Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP27: The One Where Josh Google's himself...

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

S04 EP27: The One Where Josh Google's himself... More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh... Enjoy. Rate and Review. BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth. ⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents) ⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail] What's it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)? And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick? Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike. Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBook If you want to get in touch with the show here's how: EMAIL: [e-mail] TWITTER: @parenting_hell INSTAGRAM: @parentinghell MAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production  Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Nate, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Wigglyworm. A bit disrespectful. A bit disrespectful. Wigglyworm, was it?

Well, it felt like Wigglybum at one point, didn't it? Shall we have it again? And can you say Josh Whittacombe? Josh Wiggly Worm, was it? Well, it felt like Wiggly Bum at one point, didn't it? Shall we have it again? And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Wiggly Worm. Wiggly Worm. My daughter's doing a sponsored wiggle. I'll talk about that in a minute. You what? Your daughter's doing a sponsored

wiggle? Yeah, I'll talk about that, mate. Don't you worry. There's a recording of my son Nate, who's nearly four. He was fairly late to speak, and to encourage him, I would walk around the supermarket saying every single item I put in my trolley, Tim, which he would never respond. One day, whilst doing the usual, he just paused for a moment at the top of his lungs, shouted Rob Beckett.

He also finds Josh's surname rather amusing. Cannot believe he isn't Josh Gad, voice of Olaf in Frozen. So whenever he hears Olaf's voice, he proclaims it to be Josh Wigglyworm. Absolutely love the podcast. Been an avid listener since the start it's kept me laughing through the pandemic

Katie who is 424 months Nate 46 months and Grayson 6 months from North London 442 months is that? 424 months yep 424 months how old's that? about 36?

about I don't know 12 months yeah 424 divided by 12 is that how it 36? I don't know. 12 months. Was that 424 divided by 12? Is that how it works? That's how it works. That's how it works. 35 and 3 months. There we go. A bit 35-ish. That was pretty good maths by me, wasn't it?

Very good, Rob. Very good. It's almost like I pretended to be bad at it on Countdown to get rebooked. But let's not get bogged down by that. No, let's not get bogged down by the intricacies of how panel shows work. No, I want you to be average on it, Rob. Go and be bad. I'm good at the maths, but I'm so shit at the words. I've never got over a five.

Well, that's the problem, isn't it? What's the point of just being boringly average at it? You might as well just really go for it. Oh, is that a baby in the background? I think it probably is, yes. Yes is oh my sponsored wiggle my child uh who's in a preschool nursery goes to proper school next year they're doing a sponsored wiggle so when she needs to get sponsorship because she's gonna be dancing and wiggling at school for a bit how much is sponsoring her well um if she gets over 100 pounds sponsorship, she gets a wooden plaque and a cuddly toy after she does a wiggle and a lollipop.

And look, I'm all for charity, but I don't think wiggling's enough. Go for a fucking walk with them. Yeah. And do you know what? I know they're listening to this and I don't care. How long's she wiggling for? Well, I don't know.

I mean, to be sponsored that much money, I'd reckon 10 hours minimum. Yeah, 100. Yeah, she got me doing like a sophie ellis baxter style long form challenge a dance-a-thon do you want me to tell you the worst thing that happened to me rob while you were away yeah go on okay i'd forgotten about it and i looked at my i looked at my um my list of things that have happened to me that i've noted down okay go on so i went to pick up a package so i bought rose a piece of art for her birthday it wasn't ready but then i had to go and pick it up from a um where the studio is in hackney what was it the brooklyn bridge from ikea they just had to print another one off

is that do you know one of the tennis players scratching her ass that's a good one isn't it because it's like it's like oh this is a trendy, but there's also a bum on it. No, it's beers of the world. But, no, so I had to go and pick it up from, so the studio was part of a kind of block of studios with a reception. And they said, well, leave it behind reception, right? So I turn up at reception, I drive to it, get there. There's a big tube with a piece of art behind the reception for

me josh riddickham and this guy he's he's no no knowledge of uh of this being there he finds it and he's like okay cool have you got any id okay sure i think that's something that's good of him yeah i think it's the right thing to do i'm like i haven't got any id fair enough yet he's like i've got your wallet i'm like well no because I've got Apple Pay on my phone, so I always forget to take my wallet out these days. That's so modern. And he's like, well, I can't give you the art then. So then, what did I do, Rob?

Oh, no, you go Google. I said, I'll have to just Google myself. And he was like, what? Oh, whoa. Okay, this is... I said, I can Google myself to show you who I am. I get why you've done this, but I'm not comfortable with it. No, I'm not comfortable with it,

but the other option was leaving without the heart. Okay, so talk me through the Google. Could I ask a couple of questions? Yeah. Did you just Google your name? Yeah. Did you pick the photo or did you pick... No, I showed him the full Google image search.

Right, fair enough. I put the words Josh Willicam into Google. Bit of a problem in that there was a very bad phone coverage, so I had to actually walk outside to do the Google and then walk back in. Oh, that looks more suspicious. What, like I've screen grabbed a home screen of Google and then Photoshopped it so that I am Josh Willicam?

