Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP5: She hates me...

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP5: She hates me...More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor. Open a Questrade First Home Savings Account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. With Questrade, you can open an FHSA online. No bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. Embrace something new at Starbucks. Introducing the Ice Lavender Cream Oat Matcha Tea Latte. A creamy drink where smooth matcha meets subtle floral notes.

From our airy lavender cream cold foam. Only this spring, only at Starbucks. Ice Lavender Cream Oat Match matcha tea latte includes dairy. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you,

feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with Can you say Rob Beckett? Rod Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittaker? Josh Whittaker. Rod.

Rod. Rod. Rod's a good, do you know what? I think Rod, you know, certain names are cool names, aren't they? Yeah. Like, and then some aren't. But there's a few names. Like Rod is cool. Rodney, no.

It's a real weird jump off. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, where Rob, Robert, just fine. Joshua, Josh, fine. But Rodney to Rod is a real jump. I love it. I'd love to be Rod Beckett. Yeah, I think that would work.

Well, you can be Rod. You could be Rod Beckett. My parents love Rod Stewart. And I don't know why they didn't call me rod beckett well do they like only fools and horses um they loved only you could have been rodney southeast london boomers did they like only fools and horses come on mate you can ask if you're my mother that's close to a hate crime. Is it? No, I don't know. Oh, God.

I don't know. Have I culturally appropriated something? I don't know. Am I allowed to sing Combine Harvester? Well, you've got a brand new

Combine Harvester and I'll give you the key. Do you know what? It more was like a great impression of Charlie Baker in many ways.

All right there, Josh. Sorry, I feel weird and giddy. Yeah, I've got Olympic fever, Rob. Oh God, I'm absolutely full of it. Do you know, my only problem with the Olympics is the time zones of Japan and I cannot watch people of a six pack succeed while I'm in my pants,

desperately trying to find a coffee. It makes me feel like shit. If you're worried about the time zones, Rob, get yourself an 11-week-year-old. It's a perfect for Tokyo Olympics, mate. He woke up at five yesterday. Yeah. I was like, don't bother resettling.

I'll take him downstairs. I absolutely loved it. Adam Peaty's in a semi. Yeah, that's the thing, isn't it? You're actually seeing some of these goals win live rather than being told about it by Sam Quek and Dan Baker. Exactly. Dan Walker, yeah.

Dan Walker, yeah. Yeah. Mate, I'm up with Gabby Logan. God, she's doing the night shift. Is she there? She's doing an Olympic breakfast. They're all in Salford. Sorry, gone from Manchester. So far away from Manchester. Is she there? She's doing an Olympic breakfast. They're all in Salford.

Sorry, I can't remember. They're so far away from Manchester. It's a very different place, Rob. If you do the Lowry, be very clear on that. I'll tell you what, if you even suggest that Salford, I've got it wrong again, is anywhere near Manchester. They're not even northern. They're their own thing there in that key.

Yeah, totally. Near the Manchester United football team. It just happened that when I lived in Manchester, that that would be where I'd go to watch gigs. But it was strange that I was going from one city to another to watch gigs. Yeah, it seems mad to travel all the way from one city to another city on a tram that takes eight minutes to another city to watch a show. It's crazy, mate. Why don't you just go to a Manchester show instead of travelling that way?

Well, it was Salford or Leeds. It was always very difficult to choose between that. Cross the Pennines to Salford? Salford? What is it? I've got it all wrong. Oh, I know. They're going to hate me. All the listeners up that way. It's fine. You've got the South East London market sewn up.

I did a gig in Scotland once in Inverness and I was talking about the game Articulate. Yeah. And then the bloke went, you're saying it wrong. I went, what? He went, it's Articulate in his mental Scottish accent. I was like, no, I'm not getting it wrong.

I just have a different accent to you. That's not how things work. You know what I mean. Yeah. If you know I'm saying it wrong, then I'm saying it okay. I'm saying it enough for you to understand what I'm saying. Yeah, imagine if I was like, I don't know, if I'm right, I'm sure I'll beg your pardon. Anyone beg, saying it okay. I'm saying it enough. Yeah, imagine if I was like, I know, if I'm right, I'm sure I'll make a sound.

If anyone thinks articulate, it's like proper Scottish. If ever there's someone you don't want to play articulate with, it's that bloke. That's an absolute nightmare. It'd be a nightmare. Yeah, it didn't work.

It didn't work out well. And it's so off-putting in Venice because in the summer, it's light until midnight. Is it? Yeah. Do you not know this? No.

Oh, it's great. Everyone's just out on the piss and you're just hammered and it's bright. It's like the midday, but it's not. It's midnight. Is it? Yeah. Do you not know this? No. Oh, it's great. Everyone's just out on the piss and you're just hammered and it's bright. It's like the midday, but it's not. It's midnight. Imagine having a newborn

in Inverness. Oh, well, Iceland's like that as well. Iceland has four hours of sunlight in the winter. If I was shagging in Iceland, Rob, I would make sure... Have a cold bum? I would make sure to have... Surely bum. I would make sure to have,

like, surely the dream situation is to live in a. Okay, you're in Iceland. When do you want to shag to have the baby? Well, nine months before that bit when it's always dark. Okay.

So you want a summer baby in Iceland, but then the baby is always, so it's always daylight. You want that? No, no. I want it to always be dark when the baby's born. Okay.

I get you. So you need a winter baby in Iceland. Nature's blackout lights. There's only four hours of sunlight from 11am till 3pm. Perfect. Perfect. That's four hours more than I need at the moment, Rob. If there's any Icelandic listeners or people that live in Vaness

or anywhere where there's not much daylight in different seasons, let us know. Is it better to have a baby when it's dark all the time or light all the time hey recuvit guys let us know do email in um I think in terms of just usual you know pedestrian British seasons yeah I found it a lot easier having a baby, the first one, in the winter than I do in the summer. Yes, I'm a fan of a winter baby to a point. Because you can just put more layers on them. Trying to keep a baby cool is hard. Trying to keep a baby cool.

