Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S03 EP7: "Sometimes you've got to engage the stiffy..."

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

ROB BECKETT & JOSH WIDDICOMBE'S PARENTING HELLS03 EP7: "Sometimes you've got to engage the stiffy..."More (mis)adventures in parenting hell with Rob and Josh. Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! The clicker around the room! You guys just about finished?

Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicam. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping.

Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the with your tips advice and of course tales of parenting woe because let's be honest there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing hello you're listening to parenting hell with Can you say Rob Beckett? And Josh Whittacombe? There we go. Rod Giddleworm, was that? Rod Giddleworm. Rod Giddleworm. He sounds like a character in League of Gentlemen. Rod Giddleworm?

Hi, guys. Love the podcast. Because of all the free content, I've bought both your your books i'm putting that into every email now rob even though they haven't said it it's just like free pr thank you very much for buying both our books cheers thank you for buying both our books listen from day one i look forward to each week thank you both for giving us a laugh in this shit storm hence why i bought your books our kids are the same age as izzy's, so can relate. This is our two-year-old Amelia doing her best for you. Oh, thanks, Amelia. Ellis James is fuming about the accusation

that he listens to his own podcast and laughs. Yes, that was an accusation levelled at him by his wife. Wife? Partner, Izzy? Mother of his children? Partner, mother of his children. Better half, should we say. Oh, the old ball and chain. The older indoors. Mr. Saddlecap.

I just made that one up. Oh, Mr. Saddlecap. Let's get that in usage. That's what they sound hen-doos about their husbands, isn't it? What, Mr. Saddlecap? Mr. Saddlecap at home. Oh, misery guts. Oh, misery guts. That's what my mum and aunties woulddlecap at home. Oh, misery guts. Oh, misery guts. Misery guts. That's what my mum and aunties would say about their husbands. Oh, misery guts.

Misery guts or silly bollocks. Or that old fucker. Misery guts is quite a nice one after all, isn't it? It turns out that's actually the kindest. Misery guts. That's the one. Oh, Josh. You sound like you're full of the joys of spring.

I am full of the joys of spring. I've had a fat old coffee and I've had a busy week, but I've managed to survive it. I've been busy work-wise, parenting-wise and socially-wise. Oh, my word. The triple threat. I went to the boxing last night and I've not been to the boxing in 18 months, Josh. Right.

What boxing was it? It's fight camp. So normally it's all at the O2, isn't it? And York Hall and places like that and stadiums for Anthony Joshua. But they've done this new thing called fight camp, which is Matrim, which are like the big boxing players. Eddie Hearn. Yeah, who's been on here, Barry Hearn. Basically, Barry Hearn's house was so big that he bought another house and turned his old house into an office.

And it's got a garden that's so big they actually set up like a mini arena in it and they've been doing fight camp at the HQ of their company in the garden so it was only 250 guests and it was like a VIP special package type thing and it was quite expensive for a ticket but um it was so it was amazing because you was like you were like i was probably like six feet away from the the fighters and wherever you were you were like well close you could feel the spit and blood yeah you could it was it was like it was mesmerizing to see people in that environment normally there's like 10 000 people but the thing was it was quite scary because everyone there is a boxing fan and boxing fans have got a bit of money i've never seen so

many hard people in my life it was like a gangster's wedding and on top of that there was a man with a mullet and a burberry short sleeve shirt oh wow i've never seen a man wear a short sleeve shirt unless he's driving a coach no no maybe a short sleeve holiday shirt rob like a kind of oh yeah this was a bit busy had pockets on the front oh and um yeah and i i think josh it's a first alone rob no i went with my um my mate danny uh mate and uh agent oh yeah mate mate first agent second and until it comes to something business-wise until he gets you a bad deal and then it switches again for a few no so we went together and it was like and i've never been anywhere where there wasn't one stiff neck it was wall to wall loose neck

honestly even the organizers are normally stiff bills barry and eddie and the loose master generals do you know what do you know what annoys me about this event what's that so they've got a they put an arena or a boxing ring with 250 guests and presumably like facilities in their garden yes literally half an hour before organizing this podcast i was trying to get the measurements of some soft play to see whether we could fit it in our garden all i want's a little literally half an hour before organizing this podcast i was trying to get the measurements of some soft play to see whether we could fit it in our garden or it's a little soft play for a party and i'm thinking we might need to do this in the park you've got to move out essex they're in essex they're outside they don't want to move out to essex rob so that i can fit a

boxing ring in my garden that's exactly what i want to do that's the difference between me and you mate i want to move out somewhere where i can fit a boxing ring in my garden um but you know so i'm very excited because i went to that and also um i've been doing some really fun parenting with the girls i took them to pizza express and this is funny yeah they have hummus with the little you know yeah not my first. Not my first rodeo. Not your first P.E. No, it doesn't really work, does it, with Pizza Express? You just think of P.E., don't you?

Yeah. Anyway, they brought the garlic butter instead of the hummus for the kids and their dough balls. And my little one got a spoon. I didn't look. I didn't see. She literally spooned in a whole massive teaspoon full of garlic butter. And she screamed like she'd been attacked.

And everyone looked around. And then she went, tastes like poison. That was so funny. But then we were outside and it started raining so then I was trying to move it was just me with the two kids move me, two kids and like pizza plate inside

and then the little one was adamant she wanted to carry her cup of juice obviously spilled it all over her dropped it on the floor all went up her, went over another bloke sat next to us and in the end I had to take her skirt off so she just sat in pizza express eating a brownie in her knickers and a t-shirt what a week rob what a week and i went out with the school dads oh yeah right listen to this

walk me through this okay right so we meet at southeast london pub right and the thing is they're all very nice and like middle class, the parents. They're lovely lads. Worried they're listening? Not worried at all, actually, because basically you'll find out why. Basically, they're all very polite, middle class. I'm the oik of the group. None of them were in Eddie Hearn's garden last night, were they?

