Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP19: "How many whippets have you got out of a fence?..."

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

S04 EP19: "How many whippets have you got out of a fence?..."More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Ellie, can you say Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin. And can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. That was a great Rob Beckett, wasn't it? Shall we have it one more time?

Yeah. Beckett. Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. wasn't it? Shall we have it one more time? Yeah. Beckett. Rob Beckett, Bucket Beckett. Rob Beckett, Bucket Beckett. I love it. Very nice. Yes.

Hello, this is a voice recording my two-year-old saying Rob Beckett and Josh Whittacombe. We've been listening to the show from the beginning and rely on it regularly to make us laugh and feel better, especially with our new current living arrangement. Ooh. We've just moved out of our first home and moved into my mum's house for a few months with a very sassy two-year-old who's now decided she can no longer sleep in a cot. It's like Action Man climbing out in under five seconds.

So now our sleeping arrangements involve either me or Ellie's dad sharing a bed with her and the other in a separate room. Ellie's dad and I look forward to our turn of having the bed to ourselves. Chloe from? Oh, Lincolnshire. Wokingham.

Where's that? Is that near Woking? Got to be, innit? Got to be, innit? That near or near Ham. It's been a terrible start to the day for me, hasn't it, Rob? Well, we were supposed to meet at 9.30 and I rang you at 9.36 and you was asleep. Yeah, and I was very cocky, wasn't I, when I answered the phone.

Yeah, I wish you recorded it. You were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just getting up, getting ready for the big show. I thought it was 10 o'clock. And then you went, shit! But I've already been up, just to so people think I'm lazy. So are you at home or are you on tour? I'm at home.

I got back last night at quarter past one. Yep. And then I got up at six with my son. Jesus. And then I went back to bed at 7. right and you were getting next so did did you rose do the school run yeah right okay that's nice yeah solid so i was i was absolutely buzzing for getting back into bed thinking here we go sorry sorry to ruin your lying no no it's all right, I love the way you felt like, oh, I'm not being lazy because you slept in past 9.30. How shit is our life if you've got to apologise for showing off that you were in bed at 9.30?

Sorry for my bougie laid-back lifestyle, but yeah, I was still asleep at 9.30am, actually. I spoke to someone in the audience last night who was retired and she gets up at 6 30 out of choice fucking idiot what my mom and dad get up about half 10 11 yeah good on them of course 6 38 what did she used to do postman yeah it was um she was the breakfast dj it was nick grimshaw oh josh how are you you don't sound good rob you don't sound good, Rob. You don't sound good. I'm having a fucking nightmare.

The Becketts are having a nightmare. Oh, well, I've got to say that is exactly what our listeners want to hear. Basically, losing hospital, she's fine. Oh, God, oh, sorry. Oh, no, no. That's an awful turn in the road. That's what I want to hear. One of the things I knew that, and I'd forgotten.

It's good to know you care, Josh. No, she's fine now, but she's got to stay in for a couple more days. So she's already been in for three nights. Blimey. Yeah, I know. So she's got to stay in for a couple more really long and boring reasons why. But she's fine now, but she's on this medication. So she'll be out in a couple of days, but she's feeling better.

But they don't want to sort of release her too early in case you're allowed to go in with all the covid is it all now yes so you're allowed to go and visit so i visited her and stuff i'm going to take the kids in today to see her because they've not seen her but it's just like the first of all is the stress and the worry about your partner not being well and finding out what it is and we found out that. And then she's on the right medication. So she's, she's much better now. But then on top of that is the logistics of the work and the kids. Have they been in?

No, no, no, not to visit. They're going to visit later, but they've been at home. Yeah. I sent her in with them.

You take them. I didn't mean that. Yeah. No, no, no. Yes. It's been a nightmare.

She's not around all day, Rob. Can't she just look after them? I have to go and pick the kids up from the Osport at 9pm every night. And then I've got to do bedtime. But no, no, it's been a fucking disaster. Just so, so busy, Josh.

Oh, mate. Because I've had a busy weekend as well because I did Milton Keynes on Saturday and then on Sunday I had voiceover in town and then I had to do the radio show in town. So it's been like, we've so many lovely people helping. And we've got the dog.

You have to sort the fucking dog out, Josh. Oh my God, Rob. So much has happened. So basically I took Lou to the hospital and then our youngest was off school for the day. So Lou's parents took her out for the day and then took her back to her house. And then I picked up, what did I do? I can't even remember what i've done

i took i took them home and had them friday night then yeah so i took them home and i'm friday night with the fox and the grain and the chicken getting them across the oh mate yeah so so right i i was off friday so i i dropped lou off at the hospital and stuff and then yeah she had a play date after school so i went and got my eldest from the play date about six, went and got the younger one from the grandparents, took them home, did bedtime, put them to bed. Saturday morning, they wake up. And then Saturday morning is quite a stressful day

because I've got a dog in the house. So they go gymnastics. I semi-told this story in the radio show. Are they only good at it, the dogs? They're not what fucking whippets are. They're world quick. So bendy. Right, so this is what happened at gymnastics, right?

I'm stressed getting up in the morning, because I'm worried about Lou. At this point, we don't really know what's going on. So I'm fully stressed. Like, now I'm a bit calmer, because I know Lou's feeling better. She's not in pain, and she's on the right medicine. We've just got to wait for her to get fully fit

in a couple of days, right? It's sort of like, if you play FIFA, she's not a big red injury. She's the little plaster one. Right, yeah, yeah. We know what it is. She's coming back. She's got a knock.

She's got a knock. Bless her. She's had such bad luck. I feel so sorry for her. She's so bored. And it's so hot in there. Why are hospitals so hot, Josh? Is it?