Yes. It was mortifying, Rob. I never thought my life would come to that point so what did he say he didn't quite understand what was going on but as soon as i showed him the google screen he was fine with it right okay so when you because when you google that you've got a lot of pictures so you come up so and it worked yeah it did work but it was it was a low moment in my life rob do you know what I mean like has it come to this

that I'm google image searching me just to show it to a man who works on reception sorry I'm stuck on your google searches you've got you've got about

nine different fucking faces the stages of Josh when you first broke through you look about 57 the first one of you you look so old put these on the group as you go through them the first one of you you look so old and then he's on the group i'm gonna put these the different stages of josh right i'm gonna put this in the group i'm gonna send this one to it we'll put all of these up in one post and there's one of you you look like you look really old

it looks like it's 1993 and you're 52 yeah right you look old i do look old there do you know how old i was there rob how old i would have been you? I do look old there. Do you know how old I was there, Rob? How old? I would have been 25. This one, you look sexy as fuck, like you are some sort of built surfboarder. Yeah, I don't know if I do, Rob. I think you look great there. And then this one, you actually... This is the one why they always ask,

are you disabled on the last leg? Right, when was that even taken? Look at you. I've got no memory of that. No memory whatsoever. But you look really fit in that middle one. I don't think I do. I think you look really...

That little bit of stubble suits you. No, I don't know about that. Can you do a full beard? No, of course I can't, Rob. Otherwise I'd have done it, wouldn't I? It's a terrible time to... Everyone's got a fucking beard except me these days because I've got a scone.

This one looks like, if you were a young gay man, that would have been your Grindr profile. And now this one, this is housewife's... This is when you present country foul and you're going to be housewife's choice. Josh Widdicombe. Oh, my God, look at that one. What the hell is that?

You can do sexy if you want. Do you know that? Unbelievably, you got it in a locker. Against all odds. I don't know how. Because then you can do sexy, but then you can also look like a turtle. Do you know what the worst thing is?

This is the exact same conversation I had with the security guy. He went through all the pictures and had the exact same... I was like, just give me my art, mate, and let me go and had the exact same... I was like, just give me my art, mate, and let me go. And he's talking, he's like, here's another one.

Oh, you look a bit funny in this one. Sorry, I'll stop doing that. You can do it to me another time. My Google research. I'll look forward to that. Oh, so that happened to me. Oh dear. So that is quite embarrassing. Yeah. So what else happened to me? I had to get a passport for our baby.

Oh, God. Is that the one where they put a blanket over your head and you hold the baby? How do you do it? No, I'm not being ushered out of a courtroom. Like, no, so the way they did it, I went to Snappy Snaps. Yeah.

And basically, we had to kind of sit him down and then I just have to kind of hold him, but I need to kind of be out of the picture. Right, okay, fair enough. But I think there's a way where you, so you just hold him up to the side. Rob, he looks absolutely livid. He was crying.

He looks so angry. I think I've got the photos. The funny thing is, though, they have to use that photo until they're about four. Yeah. He looks so furious. So my youngest is four and a half now, and she flew to America on a passport photo of her at six months old. No, two months old, because we went on holiday when she was two months old.

He is so angry. Oh, my God. He's livid, isn't he? He's got long hair, isn't he? He's fucking livid, yeah. He's got a kind of quite Hitler haircut these days. He is quite Hitler, hasn't he? He's fucking livid, yeah. He's got a kind of quite Hitler haircut these days. He is quite Hitler, isn't he? But fair, fair Hitler.

In the colour of hair, not his sort of attitude. Yeah, not as in Hitler. He was very unfair. I thought that was the thing with Hitler. He was quite unfair, wasn't he? Very unfair, man. The Fuhrer. Didn't have a good sense of fair play, did he?

Yeah, unfair, yeah. Because you're going to holiday soon aren't you you're going to um abroad yeah we had to apply for the passport so you go soon have you had it back yet so i just got the text because it's been a tense week i better check my fucking passports actually rose had to go and do the the seven day passport where you go to the place in victoria she went last week and you're going to get it back in seven days yeah and then uh she gets there goes in does the passport and then we haven't filled in the address of the work of the referee you know the person who's seen the photo oh no and they're like you can't do this so the referee's

supposed to have filled it in yeah so you can't even quickly fill it in because it's that's against the rules even though you know where they live and then they're like yeah get the address so we have to get the dress and they were like you've got to fill it in in a separate section and they were like i'll just see whether they accept that oh no who are they you're at the passport place who are they i know exactly you know they they know they they're in the same building as they find they well find they where are they who are they find they now you know they so oh man it was stressful in your head you're going well this isn't going to work this isn't going to happen yeah i've literally just got a text three minutes ago uh from the passport people saying you should receive your new passport

within a few working days we'll send your supporting documents separately thank god for that it's gone through yeah but what i'd say about that is you haven't got a fixed date i was expecting it's ready now yeah no no a few working days but they said they get a trust within seven days so so they've accepted they have accepted it they have accepted it and they have said it's coming in seven days and you're going on holiday within seven days no we're going on holiday in 10 days. No, we're going on holiday in 10, 12 days. Okay, you should be fine. We should be fine. Yeah. Unless it gets lost in the post.