Particularly when they've got ginger hair, it's very difficult to keep them cool, Rob. Have you got ginger? Full ginger? He's starting to look a bit like Alan Magee, the head of creation records. Well, it's weird, though, because my five-year she was um ginger when she first sort of grew her hair very ginger and then i was very blonde and now i've found a middle ground in adulthood i'd call you a dusty a dusty blonde yeah dusty blonde is also my um karaoke name i thought it's gonna porn star name yeah i should have shouldn't i you've kept it very radio 4 there. Yeah, sorry. I thought there might be children listening.

Yeah, but some people do listen with kids. So apologies for the swearing, but it's nothing I haven't heard. I shouted fucking hell the other day and my daughter's repeated it. That was because I was getting stressed. It was hot. Oh, really? I didn't realise you had a reason. I just had a massive spliff, actually.

And for some reason it sends me angry. No, but basically, how stressful is this, right? I've got out the back door and locked it. And it's got locked, so I can't get back in that way. So I'm trying to get through the side gate. And as I put the key in the side gate, it snaps off. Oh, no. I'm trapped with children in the heat.

In the heat. In the heat. And I couldn't get out. And then I had to, as they're screaming at me i'm trying to pull the key out with my fingernails just because you can just get the little bit that's sheared off but and i went you know and then they both said it and i said you're not allowed to say what did you do in the end i managed to pull it out and then we had another key i could use to put it in but it basically got too hot the lock had got too hot and it just it just ate it up i don't know what happened i don't know i'm blaming the heat for anything something going wrong in the heat melting your

key it wasn't that hot but it melted my key it was so hot josh it's the worst time i had a i had an awful disastrous journey to the shops um so my my local shop which i like going to but the slight issue is that the owner of it who i'd say is there one day a month but on that day he thinks i'm called sean have i discussed this with you before no i don't know they said the owner of the shop is there not that not that regular he's not that you know they've got a range of shops but whenever he sees me he says hi sean and it's too hi, Sean. And it's too late. Oh, this is awkward. It's too late.

I think he thinks I'm Sean Walsh. Yes. Maybe. I think that might be it. Because he'll say, you know, he's said stuff about, like, comedy and stuff. So the Charleston, is it as fun as it looks? Or is it tough? Are you concentrating the whole time?

Do you get to keep the secret in the outfits? So he keeps calling you Sean he keeps calling me sean anyway but i go there anyway so it was bedtime and um i decided to i decided because obviously two on two at bedtime i thought we needed i can't even remember what we needed rose wanted a coffee even though it's 6 p.m that's how things are going. And I said, I'll go and get your coffee, and then I'll go to the shop. And you know these biblical rainstorms we've been having? Oh, yeah. I got caught in that with the baby.

Oh, no. Do you know what, Rob? It was about four days ago, and it was so bad that I've almost wiped it from my mind. At the time, I thought this is possibly the worst experience I've had. And now I'm trying to remember it. I can't really remember. I just remember standing in the street in the rain with a baby in the plastic thing and walking around the shops and he screamed for the 20 minutes.

So was the baby covered with the plastic? Yeah, covered with the plastic, but he was screaming the whole minutes so it was a baby was a baby covered with the plastic yeah covered with the plastic but he was screaming the whole way oh no and i was going to get coffee and then i was going to get something else and then i got called sean obviously and it was just the lowest moment so was you did you have an umbrella do you have a coat on no i had a coat but i've got an anorak that i think the dry clean has made it not waterproof anymore, Rob. Oh, it's got no wax. It needs a new wax. It needs re-waxing.

It needs re-waxing, Rob. It needs a new film on it. Yes, exactly. So that was an awful waste of time. What make is it? It's Albam, which is admittedly, no, it's like a trendy East London shop. I'm going to tell you something now, right? Yeah, North Face. Look, even North Face isn't that great. You need to go real nerd. no it's like a trend east london shop i'm gonna tell you something now right yeah north face

look even north face isn't that great you need to go real nerd you need to go like like rab or columbia one of them ones because i've realized this you know i think it's middle classing i didn't realize that you can go out in the rain if you could you just have to buy gore tech stuff and waterproof stuff but when i was growing up i just thought if it was raining you just had wet feet. Because we couldn't really afford full water. Because you get an anorak, but it's not waterproof. Just a cool-looking anorak.

It's never waterproof. You have to get something that's waterproof. I've got waterproof. Who's not waterproof? The Arctic monkeys. Do you know what I mean? I've just Googled Alabama. There's no way that is waterproof. I'm telling you now.

Yeah. No chance. Yeah, and you just get soaking wet. But now, I'm dabbling in cortex footwear yeah i've got some gorgeous footwear yeah sure bloody hell rob yeah because i go for walks now and i've actually got waterproof trousers from golf i popped them on the other day for a walk i came home and i just bored lou to tears by going i'm fully dry and lou was going yes because you've worn waterproof clothing i was like yeah i know but i never knew that was an option i thought you just got wet i love that you bored her to tears

and you thought this needs a bigger audience she hates me the level of anecdote or banter i need to be delivering for even a half smile. It's so unfair. The expectations. That's why I'm so happy on stage. There's people there just like giving me something back. She was like, what is it you want from me? I hear that most days. Just a bit.

You know, applause break, bit of a laugh. You know. Well, is that why Rob and I think you need to address this oh go on that we worked together

on Saturday didn't we and yes we did yeah that blankety blank that was great blank I had a lovely time

on blankety blank Rob well I had a right touch didn't I because I went there for the early show you really are you had a right touch I've had a good week out of this basically I went there for the early show you were really are. You had a right touch. I've had a good week out of this, basically.

