Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP48: Twas the night before Christmas...

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

S03 EP48: Twas the night before Christmas... More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Want visibly glowing skin in 14 days? With Nuole Indulgent Moisture Body Wash, you can lather and glow. The 24-hour moisturizing body wash is infused with vitamin B3 complex and has notes of rose and cherry creme for a rich indulgent experience. Treat your senses with Nuole Indulgent Moisture Body Wash. Buy it today at major retailers. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. so to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping or hopefully how they're not coping and we'll also be hearing from you the listener with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Beck-bet-ett.

And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Well done. There we go. Okay, that's... Oh, do I guess? Do I guess? Yeah.

Have you got the location? Okay. Very... I think she... I'm guessing she's a teacher. She's got like half Miss Trunchbull, but half Miss Honey vibes. Doesn't say, but I can see it.

I can see where you're coming from. Yeah, but it doesn't say where she's from. Oh, no, no. It says where she's from. It just doesn't say whether she's a teacher. Oh, right. Okay, cool. I think she's from... We're just looking doesn't say where she's from. Oh, no, no. It says where she's from. It just doesn't say whether she's a teacher. Oh, right. Okay, cool. I think she's from...

We're just looking it up on a map. Bristol. You are out by 100 miles, I'd say. You've got the right top or bottom of Britain.

It is south. It is Hemel Hempstead. Oh, yeah. It's quite far. It only really works if someone goes, wait, now, do you know what I mean?

See, that... That wasn't an accent. I mean, I tried to do an accent. It only really works if someone goes, all right, now, do you want me to see it? But that wasn't an accent. I mean, I tried to do an accent. I tried to do Geordie. It sounded like you were breaking up on a phone. Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe, man. Yeah. Then they'd go, oh, is that Midlands?

Josh, it's Christmas tomorrow. Yes, well, shall we quickly say that? It's her daughter, Sadie. Fuck it. No, it's Christmas. Who's two. Sadie.'s Sarah no it's Christmas who's two Sadie she is our second and last child

she's hard work and brilliant we have Freddie who is four oh that's and that was Sadie and Freddie and what's the mum's name

Sarah thanks Sarah for that there we go Merry Christmas Rob Merry Christmas Josh Widdicombe so release day tomorrow

yes can you believe it well no let's be honest we're recording this early so I'm still so far away from release you are doing this

a bit earlier right let's talk about this what is your what's your Christmas morning looking like what's your Christmas at current at the moment

there's no restrictions we're yeah we're just we're still seeing photos of Boris Johnson in a garden having cheese and wine

from last May that vibe of the news I don't know what's going to happen between now and Christmas Eve yeah We're still seeing photos of Boris Johnson in a garden having cheese and wine from last May. We're at that vibe of the news. I don't know what's going to happen between now and Christmas Eve. There's probably about six photos that we haven't seen yet. So many photos. Trip Fed leading up to Christmas. It's an awful advent calendar. My favourite bit about that photo is there's just one bloke on his own

in the corner of the garden. Who the fuck is he? What a loser. Anyway. No, what he is, he's the only one sticking to the bloody guidelines, Josh. He's representative of the rest of the country. Yeah, exactly. Anyway.

He's North Shropshire. Bit of satire. Oh, yeah, I've got it. You want it? Merry Christmas. So, the big news is, what am I doing with my Christmas Day? Well, I've made a big decision. Yeah?

For the first time in a few years. I'm not going to drink at breakfast, Rob. Okay, all right. Fair enough. Is this sort of an all-year promise? It is an all-year. It's a 365-day-a-year, unless I do any long-haul flights on stag-dos.

