training. Isn't that an insane decision? Oh, wow. How's it going? First night. So what we're going to do, he's waking up at, like, 4.30. So is it back to 4.30 now?

You had a slight reprieve at half five, quarter past five, didn't you? Yeah, back to 4.30. And we're like, we've got to do something about this. And we're locked in the house. Why not? Fair enough. We can torture ourselves. I've already told you that's just what time he's going to get up because that's what I did for four years.

And my mum said this and agreed with me and said that is true. Okay, I've got bad news for Mrs Beckett. You sorted it out? Yeah. So what are you saying, my mum's a lazy bitch and should have put some effort in? No, you very much use those words. Oh, you're saying she's not a very good mum? Is that what you're saying, my mum's a lazy bitch and should have put some effort in. I'm not saying that. You very much use those words. Oh, you're saying she's not a very good mum? Is that what you're saying?

If she actually put some effort into her parenting, it would have been all right. Is that what you're trying to say to my mum who was at home raising loads of kids while my dad was out lorry driving? An incredible monologue from you. Sorry, no, go ahead. So what have you done?

So first night, Rob, so it's just about reset, leg in, and then leaving the room. Reset or leave the room. Okay. Between 4.30 and 6 a.m., which is the desired time of him getting up. Yeah. It was a long hour and a half.

Really? I was going in every minute. So that's 90 visits. One point I decided to make myself a cup of tea, but I didn't have time to do the full tea making process So I was doing a little bit of the tea making process Between each visit So how does it work then?

Go in, resettle him, go out, put the kettle on Go in, resettle him, go out Put the tea bag in the cup Go in, resettle him, come back out Back into the kitchen, pour the water on Go in, resettle him, come back out Get the milk out of the fridge, etc. There's a lot of stairs in your house. You've got an old house. It must be like, it's all

up in it, your house. Oh, mate, I've done a lot of walking in the last few days. You need to get some running shoes. Never mind no shoes. The little ones with each toe's got a section. Oh, God, the Craig Campbells. No, thank you. Craig Campbell's a comedian. He used to do gigs on the circuit wearing them running shoes that are like little turtle feet.

What a reference that is. What a reference. He won't be listening, I can tell you that. So how do you resettle in a minute? Who would have thought Swampy would be the broader reference? You're fucking mainstream

modern references like Swampy. Anyway, sorry guys. Anyway, sorry. Anyway. Right, so. How do you resettle? What does that mean? Rub the belly. You know, calm down.

And what about the kid? Possibly pit. It's lovely humour. People really enjoy that. Just walks in, rubs his belly, leaves. That is relatable. That is neither sexy nor funny, but it's relatable. Because I've got a belly and I sometimes rub it.

I love these guys. So you've got to rub the belly, shush, shush, shush, and then out. Yeah, pick him up. If needs be, rock, then put back. Leave when he's... So you're not, like, leaving him to cry out or anything. You're just... Anyway, did that till 6am and then get him up.

That was last night. Not last night, the night before. This morning. He woke up at quarter past six. I couldn't fucking believe it. So one go at that and now... He woke up at quarter past six for the first time in his life. That's mental.

It's absolutely mental, Rob. I couldn't believe it happened. From such extreme 90 seconds, like not one minute, in and out, in and out, to just like a full sleep till 6.30. I couldn't believe it had happened. So that's happened once since the

sleep training? Yeah, I mean, it might go wrong. No, no, no. I'm not trying to. I'm not trying to. I'm not saying, thinking it's's not gonna go fucking wrong tomorrow morning don't get me wrong on that yeah not my first rodeo my friend i am not thinking that's that you're not in celebratory mood it's sort of quiet optimism yeah i'm it's gone to var and you think it's probably offside that kind of feeling okay fair enough there's an inquiry being led by the baby into what time he wakes up i've had a look at the facts i think i'm gonna get up at 4 30 again it's probably offside. That kind of feeling. Yeah, okay, fair enough. There's an inquiry being led by the baby

into what time it wakes up. Yeah. I've had a look at the facts and I think I'm going to get up at 4.30 again. Okay. It's been quite... But, yeah, so we did that.

That was a strange turn of events. God knows whether it'll work in the long term, but it was... This morning, it was surreal. Do you know what? The day is a lot shorter than it felt before yeah but you're still getting up though watching schumacher documentaries aren't you of course

because it's a lovely time of day well are you just sleeping till six what are you probably tomorrow but this morning i didn't set my alarm because i presumed he'd get up so that was the error of judgment so tomorrow i'll set my alarm so you'll be setting your alarm tomorrow for a lovely 4 30 doc of course i will of course I will. Of course I will. Yeah. Oh, that's good, though. And yeah, I'm sorry. So you've done sleep training in your isolation time.

