Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP11: "Rob, I only woke up five minutes before this..."

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

S04 EP11: "Rob, I only woke up five minutes before this..."More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...And yes you heard it right, we are very excited to announce even more Parenting Hell Live shows!! On top two the already announced Manchester Arena (Friday 14th April) and London 02 (Friday 21st April)- tickets are now on general sale but going fast!! We're also doing the following shows;19th April 2023 - Nottingham20th April 2023 - Cardiff 23rd April 20223 - Wembley Tickets are available on pre-sale to Parenting Hell mailing list subscribers at 10am on Wednesday 2nd March (the link will be sent out around 9am - please don't email or message us before that asking for the link!!!!!) To sign up to the mailing list if you haven't already just cut and paste this into your browser:parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Behold the DQ Freezer! An extraordinary freezer holding all the Blizzard flavours of the past. It's opening to bring back Rolo and Brownie Batter. Grab them before the DQ Freezer closes. Only at DQ. Happy tastes good. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting,

each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with...

Penelope, can you say Rob Beckett? And can you say Josh Whitacombe? It's like she's trying. She sounded like a spooky door, didn't she? Like, she sounded like... Like some Scooby-Doo-doo yeah hi guys please find attached my intro for the podcast by my daughter penelope done in the only way possible with a newborn this was recorded the week she turns three weeks old blimey three weeks i mean i should say three

weeks that's that is the youngest but the worst we've had. Yeah, very poor. Very poor. The very difference between Rob Beckett and Josh Whitaker. You could have switched them around, I wouldn't know. I thought she did well to shut up when he was talking and then start again. She did shit, Josh. Don't be seduced by the age. No, I'm not giving her credit. I'm just wondering how he's done that.

Yeah, to be fair, actually, the timing of the nonsense was good, wasn't it? He might have edited that. He sounds like he knows his way around QuickTime. Do you think he's been in the air? Garage band. He slipped that in Garage Band at 4am in between feeds and thought, you know what I'm going to do here? I'm going to make this special.

And he did. Well, Rob, he loves the podcast and started listening last year when his wife became pregnant. Then, all the usual you'll never sleep again stroke tiredness jokes. How I laugh them off being someone that doesn't usually need much sleep anyway. Two days. Fucking hell, mate. What's up with the way he said my wife became pregnant? It doesn't imply it's his. No, yeah.

Unfortunately, my wife became pregnant, but we decided, what the hell? Let's stick with it. It's a bit like his Joseph in the nativity, doesn't it? By the second week, we got into a good being tired routine. Like, I like this guy, but what I'm saying is he's talking like an old hand three weeks in. By week two, he'd nailed it. Obviously, the first week was tough, but now we've got into something. Oh, bless him.

He probably thinks he has. I don't want to be those patronising wankers that have got our older kids, but I think it's good. You have to have an element of denial because if you accept the fact it's awful, then it is awful. But yeah, mate, you're three weeks in,

you've got into a really good, was it a good, bad sleep routine? Well, no, no. This week, Penelope has now decided that she never wants to sleep. So it's up and down. Oh, fair enough. Wow. Imagine that his regime has changed mid-sentence.

Yeah. Through the day isn't bad, but the pain travels through the night when she won't stop waking and crying. Through the day is not bad. What, when she's not supposed to be asleep? Please let anyone waiting for the birth of their first child know this is not a joke. You'll never sleep again and you'll mostly

feel horrendous. Is he alright? I don't think it is a cry for help. Get in contact mate. You'll not be ready for it no matter how much you convince yourself you're a guide. Oh no. You'll not be ready for it, no matter what.

Sorry. What are you saying there? He's still going. Poor sod. Great work on the show, lads. I listen every week and it helps me get through these early days.

You're only three weeks in, mate. You've already said that, you silly old bastard. You're knackered. Stop editing your daughter screaming on QuickTime, mate, and get some sleep.

Oh, man. That email reads like my own inner monologue after both children. When does it get better stroke easier after this first month, please? Question mark, exclamation mark. The truth is, basically, you get sleep eventually, but you're emotionally ruined by your

children yeah my daughter right there was a bit of a running joke where they go i don't want you i want mommy you're spiky because i've got a beard they said they were like oh you're spiky blah blah blah but now it's sort of gone beyond the joke where it's just like no i don't want you you're spiky like and that's becomes the narrative is they just don't want me near them yeah yeah for the last couple of weeks that's sort of been what's going on and it's not very before it's like oh yeah they're saying I'm spiky I'll get head jogged now I'm like fuck off

then yeah fuck you fuck you I'll just shave myself completely bald is this what you wanted is this what you wanted a completely bald dad you're gonna give me a hug now? Give me a cuddle. Go on.

Give me a cuddle. I haven't got one hair on my body. I've been waxed within an inch of my life. Is that your alarm? Yeah. What's that for? Ten past nine? I think I snoozed it.

I think I snoozed it. I'll be honest with you, Rob. Snoozed it? Where the fuck? Where are you? I'm in the hotel room. Oh, you jammy bastard. Rob, I woke up five minutes before this was going to happen.

8.55am? Yeah. Oh, my God. That bloke. Who was that bloke who's got the ump? Tony Pottinger from South Shields. Tony Pottinger? Is that an Alan Bennett character? Tony Pottinger? Little Tony Pottinger.

Worked on the market store. Lived at home with his mum in a one-up, two-down. Don't know how that works. One-up, two-down. Why isn't there two-up? I don't know. Fell off. It's a triangular house he lived in, isn't it? Pottinger and the isosceles.

Well, do you know what? Before anyone writes in, I think the Pottingers are one of the tiny little families from um in the night garden how are they do you know the do you know in the night garden now we did i swerved that because it made me feel like i was on drugs at glastonbury yeah that's why i watch it it's the only outlet i've got mate sat there with a bucket out on a mechanic's side And just nodding 3am Pop on in the night garden

I've done so much childcare this week Look The last couple of weeks Josh I think you know We've both been touring and working And I was a bit like Oh Are we doing enough childcare now

To warrant talking about Like our kids This week I've been at the coal fire Is that a saying? Coalface The coal face The coal face

The coal face In front of the train Shoveling coal in it To keep it. Is that a saying? Coal face. The coal face. The coal face? The coal face. In front of the train, shoveling coal in it to keep it going. Oh, is that what it is? I think so. I thought it was like the face of the coal when you're down the mines. A coal face? I don't know. I can hear you clicking.