I was going more for what's your plan with the kids but you've literally just started what you're drinking arrangements. No, no, no. The kids will be there. But I normally have a Bucks fizz with breakfast. I'm not a Bucks fizz fan for breakfast. I like a Bloody Mary. Do you? And are you going to do that on Christmas Day? What we've been doing recently is hitting the Bloody Marys

two or three in the morning. Get a little bit merry in the morning. Are you joking? Oh, on Christmas Day? Yeah, not every day day when you said what we've done recently i was like recent years recent years and then then then basically get a bit merry with breakfast but then don't drink until a bit later on yeah and then you sort of sober up a little bit and then have a drink about like have some maybe a little bit of champagne or prosecco about lunchtime and then absolutely cane it yeah then then red wine with dinner and then maybe some cocktails my brother's gonna come around

he might do some cocktails so i've got my mom and dad coming around and my brother and his girlfriend um and then it's me with two kids my mom and dad are staying overnight and then they'll come about 11 ish um my brother and his girlfriend will come out 11 ish so we'll do bloody mary's and they're because what i'm doing all the dinner they're in charge of cocktails lovely so you're doing dinner on your own i do dinner on my i do all the dinner yeah oh well done rob oh thanks mate that's really so is that your how much of your day is taken up doing the dinner i get it from monks and spencers that's my big treat yeah it is it's not christmas day why not and a lot of that is in trays you just shove in.

I do my own potatoes. My mum does the traditional Beckett stuffing. She needs to teach me the recipe for that. So I do my own potatoes and I'll do, but the rest is sort of stuff that's like pre-done by Marks and Spencer's that you chuck in the oven. So it isn't too bad. It's just a lot of in and out of ovens.

Very nice. But I do my own potatoes. I cannot bear shop-bought potatoes or frozen potatoes it's an absolute non-starter so i've trod all over your your day let's do your day i'm more interested in yours okay and what can i ask some questions then what's happening with presents then what time your daughter's getting up well we've got a fucking dog now aren't we oh my shit so right what we normally do is for getting dog is the kids kids only wake up at six ish they'll come in our rooms come in our room and have rooms separate rooms yeah they're coming out i forgot that you were divorced but because

your parents though you're gonna have to sleep in the same bed for one night only yeah i'll be in with my mom and lou will be with my dad it'll be fine and anyway so but what we do is we they normally come to our bedroom at six and do um stockings on our bed yeah right um that's what we normally do but i don't know we might have to go and do stockings downstairs and then what we do is do stockings on our bed and then we all sort of like get in like sort of semi-presentable clothes that we can wear to our photos taken and stuff as our opening presents and then we go downstairs to see if he's been yeah and then we do the big presents under the tree, smash them all out in the morning.

Do you do all the presents before breakfast? All presents before breakfast. Bloody hell, Rob. Bloody hell. That is madness. Double concentrated, straight from the source.

Whoa, you're going for it. A grade. Wow. Top level shit. There's none of that in my house. None of that kind of fun. And then it's, I'll do some breakfast, but breakfast is a bit more

of a casual what's everyone fancies some egg and bacon like not a big sit down dress of breakfast like have whatever they want and it's quite cash yeah kind of thing that's our morning playing with the presents by that they're playing with the presents and then like my mom and dad will come down and watch open the big presents but they probably won't see them do the stockings on our bed. Yeah. But we might have to just come down and do stockings downstairs. And will you do your presents at that point as well? Yeah, sometimes.

This is a little tip, actually, which I want to give to parents that are sort of probably their first Christmas, or they've got young kids, where basically now, we like to open our presents in front of the kids that we've got each other, just because the kids care, and they want to see us do it, and it's a nice thing to do but what we did one year when we had like a eight month old and like a two-year-old they don't really know what's going on or give a shit about you two as parents so what i suggest is get them to bed christmas eve and then over a glass of wine give each other your presents and you can properly see each other open them

you can chat about them and look at them and get them out and then put them somewhere safe because if you try and do that in the morning it's so rushed and you never properly do it and then it gets like boxing day or christmas night or you're trying to do it christmas all but if you do it christmas eve it's quite nice and it's a nice little couples moment which can get lost when you've got the kids so i would i recommend that i am not a fan of present-based anarchy, as you can imagine, Rob. No. Well, no, they have to take turns

when they do the presents. Yeah, you've got to do turns. That's the thing. Bare minimum. Yeah. The thought of just, like, a film style, everyone just goes for it under the tree, is not my scene at all.