So have you all got the vid or is it just you? Well, so Tuesday evening, just get a call from nursery. My daughter's got a temperature. Uh-oh. Got to get her PCR'd to allow her to go back into the nursery. But they're like, don't worry. There's a cold going around. Everyone's getting PCR'd at the moment.

There's also a fucking COVID going around. Oh yeah, all the kids are getting PCR'd though. Don't worry. They're all coming back negative. You've got nothing to worry about. Go home. I'm like, she's got the Christmas party on the Thursday. Shall we pay for a really quick PCR?

Because we just want to get her back into nursery to really enjoy nursery. In the end, we can't do that because that's for people going on holiday or something. So we get the NHS one the next morning. 9am, we're driving to Hackney Marshes. Just another fucking football pitch. Driving to Hackney Marshes. Just another fucking football pitch. No, driving to Hackney Marshes

to get the PCR. About 8.15 in the morning, Rob, before we set off. Text into the group of the parents we've all seen on Saturday. Oh, no. One of the parents has got COVID. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Stuff's falling into place. By the time we reach the PCR test, four of the parents have gone down with COVID. You're not being quite optimistic about the test? No. Also, bear in mind, on the Tuesday, sorry,

we both got our boosters, right? So on Tuesday night... You're so fucking boosted. So on Tuesday night... You must have so much COVID in you. Well, on Tuesday night, I sweated like I've never sweated before in my life. And I've seen you sweat.

Yeah. Honestly, it was... The bed was sodden. And when I got up... Fucking swampy. I sleep in boxer shorts, Rob. And it's like I'd pissed myself. Sorry, I can't... It was insane.

Which I'd put down to the booster, but I don't think it was. God, this booster's a bit light. Apparently, I don't even really remember the trail. We went to bed at about 9pm that night. And as I was going to sleep, I was just saying to Rose, I'm in trouble here. I'm in trouble here.

I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. So is she in trouble. I'm in trouble. So is she. I hope she's a good swimmer. So then when we get to the PCR place, by that point we think it might be wise not to just get one for my daughter. Luckily they let us both have them while we're there, which was very nice of them.

Yeah, that's good. And baby, you don't need to do baby, do you? No. Well, we did him with a lateral flow. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, my God. Doing the PCR on my daughter was absolutely unbelievable.

Baby screaming next to her. Me trying to... Just awful, awful, awful, awful. Just her screaming. Like, just like Torch, just holding her down, holding her arms down. And they don't get it. They don't get it. No.

So we had to do one on my daughter, and we did it, the lateral flow, and it came back negative. But we had to do a PCR because someone in her class had it. So we took her to do the PCR, and they let her do it to herself. No. Did she do it?

Yeah, but not, I don't know. It didn't feel like a nurse had done it no but like the nurse was there and she seemed happy with it

so what I'm not I can't bowl in and go excuse me love but I think I'm going to have to take charge

you are a qualified nurse but I've decided that's not a good enough examination shove it up her fucking nose, mate. Get back and tickle the brain. Come on. Run a tight ship here.

So that was awful. And Rose, did she do herself or did you do Rose as well? Yeah, I held down Rose. So then we, Wednesday and Thursday lunchtime, I come back positive. Oh. And then they were all staggered as well. It was like, it was awful.

It was like by about an hour or two. And then my daughter comes back positive. Oh, no. And then Rose comes back fucking negative. The Iron Lady. Unbelievable. Really? Yeah.

Fucking strong. That is postpartum power hormones, that is. Yeah. And we've been doing no lateral flow since, and she's been fine. Yeah. Well, she might have had it asymptomatically before, but then you... I think it was her, Rob. I'm blaming her.

You think she gave it to you guys and hers has cleared up? Yes, that's what I think happened. Because there are people, there are parents from that group who've not had any symptoms that have got it. Really? Yeah, so she could have easily had it asymptomatically last week without realising. Oh, God knows.

God knows. Who knows? Where do you even start? But at least you're out. And has it been all right indoors? Has she missed a lot of stuff? So it's still locked in. So she can go out and get stuff, obviously.

Oh, Rose is there. Oh, yeah, because Rose doesn't have to isolate, does she? Rose doesn't have to isolate. But you still can't really be parting it up if you've got... No, no, no. COVID at home. No. I'd have been annoyed if she'd gone to Jimmy Carr's party without me.