I can hear you Googling it. It's very rare you can hear someone Googling a phrase. But I can hear the mouse clicking. Here we go. The coal face. The surface of which coal is cut. Oh, right. I thought it was the...

I've got it confused. I'm too tired for this. I don't think this is a podcast at the moment. This is Two Men Survived. No, I think it is. It was a great podcast. For 10 minutes, we absolutely ripped Tony Pottinger to shreds, and now we're talking about...

TP got absolutely hammered TP got destroyed when he's at his lowest ebb so he's done us a favour by sending in an intro poor old TP we absolutely dragged

TP across the the coal the coal fart the coals yeah that's the coals it's the bloody coals that's where I stopped myself I was like

it can't be coals again how have we got to that it's the coals special right here we go right have we got to that? It's the cold special. Right, here we go. Right, I'm going to tell you what's been happening in my week, Josh, okay? Because you've been out gallivanting, sleeping, right? So, well, first of all, we've had a lot of questions. When you're moving house, what are you going to do

with your stove? Not moving. You're not moving? Not moving. Went to see it. Wasn't for us. Okay. Okay. Very polite way to say you hated it. No, I didn't hate it at all, Rob. It't for us. Okay. Okay. Very polite way to say you hated it. No, I didn't hate it at all, Rob. It was a very nice house. Okay.

We don't need to worry about the stove. I think you will move, but maybe not to that house. Let's not get bogged down by that again. Right, so Josh. Do you know we weren't moving, right? What? So I'll tell you this, Rob. So we decided we weren't going to move.

And then Rose was like, so maybe we could redo the kitchen. You're like, no. Can we just we weren't going to move. And then Rose was like so maybe we could redo the kitchen. No! Can we just not spend any money? It's not a trade off. Now we're not spending that money on stamp duty. Why don't we do something else with that money? Now we're staying maybe we should redo the kitchen. Or we

just enjoy the house we've got. Or just leave it in the bank so Josh doesn't have to do celebrity cooking by the campfire on Mars special on ITVB. Thanks. Do you know what, though? I am looking forward to that because genuinely, Arj is a hoot. He's a hoot.

I don't think he's a book for that one. I think he did the Venus special, didn't he? Oh, did he? Oh, sorry, yeah. They do a different planet each series. All right, I want to tell you what happened this week, Josh't he? Oh, did he? Oh, sorry, yeah. They do a different plan at each series. All right, I want to tell you what happened this week, Josh,

right? So I had the kids, yeah? Yep. Three nights on my own. Here we go. Here we go. There's the bloody cold face. Here we bloody go.

Swimming, swimming lessons after one day at school, yeah? Oh, don't talk to me about swimming lessons, Rob. Because the bags you have to pack, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

right? Happy days. The after school clubs are ballet, ta about swimming lessons, Rob. Because the bags you have to pack, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, right? Happy days. The after-school clubs are ballet, taekwondo, swimming. What? Too much stuff. Taekwondo? Yeah, bought with the outfit, never wears it, takes it in a bag every week.

How into taekwondo are they? I mean, how into taekwondo is anyone? Even the Olympians aren't really that bothered, are they? They don't want to be footballers or basketball players or netball players, hockey players.

So I don't want to throw shade on the taekwondo community. I'll get my face... You too, Loma Hamid, who was the main pundit on taekwondo during the Olympics. I spent a lot of time withundit on Taekwondo during the Olympics.

I spent a lot of time with him, obviously, at 5 a.m. during the Olympics. Because that was the peak of me getting up at 5 a.m. and sitting watching the Olympics. Oh, yes. So you feel like you connected with him? Yeah. I still follow him on Instagram. And every time he comes up, I'm like, fucking hell, this guy talks a lot about Taekwondo. He's a nice bloke.

I've met him, though. Cool. Imagine what... You were lucky at the Olympics. He was such a good pundit. I've met him, though. Cool. Imagine what... You were lucky after the Olympics. He was such a good pundit. Oh, mate. You're so lucky.

Tony Pottinger would kill for some fucking Olympics. Well, he's just got bleak world news. Poor old Pottinger. He's watching a fucking World War.

Poor old Tony Pottinger. Fuck me. You had a little bit of badminton. You know, a bit of a... Tokyo Marathon. Tony Pottinger's worrying about nuclear warheads. Fuck me. You had a little bit of badminton, you know, a bit of a Tokyo Marathon. Tony Pottinger's worrying about nuclear warheads.

Fuck him. Poor Tony Pottinger. Poor old Pottinger. Anyway, so it's a swimming, mate, right? Okay, so swimming. I got there and I got psyched out by another parent because I went to the cafe and waiting for swimming. And one of the parents, because Lou normally takes him,

another parent went, oh, don't they normally do four o'clock? And I thought it was half four. So I'm sat there at a quarter past four going, what? Oh, God. Oh, God. And I'm running around panicking, right? And then actually, no. Too late.

Don't bother running around, Rob. It's over. Give it up. And then I run up there and went, no, it is 4.30. And I've never felt more proud. I was really proud. And then I went up there and went, no, it is 4.30. And I've never felt more proud. I was really proud. And then I went into the changing room. And can I make a plea, please, for like when you are a father of daughters

or even boys, just children in general, and you take them into the men's changing room, obviously men are getting changed. But when there is a four-year-old girl in there, do you reckon maybe your cock could not be swinging? Maybe just sort of turn your back slightly? Or do you know that they're just like blokes with their cocks hanging out?

Oh, sorry. Swinging about. I thought you meant your own. I was like, come on. I thought it was a brag. I thought you were genuinely going, bloody hell, my cock won't stop swinging. What's the problem?

