Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell - S04 EP35: Josh, I don't like the sound of your life...

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

S04 EP35: Josh, I don't like the sound of your life...More (mis) adventures in parenting and beyond from Rob and Josh...Enjoy. Rate and Review. Thanks Rob + JoshBIG NEWS.... we're writing a book! ⭐ All the stories we can’t tell on the podcast – in depth.⭐ What it’s like to raise a stiff neck and a loose neck – straight from the horse’s mouth (our parents)⭐ And.. the BIGGEST REQUEST WE’VE EVER HAD FOR THE PODCAST… Hearing from our wives, Rose & Lou. They’ve got a chapter each and YOU can submit your burning questions to them... [e-mail]'s it really like to be a parent? And how come no one ever warned Rob or Josh of the sheer mind-bending, world-altering, sleep-depriving, sick-covering, tear-inducing, snot-wiping, bore-inspiring, 4am-relationship-straining brutality of it all? And if they did, why can't they remember it (or remember anything else, for that matter)?And just when they thought it couldn't get any harder, why didn't anyone warn them about the slices of unmatched euphoric joy and pride that occasionally come piercing through, drenching you in unbridled happiness in much the same way a badly burped baby drenches you in milk-sick?Join Josh and Rob as they share the challenges and madness of their parenting journeys with lashings of empathy and extra helpings of laughs. Filled with all the things they never tell you at antenatal classes, Parenting Hell is a beguiling mixture of humour, rumination and conversation for prospective parents, new parents, old parents and never-to-be parents alike.Find out everything you need to know, including how you could win a pair of tickets to the Parenting Hell LIVE tour & an overnight stay in London here: https://www.bit.ly/ParentingHellBookIf you want to get in touch with the show here's how:EMAIL: [e-mail]: @parenting_hellINSTAGRAM: @parentinghellMAILING LIST: parentinghellpodcast.mailchimpsites.com A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Willicombe. Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.

Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when none of us know what we're doing. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Good, and can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Good job, sweetheart. Oh, that's Scottish, but it sounded South African at the start.

Play the start again. Here we go. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you see Josh Whittaker? No, it was Scottish all the way, actually. I'll retract that, Josh. Scottish all the way.

Josh Whittaker. Here we man. Rob Beckett. Do you know what? You've got an array of voices. You don't use them as much as you could. You've got them in your armoury. Do you know what? That's got an array of voices. You don't use them as much as you could. You've got them in your armory. Do you know what?

That's how good you are. I always thought that I couldn't do accents, but I'm getting better at them, actually. I've got Yorkshire. I've got that lot. Scouse, I can do. Manchester's all right. It's got Robbie.

I can do it, man. You're like an impressionist, but you just do large regions rather than single people. That's how it works. Yeah, I do spit an image, but I'd just be a woman from Wigan. Pie-eaters. St. Ellen's has had pie-eaters.

Because they eat pies. Have you heard that? I think people from St. Ellen's or people from Wigan call pie-eaters. Pie-eaters. Yeah, because I said, is it because they hate pie? They eat pies. They're pie-eaters.

But they call them pie-eaters. But everyone eats pies, don't they? Not like they do in St Helens slash Wigan. I don't know who's who. Have I told you about the Portsmouth Southampton names? Have we done this? No. No.

I think it's like, they call them skates or something. Skates. I think it's skates. I think they're called skates because they fuck the fish. They accuse the people from Portsmouth of fucking fish.

What? Like Troy McClure. Who's Troy McClure? He's in The Simpsons. He gets accused of having, there's like a rumour, a long running rumour that he had sex with a fish. Well,

so basically, Southampton are called scummers by Portsmouth, but Southampton, I think, called Portsmouth skates, because of all the Navy, and basically, a skate is basically to describe naval sailors,

because they accuse them of fucking fish, and not any old fish, the skate. Because if you look at a skate, it's an easier fish to fuck. If that from a clearly... This is not the start of the podcast we wanted. At least say make love to, Rob. Okay, so the skate fish is the easiest fish to make love to. But my argument would be be surely you don't

need to call them skates surely fish fucker is a good enough insult because if you if i said someone said to me he's a fish fucker i wouldn't go hold up what fish no of course if you're if you're making love or shagging a fish i'm out i'm not your mate i'm done it's not like oh he only does cod or adduck do you know what i mean it's not like oh it's skate i've just googled a skate and even for a fish it's unattractive like it's an unattractive fish yeah yeah i mean if you're gonna have sex with a fish the skate isn't it wouldn't even be in my top 10 oh god yeah the poor old skate um anyway let's let's get back to um that child yeah that's get back to that child that we were listening to. That child that we were talking about.

Lovely Scottish child who said our names at the start of this before we went fish-fuck crazy. Hi, Rob and Josh. This is Ewan and Chloe having a go at your intro, I think they mean. They're our twins. Oh, we've got a second one. Can you see Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you see Josh Whittacombe?