Did she? No. Anyway, so we've been locked in for five, six days by now. Can't even remember anymore. We were supposed to be meeting up to do one of these in person with Michael and have a little drink and celebrate. It's horrible. All the little fun celebration stuff sort of been taken away, innit?

Do you know what? In a weird way, being locked down has been slightly easier, not easier, but like slightly easier than people who are having to make the decisions over what to do for the next week, if you know what I mean. I think in a way, getting it now where you are out for Christmas

and you don't have to make decisions on doing stuff, it's taken out of your hands, it's probably actually quite a nice thing to happen. The only worry we've got is Rose getting it. And then she'd be logged out for Christmas and we can have people for Christmas. It's just constant worry. I've been a bit of a messer last week, Josh.

I can't get my head right. The news is so depressing. Oh, it's so depressing. I'm all over the shop. I'm all over the place. The other day, I was trying to do Christmas shopping. I was so busy out.

I didn't know what to do. So I just went into a pub and got pissed to my own for two hours because I was meeting someone. That's the safest way, Rob. It's the safest way. So basically, I finish work at three o'clock and i'm supposed to be meeting friends at five o'clock right and i was like i'll go do a bit of christmas

shopping i was looking around the shops i was getting all stressed when i fuck this when my boost is not for another week let's see if i can get a walk-in booster so i got a cab to like this uh one of the hospitals near euston there's a massive queue they weren't moving the people said i've waited nine hours i was like fuck this I went back there was another chemist oh it's a four hour wait and I thought you know what I'm doing

I'm just going to get pissed and I had two pints and it felt like there wasn't COVID anymore oh mate it was really nice I had two pints and then I met my mates

that's the first time I've been really jealous that I'm locked in that I had a pint on my own near a hospital yeah isn't that awful yeah and then I was all like oh my god I'm meeting. Yeah, isn't that awful? Yeah.

And then I was all like, oh, my God, I'm meeting people out. It's going to be, should I do this? Should I not? Blah, blah. And I got there and it was fucking, no, everyone had cancelled. So there was no one in the restaurant. We were just in the middle of a restaurant on our own. I was like, there's less people here than there would have been in the street.

But it is horrible that, and I'm finding myself getting a bit snappy at people, Josh. I don't know if you have this. I was in the park with the girls. Anyway, we're walking the dog, and, you know, my kids, you know, it's like 4 o'clock in the afternoon, getting a bit dark, and we're just running around the park with the dog, and I think she was trying to be nice. She was saying to my dog, oh, look at all the leaves.

Why don't you pick up all the leaves and make a lovely leaf collage when you get in? And I was like, all right, fucking ideas. Do you want to come round my house and do that? Because she's four. She ain't going to fucking just knock out a leaf collage without me or Lou having to dedicate an hour to this. What the fuck are you bringing up? Get your nose out of my fucking...

Oh, do a little fucking leaf... Yeah, come round and do it. Fucking making me do a leaf collage. You called her Swampy, didn't you? I was right, Swampy. Get your fucking leaf ideas to yourself. Go and protest about that new train line. I'm going to get her own tired and watch Super Sunday with my feet up

while my kids watch their iPads, because that's who I am, all right? That's what I need today. Do you know what? We've implemented that, Rob. This has been the first time we've gone, do you know what, to my daughter? Yeah. You can't have the TV anymore. You can watch on your iPad.

Oh, really? Do you know what the breaking point was what was the breaking point she didn't want to watch Muppets Christmas Carol and I was like this is too much you can watch

fucking A. Dougie on your iPad I didn't say fucking but you thought it I thought it and we're going to watch a Muppets Christmas Carol because that's what

we want to watch look look this is Josh this is the future you've just got to do whatever you want to do, and then the kids fitting around it, it's the only way. I didn't know that that was an option, Rob. It's always an option.

I'll watch the football, you have your iPads. I didn't know that was the option. It is an option. Sometimes you can be too good at parenting. Sometimes you need to take your foot off the pedal a bit. They like a bit of iPad time. They've got to spend their whole life looking at screens. Learn them early.

Yeah, do you know what? It is. their whole life looking at screens. Learn them early. Yeah. Do you know what? It is. Said a man who just said, learn them early. A Trump speech, that was. I'm so festive though, Rob. So festive at the moment. I feel very festive to be honest.

