Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP3: "What is time?..."

Episode Date: January 25, 2022

S04 EP3: "What is time?..."More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Thanks to everyone who bought tickets for the live shows in January - both the Hackney date and the warm up shows sold out in minutes! If you want to be first in line for any potential future live dates, merchandise, and any additional show info then sign up to the mailing list here;parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com Small business shout-outs:1. Fade Out Night Light 2. Pastoitalianhomemade (Instagram) 3. bromleydogdays.co.ukEnjoy. Rate and Review. ThanksxIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellA 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Introducing Tim's new Savory Pinwheels, the perfect flaky and flavourful snack for those on the go, like me, who's recording this while snacking. Ooh, delicious. Try the roasted red pepper and Swiss or caramelised onion and parmesan pinwheels only at Tim's at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parents in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,

which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Nina, can you say Rob Beckett?

Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widgcombe? Josh Widgcombe. Good girl. OK. There we go. Oh, that's a juicy guess where they're from, isn't it? Right, you haven't got a location, so we haven't got an answer.

It's a nightmare. Well, I was going to say, I'll guess, though. I don't need an answer to keep guessing, mate. Yeah, exactly. It's the first sign of madness, isn't it? I can just tell you whether I'm right, whether you're right. Yeah, tell me whether you think I'm right. Is that a good way of doing it?

Do you want the email to give you some help? Yeah, give me some email. Here's Nina, delighted with herself for saying her name. She'll be two in April. Started listening to a podcast, sitting up during the night, feeding her as a little baby. My husband was none too pleased at being woken up by my laughter. Nina decided she wants to use the potty since Christmas.

I've forgotten about all the cheering that needs to go on as she carries around her potty of pee-poo for all of us so we can give her a big applause. Keep up the good work. All the best, Laura and Nina Ryan. Oh, lovely. That's nice. She sounded a bit American.

Yeah, it did sound a bit American, I thought. You know what I felt? It felt a bit like, you know, like when a Scandinavian person learns English through friends. Yes. So there was this girl that I knew from Sweden that she sounded American because she just watched Friends all the time with subtitles

and that's how she learned English. Yeah. Do you think it's Nina from the Cardigans? Is that what you're saying? Who's Nina from the Cardigans? Do you remember the Cardigans, Rob? You must remember the Cardigans. They're a band.

Yeah, they were huge. Were they? Wow. In Europe. Were they plus-size Cardigans? The Cardigans, their big hits were... They were huge, nine buttons. Yeah, I love pictures.

Nina from the cardigans. Oh, there's Nina. She looks very Scandinavian, Nina. Yeah. I love Scandinavians. You all remember the big hits of the cardigans. Do you know, Scandinavians have a very kind face, don't they? Yeah, they're the best.

I met Sigrid, and she was so friendly. Do you know Sigrid? No. She was on The One. I met Sigrid and she was so friendly. Do you know Sigrid? No. She was on the one show. From Sigrid and Roy? No. She was lovely. The tigers were a bit testy.

Anyway, I don't know where she's from. I think she's from Scandinavia somewhere. Where's Sigrid from? Who cares? Norway. Norwegian.

Norway. Anyway, right. Well, that's enough of guessing where someone's from without an answer. About a new regular feature. Yeah. How are you, Josh? You sound terrible.

Fucked. I've got a funny story about the podcast. Okay. But apart from that, I've been working. All right. And so I'm so tired. What have you been working on? Hypothetical, which is double records.

That means you record two episodes in one day. Right. Okay. Hosted by me and James Acaster. So my day, and it's in Pinewood, Rob. Do you know how fucking... It's about an hour and a half. Yeah, that's about an hour and a half drive from your house.

Isn't it? Or two hours? And so, yeah. Hour and a half, two hours? Yeah, it's a long way. Yep. It's a long way. So that's four hours.

So you're looking at, I'd say, three and a half hours, just your commute. How long does each record? Three hours. Okay, cool. So you're looking at a nine-hour day. and a half hours, just your commute. How long is each record? Three hours. Okay, cool. So you're looking at a nine-hour day. So my day starts, car at nine. Yep.

Very nice. Very nice driver. But he talks. He's a talker. He talks. No, no, no. You can't have three hours of driver chat. I mean, how much can you talk about mandates and Brexit?

You've covered it all on the trip there. Exactly. I don't have enough opinions on Arsenal, Rob. And also, I don't agree with his, even though he supports Arsenal. What's his opinion on Arsenal? His opinion is they should just play lots of young English players. Which is... I mean, I reckon I'm going to guess that.

Yeah, I know and they shouldn't have moved into the Emirates I don't know why they changed the badge why can't it be 1976 when I'm 25 and I can get an erection still why do things need to change all this new bloody new things it's terrible

I'm fat I'm old I'm sad let's go backwards come on he's a very nice man I know I'm only joking I'm sad. Let's go backwards. Come on. He's a very nice man, but... I know, I'm only joking. I'm sure he's great. I took a phone call and I was relieved the other day. Anyway. Well, just say to him, sorry, mate, I'm tired.

This will be awkward if he listens to the podcast. He doesn't listen to the podcast. I've just said he can't get an erection, and I don't know him. Anyway, so you drive up there. Two-hour rehearsal to block it through. Yep. And then three-hour record.. Two hour rehearsal to block it through. Yeah. And then three hour record, hour off,

another three hour record. Last night, I was too tired to even have a drink before getting back in my car. Do you know, my legs felt empty. Oh, poor you. All right, where were you working? Down the street. Could barely drink till 1am.