Josh Whittacombe. Well done, sweetheart. I can see that at the top of it. They seem nice. They're twins who very inconsiderately arrived on my birthday three and a half years ago. I'm not sure what you're referring to at the end unless it's nursery key worker is actually listening to the podcast too you never know i only found your podcast a few months ago when doing some diy and i'm so glad i did it made me feel much better about my parenting and makes me realize that what my kids do or don't do is

actually pretty normal been making my way through the episodes while painting the garden fence which is taking bloody ages the neighbors may think i'm getting high off the fumes. I'm laughing so much. Keep up the great work, being sexy and relatable. Look forward to the book. Lots of love. Kirsten, hubby Andrew, Ewan and Chloe from Lanarkshire. Bit of a humble brag that, isn't it? Oh, painting the fence, taking ages.

The thing is with three acres is you've got to fence it. I'll be honest with you, Robin's own too. I can knock out painting a fence in 20 minutes. What have you done today? I painted the fence and the house. Just one of those tiny little pots of paint that people get when they're painting lead figures, that kind of thing.

That's all I need. Your house is like a bookmark, isn't it? It's very long, but narrow. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. How are you, Josh? It's nice to talk to you. That's a pleasure, Rob.

Oh, we're good. It's been a stressful few days, Rob. What's happened? Oh, it's just been... I'm just... I'm burned out, Rob. Do you know what? What's happened?

24 hours ago. Yeah. Because I've been away. I've been doing photos in the north for five days. Okay, you can't say it like that. It sounds snobby. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that.

Oh, poor you. Where was you? No, no, what I mean is... Or was you just there, existing in the north? No, what I mean is, I was in the north. A lot of travelling.

I had to go. I hadn't finished my sentence. So how long you got left there? Another year? Oh, I'm on fire today. I've had a double. I've had a double coffee. Yeah, you have. Sorry, go on. Oh, I'm on fire today. I've had a double. I've had a double coffee. Yeah,

you have. Oh, my word. I was in the North because I am, this tour is still going. Oh mate, I'm off to Blackpool later.

You don't get more than Blackpool. So, this tour, which started October 2019, is still going, which is fine. But, I've, it doesn fine but it doesn't make sense

does it? The dates don't make sense. I've got too much on Rob because I'm not meant to be still doing this tour. Do you know what I mean? But also as well because normally when you book a tour it's logical. You go to say you go Birmingham then you go up to leeds and

then maybe up to blackpool and then maybe all the way up to carlisle and then you go from carlisle down to york and then to like northampton and then back to london so you're only ever doing an hour or two drive yeah exactly and do you know what they weren't a million miles from each other but they were a million miles from my house but because i've got so much on in june rob yeah so it's not even work it's like work or going away or going to Glastonbury. That's the thing with the fun stuff, don't they? Yeah. So basically, we've got our book deadline at the end of June.

Yep. And I've got something in my diary for every day of June. Right, okay. The publishers do listen to this and the people buying the book. So are you... No. I know you're one of the're the best salesman no so what i'm saying rob yeah is that i i'm taking priority obviously yeah the book right is that my book deadline is the end of fucking may is what i'm saying because once it's june so basically i was in the north for five days my debt my my diary's planning out perfectly so my half of the book's gonna be excellent so

my house is gonna be good it's just my life that's awful okay so let's get this straight you're committing to the book so the book's gonna be great but your life's terrible and i think as a business partner of yours i think that's a good decision. What I'm saying is, Rob, the last five days I've spent in a hotel writing in the day before getting in a car, going to the gig, coming back to the hotel, going to bed, waking up at 8am and writing. That sounds like a fun job. Yeah, it is for the first two days. And then you find yourself going slowly insane.

Because, you know, when you work in the day, you get the evening off. You know, when you're normally doing a gig, you get some time in the day to relax. But the moment you finish the writing, you get in the car to go to the gig. You do the gig. You go back to the hotel.

You get in bed. You wake up. You start writing again. And you're like, I don't know who I am anymore. You're a creative man. you've been trafficked you've been trafficked by the media world and then i go so the last one is in middlesbrough near middlesbrough town hall mate you're gonna can i say something no no no i did it i did middlesbrough town hall the last one you've done it how hot was it or did they turn the heating off i know the heating was was all right. There was a pub outside. The dressing room.

Yeah, the karaoke bar. The karaoke bar. It was so loud. Before 5pm, we got there at 4 because we'd been turfed out of our hotel. And also I needed a bit more time to do some writing in the dressing room. Nice dressing room though. They put on a spread, didn't they? Lovely dressing room. What a spread. Chakuri board spread oh yes and they and they knew i was vegetarian so oh it was lovely fucking baba ganoush everywhere

but you're just watching you're just watching the pub called the central yeah right it's lively pub in middlesbrough that in it well before 5 p.m i'd seen so there's at least 10 people smoking outside before 5 p.m i'd seen someone pick up the bouncer, a member of the public. Yeah. And I'd also seen a woman crying. Before 5 p.m., Rob. Before 5 p.m.?