No, mate, the necks were pretty stiff until old Bobby B turned up, ordering on the app. The app, in pubs' apps, by the the way i did a round for about 15 people right and and it's when you're a bit drunk and you do a round you don't mind it at the end you get a shock don't you and they go it's this much you know oh god blimey but you're at a bar you're sort of you know you press ganged in yeah you press ganged in you're sort of you're sort of peer pressured and you're yeah don't worry i'll get this and then you sort of cry in the toilet after yeah but when you're going through the app you see how much everything costs oh god you've got

an itemized bill you start hating certain people for their drink choice so what were these different drinking oh so to be fair there was like you know beer like beer a few like crafty ales a bit of nehoil that kind of thing it weren't 15 morett, which is what I'm used to. So we're doing all that. But then at the end, you order it all on an app, and then it goes, tip the bar staff. I've just spent 15 minutes scrolling using my data, my phone, my charge. And now I've got a tip. I don't want to be tight, but they've not done anything

apart from make the drinks. Yeah, I mean, I... I sort of think, come on. That's a bit cheeky. I've done half the work. Can I split the tip? I've taken the order and put it through on the system. You could tip yourself, Rob, and then it's tax deductible as well.

Yeah, exactly. But anyway, so he went for drinks. I mean, I think I agree with you more or less in theory. It's a bit rich to worry about using your own charge on the phone. I don't know. Sorry. You know, when you add a few things in, my data's still on all that. Yeah, you must be on unlimited data.

If you're not, Rob, fucking sort yourself out, mate. You're doing all right. I'll be honest with you. I was on no Wi-Fi. So actually, I was lying again. But so it was all because we've never really met and i think what i've realized is when your kids start school you do have to spend a lot of time with these people yeah it's inevitable like with after-school clubs and all different things and you go and watch their shows so you know and i

wanted to make sure that i was knew everyone but i turned up a bit late because i was doing a gig so i got there at eight and they're all really nice, but it was quite calm. And then I got just a bit pissed. And then what was really funny was there was a proper geezers over in the corner. Yeah. Because it's a bit where I live. It's quite nice

and you've got like commuter-y people, but there's also self-made builders that are louder than me. And then one of them went, oh, Beckett, come over here. I want you to see my mate's teeth. And I was like, across the whole pub. I went, no, no, come on here. I want you to see my mate's teeth. And I was like, across the whole pub. I went, no, no, come on, Becky, you're c*** like that.

So we'd have to bleep that. So now I've got these guys that work in finance going, what's this going on here? And then I'll go, no, what you have to do in that situation, I'll go, no, you come over here. Because if I go over there, I'm their bitch all night. So I always stand on my ground and go, no, come over here if you wanted to say hello or have a photo you know so he come over mate this bloke was about seven foot his hands were bigger on my head and he was like oh you fucker come here and like and i and he was like come over here i was like no i'm not going over there and i knew it wasn't aggressive or turning into a fire because that's just our blokes with selfies on the tool you go

now fuck off you fuck off and if they call you the c word that can be really complimentary yeah of course you tell yourself that so so this is going on and in the end

you get a lot of compliments in the street don't you yeah Lou compliments me most mornings always send it I bloody get this

big head stop it stop it when I'm bloody getting this big head. Stop it. Stop it. When I'm driving as well, the compliments I get. All the time they're waving at me, calling me the C word. But, you know, it can be complimentary. So I know this is fine. It's all about tone.

It's all about tone. I know. I've dealt with these kind of builders before. I know this is sweet as a nut. He's called me. He's complimented me loads of times. Anyway, so he goes back. But all the other lads thought I was about to have a fight.

So it got quite tense. And I was like, no, that could be quite complimentary, saying that to someone. And then basically I got too drunk and carried away. And then I started calling all them the C word. By going, stop your chatting and drink your drink. So I started treating it a bit like a stag doer and I got overexcited.

Then shots came out. What time in the evening is this, Rob? This is eight to 11, right? And then shots came out. And then one of the geezers was talking about binge drinking and saying he don't drink much, but when he does, it's like a binge drink. Then it worked out that he had like two Guinness in four hours.

So he was called Mike. So he was calling Mike the binge. And there was another bloke called Mike. Mike, so he was calling Mike the Binge. And there was another bloke called Mike, so he was just calling him Mike the Minge. When I say we, me. So I've got way overexcited and out of control. And then they've all started doing shots. So they've all got into it, right?

So then another couple of them were getting all shots in, so they were all having shots. And then the bloke who we gave him a bit of bad luck for not drinking that much did a shot, then squeezed lime in his eye, and then sniffed a line of salt. What? I know, he just went mental.

And it was great. And then in the end, six of us, it was about 15 or 20 when we started, six of us ended up at another bloke's house till two in the morning getting battered. I came home steaming, Josh. Amazing. And also, the thing was, it was for the good of my child's education of course rob of course you're bonding it's the

new golf so it's amazing i've got to ask yeah have you seen them at the school gates since and had a kind of no because it's summer holidays but the whatsapp group's been flying right so it's not going to be awkward at the school gates no but i i i because it had been very official the whatsapp group it was quite corporate yeah and just before the drinks i text what we're doing lads we just on beer or shall i get some gear in for a laugh bloody hell that's a gamble right it's a gamble in it that's a joke and a half isn't it and then i text obviously only joking for the record so fast after so fast like to the point it actually wasn't worth doing the joke it was too quick oh there's nothing worse than an only joking that you when you bottle it straight away on a once and then but i was so worried that someone was going to put an order in

and it'd get really awkward. Like someone was serious. Do you know what I mean? But anyway, it was great. So there was, and it's really, I think as well, I was so relieved that they were all really nice lads. Yeah. I was like, oh my God, we've got 15 years potentially.