So that was very stressful. That is stressful, isn't it? Very stressful. If I'm honest with you, I'm still stressed. I'm not happy until it's in my hand. Are you not?

What if they spell something wrong? Well, I don't give a shit. Well, no, they won't accept it. We'll just leave them here. Well, they won't accept it on the plane and then you've got no time to get into it.

Don't do this. You're just trying to wind me up. I'm not trying to wind you up. i'm just saying that i would still be stressed until i've seen that with all the right names on it yeah okay okay okay fine because also you know because you haven't she hasn't changed her name yet as she rose so that's going to be complicated it'll be harder right let's not come on now come on now there's no need for this checking in you could say oh look that's what then but who's Hanson? Well, they'd say, they were the band that did Umbop in the late 90s. I'm sure you'll be fine, but, you know,

maybe you're just more relaxed than me. Who knows? You've got small children there. It's cool. Cool. How are you feeling about going on holiday? I'm excited. Because this is your first holiday with two kids

and your boy's, what, nine months? No, he will turn one on holiday. Turn one, is he walking? He's standing. So he's got this weird thing, Rob. You know most kids stand by holding on to something? Yep. He just kind of rises up from a sitting position.

Like his core must be out of this world. Unbelievable core on the boy. Yeah. Livid but strong core. I couldn't do it. He just rises up to standing. Like cross-legged? Yeah, from cross-legged up to standing

and then back down. That is good. So what have you got for the pool? Because it's a summer holiday, kind of like beachy holiday. Yeah. What have you got for the two kids swimming-wise? Because that's where they're going to be spending

most of their time. Well, my daughter's been doing swimming lessons have you got those puddle jumper things what a puddle jumper things that thing i've told you about you need to get them for a holiday judge i don't listen to you i know but you they're better in armbands get some puddle jumpers honestly mate because what if you don't she'll be all right in the the small pool but when she was going to deep pool you're gonna have to hold her for the whole time where if she's got them on she'll it will support our weight and she can just swim about with you okay right so you need to get them yeah i'll find i'll find a link and i'll send it to you and then also on top of that you want to get have you got the an inflatable for the baby

no i haven't got anything rob i haven't done any crap fucking amateurs okay you need to get this the baby float thing because then the baby can float in there and it has a shade over it and because he's standing i want to be kicking he's just going to go mad by the pool but if you leave him in the pool you can bob around with him in the pool okay see and send me that as well okay it's an absolute joke it won't your pa baby float could you also sort out my passport that was the other thing with the passport rob oh yeah go on well what would you mean the other thing you haven't got it yet. You look at the professions of people that can sign your passport.

You're like, I haven't got any friends that have got normal jobs. None of my friends. No, none of my friends are in recognisable jobs. None of them count. They all work in stupid jobs

in East London that don't count. You can't go, oh, they're a graphic designer. That's not an option, apparently. Or like TV producer. These aren't options. So who did you find to do it? Oh, we've got friends as a midwife. Sorted.

Right, OK, fair enough. But you're just like, fuck, I've just realised all of my friends have got jobs that the government doesn't respect. Is there a kids club? You're not going to go to a kids club? What's your thoughts on kids club? Yeah, I don't know how I... So when we went on holiday when she was one, she went to the kids club a lot. And it didn't make any difference because she didn't really realise, you know, that was fine.

But I think I'd feel a bit guilty now, just sending her to the kids club. Because it's not like she's got a sibling. you know what i mean yeah well no that's the difference though because it's a balance isn't it because if she doesn't if she hasn't got a brother so young still she's not really got anyone else to play with so she might get a bit bored around the pool with you as much as you can play if you're not another kid so she could make friends around the pool or she might enjoy the kids club because there'll be loads of other kids in there so i think basically let her lead it are you establishing so far rob that i'm not the person that's organized this holiday and i don't have many details at my fingertips as to how it's going to go you've got you don't know anything do you i don't know anything at all it's really weird

though what i find is how on holiday certain things do just fall into sort of slight gender roles just naturally you know like old school gender roles is and i don't know what it is but dad's always end up in the pool with the kids but i'm a very i'm a very weak swimmer rob i'm a very weak swimmer these um don't worry these armbands go up to 30 kilograms you'll be all right get a pair for you but yeah so but if you get those two floats you're going to be in the water the whole time. That'll be massive help. Okay. All right, I'll do it.

I haven't thought about stuff like this. As a man who's just come back off holiday with children in swimming pools, just saying. Yeah. And I was away with a nine-month-old and a four-year-old and a seven-year-old. Fair enough. Just saying. I buy all these things. At one point on that holiday, I was in the pool with all of them and there was no other adults.

Where were the other adults? Well, Lou basically have a couple lou and jess went to target shopping and then they left me and steve with all four kids which i still to this day think that was unacceptable and the nine month old should have gone shopping just easy could have been pushed around in the buggy the shops yeah do you know what i mean but but and then and then so we was at the pool and then steve had to go to toilet and he went off so at one point i had a nine month old and a little floaty thing and a seven year old a six year old and a four year old all in the pool my eyes have never moved so fast in my life because they're all darting about and and the problem is now my six year old doesn't want to wants to swim without these puddle jumpers on and she sort of can but't quite. So you need to make that plunge of like taking them off her.

