Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP33: Dr Prepare will see you now...

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

S04 EP33: Dr Prepare will see you now...More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. BIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Erin, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Can you say Josh Widdicombe? Widdicombe. Well done. There we go.

That was a good one. I thought I was too harsh last week. I was tired josh you came out the blocks didn't you yeah really i feel bad i feel i want to apologize to that kid and the mum um but i'm not gonna i want to but i'm not gonna no i'm sorry that was harsh that was a good one who was that josh hello rob and josh this is a clip of my two-year-old daughter erin for your intro i've been listening to your podcast for 18 months and I love it, especially for all the laughs.

I sometimes wonder what people must think. Should they see me laughing away in my car to myself? I think in the car is not the worst place, is it? No, it depends if you're a cab driver. If you're a minicab driver and you're that loud podcast. Shut up and drive. It's not an area where I don't think i've ever heard a podcaster and i've got into a cab it's not cracked the cab market has it podcasts in the same way

heart fm has yeah that goes do you mind that i've got a bit of capital on do you mind that where if they went i'm just listening to football like football weekly is that right just got this um those that that The funny bloke and his annoying mate talking to Richard Osman about soup. Just listening to Real Dictators. It's a seven-parter about Joseph Stalin. Are you okay with that? Anyway, my husband and I recently started

a pom-pom jar for Erin. Nice. Which is working a treat. And we're off to buy her first present tomorrow, now that it's full. A mini trampoline, as per her request. Thank you for making car journeys and long commutes to work so entertaining. Oh, this is a surname. Becky Korsniewski.

Ooh. Korsniewski. Korsnielski oh korsnielski korsnielski k-o-r-z-e-n-i-e-w-s-k-i i look you lost me at like the first two letters there my head just started yeah becky becky from great manchester from manchester oh that's nice isn't it josh um do you know what i've realized my kids i think my kids are too old for pom-pom jars already but it moves kids it moves so fast it's impossible you think you basically think you've got something nailed it yeah and it doesn't it doesn't happen and then not even you or the kid changes now at the moment and i think everyone's having this it is it is it's lovely isn't it when it's bright at night when it's near solstice but it's not when children are sleeping mate it's too hot in our house it's too i bought a fan for my

daughter's room yeah didn't check the dimensions rob what you got is it boeing made by boeing i know i envisaged one of the ones that you put on the floor that's big and tall do you know what i mean oh like the long with the classic big round thing with the cage on? No, no, no. But like, it's... Well, do you know what? I'll send you the picture. So I bought a fan, right?

Oh, fuck it. I'm so tired, Rob. What? I should have been worried because the company's called Dr. Prepare. Dr. Prepare. Dr. Prepare. It doesn't strike you as a... It's not Sony, is it?

No, Dr. Prepare. It's not Bosch. Dr. Prepare. How are you spelling prepare like normal prepare? Like Dr. Prepare. Like if you went to see a doctor and his surname was Prepare. Dr. Prepare. So I've just sent you a picture of my Dr. Prepare.

Wouldn't you imagine that that's massive? Let's have a look. Oh, that does look... It's double, isn't it? It's two fans on top of each other with Dr. Prepare. How much was Dr. Prepare? £26.99. £26.99, that's fair enough. Yeah, sure. It was available to arrive the next day.

That's what put Dr. Prepare at the front of the queue, mate. Really? Yeah, because it was like each night counts in the fan world. And GP waiting times are normally long. Yeah, they are lovely. But what worries me about Dr. Prepare is, Josh, that they do so many different weird things. Have you gone onto the Doctor Prepare website

what else are they prepared for so this is what's very odd about Doctor Prepare Doctor Prepare's got the fan yeah

they've also got a heated eye mask with an electric USB cotton eye compress heating pad so yeah okay

and also Doctor Prepare camping shower 15 litre and he's also the doc the doc i reckon he's made with dr oitka this geezer is a fucking charlatan doctor doctor doctor prepare projection alarm clock so he does electrics and he does eye mask what else has he got doctor prepare non-slip fabric resistance bands for working out doctor Doctor prepare, boot dry... What? Doctor prepare, boot dry a shoe dryer.

What the fuck's a shoe dryer? I've got a terrible feeling Doctor prepare's often mentioned on QVC. It's got that feeling, doesn't it? Do you want to see the fan in situ, Rob? So you can get a feeling for how big it is. Okay, here it is. That is pathetic.

Is that propped up on a chair as well? I've put it on a little wicker chair, yeah. That is so small. It's about the size of an Alexa. It is, yeah. I reckon if I, with my mouth, which is large, if I just blew on your daughter, she'd be cooler than that fan. Well, that would be quite a weird thing if I said,

don't worry about sleeping tonight. Well, I'm not suggesting that't worry my friends coming around to blow on you yeah call me dr cancelled hi i'm dr nonce i'm just here to blow on your child for 26 pounds flappy dr prepare dr prepare also does heated socks i'll tell you what dr prepared i know if you want to be hot or cold, does it? You can get through the whole year with just Dr. Prepare, camping holiday. I tell you what, energy crisis, turn the central heating off, just get Dr. Preparing. Hot, cold, whatever you want.

