Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP29: "Mummy went out for c*ck..."

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

S04 EP29: "Mummy went out for c*ck..."More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Josh Whittakam. And I'm Rob Beckett. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern-day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully not.

And we'll also be hearing from the listeners with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Have you got an intro, Josh? Yeah. That's one thing I've fucking got.

I think that might have been the intro. Ready? Okay. I hope that was recorded, Michael, because that was a real peek behind the curtain of my life. Before we start this, I should tell you, today's the most stressed I've ever been, and I feel like it's a... You know, like when I'm in Goodfellas,

when he's getting chased by the police. Today is the most stressed you've ever been? One of. Not the stress, but my brain's about to explode because I've got so much on. Oh, welcome to my life. This is going to... Cancel the emails.

We're going to be fine we've got 50 minutes here okay right shall i start yeah hello you're i love the way i put on like the show face for that yeah hello before it descends into disaster one of the most stressed i've ever been hello okay hello you're listening to parenting hell, let's not pretend we're not keeping the one where you fuck it up. Instead of fuck it up, I'll do it properly, being so, like, fake. But I can't start the show. Let's just cut to it.

Here we go. Wilbur, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Whittakin? Josh Whittakin. Well done Josh Widdicombe. Well done, Wilbur. Wilbur. What a name.

Wilbur, fucking Wilbur. Jesus Christ. He's called Wilbur Walsh. Wilbur Walsh. Oh, my God. He's either going to be an amazing novelist or in charge of some of the most horrific policies that the government's ever seen

hello rob josh and michael i was trapped in the car on bank holiday monday in state in a stationary traffic jam so what bell god what better way to pass the time than attempting to bash out your intro well that's saved 20 seconds of your life hasn't't it? This is Wilbur, who will be two in July, doing a smashing job of your names whilst I tow a dangerous line of keeping him from having a grade nine meltdown in the traffic jam. Also trying to ensure he doesn't fall asleep. For Rob's guessing game,

do you want to know where she's from? Berlin. Epsom. Like the salts. Like the salts, yeah. Yeah, like the salts. It's a German name, I thought, Wilbur. Isn't it?

Old German. Wilbur Smith. That's the only Wilbur I can think of, really. It's not Wilbur Smith. It's Will Smith. You don't want to get it wrong. You know what'll happen. Brock off.

Sorry for saying fucking Wilbur, but that was just an honest reaction. Yeah, that's fine. Fucking Wilbur. There we go. Keep up the good work. Tuesdays and Fridays would be a lot more depressing without you. That's only two days of the week on our shoulders there.

I don't mind the name Wilbur. Obviously, the kid's posh, so it's fine. You can't call a kid from a council estate Wilbur. I don't mind Wilbur because Will's quite a good name and I quite like Bilbur, so it sort of all fits. However, I would love to, what they should have done is worn a GoPro sort of helmet cam for all of the older generations in the family.

When you said, yeah, and we've called him Wilbur. And just to see people's eyes and faces, because if you're telling someone your kid's called Wilbur, it's like, okay, right, oh yeah. It's not a sort of normal name, is it? Well, let me be honest, Rob. That's why you send out... That's why you do it in text form, isn't it?

Because it allows people to reassess their views. I know there's some people that when I sent out the name of my son, they wouldn't have taken it well. I'm aware of that. But I've given them the opportunity. We both know what the name of my son is. It's fine.

But I've given the older opportunity. We both know what the name of our song is, it's fine. But I've given the older generation the opportunity to receive the text and then readjust what they think and then send a polite response back. Can you imagine Chris Martin telling his great-auntie that their kid's going to be called Apple? I know. How does she deal with that? Anyway, thanks, Wilbur.

Do you know what? I often think about this. I was on a train in Devon and I was going past Tynmouth which is just a little see-saw town yeah which is where Matt Bellamy and Muse are from

yeah and I thought when he was going out with Kate Hudson the daughter of Goldie Hawn did he? I wonder if he ever brought her back he married her didn't he?

I was thinking did he ever bring her back to Tynmouth? what was that like? do you know like did if you're someone who's going do you know like if you're someone

who's going out do you know what i mean like is chris martin did he take gwyneth paltrow back to exeter or whatever if you're listening if you're listening yeah he was with uh kate hudson for four years um and um the uh yeah so if you are from tinmuth and if you've ever seen goldie horn daughters aka kate hudson Tynmouth, let us know. Yeah. Did she go to the local? What did she do? Did she go to spa?

It would be quite good to have. Who's the most famous person you've ever seen? There's a ratio, isn't it, of someone really famous in a place you wouldn't expect. So if you see Kim Kardashian but you're in New York, it loses a bit of appeal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say a lower level, you know, fly. You know, I saw Terry Nutkins on a flight to Guernsey. And I don't know where that falls.

But you know what I'm saying? So what we're looking for is the halfway house between that. Yes. Kim Kardashian in Guernsey. Do you know what, though? If you saw Terry Nutkins in New York, I'd be impressed. Rob, I'd be quite excited. Who's the most underwhelming person you've seen in the most exciting place yes exactly who's the most underwhelming celeb you've seen in the most

exciting place and who is the most exciting celeb you've seen in the most underwhelming place because I'd say Nutkins in Guernsey Kardashian New York that's the ultimate of extremes and then if you swapped them over that's when it gets interesting KK in guernsey yeah um i've got to say yeah rob there's an energy to both of us today oh yeah i'm hyped up my i can't i don't want to talk about my life at the moment because i can't well no no i'm going to but i'm putting it off because i can't really accept what's going to happen i'm sort of playing may for me i'm gonna have to deal with with blind ignorance of how how much going on, how stressful it is. Would it help you if I said this is in the top three most stressful days I've had since my second child was born?

Okay, yeah, well, I think that's in a worse position that I'm in, where mine's a sort of anxiety about the month, where it feels like you're right in the fire. So do you want to tell us what's happening to make your day so stressful? Well, I know it'll be fine when we get on holiday on Thursday. We're recording this on Tuesday. Yep. Do you know what's most galling about this? What?