What someone did suggest, should we go bowling next time? And I went, I ain't going bowling. But, like, it was a bit rude, actually. I felt bad. I went, I ain't going bowling. I went, we've got 15 years of this. Let's just be honest. Honesty will get us through this.

There's no fucking way I'm going bowling, lads. If you want to go, go. I ain't going. But I think that's the best way, isn't it, Josh? Yeah, I think that's fine. I thought, why is I'm at bowling? Be straight with people, Robler be straight with people Rob be straight with people

what's your problem with bowling squeeze some lime in your eye that was funny he just went mental so he had a tequila shot presumably and they brought out the lime and the salt

yeah and he just went it was quality I just thought that's the kind of energy you want in this group that's like being in a rugby team Rob it is a bit like that

but the thing is the mums went out the week before and it was really civilised yeah of course it was yeah so that was fun. I think I was just really relieved that they were really nice

because I was worried that I was like, you know, God, imagine if it's like people you don't get on with and you've just got to pretend. I mean, they might all be on another WhatsApp group going, we cannot go out of Rob again. No. So maybe I'm the bad egg. He complimented all of us too much.

He won't go bowling. They're actually going bowling. Should we just go bowling every time? That's a way of us too much. I think what I've learned from him... He won't go bowling. They're actually going bowling. Should we just go bowling every time? That's a way of him not coming. They've all got their own shoes. Oh, no. They're all chatting, but they're showing each other their bowling gloves

before I arrived. I've absolutely killed the vibe off. Let's just do this normal one in the pub, and then we can get back to our bowling club. Right, guys? If I've learned anything from going to the football at Wembley is that if you're the worst drunk then no one can annoy you because you're annoying everyone else

Yeah, but it feels awful the next day if it hasn't blown up on Instagram Was it worth it? It was really good fun That's good So that was good So you had a very positive week as a parent I had a really positive week

and now they're 5 and 3 they are just fun That was good. Yeah. So you had a very positive week as a parent. I had a really positive week. And then, yeah, we had a lot of fun. And now they're five and three, they are just fun to go out with for the day, like at the park, because they can just manage it. You're not behind that stage where you're just so scared of them falling off something. Yeah. It's horrific.

I can't wait until 2024. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard.

Oh, and the broccoli boots are over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMmo toronto fc cashback mastercard with up to five percent cashback on your purchases in your first three months terms and conditions apply oh this this is the problem in our house so it's all so i don't want to come on here and be all full of the joys of spring. I think it's too late for that. The sleep situation in our house, basically because of the heat wave, they was going to bed so late.

On Friday, when I was trying to watch Love Island, they went to bed at half 10, Josh. Unbelievable. They are going to bed at like 10 o'clock. Why are they going to bed at half 10? They've got no respect for it. On Friday, it wasn't even that hot. No, exactly.

But they've just got into this sleep pattern now. Oh, my word. But they go to bed about half 9, 10, and then wake up at seven or eight in the morning what time do they used to wake up half five six oh is it a pat is it is it worth the thing this is the thing i know that's what i'm saying for me it is because i'm bit i've been out working in the evenings a lot but for lou i don't know if it is i don't you know what she went out Friday night by the way I'm not going out Lou's going out as well you know you're not you're not just one of those you know those kind of piss head dads that doesn't give a shit I'm a piss head dad but I care as well exactly Rob you're both piss heads you're both piss heads and it's fine they get up make their

own breakfast do you know what I mean i think of all the times though rob i mean this is just my taste yeah but i would prefer to have my i like the early mornings during the olympics rob it's genuinely taking what i took one for the team on saturday up at 10 to 6 and i had an absolutely phenomenal time well yeah i'm i'm okay with brett mornings now i'm much better morning since the old um panny D when I've not been working evenings as much. I've been doing like, I've been doing work in progress shows to get ready for my tour at like 6.30 PM.

Right? In the evening. You don't need to do them, Rob. It's the perfect time for comedy, Josh. I'm home or in the pub by 8 PM. That's the dream. In the pub. In the pub.

Now everyone's WFH. Everyone's working from home. All right, sorry. Why do we need to start at 8pm? I was saying, what the fuck? I thought that's what you were saying. No, everyone's, everyone's, well, people are going back to the office, but I think 8pm might be too late for a gig.

Is there a market for an earlier start time now everyone's flexi-working? Well, I've always thought I'd love, I'd love a Sunday lunchtime one rather than evening because loads of people would go to that yeah i don't need to move into the marketing comedy club gigs that's not my world no but were i to do that a sunday lunchtime gig i've got a bit of an issue with gigs actually rob before i get onto my oh what's happening so you know my normal so my tour resumes yeah on september the 9th yeah due to the other work i'm doing yeah i have i feel work sounds like like you're doing something illegal yes rob um when you put a call in it i would have

been the one delivering it uh no old lime eyes up for it can you drop some round due to the other one i actually listens to this big does he? Shout out to Limeye. It's good for him, actually, because he can't see for three days after he's done a podcast. But I... Yeah, don't watch YouTube. It's all a bit green, I find. The screen's green. Sorry.

Yeah, so, because I'm doing other work, i.e. non-live, i.e. TV. Yeah. I.e., okay, FYI, BGW. Yeah. Extended play. Um, I've got, I've done three gigs since 2019.

I'm going to tell you now, Josh, that's not enough. No, it's not enough. I've got one gig next Thursday. Yeah. And then the tour. And then I'm back to say it now, Josh. That's not enough. No, it's not enough. I've got one gig next Thursday. Yeah. And then the tour. And then I'm back on tour. Which is a month later. And get this, the tour, well, I was going to say not my doing, but it is my doing.

Yeah. I didn't realize what I was putting in. Yeah. The tour is the day after a wedding in Oxfordshire. Oh. So I was like, I'll just get the car back from Oxfordshire. Also, so I'll be hammered, I've got Zoe Ball that morning as well. So you're going to a wedding,

driving home that night or? Being driven home that night. Being driven home, you've got a cab home. So, oh God, that's a long old cab though, drunk. Oh yeah, it's fine. I'll get my one hour sleep that I'm looking for. And then you're on Zoe Ball after seven, props. Yeah, probably, yeah.