Oh, no. And also, I hate when they're all dressed and they do it later on in the day. I find being festive so hot and itchy. Those itchy jumpers, I just can't bear it. I put it on every year. I've swept my head off. And then I just wandered around in a black T-shirt

because I can't deal with a jumper heat. I don't want to wear a Christmas jumper, Rob. I don't want to wear one. The problem with nostalgia and tradition is normally it means old shit material and uncomfortable clothes. Of course, Rob. Of course it does because they know you're going to buy it anyway. Exactly.

I just want to wear a tech fit night track suit all day. That's all I want to wear. Do you know what, Rob? That's fine. So what's your Christmas morning look like? Get up, stocking, on our bed. 4.30am? Well, we don't know yet, do we, Rob?

At the time of recording, we don't know. If it is 4.30, you're obviously just going to sit up with a baby and then wait for your daughter to wake up, basically. Yeah, I'm not going to get her up. So what time does she get up? Well, I don't know whether she'll get up earlier because it's Christmas Day. So she tends to get up about seven.

Oh, my fucking hell. So just a mid two and a half hours after my son's woken up. Well, no, ours get up at six. They've been waking up at quarter to six recently. They're really hardcore early risers again. So she'll come in, do stocking. Yeah.

And then Rose's mum will be staying and then we'll go downstairs. And then she'll, do stocking. Yeah. And then Rose's mum will be staying and then we'll go downstairs and then she'll play with stocking. Well done for saying stairs there. Yeah. Rose's mum's staying, we'll go down. That was a good save.

Then we'll go downstairs. You know what? Earlier on, Rob, when you said my daughters will come in and we'll do stockings on the bed, I thought, I'm not going to, I'm not going to make a joke here.

You should have. Should have. I regret it now. I regret it now. My wife and daughters were forced to wear stockings on the bed I thought I'm not gonna I'm not gonna make a joke here you should've should've I regret it now I regret it now my wife and daughters will force to wear stockings that I've purchased and then

we'll all have a bath and then we'll get on with the day go downstairs go downstairs so we can get on with our day having done that got that out of the way early doors

and then get the stockings and presents in anyway let's stop being rude. So are we naughty? It's Christmas. Stop it. No, you. I've gone mad.

Right, so he's done stockings upstairs, you're downstairs. All the fam. Right. Breakfast. We'll do breakfast before the tree presents. What's more breakfast? Bagel.

Well, my wife and mum will have bagels with smoked salmon. That's nice. That's a nice breakfast. I'll just have the bagels. I can't do this year, Rob. My Christmas tradition that I always like to do.

So what will be on your bagel? Cream cheese. Okay. Seems quite sad. So you wake up, cream cheese bagel. What will your daughter have? Just a normal cereal kind of thing

she'll have a bagel with probably jam okay fair enough you'll have a bagel you guys I'll have gone to get them for the 24 hour bagel place on brick

lane the night the day before normally but obviously I'll have to get them delivered this time but you eat before presents

I can't believe we do it we do it we get you push it through on the stocking presents that gets her through then we come to presents which I'll be honest,

this year we've had to implement. I've had to say we've got to prep the veg the day before because a couple of years ago, Christmas dinner preparation took over the whole day. And my wife basically, she was so behind with making the Christmas dinner. So Rose does all the cooking? Rose and her mum.