I went there for the early show. You were on the late show. I was like, that's a shame. I won't see Josh. All of a sudden, someone's been pinged and has to isolate Rob. Do you want to stay for the second show? Of course I want to stay for the second show. To do it.

Not just to watch, of course. Oh, no. Yeah. I was in there doing all the blankety blank guesses with Bradley Walsh. And you were on there as well, Josh. Oh, what a lovely time. What a group of people. With Tamsin Halfway, who you kissed in your sitcom.

That was awkward, talking about that. It was not awkward. It was awkward. It was not awkward. You've written a sitcom, which, you know, hands up, I've not watched. That's fine. Look, I'll be honest. As always, Rob, you're in touch with the nation.

No, as far as I'm concerned it was a good sitcom you had a few years about of doing it three seasons three seasons that's great I look

basically I didn't realise that you wrote a scene in it where you kissed Tamsin Alfway well that wasn't the scene Mel from EastEnders as written and you ended up

kissing her in your own sitcom that you wrote which seems weird I mean it doesn't seem weird I don't feel like it needs a big love story does it from EastEnders. As written. And you ended up kissing her in your own sitcom that you wrote, which seems weird. I mean, no offence, but I don't feel like it needs a big love story, does it?

A sitcom about you? No, it's not a love story. It's a comedic story. Well, yeah, but no one looks at Josh Woodham and goes, I bet this is going to be a romantic sitcom. It was a romantic, Rob. It was amusing. But it just so happened

that that was how the scene played out yeah and um she and then you be you got reunited with her at Blankety Blank she was a she was a great laugh on Blankety Blank I thought yeah she really was she really wanted to win I've never seen anyone be competitive about Blankety Blank it's unbelievable yeah just like you know Bradley Walsh is nice they're filming it near my house in Maidstone yes I do want to do two records in a day. Craig Riverhalls, absolutely a lovely presence after all. Craig Riverhalls, lovely guy. Oh my God, this has gone so show busy, Josh.

It really has. I know you're only bringing this up to try and get me in trouble with Lou because of the break. Well, let me just tell you my issue I had with Blank to Blank, Rob. Go on, yeah. Which you're not going to believe. So I was in the front row. Yep. And you were in the back row.

Yep. And you might have noticed, so I turned around when you or Craig or Tamsin said anything initially, and then I had to stop because I was getting blankety blank neck. You were getting blankety blank neck? I was getting blankety blank neck. My neck was playing up from being in the front row blankety blank. That's a very niche disorder, the blankety blank neck.

And I totally get it, though, because you're having to crane your neck fully behind you and up at, what, a five-degree angle? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's not good for you, but, you know, you can't really moan about it. There's no society built for the other sufferers of the blankety blank. No, you don't go to a physiotherapist and they go, oh, we had Debbie McGee with this last week.

Yeah. Yeah, they must have been filming again. It's been non-stop here. You know, Ricky from Ricky and Melvin on the radio, he's been in. Melvin's on next week, so he'll probably be in as well. Janine from EastEnders is in with a blankety-blank neck. She's requested to go top level for next series.

Top level is an absolute win. No worries about Blankety Blankneck. Oh, Rebel Orwood's absolutely fine, isn't he? It wasn't his first rodeo on a panel, was it? He knows where to sit. Obviously, I enjoyed the proximity to Bradley. I enjoyed that bonus, but... Bradley, yeah. You were so close to Bradley. You look like the teacher's pet that sat

there next to Bradley. I did feel like the dweeb on the bus. I did feel like the dweeb at the front of the bus. I sat there in the first record. The cool kids at the back. I was there in the first record, to be fair. Yeah. How's your neck? My neck's not bad, actually. I sort of recovered when I was sat at top level. But I know what you're going to say, because basically

I got asked to do the second record and there's like a two-hour gap between the shows, and I decided to stay at the studio and just have a sleep on a sofa when the studio was 20 minutes from my house. Yeah, it was a maid's stove. The studio, you didn't, you could have gone home, done some parenting and come back.

I could have, mate, but I had to get my neck back in line, didn't I? Unbelievable. You're going to have to do bedtime on your own. I've got blanky blank neck, and I'm straight back in for another blank guessing game. You were having a sleep on the clock. No, I wasn't getting paid in the middle bit. I suppose you weren't getting paid in the middle bit. No, you don't get a fee for waiting.

No, no, no. I'm not a cab driver. It was up to me. I had my own time. I just chose to spend it lying down rather than going home. Yeah. But I have been doing some parenting as well, Josh. It's not just a blank hang.

Go on then. Go on, hit me up. Well, I talked to you about what my girls do now, which is quite weird. They go to the toilet together. What, back to back? Like the Kappa logo? I don't know how that, they share it. They go, so when one of them goes, I need a wee, they were kept on arguing about, whenever

one needs a wee, the other one goes, I need a wee, and they argue about who goes to the downstairs toilet or who goes to the upstairs toilet, right? We've got two toilets. They don't even realise how lucky they are. I grew up with one toilet. We've got two in our house. Because I want to rub their face in that.

And they go, share. So what they do is they sort of like sit on the toilet with one at the front, one at the back, and then wee at the same time. What, like they're on a log flume? Yeah. What? That's weird, isn't it? Like on a log fl yeah what that's weird isn't it like on a log flume yeah i mean it's like a log flume if they i've not seen them share a number two i think that's too much only we wow and how does that work i don't know taking an endearing photo of that rob or is it too too much i don't know how comfortable i feel about it anyway never mind yeah maybe i need

to take an endearing photo of my children pissing in tandem you don't have to develop photos these days so you won't get in trouble it's just there for you know the embarrassing yeah because that's quite on your phone you don't you know you've got a picture of your kids with their bum out in the garden plan or anything oh there's a cute photo and you may send it to your mum but that's not going on like the instagram or i don't put anything on Instagram. It's not going to like a big, you know, school group. You're not sending that to the school group. But imagine having to go into Boots and you don't realise

that there's like your kid's knob in the photo. That's just, that's stress. That must have been so stressful back in the day. Yeah, because obviously you don't know what's on your camera, your camera, do you? Back in the bloody day, Rob. No idea. No idea what's on the roll.