I didn't have a drink, bro. He didn't have a drink. He didn't drink alcohol at work. How did he survive? He didn't pass his lips. He didn't drink alcohol at work. How did he survive? He didn't pass his lips. So what time did you get home? I got home at 11, but because I hadn't had a drink,

I was too buzzy, so I just sat up and had to eat toast to try and make myself tired. How about three loaves? Nearly tired. Yeah. Just get it down you. Just get it down you.

I had to get to 24-hour Tesco to get some fucking bread. No, so I ate some toast Then went to sleep And then our son woke up at half five this morning You're not working down the mines However that is still a long day So I'll let you off Even from your ivory tower

Metropolitan elite And you've been doing that all week haven't you No I did it Monday, Wednesday, Friday Then I had to work on Tuesday on the scripts thursday yeah i had to work on a different thing but also i had a school another school tour rob oh yeah so you've done some parenting you're not just lazing around letting rose do everything well no because we did the school tour without children all right so you've not seen your children all week no it's been it's it's been yeah i'll be honest with you this morning i got up really early

because i just wanted to see my children even though i was tired oh that's nice but i think we're going to go to clapton community fc this afternoon to watch her first football match that'll be fun yeah so that's exciting it's 8 30 a.m at the moment it is do you want an amazing story about parenting hell rob yeah go Yeah, go on. So, one of the friends from nursery, I bumped into him. And he'd just been on holiday in Jamaica. Ooh. Yeah.

He was in the sea in Jamaica, Rob. The person near him in the sea is wearing the same shorts. Ooh. So, which I would say, you're at this moment thinking, this isn't a brilliant start to an anecdote. But hold on. No, it depends on the shorts doesn't it

yeah and so they strike up a conversation oh no that is awkward based on the same shorts oh no that is a terrible opener the person is from

a Tennessee I think it was in America and they go oh you're English yeah and he goes yeah

and they go oh we're big fans of English culture do you know Josh Whitam and Rob Beckett? No way. Yeah. And they were like, oh, we listen to his podcast. It's amazing.

And he's like, oh, right. Well, bizarrely, I actually do know Josh Willicam personally because he got to go to that nursery. No way. They must think England's so small. Yeah. They go, the one with the hot French guy. And he's like, yeah, that nursery.

And they're like, we've been Googling Josh Willingham to try and work out where his daughter goes to nursery to try and find this hot French guy. And then this will blow your mind. They go, do you know who it was that left the dog at his party? And the guy goes, that was me. Oh, my God. This is amazing.

They were just in the sea in Jamaica. In the sea in Jamaica. Wow. So if you're listening, do get in touch, because he's shown me, these people have got a, they've got an Airbnb in Jamaica, Robin. It's fucking incredible. And as fans of the podcast,

if they want us to, like, go to Jamaica, our families, and, like, enjoy their Airbnb, do a live show just for them from their Airbnb in Jamaica, so be it. So, if they want to get in touch, the Americans who are a fan of the podcast... We'll wear the same shorts. We'll wear the same shorts.

Shack us a pair of the shorts. We'll put the shorts on for you. Me, you and Michael go in the same shorts and do a live episode stood in the sea, in the spot where that connection was made. Exactly. That is insane. Isn't that an incredible story

how is your dog he's all right actually he's um yeah he's fine um just he's quite boring really it's quite good you don't do much i quite enjoy that i'm really not you know like i like having him but i'm not really bothered do you know what i mean it's not really become a part it's no big thing do you ever do you ever miss the dog i did when i was on holiday actually i missed the dog a really bothered. Do you know what I mean? It's not really become a part. It's no big thing. Do you ever, do you ever miss the dog? I did when I was on holiday, actually.

I miss the dog a little bit. And then there came a moment where I was like, yeah, okay, yeah, that's just what the dog does. Yep.

Don't know why I miss her. But yeah, no, I do like having the dog. He's very calming and he's nice. Are you more of a cat than a dog person? I'm neither really.

I've got the fucking cat wakes me up. I don't really like, you're a people person. Do you know what? I'm a Rob Beckett person. Yeah. Very much. Big, big fan of myself on my own, really. I've got the fucking cat wakes me up. I don't really. You're a people person. Do you know what? I'm a Rob Beckett person. Yeah. Very much. I'm a big fan of myself on my own, really, at the moment.

Yeah. Oh, this is funny, right? So Louie's supposed to be going away to, she might go to Centre Parcs with her family, because I've got a couple of away trips coming up, either on tour or I'm away Romesh filming. Anyway, we might be going to jamaica soon for an episode um so sometimes away for like four or five nights so what loon army does is um if it's in like school

holidays we'll go away with her parents somewhere so she's not in on her own so they're supposed to go to center parks and and she's booked with her mom and i think her sister or whatever and then father-in-law mick her dad has been going center parks for centre parks for about 40 years, right? He's 60-odd, right? And then he went, I might not come, actually. I've done centre parks so many times, I might leave it. His wife, my mother-in-law, went, what? So you're just going to sit indoors on your own for a week? And he went, yeah.

And I was just like, my man. Oh, mate. I was like, that sounds amazing, man. Oh, mate. I was like, that's amazing, Vic. Oh, does that never leave you? Is that all? That's all I want now. When you're 60, you'll still be wanting that. And he's by the way, he was so funny.

What, you're just going to sit indoors in your own, in the house, all on your own for a week? It's like, yeah. Yeah, that's exactly. That's what you said is exactly what I want to do. It's what I'm going to do. Oh, dear. How's your week been? It's been all right, actually.

I've just trying to... I've been thinking about the kids getting up. And, like, I wake up in the morning. I don't know about you, right? So the kids now go into bed. We put them to bath about half six, put them into bed about seven. They normally go back to sleep about half seven, eight, depending on how jazzed they are, right?