And then it's in person these days. So you have to go into town. Yep. So you'll be getting picked up about 6am. Yeah. So you've probably finished a wedding about midnight, back home 2am, pick up 6am for Zoe Ball,

onzoable for live for half an hour. Oh, it's the Friday one, so you're there for the whole thing, Oh God, you're there for two hours, and you've got to listen to, you know,

something like The Blossoms do a cover. And then, then, you've got to go back home. Where's the gig in the evening? Dunstable. No, not Dunstable. That place beginning with D in Dudley. But near Birmingham? Near Birmingham. Oh, so you've got

to go home to East London, then you've got to drive up to Birmingham. Yeah, with a new tour manager I've never met. That's awkward. If you know him, you can go, can I have a kip? But if you don't, you've got to be polite or they'll hate you for six months. If you don't talk the whole way and be nice, they're going to hate you

for six months. Turn up at the gig and then do an 80 minute show that I've not done once because all of my gigs have been 20 to 30 minutes. And by all of my gigs, I mean four gigs. This is good. Actually, I think this is the best PR you've ever done for your time. I'm tempted to get a minibus to Dudley from South East London.

I'll get us all up there. All the lads. Oh, no, I won't lie, my. We'll go for it big time. Oh, this is going to be great. What I can suggest is I've been doing warm-up gigs to get you know remind yourself how to do it at this gig in Soho Josh

but you can book it I did like a 3.30 show on a Saturday and a Sunday and you can just do it in the middle of the day and people come

and it's that kind of vibe Paralympics Rob not competing I've got the Paralympics are you suggesting people won't go and watch no I'm suggesting

I'm working day and night for two weeks in the build up to the tour. Oh, yeah, you're fucked. I'm trying to see the positives, mate. But tell you what, if you live stream Dudley, I think there's the most money you'll ever earn. You won't have to do the other day. Like that you should get a camera crew following you from the wedding.

Like get them to meet you at midnight and just follow your day. Oh, my God. It's going to be brutal. You'll be all right, mate. You're funny. Have you got a tour support? Yeah, but I don't know who's doing it for that one because I've got various people doing it.

All right. I can tell you because they are going to have to do some heavy lifting. They'll gee up the crowd. Oh, mate, if you're going to the Dudley show, I'm so jealous. You have got the best ticket of the tour, I'd say. Yeah.

You don't want to see Josh smashing it, do you? Look, Josh, what I'd say is the energy of a crowd, right, they will lift you up and you will, once you get that energy, you'll get that from the crowd, it will charge you up. And when you're on stage, it just comes back to you. You remember it all. It's muscle memory. You'll smash the gig.

But I'm telling you now, as soon as you've come off stage and that adrenaline drops, it's the worst you'll ever feel in your life. Yeah, of course. But on stage and for the audience, they'll love you. It's the tears of a clown. And do you think they're going to mind that there's some printed out sheets on a music stand?

I'd hide them behind the speaker. Okay. Are we giving away too much? No. Last time I did Zoe Ball, Liam Gallagher had the lyrics to Rock and Roll Star on a screen. And if he's allowed that... This is a radio.

What's that? Yeah, I mean, that is weak, isn't it? Yeah, let's just slam Liam Gallagher for no reason. Come on. For no reason? Oh, my God. I've got something the next day as well. I've just checked.

What are you doing the next day? I'm doing a rehearsal for this Paralympics homecoming show that we're doing, the Channel 4 show. You can't work your body like this. You'll be in the Paralympics next time if you keep going at this rate. How's parenting been? We've not got onto your parenting. parenting um so sleeping acid reflux talk to me so yeah great news yeah he's really coming through the acid reflux thank you for all the recommendations to people who've emailed in and stuff um but uh last night he did 7.30 till midnight. Whoa. And then fed

and then did till 6am. No way. That is the dream, isn't it? 12.30 is such a great time. He's turned his form around. Like, you know when like a team just completely gets one win

and then suddenly, suddenly going. Like when Harry Kane scored against Germany. Yeah, exactly. Scrappy goal. Scrappy goal. But you knew. He did. You knew. Yeah. Harry Kane scored against Germany. Yeah, exactly. Scrappy goal. Scrappy goal. But you knew. You knew.

Yeah, he's a different baby. He's got his confidence back. Exactly. The confidence he's going into nights now. He's in charge of the reflux now. He's the acid.

So he's doing that. We had a bit of a hiccup. He's been doing that for about a week, right? Yeah. So me and Rose, 12 weeks, we decided, it was 12 weeks on Tuesday. Yeah. went out for dinner all right first date night first date night how was it now

consider what i uh that you still like each other just about we i put a bat i put a ban on talking about children okay fair enough yeah but not slacking off other people's that's a no no no our own children you could talk about any other children. We weren't having a discussion about, like, books and she brought up Matilda and I said I refuse to talk about the main character. Yeah, exactly. Strange example for me to use. Really weird.

Really weird. I was just trying to think of a child. We weren't discussing Home Alone and I said I would only talk about the burglars. That's better. As you would because, you know, I'm mad at date nights. Lou just goes, bloody hell, Home Alone was good said I would only talk about the burglars that's better as you would because you know a man at date nights who just goes bloody hell

Home Alone was good wasn't it remember that yeah I thought once Macaulay Culkin left the franchise didn't work but anyway

I'm gonna have the pizza but she so we went on the date night yeah and did she have to express for the baby

or was there a formula yeah yeah she's expressing she was expressing okay so did she have to express for the baby or was there a formula yeah yeah she's expressing she was expressing okay so um did you have to go and release halfway through in the toilet no and i'll tell you why rob did you tables well i had to you did send me an interesting uh article about a comedian oh yeah a bit of a bit of a industry gossip which you can't read on a date which i did read over three pisses. Three separate pisses in the evening. Every piss. The moment I was out of sight.