I was like, oh, maybe I shouldn't say I'm on holiday because then people will know we're not there so they can rob our house. Yes. And then I thought, oh, no, we're recording this a week ahead and the holiday I'm looking forward to will already be over by the time this goes out. So the only oasis in my kind of desert of stress.

Yes. As you listen to this, it's happened and I'm back in stress. So don't burgle or the only way to improve that was someone who has a... No, you can burgle

but I'm going to be there and I've got a baseball bat which I bought on holiday. And you fucking rock hard. Yeah, I'm rock hard. By the time this goes out, because we recorded a little bit earlier, you'll have been back from your holiday. You're going away for a week, aren't you?

Yeah. Oh, God, Rob. What's wrong? What's happening? It's so stressful. So why are you so stressed? So I am. It's just we've got a lot to pack, Rob.

It's your first holiday with two kids, isn't it? It's my first holiday with two kids, isn't it? It's my first holiday with two kids. And a baby. I would say Rose's attitude to packing, I'd say it's always been in her top three things she finds most stressful. I think she'd admit that herself. Oh, no, so you haven't got a lead guitarist

on the packing, really? Well, it's me, but I'm not doing any of the packing. She does take control of the kids' packing, but also she takes the responsibility of it and it weighs heavy on the shoulders. Right, okay. Rose is one of those people who, when she packs, she does think, if I don't pack a toothbrush,

they might not have one in Greece. That kind of attitude. Say, what about the Greeks? Never brush their teeth. Little fact. It's an element of, if we forget this thing, how are we going to source it in this major European country? Yeah, and you're going to be at the airport when you're there,

and also you're in a sort of nice... I know, you're going to a nice hotel. You're not in the middle of nowhere in a villa. But anyway, so Rose is very stressed about that. So, if you suggested that you took control of packing for the entire family i can't rob because i'm i'm getting all my work done before i go yeah okay so forget if you didn't have all your work right because that's the thing when you are self-employed you have to get it all done and then it just builds up um so would would she allow that and be happy with that or would she still want to do it she would but I think we both know

that I'd be so shit at it I could do my packing oh well done I could do my packing oh well done mate in ten minutes because it's a piece of piss clothes

I can guess it toiletries three books that I'm not going to fucking read stripy pizza express top that's it

and a pair of jeans for the pool. The main issue I've got, Rob, is I genuinely thought, should I pack my laptop in case I fail a COVID test and I'm stuck in a room for seven days? So you have to do a COVID test? No, I don't think we do, actually. I don't think you do for Greece anymore.

No, but in my head, I started to think that, and within 10 minutes, I was already thinking, I'm going to be in a hotel room on my own for 10 days. Well, we don't. In my head, I started to think that and within 10 minutes, I was already thinking, I'm going to be in a hotel room on my own for 10 days. Well, no, but you know what? Because we've been away a couple of times.

You've not really been away that much since the pandemic, have you really, as a family? No, this is the first time. Yeah, so it is horrible the first time you travel again. It's just,

you just get so stressed about all the different things, but it will be fine. But it is stressful. But to add to the stress. Yeah. So our son is intense at the moment. He loves to crawl at speed upstairs all of the day.

Oh, yeah. Do you know what they've got a lot of in Greece? Oh, no, they haven't, have they? Hard stairs. Oh, for crying out loud. There's no carpets in Greece. Tiled. It's not. No, the problem's not once they? Hard stairs. Oh, for crying out loud. There's no carpets in Greece. Tiled. It's not...

No, the problem's not... Once we get to Greece, fine. But... Yeah, well... What, is he going to stop crawling? Yeah. Josh, can I tell you something? He just loves...

Do you know what? He's only... The only thing that calms him is feta cheese. So we're going to be fine. Can I tell you something about Greece, mate? Yeah. When he gets there, there'll just be loads of new places for him to crawl that are more

dangerous than your house. Well, I'm dealing with one issue at a time, mate. Okay, sorry, your son's intense. So you can't really pack because he's on the go non-stop? Oh, but don't worry because he's just lost his morning nap. Lovely, lovely time. I feel great about my day. Carry on.

So he's up from half six till midday, which is five and a half hours. And then, and then you get your opportunity to do the packing. So he has a lunchtime nap. A lunchtime nap.

Twelve till when? However, twelve till about half two. Ages? That's like a shift to a shop wait for it what are you whinging for

because I'll tell you why I'm whinging Rob because it all kicked off on the nursery WhatsApp group that every kid

except my daughter yeah has seemingly got this awful bug that for days puts your temperature up to 40 degrees right and so we can't send her

in even though she's well we're like we can't risk sending her yeah because it's not even a you don't want her to get really unwell for the holiday imagine if she got ill for the holiday oh god yeah so suddenly there's two kids there's two in the house yeah Yeah. And from 6.30am for the whole of the time we're packing. Until you all go to bed. Until we all go to bed. And then you're just fucked. You're just fucked. And do you know what, Rob?

Last week, I was writing the chapter for our book about having two children. Yeah. Yeah. It starts with an apology to you, Rob. Everything I said in the first year of this podcast I had no right to complain it's when the second

starts moving on their own it's like Rob you are a saint for listening to me and not going you how fucking dare you? Well, I think you owe an apology to the whole listenership

because they were thinking the same. Yeah. And do you know what? I am sorry. And there's a sorry in the book. I've apologised publicly in writing. It's just impossible.

So is this the first time he's properly started crawling? He's really motoring about now, isn't he? He's really fucking motoring. And it's boring as well. Because you're just going upstairs. You know you're like, oh, but you get to see their face.

You don't. I'm hunched over him as he goes up some stairs again and again looking at his arse basically just going up some stairs your back's gonna be dead it's all that I've got a bad shoulder

I've got a bad shoulder I've got to go 8am tomorrow yeah get that sorted it won't be sorted do you know what your

shoulder needs do you know what your shoulder needs I'm gonna tell you four hours on a plane holding a child oh don't don't

there's a reason Rose's mum's coming, Rob. Is she coming? Oh, yeah. She was added to the list about three weeks ago, mate. Mum, I was just thinking, do you fancy coming away? You've not got away that much. You could sort of come away and hold the children.