It's so hot. It's so hot. Yeah, so Saturday morning, I wake up stressed, right? So I've not slept really. I've been Googling all the, you know, I've been Googling everything any doctor's said to her for the last two days about what's wrong with her. So I've Googled the internet all night,

wake up at 5.30am, that's what time the kids are getting up at the moment, and get them all ready. I dress, this is me, because I've panicked because I've run out of time to get into gymnastics for 9 a.m. Because what I do is I take them to gymnastics, drop them off, and I have 45 minutes to walk the dog. So then I can pick the girls up again and then get back home.

Right. I've got to go to Milton Keynes that night. But anyway, I get up and I'm in a rush. I finally get them dressed. I'm trying to get them dressed. And they go, you're not good at this. Mummy's better than that. Mummy has a better plan.

We prefer mummy. And I'm in my head going, but mummy's not here. She's not well. But I can't say that. She's got a knock. I'm trying to, she's got more than a knock. But I was trying to like not, you know, let my stress get on the kids. So I'm sort of internalising it all.

Anyway, so I dress like a maniac. My hair and beard at the moment, Josh, is mental. Like it's big up. My hair's all, I look like some sort of like eastern european boxer it's just dead straight hair yeah like perfect crop like no gel in it and then the beard is massive it looks quite armish abraham lincoln style like blonde gingery beard so i look mad my head looked mad i put on a pair of ankle sports socks and hiking boots a pair of running shorts for no reason whatsoever like that was the only shorts I could find, but they were so short.

It was a hot day, right? Leg out. You've got tiny socks and shorts and hiking boots. So much leg. So much. I look like a sort of Yask Fiat 500 queen at Reading. All you can see is just leg and little shorts. And then a big hoodie, right?

And a backpack, my nerd backpack, right? I've got that on. Go there. Got the dog, got the kids. Where are you going so not the place you want to look like a pedophile no no no not at all right so i drop them off at gymnastics take the dog for a walk come back i'm waiting to pick them up i've got the dog and there's this like sort of fence not like the fence they have for the marathon like a metal fence right tiny little gaps in the bottom of it and i'm trying to wait there but i didn't realize you've got to go into the sports hall to say the kids names to get them they don't just let them run out so i'm stood at the back with a dog like oh god i can't take a dog in a sports hall do you

know what i mean and then there's about 15 parents there and about 20 kids waiting to go in for the next session anyway this kid strokes fred the dog and as the kid strokes the dog, he goes through the fence, gets stuck in the fucking fence. Oh, my God. The dog is stuck in the fence. How does a whippet ever get fucking stuck? It's the most narrow dog. It's like a letter. You could fucking laminate a whippet.

So what happened? It squealed like a pig. Have you ever heard a dog trapped? Oh, my fucking God. Have you heard a dog? How far down the dog are we talking about, Chapman? You're talking, it's clipped over one rib. Oh.

It's clipped over the top, like it's like a safety harness on a roller coaster. Perfect fit in many ways. Clipped over the first rib, squealing like a pig everyone's staring at me right because i look mental already i'm bent over i'm like crouched down bollock nearly hanging out the shorts right trying to wrestle this dog the noise awful like toe curling blood curdling screams this dog but like so what i'm doing i'm trying to bend the dog but the dog's a fucking idiot. And he like, because he's basically got his shoulders like wedged. So now I'm having to bend him in and out.

I sort of twisting his head through the bars like a tap. And this bloke at one point, I'm crouched down trying to feed this dog fruit, right? One woman went, just push him through. I mean, he's got fucking ribs. I can't push him through. Who is backseat in that situation? Just push him through. Yeah. And then someone else heckles.

Yeah, you don't want to be doing it like that. And I turned to him and went, how many whippets have you got out of a fence? When was the last time you fed a whippet through a fence, mate? So anyway, then I get the dog out. I lift the dog up. You bring him back. You're not putting him in the whole way through, are you?

No, I pushed him back. I fed him back through. I didn't kick him up the ar're not putting him the whole way through, are you? No, I pushed him back. I fed him back through. I didn't kick him up the arse and wedge him, right? Anyway, so then I pick the dog up. I walk in the sports hall, dress like a lunatic, and then get the kids and come out. By the way, if you're not sure of what I look like, I've got a tweet that someone directly sent to me,

which is always helpful, isn't it? What, have you never looked out the fans? No, it's just what I looked like that day this is how bad i look that day because of what someone felt the need to message me they messaged me just saw rob beckett in a local park and can confirm the rucksack is truly awful yeah having a go at the backpack yeah good on them in fact his whole attire had a strong tie myself to a goalpost vibe. Oh, wow. Wow.

So that's going on. That is good. I can confirm the rucksack is truly awful. Was the rucksack... I can't even remember why the rucksack was purchased. I thought it was purchased for a particular reason. It was. It was. It was purchased for a holiday, but at the moment, just in use.

It's just in use. I went early. I needed a bag to put all the dog stuff in yeah anyway so that's saturday morning and then i get the dog i take the kids and the dog to the garage because i need to get them some lunch quick and i need to buy stuff for lou to take to the hospital put the dog in the car first time i left the dog in the car sets off the sets off the alarm what barking nearly squeezed out the fucking gap in the window they're so narrow whippets and then i'm i'm shouting at the kids going just get some food and the youngest goes i want cheese and onion get the cheese and onion and she screamed fucking gap in the window. They're so narrow, whippets. And then I'm shouting at the kids going,

just get some food. And the youngest goes, I want cheese and onion. Get the cheese and onion. And she screamed at me in the shop, but I can't read. I went, get the blue packet. Oh, God. So I get them home, right?

So then I get them home. And then I've got to go to... Can I just ask, Rob? Yeah. I'm not judging you in this situation. Yeah. But we are skirting over the fact that you've bought their lunch from a petrol station.