He can sort it out. Jesus Christ. Oh, God, it's been too hot. It's been too hot. It has been. Well, the heat's not ideal but also the the sunlight is not but but what's annoying is josh so yesterday um there was a massive thunderstorm in the south of england um so we're recording this friday for the tuesday episode and it was

absolutely torrential rain in the morning we sent the kids off with cagoules like i walked in with the umbrella and then by midday it was 25 degrees and I'm like well my kids face is burning you can't put sun cream on a kids face in the rain it's hard enough to put cream on a kid on a beach in Spain when you can actually see their skin crisping up

they'll still refuse that they want it so when a kid it's 8am and it's raining no kid will let you put cream on their face yes i mean that's unacceptable but surely your school should be doing it shouldn't they rob did they do it creaming up my kid which figure said them some sort of nunnery don't say that a nursery a nursery yeah you can say what you want rob it's it's the wild west of podcast i wouldn't i wouldn't say it on this morning but um

that fan is pathetic it does say desktop it does it says office i wasn't reading properly but you think double fan it would be bigger exactly it did work though it did work my daughter's sleeping times are all over the fucking shop in this heat rob so what's what's what's she what's she doing what you're getting dealt with my son my son i'll give you my son's last four days yeah 8 a.m insane so what time is he going to bed sorry uh 6 45 maybe that's good so a.m right jesus 8 a.m tuesday yep, last hour of which I thought he was dead. Obviously, classic. Wednesday.

Can't relax. Can't relax. Sitting there until I was hoping for the best. Yeah. 5.55am. Thursday, 5.55am. This morning, 7.30am. That is not a consistent wake-up time.

So is that your son or daughter? Son. Right, okay. But you said he's been doing well and your daughter's all over the place. Well, she gets up when he does, basically, because he screams himself awake, the classic. So she's been up at 5.55 for two mornings

and then 7.30 this morning. I don't know where I am with it, Rob. Well, so our kids, right, I've been away working quite a lot. I'm back home now. I'm back from that long shift of working a lot. And so my mum and dad came up to sort of help lou with the kids at the weekend who had some appointments to go to bits of work so they had the kids and they stayed over and my kids wake up literally like my young eldest wakes up at like 5 a.m and she literally comes and goes you're

right what we're doing like but buzzing for the day just like and then we have to send her back for a bit and then she went in and then she went in about six What are we doing? Like, but buzzing for the day. Just like, and then we have to send her back for a bit. And then she went in about six and woke my mum and dad up. My dad's 76. They come down. You know when someone's been in a car accident, and it's not been a bad one, but they're all shook up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're a bit wild-eyed. My parents are just walking around the house like that. They've been woken up at five every day. They look, I feel like we're taking off about five years of their life at this stage they're too old to be welcome they're too old to play with five years i would i've been yeah so like um and i said to him because my my cousins you know my my niece and nephew but my cousins my mom and dad look after them as well and i said oh is this what they're like as well they went no, no, no. Oh, Rob. So they've got your early gene, haven't they, basically?

That's come from you. No, no, they've got the worst. They've got the worst. They've got Lou's early gene. Lou gets up early, right? They've got my energy. But also, they've got my night owl as well. Oh, my God.

So essentially, they don't sleep. I've got two Margaret Thatchers knocking about. Oh, my word. Not what our country needs. Do you want a bit of info on Dr. Prepare? I've just Googled them. Oh, my God. I've got two Margaret Thatchers knocking about. Oh, my word. Not what our country needs. Do you want a bit of info on Dr. Prepare? I've just Googled them. Oh, my God, you've got even more. Yeah, so they grow grow lights for indoor plants, obviously.

But this is it. What we do. Here we go. For our most loved tower fans, for the burning heat to the popular heated apparel that braves the chill, our product development's motivation remains unchanged. That is by integrating advanced thermal and cooling technology with user-centred design. heated apparel that braves the chill our product development's motivation remains unchanged that is by integrating advanced thermal and cooling technology with user-centered design we strive

to deliver a wide range of efficient dc pad electric devices for applications in homes businesses journeys and dolls houses we specialize in borrowers i'm joking because it was small yeah so they seem all right dogs areair but be careful prepare for a tiny fan well they've got more advertising than the people that pay us to advertise

that's fucking Dr. Repair sorry I'll conquer that you know that I moaned about DPD yeah

and DPD rung me up I went my boss his boss was he went hello mate

you alright I went yes he went it's DPD my boss's boss listens to the podcast we'll drop round a parcel later because I moaned about it being a shock 15 minutes away

am I going to get a huge fan from Dr. Pappet I'm a bit worried now that maybe companies are giving me slightly bad service so I moan about it on here and then they save face and then they get a shout out maybe it's a double bluff that's what it is

they're playing us Rob I actually ordered a big fan and Dr. Papin knew if they sent a hilariously small one we'd talk about it for let's be honest

too long way too long let's talk about something else my daughter's got a teddy she took him to school a triceratops she's called him