How's it been? It's been a very emotional week as well because I get anxiety. So this, for me, is not ideal. Do you know what I not ideal stuff keeps moving um and like it was my four there was a four four-year-old's birthday party on sunday we had 18 cancellations on the day oh mate oh fucking hell and so at the actual part was brilliant not because they've got covid because they were worried no so it was a bit like one some people were going traveling so they had to do a pcr test like in a couple of days some people were isolating some people had it some people had got their nan coming so all totally understandable reasons why but you just like i

can't cancel my four-year-old's birthday party anyway so there was about seven in the end and actually you know what we were so worried about it but at one point that broke our heart was when uh lou was getting them ready and then the four-year-old went oh mommy who's coming to my party and we said the names of the kids and she went that's not many oh mate oh god oh god but you know what we was and poor lou had put so much effort into it and it was horrible but it actually was wonderful because we had really close friends and family there because it was all the family that we were going to spend Christmas with

anyway so it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter. Do you know what I mean? So a lot of the adults were there and they sort of joined in

but there was like seven kids, the entertainer was brilliant, the face painting lady was unbelievable and we had a bouncy castle. It felt a bit like...

The kids, one of the things with parties is the kids don't get enough, it takes too long to get to the face painting. Yeah, exactly. They're in a big group with the entertainer. Maybe seven is the ideal number. Honestly, mate, it was so much better.

I genuinely loved it. We come out of that going, because that's like, you know, the old sort of fable, the maybe thing, where you think something's going to be bad, but you never really know. Yeah. So it's like an old, where like the Chinese farmer, there's a storm knocked down a fence, all his horses run away and they go,

oh, that's terrible. He goes, maybe. And then one day, loads of wild horses just turn up and he manages to catch them and fence them in and they go, that's great, you've got all these wild horses.

And he goes, maybe. Then his kid goes out with the horse and gets kicked off the horse, breaks his leg and they go, oh God, that's terrible. He says, maybe. Next day, the army come and they don't take his kid for conscription

because he's got a broken leg. And they go, isn't that lucky that he says maybe. Yes. they don't take his kid for conscription because he's got a broken leg and they go isn't that lucky that he says maybe yes we don't know enough to worry it's like you don't know alex brooker loses a leg is that bad maybe he's got a channel four contract exactly do you know what i mean so you never really you we don't know enough to know the full implications of what's going to happen so actually actually, with it being seven, it was brilliant because if everyone did turn up, I think it would have felt a bit too many people in a room and everyone would have felt awkward, like, fucking hell, it's a bit busy here.

But because it was smaller, it was better. The kids got face painted, they got their arms painted. They all look like they're in gangs by the end of it because they were covered in tats. And we had a brilliant time. But I tell you what's funny, though. It was a dinosaur-themed party, right? And to be fair it felt a bit like a saudi prince or roman abramovich because there was only seven kids and we'd like got stuff like 24 it was like it's about the front about an

hundred pound ahead for this fucking party but um let me send you this photo of the invite um i'll put it on instagram as well let me find the thing this will make you laugh what's written at the bottom of the card because it's a dinosaur fiends party. Read out what the Diplodocus is saying at the bottom of the party underneath all the information, Josh. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Party like you're going extinct. Yeah. Oh, no, mate. Party like you're going extinct. And we're not going to be able to make it, actually. Party like you're going extinct. And we're not going to be able to make it, actually. So that was horrible.

And do you know what, like, classic anxiety, me and Lou were so stressed in the build-up to it, and it was actually brilliant. Like, not just, oh, we've muddled through that. They all really enjoyed themselves. It was really good fun. I enjoyed it. One, you could, because there weren't so many people there, I could actually watch my kids engaging with each other

and entertain a person. But leading up to it, mate, I've been emotionally all over the place. Have you seen that TV show, like the pet show, with Joanna Page from Gavin and Stacey, Dermot Leary? It's almost like a small... No, I saw a clip of it.

Slash Top Gear for pets, where they talk about pets, they have an obstacle course, and who can do it the quickest and stuff like that. And then they had this one, it was like a, it was a pet of the year or something. And it was this dog, right? This poor fucking dog, right? That had one ear and no eyes.

And it had been found in a Lebanon, tied up to a skip and being used as target practice. They x-rayed it had 20 25 to 50 shrapnels of bullets from like air rifles in it where they'd been just shooting it tied to a thing and this woman rescued it and it was also like being taken to hospices to like be friends with the the older people in there that couldn't have visitors because of covid and his dog's going in and there was one he's old this old boy then you know that old people they look like they're falling apart this poor bloke was like cuddling it kissing going oh come here boy

and this dog is loving it he's blind they've got one ear and i'm like i'm in tears josh oh mate and lose that you're right i'm like you i don't know and then i laughed hysterically because i realized it was a fucking street dog you know these street dog things you keep talking about motherfucking street dog i'm crying over a fucking street dog. Oh, my God. But, yeah, it's just constant second-guessing stress and worrying and, oh, it's carnage, isn't it? Do you know, that's why being locked in...