Yeah, to be fair, it was a Marks garage. Oh, okay. So it was sandwiched and crisped. It wasn't like, I wasn't giving them a Ginsters. Right, okay, fine. Big Cornish pasty. They like that garage. It's a treat.

It's a treat lunch. So now I get them all home and then I've got to pack bags, right? I've got to go to Milton Keynes for a gig that night. So what's the plan? Someone looking after the kids. So the plan is they're going around then the grandparents for the night for a sleepover, right?

Yeah. So I've got to pack them a bag. I've got basically they're getting picked up to go to the theater because they had theater tickets at the local theater. See Dino live, right? So I'm packing the bags. I've got to pack up. They need their outfit for the theater. I've got to pack up. They need their outfit for the theatre.

I've got to pack a sleepover bag of all the stuff for a sleepover. And then the next day, my eldest has got a party. I've managed to get a lovely Brian and Rita, took her to the party on the Sunday. But I had to organise that and pack a, because it was a wall climbing party. So I'm packing some clothes for that. And then I have to pack a lure bag for the hospital.

So I've packed all that. And then they get picked up to go to the nun and granddad's and then lovely brian another brian said he'd walk my dog for me but he took the dog for a walk and then i've gone to see lou at the hospital been there for a couple of hours come back he's taking dog for a walk but he i weren't in when he came back so he took the dog home so well i'll bring the dog back to you now this is r4 i'm supposed to be leaving R4 to get to Milton Keynes. Quarter five, he's still not back. Anyway, gets back at five o'clock. I say, thank you very much, Brian. He agrees to walk the dog the next day because I've got to leave early to go into town.

And then he goes off. I go to Milton Keynes, do a gig. I think I had a breakdown on stage, but they seem to laugh. Came back, got in about midnight. Woke up at 7 a.m to feed the dog then i had to clean the house this was an absolute state right and i it was like the worst the house has been for like weeks and me and lou were going to sort it out on the friday but she went into hospital that day so it took me four hours to tidy the house

it was honestly it was and there was a living with pete doherty what's going on It was, honestly, it was... Who are you living with? Pete Doherty? What's going on? I had to clean up all the needles. Four hours. It took four hours, but then luckily, Brian, lovely Brian from Bromley Dog Days, brilliant guy, he helped out.

He doesn't work Sundays normally, but he did it for me as a favour. Took the dog for a walk. I tidied all the house. Then my brother Joe came to sit with the dog all afternoon because Mick had to come last night because I left the dog for like eight hours so i had to get to father in right to come in for the dog so now fucking you can't ever leave the dog on his own well no you can but not for like eight nine hours because it'll piss in its bed because it can't hold it

for because i left at like five o'clock and i weren't getting back till one in the morning yeah it's too long for a dog really and it's in his crate so he came right then my brother came around sat with a dog i got taken up to london i jumped to the cab up to london and did my work and then my mum picked up the girls from the other grandparents at five o'clock brought them back did bedtimes i'm so lucky to have family nearby that can help it would have been impossible i'd have had to cancel work and stuff. And then, oh, this morning was horrible. Oh, no, it's still going. Yeah, so... Sorry, it's just not... No, I just can't believe it.

It's insane. Then I woke up. They woke up at six. And then my parents, they woke my parents up at half five. And then they stayed in bed for a bit. And then I got them up and got them all ready for school. The youngest wants to be independent now, which basically means it takes an hour for her to get dressed

because she does it herself. And you watch her put the buttons in the wrong holes about 15 times you can't say you're doing it wrong i don't want to belittle her but i just need to get a fucking move on she asked for elsa hair oh which was absolutely insane the good thing about hair is if there's no mirror they don't know what you've done so i told her she had elsa hair and off she went she's currently at school getting bullied it's's actually Anna. She's got Anna hair now. So, yeah, but so this was horrible.

So I got them all ready. And then the eldest, she's been getting up really early. And I think she's been a bit more affected by her mum not being there because she sort of knows that she's not feeling well and she's at the hospital. And we're all not like getting upset in front of her or talking about it in front of her, but she's aware that she's not there

and she's been shipped around to different people because her friends parents brian and reed had to take her to this kid's party and bring her back and then she was at a nans and another nans so she flipped out it was awful josh she was like i don't want to go to school and she's never been like this but like i'm talking like you know like the tantrum they did before nursery when i was like two, like crying. She was in the car and her teeth were chattering and going, I don't want to go to school. Like absolutely distraught. And I think she's tired.

She's really emotional. She's missing her mum. She had a lovely weekend and she was, oh, bless her. She was so upset. It was horrible. And I felt so mean. But I think the teacher came and held her hand and another girl, lovely girl, took her hand and took her in. And honestly, I was so upset.

I was like tearing up. But then I didn't want to start getting upset in front of the youngest one who was still in the car, who I forgot to fucking strap in because the other one was getting so upset. I drove her with that fucking seatbelt on. It's only a two-minute drive, but I felt dreadful. And then I strapped her in, drove to the other school and then I get there, drop her off and then I need to ring Lou to tell her she can email, after to email the teacher

to say she went in upset. Yeah. The nursery teacher pulled me to one side and went, can I have a word? I was like, I fucking know what's going on now.

But it was only about some sort of school thing. That's not good enough that else to hear, mate. You can't bring her in looking like that. Yeah, exactly. So she pulls me to one side and she's asking me something and it wasn't nothing important but i was a bit like oh god what's that i mean you're

already anxious and then anyway she goes like uh can you oh i just gotta ask you this blah blah blah she asked me this question and then the school ring for my eldest going just to let you know that she's feeling much better now like this was was in like five, 10 minutes. They're so good to school. They're good at that, aren't they? And they went, she's absolutely fine. She's calmed down fully. She sat with the teacher's assistant doing some reading and she's absolutely fine, just to let you know.