Yeah. And then they get up, probably sometimes six, put them into bed about seven. They normally go back to sleep about half seven, eight, depending on how jazzed they are, right? Yeah. And then they get up, probably sometimes six, sometimes if we're lucky, half six, right? So, but it's about six,

half six. But they wake up just like, vroom, ready, like ready. You know, like sort of like an athlete, on the starting line of life,

boom, let's have this, let's go. I wake up most mornings, right? And I immediately go, for fuck's sake, fucking hell. Like that's my immediate thought. And not in like a, I'm go for fuck's sake fucking hell like that's my immediate

thought and not in like a I'm down and depressed way but just like I've got nothing in the tank here you see what I mean it's just like I'm already fucked and the day's just what is going on I'm so tired and I just thought well I keep thinking how can I keep the kids staying bed longer then I just think if you can't beat

them join them so I just sort of start thinking are you going out the blocks? Hard. Well, no. No, but I just think, why don't I just try and sleep like they sleep? What, you're going to bed at half seven? Well, no, but I just thought, surely it's madness to keep doing the same thing but get the wrong results. So the answer is, go and sleep when they sleep, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, it is. But then is that possible? Do you think you can get to sleep at half seven, eight? No. But also the problem is you put them down, they've got to tidy up, dishwasher. But I just think that's the answer, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, the answer is...

Go to sleep as early as possible. Go to sleep as early... I mean, I went to sleep at 10 to 10 this week yeah and i it felt it felt quite late like i if i'm at home now yeah i can't remember the last time i was up at 10 p.m well what time what time does your boy get up half five is so is it sort of is it settled at half five he did a 4 15 out of nowhere the the other day. But then it was a one-off. He's back to half five. He did six yesterday, half five today.

4.15 is absolutely brutal. Let me tell you about the 4.15. He woke up. We've made what I would describe as a tactical error, Rob. Go on. The thing is, you've got to identify it, haven't you? You've got to identify the tactical error. You've got to identify it, haven't you? You've got to identify the tactical error. Accept your mistakes.

You are, in the long road to sleep, in the first few years, you will make tactical errors. Yeah. We made them with our daughter, for instance, when we got one of those

things that plays stories on cards. Yeah, yeah. And we played them until she went, so she got to sleep. But then she'd wake up in the night and she wouldn't be able to resettle

because she wasn't listening to a story. That kind of tactical error. And we started picking him up out of the cot to reassure him. Oh, no. To get him back to sleep. And it stopped him being able to self-settle. Oh, never touch them. Never touch them.

Never touch them. Never. That's like when they've got friends over and they're playing quietly, never check on them and never make eye contact or all of a sudden they want you again. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. The key to parenting, never touch them, never look at them.

You turned out all right, didn't you? Yeah, just about. So we're trying to correct that because the 4.15 was horrific. Because I said to Rose, you go upstairs and go to sleep. Because if we both get home at 4.15, I'm not going to be able to go back to bed. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So I took the 4.15 till 6.15 shift.

That is so... That's two hours. I know. So he's awake downstairs at that point? No, no, no. I was just resettling him. Just doing an hour and 45 minutes of sleep training, Rob. Oh, yeah, of course you are.

Why not? You've got a busy day. Yeah, exactly. 5am, I cracked, got him out of the cot, held him in the dark. He fell asleep in my arms. Put him back in the cot. 502, he woke up again again I couldn't fucking believe it

so basically you're getting up at 4.15 no it was a one off it was a one off no no no I'm just saying for this one off he was up at 4.15

and then so you're you're sort of doing a bit of parenting for five hours before you start your what is a 14 hour day no no no

I get to go back to sleep at 6.15 Rob oh you lazy bastard I know I go back to sleep at 6.15, Rob. Oh, you lazy bastard. I know. I go back to bed. Go back to bed. For two hours? For two hours.

Okay, fair enough. But yeah, I just, this morning, I just thought, 5.30, this is untenable in the long run, right? Because how long for my relationship is every day going to start with me getting up for a bit and then Rose getting up and me going back to bed and us both not being up together until about half eight? Do you know what I mean?

Do you want me to tell you what the answer is today? Nursery or potentially school? Yeah. When they're tired enough? Yeah. Because my mum, it was 4.30 for my mum. Yeah. Fucking hell, mate.

Why does she not hate you? Yeah, oh, my God. There's a fucking fox fight in my garden. Hang on. What? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. My dog.

There was a fucking fox fight in my garden, Josh. It was horrific. There was a fox fight in your garden? I shut out my window. There's two foxes just going, like, fighting and chasing each other. Then my dog come out and they shit themselves and booted it. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That was insane. I felt like a YouTube video that you shouldn't watch. Anyway, sorry, I got completely distracted. Felt like something that was organised in a car park. I know. I just won 80 quid on that. Two to one on Bushy Tail.

So what was the fight? Yeah, that is, yeah. But I think we'll get better. But yeah, it's just... It's just a bad day because I got back so late. Do you know what I mean? Josh, do you want to hear a dad joke I did that didn't go down very well?

Yes, please. I had to pick my daughter up from ballet and then basically you sort of wait outside and the fucking fucking foxes are back in what is this she's just fox is knocking about my garden giving it the large one get the dog out there absolute joke so anyway so i had to do ballet collection right and basically you queue up and then they say i'm who you're here for and i said what's available bit of fun isn't it yeah what you got and then they just just just stared at me and i don't know yeah just just my daughter beckett oh god beckett yeah beckett beckett beckett beckett

beckett um yeah but it wasn't i just was like oh you know you're just like this is this is bad this is this is really bad people need to cheer up mate oh can i tell you what happened to me the other morning right right? Yeah. Right, so Lou was letting me sleep in. When I say sleep in, I get up about probably half seven, eight, to sort of help with the school run, but I'm not up at six, okay? So at 7am, Lou comes in and went, Rob, I went, yeah, what are you doing on the 19th of March? I'm trying to book some tickets to go to this dinosaur show at Bromley.