Let's read another four paragraphs of this. But I'll be honest with you. The moment I said, I'm going to the toilet, I'd say Rose's phone was out of her bag before I'd even got out of the chair. Oh, yeah. You know what it's like. So that's what it's like these days. Anyway, we got there at 8.30, Rob.

Yeah. By 9.55, we were flagging so badly. Yeah. We'd had two drinks each. And I said the words, I wish I was in bed. 9.55. We'd been there an hour 25 minutes got in the cab and that cab journey was like i might just go to sleep in the cab now it's gone 10 genuinely the worst most pathetic return to form

but if it makes you feel better this happened to us as well yeah we had our first night we went for like this turkish place which was like five minute drive from us and i was driving anyway because i didn't want to drink so the babysitter come at half seven and then we sort of like helping the babysitter get him into bed a little bit just go we're going now say hello so they weren't shocked he was downstairs we left at eight right we got we went there sat down not not very busy. They served the food, I'd say, within about seven minutes. We've eaten the food. We've had it.

We've eaten. Half eight, we're done. Right? Do you want a drink or anything? No. Do you want ice cream? No. And they went, okay, should we go for a walk?

We're in Bromley High Street. We got out onto the street. I mean, what the fuck are we? There's nowhere. It's not like an holiday where there's like, there's nowhere to walk. Right? Nowhere to walk.

So we got back in the car at 8.45. We've been out of the house 45 minutes. We've eaten. That's impossible. So Lou went, we went, I went, should we just drive around the streets? Because I went, because Louie started going, we can't go back with the babysitters, can we? It's not worth the babysitters while

we've not been out long enough it's impossible in the end Lou went oh just go home and just give her two hours money we won't know

nine o'clock back indoors in our house it's impossible Rob it's not it's what happened to me no no I don't mean it's impossible I mean it's impossible

for us to it's impossible to string these things out when you haven't got it in you you know like when a like a marathon runner they have to start I mean, it's impossible for us to, it's impossible to string these things out when you haven't got it in you. You know, like when a, like a marathon runner, they have to start at like two miles or whatever,

don't they? It's too, we weren't enjoying it. All we wanted to do was go to sleep. Yeah, that's exactly how we felt on the way home. I was like, I cannot imagine what it, I just cannot wait to be in bed. On the way there, we were like, we should probably go to the pub after this.

You know, I reckon we've been given the, you know, the babysitter said you can go as late as you want. I reckon just have the meal. You've got the keys to the sea. Yeah, because also we were walking along the street and we were saying stuff like, so great to see London open again, isn't it? Let's take advantage of it. All this kind of crap.

The hustle, the bustle. Look at everyone. I love it. Oh yeah. This is what life's about. It's what I've missed. 9.55,

one pizza, and I'm absolutely done for. I don't know if I'm getting old, but if I have a pizza and two pints, I've got to take out three days for the next week. I'm just like that massive belly. I'm pathetic. It's exhausting.

Maybe it's just a new parent thing. So, but anyone else has got first night out after baby stories like this? Cause I think everyone does it because you don't really want to go out. You just want to be, you want to recover. Yes. So on that night I made it.

So I had, I had two days work cancelled Rob rob so that gave me two days free in august and i thought i'm not i'm not gonna be professional and put in a gig so what i did yeah was uh there is an argument that the the more gaps you have between shows the fresh you are and the best it is i'm gonna be like i'm gonna i going to be so hungry for those laughs, Rob. Exactly. You won't be burnt out. No, there's no way I'll be burnt out.

There's no way I'll be bored of the show, is there? Four gigs in, what, two years? Yeah, four gigs in two years. I will be fresh as a daisy. You can't get much fresher than Josh Willikam, four gigs, two years. Tell you who I feel sorry for, Rob. Yeah, who's that? Let me just click on it. Let me just find someone who I feel sorry for. Tell you who i feel sorry for rob yeah who's that uh let me just click on it let me just find

someone who i feel sorry for tell you who i feel sorry for the people of grimsby who are going to have a show well well i've done it like 30 or 40 times poor bastards i'll be doing that off the top of my head absolutely relaxed they're not going to have the night of the people in dudley are they seeing someone that's you know absolutely firing on all cylinders that knows the show and is well prepared good luck to that i mean if you want to return your grimsby tickets because you're worried it's going to be too slick then i wouldn't blame you yeah yeah it's slicker than a butter daughter on stage right you want to get down to dudley swap your tickets if you enjoy seeing the creative process dudley's your place If you enjoy seeing the creative process,

Dudley's your place. If you enjoy seeing behind the magician's curtain. If you enjoy seeing a man having a breakdown, then go to Dudley. If you want to see nuts and bolts and paper, he's your guy. You'll be fine, Josh. You're an excellent comedian

and you know how to do it. You've done your apprenticeship. You know how to do comedy. I actually do think it's better to be fresh and excited about the gig rather than the other way of doing too much stuff totally now rob another exciting thing that happened i'm organizing a birthday not birthday because it was a birthday in october we couldn't do that due to lockdown so we're having a summer party oh that's exciting that's what we did i think it's the right

way yeah so i think we're so i tell you what put it on the uh the nursery whatsapp group oh yeah that is a that is a tense experience oh okay so what's what's your message talk to me at the moment it's all just like oh what do they need forest school stuff or pe oh no no it was like we're doing this. Oh. Yeah, so... Read me the message. Read you the message. Well, first, I texted one of the other dads. And I said...

DM, private message. Well, yeah, yeah. Just a WhatsApp. Slid into his DMs. Yeah, I sent him a WhatsApp. Yeah, okay. It's just a text message. Yeah, it's just a text message.