I think that's a good idea. When you've got kids that age, just pay the extra and take some grandparents or anyone else that will a good idea. When you've got kids that age, just pay the extra and take some grandparents or anyone else that will hold your child. Could you pretend it's sort of a birthday as well? Can you sort of bundle it all in as one? Happy birthday. You are, it's her birthday.

Birthday, birthday. No, it's her birthday present. Oh, it's her birthday present. And Christmas, because it's a trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just very stressful trying to get this packing done. And on top of that do you know the worst thing to do

work wise of all the jobs when you're trying to sort your life out is recording podcasts because they're really easy so so Rose can hear laughing

coming from upstairs which doesn't help the matter so when you're at work you're laughing and she's downstairs with two kids yeah plus

of all the jobs it's the one where you cannot do anything you know most jobs that we have yeah there's actually quite a lot of down time

where you can reply to a text yes or you can do a bit of admin check in on the flights and that kind of stuff. Yeah. If you've got a writing day. Yeah. I recorded a podcast earlier

on and I got three separate missed calls that I needed to take during the podcast and I couldn't take any of them. One of them from the place we're staying that had me on hold for about half an hour and then cut me off by mistake and they've obviously phoned me back and I haven't picked up and I know I've

got to go on hold again. What I'd say is if anyone rings you in this podcast answer and we'll record it. Yeah. And listen to it. I'd fucking kill for them to ring me. I'd love to hear you in sort of dad mode, sorting out a hotel.

What have you got to sort out? The, uh, the, uh, booking numbers, this. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, hello there, sir. It's the, uh,

Greece, Greek hotel. Um, how can I help? Yeah. What time's breakfast? Uh, okay. It's the Greek hotel. How can I help? Yeah, what time's breakfast? Okay, but for next week. Well, I'll tell you what my issue is.

Your booking number that you've given me, when we put it in, it doesn't show up, so we can't book any of our meals or any of that stuff. Oh, that is stressful. That is stressful. That's a nightmare, isn't it? Yeah, that means you're not actually booked in. It has crossed my mind, Rob.

It's crossed my mind. I don't want to keep doing this because I think it's going to stress you out more, isn't it? Having the imaginary conversation. But it's so difficult to get anything done. It's mental. So it's Tuesday. You're going on Thursday.

So have you packed yet? I've more or less packed my stuff because I did it very quickly because all I need, because I'm, you know, just clothes, shorts.

Hello. Okay. So you pack clothes, cool. I'll put my charger in on the morning. I don't need to pack that yet. That would be mad

to pack yet. Same with toiletries. How are you getting to the airport? That's on the list. Book a car. But I can't do that during the podcast.

I can't be sat here listening to you on the Addison Lee website. So what else have you got? You've got to book a car. You've got to get a toothbrush. You've got to finish packing. I think you'll be all right. Have you got travel insurance? I've got to renew my mortgage.

Is that what I need to be doing this week? No, do that when you get back. No, no, I've got to fill in some forms about the renewing of my mortgage because mortgage rates are changing. And I don't know if you some forms about the renewing of my mortgage Because mortgage rates are changing And I don't know if you're aware of the financial situation of the world But if I don't renew my mortgage in the next week It's going to cost me £400 billion more Okay, one of them ones

Okay, alright, fair enough All these kind of things Have you got stuff for the kids? Have you got toys for the kids? Inflatables for the kids? Yeah, we've bought, we've ordered the inflatables Nice We've ordered, Rose has ordered all this kind of stuff for the kids have you got toys for the kids inflatables for the kids yeah we've bought we've ordered the inflatables nice we've ordered

Rose has ordered all this kind of stuff for the kids I think we've got everything we've got the got to do stuff like download stuff for the iPad that's good yeah all those kind of little

yeah all those little things you've got to do Rose has bought a mattress for the travel cot that they're providing because she doesn't trust that they'll do a good mattress because we never get a good mattress for the travel cot that they're providing because she doesn't trust that they'll do a good mattress because we never get

a good mattress for a travel cot whenever we've stayed abroad. Any other things that we need to have thought of or done? Not really snacks for the plane. It's only a shortish flight,

isn't it? Yeah, but we'll go to Pratt, won't we? I'll be fine. What, are you going to give your kid a fucking bag of nuts? What do you mean? What kind of kid's eating stuff

from Pratt on a plane? What do they want? What does a kid want on a plane? I don't know, mate. Why do you ask your kid a fucking bag of nuts what do you mean what kind of kids eating stuff from pret on a plane what do they want what does kid want on a plane what do you ask your kid well he'll eat any fucking shit he's like a fucking hoover tell you why he's right like a hoover one of those ones you see on tomorrow's world that's like remote control that just goes around the floor on his own nearly um my kids are a bit fussy with food though just we always try and pack oh my daughter's very fussy yeah food though Just we always try And pack them some snacks Oh my daughter's very fussy Yeah

I would also suggest Buying a load of snacks To put in the big suitcase So you've got them When you're out there Because I tell you What they won't always have In sort of grease and stuff

Is the exact kind of Pores Or whatever it is they have Them little Yeah Roll up Fruit things Yeah

Or the mini cheddars Oh god Oh god Rob I'm sure you'll be fine Gotta take Gotta take the fucking milks roll up fruit things yeah or the mini cheddars oh god oh god I'm sure you'll be fine gotta take gotta take the fucking milks oh the milks because he has those

he has those milks you know like the formula milks like but already formula so you're gonna take some powder so he turns one

out there oh happy birthday we got planned we got planned chasing him around some stairs. And there was a point, like... You all right? What happened then?

No. I thought he was going to sneeze. No, do you know what? I was just thinking about... I was thinking, do we need to pack presents? And I was like, of course we fucking don't. No. You are at your limit, aren't you?