But on the instant, what was it? The film? The film. Oh, my God, that's bad. I can't even remember what photos were printed on. The photo film. The film roll. The roll?

Just on the film. On the negatives. I don't know. On the negatives. All the words. I don't know what any of them mean. On the film, on the negatives. I don't know. The negatives, all the words. I don't know what any of them mean. On the negatives. On the positives.

Oh, Josh, also, I watched you on Catchphrase the other day. It was on the telly. Oh, right, yeah. And I thought you did really well. Thank you. That final round was hard. I got one away, didn't I? It was very different.

I did well, but we should say that I was up against Gemma Atkinson, fair enough, and a dancer from Strictly who was second language English. What a show to be on. I know. No, but I'm just saying, yeah, you got to the final, but the final round was hard. You did well. You got like 10, 20 grand or something, but it was tough.

I thought we did really well. They talk about you with air, Rob, like you are. They talk about you doing catchphrase, like if someone has played football with Pele it was genuinely never has a man found his medium more it's the best thing I've ever done I'd say that's the best performance of mine ever or in anything of all time that to I did it all with like 10 seconds to go and it just the stars aligned and it was just a moment of magic but you can't replicate it you You're made for those shows, Rob. Watching you on Blankety Blank.

And I'm going to ask a question. Go on. If you could host one show of any of them, which would you choose? I always wanted You Bet because that was my favourite show as a kid.

But I think when Bradley Walsh has had enough of Blankety Blank, I am ready for it. Yeah. I'm there. Whenever you need me, I'm ready for the call. I'm like Gerard up at Rangers waiting for Klopp to retire.

It's an astonishing call considering we were on his first episode. That's what I'm saying though. Whenever he's ready, whenever he's ready to hang up the, hang up the blank, the checkbook, whatever it is. Checkbook of Ben.

Yeah. It's not even been on telly yet. It's not even been on yet. Bradley Walsh is the master. I'm nowhere near as good as Bradley Walsh. I love Bradley Walsh. Love Bradley Walsh. Brad.

First we call Brad. Brad, just keep it. Keep it. Yeah, Brad, just keep it. Keep it chilled. Rob. Do you know what? For someone who's so good and so popular,

anything he does, the crowd go mad for it. They absolutely adore him. He's excellent anyway, but they're just so for him. He's so giving and nice and welcoming to everyone when really you could, in that position, be a bit of an arse, couldn't you? You could just be like, you know, but he's so... Is that your plan when you take over?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I want someone to say to me, Rob, you've changed. And I go, yeah, fucking right I have. I'm only joking. Now turn your neck round and see if that's comfortable for you, fucking. Yeah, right now let's match the blanks. I've got a campfire in for sale, up for grabs. I can't cope, Josh.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. You seem very, your word choice is all over the shop. I know. Do you know what? I'm pumped up. I'm tired. Why are you pumped up? Just Olympics.

Olympics. It's great. It's Monday. You know, we're all unlocking, back on tour, that kind of stuff. And we've got loads of good correspondents coming, Josh. I just saved some on my phone. You've saved some on your phone? Can I just tell you a couple of bad things that have happened to me?

Yeah, that's good. Everyone likes to hear that. Number one. Yep. I don't believe this is true, Rob. Go on. I got my weekly screen time report on my phone, Rob. And I know you've seen this because I put it on Instagram.

It was 16 hours, three minutes a a day that can't be true i'm not yet that's that's what you should be awake for i've been working as well so there's periods when i can't have been on my phone what's it saying at the moment then what is what was it this week has it changed back oh i will have just got my one from monday you should have got it. Can you find that? Yeah, five hours 56 this week. Right, so that might have... What may have happened? You may have left like YouTube or podcasts on overnight when you passed out with it on.

Yeah, I didn't do that though, I don't think. What's your go-to to try and get to sleep? Looking at your phone, do you watch something? Do you listen to something? I put on a podcast if it's a nap. Normally at to try and get to sleep looking at your phone do you watch something do you listen something i put on a podcast if it's a nap normally at night i can get to sleep if i go for a nap uh i put on a uh podcast i'm not very interested in oh okay are you are you willing to share what that is i would just be football based it would just be like just like a football daily or something like a generic football transfer talk or something like that okay fair enough and yeah that can't 16 hours

can't be true mine's about five hours 16 hours so i know i'm not getting eight hours sleep but say i'm getting six hours sleep that means i'm only having one hour 57 when i'm not on my phone that it must be a mistake yeah he's got sat now for about six hours, but that's not ruined the whole week. Yeah, maybe that's it. But that's only one journey. How was your trip to Brighton? It was very nice. Yeah, it was very pleasant, actually.

How was the gig? Yeah, it was nice. Oh, well, they do it on a hill, this outside gig. So there's about 1,000 people outside the fence that were just watching from the hill, uh this outside gig so there's about a thousand people outside the fence that were just watching from the hill which was a an unbelievable misjudgment by the uh by will briggs who ran the gig but there we go and you could all just hear it and just stand there for free and watch it yeah because there's big screens all right okay he's had a nightmare isn't he yeah and he's and then you you'd reference them and they'd cheer And it would be louder than the cheer inside because there's more people outside.

It's like the old days of Glastonbury. And how was it? Did you come back? How you split the parenting then? Well, parenting, Rob. The heat has been a problem. The heat has been a problem, Rob. Yeah.