Just trying to put some colour and sexiness into it. I slid into his DMs. Yeah, I fucked him. And I said, do you think two weeks notice on this is a mistake? Do you think anyone, is this worth putting on the group? Or is this going to be a disaster? It's two short notices. Is that what you're saying?

I was worried. I didn't want to. Josh. So then I put it on at 9.19am. A good time? Good time. Good time. So I said, we're going to19 a.m. A good time? Good time. Good time. So I said, we're going to have a party on August the 14th.

So far, we've got no details, but hope you can make it. Terrible message. Well, there's more to it. You've got no details. I've lost faith in this event. Rob, people aren't coming for the details. They all know what it's going to involve. Right.

Yeah, but details are key. Details are king. So what is it on the night what morning afternoon 14th morning afternoon they're all they're all about 2 p.m rob i've been to these events yeah i think you've got to chuck in afternoon you've got to give me some day you've got to give them got give the people something josh you can't say no details what are you coming for details standoffish no no standoffish. No, no, no. You don't care. It's two weeks away. Get some details. What?

Two weeks away? That's loads of time. I haven't got any details to give out, Rob. I can't make up some details. Fair enough, yeah. That is why you say no. It's not like you're keeping them back. I'm not doing a slow release campaign.

Like a Kanye West listening concert. Exactly. You'll be you wandering around your garden with a red mask on and a big red gap coat. Look, you're all allowed to come to my house and I'll play you the details, but you can't record it and you can't take down any notes. Exactly. And then you can get away with the details. And my divorced wife will be there looking sad in the crowd, okay?

So, sorry, you've said, so 14th, no details. What's the feedback? I'm a bit, I need details. I'm a details guy. No one said I need details. You're too loose. This is so loose. Of course it's loose, Rob.

It's a children's party. It's not bloody Trooping of the Colour, is it? What? That's the stiffest example of a, what even is Trooping of the Colour? I'm not totally sure. It's something with horses and the royals. 18 minutes of total silence, Rob. Oh, nothing.

Nothing. I'd say that is the longest 18 minutes of my life. Really? Followed by someone saying they can come and that person being the dad I'd already texted in DM. Oh, first of all, great, he's got your back. Secondly, 18 minutes, bruv. You know this message is coming. person being the dad i'd already texted in dm oh first of all great he's got your back secondly yeah 18 minutes bruv you know you know this message is coming well i texted him the night

before to be fair i texted him the night before he might have been in on a team's meeting or something he and then then luckily he opened the floodgates four positives off the bat oh well not not not lateral flows just want to come. Want to come. They slapped you with a 10-day isolation. Sorry, mate. I've been pinged. Bloody pingdemic.

The pingdemic's a great excuse to get out of anything, isn't it? Oh, I love it, Rob. Although it does mean that you then can't go anywhere for 10 days in case you bump into the people that you've given the pingdemic excuse to. Glitching the system, actually. Yeah, just change. I'm sorry. So four people positives for the 14th. Four people, five people.

Five. Then a string of negatives. Fair enough. Fair enough. It's short notice. Short notice. Everyone's away in August. Everyone's away in August.

I'm falling apart. I've stopped exercising. My eating's all over the place. The summer kills you. People need routine, Josh. People need routine.osh people need routine so anyway i'm doing it it's going ahead 14th of august as as things stand rob yep no details tomorrow yeah i'm doing um i'm gonna details soft play yep entertainer entertainers key Yep. Entertainer. Entertainer's key. Piñata. The big three. So what time is you going for?

2 p.m. How long? You need an end time. Open-ended. It's in the park. It's in the park, Rob. No. Oh, you couldn't get it in your garden, the soft play?

Well. You're going to have soft play in the park. I think we can do it. I think we can do it in the garden. What if other kids just join in? Rob. This is dangerous. Rob. This is deadly. There's a lot of stiff neck garden. You can't. What if other kids just join in? Rob. This is dangerous. Rob.

This is deadly. There's a lot of stiff neck pain. This isn't South East London. It's Victoria Park, mate. You're only fucking two conversations away from either drugs or getting beaten up. You nearly got beaten up for trying to work out in this park. That is true.

That is true. What will happen is there'll be an odd bloke with his three kids that will just join in on the soft play. None of you lot will say anything. You'll send Elsa over to tell him off. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll probably just walk

away and then I'll have to... I won't even get to return the soft play to the rental because I'll be too scared and then I'll have to pay an exorbitant fee. You'll just take it home. You've bought it for him. So you're going to be in the park, open-ended, two-till, but then you can just go home.

I suppose open-ended's fine. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, cool. Okay, I would go personally, go two-till five and say, we're going to plan the soft play for the first hour, entertain a three-till four,

and then food four-till five or something like that. Maybe, Rob. I've just got a looser neck than you, mate. Look look all i'm saying is sometimes you've got to engage the stiffy if you want control if you're not engaging that's how we go into this bloody mess isn't it hey lot of fun lot of fun engaging the stiffy if you want control stick that on no context um oh that's exciting now what entertainer you're going for well i don't know because um i haven't got any details yet i've got a couple of i've got a couple of companies that i've been recommended um i know an elsa yeah i think i might go elsa i think i might go elsa

the only thing is with the elsa she does drive herself in just like a Ford dressed as Elsa. And my child was convinced she was going to come on an ice horse. Right. And she just saw a car and she just said, Elsa, why have you got a car? And then Elsa to her credit said, I've parked the horse around the corner. Nice.

How did that work? I do think though, well, I don't know if you park a horse, yeah hitch a horse and that did sort of work but then they were like older girls going it's not actually really elsa and i was like look you're five life's fucking hard just make just pretend to care and believe you're five you can't give up hope now it is elsa um yeah well i don't think any of these kids are clever enough to realize it's not also You can't give up hope now. It is Elsa. Yeah, well, I don't think any of these kids are clever enough to realise it's not Elsa. That's the positive.

Yes. They're all three or four. Not clever. Clever's the wrong word. Old. Sorry. Yeah, old enough. Yeah, three or four.