But how could I? No. Other blokes, I don't mean they're dressed, but like their dicks all swinging about. I'm like, mate mate I've got children I'm trying to take them To a swim lesson Surely

Just like Have a towel You don't need to walk Around without a fucking towel on Like even just for like Adults You don't need to I don't want to see

Someone else's cock My kids don't need to see your cock Just put your cock away mate There's children in the changing room You know what I mean Like And you can't go up to them Put your cock away

Because then your kids are with you Come on mate Put it away There's a child here you can't go up to him and put your cock away because then your kids are with you. Come on, mate, put it away. There's a child here. Put your cock away. There's kids here. Put your cock away. But you do go,

this is a weird, horrible place to bring a six-year-old. I don't like it in there. I don't like it. I find it. I find a toxic masculinity in the male changing room, let alone if I was

a six-year-old girl. I know. It's ridiculous. And even like, but also as well, for boys as well, just seeing a massive hairy cock in your face and it's at eye level. Do you know what I mean?

Stop fronting up an elephant. Do you want to hear something about my current, so my daughter. Have you learned yet? No, I can't swim, Rob. You know this. Come on, mate. I can't

What are you going to do When you're teaching your kids to swim When you're in a tall room like that I'm not, someone else is doing it for me Yeah, but what if they're in trouble What are you going to do? That's fine, they'll rescue me It's fine

I'll jump in and drown with them Why don't they get a little puddle jumper thing on That I recommended before And you wear one as well? Yeah. Can Rose swim? Yeah, of course. You've got to learn to swim.

I know. It's on the list, Rob. But you know what? Every week I'm very busy, and I don't think learn to swim ever is going to reach the top at this rate, and I know I should. So do you ever get in the pool or in the sea? Yeah, I can get in there.

I'm not like, let's put it this way. I could do a width maybe, but it would be very splashy. Who would beat you in a race? Would Alex Brooker beat you in a swimming race? Well, a float would beat me in a race

if there was a good current. No, but he nearly crossed the channel. He's only got, he's got like, he nearly crossed the channel. He's only got half the hands and feet.

I know. If only it wasn't letting him down. What is it that let him down? Have you heard this story? What happened? One celebrity who I, one celebrity it wasn't for *** letting him down. What did *** let him down? Have you heard this story? What happened? One celebrity who I won't name, who we've just named,

but we'll bleep it out. Yeah. He wasn't very good at it. And he got in. Yeah. And they were doing a relay of an hour each. Yeah. And he got in and he's swimming away and he's swimming away.

And he's going. And then he shouts up and he goes, how long have I got left? And they go, 59 minutes. Fucking hell. That's a joke. That's can't be true He's exaggerated that

He did one minute And he was asking for a time check Did he get out? No I think he carried on But they almost got there And then the currents changed or something So they failed They didn't complete the challenge

It's a shame But you've got to learn. You can go with him next time. Yeah. Swim the channel. Well, I'll tell you what's happening with my daughter's swimming lessons, Rob. Yeah, go on. So due to the way the pool's booked, the teacher, who's brilliant, so she's very popular.

Yeah. She has had the amount of time she can use the pool cut down. And you can no longer book it through her, you now have to book it on the pool website. But basically what it means is the lessons are released eight days before the lesson at 10 p.m. And people have to go on like it's fucking,

like it's Glastonbury tickets, Rob. How good is she at teaching someone to swim? She's brilliant. She's absolutely incredible. But you basically, well, it hasn't started yet, next week 10 p.m on a friday i've got last leg rose is gonna have to go on like she's trying to get glastonbury tickets and beat all the other parents to log on at exactly 10 p.m it's gonna be absolutely unbelievable it's gonna be funny watching the show and if you just like you see you getting your phone out and everyone's going he's booking swimming sorry guys i've really got to get these swimming lessons because the uh

the better gyms have got a new policy on how it works well that's the problem if you're a swim swimming instructor you're only as good as your pool exactly exactly and you can't build your own swimming pool it's a tough you know like if you are a pt like you can find a bit of gym space or you can even go do it in the go to park garden or whatever but if you're swimming you gotta just dig an hole out go right everyone in the pond we're doing it here exactly got no space the pool hold all the cards there rob they hold all the cards well that's when you're you're living in a cool london area that is going to happen a lot exactly i'm just i'm just i'm just saying that's just life.

I forgot that you live in Zone 5, where you just can't move from municipal swimming pools, can you? Oh, there's swimming pools everywhere, Randy. There's like two

in my house. It's unbelievable. It's rare you get through a day without falling in a swimming pool because there's so many, isn't it? My dog mainly just swims on his walks now.

There's actually more space to swim than walk. But that's annoying, isn't it, for your daughter? Yeah. Well, you know, we're going to be on at 10pm. We're going to be on at 10pm. And we're going to bloody well get those bloody lessons, Rob. Big day tomorrow, Josh, for me.

Oh, yeah. The school trip. Oh, I'm excited about this. Rob Beckett. Single file, please. Single file. Come on. Stick with your pairs.

Stick with your pairs. Here we go. Off to Leeds Castle. Get your sandwiches out. Sit down. Find a partner. You're not my kid. Get away from me.

Oh, mate. You're going to have to tell children off. No, I don't. I'm going to be the fun one. I'll leave that to the teacher. What the fuck do you think you're doing? Get back in line, you little shit. That kind of thing. Come on, eyes on. Fucking concentrate, you little cunt. Draw that, fill in that sheet

and then go to the fucking gift shop. Have you eaten your sandwiches already, you fat little bastard? Gobble, gobble, gobble. Wobble, wobble, wobble. Fuck off. Get up. Fuck's sake. That's my seat. Get out of my seat, you little mug. Fuck off, maggot. That's my seat. Get out of my seat, you little mug. Fuck off, maggot.

Back of the queue, you fucking lizards. Out my way. Right. The King Henry VIII, Livy. Sir, what do you want me to do with the little fat one at the end? He won't keep up. That's all fictionalised. Is that a flashback to your school trips by any chance, Rob?

So I remember going to Cadbury's World and someone stole my sandwiches and I cried on the way home. Well, at Cadbury's World, mate, you don't eat sandwiches. I know, but I didn't get any chocolate. I just had my sandwiches all over. It's horrible. That was horrible. But yeah, yeah, I was a little fat boy at school.

Yeah, so I said to my daughter, I'm going on a school trip. What do I need to do? Like, what are the rules? And she said, you can't say I can't, which is their little motto at their school. Okay, yeah. You can't say I can't. There's always like a way, you know, you say, I can't do that.