Mr. Horny oh yes please it's a good phone isn't it yes please yeah what did you say when she said that A triceratops. She's called him Mr. Horny. Oh, yes, please. It's a good fact, isn't it? Yes, please, yeah. What did you say when she said that? I just went, oh, that's a great name. Dr. Horny. And, yeah, so she's got a little teddy called Dr. Horny,

which is quite good fun. Mr. Horny, you said. Mr. Horny, what did I call him? Dr. Horny. Dr. Horny. Dr. Repairs in my head. Dr. Horny. Dr. Horny was you said. Mr. Horny, what did I call him? Dr. Horny. Dr. Horny. Dr. Prepares in my head. Dr. Horny. Dr. Horny was that character you used to,

when you first started out in stand-up, you used to do the character of Dr. Horny, didn't you? It didn't work very well. Oh, the other thing they keep doing is call shows before bed. They're getting a bit like... Call shows? Call shows, where what they do is now, they know, they're really into, they've got their middle world. Like Jeremy Vine on Radio 2... Cool shows. Cool shows, where what they do is now they know... They've got their middle name.

Like Jeremy Vine on Radio 2, cool shows. Cool shows. No, not... We've got Steve from Luton here. He's got some very strong rules about ULES and immigration. No, called C-O-O-L, where they play music and they dance and wear sunglasses and sing along. And it's really cute.

But I'm trying to be in the moment and enjoy it because they're young. They're four and along and it's really cute but i'm i'm trying to be in the moment enjoy it because they're young they're four and six it's really cute but all i can think of i've got this now for 10 to 15 years but at some point they're going to take it really serious and i have to pretend it's great do you know what i mean you've got two little performers on your hands rob i think one i could farm off to athletics the younger one is desperate to do sport all the time so maybe they can channel the energy that way so then we've only got one performer to deal with oh mate your life is going to be afternoon go and sit by the swimming pool for two hours while your daughter and you know when swimmers train rob what 6 a.m so she'll be up for it i get quite

claustrophobic in swimming pools, so I don't like it. Yeah, I don't like it. It's too hot. Do you know what? If you find it's too hot by the swimming pool, I've got a Dr. Prepare you can take with you. Stop saying Dr. Prepare. If we were a radio show,

we would have had it removed from the amount of product placement we've done in this episode. It's absolutely insane. The BBC would have gone stark raving mad, Rob. Yeah, but we can do what we want. We're a law unto ourselves, Josh. Yeah, exactly.

If we want to slag off a fan, we can. I've got a shoe rack that needs a bit of fucking... This can't turn into basically Watchdog where we moan about what's happened in our life. No, no, no. About stupid products. My mum's got a bone to pick with you, Rob. Oh, has she?

She texted me, yeah. She texted you? Oh, no. With a screen grab. It says, Plymouth being a city is no longer so funny now, is it, Rob? And it's of a news story, which is that Doncaster and Milton Keynes have been awarded city status. Right, OK. So, OK, so is she taking offence that I slagged off Plymouth

quite personally? Yeah, well she doesn't, she never goes to Plymouth so I don't know why she cares. No. But she, she likes it when it's there. I reckon she hasn't been

to Plymouth in 10 years but still. How far does she live away? Well, she'd go to Exeter. Exeter's nice. You would go, there's no way you would go to Plymouth

if you had the option of going to Exeter which is nearer. Exeter's a city, isn't it? Yes, it is, Rob. Yes. Yeah, go, there's no way you would go to Plymouth if you had the option of going to Exeter, which is nearer. Exeter's a city, isn't it? Yes, it is, Rob. Yes. Yeah, okay, look, don't get all defensive about Devon.

It feels like, when I'm driving down to Cornwall, which is beautiful, I love Cornwall, I'm not slagging it off, I've had great gigs down there, I've done Red Roof, St Ives, all over it, right?

Yeah. When I've driven down there, it feels a bit like, you know in Willy Wonka, when he walks to the end of the tiny room? Yeah, yeah. And it slowly gets smaller and on top. It's quite narrow, isn't it?

You're worried you're going to fall off. I just feel claustrophobic. You're worried I'm going to fall off at the edge. The edge of Cornwall. But I'll tell you I'm sorry about that. But yeah, I didn't know it was a city. Now I know. Doncaster being a city.

I didn't know Doncaster was a city. It's got a nice train station doncaster what's that milton keynes come on guys didn't even exist 30 years ago well no i don't i don't mind places being a city but i can i can be i'm allowed to be surprised that they are don carter city status like it's not my fault oh really don car did you know truro is a city rob is it what's truro it's a place in cornwall do you know Truro is a city, Rob? Is it? What's Truro? It's a place in Cornwall. Do you know what?

I thought Truro sounds like a... You know my name like old films, like Willow or Labyrinth? Truro sounds like one of them. I've seen Truro. Yeah, it's great. It's got Kenneth Branagh in. Truro. How many R's is that?

Double R? No, T-R-O-U-O. No no t-r-u-o oh i do guess looks pretty looks nice that's all right anyway let's get back to parenting because we've digressed this is a this is a this is a job for michael no it's not we're all right josh i've got loads to talk to you about i've got loads of good instagrams go on plus hit me up also um the girls are coming to watch me do a show. They're coming to see my show in Southend. A cool show.