So she's not constantly in puddle jumpers, but it is less safe. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, you are on it the whole time, but, but yeah,

that was quite stressful, but you know, I'm just saying armbands, armbands and floats are your friend. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. We've had enough on. And what else happened?

Sorry, Josh, I'll cut you off. My son, he got tonsillitis. That's been fun. Bank holiday Monday at old Homerton Hospital again. Old Homer, home dog.

You do go to hospital a lot with kids, don't you? Not you, in general. One does. I still can't believe my daughter swallowed a penny and I was metal detecting her for three weeks. It's a tough old life, Rob. It's a tough old life. We got 10 days of antibiotics

10 days four times a day and it tastes awful oh that why why do that just stick some sugar in it melt down a haribo come on it's and every every time we have it rose will turn to me and go i don't know why it tastes so bad and And I need, I just want to go, mate, we've had this discussion. We know. We've discussed that this is a bad idea, but we're stuck in it now. I'm bringing it up.

Won't change it. He hates it. He's learned to spit it out. He spat it, Rob, into his own eye. How? He was lying back. He spat it out like a fountain and it came back down into his own eye. Well, at least it got in his own eye. How? He was lying back. He spat it out like a fountain and it came back down into his own eye.

Well, at least it got in his blood system. Got it in him somehow. Honestly, mate, it's so stressful. I don't know why babies forgive you when you do this kind of stuff. If someone did that to me once, I would never trust them again. We're doing it to him four times a day. Within 20 seconds, he likes us again. You're like, like mate it's like stockholm syndrome it's so weird um but is he feeling better now yeah but you're still on the antibiotics that's the worst bit when he's fine

but you're still on the fucking antibiotics course it's still going finish the full course i never understand that i never i don't know i don't know. I don't understand. You must have more drugs. Why would you need to? Someone probably knows. It's probably quite a boring and complex answer, but just do what the doctor says. I'm sure they've thought it through. I had my birthday. Oh, yes. Happy birthday.

We couldn't make it. Did you cancel it in the end? I did cancel it in the end. Yeah. 39. Oh, the big one next year. You've got to do... What are you doing for your 40th? I've got no idea, but I have checked, and it is on Easter Saturday. That could be a big weekend.

It couldn't have fallen better in that sense, could it? You've got... That's a great birthday, Easter time, I think. Because it's a four-day weekend, and no one really gives a shit about Easter. I nailed Easter this year, by the way, Rob. Did you? What happened? Absolutely nailed it. I did an Easter egg hunt yeah and i drew the clues so each egg would then

be accompanied by a drawing of somewhere else in the house right and she loved it it was magical rob she thought the easter bunny had done the drawings because normally an easter egg hunt is just like all bets are off hope for the best off you go in it yeah but you were you were directing her yeah it was here's a drawing of the shower there's a drawing of a rocking horse there's a drawing of a pizza oven not that was my worst so you when she found one with that egg was a picture of the next one yeah absolutely some of the best parenting i've ever done really and did you put much effort into the drawing or is it just a quick sort of sketch some of the drawings yeah see some of the drawings parenting I've ever done. Really? And did you put much effort into the drawing or was it just a quick sort of sketch? Do you want to see some of the drawings?

Yeah. Do you want to see some of the drawings? I surprised myself. She said, not my words, the words of my daughter, that the Easter bunny is good at drawing. What do you think about that? I think that's a compliment, but is she saying an Easter bunny is good at drawing for a rabbit?

Wow. Have a look at the drawings, Rob. Yeah, they are solid, to be fair. They're good. The guitar, the shower yeah the the vase very small daffodils in the vase it's spring they're just spring spring up yeah i like that i like the door i like the r what's the r that's like a kind of a light up r ornament that rose has right the name's rose yep and uh the p i think you got a bit you got a little bit in trouble with the pizza oven. The pizza oven.

I was out of my depth with the pizza oven, Rob. Yeah, that's a lot of angles. And what's it called? Like the perspective. I've forgotten the chimney and I've forgotten two of the legs. Yeah, you forgot that. But also it doesn't work as sort of a structure, does it? Because it's sort of like there's no bottom of the pizza oven.

Yeah, I've really fucked up the pizza oven, yeah. It looks a bit like Goofy wearing a baseball cap with no face face he's got his long black ears and then a baseball cap on him we'll pop it on the instagram but i was quite pleased with that yeah we'll pop that i think that's a really good idea actually and then we had a roast and i'm gonna say it i think roasts are overrated really the amount of effort before and after for a meal that lasts about 20 minutes it's just do you know what unbelievable no i let's see i did a roast when i came back from holiday with jet lag and it's amazing no i love it it's about it's it's about you can't that's why you do a roast on a sunday you've got the time. You can't rush it. You haven't got the time. You've got two kids.

So one person gets to do the roast. The other person's two on one with the kids. I think you look after your kids too much. Just let them get on with it. He's one. Stick him in a fucking bouncer. He's obsessed with going up the stairs. It's so...