I do my vegg mum. I do my veggie. I do my veggie cooking, Rob. Well, I think doing the cooking's better because you don't have to do any parenting. Do you? You get all the best bit of parenting in the morning. Yeah. Like presents, stockings, blah, blah, blah. But you're like, well, I'm just... Lou, do you mind just doing that? I've just got to check on

and just make something up. Yeah, that's good, isn't it? Yeah. Right, yeah. I'm just saying, so what is your Christmas, you tell me what your Christmas dinner is and I'll tell you what mine is. Well, mine is my, I'm going to say this now, mine is over the top. Okay. Well, Rose obviously would have

her and her mum, they're going chicken this year because they've decided they actually don't, they've realised, after about 38 years, my wife has realised she doesn't actually like turkey enough to do turkey. So they'll have that. The chicken seems a bit boring, doesn't it? Well.

At least turkey's festive. If you're not going to go chicken, go for a nice beef or pork or lamb. Well, they prefer chicken. They like chicken. I thought rose was a veggie. No. She more or less is from living with me, but not for... But it dips in and out for big occasions.

Yeah, exactly. She's a for big occasions. Yeah, exactly. She's a big game player. Oh, yeah, mate. She can't move for a lamb, can you, at Easter? Loves it. Exactly, exactly. If the situation dictates it, she's eating meat. Mayday bank holiday.

She loves her beef. So that's what they're having with all the trimmings. Oh, a turkey, a chicken with all the trimmings, like normal festive. Yeah. Pigs in blankets, stuff like that? Yeah, all of that. Stuffing, bread sauce.

And your daughter will eat all that? Yeah. What are you having? What have you got? All the trimmings with my vegetable lasagna. Oh, not again. It's so good, Rob. But you can have lasagna any time.

You can have roast potatoes any time. Yeah, but lasagna doesn't go with that. It potatoes any time. Yeah, but lasagna doesn't go with that. It does, Rob. It doesn't go with gravy. Do you know what? If I have lasagna in summer,

I do miss the roast potatoes. No, you're mental. That's too much carb. I have the lasagna with salad and coleslaw in summer. What are the other... Have you ever toyed

with anything other than vegetable lasagna? It just makes me upset. Why would I toy with something other than... You've been indoors for ten days. Indoors for ten days and now you're eating a vegetable lasagna? It just makes me upset. Why would I toy with something other than... You've been indoors for ten days. Indoors for ten days.

Now you're eating a vegetable lasagna with potatoes. That's some sort of... That's a breakdown. But you're happy. So then I'll do that. And then we've got friends coming. They'll have the chicken. And... Oh, no, do you know what?

One of our friends is coming. And she's coming. They'll have the chicken. And, oh no, do you know what? One of our friends is coming and she's vegetarian and she's on board the lasagna train. She's on the board of lasagna train? Yeah. This is disgusting. With great power comes great responsibility. A lot of people listen to this. You can't just be banding around vegetable lasagna

as if it's okay. Also, as well, I do think for next year, I think I'm going to suggest this, Josh. I can't bear you to have a vegetable lasagna as if it's okay. Also, as well, I do think for next year, I think, I'm going to suggest this, Josh, I can't bear you to have a vegetable lasagna three years on a row.

Not three years, 38. 38, okay, well, how about this? Next year, you do your vegetable lasagna,

but also, let's start, please send in suggestions of what vegetable or vegan thing you can have at Christmas dinner that makes it feel special.

And if it is a nut loaf, go fuck yourselves. Yeah, no nut is a nut loaf, go fuck yourself. Yeah, no nut roast or nut loafs, get that out. And what we'll do, Josh, next year you can do

your vegetable lasagna, but also maybe this new dish. Great option. I think that's a good, don't you think that's a good idea? Lovely work. Right, do you want to know

what I've got coming? Yeah. What's your starter, by the way? I don't think we have a starter. Just a fucking cheese on bagel, keep you going. That's breakfast.