I can't. You get in trouble if you say that. And I said, okay, what else? She went, you have to be polite. Yeah, nice. Okay. And then she said, and the last rule is you're not allowed to say piss so i feel like i think she thinks i'm the loose cannon is she excited or embarrassed by you doing she's actually excited so i'm very happy about this

because like i say i was really worried about like not our jobs we're away a lot but it's very feast and famine so you're either away for like a week not at home at all but then most days i drop them off at school really i'll say 50 percent of the time i pick them up near 80 90 percent of time i drop them off yeah to school and then like i'm around and if i work from home a lot now so i'm around a lot and even if i'm gigging in the evening around a lot so i do see him a lot so i spoke to the other dads and apparently some of the uh other kids were didn't they they actually said you cannot go to their dads oh wow they'd embarrass me so we actually asked because lou really wanted to go

and i said well you go you're you know you're a teacher you'll you really get so i want to go as well but i'll go to the next one and then she was like we asked our daughter and our daughter asked for me which was nice so i was happy with that um and yeah so she's very very excited about me going to be honest so how much do you think you're gonna hang out with her and how much do you know what i mean like you i'm gonna i'm gonna try and keep away from her are you gonna rob are you going to be dressed as like a square adult i might go try i might go too trendy backwards baseball cap backwards baseball cap um my skateboard and a pair of yeezys what up kiddos look who's here oh man this castle's rad god it's pretty groovy here isn't't it, sir? Yes, miss.

And are you going to be Mr. Beckett? Damn right. Sir. Mr. Beckett. It's only a matter of time, Rob. It's only a matter of time. Mr. Beckett. I will demand Mr. Beckett. I'm going to be Mr. Beckett.

No one's ever called me Mr. Beckett. They are when they ask you to leave a premises. Come on, miss. I told you that when I got asked to leave the peter croucher after the euros didn't i i got escorted off the premises did you yeah so basically i turned up after a game you know that the night of the kfc yeah when it went viral after germany i turned up i was flying it was absolutely unacceptable i was so loud and i was walking up because they filmed lloyd was with me they filmed lloy Lloyd singing the national anthem

with me next to him, drinking a pint of beer, playing the tambourine. It was hilarious, but we were so drunk, they actually couldn't put it on the BBC, because you can't put people that are drunk on telly. Oh, of course. It's sort of like, you know. The last thing that show would want is viewers.

Oh. So there is a, I've got a video of it somewhere where Rhys James, another comedian, was there and he filmed us doing it. Anyway, and afterwards, I was just out the back getting pissed, but treating it like a pub beer garden, but it's a TV studio.

So they escorted me off the premises and said, we're going to have to ask you to leave. And then also... Little did they know, you were an hour away from doing an Instagram that was going to be... Little did they know you were an hour away from doing an Instagram that was going to be... Little did they know that I would be by a bin.

And anyway, yeah, but, well, that was good that I got escorted off the premises. I thought it was a bad moment. But then when I went back for the final, unfortunately, we popped in there for a drink. Obviously, we lost. But Harry Kane's wife was there and all of Harry Kane's family. The Kanes.

And I was chatting to her. She's really nice. The Kanes, yes, the Kanes. Kate, I think it's Kate Kane. Kate, she's a really lovely family. Really normal, just nice family from like Essexie or North London way. And we're chatting to them and they were giving me stick because I'm an Arsenal fan, blah, blah, blah.

And then I was giving them. But they were like, one of, I think it was Harry Kane's father-in-law or uncle or something, was obviously quite a funny funny bloke this was when he was almost definitely going to man city oh yeah you know around summertime and he was trying to so i was giving him loads of stick backs obviously because i was drunk and he was trying to like it was in a fun way anyway so they would give me stick i was giving them stick and then i went rough now see you later and they went to leave and they couldn't get out they couldn't find the right door whatever and i went and they come back and like in front of get out. They couldn't find the right door or whatever. And they come back in front of everyone.

And I think this is probably one of the funniest things I've ever said, Josh. I really nailed this. They came back and it was in front of everyone. Like Crouchy was there, all the crew, all the people that were on the show. And I think Wayne Rooney and Anton Deck were there. Because it was right by the stadium, loads of people nipped in there to wait for the crowds to disperse and then get a cab. So there was loads of people in there.

And they walked back in and everyone knew that there was a harry kane's family and he went sorry can someone help us we can't get out and i went who's on the door daniel levy oh rob honestly mate i like thank you thank you that's one for the football fans football fans at home again that is great people that don't like football are going what the fuck is that anecdote yes so basically daniel levy is the chief exec of tottenham the owner and he's very what you would say it's quite a hard task master when it comes to contracts and harry kane wanted to leave in the summer daniel levy wouldn't let him leave and now his family want to leave a building and i've suggested that the

chief exec of tottenham is on the door and won't let them out really nice really and then i did some follow-up not not as good stuff. Like, what do they want? 130 million? And it sort of tailed off. We've all done that. And then I went,

yes. And I felt alive, Josh. When can I get four more beers? And they went, no, the bar's shut. But you know,

I felt like a king, treated like a king. Anyway. Oh, so teachers, Josh, do you want to talk about that? I find teachers at school a bit like quite mysterious.

It's a bit like superheroes, aren't they? They're like, they give you a bit like Quite mysterious, they're a bit like superheroes Aren't they? They give you a bit of themselves But not fully There's not many people you only ever refer to As their surname Yes, yes Smith, Sir, or you go Mrs Smith Mr Adams or whatever it is

It's exciting when you knew the first name Of your teachers at school, do you remember that? Exactly, but I just thought that was because you're a kid But now as an adult, I don't know the first name of your teachers at school. Do you remember that? Exactly. But I just thought that was because you're a kid. But now as an adult, I don't know the first names of the teachers. You don't? So I just still call them Mr. Something. You know, and like this... And you're going to be dead tomorrow.

You've got to say to your teachers tomorrow when you're doing your... Wherever you go in, you've got to say, look, I'm Rob. What's your name? I quite want to try and make friends with the teacher and then go like, let me fancy a couple of beers after the trip. Yeah, come on, we're all fucking blokes. Get in phone with all the kids.