On a Wednesday. When I did Middle Street Channel, it was a 22-degree day in, in like March, weirdly, for no reason. And the room was like a sauna and I said, Adam, mate,

it's really hot in here. Can we turn the heating off? It was on full, no, no, basis, central heating's on full until April and then it goes off

until September. Oh, well, luckily I've been rescheduled to May, Rob. Yeah, because they knew about my pale complexion.

So then, I did Middlesbrough. All the gigs were lovely. All the writing was fun on its own merits. Yeah. Get in the car, get back,

3am. Yeah. Oh, so you drove back from Middlesbrough? Yeah, because I needed to get back. Yeah, well, because then you've got

to get back and do some parenting, Josh. Got to get back, do some parenting, get up. He wakes up at 6am. So I have three hours sleep. See, the difficulty there is you've got in at three,

you deserve the lie-in, but then... But I've been away for five days. You can't go, now I'm going to have a lie-in. That's just not on. I know, but your brain's going... I remember once that happened to me. And I said to Lou, I had got in at like five in the morning. And the baby woke up at half five.

And she went, Rob, you've got back from traveling. You've got to get up. And I went, Lou, if I do, I can't do this or I'll die. She went, no, you won't. I went, yes, I will. We're just normal men. We're innocent men. It's so unfair on both parties.

There's no one who deserves to get up in that situation. Neither me nor Rose. No, okay. But you have to. You have to. Then, rare ray of sunlight. Oh, go on. Yeah, in my intense week.

I go in, chance my arm at just putting his dummy back in at 6 a.m seeing if it'll make any difference he feels very awake he cries a bit as i leave and then he goes back to sleep rob yeah till 8 15 so you've almost doubled your sleep. Yeah. I had five hours. I was walking on air. So then we get up. Child care. Then we have to go. Child care.

So we're looking after children. That's called looking. The way you talk about it, it's like they're not your kids. No, I'm fine. Do you know what it is? Child'm child care babysitting these two children that look a lot like me why it is because i feel so disconnected from it as well i'm feel very guilty yeah because my daughter isn't happy that i've been away no i'm finding that at the moment because i've been going away a little bit it's bad because they're used to me from lockdown being home a lot. Yeah, exactly. And my lifestyle is probably away a couple of nights a week.

And she plays up when I'm not there and I think it's because she's pissed off that I'm not there. Yes, and she's trying to get attention because then Rose's attention can't go to both, like, the baby and her... It's not... I feel very bad about it. But...

Because it's very difficult to go, these gigs were rescheduled because of COVID. She just doesn't understand that. So then we have to go to do the walk around of the nursery that we're sending our son to in September to do a look around there. Oh God, it's so stressful, isn't it?

We're just normal. It's just, it's just, it's nothing's that bad in itself. It's just, everything is next to each other. So that was all good though. The nursery all good?

School all good? Yeah, all good. Go home. And then I've got 90 minutes to see my daughter and have a shower before I have to go to a corporate.

So was this a passion project or more of a sort of? It was a passion project. Do you know what? One of the winners was a former contestant from The Apprentice. Was he?

Yeah. Who was that? Vincent something. Vincent from Apprentice 2011. You'd recognise him if you watched The Apprentice, which I do. Yeah, I don't really watch that.

But actually I do in case Tom Allen don't present the spin-off show anymore. Let's never talk yourself out of a job here. Yeah, exactly. I yeah so then then i've got three hours downtime between the rehearsal and the corporate event oh yeah so you go up to london do the rehearsal and go through yeah yeah don't go through the auto iq and stuff so people don't know what that is it's basically you're hosting an award to do at a hotel function yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah

and so I've got three hours and then um I think I can relax here a bit and then Rose phones me to say our cat's ill and she's gonna whether starts asking me

whether she should take it to the vet what's wrong with the cat she's just very she's not in a good way so Rose took her to the vet she might she's had blood tests

so we're waiting on those so then i that filled that filled the three hours um before the corporate event yeah but so talk to me through this so how is that filling the three hours because once she's told you what are you thinking you're just worrying about the cat yeah and also yeah yeah um it took about half an hour to try and work out because because Rose can't drive, obviously, and there's an absolute world shortage on taxis at the moment. You can't get an Uber for love nor money near where we live. Right. So it was just working out where she could go to the back.