Your head's gone completely. Are you feeling better from this? Oh, great. Yeah, I feel like playing football next to Harry Maguire at the moment. My last Rosie. Your head's completely gone. So, yeah, that's where i'm at yes okay but it's just that's the it's just a bit manic and it is a bit of stressful and taking all the right stuff but ultimately everything you want

you can get out there when we were in dubai we forgot to get pool tour toys we sat around the pool amazon in dubai just delivered to the hotel we've got some like plastic inflatable the plastic like toys for the pool for eight quid which is probably the most there'll probably be some greta thunberg crew giving me absolute pelts for that i've just said that i bought little plastic things from amazon and got delivered to my hotel in the desert you gotta do what you gotta do um but yeah you'll be fine on the subject of your holidays i know people that have been to that hotel, by the way,

and they've said it's absolutely brilliant. And I think anything you need, if you ask the hotel, I'm sure they'll be able to help you. Do they have a toothbrush? Do you brush your teeth here? Do you brush your teeth here? Here's a question.

Something I did need to tell you, Rob. Yeah. Three separate people have told me that they absolutely loved it. You know you're worried that it would sound like you're promoting Disneyland.land yeah and that you're getting kickbacks three separate people have told me they love the disneyland episodes and they would consequently never go so so yeah it didn't seem too far the other way i'd someone actually email me a link of the vegan options in

disney and um yeah it didn't take long to read it. But also, as well, Disney's so big. I was like, oh, this place here does that. And I'm like, that's a 20-minute bus journey away to a different hotel. That's like, oh, here are the vegan options in Bromley. I'll just get on the bus to Catford and you can have a shawarma. Do you know what, though? With that, Disney, it's like, basically, you either hate it

or it's the best thing you've ever done in your life. It's a bit like Marmite, I think. It's like you either... But my kids, that's the problem. You don't have a too good a holiday. My kids have been crying every night looking at photos of it because they had so much fun. Oh, my God, yeah.

Actually, like, crying. And the jet lag does farm off. They've been mental for me this week yeah i was down in bed louis et mever lying because i had to gig that night downstairs the noise they were just all of them just like they're screaming and shouting if i'd come downstairs and saw lou trying to tame a wild horse i would have thought oh yeah that's probably what it was so do you think they've gone mad from Disney OD, basically? They had so much fun,

and I think it does knock their sleep off a little bit, like getting back into it. So they find it hard to go to sleep because of the time in America. And then when you wake up in the morning, it's a bit early for them, so they're a bit cranky. But they're back into it now. Do you know what?

My daughter's sleep's gone weird, Rob. Not gone weird, but she's incorporated this I don't even know where it's come from she's got an eye mask she's four she will be right in print get herself a flat white

eye mask are you gonna you gonna sleep after that coffee yeah yeah I am I have five a day don't affect me anymore so someone get

I don't know where it's come from oh bless her she looks so cute yeah so she's got like a unicorn eye mask. Who gave it to her? It sends her out like a fucking lightning.

Does it work? Yeah. That's what we're struggling with at the moment. They're not going to bed very well. We think it's a bit of Florida. Also, it's so light at night now as we head towards the, what's it called in June when it's the brightest day? The equinox.

What is that? Is it the equinox? Summer solstice. What's the fucking Equinox? I think it might be the same thing. Channel 4 drama. Yeah, I know. The Equinox. It's got

Stephen Graham in it as a divorcee. What is Equinox? A temple of well-being. Oh no, that is the name. It's a fitness club. The time at which the earth's equator passes through... Yeah, it's not the equinox. No, OK, fair.

It's the summer solstice. It's the solstice. You're from Devon, you know. You've had weed at 9pm in the sunlight. Exactly. So, tell me how stressed you are, Rob. Well, basically, I'm working every single day in May. Fucking hell.

Every single day, and that includes... Sorry, I've been complaining about my holiday. Well, basically, you know, and I don't want to complain too much about work, fucking hell every single day and that includes sorry I've been complaining about my holiday well basically you know and I don't want to complain too much about work because it's good

I'm fortunate to be in a position to have lots of work on do you know what Rob it's when the phone stops ringing you need to worry which is what my agent

always says to me when I'm complaining I'm doing too much and then I think there's going to be an awful day where I complain to her about the fact

the phone stopped ringing and she won't know what to say well so basically I'm going down, this filming is based on location down in Exeter. I can't really say what it is yet, but I can announce it in a few weeks time.

So I've got to go down there quite a lot of the week, sort of four or five nights of the week, back and forth, sometimes staying over. So that's in Exeter. I live in Bromley. We won't say what it is, but can we say it's peak Beckett? Oh, it's absolute peak Beckett.

It's so on brand. It's so on brand it's so on brand it's just tin mack tin muff devon train widder conversions for me anyway so it's a there's not going to be a vertical neck to be fucking seen the necks are going to be swinging around by two male giraffes duking it out for the mayor i don't know what a woman giraffe's called. A woman giraffe. A female giraffe. Anyway, so I'm back and forth from the next month. I'm back and forth from Exeter.

But the problem is I'm also at that time doing my Radio 2 show from London on a Sunday. I'm doing this podcast with you, which is okay, because I can do that in hotels. But I'm also on tour. So in these three weeks, I'm down in Exeter for about 10, 12 days of filming. On top of that,

I've got to get to Inverness. Oh, I've done it. I've got to go from Exeter to Bristol to stay over in Bristol to get the 7am flight to Inverness. Then I'm around all day in Inverness and I do the show in Inverness and I've got the only flight back on a Sunday

to get me back from my radio show is 7am to Gatwick from Inverness. I do the show in Inverness and I've got the only flight back on a Sunday to get me back for my radio show is 7am to Gatwick from Inverness oh fuck me Snyder god is there not a sleeper oh fuck off

are you someone getting on a train from Inverness that's mental you'll be asleep shut up you mug you'll be asleep

fuck off you've got shares in trains or something it's amazing you go anywhere on a train I get shares in trains you're a three daydayer to Greece. I love the trains.