And then I start getting upset because it's relief. So then I just cried in front of the nursery school teacher. Oh my God, Rob. So I'm, and she's asking me about it. You're like, look, I can do that. And I'm like, oh my God, what's really funny is when you get upset in front of someone when it's like not a friend and in a bit of an official capacity they just so don't know what to do it's so sort of semi-awkward and she was like oh don't worry and then i sort of and then i was already getting a bit upset having to tell them that like i'll lose in hospital not very well because you're you're worried and then and then because i was already upset from the phone call

i just i was like mom's a bit old so she might be a bit upset i was like oh my god rob just and anyway so they all went in got the phone call the eldest has calmed down but it has been a fucking nightmare since friday afternoon when does this continue until? What are you doing today? Because we're recording, obviously, and you don't need me to tell you, we've moved this earlier from 10 to 9.30. Yes, because basically I cancelled my haircut on Friday

to take Lou to the hospital, so I've got to go and get my haircut because I'm doing filming tomorrow and I genuinely don't think I can film like this because it would look like they've got a lookalike for a laugh yeah yeah of course because I don't look anything like me

so I've got to go and do that you couldn't give a shit about the people of Milton Keynes the gig went alright to be fair

did they think it was weird that you looked like that did they stop clapping the moment you walked on they thought his support act looks

a lot like him like you know when someone walks into a bar in a western and everyone just stops the piano stops you know in Shaun of the Dead when they see people that look a bit like them you know, when someone walks into a bar in a Western and everyone just stops, the piano stops.

You know, it's Shaun of the Dead when they see people that look a bit like them, you know, they cross paths. It's like that. In a way, that Milton Keynes gig was the only bit of time you got to yourself. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. And that's why something like comedy, I use it as a bit of a supportive crutch in my 20s. You don't ever sit with the emotion

because you're so fully engaged and distracted you think you've dealt with it for that hour and a half it's only when you sit on your own that all the emotions by like this morning i was tired and i felt so emotional because i sort of caged it up a little bit but it was good to let it out but i've got um yes i've got to sort my air out and then you're filming all day tomorrow yeah filming in the morning and then i've got to do this advert thing the filming the advert is for robin romesh the new series of that so I've got to do this advert thing the filming the advert is for Robin Romesh the new series of that so I've got to do that in the afternoon

tomorrow and Lou's not out I think she's out Wednesday so I've got mum and dad here my mum and dad have come up they're staying over and then I think they're doing the pick ups from school

tomorrow because I'm filming and then they're handing over with in-laws because tomorrow night I'm doing a gig at the Royal Albert Hall oh my god which is a nice chilled gig

what's that gig I remember that that's like the Teenage Cancer Trust gig oh yeah so I'm closing and I'm closing so I'm closing

the Royal Albert Hall tomorrow night which has got a lot you know I'm really do you know what I'm really ready for it little tip

don't go on at the Teenage Cancer Trust and say that you're having a bad time okay it's all fucking relative but I'll enjoy that because it'll be a bit of a distraction but it's just it's just absolute logistical nightmare and then like i remember she has her spellings on a monday so i had to do her spellings but yeah no i'm sorry i'm moaning

now like but it's there are people having it a lot worse but it is so stressful when you sort of it all gets tipped upside down of course there's people having a lot worse, but it is so stressful when you sort of, it all gets tips upside down. Of course, there's people having a lot worse, but bloody hell Rob, that is a stressful few days. It's a very, very stressed.

And then the other thing as well, like, I'm going to say it. That's not how people would imagine the life of a man whose weekend is playing a big theater, Milton Keynes, and then appearing on radio too. Do you know what I mean? That's not how they'd imagine that life.

Oh, my. The thing is, when I first started doing comedy... That's not what Ryland's doing this weekend. Surely. Surely to God. Oh, God. When I first started doing comedy, it used to be like, oh, God, what am I going to say when I get to the radio show?

What am I going to say on stage tonight? What funny things will I do? Now, my main concern is just get there. Yeah. Just arrive at the building and then see what happens. But it'll be fine. That's the thing, isn't it? The reality is, the way you deal with difficult situations

is you just focus on that thing you're doing at that time. So at that one moment, I was just getting a whip out of a fence. Exactly. You're just getting a whip out of a fence. What's happening now? You're doing Elsa hair. And I was really good at it. But that threw me this morning with my daughter.

But also as well, it's one thing that I couldn't deal with was that she got antibiotics and steroids prescribed, Lou. And they gave the antibiotics, but the steroids took ages to come. Then it turns out it wasn't put through properly. So she got them a day late, which is at the end of the world. But I was so and it's sort of driven by your ego where I was like, well's in a building that has steroids in that building she needs steroids i'll just go in and get them like some indiana jones but like some steroids like kind of like an athlete that can't i went down have you got have you got roid rage is that what you've got yeah i went i went down my local uh gym and just found some big geezers with spotty backs and tiny cocks. Lads, you got any steroids?

No, but I was like getting so worked up. Well, I'll just go down there and I'll get all in a tizzle. I was like, no, Rob, just all you need to do is just calm down and relax. She's in hospital. They'll be dealing with it. It might be slightly delayed, but that just happens. It'll all be okay. But you sort of put too much pressure on yourself to sort everything out for someone you love.