Right. This is 7am. I'm asleep. Fuck it. I'm like, what, what, what? And I roll over pathetically. I should have just gone, why don't you piss off? And we have a chat about this when I'm awake.

Who? It's not Glastonbury. She's not refreshing the page, surely. I'm probably church as well. I've done about nine nights. I'm sure they could sort me out a couple of tickets if I ring up and say, can I buy some tickets, please? Anyway, so I pathetically roll over.

I'm doing a gig in Milton Keynes. And then she went, well, there's a dinosaur show at 11am. I was like, what are you expecting from me? How can I honestly tell you if I want to? I don't even know what it is. It's ridiculous. But I think that's what happens when you've been awake so long. You just think everyone...

You sort of convince yourself, everyone must be awake by now. Well, when I get up and I do my early morning, so I'll say I'm doing my half five. So reset him to six, get him up at six, go downstairs for an hour, 15, hour and a half. Then I'll come back up to swap in with Rose. So that's half seven. Yeah. Seven fifteen.

And I'll walk in and I can't believe it if she takes more than three seconds to get out of bed. I'm so impatient. I'm like, come on now. Even though she's fast asleep, I'm so impatient. So this is a quarter past six. She's like, I'm going to brush my teeth.

No, this is quarter past seven. Yeah. And I'm like, she's like, I'm just going to brush my teeth. And I'm thinking, this is fucking unbelievable. I don't know. Is there a thing with women? Desperate to brush their teeth all the time. Always I've got to brush my teeth.

So unreasonable. Don't give a shit. The kid don't care if you've got smelly breath, does it? They might make her go back to bed. I didn't even brush my teeth last night straight into bed i just couldn't be fucking bothered oh grot mouth i just thought who's gonna know this is quite good the uh talking about being tired you know like how tired you were i did when i did taskmaster you know years ago i think it's 2015 i did taskmaster

yeah when my daughter was born in the, I literally recorded it in December. I'm actually going back to my old diary now. I went back to work six days. I had to go back to work because it was filming six days after she was born. So, and I was on like three hours sleep. Right. And I did,

um, just checking with you, went to a dinosaur event. No, it was six days. I just checked. It was six days after. And I basically came home i

came home from i did a tour show and i came home at like one in the morning and lou had been up with the baby all night so lou gave me the baby and it was when the baby was a bit tom parry s where the baby wasn't sleeping at all like literally six days in i held the baby for like four hours and then i woke lou up again at like five in the morning gave him the baby went to sleep for like two hours and woke up at seven. My car was coming at half seven, eight. Got in my, no, my car was coming at seven. Got in the car.

So basically I had two hours sleep. Then got in this car to Twickenham for an hour and a half. So I'd had three and a half hours. So far, Taskmaster. It's so far away. It's so far away. So three and a half hours sleep and half of that was in the back of a car, right? Get on set.

The set is a freezing cold running track right in twickenham and the and the challenge was get from here to a microwave without walking right and there was oh and there was a bucket of water freezing bucket of water as well so i did the i did the challenge were like to roll i rolled on the floor and i'd do shit and the next one was moving a bucket of freezing cold water And it was actually ice was on top of the bucket of water. And I did that on three and a half hours sleep. And if you watch back now, my eyes are so sad. I just got nothing. It's just so awful.

But yeah, I mean, if you've got any of those stories of when you had to go to work and what happened when you were absolutely done in, please let us know know because i think it'll make people feel better especially if you're on that you know no stories about like you know you're driving a forklift you know i think two bleak quite light-hearted ones would be quite good how much do you think sleep is in those first three years yeah what percentage of the stress and the importance is sleep? I'd say it's about 85% of what you care about with the baby. Yeah, I think, yeah, especially at the beginning as well.

Yeah. Like, he's a good eater. My daughter's not a good eater. She's not bad, but she wasn't nearly as... You can give him anything and he'll eat it. But I remember someone telling me, one of my children's a good sleeper, the other's good at eating,

but they're both as stressful as each other, the bad eater and the bad sleeper. And I thought, I now think, you are fucking insane if you think that. Someone refusing sauce on pasta is so different to 4.15am. Let me send you this. This is what my face looked like when I was recording.

This was at the height of the newborn phase. Look how ill I look. I've sent it to the WhatsApp group. I'll stick it on Instagram. Look at my eyes. Oh, my God. Look at you. God, you're so young as well, but you look young and old.

You look younger and older than now. I know, it's mental, isn't it? It looks like something from that Trainspotting poster. I know, I'm so pale and sad. If someone wants to Photoshop that on top of Renton on the Trainspotting poster, that would be ideal for us. Okay, I'll stick it on Instagram. Yeah, we'll put it on Instagram.

Right, Josh, do you want some? I've got loads of good Instagrams. Yes, please. Also, I had a quick look at your emails as well. I don't know if you've had time to go through them, but I can read out a couple of your emails. Right, Josh, do you want some? I've got loads of good Instagrams. Also, I'd like a quick look at your emails as well. I don't know if you've had time to go through them, but I can read out a couple of your emails. Yeah, go on. First and foremost, it's pronounced Port Limp, not Port Lymph.

Oh, it's Port Limp. Stupid name, isn't it? I'll put it where I want. Anyway, hundreds of messages from these stiff necks. Who gives a shit? Who cares? Who cares? Port Limp, not Port Lymph.