Jumping on the Rattler to Athens, you fucking lunatic. Anyway, so I've got that. And then I've also, in that three-week period, got to get from Exeter up to Manchester for a gig, then down to Swansea, Swansea to Exeter. And then I've got four nights in Southend. And I've got to, after my Southend gig, I've got to go from Southend that night to Exeter to film all day to come

back and do Southend again in the evening. Oh my God. So it's, it's just, it's, it's really busy. And in that time, because I'm doing,

I'm away basically for the whole sort of time. I'm doing my stand up. Would it be fair to say that the Exeter thing has filled every gap of the month? Yeah, basically that's exactly what it was. It was all well planned. And also,

you know, and I'm writing the book as well, so I'm doing that, so it's quite busy. Fucking hell. So, but the problem is, the issue is, today I've had to pack for these three weeks, but what I need is I need my clothes for the television show. So you're away for three weeks now? I'm back and forth for like a couple of hours here and there,

like the Inverness. Oh, my God. I get back at Gatwick, go home for about of hours here and there like the inverness i get back at gatwick go home for about four hours and then go and do radio too so i need my stuff for radio too i need all my podcast recording equipment i need my clothes to present the tv show i need normal clothes to traveling around i need my passport and a small case to get to inverness and back i also need my outfit one of my one of my gigs is a corporate gig so i've got where i've got a full suit packed for me like i'm going to a wedding and then so i've got my tour show to pack on my suit

to pack so i've just got about a million things and it'll be fine i do think they have toothbrushes in inverness i'm not sure so i think i'll be all right no they do so i've been doing that so it's been really busy today and then nightmare i dropped off my daughter at school in a school uniform and uh forgot it's Tuesday. It's PE day. She's in the wrong clothes. Oh, man. So I had to rush back in with a PE kit. I actually thought it was Monday.

I thought it was Monday, but this is bank holiday Monday, so it's Tuesday. So I forgot the uniform. And I tell you what, though, because we go in a bit earlier, some of the late parents, it's quite an interesting watch, seeing the late parents. Some people take their kids in like, right, we go in. As soon as it opens, the kids go in, so it's quite an interesting watch seeing the late parents because some people take their kids in like right we go in

as soon as it opens the kids go in so it's all calm some parents oh my god I saw a woman in pyjamas who's wearing pyjamas for the drop

and don't get me wrong I've worn I wear tracksuits for drop off short dirty clothes don't have a shower hair's everywhere

so I'm not being judgmental but pyjamas if my parents had dropped me in pyjamas oh my god pyjamas do you know what the other day I turned up to do drop off rob and I thought I've got no time today I want to do some exercise I'll run back it's a mile and a half I was like I'll put on my running stuff but I was so frazzled that I put on my converse I'm like so I got started running I was like this feels a bit heavy and I looked down and I wasn't in my running shoes.

Absolute slap monster. Loudest runner in the UK. It was incredible. Like a clown jogging. I felt like, you know when there's like a runner who's doing it in bare feet? That's how it felt. But the pyjamas though, I get that. Gym stuff for the school drop pajamas and also for some reason it's sort of acceptable for like a a mom in pajamas but if a dad yeah if a dad did it in

pajamas well i think that's the police well i first and foremost i don't think anyone should wear pajamas if you're an adult man that wears a full set of trouser and long sleeve pajamas you are basically a nonce and and I don't care. And I'm not trying to normalise pyjamas for men. I think, actually, let's criminalise pyjamas for women as well. Who do you think you are with pyjamas as an adult? I think if you're an adult, man or female, just fucking grow up. How cold are you? Get a bigger blanket.

Do you know what? You can't wear pyjamas to bed. Mo's got me some pyjamas, and I just overheated. I just overheated. I just... Why am I dressed for bed i know i'm currently doing this podcast in shorts and a t-shirt why would i put on trousers to get into bed well see now this is the thing i i thought that's quite interesting from you josh because with when a holiday's coming up i pack all my clothes like shorts and t-shirt clothes and then i wear my thicker clothes that i'm not going to wear on holiday

so i'm surprised you're using up a pair of shorts now well uh no i'm not gonna i'm not using them up because i'll definitely just take them um i've just i just grabbed them out of the wash basket um and i'm wearing a t-shirt i won't take i'm wearing a i'm wearing a football shirt and i'm not gonna wear a football shirt on holiday i'm not that guy oh come on why not i reckon you can a plymouth one you get away with it. This is a lovely football shirt. Do you want to see it? Yeah, always. Look at this.

Oh, that is unbelievable. I've got one like that, a Palmer one. Yeah, lovely, isn't it? I've got the same one. This has really gone off topic here now. We're in full football territory. Really gone off topic here,

but it's holiday. You're on holiday, aren't you? Oh, look at that. That is beautiful. Look at that. Michael, take a screen grab of that. We should... That's definitely going to go on the Instagram

as the most boring bit. But do you know what this bit is, Rob? What's that? This is the most Michael's ever been interested in this podcast. Anyway, let's get back onto the topic. Right, so what was it about? Sorry, I've gone off mic. It's a fucking carnage, this.

Oh, sorry. I'd heard about Stephen Bartlett, the CEO geezer, the rich geezer. Yeah, the angry CEO. I saw him on TikTok talking about his podcast set up. £40,000 he spent on it. What? I know. Who's he talking to?

Who's he talking to? The HMRC? The lying bastard. No, he was saying about, if you invest in yourself and you'll get payback and all that. And I was like, okay, that's fair enough. But not many people have got £40,000. I reckon our mics are between £50 100 quid each, aren't they?

Yeah. And that's it. Yeah, exactly. I don't think we'd have any more listeners if we'd spent 40 grand on it. I've got two other things to tell you, Josh, but I don't know if we want to save these for later. I want to talk to you about cock and hair removal.