This is one of the weird things, is I had loads of things planned, like a couple of parties and a trip and stuff. And also, this was, like, like the first this was the mad thing is from last leg finishing on the 12th that's the earliest i've finished for christmas yeah since i did comedy and i've spent the whole time that like the last three or four months going i cannot wait for that time off yeah that's what i was feeling when there's nursery and then it's all collapsed but you know what being stuck in not being able

to do anything and it's just the family has been like the one thing i've really needed to do there's been no pressure to do any work there's been nothing else i can do and it's actually it's like a kind of you know like a hallmark movie where you realize what the true spirit of christmas is yes and it's on that little detox of just oh this, this is what we're all doing it for, not go out, see them, get drunk, do this, do that, go to the lights, go to the thing, you know. Yeah. You run around like a blue arse. The amount of stuff, we've cancelled a few things this week,

like I was supposed to be meeting up with you and stuff like that, but actually it's been so much nicer to go, oh, I'll do this and I can spend the day with the kids or just do that, you know, little stupid boring things of like, oh, I could do a little bit of Lego or tidy that cupboard up or sort the bins out and all that stuff that makes you feel a bit calmer at home. Totally. So I think, you know, little stupid, boring things of like, oh, I could do a little bit of Lego or tidy that cupboard up or sort the bins out and all that stuff that makes you feel a bit calmer at home. So I think, you know, obviously I don't want to go into another lockdown,

but rather than sitting at home sulking because that event's not happening, just think, oh, I'm just here and I'm resting. And because people talk, that self-care thing is like, read a book, lie down. But normally the best thing you can do with self-care is say no. Like, do you want to come out no i don't now and not feel so like obliged to to go out for the sake of it or just you know to be polite but um well i'm glad you're because in considering situation you're enjoying this uh inside also like i've after the night of the sweats i haven't really had any symptoms so i'm you know yeah quite lucky with that yeah so obviously i'm lucky with

that but fucking hell a lot of people i know have got it rob so many people have got it i know more people that have currently got covid like if you added up everyone i know who's had covid in the last two years versus everyone who's currently got it i know more who've currently got it now okay well let's do it get your pen and paper out. Okay. People I know before you. That's about it. Yeah. Me, anyone that went to Wembley. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Right. Well, yeah, that's good. At least it's been fun at home. Anything else to report or anything else going on? All your Christmas shopping done, I imagine? Yeah, of course. All done online, obviously, now, because it's very difficult to go out and do my Christmas shopping.

We've got a list. So this is a slight issue yeah obviously um well not obviously so ro i rose can't drive right yeah so well actually no license are you quite misogynistic with your views i just don't think she checks her blind spot enough she can't drive yeah she got she got a license all right mate oh. But doing 20 in a 30s, I'm fucking our man up. But anyway, right. I was going to go

out and do the big shop for Christmas. Oh, yeah. Of course, you're not allowed to. But I can't do that. So Rose is going to

have to do it in small journeys. Like she's shuffling out, like, you know, like when someone's breaking out of prison, getting rid of the mud. Yeah, exactly. She's going to have to do it in 16 different small journeys.

Do you want, Josh, I literally, I'm not doing much this week. Do you want me, I can drive up and take her to the shops. Could you? Yeah. Oh, well, maybe I'll ask her. Yeah, that'd be amazing. Well, let us know. We could do that or something.

Well, that'd be nice, yeah. That'd be lovely, Rob. Oh, I'll tell her. Well, yeah, I can do could do that or something. Well, that'd be nice. Yeah. That'd be lovely, Rob. Oh, I'll tell her. Well, yeah, I can do that. I don't mind doing that. Drive her to a shop. That's very nice of you. You've ruined my content for the show, obviously.

Well, let me tell you what. Yeah, if she gets... Because if she just tells me a shop at a pick-up time, I'll come and get her and drop her home. Oh, Rob, you're a gentleman. I'm not going to wait outside like some sort of fucking mug. But she can make her own way there. Let us know.

She can walk to fucking Tesco, mate. The jealousy I have when she goes out of the house is unbelievable. It's incredible. It's like, you know when you're like, what it must be like in prison when someone else gets released before you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Each day she goes out. She just goes to buy coffee in the morning. You don't know how lucky you are. Galavanted around. Josh, can I have a rant at you about Christmas shopping presents? Yeah, yeah. Amazon.