All he wants to do is go up the stairs. You've got a stair gate. You just have to follow him. Like poised, ready for him to fall down the stairs. You've got a stair gate. You just have to follow him, like kind of with your, like poised, ready for him to fall down the stairs. Just shut the stair gate? Yeah, well, of course,

I haven't got around to getting the stair gate up yet, Rob. He's one! You haven't thought it was five or something, have you? Yeah, well, we took them down. Why? Because she didn't need the stair gate as of about three years ago, so we took them down.

Can I say something here? Now we need them again. So have you took the bracket down as well or just the whole lot? I don't know. Rose's dad did it. Is there a plastic or wooden thing on the wall that you could slot another stair gate in? No, no, no, no. So that's come off as well.

That's madness. You're always going to want more kids. I get take the gate off. The problem is your house is so pretty. You can't. A stair gate does make it look ugly. When your house is so well designed like yours and like interior design. The stair gate stands out.

It does. And I said, Rose has gone, Dad, get rid of that. It's ugly. But now you're in a position of chasing the baby up the stairs. And I think, can I say what I think? You're too scared to tell Rose you need the stair gate again because it ruins your step. No, no, she says we need the stair gate.

No, she says we need the stair gate. That's fine then. I was wrong. You just haven't got round to ringing her dad. But you can't ring a man to put a stair gate on he removed. And I imagine put on in the first place. And he put on originally. Yeah, yeah, of course he put it on originally.

We got rid of the stair gates, but the stair gate connectors are still on the stairs. So we re-put the stair gate back on recently to stop the dog going upstairs. What, you've got the stair gate connectors are still on the stairs so we re-put the stair gate back on recently to stop the dog going upstairs what you've got a stair gate for a dog no it's the stair gates for the kids but it is now for the dog because it stops the dog going i didn't get a stair gate for the dog but the bouncer what about the door bounce does he like the bouncer no he's way beyond the bouncer just gave it away absolute feeling of glory gave away the bouncer and he's just not into bouncing rob really wants to explore he's at an exploring stage right okay that is annoying isn't it yeah

has it wasn't about your knickknacks how your knickknacks getting on with him sort of exploring my knickknacks are fine there's no yeah yeah because he's not tall enough for there to be knickknack issues yet right or maybe that they're just so used to the knickknacks that don't get touched they just don't go near him it's just sort of well we'll see i don't want i don't want to claim that yet because i feel like that will come back and bite me on the arse in two years time does your does your daughter play with the knickknacks now is that sort of like tea set stuff or because it's quite pretty stuff no she's got her own stuff she's got my kids would want to play with all that yeah no i think she's i think she you know when something's in your house you find it quite boring do you know what i mean yeah fair enough

so i have my birthday rob oh yes sorry the actual day of my birthday yeah it's quite stressful what so what happened on your birthday what day of the week was it well it was a it was a friday friday okay so your daughter's in nursery no she had the day off because she was so excited about my birthday. Fair enough. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. So, you've gone to bed. What time do you go to bed?

10 p.m., probably. 10 p.m., that's fine. Very excited. So, tell me, you wake up and Rose isn't working or anything. She's off all day. No. To just sort of... And, Rob, good news.

Little treat for ourselves. Child care on the birthday. So so we can go out with just our daughter for lunch right okay so you don't have the baby at lunch so you can just have a night yeah fair enough you don't have to rush back for naps and all that kind of stuff yeah she gets ill in the morning so he's back in the game okay so yeah okay so you've got a babysitter for the day so you could go out for the day but yeah okay fair enough so you've got the baby with you now fair enough that should be fine though really you know it might be not as relaxing as it would have been but it wasn't as relaxing as as i'd imagined the day would be if you know

she's unwell where are you going for lunch we went to uh an italian restaurant which was very pleasant any presents you get what presents did you get what presents did i get yeah um do you know what i I got a That old Plymouth Argyle shirt That I asked Rose to get me Nice For eBay Which I was very pleased with

We're going to go on a Nice Have you ever got the Pullman carriage, Rob? No, what's the Pullman carriage? A train? Yeah, so we're going to We're going to Cornwall for a couple of days Just for a little break

Oh, that's nice So we've got that So that's good Oh, the Pullman train Is it fancy? Yeah, little break. Oh, that's nice. So we've got that. So that's good. Oh, the Pullman train. Is it fancy? Yeah, it's like... Oh, it looks lovely. It's a fine dining on a train. So I'm looking forward to that.

Oh, that looks nice. Yeah, that is good, isn't it, Rob? And you stay over or is it just literally just a journey down and nice dinner? It's not like overnight train. We're going down.

We're going to get an Airbnb for a couple of days. Oh, yeah. Okay, so you just go down. It takes a few hours but you get like... Oh, it does look fancy. Look at their white jackets on it. Yeah, look at that. Look at days. Oh, yeah. Okay, so you just go down. It takes a few hours. But, oh, you get like, oh, it does look fancy. Look at their white jackets on there.

Yeah, look at that. Look at that. Look at their white jackets. I think I'd hate everyone else on there. Yeah, of course you would, Rob. I think that's the danger of it, isn't it? Go, this looks nice. And you realise that all the other fucking smug pricks.