And Bushway. I'll have cock, please. You'll have cock. I'll give you some cock. I'll give you some cock and I'll save the other two for the next episode. So cock, Lou went and saw cock at the West End. You know, the theatre show.

I didn't know that, no. There's a theatre show called Cock. Oh, I was thinking I've heard of this. Yeah, she Instagrammed about it. Yes, she went and saw it. She absolutely loved it. This is a side point that really annoyed me. It was like, oh my God, it's absolutely amazing.

The geezer from Bridgetham, what's his name? Jonathan Bailey? Yeah, Jonathan. Jonathan Bailey bailey i think i don't know um jonathan bailey she was like oh god it's amazing google cock play what can i google oh yeah likely story wasn't cockplot some tractors wasn't me some tractors well i was just googling some tractors for a big old busty woman jonathan bailey and taran egerton yeah taran egerton won in it for some reason i think he Please, Entractors. Why don't you just Google Entractors for a big old busty woman? Jonathan Bailey and Taron Egerton. Yeah, Taron Egerton won in it for some reason.

I think he stopped his... But anyway, she loves Jonathan Bailey. He was in it. Oh, my God, it's amazing. Only four people in the entire play. And Jonathan Bailey is on stage for the whole one hour and 30 minute show. It's just unbelievable to be on stage for that long. And, like, everyone's looking at you

and it's just all facial expressions and it's so funny. I was like, fucking's looking at you, and it's just all facial expressions, and it's so funny. I was like, fucking four nights a week, mate. I'll do that. Zero, zero praise. This fucking... This bloke does it for two nights a week for three mums. He's a fucking hero.

Every night on me, Todd. Sometimes I fucking drive myself. And you've written it yourself. I've written it myself. I'm doing it myself. I drove myself fucking there the other week, Lou. Jesus Christ. Giving it the right old large one on Jonathan Bailey.

Anyway, so I reminded her of that. And she went, oh, well done. That was a little shout out. And a real sort of, you know when two people love each other and can properly go at each other. That was it. But you'll make up when you see each other again in June. Just don't joke.

I'm moaning about my workload. lou has got two kids till june at least they're in school and there's no half terms in that period but jesus lou you're an absolute angel thank you so much for allowing me to go and do this she is gonna have had it with bedtime by the end you are you are just so you know rob yeah in june you are not lying in once no exactly i'm taking it hard i'm gonna get it hard in june um but yeah so lou is taking a real taking on a real fucking shift anyway oh god i'm panicking now about leaving lou the kids oh i've got to work you've got to work um anyway yeah anyway she went and saw cock she went and saw cock play and uh when the girls on the way to school next morning was like oh where did you go last night mummy then she went i went to she went to the theater and i went oh what to see and then lou didn't know what to say because she was oh a play it was to play called and i said

i just went it's called cock mummy and i went Mummy went out for cock. Mummy went up to London to see cock. How did that go down? They loved it. Well, they don't really know. Actually, they don't really know what cock is. They know what willy is. They say willy sometimes. So I just said, I played it down a bit.

Mummy went up to see cock. So Mummy and her mum and sister went out all together to see cock. So if the teacher asked, what did Mummy do? Mummy went out for cock see cock. So if the teacher asked, what did mummy do? Mummy went out for cock. Which is true. And I was a little at this point. Bright red, steam coming out of her ears. Because she can't kick off because then the kids will know that something's up.

Yeah, of course. Of course. And yeah, so mummy went to see some cock last night. Yeah. But the joke's on you because she actually did go to Magic Mike instead. She just told you that she was going to cock. Oh, no, no, she's having an affair with Jonathan Bailey, but, you know, he's a good-looking guy, why not?

And he's so... He can keep going for an hour and a half, well done to him. Hour and a half on his own. No messing. Oh, my word. No nudity in cock, though, unfortunately. Is there no nudity? No nudity.

I like that Daniel Radcliffe one with the horse. Yeah. Wasn't that called the Equinox? No nudity. I like that Daniel Radcliffe one with the horse. Yeah. Wasn't that called the Equinox? No, it was called Equus. God, imagine if it was. Oh my God. Hand over the podcast award now, mate. I imagine that.

I did a wild horse gag. We're talking about Harry Potter's cock and it was Equinox. Equius. Harry Potter. I just really, I nearly wrote Harry Potter cock then. Harry Potter horse play. What was it? Equus. not equius um harry potter i just really i nearly wrote harry potter cock then harry potter um horse

play what was it oh god you think i can spell that mate you know he's not called harry potter as well he might as well be um tell me about hair removal hair removal basically um very hairy at the moment and i've used to like sort of shave it off and stuff but i thought why don't i try this on the body on the body i don't mind it on the chest but i'd get it all on my back and then i'd have to trim it on my chest because my t-shirts get all puffy and like because my chest hair can get like an inch thick it's horrible oh my god you can lose a medallion in there back in the day um and then i'll get back hair and stuff like that so lou normally hates i think you'd look all right with a medallion in there back in the day um and then i'll get back hair and stuff like that so lou normally hates i think you'd look all right with a medallion i think you could pull it off maybe i

might get one i've asked about i've i've told you i want to get a sovereign ring and she said she'd leave me if she said she'd leave me if i've got a sovereign ring or um my ear pierced um oh she also said as well that when i was on holiday she didn't get me one little cake she got me four little cakes stacked on top of each other so it was still pathetic and sad but it wasn't one little cake okay she listened um yeah so i asked her to try this hair removal cream rather than shaving it so you put the hair removal cream on what you want to get rid of and after five to ten minutes you basically just like it's like a plastic thing they give it almost like a credit card that you just sort of wipe it off it all just comes off then you jump in the shower and wash it off okay

so it's basically five to ten minutes and it's but it's very very clear absolutely no terms is it on longer than 10 minutes right so it's basically just like you i think you catch catch on fire if it's on for more more than 10. So anyway, we're doing it. She's put the back on. And while she started removing it off the back, I thought, oh, I'll put some on the front and get it off the front. So at the moment, I'm completely covered in hair removal cream because I'm hairy all over, right?