And women. Because he's like, look mate, just a couple of fucking lads having a fucking beer after a school trip. Hey, mate, listen to this, right? You're aware of the Tottenham transfer policy. Listen to this, right? Yeah, here's a story for you.

Who are you? You're Tottenham. Here's a story for you. Sit down. I'll get these. Four Stellars, mate. You're in for a ride here. This one's free.

Enjoy. You're getting this live in your face, mate. Come on. Have a drink. Let's do this. It's Tuesday night. I've done a school trip. I'm top of the world.

I couldn't be further away from the doghouse, brother. I've done a school trip. Looked after the kids for three nights last week. I could do whatever the fuck I want tonight. Have you heard of Crouchy's World Cup warm-up or whatever it was called? You remember it, right? If my jam was on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My jam was on it until the final and then she went off to America to go and see

her NBA playing boyfriend. That bloke from Taskmaster who was in the music, you remember him. No, no, no, not the big one, the other one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't follow football. Okay, don't worry, I've got other things. Have you heard of I'm a celebrity get me out of here do you know lamar from kajagoogoo i've got a great one okay no you're too young for that

don't worry let me go through the vault what we've got so how was the three days with your kids rob do you know what it was like it was it wasn't too bad because they were in school and stuff but it's just like what's it like when you got back to the house and it's just you it's just you in the house it's a fucking dog there isn't there sniffing about oh fuck i forgot about the dog um but no it's do you know what which like i think and i was going to say is that it wasn't it was actually there was moments obviously when they're kicking off and they're arguing and whatever but like now that they're old enough now where they are in school and it's a little bit a lot easier you know what they're doing and

stuff but i think i've and i was quite proud of myself that it wasn't actually that difficult because i do a lot with them already it was tiring because you're the only one that can do it you're not splitting the stuff whatever but i was like actually i'm really proud that you know because i have spent a lot of time with them i can just do this and they go like oh when can mommy take me to school and like i remember growing up my dad because he worked so hard and he never really took us to school and stuff because he was always working he used to work nights so he'd get in at like three in the morning he He ain't going to get up at eight in the morning. So he couldn't really do the school drop-off and stuff.

And I remember when my mum went away for like four nights, my dad did it. It was like, oh my God, dad's looking after us. And it was this fun mental thing. But now I'm quite happy that it's so boring for them, which I think is a good thing to be. So it wasn't actually too bad. They are bored of you.

They don't give a shit about you. And it's a good thing. It's a good thing. They don it wasn't actually they are bored of you they don't give a shit about you and it's a good thing it's a good thing they don't want to talk to me they want to listen to me but it what joe was weird it was actually it was mentally more tiring looking after them than physically i've actually i actually find it easier though to be fair when they're really little because when you're a baby it's sort of like literally if you've got them for like three days you just do whatever you want and they're with you. And it's tiring physically, but mentally it's fine. But when they're this age, it's quite exhausting.

It's like, oh God, you've got to do this, you've got to do that. They're going, she said this, she said that, what about me? And when there's one of you, there's no good cop, bad cop. You know, and I mentioned like solo parenting, like the people that are, you know, raising their kids on their own, like single parent families, it must be so hard. There's so much respect for you

because there's never that release of the other person coming back to help out. So massive respect to anyone that's doing that. It's really impressive. But, you know, I did enjoy it to be honest. It was nice, but I found myself getting a bit salty with people

because I was tired. I got a bit salty in a car park, Josh. In a car park? In front of the kids? No, they were in school. I walk into the shops. A lady was parked in the child and parent bay. Oh, here we go.

No child. Oh, come on now. I'm walking past her. I'm giving her sort of like slight sort of passive aggressive evils. Just like, oh, God, got no time for you, you loser. That kind of thing and uh she went oh aren't you aren't you that person off the telly i went yes i am yes i am have you met harry kane here's an anecdote for you sit down don't worry about the freezer stuff you'll enjoy

this she said yes i am off the telly and aren't you parked in a child bay without a child? Oh, what a slam. Absolutely. And her face dropped. Because normally, if you call someone out on it, it's an instant act of microaggression straight away, isn't it? You're accusing someone of something. She's opened up the chat.

And I've gone, yes, I am. And so she's asked a question of me. I've asked a question of her. She went, oh, yes, I am. But I do have a child, but me. I've asked a question of her. She went, oh, yes, I am. But I do have a child, but they're not there. And I went, it doesn't count. Consider yourselves judged. And I walked off.

Oh, mate. Felt good. Felt good. She was all over the place, mate. Can I say, you know what? When people say that, what's it like, you know, if you're on the telly or whatever and you get recognised? Do you know what it is?

It's like, you know when you'd walk along and you think you know someone, right? And I happened and i'll go i think i know them and then you know and if you're like before i was on the telly if they look back at me and sort of gave me a second look i'm like oh i must do because they've looked at me and then we go oh we used to live near each other or we used to go to school together but when you're at the telly if you do that look and they look back at you they've just seen you on the telly so. So you never really know if you know someone or not from years ago. Exactly, exactly. It's that second look that's confusing.

Yeah. But anyway, I told her she'd been judged. Oh, and did she move her car? No, she didn't. She was packing out to go. Also, I sort of scurried in in case she had a big, like, scary, like, boyfriend or cousin with her. Or son.

Yeah, or son. And she's a massive geez geezer gets out of a one of them 12 year old car suits oh i did some i think i'm getting like right into the school run now i did two bits of just like small chat small talk banter where as we pulled up because it's a drive-in drop-off system at the school one-way system so they've jumped out and then uh the head teacher there's got the hair it's like really blonde and like sort of looks like she's just had her hair done and i said oh new hair miss and she went no i've just brushed it and she went and i went and drove off it was really it was like it was i was like i'm in this is like i'm i'm in now sort of like this

quick back and forth and then on the way back there was a there's a guy granddad chris walks his uh daughter into school he's um like, you know, his granddaughter in. And the school parents had had a drink on Saturday. I couldn't go because I was looking after the kids. Lou was away. And he'd been out drinking at the thing because it was his son's party till like three in the morning. I drove past. I went, hello, Grandad Chris.