Oh, look at us on a nice train. But obviously, that's my people. Yeah. That's my people. Quite difficult also on the Pullman carriage because there's lovely views out the window but everyone's got such a stiff neck none of them can look out the window yeah of course what are you gonna wear they're all wearing suits and dresses you're gonna wear a suit

no yeah everyone's got a fucking suit on no i'll just no i know that's just for the photo shoot mate it looks like going to the ritz i think there might be a dress code no there's not a dress code. It's a train. Well, no. It's a train. No, it's a fancy train. Oh, please avoid casual clothing, including denim, trainers, baseball caps, collarless T-shirts and shorts. What? We reserve the right. We reserve.

Does it say trainers? Yeah. You're going to have your shoes on. I'm not going to wear shoes You little fucking nerd In his six form clothes for the train We reserve the right to ask guests Not suitably attired to change

What? Otherwise we may refuse booking This is unacceptable While jackets and tyres are not essential Smart attire and even Formal dress is That is not What? Essential, smart attire, and even formal dress is wild. That is not...

What? That's mental. That is true, mate. I didn't feel... Do you know what I'll have to do? I'll just Google image myself and show them. They'll understand who I am. They'll understand.

So what are you going to wear? I'll wear a shirt, chinos, and shoes. Right, honestly, some people have gone in black tie and, like, cocktail dresses, but ballroom... This is not what I need. But that's not, I don't think, I think they're overdressed for that,

but I'd say the normal outfit is a suit and shirt and shoes like a wedding outfit. Yeah. I'm not going to wear a suit. My mum's always said this. You always do look a bit scruffy anyway. So I think, I think you might need a suit. I think you might need a suit to do a lot of the heavy lifting for you.

I'm not breaking any rules there. It says jackets aren't required. No jacket required. Yeah, but you're breaking the spirit of the rules. It's not about the spirit of the rules. It's the spirit of the rules, Josh. This is not why. I'm glad we had this discussion though, Rob.

I took my tie off for nine minutes, Josh. Yeah, so what I would say is you definitely don't need to go in like black tie but i think if you turned up in a t-shirt jeans and trainers it would be a problem yes yes okay yeah fair enough just a heads up thank god you've told me the people on this train look mental mate i'll tell you all about it i'll tell you okay sorry it looks lovely though but i think yeah i think you just go a bit smarter and you'll feel better yeah yeah so that was a present and then you went for lunch very nice lunch uh rose's mum didn't come for the lunch because we had fitted it in while our son napped so it was just me rose and our daughter and it was quite a rushed lunch in that sense it was a very nice day actually i had a very

pleasant day because what i realized rob is it's not about me anymore, my birthday. We then went, my daughter met up with a couple of her mates, and we had a drink with their parents. And I said this to my friend, Matt Ford. He said, what are you up to for your birthday? I was like, oh, just, you know, chilling out, seeing some of my daughter's friends and their parents. And he was like, oh, sorry about that, mate. And I thought, oh, oh my god this feels like a totally normal thing to do for me but for him who hasn't got kids it's insane that someone would do that on their birthday i still think it's a bit insane it's not well why do you have to go and

meet up with your kids friends they're my friends and then in the evening are they i went for dinner with other friends are they actually your friends they are yeah if you didn't have kids in the same nursery rob let me put it this way go on do you know how much they're my friends how much they've got the kind of jobs that means they can't sign a passport for okay fair enough that's that's nice then and then in the evening went for dinner i thought it was just going to be with rose but she'd surprised me by inviting some other friends a surprise she'd slightly ruined by earlier in the week

putting it on a WhatsApp group that I'm in and she'd forgotten I was in you're not the best surprise that is it no but you know it was a surprise

as to who had turned up but you still know that's nice and then she said so there was only a couple of them there when we turned up there was more to come and she said do you want to have a couple of them there when we turned up. There was more to come.

She said, do you want to have a guess at who the other people that are coming are? And I guessed two different sets of people and neither of them could come. And I thought, this game isn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. Who cares about birthdays anymore for adults? But I'm glad you had a nice time. Oh, and do you know what? Afterwards, we went to the bar after the curry. They had Street Fighter 2 as an arcade machine in this bar.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. I loaded three quid into it. It ate the money, Rob. And then I realised that there was a sign attached to it that someone had folded back saying that it didn't work. And that is how my birthday ended. Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?

Yeah, it was a bit sad. Three quid down, but another year gone. Big one for the 40th. I don't want to be 40. be 40 what are you gonna do just take your kid to play with more friends what do you do on your birthday then rob fuck all second of january it was away it was in tenerife last last year and uh lou uh i think she said that she'd got some birthday stuff but forgot to pack it. So on my birthday, Lou and the girls went to the shop near the hotel and bought a Kinder Bueno cakey thing and gave that to me. What a life. That was my birthday.

What a life. It's mad, isn't it? Yeah, and then we went out to dinner with the kids. It is what it is these days, isn't it, Rob? That's it. Oh, she let me go and watch the football on my own. That's the saddest thing anyone's ever said. Poor Lou.