So it's, yeah, and that's what's a bit of a head fuck but you just have to try and calm down i'm still obviously quite amped up but it's just been a mental weekend basically um but we've been so lucky to all the people that have helped so brian and rita have been brilliant mick and theresa are the parents my mom and dad have been brilliant my brother came around to watch the dog and um brian the dog walker came and saved our skin you sound like you're accepting an oscar at this moment i'm just so thankful because without those people helping it would have been an absolute disaster so we should add that we're recording this one in advance due to our availabilities yes so you decided to do your most stressful period of your life um hence why uh the added edition of mother's day wasn't in that story no mother's

day fuck no mother's day is a couple of days away at the moment i don't know i haven't i haven't organized that i did say i went to the girls yeah so if when you're in school if you get a spare moment when you're not doing lessons if you could ask to do a mother's day card that would really help me i did that with rose's birthday the older Jesus Christ did you do that in nursery yes it's a good technique it is a very good technique so we are we are doing this in advance

so we haven't really done the Mother's Day thing but yes I don't know where we'll be for Mother's Day at this stage but yes so that's been

my weekend do you want to this will cheer you up do you want to hear about my stressful train journey yes please so I was in Swansea on Saturday, Rob.

Oh, how was that? Oh, they lost, didn't they? No. Well, the Welsh rugby team lost, yeah. But I'm not into rugby, so I didn't know there was a rugby match going on, obviously. No, I'm not really into it either. But they lost to Italy, and Italy are shit, aren't they?

Yeah. Yeah, well, so are Wales, according to the sources I've got. So what happened? But I don't think Italy have won for like 36 games in the Six Nations. They want to swap them out with South Africa, I think. Is that right? That's the rumour, yeah. Back in the day, Rob, when it was the Five Nations, it was fine, wasn't it?

But bloody hell. Oh, didn't it used to be called the Five Nations? When I was a kid, it was the Five Nations. Who did they add in then? Italy. That's a fucking waste of time, isn't it? They're dog shit. I think they thought they'd get better by playing in it.

Anyway. I think they wanted a jolly up to Rome. I'm bored of going to Cardiff now, Vince. I'm bored of... Let's go somewhere else. It's not far off from my weekend. So I always try and get the train to the gig because it's a bit of time on your own.

I don't know about you. Yeah, I know what you mean. I get it because it's quicker rather than sitting in the car for like four hours yeah it's it's quicker it's you can walk around everything about it is lovely and relaxing and two words rob on a saturday weekend upgrade yes please 25 of the best beans you've ever spent in your life mate you don't pay it when you're paying the ticket so it doesn't feel like the ticket's gone up in value. It just feels like another little charge.

Bang. Here I am. I've got the full first class to myself. To yourself. Tea on tap, Rob. Three teas have made my money back, more or less. Yep. More or less.

You have, really. It's not far off. Do you get food on a weekend? No booze, is it? You can get food. You can get a slice of fruitcake. What are you looking at that for? Three quid? Bang. Yes, come on. it? You can get food. You can get a slice of fruitcake. What are you looking at that for? Three quid?

Bang. Straight off my 25 quid. Lovely train. I've got a fourer to myself. A fourer and a table? Yeah. All four seats with a table to myself.

So much charging. You could charge so many things. Yeah. The charging sockets aren't working but, you know, you can't have everything. My phone's on edge but who cares?

If my phone dies, my phone dies. Three hours to Swansea on my own. but you know you can't have everything my phone's on edge but who cares if my phone dies my phone dies three hours to swansea on my own do you know what rob i'm doing a bit of writing in my book because i'm a bad neck i'm having to do it freehand right still yeah well i just for safety reasons safety reasons sat there like an old sod with his pen and paper yeah with my little sketchbook doing my writing. A little grandad thumb lick pulling the pages over. Honestly, the train's going so nice that my little pot of ink isn't even spilling anywhere. No, all air-conditioned, the quill's not whipping in the wind.

Lovely. Then we arrive in Cardiff. Send you a photo of my arrival in Cardiff. I'm like, this is a bit odd. There seems to be 400 people on the platform. Is it busy for, what, five o'clock on a Saturday? This is a bit odd. And then, so then, there's all these people stood outside my window.

And then I realised a lot of them were wearing Welsh rugby shirts. And I look out the other window and I can literally see the Millennium Stadium. Oh, no. And I think, oh, fuck. Also, they're big boys, rugby fans, aren't they? Yeah. There's been a rugby match and they have just kicked out. So they're battered.

They are all battered and they're all on this platform. kicked out and they are all battered they are all battered they're all on this platform i've never moved from the fourer to the one or across the alleyway fast in my life oh yes imagine you trapped in the corner by all the big boys yeah can you imagine if i tried to hold my own on a fourer with three rugby fans because even the ones that are in shape are big though it's the of shape rugby boys. I didn't make it across in time, Rob. And they were streaming down the aisle as I was trying to cross forward and back with my belongings. It was like I'm trying to cross a kind of busy river.

Scurrying under a scrum like the ball. Getting kicked. Like Lion King in the stampede. Or Simba. I make it across to the one. And then basically the train won't move for 10 minutes because there's people shouting. like Lion King in the stampede. Or Simba. I make it across to the one-er. Then, basically, the train won't move for ten minutes because there's people shouting. You know, the old,

get, move down, move down. Oh, no. Like Rush Hour on the Victoria Line. Yeah, I'll show you my view, Rob. This is my view. You can put this on the Instagram. So this is my view. So that's a man's arse,

and he's in a Welsh rugby shirt, and that thing he's holding is two foam hands like he's going to watch fucking Gladiators in 1992. And he's got denim shorts on! It was only 12 degrees! Yeah. And so, it's all kicking off. I'm in the corner.