And she's got the two kids as well. Yeah, all that kind of stuff. All of that stuff. Do you know what I mean? So then I get home at 11pm. Oh, no, first, I come off stage, look at my phone. They get your car home don't they i've got a text from the car to say uh sorry we're gonna be half an hour late yeah at 11 p.m but also you don't you you don't really want to be hanging around at the hotel

because it's full of people that have done the yeah so i start walking through london looking for a black cab right carrying my suit and then i just find a black cab get home looking for a black cab. Right. Carrying my suit. And then I just find a black cab, get home, read for a bit, try and calm down, go to bed, don't really sleep very well, wake up at six. It's actually depressing. And then before taking my daughter to nursery, we've got to the point where we have to, the three years, we have to renew our mortgage. So I had to fill in all the mortgage renewal forms before taking my daughter to the nursery. Nice little 7am job. Because I had no other time to do it. And then took my daughter to the nursery.

She was furious about her hairband. There was no taxis. We were very late. We got the bus. We went upstairs. I thought, oh my God. Has she pissed herself? And then I realised, no. The bus stank of old piss. Oh, so she sat on the bus? In the piss? We sat upstairs on the bus

and it stinks of piss. But you're not in the piss. No, no, no. You know when a bus just stinks of piss Josh I don't Like the sound of your life So you got there stinking of piss Then I

Treated myself to going to the gym At least she won't be You know defined as the daughter Of the bloke off the telly She'll be just the girl That stinks of piss at school now I thought you you know, defined as the daughter of the bloke off the telly. She'll be just the girl that stinks of piss at school now. I thought you were going to say, yeah, the girl of the guy that broke down in tears

on the Hackney 425. Did you cry on the bus? No, but I felt like it. Yeah. Does the ammonia, is it the ammonia that just brought that? Because I'm also not really getting to see my children during this. Do you know what I mean? It's just so functional. Yes, of course. Yeah, because then whenever they come out of school,

that's the difficulty. When they're in school, you don't see them that much, especially if you work in evenings, unless you get up in the morning, but you're so tired by then and you're doing mortgage form. You're doing mortgage form? Just scanning a fucking form on your phone. You're trying to download six months of bank statements using the NatWest app.

8 a.m. Yeah, that probably looks so fine. Did you actually take any information about the mortgage? No, but get this. So my daughter, there was a piece of paper that was kicking around that was like half a letter about our mortgage. Didn't have any specific details, but

she started, she said, can I write on something? There's loads of bits of paper everywhere with our signatures on that I need to scan. It's a mess. And I found a bit of paper she could write on that was half a letter about the mortgage. You can do it on your phone now. You just take a photo of it?

No, if you use the Notes app, someone told me this, on your iPhone, and then click on the camera, it'll just scan every piece of paper. It's so good. Oh, really? Yeah, that is great. That is my take-home tip. Oh, so it's not all bad. Not all bad. Scan documents.

Oh, that's clever. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? So anyway. Yeah. I give her a piece of paper that's half an old letter about our mortgage. She starts drawing and writing on it. She draws a rainbow. She's got really into Art Attack, Rob, the TV show.

Oh, really? Very on brand. Loves nostalgia, your kids. Yeah, yeah. No, but she's really into art. That's like her obsession. You know how stressed I get about work, Rob? No.

Do you get stressed? She's inherited this gene. So if the art goes wrong, she'll flip out. Oh, no. She's, like, really good at art, so we're trying to encourage it. But on the other side, she'll draw a giraffe, a sheep, and then she won't like the dog, and she'll go, the whole picture's ruined.

Oh, no. It's an absolute tightrope. Is it like watching yourself it's not a million miles oh god because that's what you don't need is it when you're a bit stressed and tired and vulnerable and you're working yourself up and then you see your kid do the same thing as you then you start blaming yourself don't you go oh they've seen me do that now now it's happening again it's history repeating itself do you know what I said this morning, Rob, to her? That giraffe shit?

She was... We were trying to leave the house. She was angry because her ponytail was too loose, right? Classic, yeah. Absolute classic. I just said I'm not mentally able to deal with this at the moment. You said that to her? Yeah, she didn't really understand what I meant. Oh, Josh.

Have you got any downtime coming up with you and the kids or Rose? Well, can I just say, Rob, we're doing this at 11.15. I've got, like, the reason I had to start on time is because Rose is going out, so I'm looking after our son the moment this finishes. Right. Also, I left the gym at 11 and then I looked at the app and it said it's 11, 15 minutes to get home.

So then I've got so little downtime, Rob. I then had to run home from the gym to make it in time for this. Where's Rose going? Have you got tonight off? I've got tonight off, Rob. Oh, that'll be nice. I cannot effing wait. But I am.

I am what I would describe as mentally fragile at this point. Well, what you need is space. You need to do nothing. So don't do anything on your phone. No work stuff. Just sit there and be in the moment with your kids. And then when they go to bed, treat yourself to a nice takeaway or something. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to watch. I'm going to watch Succession. That's too taxing. Don't watch Succession. Can I give you a tip? Watch Jackass 4.5 on Netflix. I do like Jackass.