No, but then obviously throughout the day, mate. Party food? Cris food crisps oh my god what's wrong with what is your party food crisps sausage rolls veggie sausage rolls oh you have them okay that's party food yeah lint balls that's my chocolate choice on a christmas day lint balls every time i've eaten all of the christmas feroce oh my god i love it what was this we're doing this on the 20th of december i've eaten it all by the Christmas Ferrero Rocher. Oh my God, I love a Ferrero Rocher. What was this? We're doing this on the 20th of December. I've eaten it all by the 20th of December. Oh mate, I'm sorry. It's disgusting, isn't it? So what are you,

what are your snacks? So snacks, right, so we'll have Marks and Spencer's or like Waitrose party food. I go premium when it comes to Christmas. Of course you do, mate. I'm not messing about, mate. You deserve it. I want a choux bun with fucking cheese in it, mate. Anyway, so we have a little party food,

and I'm going to buy some of that next week. I put it in the freezer, and I pop that in for the day. Lou loves a duck spring roll. It's her weird tradition, so she'll have that as her little party food, and probably as a starter, because she don't eat seafood, but I've got loads of seafood.

Right. Oh, you did this last year, didn't you? Seafood's a starter. That's what I do. I've got mental, though. I've got a bit carried away. So I've got seafood starter. I've also got a Cornish cruncherer which is like a cheese bake thing so you can dip bread

in it sounds lovely a vegetable selection i've got a sausage roll garland that's in a circle the kids are sausage rolls yeah um dessert we've gone for sticky toffee pudding crown oh my word not christmas pudding what did you what you got we've just got well i never eat the dessert it's christmas pudding isn't it it's crap well don't We've just got, well, I never eat the dessert. It's Christmas pudding, isn't it? It's crap. Well, don't get it then. Well, no, but I just, I eat so much chocolate and so many biscuits over the Christmas period.

I never want the pudding. I don't think, I don't think Christmas is for you. What do you mean? You're tapping out too early, mate. You've got no, you get the traditional stuff and then get the stuff everyone likes. That's how it works. You get the Christmas pudding that no one eats and then you light it and do all that.

But you also have a sticky toffee pudding. I've also got triple chocoblock churros. I've got cauliflower cheese. I've got beef. Oh, mate. I've got a Brussels sprouts gratin. Ceramic dish not included. Fucking cheapskates.

Unbelievable. I've also got some prawn cocktail. I've got too much. I've also got... I've gone for three meats. You've gone for three meats? Yeah. What have you gone for?

Turkey, pork, beef. How big's your oven? I've got two ovens. Oh, here he is. The big man.

Two ovens, 16 bins. Unbelievable. I'll have two ovens next year, mate. When is your oven being delivered? January

thank God because the original date which I moved because I thought it was too close to Christmas we'd have been locked down with Covid so thank God oh God so it's coming in January

your new oven your French oven yeah but yeah I've ordered way too much but what I'm doing is Boxing Day I've got all Lou's family coming over

plus partners that eat quite a bit so all that's going to be stuff for cold meat mash and snacky bits the next day so we're having leftovers down boxing there so i've got too much but that's enough to so i do all my cooking on christmas day and then it's already boxing day for the hangover great stuff so that's what i'm doing good and what's your christmas evening like great stuff so that's what I'm doing oh it sounds good and what's your Christmas evening like

games we don't do games no normally I just I just collapse yeah I know I might play games this year

because the kids are a little bit older now like they're getting into Snap and stuff like that but we used to watch Stand Up when I was a kid but I don't know

watch a film or something like that do you watch strictly Christmas Strictly with the kids probably yes Christmas Strictly with the kids

fair enough oh and we do play Yorkshire Pudding Catch which I've told you about haven't I yeah of course they launched Christmas Strictly with the kids, probably. Yes, Christmas Strictly with the kids. Fair enough. Oh, and we do play Yorkshire Pudding Catch, which I've told you about, haven't I? Yeah, of course. They launch Yorkshire Puddings at each other. That's always good fun. It used to be like, the Christmas TV used to be really important,

but obviously now you can just watch whatever you want at any time. So the Christmas film doesn't really matter now, does it? I would say I would watch Rob and Romesh vs. Christmas Special on Christmas night. Oh, there we go. That's what I would watch Rob and Romesh versus Christmas special on Christmas night. There we go. That's what I'd watch. Or one night in Alton Towers is quite Christmassy. Oh, yes.