Look how powerful his calves are. Do you know about rugby? Big rugby blokes are put on a bit of timber, they've still got power underneath that layer of fat, haven't they? Yeah, too right. Particularly with eight pints down them as you can see what you can see

bottom right corner of that picture Rob what's that it's my little notebook that I'm still your little notebook making notes about the big boys well I've got to do something

with my life I'm sat there well done for getting to the oneer quick did you manage to move all your bags in that time well yeah it was like 3 trips across

obviously so I've got to cross that was stressful. Because what you don't want to do there is rush and spill something or forget something. It's got to be measured but fast. Yeah, it's like a military operation. I've done that before.

When you rush over and then you've got to lean over someone to pull your backpack off the top. Oh, God, can you imagine? I once got told off by a woman when I left my suitcase in the suitcase luggage rack. She went, is that yours? I went, yeah. She went, but you're not next to it.

I went, I know, yeah. It's in the luggage rack. She went, yeah, but you can't leave it there. I was like, isn't that where it's meant to go? She went, well, no, but someone takes it. I was like, all right, so I need to live in your anxiety world, do I? So you worrying about your own bag's not enough. Now I've got to have that near me

to settle your brain for this journey so like she went all right i'll bring it to you i was like i don't want you to bring it to me so she picked up my suitcase she put it next to me i

was like brilliant i'll just have to move that out the way of everyone now just so she's relaxed yeah i mean that that is the gamble you take basically you are going i'm going to put

my suitcase here and yeah on this train my suitcase was in the luggage rack and i yes obviously i have to have a suitcase here. And on this train, my suitcase was in the luggage rack. Because obviously I have to have a suitcase because of my neck pillow. And I just thought, well, I've written that suitcase off. That's it. But it is what it is, really.

I'll never get there again. That's it. Goodbye, suitcase. So obviously, because they're all getting dropped off at different points along that route to Swansea. They're not all getting off at Swansea, are they? Is it carrying on that train? No, Swansea's the end, thank God. Right, oh, that's better.

Yeah. So, I'm then sat there. Have you ever got the train to Aberystwyth? Oh, mate. Still on it. It's such a long journey. It's such a shitty little rattler one that you'd get like, you know,

like in and out of London. The two carriage rattler. Is there anything worse? The two carriage rattler that gets to Shrewsbury from Birmingham and then reverses all the way to Wales. Oh my God.

So you think you're going forward, you get to Shrewsbury. Is it Shrewsbury? Yeah. And it backs you out. Oh God. Horrible. Oh life.

So I'm on this train. I'm sat there. It's so full. I'm going to say it, Rob. I don't think all of these people have paid their weekend upgrade. No. Why would you to stand in first class? Exactly.

It's basically lawless. Do you not think to say, excuse me, everyone, can I see your first class ticket? Because I've paid to be here, and I think it's unfair that you are in here without paying the £25. So excuse me, everyone, please can you show me your ticket? Is that what you said? Yeah, I did.

Yeah. How did that go? They all left you said? Yeah, I did. Yeah. How did that go? They all left because they were like, it's a fair cut. That's fair enough. He said that. Let's all shuffle down

to standard premium. They got back on the platform. They said, well, we won't be able to go home then. But rules are rules. That happened once on the commuter train from London down to Lewisham.

They had like five first class seats that are slightly bigger on this stupid like in and out train to London down to Lewisham, they had like five first class seats that are slightly bigger on this stupid, like in and out train to London. And I sort of sat there and it was a bit that busy before and a ticket man come and went, can I see your ticket? I went, are you mental? There is no seats anywhere.

No, I'm just going to sit here with the other 30 people. And then he went to someone else, give me a ticket. And everyone went, no. And he just walked off. And then he went to someone else, gave a ticket, and everyone went, no. And he just walked off. Well, this was a similar situation of, like,

the guy with the trolley giving out the teas, I knew he wasn't coming back, I'll tell you that for free. He's locked himself in the toilet, like some sort of, like, the train's been hijacked by terrorists. So then I'm just sat there, and they are pissed pissed and i'm obviously worried that either they're gonna notice the fact that i've got a notebook out but i didn't i didn't want to i couldn't look at my phone because it was on one percent so i couldn't normally in that situation i had my headphones in but i wasn't listening to music obviously but i thought they're

an extra layer i'm kind of facing the corner the window yes like at the end of blair witch project that's me yeah because you don't want to be the sort of nerdy one with a notebook on there anyway never mind a famous bloke off the telly with an english accent yes and an english face knowing nothing about rugby yeah so i get 20 minutes in and uh so far so how long is it to swan? It's probably about an hour from Cardiff. So they stood up for an hour? Yeah, but that's the least of their problems. They've just lost to Italy, Rob,

and they're fucking hammered. Yeah, that shit, Italy is shit. Oh, God. There's a difference with rugby drunk as well. It just all comes out their paws. And they're all talking about how they're going to... their plan for the evening, wherever they're getting off,

because they're all getting off like Neath and then Bridgend and all that. So they're all getting off at these different places, and they're all talking about how they're just going to carry on drinking until they've forgotten the result. Oh, no. That's not good mental health, guys. No.

And then there's one man who says some very disrespectful things about the sex trade, which I won't go into, Rob. Was he going to frequent the sex trade? Yes. And he was going to do it in Swansea because he couldn't afford to do it in Cardiff. What's the pay difference, did he say? I don't think he was low on money

because he'd done first class upgrade. Yeah. But he's talking about that out loud to his friends. Yeah, like a brag. And they're all laughing. And there's kids sat there. No, that is not OK. Yeah, like a brag and they're all laughing and there's kids sat there. No, that is not okay. Yeah, it's not ideal. Oh, so

what is it about rugby that's made you so horny in the first place? Oh God, that's his kink, getting beaten by an Italian. Could you imagine how stressed I am by this point, Rob? Oh God, that is horrible, Josh. And there's kids on the on my old fora, there's a family.