That's what you need. You don't need Succession. You just need seeing someone. I've just watched the end of Series 2, Rob. I just want to know what happens. Yeah, I know. But also, don't you want to see what happens when you use your penis as a godzilla watch that watch that another takeaway be much more relaxing than succession by the way rob

we've reached the point where um we're gonna have to move a couple of our lamps into the shed for the next year and a half i think the knickknacks are getting moved are they yeah what about all the other stuff on the glass coffee table in the front room? He's all right with that. It's still there. It's plastic. No, but there's like cutlery on it and plates and bowls

when you move them. No, no, no, it's just candles now. Oh, because when I came in I was all like...

Not licks, just to be very clear on that. Just candles and knives, just the knife blocks there now. He's not into knives yet. No, exactly. He's in East London,

give him time. Oh, lovely bit of business. Sorry, I've whittled on, witted on, not whittled on, witted on. No, exactly. He's in East London. Give him time. Oh, lovely bit of business. Sorry, I've whittled on. Wittered on. Not whittled on. Wittered on. No, don't worry.

It's fine, mate. I genuinely, when I was running home, I thought I'm going to have a panic attack on the podcast here. No, you're just very overworked, but let's just make it chilled. I've got loads to talk about. It's going to be all right, Josh. You've got some time off.

What are you doing at the weekend? Oh, do you remember last summer when I was on the birthday party scene rob yeah yeah big time big time we've got a five-year-old birthday tomorrow it's the start of summer lovely well look you've got a nice weekend with the kids just draw a line under what happened last week and take the pressure because i need to get this book to a level so that i'm not worrying about so i'm not reading chapter 16 during glastonbury Festival. Right, yeah, but Josh, I think you over,

you over, there's editors for a reason to double check it all. You will go blind. You can't see the wood from the trees if you overthink it. So just get it down on paper and give it break space. You need space for things to be good. You can't do it all in one go. So just be kind to yourself. And I think you over prepare, don't you?

You overwork. There is, there is an element of me that doesn't know quite how to. Just chill out and enjoy the experience. Yeah, exactly. Well, practice that and see how that goes. I'm sure it'll be just as good than you double-checking every spelling. Because you went through all the punctuation and grammar, didn't you? It needs to be right, Rob.

No, it doesn't. Not for you. That's why there's people and publishers. Their job is grammar. I just can't. I can't submit something with a typo in it, Rob. Why. Not for you. That's why there's people and publishers, their job is grammar. I just can't. I can't submit something with a typo in it, Rob. Why not? I can.

I know, and that's why you're happy. It doesn't make it less interesting. That's why you're happier than me. Well, that's the job. My job is to write funny and interesting things that people want to read, yeah? Yeah, I've done that. That goes to a publisher, and then someone from the spelling and grammar police, who they've recruited, will check it. Susie Den.

Susie Den. I don't know, it's just a little fact for people. She proofreads every book in existence. She does, she does. She's the only one. She's the only one who does it. You'd think she's looking at a dictionary on Countdown. She's just actually getting some work done, isn't she?

Because when you say, like, oh, I've got to get this book, you will go through every line to double-check the spelling and grammar, won't you? You don't need to do that, Josh. No, I know. No, delegate. Delegate, okay. Do you want to hear about my week?

Yeah. Will it cheer me up? No, I've just come back from Paris with Lou. Oh, you fucking prick. Disneyland Paris? No, so it's her birthday soon, and I took her to Paris for one night to go shopping for a birthday present.

Oh, my word. Look at you. I know. It was exciting, wasn't it? Well, basically, we couldn't really get the babysitters for like, and I couldn't get time for it, to go for like two nights.

So I thought, why don't we just go for one night and go early and come back late? And that's essentially two nights, and then it feels a lot more fun and you haven't got the stress of trying to find people to have the kids do you know what i mean so yeah we went there and it was lovely and however though we came back literally yesterday as we were going in the train station to come home there was thousands of piss scousers and i was like we have we have been so lucky to survive this because

they're all going there for the champions league um but it was it was great and also it's so quick to get to paris only two hours from london and you go you do the all the border checks at london and then when you get there you go you're like in the station you're in the middle of paris oh mate lovely it was lovely so that was nice but um so that was only one night but um i did though i did take the i've got loads of good little tips and then i'm going to tell you about my girls come to my come to my gig for the first time oh yeah i've seen the video footage it's very sweet it is sweet isn't it um a couple little tips on netflix you know the kids have all got american accents now like the because they're watching too much american stuff right on the audio you can change it to british english oh that's good so if you don't yeah if you don't

want them to be like oh my god there's like the british versions other one when you go on holiday with the kids, this is a bit late for you, but anyone else with a summer holiday coming up, don't worry about taking loads of adapters for Spain or France. Take a British extension lead with one adapter. Oh yeah. I'm on this one. That is a classic. That's a good tip.

I've never done it. British extension lead and one adapter and you get four British plugs. Bang. Unbelievable. With the, you can scan on your iPhone. This is turning into one of the most useful four British plugs. Bang. Unbelievable. With the you can scan on your iPhone, this is turning into one of the most useful podcasts that's ever existed. It's unbelievable, isn't it? So much information.