Because they've never seen me do a show. I'm going to do a cool show before bed for them. Where I'm basically going to realise how offensively sweary my show is mid-show. So talk me through your evening, how you imagine it. So basically, I've got to go straight to Exeter after. So Lou's driving me there with a kid. i'm driving lou and the kids there and then they're going to leave at the interval what's your mental space in the two hours before a show like are you going to be fine to parent for those two hours or are you going to need to get in the headspace of the character of rob beckett yeah yeah so do you know what i need now i'm all right i can when i first did comedy i

used to be so nervous he's just pacing walk and couldn't be near anyone but what we're going to do is drive up about five o'clock ish we might go a bit later actually was going to go earlier if it was sunny and get some fish and chips but we're going to just drive up i'm going to take them get there about six ish show them the stage and the theater with all the lights on they can have a little walk out on the sound check they go back and then they can watch the first half from the wings at eight o'clock have they ever have they ever seen you perform on tv like do they know what they're letting themselves in for not really i think they're more excited just to see a crowd and i might let them come out and have a wave oh you're gonna mention it on stage yeah i might do um but yeah i might let him come out and

have a little wave yeah absolutely get the audience on side i mean the audience are on side don't get me wrong they've paid to see you what you're trying to suggest that they've paid to come and see me and they're not convinced that they'll go it's probably true actually it's always half like that maybe we should laugh because his daughters are here we don't embarrass him that kind of thing what are you gonna do if it's the best bit of the show and then you have to take them on tour no not happening they're coming on just before the interval and then i'm gonna fuck them off home okay then i'm going to exeter you're going to exeter for work not just because we've just been talking about how good it is yeah but do you know what's really difficult is when you

do do tours you get people that like you but also like anything like we all know this you've always people go oh i've got a spare ticket to this thing i've done it with bands before and i thought who are these i don't really like these and you get those people in the crowd and they sit there and it's normally like a husband or boyfriend and they're cross-armed livid that they've got to sit for an hour and a half of me and then sometimes you're doing the show and then over the show that you could sort of see i'm gonna actually do what it's pretty funny this bloke i'm into this and then they've uncrossed their arms they're really laughing and you get you go fucking hell you're well done robbie managed to make everyone that come laugh also

people that weren't sure you've won them over however the flip side of that is when you have that person that's not convinced and by the end they're absolutely definitely sure they're never coming again because it can all it goes one or the other way those arms can become crossed and tighter and tighter they sit there going sit there going, fuck this. But that's the person you focus on in the crowd, isn't it? Yeah. Do you look at... Because I have as little light on the crowd as possible.

Because I find it distracting to be able to see people individually. No, I like the light on them. Not loads, but I like to see them so I can talk to them, yeah. I like to stare into the abyss. Do you do crowd work? Yeah. Your eyes adjust so you can always see the first I like to stare into the abyss do you do crowd work yeah your eyes adjust so you can always see

the first few rows even if it's dark on them because the light reflects off the stage so you can see the first few rows I can't deal with the spotlight it doesn't matter

I think I'm going to have bad eyes my mum's had detached retinas my dad's had cataracts you know you know what's going to go first on you oh yeah yeah

what's going to go on you neck it's gone it's gone neck's gone it's a go on you neck it's gone right we've got loads of good instagram should we do some of these because i feel like we fucking spoke for ages the last few weeks let's listen from let's talk to our listeners we've burned ourselves out i'm just going to check whether i've got anything more i need to say i haven't no I love the honesty. No, no.

Yeah, just check there. No, nothing. Nothing from me. I've got a couple of good celebs in small places. Oh, yeah, celebs in small places. So, you know we said Drake in Walsall was bollocks. Yeah, so was it? No, it was true.

No. There's an article here. Drake goes shopping at Co-op in Walsall after his Birmingham gigs. So where's he off to? Oh, back to the airport. If he's popped to just get a crisps or some drinks on the way back from his arena show. Yeah. I doubt he's staying in Walsall.

No offence, Walsall. No, no, I just think it's weird. Sure, it's a great city. Anything's a fucking city now. I've played in Birmingham a lot and you wouldn't, you know, stay in Walsall. So Drake in Walsall is true. But do you know the most interesting thing about that is he's decided to pop out of the tour bus or whatever he's in,

presumably because of some kind of limo, himself. He wants to see the full range in the co-op, doesn't he? He wants to choose for himself. Well, I reckon what's happened is he's gone, hey, man, give me some Cheetos and a Mountain Dew dew and the bloke's gone in there and he's seen like ribena and capri sun and thought what the fuck is this mccoy is what he's going here what's going on here what is that ridge cut oh your your your job's on the line if you take drake a packet of watsits instead of cheetos isn't it exactly so i reckon his guys come back and went look drake

you're gonna have to come in every crisp flavor is grab bag um this is a good one here um in 2014 when people still liked him i thought i think people still like him we saw elon musk in a john le John Lewis cafe in Cribs Causeway, Bristol. They just opened a Tesla showroom in the shopping centre. It was a surreal experience seeing him have a brew in good old Johnny Lou's. Michaela Nottingham. I think people like Elon Musk. That is a good one. Elon Musk in the John Lewis cafe.