I would buy four bottles of spirits, right? For gin it was. It's sort of a ruin of Christmas present, but I don't know if they're listening. Anyway, four bottles of spirits, right? For gin, it was. It's sort of a ruin of Christmas present, but I don't know if they're listening. Anyway, four bottles of gin. For my daughter's birthday. For my daughter. Four bottles of gin, right? For presents for some people.

Do you want to subscribe to this order for every month? Pardon? No. I just want four bottles of gin, you fucking lunatic. What kind of mad bastard is subscribing to an amazon regular delivery of four bottles of gin a month what kind of monster do you think there should be some limit on that shouldn't it that is incredible they just try and get you like oh i'll get some batteries for the fire alarm do you want to subscribe oh well yeah okay yeah please can you send me that battery once every

three years or i'll just remember next time hey subscribing unbelievable oh the other thing as well the um you know i don't know if your daughter your daughter's not in school some schools have um like a house houses or forms which go out through the year so each class has got the kid to split up into four different things so there's like authors so there's like crompton and bronte and stuff yeah anyway so i'll get an email from the school um well and it just says well done and so it said my daughter's name at the top dear um well you know rob's daughter um congratulations crompton of one house of the year which means crompton gets a year yellows crompton's collect they get to wear yellow to on friday to celebrate their win well done crompton

and i was like okay cool text me i need to to get a yellow top for her to wear to school. And she was like, why? I went, oh, Crompton, she's won. Alistair's won. She went, oh, no, she's in Bronte. I'm like, why the fuck are you telling me? Crompton's won. Take me off the email.

What? I don't give a shit. That's not the team. Imagine being an Arsenal fan. Like, oh, it's an email. Congratulations, Tottenham have won the league wear white

and fuck off I've lost I don't need to be told what they're doing to celebrate you fucking hate Crompton don't you fucking Crompton

bastards I'll turn up there mate with a little bandana on the back pocket and a gat fuck it

you want to fucking win we'll show you who wins next year mate do you want a couple of Instagram messages before we wrap up? Let's do some messages, Rob. Okay, I've got some great Instagrams actually today.

Oh, yes, please. Some really good. Do you want some listening abroad? Yes, please. Hi, guys. I listen to the podcast from a small village called Berg in the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg. Oh, lovely.

Do I win anything? No, you don't. You already live in the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg. Oh, lovely. Do I win anything? No, you don't. You already live in the Grand Duchy. Yeah. Isn't that Prince Charles? What, the Duchy? Yeah. Yeah, is that what...

Yeah, I think it might be. The Duchy. Yeah. It's a posh word. I don't really understand what it means. Also, we've got... I know you love to hear the people listening to you all over the globe,

so I just wanted to let you know we live in Kenya. Kenya. I love your podcast. Yes, please. Last weekend, we went on safari and you playing in the car over the globe. So I just wanted to let you know we live in Kenya. Kenya. I love your podcast. Yes, please. Last weekend, we went on safari and you playing in the car at the time. Our constant chuckles were dispersed with shouts of elephant and zebra as our son napped through the whole thing.

We love the show. We love a shout out. At least you live in Kenya. You've not gone far away for it. Anna, Tom and Max. There we go. Boom apparel. Let's do some boom apparel. There we go. Boomer Perrin. Let's do some Boomer Perrin because these are great. Let's finish on

Boomer Perrin. I've got one thing here. I've got Boomer Perrin and I've got a teacher. You know, I moaned about parents evenings being short. I've got a teacher. It's only fair you hear both sides. Absolutely love the podcast. This is from Jack underscore 1609. Absolutely love the podcast. Look forward to new underscore 1609. Absolutely love the podcast.

Look forward to new episodes every week. Just a wee perspective. I basically said that 10 minutes per appointment on Teams isn't enough because the clock counts down and they're gone before you can ask a question. Anyway, so just a wee perspective from a secondary school teacher in Glasgow, re-parent nights. I totally understand Rob's frustration only being allowed 10 minutes per appointment and then being over Teams.

Believe me, speaking kind of presumptuously on behalf of teachers, we would much rather it be in person too. No question, Teams is not ideal for us, but 10 minutes per appointment for a class of 33 kids is 5.5 hours extra meeting at the end of a day's teaching. For secondary, five-year groups, three times a. Extending it to 15 minutes per appointment would mean we are meeting parents for eight hours and 15 minutes at the end of a working day. Cut it down to five. Cut it down to five. It's a massive difference when it all adds up, just throwing a different point of view in the mix.