They'll be fine. But that sounds great. I think open-ended in a park, I let you off. But I do think sometimes... Open-ended in your house could be. That's dangerous. That's a dangerous thing. Yeah, no, so we had drop off no

parents drop them off at two come and get them at five however they're much older you can't do that yet at that age how much alcohol were you getting rob oh no there was no there's no parents so you drop them off boom we have them for three hours you come at five see you later bang and we had some grandparents there to help with numbers and i just sort of counted Ed's every 20 minutes and it was all right. Yeah. See, I'm kind of looking at it as a bit of a chance to chill out and pass the children on to an Elsa. We have got a good Elsa if you need an Elsa, though. Oh, well, give me the number, Rob. Not on here.

I don't want the competition for people phoning her. Yeah, exactly. Someone will just detroll you, book her all day on the 14th. Do you want some emails, Rob? Oh, yes. Oh, I've got some really good Instagram ones. Okay, hit me up. I'm going to send you this.

Okay. I'm going to send you this, Josh. You're going to absolutely love this. I think we'll be able to put, yeah, we'll definitely be able to put this on the group. We haven't put many photos on the group recently. Not the group, the Instagram. Put it on Instagram.

But you know, we're talking about keeping umbilical cords. Oh no. Babies, umbilical cords and teeth and all that. I've been Instagrammed this Rob. Okay. I'm going to send it to you just, and then I'm going to read it out.

Here it is. Um, listening, this is, I'll keep it anonymous. Listening to the episodes about umbilical cords, et cetera. We bought a house and I'm moving there.

A few bits have been left behind we weren't expecting. Not the end of the world, but to find the umbilical cord of the previous owner's door in the kitchen drawer was a bit shocking to say the least. They also hadn't lived in the house for a few good months, but they had to come to empty the property, so they surely knew they were leaving it there. Oh my God.

Would you have contacted them? No. Because the photo is a completely empty drawer with it in the door so you would have they clear that drawer out so they've seen it they've left it they've taken it it's not like they've left it in a pile of other things oh my god so no it's not like there's like some sellotape and a sharpie do you know what i mean there's that is a clear drawer exactly so do you think that they one were like did maybe didn't want to touch it or didn't want to throw it away so i didn't remember what it was like was someone else

clear it clearing it out but you just chucked that in the bin in the bin wouldn't you it's awful that is that's haunting it's like and you know what crime scene if you'd got there and you weren't a parent if if i'd seen that six years ago, I wouldn't have realised what that was. Do you know what I mean? It looks like a little clip you use when you're putting a grab bag of crisps in a drawer. Yeah, it looks like someone's done something with a packet that's gone... Beef jerky on it.

Yeah, attached a bit of beef jerky to a crocodile clip. That's what it looks like. It's crocodile clip, beef jerky. That's exactly what it looks like, John. Yeah, that's exactly what I think it was. That is awful. Absolutely dreadful. But do go on our Instagram to have a look.

Yeah, and judge. And just maybe if anyone's got any theories of why they left it or what the story is there. Yeah, what's going on there? What are these sick bastards doing? Is it like a kind of you know like when you like spread some ashes in a garden or something

are they like we want the umbilical cord to remain in the house. Bury it then, bury it. Don't leave it in the fucking knife and fork drawer. Disgusted. Right let's do this email and then do business shout outs. Joshua Hi guys. Thanks for all the free content. As such I've bought your books.

Someone did moan about adverts the other day. I'm like, bruv, it's free. Don't whinge, yeah? Oh, come on. Let us have adverts, for fuck's sake. Throw us a bonus. Throw us a bonus, will you, brother? I've got absolutely no work coming in in the next month.

On a recent episode, you talked about stories of leaving children behind accidentally. So I wanted to share a similar story of my own. Whilst on the way back from holiday a few years ago, my husband and I made the decision to stay overnight in a hotel at the airport before the early morning flight back the following day. The idea of a 3 a.m. wake up for a 7 a.m. flight back to UK with a small boy was too much to bear. Cut to 1 a.m. and the uk with a small boy was too much to bear cut to 1 a.m and the baby is awake and crying so my husband does the honorable thing of taking her for a walk uh to try and settle her down while i grab a little more sleep exhausted from a particularly bumpy wink week of time

difference affected night feeds i soon fall fast asleep and wait for my husband to return i wake up in a haze feeling like i've slept for hours with no sign of my husband assume i must have had a tense nap i check the time it's 8 30 a.m i jump up in the flight was at seven i jump up in a mad panic no husband no baby flight missed i'm delirious with worry and confusion i call my husband's phone to get to the bottom of this disaster on the side I hear a vibration it's his phone on the dresser I call reception for help

no sign of him I run around the hotel and restaurant frantically asking strangers at the buffet if they've seen my baby and husband by now I'm in a state of utter panic they're nowhere to be seen and every awful scenario is racing through my mind. After breaking down in tears

at the situation surrounded by hotel staff, down the corridor walks my husband, baby in arms, security guard by his side, looking both embarrassed and terrified. Turns out, in an effort to get the baby to sleep, he'd accidentally gone through a series of fire doors

through a corridor that ended up in him getting stuck in the service hallway with no way to open the security doors at either end. This is amazing. So he's been there all night? Yeah, after shouting for help for what he described as hours with no luck. Except to aggravate the baby

which he then silently soothed back to sleep before the shout for help baby cries soon cycles down again. He eventually fell asleep exhausted, sat up against a wall with the baby in his arms. His subsequent cries for help in the morning were only heard when security began to check the hotel.

Without doubt one of the worst warnings of my life we now never leave anywhere without a militant check that we both have our phone. And they missed the flight and he slept in a hallway. Yeah. And she's had a full eight hours.