Why don't you like Elon Musk? Oh, we meant to not like him buying Twitter, but I don't care because I don't like Twitter. Why aren't you allowed to? Why isn't he allowed to buy Twitter? I don't know because I'll be honest, why aren't you allowed to why isn't he like I don't know because I'll be honest whenever I see a news story about who owns Twitter I don't click on it because I couldn't give less of a fuck it's very hard to keep up on what's the right thing to think you know I mean because sometimes it's not about thinking the right thing it's about knowing to have the right reaction to something yeah do you know what

Rob I'm gonna add it to do you you remember used to do things you don't care about yeah who owns social media companies yeah is number one um oh this is a good one josh this is from becky hi i absolutely love the podcast it's top of my listen every tuesday and friday on the subject of big celebrities and small places i once saw brad pitt angelina jolie and all six kids going to see smurfs 3d in the Little Odeon Cinema across the road from Pizza Express in Richmond. What? Richmond I buy. Do you know what I mean?

I buy that they've been written. Off to see Smurfs. Yeah. I don't know whether they were going for the film or to adopt one, but they were there for the Smurfs. That is a lovely bit of business, Rob. Really nice.

Is that good? That went bad off the fly, wasn't it? Yeah, no, it was very good. Because I don't know if this shocks you, I don't read these in advance. You haven't got a team of writers going through them. There's six people

going, what links Elon Musk and John Lewis? Come on, guys, we've got to come up with something. I think, I'm going to allow that one, but I think the fact is in Richmond, which is a very affluent area of london yeah exactly because there was a news story about um do you remember during wimbledon one year there was a news story about um rafa nadal struggling to use a self-checkout in like the

tesco metro around the corner from the all england club in wimbledon um okay what else we got okay so i thought there was an end to that story oh no, no, no. I was just talking about people that you... I thought there was a self-checkout joke coming. No, there wasn't. What? What? Unexpected? I don't know. Item in the serving area.

Yeah. I think this has turned into two comedians trying to do a pastiche of two comedians doing bad jokes. I know. Actually, it's just two comedians not doing very funny jokes. Exactly. It's all gone wrong. It's all gone wrong.

It's hard to create a character that is very close to home. What would two unfunny comedians say now? Oh, let me think. Let me get into character. I genuinely... What would two tired old comics do now?

Oh, give me a minute. Let's see what I've got. I'll dig deep for you, Josh. I was thinking about Rafa Nadal and Elon Musk and John Lewis. And I was thinking, I just don't think there is a... I just can't ever come up with a joke with this. This is... I've got nothing.

I've literally got nothing. You've got nothing. Give me another one. I've got a person in a place. Yeah. I'll try and come up with a joke. Okay. All right.

Alan Titchmarsh in Ocean Beach, Ibiza. You've made this... No, that's not true, is it? I'm making it up! You said... I thought you... I thought you wanted an unmade-up one to do a joke on it. Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, you wanted a real one. I'm sorry, yeah, but I'll be honest with you. I was so excited when you said that someone had written in that they saw Alan Titchworth's nose on picture of people. I've got some boomer parenting, if you want one of them. Yeah, go on. See some boomer parenting.

Hi, Rob and Josh. Boomer parenting. In 1979, my mam and dad saw it fit to put a lock on my bedroom door on the outside. Oh, my word. They locked me in overnight and told me it was my own safety, so I didn't fall down the stairs. That is incredible. I accepted it, but looking back, what the actual fuck?

What if there was a fire? That is mad. That is mad. So that's like in a prison, when they do light the lights down. Yeah. In a prison. Lights down, like mood lighting. Lights out. When they do lights down. Yeah. In a prison. Lights down.

Like mood lighting. Lights out. Lights out. Lights down. Hey, guys. It's about seven. Should we drop the light in a little bit and get cosy? Yeah.

Should we get comfy? Should we get cosy? Should we get snuggly for a bit before we go to sleep? Lights down, guys. Put a candle on. Yeah. There you go. There you go, Gary.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. No worries, mate. Can you stop shooting up that junk? Yeah, no worries. Put on the old Dr. Prepare mood lighting and away we go. Hey, guys, I've got some Dr. Prepare heated eye masks. If anyone wants to put that on, sure.

You're not, you know, you're just shoving that little tiny phone up your ass. Fair enough. No worries, Peter. Here we go. Oh, I've got some more boomer parenting and some more travelling advice. Here's more boomer parenting and some traveling advice here's a boomer one this one's quite intense there's a two-parter here hi robin josh my dad

was a firm believer in tough love and a harsh school of life god he sounds fun i have so many stories it's hard to pick out here's a few examples do you know what i think i'm complete opposite about that i'm a firm believer in lots of love and actually just trying to enjoy life as much as possible because it's really difficult anyway. Yeah. Why not make life as easy as you can? Because it's difficult enough as it is. Let's not add hurdles.

Yeah. Life's really hard, and the negative voice in your brain will constantly tell you you're failing at it. So do you know what we need? Tough love and some harsh school lessons. Fucking hell. Hey, Dad, I'm a little bit nervous and anxious about things. Fucking good.