Because he doesn't like to sit down, right? He's always pottering. He's like a mum. He's like a mum in the 90's like a mommy yeah sat down all day so he likes to be walked around rob so those days of the heat you're essentially i mean i don't want to overstate this but if someone said to me did you know at guantanamo bay that they make them walk around holding a hot water bottle in the blazing sun for eight hours a day. I'd go,

yeah, that sounds about right and that's what I'm doing wrong. Obviously, he wants to be held all the time and moved around. Hold all the time and he's fucking boiling, right? They're so hot.

They're so hot. They're so hot and you're just walking holding this boiling hot water bottle, basically. It's an unbelievable thing to do with your time i did see a photo of you in a cafe that rose put up and you look so tired and fed up yeah well i was i'm i was but we seem to be getting through the acid reflux now

oh that's good any better with a sleep in a sleep in? A bit dependent on the night. Dependent on the night. Dependent on the night. Yeah. I'm hoping we're through the worst of the acid reflux, but that's what you say, isn't it? This is kind of next week's episode is going to be an absolute shitstorm probably because I've said that.

So I don't want to get. You don't want to get cocky with the acid reflux, basically. Don't want to get cocky with the acid reflux, basically. Don't want to get cocky with the acid reflux, Rob. I tell you what I've been doing is I've bought bikes for the girls to learn how to ride. Oh. Because we bought other bikes for Christmas, but they're pretty ones, but they're so heavy. And the tires aren't very good on them. So I bought them proper functional bikes so they could learn anyway so we're trying with a five

year old and it's absolutely backbreaking because it's so stressful because it just they're just gonna crash and then she sort of gets it and does it for a bit in the park well in the gardens we've got a little bit of it's just the thing is it's just not a long enough bit of like patio to practice by the time she gets it she's got to stop so i think i just need to take it to the park but then there's a there's a there's a part near us actually she's got quite a long bit of pavement around the edge it's sort of like a sort of walk so i'm going to take her there but i think maybe it's just because it's too now i'm just like if i let go she's going to smash into the floor so what are you holding on to, the seat?

The back of the seat and then sort of letting go. The back of the seat. But then when she goes past a window, she looks at herself. I'm blessed, though. You can see how a kid basically forms their self-confidence when she was like, I'm not good at this. She fell off and I was like, no, you're good, but you have to work so hard also as well, though,

because you're like physically bent over trying to do it and you go like fuck and they're going all over the gaff and they're going I'm not very good at this and part of you is going no you're not

but you will be but you can't say you're not no one's good at it straight away exactly but also I'm trying to be so positive going no you're really good

it just takes practice keep going well done and she's anyway she did it and she cycled her own for a little bit and then jumped off the bike and did a bow like on stage.

And was going, thank you. Thank you. And then I'm like, she's got too cocky now. Cause that didn't deserve a full, but, but you know,

I'm, but I'm being, I'm being really positive. You got on the bike and showed out. Oh, it was done. Exactly. This is how you fucking do it.

You've done a wheelie yet, mate. Yeah. Just did a quick Ollie on my, on my big DNA. But then, but I was trying on my big DNA. But then, but I was trying to be really positive. But then at some point

when your back's up bent over and she keeps like veering off, you're like going, oh fucking hell, oh God, because you're getting stressed. And then you have to make sure that you're not like

projecting that into her. It's so hard, it's so hard to not fuck your kids up at the end. Oh, mate. It's a losing battle. Why do we bother?

It's just minimizing the damage, isn't it, basically? Exactly. Just make sure that the reason you fuck them up is something you didn't realize you were doing. You know what I mean?

Rather than something you knew. An accident. Just a personality quirk. you are shit at riding a bike. Yeah. You're in control of that. That's bad. Shouldn't do that.

So just, you know, if it comes off passively of that that's bad shouldn't do that so just you know if it comes off passively that's not really your fault that's just life it's a question if you're holding onto the seat yeah and she goes she falls yeah is that are you is that a strong enough hold to keep a child on a bike vertical uh well you know what i mean it's sort of just i'm just sort of doing it to help like i'm i'm she's sort of doing it on her own quite well but i'm just sort of doing that so if she goes too far right i just give it i just did slight adjustment it's like spotting someone in the gym i'm not keeping the balance she's keeping the balance and i'm just if she's but then it's

basically the garden's far is too small to teach a kid how to ride a bike so i'm gonna have to take down the park so i think i might take a late this week but they've gone to like a gymnastics um group this week oh yeah they said they didn't want to go so it's like it's weird that it's for like three plus so they've gone together because five year old and three year old but it just seems too grown up to send the three year old to and she was like oh i don't want to go don't want to go but lucius messaged and said they went in really well but they're there to like three o'clock doing gymnastics whoa that quite a long day. And they don't know anyone.

It's a new building. It's new teachers, new. So it's just a bit like, oh God, but you just sort of have to let them. If they're really into gymnastics, you've absolutely messed your life up there, mate. I think that's all right. I take gymnastics.

The hours. Yeah, but whatever they do takes time. At least you're indoors. Yeah, but what you want them to be good at is like computer games at home. No, do you know what, though? I think gymnastics and dance. I never really properly did sport as a kid, and I ate quite badly, so I was a bit overweight and not very fit.

So I'm trying to get fit as an adult, and it's so hard. But something like gymnastics or dance is quite good to establish a core strength. But if you're good at gymnastics, it's helpful for every other sport yeah isn't it because it's good you're you're strong and then a flexible and agile and in you can get like you know with a strong core that can be transferred into any sport can't it i went to a my secondary school was big on dance rob was it yeah i didn't do it that wasn't for me but it was like that they they you know when a school's like a bit like a thing a bit like the great britain team's good at cycling that kind of thing do you know what i mean and um we had a dance group so

you were all getting blood transfusions before dance yeah it was all yeah we were boosting we were boosting but we were getting the results span off your nut just absolutely wide-eyed and pumped ready to cycle yeah exactly mate but did we do our fords rolls correctly yes we did no there was a group of boys that they won some like national dance competition with a rip-off of stomp i hate to say it but it was oh was it oh yeah i'm not a fan of stomp no neither am i it's called controlled freaks was the dance oh wow okay, but it was. Oh, was it? Oh, yeah. I'm not a fan of Stomp. No, neither am I. It's called Controlled Freaks was the dance. Oh, wow. Okay, yeah.