Bit hungover, are you? And oh, little bit. I went, ha, ha, ha. And I drove off. And I thought, do you know what, Rob? You are smashing it. You are smashing this school. I love it. And I drove off. And I thought, do you know what, Rob? You are smashing it. You are smashing this school. I love it.

You're on fire. That's exactly what you're looking for. Come on. Meanwhile, I'm in East London failing to blank someone on the school run. Unbelievable. Oh, mate, you ought to get into Zone 5. It's just a different world here.

It's a different world. People like each other. People like each other. And I've got a complaint as well, Josh. I've got a complaint about Black's, the mountaineering place whoa whoa whoa I'll take that

yeah if you've got a complaint about that shop oh Rob come on now mate if you've got a complaint about that shop you've really got to get

the all weather mountaineering shop in whatever it is yep yep anyway so I went in there I needed a backpack right I wanted a

like a nerdy dad backpack so I went in tried on a couple spokes of the Giza why do you need a backpack Rob it's a few little school trip your little school trip put your lunch and your clipboard in yeah well and also like family days out i'm getting one that's got good support so i can put all the stuff in here because you end up carrying everything so i forget a good school trip be honest i might take it but like some of the main reasons i've got it but yeah backpack for school

trip anyway so i went in there and uh i found one and i went oh i like that but i don't really like the color we've got any other colors he went not in here but we've got it and i thought you know what i'm gonna go into the shop and support the high street because you know it's good to support the high street anyway so i went in there and he went oh i left that one yeah but have you got a different color went not in the store however if want, we can just order it on my iPad and you can pay in store for the backpack, right? I was like, oh, brilliant. Well, this is great.

And it was a really lovely guy. This is life. Couldn't fault the customer service in Bromley Blacks, the mountaineering store, right? And that was all lovely. And then I paid the money on my card in the shop. I went, yeah, that'll be within a couple of days. I went, this is great.

So I've managed to support the high street, but I haven't got to carry it around with me you know backpack just wear it do you want a bag with that I don't think so

bloody hell what a bag for a bag what if I bought a Russian doll anyway I've paid for it get an email oh unfortunately

your bag's not in stock I was like what what the fuck? Oh, never mind. Never mind. Never mind. Whatever. Refund. Oh, unfortunately, for a refund,

you need to visit the store with the card you bought. Oh, no. Fuck you. Fuck off, High Street. Do you know what, Rob? You're never getting that refund. I'm not going back. There's no way you're putting that time aside.

So far down on my to-do list. That is always one too many things on the to-do list. Three quid of parking, probably. About three quid of parking. Yeah. Just refund me now. Why can't you do it down the phone? I don't know.

And I messaged them on Instagram and they've blanked me. Oh, they've blanked you. Yes. You've taken it up a notch. You've done it on the podcast. Blacks underscore online. You're getting it. I did start with such a salty Karen thing.

I did a screenshot of them saying, you've got to go in the store. And I said, this can't be true, surely. If you haven't got the start, can't you just refund my card? Nothing. Nothing. I'm going to reply to that. Oh, the silent treatment, is it? I can't believe you've slipped into Black's DMs.

That's incredible. But I know they've been online because they've been posting about other things. There's a pair of Merrell boots they've just posted about four days ago. Oh, no. Two days ago, they're talking about their collaboration with Rab.

With Rab? Dominic Rab? Dominic Rab, yeah. We've got a live email rob but have you seen we've got an email have you checked your email since it started no i haven't what's happened what's happened oh we've just got an email i'm not saying this for effects rob but we've actually got to i've forgotten that this might be happening and now it's been that we've got the email during the show. We're recording this at 9am, 9.16am. Morning, gents. Info on the extra shows being added this week. Oh, I forgot an email.

Oh, this is live. This is live. Oh, well, this is exciting. I'm just finding out. Oh, we're doing them. Yeah. I didn't. I knew there was talk, but I didn't know.

And it says 10 a.m. Tuesday, announce on the podcast, and press release goes out. So this has just come in. Sorry, guys, this is how I read an email. I knew there was talk, but I am so out of the loop in my own life. Right. Okay, so the Manchester and London dates are almost sold out, aren't they? So we've added more podcast live shows

yeah so as you can tell me and rob are heavily across the itinerary of the tour we're just we're just little pawns in their game josh little boy has been sent to cities um so this is what's happening so wednesday the 19 19th of April, 2023, Nottingham Motor Point Arena. Thursday, the 20th of April, 2023, Cardiff Motor Point Arena. What is Motor Point? And then Sunday, the 23rd. I don't think that's the big takeaway

from this information. I'm not going to the show, actually, if it's Motor Point. It's like a kind of car buying thing. It's a car buying thing. What did you think it was going to the show actually if it's Motorpoint it's like a kind of it's a car buying thing it's a car buying thing yeah what did you think it was going to be a new pen run on petrol

okay Sunday the 23rd of April 2023 London OVO Arena Wembley what the fuck is OVO OVO I think I'm with OVO

is that energy I thought he was in Love Island wasn't he he was in Love Island the basketball guy OVO Energy I think I'm with OVO is that energy he was in Love Island wasn't he he was in Love Island the basketball guy OVO energy I think I'm with these guys yeah

oh good oh great guys absolutely do you know what I'll double check that mate before you say that yeah yeah good I should check their shareholders

but so this is so basically this is we've been told the schedule is as follows Tuesday the 1st of March 10am

announce on the podcast then press release goes out that's what the schedule is as follows Tuesday the 1st of March 10am announce on the podcast then press release goes out that's what we're doing now yeah Wednesday the 2nd of March Parenting Hell mailing list pre-sale and OVO pre-sale

10am so Wednesday the 2nd of March Parenting Hell mailing list pre-sale so if you sign up to the mailing list sign up to the mailing list

as you're listening to this if you're listening on the day of release then you can get in ahead of other people to get to the Motorpoint Arena in Nottingham, Motorpoint Arena in Cardiff and London Wembley Arena next April 19th, 20th and 23rd of April next year. Yep. So sign up to the mailing list and you'll get the link on Wednesday, the 2nd of March this week to buy tickets to Nottingham, Cardiff and Wembley. Thank you very much. That's exciting, Josh, isn't it?