Welcome to the club. It's the harsh life. Everything you think bad's going to happen will. Now prepare for it. That's not my mentality. No. Here we go. Anyway, this is from Holly.

Here's the first one. When I was nine, my sister was eight. He decided we need to go on a wilderness survival mission. He blindfolded us and drove us to a remote location in the middle of nowhere at dusk. He gave us a map and that was all. Our food and shelter for the night was at a location we had to find. What? This was all before the time of mobile phones.

Eight and nine? I know. After being chased by dogs and getting very wet. What? Where is he chased by dogs? We saw a car in the distance and hid behind a tree. It turned out my not very happy mother had sent my dad out to check on us. Oh, she didn't fucking turn up,

did she? I thought she was going to come and get you. He didn't, however, take us home. He pointed us in the right direction. At around midnight, we found our camp for the night and we were helped to light a fire. It was so cold, my sister slept too close to the fire and rolled into the embers

and set fire to the ducked down sleeping bag. Oh my God. The concern was not for her safety, but instead for my dad's sentimental university sleeping bag. Look, no offense, Holly, he sounds like a fucking lunatic. This is going to end with, he's a lovely man.

He's a lovely man. I wouldn't swap him for the world. Also, I think this... Do you know where this feature ends up? Some sort of court case and we give evidence. Yeah, exactly.

This can't... Part two. This is the same lady. In another pocket money related boomer parenting story, my dad decided we needed to learn

how to invest. So around six, we had to take a loan from him to buy a... I can't even say this out. I think this is a wind-up. Let's take a loan from him and he'd end up kneecapping me and repossessing my...

Wait, you will never guess what the loan's for, all right? We had to take a loan from him to buy a pig and its food. What? We had to care for the pig. Sorry, who's this? Jack and the Beanstalk? What's going on? We had to care for the pig and clean it out.

When it was ready to be killed, we had to assist getting the fondly named Katie Pig into the trailer. Then we had to sell the meat to my dad's mates and repay the loan we took. So at six and five, my sister was most excited. That's the age of your children, Rob, basically. Imagine this happening. We wouldn't end up killing the pig. They wouldn't do anything.

We wouldn't clean it out. Imagine getting my daughter to clean out a pig in the middle of a cool show. We were very excited to make over £100. I'm not, however, suggesting any of these options for your children. P.S. We lived on a housing estate for context from Holly East Wing of Broadmoor ok so it just turned out well

no that's not a church from Holly that's mental so where's the pig in the council estate that was like a riddle that sounds like an inspirational quote that you have to think about to understand.

Sorry, I thought I was on the Stephen Bartlett podcast, not ours. So, guys, what's your... I've got a little here. What's your advice for the next person that comes on? Where's the pig on the council? Sure, yeah, great. It's really inspiring. Are they losing their garden just for the pity?

I don't know why, but something's telling me the balcony. Sunning itself on the balcony. It depends on the housing estate. It might be a balcony, it might be a garden, it might be a shared yard. But yeah, that's Holly there, who didn't caveat that message. He's actually a really great guy. So read into that what you will. Oh, boomer parenting story.

Well, I've got one more boomer parenting story then I've got some travel advice. Yeah, go on. I'm 36. My older sister is one and a half years older. Our mam tells us this story where she was at the races when we were little. Had us in a double buggy, not sure of the exact age,

maybe four and a half and three ma'am went to this is a must be a northern uh listener no name ma'am went to place a bet so proceeded to leave her two toddler daughters outside the bookies when she went in to bet on some horses came out we were gone some some man said the old one got out and took the younger one in the buggy in that direction. Oh, my God. In Denmark, they leave buggies outside cafes, don't they? But not really to gamble. Makes me feel better about my parenting, these stories.

So I've got another one from a listener. This is from Andy. Travel advice. Hi, guys. I hope everyone is well. Oh, thanks, Andy. Cheers, Andy. I've got a tip for travelling with children, and it works like a dream,

especially on longer flights or train journeys. Go to Poundland or a a pound store for cheap presents buy a present for every half an hour of your journey so the cost is very low wrap them up in wrapping paper and every half an hour of the journey the child gets to if they are behaving or unwrap a present of their choice. Obviously, they're getting a reward for good behaviour, but it's an excellent blackmail tool for travelling calm and quietly. Don't use the word blackmail. We're all thinking it, but don't use the word blackmail. That would be my advice.

No, but just... We're all doing it. It is blackmail. Let's not vocalise the word blackmail. That's what I think. It's encouraging them to do what you want for a reward. Yeah. It's dog training.

Your dog, it's Pavlovian. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, because if it's a 10-hour flight, for 20 quid, you can have 20 little things

wrapped up. But that's a good one. Andy. I've got a response to rug munchers. Oh, yeah. You know, when I call my daughters

rug munchers instead of rug rats by accident um i had a similar experience of brain mouth disconnect a few weeks ago having just returned to the office perhaps a little overexcited to be back to normal i was at the front of a long queue of parents waiting to pick up their toddlers from nursery when the teacher brought my two-year-old son through the door i smiled waved held my arms out a stretch and shouted, hello sexy boy. Oh no, oh my god. Oh my god, no. Oh my god, no.