And it was so good that it made Tony Robinson, who was judging the competition, cry. That was how good the dance was. He must have been going for a divorce or something. His wife had gone off with the bin, so it was really bringing back these bad memories. Was it Controlled Freaks? Controlled Freaks.

Yeah. I'm Googling it. I don't know why. It won't come up. It was just like a national children's dance competition. Tony Robinson's lovely though. Have you met him? I haven't met Tony Robinson.

This is the most lovely. I know. Your problem is. Great guy. Lovely actor. Wonderful. Oh God. Well, no, the thing is. When did you meet Great guy, lovely actor, wonderful. Oh, God. When did you meet Tony Robinson?

On the one show. For someone who tries to be this loose neck, I've done so much telly and so much TV that involves reality people, that I've just met so many... I forget how many people I've met. Who haven't you met, Rob? Have you met?

I haven't met Cristiano Ronaldo. Have you not? No. Usain Bolt, met him. I've met like, I've met half the Olympic team because of Robert Romney.

Yeah, of course you have. Of course you have. Shania Twain. I walked her to stay. You know she's not in the Olympic team, Rob.

Oh, haven't you heard? She's doing the slalom canoe. For Canada. I'm surprised you've met her because you know what they say, Rob. What's that?

Never the twain shall meet. It's good stuff. It's good stuff. The other option was... The whole family can enjoy that kind of gag. The other option is, oh, you've met Shania Twain. Well, that don't impress me much.

Oh, yeah, that is good, yeah. Yeah, that's it. But yeah, it has gone really lovely. Tony Robinson's a nice guy. I absolutely love his show about travelling on the trains. Did you watch that? Oh, no, I haven't seen it.

That's Michael Portillo, isn't it? No, Robinson does it as well. He goes all over the gaff. He loves it. He's a little wacky fella. Lovely, please. Another thing about Tony Robinson, his current partner is 20 years younger than him. Yes, I'm fully aware of that.

That was a big topic on Loose Women. Was that a big topic on Loose Women? I tell you what, he's got a younger wife, John Snow from the news. Yes, I know. We should get him on.

Oh my God. We should get him on the show. How much money Rob for you to become a dad at 70? Oh, I don't know, but I think if Lou leaves me, I reckon I could have a, um,

like a Roger Stewart rebirth of just like trying to be cool and trendy again. Do you know what I mean? Re-marry. He's got a mullet. He's having kids. It's the fall of Rob Beckett. I don't think Lou will leave me. I'm,

you know, I'd never leave her. I love her. The thing you said earlier about the fact she's not impressed by anything you do was slightly worrying. I mean, I couldn't be, I wouldn't be surprised if she has enough.

I'm hard to live with. Just, I'm not, I'm difficult. Once your daughter's learned the bike. Once your daughter's learned the bike. Yeah, I've done all that kind of stuff. I'm just very jolly. And Lou can, Lou likes to be a bit, she,

she likes to sneer a little bit and get moany where I'm just like, it's going to be all right. She's just, you know, if I feel a bit fed up, I try and bring it back up where Lou's one of those people, which I think is better for you mentally, to sort of allow yourself to be annoyed. Yeah. And then your body goes through feeling annoyed, and then you come back feeling good again.

But I will try and sort of go, it's all right, and just bring the mood up. Push the negative away. Bury it down below the surface. Bury it until you're 70. Right, let's do some correspondence. I've blabbered on for ages i've got some correspondence through ellie taylor oh ellie taylor the um talking about her poos after someone got in touch with her yeah and ellie's passed it on for us would you like that yeah

hello i just had to message you uh a welldone virtual high five. Just listen to your lockdown parenting help podcast episode. I'm compelled to reach out as I can 100% empathize with the whole Ellie Taylor poop. I had an almost identical experience to you. However, should we just say this is about a post-Caesarean. Yeah. After a caesarean, how tough it is. And Ellie had to dispose of hers with a shower cap. Is that correct?

Yeah, break it up with her hand. Yeah. Because it was blocking the toilet. Yeah. I had an almost identical experience to you. However, I didn't go down the shower cap route. I found some disposable bamboo cutlery left over from a barbecue and chopped it up with that.

Oh, my God. Fuck. Disposable bamboo cutlery left over from a barbecue and chopped it up with that. Obviously, like in the bowl still, she didn't get it out on a plate. Yeah, I had some coleslaw and a potato salad with it as well. Oh, dear. You know, it's all good to talk about. Everyone's going through it. Oh, you know, we put a shout out for what I said. That chair's not for jumping on, it's for sitting on. Yeah. Um, last week. And now we're trying to find parents sayings that you don't realize you're

old and parenting too sad. I've had this one coming. This one's from Alison Garfield, Bickford, which is quite a name. Um, my parents saying that made me truly feel like I'd finally become a parent. If you're not hungry for a banana,

then you're not hungry. Oh yes. Yes. That is absolutely, uh, that is absolutely on the money oh here's another one i've got in this has really made me laugh this is from claire riley from windermere she said dear josh and rob i'm listening to your latest podcast about josh's new dad exhaustion i thought i'd share with you an amusing story that happened to my husband and i a few days after my son was born, my elderly neighbour came round

with a lovely outfit for the baby. She handed the bag to my husband and said, I've got nine months. My husband slightly awkwardly replied, I'm sorry to hear that, Jean. She looked a bit bemused and went home. Once my husband had closed the front door and come upstairs, he realised she was in fact referring to the age of the baby grocery ball and not her life expectancy from Claire Riley I've got no mum's oh my god oh my god

absolutely unbelievable brutal absolutely brutal that got you didn't it oh that's my kind of humour our baby's big rob he's already exceeding the month thing oh the percentile thing well no like the clothing you can see in the clothing oh i told you the story about my brother's head haven't i no i maybe i don't know well my mom took him to get measured when you know you have to take him

at like six months three months six months to get weighed and. Well, my mum took him to get measured when, you know, you have to take him at like six months, three months, six months to get weighed and measured and all that. She took him and they were measuring him and he was on like the 99th percentile. He's massive. My mum's like six foot three. He's a big lump. And anyway, when they measure him, she went, I've measured his head, but it's gone off the chart.