Two older blokes, a dad and a granddad and two kids. How old are the kids? Ah, 12, something like that, probably. Yeah. And this guy, who's the life and soul, starts talking to the kids. Oh, the sex man? Yeah.

He doesn't talk to them about that. He starts to talk to them about rugby. What does he look like? What's his vibe? I'm knocked up, Rob. OK. Just ears, ears wide open. It's like I'm listening to a terrible radio show. He can't scratch

his eye. And then he starts talking to the kids and he hedges into a completely different point of drunkenness, which is kind of trite emotional moment when he's talking about how he almost made it as a rugby player. I thought you were getting too horny.

The problem was I wanted to win, but I loved it when we lost. You just can't fight your body. You can't fight the urges. And he said, do you know who the best player I ever saw was? My dad. I took a drink of water before you said that. Oh, no.

This is a cry for help. Yeah, and then he's talking to the kids and he's going... He's, like, pointing at their dad or, like... Obviously, I can't see this, but he's obviously addressing the fact their dad sat there. And he's like, that man's your hero, you know? Oh. If you can be as good as him.

And their dad's just sat here. Five minutes ago, this guy was talking about the differing price of the sex trade across the Welsh South Coast. Anyway, then he spots that I'm writing in a book. No. And he goes, what are you writing there? And I'm like, oh, fuck.

But I didn't know what to do. I had three options, Rob. I can't look at my phone. Yep. I've got my notebook. Yep. And I've also got a book which is about Vladimir Putin

called Putin's People. Oh, you don't want to be reading that. You don't want to be reading that. It's anti, just to be very clear. You know what? He's got a good angle

on this old vat. So could you have pretended to be asleep? Well, I don't know. It's hard. That's hard to long out. In that situation, there's always, even though you're not looking, you want to keep well i don't know it's hard that's hard to long out in that situation it's almost even though you're not looking you want to keep alert don't you you want to keep your eyes open yes true yeah in case they start like putting your balls on your head

yeah exactly yeah exactly yeah you're right you're right to stay awake so then he i'm like he's like oh you're writing i'm like yeah Rob. Yeah. He ruffled my hair. Like a dog. Like a dog. Like a small dog. You have got lovely hair. But he didn't even ask. He just went in.

He ruffled my hair. So what did you say about what you was reading? Did you ask? He didn't ask what I was writing. He was like, oh, you're writing. And I was like, yeah. And luckily, then he kind of was like I crossed a bit out and he went oh you didn't like that bit

did you and I thought that's a bit of bad nice good yeah that's fine that's solid stuff yeah that's good but do you know what mate

I'm coming round to it then he ruffled my hair and then he thankfully got distracted he moved on but he didn't recognise you he didn't recognise me thank god

did that hurt a bit though well he didn't recognise me yeah I don't know if I'm his demo because also it got in through my head. It's like, fuck, I'm doing a tour show in Swansea tonight. Is this going to be an absolute shitstorm? Because they're all going to be mad pissed.

Because they're all going to have been drinking since 2pm. Well, they'll all be, you know, the brothels will be full, but the gig will be empty. Bad night for you, great night for sex workers. People are coming to watch me in Swansea because they can't afford to see a comic in Cardiff, that kind of stuff. Oh, God, that was a lucky escape then.

So eventually I get off, the train pulls into Swansea, get off, a guy comes up to me and went, oh, they didn't recognise you. I'm like, all right, mate, come on. Come on now. And then I'm like like I'm through it here and you're not going to believe it Swansea City football team

had lost at home and they're all coming in the other end of the station so they're coming towards me what do they do roll you over and tickle your belly suddenly you realise

how nice the rugby fans are when you see the football fans. And they're emotional. They're big soft bears. Yeah, do you know what? They're a different class of fan because these guys are surrounded by police and they are really angry.

By this point, my phone's died, Rob. Oh, no. And so I'm being picked up by my tour manager at the station. I've got no idea where he is my phone's dead I'm like oh my god what am I going to do get out the front of the station suddenly everyone's recognising me as I'm walking around looking completely lost and I'm thinking I'm just going to have to

walk to the theatre I'm going to have to ask someone where the theatre is and they're going to know oh my god eventually tour manager's there thank god he finds me and I kind of scramble into the car. Oh, Josh. Actually, I think you've made me feel better. I think my weekend was better.

Has that made you feel better? Yeah. The ruffling in the hair is so degraded. These big, rough hands. Yeah, exactly. He didn't even ruffle the hair of the 12-year-old child, Rob. Oh, he's your hero, your dad. He's your hero.

Oh, no. There's a lot going on in people's heads, isn't there? Yeah, there is a lot going on. Life's hard. Life is hard. I should say, Rob, are you all right? Yeah, I am all right, to be honest. Do you know what?

It's good, actually, because a couple of years ago, this was really spanning me sideways, but I've been quite good. I flirped out a little bit when Lou wasn't getting the right medicine, but that's all been sorted now. And, yeah, I feel a lot better. Good. Because I'm trying to be quite zen with stuff and not get worked up, but then you are also allowed to be upset.

Seeing your daughter be upset about going into school is upsetting, so you should allow yourself to experience that emotion and not go that's just fine she's got to get on with it i'm allowed to feel sad at that moment but i think it was the best decision because if i took her home i think it would have because it was basically just anxiety i think where she's tired and stressed and she's anxious about going in so the best thing is sometimes just to sort of to do it because she went in happily she wouldn't drag her in she was holding the hands of a friend and the teacher um but you know if she experiences things like me sometimes once like once she's in it she's much better so i'm glad i did it even though it was difficult but then as you're driving off you don't you don't know if you've done the

right thing or not but i think i have and the teacher's called straight away but yeah no i'm all good thanks for asking though but i'm all good yeah be fine we'll get there be fine rob it will be fine it'll be fine should we just go to the small business shout out and should we do the emails and stuff on friday yeah let's do small business shout out and then um oh that's it let's do a boomer school in it won't make me feel better about my my morning oh yeah do a boomer school here we go hi i love the show i went to balding school in year six primary age that's about what's that's about 10, isn't it? 10 or 11? After a week or so, all I wanted to do was go home and was inconsolable. Not the best one to pick here, Rob.