A lot of fun. You, Alex Brook and Roisin. Or, why not treat yourself to the last leg on Christmas Eve? I thought it was New Year's Eve. There's one on Christmas Eve as well, Rob. Oh, my God. With Joanna Lumley and the Darkness and Big Zoo Eve as well, Rob. Oh, my God. With Joanna Lumley in the darkness. And Big Zoo.

What's the darkness? Oh, the band. Oh, God. But you know what? You don't need to watch that. You don't need to have a good one. What? Just Alex, Adam, Joanna Lumley in the darkness.

That's my nickname. Watch Romer Romesh Christmas special. You can watch it on Sky, can't you, Rob? my nickname watch Rob and Romesh Christmas special you can watch it on Sky can't you Rob let's not plug in on the Christmas special I am also in a Channel 4 Christmas special

with John Richardson and Lucy Beaumont oh yeah when's that on Christmas yeah it's all Christmas time I did the recognition

as well god let's stop blagging let's just stop talking about it but the reason why we don't watch any telly at Christmas

is because we're fucking on it too much we're bloody well on it much we're bloody well on it Rob we're bloody well on it are you gonna watch the Queen's Speech no no I never do and what about music

are you gonna have music throughout the day um yeah it's probably just some I've got a uh Bing Crosby LP we'll have a little bit in the background but I um it's more just strictly in

whatever's on the telly I think and we'll have a few cocktails then my brother's in charge of cocktails so I think he's going to do a couple a bit more because the plan is Bloody Marys in the morning

break bubbles with party food around lunchtime red wine with dinner and then in the evening espresso martinis or something that's got a bit of kick

to get us going again that is ideal I think it'll be the first time I've drunk in like two weeks. Yeah, so I'm very excited. Can't wait. And yeah, and then New Year, new podcast. We're going to do another podcast on the 28th, aren't we? 28th.

Which will be a catch up how our Christmas went. Listen to this one and then see how it actually went. Yes. And then we're going to be releasing little best ofs over the Christmas break. So you've got plenty to listen to. And then we might have a little break in the start of January and be back with some loads more guests. And please let us know any guests you want us to interview. Any recommendations or suggestions.

Yeah. And then we'll be back full mast towards the middle end of January. And in the meantime, there'll be another episode on the 28th talking about Christmas and a few little best-offs. But until then, Josh, have a wonderful Christmas. Have a merry Christmas. Enjoy yourself. And listeners, merry Christmas. Enjoy your lasagna, the traditional festive lasagna

that every household has. And I will see you to talk about it afterwards. Next week. Merry Christmas, everyone. It's mad to think it's a year since you were building that trampoline, isn't it? that every household has. And I will see you to talk about it afterwards. Merry Christmas, everyone. It's mad to think it's a year since you were building that trampoline, isn't it? Oh, fuck me, yes. Oh, that just panics me. You remember saying that?

Oh, that was a nightmare. Oh. Big up to any trampoline builders out there Christmas Eve. Oh, yeah, the real heroes of Christmas. If you're building a trampoline on Christmas Eve... You're fucked. If you're listening to this and your trampoline isn't already built,

give it up. I bet they're in the... Someone's gone home. The kids are in bed. It's six o'clock. Why don't we have a little wine before we do the trampoline at about eight o'clock when they're properly asleep

and then they've heard this and your evening's fucked. But you'll have a story to tell next year. Oh, Merry Christmas one next year. Oh, Merry Christmas. One and all. Oh, I feel so festive.

Bye. Bye.