It's off the percent. It's over a hundred percentile. And then she went all right and she went i don't know what to put down to my mom and she was like well i don't know i got you know she went yeah but the chart doesn't go that up either the chart doesn't go that high she went well you'll have to change your chart because i can't change the size of his head Oh. He has got such a massive head, though. Yeah.

My brother. He can't wear hats. I can't wear hats. My head's... I've got a large skull. You do have a large head, actually. Yeah. A big...

Yeah. It's got a bit of the back as well. It's... So... It's got a bit of the back. You know, like, it goes... It's long. Like, it's long at the back like like a um it's almost like a roof rocking an estate car exactly yeah exactly but you don't

realize you've got a big head until you try and wear a hat that's the moment when it all crystallizes in your mind that you've got a big head can't wear a hat yeah did you ever start wearing a hat when you first started doing telly? It's always the classic, when you see people do like the one appearance on telly, they get a black hat and shuffle around like anyone cares who they are. I couldn't. And you know I can't wear woolly hats, Rob. Why can't you wear woolly hats? It sends me to sleep.

What? Fuck off. What? So if I, yeah, if I can't wear a woolly hat, it'll send me to sleep. Because it heats up my ears, which just sends me right to sleep. So if you get hot ears, you go to sleep. Basically, I get very tired very quickly if I get hot ears. The same with those big headphones.

I can't wear big headphones because it sends me to sleep. If you get hot ears. So if we all start talking about you at the same time, you'll fall asleep. Yeah, exactly. I'm fully aware. Okay, guys, let's all set our clocks. Let's all mention Josh Willikam's name at midnight on Thursday just to get him him off to sleep yeah so my heart is i didn't know that so you can't wear i i find that i'm never really cold enough for a woolly hat no no i'm quite a hot-blooded guy

are you yeah are we flirting am i flirting with you right josh i've got another story yeah um hi rob and josh just listening to the episode, talking about exhaustion with kids, where a woman said she was so tired she was asleep whilst getting a filling. I have a rival story. I fell asleep whilst getting a bikini wax. Oh, wow. A Hollywood. Hollywood's all gone, isn't it? I don't know.

I think Hollywood's completely bald. And I think Brazilian's a little landing strip, isn't it? Landing strip is what they would say, isn't it? Yeah. And then the 70s Parisian is where they just leave it. They just perm it. Hollywood, here we go. At the time, my son was nine months old and was waking up every 40 minutes.

Oh, Jesus. Fucking fuck off. And taking about half an hour to soothe back to sleep. Oh, my word. Dreadful. Hopefully that makes you feel a bit better josh someone has it worse from charlotte the sleeping wax victim yeah well fair enough fair enough um that is absolutely awful what an awful situation to be in that we've got loads of teeth chat off the back of talking about keeping the umbilical cord you know oh yeah some people keep the umbilical cord i think the whitmore and sterling have got

it framed in their house of course so there's loads of people have come in with this uh listening to tuesday's podcast a bit about the rank belly button and wondering what what we're meant to do with the teeth i have all my boys baby teeth and i don't know why what am i going to do with them i've always wondered what i meant to do with them when they fall out but my boys are 10 and 13 and i still have to work it out and have two full mouths of teeth in a box oh no just get rid of them they've got no memories attached you will never look at them and go oh that reminds me of when my children were children do you know what i mean if yeah i had the option of having my baby teeth given to me i wouldn't give i don't the only way they're ever going to be worth anything is if your children became huge

important historical figures in which case those teeth would suddenly be worth something even then would you buy john lennon's baby teeth? No, I wouldn't actually. No, no. Damon Albarns, he's your favourite. I wouldn't buy. I like John Lennon as much as I like Damon Albarn, Robin. I wouldn't buy either of their baby teeth. The John Lennon ones would be too expensive. But I think, no, I wouldn't want anyone's baby teeth. Well, there's another one as well.

Off the back of keeping shriveled up belly button of your kids, I thought I'd share something along similar lines to throw it out there to see if it's just me or anyone else. I've got probably, she's got a stash of a mix of teeth from all her three kids. She's got no idea what to do. What, so they're just going to kind of pick and mix? It's a pick and mix. He said probably make a necklace out of them one day.

Oh, my God. No. Like Papa Shongo from Wrestling. No. Oh, another one. Hi, both. I was listening to your podcast today and hearing about people keeping the belly button. probably make a necklace out of them one day oh my god no my papa papa shongo from wrestling no another one hi both i was listening to your podcast today and hearing about people keeping the belly button that falls off it reminded me a few years back my sister and i realized my dad kept all our teeth that had fallen out and sellotape them to a framed portrait of us which was hanging on the living room wall oh my god literally there were dozens of teeth sellotaped

in the back if anyone was to see it, you would think my dad's a total freak. Yeah, of course. Get rid of it. Throw them away. Throw away your teeth. Or donate them to science. Can you do that?

Do they need them? I don't know. I don't know. You don't need that. You don't need that stuff. You don't need your nail clippings or your... You're not Howard Hughes.

Do you know what I mean? You're not living in a kind of weird bubble where you're not having Hughes. Do you know what I mean? You're not living in a kind of weird bubble where you're keeping your stuff. Oh, I feel quite strongly about this. We just start a campaign. Get rid of all baby teeth. We don't need it. Send us photos or videos of you putting the baby teeth in the bin.