If you understood what I was saying, you'll still be able to book tickets. People go into a place called Port Limp where they treat the animals really badly and it's just a terrible kind of farmyard on the outskirts of... Oh, this is a good one. Things I don't have an opinion on. Glad you guys are back. This is from Rose in South London.

My life is so empty that I need you to both chat into my ears twice a week. I'm 35 and I don't know how many days each month has. If I haven't learnt it by now, I never will and I don't care. Do you know about the months? I have to do the little rhyme. Let me test you. January? 30 days to have September April, June. No, no, no. Don't do the rhyme. Not the pathetic rhyme. You're a grown-up.

Okay, without doing the rhyme. Okay. You can't do that. You need to just do... Come on. January? 31. February? 28, 29 on a leap year. Okay. January? 31. February? 28, 29 on a leap year. Okay, March? 31.

Oh, I don't think so. It's September, April, June and November. Yeah, it is. It is 31. It is 30. Oh, I thought it was 30 in March. 30 in April. I know that because it's my birthday. And when I was a kid, I was always a bit annoyed about that.

April, May? 31. Yep. June? 30. Oh, he's good. July? 31. august 31 because it's got a bank holiday september stop showing off september's 31 oh no he's failed he's failed he's gone october 31 yep yes because of halloween november uh 30 yes de December. December's 31 because of New Year's Eve.

It is harder than you think. Why don't they just make a... It is harder and it's total bullshit. Why is it all over the shop? What is time? Why is it... Standardise it. Standardise it.

What's going on with February? Let's get the EU involved. This is what the European Union was meant for. Let's get this digital. If I didn't vote leave, Rob, so that I could have 29 days in February, I'm telling you that for free. That's not this digital. If I didn't vote leave, Rob, so that I could have 29 days in February, I'm telling you that for free.

That's not what Nigel Farage promised me. Do you know what I want? I want 25 each month. Let's bring it down. Exactly, mate. 10 months, 25 a month. Exactly.

Stop your bloody red tape in Brussels and let's cut some bloody days off the months. That would be all right, wouldn't it? What would happen if there were just less days?

Well, we'd slowly fall out of sync with the seasons, wouldn't it? What would happen if there were just less days? Um, well, we'd slowly fall out of sync with the seasons, wouldn't we? True, but then... And the moon. What's the moon gonna do? Lots of people are into the moon, but I don't really understand it. Could someone tell us why the calendar is like it is? I didn't vote leave, I should just be clear on that.

Um, but I haven't got a problem if you did. But, um, anyway, um, yeah, it is weird. And let's not get started on Easter roll. What the fuck's going on there? When it is, it just moves when it is. Why is it moving all over the shop like that? Come on now.

Because it must have been a day that all that happened. All that. The crucifixion. If I die and came back to life, I'd expect people to remember the fucking date. Yes, exactly. It's a big deal, especially if you're the son of God. Come back to life.

Note this down. Note down the day. Yeah. You're just, you know, half of a podcast and people would still care. Imagine if you were Jesus Christ. Oh, mate. The listeners we'd have. If Jesus started a podcast, it'd really blow the charts to smithereens.

He didn't have kids, did he, Jesus? We'd get God on. Get Joseph and Mary. That'd be a good chat. I'd like to speak to Joseph, actually. here we go so i've got a message here this is i started a bit of infighting hi rob and josh after listening to your latest episode rob's holiday to tenerife has revealed a lot of things my girlfriend of many years has been desperate to go to tenerife since we got together for one main reason her childhood memories of tony romers i played her the episode and she kicked off

refusing to listen to the open honesty of your reviews we are booked to go on our first family holiday to tenerife this year she's still adamant we are going to tony romers keep up the good work always a great listen on the way home after a night shift luke what i would say is tony romers if you went there as a kid in the 90s you'd love it because it was we couldn't really get american food in england could we like we do now so i i what i'd say is just be very careful what you order i've just gone on the tony robber's trip advisor yeah what they saying of the 273 restaurants in playa delas americas what's that i think that's the one i went to yeah yeah it's it's 153rd out of 273 so it's not in the relegation zone rob no. No, no, no, not at all, no.

What I'd say, though, is if you're going to go... Can I just say, if you go again to Tenerife, Rob, for this podcast, I feel it's your duty to find out what the 273rd restaurant is on TripAdvisor and just pay it a visit. Because it's weird, they don't have a Tony Romer's in England. They've just got them in Spain. No.

What I'd say is, if you're going to go to Spain, do you really want to have baby back ribs to the sound of 50s music? No, I don't. I don't. No, I don't. I'm not there for some, you know, some sweet honey kicking chicken.

Do you know what? It's got a picture of, on TripAdvisor, it's got a picture of a dish which is a kind of... Oh, the onion thing. No, it's an unidentifiable nameless meat with a bit of green on top of it. But it's got something that I haven't seen since I was a child that I forgot exists,

which is a baked potato as a side. Yes, baked potato as a side. They still do that at Harvester, I believe. Do they? Yeah. How are people having a fucking baked potato as a side? That is a main meal. Mate, the portion sizes are insane.

Also, the other picture is someone who's got a burger and chips with a second plate of chips. These photos are insane on the Tony Romer's TripAdvisor. Mate, the onion loaf. Have you heard of the onion loaf? You're insane on the Tony Romer's Tripadvisor. Mate, the onion loaf. Have you heard of the onion loaf?

It's basically a giant Spanish onions, hand-cut, breaded, deep-fried and served in a big, like, massive lump, like a fist. Is it surrounding a weird kind of dip? That's the onion loaf. I'm looking at a picture of the onion loaf and it looks like something from... you know, what's that film? District 9 or something. What about the aliens in South Africa?