Also, my girls went back to gymnastics. You know, they do gymnastics on a Saturday when they can, when we're not busy or whatever. So they've had five weeks off and they've been back for two weeks. Two medals in two weeks. Another in two weeks another tenner another tenner so i don't know they're either olympic level yeah athletes that are just destroying all these gymnastic tests or lou's got them on some sort of steroids yeah just so you know rob if if you lived in the soviet union those children would have been taken away from you by now and put on a 12 hour a day training program a hundred percent talents it would cost me about

15 grand a year but a medal so i need somewhere to store them i'm gonna have to start getting like some big yellow storage box to put all their medals in it's ridiculous um do they say what the medals are oh some bullshit i've got no idea but all i know is i've not seen them do anything indoors that looks like gymnastics yeah if you're medal worth if you're if you're getting medals for your gymnastics you'd think you'd do a couple of yeah you know like i don't know what roly polies or and stands my daughter does um she does ballet with her best friend on a friday afternoon parents aren't allowed in so we don't really know what she's doing do you think they

sort of come out quite happy and they've been in there half an hour and i'm happy they come out smiling with another invoice for five quid such a good gig for rose that rose will go i'll take her to ballet and you go oh how was it and she goes me and john who's the dad of my daughter's best friend oh we just went for a glass of wine while they were doing ballet and then we went and picked them up and it was, it's an absolutely unbelievable gig taking her to ballet. So Rose is just going out

for a drink with John, this John guy. Who's John? What does he look like? Is he tall? He listens to the podcast, Rob. Oh, does he? Yeah, because he texted me

after I said he should pick up the chaise longue. Yeah. Oh he should pick up the chaise longue yeah oh so he bought the chaise longue what does he do John he's happily married I didn't ask that I asked what he did he's a graphic designer

and he works from home quite a lot so he's quite present anyway the girls come to my gig do you want to hear about it yeah so basically it's like well this would be a nice idea right let's come to south end which is about an hour from my house anyway friday afternoon to the south end they come out of school with the ump it's a two-hour drive yeah they're all kicking off in the house i'm trying to get my stuff together because i'm doing the gig and then going down to exeter after so i'm trying to pack my bag but also go has everyone had a wee i can't remember the last time you weren't going to exeter it feels so good this week not having to go to exeter just

going to paris and back in two days it's like oh it's nice having to commute a lot isn't it just a quick in and out to Paris rather than, oh yeah, what are you doing tonight? Well, I'm going to Paris and Exeter and back and then having the morning breakfast in Paris. The last month has been a podcast about parenting by two men who've never seen their children. To the point where I'm dragging them to Southend.

They wanted to come. But they, yeah, that's something, oh, it was just carnage kicking out. I've never been so stressed trying to leave the house because you get, I'm dragging them to Southend. They wanted to come. But they, yeah, it was just carnage kicking out. I've never been so stressed trying to leave a house because you get, I'm quite, I need to pack my bag and work out what I'm doing.

But then I'm like, has everyone had a wee? Have you eaten? Have you got a jumper in case it gets cold? Oh my God. And we drove up and they completely kicked off

and they were screwed. I thought you were going separately, you told me. Well, no, we drove up together. Then I was getting picked up from Southend to go to Exeter and then Lou drove home with the girls. Oh, before a two-hour show and a four-hour drive to exit what you need is another two hours of driving your entire family to southend on the

m25 in rush hour yeah and they were just kicking off and then eventually we got on some food got on the motorway and they fell asleep for an hour and it was most peaceful hour ever and then actually it was quite sweet because we got them to the venue and they went on stage and we're like talking into the mic and we had loads of photos where did you do it in the show so that they came on to the sound check empty room and i took some photos and all that and then they went off and they went in my dressing room and then because it was so loud and stressful and i need like 10 minutes to be quiet i just found i just went and sat in the toilet for an hour because like no i was coming in and out of the dressing room but i just need to clear my edit and then i did the opening of the show because

it's quite a big opening with like my name being announced and they saw that and then i had little seats set up for them and then they went off backstage for like half an hour because it's definitely not appropriate the the content and then uh then i told him bring them back out at like quarter to nine when i finished for the first half. And then I said, I got to, because this is quite fun as well. In the interval, I forgot that I was meeting some charity ticket winners. I give away tickets to charity sometimes, meet and greet, where they do an auction, they donate, and then they meet me in the interval and have a picture. And then anyway, so I met up with them.

And when I introduced my daughters, I said, I've got two very special people here tonight. And then when I met the charity ticket winners, they went, we thought he was talking about us. Bless him. I thought I was going to get him up on stage. And I said, got two very special people.

And, and then I brought them out and they just came out and were all giggly and kept on hiding behind my back. But it was really sweet. It was nice for them to see what I do. They understand then, do you think? Have they talked about it since?