If you're one of those people that does want to sign up to the mailing list, take your gamble. It's out on Friday, general sale, 10am. There you go. Yeah, for the risk takers, for the loose necks. Yeah, gamble your life. I don't want them to have my bloody details. I will sacrifice potentially not getting a ticket

like Josh going to child swimming. I will buy this as a guest. Continue as a guest. I don't want to log into your system. Anyway, Josh, I have blabbered on this week. No, I think we've both blabbered on here, Rob. We've both blabbered on. So much blabber.

So much blabber. The Pottinger. The Pottinger. That Pottinger seemed about a week ago. Oh, mate. Poor old Potts. He's had another hour of his life that he'll never get back. Potagenio.

Do you reckon he gets called Potter Genio by his football friends yeah but he's not seen them for three weeks and he can't believe how long it's been he can't believe he's going to turn up

all tired and sad and a bit heavier oh do you want to hear a good football nickname I play football with a bloke called Hish and he's a really good goalkeeper

and someone called him Shaka Hishlop oh really good there's a lot for football fans here today oh basically if you don't know I'm not going to explain him Shaka Hishlop. Oh, really good. There's a lot for football fans here today. Oh, basically, if you don't know, I'm not going to explain it. Shaka Hishlop was a footballer.

Shaka Hishlop. Yeah, really nice. Lovely stuff, isn't it? And they're all about the same age. We all know who Shaka Hishlop is now. She's actually talking about current goalkeepers. No one knows her. No, exactly. There was that really funny incident with the Chelsea goalkeeper yesterday,

which was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life, Rob. Well, I missed the football because I was doing my Radio 2 show, guys, five till seven on Sundays, if you want to listen. Also, can I ask something? Can I quickly ask something?

Guys, can you do me a favour? Go on BBC Sounds and listen to my radio show from Radio 2. Do you know what? I might do that. Even if you're not actually listening to it, just leave it on in the background. It really helps the numbers.

Thank you very much. Oh, yeah, I used to do that. Just, you know, help a brother out on the BBC. The old Channel 4. Go on all four, press play, put it on as a background window and then carry on with my work. One more. One more for the vault.

Anyway, so what happened with Chelsea? Why is someone watching Last Leg of Tanningham on a Monday? That is a weird decision. All day for five days. That's really big fans in East London and Australia and in Huddersfield. Strange. Strange numbers. Right, so do you want to do some Instagram messages?

I've had things come up this week. But shall we do them on Friday? Shall we hold them back for Friday? Let's do yours on Friday. We'll do some emails, Instagrams. I've got a couple of good ones there. Why not? Talking about long...

Oh, this really ties in perfectly. This one's about coal, weirdly enough. Oh, yeah, go on, hit me up. Longest grudges. You know we ask about your longest grudges. Oh, yes, please. Keep going. Hi, Rob and Josh. Thank you for making an amazing podcast. me up um longest grudges you know we asked oh yes please keep keep going um hi rob and josh thank you for making an amazing podcast i've repeatedly listened to it whilst rocking my second baby born

in april to sleep rob mentioned about odd long-standing grudges recently my great granddad born 1898 was a coal merchant um and when a branch of carp opened in the next village he told his daughter my gran she wasn't allowed to shop there as they sold bags of coal and they'd put people like him out of business. He died in 1950, but she continued to boycott the shop until the day she died. This meant that when collecting my sister from school in that village, she would drive an extra 10 minutes to nip to the shops the things she needed, driving past the co-op on the way. I now live in that village and I don't dare tell her I shop there as I knew she would hit me with the story of Grandad Len and his coal business. Grandad Len.

She passed away in 2014, so I only now feel free to shop at the co-op. Incredible. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. Amy, love that. Love it. Love that. We've got a new shop near me, Rob.. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Amy, love that. Love it. Love that. We've got a new shop near me, Rob.

Guess what they're opening? You're not going to believe this, Rob. Let me get candles. Candles or honey. Do you know what, Rob? Someone's decided to open a coffee shop in Victoria Park. I can't believe it. They've really...

Another one? I can't. What a blue sky thinking for you. How many have you got there now? One, two, three, four, five, six. There's only about 12 shops. I know, it's great. And what about, are there any brands

or are they just little ones, little local ones? Gale's. Their cheese twists are fucking incredible, Gale. So do you know what? Sign me up. It's got to be, that's probably one of the unhealthiest things you could eat in a cheese twist. Yeah, but man, it's crispy and it's soft rob it's crispy sorry we've

turned into a gamble and james acaster carry on no no there's been way more laughs hi rob and josh been listening um since before i a mum. And now I have a 10-week-old little girl, Maya Rose. About 20 years ago, my mum and dad bought a futon from Argos. When it arrived, there were little holes in the wooden arms. They were obvious. After some back and forth with Argos, they refused to come and collect it. They had delivered it. They said we'd have to take it apart and drop it off

and were awkward about a replacement. My mum had just come out of hospital at the time after having major surgery and my i don't i can't you can't say it's argos's fault that that stays you know that is unfortunate but i don't yeah no she didn't yeah anyway my mum after a tiny pen incident yeah my mum had just my mum had just come out of hospital at the time after having major surgery and my dad threatened to put the futon outside Argos with her laying on it in a hospital gown to get some attention. I mean, that is brilliant PR. Until this day, he won't shop there if something is cheaper,

and if I buy anything there in Argos, I dare not tell him. It is all to my benefit as I tell him I can't afford something and need to buy it cheaper in Argos, and he will buy it somewhere else for me. That's amazing. So she uses it as a threat that she's going to get it from Argos and he buys it somewhere else. Thanks for keeping me laughing the last few years. See you in Manchester. Alicia.

Alicia. Alicia. She actually spelt it out. She's put Alicia and in brackets, AL-IS-SIA. Al-Easia. Larrington. I was a surname. I thought it was a place.

That's generic. Generic Lancashire. Larrington. Larrington. I'm from Larrington. It's all right. I'm from Wimslaw. It's only a 45-minute cab from Wimslaw to Larrington.