Being in the late 90s, there was one phone to call home in the boarding house. I would be in tears wanting to go home. My parents were going to come and get me due to me being so upset. I was told by the staff in the boarding school house not to call my parents anymore as they didn't want me to phone them and I wasn't allowed to use the phone.

My parents were told I was absolutely fine and having a blast, therefore too busy to call. Oh my God. It was about 10 years later I found out the truth whilst speaking to my parents.

Absolute psychos at that school. Cruel to be kind, I guess, but very harsh. No. The school was closed down three years later by Ofsted. Oh my God. Thanks, Jenny from Cornwall. Oh my that's that's made me feel worse josh let me find another one now i'm questioning if the school have lied oh god that is brutal this is stressful this is

stressful right um that was a bad one to uh grad just do a grad just get off this yeah here we go hello rob and josh love the podcast it keeps me going on my journey to work thought i'd drop you Right, that was a bad one too. Garage, let's do a garage. Let's get off this. Here we go. Hello, Rob and Josh. Love the podcast. It keeps me going on my journey to work. Thought I'd drop you a message about my mum's longstanding garage. About four years ago, my mum and dad went to Prague on holiday.

They visited a few museums and learned that the brand Hugo Boss designed the Nazi uniform during World War II. Since then, my mum has had a vendetta against Hugo Boss. She won't buy anything from them and tells everyone who'll listen about this fact. What makes this funny is I'm pretty sure she has never brought anything from Hugo Boss

ever in the first place. But she goes on about it. She does her weekly shop there. That's Emma from Suffolk. It is quite good to make a stand on something you hate. Do you know what I mean? Like when you've never done it. No, actually, I'm not going to do that.

You know? Yeah. I've not smoked now, Josh, for 36 years. Going strong. Right, shall we do, let's do some small bits of shout outs. Here we go.

Rob? Yeah? Once again, I'm going to just try and mention that we are doing live shows. Oh, yeah. We are doing live shows. Come and see us next April.

We're doing Cardiff, Rob. Oh, yeah, we are doing Cardiff. We are doing Cardiff. Come and see us next April. We're doing Cardiff, Rob. Oh, yeah, we are doing Cardiff. We are doing Cardiff. Maybe the sad man will be there. Can't we move it to Swansea, save a bit of money on the tour expenses? It's a great Mother's Day present. Oh, Mother's Day's just gone.

Mother's Day just gone. Did you miss Mother's Day? Yes, did you? You can buy one now. Why didn't you buy one for Mother's Day? It's late. Go, here's the surprise, the big surprise.

It's Tuesday afterwards and I've got you these. Wow, what a lovely surprise. What a lovely surprise. Let's do small business shout outs. Let's stop pumping our shit, Josh. Hi, Rob and Josh. I discovered your podcast

in October by chance and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for keeping me laughing. I started at episode one and I'm glad I did, because there's been so many times Rob said, if you can't be arsed to fucking listen from the start, I'm not explaining the reference or words to that effect. I don't think that's a great policy from us, Josh, do you?

Should there be some effort to explain what's going on? Yeah, I think there's some policies we should change, but, you know. It's hardly the wire, though, is it? It's just two fucking blokes moaning. Yeah, I think everything we said today was very clear what had happened. Yeah, I don't think you need the backstory to know what's going on. There was about 16 different pairs of couples that were helping you out. I did lose track of that.

That was quite confusing. That was a bit much. Anyway, fast forward to February this year. I spoke to my sister about work, and she's utterly depressed doing her job. So I suggested we do something together. I gave up my job in May 2017 to have our son, Seth, and had an almost identical birth experience to Harriet Kemsley. It wasn't ideal. We decided to start natural dogs treats business online and it's been tough so far.

We offer excellent service and the people such dogs have tried us love our products and services. We're struggling to get our names out there. Please, can you guys help? We're based in Clown, Clown with an E on the end, in North East Derbyshire, and we are called Nell & Lola Natural Dog Treats, and we can be found at nellandlola.com. We're offering a 15% discount to all new customers using the code NEW15. That's N-E-W in capitals,

one, five, at the checkout. Thanks, Steph. Go for it, Nell and Lola enjoy people do you want to hear the flavours give me the flavours beef Achilles tendon Jesus Christ fucking hell it's the animal lecters

tasting menu cow ears with hair fucking hell what's going on? Fucking hell, Lola. I don't understand. Are you making these up? On my life, mate. Dried sprats, duck feet.

Fucking hell. Duck feet? Beef spleen. Beef tails. Dogs are fucking animals, aren't they? Beef tails. Beef tails. That's a cow.

Don't soften it. Camel skins. Fucking hell. I hope you're not a cow. Don't soften it. Camel skins. Fucking hell. I hope you're not a vegan listening. Do you know what? Shall we level it up? Go. Hey, lads.

New listener here. I don't have kids, so loving life. Think you're both hilarious. I thought I'd try you out. Would really appreciate a small business shout out. We are a vegan paint company. Oh, vegan paint. Perfect for any wall.

Low VOC and eco-friendly. I think our colours are fantastic and it's all made in the UK. We are at Victory Colours or www.victorycolours.co.uk. Thank you, Catherine. Wow. Two very different sides

of the animal spectrum there. Right. We'll be back on Friday with a guest. See you then. Bye.