Yeah, it looks like a kind of alien life form. It looks like something like... Yeah, it has the pictures. I mean, it's a good watch, actually. The Trip Advisor Tony Romers is so big. I would say the Trip Advisor Tony Romers, every picture is fucking insane.

Look at these. They're so big. Have you seen the one with the four corn on the cobs and the chips? The four corn on the cobs and the chips? How far down is that? Such a massive mad meal. I don't know if this is good or bad for Tony Romas PR.

I mean, if you're hungry it's the place to go if you're in Tenerife and you want to eat you just want to eat a lot go to Tony Roba's in 35 degrees if you want to dip some onion into

what the fuck is that you just sent me that's the chips and corn on the cob oh my word what is this? I would implore everyone to go on the TripAdvisor. I think Tony Robbins might do better business. It can't be quieter than it was when I went. I'm absolutely fascinated.

Oh, right. Here we go. Hi, just wanted to say I love the podcast and it is a gift that keeps on giving. I'm a midwife that often has to work over the Christmas period. babies do not get the memo to not be born on christmas day my colleagues and i thought we could campaign for masturbation march to allow midwives to have time off over christmas with their families that's you're doing the world a service yeah and perhaps instead of no sex march you'd like to promote this so this is what i'll send as well because having a birthday in december or january is terrible so let's let's push masturbation march masturbation march that's

going to become our big campaign yeah and that's from katherine pain midwife at princess and south hampton and she said thanks so much for being non-relatable unlikable but sexy and funny that's what we want to hear katherine Payne. Yes, thank you. When do you think Masturbation March should stretch from? Because you think it should move into the first week of April as well. It depends if we're going to push for the Nigel Farage 25 days in each month, forget about the seasons, anti-EU approach. I'd say probably last week of Feb into the first week of April, whole of March.

So six weeks that no one's allowed to have sex. But you can wank as much as you want. Do not combine Masturbation March with giving up wanking for Lent. That would be the absolute nightmare. No, that's the worst, isn't it? The amount of chocolate you'll get through just all frustrated.

I'm so tired this morning, Rob. I can't tell you, right? Yeah. I'm just... This is the most fucked I can't tell you, right? Yeah. I'm just... This is the most fucked I've ever been on this show. Really? So what, you're going to football today? Because I'm mentally tired.

Yes. I'm going to football today and then I'm hosting a charity event tonight. What is it for? Hackney Food Bank, I think. Oh, right, OK. So that's a good charity. Yeah, it's a good charity.

But you don't need it here. I would say it's unfortunate timing. That's what I would say. They're not going to get the best of you. They're not going to

get the best of me. Yeah okay. But they've got Tom O'Dell closing because he lives on the next street. So that's a positive. That'll be good.

Yeah. Yeah. They might have to start opening a celebrity host bank to sort of replace you. Alright guys we're

going to need some help here. This guy's too tired. Is there anyone else that can step in? Well, that's a good thing to do. Well, good for you. And I hope you and Odell have a good time. Yeah.

But don't get, you know, make sure you rest as well. Who's going football? All four or just you and your daughter? Well, I think I'd take my daughter. And then we'll meet. Does she want to go? Well, her friend who she really likes is going to go. So it's kind of.

This is what I'd do, right. Does the other a parent coming? Yeah. Just text him and go, look. Are they bothered about football? Well, yeah, that's why we're doing it. We want to go to the football and then they'll play at the football. Because it's so amateur-y, Rob.

They can play at the side. Okay, sure. Okay, so that is quite good. But are the kids not just going to get cold and bored? Would you not be better just going, why don't we take you to the toy shop, get a toy, and they just play in your front room and you have a beer on the sofa and watch some football?

Well, yeah, that's actually a better option, isn't it? Why don't you just do that? And if they're playing in the front room... I wasn't thinking clearly. I was checking the fixtures of Clapton Community FC at 5.45am this morning, Rob. I'm surprised you get on the website at that time. I don't know a lot of traffic. It took a bit of time to load up all the

traffic that way, like Adele tickets they're gonna look they're gonna look at their internet analytics and go who the fuck is this mental bloke who's checking our pictures

at 5.45am we might need some more security there's a lunatic that's booked four tickets if it was me I'd tap out of that and say look mate

I'm absolutely knackered here's my plan we could take the kids out go maybe like to the swings or a little bit for half an hour go and say let's go to the toy shop a little bit for half an hour go and say

let's go to the toy shop get them a toy let them set up and play with the toy in the front room watch the football and have a beer that's what I'd be doing

but it's up to you mate it's your call you might like the fresh air but I would do you know what I want to do Rob if you could do anything what would you do

sit in a room alone dark yeah just nothing on telly just nothing just a podcast that I don't care about and I just stare at the ceiling for four days Mark? Yeah. Just nothing on telly? Just nothing. Just a podcast that I don't care about.

And I just stare at the ceiling for four days. Oh, okay. I think that's a good time to end it, isn't it? Should we do another Instagram? Try and be a bit more upbeat here. Let's make it more upbeat. I feel a bit sad. This just felt sad.

I'm just very... I've just got to get through to next week. Yeah. Just got to get through to next week, and then everything gets much easier. Did I tell you about my interview on Good Morning Britain, Rob? No, it was on Good Morning Britain. On Good Morning Britain. Yeah.