You haven't seen it. Yeah. I don't know actually yeah just lose hanging around this guy called John going for wine I'm sure he knows about it um no but no I've seen her a lot this week actually to be fair but um yeah they absolutely loved it and and they got an idea there was like they were so excited and they felt it was fun and I'm really trying to make it clear to the girls I want to go away to work it's because you sort of want to go away to work it's because you sort of need to go to her money but also i'm very lucky that i enjoy my job and you should enjoy your job and it shouldn't be like oh no i've got to go and be a big heartbreaking thing

you know it's good to be independent and go out and do stuff you don't always have to be together and sort of like i'm not upset that i'm leaving you not in a horrible way to my girls but like you know it's fine i'm not um because i used to much, a lot of guilt about my dad working so hard, um, because he worked such long hours and I used to feel guilt. Like he was doing it just for us. And when you're young, you don't understand that.

No, you're not really actually adding to the costs that much. That's just what life is. And my dad probably enjoyed the peace and quiet going out cabin when we were kicking off. So I'm trying to make it clear, but I think for your daughter, she might really appreciate going to see one of your shows.

If you've got one near your house, because she can see where you are and what you're doing and you enjoy it. And then she feels she's a part of it. Well, the bad news for her, Rob, is that I've got my final tour show on Monday. Oh, really? Your last one? So that's done?

So we're getting to nearly the end, Josh. And then, Rob, and then, Rob. Yeah? I'm not going to do stand-up, apart from the three gigs I've got booked in that I'm contractually obliged to do, until autumn 2023. Really? You're going to have a year off stand-up apart from the three gigs i've got booked in that i'm contractually obliged to do until until autumn 2023 really you're gonna have a year off stand-up i'm gonna have a year off stand-up haven't told my agent but i know she listens that's what i've told myself

well tell you what line up those corporates i'll gobble them up do you want josh whittacombe don't worry rob beck is available they're ready to go they don't count that doesn't count as stand-up. I'm still doing them. You'll still dish out some awards. Is that what you're saying? Because you did stop doing them for a bit, those ones, and I just did loads. When you and Romesh stopped doing award shows, my lifestyle was absolutely outrageous.

I was like an Uber in East London. I couldn't move for work. But now you've started doing them again. My diary's a bit empty. But anyway, yeah. I think it's good though to have a break from stand-up. And then when you do it again, you're really... Yeah, exactly. I need a break.

I need a break. Well, I'm going to have a break in 2020. Yeah, in 2023, I'm going to have a break from stand-up. Because my tour finishes this November. And then we're doing the podcast tour. So we'll be focusing on that. Exactly. I want to be fresh for the podcast tour, Rob.

Exactly. And then I'll be fresh again for 2024. Anyway, that's my fucking boring five-year plan. Oh, should I just tell you how it ended with the gig? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically, they went on stage, absolutely loved it, said hello into the mic, giggled and ran off, and then I finished the half, went backstage.

They were absolutely buzzing with excitement. They gave him an ice cream from the interval, the venue, South End. Thank you very much. That'll be good. Back you the kid it will what it sold out i've sold out your venue four nights in a row yeah i will pay you to three quid for them ice cream i'll give you an ice cream if you come around my house i wouldn't charge you as you left um and uh and anyway so this ice cream's had all the adrenaline of being on stage because it's 1700 people it's quite a scary environment to go out in front of and then they had this ice cream. They had all the adrenaline of being on stage because it's 1,700 people. It's quite a scary environment to go out in front of. And then they had the ice cream.

And then I was like, right, girls, I'm going back on stage. And I was like, no, we want you, Daddy, we want you. And both completely went into a meltdown. And Lou had to carry them into the car. And they screamed all the way home. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So poor Lou.

Actually, Lou had a harder second after me. Doing the gig was a piece of piss. But honestly, I'd rather have done a five-hour gig and carried on till midnight than have to drive them to home. So poor old Lou did it. Oh, God. What were you saying, John? No, I just had one other thing I was going to say

ahead of next week's Jubilee. Yeah, I don't really know what I'm supposed to... What is the Jubilee or what I'm supposed to do? What's going on here? They've got our daughters really into the Queen at nursery. They look the same for me. They can't stop talking about the fucking Queen and singing Jubilee songs.

We're in red, white and blue. It's like a cult. She loves the Queen now. She absolutely loves the Queen. She's drawing the Queen. She's asking questions about the Queen. She wants to go and see Buckingham Palace. So her best friend went back to her parents' house

after nursery and said, so when are we putting up our bunting? Oh, we haven't got any bunting. No, because of course we haven't got any bunting, because it's not 1977, Rob. We've got TikTok now. We don't care as much about street... Are you having a street party?

Of course I'm fucking not, Rob. I'm punk rock till I die, mate. You know, our road's too busy for a street party. It'd be awful. Yeah, exactly. We've got a bus route. Vroom, vroom, vroom. Do you want to slice a cake?