She's had a great sleep. How fast do you think that man gave her the kid? Oh my God. Just take that kid. What would your mental health be like? Your mental state be like

when you realised you were stuck in that hallway? Oh my God, that is horrific. What if the baby got hungry? Oh God, I bet he tried to latch on in a sort of tight haze. Just try, there might be milk in there, that's all I've got. We've got to give it a go. I woke up in Glasgow once,

and my flight was at 8.30, and I woke up at 8am, my flight was at 8.30 and I woke up at 8am. All right. Yeah. And I looked at my phone and I was at a hotel like right opposite the airport. Yeah. So I basically, I was like, fuck. So I just chucked everything in my bag and run out of the hotel and got to the hotel

like five minutes past eight. Right. Obviously I missed the flight and I went, oh my God, I don't know what I'm doing. Can I get on the next one? She went, nah, you'll make it. I went, what? She went, you'll make it. Just, yeah. I went on the next one? She went, nah, you'll make it. I went, what? She went, you'll make it. Just, yeah.

I went, yeah, but it's this gate closed. She went, nah, you'll make it. I was like, what? So I ran for it. I was, I got battered the night before, right? And I'm like, I'm bogging down. You know when you're sweating already with hangover. And I've got a bag, I've got all my coats on

and I'm running through the airport at like as fast as I possibly can, right? And it's like quite a far i get there right at 8 28 where i've run and it's so far and i'd like to go through security and all that and the bloke goes yeah all right mate yeah come on and i'm like why am i the only one stressed right and i get on the plane right with my bag and i said and i sit down, right, and there is sweat dripping off my nose. And you know when your throat's so dry from being hung over?

I couldn't speak. What? What? Because there was no moisture in my throat, none. And then I had a drink of water, right, and I was like, you can't make that noise. And I was sitting there just like, and I was like, right, and as I like and i was like and i was sitting there just like and i was like right and as i'm doing like that right as i'm doing that and i have about

eight people just wander on leisurely and i'm like what the fuck is this what's going on what is this secret get on a plane late thing i don't know about and and then i then i was calmed down and everyone got on and I sat there and then they went sorry about the delay we're going to be taking off in about 10 minutes 8.45 15 minute delay just due to air traffic control I don't remember going off for fuck's sake

I went how on earth could I possibly be annoyed I've been awake 45 minutes and I'm on the plane it was awful and then coupled with other people just sauntering on. Oh, my God. But, yeah, it's horrible. That feeling when you wake up and you miss a flight.

Oh, my God. That's genuinely. Horrifying. But being in the hallway, these poor couple missing their flight with a baby. I can't imagine anything worse. I genuinely can't imagine anything worse. That's got to be the worst traveling with a kid story, really.

Isn't it? Yeah. That's, that's, you know, it's bad. He couldn't even bring himself to write the email. You know,

when a story is so bad, it can't be your story to tell. You need a bit of separation. Right. Small business shout outs. Yeah. This is, I've enjoyed this episode,

Josh. Yeah. it's been a great episode isn't it um right here we go what we got um here we go hi rob and josh i would love to nominate my little business for a mention i'm a balloon artist my business is called above and beyond balloons this could be good for you josh for your party yeah okay i have 10 years experience and entertain with balloon twisting at parties and events throughout lockdown made special twisted pieces for those lockdown celebrations please give me a little mention as it means the world as i was one of those people not eligible for government help oh that's a shame sorry about that mate so i soldiered on thanks guys you're

the best thoroughly enjoyed every podcast from the beginning You brought laughter to the bleakest of days. Okay, so this guy, no name here, but Above Balloons is the name of the company. So at Above Balloons on Instagram, or you can go to www.above-balloon-party-event. No, I'm joking. He's gone. WW or she, www.aboveballoons.com. No, I'm joking. He's gone. W-W-O-S-H-E. W-W-W dot aboveballoons.com. That's a very simple website.

You know that Flatpack Geezer? Yeah. He changed his Instagram account name. Yeah, and he's done tap to build. Good on him. Yeah, good work. So aboveballoons, if you want any balloons for parties, kids' parties or events, go to aboveballoons.

Oh, it's Sally Povey. There she is. Oh, they're great. I've just had a look on Instagram. She's put a flower in a balloon, Josh. Oh, these are amazing. These are actually really good, to be fair. Are they London-based?

It shows our research. I don't even check before we give the shout-out. That's why it's such great guys, Josh. Yeah, they're great. Where do they service? My creative crazy world of balloon art. Award-winning artist, fully insured. I did not think insurance for a balloon would be an issue,

but it's covered. Isla Sheppy-Kentz. I reckon she does East London. Well, let's see how I get on with Elsa, but that's definitely on the list. They look brilliant. That's great. Well done, Sally.

Keep soldiering on without the government help, and your balloons are excellent. Oh, there's a great Minnie Mouse one. These are really good, to be fair. Do'm just gonna i'm just rather than do a different one i'm just gonna say that chestnut books have been back in touch with us uh well at instagram me and said hi josh just wanted to send a message to thank you and rob for giving my small business a shout out on your podcast so many people have got in touch as a result and it's made such a difference. Oh,

brilliant. Thank you to our listeners for getting in touch. I'm so grateful. yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. It was,

it was just, it was just nice stuff. And I thought, no one wants us. They don't know that. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

I do. Thank you though. We get a lot of messages about that and people that have felt like it's helped and they've enjoyed it and mental health and stuff like that. We can't respond to all of them, but we do get them and it's, it makes it really lovely to see those messages. So thank you very much for getting in contact.

Thank you. We'll be back on Friday, won't we? Yeah. I've just sent you these balloons. I thought it was, it's not, I think Sally used to do balloon entertainment and she still does.

But also these are like, if you've got someone's big birthday, this is a golfer out of balloons and it's absolutely incredible. She's brilliant. Anyway. Yeah. So above, above balloons,

check it out. And the chestnut books. There we go. See you on Friday, Josh, for another interview on Friday. Thank you very much. Cheers guys.

Bye.