Great, great train network down to London. Do you know what, Rob? Yeah. That was a much better delivery of a generic northern accent than I thought it was gonna be

that was really strong do you know what I think I'm becoming an all-rounder do you yeah I think I'm really I'm really you know

I started off as a cheeky little chancer but I think I'm I think I'm becoming quite a sort of like you know showbiz guy now yeah you're still a chancer

but I think you're a showbiz chancer now yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly I'm just sort of like, you know, showbiz guy now. You're still a chancer, but I think you're a showbiz chancer now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm just sort of like, you know, go for it, fucking why not? Oh, we've got a PS here. Oh, no, we haven't. Sorry, no, that's separate, that's separate. Sorry, I thought it was a PS. It's just someone else saying, this is Andy.

A-N-D. No, I'm joking. He just left it as Andy. He hasn't told me how to spell Andy. Guys, I love the podcast. Keeps the insaneness starting more sane. You wanted to know about holding a grudge recently. I took this to the ultimate level of my professional tennis career.

All right, mate. Calm down, Andy. It's not Murray, is it? It's not Andy Murray, is it? Basically, my mum has been following me around for years. So now, whenever she goes to the shops, I'm ten feet behind with a stern face. My mate won't get jabbed and I said, you can't play

in the Australian Open. And I'm refusing to go to Serbia. I used to never go back. Here he goes. I went to Holden-A-Grad. I used to take this to the old level of my professional tennis career. I used to never go back to tournaments where I lost.

Quite simply, I ran out of tournaments across the UK and Europe. That is incredible. Do you know what, though, Rob? I do that kind of thing. You know when comedians are like, if I do badly on a show or at a gig, I'm like, right, I'm going to show them next time. I did badly, Rob rob i never mind the

buzzcocks in 2013 and i have never gone back i've gone do you know what it's not for me i was bad on that show running a bit like it's kind of oh no it has come back again hasn't it but it got cancelled for a little bit and then yeah you still could have gone on but you know what i got asked to go again and i was like do you know what i'm bad at still could have gone on. But you know what? I got asked to go on again and I was like, do you know what? I'm bad at that. I'm bad at it. Do you know what? The problem is, it's a difficult thing because the ego that is. The ego goes, I'll show them.

And the problem is when you run off an ego, it's not coming from the right place because you're doing it for the wrong reasons. You're not doing it because it makes you happy and you enjoy it. You're doing it to prove a point to someone else. And if you constantly live your life trying to appease people and work to their interpretation of success, you'll never be happy. Even if you go on and smash it, you won't enjoy it because you're doing it for someone else. You're not doing it for you.

But the real reason is to accept how it went and go, well, that's just what happened. And it's not because you're good or bad or whatever. That's just what happened in that moment. So you're doing the right thing, Josh. You're an inspiration. Thanks, mate. Thanks. Yeah, I'm slowly, one by one, doing badly on TV shows and never going on them again. that moment so you're doing the right thing josh you're you're an inspiration thanks mate thanks yeah i'm slowly one by one doing badly on tv shows and never going on them again um josh we do small

business shout outs and we'll do your week and a couple more messages on friday do you want me to tell you do you want me to trail my week rob i've got crawling i've got something getting into our house and i've got my struggles to sleep in a hotel brilliant love it that can't wait for that on friday with a great guest and i've got good news for sleep in a hotel. Brilliant. Love it. Can't wait for that on Friday. With a great guest. And I've got good news for you, Rob. The guest's a footballer. Great guest.

We'll talk about crawling, Josh's struggles to sleep in a hotel room and something getting in the house alongside talking to a footballer. Yes. A parent as well. A parent, yeah. Hello from Scotland, Rob and Josh. I love, love, love the podcast.

Makes the housework so much more bearable the kids do think I'm nuts laughing at myself though can I get a small business shout out please I opened the ginger cat children's bookshop in Kilmacolm K-I-L-M-A C-O-L-M at the end of

last year after leaving my job as a health visitor I've never run a business before and I'm learning as I go, but I absolutely love it and love all the families that visit the shop. I'm on Facebook at the Ginger Cat Bookshop and Instagram at the Ginger Cat Children's Bookshop. I would be so grateful for a shout-out. Thanks, Eileen Jeffrey.

You can buy, I'm sure you can order books and get them sent if you don't live in Kilmacon. Why not not Rob? why not? go on to the ginger cat book shop Instagram or Facebook and order your children's books from there do it, everyone do it and then you know, support a small business

she exclusively sells Garfield books so that's what we should make of it she does, they are funny he loves lasagna that cat he just loves it it's like you fucking Christmas Garfield She does. She does. They are funny. Ginger cat based books. He loves lasagna, that cat. He just loves it. It's like you. Yeah, it's like me. Fucking Christmas Garfield.

Finally, that's why I identified with him. Well, this is a non-London special. Please keep saying that we have so many sort of South, especially London based businesses. So if you've got, if you're not in London, we'd like to give you a shout as well. So a non-London special. We had Scotland.

We have now got Newcastle or Northumberland, close to Newcastle. Hello. I hope you haven't forgot your Up North special. I'm from Northumberland now got um newcastle or northumberland close to newcastle hello i hope you haven't forgot your up north special i'm from northumberland closest newcastle i love your podcast i run a small business called murphy and me that's at murphy and me co co at the end i create personalized illustrations family portraits children's nursery illustrations pet portraits it would mean the world for you to share my work i went full-time with this little business throughout lockdown so every little helps thank you francis so that's murphy and me co on instagram um look at that look at us

spreading the love across the country josh do you know what kent isn't the central uh business hub that we are making it out to be. The world doesn't revolve around Kent. Oh, there we go. Murphy and me. Lovely little drawings there. And a little baby. Oh, very nice.

Right. Support those businesses. And yes, remember, sign up to the main list. Cardiff, Nottingham and Wembley Arena go on sale on Wednesday. Do you know what, Rob? We haven't really talked about that. It's quite exciting. We're playing Wembley.

Very exciting. We're playing Wembley. We're playing Cardiff. We're playing Wales. We're doing an international tour. And we're playing Wembley. Very exciting. We're playing Wembley. We're playing Cardiff. We're playing Wales. We're doing an international tour. And we're playing Nottingham. International tour. Yes, it's technically

an international tour, isn't it, Cardiff? All those people that said, can you play Cardiff, Nottingham? You got your wish. Right, see you next, on Friday. See you on Friday.

See you on Friday. Bye. Bye.