She has the kids' birthdays in December. Then it's Christmas. And then it's New Year. And then also we were going away straight after Christmas. Yeah. So there's not much time for her to do anything. And I think over the years, people just fall out of love. Do you know, I've got this theory about Rose's birthdays in early March

and it means that Valentine's Day, her birthday and Mother's Day are in very quick succession. Yeah, but Valentine's Day has got to go when you're married. Do you think? Is that it? Just a card and flowers absolute tops anyone doing anything more than that is fucking someone at work always thought that card and flowers see you later mother's day card and flowers see you later birthday you take it up a level yeah that's my opinion but uh yeah no my birth my i've never

had a good birthday i used to go like ring up pubs and the pubs would be shut oh my yeah that's my opinion but uh yeah no my birth my i've never had a good birthday i used to go like ring up pubs and the pubs would be shut oh my god that's so sad because it's the second of jan so it's not worth it's just not worth doing it the weather's shit everyone's depressed everyone's fat everyone's skin we had another uh disaster as well. Go on. We had friends round, and we decided to have our first ever child staying over sleepover. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I did a lot of sleepovers when I was a kid, but I didn't like it. I got upset.

Yeah. They've done sleepovers at Nan's, but we've not really done any sleepovers with friends or had kids over for a sleepover. Talk me through it, Josh. So I thought this is going to be a big deal. This is going to blow. Yeah, this is going to be. any sleepovers with friends or had kids over for a sleepover talk me through it josh so i thought this is going to be a big deal this is going to this is going to blow yeah this is going to be so big basically we had our friends around in the afternoon and it got to about 5 30 and we were

like why not why not so was it just the kid or the kids and the parents the kid and the parents right two kids and the parents right so yeah i the parents. Right, okay. Two kids and the parents. Right, so I think we've done that before. We've never just had the kid. No, so we had two kids and the parents. Yeah. And at 5.30, Rose and the parents had been drinking. I hadn't been drinking that day because I didn't fancy it.

And I was like, well, that means I can just drive them around to get their stuff. Yeah. And then come back. And then I was like, and then I'm actually going to have a drink because this is exciting yeah that's fun so drove round, got their stuff, everyone's excited put the babies to bed

that's fine, that's the easy bit and then you've got a 3 year old and a 4 year old who want to sleep in the same room this is where it gets very tricky indeed I'd say Rob, i mean this it is actively impossible to get a three-year-old and a four-year-old to go to sleep in the same room who've never slept in a room with another child before ever so what are they in the bed together

well my daughter was in her bed and then we made up a bed on the floor for uh for her friend and he was on the floor she was in her bed and then she wanted to be in that bed and then he wanted to be in her bed and then it just all went wrong yeah and then he wanted milk because he wanted milk before going to sleep so what what time is this are you trying to do bedtime about 8 p.m by this point okay i'm on my first glass of wine i'm thinking this is exciting yeah we've ordered we've ordered, we've ordered a takeaway, Rob. It's great. He wanted milk.

We didn't have milk in the house. Obviously, we had oat milk. He didn't want oat milk, Rob. He wanted real stuff. He wanted milk, cow tit. He wanted the real stuff.

Then, my daughter's like, I want milk as well. She hasn't drunk milk since she was one and a half and threw it up and didn't want it ever again. It's like

an absolute disaster. Yeah, okay. So now you've got to walk out and get milk. Yeah. They won't go to again. It's like an absolute disaster. Yeah, okay. So now you've got to walk out and get milk. Yeah. They won't go to sleep. We're like, stay silent, go to sleep. I will sit in with you till you go to sleep. They won't go to sleep in the same room.

Eventually, we have to make the decision that he can't sleep in the same room. He has to sleep in the same room as his parents. Then my daughter decides she doesn't want to sleep in her room on her own. So she is now on our bedroom floor so now there's no one sleeping in her bedroom yeah okay four children in the house none of them are in the child's bedroom right okay so you've got so there's four four kids in the

house yeah so they've got a baby yeah who's in own nursery. We've got their baby who's in my office. And then we've got their son who's in with them and our daughter who's in our own bedroom, even though she never sleeps in our bedroom. For one night only, she's sleeping in our bedroom on the floor. Oh, no. And then so basically, instead of them waking up in that room and playing for it together so you can lie in,

they're just waking everyone up immediately. It took till about 9pm to get them to sleep see what I think you've done wrong there is what I would say when they've got friends over