Let's get rid of them. Yeah. We've got some people coming in with stuff about badgers because Ellie's got a badger problem and you can't get rid of badgers, can you're protected i've just listened to today's podcast and thought you might enjoy my dad's solution to ellie's badger problem my parents also live in the dubious zone nine area of essex zone nine and last summer with yourselves their lawn was somewhat destroyed by a badger maybe it was even the same one i just had my first baby and living in a

flat during lockdown and used to spend a lot of time in my parents garden which meant also witnessing my dad who was working from home coming to the garden we on the hole where the badger had dug or sometimes into a bucket which related to be poured on said hole then immediately disappear inside to work apparently there's something in male we that scares off badgers i'm pretty sure i found out on google but it did actually work i'll pass it through lockdown um this is alex who can't afford to live in zone nine so she lives in zone six oh so is it more expensive what is zone nine more expensive because it's more countrysidey the further out of london the cheaper it got but does it does it come back round again must because you're in like the green belt or whatever it's called whoa who knows but piss on the floor the badgers will go there we go well

i will ask her to get her husband to piss on the badgers and see what happens yeah let me just text her let me just text her you hold there i'll hold the phone what should i write get your husband to piss on the badger on the badger That sounds like a euphemism, Rob. God, it sounds like, yeah, it does sound bad. The hole the badgers have dug. Piss on the badger. Get him to piss on your badger's hole. And then the badger won't be there anymore.

So we're helping. We're helping Elliot out of a badger problem. I've sent it. There we go. Poor old Elliot. He's going to be defined by having a massive shirt and a piss-covered badger roll. The things people do to sell their book, Rob. The things people do to sell their book.

Buy a book for gold's sake. Buy a book. It's very good. Right. Small business shout-outs? Yes. Let's do small business shout-outs. I've got one.

This is a really good idea that I want to support. It's not business. It's not a business. It's almost like a charity. I don't know if it's a charity or a community club. I don't know what you call it. It's called The Proper Blokes Club. Right. Which is, you can find them.

Let me get their website up. It's a society, basically. This guy started in lockdown and he does walks. He does London at the moment southeast london the proper blokes club.co.uk and he does all these different walks and you don't have to book you don't have to pay you just turn up and it's just men going for a walk and having a chat about mental health and mental health awareness oh that's good and it's a really good it's going it's really blown up so he does one in south in suffolk on thursdays and

sundays meet by hms belfast he does one in greenwich on monday at 7 p.m meet by cutty sark and wallington on tuesday at 6 30 p.m it's just one bloke who started this a year ago in lockdown he had like 20 people on his walk the other day and if you go to the proper blokes club.co.uk there's all stuff like that the way you can support them what walks they do testimonials contact and loads of just if you want to go for a walk it's a bit of exercise bit of a chat and you can talk to people that you can talk as much as you want or as little as you want but it's an opportunity you have to talk about mental health do they tell you shut up if you don't talk about mental health no i i don't think it's that extreme i think it's quite chilled

did you see strictly last night i'm sorry i can't talk to you about that so no we can't it literally has to be no so it's just a way if you you know if you want to go for a walk and meet up whatever your situation idea open to anyone so it's a proper blokes club you can get them on twitter and they're on instagram as well the underscore proper underscore blokes underscore club i'm getting flashbacks of that flat pack guy. Oh my word. People keep it simple. I'll share it on my Instagram as well. Um, and stuff.

The, the, the, the Instagram or proper blokes club. Hey, Robin, Joshua, love Joshua.

Come on. What's that all about? Where's that? Joshua. Why does he get Rob? Surely it should be a hey, Robert and Joshua. Love your podcast, which provides comfort and laughter to my husband and I as we navigate becoming parents.

Our son is 17 months old. Sending a small business shout out. My friend Annie set up Mentor Mums, which connects women returning from maternity leave with someone who has already done so. It's a nerve wracking time for many new mums, but being paired up with someone else helped already done so it's a nerve-wracking time for many new mums but being paired up with someone else helped me feel much more confident when i returned to work and to my

new job you can visits colon forward slash forward slash www.mentormums.co.uk uh find out more keep up the good work emily q lovely oh ellie's got back to us uh yes herd male urine is very useful And apparently you can buy lion piss online to really up the ante versus badgers. Oh, my God. Lion piss. Who's selling that? That's a tough job, isn't it? Getting a lion to piss for you.

Can you imagine that? Is it male lions? Like a drug test after an Olympic event. Come here, mate. That's got to be Londonon zoo little cider who's where are you getting this lion piss from yeah how do you know because they're just gonna piss where they want right you can't convince it to piss in a pot there must be so much of it by predator p at amazon i can feel michael's energy going we're almost there guys don't do

another 10 minutes for me okay we're not going to talk about lion piss. Alright, do you want Pete Tong's email address to end this show? I've got it here. I can play it loud. We're posted out there on the BBC homepages of the internet, and I keep saying that and not giving you the address, and I do get a lot of inquiries, so it's very complicated.

But here it comes. http://www.bbcnc.org.uk forward slash bbc.com forward slash radio1 forward slash p slash tom forward slash index I can write this down. Stop.

HTML. I know it doesn't make sense, but you will understand what I mean. That is, that's an email address, Rob. That's, that is an email,

HTML at the end, just in case you've got to, P slash Tom, was it? Oh my God. You can get 64 ounces of refuel jug of predator piss for 310 quid. How many badges you got? Fuck,

it's jet black, this wolf piss. Oh, my God. Sorry, let's stop. Do you think it's wolf from Gladiators? He's got a sideline. It's the same colour of my piss of mine after the Euros. Horrible two days that was. Right, guys, let's stop now,

and we can catch up before Friday's episode with some more emails, Josh, can't we? We can. We'll see you then. Bye.