Immediately realising with horror what I just said, to style it out I tried to make it look like I was addressing the teacher by quickly following up with well actually you're a girl. Which made it even worse and she leptorified. Oh my god, oh my god. That is just mortifying.

I then change the subject. You've got to leave the note. Yeah, of course you've... They haven't. That's all they've talked about since this happened. I then change the subject to how many poos my son had done and what he'd eaten that day, but nothing could cover up the audible sniggers

from the queue behind me. Just another day and four hours sleep. And that's from Mabel Brown. Hello, sexy boy. Hello, sexy boy. Hello, sexy boy. Oh, my word. Okay, Rob, do you want some questions for Lou and Rose? We've been asking you to submit your questions for Lou and Rose

because they're doing a chapter each in the Parenting Hell book. Currently available for pre-order, Rob. You know I'm good at the promo. Yeah, you love it. I love it. Do buy tickets for the tour as well. Questions for Lou and Rose. Anything else about your tour?

No, it's over. I might be selling a sofa if anyone wants to buy a sofa. Oh, yeah. We've sold a chaise longue. Oh, you sold it? How much did you get for it in the end? Did you get what you wanted?

Get asking price? Well, we did it at mates rates because we sold it to some friends, one of whom listens to this podcast. And can I add to Kate, you do need to pick it up. Right, anyway, let's carry on. Okay.

Best and worst habits, a number from one to nine. Seven. Seven. What's the one thing they do that makes you want to murder them in their sleep? I leave pants behind the bathroom door. Lou hates that. Do you think that she's going to go with that? Yeah, that, or I leave cupboards open.

You leave cupboards open. Do you know what? I've realised what my Crosby's law is. What, for Rose or hers for you? Yeah, the thing that annoys me that Rose does. Oh, go on. It's making tea with a teaspoon, stirring it,

and then putting that teaspoon down, leaving a small tea puddle. No need for it. Put it in the sink or the dishwasher. Put it in the sink or the dishwasher. You've got to put it down somewhere. That's done again. And you've got a nice kitchen, but you haven't got like some sort of mad Wayne Rooney,

clean Rooney kitchen where it's a two minute walk to the sink. You're near the sink. It's a normal sized kitchen. It's not clean Rooney. It's bloody dirty Rooney. That's what I'm telling you. Am I right? Yeah. Oh, that's good stuff. We's not clean Rooney it's bloody dirty Rooney that's what I'm telling you am I right? yeah oh that's good stuff

we're not always shit that's good stuff um just effolent effolent on the fly clean Rooney more like dirty Rooney

yes please yes please Rebecca Tardy Rebecca Tardy come on we're fucking flying fucking sue me let's go

that's like one of those leaked whatsapps it's more like dirty rooney the funny thing from that court case was when the uh the the prosecutor the lawyer i don't know who it was said um about oh it's very inconvenient very um very very strange that the mobile phone ended up at the bottom of the ocean in davey jones's locker and apparently rebecca vardy went who's davey jones and then the judge went it's just a term for the bottom of the ocean in Davey Jones' locker and apparently Rebecca Vardy went, who's Davey Jones? And then the judge went, it's just a term for the bottom of the sea.

Dave Jones, he used to be the manager of Southampton in about 2004. I wouldn't be surprised if a story about Davey Jones comes out in the sun for drink driving. Davey Jones, drink driving, crashed his car at the bottom of the sea. Do you want to hear how our new cooker's going?

Oh, yes, the cooker. Sorry, that's what I asked. It's too powerful, Rob. So we're going to have to buy more expensive pans. How has that worked out? It's burning our pans. So you've basically bought, you've bought a top-level elite oven,

but you're buying the crap pans from the local shop We've got crap pans And that's been drawn to attention So is it a cooker oven with a hob on top Like an Argy type thing No like gas hobs on top And the gas hobs So fast

So fierce So what ones have you got at the moment Just metal saucepans You know normal saucepans The kind of saucepans you've had And you've got quirky pretty ones No we've got the kind of saucepans you've had Since you got at the moment? Just metal saucepans. You know, normal saucepans. The kind of saucepans you've had. Have you got quirky, pretty ones? No, we've got the kind of saucepans you've had since you were at uni. Those saucepans.

Do you know what? I need to apologize. Quirky ones. That was so disrespectful. It was so rude, wasn't it? That's such a sort of negging, passive-aggressive term. No, but you know what? Guilty as charged.

Quirky ones. Guilty as charged. Do you want a question about fame okay question six about fame and then i'll um do a small business okay here we go as a mother it can be hard to maintain your identity even more so when you have a famous partner and it's challenging work patterns what do you do to make sure you keep your identity bloody hell that's an intense question isn't it keep your identity? Bloody hell, that's an intense question, isn't it? Oh, God.

Yeah, that's quite full on, isn't it? Oh, my God, look at this one. If you were no longer with Rob and Josh, which celebrity parent would you want to be with, and what would be the perceived benefits? Oh, that's a great question. I'm up for that. That is... I want to know. Yeah.