I would just let them play and stay up as long as they want until they literally pass out then I just put them in a bed yeah well that's what we should have done because then that way

you get an evening that's what we normally do as well that's what we normally do in situations where she's got friends over we'll just go as late as we want but there we go that's a little bit of evening to ourselves yeah i think you're pissing in the wind there mate so then i'm like i just started drinking because i'm like this is gonna be a fun evening come downstairs the other three

have been drinking all day like bloody hell i'm exhausted now we'll just eat and go to bed shall we i'm like what what's the point of you staying out my evening's just started oh serves you right and if trying to have a good time exactly oh should we do some instagrams quickly before we wrap up yeah do hit me up with a couple of instagrams okay here we go i should say if you want to provide questions for rose and lou they will be answering your questions in the Parenting Hell book, which is out now to pre-order. All you need to do is email the questions to

parentinghellbook at bonnierbooks.co.uk. Bonnier is B-O-N-N-I-E-R books.co.uk with your questions to Rose and Lou and also to our parents about what we're like as children. And they will respond to them in the book at last their silence is over yeah the link is below in the show description um talking of parents i've got some boomer stories here oh yes that's the best bit one morning my mum asked me to come into her bedroom before school i sat on the bed and she said michael

i've got something important to discuss with you. Your teachers and I have had a meeting and have decided it's best that you are held back a year. Instead of moving up to year seven, it would be best for your development if you repeat year six. What? That's a tough one as well because you're still at primary school, right? I was immediately shocked and in tears, crying over my breakfast. I remember thinking, I didn't think I was that bad. And I always try my best these thoughts were interrupted by my mum asking what day is it i said monday she said but

what's the date i said march no april the first to which with a huge smile and delighted in saying april first that is brutal absolutely horrible and michael says it's not just how long she left it but i think it's mainly that there were no there was no purpose for it no motivation reason or lesson it was just for a laugh i'm a teacher now so it turned out okay in the end also my area the classic caveat also my mom is lovely and very supportive yeah but this was a classic bell yeah yeah yeah calls michael yeah keeper on side this was a classic boomer move michael oh poor sod that's horrible um right do another uh another couple of boomers and then we'll do uh small business shout outs hi guys i'm only 23 so my dad doesn't count as a boomer parent and he's an incredible dad but he had he did do one thing that he stands by that 100

scarred me when i was 12 we lived for a brief period in a tiny village in the bush of alaska oh my god i didn't know alaska had a bush i thought it was just all cold i can't say i recommended the experience we live right on the yukon and in the beginning of winter my dad decided to go out ice fishing he had me his, his 12-year-old daughter, youngest of the five, sit on the shore and watch attentively so I could go to get help in case he fell through because that was a realistic possibility.

As a parent of three now, I don't think I could ever put my kiddos in a position where they may have to watch me in case I die. But you know, each to their own. He asked my husband this winter to go ice fishing with him, which I responded, no, not worth it. Anyway, thanks for being vulnerable for the sake of our entertainment. It means a lot.

Hope you're having a lovely day. This is Elizabeth Dykstra, Bellevue, NE. Is that New England? Yeah. Bloody New England. Come on already. Too right. Yeah.

That is meant, just sitting there like on tender hooks. What if he dies now? Oh my God. Right, here we go. Last one, then small biz. Niers. Hi gents. New mum to a now 10 month old

and you have both kept me sane during the early months, especially being roughly the same timeline as Josh. Thank you. I was born in and spent my early years in a town in belgium which had an eight lane ring road going around it like most parents when my brother and i were arguing in the car my mum always threatened to pull over and leave us on the side of the road we usually took very little notice of this empty threat until one day we were being particularly shouty and our mum pulled to the side of the eight-lane ring road,

swiftly opened the car door, lifted us out onto the grassy edge of the road. She got back in and drove off, leaving her five- and seven-year-old fearing for their lives. Oh, my word. Here we go. Here comes the caveat. She obviously only went round the block

and was back in less than a minute. But safe to say, we definitely argued less in the car after that. Hannah. Oh, my God. That's not okay, Hannah. We're great parents. We're great guys. Yeah, well, we're great.

I'm great. You're great. All our listeners are great. These absolute boomer savages with the parenting. Just leaving a kid on the side of the road. But she was back so soon. Oh, come on, now. Right.

Oh, small business. Oh, I've got one anyway I can do because there's a problem with that link. I've got one here that we can do. Yeah. Someone, I posted up me trying to do the hair of my daughter's hair when Lou was in the hospital and I'm not very good at that.

Basically, this is a small business shout out to Braid Maidens and it's Braid, B-R-A-I-D underscore Maidens, M-A-I-d-e-n-s on insta or you can email braid maidens at gmail.com for more information and it's um basically she teaches hair braiding for incompetent parents normally dads when it comes to hair braiding and it's um it was on the bbc news uh page um basically she runs classes so you can learn how to braid your kids hair properly you can um yeah braid maidens so um yeah she runs classes um annis war began running her platin classes last year in st albans england so it's based in st albans

and uh father to four daughters with long hair john harden said he found learning to play hair brilliantly surprising. I don't want my daughters growing up in a world where they have an old-style view that one gender does one thing and another does the other, he said. Meanwhile, Dad Tim Ango said he thinks more dads should do it. Ms. Waugh said that the men were harder on themselves

to get their plaits right. So, yes, that's Braid Maidens if you want to learn how to plait hair, especially in St. Albans. That's good, isn't it? There we go really good, that's it Rob that's it, we'll see, we've got an interview

on Friday and we'll be back on Tuesday with do you know what will be nice? Updates from our actual week rather than those weeks past. Yes, what's been happening fresh, fresh off the tongue, fresh out the brain, but yeah thanks for bearing with us whilst we had

a little break i think it's better for us as parents and as podcasters oh i feel refreshed bye goodbye