I'd also like to say, if you don't like it, get a different fucking job, Josh. That's what I think about that. I don't like driving to Dundee. I don't move Dundee, do I? Well, do you know what I'd compare it to, Rob? Do you know what I'd compare it to? What? Do you know what I'd compare it to? What?

Do you remember when we used to do a gig and there'd be a bill and there'd be 12 acts doing 10 minutes and some pricks would overrun? Yeah, and you've got to get back. No, I'm only messing. I do understand that point of view. However, what I would say is

I think it's pointless having a parent's evening when there's not time for questions. But at my girls' school, what they're very good at is if you do have any questions and you email them in, they will get back to you. So that is resolved. Your first question was, what house is she in, wasn't it?

Yeah. I'm there in a big dress, head to toe in yellow, supporting the calls. I'm really embarrassing when I found out that's the wrong call. No, but to be fair, in their defense... In your face, yellow. They're very good at getting back to you. But what I think you should do is either stretch it to 12 minutes where 10 minutes of the teacher two minutes for the adults to ask the

question or just make sure you can ask questions but i do understand it's a long day but um you know it's a long old day right here's boomer parenting this is good boomer parenting okay these are these are absolutely exceptional to be fair hi rob and josh absolutely loving the podcast my friend recommended it the other day and and I've been listening on repeat. Not sure what rock I was hiding under before. When I was younger, we had two guinea pigs, which were meant to be both girls. But turns out Sandy was actually a Sam, and we ended up with baby guinea pigs. One morning, one of the baby guinea pigs had died overnight, and I was distraught.

The following morning, my dad shouted for me to come down excitedly and told me that the baby wasn't dead and had actually come back to life. I was obviously so excited until he went, only joking, April Fool's. It was the 1st of April. Fucking hell. I was only eight years old. Jesus, Wes. And it wasn't funny. That is insane.

That is insane. My dad is still devastated about it. He doesn't know what came over him, thanks, Lily. Eight years old. That is incredible. It's insane. My dad is still devastated about it. He doesn't know what came over him, thanks, Lily. That is incredible. It's awful. I think what it is is they get a bit older at eight and they seem so grown up and they're so sassy and give you, like, shit back.

But actually, they are just still eight. But you forget because they feel so grown up. That is unbelievable. God. Here we go. We've got another couple. Here's a good one. Okay, listening to this morning's podcast

and Rob is talking about having kids birthdays in December oh this isn't boomers but this is quite a good Christmas I've got a boomer to finish on

listening to this morning's podcast and Rob is talking about having kids birthdays in December and I've just left a message in because if I'd only heard the stop having sex in March advice

seven years ago my eldest this is for if you don't know if you fucking March your Christmas is ruined. That's from a guy talking from the front line. So just remember, no matter how sexy you're feeling, if it's March, lock your

dick up, wait till April. Anyway, my eldest son was born on Christmas Day, which is honestly absolutely mental. I'm still in shock, although seven years later my house is the epitome of Santa's grotto

come Christmas morning and the amount of money we end up spending is ludicrous. Oh God. Especially given that now we've had another child

and also have our brother and sister-in-law's birthday on the 22nd and 25th of December. No. Yes, another fucking Christmas Day birthday respectively.

Oh my word. It's safe to say that I have now heed the same advice Rob has given out and don't let my husband anywhere near me in March anymore. Love listening to the podcast from Shannon lock yourselves up. I think we should do merch and it

should be called the March Chastity Belt. We should start introducing Chastity Belt and chains but just not for women i'm willing to lock up a dick too yeah lock up a dick lock up a vagina and keep and keep the key till april that's what we're gonna do exactly um right one more boomer um one and then we'll uh we'll wrap it up for today and do a small business shout out. While listening to Hatred from Steps episode, you asked about being too young to go to a football game. Okay, and this is a bit boomery and a bit young at a football game.

This is a nice combo, this one. In early 1970, whilst heavily pregnant with me, my dad took my mum to a Newcastle home game. Partway through, my mum felt faint, and she said she felt back pain since kickoff she was stretched off and taken to the st john's ambulance room my dad followed the stretcher all round to the other side of the pitch oh i love it yeah when they go around the pitch constant wolf whistles as he was carrying her arm bag this is so 70s i love it wolf whistling him

because he's carrying her arm bag while she's in labour. That night at Match of the Day, he officially claimed his five minutes of fame when they featured my mum on the stretcher in labour and my dad holding her bag. Back in the St John's Ambulance 10, my mum was definitely in labour and was taken by ambulance straight to hospital to have me. Being a true Newcastle fan and hearing that my birth would be hours away and knowing that the hospital in St James' Park was so close. Oh, no. Oh, no, he didn't. No way!