From the shoulders down the back to the base of the back, top of the arms, all over the gaffer. I'm covered in it, right? Anyway, so she starts doing it because it's just hit like seven minutes because five wasn't long enough. And doorbell goes. Who's that? Amazon.

Or delivery. No, it's not. It's the weekly shop. Oh, no. Online order. Family of four. Weekly shop for a family of four for a week when they've been away for two weeks. Oh, my God.

So she goes and does that i'm just left there on fire so then i i sprinted upstairs and my towel fell down naked i'm swear the delivery guy saw my ass flying up the stairs yeah and then i just jumped i need some cream on it and i'm just on area he's missed a bit you've 30 sascquatch. Oh, leave it out of my coverage. I can almost see the equinox. And anyway, so I just had to wash it off in the shower and all these weird red marks on me. And under my arm, there's like a little red cut. I think it started eating me.

Oh, my word. Oh, it was horrible. And I was like, you can't put air removal cream on someone when there's a weekly shop coming. I think she did it on purpose. It's horrible. What a week, Rob. What a week.

Oh, and the other thing, bushwee. My kids now have got a thing called bushwee, where I didn't realise what they were doing. They'd occasionally say bushwee, and then I'd hear giggling. They keep running in the garden, pissing in the garden. That's not allowed, is it? No, that is not allowed. So we caught them the other day,

but now they know they're not allowed to do it. What's the punishment? I think the punishment will be if I catch them again, I'll make them go and have a shit out there in the middle of the night. Is that a good idea or not? Yeah, well, like with your dog, he might as well wear you down, though.

Off you go. Freddy, out you get. Girls, come on. I've got a bag. Anyway, but yeah, that's what I've been up to. A busy couple of weeks what time rob what time do you want to do a quick um instagram and then we can do your bits next week yeah well yeah they're not do you know what i've got some messages rob oh yeah i've got do

you know what i've got what i've got some questions people have posed for lou and rose for the book brilliant okay that's good do you want to hear a few of them? Yep. A couple of them? Go for it. I'll just drop in a couple in each episode. But why don't you find some thingies and I'll... Find a couple of Instagrams.

You find some Instagrams and I'll find some of these. Well, we've got this one about a couple about Disney. Just listen to your stories of Disney and how you walked 23,000 steps in a day. I was there at the same time. When we got back, I worked out I walked 105 miles over two weeks oh my god so i did that and i still put on weight what was i eating rob you've said what you were eating chicken strips or whatever they were called never strips and old people will know where my backpack's from. A lot of people ask this. It's North Face, and it's called the Borealis, B-O-R-E-A-L-I-S. And it's 100 quid on North Face, but I got it for about 50 quid.

I got the green one that's reduced, so it was 50 quid. It's quite pricey for 100, but if you shop around from different websites, you can get it for about 50 or 60. And I do think it's worth it because I've spent 30 quid in TK Maxx. Just do a few pounds the wedges that you'll get yeah if you want yeah you don't mind you sort of school lunch money being nicked um and never kissing a girl ever in your entire life um a boomer parenting story of a boomer parenting story for you when me and my sister were younger

we did a lot of pinching and biting each other in In an effort to stop us, our dad bit us both so hard he drew blood. Oh, my God. It's one of his proudest stories as we never bit each other again. That's not on. I would like to add a disclaimer. Here we go. That he was a great dad. And this was a one-time tactic.

Shut up. Once a bleeder, always a bleeder. Dirty, biting dad. It was a tactic that clearly worked. Neither of us remember nor are scarred emotionally or physically from Hannah. Yeah, sure, Hannah. That's fine, yeah. Just your dad bit you and drew blood.

I'll let the guys in the therapy room sort you out of that. It was actually fine, though, because, you know, I never did it again. Imagine tasting your own child's blood and then making that one of your go-to anecdotes. Oh, my God. Right, what questions have you got? And then I'll try and find a small business shout-out. Okay.

From Jonathan and Claire Flaypetty. Hi, a question for both Lou and Rose. When you met Josh Stroke Rob, did you think they would become the parents they are today? I hope they didn't think about that, Rob. I don't know. Might Lou iron me up. Did you think they would be different in any way?

For my seed. Less stroke, more hands-on or more relaxed, et cetera. More relaxed. That's pushing it. Say, did you think they'd be more relaxed? They've taken from the podcast there that we're not relaxed and i think we're pretty chilled out guys as we've proven in the last 48 minutes well yeah i don't know that's i'm a bit worried about lou answering these questions yeah everyone i read i'm like oh my god what other ones are there

dear rose and lou i would love to, especially in the early baby days, is having a famous touring husband worth it? Lou will say, well, when I get one, I'll let you know. Do you get enough positives in terms of notoriety, et cetera, versus not having any help at night time? Oh, fuck off, mate. Who's this idiot? No, shut up.

Don't ask that. Just casting in case I decide to become famous as a change of career. Oh my God, put an absolute carving knife for our relationship. Fucking hell, I'm not sure the answer to that about my own life. Never mind about my relationship. Jesus. From George Baker. Fuck off, Baker. Question for

Rob's parents. No, no, that's not Rob, that's not George Baker, that was someone else. This is from George Baker. Question for Rob's parents. Yeah, no, that's not George Baker. That was someone else. This is from George Baker. Question for Rob's parents. Yeah. Can we hear more about Rob's hellish sleeping patterns as a kid? Okay. Can his mum send some survival tips and horror stories?

George, aged 37 and three quarters. 27 and three quarters. 27 and three quarters. Okay, cool. I don't know. I really don't like that one working out. Is it worth being married to me or not? I mean, what a question.

No. Is it actually worth being married? It's actually not what sent me into a real spin that one, Rob. No, my head's gone. Don't worry. There's loads more coming in.

That'd be a nice thing to think about when I try to go to sleep tonight when I'm away for the month. And obviously, this is a classic from Stuart Richardson. This has to go on the list.