Vroom, vroom. Be-dee-dee-dee-dee. Oh, it's lovely, isn't it? What a career she's had. 70 years. Fuck off, you mad... Oh, isn't it nice? The community coming together.

God, I felt like the guy out of Police Academy then. Yeah, I know. Even your accent. You don't need sound effects. I was hoping for a siren. Do an ambulance. That's what you want. of Police Academy then. Yeah, I know. Even your accent, you don't need sound effects. Where was your... I was hoping for a siren. Do an ambulance. That's what you want.

I don't know what that was. That was Kenneth Williams. That's what that was. Right, here we go. I tell you what, to finish the episode, do you want a blast of celebrities in small places?

Yes. We love these. Okay, here we go. I was on a night out in sheffield and saw ronnie o'sullivan in the spa buying pick a mix it was just a few hours after he'd won the snooker championship at the crucible and got a 147 he won 147 000 pounds what a way to celebrate wow oh yeah i'd love to meet ronnie o'sullivan okay here's one i saw marcel desoli in chult and asda buying wine oh that's a nice one isn't it yeah chult and asda i wonder what he's doing there southeast london that's a shit asda no offense chult i've been there near a matterland big industrial estate anyway big celebrity spotted in an out of context place scotty pippin in the bacon aisle of a supermarket i Ian Lovegrove. Right, I need a picture or some more information here. The bacon aisle.

The bacon aisle. No, there's no aisle of bacon. Were you in the States or was he... I need to know whether he was in America or the UK. We need more Ian Lovegrove. Right, I've got a couple. I saw Vanilla Ice standing at the airport in Acapulco from Maria Bringpinder. You saw Vanilla Ice standing in the airport at Acapulco?

It sounds like a riddle. Here we go. This is a good one. I saw Adam Wood yet, Ian Bill from EastEnders at Disneyland when I was seven or eight, 97 to 98. So this is peak EastEnders, isn't it? I asked for his autograph and as a child, I kid you not, his first words were, for fuck's sake,

I get away from the UK for this shit. for fuck's sake i get away from the uk for this shit anyway i've got his autograph between daffy duck and goofy i mean don't go to one of the biggest tourist attractions near the uk barely yeah exactly i don't think you can go to disneyland and go i'm safe from brits here there won't be any brits here we'll be fine um but yeah that's a good one all right should we do small business shout outs okay i've got one here hey we are family run award-winning bakery making pies sausage rolls afternoon teas and much more we are launching our father's day range this week and would love a small business shout out and that is piglets pantry so if you go on instagram they've only they're only on instagram

i think piglets pantry p-i-g-l-e-t-s-p-a-n-t-r-y this is our only instagram account award-winning bakery pie sausage rolls afternoon teens vegan and veg options available uk wide delivery that's good old piglets pantry oh rob i'm out of breath what happened i went downstairs to get one that's been sent to me and i picked up the wrong thing came upstairs and now i'm gonna have to do that one next week also we should be clear we don't get sort of loads of freebies from these but i've literally got any freebies no no so like don't think that we're just getting freebies and we're giving them shout outs we don't really do that no these are just people that have emailed in i've got no idea if this bakery is any good but they seem nice people yeah i mean everything we're promoting could be dog shit with this section you have to take into

account we have no knowledge if this is any good or not but good luck and all the best with your company uh should i do one should i do one random one hey there love love love your podcast it's a welcome to strap blah blah blah blah can you give our small business a shout out my sister and i run purely organized we come to homes and declutter and organize rooms leaving your home fully transformed we're both moms and understand how difficult it is to find time to keep on top of your home and it's often the first thing to get dropped when you are busy oh welcome to my world so whether you need hand decluttering toys clothes kitchen bins etc kitchen bits not kitchen bins and making

your home look super organized tidy and leveled please get in touch we have some amazing before or afters on our instagram account too www.purelyorganized.co.uk there we go also another shower if you've got any questions for my parents and Josh's parents and also Rose and Lou and any questions for Michael that are going to go into our parenting help book. There are three bonus chapters on there. Well, yeah, a lot of people have been sending in questions for Michael. So if you've got any questions for Michael about making the podcast and what it's like listening to this as a childless man. Does it does it make you want to be a parent? Do you think differently about parenting

than you did two years ago? Yeah, I think his silence is speaking. Who would you like to be your dad, Rob or Josh? But yeah, if you've got any questions for Michael, the producer, our wives or our parents, email them in. The email address is in the description. It's parentsinhellbook at bonnierbooks, and bonnier is B-O-N-N-I-E-R books.co.uk.

So you can email us questions for Rose and Lou. We've got loads of Rose and Lou. It's mum and dads and Michael. We greatly appreciate it. And you can feature in the book if you leave your name, age, and location. Josh, I'll speak to you on Friday. Goodbye.