Richard Maidley overran with his interview before Dominic Raab. Yeah, I mean, it's quite a pressing interview, that, isn't it? What were you talking about, your tour? Yes. But crucially, Rob, I wasn't lying. Oh. Anyway. Oh, there you go. i've said it yeah right

anyway i had three minutes oh three minutes so what did you talk about i talked about the tour and then i left oh did you mention that kate you you asked kate middleton to be on the show oh yeah they asked me the paper that's pretty in three minutes you managed to make the paper that's how good madely is isn't it him and su Susanna Reid. I love Richard Madeley. Yeah. He gets a bad rep, I think. Is he aware of who he is? I couldn't work it out.

I was listening to him and I was thinking, is he self-aware, Richard Madeley? Do you know what I mean? I think he's quite self-aware, but I think he actually does think those things, but it's unfortunate that society thinks that's quite Alan Partridge-y. Yeah.

Because all he's saying is what his opinion is, and he's sort of got a bit of a full-fledged opinion. It's the way he does it, though, as well, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. It's just sort of that... I think what it is is that old-school sort of really slick, professional TV presenter that you sort of had to be 25 years ago, and he's still doing that now,

where now the current trend is a bit more laid-back and conversational, but he's a bit more like, yeah, I'm a great presenter, and I'm going to make my point now. But I like Madeley. I like how feathery his hair is i'd love madeleine on this show so floppy isn't it i've got one more here to end this will make you feel better okay right this is from k age 35 perpetually tired in bristol in the summer we finally managed to get away on our first family holiday our boy had just turned three our baby was six months old and we had a lockdown puppy in tow too we booked a static caravan with fanciful ideas of how magical it would be to get away and spend some time together finally come day three and after all the tantrums all the teething and

all the sleepless nights and endless hours without any child care all confined in a tiny stinky caravan we decided the best thing to do was get in the car and go out for the day hubby battles to get the tantruming toddler into the car who's shouting and screaming he wants to go back to the swimming pool and doesn't want to go out for the day we put the sleeping baby into the car seat and then we put the puppy in the puppy escapes his seat jumps around and steps on the baby who wakes up and starts wailing. Oh, God. Hubby says under his breath, for fuck's sake, to which the toddler repeats, yeah, fuck's sake, dog. Oh, God. Oh, God.

We are in despair in the front seat of the car and we look at each other in despair and I say to my husband, come on now, we can still do this. We can enjoy today if we can turn this around, to which we hear a little voice pipe up from the back of the car, you two can't turn this around to which we hear a little voice pipe up from the back of the car you two can't turn this around what what heckled by the toddler oh my god you can't turn this around oh that is incredible crying baby jumping dog oh my swearing kid who's now trolling you you can't even tell you can tell the kid you can't tell the kid off for saying for fuck's sake if you just said for fuck's sake you can say that's a naughty

word i shouldn't have done it but you're sort of apologizing as well but you can't tell a kid off for saying you can't turn this around no it's my mind games yeah and they're and they're right because let's be honest that's the words that are going through your head at that point as well just drive home that's the thing though like you can't really have a holiday with a baby. I'm sorry. I know you've got one, Josh, and you're looking to book a holiday, but you can't. No, no. You can't.

You absolutely can't. You can't have a day off. But what I will say is when they're three or four, the youngest, it's an absolute dream. And it's magical. Great. Only 1,000 days. 1,000 days. That's all you've got, Josh.

Oh, my God. 1,000 more 5 a.m. starts, and then you're free-ish. It's been an absolute pleasure today, Rob. Well, no, enjoy today. You'll be all right. Let's do small business shout-outs, and then you can go. Small business shout-out. And go and stand in the cold and watch Clapton play.

Yeah. You know, it's only, what, 2 degrees today? You'll be all right. Oh, God. I've got a new coat. It's fine. Oh, you've got a new coat? Let me oh you got a new coat let me guess is it like quite is it is it always that one i saw you in the other day the big thick blue one it's black okay sorry all right i don't know why i said that why do i need to correct you jesus fucking wet you look nice and warm anyway i tell

you i'm never too hot but i'm always warm don't know how it does it lovely lovely so i love a new coat always treat i like to treat myself to new coat every winter it takes the takes the gloom off the cold yes exactly and as you can see it's really taken the gloom out of my mood this morning oh you're full of beans now and you're it's black um you got a new coat like my heart um okay right here we go uh Dear Rob and Josh, I love the podcast and have been an avid listener since finding out I was going to be a dad in January 2021. I was excited to hear Josh was having another baby just a few months before my own was due

so I could get a real lifetime insight into what was to come. I have a quick small business shout out to request. I used to make my living as a touring drummer with Wishbone Ash, but COVID halted... Oh, do you like them wishbone ash not really but i'm aware of them absolutely savage today but covid halted live shows for two years and having a baby made me reconsider my priorities while bottle feeding i don't dislike them i'm just i'm i'd say i'm indifferent to wishbone okay and i'm sure all of the wishbone ash guys will love to hear that from you, Josh. Well, I'm just trying to give his business a shout out.

You're slagging off his last one. While bottle feeding my one month old in the early hours, I found myself wanting a nightlight app for my iPad that would gradually fade out till I went to sleep. To my amazement, I couldn't find one. So I created one and put it... That's a good idea because basically my kids do this. We have a light on to get them to sleep,

but it's too bright in the night and we want to get them used to the dark. So this is good actually so um i couldn't find so i created one and put it in the app store hoping it would help replace some of the lost income from touring after two months it's made 12.67 so i'm not holding my breath lily is four months old now and i still use it every night when i put her to bed. Perhaps some of your listeners might find it useful and helpful, so leave me a nice review. You'll find it at fadeoutnightlight.com or just search the Apple App Store for Fade Out Nightlight.

Thank you for helping me keep sane. Joe, that's a good one. Oh, thank you, thank you. And I'm going to listen to Wishbone Ash on Spotify after this to see whether I recognise any of the songs, because I only know the band name. I think they're great. Do you, Rob?