That is incredible. That is absolutely incredible. Unbelievable. Wow. Unbelievable. Wow. Wow. Did it say when this was? 70s, did it say?

This is 70s. This is Diane. This is 70s. I'd love to go and get some archive. They'll know the date. Diane, let us know what date you were born, and we must be able to find the archive of that. We'll have contacts for that. I think, George, I think we might have contacts

to find archive footage of a match at the Down BBC. I never thought I'd be in this position. Look, Rob, put it this way. I could text Adrian Charles at the drop of a hat. Could you? But do they still let him have archive? No, because he works at ITV now, I've just realised. That's a really bad example.

Hi, Adrian, have you got Gary Lineker's number? Thanks. Bye. Wicked. All right, small business shout-out. I've got a good one here. OK, look, hi, Rob and Josh. I've only just found your podcast. This right, small business shout-out. I've got a good one here. Okay, look, hi, Rob and Josh. I've only just found your podcast.

This is a small business shout-out. I'm obviously peeing myself out loud listening to the two of you, and I've never felt so seen. I'm currently, this is just all praise. We don't need this. I appreciate it. You don't have to kiss her ass this much, Nina. Anyway, this is Nina.

I'm the founder of a small business aimed at parents called Buggy Park. It's an online marketplace where you can buy, or donate secondhand prams we all know that they become redundant at some stage or upgraded for something smaller and more compact and they spend the rest of eternity gathering dust in your shed before long it's covered in mold and rust it's so true we had that happen i felt such a shame that like we put it in the garage it went completely ruined and we weren't using it and i don't know why we kept it anyway so this is a place where you can sell it or you can give it away and donate it um i started buggy park just before lockdown so parents had a better way of partying with their prams and also i offer a more sustainable choice for those

that want to be part of the reuse revolution i would love it so so much if you could give me a little shout out please and i don't i don't want to give uh nina too much shit on this because she's got a great website she's got a great instagram page however i think she needs a logo for a business because currently it's just her face and it doesn't it doesn't look like the website is flawless but the the instagram page is buggy park and it's got nina weisfeld that's her name she looks lovely she looks very business she in charges business it all looks kosher but it's just a picture of her face it doesn't it doesn't look like it's a business it just looks like it almost looks like that's that sort of like she's a tiktok star her name is buggy park and she does like weird sketches but it's a

great if you can help with the logo do get in touch with her more importantly well just as importantly if you have a buggy get in touch with her yes if you More importantly, well, just as importantly, if you have a buggy, get in touch with her. Yes, if you have a buggy. She does have a little bit of a logo, which is a B, but she's still using her face on her Instagram page. I would suggest, Nina,

that it needs to be the Buggy Park logo, not your own face. Anyway, they'll go to buggyparkuk on Instagram or buggypark.co.uk online. And there's loads of buggies there that you can buy, sell or donate because there's people out there who really need a buggy.

So, yeah, brilliant idea. Thanks, Nina. This one is for you, Rob. Hi, guys. I hoped I could give you, you could give my small business a shout out. Rob, brace yourself. We hire out our golf simulators for a range of events, including team building and corporate events.

And we recently set up at Ronan Keating's house for his birthday. Ronan Keating's house? One of the most attractive men I've ever met in my life. That's me. That's not part of the email. That's my idea. He's a very sexy man. He's a very sexy.

Robbie Williams is sexy. When you meet him, he just smells of sex. Not in a disgusting way, but like, you're a sexy man. Yeah, well, that's that's keating to a t that's keating's vibe and he wouldn't need a t because he's got a blade golf simulator in his garden mate harry styles is either he's just sexy is that who knew all these guys in boy bands are sexy it's almost like when they went for the audition that was picked up upon and then they got massively blown up for it and just, like, now become megastars because they're so sexy.

Exactly. Sex sells, mate. But the key thing is, are they relatable? That is the question. Well, Ronan Keating does occasionally hire a golf simulator in his garden. If you see that as relatable, go to www.playprolimitedltd. That's P-L-A-Y-P-R-O-L-T-D.co.uk. Wicked.

Josh, I'll see you for a little Christmas preview later in the week. See you then. You might nearly be out of... You'll be like a day away. A day away from freedom. Oh, my word. Freedom.

Can you believe it? Unless Rosa's got COVID. What are you going to do? That's what it means though ironically the day you release is the day that everyone just stays in their house it's insane

it's totally pointless what's the point right see you next week bye