Imagine if she said, like, imagine if Rose said James Acaster and Lou said Romesh. Right. Should we do small business shout out? Yes. This is, I don't mind it, but it's so niche,

which I can't imagine. I'll give this shout out, but I can't imagine how many people we've got that will listen that will be able to use this business. But anyway, why not?

Okay. That's exciting. So small business shout out technically northwest origins because we are just for more normal ones because a little bit south centric wasn't it my brother started his online personal training business a couple of years ago originally from wigan he has now moved to barcelona and he's absolutely smashing it so i thought this was calling out for pt sessions in barcelona i didn't realize it was online i I was like, okay, it's quite niche. Pierre Aubameyang going, I'll get involved with that. I think I've got Louis Enrique on the line.

He wants to do some curls, rip curls. What's that? That's a surfing, isn't it? Oh my God, that's an embarrassing moment. It's really embarrassing. I just want to be able to do some rip curls, if that's okay with you. My brother works with LGBTQ plus clients, helping them to achieve their fitness goals,

overcome confidence and body issues, improve their mental health. After going through his own journey of self-discovery and overcoming his own mental health issues, he wants to support others do the same. Online personal training programs, help and advice, tailored fitness programs, nutritional guides, and a training app to use to keep track of progress. Kieran Lyons Fitness, www.lyons.pt. So I thought that was a personal trainer based in Barcelona

that only trained LGBTQ plus clients, which, you know, obviously there's a market for anything, but I'm just saying it's quite a niche client base. Yeah, of course. And of all, you know, I imagine there's a few people in this podcast who that fits with due to sheer you know weight of numbers if you're a member of the lgbtq plus community and you live in barcelona and you listen to this and you want a personal trainer

let us know that's the crux imagine if you were an lgbt plus living in barcelona but you already had a personal trainer how annoying that would be but it is online so you can do it online I think it's just based in Barcelona hi Rob and Josh absolutely love the podcast

as a parent of two boys and running a small business I look forward every week for your newest episode for lots of laughs it's also so relatable

we are a small business based in Swanley, Kent you know Swanleyley rob that's near me oh mate i used to go swanley market by the asda i have pyromash and then would buy old magazines that were six months old you'd get five like it used to be like five for three quid that's like a computer program that has been uh been able to come up with rob beck-based anecdotes. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like a robot. Let's do a random Rob Beckett anecdote generator.

Yeah, my mum used to leave me in the creche at Asda and go shopping, and they had Super Mario. I loved it. It was great. Glory days. Wow, it gets better. Anyway, we're a small business based in Swanley, Kent, who make classic wooden puzzles with a twist. We use photos behind the shape.

Children really love discovering who is behind each one. Instagram, peekaboo underscore puzzle. That's peekaboo, P-E-E-K-A-B-O-O underscore puzzle. Now, a bit of extra info, Rob. I went to Cooper's school. Oh, that's my old school. And my mum has worked there for many years and remembers Rob. Every time you're on telly, she says, I know him.

I'm not sure we need that element. Her name is Mrs Haslam and she still works on student reception. Cheers, Gemma. Mrs Haslam, that does ring a bell, actually. So what's the company called? The puzzle company? Peekaboo underscore puzzle. Let's have a look at these puzzles, mate.

Oh, they're like little kid puzzles. I get you. So you can put pictures underneath, but they're like for at these puzzles, mate. Oh, they're like little kid puzzles. I get you. So you can put pictures underneath, but they're like for young kids puzzles. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. So you put pictures of your family and then there's wooden shapes that cover them up.

That is a lovely gift. That's a really good gift you could give for like a one-year-old kid, I think. It's been an absolute pleasure, Rob. I'll be honest with you. Oh, I've loved it. It's been a shambles. Oh, and yeah, if you've got questions for our parents, because we're a bit light on questions for them it's parenting hell book parenting hell

book at bonnierbooks.co.uk bonnier b-o-n-n-i-r books.co.uk it's in the episode description if you want to find it what i would say the way we're doing it with the parents are we're going to sit down and um interview them and um ask these questions and they will absolutely let loose on us so they i reckon they're going to be quite brutal so any questions you've got are you dreading parents or wife more i'm dreading wife more but i think my parents could make it worse they could be the sort of silent silent killer especially keep getting up at five in the morning i used to get my mom up at 4 30 a.m every day. I cannot wait to talk to her about that.

No. Brutal. Wicked. All right, then, well, I'll see you on Friday with another guest episode. It's a great episode on Friday. See you then. Bye.

Hi there, Parenting Hell listeners. We're not Josh and Rob. My name's Rich, and this is Dave. Hello. And we host a podcast called Unequal Sequel. Unequal Sequel is a podcast all about movie sequels. Every week, we ask a special guest about their best ever sequel, worst ever sequel, and also their dream sequel.

So if you like podcasts, and we know you do because you're listening to this one, and you like movies like terminator 2 aliens or police academy 628 then this could be the podcast for you and good news series three is out now and we've even got an episode coming up with producer michael but even better news we've got two other series worth of episodes and loads of extras in between so you can go back to listen to brilliant guests like sean walsh nick helm or danny wallace so go listen to unequal sequel you can find us wherever you get your podcasts