What's your favourite song? Probably just, you know, the Wishbone... Yeah, that one, that one, actually. Is it that one? Yeah, that one with the guitar. Yeah, OK. I've never heard of Wishbone Ash, to be honest. Hi, my name is Antonella.

Love your pod, love you both. Please, please, could you do me a business shout-out? I run a small Italian food business from my name is Antonella. Love your pod, love you both. Please, please, could you do me a business shout out? I run a small Italian food business from my home in Sheffield by myself. My recipes are my mama's which are traditional

from the south of Italy which is delicious food I've eaten all my life. My best seller is my beef meatball lasagna. I sometimes make a vegetarian one which is very similar to Josh's. Okay, well does she get Rose's mum to do the white sauce?

Yes, she does. I put porcini mushrooms in mine too. I need to move to porcini. I'm just doing the classic. It's so stiff. Your neck is so stiff. It's so fucking stiff right now, Josh. I need to move to porcini. Oh, it's just ridiculous. You need a butter mushroom for a vegetable

to sound. Oh, have you seen the bloke that does an impression of you? Oh, there's millions of the bastards. On TikTok? No, because I'm not on TikTok. from mushroom from vegetable oh have you seen the bloke that does an impression of you either it's millions of the bastards on tiktok no because i'm not on tiktok what why is someone doing an impression of me on tiktok he's doing loads of do your shout out then i'll find this impression my business name is part of my surname pastorelli p-a-s-t-o-r-e-l-l-i i call it pasto my instagram is pasto p-a-s-t-o italian homemade pasto p-a-s-t-o italian homemade don't have a website yeah you don't need them you got instagram mate i listen to the pub while cooking and it keeps me very entertained thanks so much antonella right um i've got one one more

quick shout out as well i've done basically i'm dog walking in bromley it's quite a niche one bromley dog days and i'm not getting paid for this and i and i pay my way on't know basically i'm dog walking in bromley it's quite a niche one bromley dog days and i'm not getting paid for this and i and i pay my way on these dogs so i'm not getting i'm not getting any freebies um but he's a really lovely bloke this is um brian does the dog walking bromleydogdays.co.uk and he's on bromley dog days on instagram give him a follow he's starting out a new business and he's brilliant loves absolutely loves dogs and he takes little fred out for a walk once a week when we've got the kids doing um clubs and stuff so yeah he's absolutely brilliant if you need a dog walker in bromley bromley dog days give him a follow on instagram right

here is a tiktok of this spoke doing impressions so he does say emotional damage in these voices. Boris Johnson. Emotional damage, yeah. So he's basically doing emotional damage. He's a trend on TikTok, right? So that's a Boris one, right? You happy with that? I thought it was a little hammy.

OK, let me do your... Gordon Ramsay was quite good. David Attenborough. Now we see the young bug with emotional damage. That's a good one, isn't it? Gordon Ramsay. Hey, young man, big boy, look at me, yes? You've given me emotional fucking damage. Yeah, that's good. That is good.

Anyway, he does a few, and then his last one is Josh Widdicombe. Do you want to hear it? No. Josh Widdicombe. Josh Widdicombe, yes? He's given me emotional damage. Yes, yes, yes. Right, that is unacceptably shit

that was bad that is a bad one that is rubbish that is Zippy it was forgettable that is not he's never met me well obviously

he's not met me it's like he's not aware of my work it's incredibly weak it was like Josh Whittaker Alan Carr and Zippy was having a sort of

threesome in your mouth. It's totally, and I wouldn't say no to that, it's totally unacceptable. Totally unacceptable, yeah. But anyway, the other ones were quite good. I'd describe that as bullying. That was a geezer on TikTok. He's a voiceover artist and an impressionist.

I should give him a... No, you shouldn't give him a follow or you shouldn't give him anything for that, Rob. His name's Darren. I don't know what you do on TikTok shouldn't give him anything for that, Rob. His name's Darren. I don't know what you do on TikTok, but you shouldn't give it to him. His name's Darren Altman. Anyway.

Yeah, so I thought that was quite a fun way to end this, Josh. I'm glad you enjoyed that. I just gave him a shout out. Josh Woodacombe. I can't do it now. I used to be able to do it, Josh Woodacombe. I thought yours was as good as his. Fair enough.

Right, well, we'll see you next week, people. We are working on celeb interviews. We'll get them in for february in feb so it's just um our chat episodes and best of episodes until we start doing interviews again in feb so um enjoy people and thanks for listening to that best of now that's what i call parent in hell um that was a it went straight to number one in the chart so thank you very much thank you and don't forget to review as well that always helps and stuff like that give us a little review recommend this to your friends and family it would be nice and oh yeah and thanks everyone who came to the work in progress for the live show oh yeah we didn't even talk about that we've got a couple more and then we've got the the one at hackney and we are you know i know everyone's really excited please please though do not buy any tickets on

via gogo they're like it's always overpriced and a bit it feels like a bit of a scam so they're shysters anyone that's got a ticket you know that they're all don't don't get involved in all that there's obviously a big demand to come and see it so we're looking at trying to do some more potentially next year so i think you're selling them on via gogo i think so i'm not sure it's all a bit dodgy but there's tickets like 200 quid which is an absolute rip off so absolute bastards do not buy them and you know if you want to come we'll do more

so don't buy them it's already sold out there's no tickets left so leave it now and then hopefully once we've done these we'll announce some more so everyone can come

and watch and we're really enjoying the show we're working on it and yeah it's good and if you are selling tickets on Viagogo you're a twat

yes you're scum anyway right speak to you next week see you later bye