I'm just going to say, Josh, I might give that question to her after June. Don has to go on the list. I'm just going to say, Josh, I might give that question to Lou after June. Don't give it to her again. Save it for the paperback. Save it for the paperback, that question. No wonder we always add kids in December. I'm too busy touring to get any banging done after March.

High parenting hell book. Seems an obvious one and potentially the last question of Lou and Rose's respective chapters. But is there anything your partner does parenting wise that annoys you, but you're yet to bring up in conversation? As you know, it may cause an argument. The classic Rob. I think that's, I think that's an actual book deal in itself for her.

I don't think she could do that in one chapter. Oh God, I'm regretting this. Okay. chapter oh god i'm regretting this okay keep sending them in to parenting hell book at bonnier b-o-n-n-i-e-r books.co.uk it's in the podcast description if you want to send them in and the book is available for pre-order now rob because i'm doing the big sale also rob we're on tour we should mention that yes next spring come along to that imagine getting the book and a ticket for christmas i've got something else to plug, Josh.

Oh, yeah? I'm doing Australia and New Zealand, my stand-up show, Wallop. Oh, yeah? November 2022, this year.

This year? Again, away from Lou. Fuck. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. Yes, I'm doing... Put that question on ice again

for another two months. Actually, let's forget that plug. Oh, God. If you're in Australia or New Zealand, do come and see Rob. oh no yes I'm doing put that question on ice again for another two months actually let's forget that plug but yeah if you oh god if you're in Australia or New Zealand do come and see Rob yeah in November and start of December

yeah Perth Brisbane Canberra Melbourne Christchurch Wellington Auckland

Sydney Adelaide I think that's everything he's only bloody Steve Wright in it he's doing the full dates I think that's all of it anyway yeah so I'm doing that

but you can find information on the internet about that. Great. All right, small business shout-outs. And then we'll let you get back to packing for your holiday, Josh. Here we go. Those questions are quite thrilling, actually. No, that's mental.

That one is mental, that one. Do you know what, though? Every time I read one of those questions, my heart is in my mouth. No, that question's not making it into the fucking book I'll tell you that for free well I think we might have to you know but that one's a brute one

is it what are you happy he married him or would you would you rather he did something completely different with his entire life oh my god do you know what

it's difficult I know the answer right small business shout outs here we go there's only so many times you can say the phrase. The thing is, you'd actually see less of me if I did a 9-5. Well, do you know what?

It's like feast and famine, isn't it, really? You're sort of like, am I always there or not at all? I'd rather just eat three meals a day. Do you know the worst thing about feast and famine, Rob? Is neither of those words are considered particularly positive. No, both negative, aren't they? Normally the rule with eating is you want a normal amount of food every day little but often little but often little but often you're not greed feast and then famine i've just got i've just realized these questions we're on edge as it

is basically every time we come to these questions on the podcast we're gonna have a breakdown yeah okay i'm gonna be the only person who's unable to read their own book. Right, here we go. Small business shout-outs. I'm not the person to say, Hello! I love the podcast. And I've been listening to it as long as I can remember.

My wife and I, two and a half years, have two beautiful children. A nutty three-year-old girl, Mia, my princess, and a beautiful newborn boy, Jack. I fit bespoke handmade storage for under the stairs. I've worked super hard for the last two years since moving to the UK from Guernsey. Guernsey! It's back!

We're now based in South Somerset and I cover from Torquay to Poole and up to the surrounding areas of Yeovil. Rob, good news. Yeah. You can get a under stairs storage unit fitted in your hotel in Exeter this month. Do you know what? We need to sort our under stairs cupboard out. It's an absolute disgrace. We've not opened it, right?

It's so full of junk. We've not opened it in six months. And I was like, we've got to do it. It needs to be usable. So is this something that fits furniture under the stairs? Yeah. My business is called Power Interiors, www.power, as in I've got the power, interiors.co.uk.

What other way would it be? Power. Good point. As in white power. As in white. I'm not agreeing with it, but I'm just saying that's how you spell it just give it a context for the word

just give it a bit of context I love making a difference to busy households keep up the good work lads that is very I mean I would get him up here if he weren't too far away

I need that but I can't be bothered to sort it out some people turn it into a little dog like if you've got a dog that's where your dog lives under the stairs

yeah you can make a little dog bed under there and all his toys and all his bed and cushions go under there so it's sort of rather than having like in the middle of the room or a little cage thing you have a little uh little uh under the stairs uh bedroom for the dog oh that's an option nice i've got one here hi guys i don't have kids but enjoy laughing at you two every week i was hoping you could give a small business shout out to my neighbor a single mom who has her own business making custom tie-dye clothing

and home decor her instagram is v's underscore t's x underscore tie-dye based in scotland thanks kaz i'll spell that v e e s underscore t e e s x underscore t i e dE. So she's called V's Tie-Dye Tees, but it's V's Tees Tie-Dye. I think we might need to, you might want to sharpen that up. It's a classic small business shout out where we really struggle with the actual brand. We will give you a shout out,

but then we'll also completely mug you off. That's basically what we do, but they look good to me. That's the cost. Do you know what about tie-dye is like? It's something people think they can do, but when you see it done properly, it's ten times better. Oh, yeah.

I did it at school, when I was in primary school. It was dog shit. I was really disappointed. That's quite cool. She sort of does ones for families. That could be a little holiday outfit where the kids all wear the same ones and the parents have matching.

I do not need more discussion of holiday outfits in my life this week. Rose is quite into nice matching clothes as well, isn't she? Yeah, my daughter isn't. My daughter wore the same pyjama T-shirt to dinner every night because it wasn't, in her words, scratchy itchy. It's a challenge. And then she fed off plain pasta from my pocket.

Because we were on holiday. Have a lovely holiday, Josh. Thank you. Well well i'm already back okay let's not confuse people with this sort of time traveling equinox shit still don't know equinox is see you on friday rob when we have a guest but until then uh good luck with your may yes thank you very much i'm sure i'll be absolutely fine. No problems at all this end. See you later. Bye.